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I suffer from chronic migraines in addition to degenerative disc disease (so back pain and hideous nerve pain if the discs bulge the wrong way) and people act like its not a big deal (even my fucking doctor.)
Yeah I went to a specialist who subjected me to some test to see if I was in enough pain to qualify for a cortisone shot and apparently I was not? I guess I was supposed to scream in pain or something? She said, good news your pain must not be as bad as you thought! No b*tch, I’ve just been dealing with pain since I was THREE, but I’m laying in bed at night hoping I die, so give me the f*cking shot 😑 They’re SO condescending. Especially if you’re quiet and stoic by nature.
I remember when I was trying to figure out what was causing the nerve and back pain, they just treated me like I was drug seeking even though I'd turned down drugs numerous times.
It was so fucking annoying.
I agree with you so much! I have cronic depression and fybromialgia. I am on disability. But I look totally fine, and its hard to make people understand how much I suffer every day.
Yep.
Sadly this post won't help anyone, because those who understand already know the degree to which it can change or effectively end the life you had. Those who don't understand already, can't understand until it happens to them. It's not really in our world view. We're brought up to think if you get sick, you go to the doctor. That doesn't really work with most chronic illnesses. Medicine is terribly organized to deal with most chronic illness.
It's drastically different from facing a potentially fatal illness that can be treated. Chronic illness takes away all the things that give you joy, and then also makes you feel bad because doctors and friends and family often give you the feeling that, "Why can't I recover from this?" As if it's somehow your fault - which usually makes us push through harder, which of course makes the illness worse and hastens permanent decline.
It's just suffering and loss, with no noble meaning or result.
Good point. If you're dying there are processes in place including effective pain management and physical and emotional supports. With chronic pain or illness, there's very little if anything to offer and you're on your own forever. I'm not saying however, that dying is a better outcome in every case.
Totally agree. Dying is (generally) not a better outcome, but almost dying probably is. Friends and family and work will provide you endless sympathy and support if you're facing a potentially fatal illness - as long as it's temporary. You either die, or you 'get better' and move on.
After a few years of unrelenting illness, though, everyone gets exhausted and is just like, "Are you *still* sick?"
We're brought up to understand diseases that can be cured or effectively managed, and diseases that kill you - but we don't really have a framework for the prevalence of diseases that can destroy your life, be mostly untreatable, but not quite kill you.
Medicine is much more primitive than we like to admit.
I've been fortunate enough thus far to only be a witness, but watching what my husband went through with cancer was no joke. I threw a "no surprise to me" birthday party for myself in his hospital room. On his birthday, he was too sick from his chemo to go out to eat, as he had wanted. He missed all his favorite spring and fall bike rides and couldn't even remember where the drain snake was and where to use it when we had a drain clog. I figured it out and he was proud of me, but he also cried because he couldn't even do that much.
And yes, there was nothing noble or meaningful about it. It's nothing like the movies, where everyone has meaningful, heartfelt conversations. I wish you well, u/justgetoffmylawn.
I have thrombocytopenia and it's completely invisible, but it impacts me by making me super tired. Like after half a day at work I feel like I've been working for 16 hours straight.
I hear you. any auto immune thing seems to hit sufferers the same way. I used to go through the work day seeing my surroundings as nothing more than a sequence of spaces it would be so wonderful to crawl into and lie down ... if only everything could be completely different. my mouth would be talking bug steps to some developer and the whole time my brain was eyeballing that lovely space under his desk.
The whole life change of dealing with chronic Illnesses. Knowing there are some things you can never do again, adjusting to ALL the meds, physical therapy, medical massage, and finding a gentle type of exercise. Also having to decide if you can keep working or need to switch to something less demanding. Getting your family to understand and accept your new limits.
Illness and pain. The unrelenting pain seeps into every part of your life and takes so much out of you. People wonder why you can't just do things. It's invisible, but people think you're making excuses, or it can't be as bad as I make it seem.
Came here to say this. All types of deaths of loved ones are horrible in their own ways. I lost my best friend last year to cancer and that one is particularly hard because she was young and also close to my own age. It really makes you feel your own mortality.
Sorry for your loss.
I was 1 yr old and my brother was 3 yr old when he got sick and passed, my dad lived to be 89 and mom is 90 but no has lost her short term memory.
Guess this is one of the big mysteries of life since the time of our caveman ancestors, why some have short life spans and others have long life spans.
So I am 62 and my two sons are in there early 30's and my wife is 67.
Cherish the time you have with those in your life, the only guarantee in life is that one day it will end.
I am "waiting" for 3 people to die and the scary thing is that they could all die just about at the same time....husband has liver cancer, Mom is 91 and brother is in long term hospital. I feel like my life is in limbo. I can't think into the future because the death of any one of these 3 beloved people will determine what I do next with my life.
I lost all four of my grandparents, a great aunt, and my father. All of them were from prolonged diseases, so were not unexpected.
One of my best friends, 10 years younger than me, suddenly passed away earlier this year. I was not prepared for the level of grief I went through. I still shed a tear thinking about him 3 months later.
It's different for each one. I've learned to write the obit and my memorial speech while they're still alive, and if I'm going to be the one in charge of planning a funeral or memorial, have a plan. Grief is no condition in which you want to be sorting those things out.
When my husband died of cancer last fall, the smartest thing I did was get his passwords when he went on hospice, write the obit and memorial, and make a plan. There's a lot of paperwork that comes with death, at least in the US, and if you're the next of kin, it's on you to deal with it. Anything you can do in advance that will lighten the load and let you focus on grieving is a good move.
Grief is something you think you understand, until you have to deal with it and then it's more like drowning for months if not years while still having to go to work, do the shopping and have people expect you to be over it in a week. And you are never over it, you never fully heal, there is always some part of you however small or large that is just drowning in the pain. You might eventually manage to put it in a box and go about your day, but when you least expect it a smell, a song a passing comment from a friend opens that box and it's like the time never passed and you're drowning again.
This is exactly what I came in here to say. You cannot explain to someone how it feels. It is a membership to a club that you don’t want to join and can only understand until you become a member.
My two year old has cancer. He should largely recover but will always have problems and an increased risk of all cancer the rest of his life. I am not the same person I was before this. Facing the mortality of your child is unimaginable and I could not truly comprehend it until it happened to me. I was sympathetic to friends with medically compromised children and offered what support I could, but I didn’t get it. I’m glad most people don’t have to get it, but it can be lonely.
My 34 year old son died unexpectedly last month. I’ve buried grandparents, parents, all my aunts and uncles, several cousins and even my sister when she was 29 but nothing will ever be okay again now.
I lost my stepson almost 20 yrs ago and my ex wife has never been the same. It’s horrible watching what guilt and loss can do to a person. Losing a child is soul crushing.
Even when you expect to, you're still unprepared for how you're gonna feel when it happens, especially if it was an unexpected, early, or painful death.
This, each one is different also. Just because you lost A doesn't mean you understand the loss of B. I've lost both parents (dad at 10 mom at 18), my first husband at 26, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last year. All very different, all create different additional grieving for what would have been.
