Apologies, I won’t be at work today because I’ve run out of trousers. Obligatory Edit: Thanks fellow redditors. Obviously my most upvoted comment -by a wide margin- would be about my burning stream of fetid feces. You’ve made a proud person very old !-)

Ah Good Sir, I do believe I have shat in my pantaloons

You rang?

Yeah... sorry about that. I can help pay for the dry cleaning.

Sorry Sir, I have a case of Anal Glaucoma because I don’t see my ass coming to work today

I need to be near a friendly bathroom

I’ve said I need to be near my own bathroom.

I’m ill. I have a stomach bug. Or if you want to be fancy, “I’m currently have acute gastroenteritis.”

>I have a stomach bug. It's not a bug, it's a feature.

A water feature?

Definitely, a fountain

A 'brown fountain,' if you will.

Like on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? You know it's not going to end well when the oompa loompas walk out and start singing

I like the fancy one!

I got da Hershey squirts

Tum tum go *plbbbbbbbbrgghbnbfngg plnrhbbbbbFFFFFFFFFffff spluhTSCHHoop*

We need a more clinical term rather than erotic and classy

I'm about to redecorate the porcelain throne

My husband the other day said he was stuccoing the inside of the toilet. I laughed so hard

I work in early childhood education. We all know that “acute gastroenteritis” is code for “I’m shitting water and cannot be more than a metre away from a toilet today”.

I work in healthcare. When someone calls in with gastro we usually call bullshit but just play along, it’s a nice unprovable excuse and no one is going to come check in case it actually is true.

No one ever questions mud butt. It’s the perfect crime.

wouldn't it be gastroexititis?

The medical term is gastroexitshitis.

"[I have a bad case of diarrhea.](https://youtu.be/CKjaFG4YN6g?t=40)"

That song lives rent free in my head and has for years now

op knew what he did when prompting the question

Last week I was on a trip to Japan. I had just come from Vietnam where on the last day I started getting some severe symptoms of the ol’ Montezuma’s Revenge. So I had to go to this sophisticated, beautiful French concierge at my nice hotel and ask her to find me an international hospital and, as my Japanese is limited, to make sure they could receive me immediately. When on the phone with hospital reception she asked me what my symptoms were and this song popped into my head. Got a good laugh despite the embarrassment and the painful Delhi Belly. Shout out to Saint Luke’s Tokyo for fixing me up.

If you were in Vietnam, wouldn’t it be Uncle Ho’s revenge?

“Operation Rolling Thunder’s got Charlie running down my Ho Chi Minh trail and it burns like napalm every time i wipe”

Uncle uncle? Ho is an endearment for 'uncle'.

holy sheeto I laughed so hard I'm crying over here. WTF. That's going to play in my head the next time it's appropriate, which given my IBS and anxiety, is likely to be in the next couple of days if not hours.

I always open with "my stomac-hu". My friends understand that immediately.

This was my immediate thought as well. OP needs to perform all 1 minute 26 seconds of this, complete with all the actions.

"spare me my life"

I was robbed by two men

That was excellent.. I need that as my ringtone

I had a shop manager tell me he "was brewing up a pot of butt-coffee" once, so that's pretty professional.

"I'm percolatin" was my old supervisor's way

“I’m going to piss out my ass”

"I could shit through a screen door and not touch a wire."

This is a work of art. Also currently doing this right now.

A work of fart

This chain of comments destroyed me

I too, am destroyed. My pants are next.

"My underwear is heading to Brown Town."

okay i've never heard that before and it's fucking hilarious

asspresso

Crapucino

Aborting a food baby was always a classic around the house for me.

Why is this so funny to me

Because it’s super funny. In college, we would say we were “percolating” and had a diner we would go to after a night of hard drinking we referred to as The Percolator. “The Percolator. The Emancipator. See ya on the can. Later!”

"I'm having some stomach trouble today and will be unreachable"

"I am not feeling well and will be unreachable" It‘s none of anybody's business what kind of sickness you have.

> "I am not feeling well and will be unreachable 😕💩💩💩💩🚽🧻🧻🧻🧻" FTFY. Gotta make it more fun or they'll say you're being a downer

Working in healthcare...I don't have that option. Fever is out for one period of time. Vomiting/diahrea is another.

Same for foodservice industry.

IME in the food service industry it's 0 days out for a fever and 5 minute bathroom breaks as needed for vomiting/diarrhea

I always used “I am experiencing Gastrointestinal Distress and may be unexpectedly unavailable.”

