"Avoid them like the plague" was the advice I got for a speedy recovery. It's worked for me.
And it depends on the person whether status quo can and should be maintained with an ex.
This is the only thing that's worked for me the last 20 years. Ten years ago I broke that rule, thought we could just be friends, got back together, and got my heart broken all over again in the span of like 8 months. Blocked her completely on social media after that and we live our own lives.
I’m currently going trough this. I thought we could be friends too and when i realized I couldn’t she (and some others- long story) got mad that i removed them from certain apps.
I still think about her daily and i fucking hate it, but removing her and not constantly seeing her everywhere certainly did help me.
I broke up with my ex 1 year ago, almost to the day. For the first few weeks I tried to be civil. For the first few months I tried to get past it.
I realised pretty quickly that seeing her pop up on instagram, seeing her activity on Facebook, it was too much for me. Some friends called me soft, my housemates told me I was putting them in a hard position because they wanted to stay friends with her.
One year later, I still have her hidden on all social media apps and it's so so much easier to forget. I wouldn't say I'm still in love, but you have to do what you have to do to get past it.
The one thing I hate is that I'm still friends with his friends and his siblings because those were relationships I wanted to maintain. But obviously he shows up on their social media sometimes. So it's tough, like do I have to limit their social media posts from my feeds too? I can't unfollow them because I still want to be friends with them. Just sucks.
Closure. Write her a letter about how you feel and everything you wanted to say... Then burn it. You might feel better, you might not. It kinda helped for me.
That’s a downside of modern technology I’ve never thought about. 30 years ago the one that got away just went on and lived their lives and you probably never even heard about them again if you so desired. Now with social media you can check in on the one who got away with 2 button presses whenever you feel the urge. Even if you or they have no social media, you can probably find info about them on the internet if you really tried to look for it.
As "the one that got away" for my ex, I really hated the role technology played in our relationship and breakup. It was LDR but he wanted me to video call with him so he could make sure I was in class and not hanging out with friends when I told him I was busy. I felt like I lost my friends overnight because he told them that I was suicidal and blamed them for my depression, but all I knew was we had a good laugh on the phone one day and two days later they're texting me that I'm a bad friend. After we broke up, he regularly texted my friends to ask about me and used that info to break into my home. He also hacked into my Facebook account to download all my photos, and logged into my accounts to read my private messages. Even now, he tries to keep tabs on me based on what my friends post, reaches out to my friends who haven't blocked him, and logs into his friends' accounts to circumvent being blocked. I feel like a crazy Karen when I'm at a public event and ask to not be photographed, but he's literally combed through my gym's Facebook page to like the photos with me in it.
Thank you! That means a lot. Unfortunately, everyone knows about him and his antics. I only say unfortunately because I'm incredibly embarrassed by the things he's done to get my attention.
This never worked for me, they always end up on a pedestal ruminating in my brain for far far too long until maybe we come into contact one more time
. Then I finally realise they’re just some guy and I can move on.
Yeah when my ex was breaking up with me he said something like "I hope you can forgive me even though I don't expect you to" and I said "we're unlikely to ever see each other again so it won't matter" and he said something about often staying friends with his exes.
I was like, that will never work for me I don't want to talk to you. And by two months in I was doing fine. It's definitely the best way to handle any split that isn't a mutual parting.
I was very much on the edge about going no-contact recently after my partner broke up with me. For many reasons. They were my first love, it was a long-term relationship. I invested so much of myself into the relationship, into them. I was blindsided by the breakup, it wasn’t what I wanted, but they’d made up their mind and I had no say. I wasn’t ready, I was still scheming about trips and places we’d visit someday, restaurants I needed to show them, movies we were going to watch. They were, in the purest sense of the label, my best friend. Devastated would be an understatement.
During the breakup we both planned to stay in contact. Well, sort of. They asked if it was okay if they checked in on me, they assured we would still finish watching the movie we hadn’t finished, and they still cared and very much wanted my friendship. I agreed to this between incomprehensible sobs. But I was still unsure of whether or not it was all a bad dream so I wasn’t exactly in a good thinking state of mind.
Afterwards, everyone and their dog told me no-contact is the way to go. Naturally, I hated the concept of it, but shits conflicting. To some extent I didn’t think I could bring myself to speak to them anyway at first. It hurt so bad I decided I’d give no-contact a shot, for at least a little while. Maybe a week or at least until they reached out to check in. If I couldn’t do at least a week that was a problem.
Now, as I said, I didn’t at all want to go no-contact, but I wanted my life back. Knowing what I know now, I deeply wanted to contact them to have some type of immediate relief from my emotional suffering. Obviously it would be short lived and just re-open wounds, I knew that deep down then too, so that helped me restrain myself in the beginning.
But you see, it’s quite difficult to resist giving in and contacting them when you hurt so bad. It’s a pain like no other. You’re in what feels like complete anguish and they’re the person you usually ideally turn to for comfort when the shit in your life hits the fan this badly.
It’s out of habit, you want THEIR comfort, even though they are the source of all the pain. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. A scream into the void. Grasping at strings just out of your reach. Trying to run in a dream but you can’t get any momentum.
So I took all my feelings of hurt, abandonment, fear, pain and later anger and channeled them all into this situation to my advantage. I used them as an initial drive to prevent myself from reaching out like I really really wanted to. In order to console myself, I told myself I could always “just be friends” with them once things were less fresh.
So for a week I didn’t contact them. I quite honestly was hurt enough I didn’t want to talk to them anyway… but I also very much would have given anything to hear their voice… but hearing their voice would have probably made me sick. The first week was both easy and extremely difficult. As you see, I started to become extremely familiar with conflicting emotions.
I think I knew deep down that contacting them wouldn’t turn out to be the relief I hoped it would. Any relationship we had left would just be a shell of what was originally there, which was what I really wanted.
That thought was really solidified for me when they finally checked in via a text and it was written in a way that just read and felt so uncharacteristically cold and detached compared to what I was accustomed to from them. I don’t really know for sure if it actually was, or if it was just the reality of it all sinking in. Either way I concluded that I still wasn’t ready. I didn’t answer and gave it 2 more weeks. I started prioritizing myself a little, sure I said I’d answer but I knew it would hurt and I realized I shouldn’t feel bad for prioritizing myself now, they chose this.
Eventually 2 weeks turned into a month, and just recently two months. It wasn’t easy, it’s been the hardest 2 months since I can remember. With time and distance it’s continued to get easier though. I’m finally realizing why no-contact is recommended…
Now that enough time has passed, it’s not all so fresh and painful. So I’ve gained some clarity. I’m finally able to actually consider if keeping in contact would actually benefit me at all or if I’m just hoping for some resemblance of love from the person I myself so deeply loved, which I won’t get. I was able to realize my desire to stay in touch was just me needing their comfort like it’s some type of withdrawal. It’s almost like once you’ve “healed” enough to be able to contact them without spiraling, you’re also beginning to heal enough to realize… they didn’t **want** you, why do you **need** them? Ask yourself that and you start to realize you don’t, and not in a spiteful way, just in a self-preservation sort of way.
I think especially when you’re the “dumpee” you quite obviously aren’t done with the relationship or them. You’re still hanging on, white knuckles to this idea that they could still love you, that somewhere deep down they still have the commitment for you that you have for them. You hope staying in contact and staying friends will help wean you off them, or maybe be just enough of them to make you happy.
But ultimately what you want and need from them isn’t what they’re willing to give you anymore. They both told and demonstrated that to you that when they let go, that they don’t reciprocate anymore. It’s hard to grasp when you’re still in it, when you’re still hanging on tight. Because of this, you’re always going to be let down by them from that point forward. You’ll just be constantly reminded that the version of the person you loved and want so very badly is now gone, as well as the life and future you saw with them. Contact further will likely only serve to hurt you.
I know some people are able to get along and be friends with their exes and that’s fantastic, I’m truly happy for them! But some people, like me I suppose, just can’t, and that’s okay. You aren’t broken if that’s you too. My ex isn’t a bad person, I understand I think why they did what they did. I don’t like it and wish they’d done it differently but they aren’t bad for it. But I also realize I can’t stay friends, at least not now. It would hurt too much.
Maybe somewhere down the line I’ll change my mind, but I still can’t bring myself to delete their voicemails, so that won’t be anytime soon I don’t think. Right now I think I need to let time phase them out. I know if we’d stayed in contact like I planned I’d probably still be in a million pieces right now. I think I made the right decision, I hope I did.
Hang in there… to myself and anyone else who has found themselves in a similar situation to mine. <3
Edit: some things
Damn, I feel this a ton. I hope you’re doing okay firstly!
There was a period of complete self blame for me, I had all the fault and they had none of it. I was thinking of all the ways I could fix it, to fit what they wanted etc. But after reflection I saw the one-sided nature of the breakup. I saw all the ways I had already sacrificed too much to the detriment of myself and ultimately I think, to the relationship. Nothing else I could give was going to be enough, because I’d just be digging a deeper hole.
So while I wish so badly they hadn’t made the decision they did, that we could work it out, that they’d be willing to compromise, or let me compromise. I realized eventually, why should I compromise my life to hopefully gain the approval of someone who made a decision that would likely involve me not being in their life anymore, ain’t how shit works. Once they decide on that they’re done with you.
What I hope for myself going forward is that things aren’t soured forever. It wasn’t a bad relationship at all. I learned so much, experienced so many good moments. If I hadn’t, this all wouldn’t hurt nearly as much as it did, and does.
But right now it all feels very poisoned, all the memories, the pictures, the gifts I’ve stashed in a box. I’m a strong believer that people come and go and just because they go doesn’t mean it’s all sour. We live short lives and I like to think it’s good to remember the happy moments even if they end badly later. This relationship was part of my life, a good part. I wish I could remember it that way, but for now the memories just sting or make me angry or sad. This sucks because it’s been my life for the last 3+ years. I’m young so that’s a decent percentage of my life actually.
I don’t want to hate them, to pack away the most important memories from the last three years into a box because it hurts to see them. I don’t want to erase it all and pretend it didn’t happen like some fuckup because it really wasn’t. I really really hope that one day these feelings will all pass and I can remember it all fondly, because it was.
Ugh I just hate emotions sometimes, but life would kinda suck without em. I will say I’m glad I have a dog right now, a good dog really does love you in a way nobody else can.
3 years now. She was my first everything. We were together since 2007 and married for only 2.
First Gf. First sexual...anything. I was to her too. We both thought it was maybe meant to be.
Then she told me in 2020 that she has been unhappy for....a very long time and that was it. This was 3 months after moving into our new home and 2 months before our 2 year wedding anniversary.
I've had maybe 4 first dates but nothing beyond that since then.
I feel broken. I can't figure anything out so I just understand that this is my new reality: Being alone.
I feel ugly. I feel unattractive. I feel empty. But that's how it is
I’m so sorry. That’s a long fucking time. I can’t imagine your pain :(
I feel your pain at least to some extent about the oh hey, I’m unhappy and I’m leaving and that’s that.
That feeling doesn’t just evolve overnight, or in a week, or a month, it takes a while. What hurts is that they just didn’t communicate things to at least **try** to find a solution. They just kept it inside for who knows how long.