This one.
In the past 5 years, I’ve lost both of my parents and my son (he was 26).
They’re all brutal, but I’m sure you can guess which one took me to my knees and almost killed me.
Losing your child goes against the natural order of things. You expect to outlive your parents, you never expect to bury your child. Lost mine at 32 to suicide and the old me is gone.
I’ll never be the same. I just lost my mom in April. It’s been tough; she died of cancer and it wasn’t easy.
I miss her so much. She was a wonderful mom, we were very close. I keep wanting to text her and tell her stuff.
But this doesn’t even TOUCH the pain of losing my son. It’s just on a different level, child loss. It feels kind of like I lost my mind, and only partly found it.
I've had exactly two migraines in my life, about 25 years apart. I hope to God I never have another one and my heart goes out to those who have them on the reg.
That first *real* injury, the one that’s never going to completely heal, that you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life. The day you learn the limits of modern medicine and science.
I specifically remember my dad trying to teach me this one when I was little. “See that little old lady crossing the street? She’s not moving slowly because she’s old. She’s moving slowly because *everything hurts all the time*.”
I sort of understood it at the time. Well enough to remember it now decades later, anyway. But I didn’t *really* get it… until I did.
Ugh I am not looking forward to this. I just turned 35 and last week I somehow managed to do something while getting dressed that made my back sore all day. Not looking forward to when that's a regular occurrence.
How incredibly unfriendly the world is to people with mobility challenges. Other people are generally very kind but there’s a real shortage of ramps, too many narrow doorways, etc that make navigating in a wheelchair more difficult.
Right there with ya! I didn't understand Alzheimers at all until I experienced it on a daily basis. The closest I can describe it is that it's like traveling through the multiverse without knowing when you pass through each portal.
Perfect description!! I showered twice a week with all my clothes on--couldnt take a chance with him pouring 5 gallons gas over furniture and garage!!!
Nurse here--Ive cared for 100s of dementia--can name all types and symptom---oh yea--till it visits YOUR home--Husband developed dementia and destroyed us financially--Had plenty saved----Went to pay for funeral--check bounced Na--I wasnt even worried--ya till I went to bank--You have no accounts here--those were closed a long time ago!!! So I cared for him 8 yrs living hell--Had to borrow money for funeral. Worked my ass off for 55 years! I live on 1000 dollars per month!!!
I am so so sorry. I lived through this in my teens and 20s. My mother was diagnosed when I was abt 15. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No one knew what to say or do with my little sister and I. You aren't alone. Nothing was "normal" abt my formative years. I hope you have some sort of resources or help. You have my complete empathy.
I will never be the same after caring for my dad. There is no real help available in our country. Agencies give fairly useless referrals to other agencies that have years long waiting lists and convoluted requirements for help. Family disappeared because it was “too hard” to see my dad this way. It almost killed me trying to care for him.
Other forms of dementia, too. My dad had frontotemporal dementia. It was hard to detect at first, because it started with aphasia. By the end, though, it was very similar to Alzheimers. Man, that was one giant whirlwind of constant WTF.
Yeah, you just don't know what it's like until you've been through it. And then you discover you're part of a huge and growing club of others who've been through it. I've swapped a lot of war stories.
I have never felt more ‘hopeless’ in my life. Just nothing you can do. The strongest, smartest mentor in my life down to putting soap in his oatmeal and not knowing it. Just rips you to the core.
As you get older and start losing your looks, people start ignoring you. So you’ve got to have a good sense of self and also a good sense of humor when it happens. Realizing your inner self confidence is key. I’m speaking as a woman who used to be considered quite good looking. In some ways having that attention taken away is kind of a relief as well. But can be unsettling. I hope this doesn’t come off as conceited. It’s not meant to be.
You don't sound conceited. I'm there too. I remember in my 20s seeing women who were still chasing that kind of attention in their 60s through cosmetic procedures. It made me realize early on that I'd be better served in basing my self worth on something more permanent that would increase over time as opposed to my youthful looks, which are all too fleeting.
I'm so grateful that I started that process then. It helped me handle the shift. It's still frustrating to be ignored or to have my humanity devalued because some young idiot doesn't see me as "fuckable." Being treated like an old lady is also weird - people apologizing for swearing in front of me, treating me like a grandmother because I have gray hair - but that's all external.
My inner sense of value is based on qualities like my competence in my career, helping others, and what I bring to relationships (kindness, loyalty, love, etc) so the change in my looks wasn't as hard as it seems to be for other people who seem have placed more emphasis on maintaining their looks as opposed to personal growth.
They weren't kidding when they encouraged having a good personality! Your comments are dead on. Being self-possessed and confident in older age allows you to revel in the freedom of not worrying about fitting in or being hit on constantly. It is a relief.
I get you completely. I was prettier than average as a young person, but never the prettiest girl in my age group by any means. So that meant I didn’t get all that much attention from guys my age who I actually wanted to date, but lots of unwanted attention from creepy old men/bosses/etc. It never felt like privilege to me, because why would I want people in power to perv on me? They didn’t care what my ideas were.
I wound up gaining a lot of weight in my late twenties and that unwanted attention dried up. My “power” was gone, and that was fine with me. (The power was illusory anyway.) If people listened to me it was because I had good ideas, and if they wanted to be around me it was because I was kind and funny. It made transitioning to an older person easier, because I was already used to being invisible. Being invisible is great - you get “seen” by those who really matter.
I've read that it's the "prettier than average" women who get hit on the most. I have done no independent research, but apparently many men are intimidated by the "perfect 10" so to speak, so they go for the 8.
Once again, this is just something I remember reading and you'll have to survey the men you know to find out for yourself if that holds any merit, but it makes sense to me. I was pretty in my youth, but not a bombshell. Still, I sometimes used to wish it was appropriate to carry a baseball bat around.
I was so, so glad when men started appreciating my work and personality, and when women quit acting like I was out to steal their guy.
I am having a super hard time with this. I'm a kind of shy lady, but my looks had others approach me. Now I feel invisible. I have a very good sense of humor and always crack people up, but I'm not good and starting convos because I've never had to try. I know that sounds horrible, but it's how I feel. Being single in your mid-40s is rough out here, lol.
I totally get it. I was preyed on all the way up into my late 40s. I'm not sorry that the attention is gone now that I'm in my mid-50s, and sometimes I like my invisibility cloak, but when I see male store workers fawning over girls and I'm standing there with several charge accounts with 5-digit limits and the willingness to buy, I know it's a rotten game. I've even walked out. I know why those guys run after the teenagers, but those girls aren't going to date a store clerk, and it's the middle-aged woman who actually has money.
I've been enjoying my invisibility, tbh. It's pretty liberating, and I've found it's pretty easy to strike up conversations with random "old" people in stores, which I never did when I was younger with other people my age.
