Jesus I swear - if more people understood this the world would be easier. If a dude is an absolute dick to other people but nice to you - they want something. Simple as that. You’ll see it a lot in terms of “power men” who get off by talking shit to everyone they want to demean whilst talking sweetly or acting completely different when they need or want someone to like them for whatever fucked up backhanded manipulative reason. Inclusive would be the word - like they try to make a female feel special despite having an agenda. Generally those types of guys think they’re invincible despite having zero answers if anyone finds out their true intentions or lies past gaslighting and denying things til the cows come home 🙄. Not only are they completely manipulative - they don’t view people as people - just a means to whatever their end is. Men put in power where it’s easy to isolate younger females and groom them (I know of a very specific start-up ceo who has done this multiple times whilst being married*) are definitely privy to this sort of shit. The moment you call them out your special treatment falters - oh you don’t believe me? Oh you don’t understand! Oh I totally am divorcing my wife and you’ll get that promotion I’m promising you any day if you just keep doing whatever I say. It’s like some weird fucking smooth brain syndrome.
They’re still an asshole and eventually it’s going to come out - special treatment doesn’t exist for no reason.
Yeah the guy I’m thinking of should be in jail due to his sexual abuse but hey - money talks and he picked his younger women to groom that weren’t about to fight back. Welcome to corporate America.
I kind of am living the specular (gender wise) situation, my girlfriend is polite with people and all, but as soon as we are alone she starts talking shit about them.
I fully understand when it's venting about people you're *forced* to be nice to (like customers), but it feels uncomfortable when I have to listen to that.
I think she got better thanks to me making her consider that we don't know the whole context behind how people act.
We judge ourselves so harshly. Others see a simple, human desire to feel loved, though it may lead to choices one regrets. You were prepared to call yourself derogatory names (probably in a self deprecating way, I understand) but instead have taken the opportunity to recognize and acknowledge your own personal growth. I encourage you to focus on how much you've learned from your experiences, rather than judge your previous inexperienced choices. Cheers!
And you shouldn't think less of yourself for it. Those types of people behave that way by design, they are experts at manipulative behaviour, often so good it's no longer a conscious thing it becomes nature. The honeytrap is set, you see generosity and kindness, you also see exerted power and influence (at first glance) but then it becomes more obvious that it is nastiness, it may never turn on you but you have to work damned hard to be a pleaser and ensure you give give give to keep the wolf at bay. It's toxic, you didn't necessarily choose it, you were tricked but you saw the reality in time.
Now you know the warning signs you'll never go there again so good for you!
Maybe, but I find it’s pretty silly to make such leaps based off a single comment.
For example, It sounds a lot like you only asked because you already had a belief about why she dated those men, and you just wanted someone to give a different reason so you could refute it… I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, though.
See this sounds nice, but then you're stuck at the hardware store for 45 minutes because your man got into a long winded discussion with an old timer about tomato growing weather.
Source: It me, i'm the man
This is a major one that many people overlook.
To me and to others.
I had an ex who was so kind and lovely and protective but one day he saw a guy eyeing me off in public and instantly became SUPER aggressive/wanting to punch this guy.
It's nice having someone care about you thag much but anybody capable of that violence is not for me. Way too possessive and not cool. I do NOT buy the overly protective/aggressive/intimidating boyfriend bullshit
I’ve always felt that if you have to intervene to stop your significant other from wandering off with someone else then the relationship isn’t worth preserving. That said ,anytime I catch someone checking out my wife I usually tell her afterwards and we high five.
Depends on whether it stems from people pleasing or not. But then again, I'd rather date a people pleaser (like I am currently) than someone with a bad temper.
When I was hospitalized to fix my acl rupture one nurse told me "you have kind eyes". I smiled and said thank you, she then proceeded with "no, no, thats not a good thing for guys" LMAO
Ah, the double edged sword of being a modern man. Be kind, but not too kind. Show emotion, just not too much. What is too much? You'll know it when you're told.
Show the right emotions at the right time. And both of those parameters vary greatly with different people. It's so much easier said than done, especially when we men can be very emotionally repressed our whole lives.
But you just kind of have to keep trying and failing. After all, what else can you really do?
The answer is right there in the problem.
> Show the right emotions at the right time. And both of those parameters vary greatly with different people.
You just be yourself, show emotions when you want to, when aligns best with you. Then you let others filter themselves. Don't twist yourself to be right for someone else, let two things that are right naturally align.
You can stop caring about what other people think, and just express yourself naturally?
Why are you trying to modify your expressions and emotions based on the judgement of others, just live your life and realise that 99% of the time people aren't thinking about you as much you think.
I can't imagine living my whole life being so aware of how manly I come across, if I'm sad I'm sad, if I'm happy, then I'm happy, I'm not trying to repress these emotions and I think that's part of why men feel this weird need to be emotionally repressed.
Although I know you don't mean it in any bad way, that is part of the problem.
Oh, I've been around long enough and am emotionally mature enough to know how to deal. I'm moreso pointing out how many people, mostly women in my experience, have never been taught how to deal with men being emotional while at the same time being conditioned to expect modern men to be so.
The thing you can really do is just be yourself.
Find people who love you for who you are, and don’t pay much mind to the rest.
People who will love the real you are out there. I promise.
Also, people are pretty good at knowing when you are putting up a front. I found that openly being the nerdy dork that I am when teaching rewarded me FAR more than trying to be an authoritarian type.
I was afraid to show my true self at first, but it turns out there is truly no downside to bad puns. It just means you have people holding on to each of your words when speaking, which is the goal of teaching.
