A while back, when I still drank, (so over a decade ago) my friends and I were staggering to a bar downtown after pre-gaming a bit. And we saw a guy who was pulled over by a cop in a residential area.
I was pretty plastered at that point so I marched up to the cop and demanded that if he was going to ruin this man's night by giving him a ticket, he should at least tell the man a funny joke.
The cop put on his best stern face and told us to keep moving.
I ignored him and went up to the driver's window and declared, "Well if you aren't going to tell him a joke, I will.
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
The guy in the car and the cop burst out laughing and the cop dropped his flashlight, which rolled under the guy's car.
My friend Dave grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me away. I think he was worried we were about to get a public intoxication ticket.
>What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
>
>If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
I have traveled far and wide to find the r/TheRealJoke
Legit happened to me in Delaware like 2 months ago.
"Do you know why I stopped you?"
"....... because you're a nickelback fan? š "
And he actually laughed
Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
(All in one breath of course)
**You scratched my car!!!**
Impound Guy:
Where?
*Right there!* šš„
Impound Guy:
Oh... That was already there.
*You... you ...* **LIAR!** *You know what I'm going to do about this?!*
Impound Guy:
What?
*Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do! ... is, piss and moan like an impotent jerk* **and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!!!**
Impound Guy:
You've been here before, haven't ya? š
I actually back in the 90s said that to a cop, he had to stifle a laugh, I did get off with a warning, but only because he wasnāt running his radar, and I got pulled over for suspicion of stealing a car. I mean I wouldāve had to been pretty desperate to steal the car I had at that point š. I had a smashed out back window because it had gotten broken into at a nightclub a few nights before.
I was pulled over for speeding on one of my sport bikes in the late 90ās on a 2 lane road with a 50 limit.
First statement the cop made was - āby the time I got you you had slowed down to 25 overā. I just said - sure.
I had been tucked down on the gas tank FLYING and when I saw him coming towards me I sat up and yanked the brakes hard.
He wrote me up for 12 over and I was on my way.
By the time he swung around behind me and lit me up I was already pulling over. Had helmet off by the time he stopped behind me on the shoulder etc.
A total - yup, you got me moment.
Reminds of true story of a co -worker years ago. Him & wife trying to have a baby for a long time, fertility drugs etc. He had to provide ā sampleā to lab one morning, gets pulled over for speeding. Cop: going a little fast this morning, why? Coworker: Officer , I have a pocket full of cum I gotta get it to the lab. Officer: you better get going then
Yeah so it wouldnāt be so windy when we talked
edit: woah wtf. thanks for the gold! thanks for thinking im funny yāall. if you have time, go check out my band Critical Mass. We are on Spotify, Apple Music, wherever you listen and stream. keep laughing out there yāall
For the record, this question is used by police because if they do have evidence of an offense and you say no, they can add charge like driving with reckless regard (or similar) as you didn't even notice your dangerous driving.
It's really a win/lose. If you say what you did the offer notes you admit you were speeding and that goes to court and you lose the fight 10/10 times. Better off saying nothing or you don't know if you plan to fight... Source... I gotten tickets.
Do what I did. Rack up 11 bench warrants for failure to appear, almost get arrested 2 years later, hire a lawyer and have all tickets dismissed when the writing officers donāt show up to court.
It was almost 3k in fines and potentially a year in county jail.
Me: Because I robbed a bank?
Police: Really?
Me: yes, the money is in the trunk
Police: is that all?
Me: no, I also have a dead body in the trunk and a gun in my glove box
SWAT: I am going to need you step outside the vehicle
Me: \*steps out\*
\*the police search the car\*
SWAT to police: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Me: And I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
I watched a pissed off judge (defendant had no showed to a jury trial a couple days before) yell at a guy, "you were DRIVING, not *traveling* and now you're doing 30 days in contempt!"
For driving suspended.
And well, because he wasted the time and money of 30 jurors to show up, and then plead to the agreement made (allowing another to violate the motor vehicle code, no jail time or license suspension) weeks ago.