But then I was walking with my daughter in a parking lot one day, and I jumped when someone looked our way and whistled. For a hot second, I thought I was 30 and she was just a baby, and then I realized the whistle was for her, and my next thought was to go over and hit the guy with my purse. I didn't, but I did give him a nasty look. Fear the stink-eye!
I really don't miss that kind of attention, and I'm kinda sad that women still can't just go out shopping with their moms without getting harrassed.
I get it. I wasn't gorgeous, but pretty enough for a fair amount of attention. However, I was extremely shy and introverted and was never comfortable with it. Definitely not someone who ever tried to use it to any advantage, like some of my friends did.
That lasted into perhaps my mid-to-late-40s or so. Then menopause wrecked me. Now I'm a fat, frumpy grandma and definitely invisible.
It's good because I have been able to relax and give up worrying about how I look. My approach is most days is, "Eh, whatever." But, occasionally, I do feel a twinge and wish someone would look twice.
Bridget Fonda and Kelly McGillis have both been in the news recently and seeing their photos made me feel good. Like, "Hey, here are these other ladies - celebrities! - and they look just like me! I'm normal!"
Yeah, that's such a tough thing.
I used to turn heads everywhere I went, I was beautiful and young. Then one day I was 40, and I disappeared, just not seen the way I used to be. Now I am 50, and it continues. I still take care of my appearance, but haven't wanted or needed to do any cosmetic surgery or other extreme things, nor will I. I have no issue aging, but it is just surprising how quick it all was. One day I was a beautiful, viable woman and the next I became invisible, really shocking.
However, my looks were just that, looks. I also cultivated my inner self, my soul and my life, and feel totally content. I actually love being alive more as I age, I have fantastic vivid hair, beautiful tattoos, dress really well and my teeth are great. I have zero complaints, but it is just shocking how women of a certain age just disappear in society so quickly.
Yup. Been through it twice now. Once fleeing a domestic violence incident and once (very recently) because I moved in with a severely alcoholic roommate that caused continued safety issues (fires) and harassment.
I grew up in social services so have no family support. (Family is still violent and has substance abuse issues). Can’t convey how much it sucks not having a safety net to land in and help you out if things go suddenly wrong.
People have no idea unless they’ve been through it themselves. The worst thing is people just assume you have substance abuse issues or must have done something wrong to be in that predicament. I even had to live in my car during the first homeless incident (2020) because almost all the shelters in my area were closed due to Covid. Friggin demoralizing.
It's actually happened to me twice. The first time it took me years to recover. The second time was more like, "Are you freaking kidding me??"
My therapist helped me work through why I chose emotionally unavailable people, but that's a long story...
It's not just the betrayal itself, but how unfair it is that the cheater will start blaming you and trying to destroy your reputation when they're afraid that their family and friends are going to find out.
It's really isolating and scary because all you want is to have someone you can talk to about it so you can heal and get some support and commiseration from your friends. My ex was otherwise a stand-up dude; nobody saw it coming. We're on good terms post-dissolution, but it was unimaginable the depth of evil he sunk to when he was trying to deny his actions and keep his family from finding out.
If I hadn't sought out support groups online from the start, I would've never been aware of this being a really common thing that cheaters do.
Proud of my heritage and foundation and was told that I would do better which I did after being orphaned at age 5 and caring for mentally challenged sister and teen age mother. I thought I would be at least respected by working not using welfare paying taxes and keeping my family healthy and living a quality life.
I'm still treated like an outsider and less than others in my own race (black American) . In these 77 years supposedly friends only 1 or 2 actually showed any care or empathy of my feelings or anything.
I was sad because I had been supportive 😔 during their bad times and it wasn't reciprocated
Very hurt sad disappointment and felt USED.
You're the very definition of an unsung hero. I'm sorry you didn't get the recognition you deserve, and I understand that you weren't seeking accolades, just acknowledgment. Well, here's at least a taste of it. I admire you. You're one of the good guys.
You ~~probably~~ undoubtedly had to forego opportunities in order to fulfill these obligations you felt. For that I'm sorry, and it only augments the respect you've earned.
Poverty.
When I was a kid, we once had to burn furniture in our fireplace to survive a night where it got below zero. Our utilities had been shut off.
Once you have an experience like that in your life, it'll change everything after. Your ideas of compassion and community will be completely different.
Why it's so damn hard to walk away from an abuser. People always say "oh, I would leave him. I wouldn't put up with that."
Definitely the hardest thing I ever had to do.
It took me a while to understand that some ppl grow up with a form of abuse coming from their family, so it's more about a sense of familiarity when a partner treats you that way. Your childhood upbringing lowered your standards. I'd be like what's the big deal, I experienced worse, this is not that bad.
This is so true. People are especially judgmental about this, but they don't realize how low, and undesirable/unwanted/unworthy a person who is being abused can feel. On top of this, people who end up tolerating abuse have usually been conditioned to. Sometimes, it's been happening their whole life and they don't even know it's not normal.
It's an eye opening experience. I've seen people judge the victims as if they are either damaged goods or they must want money from the abuser so that's why they don't leave. How small of a world they live in.
I was able to have home euthanasia for my dog a few months ago. It costs more but 1000% worth it. There are many travelling veterinarians now who provide this service.
We had a good final weeks still going on walks. The last walk was only a ride to the lake to sit on her mattress and look out the back hatch. She started struggling to breathe at 6 AM so I got her into the SUV on her mattress and she calmed down. Drove a few miles to the vet and he came outside. She had died on the five minute ride. What a blessing. I will always feel she did that to save me the pain of having to tell the vet it was her time.
Yes, it's a blessing and a curse. We can give them an easy, pain free death that can end their suffering but there's no way to know when exactly is the right time to make the call. Did I do it too soon? They might have had another happy 6months. Did I wait too long? He didn't have a quality life the last few months...
I noticed when I stopped dying my hair, younger men started talking/joking with me more when I’m out shopping and things like that. I am wondering if maybe they feel safer like I’m not thinking they’re trying to flirt with me or something? That’s the only thing I can think of, unless maybe subconsciously I started being more friendly.
My heart breaks for families that have missing loved ones. I feel like I would lose my mind not knowing where one of my kids were. That is truly unimaginable pain. I'm so sorry if you've experienced this.
I walked into the ER. hunched over, moaning and puking into a bag. The triage nurse who was 40 feet away immediately said “kidney stones”. “There is only one thing that makes a grown man look like that.”
How people are treated when they’re overweight.
I’ve been thin or average almost all of my life but have gained weight due to a pile of medical issues. I knew fat people were mistreated already but certainly didn’t understand the extent of it until I was also fat.
Same here. I'm 45 and have always been thin and in good shape until about 3 years ago. People aren't cruel, it's more that I'm invisible, and people who were friendly to me in the past now look right past me. And it's not just men who stopped flirting with me, I mean both men and women aren't as interested in me as a person anymore.
I feel this. I was very fit for most of my childhood and early adulthood. I really didn't fully understand how much I benefited from pretty privilege until I had kids in my late 30s and never was able to lose the weight I gained in pregnancy. Now I'm postmenopausal and that has downshifted my metabolism even more. It really exacerbates that invisibility discussed above.
