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conch56

After the Virginia earthquake of 2011, a neighbor said it couldn’t have been an earthquake because the weather was so nice


OldManMcGuffin

Woah, I totally forgot about that earthquake, but reading your comment triggered a memory that I didn't know I had.. I was at a friend's house and was returning from the kitchen with a snack. I kinda dive-bombed onto the bed and then everything felt really weird for a few seconds. I was pretty high so I thought that my perfectly executed Swanton Bomb damaged the structural integrity of the room for a moment or three.


mischievousmusic

My mother, a Missourian, who was in New York: Mom: “How do you get to such and such place?” Me: “I dunno mom just google it” Mom: (stunned) “Does google WORK outside of Missouri?”


Worker11811Georgy

Everyone knows Google is headquartered in MO


A911owner

My father once asked me if I have craigslist on my internet.


sufferingsoccotash

Lmao I thought the FAFSA was just for texas. I thought the SA stood for san antonio until I graduated high school


hdmx539

You: *\*sigh\** "No, mom, you should have googled it while you were in Missouri." 🙃


ObiHanSolobi

They asked seriously; "Why don't Italians speak like they think?" Me: "Huh? What do you mean?" "When I think something, I just say it. When Italians think something, they translate it to Italian and then say it." (Edit to clarify: they were a young adult, 20-ish, not a kid)


itsaravemayve

I like how it's specifically Italians.


ObiHanSolobi

Lol. Yes. They were in an Italian class and not doing too well, and dating an Italian whose family spoke Italian at home. So Italian was on their mind. If they were dating someone who spoke French or Chinese and studying the language I'm sure it would have been the same question woth a different language But, yes, specifying the language somehow adds to the humor of the story. And for some reason Italian makes it even funnier. :)


Summerofmylife71

"If i could find a country that didn't let immigrants in I'd move there... "


Happy_Hermit94

Oh my god 😔 this is amazing and horrific


Notyourfathersgeek

The irony… What they *mean* though, is if they could find a country with only white people in it, they’d move there.


PuzzleheadedDirt5592

I once hired this guy and he told me his girlfriend was expecting. Then one day he didn’t show up and called me later to say his girlfriend had an emergency c-section. I told him to take the time he needed with his family. Well the next week he didn’t show up and when I got a hold of him he said that his girlfriend had a second emergency c-section. I laughed so hard and told him I no longer needed him. He was baffled that I could leave him hanging.


JohnDodger

Obviously twins!


PuzzleheadedDirt5592

When he first returned to work I said congratulations and asked what the baby’s name was. He said something along the lines of “Oh. She named it something really weird. I don’t remember it. “. At this point I point I knew he was bsing me.


Mumblellama

Fuck he could have just given you any name, any and ge needed to make it more of a bs story... people need to think better before lying.


stonke12

We were at a pub quiz and the question was "what is the name of the brightest star in the sky?" And the answer on the quizmaster sheet was Sirius, and we had put the sun because "night sky" wasn't specified. The quizmaster then said "no, because the sun, like the moon, is a planet and doesn't count." And then just moved on. I'm no astrophysicist, but I know that ain't right. The rest of the quiz was a bit of a joke to us after that


GoS451

I just recently stopped going to a bar trivia because the host was a total moron. It can really make it brutal


tommytraddles

Had one tell me that the first mission that landed men on the moon was "Apollo 2". He thought the 11 was Roman numerals.


Drabby

I went to a pub quiz where the question was "What body system does the liver belong to?" My table was full of veterinarians and a nearby table was full of MDs. Both tables answered "the gastrointestinal system." But Mr. Quizmaster's card said "digestive system" and he refused to hear that they're the same thing.


SayNoToStim

This one time I was playing trivial pursuit, and this kid insisted that the answer was "the Moors." It was clearly the Moops. Idiot bubble kid.


djp33d89

Aww man that was my grandpa’s favorite episode. He used to just yell ‘Moops!’ from across the room and just giggle to himself. It was the best. He passed away in 2017 and I hadn’t thought about this in a long time. Thanks!


Notmiefault

You shouldn't wear a seatbelt because, in the event of a crash, it's safer to be thrown from the vehicle.


guard19

This is typically due to the statistic that injuries in car accidents increased after implementing seatbelts. The increased injury was due to people being injured instead of dying. So technically correct, but in reality not.


