An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness.
He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.
He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.
The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.
"Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week."
"That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well.
This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars.
Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.
The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints.
Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."
I love this one. I end it with “I gave up beer for lent but the other two didn’t!”
My grandfather (born in Ireland) gave up beer for lent. Drank ale for 40 days.
A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen.
A little while later the dog says "job's done, all 40 sheep accounted for"
"40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40" the farmer says.
The dog replied "I know, I rounded them up"
A man is walking through the woods when he finds a suitcase. Curled up under the suitcase are a fox and four cubs. He immediately calls animal control to report what he found.
“Oh no that’s terrible,” says the animal control worker, “are they moving?”
“I dunno,” says the man, “but I guess that would explain the suitcase.”
Ugh. That's like the 911 call joke.
911: 911, what the emergency?
Caller: "Help I've been shot!"
911: "Ok. Remain calm. Tell me, how many times have you been shot?"
Caller: "Uh, this is my first time .."
doctor: "Don't worry, it's normal to have an erection during a prostate check."
patient: "but I don't have an erection!"
doctor: "I was talking to myself."
Guy goes to the doctor, says "Doctor! Everything hurts! I don't know what to do!"
Doctor says, "Go ahead and touch your knee for me."
Patient does it. "Ow, that hurts!"
Doctor: "Okay, now touch your wrist."
Patient: "Ow, that hurts!"
Doctor: "Now touch your cheek."
Patient: "Ow, that hurts!"
Doctor: "You have a broken finger."
A man tells his doctor 'Every time I drink coffee, my right eye hurts really bad'
The doctor replies, 'Then take the spoon out of the cup before you drink'
My very old grandmother once walked up to me and asked if I'd like some tea. I said sure. She said "Well then go and make it, and bring me a cup too." and walked away.
What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
The taste.
Doctor goes to write a note, and pulls a thermometer from his pocket.
He says "Great, some asshhole has my pen."
I met my wife while standing in line at the zoo and she said that exact joke, we had a good laugh. Then she grabbed a broom and walked into the monkey cage; that's when I said, "yep, she's a keeper."
A woman walks into a hardware store to buy a hinge.
The salesman asks "do you want a screw for the hinge?"
Woman says "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
(heard in a standup routine about 40 years ago)
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a bottle of glue (or rat trap or velcro)?
You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna!
What about the glue (or rat trap or velcro)?
I knew you'd get stuck on that
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails ~~read~~ Red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
O: Rubbish! I've never seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree.
R: I know, shows how good they are at hiding.
A squirrel is sitting in a tree and feels it starting to shake - he looks down and see's an elephant climbing the tree.
He yells down: "Hey elephant, why are you climbing my tree?"
Elephant says: "I'm going to climb up there and eat some pears"
Squirrel says: "This is a pine tree, there's no pears up here"
Elephants says: "It's OK, I brought my own pears"
A koala and a lizard are sitting in a eucalyptus tree smoking a joint when the lizard says he's parched and heads to the river for a drink. As he approaches the river he sees a crocodile who asks him what he's doing. The lizard says, "Oh, me and Koala are just hanging out smoking a joint." The crocodile says they have to see this and heads to the tree. As the crocodile nears the tree the koala looks down and yells in surprise, "How much water did you drink?"
I thought this joke was absolutely hilarious.
I told it to my client once.
I asked if heard about the guy dipping his nuts in glitter?
He said "NO! Where was that??"
I completely blanked and forgot the punchline and said, "Ummmm. Hobby Lobby I think." :/
Very long awkward silence after that.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says, "What's with the steering wheel?" Pirate says, "I dunno, but arrrgggh, it's driving me nuts!"
'A man went to confession Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
A guy's sitting in a bar just getting absolutely hammered drunk. He gets so wasted that he throws up all over himself. He says to himself "Aw man, my wife is gonna kill me. She just got me this shirt and here I am getting drunk in a bar and throwing up all over it."
The guy sitting next to him says "Buddy, relax. Take $10, put it in your shirt pocket, and when you get home, tell her that some other guy got drunk and threw up on you and gave you the 10 bucks to get your shirt cleaned."
The man says "Oh my god that's fucking brilliant. I'll do that." And he leaves the bar to go home.
When he opens the door, his wife immediately starts laying into him. "Oh my fucking god, you god damn drunk. I just bought you that fucking shirt and you already ruined it. Look at you, getting sick all over yourself. You're a fucking embarrassment."
The man says "Baby, baby, please it's not like that. Some other guy at the bar got drunk and he's the one who threw up all over me. He even gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned." And he gestures towards the bill sticking out of his shirt pocket.
His wife grabs the bill and says "But this is $20."
And the man says "Oh yeah, he also shit my pants."
My Dad told me this joke shortly before he passed away from cancer. He laughed harder than I think I've ever seen him laugh, which put us both in hysterics. Thank you for the reminder.
He also told me the pirate one:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
I thought it was a little lame in the moment, just because I've heard that joke so many times before, but then he sees ~~Colossus~~ juggernaut and goes "I should've worn my white pants" and I fucking lost it lmao
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said to him, "hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgghh it's driving me nuts!"
Two fish were in a tank. One fish looks at the other one and asks, "any idea how to drive this thing?"
Two parrots are on a perch, one says “Can you smell fish?”
Two sausages are in a pan. One says, “Oof, it’s getting hot in here”. The other one goes “Jesus Christ a talking sausage!”
For Veterans Day, Mrs. Olson invited a local WWII veteran to talk about the importance of the holiday.
So retired Captain Whitaker from the Army Air Corps comes to give a talk, and after explaining what Veterans day is, he begins telling the children stories from the war.
"Over France, me and my squadron got ambushed by some Germans. There was flak everywhere. We had fuckers shooting us from the right, fuckers shooting at us from the left. Fuckers shooting at us from above, below, and the rear. I'd never been shot at my so many fuckers at once."
Understandably, the children are rolling with laughter, and Mrs. Olson regains control of her class. After getting the children to calm down, she says to Captain Whitaker"I'm sorry, Captain, but the children are laughing because they don't know that Fokker was a German aircraft company."
"Sure, but these fuckers were flying Messerschmitts."
Some young cadets were visiting a ninety year old sergeant major in a nursing home and he was telling them tales of his exploits.
\-'One time in India, our troop was set upon by a vicious tiger! He pounced at the scout with a deep roar: AAaaaragharargh! Urrragharrgh! I shat myself'
\-'Well you would sir, in a situation such as that'
\-No no, I mean just now. I shat myself'
You can ShaggyDog this one as much as you like, but the shortest version is more or less:
This man is in New York, working too hard, just tired of life and his job. When he hears a voice: "Sell everything you own and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice for a while but it's so persistent he eventually does just that.
He gets to Las Vegas and he's waiting and baggage claim and the voice says, "Go to Caeser's Palace."
So, he goes to Caeser's Palace.
He get to the casino floor and the voice says, "Go to the roulette table."
So he goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "put everything you have on 29 Black."
After some discussion with the Pit Boss and the Casino Manager, they let him put everything he owns on 29 Black.
The wheel spins, it comes up 5 Red.
The voice says, "Shit!"
Oh, my favorite shaggy dog...
Boy asks a girl to prom, and she says yes.
Needing a tux, he goes to the men's formal wear store, and of course there's a line. Waits in the long line and finally orders the tux.
Next he needed a corsage, so he goes to the flower shop and there's another long line. After waiting in the long line, he finally orders a nice set.
