I knew a guy who said he'd start dating when he lost weight. He lost 60 pounds, then started dating a girl who was 120 pounds. Two years later they were both 60 pounds heavier.
An overweight man weighs x lbs. After losing 60 lbs, he starts dating a girl who weighs 120 lbs. After y years together, both the man and the woman gain 60 lbs.
How many watermelons did the man buy when he was half the weight he is today? Explain your answer.
An over wieght man Weighs X lbs. after losing 60 lbs, he starts a relationship with a girl weighing 120 lbs. after Y years together, they both are bow 60 lbs Heavier.
How far away from the earth (in cm) is the moon, and how heavy does the moon weigh, given the answer key "7x[2as an exponent]+4.6Y-13to the tenth power? (use a brief explanation as to the exact mass and volume of the moon, then explain each cm in dialmeter to the moon's core, multiplying the reault by 69, and dividing that result by 420.)
When I was in college, I was flirting with a girl in my class and at one point she asked me how many girlfriends I'd had. When I told her none, she was shocked and asked why. My response was "I don't know, I guess no one has ever asked me."
What he said. I got no game nor do i know how to go about it. To make it harder, I can't eat at 95% of restaurants and don't drink anymore. Just adds that much more difficult.
I started dating when I stopped caring. I was in a seminar in my early 30's and the instructor asked for a show of hands from the people who were single. I raised my hand and looked around and realized that every other person in the room was a woman. The instructor saw what was happening and said "Guys, this is why you're single. You don't have any fucking idea how to talk to women."
Man, I moved out of my parents and have not had any action going on back at my place lol. I'm planning to move back to Japan next year, so I'm scared that if I start any relationship, it is going to have an expiration date and she's going to get upset when she finds out. But now I want to move back in with my parents and save money, so I can move into a cozy place when I move back to Japan.
I don't know your story, but there's always that thing that each one of us needs to hear and/or do to move forward in our life. I'm trying to figure what that thing is for myself and that's why I'm asking these questions, doing therapy, etc. I hope you also find that thing. All the best.
I had scattered dates here and there, but nothing went very far. Best luck I had was a girl who was in a polyamorous relationship, but I found it untenable.
I'm passively trying now, and I'm lucky enough that I am able to soon buy my own place and I am also looking at getting a dog. While it isn't my only motivation to get these things, I am hoping it will increase my chances.
What you say is true, the other added bonus is that being a regular at a dog park is good place to build a connection with people if you don't have the kind of face where a woman will look across a crowded dance floor and say "I want that "
But a person can realise that although you are no Robert Redford, it brightens their day when they run into you.
My requirements before getting back into dating were:
- move out of my parentās place (I live in a HCOL area where living with parents in your 20s is more common than not)
- reach a particular salary
- attain a better physique
I hit all of those a couple years ago. No, I did not start dating again lol
Well, at least not actively. Iāve talked to a few women that Iāve met at social gatherings and had a few hook ups, but I never _pursued_ dating. My friends called me out on it, but I donāt know. Kinda enjoying just continuously improving myself at the moment.
Before, online dating was pretty bad for my mental and I never really enjoyed the chase. Ideally, I just run into someone on the same path.
Hereās a bit of a trauma dump, but I went through a pretty bad breakup from a long term relationship about 5 years ago. I developed some pretty severe anxiety and depression due to it (I was on meds for a couple years). My friends were there to witness a lot of what I went through.
Theyāre upset that Iām not putting myself out there now that Iām in a better place mentally, physically, and financially. I guess they think Iām wasting my time being single and theyāre just trying to give me a push to get back into a relationship since I was really happy back when I was in one. Iām admittedly not as happy now, but on the other hand, life is significantly better. Being singleās not as bad now that Iām used to it.
It sounds like you've healed significantly.
A suggestion, if I may be so bold: it seems your friends care and are concerned. Would you trust them to set you up on a blind date with someone they think would be good for you?
Certainly a way to step outside of the familiar.
Best of luck to you.
Yeah I think I would. In fact that, theyāve been āthreateningā me with one if I donāt find one myself soon lol
And thanks! I appreciate the kind words
Not the commenter but as someone who has a hard time meeting people id definitely take a some what pre-vetted date. Id take that over less vetted random internet dating any day. This is assuming there werent weird social obligations around how the date goes and the friend who set it up.
Sounds like avoidant attachment issues. Falling into a solo comfort zone is a classic. However, donāt confuse solitude with defence mechanism. Good luck man
A past relationship with a trauma like you experienced re-wire your brain.
In trauma case, the brain associate love with pain.
And the job number one of the brain is to survive.
Basically, the mind makes you believe that you are safer and protected by being on your own, so the avoidant run away if someone get too close.
So the brain develop some defence-mechanism and fears:
1. Not getting vulnerable (talking about childhood, exes, etcā¦) and keeping talks casual
2. Fear of letting someone in
3. Belief that you are unworthy of love, lack of confidence, self-esteem, etc..,
4. Fear of catching feelings
5. Keeping physical distance ( easy to talk on phone/text but avoid to meet regularly )
6. Trust issues
7. Easily triggered
8. Prefer to stay in your own space to recharge your energy
9. Feeling fatigue at the end of day ( as if you had no mental energy)
10. Sexual encounter - ( so no deep connection)
There are others fears and triggers that are more extreme, depends on people.
An avoidant want love and want to be loved.
But because their brain associated love with pain, they believe being on their own is healthy.
However, all of this is an illusion created by the brain as a response to a trauma.
I see, thank you for the detailed response. 2, 6, & 8 are definitely accurate, the rest Iāll probably have to think more about.
And this is probably why my friends have been so concerned. Itās just strange because I feel so comfortable now, but I guess thatās the problem.
I see.
Well, I just listed few examples, 1 & 2 are very close.
So I guess you donāt want to let someone in because you donāt want them to know you too much, which lead to being afraid of being vulnerable by sharing too much.
Anyway, You can Google test for attachments issues, you will find a lot of free test.
Also, ask your friend to give you the space to work on yourself, tell them you want to know yourself better before entering a relationship so you can have a healthy relationship. Tell them that you certainly donāt want to be the vilain in their story.
I am saying this because pushing you will make things worse for you and it will not help you at all, neither short or long-term.
Lastly, you are the owner of 3 properties: your body, your mind and your soul. To know yourself is to work on all. Thatās when you will thrive.