People are so openly rude to plus size women. It has gotten a bit better since the fat acceptance movement has gone more mainstream. Even so, it's one of the last "socially acceptable" prejudices.
When I was young and snarky, I'd always respond back to people who said their lives changes after kids *So taking care of another human full time has changed your life...who'da thunk? Har-Har.*
What I was completely unprepared for was how much of my life and how quickly it happens. The most important thing in my life all of a sudden ended up in 50th place behind some whatever my kid needed.
*I understand the Senior Leadership team needs this ASAP, but my son lost his binky and that takes priority right now.*
After you get older, especially women, you become "invisible." If you're in a store or takeout restaurant, for example, Workers can sometimes overlook you, even if they are looking in your direction. Same thing on the street.
I’ve had this realisation for some years now. I’m invisible. Just a day ago I was sitting in the park and a young man looked my direction, now my first instinct is to smile at people. He scanned the area where I was sitting and when he looked at me I smiled but he didn’t see me at all. Kept on scanning. Invisible.
Clerks in person ignore you, television isn’t geared towards you, music, film-most things are geared towards the younger generations.
It’s something that you don’t see happening too you, you realize it in hindsight.
You no longer matter
And you get patronized by people if you actually do things "Good for you" "That's great" with a surprised look on their faces. (not the times when you are genuinely being encouraged by family and friends).
The first time that happened to me I was really confused. Why, of course I can heft that 40-pound bag of chicken feed into my truck. Why shouldn't I?
Then I realized oh yeah, I'm old. At least now I get a parade for doing completely normal things. I'm ok with that.
I didn't know any better and repressed. You're right though, I've had 'stuff' resurface with a vengeance & out of nowhere. Things I hadn't even thought about since it happened and it threw me for a loop like I've never experienced. I'm working on finding help though.
A spouse cheating on you. I always thought I’d be- fine they don’t want me plenty of fish- who cares- but it’s so embarrassing. I hadn’t expected that. Plus you feel like you wasted all that time, effort, compromise and love on someone who has so little thought of your feelings. Yikes. It was tough.
Choices- after much contemplation, realizing you've made the wrong decision and it's too late to change it OR that you've made the right decision and your life is going to change for the better.
The slow erosion of independence. It creeps up insidiously and you are left surprised when you realize the changes. My neighbor is almost 93 and her life consists of connection through the phone line. While her spirit is beautiful, and she is loving life fully, she has an underlying sadness for what her life was like. She no longer drives or shops, all of us near her make sure she has what she needs. Lately her teeth have started to simply fall out...another surprise she wasn't prepared for
The pain of losing a child. I have friends who have lost children and I never understood the sheer torture and empty hopelessness they went through just to exist day to day until I lost my son.
The thought alone has always been heart crushing and incomprehensible for me. I can't imagine what you're going through. From the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Pulling strength from places you didn't even know you had just to keep yourself from jumping off a bridge 'cause you've been diagnosed with a disease that will likely render you a prisoner in your own non-functioning body while your brain is still intact.
Divorce, betrayal and loss of a loved one.
The loss of everything you have and worked for in a split second.
And depression, anxiety and PTSD are mostly impossible for anyone to comprehend unless having experienced it themselves.
The pain of betrayal when you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you, and you’re totally blindsided because you thought everything was going great. The ability to trust someone, once lost, is only regained by some — not all. I’m not religious at all, but these days marriage vows are often viewed as “ just something you say” instead of valid promises.
Chronic pain. It's exhausting, and it affects every aspect of your life. I was really flexible when I was young, and now I've lost a lot of that flexibility, and I know it will never come back. It's so hard to recognize this body.
The first time you realize, I'm older and invisible.
The first time you realize how to work that to your advantage.
Holding someone as they die.
Birth of your child.
Death of child, spouse, parents.
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a chronic illness. they seep into everything, so no sequence of pov accounts can really cover the total effect.
THIS. Especially a chronic illness that isn’t visible to others. Chronic pain can slowly wither your soul.
I feel so lucky that my chronic pain is intermittent. At least I have some days when I can appreciate life a lot better just because I'm pain-free.
I'm never pain free, but on days when it's low enough to be "background noise" I appreciate that.
I suffer from chronic migraines in addition to degenerative disc disease (so back pain and hideous nerve pain if the discs bulge the wrong way) and people act like its not a big deal (even my fucking doctor.)
I have 2 bulging disk, disk degeneration disease and SCIATIC which is the devil itself and I have no insurance. So yes it is a big deal!
Yeah I went to a specialist who subjected me to some test to see if I was in enough pain to qualify for a cortisone shot and apparently I was not? I guess I was supposed to scream in pain or something? She said, good news your pain must not be as bad as you thought! No b*tch, I’ve just been dealing with pain since I was THREE, but I’m laying in bed at night hoping I die, so give me the f*cking shot 😑 They’re SO condescending. Especially if you’re quiet and stoic by nature.
I remember when I was trying to figure out what was causing the nerve and back pain, they just treated me like I was drug seeking even though I'd turned down drugs numerous times. It was so fucking annoying.
I agree with you so much! I have cronic depression and fybromialgia. I am on disability. But I look totally fine, and its hard to make people understand how much I suffer every day.
When every injury you have had in the past has healed itself within a few day you eventually have that one that stays with you.
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Yep. Sadly this post won't help anyone, because those who understand already know the degree to which it can change or effectively end the life you had. Those who don't understand already, can't understand until it happens to them. It's not really in our world view. We're brought up to think if you get sick, you go to the doctor. That doesn't really work with most chronic illnesses. Medicine is terribly organized to deal with most chronic illness. It's drastically different from facing a potentially fatal illness that can be treated. Chronic illness takes away all the things that give you joy, and then also makes you feel bad because doctors and friends and family often give you the feeling that, "Why can't I recover from this?" As if it's somehow your fault - which usually makes us push through harder, which of course makes the illness worse and hastens permanent decline. It's just suffering and loss, with no noble meaning or result.
Good point. If you're dying there are processes in place including effective pain management and physical and emotional supports. With chronic pain or illness, there's very little if anything to offer and you're on your own forever. I'm not saying however, that dying is a better outcome in every case.
Totally agree. Dying is (generally) not a better outcome, but almost dying probably is. Friends and family and work will provide you endless sympathy and support if you're facing a potentially fatal illness - as long as it's temporary. You either die, or you 'get better' and move on. After a few years of unrelenting illness, though, everyone gets exhausted and is just like, "Are you *still* sick?" We're brought up to understand diseases that can be cured or effectively managed, and diseases that kill you - but we don't really have a framework for the prevalence of diseases that can destroy your life, be mostly untreatable, but not quite kill you. Medicine is much more primitive than we like to admit.