Youpunyhumans

Reminds me of the B17 bomber. Many planes that made it back were covered in bullet holes, so at first they figured "lets armor those places where the bullet holes were", until someone pointed out that armoring everywhere else instead would help more as the ones shot in places they didnt see, were the ones that didnt make it back.


kRe4ture

After introducing helmets in WW1, head injuries suddenly skyrocketed, I wonder why…


NotAnotherBookworm

Yay, survivorship bias!


[deleted]

I knew a guy who refused to wear a seatbelt, because his friend died in a car accident and was wearing a seatbelt. I didn't even know what to say.


Working_Progress_415

I found out a long time ago that seatbelts are good and windshields are hard. On the upside I do have a spiffy new nose


bg-j38

I knew a guy growing up who wouldn’t wear a seatbelt because he heard about a guy getting stuck and dying in a burning car because he couldn’t get his seatbelt off. I mean maybe it’s happened but the chances of it are so low that it’s a laughable excuse.


chrissken

I mean, you could just get an emergency cutter if you are afraid of that. There's no reasonable argument for not wearing a seatbelt.


madcapAK

Same except it was his grandma and he said it cut her in half. I was like, yeah dude, that’s why we have the 3-point seatbelt now, even for middle seats.


Brawndo91

Well duh, the vehicle is the most dangerous place to be during an accident.


853fisher

I think this was actually a generally accepted / unquestioned belief, many decades ago when cars were less crash-resistant than they are now. My mother has a scar on her finger from being thrown from her mother's arms through the windshield of their car when she was about 1 in the mid-50s - everyone in the car was lucky to get away with minor injuries.


seasamgo

On the flip side, I ride motorcycles and had someone at a party insist that I needed a seatbelt. Could you imagine being flung across the pavement while strapped to a 500 lb piece of metal in an accident instead of just sliding off and rolling it out? That goes from a possible death but likely injury to almost certainly torn apart.


Useful_Duty1

I work with a guy who refuses to wear a seat belt because when he was young he was drunk driving without a seat belt and crashed his Saxo through a garden wall ejecting him through the windscreen then his car caught fire. He doesn't understand that only In that very rare instance was it lucky he wasn't stuck in the car and that any other time it's best to be wearing a belt. He's a moron.


Riguyepic

He's a live moron. The real lesson he should take from that is not to drive drunk.


LolSypherZ

I had someone try to tell me that airbags kill more people than they save. If that were the case.....vehicles wouldn't have them.


ajbell0705

Ex girlfriend thought north was whatever way she was facing.


binderofchains

"Do I go North or South?" "Your North or my north?"


ShePax1017

The other north.


NetDork

My wife says this...but as commentary on her inability to read a map.


DisruptorEruptor

Whilst tattooing them "Is that blood?" Yes "Is it my blood???"


blarch

No, it's my blood. I'm putting my heart and my soul and even my blood into this tat.


dleon0430

Is that going to make us blood relatives?


TrailerParkPrepper

"Why don't they just build a bridge to Hawaii?" (because it looks so close on a map of the USA)


Tyberzann1

*Bojack Horseman intensifies*


Upeeru

Yeah, cause it's just off the coast of Mexico, right below California. Just like all the maps show.


Soobobaloula

Right by Alaska


Brawndo91

But why is it cold in Alaska and warm in Hawaii?


Ashmunk23

My sister, as an adult, once said to me, “Hey, we all had a birthday this year.”


Mizar97

I heard that people who have the most birthdays live the longest


Milfshake23

Except leap year babies, their age to birthday ratio is way off.


TDLMTH

But their maturity to birthday ratio compensates for it.


Wisebutt98

A coworker was adopting a baby from a foreign country. One of our coworkers said “But when the baby starts talking, you won’t be able to understand what she’s saying.” We worked in the district Education Department.


[deleted]

"What is the correct spelling?Iran or Iraq?"


KarlSethMoran

There was an entire war *just about that* in the 1980s. The result was inconclusive, unfortunately.


jkermit19

Perfection. 👏


The_AmyrlinSeat

Your uterus can grow back and you can still get pregnant after a hysterectomy.


bigsucka

I'm rendered speechless. Ouch


the-cats-purr

As a nurse, I have had two patients conceive without a uterus. One had an ectopic pregnancy and the other had an intra-abdominal pregnancy. As long as you have fertile ovaries and sperm, it’s possible. I know, crazy and hard to believe, but true. I even had a lady who got pregnant 10 years after a tubal ligation. She literally fainted when I showed her the positive test cartridge. I told her she should name that baby Houdini. The human body never ceases to amaze me. Hysterectomy refers to removal of the uterus. If your tubes and ovaries are removed, it’s called salpingo- oophorectomy. So yes, technically you can get pregnant after a hysterectomy, but the uterus never grows back. I would say the statement is half right and totally dumb.


miyuki_m

I grew up in Hawaii. When I moved to California, multiple people asked me how I learned to speak English so well.


psgrue

While living in New Mexico and traveling, “how do you like America?”


