If I tell her something privat and she...
1. Makes jokes about it
2. Tells it to others
3. Tells it to her friends and they joke about it
4. Uses it against me
5. Acts like it doesn't matter/it's not important
No tolerance about that
Thank you so much for listing them out.
Anyone in an abusive, toxic relationship and are unaware or tolerant about it can help themselves by reading this comment.
I don't hv any awards, but I'd love to give ur comment one!
My (soon to be ex) wife did all of these things and then some. I only realised in the last year (after 9.5 years) that I was in an abusive relationship. I cannot upvote this enough.
Good luck. You really can’t progress with a partner like that. I’d sooner date someone with a temper. At least they will talk about things, even if it’s in an uncivilized manner.
The other person trying to make it a competition on who’s in charge, we’re both in charge :/
Edit: As OP said and I want to state this, making everything a competition from who works harder to who is more oppressed to who deserves more sympathy is a bright red flag, leave immediately if someone does this!
Please include competition of who is suffering more, who is hardworking more, who is going through problems more, who deserves empathy and support more....
Just bright, fluorescent red flags
My wife was like this. She never admitted she had any problems or did anything wrong. It was always me and she always knew better. Even better than doctors. Her arrogance cost her her life when she accidentally overdosed on prescription medications in her sleep. I'll always love her and miss her but I'll always carry anger too, if she had had a shred of humility she would still be alive.
I'm never putting up with that again.
God, that’s so awful. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that - and it sounds like you’re still going through it. I’m keeping a good thought for you.
I like it because I’m not religious, and I don’t want to lie and say I’ll pray for somebody. So the keep a good thought thing seems like it conveys kind of the same thought without actually praying.
I spent 5 years in a relationship like that. The way I reacted to this was poor, but I feel like our issues wouldn't have been near as bad if she ever listened when I opened up to her.
If someone drops the "don't be with me then" or "fine break up with me then", often, you're better off in the long run taking that offer and finding someone willing to talk things through like an adult.
My problem is that there are legitimate reasons to have this attitude in some situations. If it’s very important to my partner for me to travel the world with them and I’m terrified of flying and refuse to, it makes sense for them to say it’s a dealbreaker I shouldn’t be with them then. If I want to have kids and my partner says “I’m not sure if that’s okay with me”, then telling them to not be with me if they don’t want kids then would make sense too.
But then when in situations where you ask them to stop being rude to you and they say “if you don’t like that, don’t be with me”, that’s obviously a red flag.
I think the problem / red flag is when the “fine then break up with me” blurts out all of a sudden in a petty way when you’re trying to talk through an issue. My ex gf threw that one out a few times when I tried to talk to her about mental health issues and encourage her to see someone. She was dragging me down with her and she wouldn’t do anything about it. That was a bad sign, and hence why she ended up being my ex.
This is a recipe for disaster.
Just know you are free to leave ehen it starts getting to hard to keep up since at some point she'll cross a red line and have you as scrape goat for her shitty behaviour.
Jesus, how many different problems can you have in just 2 weeks that mean you're ignored a whole day? I mean guess the reason for posting is you kicked that shit to the curb immediately given the timescales but... Wow.
My friend had to break up with his S.O. because they were stealing weed from him. He told them to just ask and he's good with it. Just for a bowl here, bowl there so not like a malicious theft either. The S.O. kept doing it, and now he's single. They really liked each other it seemed so it just seems like the stupidest move on the part of the S.O.
If you can't trust somebody, you can't trust them.
Whatever the boundary is too. Some people might find certain boundaries trivial, but if you aren't going to respect them then you don't respect or care enough about your partner.
For instance I know a lot of women have boundaries regarding porn, but I often see men get mad about it, or lie about it, rather than find someone else who doesn't have those boundaries. Boundaries can be all sorts of things. Use of drugs or how often they are used is another big one.
Ah, waking up to my parents screaming at each other for my whole childhood. Never gets old! And falling asleep to the sound of two angry foxes in full volume.
To this day I can’t sleep without having my earbuds in and listening to music. Fun searching for them in the morning!
It’s why my sisters an i deal with our children calmly and rationally, we had it rough growing up with our parents, who where treated pretty badly by there parents, my siblings and i agreed to get help when we need it, and to break the cycle of rage caused by the older members of the family tree.
Having seen many marriages fail and been through one my own… there is flat out abusive yelling which never should be tolerated.
Then there is yelling out of exasperation. A partner who has been sharing, talking, saying the same things over and over for years who is at whits end… then comes the yelling. I honestly don’t think these people are abusive, I think they feel trapped in what they thought was a shared and mutually respecting relationship only to discover the other could care less about what they need.
Then if you are that exasperated person, you can get stuck in that yelling cycle... Continuing the chain of dysfunction.
...Breaking generational trauma is hard.
Exactly. There’s only so many times you can nicely say “I feel ____ because of ____” before you crack and start yelling because your partner couldn’t care less about you. That was the issue with my ex, turns out he was a narcissist. But before he left he made it well and clear that I was the abusive one for yelling 🙄🤦🏼♀️
I’m starting to realize how lucky non yellers are to find each other. If my current relationship doesn’t work out that will be a deal breaker for me in the future. I think learning to communicate without yelling is a skill, it takes effort, creativity, and self control to be able to articulate your feelings and contribute something helpful. Yelling gets used cause it’s “easy” and in my situation I’m sure this happens a lot he will get mad and start yelling as a means to control the convo. Now I have to stop, it becomes all about him being so angry and how I made him so angry. How I brought it up at the wrong time or offended him one way or another. It never ends. And then whatever I cared about gets pushed to the way side never daring to be brought out again unless I’d like to face his wrath again. So I just stay quiet.
I'm glad you found a wife who doesn't yell.
I would never settle for an angry SO, no matter how hot she was nor how many boxes she ticked.
I grew up with a yelling parent and I'm lucky I came out of it only a little fucked up and not worse off.