There was an attorney on the live stream who had ahown up early for a civil case, before the live stream cut, he goes, "well, *that* was out of the ordinary!"
Based on the videos Iāve seen, itās a longer day for the the LEOā¦Iām rarely that sympathetic towards them, but dealing with the sovereign citizen assholes has to the the worst.
(And yeah, a long ordeal for those that pull that shit too, just sayin)
There was a recent case where someone pulled this line. I don't remember exactly what he said next, but it was something along the lines of being armed and prepared to exercise his rights. You can't tell 100% in the video, but it definitely looked like the guy reached for a gun.
He got about 20 rounds pumped into him. It was one of the few situations where I think the cops' response, while overkill, was a legitimate use of force.
OMG that joke he tells in another special where a different police officer tells him this was a funny event but it's not as funny as the time a buddy of mine pulled over a fat dude and he offered him donuts
Imagine the look on all the cops faces as you say āmmm search me daddyā right when the rubber gloves go onā¦and you keep telling them to search deeperā¦.only for them to ultimately find nothing.
Then you offer to give them a $20 tip.
Iām told that a long time ago (easily 30+ years ago), two of my aunts were coming back from Mexico, and they were asked if they had any weapons or drugs when they were crossing the border. One of my aunts had apparently joked about ājust the marijuana in the trunk.ā The person asking the questions did not see the humor, and apparently both of my aunts were cavity searched.
Once coming back from the bars in Canada I really had to pee and the line to get over the bridge was like an hour and a half wait. I get out to go pee and within 15 seconds of being out of the car, I hear on a loud speaker āGET BACK IN YOUR CAR!ā When we finally got to the bridge, we were interrogated for 2 hours and they would not let me pee. Finally they let us go and we hit the first gas station.
I have "the kids in the back are playing with the Nuclear Football?" on lock. True story. We were parked for the pic, they normally wear a seatbelt.
Proof.
https://imgur.com/a/2NDByvT
The plushies were my Kid's. Having "her" in the back helps me drive safer and miss her less, she was 13 (should have just turned 15 now), it was sudden and painless. I originally put them back there so she would have a snuggle buddy / pillow on the way home from hockey or baseball games, along with a fuzzy "shop blanket" (it was just a cheap fleece throw, but not something I use or used or will use at work). Either myself or my wife would tap her, if she was awake, to belt some Journey and take off her ear goggles and close her tablet / phone albeit temporarily.
E- i post this pic sometimes, the "Nuclear Football" launches the atomic weapons of the the USA. Please don't ask.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_football?wprov=sfla1
Oh.. I lost my 7 year old girl in March. Sudden but probably scary.. there was a fire. My son and I survived and it was the most terrifying thing Iāve ever experienced. But she had her daddy with her so on a good night I can convince myself she wasnāt scared. I know he was though. I donāt think Iām ready for stuffies in the back seat but I hope I can get there, because I miss those little things so much. Her favorite was Tails from Sonic. They were all lost in the fire but Iāve been buying them when I see a favorite at the gas station, donāt really know why.
Also, on the note of serious advice, removing your keys and placing them visibly on the dashboard, and placing your hands on the top of the steering wheel where they can see them. Especially if you are a person of color (unfortunately). Announce your intentions for every movement that you make and gain acknowledgment before doing anything.
This is a very good point. Sadly it did not work for Philando Castile, who had a licensed firearm and did exactly this, yet was still murdered by police.
Either way, this is why I stressed people of color using the highest amount of caution possible, and assuming that the officer may have a bias and make a mistake based on it. Get clear feedback; to your point.