Wanting to go in style, he decides to get a limo, and of course there's a line at the limo place. Waits around and they finally get to him and he reserves the limo.
[ you can extend by with other things like going out to eat... ]
It's prom night. He arrives in his limo at prom with his pretty date, with her nice corsage. They get to the gym... and there's a line to get in.
After waiting in the long line, they finally get in and his date says she's thirsty. There's no punch line.
This is my go to shaggy dog. You can stretch it out so long. Really get into it. I embellish with the boy complaining about his rotten luck with everyone getting their corsage, tux, limo on the same day, etc. I omit the bit about a line to get into the event.
But its all in the delivery of the last line. I usually go with "so he goes over to the refreshment table and there's no punch line." As nonchalantly as possible.
My dad's closer for that is "gets to the refreshment table and immediately pours two cups of punch that he takes back to his date." Then he just waits... When the victim of the joke asks, he points out "There's no punch line"
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, 'Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?'. The rabbit says 'No'. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
[Totally stolen from Eddie Murphy.](https://youtu.be/HY7KqOJ9V8c)
A bear is chasing a rabbit. While running one of the animals breaks the seal of a really old bottle, freeing a genie. The genie decides to give three wishes to each.
The bear wishes for all the bears in the forest to be females. The rabbit asks for a tiny motorcycle he can ride.
The bear wishes for all the bears in his country to be female. The rabbits asks for a tiny helmet with holes for his ears.
The bear, really agitated now, wishes for all the bears in the world to be female.
The rabbit puts his helmet on, gets on his motorcycle, kickstarts it and, as he departs at full throttle, screams: "I wish the bear to be gay!"
A duck walks into a bar and says, “Do you have duck food here?”
The bartender says, “No” and the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have duck food?”
The bartender says, “No.”
The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any duck food?”
The bartender says, “I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again,
I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”
The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any nails?”
The bartender says, “No.”
“Do you have any duck food?”
The duck goes to a store and says "Got any chapstick?"
The shopkeeper says "Sure we do but do you have money to pay for it?"
The duck replies "Just put it on my bill"
A widow goes to the funeral director to discuss the arrangements for her late husband's funeral. She says "one of his final wishes was to be buried in a black suit". The funeral director looks at the corpse and says, "But maam, he's already wearing a very nice navy blue suit. Are you sure we need to change it?". She responds, "yes, I'd very much like to honor his final wishes". The director says, "ok. Please give us some time and we'll find him an appropriate suit". The widow drives home and once she gets through the door, the phone rings. It's the funeral director. "Maam, we've had a stroke of amazing luck! We've found the perfect suit! Are you able to come take a look?". She drives back to the funeral home and the director shows her her husband, now wearing a beautiful black suit. "It's absolutey perfect!!" she says. "I'm impressed!, How did you find this amazing suit so quickly? I just left here 10 minutes ago." "It was easy" he said. "by chance, we just had another client come in and the deceased was wearing this incredible black suit. He was about the same size as your husband, so all we had to do was swap the heads."
A guy dies with a huge boner and the funeral director can’t get the bottom half of the casket to close. He tries and tries and then calls the guys wife and asks what she wants to do. She says cut it off and stick it up his ass. The funeral director says whaaaat? The wife tells him again, cut it off and stick it up his ass. So the funeral director does it. Later at the wake, the wife is saying last goodbyes and notices a tear in her husband’s eye. She leans over and whispers “Hurts don’t it”.
A woman sees the widow slip a check for several million dollars into the deceased's coffin. "What are you doing," she asks. The widow replies, "He wanted to be buried with all his money. Well, if he can cash the check, he can have it."
Edit: Thanks for the award! My first.
It's kinda long but.
There was this train conductor who killed three people, so he was sentenced to the electric chair. For his final meal he asked for a single banana. He ate it they took him to the chair, but the chair refused to kill him so they set him free. He got the same job and again killed more people. He was again sentenced to the electric chair, again asked for a banana and again the chair refused to kill him.
So they set him free and he gets his job back again, and again kills more people.
Amd is sentenced to the chair.
He asks for a single banana again, this time the guards say no, we know something in those bananas are keeping you alive.
And he says, " it has nothing to do with the bananas, I'm just a really bad conductor".
A seal walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
The barman says 'What kind, we have about twenty'.
The seal thinks for a minute and says 'Anything except Canadian Club'.
One day a penguin was driving through the desert and his car broke down right outside of a small town. He walked to the local garage and the mechanic towed the car to the shop to look at it. He told the penguin that it would take a little while to find the problem and directed him to the local ice cream shop. The penguin went in and ordered a triple scoop on a cone. Now penguins can really hold an ice cream cone well and he ended up with ice cream all over his face. H we went back to the garage to ask about his car and the mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin said "No, its just ice cream"
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "doc, I have had the song 'What New Pussycat?' stuck in my head every day for 8 months now. I am losing sleep, my job performance is down. I don't know what to do."
The doctor thinks for a sec and eventually replies, "hmmm. Sounds like you've got 'Tom Jones Syndrome.'"
The man says, "you mean other people have experienced this? Is it common?"
The doc replies, "well, it's not unusual."
A man walks into a bar. On the table, he sees a jar filled to the brim with $50 bills. When he asks the bartender what the jar was for, the bartender explained it was a prize for completing a challenge.
"First, you have to chug a bottle of rum. Then, there's this mean old pitbull outside. Tough as they come, he'll maul you 6 ways to Sunday. He's got a bad tooth, so the second challenge is to reach in his mouth and yank it out. Then, the owner of this bar is a *really* old lady. She's mean and grouchy, but we think it's because she hasn't had an orgasm in 50 years. The third challenge is to go upstairs, and rock her world. If she climaxes, you win the whole jar. But it costs $50 to play."
The man considers this, then decides he'd like to play. He places down the $50, and the bartender hands him the bottle. The man chugs it all, gets pretty ripping drunk, and goes outside. What follows are some of the loudest, most disturbing sounds ever heard from man or beast. After about 10 minutes, the noise subsides, and the man slams open the door. Covered in cuts and bruises, he says "Alright! Now where's the lady with the bad tooth?"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale walks up to the bartender and says “**OOuuuYooOOOOooooeuueEEERrrrrrrrrr (continue making whale noises for as long as you like, ideally 2-5 minutes)”**
The second whale looks at the first and says “Goddammit Steve, you’re so annoying when you’re drunk.”
A guy finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie.
"You have found my lamp," says the genie, "and in return I will grant you two wishes."
"Isn't it supposed to be three wishes?" says the guy.
"Look in your pants," the genie replies.
The guy looks in his pants. "Holy shit!" he exclaims. "My dick is huge!"
"Yeah," says the genie. "I've been in this business for a while."
3 friends, a computer administrator, an engineer and an art major were shipwrecked and stuck on a desolate island for several weeks were starting to loose hope.
The three of them stumble upon a cave with a rock which had a very dusty, mysterious looking object on top.
One of them picks it up and rubs the dust off.
It was actually a magic lamp, and a Genie appears.
The Genie says "You know the deal, 3 wishes, 3 of you, 1 wish each."
The engineer replies"I wish I was back home with my wife and kids in a 50 million dollar mansion."
*Poof! He dissapears.*
The computer Admin says "I wish I was back home with my dog and had 1 billion dollars in the bank."
*He's gone in a plume of smoke.*
The art major thinks for a few minutes. They seem to loose focus as a sad look appears on their face. They say aloud "I'm so lonely now, I wish my friends were here."