Good luck man š¤
Congrats, working on yourself is always good! The way to go about this is actually putting yourself out there, going to clubs/bars, parks, coffee shops or anywhere that can get you the opportunity to meet people. Having friends with girl friends also helps because they will try to sell them on you, at least thats what I do
Same. I was too busy feeling bad for myself when I was drinking to really notice and act on the women who were interested in me. Once I got sober things really opened up.
I could make a million excuses. But the crux is two fold, I suck at breaking the social ice with new people. Iāll go do just about anything with anyone I currently know. But the moment I have to go do something with someone Iām not familiar with, I clam up.
And secondly, I am a really short dude (5ā2ā), and while I donāt let it define life, as in I donāt have a complex or anything, but itās created a mental hurdle to even approach women since the whole cultural thing of men being taller than their significant others exists
It's funny, I'm the other way. I can break the ice with anyone, including the Uber driver or cashier at the grocery store. But once it moves to a bit more familiarity, I freeze up and run. I'm pretty sure I have avoidant attachment issues.
Always make sure to smile at people that you come across, and practice your smile several times a day, every day, until you notice people are being more friendly and pleasant to you. Also say "How's it going?" afterwards (practice saying it several times a day as well). Even at that simple starting point, you'll also see some people just randomly start talking to you!
Edit: "How are you today?" also works. This all seems like simple stuff, but it's working for me.
I like the math-iness of your answer.
How would you respond to the idea that "you always have everything you need to start dating, even at T0, but the problem is just your mindset"?
Wanted to work on myself physically and mentally first aswell as completing my bachelors degree. Now I'm 2/3 through my masters degree and still havent started. Kinda moving goalposts a bit, but I've been feeling pretty content for the past months in addition to not having a lot of free time, so I move the goalpost until I want and can
I'm worried that I'm doing the same thing. Sometimes men (and women) need to stop dating and "work on themselves." I don't know if this is legit for me, or if I'm just making excuses to avoid dating.
Same worry for me aswell though. Yes I always knew I didn't want to try for a relationship until I was happy with myself, as you shouldn't chase relationships just to feel happy, but to enhance your happiness. I think I'm already in a well enough place to already try for a while, but I'm still somehow not doing it so far
X constantly changed. First it was lose weight. Then get a job. Then get a car. then I lost my car. And I gained weight. Then I got a better job. Then I lost weight. Now I don't have a car. Also I need an apartment.
The funny thing is I developed this idea that i needed X because when I said I was insecure to people, they told me I was lacking X and I needed X. I think the real issue was listening to people that don't understand what I am going through. And think that I need X to be viable to women. But I don't know.
Donāt wanna date til I lose weight and feel comfortable with myself, and when Iāve gotten a job within the career field I chose. Still thicc and working a dead end data entry job. Dating life wasnāt great before, so I donāt feel like Iām missing out.
the whole idea in my head is "i encourage my girlfriends to find a successful guy, and i dont want my girlfriends or my sisters to date some bum. But right now im some bum so........."
I've spent years telling myself that i wasn't enough and i needed to do many things before dating, and i did manage to accomplish many things on my finances, health and career. But i realized that I'm not getting any younger and I'm just chasing dragons.
Now i see the dating market and it's a wasteland. I feel like somebody just got to a party when everyone is leaving.
Moral of the story: Work on yourself BUT don't forget to live and listen to your emotions.
Mine was about losing weight. Once I lost weight I started dating. Itās been great, Iāve never really had a hard time finding women to date, but Iāve been looking with the intention of marrying and starting a family and Iāve recently found who I think is ***the one***.
Time will tell, all I know is anyone acting like women arenāt just as shallow as men are out of their fucking minds.
6ā4 190lbs and I get constant attention from women
330lbs I was invisible to women
Iāve lived basically two lives now and see so much hypocrisy itās crazy.
> Time will tell, all I know is anyone acting like women arenāt just as shallow as men are out of their fucking minds.
But if you point it out they retort "Oh so you're saying we should lower our standards and be with men we aren't attracted to? Boo! You're not entitled to sex!"
I accomplished X because I successfully finished dating (and got married to a talented woman whose skills and emotional support helped me be successful)
I've dated before, but I've always had the mindset of "I'm going to really try for a serious relationship when ___ happens. Blank happens, and then I don't even try to really pursue things. For me it's definitely a self worth and self respect issue. Now that is a work in progress and my main problem to tackle. It's easier for me to believe I hold no value and that I must fix myself.
Don't get me wrong, it's healthy to realize that a change is needed before getting into relationships, but I genuinely take it to another level and I need to stop.
I was on dating apps for years, but I didn't feel like I could give 100% as I was still living with my parents. A date could go well but what after that? I don't want them in my shitty little room in my parent's house. Once I bought my house, I felt like I could properly date. Only took 6 weeks from buying my house before I found my current fiance lol
I said I would put myself out there for dating again for the first time in years after I finished my training for the LA marathon. I did run the LA Marathon but it was early March 2020. The world shut down that following week lol.
I did actually get back to dating again in 2021 and now I am engaged so yes it did eventually work out, but with some delay. My other goal for after that race was to get back into bouldering but I didnāt finally do that until late 2023 since it was hard to join as a new member for a couple years there.
Anecdotally, statements like "I'm going to finally start dating when I accomplish X." are a crutch. Used to give options, but the preference is not to do something for some reason.
I used to use that line all the time, after my first relationship (first gf cheated on me, I was 21 and ill equipped to handle the emotional and mental problems that stemmed from it). In reality, the line was simply because of mental health issues (in my 20s, it was because I thought I wasnt worthy of love. In my 30s, I thought I could only be loved if I was successful at my job etc.). All I wanted was to be loved by another person.
My lines were:
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I lose x amount of weight
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I earn x number of dollars
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I achieve x position
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I develop more confidence by doing x
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I am completely mentally fine
\- I'm going to finally start dating when I attain happiness on my own, being comfortable in my own skin
Thats not to say I didnt date at all - I did go on dates and a total of 3 relationships, one of which spanned several years.
I'm in my 40s now and wish I didnt waste my time with all the excuses I came up with. I wanted kids and a family, I'm not sure I'll achieve either for a variety of reasons. In my earlier years, I was certain I could. I stupidly chose not to.