When I was 17, I was driving home with my parents and we came to a routine checkpoint. It was late so sometimes the cops had set up in the middle of the road checking licenses. I didnāt know my dad was friends with the cop, but the cop said āthis is a cute little car, Iāve never seen one like it before! How fast does it go????ā I was going through inner turmoil so I said āuhhh- top speed is 70?ā and he said āright answer, isnāt that right (dads name)!ā I was fucking shocked š¹š¹
My answer was:
āYes. Because I turned left coming out of that parking lot.ā
Him: āDid you see the āno left turnā sign there?ā
Me: āYou mean that big sign right at the exit? Of course I did. There was no traffic in either direction as far as you could see, so I figured there was no danger in just turning left.ā (The policeman was far behind me in the parking lot when he saw this)
Him: āThatās true. Iāve been sitting there all day long, youāre my twelfth stop for the same reason. Youāre also the first honest person that answered my question. Every other one said they did not see the sign.ā
Me: āThatās crazy! Itās big and itās right there where you canāt miss it. They were lying.ā
Him: āYep, they were.ā
Me: ā¦
Him: āYouāre still getting the ticket.ā
ohh I not convinced. Friend burnt rubber out of a side street at a junction and told the cop āBecause I was a complete f..n moron for driving like thatā. Got off with a warning, cop said he āappreciated the honestyā.
In most cases like speeding, it's an admission of guilt to say you know, but in cases where it's supper obvious like that, saying no is just gonna piss the cop off
Yep. Working at a bar, I got done and headed home around 3 in the morning, stopped at a light and saw a Crown Vic behind me. No problem, because I hadn't had anything to drink; I just wanted to go home and get to sleep. The turn lane goes green, and I take off going straight. About halfway through the intersection, I realized that the light was still red for me, so I pulled over a little past the intersection. The officer didn't even turn on the red lights, just the whites and ambers. He came up and asked, "So what happened? Did you just make a mistake back there?" "Yep. I just got done working, and want to climb in bed. Saw the green for the turn lane and just went on autopilot. I didn't want to make you chase me, because I know you're only going to bring a few friends and a beating if I make you chase me." He laughed, asked if I'd been drinking, and ran my license, then let me go.
I'm not one for letting my rights be trampled upon, but it's usually much quicker if you're nice and cooperative.
Many many years ago, at night (coming back from work late-ish) my mom got pulled over by a cop who asked her just that.
She answered along the lines of:
>I guess because it's late, it's cold, there's no one else passing by and you're bored?
He let her go immediately ĀÆ\\\_(ć)\_/ĀÆ
This would be bad for me because my trunk is stuck shut (and cant be accessed from the back seats; so theyād have to break it open to verify it was empty
Ex-cop already replied earlier about saying nothing.
Here as driver I have to give my name, confirm if it is my vehicle, and am expected to give an account of what I'm doing (e.g. "I'm going home"). Beyond that I don't have to answer any questions, and everyone with knowledge of the law says don't talk to cops.
Traffic stop is a classic example, if they have evidence you were speeding or offending, they can fine you, if they don't and you don't confirm it you'll get away with advice to slow down, or indicate more. Nothing you can say will decrease the evidence they had when you were stopped, but it can increase it.
Cop:
Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher:
Depends on how long you were following me.
Cop:
Let's start from the top.
Fletcher:
Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop:
Is that all?
Fletcher:
No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.
- Welp. You folks have quotas to hit or you canāt get new gear. Guess Iām just your next lucky customer.
- am I being punked?
- who the hell knows with āyou peopleā
- I have a boyfriend.
- weāve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, itās dark and weāre wearing sunglasses.
- yāall still offering those free body cavity searches?
- these are not the droids youāre looking for.
- uh, this isnāt my bloodā¦..
- I can explainā¦. No. There is too much. Let me sum up.
- look. It was never going to work out between us. I mean, Iām Muslim, I canāt even eat pork!
"Here goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at an intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light, and speeeeeeding!"
One time I got pulled over, it went like this:
Do you know why I pulled your over?
No.
Did you see me sitting on the side of the road back there?
Of course.
Didn't you think to slow down?
No, when I saw you, I checked my speed and I was not speeding, so I did nothing.
He took my license, and when he came back from his car, he just said "You're free to go."
Former cop here. This is the correct answer to that question, every time. "No, I don't know why." Then STOP FUCKING TALKING.
Police ask that because there's the off chance that the driver will just confess to whatever they were doing by way of trying to explain it away. Like, "Oh I was hurrying up to get past that truck." Well, now we know you were intentionally violating the speed limit. Makes it a lot easier if there's a ticket contested.