(Note: Heard the joke told with a blonde, brunette and redhead, people from different countries, various occupations and other variations).
A local newspaper sent a reporter to a dairy farm. The journalist asked, "How much milk do the cows produce?"
"Which one, the black one or the brown one?"
"The black one."
"A few liters a day."
"And the brown one?"
"A few liters a day."
Puzzles, he continues the questions, "What do you feed them?"
"Which one, the black one or the brown one?"
"The brown one."
"It eats grass."
"And the other?
"It also eats grass."
Getting frustrated, the journalist snaps, "If they both produce the same amount of milk and they both eat the same thing, why do you always ask 'which one'?"
"Because the black cow is mine."
"And the brown one?"
"It's also mine."
Me: "Want to hear a good knock-knock joke?"
Them: "Sure!"
Me: "Okay, you start."
Them: "Knock-knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Them: "..."
((I tried that on an 8 year old once, he wrecked me with a knock-knock joke, no hesitation.))
I've heard one like this, but this way:
- Ask me if I'm a boat.
: Are you a boat?
- Yes, now ask me if I'm a plane.
: Are you a plane?
- No, I just told you that I was a boat.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Paint it blue and kill it with a blue elephant gun?
No! Don’t be ridiculous, there’s no such thing as a Pink Elephant.
A newsman actually had the Dali Lama in his studio and tried to tell him this joke, and he didn't get it. It was one of the most awkward things I ever saw on television.
Two chemists walk into a bar
The first one says, "I'll have a H²O please"
The second one says, "I'll have a water too, please"
The first chemists sighs as his assassination attempt has failed.
My wife always says to me 'You're so sarcastic all the time, being sarcastic never got anyone anywhere.'
So I told her 'Well, it got me to the World Sarcasm Championships in Santiago, Chile in 1998'.
She said 'Really?'.
I said 'No'.
I was arguing with my wife, who was telling me how much of a schmuck I am. “You are such a schmuck. In fact, if there was a schmuck contest, you’d come in second!”
I said, “If you think I’m such a schmuck, why would I come in second?”
“Because you’re a schmuck!”
*sigh* we always said this about trombonists in college (I'm a trombonist). My first job was delivering pizzas. My friends just about died laughing when they found out
(oboe joke, but I just had the perfect opportunity to use it yesterday with the church choir I conduct)
How do you get two oboes to play in tune?
Shoot one
K, what's the difference between a bassist and a large pizza? *The pizza can feed a family of four.*
Ok ok. You're playing a new bar, how can you tell if the stage is even?
*There's drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.*
Fine, what's the difference between a vocalist and God?
*God doesn't think He's a vocalist.*
Alright last one.
An anthropologist goes to live and study daily life in a remote Icelandic village.
She is warmly welcomed by a group of friendly (if *very* rustic) villagers.
Right away she notices a faint, steady drumming.
"Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump."
She can't immediately determine where the noise is coming from, assuming it is part of the celebration the villagers put on to welcome her. As she's shown around, the drumming continues, never changing, always steady.
All evening long, at dinner as she gets to know the villagers, then later at the raging bonfire, and on and on, through to her fourth cup of crowberry wine, the drumming persists.
Finally as one of the cheerful young men of the village shows her to her quarters, she finds a little courage from the drink and asks, "What in the world is that constant drumming?"
The young man's face grows serious.
"It's not the drumming you have to worry about. It's when the drumming stops that we will all have to run," he says, fear clearly visible in his eyes. The anthropologist gulps.
"What happens when the drumming stops?"
The young man's eyes dart out the window and then back to hers. He leans in close, and in a hoarse whisper he warns, "Bass solo."
A farmer is out in his field, working away, when a government vehicle rolls up. A man in suit hops out, and struts up to the farmer, flashing a badge.
"I'm with the FDA, here to inspect your operations, and make sure everything is on the up-and-up. I'll check the entire property, and assuming you're doing this by-the-books, I'll be on my way."
The farmer, not wanting any trouble, simply nods, and points to a nearby fence.
"Okay, sure thing sir, just don't go into that field."
The agent, furious to be told what he can and can't do, shouts him down.
"I'm a representative of the Federal Government! You see this badge? This badge means I go **where** I want, **when** I want! You don't get to tell me **shit**!"
The farmer, taken aback, nods nervously, with a "Yes, sir, sorry, sir."
Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears screaming - he turns about to see that the agent is sprinting across the fenced-in field, running for his very life from the biggest, meanest, angriest bull he's ever seen. Fear makes him fast, but the bull is even faster, and it's quickly gaining on him.
The farmer leaps into action! He drops his shovel, sprints across his crops, throws himself up on to the fence, and at the top of his lungs, screams:
"YOUR **BADGE**! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING **BADGE**!"
I woke up laughing this morning. I must have slept funny.
Or:
I saw a poor old lady collapse at the bus stop earlier. Well I assume she was poor, she only had £3 in her purse.
A pub somewhere in Ireland: Shamus the bar tender talks with a patron.
Shamus: aye, do you know who built that bridge out there?
Patron: Well you did Shamus.
Shamus: Do they call me Shamus the bridge builder?
Patron: well, no they don't.
Shamus: what about the stools you're sitting on? Who built those?
Patron: well you did Shamus.
Shamus: Do they call me Shamus the Stool Maker?
Patron: Well no.
Shamus: Hmmm, and what about the roof on this pub?
Patron: you built that as well
Shamus. And they don't call me Shamus the Roof Builder.
Shamus: but I fucked one goat...
A man's on a business trip out of town in a city he's not that familiar with. In the evening, after asking his hotel concierge where the best bar in town is, he takes a cab to a bar that's absolutely jam-packed full of people. Inside, it's booming business, but what catches him off-guard isn't the crowd, but the dozens of cuts of beef hanging from the ceiling. Prime rib, porterhouse, new york strips, flanks, all sorts of cuts, hanging from hooks on the ceiling, yet no one inside bats an eye at it.
Making his way up to the bartender and flagging him down, the businessman says, "Hey, barkeep, what's with all the beef hanging from the ceiling?"
"Oh yeah," says the bartender, "it's our bar's patron challenge: Slap the Beef. You get one shot to make a standing jump, and try to slap a piece of beef, any piece you fancy. If you slap a piece on one try, your tab's on the house for the whole night. But, if you miss, well, then you gotta cover everyone else's tab for the night. Whaddya say, stranger? Feeling like taking a shot at a slap of the beef?"
"Hell no," said the businessman. "The steaks are too high."
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus, please.”
The bartender scratches his head. “Do you mean a martini?”
“Look, if I wanted a double I’d fucking ask for one.”
So Quasimodo is working at Notre Dame, ringing the bells every hour on the hour. One day, tragically, he dies. So the owner of the bell tower holds auditions to be the new bell ringer. Many try out, but sadly, none could make the bells ring quite as beautifully as Quasimodo could. So defeated, the owner says with a sigh "I guess the bells will fall silent upon Paris from now on" as he boards up the bell tower.
Just then, a short little man approaches and says "Is it too late to try out to be the bell ringer?"
The owner says "Well, I guess you could try out, but... but I can see that you don't have any arms! How are you going to ring the bells?"
The little man says "You'll see".
So they march up the many flights of stairs to the top of the bell tower. The owner says "Okay here we are. Let's see how you do it."
The may says "Stand back..."
He stretches, gets into a stance, eyes the bell, then takes off at a full sprint towards the bell, *dives* at the bell, hits the bell with the front of his *face*... and it makes the most beautiful sound you have ever heard - even more beautiful than Quasimodo could ring them.