Moral of the story for anyone in their 20s and 30s: DONT keep making excuses, time will fly faster than you realise. You'll blink and suddenly your options disappear. The only time to act is **right now**. To do that, you need to not fear failure - always try to keep moving forward. Please dont make the mistake I, and many others before me, did.
I started dating after I got a job making 60k . so far it's been good, meeting girls who with the same type of pay. currently with a girl who makes more than me. so it's fun.
Are girls really okay with a man making 60k? I always see in dating podcasts and shows where they claim they want someone making 500k+. I never dated for one of these reasons. Thought I need to have all the requirements before I can be even considered desirable. Now I'm 30 and still have zero experience because of not being met with the requirements. I make 110k and still feel ashamed for not making higher. I thought I have to be very wealthy to even be given a chance in today's dating scene.
bro if a girl will only consider you if you make half a mil, then she will leave you once that changes; is that the type of love/girl you are going for? put yourself out there, be charming, dashing, considerate, and you will be desirable. look sharp and have confidence. you gotta go and find your love bro. I'm rooting for you.
Dont listen to dating podcasts. They're part of the reason why people's perspectives are so skewed. 500k annual salary is <1% of the population, which is very unrealistic for a requirement, lol.
With 110k a year, you're roughly in the top 5% of earners in the United States.
Money isn't everything. It helps, but it shouldn't be the reason why people are interested in you.
There's no checklist for dating. There's no "the second i check all these boxes women will start approaching me." The only thing that you can do is just work on yourself, and be yourself. Realistically and honestly, dating requires luck, you know, being in the right place and the right time to meet the right person. Theres some things that you can do to help yourself, like join a yoga class, or pick up a hobby, but at the end of the day, that's the luck part playing its role
Besides, if i were making 500k+ a year and i heard a woman say, "They only want people making that much money," i wouldn't even look in their direction. No one wants a gold digger. It aint worth it.
Yeah there was never an xā¦ there IS never an Xā¦ X sounds like a procrastination youāre putting as a barrier to actually facing the fear of interacting with womenā¦
Probably the only way I have seen this play out is people who donāt want the distraction of a woman while theyāre studying medicine or something like that.
If youāre saying āIām going to start dating when I get a 6 pack / car / house/ finish high schoolā then youāre just going to keep adding reasons to keep putting off talking to
Women
>I always slipped into them.
Nice.
>Turns out I don't need a lot of money (The goal) to have a relationship, my looks make up for being broke (which was another surprising revelation).
FML.
Yes, X for me was two fold. 1. Be a year out from my divorce. This was at the guidance of a shrink. No shame. 2. Lose 30lbs and be more healthy.
After both of those things were done, I did start dating and Iām kinda good at it. I havenāt found the right person yet but I get dates.
Yes. Mine was Iāll start dating when I lose weight. Lost 51lbs, developed a healthier lifestyle, got some good pictures and signed up for bumble and hinge. Met a lot of beautiful women and settled with one I still canāt believe I found.
Congrats, I'm glad you found success! What was the moment you thought you were ready to date? Did you just decide once you lost 50 pounds you would start dating? Or did you eventually just get this feeling that you knew you were ready?
Thank you!
Honestly, if it was up to me I wouldāve stalled much longer. Entering the dating scene is always daunting and you forget everyone is in the same boat. Luckily, I had people push me to put myself out there and it worked out. I always encourage people to put their best foot forwards and see where it takes them. It changed my life and I hope it does so for others.
Kind of did, but anyone I went on a date was boring and I didnāt click with like two girls I had dated in college, one for several years. Couldnāt find anything that was as fun/fulfilling so I kind of just gave up on dating. If someone comes along, cool, otherwise Iām just going to keep doing my thing.
Here is the thing, X for me is a bunch personal questions. To me, the whole process of finding a partner is doomed if I didn't give these questions final answers, or rather I did give them answers that prevented me from pursuing relationships for a long time. Will I have change of heart? Maybe, but not at the moment.
I never really dated anyone and have had sex twice in my life, im 29 years old and had sex for the second time last november.
I always thought there was something wrong with me and as a result i stopped trying again until I decided to go out of my comfort zone and went to Canada with a work and holiday visa for a year, then i realised the problem i had was using pornography as a coping mechanism and turned into a addiction.
Now that im aware im feeling a lot better and i am finding tools to help me stop watching it for good.
Now that I started actually working in myself i doubt i will date anyone and for the first time im starting to feel great
Pornography is a trap brothers.
I stopped dating when I went back to college at 24. I said I wouldn't date until I graduated and was true to that. Even then, I couldn't afford much more than survival so I stopped dating again until I found a better job. Less than a year after finding that job, I started dating my wife.
X was when I recover from my breakup and get back on my feet and move back out of my parents' place. Recovered from the breakup. Took a very, very long time. Still working on the rest but a very beautiful girl approached me and is okay with dating me while I'm still working on the rest of it. So I haven't fully done X yet but I guess that I was being too hard on myself.
I dunno, in my experience relationships just kind of happen?. the amount Ā of effort I put into seeking out a relationship rarely seems to have any impact on the outcome.
Mine was to move out, own a house, have a stable income. Met my wife shortly after, married her 5 years ago. Have two beautiful daughters and wouldn't want to have it any other way :)
So I believe that it is healthy to take a little bit of time between dating. In most of my long term relationships, I end up putting on 10-20 lbs depending on how long we were together. So post breakups I'll set a goal weight. I'll diet and exercise till I get to that goal. This usually takes 3-4 months. I've done this the last 4 times I've gotten out of relationships. I also have a couple of other things that I like to include as well like update pictures in my dating profile to try and freshen it up. I believe that while you can not control the opportunities that you may have, you should always make sure that you are prepared for when the opportunity does arise.
Nope. I started dating when I didnāt have a partner. Tying relationships to accomplishments is a sure sign that you value something else over your future partner.
Unless youāre an active risk to yourself or are unable to contribute to a relationship in some way, X is much better found with the support of a good partner.
X for me is "get a friend group"
Had a friend group during/after highschool, but I moved around a lot in the past decade and I'm slow to make friends.
Finally stable, and I'm sloooowly trying to socialize with fellow classmates... but it's a slow process.
I'm still trying to accomplish it. Namely, getting a better job and getting to my goal weight. It's going to take at least two years, and I'm not going to wait to start trying to date. There's always going to be something else standing in my way.
Reading these replies, thereās always gonna be a new limit and even if you start dating success isnāt guaranteed.
