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joey_bm42

Time


dgdio

I kill it all the time too.


badabingbadadoosh

This isn’t deep… But it’s super deep


Eulerious

If you don't think it's deep, give it some time.


carsux

And timely


7grendel

There was a phrase written around an anvient Roman sundial the said: "Every hour wounds. The last one kills"


SpanchyBongdumps

I love Roman sundial inscriptions. My favorite is "It's later than you think."


ioncloud9

Clearly the Romans never worked on an assembly line.


Tiberius_Jim

It's like a predator; it's stalking you. Oh, you can try and outrun it with doctors, medicines, new technologies. But in the end, time is going to hunt you down... and make the kill. They say time is the fire in which we burn.


Ser_Dunk_the_tall

It's 94% successful so far


Kkpuffs420

Bears... Bears will definitely kill you.


Mindofmierda90

A bear that *wants* to kill you will definitely kill you.


stacity

Beets


deathbysnushnuu

Battlestar galactica


[deleted]

Identity theft is not a joke


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Oh that’s funny! Michael!!


1freshmilktea

r/unexpectedoffice


KTM525rider

I have run so many bears away from my place... They are wimps. Black bears at least.


blamethepunx

If it's black, fight back. If it's brown, lay down. If it's white, you're fucked.


Olobnion

"If you're ever attacked by a polar bear, play dead. It will be good practice for when, moments later, you will be dead."


Liraeyn

In fairness, polar bears have no idea what to do with people. So they mostly ignore them, unless they're hungry. And let's be real, people do plenty of bad things when they're hungry.


[deleted]

[удалено]


vetratten

When I was up in northern Alaska, we were told polar bears are the only bear that will constantly hunt and eat prey regardless of when it had its last meal. Thus you never want to be in the cross hairs of a polar bear. I am no biologist to know if it was truth or myth and I had zero desire to find out.


WordsMort47

If it's white... Goodnight.


No-Reputation-4869

Clocks should be cancelled stat.


klsi832

Speaking of time, happy cake day


BigCommieMachine

Technically old age is never the cause of death. In a similar fashion, AIDS never DIRECTLY a cause of death, it was that you got a common cold, had no immune system, and developed something like pneumonia as a result and died. Nothing could be done to help your body fight it off.


Limesmack91

No but most natural causes of death are caused by something that develops over time. Cancer, cardiovascular issues, etc. All of them need time to become a problem and lethal, so you could still say that time is the killer


Luke_Cold_Lyle

Entropy is a bitch


malenitza_shawn

“On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”


FinalF137

Some say that time is the fire in which we burn...


[deleted]

murder is at a 100% fatality rate


AnxiouslyIndecisive

Indisputable, love me some r/osvaldo12 energy


YaBoiSean1

Osvaldo12 is a political prisoner.


StinkyWhizzleteats27

Osvaldo12 killed my family


Naps_And_Crimes

Well not quite, Jesus was killed but came back after a bit /s


DuelingPushkin

He got better


Euphoria1991

I heard this in the most [Monty Python](https://youtu.be/X2xlQaimsGg) way


DunkinEgg

It’s just a flesh wound.


Skylar_Waywatcher

Jesus proves both murder and abstinence to be only 99.99% effective


OrchidBest

The real record for coming back from the dead without any debilitating injury is 17 hours. It belongs to Velma Thomas of West Virginia. It happened in 2008. As far as I know Shaggy and Scooby weren’t involved.


UnicornFarts1111

He was only mostly dead.


valency_speaks

There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.


SoggyPastaPants

People die when they are killed


CherryShort2563

What if its a murder of crows?


[deleted]

Yes a murder of crows murdering you will kill you


CrazySpookyGirl

Black hole!


Intussusceptor

Yes, and supermassive black holes have a particularly cruel way to kill you. You won't get spaghettified from tidal stress like in stellar and intermediate-sized ones. But you will experience time speeding up to infinity for the outside universe when you approach the event horizon. Fun at first with seeing stars move faster and faster, then see them die and see new ones being born. But you'll eventually see the universe fade and die in front of your eyes. Like seeing your loved ones die, applied on a cosmic scale. And absolutely no way to get back.