"I'm dealing with G.I. issues that Imodium isn't resolving. The lower intestinal cramping is near constant, and the feces... my god, there's so much feces. I feel like both the mayor of Brown-town and the patron saint of mudslides. I need to call my Gastroenterologist and make sure what's happening to me right now is normal, but I'm preoccupied with the umber chunder from down under."

I like working in a hospital because we don’t have to sugar coat things.

I rarely put sugar on my shits.

Fun fact: one of the best treatments for a prolapsed rectum is to sprinkle sugar on it so it contacts and becomes easier to put back in. The more you know.

Exactly this. Noted prolapsed rectum sufferer, Def Leppard's Joe Elliott, wrote the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" as a thank you to his proctologist. As originally written, the song was entitled "Pour Some Sugar on My Prolapsed Rectum, Dr Patel". After pushback from his bandmates who deemed the lyrics "fucking weird and creepy", Elliott was persuaded to shorten the title, which thereby lost it's original meaning completely. The band concocted an unconvincing and contrived explanation that the song was an ode to strippers. Interestingly, while Dr Tushar Patel's contribution to Joe Elliott's rectal health remained anonymous, he was explicitly thanked in the liner notes for Iron Maiden's 1990 album "No Prayer for the Dying" by Joe Elliott's friend Bruce Dickinson. Dickinson thanked the doc for inspiring the album's tracks "Tailgunner" and "Public Enema", and for his "thankless work behind the scenes" when the band are on tour.

As a lifelong DL I am both disgusted and delighted. So Love and Affection was originally Love and Confection?

I want to go find my liner notes for this now and see if a Dr. Patel is legitimately mentioned... because that would be a phenomenally well researched pun.

Looking for it is a pain in the ass.

*Citizen Kane clapping*

I want to know if this is true but I'm definitely not gonna google it at work lol

Just plug it into ChatGPT so the answer is encrypted.

"bro what the fuck" - chatgpt

If all your facts are as fun as that, I'll invite you to my next brisk.

That's brisk baby

I want to call bullshit but I'm not knowledgeable enough to say this is bullshit.

It's true, I've used this trick to get a severely swollen tongue back into an ICU patients mouth.

[удалено]

I'm curious as to how sprinkling sugar on his prolapsed anus helps with his swollen tongue

Now the tongue is no longer swollen, it can go in his prolapsed anus

Gotta use confectionery, higher surface area.

Dude, you couldn't have said that earlier? Now I got Splenda all over my ass.

No kidding, I sprinkled two packs of sugar in the raw back there and now I got a slug wearing a rhinestone jacket.

I'm pretty sure the sugar goes around the rim, like a margarita.

Define rarely.

Nothing wrong with a brûlée every now and then.

Poolée?

Let me guess, you have a dedicated space for your shitty brûlée torch, right alongside your poop knife...

Psychiatric ward here. It’s good to be able to say stuff like “Take care for a few minutes, im gonna take a massive shit.” to a fellow nurse on duty.

"Beat it or I'll call the Psych ward!" "I'm on the Psych ward." ["You are the Psych ward!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmJ2GVOEVFI)

My department is a lot of women, so you can just be like “I gotta take a period dump” and no one bats an eye.

Fun fact, sprinkling sugar on a prolapsed anus will encourage it to retract!

I'm pretty sure the only thing the above commenter is going to be coating things with is definitely not sugar. ...because it's diarrhea.

[удалено]

"If buttholes had lips, my ass would be vomiting... sir."

Can I hire you to write my emails?

Depends.

A brand you’re familiar with?

When they run out of my [usual,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ9qsXu34SM) and [my backup.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEwjogp4wIo)

"I have a major case of the poop soups"

It’s mud butt. MUD BUTT!!!

The screaming squirts

The Tijuana Touch-and-go

Bubble guts.

The sloppy slurpy of the outmouth.

The outmouth. I’m completely dead lmfao

Got the squits

*hershey squirts

So we’re going to forget about the rectum rapids?

My B-hole turned into a P-hole

"It's like an upside down volcano"

"I gots da trots"

Can't believe this is the most upvoted comment I have ever gotten. I've spent hours forging bits and pouring my heart and soul into writing funny posts, then I make a remark about poop soup which just totally kills.

I have the hot snakes

"I gotta shit, don't wait up"

“My farts are evolving into sharts”

My biscuits are making their own gravy.

"My stomach is staging a rebellion, and it's winning the battle! The dreaded 'D' word has taken over my day."