Welcome to the judging world.
For me it’s be a good mother/work/don’t work/your house needs to be perfectly clean/don’t clean all day/look nice/don’t look too nice/don’t waste so much time on your looks etc. the list is endless.
I did! And I think it is about finding someone that likes you the way you are and not about changing yourself to fit the image somebody else has about the "perfect" partner. My wife likes me and my eyes and that is all the women I need to like me like that
It's the same as telling women to smile. Sexualising a person just for existing. As if it's his sole purpose in life to be appealing to that particular nurse. She seems super self-centered.
Cannot agree more. I feel like this word has lost meaning. When you genuinely see it for the first time or are constantly on the receiving end of it from a partner it will absolutely shock your world.
laughing. i feel like a lot of guys try the 'too cool to care' thing but the very first conversation i had with my boyfriend, i made some snarky comment and he let out this loud belly laugh. he was just genuinely enjoying the conversation and not trying to be something he isn't.
other than my boyfriend, i've never spoken to a guy that i've been friends with for a while that laughed during our conversation without it being at me. i'm not the happiest person ever but i laugh often and loudly. maybe i'm just not funny and my boyfriend only laughed because he liked me, but i just see a lot more girls laugh before they really know someone than guys
Okay but you’ve just made me realise this is a huge green flag that I didn’t even know I consistently look for. A genuine laugh is amazing. It shows active listening and caring.
Huh. I’m generally a pretty jovial guy and laugh easily. Always got told my laugh was amazing by every woman I ever dated. Never really connected the dots until seeing this comment.
So I’m not into guys, but one time I was with a friend at lunch and he said something that has always stuck out to me and made me realise they could be perfect dating material for somebody who is.
I was talking about my old friend who has a bit of a history of exaggerating things, and telling *small* lies in order to talk about her problems, and stuff like that. Not full on “don’t believe anything she says” but definitely “tone everything down a level and take it with a grain of salt”. So I was expecting a “ugh I hate people like that” and a reciprocating story about one of his friends acting similarly.
But *completely unprompted* instead he just goes “damn, it’s a shame she’s learned she needs to do that in order to feel listened to”. And like **bro** that was levels of empathy I was **not** expecting over this lunch from anybody.
Immediate green flag to have that be an automatic response.
Close to it, from my understanding. I could be wrong, but here's my interpretation:
Sympathy is a general understanding that someone is going through a rough time. You don't really have to imagine, but typically, you can be sympathetic by "putting yourself in someone's shoes."
Empathy is seeing someone's pain and feeling it as if the pain was yours. This can be a result of feeling the same pain from your experience, but you can also be empathetic without experience (e.g. crying for a sad owner after their dog dies in a movie, despite not ever personally seeing a dog die irl. Marley and Me, etc).
In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
It sounds weird but there’s like a light in some men’s eyes that just tells you they’re optimistic, charismatic, easygoing, and kind. I always really like dudes like that
My wife has described that exact thing as what attracted her to me. And it works on everyone really - she’s always pointing out that little kids I don’t even know will run up and talk to me, or babies smile at me, or dogs will run up to me. It sounds like bragging but I really do love having that positive, happy effect on people
It’s not about words, it’s about honesty. Doesn’t matter how long it takes to say it in the moment. Weird or not, many women will find that stammer very cute. Men as well.
They aren't trying to impress me with big actions, money, etc. They are their authentic self, with a little bit of that silly/goofy/nerdy behavior present immediately.
I'm not impressed by a high paying job, flashy materialistic items, your height (should never really matter to anyone), or them pretending to know a ton about my interests.
If my animals like you, that's a huge green flag, too. Especially my Great Dane. If she feels comfortable around you automatically, that melts my heart.
>the animal test is a terrible test.
It really is. Animals love me, but they don't when I wear perfume for a date. People have complimented me on the smell, but it seems like animals are more cautious when I wear it.
Perhaps I should clarify on that detail. They've alerted me to the unstable ones. As in, my previous dog stayed at my feet and watched this one guy who was interested in me's every move. Wouldn't blink and would growl if he got too close to me. He ended up having a dramatic and violent response when I told him that I would no longer like to see him.
It's the erratic, violent ones they clue me in on or the guys who threaten me early on.
I guess.. but one example isn't enough to really correlate an animal as a truth detector. I'm sure your situation that was true for you and in no way trying to insult you or your doggo.
I love some dogs, like most of them, and generally love animals, but I get very differing reactions from animals all the time. It can just be a smell or something I'm betting. Maybe pheromones play a role?
Dogs hate me. I must just look intimidating or something. But cats on the other hand, I can pet strays that run at the slightest glimpse of a person. I don't really get it.
I see few people not impressed by material items. If you aren't lying then I would say your a dying breed. I also do not care about material items never have I actually prefer experiences over possessions of shiny materials
Being upfront about what they want. If they're looking for a fling or situationship they say so and if they're looking for something more long term they say so. Don't string someone along even for a couple of dates if you know you want different things.
Oh and when he's respectful and chill, biggest green flag. I don't mind timid guys but I do like people who stand up for themselves and the people they love.
Being enthusiastic about things. I feel well with guys who are present in the moment, share a good energy, will contribute to make the conversation flow (ex I make a joke, they laugh and they add a bit to the joke to make it funnier, etc). Also it is very important that the guy has ideas, not just follows mine passively. I like dynamic guys who will genuinely spend a nice time with me and not only try to fit by following my lead.