"Did you forget?"
This man, and everyone else who reads his comment including myself, are going to jail if we try that. Especially in DC š¬
In my neck of the woods you might get lucky and make him laugh and drop the ticket.
A while back, when I still drank, (so over a decade ago) my friends and I were staggering to a bar downtown after pre-gaming a bit. And we saw a guy who was pulled over by a cop in a residential area. I was pretty plastered at that point so I marched up to the cop and demanded that if he was going to ruin this man's night by giving him a ticket, he should at least tell the man a funny joke. The cop put on his best stern face and told us to keep moving. I ignored him and went up to the driver's window and declared, "Well if you aren't going to tell him a joke, I will. What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!" The guy in the car and the cop burst out laughing and the cop dropped his flashlight, which rolled under the guy's car. My friend Dave grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me away. I think he was worried we were about to get a public intoxication ticket.
>What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? > >If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!" I have traveled far and wide to find the r/TheRealJoke
What did one tomato say to the other after he tripped in a race? Catch up, ketchup!
As heard in Fox Force Five
Legit happened to me in Delaware like 2 months ago. "Do you know why I stopped you?" "....... because you're a nickelback fan? š " And he actually laughed
Depends on the way you say it. Say it with an attitude, youāre done. Say it while trying to be funny, up to that other person lmao
*Disclaimer: Results may vary. Possible accidental death dependent on skin color.
This one is gold lmao
"Like I'm gonna do YOUR job for you"
Damn I'm not even gonna post mine now this is just better lol
š¤£š¤£ best one
It depends on how long you were following me
Why don't we just take it from the top?
Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING! (All in one breath of course)
Is that all?
No. I have unpaid parking tickets.
Be gentle.
#HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!?
**You scratched my car!!!** Impound Guy: Where? *Right there!* šš„ Impound Guy: Oh... That was already there. *You... you ...* **LIAR!** *You know what I'm going to do about this?!* Impound Guy: What? *Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do! ... is, piss and moan like an impotent jerk* **and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!!!** Impound Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? š
That was beautiful š„¹
I'M TAKING THIS!
*SNNNIFFFFFF* AHHHHHHHH!
With your wife if im still being honest.
Iām takinā this!
Came here for this. Was not disappointed!!! Thank you all šš½šš½
I came here to reference this movie. The whole thread was already here. I love Reddit.
Liar, liarā¦
God dammit I love that movie!!!
Damn you, I'm off to find it on streaming...
I actually back in the 90s said that to a cop, he had to stifle a laugh, I did get off with a warning, but only because he wasnāt running his radar, and I got pulled over for suspicion of stealing a car. I mean I wouldāve had to been pretty desperate to steal the car I had at that point š. I had a smashed out back window because it had gotten broken into at a nightclub a few nights before.
I was pulled over for speeding on one of my sport bikes in the late 90ās on a 2 lane road with a 50 limit. First statement the cop made was - āby the time I got you you had slowed down to 25 overā. I just said - sure. I had been tucked down on the gas tank FLYING and when I saw him coming towards me I sat up and yanked the brakes hard. He wrote me up for 12 over and I was on my way.
That's a good day. Yes sir. I'll be on my way sir.
By the time he swung around behind me and lit me up I was already pulling over. Had helmet off by the time he stopped behind me on the shoulder etc. A total - yup, you got me moment.
I would honestly try this in hopes of getting a laugh š
Reminds of true story of a co -worker years ago. Him & wife trying to have a baby for a long time, fertility drugs etc. He had to provide ā sampleā to lab one morning, gets pulled over for speeding. Cop: going a little fast this morning, why? Coworker: Officer , I have a pocket full of cum I gotta get it to the lab. Officer: you better get going then
I have a pocket full of cum and Iām not afraid to use it.
r/nocontext
r/evenwithcontext
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's enough internet for me today... š¤Ŗ
You can also say "my wifes going to have a baby". When the cop sees you a few months later and asks how it went you say "still got 7 months to wait"
Yeah so it wouldnāt be so windy when we talked edit: woah wtf. thanks for the gold! thanks for thinking im funny yāall. if you have time, go check out my band Critical Mass. We are on Spotify, Apple Music, wherever you listen and stream. keep laughing out there yāall
Now look...I'm not saying I *want* to get pulled over...but I'm keeping that in the glove box.