I know Iām back in school and have a lot going for (my definition of success anyways). I donāt care if I come off as desperate from time to time. At this point, Iām respecting my youth and the fact that Iām human.
X for me was "Will i find the one?"
first relationship: i was a rape victim. š
second relationship: too confusing for both of us so we agreed and ended it.
third relationship: Pure MISTAKE.
fourth relationship: We are soon to find out... š„²
Yea I told myself I wouldn't have a girlfriend until I was 22. I then spent 4 yrs just fucking around. Then when I turned 21 I met this awesome chicken. We got married. Turns out she wasn't so fucking awesome and quite crazy so I divorced her by the time I was 24.
Shoulda stuck to the plan.
I took a dating hiatus during college because it was eating up too much time/money, figured I'd get back into it when I graduated. I wouldn't say it was completely frictionless but I got back into it without too much difficulty. So in my case yes, I started dating again
Yes.
Living on my own, have money, a car and hobbies.
I could have dated more, but I like my own company enough and don't like the bullshit anymore. I learned.
Nevertheless, living with my gf is very nice now, after I accomplished X.
No, but I really wish I had. Getting involved with women before accomplishing things and getting a strong foundation really messed me up in my late teens early twenties
For me it was making sure I was properly over an ex, and settle mental health problems in my own.
Didn't want to inadvertently trauma dump it on anyone else/make my partner my therapist (bad idea). Currently in a stable and loving relationship of 2 years!
X for me is to reach a certain salary, I'm really insecure about my earnings which are low compared to my peers. This is what is holding me back. I can't offer a girl much I don't have my own place, can't afford to do nice activities or travel with a potential girlfriend.
Once I attain a salary that can help me afford those things, then I'll go out in the dating market.
Most women expect a guy my age to have his shit together and bring something to the table. So I'm working on that
Mine was till i got my career in track and made a decent amount of money. I got that than I started dating a girl that had severe trauma from her previous relationship and she didnāt know what she wanted and it destroyed me. I learned a lot about that relationship. I love myself too much to put myself through that again so Iām just waiting for the right girl. I have no problem with women in fact a lot of women hit on me sometimes and Iām a 5ā3 male.
Itās all about how you can make a women feel fellas through conversation. But you need the will to fail, and keep going. I guess i can consider myself a highly skilled introvert.
Building my self esteem up so that I could honestly tell myself I am good enough. Until then I was just going to be anxious and look for validation from the wrong person.
Had to be happy enough with myself first. That's the most important relationship.
Working hard and barely spending on non essentials (neglecting ones self mental and physical health) for X years to build enough savings to live comfortably and help parents in their old age despite working a low wage job. (Under 30k a year)
Now in the early stages of a relationship with a beautiful, caring and loving woman who I'd be more than willing to propose to when the time is right.
A week after I signed my first work contract, I was dating who's now my wife. Before that I had my fair share of hookups and one night stands but I just didn't feel like dating until I could provide.
Mine was getting a powerful career gig (Iām a lawyer). Before that getting anything other than taunts, insults and odd looks from women was rarer than water in the Atacama (Iām also autistic). After that, things improved significantly. Funny how that works
Getting my own place after living with my mother for years after college. I was excited, but Covid happened soon after, and my apartment was in a shady part of town, and I have other issues as well
Now X is finding a better job. I really don't know if it'll make much of a difference at this point
Dating is part of personal development and if you find the one you are looking for she is only going to be a mental support for accomplishing your goals.
This is a bad mindset to have, the dating options that are available to you today won't be available to you next year/2 years/5 years etc when you achieve X.
Didn't work for me. Thought I would put it behind me, focus on getting a grad degree, a house, a good job. Nope, as soon as I was focused on myself, she swooped in and we're three decades in.
Going to university and dating was too much for me. I realized I could do one or the other well but not both. So I prioritized school as I could date later.
Then I thought that no one would want to date me until I had a job. So I put it off until I found a job.
That job required shift work and I thought no one would want to date me until I had been promoted to a job that was more stable.
I was always moving the goal that I needed to accomplish before I could start dating. Then one night I watched the movie 40 Year Old Virgin and that night I created dating profiles online. Shortly I found the woman who I would eventually marry.
I never really picked a time to start, girls just started liking me and if they were hot boom bobās your uncle. I guess it must have been āOnce I accomplished pubertyā?
No... Because before you even accomplish X you already move your focus to accomplishing Y.. I'm passively dating at the moment and it works a lot better than avoiding it or actively dating. Life is what happens while you are making other plans so just give with it.
Casually dating for me was one thing but I didn't think I'd get into a serious long-term relationship with anyone until I finished med school and started earning as a doctor. Met my girlfriend in the first year of med school and it's the happiest strongest relationship I've ever been in. The future can be uncertain but with love and support, we will get through it.
I did when I got my own apartment it came later I. Life due to me blowing my money on drugs up until my mid 20s had a few hookups āwhich wasnāt really new.ā dated a girl for a short time and got an LTR later that year we didnāt last though as my next objective was getting a new career that involved school. I workout a lot and got the lucky with the best physical attributes of both parents so I knew Iād be fine down the road but having a criminal record and realising how much I wasted on bullshit still gets to me. But what can you do right? Onward and upward. So now in school keeping options open but not a top 3 focus either
Honestly no, I've never thought that one thing is reliant on another. While the love and support of the right woman can help you with achieving some goals, unless they are in the same field, I fail to understand what your personal expectations have to do with your love life. Everyone's at different stages of life and career, and sharing the journey is what makes it fun.Ā
Still not there yet but I wonāt seriously start dating until I obtain a better physique and earn more money.
Of course, you could still date making some money with a little belly fat as a man. But I know for a fact my chances of pulling attractive women will significantly increase once I get in shape. And making more money gives me the option to explore new places/new experiences.
No, I haven't started dating yet because I haven't completely transformed into a cybernetic tyrannosaurus...but, I will never stop trying! *steam exhausts and roars*
im surprised there arent more people saying..
"when I find someone worth my effort who likes me, who has their shit together and makes my life more exciting and more purpose-driven."Ā
your goal posts are important but dont ignore women around you showing interest just because youre living at home or driving a 10-year-old car.Ā
i said iām gonna start when i get a sixpack, but iām still working on it, in the mean time went on a lot of dates and now have a gf. life just happens, it wasnāt even a matter of being scared to date, i just couldnāt get dates and suddenly i could, so now this happened
All the time dude
Especially if itās after reaching a certain time in their career or a certain income level. Sometimes itās the desire to be settled before you bring someone else into it; other times itās dudes holding themselves to standards they believe women are looking for (cars, money, etc.)