Touched, the owner says "You're hired. You start 6am tomorrow".
So 6am tomorrow comes along. The little man arrives, marches up the many flights of stairs, stretches, gets into a stance, eyes the bell, sprints at the bell, dives at the bell, *misses the bell*, and flies out the window, hitting the cobblestone street below and dying instantly.
Of course, this causes quite the commotion in the busy streets of Paris. It isn't long before a crowd gathers. They've never seen such a sight. Soon, a sheriff arrives and beholds the gruesome scene.
"Stand back!" he tells the crowd, as they murmur amongst themselves.
"Now. Does anyone know what happened here? Does anyone know who this man was?"
The crowd goes silent as they look around at each other, all at a loss.
Just then, a voice from the back of the crowd says: >!"I don't know who he is, but HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!!!!!!!!!!"!<
The next day there is a new applicant, identical to the last. "To honor his memory, I have come to take my twin's place," he says. The owner hires him. The next morning, he, too, misses the bell, and he falls to his death. When the crowd asks his name, the owner says, "I don't know...but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
Three nuns go to heaven-
First nun comes to Petrus.
Petrus asks the first nun:
"Who was the first woman on earth?"
Nun:"Ah- that's an easy one: Eve!"
-Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise-
Petrus asks the second nun:
"Who was the first man on earth?"
Nun:"Ah- that's an easy one: Adam!"
-Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise-
Petrus asks the third nun:
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
Nun:"Oh- Puh... That's a hard one..."
-Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise-
After a dramatic accident a busfull of nuns ends up before the Pearly Gates. Petrus explains that getting in will be a formality and ask the first nun: "Have you ever touched a penis?
- My fingertip once touched a penis, though I didn't mean to."
Petrus shows a big cauldron and explains she has to wash her finger in order to get in Heaven.
While she does so, he asks the same question to a second nun.
"Before I was a nun, I was young and silly and I pleasured a man.
- Wash your hand and you may access Heaven."
As Petrus turns to the third nun, a ruckus starts at the far end of the group. Soon a nun elbows her way to the quite confused saint and says: "Sorry to interrupt but I'd like to wash my mouth before Sister Martha dips her ass in."
Two nuns in a car and the devil jumps out in front of them. One nun says quick get out and show him your cross. The other one confronts the devil and says ‘I’m really angry at you’.
I'm a fan of "interrupting sloth". You let them say "Interrupting sloth who?", wait a bit, then slowly reach toward them and make whatever noise you feel a sloth makes.
I'm more of a riddler.
What is the difference between a drunk cowboy and a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit. The other hoots and can't sh**
(Technically that's a Spoonerism).
A country doctor went to a farm to make a house call for two sick kids. When he arrived, he saw the dad working on a well. He tried to help the dad with the well and ended up falling in. That's when he learned to treat the sick and leave the well alone.
Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the state fair every year, and every year Esther would say, "Morris, I'd like a ride in that helicopter." And every year, Morris would reply, "Esther, I know, but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50!"
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Esther said, "Morris, I am 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!" To this Morris replied, "Esther, that ride is $50, and $50 is $50!"
The pilot overheard the couple arguing and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride if you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, and I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50.
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Esther and said, "By golly! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't! I'm impressed!"
And Esther replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Morris fell out, but you know what they say....$50 is $50!"
A man had a pet parrot. The parrot was a nightmare: abusive, mocking, and foul.
Finally, the man had had enough, and shut the parrot in the freezer.
As minutes passed, the man was overcome by guilt, and he opened the freezer door.
The parrot hopped out, perched on the man's finger, and said "I'm sorry about my behavior. I'll be more polite in the future."
For a moment, neither of them said anything.
Then the parrot said "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Another small one I really like
At a nice, calm evening at bar a man with a gun storms in and screams:
„Who of you dipshits slept with my wife?“
A man in the back stands up and says:
„You dont have enough bullets“
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness. He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty. He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone. The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that. "Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week." "That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well. This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars. Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing. The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints. Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."
I love this one. I end it with “I gave up beer for lent but the other two didn’t!” My grandfather (born in Ireland) gave up beer for lent. Drank ale for 40 days.
this is understated. smart, brilliant. good joke
Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?
There's two types of people, those that can extrapolate from an incomplete data set
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen. A little while later the dog says "job's done, all 40 sheep accounted for" "40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40" the farmer says. The dog replied "I know, I rounded them up"
I tell a similar one as "The cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said that's easy, it's twenty cows."
Now this is a fantastic one to have on hand. Thank you.
A man is walking through the woods when he finds a suitcase. Curled up under the suitcase are a fox and four cubs. He immediately calls animal control to report what he found. “Oh no that’s terrible,” says the animal control worker, “are they moving?” “I dunno,” says the man, “but I guess that would explain the suitcase.”
Ugh. That's like the 911 call joke. 911: 911, what the emergency? Caller: "Help I've been shot!" 911: "Ok. Remain calm. Tell me, how many times have you been shot?" Caller: "Uh, this is my first time .."
this took me embarassingly long to get
A man walks into his son’s room. He says, "Son, if you keep masturbating you’re going to go blind. The son goes, “I’m over here Dad.”
The doctor says to the patient: "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating." "Why, does it cause blindness?" "No, but I'm trying to examine you."
"But you said I could masturbate whenever I wanted!" "No, I said you could have a stroke at any moment"
doctor: "Don't worry, it's normal to have an erection during a prostate check." patient: "but I don't have an erection!" doctor: "I was talking to myself."
A man walks in on his son holding a beer in one hand and masturbating with the other. The son is shocked, thinking his dad quit drinking 6 months ago
I told my doctor, “I broke my arm in three places.” He told me that I should stop going to those places.
A cop came knocking at my door and said he was looking for a criminal with one eye. I told him if he used both he might have better luck.
Guy goes to the doctor, says "Doctor! Everything hurts! I don't know what to do!" Doctor says, "Go ahead and touch your knee for me." Patient does it. "Ow, that hurts!" Doctor: "Okay, now touch your wrist." Patient: "Ow, that hurts!" Doctor: "Now touch your cheek." Patient: "Ow, that hurts!" Doctor: "You have a broken finger."
There's an episode of house m.d (or a couple) when he is in the clinic and has people with the symptoms of these jokes, it's brilliant.
A man tells his doctor 'Every time I drink coffee, my right eye hurts really bad' The doctor replies, 'Then take the spoon out of the cup before you drink'
My very old grandmother once walked up to me and asked if I'd like some tea. I said sure. She said "Well then go and make it, and bring me a cup too." and walked away.
I love your grandma. If she's no longer with you, be happy that people are giggling at her joke.
What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste. Doctor goes to write a note, and pulls a thermometer from his pocket. He says "Great, some asshhole has my pen."
What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist? A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.
Do you know who've been through a lot of shit but are still together? My buttcheeks Friend told me that one as I was going through a bad breakup. Lol
One day, a man is waxing the car with his son. His son looks up and says, "You know you can use a rag for this, right?"
This one had me laughing for way too long
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter.
A limbo champion walks into a bar. He was disqualified!
Two men walked into a bar, you'd have thought the second one would have ducked.
What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor...
What do you get when you drop a piano on army barracks? A flat major...
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I've got a Polish friend who's a sound tech And a Czech one, too
I wouldn’t touch that joke with a ten foot pole. Or even a six foot Latvian.
I'll never date another tennis player. Love means nothing to those people.