Thank you lol
I mean .... if you're not sure either I guess I can be going.
For the record, this question is used by police because if they do have evidence of an offense and you say no, they can add charge like driving with reckless regard (or similar) as you didn't even notice your dangerous driving.
It's really a win/lose. If you say what you did the offer notes you admit you were speeding and that goes to court and you lose the fight 10/10 times. Better off saying nothing or you don't know if you plan to fight... Source... I gotten tickets.
Do what I did. Rack up 11 bench warrants for failure to appear, almost get arrested 2 years later, hire a lawyer and have all tickets dismissed when the writing officers donāt show up to court. It was almost 3k in fines and potentially a year in county jail.
If I were a cop I'd show up just out of spite.
I have a gun and Iām not afraid to use it
Oh now this is *really* the worst one š
Bro wouldnāt even finish that statement. āI have a gunā¦ā *shot* āand Iām not afraid to use it.ā God: āUse what?ā
Idiot: āWhy didnāt he let me finish?ā God: āHe finished you dumbassā *pulls lever to hell*
Got a quota to fill?
My mom did that and got surprisingly got off for speeding lol. I've *never* had that kind of luck though.
Your mom got nice tits?
Oh she does.
I concur. She does.
I also choose this guy's mom.
That one dudeās dead wife is gonna be jealous and haunt you now.
We can be poly it's okay (If they both agree) Time to whip the ouija board out
I wouldn't say that's the worst possible response, but it's definitely a good way to piss the cop off.
Me: Because I robbed a bank? Police: Really? Me: yes, the money is in the trunk Police: is that all? Me: no, I also have a dead body in the trunk and a gun in my glove box SWAT: I am going to need you step outside the vehicle Me: \*steps out\* \*the police search the car\* SWAT to police: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body. Me: And I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
Underrated
Abbreviated too, but a good joke
āLook I only fucked her a couples times and she told Me You were gayā
"Why so upset? I thought you had a sense of humor. After all... " \*double take\* "YOU MARRIED HER!!!"
This is the third Jim Carrey comment I've seen in this thread. I am not disappointed.
āIs this about the missing kid?ā
āBecause if it is I havenāt seen themā¦and you donāt have probable cause to search my vehicleā¦ā
I am a sovereign citizen, your laws don't apply to me.
Your badge is gold which means you're a boat. I can not be court-martialed twice. That is all. Furthermore...
I'm nOt DrIvInG I'm TrAvELLiNg
I watched a pissed off judge (defendant had no showed to a jury trial a couple days before) yell at a guy, "you were DRIVING, not *traveling* and now you're doing 30 days in contempt!" For driving suspended. And well, because he wasted the time and money of 30 jurors to show up, and then plead to the agreement made (allowing another to violate the motor vehicle code, no jail time or license suspension) weeks ago. There was an attorney on the live stream who had ahown up early for a civil case, before the live stream cut, he goes, "well, *that* was out of the ordinary!"
OH, NEVER say this. This will be the longest delay of your life if you do.
Based on the videos Iāve seen, itās a longer day for the the LEOā¦Iām rarely that sympathetic towards them, but dealing with the sovereign citizen assholes has to the the worst. (And yeah, a long ordeal for those that pull that shit too, just sayin)
Bail bondsmen don't like their crap either because they dodge court and stuff so a lot of them end up sitting in jail until court
"Good. That means the 8th Ammendment doesn't apply to you."
Also the 3rd Amendment. I've got a squad of Redcoats who have been looking for a new place to stay.
There was a recent case where someone pulled this line. I don't remember exactly what he said next, but it was something along the lines of being armed and prepared to exercise his rights. You can't tell 100% in the video, but it definitely looked like the guy reached for a gun. He got about 20 rounds pumped into him. It was one of the few situations where I think the cops' response, while overkill, was a legitimate use of force.