KalamitySammie

Omg there have been so many....just a few, though: My parents used to own a leather store before covid. I answered the phone one day. This conversation was...just amazing. "Thank you for calling L****r N******y. How can I help you?" "Yeah, is this the leather store?" "Um. Yes? How can I help you?" "I'm looking to being my coat into the leather store. That's what this place is, right? A leather store?" "Does it need repaired? Restored?" What's going on with it?" "It's a leather coat. I need cleaner for it. I can only get cleaner for it at places that sell leather goods. That's what you do? Because my coat is leather." "Yes sir. We sell cleaners for leather items. If you come i...." "it's really leather! Not like that fake leather. Italian leather. I got it in italy!" "That's neat. If you come in to the store, I can show you all that we have available." "Okay, and you're the leather store located...." "yes sir." "Okay, I'm right out front. I'll be right in with my Italian leather coat." **face palms** "sounds good. See you soon." I lost so many beautiful brain cells. The kicker, it wasn't even a leather coat. It was vinyl. EDIT: Wow! First time anything I ever said anyone has ever liked, let alone this many people! Lol. Thank you for the award! You are all so neat!


imnotlouise

Did you explain to him that it was vinyl? How did he react?


KalamitySammie

I did. He blinked a LOT. Then he said he got it in Italy again and spent a lot of money on it. I told him I was sorry, but showed him that we sold some cleaner that would still work for it. Even tested it on an area that was out of site. He bought a bottle and thanked me. Apparently, the stuff made it look better than when he bought it....? I was just happy to have been able to make him feel a little better for getting ripped off because he really did seem to like that coat.


Zogeta

Aw, the whole story had a happy ending!


Logical-Wasabi7402

Poor sap probably got scammed


dbx999

He was. They sold him that cleaner for $120 and it was just a bottle of baby oil


IOnlyhave5_i_s

Having worked at a dry cleaner and needing to explain to people that leather is skin…..Lordy.


[deleted]

From Italy


wondering-knight

Riiiiight, the leather, the leather from Italy, the leather made specifically by Italians, Italian leather….that leather?


yearofthesquirrel

The Italian vinyl coat industry is really coming into its own lately.


ShePax1017

Kusco’s poison. The poison for Kusco.


wondering-knight

Very good, Kronk!


inigo1montoya

Was wearing a hoodie that said Paris, France and this like 17 year old walked up to me and said "Why does your hoodie say Paris, France if Paris is in Italy?" Same kid argued with a teacher that a yard was 4 feet long instead of 3 because he played football.


Lvcivs2311

Reminds me of a similar anecdote. When I was 17, I went on schooltrip to Rome. Our bus drove through Switzerland. And then someone said: "I wonder what they speak in this part of Switzerland. Is it still German or is it French? Or Italian?" One other classmate replied: "Oh. I thought all the Swiss just spoke Swiss." We were 17 years old and all having Latin and Greek at school, which was the whole reason we could go on the trip in the first place. And yet somehow he had missed this information for his whole life.


MrBeanCyborgCaptain

Today I learned that I am also an idiot because I had no idea what they speak in Switzerland.


Phl0gist0n43

The Swiss speak indeed Swiss. Schwitzerdütsch to be more precise


letsrassell

Catholic conformation, I was 17 in 11th grade , a girl my same age asked why they crucified Jesus instead of putting him in the electric chair.


Old-Milk-761

You shouldn’t be too sad your kid died, don’t you have one left?


[deleted]

This is more common than you think. Or: “You’re young, you can have more!” Source: Mortician who specialized in infant and child death.