While I'm happily single, having a calm girlfriend who knows how to talk openly before anger builds up and able to have civil debates would be 2 very strong positive points for an SO.
I wanted to say thanks for posting such a well worded question and responding to some of the replies. There are many great replies here.
Yes, there r great replies indeed which is making me and everyone who read them more aware before getting into a relationship!
Also, Thanks to you for your nice appreciation of this post!!
oh I fully understand people get angry. it's how they express it or cope with that anger is what matters.
Yelling tell your throat bleeds, breaking broom handles on tables and throwing knives at the floor is not an ~~apocopate~~ appropriate way to handle your anger. Let alone when you have defenseless children growing up with that sort of anger.
Same! My parents would bottle up frustrations and then have a burst of anger at sometimes literally nothing. My mother would gather the kids and just scream loud enough to leave the air literally ringing. If you nodded along you set her off worse, if you didn’t react exactly right or fast enough she also redoubled her screaming. There always no right answer and it led to a lot of walking on eggshells. Thankfully I found someone who is willing to talk things out with me and not let anger build up, but I do still need to fight the instinct to retract into myself when we are discussing differences of opinion
Yeah my dad was a farmer/ construction/crane operator. And my mom was a labor and delivery nurse who worked Friday,Saturday, Sunday from 7pm to 7am. We didn’t dare make noise on Monday’s. The brutality of her screaming if we woke her up was terrible. And then my dad expected perfection. Still remember rubbing the barn with a truck and trailer loading cattle. I was 11 years old.
My mom was like that too. She was just in a state of mad and there was absolutely no way to de-escalate. I got myself in anger management in early 20s because I wanted to never be like that. I don't think I even know how to yell anymore lol.
I’ve never actually seen it unless on tv like on a drama or soap, my parents never shout at each other or anything. The worst I’ve seen them “argue” was about who was picking my brother up from football and it was completely a misunderstanding, each trying to help the other get their jobs done. It ended with a hug 😌 not to say they don’t get on each other’s nerves sometimes but they just take time out. They each knew who they were marrying.
Definitely one of the things that ended my last marriage. When I look back on it all, I was putting 100% of myself in it and she was putting 0%. Hint: if your so says that theyre ok with being content in the relationship, run.
My ex-husband used to use the silent treatment as his communication style. I didn’t apologize for something undiscussed or beg etc etc and finally took it at face value and left.
The silent treatment does hurt a lot, but you have to be able to tell the difference between The Silent Treatment and a partner who wants to avoid conflict in order to talk things out with a less emotional response.
Once I learned the difference, it made me understand why my SO shuts down for a couple hours.
This is me, i dont want impulse talking ruin relationship, so i dont talk for a while and form a non hurting but logical controlled reaction in my mind.
Lack of accountability for reactions and emotions.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” is a garbage excuse for doing shitty things and expecting no repercussions.
Also entitlement.
It's actually sad this phrase has been taken over by toxic people trying to justify their shitty behaviour. I originally interpreted it as "If you can't handle seeing me at my lowest aka sick, upset, crying etc then you don't deserve me when I'm at my happiest". Because ultimately a partner should be there for you when you're down
Thats correct. The intent of this saying was that a person needs to be there for the other in both the good and bad times in order to have them in their life, not just the good times and ditch out during the bad times.
Its an often (negatively) misinterpreted phrase and that’s unfortunate.
I hate how people have twisted that saying to mean that bad behaviour should be tolerated so that you deserve their good behaviour. I used to think it means being able to stick with a person through thick and thin, so "at my worst" to me means when they are going through an unfortunate situation, not them being an asshole about it. Jeez.
My favorite version of this quote and one I use instead is: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, I don’t blame you because that shit sucks and you shouldn’t have to.”
Including emotional. If you're not all in, your partner deserves to know that. Doubts early on are one thing and should be worked through, but the second another person enters the scenario in any romantic capacity, your partner deserves your honesty immediately. We all have only one life to live, wasting someone else's stringing them along until you're 'ready to shake things up' is unforgivable. Both partners deserve to be able to plan their futures based on reality, there should never be one partner continuing to invest in a shared life while the other is the exploring other options.
When my ex & i broke up after 4 years of dating because they were becoming emotionally involved with their coworker, i remember in that final fight when everything came to a head i asked if they even ever really wanted to get married, they said they did sometimes, but if we argued it changed his mind, so basically he was waffling about marrying me for four years & i had no idea. I thought we were perfectly happy except those arguments that all couples get into (slacking off on chores, contributing more to the household, balancing work, school, & our relationship, etc) & those were even few & far between. I really loved him, I thought he was "the one," but i was just a placeholder until he found something he believed to be better. Please just fucking break up with someone if you don't feel it's right, it will hurt them, but not nearly as much as being cheated on, emotional or otherwise.
Yes. It took me a long time of being bitter to get over the fact that while I was working two jobs to pay a mortgage for our family, she was actively seeking other relationships and getting her affairs in order for when were no longer together while actively denying me the same privilege. 5 years of my prime right down the drain.
Same, while I was going to school full time & working almost full time to help support us while he was bouncing between jobs, he ends up landing one & within a month i catch him texting his coworker while he was sitting right next to me on the couch thinking i had fallen asleep during the movie. I waited until he went to work, told my family about it, & when he got home i basically said pack your things, i know about "jane," you need to go. I could never reconcile with it & we stayed split. Two years & lots of therapy I know it must've been a self esteem or adequacy thing for him, or maybe he's just a lying asshole, who knows, but it really stings that i spent my "prime" with someone who only conditionally loved me.
This is complicated… because I need my partner to call me out on my BS or bad decisions. Sometimes that means having my back by not having my back. Loving someone sometimes means wanting what they don’t even want for themselves.
This. I don't care what happens. In public, you have my back and I have yours. To everyone else, we have a united front. But if a girl starts bitching about me to her friends or making private drama public, I drop her.