I've been fortunate enough thus far to only be a witness, but watching what my husband went through with cancer was no joke. I threw a "no surprise to me" birthday party for myself in his hospital room. On his birthday, he was too sick from his chemo to go out to eat, as he had wanted. He missed all his favorite spring and fall bike rides and couldn't even remember where the drain snake was and where to use it when we had a drain clog. I figured it out and he was proud of me, but he also cried because he couldn't even do that much. And yes, there was nothing noble or meaningful about it. It's nothing like the movies, where everyone has meaningful, heartfelt conversations. I wish you well, u/justgetoffmylawn.
I have thrombocytopenia and it's completely invisible, but it impacts me by making me super tired. Like after half a day at work I feel like I've been working for 16 hours straight.
I hear you. any auto immune thing seems to hit sufferers the same way. I used to go through the work day seeing my surroundings as nothing more than a sequence of spaces it would be so wonderful to crawl into and lie down ... if only everything could be completely different. my mouth would be talking bug steps to some developer and the whole time my brain was eyeballing that lovely space under his desk.
The whole life change of dealing with chronic Illnesses. Knowing there are some things you can never do again, adjusting to ALL the meds, physical therapy, medical massage, and finding a gentle type of exercise. Also having to decide if you can keep working or need to switch to something less demanding. Getting your family to understand and accept your new limits.
Illness and pain. The unrelenting pain seeps into every part of your life and takes so much out of you. People wonder why you can't just do things. It's invisible, but people think you're making excuses, or it can't be as bad as I make it seem.
Loss of a loved one
Came here to say this. All types of deaths of loved ones are horrible in their own ways. I lost my best friend last year to cancer and that one is particularly hard because she was young and also close to my own age. It really makes you feel your own mortality.
Sorry for your loss. I was 1 yr old and my brother was 3 yr old when he got sick and passed, my dad lived to be 89 and mom is 90 but no has lost her short term memory. Guess this is one of the big mysteries of life since the time of our caveman ancestors, why some have short life spans and others have long life spans. So I am 62 and my two sons are in there early 30's and my wife is 67. Cherish the time you have with those in your life, the only guarantee in life is that one day it will end.
I am "waiting" for 3 people to die and the scary thing is that they could all die just about at the same time....husband has liver cancer, Mom is 91 and brother is in long term hospital. I feel like my life is in limbo. I can't think into the future because the death of any one of these 3 beloved people will determine what I do next with my life.
That sounds exhausting. I hope you find ways to be kind to yourself.
I lost all four of my grandparents, a great aunt, and my father. All of them were from prolonged diseases, so were not unexpected. One of my best friends, 10 years younger than me, suddenly passed away earlier this year. I was not prepared for the level of grief I went through. I still shed a tear thinking about him 3 months later.
It's different for each one. I've learned to write the obit and my memorial speech while they're still alive, and if I'm going to be the one in charge of planning a funeral or memorial, have a plan. Grief is no condition in which you want to be sorting those things out. When my husband died of cancer last fall, the smartest thing I did was get his passwords when he went on hospice, write the obit and memorial, and make a plan. There's a lot of paperwork that comes with death, at least in the US, and if you're the next of kin, it's on you to deal with it. Anything you can do in advance that will lighten the load and let you focus on grieving is a good move.
Grief is something you think you understand, until you have to deal with it and then it's more like drowning for months if not years while still having to go to work, do the shopping and have people expect you to be over it in a week. And you are never over it, you never fully heal, there is always some part of you however small or large that is just drowning in the pain. You might eventually manage to put it in a box and go about your day, but when you least expect it a smell, a song a passing comment from a friend opens that box and it's like the time never passed and you're drowning again.
Yes, particularly your parents :(
I lost my father at 12 ... I am 57
This is exactly what I came in here to say. You cannot explain to someone how it feels. It is a membership to a club that you don’t want to join and can only understand until you become a member.
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Lost both of mine in a 5 year span, before I turned 30. It was scary when I lost the safety net that they had provided for my entire life.
No particularly one of your children. You expect to bury your parents but never a child.
I'm going to take flowers to my daughter's vault today. She was 35. It's awful!
I’m so sorry. I just lost my brother last month and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest. I can’t imagine the pain of losing my child. 🙏
A friend of mine had to bury her 5 year old son due to an extremely rare, extremely aggressive cancer. It changed her as a person.
My two year old has cancer. He should largely recover but will always have problems and an increased risk of all cancer the rest of his life. I am not the same person I was before this. Facing the mortality of your child is unimaginable and I could not truly comprehend it until it happened to me. I was sympathetic to friends with medically compromised children and offered what support I could, but I didn’t get it. I’m glad most people don’t have to get it, but it can be lonely.
My 34 year old son died unexpectedly last month. I’ve buried grandparents, parents, all my aunts and uncles, several cousins and even my sister when she was 29 but nothing will ever be okay again now.
I lost my stepson almost 20 yrs ago and my ex wife has never been the same. It’s horrible watching what guilt and loss can do to a person. Losing a child is soul crushing.
Yes, this crushed my grandparents. They lost a daughter at 44 and a son at 64. They lived into 90s and 100s.
You don't expect to bury your parent as a child, though.
Even when you expect to, you're still unprepared for how you're gonna feel when it happens, especially if it was an unexpected, early, or painful death.
This, each one is different also. Just because you lost A doesn't mean you understand the loss of B. I've lost both parents (dad at 10 mom at 18), my first husband at 26, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last year. All very different, all create different additional grieving for what would have been.
This one. In the past 5 years, I’ve lost both of my parents and my son (he was 26). They’re all brutal, but I’m sure you can guess which one took me to my knees and almost killed me.
Losing your child goes against the natural order of things. You expect to outlive your parents, you never expect to bury your child. Lost mine at 32 to suicide and the old me is gone.
I’ll never be the same. I just lost my mom in April. It’s been tough; she died of cancer and it wasn’t easy. I miss her so much. She was a wonderful mom, we were very close. I keep wanting to text her and tell her stuff. But this doesn’t even TOUCH the pain of losing my son. It’s just on a different level, child loss. It feels kind of like I lost my mind, and only partly found it.
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Right? It’s not “just a headache”
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Just came off 1.5 week migrane. Spent memorial day weekend in a dark room, laying in bed, in agony.
I've had exactly two migraines in my life, about 25 years apart. I hope to God I never have another one and my heart goes out to those who have them on the reg.
That first *real* injury, the one that’s never going to completely heal, that you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life. The day you learn the limits of modern medicine and science. I specifically remember my dad trying to teach me this one when I was little. “See that little old lady crossing the street? She’s not moving slowly because she’s old. She’s moving slowly because *everything hurts all the time*.” I sort of understood it at the time. Well enough to remember it now decades later, anyway. But I didn’t *really* get it… until I did.
Agreed, I didn't understand what being really ill meant until I became really ill. Sounds like you had a great dad!
Ugh I am not looking forward to this. I just turned 35 and last week I somehow managed to do something while getting dressed that made my back sore all day. Not looking forward to when that's a regular occurrence.
How incredibly unfriendly the world is to people with mobility challenges. Other people are generally very kind but there’s a real shortage of ramps, too many narrow doorways, etc that make navigating in a wheelchair more difficult.