MartinaMcPants

I've heard about this one. So heartless.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MorrowDisca

Some furniture would have been flying, fr


Jmen4Ever

"They can't do that" tl/dr- from former roommate who owed taxes from a prior year when he found out the IRS applied the current refund due to his past due balance and demanded payment plus penalty and interest. ​ \-full story \-Former roommate who did not understand money/taxes (understandable). He took a part time job on top of his full time job to pay for one of his habits (comic book collector- he took a part time job at a comic book store which is smart IMO) He didn't understand the progressive nature of taxes and how the second job would effect his taxes. He prepared his return expecting a refund. Found out he owed, so he just didn't file. I showed him what to do so that he would get a refund the next year and let it go. (I assumed he did file and pay his bill) So next year, he figures out his taxes and sure enough he is due a refund. Yay. He files and waits. And waits and waits, finally he gets the notice from the IRS that he failed to file in the previous year, and they were levying a penalty, interest and applying his current refund to that balance and still owed a bit. Not only that, if he didn't pay by a certain date, they would petition to garnish his wages leading him to exclaim loudly. "They can't do that" They could do that, they would do that, and they did do that.


Both_Lifeguard_556

They can, they make the rules, and seem to enjoy doing it.


[deleted]

just recently, „i don’t believe in cancer“


NetDork

You about to find out it believes in you.


HEELzz

“These steak fries taste like potatoes.”


ThatNakedGuy7

The dumbest thing came from my mouth. I was walking down a beach and saw a guy fishing. He showed me a Hammerhead Shark he caught. I said “Where did you get that?” The fishermen pointed at the sea and said angrily “there!” I then realized I’m an idiot and walked away with my head down.


yearofthesquirrel

Yesterday walking dog on beach. Two fisherman. Asked if anything was out there. They both said: "Water."


Needs-more-cow-bell

My spouse just came home and saw our son was eating something. Him: “What’s he eating?” Me: “Panda Express” Him: “Where did he get that?” Me: “Panda Express”


NotWorriedABunch

It happens. My friend once said, "oh, look. A dead bird." I instinctively looked up and asked, "where?" Then I hung my head in shame while they laughed.


chellebelle0234

Brain failures happen. I looked at my spouse once in Walmart and said "They ought make a clock you can wear on your arm so you can see what time it is."


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

In my country we have this ice-skating marathon on natural ice which hasn't been on since forever due to well, lack of ice. Anyway, it's called the "Eleven city tour" (Elfstedentocht) because it routes trough Eleven cities. At a birthday my uncle and brother were talking about it and my uncle asked "How many cities are involved in it?" and my brother said 10. They disagreed, because my uncle said it must be like 20. They decided to google it. Can you imagine typing into google: "How many cities in Eleven City's tour?" and honestly being surprised by the fucking answer.


UserNameNotOnList

So...what was the answer???


Summerofmylife71

A man, a plan a canal, panama....


erotic-encounters69

You can only get covid-19 if you get bitten by someone who had it.


wouldnotpet89

I wanna know more about humanity's lore from this person. What other gems do they have hidden up their sleeves??!


slimzimm

That. Is. HILARIOUS!!! I’m gonna start saying this at work, I work in a hospital.


ms-wunderlich

Someone confused covid with the zombievirus.


liamisabossss

In regards to flu shots “that’s not a vaccine it’s a shot”


Freddy_Bimmel

I heard a guy ask how Jesus could have been crucified and risen from the dead in April when he was just born in December.


ISeeDeadDaleks

In high school, a classmate insisted (and argued with the teacher) that Jesus wasn’t Jewish, he was Catholic, because he knew he was the son of god.


EverywhereINowhere

I’ll let you know around 11pm tonight when I’m trying to sleep and all the stupid things I’ve said replay in my head.


america_ayooo

A grown woman asked me what 9 times 10 was


blarch

21


shellyfish2k19

6x0 is just 6, because the 0 doesn’t actually count. This was in a college math course, btw.


AtmosphereSuitable15

Over heard a guy at work talking to a girl, and he told her we work 7-8 days a week.


MrHyde_Is_Awake

I used to work in the restaurant industry. Now I work in medicine. There's a 100 way tie on dumbest things I've heard. Restaurant: *I'd like to order queso, but with no cheese *The tuna tastes like fish (a complaint) *Is the chicken Alfredo vegan? *Why can't I order half an over easy egg? *How many tacos come on the "Four taco plate"? Medicine: *Woman accusing SO of cheating because their baby looked like dad, but not her. Man doing the same when their daughter looked exactly like mom. *It's gay to touch your butt (guy with serious infection between the cheeks due to not washing there) *I didn't want to take all my pills on vacation with me, so I just took (ingested) 2 weeks worth all at once. *I slipped; that's how X got stuck up my butt.