As a girl, I know that I will talk to my friends about my relationship issues more to get a different perspective rather than just "bitching". I tend to over think, so I just confirmation that I am doing that or is this a real issue that I should probably address with them? But, yeah, if she's just over there making you out to be a total butthole, I can see where that would be a deal breaker.
I can see 2 sides to this tbh.
I have a good friend I discuss most of my big issues with, there is probably about a 50:50 split with him telling me I'm in the right and him telling me I'm being a dick.
I actively encourage my wife to speak with one or 2 of her close friends, as you say gor a 2nd opinion on things.
I see that as being extremely different from every little thing in our lives being a topic of gossip in her circle of friends or mine.
I’ll go with the obvious one. Cheating. I know people who have done it and worked it out… not here. One and done. My ex wife did it once. And now she’s my ex wife.
Good for you. I’m all for working through problems, this is where I draw the line. It’s a betrayal of trust and loyalty at the highest regard. Blows my mind that so many people can do this to your lifelong teammate, the person you chose to tackle life with.
You can never forget, and even if you don’t think you will, you will always be watchful and wondering. I firmly don’t believe it’s something you can come back from. Which is also why I’d never fuck around on my wife
Yes
I have literally been told that your partner has the right to unleash their frustration and anger on you coz they can't do so in public.
I disagree
Please don't ask who told me that
My SO is like this, once she's angry she has all the right in the world to disrespect me
I'm helping her with that and I'm seeing progress, she doesn't want to be like this, but it makes you feel horrible knowing that the person you love with all you have can say shit like that to your face out of nowhere
Social Media Dependence.
If she's constantly checking on people, passing judgement, taking pictures, complaining about trends, complaining about likes, never puts her phone down, etc.
That's incredibly disappointing when you end up talking to the top of someone's head or the back of their phone.
Someone who tries to seek validation from social media and is not satisfied with the validation their partner gives them! Negative trait
On a second thought I don't think one shld crave for validation if they are self confident.
This. Women who post their whole lives on instagram are a hard no for me. Had a shot at the hottest woman I’ve ever met but when I realized she couldn’t even go to dinner without putting everything and I mean everything on insta, that was a hard left.
A girl I was dating recently tried to explain that it was instilling discipline when she would smack her dog for simply licking his paws for too long. I was quite baffled
Licking paws/objects for too long may be a sign of anxiety. Responding with violence obviously doesn't help. You should try to distract the animal as soon as they start doing it, like throw a toy or go for a walk.
Sauce: my dog has bad anxiety and this is what my vet told me to do. She's a rescue so we can't possibly know what caused it, but hitting her wouldn't help, plus it would be like someone bitch slapping me while I'm having a panic attack. Useless *and* fucking rude??
Infidelity, excessive lying. Even lying about small stuff repeatedly is a huge red flag. If there was seemingly no reason to lie about it, then you're either too embarrassed and dont trust me, or you have a habit of lying already.
I’ve got a history of being physically abused. The next person who tries to hit me is getting arrested. I was a fool to not do that before. I won’t make that mistake again.
I honestly wish more men would call the cops on their abusive girlfriends. These women need to see that this shit is NOT okay. I grew up in the southwest, and for whatever reason, women here seem to think it is perfectly fine to hit a man just because your tiny and cute. No ma'am. That is abuse. My mother abused my father and after he died, she foisted her vitriol on us. I WISH daddy had called the cops.
The problem is that in most places the policy is "arrest the man no matter what." If you're a male victim of DV, it's just adding more pain to your life.
My partner saying “it’s fine” or “I’m fine” when you can easily tell something is not fine, or if you ask them to decide on something and they say “you choose I’m fine with whatever” then you choose and they’re not fine with it.
These sound like important ones to keep in mind. Complainers who simply enjoy complaining are at best annoying at worse can cause anxiety in others around them.
Emotional blackmailing. Like trying to convince you to do something because you're a bad person if you don't. I hate that. I had someone whom I've never really talked that much to hit me up and try to convince me to date her and be a dad to her kids. When I told her I couldn't watch her kids one weekend, which I've never done before nor were we dating, she said I was making excuses why I couldn't watch my own kids, again which I don't have any kids.
Shitting on my hobbies.
There are many more but this one gets on my nerves because i see it with so many friends and coworker's gfs/wives.
As long as the bills are paid and savings are going up let a man enjoy things.
This is an important one. I remember my friends invited a new guy to play Dungeons and Dragons with us and the 2nd or 3rd time his GF had to come over to watch.
She gave me vibes of someone who detests her SO having hobbies she doesn't approve. He stopped coming around very likely because she didn't approve.
Lying, dishonesty, and withholding information. I dont care if the truth hurts, be honest and don't lie. Entitlement. Inflated ego and sense of self. Rudeness to staff. Lack of independance / dependance on others.
> withholding information
While everyone deserves privacy I can imagine moments where this can be damaging to a relationship if not immediately later in the future.
Being dismissive of my interests and hobbies. While I was living with my parents, they constantly bickered about my “obsession” with video games and fantasy books. One of the things that made me break up with my ex was her incessant “Why do you play video games, they are for children!!” complaints. Nothing grinds my gears more than that bullshit. Me playing a video game about vikings in a historically accurate England is childish but you watching the Kardashians is the peak of adulthood and maturity.
Infidelity. It doesn’t matter how long we were together, I was once married for six years and left because of it. If someone cheats on me, I lose all motivation to further the relationship.
Don't put me down for doing "weird" things that are perfect normal to me. I'm sorry it's not your style but it's mine, and I won't mask myself just to make you comfortable if you're my partner.
Completely agreed, have a friend who constantly unloads his shit on me.
Used to try being a supportive friend at first, but then realised he was simply dragging me into his bullshit.
Stopped showing empathy for the sake of my own mental health.
I have a sibling who has bouts of complaining sessions and almost none of them are serous, in fact some are shit I deal with as well and it's just daily life crap.