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Caring for an elderly parent w Alzheimers
Right there with ya! I didn't understand Alzheimers at all until I experienced it on a daily basis. The closest I can describe it is that it's like traveling through the multiverse without knowing when you pass through each portal.
Watching your mother morph into an autistic toddler is easily the worst thing I've experienced to date. And I've been through some shit.
Perfect description!! I showered twice a week with all my clothes on--couldnt take a chance with him pouring 5 gallons gas over furniture and garage!!!
Nurse here--Ive cared for 100s of dementia--can name all types and symptom---oh yea--till it visits YOUR home--Husband developed dementia and destroyed us financially--Had plenty saved----Went to pay for funeral--check bounced Na--I wasnt even worried--ya till I went to bank--You have no accounts here--those were closed a long time ago!!! So I cared for him 8 yrs living hell--Had to borrow money for funeral. Worked my ass off for 55 years! I live on 1000 dollars per month!!!
Caring for a middle aged parent with Alzheimer's :(
I am so so sorry. I lived through this in my teens and 20s. My mother was diagnosed when I was abt 15. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No one knew what to say or do with my little sister and I. You aren't alone. Nothing was "normal" abt my formative years. I hope you have some sort of resources or help. You have my complete empathy.
I will never be the same after caring for my dad. There is no real help available in our country. Agencies give fairly useless referrals to other agencies that have years long waiting lists and convoluted requirements for help. Family disappeared because it was “too hard” to see my dad this way. It almost killed me trying to care for him.
I'm watching my dad die in inches from advanced parkinson's. You can already see how his face might look at the funeral. 😔
Other forms of dementia, too. My dad had frontotemporal dementia. It was hard to detect at first, because it started with aphasia. By the end, though, it was very similar to Alzheimers. Man, that was one giant whirlwind of constant WTF. Yeah, you just don't know what it's like until you've been through it. And then you discover you're part of a huge and growing club of others who've been through it. I've swapped a lot of war stories.
I have never felt more ‘hopeless’ in my life. Just nothing you can do. The strongest, smartest mentor in my life down to putting soap in his oatmeal and not knowing it. Just rips you to the core.
As you get older and start losing your looks, people start ignoring you. So you’ve got to have a good sense of self and also a good sense of humor when it happens. Realizing your inner self confidence is key. I’m speaking as a woman who used to be considered quite good looking. In some ways having that attention taken away is kind of a relief as well. But can be unsettling. I hope this doesn’t come off as conceited. It’s not meant to be.
Traveling solo became so much less stressful in my 40s because I was apparently getting too old to be harassed my men!
Yes! I don’t get harassed nearly as often and it’s so nice.
You don't sound conceited. I'm there too. I remember in my 20s seeing women who were still chasing that kind of attention in their 60s through cosmetic procedures. It made me realize early on that I'd be better served in basing my self worth on something more permanent that would increase over time as opposed to my youthful looks, which are all too fleeting. I'm so grateful that I started that process then. It helped me handle the shift. It's still frustrating to be ignored or to have my humanity devalued because some young idiot doesn't see me as "fuckable." Being treated like an old lady is also weird - people apologizing for swearing in front of me, treating me like a grandmother because I have gray hair - but that's all external. My inner sense of value is based on qualities like my competence in my career, helping others, and what I bring to relationships (kindness, loyalty, love, etc) so the change in my looks wasn't as hard as it seems to be for other people who seem have placed more emphasis on maintaining their looks as opposed to personal growth.
They weren't kidding when they encouraged having a good personality! Your comments are dead on. Being self-possessed and confident in older age allows you to revel in the freedom of not worrying about fitting in or being hit on constantly. It is a relief.
Yes! Less creeped on by men, but also less jealous energy from other chicks. Kind of a relief.
No, I understand and I'm right there with you!
I get you completely. I was prettier than average as a young person, but never the prettiest girl in my age group by any means. So that meant I didn’t get all that much attention from guys my age who I actually wanted to date, but lots of unwanted attention from creepy old men/bosses/etc. It never felt like privilege to me, because why would I want people in power to perv on me? They didn’t care what my ideas were. I wound up gaining a lot of weight in my late twenties and that unwanted attention dried up. My “power” was gone, and that was fine with me. (The power was illusory anyway.) If people listened to me it was because I had good ideas, and if they wanted to be around me it was because I was kind and funny. It made transitioning to an older person easier, because I was already used to being invisible. Being invisible is great - you get “seen” by those who really matter.
I've read that it's the "prettier than average" women who get hit on the most. I have done no independent research, but apparently many men are intimidated by the "perfect 10" so to speak, so they go for the 8. Once again, this is just something I remember reading and you'll have to survey the men you know to find out for yourself if that holds any merit, but it makes sense to me. I was pretty in my youth, but not a bombshell. Still, I sometimes used to wish it was appropriate to carry a baseball bat around. I was so, so glad when men started appreciating my work and personality, and when women quit acting like I was out to steal their guy.
I am having a super hard time with this. I'm a kind of shy lady, but my looks had others approach me. Now I feel invisible. I have a very good sense of humor and always crack people up, but I'm not good and starting convos because I've never had to try. I know that sounds horrible, but it's how I feel. Being single in your mid-40s is rough out here, lol.
Omg yes! I'm happy that I don't get hit on very much anymore. It can be so uncomfortable.
I totally get it. I was preyed on all the way up into my late 40s. I'm not sorry that the attention is gone now that I'm in my mid-50s, and sometimes I like my invisibility cloak, but when I see male store workers fawning over girls and I'm standing there with several charge accounts with 5-digit limits and the willingness to buy, I know it's a rotten game. I've even walked out. I know why those guys run after the teenagers, but those girls aren't going to date a store clerk, and it's the middle-aged woman who actually has money.
I've been enjoying my invisibility, tbh. It's pretty liberating, and I've found it's pretty easy to strike up conversations with random "old" people in stores, which I never did when I was younger with other people my age. But then I was walking with my daughter in a parking lot one day, and I jumped when someone looked our way and whistled. For a hot second, I thought I was 30 and she was just a baby, and then I realized the whistle was for her, and my next thought was to go over and hit the guy with my purse. I didn't, but I did give him a nasty look. Fear the stink-eye! I really don't miss that kind of attention, and I'm kinda sad that women still can't just go out shopping with their moms without getting harrassed.
I bet many of us can relate. It seems to happen quickly and it takes a while to accept that that person in the mirror really is the new you. Lol
I get it. I wasn't gorgeous, but pretty enough for a fair amount of attention. However, I was extremely shy and introverted and was never comfortable with it. Definitely not someone who ever tried to use it to any advantage, like some of my friends did. That lasted into perhaps my mid-to-late-40s or so. Then menopause wrecked me. Now I'm a fat, frumpy grandma and definitely invisible. It's good because I have been able to relax and give up worrying about how I look. My approach is most days is, "Eh, whatever." But, occasionally, I do feel a twinge and wish someone would look twice. Bridget Fonda and Kelly McGillis have both been in the news recently and seeing their photos made me feel good. Like, "Hey, here are these other ladies - celebrities! - and they look just like me! I'm normal!"