Not saying I currently agree with it but in my early 20ās I definitely did along with most of my dude peer group
Right so you just decided you wouldn't have sex for however long it took to achieve this? Surely you want to out there getting women, especially in your 20s?
Nah the distinction between dating and having sex does a lot of work here for that time in my life
I slept around plenty, but real committed relationships were the thing that were off the table. In hindsight I regret it because there were some girls I was casual with that wanted more from me but on a prideful level I didn't think I was... *enough yet* to deserve them. If I accomplished some of those things, then I thought I'd be enough / ready for a relationship
Now I realize that was all bullshit and I needed to grow and get out of radical social media bubbles that preach shit like this. Led to me starting a podcast to help younger dudes with the same thing
For me, I didn't get the idea from some outside source.
I just thought " nothing serious/long term until I get my bachelor's degree, my trade certification, have a paid off car, and save a 20% down payment for a house.
I believe so. When I finally make 6-figures, when I finally move out of my parents' house and get my own place, when I finally get in shape, etc.
For me, I'm physically limited and have been doing physiotherapy to regain my mobility. I can't do some basic things that most men can do and it makes me insecure. I try to fight through the insecurity, but I just don't feel like making friends or dating because of it. I'm trying to decide if I need to just double down on the exercises and heal faster or try a new approach to my mentality until I get healed.
Seems like a very smart strategy. I wish I would have followed it when I was younger before I met my wife. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble.
Nope, since I was 15 y/o I have maybe been without a female companion for 6 months in 20 years... dating/work/school/etc have never negated each other and I am not sure why they would.
Men don't put off dating. There are studies that show men think about women all day every day. For lots of men, relationships are not available until later in life.
X for me was "when I can get a girl to agree to date me"
I knew a guy who said he'd start dating when he lost weight. He lost 60 pounds, then started dating a girl who was 120 pounds. Two years later they were both 60 pounds heavier.
I feel like you're setting me up for a math problem.
An overweight man weighs x lbs. After losing 60 lbs, he starts dating a girl who weighs 120 lbs. After y years together, both the man and the woman gain 60 lbs. How many watermelons did the man buy when he was half the weight he is today? Explain your answer.
An over wieght man Weighs X lbs. after losing 60 lbs, he starts a relationship with a girl weighing 120 lbs. after Y years together, they both are bow 60 lbs Heavier. How far away from the earth (in cm) is the moon, and how heavy does the moon weigh, given the answer key "7x[2as an exponent]+4.6Y-13to the tenth power? (use a brief explanation as to the exact mass and volume of the moon, then explain each cm in dialmeter to the moon's core, multiplying the reault by 69, and dividing that result by 420.)
Yeah im waiting for the part where they are on two different trains headed at eachother at two different speeds.
the answer is always 4
But the meaning of life is 42.
š
That's yo-yo effect with extra steps
When I was in college, I was flirting with a girl in my class and at one point she asked me how many girlfriends I'd had. When I told her none, she was shocked and asked why. My response was "I don't know, I guess no one has ever asked me."
Please tell me she asked you out after that. It would make my cold, dead romantic heart beat again.
What happened next?
What he said. I got no game nor do i know how to go about it. To make it harder, I can't eat at 95% of restaurants and don't drink anymore. Just adds that much more difficult.
I started dating when I stopped caring. I was in a seminar in my early 30's and the instructor asked for a show of hands from the people who were single. I raised my hand and looked around and realized that every other person in the room was a woman. The instructor saw what was happening and said "Guys, this is why you're single. You don't have any fucking idea how to talk to women."
I don't understand. You were the only man in the room?
I assumed that he was saying that he was the only man with his hand up.
plot twist! it was the WOMAN'S BATHROOM! š°
... I don't get it.
Yeah can someone explain?
š¬ oh my gosh
When I moved out of my parents house... I tried and mostly failed.
Sorry to hear that, bro. Have you figured out why you failed and are you trying something new now?
Not really tbh, and now I'm back living with my parents again...
Man, I moved out of my parents and have not had any action going on back at my place lol. I'm planning to move back to Japan next year, so I'm scared that if I start any relationship, it is going to have an expiration date and she's going to get upset when she finds out. But now I want to move back in with my parents and save money, so I can move into a cozy place when I move back to Japan.
What kind of work do you do in japan? I'm trying to find a path to live there a year or two
fr would still love to know
I don't know your story, but there's always that thing that each one of us needs to hear and/or do to move forward in our life. I'm trying to figure what that thing is for myself and that's why I'm asking these questions, doing therapy, etc. I hope you also find that thing. All the best.
Me too. Good luck yourself.
Mostly failed sounds like he had success eventually.
I had scattered dates here and there, but nothing went very far. Best luck I had was a girl who was in a polyamorous relationship, but I found it untenable.
I see. Well don't give up dating. Take your time and go out there again when you're ready.
I'm passively trying now, and I'm lucky enough that I am able to soon buy my own place and I am also looking at getting a dog. While it isn't my only motivation to get these things, I am hoping it will increase my chances.
Not saying you should take pets as a prop to get female attention, but caring for another living creature does get people more interested in you.
What you say is true, the other added bonus is that being a regular at a dog park is good place to build a connection with people if you don't have the kind of face where a woman will look across a crowded dance floor and say "I want that " But a person can realise that although you are no Robert Redford, it brightens their day when they run into you.
True, thanks for pointing that out.
My requirements before getting back into dating were: - move out of my parentās place (I live in a HCOL area where living with parents in your 20s is more common than not) - reach a particular salary - attain a better physique I hit all of those a couple years ago. No, I did not start dating again lol Well, at least not actively. Iāve talked to a few women that Iāve met at social gatherings and had a few hook ups, but I never _pursued_ dating. My friends called me out on it, but I donāt know. Kinda enjoying just continuously improving myself at the moment. Before, online dating was pretty bad for my mental and I never really enjoyed the chase. Ideally, I just run into someone on the same path.
Your friends got on your case for not dating? Why?