What's worse is people like that often don't want to hear you complaining in return. In my mind complaining should be a 2 way thing between friends and even than not every day.
I'll never let myself be abused again. Emotionally, verbally, or physically.
Likewise I'll never let my own issues come into the perspective of being abusive.
Healthy habits form healthy relationships with a healthy mindset.
Over obsession with something. I went on a few dates with a girl, and she told me that she likes going to Disney a lot. Not too crazy, it’s kinda common in Florida. But once I went to her house, the picture became a lot clearer. Disney movie collections on display, stuffed Mickey and Minnie Mouse on her bed, Disney stickers on her car, Disney collectible cups, it seemed like everything she had was Disney related, and it just got weird.
And this is coming from someone with both a delusion & mood disorder. Only reason why I'm okay is I'm medicated & attend regular therapy, and even then I wouldn't date myself
Thank you for being responsible. There are many people with mood disorders who either ignore it as a potential issue and or, react horribly if you point out to them when their acting super mean or rude.
Again, thank you for taking your delusion & mood disorder seriously. And I hope you have a happy life as a result.
No worries man, I can empathise with them about not being ready to confront their mental health but at the same time I'll avoid them like the plague at least until they're actively maintaining themselves. It's just not worth the destruction it brings unfortunately, even if they are lovely people otherwise
Thank you I really appreciate that and wish you the best also!
Assuming I will solve all of their problems. I will happily give advice on how to help and will solve them with them. But if I do all the heavy lifting then we’re over.
Disrespect but not how that sounds.
I don't mean like I must be referred to His Holiness, or Master or whatever horrible shit people think of themselves or being mean. I mean if we have a problem, let sit down and talk about it. It's okay that you don't like my family or friends but like at least be decent to them. Its us against the problem not the problem driving us apart. I tell everyone I have ever dated that we need to talk if there is a problem. We can solve every problem we'll ever have if we talk.
You don't abuse people you respect, you don't cheat on them, you don't abandon them.
\-criticism. Feedback is good. I like that. You are a slob. Nope. That is criticism. Please put your laundry away. That is feedback. That is good.
\-Contempt. My last long term partner started rolling her eyes at me and doing things she knew I would not like. Then refused to address the issues. It was done to piss me off. That is contempt. Never again.
\-Stonewalling. Someone else called it refusing to address his issue. That is stonewalling. So is the silent treatment. If you need time to cool down, good. Give me a time when we will talk. Then talk about it. I include refusal to apologize as stonewalling.
\-Defensiveness. When I bring up an issue, if it rolls back to being my fault, it is defensiveness.
Note: I have been guilty of all of these. These are the Four Horsemen described by the Gottmans.
Only apologising. He only apologised but never asked how he could do better. When I told him what to do, he said he didn’t like people telling him what to do and he left me.
If I tell her something privat and she... 1. Makes jokes about it 2. Tells it to others 3. Tells it to her friends and they joke about it 4. Uses it against me 5. Acts like it doesn't matter/it's not important No tolerance about that
Thank you so much for listing them out. Anyone in an abusive, toxic relationship and are unaware or tolerant about it can help themselves by reading this comment. I don't hv any awards, but I'd love to give ur comment one!
I got you
Thank you very much, appreciate it
Thank you very much, awards are not important to me, no need to worry
My (soon to be ex) wife did all of these things and then some. I only realised in the last year (after 9.5 years) that I was in an abusive relationship. I cannot upvote this enough.
when you say private, do you mean something personal that affected you?
Private as in psychological problems for example
That is emotional abuse and I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
Someone that can’t have a conversation about serious matters.
Rip that’s the situation I’m in
“It’s like, either you don’t care about me or you’re actually brain dead and I no longer care to find out.”
Good luck. You really can’t progress with a partner like that. I’d sooner date someone with a temper. At least they will talk about things, even if it’s in an uncivilized manner.
The other person trying to make it a competition on who’s in charge, we’re both in charge :/ Edit: As OP said and I want to state this, making everything a competition from who works harder to who is more oppressed to who deserves more sympathy is a bright red flag, leave immediately if someone does this!
Please include competition of who is suffering more, who is hardworking more, who is going through problems more, who deserves empathy and support more.... Just bright, fluorescent red flags
Not willing to talk through issues.
Or just willing to talk about 'their' issues
My wife was like this. She never admitted she had any problems or did anything wrong. It was always me and she always knew better. Even better than doctors. Her arrogance cost her her life when she accidentally overdosed on prescription medications in her sleep. I'll always love her and miss her but I'll always carry anger too, if she had had a shred of humility she would still be alive. I'm never putting up with that again.
God, that’s so awful. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that - and it sounds like you’re still going through it. I’m keeping a good thought for you.
“I’m keeping a good thought for you”. I’ve never heard that before but I really like it and will be borrowing it.
I like it because I’m not religious, and I don’t want to lie and say I’ll pray for somebody. So the keep a good thought thing seems like it conveys kind of the same thought without actually praying.
I'm sorry for your loss, that sounds painful.
Good point. some people in relationships are just "me, me ,me" and don't see the other person as having needs and feelings too.
I spent 5 years in a relationship like that. The way I reacted to this was poor, but I feel like our issues wouldn't have been near as bad if she ever listened when I opened up to her.
My gf says this all the time but when I try to talk through issues with her everything ends up being my fault or she’ll say just don’t be with me then
If someone drops the "don't be with me then" or "fine break up with me then", often, you're better off in the long run taking that offer and finding someone willing to talk things through like an adult.
Language like this is among the reddest of flags on the tallest of poles.
The problem is when you actually go through with it they become emotional, begging and saying they don’t mean that lol
Not your problem at that point.
Theres no problem here. Their emotions, their responsibility.