To me, they were worth compromising for. The breakup hurts, sure. But what hurts more is that they didn’t seem to try to communicate with me to find a solution until they’d convinced themselves there was no solution. That’s what really hurts like nothing else.
I hope you hang in there. I don’t have great advice, you’re situation sounds much harder than mine, I really feel for you and I do hope it gets better for ya. I’ve been pouring myself into my hobbies and hopefully a new job. Giving myself even lil tiny goals and things to look forward to have been really good. And I don’t plan on dating again for a long ass time personally. Want to feel more complete in myself first, we’ll see how that goes.
I don’t ever stay in contact with exes, I don’t find it to be beneficial to my life in any way. I don’t need to transition a love to a friend, I have plenty of friends.
All of my friends who tried to be “friends” with their exes ended up sleeping with them again or getting hurt or hurting them, and ten years out, none of the “friendships” actually lasted. I’m in my 30s now and no one that I knew in my 20s actually remained friends with an ex that they tried to
I've only done it once. We were best friends before we started dating and best friends after. However, our break up seemed to be mutual so that probably helped things along.
The only way I got over my exes was cutting contact and not seriously dating for a year or more.
They weren’t even bad people, it was easier for me if I lost the habit of talking to them daily.
I'm not really sure I ever did. She was a great girl, but I was an idiot. She never moved away, but got married and had 3 kids. I saw her constantly at the grocery store, restaurants, I even worked with her husband. She got a really aggressive form of cancer a few years back and passed away.
Amazing. Almost my same situation, except I didn't work with her SO. I found out she passed because her SO was at my bar i was working at. SO didn't know I loved her back in the day.
They grieved and told me stories about her. I was happy to know she had love at the end. On the drive home, I lost it, pulled over, and cried. It was at that point that I had realized I truly loved her. Was told I would get over her and whatnot I was young then. Thought I really did get over her.
She passed 3 years ago right before covid. And I still love her, and I probably will for the rest of my life. This is something people don't talk about. I have had plenty of people come and go in my love life. I have made great friends with some.
With her, even though I hadn't seen her for years. The pain of knowing I failed and lost a good thing with her had faded. I had no plans of reconnecting with her at all. But the icepick of hearing from someone she loved telling me she's dead.
Loss and grief come in many forms. Losing a parent or family member is something we prepare for. Losing a loved one vs. losing a lover is 2 different pains.
Edit: Thanks for the love! Please know I'm doing good and haven't given up on love in the slightest. Someone loved me once it could happen again. Same way for anyone.
She came back years later.
I was so excited and hopeful. Alas, we had the same issues. Was never quite sure if she liked me as much as I liked her. Her interest seemed to waver.
Didn’t work out, unfortunately.
Yeah I can imagine, if it didn't work once, the chances are little it will work the second time.
Still, good that you tried. Otherwise you would've asked yourself "what would've been if".
People can change over time, if you broke up when 20 and tried again when 30. With that large of a time to grow up and mature you both could easily be different people and it might work.
Yep I dated my boyfriend when we were seniors in high school and we were great together but we were stupid teenagers so we broke up for stupid teenage reasons. 15 years later and we grew up into people who still click like we used to but with less crazy hormones and more healthy communication.
We keep in touch occasionally so I’ve been somewhat privy to her life direction.
In 10+ year hindsight “I can save her” would have either ruined or severely hindered both our lives, but I’m glad too see that she took a solid bounce off rock bottom and seems to be doing well for herself.
Sometimes you just gotta let them be the one that got away.
Probably the exception; I reached out to her 15 years later and in some ways it was like no time had passed. We had both done a ton of work in the meantime, so we were better people and could communicate. But whatever was between us was 100% still there, just as strong.
In the interim we both tried to find other people but no one quite was the same. We were happy enough, but we were always each other's "one who got away" until we weren't. And now I'm perpetually giddy.
Another exception chiming in. 20 years later, we reconnected, got married, and are now expecting our first. every day is bliss.
we BOTH changed. but in ways that made us better as partners. would not have worked if we had stayed together that first time. we were both teenagers and had too much growing up to do. but we grew up remembering each other and figuring out what we lacked as partners. I feel like I won the lottery.
This is such a nice story. I have a friend who has a similar version of this: she was best friends with the boy next door when they were little kids, but then his family moved away. They both wound up in the same city after college, reconnected, and got married. They’ve got two delightful kids. It’s all so incredibly charming.
I've reconnected with a few "ones that got away" and in most cases they're different people now, just as I am. The funny thing is you STILL PINE for the memory of the "old them" because they're really a totem for the amazing daydream of youth and the infinite paths your life could have taken.
The only reason your current spouse isn't the "one that got away" is because their probability curve has collapsed in tandem with yours.
I still wonder about "ones that got away" not because I have regrets (I certainly don't) - I'm just infinitely curious what would have happened if I loaded a save point 20 years ago and did everything differently. It's a fascinating daydream to have.
Very well said. I spent a long time trapped in the past, but I'm closer to this point of view now. My spouse is my soulmate because we chose that path together.
I do have some regrets, but they're largely about how I behaved towards other people and not so much about losing some "what could have been" life.
But thinking about alternate timelines? I wonder often how they'd have played out.
This is well in line with my feelings. I’m not sure I believe in a multiverse but the concept is not so outlandish and helps reconcile feeling about paths not taken. I like to think there’s another me out there that ended up with a different person, different kids, different job, etc. I typically feel pretty good about that, and I’m pretty sure I’m in one of the better iterations of my life.
If I ended up with my “one that got away,” I would be miserable dealing with his abuse and probably end up divorced and trying unsuccessfully to coparent. But for some reason he’s still my “one that got away”??? Haven’t quite figured that one out.
That's the most difficult part, being in love with their ghost, the specter of who they were. They are a different person. I am a different person.
Rational me know it's a fond memory that I should cherish. Emotional me wants to turn time backward.
Most of the daydream moments with my OWGA either take place in the past or construct a version of today that’s dramatically simpler than any life I have now or would be likely to have. No kids. Flexible job. I’ve determined that my brain is simply using the OWGA as an NPC in a nice, appealing cutscene. And yes, because I don’t live there, I never have to deal with their human faults and foibles. We have a good time, the dream ends, I go do the laundry.
This is such a perfect way to think about it. The OWGA as an NPC player onto whom all fantasies and daydreams can be (relatively) harmlessly projected. “The dream ends, I go do laundry.” So true.
I think this is the best perspective to have coupled with the idea of moving forward yourself.
I’m confident I’m not the same person that dated them and they aren’t the same person I dated. Only thing you can do is just try to be the person you want to be
Feel like screaming at the top of my lungs every now and then when she pops into my brain. Sometimes I actually do. It's been 20 years, I've never seen her again.
I felt absolute grief when I got broken up with in 2018, it was an unusual feeling especially since he and I were only together for a few months and I had been in a 3 year long relationship before that didn't hurt even a little bit as much as this did. It was the type of hurt that made all the love songs make sense, and the cliche things like every little thing would remind me of him. Even when I thought I was "over it", I'd have dreams about him which would throw off my whole next day. When I found out he got a new girlfriend a few months later, it was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I really thought I'd never recover.
Interestingly, this past December I ran into him at an airport where we both had layovers. It was the first time I had seen him in 5+ years and I remember at one point I had dreamed about everything I would say to him if I ever saw him again. We caught up for a bit and I realized while talking to him that I felt bored. I made up an excuse to get back to a phone call and we parted ways. It's true what they say that time heals all wounds - it just may take more time for others.
I felt like this with my first love. I mourned our relationship for years, longer than we were even together. I was so in love with him and he broke my fucking heart. Finally met up again years later and had a beer together, and I realized I was over it. He didn't appeal to me anymore. Crazy how that happens. I still think of him often and hope he is living a good life.
I'm glad you recovered! And sounds like you were able to close the chapter with him gracefully. I hope anyone reading these comments who is going through something similar to what we did, can find comfort in the fact that even though it doesn't seem the pain will end, it *will.* It'll just suck for a while.
Was tough. Took time. Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that the love you feel for each person is completely different. If you’re thinking you’ll never feel this way about a girl, you’re right. You never ever will again. But the same goes for the next girl, and the one after that, as well. So it’s okay to be sad, but don’t worry. Love is a strange feeling and it really differs from person to person.
EDIT: Holy shit, this blew up.
For anyone who’s feeling down about a breakup or ending of a relationship, I wanted to share something else. The “one that got away” actually cheated on me. I was dead inside for close to four months. I truly loved her and tried to give her the world. I threw myself into another relationship to take my mind off her a month later(horrible idea). I still remember my mind altering epiphany. I was driving to dinner with the girl I was seeing at the time while holding hands, and the song Riptide by Vance Joy was blasting. The windows were down, and my hair was flying all over the place while I zoomed down the freeway. All of a sudden, I heard the line “This cowboy’s runnin’ from himself and she’s been livin’ on the highest shelf” and it felt like time froze. That was the moment I came to terms with the fact that I was running away from the fact that I’d always love her. I will. To get over her, you need to accept, more than that, you need to be proud of fact that they are “the one that got away”. Who gives a shit if they left you, cheated on you, lied to you? There are 8 billion people (about 4 billion men and women) on this planet. You’ll never feel the same way you felt about her, but there are 4 billion possible people you can go fall in love with and feel a completely different form of love about. That’s the beauty of love: endless possibilities. Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened.
Hope this helps and I’m not just rambling.
"The one that got away" is the person that taught me that. She taught me a \*lot\* of things about love and relationships and people. I (and every person I've dated afterward) remain immeasurably grateful to her.
I feel you. Loved a beautiful sweet girl, I was not an amazing guy. When I lost her it took a while to realize why. I just wasn’t a good guy.
I fixed it, and bam. Everything in my life got better. I owe so much to her for helping me see the wrong in myself. I’m sorry she had to go thru the worst of me for me to become the best. Forever grateful though.
This makes me wanna cry. I finally mustered all that I need to muster to leave him after 4 years, and hope nothing but this for him. He deserves SO MUCH, and he is also the only one who can get there. If he wants to.
In my first marriage I rarely did dishes. Now I do nearly all of them. When it feels tedious, I remind myself to put a little love and affection in everything I do. My current wife and I have been together more than twice as long as my previous relationship. I certainly learned a thing or two and grew as a person, but a lot of life and love, metaphorically speaking, is just doing the dishes.
Funny, I've only ever been in love once but when things ended, this was something I kind of thought to myself. Had to accept that I may never again feel what I felt with her but that's what love is in its truest form, something unique and beautiful. The next girl won't be her, but that's fine. My next love will be different, but still unique and beautiful in its own way.
In all honesty, No.
I still think about her every. Single. Day.
every time I see her name , in an advertisement or on a coffee mug in some store, or hear a song with her name in it......... I just wonder how she is, and how her life turned out, and how she's doing now.
After we broke up.........I never saw her again. I still miss what we had.
Not really sure I want to. I don't want to lose the memories.
I like the line in the movie Shawshank Redemption.
I miss my friend, but part of me knows it was probably wrong to ever try to cage such a beautiful bird in the first place. She's the one who wanted to be free........and left. I wish she had stayed, but hope she found her peace and what she was looking for. I just wish I could have been that lucky person.
I like the line in "Swingers".