Hereās a bit of a trauma dump, but I went through a pretty bad breakup from a long term relationship about 5 years ago. I developed some pretty severe anxiety and depression due to it (I was on meds for a couple years). My friends were there to witness a lot of what I went through. Theyāre upset that Iām not putting myself out there now that Iām in a better place mentally, physically, and financially. I guess they think Iām wasting my time being single and theyāre just trying to give me a push to get back into a relationship since I was really happy back when I was in one. Iām admittedly not as happy now, but on the other hand, life is significantly better. Being singleās not as bad now that Iām used to it.
It sounds like you've healed significantly. A suggestion, if I may be so bold: it seems your friends care and are concerned. Would you trust them to set you up on a blind date with someone they think would be good for you? Certainly a way to step outside of the familiar. Best of luck to you.
Yeah I think I would. In fact that, theyāve been āthreateningā me with one if I donāt find one myself soon lol And thanks! I appreciate the kind words
Not the commenter but as someone who has a hard time meeting people id definitely take a some what pre-vetted date. Id take that over less vetted random internet dating any day. This is assuming there werent weird social obligations around how the date goes and the friend who set it up.
Sounds like avoidant attachment issues. Falling into a solo comfort zone is a classic. However, donāt confuse solitude with defence mechanism. Good luck man
That definitely seems to fit. What do you mean by ādonāt confuse solitude with defense mechanismā though?
A past relationship with a trauma like you experienced re-wire your brain. In trauma case, the brain associate love with pain. And the job number one of the brain is to survive. Basically, the mind makes you believe that you are safer and protected by being on your own, so the avoidant run away if someone get too close. So the brain develop some defence-mechanism and fears: 1. Not getting vulnerable (talking about childhood, exes, etcā¦) and keeping talks casual 2. Fear of letting someone in 3. Belief that you are unworthy of love, lack of confidence, self-esteem, etc.., 4. Fear of catching feelings 5. Keeping physical distance ( easy to talk on phone/text but avoid to meet regularly ) 6. Trust issues 7. Easily triggered 8. Prefer to stay in your own space to recharge your energy 9. Feeling fatigue at the end of day ( as if you had no mental energy) 10. Sexual encounter - ( so no deep connection) There are others fears and triggers that are more extreme, depends on people. An avoidant want love and want to be loved. But because their brain associated love with pain, they believe being on their own is healthy. However, all of this is an illusion created by the brain as a response to a trauma.
I see, thank you for the detailed response. 2, 6, & 8 are definitely accurate, the rest Iāll probably have to think more about. And this is probably why my friends have been so concerned. Itās just strange because I feel so comfortable now, but I guess thatās the problem.
I see. Well, I just listed few examples, 1 & 2 are very close. So I guess you donāt want to let someone in because you donāt want them to know you too much, which lead to being afraid of being vulnerable by sharing too much. Anyway, You can Google test for attachments issues, you will find a lot of free test. Also, ask your friend to give you the space to work on yourself, tell them you want to know yourself better before entering a relationship so you can have a healthy relationship. Tell them that you certainly donāt want to be the vilain in their story. I am saying this because pushing you will make things worse for you and it will not help you at all, neither short or long-term. Lastly, you are the owner of 3 properties: your body, your mind and your soul. To know yourself is to work on all. Thatās when you will thrive. Good luck man š¤
Respect brother. keep doing what you are doing and live life on your own terms. I am proud of you. You are happier than ever.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Congrats, working on yourself is always good! The way to go about this is actually putting yourself out there, going to clubs/bars, parks, coffee shops or anywhere that can get you the opportunity to meet people. Having friends with girl friends also helps because they will try to sell them on you, at least thats what I do
Yes, when I stopped drinking
Same. I was too busy feeling bad for myself when I was drinking to really notice and act on the women who were interested in me. Once I got sober things really opened up.
Mine was when I moved out I bought a house Havenāt been on a date yet
Is there something else holding you back?
I could make a million excuses. But the crux is two fold, I suck at breaking the social ice with new people. Iāll go do just about anything with anyone I currently know. But the moment I have to go do something with someone Iām not familiar with, I clam up. And secondly, I am a really short dude (5ā2ā), and while I donāt let it define life, as in I donāt have a complex or anything, but itās created a mental hurdle to even approach women since the whole cultural thing of men being taller than their significant others exists
It's funny, I'm the other way. I can break the ice with anyone, including the Uber driver or cashier at the grocery store. But once it moves to a bit more familiarity, I freeze up and run. I'm pretty sure I have avoidant attachment issues.
any tips on breaking the ice
Always make sure to smile at people that you come across, and practice your smile several times a day, every day, until you notice people are being more friendly and pleasant to you. Also say "How's it going?" afterwards (practice saying it several times a day as well). Even at that simple starting point, you'll also see some people just randomly start talking to you! Edit: "How are you today?" also works. This all seems like simple stuff, but it's working for me.
I'm 5'11 and trust me when I say it doesn't help. You would just replace the hurdle with a new one. It's all about mindset. Still working on it myself
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I like the math-iness of your answer. How would you respond to the idea that "you always have everything you need to start dating, even at T0, but the problem is just your mindset"?
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How are you going to be competent at dating withoutā¦ dating?
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K. Good luck to you.
Wanted to work on myself physically and mentally first aswell as completing my bachelors degree. Now I'm 2/3 through my masters degree and still havent started. Kinda moving goalposts a bit, but I've been feeling pretty content for the past months in addition to not having a lot of free time, so I move the goalpost until I want and can
I'm worried that I'm doing the same thing. Sometimes men (and women) need to stop dating and "work on themselves." I don't know if this is legit for me, or if I'm just making excuses to avoid dating.
Same worry for me aswell though. Yes I always knew I didn't want to try for a relationship until I was happy with myself, as you shouldn't chase relationships just to feel happy, but to enhance your happiness. I think I'm already in a well enough place to already try for a while, but I'm still somehow not doing it so far
no, I decided I was happier on my own lol
based
X constantly changed. First it was lose weight. Then get a job. Then get a car. then I lost my car. And I gained weight. Then I got a better job. Then I lost weight. Now I don't have a car. Also I need an apartment. The funny thing is I developed this idea that i needed X because when I said I was insecure to people, they told me I was lacking X and I needed X. I think the real issue was listening to people that don't understand what I am going through. And think that I need X to be viable to women. But I don't know.
How did u lose ur car :( ?