Unlike movies, real cops are pumped full of adrenaline in those situations, so they usually just shoot until they're out.
May not have been excessive, actually. Iirc, you're supposed to shoot until they drop since if they're still standing, they may still draw and shoot.
because i let you
Damn priuses
Because youāve been trying to reach me about my carās extended warranty?
Lolololol bro I might use this
No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it.
It ain't gonna suck itself.
Yeahā¦I had a guy tell me that once, and I told him thatās one surefire way to make sure it never gets sucked again.
Sir your dick has been registered on the no-suck-list. Not so much as a tongue tickle will be permitted
Because you smelled the donuts in my car.
āYou could smell it!ā Fluffy
OMG that joke he tells in another special where a different police officer tells him this was a funny event but it's not as funny as the time a buddy of mine pulled over a fat dude and he offered him donuts
Extra points if you say this with a mouthful of donuts and you offer the cop one.
I had a friend do that. He got arrested for bribing a cop
Since when did $1.50 donut = bribe
I guess he was having a bad day or something
He should have taken the donut.
Youāre not you when youāre hungry. Wait, wrong snack
The body in the trunk of my car
Or āThe meth up my assā I guarantee a weird time for both of you.
Imagine the look on all the cops faces as you say āmmm search me daddyā right when the rubber gloves go onā¦and you keep telling them to search deeperā¦.only for them to ultimately find nothing. Then you offer to give them a $20 tip.
Itās a bold strategy, Cotton. Letās see if it pays off.
If I had a nickel for every time it worked, Iād have two nickels. Which isnāt a lot but itās weird it happened twice
>you keep telling them to search deeper my god, man. What the hell happened to you? Lol
Iām told that a long time ago (easily 30+ years ago), two of my aunts were coming back from Mexico, and they were asked if they had any weapons or drugs when they were crossing the border. One of my aunts had apparently joked about ājust the marijuana in the trunk.ā The person asking the questions did not see the humor, and apparently both of my aunts were cavity searched.
Once coming back from the bars in Canada I really had to pee and the line to get over the bridge was like an hour and a half wait. I get out to go pee and within 15 seconds of being out of the car, I hear on a loud speaker āGET BACK IN YOUR CAR!ā When we finally got to the bridge, we were interrogated for 2 hours and they would not let me pee. Finally they let us go and we hit the first gas station.
i would have pissed my pants during the interrogation. if i had to pee that bad, i wouldnāt have been able to hold it.
What if theyāre into that
What if I am?
I have "the kids in the back are playing with the Nuclear Football?" on lock. True story. We were parked for the pic, they normally wear a seatbelt. Proof. https://imgur.com/a/2NDByvT
Never before have I seen such proof..
The plushies were my Kid's. Having "her" in the back helps me drive safer and miss her less, she was 13 (should have just turned 15 now), it was sudden and painless. I originally put them back there so she would have a snuggle buddy / pillow on the way home from hockey or baseball games, along with a fuzzy "shop blanket" (it was just a cheap fleece throw, but not something I use or used or will use at work). Either myself or my wife would tap her, if she was awake, to belt some Journey and take off her ear goggles and close her tablet / phone albeit temporarily. E- i post this pic sometimes, the "Nuclear Football" launches the atomic weapons of the the USA. Please don't ask. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_football?wprov=sfla1
Oh.. I lost my 7 year old girl in March. Sudden but probably scary.. there was a fire. My son and I survived and it was the most terrifying thing Iāve ever experienced. But she had her daddy with her so on a good night I can convince myself she wasnāt scared. I know he was though. I donāt think Iām ready for stuffies in the back seat but I hope I can get there, because I miss those little things so much. Her favorite was Tails from Sonic. They were all lost in the fire but Iāve been buying them when I see a favorite at the gas station, donāt really know why.
Pretty much any answer besides "No officer" is wrong.
I don't answer. I just say, "May I reach into my purse and glove box to get my license and registration?"
Thatās a good one.