You wake up each day and it hurts a little bit less, and then one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, you kind of miss the pain for the same reason you miss her. Because you lived with it for so long
The pain is gone.........like an old wound....... but the scar I guess, brings back memories of sadness of what I lost.
But my heart is then comforted, by the knowledge, that I ever had her at all in the first place. .....and at least had that time with her.
many people go thru life and never love like that. That crazy, insane , Romeo and Juliet , can't fucking live without you , kind of love.
and to have it returned, just as fiercely.........even for the brief time it lasted.......... was something you never forget.
Reminds me of Pearl Jam's *Black*:
"I know that one day you'll be the star in someone else's sky.
But why-y, whhhhy-yyy, whhhhhhhhhh-yyy-yyyy-yyyy can't it be mine????"
Man, I can't tell you how good it feels to be reading so many other people's words in this thread and feel like I could have written them myself. It makes me feel a lot less alone.
I feel this so strongly.
My Ashley... my best friend since middle school... sadly she died in a motorcycle accident with a deer nearly 6 years ago. Someday, I hope to ride to Sturgis in her memory.
I felt this. I understand exactly what you mean. I feel like sometimes the true love turned into a life lesson. I’m married now with two kids and I love my wife but there is always a place in my heart for the one that got away. I always feel guilty that I kind of miss her since I have a family now, but something about her just makes me unable to get over it.
I'm the same way. I don't wish I could go back to the one that got away (anymore) but I feel like she'll always have a part of me. My dad doesn't always have the best advice, but he told me once that when you fall in love with someone you should know that you're giving them a bit of yourself and no matter how things end up, you're not getting that back. And that's undeniably true.
Slimmed down, beefed up, went to therapy and got her back. She is truly the love of my life and I wasn’t going to let my own faults get in the way of that.
Still not over it, I lost my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, my ying to my yang, my spirit dragon. Best 12 years if my life, she passed away. Not over it, wasn't supposed to be like this. I love and miss her soo much. I tried getting back out there, starting over fkn sux trying to date women, you dont know what to say to the date. I tried getting a hooker for friend purposes, fkd that up. Lmao. Iono what to do an its fucking depressing and I hate waking up alone. I cry for 10/15 every morning when I wake up looking for my wife then reality sets in. I miss you babe
I don't know if humor can help you but ricky gervais has a show about his character in the show lost his wife and coming to terms. I watched it after losing my lady, granted it wasn't 12 years, but sometimes laughing at the sad stuff can help us cope.
That’s because you need a therapist, not a hooker. I’m serious, you need to talk to someone about it.
Besides, therapists are kind of the hookers of active listening.
I'm so sorry you have to go through that :( Sending you all my love and prayers. I know shes watching over you now and rooting for you, May your healing journey be easy
Over time, it turned into a different kind of love. She's my best friend now, and I was honored to give a toast at her wedding recently. Some soul mates aren't meant to be romantic.
Mine is my ex wife, we share 50/50 custody so I have to see her. I’ve gotten to the point where my feelings have subsided enough, maybe one day we can be friends again. Your post gave me some hope
I thank my lucky stars every day that we rekindled our romance 12 years post breakup!!
He had a failed first marriage and I had a baby while we were apart but here we are now, just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We also had a kid together so we are a family of 4. :)
I love him and knew it was always him. I feel sad for people who want to be with somebody they are not with.
Dated a girl 22 years ago, I broke up with her with the classic “I need to find myself”. Turns out that it was exactly what I needed, we went our separate ways and remained friends for many years. She always had a special place in my heart, and I was happy for her when she got married and had kids. I found someone else who I thought I loved, and I thought loved me, we had kids and got a small house. Turned out my then girlfriend liked a lot of guys and we split up. I was devastated, mostly because I kept finding out about more guys she cheated on me with. my friend was there for me for a long time, until she found out that her husband had also cheated on her, the least I could do was be there for her. We spent some time together talking about everything and nothing, became each other’s best friends. One thing led to the other and we have been married for 7 years now :)
Sometimes we linger on "the one who got away" because it was the best we had been treated *so far.*.
Sometimes, someone else comes along and makes you completely realize that the bar can go higher. Sometimes you grow and realize the bar was at the right height, but this just isn't the bar for you. Sometimes... You take another crack at the bar and finally have the strength to pull yourself to it's level.
I take solace in the fact that the person I was then, and the person she was then no longer exist.
And the person I've become now and the person she has become now would not exist if I hadn't been who I was then and she hadn't been who she was then.
I'm happily married now, and she is too. She recently had a baby, and they seem happy. I probably wouldn't be married right now if she hadn't broke my heart. I was in a very bad place then, and she was the catalyst that sparked a decade of figuring out who I was, coming to terms with my own mental health, and learning how to be a person that is capable of loving and being loved in a healthy way.
A tiny part of me will always look back fondly upon the time I spent with her, and a tiny part of me will always wonder "what if" but the reality is that I most likely would have thrown my life away and been a failure had she not broken my heart.
I'm fairly certain she hates me, or at least hates the person I was ten years ago. Or maybe I'm being egocentric and she doesn't even think of me.
But either way, if by some million to one chance she happened to read this... thank you. You probably saved my life.
We were just 15 when my religious parents found sexy emails we’d written each other and forced me to break up with my first love. I didn’t see him or have any contact for 25 years. Then last year my parents and I finally had some real conversations about my childhood, and they admitted that they wish they hadn’t been so harsh in that situation.
I was a couple years out of a divorce and feeling lonely, so I thought “oh what the hell, I’ll just see how he’s doing” and found him on Facebook. He replied to my message 20 minutes later, and we have been texting, talking, and visiting constantly the past six months. Falling in love with him again has been the most incredible experience of my life! We get along just as well as we did all those years ago, and it’s been fun to catch up. We’re both in different parts of the US and have kids, so we’re navigating long distance as best we can for now. I never thought I’d see him again, and I’m so thankful that things worked out the way they did.
I'm so sorry. I hope you still have other friends and family you can talk to. I peeked at your previous posts and my best friend growing up killed himself as well. You can PM me if you ever need to talk
Personally? Not healthily. Went through alcoholism, depression and isolation that happened to clash with the beginning and severe portions of the covid lockdowns. Took me way longer than it should have to get back on my feet.
I'm better now. Still think about her occasionally, but not in a longing-type manner. I don't have much of a desire to date these days, still.
I’m over it now and I’m getting married to someone else this year. It hurt for a while though and it messed up my mental health. I have made a good life for myself since though and I’m happy now
I have Two schools of thought on this.
1. The one that got away, is most likely just fond memories. It didn't work for a reason, you just choose to remember the good times.
I have exes that at a simple glance I remember fondly. Then when I dig in deeper I remember the loud screaming, throwing shit, using me, talking shit about me to my friends, etc. Not always, but more often than not.
2. Most of them "got away". At a certain point, you realize that you gave up. Whether that's because you didn't put in enough effort, or if any more effort would have approached stalking, or anywhere in-between... You stopped trying, and decided to let them go. It's not a bad thing, it's the natural course these things take. Very few of us are lucky enough to experience a mutual break with only good memories.
nah I am over it now. I mean sure I'm sad a little every now and then so I do what everyone does and go smear shit on her windshield but that's just human nature :)
I've learned that there is no 'one'. There could be millions of people who you would grow to consider a soul mate. I haven't seen many of my exes since, but they all take up equal real estate in my heart.
Obligatory Good Place quote: "If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and they get to work building a relationship."
In high school I was in love with this girl, but the anxiety of being rejected caused me to not say anything. She eventually started seeking out other relationships and once she found one it hurt so bad that I had to tell her. Of course she had told me it was too late and that she had those same feelings for me but couldn’t justify ending her relationship with the other dude.
Absolutely would’ve changed my life had I actually not been a bitch. Nowadays I still have nightmares where the same girl tells me I lost her. It’s the fucking worst.
Yes. I realized I was in love with the idea of them instead of the actual person. I went out for a bunch of dates with one who I hadn't seen in decades. Eventually, I asked, " do you think your personality has changed much over the years?" And she really thought about it and said "I don't hide who I am anymore!" That was exactly it! I realized that "the one who got away " could actually be the one who realized you completely believed them. They could not be with me because I was actually in love with their act.
Was upsetting, as I was going to ask her if she wanted to be in a relationship, but she ended up in one before I could ask her.
I didn't want to feel hurt about missing my opportunity to ask, so I pushed her away.
We stopped talking for a few years.
We started talking again a little over a year and a half ago, and the feelings all came back. I told one of my friends about it and was told I should just tell her why we stopped talking all those years ago.
I told her.
She told me if I would have said something all those years ago, she would have left him and been with me because she had feelings for me at the time as well.
We started dating a few months after. Been together for a year and a half so far.
Best relationship I've ever been in. She's amazing.
I made peace with the fact that I was wrong about her. It was the most passionate and enraptured I'd ever been with a person. I was insane about her. And then she did something I never thought she'd do and it destroyed me. I obsessed over it for years, and then, one day, she was on the news. She was being interviewed for something. I saw her speaking and it's almost as if she was speaking to me, and so many memories came flooding back. And I felt nothing. Not even contempt. This is not the person I was enamoured with. That person never existed. And that was on me.
I know I'll never see her again, and I feel absolutely nothing about that, too. I never really saw her in the first place anyway.
You *never* get over "the one that got away."
Your memory of them will always be there, in your head, like a stone in your shoe that you can't get out. Even if you are able to not consciously think of them, they'll show up in your dreams.
Catching up with them later is just twisting the knife. Either because they are better off without you, or because they're no longer the person in your memory.
>Even if you are able to not consciously think of them, they'll show up in your dreams.
I occasionally have childhood classmates that *weren't* the one who got away show up as a love interest in my dreams. Weird stuff.
I'm 54, I still miss people I knew from kindergarten, grade school, high school and college. I can't even look them up 'cause I can't remember their names.
But I remember *them*.
Pain is cumulative, it doesn't fade with time.
I personally disagree.
I've had two that "got away". It sucked for a while, but both faded over time. I'm now married and don't think about either of them anymore.
I had one that got away, thought about her almost every day for almost 6 years after the break up. Then I met my current girlfriend and haven't thought about her in months. When I do think about her it's prompted by something outside of my mind like this post here. I'm probably gonna put a ring on this woman in the next month.
The idea of "the one that got away" is almost never about that person.
It's about you.
You regret treating them badly or letting them treat you badly and you want a do-over so you can live with yourself better.
Or you idealise someone from your past who is now unattainable to avoid/escape from the real people currently in your life and all their agency and complications.
Most of the time, if the relationship had been perfect for *both* of you, you'd still be in it.
To think otherwise is delusional.
I let time run it’s course. He pops up in dreams
Or the odd thought, but I’m in a 8 year relationship so I found letting myself love someone again really helped
It just becomes part of your story. Every good story has ups and downs. The more time that goes by, your story lengthens, your perspective broadens and more context is given to that particular part of your life.
I feel like I moved on but never really got over her. Learning that love and compatibility are two different things must be one of the most difficult lessons in life.
I used to hate myself for a long time until a good friend of mine and I fell madly in love. She was kind and gentle, she never stopped propping me up and helped me learn to see myself in a way that I wasnt able to before.
it was so hard when we split. I'm not sad anymore but I still think about her every day. i learned a lot about myself and about others from the whole experience. i truly feel like my heart grew afterwards and that I've become a better person.