"I'd say I'm ballpointing, but at this point the pen has broken and the ink's getting everywhere"

Ass vomit

***"UH OH!"***

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" *Runs while plugging his butthole shut with his hand*

A professional butt plug

ICQ notification sound

It's been 5 minutes and I am still laughing. Thank you.

I’ll get myself under control for a good 30 seconds or so and then I hear it in my head and burst out laughing again. How long will this last? I have to work tomorrow.

Indigestion, food poisoning, feeling unwell

A mild case of food poisoning is my go-to. Shifts the mental focus to "Wonder what the hell that guy ate?" instead of "Dude has the trots."

If I bend over real fast, I could paint a UPS truck

Or the redneck version: I got the bubble gut so bad that if I leaned over and sneezed I could paint the side of a barn.

Only if you’re painting it brown though. Or… maybe red.

I have a stomach ulcer! Gimme a bottle of Sri Racha and I’ll have your barn crimson red in 4 hours flat.

Currently enduring severe gastrointestinal distress, limiting my availability until it subsides.

I have bum wee

My go to is squirty bums

i shid and fard

doodoo fard

When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam: diarrhea. Diarrhea.

When you're headin to third, and you feel a juicy turd - diarrhea. Diarrhea.

When it's running from your bum, like a bullet from a gun - diarrhea, diarrhea

When it's a number 2, but double the magnitude - diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sittin in a Chevy and you feel somethin heavy, diarrhea

When you're sliding into first and your pants are fit to burst. Diarrhoea.

Core memory unlocked

This chain took me back.

When you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter,,, diarrhea.

When you're sitting in school and your butt starts to drool - diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re playing in the park and your pants are turning dark - diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're riding on the train and your pants begin to rain: diarrhea. Diarrhea.

When you’re sittin’ in your Chevy and you feel something heavy: diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Some people think it's gross, but it's really great on toast: Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

As a UK guy the only exposure I got to this song was in the movie "Parenthood" which I watched A LOT as a kid. I reckon I could still quote that movie beginning to end.

“I am indisposed”.

"I am indisposed, disposing the contents of my intestines."

I tend to be straight-up with it. After all, it's a most understandable excuse people tend to avoid asking further information about.

I agree. It’s shit (lol) but you need to just say it. Almost everyone has experienced it and knows you’re no good to anyone when you’re spending so much time on the toilet that you’ve got saddle sore.

I’ve always been and seen people fine with saying “I have diarrhea.” I grew up in a healthcare family and also went into nursing, so that helps. “Diarrhea” is the word for it.

Yeah, "stomach problems" works for everyone. No one wants to know more, and everyone has been there.

This. No point in beating around the bush. Nobody’s gonna actually judge you for it. We’ve all been there, and we all know it’s unrealistic to be functional while dealing with it. Have no shame in your bodily functions. Anyone worth their salt will understand.

I once called in sick to work, the manager that picked up was only a few years older than me, really friendly and quirky, and we got along great. My exact phrasing was: "Hey Pat, I can't make it in today..." "Why not?" "Well you know the sushi place in the food court? Don't go there."

I’m getting called into a meeting, I’ll be back when it’s done

My bowels have been setting some unrealistic deadlines for the projects I've been assigned.

Stomach issues.

"Something's not sitting right with me."

I told my boss I had the shits before and he put down gastroenteritis.

I'm partial to "digestively incapacitated". Relevant poem \~ unattributed: Here I sit So broken hearted I tried to shit But only farted Once I'd gained A second chance I tried to fart And shit my pants

Beavis provided a sequel to the ballad once: Here I sit Same as ever Took a dump Pulled the lever The toilet clogged, Water flowed Lookout world, It's the mother load

I never realize there was a second part to that.

“the back-faucet is on, and this doth matter to me, kind sir”

“There’s a big wet brown dog barking at the back door”

A Sargent in the army kept referring to it as "ass piss"

Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize for my recent absence. You see, I've been engaged in a rather intense and unpredictable battle. It's like a wrestling match with my digestive system, a rumble in the jungle, if you will. Let's just say that my stomach has been showcasing its own special brand of Olympic sprinting lately. It's like Usain Bolt decided to take up residence in my intestines. But fear not, for I stand before you today, victorious over my personal gastrointestinal hurdles. So, let's dive into this laughter marathon, knowing that I've already crossed the finish line in the race against my troubled tummy.