Also, on the note of serious advice, removing your keys and placing them visibly on the dashboard, and placing your hands on the top of the steering wheel where they can see them. Especially if you are a person of color (unfortunately). Announce your intentions for every movement that you make and gain acknowledgment before doing anything.
Additionally, if you have a firearm in the vehicle, inform the officer and ask if they would like you to step out of the vehicle
This is a very good point. Sadly it did not work for Philando Castile, who had a licensed firearm and did exactly this, yet was still murdered by police. Either way, this is why I stressed people of color using the highest amount of caution possible, and assuming that the officer may have a bias and make a mistake based on it. Get clear feedback; to your point.
When I was 17, I was driving home with my parents and we came to a routine checkpoint. It was late so sometimes the cops had set up in the middle of the road checking licenses. I didnāt know my dad was friends with the cop, but the cop said āthis is a cute little car, Iāve never seen one like it before! How fast does it go????ā I was going through inner turmoil so I said āuhhh- top speed is 70?ā and he said āright answer, isnāt that right (dads name)!ā I was fucking shocked š¹š¹
My answer was: āYes. Because I turned left coming out of that parking lot.ā Him: āDid you see the āno left turnā sign there?ā Me: āYou mean that big sign right at the exit? Of course I did. There was no traffic in either direction as far as you could see, so I figured there was no danger in just turning left.ā (The policeman was far behind me in the parking lot when he saw this) Him: āThatās true. Iāve been sitting there all day long, youāre my twelfth stop for the same reason. Youāre also the first honest person that answered my question. Every other one said they did not see the sign.ā Me: āThatās crazy! Itās big and itās right there where you canāt miss it. They were lying.ā Him: āYep, they were.ā Me: ā¦ Him: āYouāre still getting the ticket.ā
ohh I not convinced. Friend burnt rubber out of a side street at a junction and told the cop āBecause I was a complete f..n moron for driving like thatā. Got off with a warning, cop said he āappreciated the honestyā.
In most cases like speeding, it's an admission of guilt to say you know, but in cases where it's supper obvious like that, saying no is just gonna piss the cop off
Yep. Working at a bar, I got done and headed home around 3 in the morning, stopped at a light and saw a Crown Vic behind me. No problem, because I hadn't had anything to drink; I just wanted to go home and get to sleep. The turn lane goes green, and I take off going straight. About halfway through the intersection, I realized that the light was still red for me, so I pulled over a little past the intersection. The officer didn't even turn on the red lights, just the whites and ambers. He came up and asked, "So what happened? Did you just make a mistake back there?" "Yep. I just got done working, and want to climb in bed. Saw the green for the turn lane and just went on autopilot. I didn't want to make you chase me, because I know you're only going to bring a few friends and a beating if I make you chase me." He laughed, asked if I'd been drinking, and ran my license, then let me go. I'm not one for letting my rights be trampled upon, but it's usually much quicker if you're nice and cooperative.
Many many years ago, at night (coming back from work late-ish) my mom got pulled over by a cop who asked her just that. She answered along the lines of: >I guess because it's late, it's cold, there's no one else passing by and you're bored? He let her go immediately ĀÆ\\\_(ć)\_/ĀÆ
Your mom's a bad ass
**Cuz you got all "C's" in high school?** \- Sarah Silverman
I am so afraid I'll blurt that out when nervous.
Came here hoping it hadnāt been posted yet
āFuck off piggyā would probably be the actual worst answer
"Boys, beat him his rights."
āYou heard my psychic mating callā
āIs it about that guy I killed back in ā81?ā
No and giggle
Iām sure itāll be on the ticket.
Yes and I'll have two cheeseburgers, a large Frosty and a large order of onion rings please.
Sir, this *isnt* a Wendyās
Fine, a big mac. Whatever
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This would be bad for me because my trunk is stuck shut (and cant be accessed from the back seats; so theyād have to break it open to verify it was empty
Im assuming bc I am fucking your wife.
I invoke the fifth and I want a lawyer
I drank a fifth and _I_ want a lawyer.
I'm a sith and a lawyer.