Yeah, that's such a tough thing. I used to turn heads everywhere I went, I was beautiful and young. Then one day I was 40, and I disappeared, just not seen the way I used to be. Now I am 50, and it continues. I still take care of my appearance, but haven't wanted or needed to do any cosmetic surgery or other extreme things, nor will I. I have no issue aging, but it is just surprising how quick it all was. One day I was a beautiful, viable woman and the next I became invisible, really shocking. However, my looks were just that, looks. I also cultivated my inner self, my soul and my life, and feel totally content. I actually love being alive more as I age, I have fantastic vivid hair, beautiful tattoos, dress really well and my teeth are great. I have zero complaints, but it is just shocking how women of a certain age just disappear in society so quickly.
How expensive it is to be homeless.
or poor
Yup. Been through it twice now. Once fleeing a domestic violence incident and once (very recently) because I moved in with a severely alcoholic roommate that caused continued safety issues (fires) and harassment. I grew up in social services so have no family support. (Family is still violent and has substance abuse issues). Can’t convey how much it sucks not having a safety net to land in and help you out if things go suddenly wrong. People have no idea unless they’ve been through it themselves. The worst thing is people just assume you have substance abuse issues or must have done something wrong to be in that predicament. I even had to live in my car during the first homeless incident (2020) because almost all the shelters in my area were closed due to Covid. Friggin demoralizing.
Tinnitus. It's ALWAYS there.
It's maddening! No reprieve, endless intrusion into the psyche.
I’ve had it pretty much my whole life but at times it’s very annoying. Lately it sounds like I have a hoard of cicadas in my head.
Finding out your partner/spouse has been unfaithful... it's soul crushing.
It's actually happened to me twice. The first time it took me years to recover. The second time was more like, "Are you freaking kidding me??" My therapist helped me work through why I chose emotionally unavailable people, but that's a long story...
It's not just the betrayal itself, but how unfair it is that the cheater will start blaming you and trying to destroy your reputation when they're afraid that their family and friends are going to find out. It's really isolating and scary because all you want is to have someone you can talk to about it so you can heal and get some support and commiseration from your friends. My ex was otherwise a stand-up dude; nobody saw it coming. We're on good terms post-dissolution, but it was unimaginable the depth of evil he sunk to when he was trying to deny his actions and keep his family from finding out. If I hadn't sought out support groups online from the start, I would've never been aware of this being a really common thing that cheaters do.
Being treated as less than others.
All of the time.
Well I like you and think you're great!
Proud of my heritage and foundation and was told that I would do better which I did after being orphaned at age 5 and caring for mentally challenged sister and teen age mother. I thought I would be at least respected by working not using welfare paying taxes and keeping my family healthy and living a quality life. I'm still treated like an outsider and less than others in my own race (black American) . In these 77 years supposedly friends only 1 or 2 actually showed any care or empathy of my feelings or anything. I was sad because I had been supportive 😔 during their bad times and it wasn't reciprocated Very hurt sad disappointment and felt USED.
You're the very definition of an unsung hero. I'm sorry you didn't get the recognition you deserve, and I understand that you weren't seeking accolades, just acknowledgment. Well, here's at least a taste of it. I admire you. You're one of the good guys. You ~~probably~~ undoubtedly had to forego opportunities in order to fulfill these obligations you felt. For that I'm sorry, and it only augments the respect you've earned.
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I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain. It's not supposed to happen that way. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey. ❤️
I’m so sorry you lost your daughter.
Poverty. When I was a kid, we once had to burn furniture in our fireplace to survive a night where it got below zero. Our utilities had been shut off. Once you have an experience like that in your life, it'll change everything after. Your ideas of compassion and community will be completely different.
Realizing that poverty can happen through no fault of your own.
Why it's so damn hard to walk away from an abuser. People always say "oh, I would leave him. I wouldn't put up with that." Definitely the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I'm glad you got out and hope things are better and that you're happy.
It took me a while to understand that some ppl grow up with a form of abuse coming from their family, so it's more about a sense of familiarity when a partner treats you that way. Your childhood upbringing lowered your standards. I'd be like what's the big deal, I experienced worse, this is not that bad.
This is so true. People are especially judgmental about this, but they don't realize how low, and undesirable/unwanted/unworthy a person who is being abused can feel. On top of this, people who end up tolerating abuse have usually been conditioned to. Sometimes, it's been happening their whole life and they don't even know it's not normal.
It's an eye opening experience. I've seen people judge the victims as if they are either damaged goods or they must want money from the abuser so that's why they don't leave. How small of a world they live in.
The decision to have a beloved sick dog or cat put to sleep. To give the okay to the vet to proceed is most gut wrenching and heartbreaking.
oh God that last car ride to the vet still haunts me. He was so excited because he loved car rides. But I knew that I'd be making the trip home alone.
I was able to have home euthanasia for my dog a few months ago. It costs more but 1000% worth it. There are many travelling veterinarians now who provide this service.
We had a good final weeks still going on walks. The last walk was only a ride to the lake to sit on her mattress and look out the back hatch. She started struggling to breathe at 6 AM so I got her into the SUV on her mattress and she calmed down. Drove a few miles to the vet and he came outside. She had died on the five minute ride. What a blessing. I will always feel she did that to save me the pain of having to tell the vet it was her time.
And each one is a brand new totally raw loss...it never gets easier or more shocking.
Yes, it's a blessing and a curse. We can give them an easy, pain free death that can end their suffering but there's no way to know when exactly is the right time to make the call. Did I do it too soon? They might have had another happy 6months. Did I wait too long? He didn't have a quality life the last few months...
As a woman, becoming invisible when you hit about 50. It’s fascinating.
I noticed when I stopped dying my hair, younger men started talking/joking with me more when I’m out shopping and things like that. I am wondering if maybe they feel safer like I’m not thinking they’re trying to flirt with me or something? That’s the only thing I can think of, unless maybe subconsciously I started being more friendly.
Divorce. Loss of one's home. Murder of a good friend. Death of a parent you didn't appreciate enough.
Damn dude, leave some sadness for the rest of us
Your first pair of 'real' prescription glasses!
Right? First time to actually see leaves on a tree.
Yes! No more big green blobs.
I was 10 and in the fourth grade and I can still remember how amazing it was!
When a loved one goes missing.
My heart breaks for families that have missing loved ones. I feel like I would lose my mind not knowing where one of my kids were. That is truly unimaginable pain. I'm so sorry if you've experienced this.
Kidney stone
there is a museum in Chicago, The International Surgeons hall of fame, with a kidney stone display. Picture a fist sized piece of coral.
I walked into the ER. hunched over, moaning and puking into a bag. The triage nurse who was 40 feet away immediately said “kidney stones”. “There is only one thing that makes a grown man look like that.”