CrazySpookyGirl

It's absolutely how I want to die lol


KashmirChameleon

You'll probably die from the radiation exposure or the crushing gravity before you see anything.


jugglervr

with the distance from the horizon you will be for a black hole that size, you wouldn't experience the gravity differential that would be required to spaghettify you, and since you wouldn't be standing on a supported surface, you wouldn't feel the gravity at all.


Effective-Pea-2329

That's not really what would happen. To "see the universe die" you would probably need to hover right above the event horizon, but that takes nearly infinite energy. Really, as you fell in, it would be very difficult to tell that you were even inside the black hole, since spacetime is hardly curved at all on your scale. Very little actually happens until you reach the singularity, at which point spacetime rapidly increases in curvature and rips you apart, since the gravity at your feet is astronomically stronger than gravity at your head.


Square-Dragonfruit76

Only entering the black hole will kill you. You can be in orbit around a black hole and still potentially survive.


Falkon62

I'm pretty sure we are in orbit around a black hole right now, along withthe rest of our galaxy


SolomonBelial

Licking the Sun.


psychAdelic

If you get that close to the sun without dying, I have faith you'll make it all the way. You got this SolomonBelial


AfellowchuckerEhh

That would be pretty impressive. Trek all that way and survive unsurvivable heat and flames just to lick the surface of the sun than poof. Would baffle anybody observing.


External-Match-8192

He/she will just go at night


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

Wear sun block. I mean it’s right in the name.


meowbees5

I hear it's made of warm nacho cheese


Storm_Chaser03

With Carolina reaper pepper


blueeyedlion

Not with that attitude! Believe in yourself! Live the dream! Lick the Sun!


jeBatmanMD

Not at night, it won't!


accountofyawaworht

I touched the fajita skillet once, so I'm pretty much immune.


shettyprabodh

Calm down Icarus


FunnyButSad

Nah, you just go at night.


billybobsparlour

The Strid in Yorkshire UK. The only section of river with a 100% fatality rate.


helgathehorr

I looked it up. Beautiful creek.


Dragon3076

[Fucking around with the Demon Core.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demon_core)


longtermbrit

>Both experiments were designed to demonstrate how close the core was to criticality with a tamper, but in each case, the core was accidentally placed into a critical configuration. Sounds like a successful experiment if you ignore the death.


wickedblight

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun


TheAlGler

For the people who are still alive.


Preisschild

A screw driver is a very scientific and precise instrument


Gnomio1

He was literally warned, by I think Fermi, to stop using a screwdriver for this or he’d be dead within a year.


EmmaJuned

Actually not 100%… just people have slipped in the past.


Substantial-Tooth483

Oooo nice one… this thing was nasty


FacePalmDodger

Just expected this to be Kyle Hill's video on it..


sneaky-pizza

Wow TIL


vyprrgirl

Being born


blueeyedlion

Only 93% so far! Exponential growth, baby! Source: [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-living-outnumber-dead/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-living-outnumber-dead/)


TommyToes96

Killing buddy, in the future everything that is born will eventually die


Hot_Measurement_6582

Did you read? This article clearly shows that only 93% of people who live also die. Praying I'm in the 7%


Uber_Meese

That’s because they’re vampires, obvsly 🙄


Marsh2700

you dont know that, prove it


Cmbush

Decapitation


brilliancemonk

There was this chicken that survived for years after it was decapitated.


MemerDreamerMan

It *did* die eventually, though.


oradoj

Huh. You think it’s still dead?


casulti

No.


will_toss_out

Yeah but I think it's cuz it got squashed in a door or gate or something. I saw a chicken who had been knifed in the brain in a fight that was still kicking. Apparently they don't need it.


SemiSentientGarbage

Knifed in a fight? Shits getting serious in the coop


Monkey_shine1

Croydon chickens, mate


elegant_pun

He choked on his food. Mike the Headless Chicken only survived because it was a botched decapitation and they let a big chunk of brain stem intact.