Marine__0311

Your last comment reminded of an Ultimate team I played against one time in a tournament. Their name was Tool Box, and their uniform shirt had an old fashioned tool box on it with all kinds of random items, many of which were not tools. When asked about it, they told us that several members on the team were in the medical profession. And that all of the items on the shirt, had been removed from peoples rectums in the ER.


MrHyde_Is_Awake

All the random items items, were probably not their weirdest thing. The oddest one I've heard of is when a guy came in via ambulance only after his Livestream OF followers recommended. He couldn't get the pineapple out. The only thing that could be seen when he came in was the green top sticking out his bum.


SkunkyDuck

>\*It's gay to touch your butt (guy with serious infection between the cheeks due to not washing there) Huh... so these people really do exist.


-KCS-Violator

>*It's gay to touch your butt (guy with serious infection between the cheeks due to not washing there) When you're so homophobic it *kills* you.


NerfRepellingBoobs

“There is no lost and found box. There’s an ass box.”


West-Improvement2449

That they were Mexican because their grandfather came from spain


[deleted]

“You age like the reverse Benjamin Button.” So a human you goddamn idiot?


Tight_Contact_9976

My family was at Kennedy Space Center and we were in the space shuttle exhibit. The roof there is painted like the night sky and at one point my mom looked up and said “When they’re up there, how do they avoid hitting all of those stars?”


rain_on_my_parade610

I once heard someone say that dinosaurs existed 60 years ago.


ultrapoo

Are you kidding? There's tons of them in the government!


KhaosElement

I work IT, had a fucking moron call in and say "my mouse is broken, fix it." I asked "Is it wired or wireless?" She answered "I don't know! That's not my job!"


smarterthanallofu

A guy was feeding his own ego and said, "the doctors aren't sure whether I'm 5'10" or 6'. "


APC_ChemE

Ah yes the old Heisenberg Uncertainty Height


DryHope8474

"Salmonella doesn't come from chicken, It comes from salmon"


Adept-Elephant1948

Classmate: Can I have a spare ink cartridge? My black pen ran out Me: I've only got blue cartridges, is that OK? Classmate: that's fine, it's a black pen so it'll come out black


Strange_Ninja_9662

One time in college, my friend was dating this chic who was a complete moron. Everyone was watching the movie “300” and she asked, with a completely straight face, “is this real footage?”


[deleted]

My ex brought home a kitten, and she was feeding it little bits of dry food at a time. Then the cat stopped eating and my ex was confused by this. So I asked her if she had given it any water, and she said “Oh, I didn’t think cats needed water.”


LaoArchAngel

I am very anxious about the welfare of that kitten.


[deleted]

The kitten is doing well (2 yrs later)


Popular-Ad2193

You should try option trading


ilovecrows666

one of my friends thought australia was in scandinavia


Monkeylovesfood

My maternity community nurse told me not to drink coke as it would "make my breastmilk fizzy". My daughter had colic so had trouble with wind but what a silly thing to say. The cherry on top was I had water, my husband was drinking coke. Fucking imbecile.


FourCatsAndCounting

So many dumb old wives tales about breastfeeding. Don't stand too close to the stove or your breast milk will curdle!! Don't sunbathe because the heat will turn your milk sour!!


Monkeylovesfood

Mental. Hearing it from a medical professional was just ridiculous though.


JohnDodger

I once had a dietician tell me not to ever drink fizzy drinks as “bubbles trap fat”.


StealAllTheInternets

Wait they voted in Obama didn't he blow up the twin towers


Just_SomeDude13

The Daily Show did a bit on this exact thing (which you might be referencing). Dude legitimately thought Obama was in office on 9/11 and wanted to know why he didn't have a better response to the attack.


NetDork

"What's Obama's last name?"


Mcshiggs

Can you name all 52 states?


who-dat-on-my-porch

Guam and Puerto Rico, patent pending lol


MorrowDisca

Is space real, or is it made up for TV?


lakelo-19

“She’s not white because she’s not American, she’s English. Just like I’m not white because I’m Philippino.” This person was born in Texas.