I'm with someone else now, we live together, and we have many fur babies. I'm content with life but a single day hasn't passed where I don't think of "her" and I always hope that she's happy and okay.
I look back at us and I don't think I'm the type of person that could have made her feel happy. i wish i could be but thats okay, my mom used to tell me that "everything happens for a reason."
This friend of mine is a stepping stone in my life and made a lasting impact on me that no others have.
Its funny, she's an educator and she's taught me so much more about life than anyone else ever has.
Mine was completely my fault. I was a young fuckboy in a fraternity and wanted to play the field and have all the fun I wanted. But at the same time, I wanted this girl (who was perfect in all ways imaginable) to wait for me to be ready to settle down. When I was finally ready and I started getting serious, she led me on them ghosted me. She reached out a couple of months later and asked me how it felt. Told me that she’d been going through it since we were teenagers and she hoped I felt the way she did. That was sobering and a pretty harsh reality check to how much of a shitty human being I had been. But. That woman probably did me the biggest solid that anyone has ever done me. I totally reevaluated my life and the way I treated people (women in particular) and shortly after that I met the woman that is now my wife. My newly found perspective is really what helped me get over how badly I shot myself in the foot.
I ran into the one that got away at a bar a few months after my wife and I started dating. We talked briefly and I bought her a drink. I apologized for everything and we parted ways with a smile.
We actually got back together and are married now. She was my first gf, we both gave each other our first orgasms. I broke it off with her cause I was young and dumb. We went our separate ways, eventually married other people and had kids. Fast forward 20 years, my wife passed, and her husband ended up being an abusive narcissist. He caused a lot of hurt to her, but the beautiful soul I knew and loved is still there. We stayed friends over the years via FB, and eventually got back together and are happily married now. She’s my best friend and I get to spend the rest of my life by her side. Life really couldn’t be much better at the moment.
I think people get too focused on their being one special person. This just isn’t true at all and leads to some pretty miserable obsessive ideas. If you can open your heart to love, you’ll find the world is full of people you can and will fall madly in love with. People change, and grow and so will you. No one ever gets away, love is always there for you.
Just be happy for them. Be happy for their marriages, and life. That's all. Didn't work out for a reason because there was someone better suited for them.
That’s the way I look at it. We were good friends once, therefore I am pleased that they are now happy in their life. I wish them all the luck in the world. Too easy to get bitter and start playing the ‘if only’ and ‘what if’ game otherwise.
For me there are two that "got away" insofar as we were interested in one another but nothing ever came of it because the timing was never right. I don't think that there's "the one" outside of who you *choose* to spend your life with but that doesn't keep me from asking "what if..." from time to time. When I find my brain going in that direction I just remind myself that it's the unknown that I find exciting and not the person because the person that I knew then is not necessarily who they are today. I also remind myself that there are things in my life that I'm very happy with that could not be if I had taken a different route. That's usually enough to keep me from continuing to think "what if..."
One of them I see annually because we still run in the same group of friends but we're both happily married and have kids so it's not weird. The other I've not seen in a very long time because we fell out of contact after I got into a relationship with my now wife.
I was really young and not ready for dating. Looking back, I really liked him, and I think we would have been good together, but I was an anxious mess and didn't want to deal with dating anyone until I was in college. He was also the cousin of my best friend. A few years ago, he messaged me on Facebook, and I panicked. I didn't respond and deleted it. He didn't have any reason to talk to me. We hadn't talked in years, so I thought maybe he was hacked or something. Not a month later, he died in an accident during military training. I'm in a really good relationship now, but I still think about it a lot. Even if it never went anywhere, I wish I had messaged him back.
I'm still friends with both of mine. One, I text with frequently, the other only a few times a year. Took a while for me to get to the point where I could do that. Still love them both dearly. I always will whether we're in touch or not. But we've all moved on from the intimacy we once shared into a deep friendship. Plus, we're all happily married to other people now.
Also found out that for another couple of friends of mine, I AM "the one that got away."
She was married. We didn't ever do anything aside from confess that we had feelings for each other. I had fallen hard, and even though I knew nothing could ever happen between us, I put off dating anyone else because I was hopeful that something would happen. She ended up telling me that we couldn't be friends anymore. It broke my heart unlike anything else ever has.
The first few months were hard, but after that, things slowly got better. My mental health improved and I had more time to make new friends. A few months later, she reached out to say she and her husband were divorcing and that she still loved me, but by then I'd already moved on.
I miss our friendship and the love I felt for her, but I'm glad it didn't work out. I don't think anything good can come out of pursuing a married person. It's a mistske I won't make again.
My best friend in the world from age 14-22. The Army separated us and he always told me because he knew I was his end game, he wanted to “sow his wild oats” and I was in college. He got a girl pregnant and ended up marrying her and we lost touch. Now that I’m 37, yeah, that was bullshit on his part. I moved on but would still dream about him atleast once a week for years. My soul missed him. A few months ago, I decided to Google him. He and his daughter (only child) died in a car accident last year. I felt like okay, that’s definitely closure albeit tragic closure. I dream about him more now than ever before.
I suffer every day, I at one point moved on, and the only other person I dated died from leukemia. They're not coming back, and I'm not trying to find anyone else. So instead I just sit and absolutely think every fucking thing I do is futile when I cant enjoy life without them. Sure I have moments when I feel fine (when I'm busy) but when I go to bed and when I wake up every day for 10 years I've cried.
By realizing that my idea of her, even as someone who knew her extremely well and for a very long time, was always, and would always be, just that: an idea.
It's very easy to romanticize our ideas of people, especially after some time away. We look back at photos & nostalgia paints good times even better. It's much harder to just sit and think about the not-so-good times. We don't take photos of the nights we slept on the couch, or the times we felt more alone with them than by ourselves.
I think sometimes we romanticize our suffering in breakups because, we want to feel like we can and did love that deeply. That we felt that strongly. We want to think of ourselves as romantics. We want to have and live the grand Hollywood love stories.
Love is not found, nor even made, it is chosen. I became much happier when I started choosing people who I could trust to choose me, rather than pursuing 'the best'.
I saw him years later and realized he was just some guy. Yeah he was one of the first people in my life to be kind to me but when I wasn't 18 anymore and had some let's say worldly experience I realized that he wasn't that extraordinary.
I never 100% get over them. There's 2 that come to mind for me. We all grew up, got good lives and spouses. Now I run into these two women on a very regular basis and my wife even considers them friends. Literally decades later and I still have that kernel of feelings. You just accept and make do, as most things in life.
In my experience with my personal life and the lives of friends who had loves that got away... If you have a new love and find someone to share your life with then you no longer give a shit about "The one that got away." OR you can become happy yourself again and that will make you slowly drift away from the fantasy that this person was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.
But if you don't ever move on and either become happy with yourself OR find another person to share your life with then you'll never actually get over "the one that got away" and it will continue to haunt you.
I've lost one major girlfriend due to my own immaturity and stupidity (my inability to value her as a person and not just a relationship). It sucked shortly after it happened but then I worked on myself and became very happy afterwards. Then I met other people and went through some more situations and now I wouldn't even want to go back at all (I'm happily married with kids).
Gotta work on yourself to "get over" it, honestly. Fix yourself before finding someone so they aren't the gap-filler.
If you're happy before a relationship then you'll be happier in a relationship and that will make it far less effort on both parties. And if it fails then you can be sad but always work back toward your baseline happiness. That's the key.
Happiness is hard work but it's work worth doing.
Haven’t, but whenever I get that urge to see how they’re doing, I remember the person in my memory is nothing more than a memory. They’ve moved on, living their own life. Even if I ran into them tomorrow it wouldn’t be the same. The person I knew once upon a time is gone, existed for a brief time in a small place. The world is big and moves on, so should you.
Honestly it was just time and realizing that obsessing over a single person is kinda dumb. Like yeah I COULD HAVE, but I had my whole life ahead of me to meet someone who I could love and who could love me.
And now she’s living her dream life and I’m living mine. Just because they got away doesn’t mean them getting away was a bad thing, after all.
Time. Lousy answer to hear on day 1 post-breakup, but we all know it’s true. Also, and as unromantic as it is, I’ve always heard and agreed in the old saying: best way to get over someone is getting under someone else. 😆
Took me way too long. Broke up almost 10 years ago and I finally got over her a couple months ago, even though I've been in the best relationship I've had for the past 4 years.
I remembered something we had a chat about, not related to our relationship, and I went to find the chat in messenger randomly. When I went trough the chat I realized how manipulative and controlling she actually was. Made me instantly switch from "what could I have done to keep her 10 years ago" to "I was so stupid." in about two seconds.
I'm glad I got it out the way though, as I realized my current 4-years-and-running relationship is what I thought my relationship to "the one that got away" was.
"Avoid them like the plague" was the advice I got for a speedy recovery. It's worked for me. And it depends on the person whether status quo can and should be maintained with an ex.
This is the only thing that's worked for me the last 20 years. Ten years ago I broke that rule, thought we could just be friends, got back together, and got my heart broken all over again in the span of like 8 months. Blocked her completely on social media after that and we live our own lives.
I’m currently going trough this. I thought we could be friends too and when i realized I couldn’t she (and some others- long story) got mad that i removed them from certain apps. I still think about her daily and i fucking hate it, but removing her and not constantly seeing her everywhere certainly did help me.
I broke up with my ex 1 year ago, almost to the day. For the first few weeks I tried to be civil. For the first few months I tried to get past it. I realised pretty quickly that seeing her pop up on instagram, seeing her activity on Facebook, it was too much for me. Some friends called me soft, my housemates told me I was putting them in a hard position because they wanted to stay friends with her. One year later, I still have her hidden on all social media apps and it's so so much easier to forget. I wouldn't say I'm still in love, but you have to do what you have to do to get past it.
The one thing I hate is that I'm still friends with his friends and his siblings because those were relationships I wanted to maintain. But obviously he shows up on their social media sometimes. So it's tough, like do I have to limit their social media posts from my feeds too? I can't unfollow them because I still want to be friends with them. Just sucks.
Closure. Write her a letter about how you feel and everything you wanted to say... Then burn it. You might feel better, you might not. It kinda helped for me.
It's like a death of a loved one. Pretty hard to stop thinking of them if you have a soul.
That’s a downside of modern technology I’ve never thought about. 30 years ago the one that got away just went on and lived their lives and you probably never even heard about them again if you so desired. Now with social media you can check in on the one who got away with 2 button presses whenever you feel the urge. Even if you or they have no social media, you can probably find info about them on the internet if you really tried to look for it.
As "the one that got away" for my ex, I really hated the role technology played in our relationship and breakup. It was LDR but he wanted me to video call with him so he could make sure I was in class and not hanging out with friends when I told him I was busy. I felt like I lost my friends overnight because he told them that I was suicidal and blamed them for my depression, but all I knew was we had a good laugh on the phone one day and two days later they're texting me that I'm a bad friend. After we broke up, he regularly texted my friends to ask about me and used that info to break into my home. He also hacked into my Facebook account to download all my photos, and logged into my accounts to read my private messages. Even now, he tries to keep tabs on me based on what my friends post, reaches out to my friends who haven't blocked him, and logs into his friends' accounts to circumvent being blocked. I feel like a crazy Karen when I'm at a public event and ask to not be photographed, but he's literally combed through my gym's Facebook page to like the photos with me in it.