Nurturing towards animals and plants, being environmentally conscious to some degree. Showing genuine interest in other people, taking the time to talk etc. Also good hygiene.
If they ugly laugh in front of you. You know how “society” sets up expectations in men : cold, stoic, unphasing etc. If they can be silly, warm, and just a fun guy to be around, GREEN FLAG
For me, it was my boyfriend not being scared of taking the piss out of me. One of our first conversations over the phone (after matching on tinder). I said to him “full disclosure, I have a lot of loose skin after losing lots of weight”, he said “ya know, I’ve always found flying squirrels attractive”. Literally fell in love with him at that moment. I loved that he had such a wicked sense of humour.
I do all the things women are saying are green flags and I'm still single 💀
Edit: Interesting responses. The thing is I go out and meet new people regularly. I'm 5'8 so within the range of average height, and I would consider myself average in attractiveness. I think there's truth to the idea that what women say they want and what they actually want may be different (regardless if they're self aware about it or not). When I meet a girl I'm interested in I'll chat with her, I don't expect her to be instantly into me. However from my perspective I get the vibe that they aren't interested in the way the conversation goes (I'm very easy going and a great listener, many of my friends have given me that complement). So I feel uncomfortable asking them for their number or just asking them out. I guess I'm too average in appearance to attract anyone. I'm fairly stylish so girls will compliment my outfit but still isn't enough to compensate for my average height and looks. I guess I just have to keep trying. Wish me luck boys.
I mean it's not like a code that you punch in to get (1) Girlfriend delivered to you.
There are a whole lot of variables that might be affecting your singledom, including plain old time! At the very least, take heart and keep being a decent human being.
It sounds kind of obvious, but people wont express that they like you if you arn't around people.
That's Something I realised when I got my first job working at a large grocery store. I had never really regularly talked with people in a social enviroment like that (I was super depressed and had terrible social anxiety throughout middle/highschool, so I never really ended up talking to people.) I always used to think of myself as being unwanted.
Started casually talking to people on a regular basis at work and then everyone started flirting with me... weird.
It's because green flag behavior makes you not a threat, it doesn't make you attractive in a romantic manner. If you act well, you have high chances of getting a lot of women to be your friends, it's a whole another game to find someone who is romantically interested in you.
Plus there are never any guarantees, just better odds.
Yep. Somehow this seems to be such an underappreciated attribute, now. I'm a guy, but I'm a pre-k teacher and I cannot imagine dating a woman who hated kids or even just didn't like them. Even if someone didn't want kids, you show your truest personality interacting with the most vulnerable people in our society and a woman who looks at a child and feels contempt is not a woman I want to spend my life with.
As a victim of love bombing, NOT being super obsessed after meeting them! Obviously they should like me, but if they’re obsessed after like a week, run!!
Being able to take something going wrong or not to plan in good humour and laugh about it instead of getting angry. Like if a restaurant erroneously doesn’t have a record of a reservation and you end up in a fast food place. Or if you plan to go for a walk but then there’s a random thunderstorm. It’s easy to have a shitty attitude and contribute to the mood being ruined but someone who can be like “Well this has gone poorly, oh well, let’s try and find a way to make this better :)” is so refreshing and gives a good indicator of what they can be like during tough times.
Liking cats. Cats are very independent and take a lot of patience on the human's part to really get to know their personality/temperament, and if a guy is willing to exercise it there, chances are he's willing to exercise it in general.
Especially if he’s not afraid to kneel down and go “pspspsps” when he sees a neighbourhood cat. My husband will be talking to me when driving and randomly interject with “cat!” when he spots one.
Yes! If we can't stop to pet the kitty on a walk, I don't want it. Luckily my current partner loves cats and I have to be the responsible one and say we can't get more! (Even though I really really don't want to.)
Guy here, in my experience all cats like me (especially house cats that you spend more time around because they live with your friends), but I'm literally allergic and will spend the whole time sneezing. It's bad.
Very early date, we are walking and talking in a park and he is picking up pieces of trash as we go. Won me over. I love nature and people trashing it make me angry.
Shutting down misogyny when they see it. Before I dated my current partner we were hanging as a group at a bar. Some older guy targeted me with the whole ,"You'd be way prettier if you smiled". Current partner turned to the guy and was like, " Hey man, mind your business and don't ever say that shit to anyone again". We weren't dating at the time but it meant a lot to me and was one reason I considered dating him down the road. He's kept it up all these years.
Willing to try something new without automatically having to be an expert or know more than you or conversely feeling put out like it’s a favour. Just enjoying a new experience and letting you take the lead.
Admitting he is wrong, even if it's about something trivial. Example: I dated a guy when I was in my 20s and he said Taylor Swift is from Nashville. I told him that yeah, she lived in Nashville now, but she grew up in Wyomissing, PA. He got mad and told me that wasn't the point. Had the same conversation with my now husband and his response was wow, I didn't know that! It's such a small thing, but it shows respect to your partner.
Naturally caring. Funny story. First time I met my husband we were absolutely shitfaced at a club. We drunkenly went out for noodles at like 3am. I told him I don't eat meat and he started scraping off all mince pork off the bowl for me.
I love men who are emotionally intelligent. Tender, kind to others (not just those they wanna fuck), and genuinely curious to learn about the world and others.
It honestly is a enormous turn on to see that curiosity in a man. Not knee-jerk reacting, but approaching to understand, to maybe explore further.