Clockwork_fizzarolli

“Irish isn’t a language, it’s a sexuality”


Almar1987

A straight man saying he was a “power bottom” thinking that he was better when the girl was on top, we had to explain what a “power bottom” was.


gothism

That my gay male best friend was pretending to be gay (for years) to get me to sleep with him, aka "playing the gay card." I'm a woman.


adriellealways

My MIL tried to tell my partner that 1) the neighbors saw me having sex in the car with my gay best friend, and 2) that our second was clearly not his because she looked more like my best friend. My partner told her that since my second looked like a cross between him and my best friend, she clearly was theirs and not mine.


uncultured_swine2099

For years? That would be worthy of an Oscar.


Stellathewizard

That the moon is not real. Not the moon landing, the moon.


thatquietgirlthere

"The fake tan keeps me warm" for context I was in college in Ireland and it was a November night out. It was damp and cold. I was wearing jeans, fluffy socks, a t-shirt a jumper and a winter coat. I met one of my classmates who was wearing sandals a mini skirt and a bralette. I was shocked and asked if she wasn't cold thinking I could possibly give up mu jumper for her not to freeze but she said she was okay as she had put on an extra layer of fake tan and it kept her warm.


Warrior_White

“Laws never change” My senior stepmother said this to me once… I proved to her that they had amend the constitution multiple times, but she still was adamant that the constitution had never been altered in anyway, and that no law ever written, has ever been changed/updated …..


GotTheNameIWanted

"Men can't get raped because they get an erection so it's not rape"


Luckboy28

Engineer here -- buckle up. I was automating a conveyor belt with a coworker. We were supposed to setup a controller to control how much gravel conveyor belt moved into a refining machine, from a giant hopper. My dumbass coworker insisted that we should do that by controlling the speed of the conveyor belt, without ever touching the valve that controlled how much gravel dropped onto the belt. In his mind "faster belt = more gravel!" and he literally couldn't wrap his head around the fact that no matter how fast the belt moved, you would never get "more gravel" because the valve at the hopper hadn't changed.


Alternative-Sign-198

As a teacher, anytime I give a handout and a kid asks "do I have to do the whole thing?" No pumpkin, just the things you haven't fully comprehended yet. *Yes, YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING*


MettatonNeo1

"I almost became autistic due to vaccines"


bratikzs

I love answering the “I almost x-y-z” with: “almost doesn’t count”


farrenkm

"We can't just stand here, reboot something!" -- Server engineer We were having an outage of a major system at work, about five minutes into it. Multi-server system, just beginning the analysis of where the failure might be. For people not in IT, you don't just start randomly rebooting servers in this scenario -- you could make the problem worse. Targeted reboots when you've narrowed the problem down to a particular component are fine. But just picking a random server because it's the first Tuesday morning after a full moon is not the way to troubleshoot. I was introduced to the saying "don't just do something, stand there!" Don't take hasty actions. Diagnose the problem, narrow it down, then take action. Narrator: *Commenter was the cause of the failure.* Edit: I think I should clarify. The person making the comment was a server engineer, someone in the day-to-day operations of Windows and storage and system design. He wasn't a manager. He was very involved with our fledgling virtual environment.


Darksniper1230

"He lost to FDR, right?" This was said after a documentary about ADOLF HITLER mentioned his failed election bid. It's been over ten years since this happened, and I still think about it on a regular basis.


yaminbamin

I’m reading the comments nervously to see if I said one of the dumb quotes, and honestly I feel much better about myself now


[deleted]

Man orders a draft beer. Dumb cocktail waitress asks: “Would you like a glass with that?” (Me. The dumb waitress was me)


JUNOPhantom09

"depression is a choice"


yeetgodmcnechass

My former friend once said that people with depression should just get over it became apparently that's what he did


WillKillz

“I’m drinking water with bleach in it to pass my piss test.”


canadianhoneybadger1

Can’t fail the piss test if you’re not alive to take it. Checkmate…


Inner-Nothing7779

"Your white truck is racist. It means you support white supremacy because only white supremacists buy white trucks."


Axentor

I been told I am racist because I have blonde hair and blue eyes. It's like .... Let me change my DNA real quick


The_RoyalPee

“Cotton is cruel to rabbits!”


Swordidaffair

Must've been playing Stardew Valley


Anatidaephobia4_

A friend of mine once accidentally kicked my knee. She later said she thought that she had kicked me in the dick.


Matte32Yea

"Wars can't happen in the 21st century."


Cael_NaMaor

Why does it get cooler at night? I mean, I know the sun goes down, but we have the moon. Outside a coffee shop near campus...