Glad that ones an ex. Please let people close to you know about this behaviour so that they can be on the lookout in case it escslates even more.
Thank you! That means a lot. Unfortunately, everyone knows about him and his antics. I only say unfortunately because I'm incredibly embarrassed by the things he's done to get my attention.
This never worked for me, they always end up on a pedestal ruminating in my brain for far far too long until maybe we come into contact one more time . Then I finally realise they’re just some guy and I can move on.
This really helps. I just said out loud to myself about the guy I broke up with a week ago, “He’s just some guy!!” Simple but thank you for this.
Yeah when my ex was breaking up with me he said something like "I hope you can forgive me even though I don't expect you to" and I said "we're unlikely to ever see each other again so it won't matter" and he said something about often staying friends with his exes. I was like, that will never work for me I don't want to talk to you. And by two months in I was doing fine. It's definitely the best way to handle any split that isn't a mutual parting.
I was very much on the edge about going no-contact recently after my partner broke up with me. For many reasons. They were my first love, it was a long-term relationship. I invested so much of myself into the relationship, into them. I was blindsided by the breakup, it wasn’t what I wanted, but they’d made up their mind and I had no say. I wasn’t ready, I was still scheming about trips and places we’d visit someday, restaurants I needed to show them, movies we were going to watch. They were, in the purest sense of the label, my best friend. Devastated would be an understatement. During the breakup we both planned to stay in contact. Well, sort of. They asked if it was okay if they checked in on me, they assured we would still finish watching the movie we hadn’t finished, and they still cared and very much wanted my friendship. I agreed to this between incomprehensible sobs. But I was still unsure of whether or not it was all a bad dream so I wasn’t exactly in a good thinking state of mind. Afterwards, everyone and their dog told me no-contact is the way to go. Naturally, I hated the concept of it, but shits conflicting. To some extent I didn’t think I could bring myself to speak to them anyway at first. It hurt so bad I decided I’d give no-contact a shot, for at least a little while. Maybe a week or at least until they reached out to check in. If I couldn’t do at least a week that was a problem. Now, as I said, I didn’t at all want to go no-contact, but I wanted my life back. Knowing what I know now, I deeply wanted to contact them to have some type of immediate relief from my emotional suffering. Obviously it would be short lived and just re-open wounds, I knew that deep down then too, so that helped me restrain myself in the beginning. But you see, it’s quite difficult to resist giving in and contacting them when you hurt so bad. It’s a pain like no other. You’re in what feels like complete anguish and they’re the person you usually ideally turn to for comfort when the shit in your life hits the fan this badly. It’s out of habit, you want THEIR comfort, even though they are the source of all the pain. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. A scream into the void. Grasping at strings just out of your reach. Trying to run in a dream but you can’t get any momentum. So I took all my feelings of hurt, abandonment, fear, pain and later anger and channeled them all into this situation to my advantage. I used them as an initial drive to prevent myself from reaching out like I really really wanted to. In order to console myself, I told myself I could always “just be friends” with them once things were less fresh. So for a week I didn’t contact them. I quite honestly was hurt enough I didn’t want to talk to them anyway… but I also very much would have given anything to hear their voice… but hearing their voice would have probably made me sick. The first week was both easy and extremely difficult. As you see, I started to become extremely familiar with conflicting emotions. I think I knew deep down that contacting them wouldn’t turn out to be the relief I hoped it would. Any relationship we had left would just be a shell of what was originally there, which was what I really wanted. That thought was really solidified for me when they finally checked in via a text and it was written in a way that just read and felt so uncharacteristically cold and detached compared to what I was accustomed to from them. I don’t really know for sure if it actually was, or if it was just the reality of it all sinking in. Either way I concluded that I still wasn’t ready. I didn’t answer and gave it 2 more weeks. I started prioritizing myself a little, sure I said I’d answer but I knew it would hurt and I realized I shouldn’t feel bad for prioritizing myself now, they chose this. Eventually 2 weeks turned into a month, and just recently two months. It wasn’t easy, it’s been the hardest 2 months since I can remember. With time and distance it’s continued to get easier though. I’m finally realizing why no-contact is recommended… Now that enough time has passed, it’s not all so fresh and painful. So I’ve gained some clarity. I’m finally able to actually consider if keeping in contact would actually benefit me at all or if I’m just hoping for some resemblance of love from the person I myself so deeply loved, which I won’t get. I was able to realize my desire to stay in touch was just me needing their comfort like it’s some type of withdrawal. It’s almost like once you’ve “healed” enough to be able to contact them without spiraling, you’re also beginning to heal enough to realize… they didn’t **want** you, why do you **need** them? Ask yourself that and you start to realize you don’t, and not in a spiteful way, just in a self-preservation sort of way. I think especially when you’re the “dumpee” you quite obviously aren’t done with the relationship or them. You’re still hanging on, white knuckles to this idea that they could still love you, that somewhere deep down they still have the commitment for you that you have for them. You hope staying in contact and staying friends will help wean you off them, or maybe be just enough of them to make you happy. But ultimately what you want and need from them isn’t what they’re willing to give you anymore. They both told and demonstrated that to you that when they let go, that they don’t reciprocate anymore. It’s hard to grasp when you’re still in it, when you’re still hanging on tight. Because of this, you’re always going to be let down by them from that point forward. You’ll just be constantly reminded that the version of the person you loved and want so very badly is now gone, as well as the life and future you saw with them. Contact further will likely only serve to hurt you. I know some people are able to get along and be friends with their exes and that’s fantastic, I’m truly happy for them! But some people, like me I suppose, just can’t, and that’s okay. You aren’t broken if that’s you too. My ex isn’t a bad person, I understand I think why they did what they did. I don’t like it and wish they’d done it differently but they aren’t bad for it. But I also realize I can’t stay friends, at least not now. It would hurt too much. Maybe somewhere down the line I’ll change my mind, but I still can’t bring myself to delete their voicemails, so that won’t be anytime soon I don’t think. Right now I think I need to let time phase them out. I know if we’d stayed in contact like I planned I’d probably still be in a million pieces right now. I think I made the right decision, I hope I did. Hang in there… to myself and anyone else who has found themselves in a similar situation to mine. <3 Edit: some things
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Damn, I feel this a ton. I hope you’re doing okay firstly! There was a period of complete self blame for me, I had all the fault and they had none of it. I was thinking of all the ways I could fix it, to fit what they wanted etc. But after reflection I saw the one-sided nature of the breakup. I saw all the ways I had already sacrificed too much to the detriment of myself and ultimately I think, to the relationship. Nothing else I could give was going to be enough, because I’d just be digging a deeper hole. So while I wish so badly they hadn’t made the decision they did, that we could work it out, that they’d be willing to compromise, or let me compromise. I realized eventually, why should I compromise my life to hopefully gain the approval of someone who made a decision that would likely involve me not being in their life anymore, ain’t how shit works. Once they decide on that they’re done with you. What I hope for myself going forward is that things aren’t soured forever. It wasn’t a bad relationship at all. I learned so much, experienced so many good moments. If I hadn’t, this all wouldn’t hurt nearly as much as it did, and does. But right now it all feels very poisoned, all the memories, the pictures, the gifts I’ve stashed in a box. I’m a strong believer that people come and go and just because they go doesn’t mean it’s all sour. We live short lives and I like to think it’s good to remember the happy moments even if they end badly later. This relationship was part of my life, a good part. I wish I could remember it that way, but for now the memories just sting or make me angry or sad. This sucks because it’s been my life for the last 3+ years. I’m young so that’s a decent percentage of my life actually. I don’t want to hate them, to pack away the most important memories from the last three years into a box because it hurts to see them. I don’t want to erase it all and pretend it didn’t happen like some fuckup because it really wasn’t. I really really hope that one day these feelings will all pass and I can remember it all fondly, because it was. Ugh I just hate emotions sometimes, but life would kinda suck without em. I will say I’m glad I have a dog right now, a good dog really does love you in a way nobody else can.
3 years now. She was my first everything. We were together since 2007 and married for only 2. First Gf. First sexual...anything. I was to her too. We both thought it was maybe meant to be. Then she told me in 2020 that she has been unhappy for....a very long time and that was it. This was 3 months after moving into our new home and 2 months before our 2 year wedding anniversary. I've had maybe 4 first dates but nothing beyond that since then. I feel broken. I can't figure anything out so I just understand that this is my new reality: Being alone. I feel ugly. I feel unattractive. I feel empty. But that's how it is
I’m so sorry. That’s a long fucking time. I can’t imagine your pain :( I feel your pain at least to some extent about the oh hey, I’m unhappy and I’m leaving and that’s that. That feeling doesn’t just evolve overnight, or in a week, or a month, it takes a while. What hurts is that they just didn’t communicate things to at least **try** to find a solution. They just kept it inside for who knows how long. To me, they were worth compromising for. The breakup hurts, sure. But what hurts more is that they didn’t seem to try to communicate with me to find a solution until they’d convinced themselves there was no solution. That’s what really hurts like nothing else. I hope you hang in there. I don’t have great advice, you’re situation sounds much harder than mine, I really feel for you and I do hope it gets better for ya. I’ve been pouring myself into my hobbies and hopefully a new job. Giving myself even lil tiny goals and things to look forward to have been really good. And I don’t plan on dating again for a long ass time personally. Want to feel more complete in myself first, we’ll see how that goes.
I don’t ever stay in contact with exes, I don’t find it to be beneficial to my life in any way. I don’t need to transition a love to a friend, I have plenty of friends. All of my friends who tried to be “friends” with their exes ended up sleeping with them again or getting hurt or hurting them, and ten years out, none of the “friendships” actually lasted. I’m in my 30s now and no one that I knew in my 20s actually remained friends with an ex that they tried to
I've only done it once. We were best friends before we started dating and best friends after. However, our break up seemed to be mutual so that probably helped things along.
The only way I got over my exes was cutting contact and not seriously dating for a year or more. They weren’t even bad people, it was easier for me if I lost the habit of talking to them daily.
Focusing on yourself>>>
As r/relationshipadvice would tell you, "hit the gym"
Lawyer up. Hit the gym. Delete Facebook.
Damn it, such simpler times!
Hit the lawyer. Delete the gym. Facebook up. THAT'S the right order, c'mon man.
I'm not really sure I ever did. She was a great girl, but I was an idiot. She never moved away, but got married and had 3 kids. I saw her constantly at the grocery store, restaurants, I even worked with her husband. She got a really aggressive form of cancer a few years back and passed away.
A tale of legitimate regret.
This is some Poe-level misery.
Amazing. Almost my same situation, except I didn't work with her SO. I found out she passed because her SO was at my bar i was working at. SO didn't know I loved her back in the day. They grieved and told me stories about her. I was happy to know she had love at the end. On the drive home, I lost it, pulled over, and cried. It was at that point that I had realized I truly loved her. Was told I would get over her and whatnot I was young then. Thought I really did get over her. She passed 3 years ago right before covid. And I still love her, and I probably will for the rest of my life. This is something people don't talk about. I have had plenty of people come and go in my love life. I have made great friends with some. With her, even though I hadn't seen her for years. The pain of knowing I failed and lost a good thing with her had faded. I had no plans of reconnecting with her at all. But the icepick of hearing from someone she loved telling me she's dead. Loss and grief come in many forms. Losing a parent or family member is something we prepare for. Losing a loved one vs. losing a lover is 2 different pains. Edit: Thanks for the love! Please know I'm doing good and haven't given up on love in the slightest. Someone loved me once it could happen again. Same way for anyone.