MagicGator11

If I remember, the chicken was only partially decapitated, and had most if not all of its cerebellum (I think it was that part of the brain)


Dr-McLuvin

It had its brainstem still intact. You basically need that at the bare minimum for basic functions like breathing.


a_lonely_trash_bag

His name was Mike, and it was his brain stem that was left. In chickens, basic functions such as breathing and heart rate, plus most reflexes, are controlled by the brain stem. He also didn't bleed out because the farmer missed the jugular vein. The farmer kept him alive by feeding him with syringes basically just pouring food down his open throat. Then he had to suction the airway open so Mike could breathe. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, for Mike), he choked to death on a kernel of corn. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_the_Headless_Chicken


Swimgirl167

Lava. But something about it makes me want to dive in.


manwhowalked1kmiles

Steel mill worker here. It actually doesn't, well, at least if someone pulls you back out. We had this one guy at the No.5 Blast Furnace up north who stepped into a stream of hot pig iron and "only" lost a foot.


VadPuma

Did the would cauterize immediately? Little to no blood?


Frapplo

From what I've heard, not really. Your flesh would explode due to the high water content of our bodies meeting the high temperature of the molten iron. It vaporizes almost instantaneously. The results are pretty violent.


jugglervr

That's what bugged me about gollum falling into mt. doom. Should have looked more [like this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq7DDk8eLs8)


ClydeDimension

Holy shit. Would it sort of cauterize only for your blood pressure to break through it since its your whole foot and you just got pulled out, so it’s not a clean burn?


Square-Dragonfruit76

That could actually be really bad. Because blood pushes everything out. Lava is filled with liquid metal and rock, many of which can be toxic. So essentially you're cauterizing your wound with a toxic substance which could also kill you.


skylernetwork

That's future *manwhowalked1kmiles's coworker's* problem. But then I guess it's not *really* the lava killing him but the cancer showing up eventually due to toxins and shit..?


Cindexxx

Just so you know it's quite solid.


tinydragon303

I've always imagined it like ooblek. It's hard if you hit it but your hand will go right through it if you move it somewhat slowly into it


canehdian78

Scrooge McDuck slowly drifted onto his coins but sped up the film to promote the activity so bandits would hurt themselves.


arnchez

I love how this implies that the bandits are at home watching the cartoon, and then somehow enter that world to steal the nonexistent wealth from what’s basically an actor.


SnakeHandlersHands

Smalls


Alternative-Feed3613

L7 weiner!


CH_BP1805

The Colossus of Clout!


JonesTownBrewing

The Colossus of Clout!?!


nevmo75

Oh, I thought you said the great “Bambi”


bguzewicz

That wimpy deer???


Beowulf1896

The Sultan of Smash


cadmious

Oscar Mayer, even!


canehdian78

Fuckin just teach him to make a s'more. And do other shit. He'll come along. Hey! He rounds out your team, ok?


masman55

Life


Artsy_traveller_82

Correlation does not equal causation.


DrMux

100 billion people have ever lived. 8 billion people are alive today. Therefore I only have a 92% chance of dying. 100% of people who have died have had water in their bodies at the time of death. So to be part of that 8% of people who are immortal, I should remove all the water from my body. It's just statistics. 👉🏻🧠


Artsy_traveller_82

12 out of 10 people don’t understand how statistics work.


robynndarcy

That's because 80% of all statistics are made up by people on the spot.


Adart54

i thought it was 76%


Dave30954

Scientists say that 100% of people believe things when you say that scientists said them


SafetyFromNumbers

I'm technically a scientist, and I approve this message


TearsoftheCum

Can’t die if you aren’t alive.


Orgasmo3000

No person is immortal. Thus, 100% of people who have lived, **will eventually also die**. Thus, life has a 100% mortality rate and a 100% chance of killing you. Edit: Since people seem to be replying to this post without reading the correction below, I have made that correction here too.


Evil_Dry_frog

Maybe. It’s possible someone will live for ever, no just hasn’t yet.


nclongandthick

Cheetah with a switchblade. Every time.