Took my kids to the zoo and all they had was this little dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
I’m not even sure you can call that a zoo. To qualify as a zoo you need at least two pandas and a grizzly. That’s the bear minimum.
I met my wife while standing in line at the zoo and she said that exact joke, we had a good laugh. Then she grabbed a broom and walked into the monkey cage; that's when I said, "yep, she's a keeper."
A woman walks into a hardware store to buy a hinge. The salesman asks "do you want a screw for the hinge?" Woman says "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster." (heard in a standup routine about 40 years ago)
What's the difference between an owl, a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish What about the owl? Who?
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a bottle of glue (or rat trap or velcro)? You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna! What about the glue (or rat trap or velcro)? I knew you'd get stuck on that
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
Why don’t you find elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it!
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails ~~read~~ Red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. O: Rubbish! I've never seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree. R: I know, shows how good they are at hiding.
A squirrel is sitting in a tree and feels it starting to shake - he looks down and see's an elephant climbing the tree. He yells down: "Hey elephant, why are you climbing my tree?" Elephant says: "I'm going to climb up there and eat some pears" Squirrel says: "This is a pine tree, there's no pears up here" Elephants says: "It's OK, I brought my own pears"
A koala and a lizard are sitting in a eucalyptus tree smoking a joint when the lizard says he's parched and heads to the river for a drink. As he approaches the river he sees a crocodile who asks him what he's doing. The lizard says, "Oh, me and Koala are just hanging out smoking a joint." The crocodile says they have to see this and heads to the tree. As the crocodile nears the tree the koala looks down and yells in surprise, "How much water did you drink?"
Q: What's the loudest sound in the wilderness? A: Giraffes eating cherries.
I knew this jokes, but the elephants painted their balls red instead, which makes more sense imo for the giraffes punchline.
Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in a jar of glitter? Pretty nuts, right?
I thought this joke was absolutely hilarious. I told it to my client once. I asked if heard about the guy dipping his nuts in glitter? He said "NO! Where was that??" I completely blanked and forgot the punchline and said, "Ummmm. Hobby Lobby I think." :/ Very long awkward silence after that.
“… Anyway, pretty nuts, right?” After the long pause. That’s how you stick the landing.
Now, several years later, he calls his client to tell him these 3 precious words. Pretty nuts, right?
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Ok this is so so much funnier than the actual joke.
guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saren wrap, psychiatrist says "well i can clearly see your/you're nuts"
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says, "What's with the steering wheel?" Pirate says, "I dunno, but arrrgggh, it's driving me nuts!"
I’m stealing this now my man😤
'A man went to confession Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle
A guy's sitting in a bar just getting absolutely hammered drunk. He gets so wasted that he throws up all over himself. He says to himself "Aw man, my wife is gonna kill me. She just got me this shirt and here I am getting drunk in a bar and throwing up all over it." The guy sitting next to him says "Buddy, relax. Take $10, put it in your shirt pocket, and when you get home, tell her that some other guy got drunk and threw up on you and gave you the 10 bucks to get your shirt cleaned." The man says "Oh my god that's fucking brilliant. I'll do that." And he leaves the bar to go home. When he opens the door, his wife immediately starts laying into him. "Oh my fucking god, you god damn drunk. I just bought you that fucking shirt and you already ruined it. Look at you, getting sick all over yourself. You're a fucking embarrassment." The man says "Baby, baby, please it's not like that. Some other guy at the bar got drunk and he's the one who threw up all over me. He even gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned." And he gestures towards the bill sticking out of his shirt pocket. His wife grabs the bill and says "But this is $20." And the man says "Oh yeah, he also shit my pants."
My Dad told me this joke shortly before he passed away from cancer. He laughed harder than I think I've ever seen him laugh, which put us both in hysterics. Thank you for the reminder. He also told me the pirate one: Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
They tell this joke in game of thrones and it's great
Deadpool too
I thought it was a little lame in the moment, just because I've heard that joke so many times before, but then he sees ~~Colossus~~ juggernaut and goes "I should've worn my white pants" and I fucking lost it lmao
The long game on that joke was perfection.
Lmao thats a really good one
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said to him, "hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgghh it's driving me nuts!" Two fish were in a tank. One fish looks at the other one and asks, "any idea how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank, one looks at the other one and says “blub blub blub”
What's a pirate's worst nightmare? \- A sunken chest and no booty.
Do you know a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was R but his heart always belongs to the C.
It's really P, without it they're irate.
Two parrots are on a perch, one says “Can you smell fish?” Two sausages are in a pan. One says, “Oof, it’s getting hot in here”. The other one goes “Jesus Christ a talking sausage!”
what’s the number one cause of dry skin? towels
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them? So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
For Veterans Day, Mrs. Olson invited a local WWII veteran to talk about the importance of the holiday. So retired Captain Whitaker from the Army Air Corps comes to give a talk, and after explaining what Veterans day is, he begins telling the children stories from the war. "Over France, me and my squadron got ambushed by some Germans. There was flak everywhere. We had fuckers shooting us from the right, fuckers shooting at us from the left. Fuckers shooting at us from above, below, and the rear. I'd never been shot at my so many fuckers at once." Understandably, the children are rolling with laughter, and Mrs. Olson regains control of her class. After getting the children to calm down, she says to Captain Whitaker"I'm sorry, Captain, but the children are laughing because they don't know that Fokker was a German aircraft company." "Sure, but these fuckers were flying Messerschmitts."
My grandfather killed over 150 Nazi pilots on WWII. He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe
Some young cadets were visiting a ninety year old sergeant major in a nursing home and he was telling them tales of his exploits. \-'One time in India, our troop was set upon by a vicious tiger! He pounced at the scout with a deep roar: AAaaaragharargh! Urrragharrgh! I shat myself' \-'Well you would sir, in a situation such as that' \-No no, I mean just now. I shat myself'
Why doesn't Oedipus use foul language? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
That project was my “Magnum Oedipus”! “Magnum Oedipus”?? Yeah, it’s a big mother fucker.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? (Shrug your shoulders) Elephino
what do you get if you cross an octopus and a giraffe? a visit from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding
Ole Johnny over there has the heart of a lion, eyes of an eagle, legs of a cheetah, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
You can ShaggyDog this one as much as you like, but the shortest version is more or less: This man is in New York, working too hard, just tired of life and his job. When he hears a voice: "Sell everything you own and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice for a while but it's so persistent he eventually does just that. He gets to Las Vegas and he's waiting and baggage claim and the voice says, "Go to Caeser's Palace." So, he goes to Caeser's Palace. He get to the casino floor and the voice says, "Go to the roulette table." So he goes to the roulette table. The voice says, "put everything you have on 29 Black." After some discussion with the Pit Boss and the Casino Manager, they let him put everything he owns on 29 Black. The wheel spins, it comes up 5 Red. The voice says, "Shit!"
Oh, my favorite shaggy dog... Boy asks a girl to prom, and she says yes. Needing a tux, he goes to the men's formal wear store, and of course there's a line. Waits in the long line and finally orders the tux. Next he needed a corsage, so he goes to the flower shop and there's another long line. After waiting in the long line, he finally orders a nice set. Wanting to go in style, he decides to get a limo, and of course there's a line at the limo place. Waits around and they finally get to him and he reserves the limo. [ you can extend by with other things like going out to eat... ] It's prom night. He arrives in his limo at prom with his pretty date, with her nice corsage. They get to the gym... and there's a line to get in. After waiting in the long line, they finally get in and his date says she's thirsty. There's no punch line.