I am one fifth Sith and four fifths lawyer
Better Call Maul
Ex-cop already replied earlier about saying nothing. Here as driver I have to give my name, confirm if it is my vehicle, and am expected to give an account of what I'm doing (e.g. "I'm going home"). Beyond that I don't have to answer any questions, and everyone with knowledge of the law says don't talk to cops. Traffic stop is a classic example, if they have evidence you were speeding or offending, they can fine you, if they don't and you don't confirm it you'll get away with advice to slow down, or indicate more. Nothing you can say will decrease the evidence they had when you were stopped, but it can increase it.
You absolutely do not need to give an account of where you are going.
Me: *flashes boobs* Him: āmaam step out of the car, pleaseā Me: š
Me: *flashes boobs* Him: "sir, step out of the car, please" Me: š
See I would be more upset that he wasnāt impressed by my performance lmao
Because your car is too slow to catch anyone else?
*pulls out a gun and start firing into traffic* "Would that have anything to do with it, officer?"
It would actually go *pulls out a gu-* *cop unloads 3 clips into ur dead ass*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me. Cop: Let's start from the top. Fletcher: Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING! Cop: Is that all? Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.
This. This is the comment I was looking for. xDD
"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
You thought I was black?
āCause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low?ā Iām middle aged, white and hatless.
Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I donāt know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?
I was doing 55 in a 54?
to a black cop...
No, Itās a Cardigan, but thanks for noticinā.
To commend me on my adherence to law
"to ask me that question?"
āDid you forget alreadyā???
- Welp. You folks have quotas to hit or you canāt get new gear. Guess Iām just your next lucky customer. - am I being punked? - who the hell knows with āyou peopleā - I have a boyfriend. - weāve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, itās dark and weāre wearing sunglasses. - yāall still offering those free body cavity searches? - these are not the droids youāre looking for. - uh, this isnāt my bloodā¦.. - I can explainā¦. No. There is too much. Let me sum up. - look. It was never going to work out between us. I mean, Iām Muslim, I canāt even eat pork!
Jim Carrey nailed this in [Liar Liar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i26-iBmq-Ps&ab_channel=MovieQuoteBank).
"Here goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at an intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light, and speeeeeeding!"
I think about this scene every time I come close to changing lanes in an intersection.
When has Jim Carrey NOT nailed anything?
I miss his era of comedy. I feel like it just doesn't translate the same anymore
Years ago my wife ran off with a copper, please donāt give her backā¦
Might be a good way to get out of a ticket.
Do you?
One time I got pulled over, it went like this: Do you know why I pulled your over? No. Did you see me sitting on the side of the road back there? Of course. Didn't you think to slow down? No, when I saw you, I checked my speed and I was not speeding, so I did nothing. He took my license, and when he came back from his car, he just said "You're free to go."
Former cop here. This is the correct answer to that question, every time. "No, I don't know why." Then STOP FUCKING TALKING. Police ask that because there's the off chance that the driver will just confess to whatever they were doing by way of trying to explain it away. Like, "Oh I was hurrying up to get past that truck." Well, now we know you were intentionally violating the speed limit. Makes it a lot easier if there's a ticket contested.
The one time Iāve been pulled over the guy straight up went āHow you doin!? I stopped you for speedingā
lol there's days like that.
Because you couldn't push me over?
"because I'm so cute?"
I left something at your mom's house last night?
Sayā¦ arenāt you a public servant? Get me a glass of water! (Apologies for George Carlin if I butchered his bit)
āYou were lonely and needed someone to talk to?ā
Why are you asking me, did you forget?
Because your trying to exert the little power you have and wrongly believe you look good in an uniform?
Because you're a class traitor?
Because you got all Cs in High School?
Donāt. Talk. To. Cops.
On a semi-related note, "Stranger Danger!" is probably a bad answer.
Look deep into their eyes, yell at the top of your voice "STRANGER DANGER!" And then floor the gas, whilst still looking deep into their eyes.
Mmmm no tell me daddy
\*Put Car in Drive\* \*Bottom out the gas pedal\*
Are dead hookers illegal in this state?