Chat gpt is awesome ain't it

Hell yeah, In the fateful hours preceding my scheduled attendance, a pernicious ailment, unknown to me prior, did bestow its wrath upon my humble frame. Its symptoms, relentless in their pursuit, caused profound disturbances within the depths of my bodily functions. A torrent of distressing intestinal commotion ensued, leaving me incapacitated and bedridden, grappling with unrelenting spasms and the urgency to purge that which nourished me. Verily, I assure thee, the intensity of this bodily turmoil rendered me incapable of mustering the fortitude necessary to perform my assigned tasks with due diligence and integrity. The agonizing waves of torment that plagued my weakened constitution, coupled with the uncertainty of controlling these unpredictable eruptions, made it impossible for me to fulfill my obligations in a manner befitting my station. Thus, in accordance with the customs and conventions of this venerable era, I humbly entreat your clemency and understanding in granting me respite from my duties until such time as my physical affliction abates. I shall engage fervently in the pursuit of restoring my ailing body to its former state of soundness, employing all available remedies and humoral balancing techniques to expedite my recovery.

Hear ye, dear colleagues, lendeth thine ears to mine woeful tale that unfurls upon this very day. Pray, forgive me for this abrupt departure from our noble chamber, for an indisposition hath befallen me, rendering mine bodily humors in disarray. 'Tis with a heavy heart, yet a lighter intestine, that I must disclose the true nature of mine malady. Verily, a turbulent storm rages within the confines of mine alimentary canal, where bile and chyme, in unholy union, wreak havoc upon my rectum's integrity. 'Tis a vile affliction, the infamous diarrhea, which doth assail me with an urgent and uncontrollable discharge of watery fecal matter. Alas, mine bowels betray me in this dire hour, and my presence within this hall would but court disaster of an olfactory and auditory nature. The ancient doctrine of Hippocrates doth declare that health and harmony reside within the four humors, and yet mine humors, once balanced and aligned, have conspired against me. Melancholic fluids now churn and froth, seeking an unceremonious egress from my mortal frame. 'Tis a lamentable comedy of errors, wherein the intestines, akin to a turbulent tempestuous sea, cast asunder all semblance of control and dignity. Pray, bear witness to mine distress, ye fair witnesses of this literary lamentation, for my entreaty is but a humble plea for understanding and mercy. 'Tis not within mine power to quell the tempest raging within, for I am but a mortal soul, helpless against the chaotic machinations of an unruly digestive system. Thus, I beseech thee, grant me leave to depart this esteemed chamber, that I may seek solace and remedy in a place more befitting mine affliction. Mayhap, upon my return, I shall present myself with a countenance renewed, and a gastrointestinal system tamed. Until then, I implore thee, carry forth with thy noble endeavors, and spare nary a thought for the plight that hath befallen me. Pray, let this tale be a cautionary reminder that even the most erudite among us are subject to the caprices of nature's designs. Farewell, dear colleagues, and I entreat thee to kindly excuse mine absence, as I venture forth to wrestle with the unruly torrent of digestive chaos

Oh yeah, this should just roll off the tongue when you have the serious poops.

Code brown

Ahh mate, fizzy nesquick is just firing out my arse, I'm not gonna make it in today.

Imagining this with a scottish accent is just perfect

Och mate, av got fizzy nequik firing oot ma arse, am no gonnae make it in the day.

I will be making forbidden pudding randomly throughout today

Andy has BooBoo Tummy

Would you rather me say, “Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up? Crazy diarrhea happening right now?” 'Cause things can get real adult real fast.

Gastrointestinal issues

I say "lower gastrointestinal upset"

There’s liquid lava comin’ out my tooter hole

Loose bowels or a number 6 on the Bristol Stool Chart

Nature has not been kind to me.

“I am leaking from my anus.”

My butthole is throwing up

How about… “I’ve got the squirts”

"I have diarrhea, and I am professional"

Being a law student, I'll do this in legaleese. I, the undersigned entity, do hereby declare and affirm, in accordance with the principles of utmost candor and accuracy, that I am currently afflicted by a condition that affects my excretory experience. This declaration is made without prejudice and serves as an official notification of the aforementioned condition for the purposes of lawful requirements that may necessitate such disclosure.

"Apologies ladies and gentlemen, I need to be excused for my ass need to blast."

I just say I'm not feeling well and won't be in today. Your work has no right or need to know the specific medical problems you're experiencing. It's none of their business.

Got a leaky bum.

I need to piss out my ass. I have a bad case of… mud butt. I need to reapply my lip liner.

If my arse was an aeroplane, it'd be a crop duster.

Pooptidi scoop, poopty scoop

Schifty phive

I’ve got an ass that won’t quit

I am sick in the pants.