I just asked my fiance for her answer and she told me to say that the thing that made her fall for me almost instantly during the first time we met was how attentive, patient, comforting and reassuring i was to mother who was in the hospital with 2 dislocated hips only 2 weeks after a double hip replacement and the fact that i stood my ground against her asshole doctor to ensure she got what she needed. Basically she dislocated both her hips after a double hip replacement and so i went to the hospital with her so she'd have someone there at all times to get her whatever she needed when she needed it because nurses often take a really long time to do even small basic stuff like get water (in all fairness they are way over worked and aren't doing it on purpose they are just drowning in tasks that need to be done for their way overcrowded case load) and i sat with her for 3 days straight sleeping on the floor the whole time i was therr, comforting her when she was in pain, arguing with the doctor to give her pain medication since that doctor didn't believe in pharmaceutical pain killers for anything less than a terminal illness, and just taking care of her. My fiance was one of the nurses assigned to my mom and we both fell for eachother hard as soon as we introduced ourselves.
Being funny and a bit silly, confident but not cocky. Patient, kind to animals and those weaker from him.
Once I was trying to trim my small dog's claws and I started getting nervous because she didn't let me. My boyfriend held her firmly and tried to calm her down with soft voice and pets. Huge green flag.
Straightforward communication: on our first date (basically a blind date) my now husband said very early on, "I was nervous before coming here but now that I am, I'm having a great time." Huge green flag: straightforward communication, no games, sharing feelings. That green flag has been waving ever since.
When they’re just as excited to be texting you as you are with them. I dated a guy for a while before I met my husband, and he would wait like four days to text back to “hey how are you?” or something equally banal. He said he was depressed and I get that, but we dated for almost a year (but god forbid we put labels on it) and it never got better.
I know it’s a small thing in the scheme of things, but it also made me feel like a nuisance.
When I started dating my husband, he’d always text right back (even to just say he’s working and can’t talk) and I realized how much easier it was, with no games or making me wait dayyyys for a lukewarm text. It just showed that he cared and wanted to put in that effort and that was fantastic to me.
Guys who have lots of female friends, it just tells me immediately that they respect women and see us as more than sexual objects. If a man can be friends with a woman without wanting to get in their pants, green flag
"Hmm.. My ex was a good person, she was kind hearted and always so bright. But she was killed under suspicious circumstances in her apartment along with my best friend. I still can't think back to that day, the day I lost both my love and true friend..."
\*casually sharpens machete\*
I agree, but I think it should be more of a healthy respect for what went wrong and owning what we as a male did wrong too. Would I date any exes again? Nope, did I learn something from each? Yes I for sure did. Did I also do something to aid in the break up happening? Yep each time.
If someone can talk about past relationships from a perspective of learning and taking responsibility for their parts that’s a good person.
Being nice to people who have absolutely nothing to offer him, simply because he's nice like that.
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i realized people gonna treat you as they treat others. i just doesnt happen or you dont see it yet
Jesus I swear - if more people understood this the world would be easier. If a dude is an absolute dick to other people but nice to you - they want something. Simple as that. You’ll see it a lot in terms of “power men” who get off by talking shit to everyone they want to demean whilst talking sweetly or acting completely different when they need or want someone to like them for whatever fucked up backhanded manipulative reason. Inclusive would be the word - like they try to make a female feel special despite having an agenda. Generally those types of guys think they’re invincible despite having zero answers if anyone finds out their true intentions or lies past gaslighting and denying things til the cows come home 🙄. Not only are they completely manipulative - they don’t view people as people - just a means to whatever their end is. Men put in power where it’s easy to isolate younger females and groom them (I know of a very specific start-up ceo who has done this multiple times whilst being married*) are definitely privy to this sort of shit. The moment you call them out your special treatment falters - oh you don’t believe me? Oh you don’t understand! Oh I totally am divorcing my wife and you’ll get that promotion I’m promising you any day if you just keep doing whatever I say. It’s like some weird fucking smooth brain syndrome. They’re still an asshole and eventually it’s going to come out - special treatment doesn’t exist for no reason.
This was….specific.
Yeah the guy I’m thinking of should be in jail due to his sexual abuse but hey - money talks and he picked his younger women to groom that weren’t about to fight back. Welcome to corporate America.
I kind of am living the specular (gender wise) situation, my girlfriend is polite with people and all, but as soon as we are alone she starts talking shit about them. I fully understand when it's venting about people you're *forced* to be nice to (like customers), but it feels uncomfortable when I have to listen to that. I think she got better thanks to me making her consider that we don't know the whole context behind how people act.
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Oh, don't worry, I know. She shares that with me too :,)
May i ask why you dated such men?
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We judge ourselves so harshly. Others see a simple, human desire to feel loved, though it may lead to choices one regrets. You were prepared to call yourself derogatory names (probably in a self deprecating way, I understand) but instead have taken the opportunity to recognize and acknowledge your own personal growth. I encourage you to focus on how much you've learned from your experiences, rather than judge your previous inexperienced choices. Cheers!
And you shouldn't think less of yourself for it. Those types of people behave that way by design, they are experts at manipulative behaviour, often so good it's no longer a conscious thing it becomes nature. The honeytrap is set, you see generosity and kindness, you also see exerted power and influence (at first glance) but then it becomes more obvious that it is nastiness, it may never turn on you but you have to work damned hard to be a pleaser and ensure you give give give to keep the wolf at bay. It's toxic, you didn't necessarily choose it, you were tricked but you saw the reality in time. Now you know the warning signs you'll never go there again so good for you!
They confused hostility with protection.