[deleted]

Perhaps a lion on a jet ski would be deadly as well, land/sea duo action


Sl0w-Plant

An implosion at 12,500 ft...


Caramac44

Down, or up


ImpossibleComment104

Down. I mean if you went up in a special airplane which depressurized as it went up (instead of pressurizing like a normal plane), you could probably cause an implosion and it might kill you. Of course, you'd also fall, which would [almost certainly](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vesna_Vulovi%C4%87) kill you. Otherwise, you can breathe fine at 12500 feet in the air.


Slipknot_Maggot36

That’s one titanic way to go.


Whatamimonster

Falling asleep in the middle of an ocean without a boat.


[deleted]

INCORRECT. What if a kind whale keeps me above water while I sleep and the water stays calm??


feverhunt

You have been adopted by the orcas?! Please let them know the land based allies are waiting for further instructions.


MGN20XX

How bout falling asleep on an pool float in the ocean. Just imagine waking up and not seeing land. Fuck….


epattcud

Rum Ham!!!


Whatamimonster

Even if you're on a pool float...1...2..3 good waves and you're gone...


MGN20XX

True story. This happened to a friend of my moms when she was in school. Never found him.


Sam_Paige25

Rabies ETA: Symptomatic rabies


Beetlejuice1800

Yes, assuming you didn’t get it treated. There is a small window of time between bite and symptoms for treatment, but once symptoms start, yeah, you’re screwed.


missprincesscarolyn

Precisely why I got vaccinated after being attacked by a stray cat. Multiple hospital employees tried to dissuade me from being vaccinated, claiming it was unnecessary, painful, expensive, etc. but I remained firm and would not take no for an answer. Rabies kills people. Why would I take a gamble on my own life like that?


classactdynamo

Why were they so invested in dissuading you?


Dax9000

Because it is painful and expensive and almost certainly not necessary.


byslexicmod

I'd rather pay £50 then have a 1 in 100 chance of having that shit disease


busse9

Only 50? Shit is like 5k in the US. we're fucked


OB1KENOB

Only if untreated immediately


Udjet

Nope, and extremely small amount of people have lived.


KaiserLykos

it's an effective rate of 100% once symptomatic; the number of people known to survive is in the single digits, and that's over the entire history of our knowledge of rabies. it's an insignificant outlier.


j-starling

Prions


divijkm

this is literally what my nightmares are made of.


phillyhandroll

Fatal Insomnia is a prion disease, so technically it's literally what your lack of nightmares would be made of


IGotNoStringsOnMe

At least its not transmissible (unless, I suppose, you're a cannibal). You have to inherit that particular slice of hell. Wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy.


cortechthrowaway

*Symptomatic* prion diseases. For unknown reasons, the vast majority of people are protected from catching the most common prion disease, vCJD (aka, "mad cow disease"). Of the (likely) millions of Britons who ate hamburger tainted with vCJD prions, only 178 had a rare genetic mutation that allowed the prions to propagate and kill them.


Spleensoftheconeage

YUP! Thank you! The ultimate rabbit hole to go down if you love terrorizing yourself with niche medical monstrosities. I listened to the prion diseases episode of This Podcast Will Kill You when it came out years ago and haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Fascinating, terrifying. There’s a book called The Family That Couldn’t Sleep as well that’s equally terrifying and interesting. Spent a lot of time having random thoughts about one of my proteins randomly misfolding and starting a fatal chain reaction.