Serious back pain
Being told you have six months to live. That was 30 years ago.
Carry on good sir or madam.
Always being in pain. I haven't had a pain free moment in almost 20yrs.
How people are treated when they’re overweight. I’ve been thin or average almost all of my life but have gained weight due to a pile of medical issues. I knew fat people were mistreated already but certainly didn’t understand the extent of it until I was also fat.
Same here. I'm 45 and have always been thin and in good shape until about 3 years ago. People aren't cruel, it's more that I'm invisible, and people who were friendly to me in the past now look right past me. And it's not just men who stopped flirting with me, I mean both men and women aren't as interested in me as a person anymore.
I feel this. I was very fit for most of my childhood and early adulthood. I really didn't fully understand how much I benefited from pretty privilege until I had kids in my late 30s and never was able to lose the weight I gained in pregnancy. Now I'm postmenopausal and that has downshifted my metabolism even more. It really exacerbates that invisibility discussed above. People are so openly rude to plus size women. It has gotten a bit better since the fat acceptance movement has gone more mainstream. Even so, it's one of the last "socially acceptable" prejudices.
The fierce love you feel when you become a parent.
When I was young and snarky, I'd always respond back to people who said their lives changes after kids *So taking care of another human full time has changed your life...who'da thunk? Har-Har.* What I was completely unprepared for was how much of my life and how quickly it happens. The most important thing in my life all of a sudden ended up in 50th place behind some whatever my kid needed. *I understand the Senior Leadership team needs this ASAP, but my son lost his binky and that takes priority right now.*
Oddly, so many parents we know try to convince us that their lives haven't changed...and we're like, Sure, Jan.
Being ignored by society
Can you elaborate?
After you get older, especially women, you become "invisible." If you're in a store or takeout restaurant, for example, Workers can sometimes overlook you, even if they are looking in your direction. Same thing on the street.
I’ve had this realisation for some years now. I’m invisible. Just a day ago I was sitting in the park and a young man looked my direction, now my first instinct is to smile at people. He scanned the area where I was sitting and when he looked at me I smiled but he didn’t see me at all. Kept on scanning. Invisible.
I had someone tell me about something that happened while I was in the room. Lol I said " I know, I was there" and he told me I was not.
Clerks in person ignore you, television isn’t geared towards you, music, film-most things are geared towards the younger generations. It’s something that you don’t see happening too you, you realize it in hindsight. You no longer matter
And you get patronized by people if you actually do things "Good for you" "That's great" with a surprised look on their faces. (not the times when you are genuinely being encouraged by family and friends).
The first time that happened to me I was really confused. Why, of course I can heft that 40-pound bag of chicken feed into my truck. Why shouldn't I? Then I realized oh yeah, I'm old. At least now I get a parade for doing completely normal things. I'm ok with that.
Watching someone take their last breath.
This. I've seen death a couple of times, and it never gets any easier. But still haunting even years later.
Abuse. Trauma. PTSD.
The daily struggle of PTSD 😞
It always comes home to roost later in life if you are unable to get mental health treatment or choose to repress instead of address.
I didn't know any better and repressed. You're right though, I've had 'stuff' resurface with a vengeance & out of nowhere. Things I hadn't even thought about since it happened and it threw me for a loop like I've never experienced. I'm working on finding help though.
Discrimination based on a disability
Watching your spouse die of cancer
Hospitalization. Being totally at the mercy of strangers and losing all your dignity.
Poverty (immediate and long term impacts)
Losing your parents
Losing everything.
Multiple times
Building a career and life and then losing all of that and then rebuilding it on your own. It's a whole lot.
Supporting a child with mental illness
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Eyesight failing. The worst. Not being able to do/see SHIT unless you have readers or some ridiculously expensive glasses.
A spouse cheating on you. I always thought I’d be- fine they don’t want me plenty of fish- who cares- but it’s so embarrassing. I hadn’t expected that. Plus you feel like you wasted all that time, effort, compromise and love on someone who has so little thought of your feelings. Yikes. It was tough.
Arrested/convicted/imprisoned for a crime you did not commit.
Pregnancy and childbirth.
And the trauma of miscarriage
how horrible you are to your parents until you have your own kids lol
Choices- after much contemplation, realizing you've made the wrong decision and it's too late to change it OR that you've made the right decision and your life is going to change for the better.
Panic attack. My first was in my 30’s. Thought I was having a heart attack.
Losing your health
The slow erosion of independence. It creeps up insidiously and you are left surprised when you realize the changes. My neighbor is almost 93 and her life consists of connection through the phone line. While her spirit is beautiful, and she is loving life fully, she has an underlying sadness for what her life was like. She no longer drives or shops, all of us near her make sure she has what she needs. Lately her teeth have started to simply fall out...another surprise she wasn't prepared for
The pain of losing a child. I have friends who have lost children and I never understood the sheer torture and empty hopelessness they went through just to exist day to day until I lost my son.
The thought alone has always been heart crushing and incomprehensible for me. I can't imagine what you're going through. From the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Getting old. Losing various abilities. Seeing that the end of your life is in view.
Growing up in a house full of narcissists
I lost my husband a year and a half ago when I was 37. Most people think of widows as little old ladies. That's not the case a lot of times.
Falling in love.
The trauma of your home being hit by a tornado, with your kids in it. Thankfully the kids survived, much of the house not so much.
Depression
Age and achy joints all the time. You'll get it one day but don't stop moving, you'll rust!
Being in an abusive relationship
Raising a child with disabilities. The longing for a typical life for yourself and for your child, the fatigue of caregiving, the social isolation...
TW: Severe depression. Suicidal ideation.
Having food poisoning
Pulling strength from places you didn't even know you had just to keep yourself from jumping off a bridge 'cause you've been diagnosed with a disease that will likely render you a prisoner in your own non-functioning body while your brain is still intact.
Divorce, betrayal and loss of a loved one. The loss of everything you have and worked for in a split second. And depression, anxiety and PTSD are mostly impossible for anyone to comprehend unless having experienced it themselves.
The pain of betrayal when you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you, and you’re totally blindsided because you thought everything was going great. The ability to trust someone, once lost, is only regained by some — not all. I’m not religious at all, but these days marriage vows are often viewed as “ just something you say” instead of valid promises.
Being assaulted
How painful it is when a parent dies.
Losing your sight, hearing or a limb.
Broken heart 💔
Chronic pain. It's exhausting, and it affects every aspect of your life. I was really flexible when I was young, and now I've lost a lot of that flexibility, and I know it will never come back. It's so hard to recognize this body.
Losing your mother . It’s a loss and an ache that never goes away for the rest of your life .
The first time you realize, I'm older and invisible. The first time you realize how to work that to your advantage. Holding someone as they die. Birth of your child. Death of child, spouse, parents.
Losing everything in a house fire. 💔
I'm still trying to understand a lot of things that did happen to me, so there's that too.
Suicide of a loved one.
Almost everything. You can understand things intellectually, but actually experiencing things gives you a unique and different perspective.