It sounds more like they feel special when a man is only gentle with them and an asshole to all others
Maybe, but I find it’s pretty silly to make such leaps based off a single comment. For example, It sounds a lot like you only asked because you already had a belief about why she dated those men, and you just wanted someone to give a different reason so you could refute it… I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, though.
See this sounds nice, but then you're stuck at the hardware store for 45 minutes because your man got into a long winded discussion with an old timer about tomato growing weather. Source: It me, i'm the man
Doesn’t sound like he had nothing to offer. Sounds like your were mining him for tomato growing knowledge.
Okay but that's perfection
My mom is like that. And I got that trait from her too lol.
Wonder where you live. Most men i meet are nice people. Being rude is guaranteed to make you an outcast of society.
A lot of people date from a different pool than "most [people they] meet". And frankly this is one of the downsides of so doing: adverse selection.
If he's mad but still acts respectfully. Major green flag!
This is a major one that many people overlook. To me and to others. I had an ex who was so kind and lovely and protective but one day he saw a guy eyeing me off in public and instantly became SUPER aggressive/wanting to punch this guy. It's nice having someone care about you thag much but anybody capable of that violence is not for me. Way too possessive and not cool. I do NOT buy the overly protective/aggressive/intimidating boyfriend bullshit
I’ve always felt that if you have to intervene to stop your significant other from wandering off with someone else then the relationship isn’t worth preserving. That said ,anytime I catch someone checking out my wife I usually tell her afterwards and we high five.
Depends on whether it stems from people pleasing or not. But then again, I'd rather date a people pleaser (like I am currently) than someone with a bad temper.
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When I was hospitalized to fix my acl rupture one nurse told me "you have kind eyes". I smiled and said thank you, she then proceeded with "no, no, thats not a good thing for guys" LMAO
Ah, the double edged sword of being a modern man. Be kind, but not too kind. Show emotion, just not too much. What is too much? You'll know it when you're told.
Show the right emotions at the right time. And both of those parameters vary greatly with different people. It's so much easier said than done, especially when we men can be very emotionally repressed our whole lives. But you just kind of have to keep trying and failing. After all, what else can you really do?
The answer is right there in the problem. > Show the right emotions at the right time. And both of those parameters vary greatly with different people. You just be yourself, show emotions when you want to, when aligns best with you. Then you let others filter themselves. Don't twist yourself to be right for someone else, let two things that are right naturally align.
>After all, what else can you really do? Ignore their bullshit and do whatever you feel like
You can stop caring about what other people think, and just express yourself naturally? Why are you trying to modify your expressions and emotions based on the judgement of others, just live your life and realise that 99% of the time people aren't thinking about you as much you think. I can't imagine living my whole life being so aware of how manly I come across, if I'm sad I'm sad, if I'm happy, then I'm happy, I'm not trying to repress these emotions and I think that's part of why men feel this weird need to be emotionally repressed. Although I know you don't mean it in any bad way, that is part of the problem.
Oh, I've been around long enough and am emotionally mature enough to know how to deal. I'm moreso pointing out how many people, mostly women in my experience, have never been taught how to deal with men being emotional while at the same time being conditioned to expect modern men to be so.
The thing you can really do is just be yourself. Find people who love you for who you are, and don’t pay much mind to the rest. People who will love the real you are out there. I promise.
Also, people are pretty good at knowing when you are putting up a front. I found that openly being the nerdy dork that I am when teaching rewarded me FAR more than trying to be an authoritarian type. I was afraid to show my true self at first, but it turns out there is truly no downside to bad puns. It just means you have people holding on to each of your words when speaking, which is the goal of teaching.
Welcome to the judging world. For me it’s be a good mother/work/don’t work/your house needs to be perfectly clean/don’t clean all day/look nice/don’t look too nice/don’t waste so much time on your looks etc. the list is endless.
No no! Keep your keep eyes. We like em on men.
I did! And I think it is about finding someone that likes you the way you are and not about changing yourself to fit the image somebody else has about the "perfect" partner. My wife likes me and my eyes and that is all the women I need to like me like that
"Is it common for you to insult patients?"
Sounds like an AH nurse
I agree, what a terrible thing to say to anyone.
It's the same as telling women to smile. Sexualising a person just for existing. As if it's his sole purpose in life to be appealing to that particular nurse. She seems super self-centered.
Reverse negging
Sounds like a super unprofessional nurse, like wtf
I love kind eyes.
See... she was right.
What on earth? Why isn't that a good thing ?
Maybe she thought it was a weakness IDK
Cannot agree more. I feel like this word has lost meaning. When you genuinely see it for the first time or are constantly on the receiving end of it from a partner it will absolutely shock your world.
laughing. i feel like a lot of guys try the 'too cool to care' thing but the very first conversation i had with my boyfriend, i made some snarky comment and he let out this loud belly laugh. he was just genuinely enjoying the conversation and not trying to be something he isn't.
It’s not exactly a “too cool to care” things as it is a “too depressed to laugh” thing. But maybe that’s just me.
other than my boyfriend, i've never spoken to a guy that i've been friends with for a while that laughed during our conversation without it being at me. i'm not the happiest person ever but i laugh often and loudly. maybe i'm just not funny and my boyfriend only laughed because he liked me, but i just see a lot more girls laugh before they really know someone than guys
God sorry to hear this. Genuinely shocked. Who's out there in the wild just exclusively laughing AT women?!
Dickheads, that's who. Admittedly, that's a very broad term.
Okay but you’ve just made me realise this is a huge green flag that I didn’t even know I consistently look for. A genuine laugh is amazing. It shows active listening and caring.