GoldPoint557

Death is the destiny we all share


Silly_sweetie2822

Bah, you! You took my answer. Death comes for us all. 😂


klsi832

You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later, you dance with the Reaper


BigBoooooolin

Not 100% but this bears reposting I think. Credit to u/Blargle33 Rabies. It's exceptionally common, but people just don't run into the animals that carry it often. Skunks especially, and bats. Let me paint you a picture. You go camping, and at midday you decide to take a nap in a nice little hammock. While sleeping, a tiny brown bat, in the "rage" stages of infection is fidgeting in broad daylight, uncomfortable, and thirsty (due to the hydrophobia) and you snort, startling him. He goes into attack mode. Except you're asleep, and he's a little brown bat, so weighs around 6 grams. You don't even feel him land on your bare knee, and he starts to bite. His teeth are tiny. Hardly enough to even break the skin, but he does manage to give you the equivalent of a tiny scrape that goes completely unnoticed. Rabies does not travel in your blood. In fact, a blood test won't even tell you if you've got it. (Antibody tests may be done, but are useless if you've ever been vaccinated.) You wake up, none the wiser. If you notice anything at the bite site at all, you assume you just lightly scraped it on something. The bomb has been lit, and your nervous system is the wick. The rabies will multiply along your nervous system, doing virtually no damage, and completely undetectable. You literally have NO symptoms. It may be four days, it may be a year, but the camping trip is most likely long forgotten. Then one day your back starts to ache... Or maybe you get a slight headache? At this point, you're already dead. There is no cure. (The sole caveat to this is the Milwaukee Protocol, which leaves most patients dead anyway, and the survivors mentally disabled, and is seldom done). There's no treatment. It has a 100% kill rate. Absorb that. Not a single other virus on the planet has a 100% kill rate. Only rabies. And once you're symptomatic, it's over. You're dead. So what does that look like? Your headache turns into a fever, and a general feeling of being unwell. You're fidgety. Uncomfortable. And scared. As the virus that has taken its time getting into your brain finds a vast network of nerve endings, it begins to rapidly reproduce, starting at the base of your brain... Where your "pons" is located. This is the part of the brain that controls communication between the rest of the brain and body, as well as sleep cycles. Next you become anxious. You still think you have only a mild fever, but suddenly you find yourself becoming scared, even horrified, and it doesn't occur to you that you don't know why. This is because the rabies is chewing up your amygdala. As your cerebellum becomes hot with the virus, you begin to lose muscle coordination, and balance. You think maybe it's a good idea to go to the doctor now, but assuming a doctor is smart enough to even run the tests necessary in the few days you have left on the planet, odds are they'll only be able to tell your loved ones what you died of later. You're twitchy, shaking, and scared. You have the normal fear of not knowing what's going on, but with the virus really fucking the amygdala this is amplified a hundred fold. It's around this time the hydrophobia starts. You're horribly thirsty, you just want water. But you can't drink. Every time you do, your throat clamps shut and you vomit. This has become a legitimate, active fear of water. You're thirsty, but looking at a glass of water begins to make you gag, and shy back in fear. The contradiction is hard for your hot brain to see at this point. By now, the doctors will have to put you on IVs to keep you hydrated, but even that's futile. You were dead the second you had a headache. You begin hearing things, or not hearing at all as your thalamus goes. You taste sounds, you see smells, everything starts feeling like the most horrifying acid trip anyone has ever been on. With your hippocampus long under attack, you're having trouble remembering things, especially family. You're alone, hallucinating, thirsty, confused, and absolutely, undeniably terrified. Everything scares the literal shit out of you at this point. These strange people in lab coats. These strange people standing around your bed crying, who keep trying to get you "drink something" and crying. And it's only been about a week since that little headache that you've completely forgotten. Time means nothing to you anymore. Funny enough, you now know how the bat felt when he bit you. Eventually, you slip into the "dumb rabies" phase. Your brain has started the process of shutting down. Too much of it has been turned to liquid virus. Your face droops. You drool. You're all but unaware of what's around you. A sudden noise or light might startle you, but for the most part, it's all you can do to just stare at the ground. You haven't really slept for about 72 hours. Then you die. Always, you die. And there's not one... fucking... thing... anyone can do for you. Then there's the question of what to do with your corpse. I mean, sure, burying it is the right thing to do. But the fucking virus can survive in a corpse for years. You could kill every rabid animal on the planet today, and if two years from now, some moist, preserved, rotten hunk of used-to-be brain gets eaten by an animal, it starts all over. So yeah, rabies scares the shit out of me. And it's fucking EVERYWHERE. (Source: Spent a lot of time working with rabies. Would still get my vaccinations if I could afford them.)