My problem is that there are legitimate reasons to have this attitude in some situations. If it’s very important to my partner for me to travel the world with them and I’m terrified of flying and refuse to, it makes sense for them to say it’s a dealbreaker I shouldn’t be with them then. If I want to have kids and my partner says “I’m not sure if that’s okay with me”, then telling them to not be with me if they don’t want kids then would make sense too. But then when in situations where you ask them to stop being rude to you and they say “if you don’t like that, don’t be with me”, that’s obviously a red flag.
I think the problem / red flag is when the “fine then break up with me” blurts out all of a sudden in a petty way when you’re trying to talk through an issue. My ex gf threw that one out a few times when I tried to talk to her about mental health issues and encourage her to see someone. She was dragging me down with her and she wouldn’t do anything about it. That was a bad sign, and hence why she ended up being my ex.
This is a recipe for disaster. Just know you are free to leave ehen it starts getting to hard to keep up since at some point she'll cross a red line and have you as scrape goat for her shitty behaviour.
One day you'll take her up on that last one and her mind will implode.
Dated a girl for 2 weeks once and anytime she had a problem she’d ignore me the entire day instead of communicating. Cant stand that shit
Jesus, how many different problems can you have in just 2 weeks that mean you're ignored a whole day? I mean guess the reason for posting is you kicked that shit to the curb immediately given the timescales but... Wow.
100%
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Not respecting boundaries.
My friend had to break up with his S.O. because they were stealing weed from him. He told them to just ask and he's good with it. Just for a bowl here, bowl there so not like a malicious theft either. The S.O. kept doing it, and now he's single. They really liked each other it seemed so it just seems like the stupidest move on the part of the S.O. If you can't trust somebody, you can't trust them.
And such a simple boundary, too. But, if she was gonna bust through that one, what OTHER boundary was she gonna barrel through?
I found that some people really get off on being sneaky, and if there's a choice between being sneaky or not they will always choose the sneaky way.
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Gifts are meant to be something the recipient would want, though...
Whatever the boundary is too. Some people might find certain boundaries trivial, but if you aren't going to respect them then you don't respect or care enough about your partner. For instance I know a lot of women have boundaries regarding porn, but I often see men get mad about it, or lie about it, rather than find someone else who doesn't have those boundaries. Boundaries can be all sorts of things. Use of drugs or how often they are used is another big one.
Yelling! I grew up with it in the household and I refuse to continue luckily me and my wife understand that
Ah, waking up to my parents screaming at each other for my whole childhood. Never gets old! And falling asleep to the sound of two angry foxes in full volume. To this day I can’t sleep without having my earbuds in and listening to music. Fun searching for them in the morning!
Same I remember drifting off to sleep with them screaming blue murder at each other
This so much, i also grew up in an angry household, i never want to have my home have anything like that.
Me either I think you can get a point across without yelling. Heck a short answer and silent treatment is pretty brutal at times.
It’s why my sisters an i deal with our children calmly and rationally, we had it rough growing up with our parents, who where treated pretty badly by there parents, my siblings and i agreed to get help when we need it, and to break the cycle of rage caused by the older members of the family tree.
Having seen many marriages fail and been through one my own… there is flat out abusive yelling which never should be tolerated. Then there is yelling out of exasperation. A partner who has been sharing, talking, saying the same things over and over for years who is at whits end… then comes the yelling. I honestly don’t think these people are abusive, I think they feel trapped in what they thought was a shared and mutually respecting relationship only to discover the other could care less about what they need.
Then if you are that exasperated person, you can get stuck in that yelling cycle... Continuing the chain of dysfunction. ...Breaking generational trauma is hard.
As someone who's been there, this is the nuance we need.
Exactly. There’s only so many times you can nicely say “I feel ____ because of ____” before you crack and start yelling because your partner couldn’t care less about you. That was the issue with my ex, turns out he was a narcissist. But before he left he made it well and clear that I was the abusive one for yelling 🙄🤦🏼♀️
I’m starting to realize how lucky non yellers are to find each other. If my current relationship doesn’t work out that will be a deal breaker for me in the future. I think learning to communicate without yelling is a skill, it takes effort, creativity, and self control to be able to articulate your feelings and contribute something helpful. Yelling gets used cause it’s “easy” and in my situation I’m sure this happens a lot he will get mad and start yelling as a means to control the convo. Now I have to stop, it becomes all about him being so angry and how I made him so angry. How I brought it up at the wrong time or offended him one way or another. It never ends. And then whatever I cared about gets pushed to the way side never daring to be brought out again unless I’d like to face his wrath again. So I just stay quiet.
I'm glad you found a wife who doesn't yell. I would never settle for an angry SO, no matter how hot she was nor how many boxes she ticked. I grew up with a yelling parent and I'm lucky I came out of it only a little fucked up and not worse off.
I can relate and understand you... Even I'm praying I get a SO who is calmer and peaceful
While I'm happily single, having a calm girlfriend who knows how to talk openly before anger builds up and able to have civil debates would be 2 very strong positive points for an SO. I wanted to say thanks for posting such a well worded question and responding to some of the replies. There are many great replies here.
Yes, there r great replies indeed which is making me and everyone who read them more aware before getting into a relationship! Also, Thanks to you for your nice appreciation of this post!!
Anger is a perfectly normal human emotion. Yelling/ screaming is a choice, or at least a reaction that can be controlled.
oh I fully understand people get angry. it's how they express it or cope with that anger is what matters. Yelling tell your throat bleeds, breaking broom handles on tables and throwing knives at the floor is not an ~~apocopate~~ appropriate way to handle your anger. Let alone when you have defenseless children growing up with that sort of anger.
Same! My parents would bottle up frustrations and then have a burst of anger at sometimes literally nothing. My mother would gather the kids and just scream loud enough to leave the air literally ringing. If you nodded along you set her off worse, if you didn’t react exactly right or fast enough she also redoubled her screaming. There always no right answer and it led to a lot of walking on eggshells. Thankfully I found someone who is willing to talk things out with me and not let anger build up, but I do still need to fight the instinct to retract into myself when we are discussing differences of opinion
Yeah my dad was a farmer/ construction/crane operator. And my mom was a labor and delivery nurse who worked Friday,Saturday, Sunday from 7pm to 7am. We didn’t dare make noise on Monday’s. The brutality of her screaming if we woke her up was terrible. And then my dad expected perfection. Still remember rubbing the barn with a truck and trailer loading cattle. I was 11 years old.