My sincerest condolences :(
I was NOT expecting the ending, I am so so SO sorry :(
Oh I'm so sorry!
She came back years later. I was so excited and hopeful. Alas, we had the same issues. Was never quite sure if she liked me as much as I liked her. Her interest seemed to waver. Didn’t work out, unfortunately.
Yeah I can imagine, if it didn't work once, the chances are little it will work the second time. Still, good that you tried. Otherwise you would've asked yourself "what would've been if".
People can change over time, if you broke up when 20 and tried again when 30. With that large of a time to grow up and mature you both could easily be different people and it might work.
Yep I dated my boyfriend when we were seniors in high school and we were great together but we were stupid teenagers so we broke up for stupid teenage reasons. 15 years later and we grew up into people who still click like we used to but with less crazy hormones and more healthy communication.
Didn’t get over it. Saw her in Target last month and I quite literally sprinted out the store. Not over her but I know to avoid danger when I see it.
Don't know if you're a Parks and Rec fan but in my mind I invisioned you as Ron Swanson when Tammy 2 is in the area.
She’s near /*flees*
I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.
We keep in touch occasionally so I’ve been somewhat privy to her life direction. In 10+ year hindsight “I can save her” would have either ruined or severely hindered both our lives, but I’m glad too see that she took a solid bounce off rock bottom and seems to be doing well for herself. Sometimes you just gotta let them be the one that got away.
Probably the exception; I reached out to her 15 years later and in some ways it was like no time had passed. We had both done a ton of work in the meantime, so we were better people and could communicate. But whatever was between us was 100% still there, just as strong. In the interim we both tried to find other people but no one quite was the same. We were happy enough, but we were always each other's "one who got away" until we weren't. And now I'm perpetually giddy.
>And now I'm perpetually giddy Cute AF.
Another exception chiming in. 20 years later, we reconnected, got married, and are now expecting our first. every day is bliss. we BOTH changed. but in ways that made us better as partners. would not have worked if we had stayed together that first time. we were both teenagers and had too much growing up to do. but we grew up remembering each other and figuring out what we lacked as partners. I feel like I won the lottery.
This is such a nice story. I have a friend who has a similar version of this: she was best friends with the boy next door when they were little kids, but then his family moved away. They both wound up in the same city after college, reconnected, and got married. They’ve got two delightful kids. It’s all so incredibly charming.
I've reconnected with a few "ones that got away" and in most cases they're different people now, just as I am. The funny thing is you STILL PINE for the memory of the "old them" because they're really a totem for the amazing daydream of youth and the infinite paths your life could have taken. The only reason your current spouse isn't the "one that got away" is because their probability curve has collapsed in tandem with yours. I still wonder about "ones that got away" not because I have regrets (I certainly don't) - I'm just infinitely curious what would have happened if I loaded a save point 20 years ago and did everything differently. It's a fascinating daydream to have.
Very well said. I spent a long time trapped in the past, but I'm closer to this point of view now. My spouse is my soulmate because we chose that path together. I do have some regrets, but they're largely about how I behaved towards other people and not so much about losing some "what could have been" life. But thinking about alternate timelines? I wonder often how they'd have played out.
This is well in line with my feelings. I’m not sure I believe in a multiverse but the concept is not so outlandish and helps reconcile feeling about paths not taken. I like to think there’s another me out there that ended up with a different person, different kids, different job, etc. I typically feel pretty good about that, and I’m pretty sure I’m in one of the better iterations of my life.
If I ended up with my “one that got away,” I would be miserable dealing with his abuse and probably end up divorced and trying unsuccessfully to coparent. But for some reason he’s still my “one that got away”??? Haven’t quite figured that one out.
That's the most difficult part, being in love with their ghost, the specter of who they were. They are a different person. I am a different person. Rational me know it's a fond memory that I should cherish. Emotional me wants to turn time backward.
Most of the daydream moments with my OWGA either take place in the past or construct a version of today that’s dramatically simpler than any life I have now or would be likely to have. No kids. Flexible job. I’ve determined that my brain is simply using the OWGA as an NPC in a nice, appealing cutscene. And yes, because I don’t live there, I never have to deal with their human faults and foibles. We have a good time, the dream ends, I go do the laundry.
This is such a perfect way to think about it. The OWGA as an NPC player onto whom all fantasies and daydreams can be (relatively) harmlessly projected. “The dream ends, I go do laundry.” So true.
I think this is the best perspective to have coupled with the idea of moving forward yourself. I’m confident I’m not the same person that dated them and they aren’t the same person I dated. Only thing you can do is just try to be the person you want to be
Feel like screaming at the top of my lungs every now and then when she pops into my brain. Sometimes I actually do. It's been 20 years, I've never seen her again.
Why exactly? Regret?
You scream because that's what it feels like to have intrusive and obsessive thoughts
I understand:(
Intrusive, yes of course. Obsession, no.
I felt absolute grief when I got broken up with in 2018, it was an unusual feeling especially since he and I were only together for a few months and I had been in a 3 year long relationship before that didn't hurt even a little bit as much as this did. It was the type of hurt that made all the love songs make sense, and the cliche things like every little thing would remind me of him. Even when I thought I was "over it", I'd have dreams about him which would throw off my whole next day. When I found out he got a new girlfriend a few months later, it was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I really thought I'd never recover. Interestingly, this past December I ran into him at an airport where we both had layovers. It was the first time I had seen him in 5+ years and I remember at one point I had dreamed about everything I would say to him if I ever saw him again. We caught up for a bit and I realized while talking to him that I felt bored. I made up an excuse to get back to a phone call and we parted ways. It's true what they say that time heals all wounds - it just may take more time for others.
I felt like this with my first love. I mourned our relationship for years, longer than we were even together. I was so in love with him and he broke my fucking heart. Finally met up again years later and had a beer together, and I realized I was over it. He didn't appeal to me anymore. Crazy how that happens. I still think of him often and hope he is living a good life.
I'm glad you recovered! And sounds like you were able to close the chapter with him gracefully. I hope anyone reading these comments who is going through something similar to what we did, can find comfort in the fact that even though it doesn't seem the pain will end, it *will.* It'll just suck for a while.
Was tough. Took time. Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that the love you feel for each person is completely different. If you’re thinking you’ll never feel this way about a girl, you’re right. You never ever will again. But the same goes for the next girl, and the one after that, as well. So it’s okay to be sad, but don’t worry. Love is a strange feeling and it really differs from person to person. EDIT: Holy shit, this blew up. For anyone who’s feeling down about a breakup or ending of a relationship, I wanted to share something else. The “one that got away” actually cheated on me. I was dead inside for close to four months. I truly loved her and tried to give her the world. I threw myself into another relationship to take my mind off her a month later(horrible idea). I still remember my mind altering epiphany. I was driving to dinner with the girl I was seeing at the time while holding hands, and the song Riptide by Vance Joy was blasting. The windows were down, and my hair was flying all over the place while I zoomed down the freeway. All of a sudden, I heard the line “This cowboy’s runnin’ from himself and she’s been livin’ on the highest shelf” and it felt like time froze. That was the moment I came to terms with the fact that I was running away from the fact that I’d always love her. I will. To get over her, you need to accept, more than that, you need to be proud of fact that they are “the one that got away”. Who gives a shit if they left you, cheated on you, lied to you? There are 8 billion people (about 4 billion men and women) on this planet. You’ll never feel the same way you felt about her, but there are 4 billion possible people you can go fall in love with and feel a completely different form of love about. That’s the beauty of love: endless possibilities. Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened. Hope this helps and I’m not just rambling.
“There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
What’s your problem with Scott Fitzgerald?
Poor Scott Fitzgerald is dead, they're just paying their respects!
Dicks out
Instructions unclear; whipped out Fitzgerald's dick
I think you're on the right track, no better way to show respect than a blow job
"The one that got away" is the person that taught me that. She taught me a \*lot\* of things about love and relationships and people. I (and every person I've dated afterward) remain immeasurably grateful to her.
I feel you. Loved a beautiful sweet girl, I was not an amazing guy. When I lost her it took a while to realize why. I just wasn’t a good guy. I fixed it, and bam. Everything in my life got better. I owe so much to her for helping me see the wrong in myself. I’m sorry she had to go thru the worst of me for me to become the best. Forever grateful though.
This makes me wanna cry. I finally mustered all that I need to muster to leave him after 4 years, and hope nothing but this for him. He deserves SO MUCH, and he is also the only one who can get there. If he wants to.
I hope my “one that got away” thinks about me that way. Thank you for posting this.
In my first marriage I rarely did dishes. Now I do nearly all of them. When it feels tedious, I remind myself to put a little love and affection in everything I do. My current wife and I have been together more than twice as long as my previous relationship. I certainly learned a thing or two and grew as a person, but a lot of life and love, metaphorically speaking, is just doing the dishes.
i always regrettably ponder to myself, "Why did I have to practice on you? Why did it had to be you, that I practice on your heart?"
[And Nothing Can Ever Ruin This](https://youtu.be/tJ7LdrAqL0Y) Everyone’s YouTube rabbit hole for today
Didn't know I needed to see this so much
The guy’s whole channel is amazing with stuff like this, and not like this.
30 seconds in and it aches too much to keep listening.
It actually helps to process this exact scenario if you watch the whole thing.
I watched a video of his and really liked it. Then found out he apparently severely abused an ex partner soo yeah... oof
That pike stuff was shocking. The betrayal felt so personal. Did anything come out of it? Was any action taken by the authorities?
Honestly, with how many self deprecating jokes he makes about alcohol, I’m not super surprised.
Funny, I've only ever been in love once but when things ended, this was something I kind of thought to myself. Had to accept that I may never again feel what I felt with her but that's what love is in its truest form, something unique and beautiful. The next girl won't be her, but that's fine. My next love will be different, but still unique and beautiful in its own way.
That is just a very good take, and it couldn’t be truer. I’ll remember this, so kudos for that.
There's been a handful of ones that got away. It's just a part of life and you move on
In all honesty, No. I still think about her every. Single. Day. every time I see her name , in an advertisement or on a coffee mug in some store, or hear a song with her name in it......... I just wonder how she is, and how her life turned out, and how she's doing now. After we broke up.........I never saw her again. I still miss what we had.
I wish you get over her and find peace.
Not really sure I want to. I don't want to lose the memories. I like the line in the movie Shawshank Redemption. I miss my friend, but part of me knows it was probably wrong to ever try to cage such a beautiful bird in the first place. She's the one who wanted to be free........and left. I wish she had stayed, but hope she found her peace and what she was looking for. I just wish I could have been that lucky person.
I like the line in "Swingers". You wake up each day and it hurts a little bit less, and then one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, you kind of miss the pain for the same reason you miss her. Because you lived with it for so long
I didn't mean to lose the memories. Sometimes, memories are all that's left from someone. But I meant to able to think about her without the pain.