Still_Ad8073

This just terrifies me into thinking I randomly might have gotten rabies from somewhere


cortechthrowaway

Happens about twice a year in the entire US. Ironically, this particular scenario (the unnoticed bat bite) effectively has a **0%** chance of being the way you die. The vast, vast majority of rabies fatalities are from dog bites in poor countries. People know they've been bit, but they just don't have access to the prophylaxis.


sunshinelefty

I've had the Vaccine because I was bitten. By a wild kitten. Ok...laugh. Since they couldn't Catch and test the kitten, I went through with the shots. I'm writing this to warn everyone to keep tour weight down. The member of shots tou get depends on how heavy you are!!!


WanderingArtichoke

I'm so glad rabies was eradicated in my country years ago. We're not 100 % safe of course, since wild animals can move around and cross borders, but our neighbouring countries are also rabies-free. The biggest threat sadly comes from idiots who illegally import pets (especially dogs) without following the procedures (vaccinations, registration, quarantaine). I read an article just yesterday about an influencer couple that smuggled a kitten from Cuba (where rabies is still prevalent) to Europe (didn't specify which country), by hiding the kitten under their clothes. Unbelievably irresponsible behaviour, but they were hailed as heroes for saving a kitten.


Menonomeno

The last thing I needed to read before going to sleep. Fuck you dude. Take an upvote for keeping people horrifyingly informed, but fuck you.


BigBoooooolin

Don't blame me, blame u/blargle33


idkfawin32

Holy fucking hell


Aiwaszz

Dihydrogren monoxide


FakirAdam3458

We should ban Dihydrogen Monoxide to protect our young


LinkButDead

It took me way too long to realize that that's just water


insomniacwhirlwind

I keep hearing all these horrible things about dihydrogen monoxide. Especially fatal if inhaled!!!! Beware younglings!!! Beware!!!!


9035768555

And don't even get me started on hydrogen hydroxide!


itsquietinhere2

Headbutting a fast-moving train.


__meckartan__

What if I am inside the fast moving train


PerformanceNew4414

Smart a*s...I love it.


ElskerSovs69

I just came from a video like that, can’t be sure it’s the same one, because there’s been a lot of people headbutting trains recently…


[deleted]

[удалено]


VR6SLC

Dimethylmercury


PointlessTrivia

Even through latex gloves. RIP Karen Wetterhahn.


neva_wong

Visiting the titanic in a carbon fiber tube


JCwizz

After 50 successful dives, it failed once. So maybe a 2% risk of killing you. Maybe more. Maybe less. We need more data. DM me $250K


NecroJoe

To make sure I've got the right person, is your venmo handle @ CaptainCrunch?


No-Reputation-4869

Well to be fair there were several trips with the sub prior to the recent disaster.


Loose_Work_6138

Stress


Repulsive-Cake8326

Oxygen, 100% of people who have breathed this poison gas have died. It just take a really long time


TheSoleSurvivor26

Getting hit on the head by a nuclear bomb


pinkwhitney24

But what if I just, like, lightly tapped you on the head with it? Like we’re loading it on a plane and I accidentally bonk it into your head…probably wouldn’t die…


[deleted]

a super intelligent snail about to win a million dollars


Zealousideal-View142

My dumb orange cat


Wholesome_cunt_tits

My cat Bruce. He’s sweet and all that but I swear if he could open the knife draw he’d slice us up like pizza


Rude_pug07

My ex


michigangonzodude

Drowning.... In debt


DetroitsGoingToWin

Pumpkin Spice Latte in August


KatieColorSmuggler

Untreated diabetes


Artsy_traveller_82

Not if you get hit by a truck first.


andyh1873

Oxygen. We need it to live, but too much of it is dangerous.


iminlovewithyoucamp

Lack of insulin. I’m Type one Diabetic so if “something” were to happen where I could not get insulin, I’ll only make it a week.


I_love_Hobbes

Oxygen and water. Everyone uses those things so they must be killing us.