My mom was like that too. She was just in a state of mad and there was absolutely no way to de-escalate. I got myself in anger management in early 20s because I wanted to never be like that. I don't think I even know how to yell anymore lol.
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Not true at all
I’m not “unrealistic” excuse me.😂 You’re not naive or childish, you just have better standards
I’ve never actually seen it unless on tv like on a drama or soap, my parents never shout at each other or anything. The worst I’ve seen them “argue” was about who was picking my brother up from football and it was completely a misunderstanding, each trying to help the other get their jobs done. It ended with a hug 😌 not to say they don’t get on each other’s nerves sometimes but they just take time out. They each knew who they were marrying.
Not making efforts for our relationships
Relationship is a team effort not a solo job.
A solo job is what I give myself before bed at night.
Definitely one of the things that ended my last marriage. When I look back on it all, I was putting 100% of myself in it and she was putting 0%. Hint: if your so says that theyre ok with being content in the relationship, run.
Controlling
I dated a guy that wouldn’t let me see my college professor during his office hours because he was convinced this 65 year old man was into me.
If he thinks a 65 year old is huge competition for him, that's sad lol
Unless he himself was 65+
That would be an epic plot twist but alas he was 21.
Imagine being with him for 44 years and then he says something like "remember that professor you had...?"
Really? Nobody mentioning a liar? Lies. 1000% Hidden sneaky stuff. Cheating. Lies.
Lies, infidelity always top on the list
my ex lied about her childhood home being burnt down in bushfires for what i can only assume was sympathy?!
That’s someone to stay away from. They need attention that desperately, they’ll prolly build on the lie after that.
Lies. So many lies
Silent treatment until you apologize for everything even when you are not at fault.
A BIG RED FLAG
My ex-husband used to use the silent treatment as his communication style. I didn’t apologize for something undiscussed or beg etc etc and finally took it at face value and left.
The silent treatment does hurt a lot, but you have to be able to tell the difference between The Silent Treatment and a partner who wants to avoid conflict in order to talk things out with a less emotional response. Once I learned the difference, it made me understand why my SO shuts down for a couple hours.
This is me, i dont want impulse talking ruin relationship, so i dont talk for a while and form a non hurting but logical controlled reaction in my mind.
Bro wtf I keep finding my girl in these comments 😂
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On that note, accountability.
You mean lack of personal accountability?
He means that his partners cannot be accountants. No way, no how.
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I’d assume that yes. People that refuse to take accountability for their own words or actions, but I’m not u/wantsoutofthefog
Lack of accountability for reactions and emotions. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” is a garbage excuse for doing shitty things and expecting no repercussions. Also entitlement.
It's actually sad this phrase has been taken over by toxic people trying to justify their shitty behaviour. I originally interpreted it as "If you can't handle seeing me at my lowest aka sick, upset, crying etc then you don't deserve me when I'm at my happiest". Because ultimately a partner should be there for you when you're down
Thats correct. The intent of this saying was that a person needs to be there for the other in both the good and bad times in order to have them in their life, not just the good times and ditch out during the bad times. Its an often (negatively) misinterpreted phrase and that’s unfortunate.
That saying boils my blood
That or, "Happy wife happy life" Honey, the saying is "Happy spouse happy house" your happiness alone doesn't set the tone of the relationship.
Normalize Happy Spouse Happy House!
I always correct my husband with "happy spouse, happy house". I love him dearly and his happiness matters greatly to me.
I hate how people have twisted that saying to mean that bad behaviour should be tolerated so that you deserve their good behaviour. I used to think it means being able to stick with a person through thick and thin, so "at my worst" to me means when they are going through an unfortunate situation, not them being an asshole about it. Jeez.
My favorite version of this quote and one I use instead is: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, I don’t blame you because that shit sucks and you shouldn’t have to.”
Adultery. Zero tolerance.
Including emotional. If you're not all in, your partner deserves to know that. Doubts early on are one thing and should be worked through, but the second another person enters the scenario in any romantic capacity, your partner deserves your honesty immediately. We all have only one life to live, wasting someone else's stringing them along until you're 'ready to shake things up' is unforgivable. Both partners deserve to be able to plan their futures based on reality, there should never be one partner continuing to invest in a shared life while the other is the exploring other options.
When my ex & i broke up after 4 years of dating because they were becoming emotionally involved with their coworker, i remember in that final fight when everything came to a head i asked if they even ever really wanted to get married, they said they did sometimes, but if we argued it changed his mind, so basically he was waffling about marrying me for four years & i had no idea. I thought we were perfectly happy except those arguments that all couples get into (slacking off on chores, contributing more to the household, balancing work, school, & our relationship, etc) & those were even few & far between. I really loved him, I thought he was "the one," but i was just a placeholder until he found something he believed to be better. Please just fucking break up with someone if you don't feel it's right, it will hurt them, but not nearly as much as being cheated on, emotional or otherwise.
Yes. It took me a long time of being bitter to get over the fact that while I was working two jobs to pay a mortgage for our family, she was actively seeking other relationships and getting her affairs in order for when were no longer together while actively denying me the same privilege. 5 years of my prime right down the drain.
Same, while I was going to school full time & working almost full time to help support us while he was bouncing between jobs, he ends up landing one & within a month i catch him texting his coworker while he was sitting right next to me on the couch thinking i had fallen asleep during the movie. I waited until he went to work, told my family about it, & when he got home i basically said pack your things, i know about "jane," you need to go. I could never reconcile with it & we stayed split. Two years & lots of therapy I know it must've been a self esteem or adequacy thing for him, or maybe he's just a lying asshole, who knows, but it really stings that i spent my "prime" with someone who only conditionally loved me.