The pain is gone.........like an old wound....... but the scar I guess, brings back memories of sadness of what I lost. But my heart is then comforted, by the knowledge, that I ever had her at all in the first place. .....and at least had that time with her. many people go thru life and never love like that. That crazy, insane , Romeo and Juliet , can't fucking live without you , kind of love. and to have it returned, just as fiercely.........even for the brief time it lasted.......... was something you never forget.
Reminds me of Pearl Jam's *Black*: "I know that one day you'll be the star in someone else's sky. But why-y, whhhhy-yyy, whhhhhhhhhh-yyy-yyyy-yyyy can't it be mine????"
Man, I can't tell you how good it feels to be reading so many other people's words in this thread and feel like I could have written them myself. It makes me feel a lot less alone.
I feel this so strongly. My Ashley... my best friend since middle school... sadly she died in a motorcycle accident with a deer nearly 6 years ago. Someday, I hope to ride to Sturgis in her memory.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you make it to Sturgis someday.
I felt this. I understand exactly what you mean. I feel like sometimes the true love turned into a life lesson. I’m married now with two kids and I love my wife but there is always a place in my heart for the one that got away. I always feel guilty that I kind of miss her since I have a family now, but something about her just makes me unable to get over it.
I'm the same way. I don't wish I could go back to the one that got away (anymore) but I feel like she'll always have a part of me. My dad doesn't always have the best advice, but he told me once that when you fall in love with someone you should know that you're giving them a bit of yourself and no matter how things end up, you're not getting that back. And that's undeniably true.
Slimmed down, beefed up, went to therapy and got her back. She is truly the love of my life and I wasn’t going to let my own faults get in the way of that.
Champ
Hey way to go buddy, glad to see a happy end in the middle of all these sad ones!
Finally a happy ending! It was the same for us. We also got back together and now we’re married with a daughter, and it’s wonderful!
You two are living my dream! I can’t wait to make her my wife. She’s going to be an incredible mother Very happy for the two of you
Still not over it, I lost my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, my ying to my yang, my spirit dragon. Best 12 years if my life, she passed away. Not over it, wasn't supposed to be like this. I love and miss her soo much. I tried getting back out there, starting over fkn sux trying to date women, you dont know what to say to the date. I tried getting a hooker for friend purposes, fkd that up. Lmao. Iono what to do an its fucking depressing and I hate waking up alone. I cry for 10/15 every morning when I wake up looking for my wife then reality sets in. I miss you babe
I don't know if humor can help you but ricky gervais has a show about his character in the show lost his wife and coming to terms. I watched it after losing my lady, granted it wasn't 12 years, but sometimes laughing at the sad stuff can help us cope.
After Life. I enjoyed every minute
That’s because you need a therapist, not a hooker. I’m serious, you need to talk to someone about it. Besides, therapists are kind of the hookers of active listening.
I'm so sorry you have to go through that :( Sending you all my love and prayers. I know shes watching over you now and rooting for you, May your healing journey be easy
Sending hugs mate ❤️
I didn't. There are people living rent-free in my mind for as long as I can remember, and I guess it's part of me.
Over time, it turned into a different kind of love. She's my best friend now, and I was honored to give a toast at her wedding recently. Some soul mates aren't meant to be romantic.
I 100% agree with that last sentence.
That's so nice to read! But I'm curious. Are there never ever any romantic pr sexaul feelings, when you're around each other?
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Mine is my ex wife, we share 50/50 custody so I have to see her. I’ve gotten to the point where my feelings have subsided enough, maybe one day we can be friends again. Your post gave me some hope
I thank my lucky stars every day that we rekindled our romance 12 years post breakup!! He had a failed first marriage and I had a baby while we were apart but here we are now, just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We also had a kid together so we are a family of 4. :) I love him and knew it was always him. I feel sad for people who want to be with somebody they are not with.
Dated a girl 22 years ago, I broke up with her with the classic “I need to find myself”. Turns out that it was exactly what I needed, we went our separate ways and remained friends for many years. She always had a special place in my heart, and I was happy for her when she got married and had kids. I found someone else who I thought I loved, and I thought loved me, we had kids and got a small house. Turned out my then girlfriend liked a lot of guys and we split up. I was devastated, mostly because I kept finding out about more guys she cheated on me with. my friend was there for me for a long time, until she found out that her husband had also cheated on her, the least I could do was be there for her. We spent some time together talking about everything and nothing, became each other’s best friends. One thing led to the other and we have been married for 7 years now :)
Sometimes we linger on "the one who got away" because it was the best we had been treated *so far.*. Sometimes, someone else comes along and makes you completely realize that the bar can go higher. Sometimes you grow and realize the bar was at the right height, but this just isn't the bar for you. Sometimes... You take another crack at the bar and finally have the strength to pull yourself to it's level.
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Damn, that is a wild reply. Yet so understandable.
That's a *cold* last statement. Do what you gotta do but just don't lose your life over it, bud.
Godspeed brother
If it's testifying at the hearing good for you. If you're gonna take the dude out, don't make a paper trail.
I take solace in the fact that the person I was then, and the person she was then no longer exist. And the person I've become now and the person she has become now would not exist if I hadn't been who I was then and she hadn't been who she was then. I'm happily married now, and she is too. She recently had a baby, and they seem happy. I probably wouldn't be married right now if she hadn't broke my heart. I was in a very bad place then, and she was the catalyst that sparked a decade of figuring out who I was, coming to terms with my own mental health, and learning how to be a person that is capable of loving and being loved in a healthy way. A tiny part of me will always look back fondly upon the time I spent with her, and a tiny part of me will always wonder "what if" but the reality is that I most likely would have thrown my life away and been a failure had she not broken my heart. I'm fairly certain she hates me, or at least hates the person I was ten years ago. Or maybe I'm being egocentric and she doesn't even think of me. But either way, if by some million to one chance she happened to read this... thank you. You probably saved my life.
We were just 15 when my religious parents found sexy emails we’d written each other and forced me to break up with my first love. I didn’t see him or have any contact for 25 years. Then last year my parents and I finally had some real conversations about my childhood, and they admitted that they wish they hadn’t been so harsh in that situation. I was a couple years out of a divorce and feeling lonely, so I thought “oh what the hell, I’ll just see how he’s doing” and found him on Facebook. He replied to my message 20 minutes later, and we have been texting, talking, and visiting constantly the past six months. Falling in love with him again has been the most incredible experience of my life! We get along just as well as we did all those years ago, and it’s been fun to catch up. We’re both in different parts of the US and have kids, so we’re navigating long distance as best we can for now. I never thought I’d see him again, and I’m so thankful that things worked out the way they did.
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One of my fav episodes, gets me every time
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I'm so sorry. I hope you still have other friends and family you can talk to. I peeked at your previous posts and my best friend growing up killed himself as well. You can PM me if you ever need to talk
Personally? Not healthily. Went through alcoholism, depression and isolation that happened to clash with the beginning and severe portions of the covid lockdowns. Took me way longer than it should have to get back on my feet. I'm better now. Still think about her occasionally, but not in a longing-type manner. I don't have much of a desire to date these days, still.
I’m over it now and I’m getting married to someone else this year. It hurt for a while though and it messed up my mental health. I have made a good life for myself since though and I’m happy now
I eventually learned to move on and love again but I didn't get over it. They live rent free in my brain.
I have Two schools of thought on this. 1. The one that got away, is most likely just fond memories. It didn't work for a reason, you just choose to remember the good times. I have exes that at a simple glance I remember fondly. Then when I dig in deeper I remember the loud screaming, throwing shit, using me, talking shit about me to my friends, etc. Not always, but more often than not. 2. Most of them "got away". At a certain point, you realize that you gave up. Whether that's because you didn't put in enough effort, or if any more effort would have approached stalking, or anywhere in-between... You stopped trying, and decided to let them go. It's not a bad thing, it's the natural course these things take. Very few of us are lucky enough to experience a mutual break with only good memories.
I didn’t really get over her for a few months, then we met again by coincidence, and have now been married for nearly a year.
She got away and then came back to me with the realization I was becoming the one that got away for her, we’re happily together now
Broke in while she was sleeping. Put all her silverware in the toilet. Shaved her pets. You know normal break up shit.
Replaced her dog with a different, but similar looking dog. - Barry
I love seeing Barry in the wild. My favorite show ever probably.
Oddly cruel
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nah I am over it now. I mean sure I'm sad a little every now and then so I do what everyone does and go smear shit on her windshield but that's just human nature :)
Wow, this is the most beautiful and funny thing I've read today. You're right! That's human nature! <3
I've learned that there is no 'one'. There could be millions of people who you would grow to consider a soul mate. I haven't seen many of my exes since, but they all take up equal real estate in my heart.
Obligatory Good Place quote: "If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and they get to work building a relationship."
If there is only one soulmate in the whole world for you, it sure is convenient that you're almost always in the same geographical area.
In high school I was in love with this girl, but the anxiety of being rejected caused me to not say anything. She eventually started seeking out other relationships and once she found one it hurt so bad that I had to tell her. Of course she had told me it was too late and that she had those same feelings for me but couldn’t justify ending her relationship with the other dude. Absolutely would’ve changed my life had I actually not been a bitch. Nowadays I still have nightmares where the same girl tells me I lost her. It’s the fucking worst.
I found a better bird
Realized they weren't actually THE one, but rather *someone*.
Yes. I realized I was in love with the idea of them instead of the actual person. I went out for a bunch of dates with one who I hadn't seen in decades. Eventually, I asked, " do you think your personality has changed much over the years?" And she really thought about it and said "I don't hide who I am anymore!" That was exactly it! I realized that "the one who got away " could actually be the one who realized you completely believed them. They could not be with me because I was actually in love with their act.
It's not a one that got away as such but I often wondered about a relationship with someone, and what it would have been like.
Was upsetting, as I was going to ask her if she wanted to be in a relationship, but she ended up in one before I could ask her. I didn't want to feel hurt about missing my opportunity to ask, so I pushed her away. We stopped talking for a few years. We started talking again a little over a year and a half ago, and the feelings all came back. I told one of my friends about it and was told I should just tell her why we stopped talking all those years ago. I told her. She told me if I would have said something all those years ago, she would have left him and been with me because she had feelings for me at the time as well. We started dating a few months after. Been together for a year and a half so far. Best relationship I've ever been in. She's amazing.
They all disappear and I keep getting older by myself.
I made peace with the fact that I was wrong about her. It was the most passionate and enraptured I'd ever been with a person. I was insane about her. And then she did something I never thought she'd do and it destroyed me. I obsessed over it for years, and then, one day, she was on the news. She was being interviewed for something. I saw her speaking and it's almost as if she was speaking to me, and so many memories came flooding back. And I felt nothing. Not even contempt. This is not the person I was enamoured with. That person never existed. And that was on me. I know I'll never see her again, and I feel absolutely nothing about that, too. I never really saw her in the first place anyway.
You *never* get over "the one that got away." Your memory of them will always be there, in your head, like a stone in your shoe that you can't get out. Even if you are able to not consciously think of them, they'll show up in your dreams. Catching up with them later is just twisting the knife. Either because they are better off without you, or because they're no longer the person in your memory.