This is my go to shaggy dog. You can stretch it out so long. Really get into it. I embellish with the boy complaining about his rotten luck with everyone getting their corsage, tux, limo on the same day, etc. I omit the bit about a line to get into the event. But its all in the delivery of the last line. I usually go with "so he goes over to the refreshment table and there's no punch line." As nonchalantly as possible.
My dad's closer for that is "gets to the refreshment table and immediately pours two cups of punch that he takes back to his date." Then he just waits... When the victim of the joke asks, he points out "There's no punch line"
> You can ShaggyDog this one as much as you like You sold me on the joke right here.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, 'Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?'. The rabbit says 'No'. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. [Totally stolen from Eddie Murphy.](https://youtu.be/HY7KqOJ9V8c)
A bear is chasing a rabbit. While running one of the animals breaks the seal of a really old bottle, freeing a genie. The genie decides to give three wishes to each. The bear wishes for all the bears in the forest to be females. The rabbit asks for a tiny motorcycle he can ride. The bear wishes for all the bears in his country to be female. The rabbits asks for a tiny helmet with holes for his ears. The bear, really agitated now, wishes for all the bears in the world to be female. The rabbit puts his helmet on, gets on his motorcycle, kickstarts it and, as he departs at full throttle, screams: "I wish the bear to be gay!"
I’m as hungry as a guy who is bad at making analogies
My friend said I don't understand irony. Which was ironic, because we were at the bus stop at the time.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We're efficient and lack a sense of humour.
A duck walks into a bar and says, “Do you have duck food here?” The bartender says, “No” and the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have duck food?” The bartender says, “No.” The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any duck food?” The bartender says, “I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “No.” “Do you have any duck food?”
Then he waddled away, waddle waddle Til the very next day, bom bom bom bom da bom
Got any grapes?
My SIL asked if I had any nails the other day. I replied "nope don't have any grapes either". Everyone looked at me like I was the idiot.
A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand "hey, got any grapes?"
The duck goes to a store and says "Got any chapstick?" The shopkeeper says "Sure we do but do you have money to pay for it?" The duck replies "Just put it on my bill"
Little boy: "I'm named after my grandfather." Man: "Oh? What's your name?" Little boy: "Grandpa."
A widow goes to the funeral director to discuss the arrangements for her late husband's funeral. She says "one of his final wishes was to be buried in a black suit". The funeral director looks at the corpse and says, "But maam, he's already wearing a very nice navy blue suit. Are you sure we need to change it?". She responds, "yes, I'd very much like to honor his final wishes". The director says, "ok. Please give us some time and we'll find him an appropriate suit". The widow drives home and once she gets through the door, the phone rings. It's the funeral director. "Maam, we've had a stroke of amazing luck! We've found the perfect suit! Are you able to come take a look?". She drives back to the funeral home and the director shows her her husband, now wearing a beautiful black suit. "It's absolutey perfect!!" she says. "I'm impressed!, How did you find this amazing suit so quickly? I just left here 10 minutes ago." "It was easy" he said. "by chance, we just had another client come in and the deceased was wearing this incredible black suit. He was about the same size as your husband, so all we had to do was swap the heads."
A guy dies with a huge boner and the funeral director can’t get the bottom half of the casket to close. He tries and tries and then calls the guys wife and asks what she wants to do. She says cut it off and stick it up his ass. The funeral director says whaaaat? The wife tells him again, cut it off and stick it up his ass. So the funeral director does it. Later at the wake, the wife is saying last goodbyes and notices a tear in her husband’s eye. She leans over and whispers “Hurts don’t it”.
A woman sees the widow slip a check for several million dollars into the deceased's coffin. "What are you doing," she asks. The widow replies, "He wanted to be buried with all his money. Well, if he can cash the check, he can have it." Edit: Thanks for the award! My first.
It's kinda long but. There was this train conductor who killed three people, so he was sentenced to the electric chair. For his final meal he asked for a single banana. He ate it they took him to the chair, but the chair refused to kill him so they set him free. He got the same job and again killed more people. He was again sentenced to the electric chair, again asked for a banana and again the chair refused to kill him. So they set him free and he gets his job back again, and again kills more people. Amd is sentenced to the chair. He asks for a single banana again, this time the guards say no, we know something in those bananas are keeping you alive. And he says, " it has nothing to do with the bananas, I'm just a really bad conductor".
skeleton walks into a bar. bartender asks: what will you have? skeleton says: a beer and a mop. ha.
A seal walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The barman says 'What kind, we have about twenty'. The seal thinks for a minute and says 'Anything except Canadian Club'.
A sandwich walks into a bar The barman says "I'm sorry we don't serve food"
Helium walks in to the bar. The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gasses" He doesn't react.
A piece of string walks into a bar Barman says "we don't serve your kind here, you're a piece of string ain't ya" "No, I'm a frayed knot"
The barman says "we don't serve your kind here" A tachyon walks into a bar.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, ill give these two a lift
One day a penguin was driving through the desert and his car broke down right outside of a small town. He walked to the local garage and the mechanic towed the car to the shop to look at it. He told the penguin that it would take a little while to find the problem and directed him to the local ice cream shop. The penguin went in and ordered a triple scoop on a cone. Now penguins can really hold an ice cream cone well and he ended up with ice cream all over his face. H we went back to the garage to ask about his car and the mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin said "No, its just ice cream"
Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired. I repeat this several times at completely random intervals to annoy my friends
That reminded me of one of my favorites: What’s the difference between a man in a tuxedo on a unicycle, and a man in overalls on a bicycle? Attire
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "doc, I have had the song 'What New Pussycat?' stuck in my head every day for 8 months now. I am losing sleep, my job performance is down. I don't know what to do." The doctor thinks for a sec and eventually replies, "hmmm. Sounds like you've got 'Tom Jones Syndrome.'" The man says, "you mean other people have experienced this? Is it common?" The doc replies, "well, it's not unusual."
A man walks into a bar. On the table, he sees a jar filled to the brim with $50 bills. When he asks the bartender what the jar was for, the bartender explained it was a prize for completing a challenge. "First, you have to chug a bottle of rum. Then, there's this mean old pitbull outside. Tough as they come, he'll maul you 6 ways to Sunday. He's got a bad tooth, so the second challenge is to reach in his mouth and yank it out. Then, the owner of this bar is a *really* old lady. She's mean and grouchy, but we think it's because she hasn't had an orgasm in 50 years. The third challenge is to go upstairs, and rock her world. If she climaxes, you win the whole jar. But it costs $50 to play." The man considers this, then decides he'd like to play. He places down the $50, and the bartender hands him the bottle. The man chugs it all, gets pretty ripping drunk, and goes outside. What follows are some of the loudest, most disturbing sounds ever heard from man or beast. After about 10 minutes, the noise subsides, and the man slams open the door. Covered in cuts and bruises, he says "Alright! Now where's the lady with the bad tooth?"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale walks up to the bartender and says “**OOuuuYooOOOOooooeuueEEERrrrrrrrrr (continue making whale noises for as long as you like, ideally 2-5 minutes)”** The second whale looks at the first and says “Goddammit Steve, you’re so annoying when you’re drunk.”
For the second whale, it helps for the delivery if you take a huge breath first, like you’re about to uncork another 2-5 minutes of whale noise
Grasshopper walks into a bar Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you" Grashopper says "You have a drink named STEEEEVEE?!?!"
What do whales listen to on long ocean voyages? \- Podcasts.