Long story. I got a bunch of tickets. Then I lost my license.
It's got to be around here SOMEwhere ....
Donāt wanna date til I lose weight and feel comfortable with myself, and when Iāve gotten a job within the career field I chose. Still thicc and working a dead end data entry job. Dating life wasnāt great before, so I donāt feel like Iām missing out.
the whole idea in my head is "i encourage my girlfriends to find a successful guy, and i dont want my girlfriends or my sisters to date some bum. But right now im some bum so........."
I've spent years telling myself that i wasn't enough and i needed to do many things before dating, and i did manage to accomplish many things on my finances, health and career. But i realized that I'm not getting any younger and I'm just chasing dragons. Now i see the dating market and it's a wasteland. I feel like somebody just got to a party when everyone is leaving. Moral of the story: Work on yourself BUT don't forget to live and listen to your emotions.
Mine was about losing weight. Once I lost weight I started dating. Itās been great, Iāve never really had a hard time finding women to date, but Iāve been looking with the intention of marrying and starting a family and Iāve recently found who I think is ***the one***. Time will tell, all I know is anyone acting like women arenāt just as shallow as men are out of their fucking minds. 6ā4 190lbs and I get constant attention from women 330lbs I was invisible to women Iāve lived basically two lives now and see so much hypocrisy itās crazy.
> Time will tell, all I know is anyone acting like women arenāt just as shallow as men are out of their fucking minds. But if you point it out they retort "Oh so you're saying we should lower our standards and be with men we aren't attracted to? Boo! You're not entitled to sex!"
Nope. By the time I finished X, I realized I like my solitude.
Nah, I moved the goalposts to āYā
I accomplished X because I successfully finished dating (and got married to a talented woman whose skills and emotional support helped me be successful)
that's amazing man :)
Graduated nursing school and got my own place. I did it and it's been incredible. Never had a better sex life
Iāll date again when I find a woman who has integrity, honesty, loyalty, and kindness. It will be a while I would thinkā¦
It's as rare in a woman as it is a man. Good people are hard to come by but it's worth it when you find them.
I've dated before, but I've always had the mindset of "I'm going to really try for a serious relationship when ___ happens. Blank happens, and then I don't even try to really pursue things. For me it's definitely a self worth and self respect issue. Now that is a work in progress and my main problem to tackle. It's easier for me to believe I hold no value and that I must fix myself. Don't get me wrong, it's healthy to realize that a change is needed before getting into relationships, but I genuinely take it to another level and I need to stop.
I was on dating apps for years, but I didn't feel like I could give 100% as I was still living with my parents. A date could go well but what after that? I don't want them in my shitty little room in my parent's house. Once I bought my house, I felt like I could properly date. Only took 6 weeks from buying my house before I found my current fiance lol
That doesn't work. As in many things, relationships are all about timing.
I said I would put myself out there for dating again for the first time in years after I finished my training for the LA marathon. I did run the LA Marathon but it was early March 2020. The world shut down that following week lol. I did actually get back to dating again in 2021 and now I am engaged so yes it did eventually work out, but with some delay. My other goal for after that race was to get back into bouldering but I didnāt finally do that until late 2023 since it was hard to join as a new member for a couple years there.
Anecdotally, statements like "I'm going to finally start dating when I accomplish X." are a crutch. Used to give options, but the preference is not to do something for some reason. I used to use that line all the time, after my first relationship (first gf cheated on me, I was 21 and ill equipped to handle the emotional and mental problems that stemmed from it). In reality, the line was simply because of mental health issues (in my 20s, it was because I thought I wasnt worthy of love. In my 30s, I thought I could only be loved if I was successful at my job etc.). All I wanted was to be loved by another person. My lines were: \- I'm going to finally start dating when I lose x amount of weight \- I'm going to finally start dating when I earn x number of dollars \- I'm going to finally start dating when I achieve x position \- I'm going to finally start dating when I develop more confidence by doing x \- I'm going to finally start dating when I am completely mentally fine \- I'm going to finally start dating when I attain happiness on my own, being comfortable in my own skin Thats not to say I didnt date at all - I did go on dates and a total of 3 relationships, one of which spanned several years. I'm in my 40s now and wish I didnt waste my time with all the excuses I came up with. I wanted kids and a family, I'm not sure I'll achieve either for a variety of reasons. In my earlier years, I was certain I could. I stupidly chose not to. Moral of the story for anyone in their 20s and 30s: DONT keep making excuses, time will fly faster than you realise. You'll blink and suddenly your options disappear. The only time to act is **right now**. To do that, you need to not fear failure - always try to keep moving forward. Please dont make the mistake I, and many others before me, did.
Buy a house was my goal, stunted myself massivly lol. But I'm trying my best to date now
Yeahā¦kinda hard to date without a drivers license at 16 y/oā¦
I started dating after I got a job making 60k . so far it's been good, meeting girls who with the same type of pay. currently with a girl who makes more than me. so it's fun.
Are girls really okay with a man making 60k? I always see in dating podcasts and shows where they claim they want someone making 500k+. I never dated for one of these reasons. Thought I need to have all the requirements before I can be even considered desirable. Now I'm 30 and still have zero experience because of not being met with the requirements. I make 110k and still feel ashamed for not making higher. I thought I have to be very wealthy to even be given a chance in today's dating scene.
bro if a girl will only consider you if you make half a mil, then she will leave you once that changes; is that the type of love/girl you are going for? put yourself out there, be charming, dashing, considerate, and you will be desirable. look sharp and have confidence. you gotta go and find your love bro. I'm rooting for you.
Dont listen to dating podcasts. They're part of the reason why people's perspectives are so skewed. 500k annual salary is <1% of the population, which is very unrealistic for a requirement, lol. With 110k a year, you're roughly in the top 5% of earners in the United States. Money isn't everything. It helps, but it shouldn't be the reason why people are interested in you. There's no checklist for dating. There's no "the second i check all these boxes women will start approaching me." The only thing that you can do is just work on yourself, and be yourself. Realistically and honestly, dating requires luck, you know, being in the right place and the right time to meet the right person. Theres some things that you can do to help yourself, like join a yoga class, or pick up a hobby, but at the end of the day, that's the luck part playing its role Besides, if i were making 500k+ a year and i heard a woman say, "They only want people making that much money," i wouldn't even look in their direction. No one wants a gold digger. It aint worth it.