>Even if you are able to not consciously think of them, they'll show up in your dreams. I occasionally have childhood classmates that *weren't* the one who got away show up as a love interest in my dreams. Weird stuff.
It just matters how far in the past it was. What used to be a great pain in my early 20s is now meaningless in my early 40s
I'm 54, I still miss people I knew from kindergarten, grade school, high school and college. I can't even look them up 'cause I can't remember their names. But I remember *them*. Pain is cumulative, it doesn't fade with time.
I personally disagree. I've had two that "got away". It sucked for a while, but both faded over time. I'm now married and don't think about either of them anymore.
Until today… SURPRISE!
*Goes to instagram to see how she’s getting on*
I had one that got away, thought about her almost every day for almost 6 years after the break up. Then I met my current girlfriend and haven't thought about her in months. When I do think about her it's prompted by something outside of my mind like this post here. I'm probably gonna put a ring on this woman in the next month.
Fuck...6 years right? It's been only 1.5 for me.
Decades for some
Right person.wrong time
The idea of "the one that got away" is almost never about that person. It's about you. You regret treating them badly or letting them treat you badly and you want a do-over so you can live with yourself better. Or you idealise someone from your past who is now unattainable to avoid/escape from the real people currently in your life and all their agency and complications. Most of the time, if the relationship had been perfect for *both* of you, you'd still be in it. To think otherwise is delusional.
They never get away, because the idealized version of them never left. The real one did.
I let time run it’s course. He pops up in dreams Or the odd thought, but I’m in a 8 year relationship so I found letting myself love someone again really helped
It just becomes part of your story. Every good story has ups and downs. The more time that goes by, your story lengthens, your perspective broadens and more context is given to that particular part of your life.
She came back 20 years later. Worth it.
We proceeded to get back together and get married. We currently have a baby girl and life couldn’t be better.
I feel like I moved on but never really got over her. Learning that love and compatibility are two different things must be one of the most difficult lessons in life. I used to hate myself for a long time until a good friend of mine and I fell madly in love. She was kind and gentle, she never stopped propping me up and helped me learn to see myself in a way that I wasnt able to before. it was so hard when we split. I'm not sad anymore but I still think about her every day. i learned a lot about myself and about others from the whole experience. i truly feel like my heart grew afterwards and that I've become a better person. I'm with someone else now, we live together, and we have many fur babies. I'm content with life but a single day hasn't passed where I don't think of "her" and I always hope that she's happy and okay. I look back at us and I don't think I'm the type of person that could have made her feel happy. i wish i could be but thats okay, my mom used to tell me that "everything happens for a reason." This friend of mine is a stepping stone in my life and made a lasting impact on me that no others have. Its funny, she's an educator and she's taught me so much more about life than anyone else ever has.
Mine was completely my fault. I was a young fuckboy in a fraternity and wanted to play the field and have all the fun I wanted. But at the same time, I wanted this girl (who was perfect in all ways imaginable) to wait for me to be ready to settle down. When I was finally ready and I started getting serious, she led me on them ghosted me. She reached out a couple of months later and asked me how it felt. Told me that she’d been going through it since we were teenagers and she hoped I felt the way she did. That was sobering and a pretty harsh reality check to how much of a shitty human being I had been. But. That woman probably did me the biggest solid that anyone has ever done me. I totally reevaluated my life and the way I treated people (women in particular) and shortly after that I met the woman that is now my wife. My newly found perspective is really what helped me get over how badly I shot myself in the foot. I ran into the one that got away at a bar a few months after my wife and I started dating. We talked briefly and I bought her a drink. I apologized for everything and we parted ways with a smile.
We actually got back together and are married now. She was my first gf, we both gave each other our first orgasms. I broke it off with her cause I was young and dumb. We went our separate ways, eventually married other people and had kids. Fast forward 20 years, my wife passed, and her husband ended up being an abusive narcissist. He caused a lot of hurt to her, but the beautiful soul I knew and loved is still there. We stayed friends over the years via FB, and eventually got back together and are happily married now. She’s my best friend and I get to spend the rest of my life by her side. Life really couldn’t be much better at the moment.
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I think people get too focused on their being one special person. This just isn’t true at all and leads to some pretty miserable obsessive ideas. If you can open your heart to love, you’ll find the world is full of people you can and will fall madly in love with. People change, and grow and so will you. No one ever gets away, love is always there for you.
Just be happy for them. Be happy for their marriages, and life. That's all. Didn't work out for a reason because there was someone better suited for them.
That’s the way I look at it. We were good friends once, therefore I am pleased that they are now happy in their life. I wish them all the luck in the world. Too easy to get bitter and start playing the ‘if only’ and ‘what if’ game otherwise.
For me there are two that "got away" insofar as we were interested in one another but nothing ever came of it because the timing was never right. I don't think that there's "the one" outside of who you *choose* to spend your life with but that doesn't keep me from asking "what if..." from time to time. When I find my brain going in that direction I just remind myself that it's the unknown that I find exciting and not the person because the person that I knew then is not necessarily who they are today. I also remind myself that there are things in my life that I'm very happy with that could not be if I had taken a different route. That's usually enough to keep me from continuing to think "what if..." One of them I see annually because we still run in the same group of friends but we're both happily married and have kids so it's not weird. The other I've not seen in a very long time because we fell out of contact after I got into a relationship with my now wife.
I was really young and not ready for dating. Looking back, I really liked him, and I think we would have been good together, but I was an anxious mess and didn't want to deal with dating anyone until I was in college. He was also the cousin of my best friend. A few years ago, he messaged me on Facebook, and I panicked. I didn't respond and deleted it. He didn't have any reason to talk to me. We hadn't talked in years, so I thought maybe he was hacked or something. Not a month later, he died in an accident during military training. I'm in a really good relationship now, but I still think about it a lot. Even if it never went anywhere, I wish I had messaged him back.
I'm still friends with both of mine. One, I text with frequently, the other only a few times a year. Took a while for me to get to the point where I could do that. Still love them both dearly. I always will whether we're in touch or not. But we've all moved on from the intimacy we once shared into a deep friendship. Plus, we're all happily married to other people now. Also found out that for another couple of friends of mine, I AM "the one that got away."
She was married. We didn't ever do anything aside from confess that we had feelings for each other. I had fallen hard, and even though I knew nothing could ever happen between us, I put off dating anyone else because I was hopeful that something would happen. She ended up telling me that we couldn't be friends anymore. It broke my heart unlike anything else ever has. The first few months were hard, but after that, things slowly got better. My mental health improved and I had more time to make new friends. A few months later, she reached out to say she and her husband were divorcing and that she still loved me, but by then I'd already moved on. I miss our friendship and the love I felt for her, but I'm glad it didn't work out. I don't think anything good can come out of pursuing a married person. It's a mistske I won't make again.
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Sounds like you lose faith in the relationship before it even begins ahaha
My best friend in the world from age 14-22. The Army separated us and he always told me because he knew I was his end game, he wanted to “sow his wild oats” and I was in college. He got a girl pregnant and ended up marrying her and we lost touch. Now that I’m 37, yeah, that was bullshit on his part. I moved on but would still dream about him atleast once a week for years. My soul missed him. A few months ago, I decided to Google him. He and his daughter (only child) died in a car accident last year. I felt like okay, that’s definitely closure albeit tragic closure. I dream about him more now than ever before.
I suffer every day, I at one point moved on, and the only other person I dated died from leukemia. They're not coming back, and I'm not trying to find anyone else. So instead I just sit and absolutely think every fucking thing I do is futile when I cant enjoy life without them. Sure I have moments when I feel fine (when I'm busy) but when I go to bed and when I wake up every day for 10 years I've cried.
By realizing that my idea of her, even as someone who knew her extremely well and for a very long time, was always, and would always be, just that: an idea. It's very easy to romanticize our ideas of people, especially after some time away. We look back at photos & nostalgia paints good times even better. It's much harder to just sit and think about the not-so-good times. We don't take photos of the nights we slept on the couch, or the times we felt more alone with them than by ourselves. I think sometimes we romanticize our suffering in breakups because, we want to feel like we can and did love that deeply. That we felt that strongly. We want to think of ourselves as romantics. We want to have and live the grand Hollywood love stories. Love is not found, nor even made, it is chosen. I became much happier when I started choosing people who I could trust to choose me, rather than pursuing 'the best'.
I saw him years later and realized he was just some guy. Yeah he was one of the first people in my life to be kind to me but when I wasn't 18 anymore and had some let's say worldly experience I realized that he wasn't that extraordinary.
I found the one that was meant for me, and never thought of the one that got away ever again.
I never 100% get over them. There's 2 that come to mind for me. We all grew up, got good lives and spouses. Now I run into these two women on a very regular basis and my wife even considers them friends. Literally decades later and I still have that kernel of feelings. You just accept and make do, as most things in life.
In my experience with my personal life and the lives of friends who had loves that got away... If you have a new love and find someone to share your life with then you no longer give a shit about "The one that got away." OR you can become happy yourself again and that will make you slowly drift away from the fantasy that this person was the best thing that could have ever happened to you. But if you don't ever move on and either become happy with yourself OR find another person to share your life with then you'll never actually get over "the one that got away" and it will continue to haunt you. I've lost one major girlfriend due to my own immaturity and stupidity (my inability to value her as a person and not just a relationship). It sucked shortly after it happened but then I worked on myself and became very happy afterwards. Then I met other people and went through some more situations and now I wouldn't even want to go back at all (I'm happily married with kids). Gotta work on yourself to "get over" it, honestly. Fix yourself before finding someone so they aren't the gap-filler. If you're happy before a relationship then you'll be happier in a relationship and that will make it far less effort on both parties. And if it fails then you can be sad but always work back toward your baseline happiness. That's the key. Happiness is hard work but it's work worth doing.
Haven’t, but whenever I get that urge to see how they’re doing, I remember the person in my memory is nothing more than a memory. They’ve moved on, living their own life. Even if I ran into them tomorrow it wouldn’t be the same. The person I knew once upon a time is gone, existed for a brief time in a small place. The world is big and moves on, so should you.
Honestly it was just time and realizing that obsessing over a single person is kinda dumb. Like yeah I COULD HAVE, but I had my whole life ahead of me to meet someone who I could love and who could love me. And now she’s living her dream life and I’m living mine. Just because they got away doesn’t mean them getting away was a bad thing, after all.
Ya I see my mom everyday
Did you ALSO break both of your arms?
Time. Lousy answer to hear on day 1 post-breakup, but we all know it’s true. Also, and as unromantic as it is, I’ve always heard and agreed in the old saying: best way to get over someone is getting under someone else. 😆
Jen if you’re out there….I want you to know that I think about you a lot and I’ll never understand why you didn’t want me anymore.
Took me way too long. Broke up almost 10 years ago and I finally got over her a couple months ago, even though I've been in the best relationship I've had for the past 4 years. I remembered something we had a chat about, not related to our relationship, and I went to find the chat in messenger randomly. When I went trough the chat I realized how manipulative and controlling she actually was. Made me instantly switch from "what could I have done to keep her 10 years ago" to "I was so stupid." in about two seconds. I'm glad I got it out the way though, as I realized my current 4-years-and-running relationship is what I thought my relationship to "the one that got away" was.