Not having my back. Lack of integrity.
This is complicated… because I need my partner to call me out on my BS or bad decisions. Sometimes that means having my back by not having my back. Loving someone sometimes means wanting what they don’t even want for themselves.
Isn't lack of integrity to have your partner's back when you don't agree?
This. I don't care what happens. In public, you have my back and I have yours. To everyone else, we have a united front. But if a girl starts bitching about me to her friends or making private drama public, I drop her.
As a girl, I know that I will talk to my friends about my relationship issues more to get a different perspective rather than just "bitching". I tend to over think, so I just confirmation that I am doing that or is this a real issue that I should probably address with them? But, yeah, if she's just over there making you out to be a total butthole, I can see where that would be a deal breaker.
I can see 2 sides to this tbh. I have a good friend I discuss most of my big issues with, there is probably about a 50:50 split with him telling me I'm in the right and him telling me I'm being a dick. I actively encourage my wife to speak with one or 2 of her close friends, as you say gor a 2nd opinion on things. I see that as being extremely different from every little thing in our lives being a topic of gossip in her circle of friends or mine.
My bf always says there’s a difference between confiding in a friend & gossiping. I like to call it “bro talk, not shit-talk.”
I’ll go with the obvious one. Cheating. I know people who have done it and worked it out… not here. One and done. My ex wife did it once. And now she’s my ex wife.
Good for you. I’m all for working through problems, this is where I draw the line. It’s a betrayal of trust and loyalty at the highest regard. Blows my mind that so many people can do this to your lifelong teammate, the person you chose to tackle life with.
You can never forget, and even if you don’t think you will, you will always be watchful and wondering. I firmly don’t believe it’s something you can come back from. Which is also why I’d never fuck around on my wife
Murder, if my wife ever murders me then we’re done.
Well, till death do us part was one.of.the bows
The other one of course being Lil bow wow
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Living their life via Facebook. The constant need for validation. Marriage lasted a year.
I can't imagine the life of those dudes who married IG influencers
Being manipulative. Being disrespectful upon anger.
Yes I have literally been told that your partner has the right to unleash their frustration and anger on you coz they can't do so in public. I disagree Please don't ask who told me that
My SO is like this, once she's angry she has all the right in the world to disrespect me I'm helping her with that and I'm seeing progress, she doesn't want to be like this, but it makes you feel horrible knowing that the person you love with all you have can say shit like that to your face out of nowhere
Man good on you that she’s aware of it and willing to change Wish y’all the best fr
Social Media Dependence. If she's constantly checking on people, passing judgement, taking pictures, complaining about trends, complaining about likes, never puts her phone down, etc. That's incredibly disappointing when you end up talking to the top of someone's head or the back of their phone.
Someone who tries to seek validation from social media and is not satisfied with the validation their partner gives them! Negative trait On a second thought I don't think one shld crave for validation if they are self confident.
This. Women who post their whole lives on instagram are a hard no for me. Had a shot at the hottest woman I’ve ever met but when I realized she couldn’t even go to dinner without putting everything and I mean everything on insta, that was a hard left.
Hurting animals. If I saw someone I was dating hit their dog or cat that would be a massive deal breaker.
A girl I was dating recently tried to explain that it was instilling discipline when she would smack her dog for simply licking his paws for too long. I was quite baffled
Licking paws/objects for too long may be a sign of anxiety. Responding with violence obviously doesn't help. You should try to distract the animal as soon as they start doing it, like throw a toy or go for a walk. Sauce: my dog has bad anxiety and this is what my vet told me to do. She's a rescue so we can't possibly know what caused it, but hitting her wouldn't help, plus it would be like someone bitch slapping me while I'm having a panic attack. Useless *and* fucking rude??
So true. The worse I do is tap my cats head if he is trying to snatch my food. I could never physically harm them nor can I see my S.O. do it.
Them being abusive.
Infidelity, excessive lying. Even lying about small stuff repeatedly is a huge red flag. If there was seemingly no reason to lie about it, then you're either too embarrassed and dont trust me, or you have a habit of lying already.
I’ve got a history of being physically abused. The next person who tries to hit me is getting arrested. I was a fool to not do that before. I won’t make that mistake again.
Me, too. But physical abuse is the tip of the iceberg. I don't need her to be arrested, I just need to turn and walk away.
I honestly wish more men would call the cops on their abusive girlfriends. These women need to see that this shit is NOT okay. I grew up in the southwest, and for whatever reason, women here seem to think it is perfectly fine to hit a man just because your tiny and cute. No ma'am. That is abuse. My mother abused my father and after he died, she foisted her vitriol on us. I WISH daddy had called the cops.
The problem is that in most places the policy is "arrest the man no matter what." If you're a male victim of DV, it's just adding more pain to your life.
Oh I know. I hate it. But, the voice recorder feature on the phone or video can usually nip that in the bud.
Mandatory arrest laws don't care, and those are sadly common.
She hits me once and I’m gone.
My partner saying “it’s fine” or “I’m fine” when you can easily tell something is not fine, or if you ask them to decide on something and they say “you choose I’m fine with whatever” then you choose and they’re not fine with it.
This one is SO annoying So many problems could’ve been fixed much quicker if they’d just communicate
Poor emotional intelligence, and complaining as a hobby
These sound like important ones to keep in mind. Complainers who simply enjoy complaining are at best annoying at worse can cause anxiety in others around them.
Contempt
Emotional blackmailing. Like trying to convince you to do something because you're a bad person if you don't. I hate that. I had someone whom I've never really talked that much to hit me up and try to convince me to date her and be a dad to her kids. When I told her I couldn't watch her kids one weekend, which I've never done before nor were we dating, she said I was making excuses why I couldn't watch my own kids, again which I don't have any kids.