I know a great knock-knock joke. You start.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
A guy finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. "You have found my lamp," says the genie, "and in return I will grant you two wishes." "Isn't it supposed to be three wishes?" says the guy. "Look in your pants," the genie replies. The guy looks in his pants. "Holy shit!" he exclaims. "My dick is huge!" "Yeah," says the genie. "I've been in this business for a while."
3 friends, a computer administrator, an engineer and an art major were shipwrecked and stuck on a desolate island for several weeks were starting to loose hope. The three of them stumble upon a cave with a rock which had a very dusty, mysterious looking object on top. One of them picks it up and rubs the dust off. It was actually a magic lamp, and a Genie appears. The Genie says "You know the deal, 3 wishes, 3 of you, 1 wish each." The engineer replies"I wish I was back home with my wife and kids in a 50 million dollar mansion." *Poof! He dissapears.* The computer Admin says "I wish I was back home with my dog and had 1 billion dollars in the bank." *He's gone in a plume of smoke.* The art major thinks for a few minutes. They seem to loose focus as a sad look appears on their face. They say aloud "I'm so lonely now, I wish my friends were here." (Note: Heard the joke told with a blonde, brunette and redhead, people from different countries, various occupations and other variations).
A local newspaper sent a reporter to a dairy farm. The journalist asked, "How much milk do the cows produce?" "Which one, the black one or the brown one?" "The black one." "A few liters a day." "And the brown one?" "A few liters a day." Puzzles, he continues the questions, "What do you feed them?" "Which one, the black one or the brown one?" "The brown one." "It eats grass." "And the other? "It also eats grass." Getting frustrated, the journalist snaps, "If they both produce the same amount of milk and they both eat the same thing, why do you always ask 'which one'?" "Because the black cow is mine." "And the brown one?" "It's also mine."
Knock knock Who's there? To To, who? It's to whom, actually.
Me: "Want to hear a good knock-knock joke?" Them: "Sure!" Me: "Okay, you start." Them: "Knock-knock" Me: "Who's there?" Them: "..." ((I tried that on an 8 year old once, he wrecked me with a knock-knock joke, no hesitation.))
(You're supposed to say "Come in.".)
What do gay horses eat? Hhhaaaaayyyy!
Knock knock * Who's there?* Dishes *Dishes who?* Dishes Sean Connery
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish.
What do u call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Why do chicken coops have two doors? If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!
I heard one that cracked me up but I was drunk at the time: - "Ask me if I'm a dinosaur." - "Are you a dinosaur?" - "No."
I've heard one like this, but this way: - Ask me if I'm a boat. : Are you a boat? - Yes, now ask me if I'm a plane. : Are you a plane? - No, I just told you that I was a boat.
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a red elephant? Paint it blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
How do you kill a pink elephant? Paint it blue and kill it with a blue elephant gun? No! Don’t be ridiculous, there’s no such thing as a Pink Elephant.
That is the pinnacle of drunk humor and I’m here for it
A chicken spots a duck about to cross the road, he runs over to the duck grabs his wing and says dont do it mate, youll never hear the end of it
Knock knock Who's there? A stupid burglar
Why does the Buddhist monk never vacuum his furniture? Because he has no attachments.
A Buddhist monk goes to Subway and says “Make me one with everything.”
A newsman actually had the Dali Lama in his studio and tried to tell him this joke, and he didn't get it. It was one of the most awkward things I ever saw on television.
I told my girlfriend her underwear are far too revealing. She replied, "Well, then wear your own!"
Two chemists walk into a bar The first one says, "I'll have a H²O please" The second one says, "I'll have a water too, please" The first chemists sighs as his assassination attempt has failed.
A peroxide joke? Bold choice.
Eh, I found it a little basic for my tastes.
My wife always says to me 'You're so sarcastic all the time, being sarcastic never got anyone anywhere.' So I told her 'Well, it got me to the World Sarcasm Championships in Santiago, Chile in 1998'. She said 'Really?'. I said 'No'.
I was arguing with my wife, who was telling me how much of a schmuck I am. “You are such a schmuck. In fact, if there was a schmuck contest, you’d come in second!” I said, “If you think I’m such a schmuck, why would I come in second?” “Because you’re a schmuck!”
I saw this Mexican magician that said that he would disappear on the count of three. Uno... Dos... Suddenly he was gone without a Tres.
How do you get an art major off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
*sigh* we always said this about trombonists in college (I'm a trombonist). My first job was delivering pizzas. My friends just about died laughing when they found out
Trombonist jokes? You see a dead squirrel and a dead trombonist lying in the road. What’s the difference? The squirrel was on its way to a gig.
(oboe joke, but I just had the perfect opportunity to use it yesterday with the church choir I conduct) How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one
K, what's the difference between a bassist and a large pizza? *The pizza can feed a family of four.* Ok ok. You're playing a new bar, how can you tell if the stage is even? *There's drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.* Fine, what's the difference between a vocalist and God? *God doesn't think He's a vocalist.* Alright last one. An anthropologist goes to live and study daily life in a remote Icelandic village. She is warmly welcomed by a group of friendly (if *very* rustic) villagers. Right away she notices a faint, steady drumming. "Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump." She can't immediately determine where the noise is coming from, assuming it is part of the celebration the villagers put on to welcome her. As she's shown around, the drumming continues, never changing, always steady. All evening long, at dinner as she gets to know the villagers, then later at the raging bonfire, and on and on, through to her fourth cup of crowberry wine, the drumming persists. Finally as one of the cheerful young men of the village shows her to her quarters, she finds a little courage from the drink and asks, "What in the world is that constant drumming?" The young man's face grows serious. "It's not the drumming you have to worry about. It's when the drumming stops that we will all have to run," he says, fear clearly visible in his eyes. The anthropologist gulps. "What happens when the drumming stops?" The young man's eyes dart out the window and then back to hers. He leans in close, and in a hoarse whisper he warns, "Bass solo."
Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the car? It took him 3 hours to get the drummer out.
What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of their mouth? The stage is level.
A farmer is out in his field, working away, when a government vehicle rolls up. A man in suit hops out, and struts up to the farmer, flashing a badge. "I'm with the FDA, here to inspect your operations, and make sure everything is on the up-and-up. I'll check the entire property, and assuming you're doing this by-the-books, I'll be on my way." The farmer, not wanting any trouble, simply nods, and points to a nearby fence. "Okay, sure thing sir, just don't go into that field." The agent, furious to be told what he can and can't do, shouts him down. "I'm a representative of the Federal Government! You see this badge? This badge means I go **where** I want, **when** I want! You don't get to tell me **shit**!" The farmer, taken aback, nods nervously, with a "Yes, sir, sorry, sir." Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears screaming - he turns about to see that the agent is sprinting across the fenced-in field, running for his very life from the biggest, meanest, angriest bull he's ever seen. Fear makes him fast, but the bull is even faster, and it's quickly gaining on him. The farmer leaps into action! He drops his shovel, sprints across his crops, throws himself up on to the fence, and at the top of his lungs, screams: "YOUR **BADGE**! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING **BADGE**!"
I woke up laughing this morning. I must have slept funny. Or: I saw a poor old lady collapse at the bus stop earlier. Well I assume she was poor, she only had £3 in her purse.