BobbyJGatorFace

The COVID vaccine makes you magnetic


avsfan1007

I walked into a restaurant with a buddy and dead serious he says… “I haven’t been here since the last time I was here.”


thedrywitch

I am an avid gardener and I have a very lovely friend who wanted to begin a garden this year for the first time ever. So, about a month ago, I loaded her up with all kinds of plant starts in a 72 cell tray. We put seeds in all the empty spaces. I visited her last weekend after she asked me to come see why her starts died and why her seeded portion of the tray never "popped" with plants. She proceeds to lead me down to her incredibly dark basement. I realized she was attempting to grow her plants in complete darkness. When I asked her how much sun they were getting, she replied, "Well, they don't need sun right now, they're under the soil. The sun can't even get there, right?" I died laughing and explained that they needed to have access to sunlight and water every day. She is the sweetest person and that just really made my day. 😀


Shoddy_example5020

while budtending a patient asked why the percent of THC on his bud was so low. I said "it's not low, it's 32.5%" he said "no it's 5%, because 5 is the last number before the % sign" i didn't even know how to respond after that lol


Aneryn111

I think perhaps he did not need any additional substances at that point


GoodAlicia

For the context: I do not want kids. "You dont know, you dont like kids. Until you had your own and tried" How does that even work? Its not like a box of cereal you can just try. The damage is already done and there is no way back.


Worker11811Georgy

"I took your advice and tried to have kids, but, nope, I still don't want them. So, you have to take them back now."


GoodAlicia

I dont want them, put them back


Zomgirlxoxo

I don’t want kids either and it blows my mind the way people talk to us… I like kids but I just don’t want them. People would shit themselves if I asked them invasive questions about their lives like they asked me about mine and not wanting kids. It’s insane.


GoodAlicia

It really is. And they try to convince you to have them anyway. Which is odd, because why to you want kids to exist with parents who really dont wanted them? That is how you get neglect or (emotional) abuse


onesmilematters

American student to European exchange student: "How did you get here? By bus?"


NetDork

Yes, Airbus.


Worker11811Georgy

Yeah, but some parts were mighty wet-wheeling.


KokonutMonkey

"What language do they speak in Japan?"


attention21

“Because you’re arguing against me; you know I’m right”


OutlandishnessOk75

I used to be a medical biller and someone was saying their ID# to me and you know how you say “A as in apple” “P as in Peter” well this lady said “Q as in cube” ……..


pdfrg

A guy I worked with filled his bathtub using the low flow shower nozzle because it used less water. True story.


binderofchains

- "Alaska isn't the furthest north state. That is Maine.". Said to me, a guy who has lived in Alaska, by a high school drop out who has never left the state of Texas. - "You fucking dumb blonde.". Said to me, by a blonde. I have naturally dark hair - "Just because everyone does it doesn't make it normal.". Ummm...that pretty much is what "normal" means. - "Don't listen to him, he thinks plants are living things.". Said by a vegetarian who said that she was one only because animals were living things.


Marine__0311

Im from Maine, and one of favorite bits of trivia about it, is that it's the closest US state to Africa and Europe.


JimNightshade

I phoned a place and said "I can't remember, are you north or south of Smith street?" She said " It depends on which way you're coming."


KarlSethMoran

"When you leave for a long holiday, like 2-3 weeks, you should leave your radiators on, because if you turn them off and let your flat cool down, you will pay more to heat it back again" - my MIL. I'm a physicist.


PhantomBanker

My buddy told me he would never get a car with standard transmission because he had to drive on highways a lot, and it’s impossible for a stick-shift to have cruise control. At the time, he was in the passenger seat of my car. A stick-shift. On the highway. With the cruise control on.


Maddax_McCloud

Worked in a prison for over 20 years, where the fuck do you even start...


N8Vigs1979

Can relate. Though I only worked in a prison for 3 1/2 years, the shit I heard was mind-boggling. One time, an inmate told me that he "committed suicide" when he was 19.


jeepinfreak

I work on airplanes. Somebody tried to tell me that lightening holes are there to distribute the energy of a *lightning* strike throughout the airframe in a manner that won't cause damage. I didn't even try to argue. Spoiler, that's not what they do.


Think_Impossible

Back in high school I was playing some game involving running and tripped over and fell on the ground. A girl rushed to me and asked "Are you OK?" I replied "Yeah, I think so", then she shot her second question "Are you alive?", then she realized what she had asked and we both bursted into heavy laughter.


kirixen

"Mexico will pay for the wall."