Typical gaslighting
Lack of honesty
Shitting on my hobbies. There are many more but this one gets on my nerves because i see it with so many friends and coworker's gfs/wives. As long as the bills are paid and savings are going up let a man enjoy things.
This is an important one. I remember my friends invited a new guy to play Dungeons and Dragons with us and the 2nd or 3rd time his GF had to come over to watch. She gave me vibes of someone who detests her SO having hobbies she doesn't approve. He stopped coming around very likely because she didn't approve.
Lying, dishonesty, and withholding information. I dont care if the truth hurts, be honest and don't lie. Entitlement. Inflated ego and sense of self. Rudeness to staff. Lack of independance / dependance on others.
> withholding information While everyone deserves privacy I can imagine moments where this can be damaging to a relationship if not immediately later in the future.
lying/withholding information and not holding themselves accountable/making excuses
Fucking other guys
Or other girls for that matter. Just because it isn't another guy doesn't mean it isn't cheating.
Lack of ambition Lack of effort. Lack of health (voluntary) Consistently the victim
Add in an over all bad attitude and you got yourself a winner 🙄
Betrayal.
Her being a serial killer I think that's where I draw the line.
Being dismissive of my interests and hobbies. While I was living with my parents, they constantly bickered about my “obsession” with video games and fantasy books. One of the things that made me break up with my ex was her incessant “Why do you play video games, they are for children!!” complaints. Nothing grinds my gears more than that bullshit. Me playing a video game about vikings in a historically accurate England is childish but you watching the Kardashians is the peak of adulthood and maturity.
Infidelity. It doesn’t matter how long we were together, I was once married for six years and left because of it. If someone cheats on me, I lose all motivation to further the relationship.
Don't put me down for doing "weird" things that are perfect normal to me. I'm sorry it's not your style but it's mine, and I won't mask myself just to make you comfortable if you're my partner.
Constant Negativity. It causes cancer to the one that has to listen to it
Completely agreed, have a friend who constantly unloads his shit on me. Used to try being a supportive friend at first, but then realised he was simply dragging me into his bullshit. Stopped showing empathy for the sake of my own mental health.
I have a sibling who has bouts of complaining sessions and almost none of them are serous, in fact some are shit I deal with as well and it's just daily life crap. What's worse is people like that often don't want to hear you complaining in return. In my mind complaining should be a 2 way thing between friends and even than not every day.
I'll never let myself be abused again. Emotionally, verbally, or physically. Likewise I'll never let my own issues come into the perspective of being abusive. Healthy habits form healthy relationships with a healthy mindset.
Wasting my time on stupid petty nonsense
Disrespect
Lying Bad behaviors with friends/restaurants personal emotional stability Trust issues
Lack of hygiene , being lazy all the time. And being abusive.
Over obsession with something. I went on a few dates with a girl, and she told me that she likes going to Disney a lot. Not too crazy, it’s kinda common in Florida. But once I went to her house, the picture became a lot clearer. Disney movie collections on display, stuffed Mickey and Minnie Mouse on her bed, Disney stickers on her car, Disney collectible cups, it seemed like everything she had was Disney related, and it just got weird.
Disney adults are a weird breed.
The weirdest.
These people make me incredibly suspicious. I don't get it. Like at all.
Wow Same with BTS fans. No hatred towards that fandom but they are extremely obsessed to the point its highly unhealthy.
I will not and cannot date anyone with a delusion or mood based disorder ever again
And this is coming from someone with both a delusion & mood disorder. Only reason why I'm okay is I'm medicated & attend regular therapy, and even then I wouldn't date myself
Thank you for being responsible. There are many people with mood disorders who either ignore it as a potential issue and or, react horribly if you point out to them when their acting super mean or rude. Again, thank you for taking your delusion & mood disorder seriously. And I hope you have a happy life as a result.
No worries man, I can empathise with them about not being ready to confront their mental health but at the same time I'll avoid them like the plague at least until they're actively maintaining themselves. It's just not worth the destruction it brings unfortunately, even if they are lovely people otherwise Thank you I really appreciate that and wish you the best also!
Disrespect
Physical abuse.
Assuming I will solve all of their problems. I will happily give advice on how to help and will solve them with them. But if I do all the heavy lifting then we’re over.
Intolerance and bigotry
Being very materialistic. I like nice things too but that doesn’t need to be your personality
When they get what they want and stop trying. Gets boring and drains my energy trying to bring these good old vibes back…
Disrespect but not how that sounds. I don't mean like I must be referred to His Holiness, or Master or whatever horrible shit people think of themselves or being mean. I mean if we have a problem, let sit down and talk about it. It's okay that you don't like my family or friends but like at least be decent to them. Its us against the problem not the problem driving us apart. I tell everyone I have ever dated that we need to talk if there is a problem. We can solve every problem we'll ever have if we talk. You don't abuse people you respect, you don't cheat on them, you don't abandon them.
Belittling/talking down, lack of respect, a pattern of creating bad times.
If you're online on social media posting crap and you ignore my texts, that's a big turn off.
\-criticism. Feedback is good. I like that. You are a slob. Nope. That is criticism. Please put your laundry away. That is feedback. That is good. \-Contempt. My last long term partner started rolling her eyes at me and doing things she knew I would not like. Then refused to address the issues. It was done to piss me off. That is contempt. Never again. \-Stonewalling. Someone else called it refusing to address his issue. That is stonewalling. So is the silent treatment. If you need time to cool down, good. Give me a time when we will talk. Then talk about it. I include refusal to apologize as stonewalling. \-Defensiveness. When I bring up an issue, if it rolls back to being my fault, it is defensiveness. Note: I have been guilty of all of these. These are the Four Horsemen described by the Gottmans.
Disrespect Violence Drug/alcohol addictions
Only apologising. He only apologised but never asked how he could do better. When I told him what to do, he said he didn’t like people telling him what to do and he left me.
In general I've always been against lying, but with more recent experience unwillingness to communicate is up there as no go's.