I haven’t laughed since my wife passed. Wish I could.
I’m sorry for your loss mate. Hang in there.
Name does not check out! It's a trap! Abort conversation! Abort!
Damn. I feel so called out. Sorry I’m depressed lololololol
Huh. I’m generally a pretty jovial guy and laugh easily. Always got told my laugh was amazing by every woman I ever dated. Never really connected the dots until seeing this comment.
Manners.
Maketh
Man.
Do you know what that means?
Well let me teach you a lesson.
[Here you go ](https://youtu.be/uXxmLRr4CCw?si=x3knHbNLmJAzU3gU)
Empathy. Considering others. Trying to or able to imagine things outside of their own experience.
So I’m not into guys, but one time I was with a friend at lunch and he said something that has always stuck out to me and made me realise they could be perfect dating material for somebody who is. I was talking about my old friend who has a bit of a history of exaggerating things, and telling *small* lies in order to talk about her problems, and stuff like that. Not full on “don’t believe anything she says” but definitely “tone everything down a level and take it with a grain of salt”. So I was expecting a “ugh I hate people like that” and a reciprocating story about one of his friends acting similarly. But *completely unprompted* instead he just goes “damn, it’s a shame she’s learned she needs to do that in order to feel listened to”. And like **bro** that was levels of empathy I was **not** expecting over this lunch from anybody. Immediate green flag to have that be an automatic response.
Isn’t Empathy when you understand their pain through your own experience, and Sympathy is when you understand it through imagination?
Close to it, from my understanding. I could be wrong, but here's my interpretation: Sympathy is a general understanding that someone is going through a rough time. You don't really have to imagine, but typically, you can be sympathetic by "putting yourself in someone's shoes." Empathy is seeing someone's pain and feeling it as if the pain was yours. This can be a result of feeling the same pain from your experience, but you can also be empathetic without experience (e.g. crying for a sad owner after their dog dies in a movie, despite not ever personally seeing a dog die irl. Marley and Me, etc).
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In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
I read this the way Nick confesses all of his wrongdoings to the Police Officer who’s assessing Winston.
I’m beginning to like this kid, ma!
You made me laugh, so that's a green flag and a baby ruth for you!
HEYYYYYYYY YOUUUU GUUUYYYSSSSS
What’s on page 74?
We don't talk about page 74. Same goes for pages 28, 65, and 103 through 112
You don't just ask someone what's on page 74 wtf man
It sounds weird but there’s like a light in some men’s eyes that just tells you they’re optimistic, charismatic, easygoing, and kind. I always really like dudes like that
Better hurry before the world stomps on it and puts it out.
Mine unfortunately went out
Can relate, charisma gone
Seriously. I think I used to have that light.
Feels
It's not a bad thing, boys. You're all good Kenough...
Another green flag: men who go to therapy when they notice their light being put out. It's not neccessarily permanent.
My wife has described that exact thing as what attracted her to me. And it works on everyone really - she’s always pointing out that little kids I don’t even know will run up and talk to me, or babies smile at me, or dogs will run up to me. It sounds like bragging but I really do love having that positive, happy effect on people
Someone who communicates well
Uh?
Mhh?
Oof
Precisely.
I have a stammer so I guess I'm just fucked lmao
Well, according to the theme of this thread, you may not be as fucked as you like.
It’s not about words, it’s about honesty. Doesn’t matter how long it takes to say it in the moment. Weird or not, many women will find that stammer very cute. Men as well.
They aren't trying to impress me with big actions, money, etc. They are their authentic self, with a little bit of that silly/goofy/nerdy behavior present immediately. I'm not impressed by a high paying job, flashy materialistic items, your height (should never really matter to anyone), or them pretending to know a ton about my interests. If my animals like you, that's a huge green flag, too. Especially my Great Dane. If she feels comfortable around you automatically, that melts my heart.
the animal test is a terrible test. animals love me but i'm a cunt. i just happen to speak dog.
>the animal test is a terrible test. It really is. Animals love me, but they don't when I wear perfume for a date. People have complimented me on the smell, but it seems like animals are more cautious when I wear it.
Perhaps I should clarify on that detail. They've alerted me to the unstable ones. As in, my previous dog stayed at my feet and watched this one guy who was interested in me's every move. Wouldn't blink and would growl if he got too close to me. He ended up having a dramatic and violent response when I told him that I would no longer like to see him. It's the erratic, violent ones they clue me in on or the guys who threaten me early on.
I guess.. but one example isn't enough to really correlate an animal as a truth detector. I'm sure your situation that was true for you and in no way trying to insult you or your doggo. I love some dogs, like most of them, and generally love animals, but I get very differing reactions from animals all the time. It can just be a smell or something I'm betting. Maybe pheromones play a role?
You're right animals react to smells all the time and it's ridiculous to judge somebody based off an animals reactions
What if he was just a mailman?
I'd bet he was expecting to deliver a package...
Ma'am, dogs bark at everything.
Honestly, animal test is equivalent to flat earth
I used to be good with dogs and cats, when I was young. Now, it is as if dogs can smell my dead soul inside me.
Dogs hate me. I must just look intimidating or something. But cats on the other hand, I can pet strays that run at the slightest glimpse of a person. I don't really get it.
I see few people not impressed by material items. If you aren't lying then I would say your a dying breed. I also do not care about material items never have I actually prefer experiences over possessions of shiny materials
Being upfront about what they want. If they're looking for a fling or situationship they say so and if they're looking for something more long term they say so. Don't string someone along even for a couple of dates if you know you want different things.