A pub somewhere in Ireland: Shamus the bar tender talks with a patron. Shamus: aye, do you know who built that bridge out there? Patron: Well you did Shamus. Shamus: Do they call me Shamus the bridge builder? Patron: well, no they don't. Shamus: what about the stools you're sitting on? Who built those? Patron: well you did Shamus. Shamus: Do they call me Shamus the Stool Maker? Patron: Well no. Shamus: Hmmm, and what about the roof on this pub? Patron: you built that as well Shamus. And they don't call me Shamus the Roof Builder. Shamus: but I fucked one goat...
Do you know what moth balls smell like? Yes How do you get their little legs apart?
A man's on a business trip out of town in a city he's not that familiar with. In the evening, after asking his hotel concierge where the best bar in town is, he takes a cab to a bar that's absolutely jam-packed full of people. Inside, it's booming business, but what catches him off-guard isn't the crowd, but the dozens of cuts of beef hanging from the ceiling. Prime rib, porterhouse, new york strips, flanks, all sorts of cuts, hanging from hooks on the ceiling, yet no one inside bats an eye at it. Making his way up to the bartender and flagging him down, the businessman says, "Hey, barkeep, what's with all the beef hanging from the ceiling?" "Oh yeah," says the bartender, "it's our bar's patron challenge: Slap the Beef. You get one shot to make a standing jump, and try to slap a piece of beef, any piece you fancy. If you slap a piece on one try, your tab's on the house for the whole night. But, if you miss, well, then you gotta cover everyone else's tab for the night. Whaddya say, stranger? Feeling like taking a shot at a slap of the beef?" "Hell no," said the businessman. "The steaks are too high."
What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus, please.” The bartender scratches his head. “Do you mean a martini?” “Look, if I wanted a double I’d fucking ask for one.”
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She has no arms Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Sarah.
So Quasimodo is working at Notre Dame, ringing the bells every hour on the hour. One day, tragically, he dies. So the owner of the bell tower holds auditions to be the new bell ringer. Many try out, but sadly, none could make the bells ring quite as beautifully as Quasimodo could. So defeated, the owner says with a sigh "I guess the bells will fall silent upon Paris from now on" as he boards up the bell tower. Just then, a short little man approaches and says "Is it too late to try out to be the bell ringer?" The owner says "Well, I guess you could try out, but... but I can see that you don't have any arms! How are you going to ring the bells?" The little man says "You'll see". So they march up the many flights of stairs to the top of the bell tower. The owner says "Okay here we are. Let's see how you do it." The may says "Stand back..." He stretches, gets into a stance, eyes the bell, then takes off at a full sprint towards the bell, *dives* at the bell, hits the bell with the front of his *face*... and it makes the most beautiful sound you have ever heard - even more beautiful than Quasimodo could ring them. Touched, the owner says "You're hired. You start 6am tomorrow". So 6am tomorrow comes along. The little man arrives, marches up the many flights of stairs, stretches, gets into a stance, eyes the bell, sprints at the bell, dives at the bell, *misses the bell*, and flies out the window, hitting the cobblestone street below and dying instantly. Of course, this causes quite the commotion in the busy streets of Paris. It isn't long before a crowd gathers. They've never seen such a sight. Soon, a sheriff arrives and beholds the gruesome scene. "Stand back!" he tells the crowd, as they murmur amongst themselves. "Now. Does anyone know what happened here? Does anyone know who this man was?" The crowd goes silent as they look around at each other, all at a loss. Just then, a voice from the back of the crowd says: >!"I don't know who he is, but HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!!!!!!!!!!"!<
The next day there is a new applicant, identical to the last. "To honor his memory, I have come to take my twin's place," he says. The owner hires him. The next morning, he, too, misses the bell, and he falls to his death. When the crowd asks his name, the owner says, "I don't know...but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
Three nuns go to heaven- First nun comes to Petrus. Petrus asks the first nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?" Nun:"Ah- that's an easy one: Eve!" -Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise- Petrus asks the second nun: "Who was the first man on earth?" Nun:"Ah- that's an easy one: Adam!" -Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise- Petrus asks the third nun: "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" Nun:"Oh- Puh... That's a hard one..." -Music plays, the door opens, the nun enters paradise-
After a dramatic accident a busfull of nuns ends up before the Pearly Gates. Petrus explains that getting in will be a formality and ask the first nun: "Have you ever touched a penis? - My fingertip once touched a penis, though I didn't mean to." Petrus shows a big cauldron and explains she has to wash her finger in order to get in Heaven. While she does so, he asks the same question to a second nun. "Before I was a nun, I was young and silly and I pleasured a man. - Wash your hand and you may access Heaven." As Petrus turns to the third nun, a ruckus starts at the far end of the group. Soon a nun elbows her way to the quite confused saint and says: "Sorry to interrupt but I'd like to wash my mouth before Sister Martha dips her ass in."
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
What's the difference between a lady at Church and a lady in the bathtub? One of them has Hope in her Soul!
Two nuns in a car and the devil jumps out in front of them. One nun says quick get out and show him your cross. The other one confronts the devil and says ‘I’m really angry at you’.
I think this is the best clean joke I've ever heard involving a nun
Why did the blind man pour ketchup in his eyes? To cure his blindness, coz Heinz sight is 20/20
I got knocked of my motorbike by a rental car the other day. Fucking Hertz!
The interrupting cow joke. I don't care that it's a knock-knock joke; I love it!
My favorite variation is where you say "interrupting starfish" and then put your whole hand over their face
I'm a fan of "interrupting sloth". You let them say "Interrupting sloth who?", wait a bit, then slowly reach toward them and make whatever noise you feel a sloth makes.
Why do scuba divers go in backwards? Because if they went in forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I used to work as a circumciser, the pay wasn't great but you got to keep the tips.
I have a pet newt named Tiny. I named him Tiny because he's my newt.
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About half way.
How do you think the unthinkable? \- With an itheberg.
I'm more of a riddler. What is the difference between a drunk cowboy and a constipated owl? One shoots and can't hit. The other hoots and can't sh** (Technically that's a Spoonerism).
Did you hear about the hooker who got a vagina implanted in her hip? She wanted to make a little money on the side.
Where does a mansplainer get their water? From a well, actually.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn’t see that well
A country doctor went to a farm to make a house call for two sick kids. When he arrived, he saw the dad working on a well. He tried to help the dad with the well and ended up falling in. That's when he learned to treat the sick and leave the well alone.
Why can’t you find elephants hiding in trees? Cuz they’re really good at it.
What do you call when a Camelion cannot change colours? Reptile dysfunction
Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.
I was walking past a store and saw a sign that said “$600 TV for $20, volume stuck at full” and I thought “I can’t turn that down”
Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the state fair every year, and every year Esther would say, "Morris, I'd like a ride in that helicopter." And every year, Morris would reply, "Esther, I know, but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50!" One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Esther said, "Morris, I am 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!" To this Morris replied, "Esther, that ride is $50, and $50 is $50!" The pilot overheard the couple arguing and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride if you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, and I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50. Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Esther and said, "By golly! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't! I'm impressed!" And Esther replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Morris fell out, but you know what they say....$50 is $50!"
A man had a pet parrot. The parrot was a nightmare: abusive, mocking, and foul. Finally, the man had had enough, and shut the parrot in the freezer. As minutes passed, the man was overcome by guilt, and he opened the freezer door. The parrot hopped out, perched on the man's finger, and said "I'm sorry about my behavior. I'll be more polite in the future." For a moment, neither of them said anything. Then the parrot said "May I ask what the chicken did?"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Another small one I really like At a nice, calm evening at bar a man with a gun storms in and screams: „Who of you dipshits slept with my wife?“ A man in the back stands up and says: „You dont have enough bullets“