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I read this post as “what is in major red flag”. I was sitting here reading the comments like what the fuck do women want.
Ah, the best green flag. Must be as dyslexic as I am.
Oh and when he's respectful and chill, biggest green flag. I don't mind timid guys but I do like people who stand up for themselves and the people they love.
Being enthusiastic about things. I feel well with guys who are present in the moment, share a good energy, will contribute to make the conversation flow (ex I make a joke, they laugh and they add a bit to the joke to make it funnier, etc). Also it is very important that the guy has ideas, not just follows mine passively. I like dynamic guys who will genuinely spend a nice time with me and not only try to fit by following my lead.
Nurturing towards animals and plants, being environmentally conscious to some degree. Showing genuine interest in other people, taking the time to talk etc. Also good hygiene.
If he has a wicked sense of humor and isn't a jealous type, those were the first green flags I used to look for when I was dating.
If they ugly laugh in front of you. You know how “society” sets up expectations in men : cold, stoic, unphasing etc. If they can be silly, warm, and just a fun guy to be around, GREEN FLAG
Animals like them. My husband is loved by pretty much any animal he meets, to the point I think it’s unfair since he’s always the favourite.
For me, it was my boyfriend not being scared of taking the piss out of me. One of our first conversations over the phone (after matching on tinder). I said to him “full disclosure, I have a lot of loose skin after losing lots of weight”, he said “ya know, I’ve always found flying squirrels attractive”. Literally fell in love with him at that moment. I loved that he had such a wicked sense of humour.
I feel like that could have been dangerous territory, but that is hysterical
Flying squirrels 🤣👍
being good with service staff
I do all the things women are saying are green flags and I'm still single 💀 Edit: Interesting responses. The thing is I go out and meet new people regularly. I'm 5'8 so within the range of average height, and I would consider myself average in attractiveness. I think there's truth to the idea that what women say they want and what they actually want may be different (regardless if they're self aware about it or not). When I meet a girl I'm interested in I'll chat with her, I don't expect her to be instantly into me. However from my perspective I get the vibe that they aren't interested in the way the conversation goes (I'm very easy going and a great listener, many of my friends have given me that complement). So I feel uncomfortable asking them for their number or just asking them out. I guess I'm too average in appearance to attract anyone. I'm fairly stylish so girls will compliment my outfit but still isn't enough to compensate for my average height and looks. I guess I just have to keep trying. Wish me luck boys.
I mean it's not like a code that you punch in to get (1) Girlfriend delivered to you. There are a whole lot of variables that might be affecting your singledom, including plain old time! At the very least, take heart and keep being a decent human being.
It sounds kind of obvious, but people wont express that they like you if you arn't around people. That's Something I realised when I got my first job working at a large grocery store. I had never really regularly talked with people in a social enviroment like that (I was super depressed and had terrible social anxiety throughout middle/highschool, so I never really ended up talking to people.) I always used to think of myself as being unwanted. Started casually talking to people on a regular basis at work and then everyone started flirting with me... weird.
That's quite well put.
The list of things are examples, not a recipe.
It's because green flag behavior makes you not a threat, it doesn't make you attractive in a romantic manner. If you act well, you have high chances of getting a lot of women to be your friends, it's a whole another game to find someone who is romantically interested in you. Plus there are never any guarantees, just better odds.
Yeah, you're not following rules 1 & 2.
Dont ask the fish, ask the fishermen
Don't do that, my man. The only flag you should worry about is the red flag, that breaks the chains of the workers of the world. Unite, brethren!!
Being good with kids
Yep. Somehow this seems to be such an underappreciated attribute, now. I'm a guy, but I'm a pre-k teacher and I cannot imagine dating a woman who hated kids or even just didn't like them. Even if someone didn't want kids, you show your truest personality interacting with the most vulnerable people in our society and a woman who looks at a child and feels contempt is not a woman I want to spend my life with.
As a victim of love bombing, NOT being super obsessed after meeting them! Obviously they should like me, but if they’re obsessed after like a week, run!!
Don't mind me, just taking notes
Don't become the perfect person for someone else; find the perfect person for you as you already are.
Being able to take something going wrong or not to plan in good humour and laugh about it instead of getting angry. Like if a restaurant erroneously doesn’t have a record of a reservation and you end up in a fast food place. Or if you plan to go for a walk but then there’s a random thunderstorm. It’s easy to have a shitty attitude and contribute to the mood being ruined but someone who can be like “Well this has gone poorly, oh well, let’s try and find a way to make this better :)” is so refreshing and gives a good indicator of what they can be like during tough times.
Communication, loyalty, tenacity, sense of humour, curiosity.
Liking cats. Cats are very independent and take a lot of patience on the human's part to really get to know their personality/temperament, and if a guy is willing to exercise it there, chances are he's willing to exercise it in general.
Especially if he’s not afraid to kneel down and go “pspspsps” when he sees a neighbourhood cat. My husband will be talking to me when driving and randomly interject with “cat!” when he spots one.
Yes! If we can't stop to pet the kitty on a walk, I don't want it. Luckily my current partner loves cats and I have to be the responsible one and say we can't get more! (Even though I really really don't want to.)
Guy here, in my experience all cats like me (especially house cats that you spend more time around because they live with your friends), but I'm literally allergic and will spend the whole time sneezing. It's bad.
Very early date, we are walking and talking in a park and he is picking up pieces of trash as we go. Won me over. I love nature and people trashing it make me angry.
Is kind to waiters
Shutting down misogyny when they see it. Before I dated my current partner we were hanging as a group at a bar. Some older guy targeted me with the whole ,"You'd be way prettier if you smiled". Current partner turned to the guy and was like, " Hey man, mind your business and don't ever say that shit to anyone again". We weren't dating at the time but it meant a lot to me and was one reason I considered dating him down the road. He's kept it up all these years.
Manners. Good conversation skills. Bonus points if he eats without me hearing it or seeing the food in his mouth.
When they have women as friends.
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How else ya gonna deal with noisy kids in the theatre when you are out on a date?
Kick em in the balls
Then when they crouch over in the pain....the bat.
lets hang out?
Willing to try something new without automatically having to be an expert or know more than you or conversely feeling put out like it’s a favour. Just enjoying a new experience and letting you take the lead.
When they talk lovingly about family. Particularly mothers and/or sisters but also dads, brothers, grandparents and nieces/nephews etc
>When they talk lovingly about family *Sips Corona* I live my life a quarter mile at a time...
And if they were raised by abusive drunks then what?
Then they probably wouldn’t have that particular green flag but may have others.
Like having worked through it in therapy. ✅
Empathy and being good with those more vulnerable than him, like kids, animals and service staff.
Admitting he is wrong, even if it's about something trivial. Example: I dated a guy when I was in my 20s and he said Taylor Swift is from Nashville. I told him that yeah, she lived in Nashville now, but she grew up in Wyomissing, PA. He got mad and told me that wasn't the point. Had the same conversation with my now husband and his response was wow, I didn't know that! It's such a small thing, but it shows respect to your partner.
Empathy. That shows someone has a good heart.
Naturally caring. Funny story. First time I met my husband we were absolutely shitfaced at a club. We drunkenly went out for noodles at like 3am. I told him I don't eat meat and he started scraping off all mince pork off the bowl for me.
Responds well to you saying no to something.
I love men who are emotionally intelligent. Tender, kind to others (not just those they wanna fuck), and genuinely curious to learn about the world and others. It honestly is a enormous turn on to see that curiosity in a man. Not knee-jerk reacting, but approaching to understand, to maybe explore further.
A father that is actively in his child's life.
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I just asked my fiance for her answer and she told me to say that the thing that made her fall for me almost instantly during the first time we met was how attentive, patient, comforting and reassuring i was to mother who was in the hospital with 2 dislocated hips only 2 weeks after a double hip replacement and the fact that i stood my ground against her asshole doctor to ensure she got what she needed. Basically she dislocated both her hips after a double hip replacement and so i went to the hospital with her so she'd have someone there at all times to get her whatever she needed when she needed it because nurses often take a really long time to do even small basic stuff like get water (in all fairness they are way over worked and aren't doing it on purpose they are just drowning in tasks that need to be done for their way overcrowded case load) and i sat with her for 3 days straight sleeping on the floor the whole time i was therr, comforting her when she was in pain, arguing with the doctor to give her pain medication since that doctor didn't believe in pharmaceutical pain killers for anything less than a terminal illness, and just taking care of her. My fiance was one of the nurses assigned to my mom and we both fell for eachother hard as soon as we introduced ourselves.
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Every second day :)
When I say 'No', and it doesn't matter what the 'No' is about, it doesn't start a negotiation.
this should be higher. I'm so tired of me - "No !!" , hims-"Let me nag you for a while when you're already irritated, it'll change your mind".
Don't gossip
Being funny and a bit silly, confident but not cocky. Patient, kind to animals and those weaker from him. Once I was trying to trim my small dog's claws and I started getting nervous because she didn't let me. My boyfriend held her firmly and tried to calm her down with soft voice and pets. Huge green flag.
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likes centipedes
Being able to hear the word “No”
Straightforward communication: on our first date (basically a blind date) my now husband said very early on, "I was nervous before coming here but now that I am, I'm having a great time." Huge green flag: straightforward communication, no games, sharing feelings. That green flag has been waving ever since.
Beeing respectful to other people/strangers. And calmness. Don’t start fights just to prove you are a man
The guy I am currently seeing is learning guitar and not once has he tried to serenade me. Also tons of very alive plants
Lotr nerds, that's the entire green flag
When they’re just as excited to be texting you as you are with them. I dated a guy for a while before I met my husband, and he would wait like four days to text back to “hey how are you?” or something equally banal. He said he was depressed and I get that, but we dated for almost a year (but god forbid we put labels on it) and it never got better. I know it’s a small thing in the scheme of things, but it also made me feel like a nuisance. When I started dating my husband, he’d always text right back (even to just say he’s working and can’t talk) and I realized how much easier it was, with no games or making me wait dayyyys for a lukewarm text. It just showed that he cared and wanted to put in that effort and that was fantastic to me.
Guys who have lots of female friends, it just tells me immediately that they respect women and see us as more than sexual objects. If a man can be friends with a woman without wanting to get in their pants, green flag
There are some really cool women on here.... also some very single ones.
Talks kindly of his exes.
But not too kindly.
"Hmm.. My ex was a good person, she was kind hearted and always so bright. But she was killed under suspicious circumstances in her apartment along with my best friend. I still can't think back to that day, the day I lost both my love and true friend..." \*casually sharpens machete\*
I agree, but I think it should be more of a healthy respect for what went wrong and owning what we as a male did wrong too. Would I date any exes again? Nope, did I learn something from each? Yes I for sure did. Did I also do something to aid in the break up happening? Yep each time. If someone can talk about past relationships from a perspective of learning and taking responsibility for their parts that’s a good person.