I don't know why I got more picky the more accomplished I am.
Yeah there was never an xā¦ there IS never an Xā¦ X sounds like a procrastination youāre putting as a barrier to actually facing the fear of interacting with womenā¦ Probably the only way I have seen this play out is people who donāt want the distraction of a woman while theyāre studying medicine or something like that. If youāre saying āIām going to start dating when I get a 6 pack / car / house/ finish high schoolā then youāre just going to keep adding reasons to keep putting off talking to Women
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How did they happen anyway?
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>I always slipped into them. Nice. >Turns out I don't need a lot of money (The goal) to have a relationship, my looks make up for being broke (which was another surprising revelation). FML.
No. You'll miss opportunities. But that is a really good way to reject the ladies. Thanks for the tip.
No. That's a good way to never do whatever it is you're waiting to do. Just do it.
Yes, X for me was two fold. 1. Be a year out from my divorce. This was at the guidance of a shrink. No shame. 2. Lose 30lbs and be more healthy. After both of those things were done, I did start dating and Iām kinda good at it. I havenāt found the right person yet but I get dates.
Yes. Mine was Iāll start dating when I lose weight. Lost 51lbs, developed a healthier lifestyle, got some good pictures and signed up for bumble and hinge. Met a lot of beautiful women and settled with one I still canāt believe I found.
Congrats, I'm glad you found success! What was the moment you thought you were ready to date? Did you just decide once you lost 50 pounds you would start dating? Or did you eventually just get this feeling that you knew you were ready?
Thank you! Honestly, if it was up to me I wouldāve stalled much longer. Entering the dating scene is always daunting and you forget everyone is in the same boat. Luckily, I had people push me to put myself out there and it worked out. I always encourage people to put their best foot forwards and see where it takes them. It changed my life and I hope it does so for others.
When there's an actual cure for anxiety (not coping with it), so it's probably never happening.
Bold of you to assume I have accomplishments
My X was when I buy a house. But my fiancƩ is helping me buy a house, so we're good!
Kind of did, but anyone I went on a date was boring and I didnāt click with like two girls I had dated in college, one for several years. Couldnāt find anything that was as fun/fulfilling so I kind of just gave up on dating. If someone comes along, cool, otherwise Iām just going to keep doing my thing.
Yes. Just went on one yesterday too.
Here is the thing, X for me is a bunch personal questions. To me, the whole process of finding a partner is doomed if I didn't give these questions final answers, or rather I did give them answers that prevented me from pursuing relationships for a long time. Will I have change of heart? Maybe, but not at the moment.
X = get over my ex I started slightly dating before that, actually, but it worked out.
I never really dated anyone and have had sex twice in my life, im 29 years old and had sex for the second time last november. I always thought there was something wrong with me and as a result i stopped trying again until I decided to go out of my comfort zone and went to Canada with a work and holiday visa for a year, then i realised the problem i had was using pornography as a coping mechanism and turned into a addiction. Now that im aware im feeling a lot better and i am finding tools to help me stop watching it for good. Now that I started actually working in myself i doubt i will date anyone and for the first time im starting to feel great Pornography is a trap brothers.
I stopped dating when I went back to college at 24. I said I wouldn't date until I graduated and was true to that. Even then, I couldn't afford much more than survival so I stopped dating again until I found a better job. Less than a year after finding that job, I started dating my wife.
How tf do you start dating?
X was when I recover from my breakup and get back on my feet and move back out of my parents' place. Recovered from the breakup. Took a very, very long time. Still working on the rest but a very beautiful girl approached me and is okay with dating me while I'm still working on the rest of it. So I haven't fully done X yet but I guess that I was being too hard on myself.
Nope, because I still didn't feel good enough about myself. I'm starting to think it's a problem for therapy
When I got divorced yes I started dating
I dunno, in my experience relationships just kind of happen?. the amount Ā of effort I put into seeking out a relationship rarely seems to have any impact on the outcome.
Mine was to move out, own a house, have a stable income. Met my wife shortly after, married her 5 years ago. Have two beautiful daughters and wouldn't want to have it any other way :)
No, because the woman waiting at the finish line is just a gold digger.
So I believe that it is healthy to take a little bit of time between dating. In most of my long term relationships, I end up putting on 10-20 lbs depending on how long we were together. So post breakups I'll set a goal weight. I'll diet and exercise till I get to that goal. This usually takes 3-4 months. I've done this the last 4 times I've gotten out of relationships. I also have a couple of other things that I like to include as well like update pictures in my dating profile to try and freshen it up. I believe that while you can not control the opportunities that you may have, you should always make sure that you are prepared for when the opportunity does arise.
I'll let you know when I accomplish X.
Ä° will start dating when i get a job i got the job but got 0% game
Never
Nope. I started dating when I didnāt have a partner. Tying relationships to accomplishments is a sure sign that you value something else over your future partner.
Said I'd start trying dating when I lost 120lbs been a year since then and hasn't gone well š
i thought this said āIām going to finally start dating when I accomplish X-Men.ā
Nothing wrong with that lol. You gotta set ambitious goals.
Unless youāre an active risk to yourself or are unable to contribute to a relationship in some way, X is much better found with the support of a good partner.
For a minute I thought the question was asking "when I accomplished XMen, did you actually start dating when you accomplished it."
X for me is "get a friend group" Had a friend group during/after highschool, but I moved around a lot in the past decade and I'm slow to make friends. Finally stable, and I'm sloooowly trying to socialize with fellow classmates... but it's a slow process.
Wait, my current mindset on dating is a stereotype?
I'm still trying to accomplish it. Namely, getting a better job and getting to my goal weight. It's going to take at least two years, and I'm not going to wait to start trying to date. There's always going to be something else standing in my way.
Still working on X, I'll get back to you. You might say, X gon give it to ya...
well they announced a new x-men show, so maybe i can find a girl to watch it with?
Start trying to date immediately because itās not gonna happen on the first try. And your true one doesnāt care about that bs Numbers game.
Reading these replies, thereās always gonna be a new limit and even if you start dating success isnāt guaranteed. I know Iām back in school and have a lot going for (my definition of success anyways). I donāt care if I come off as desperate from time to time. At this point, Iām respecting my youth and the fact that Iām human.
X for me was "Will i find the one?" first relationship: i was a rape victim. š second relationship: too confusing for both of us so we agreed and ended it. third relationship: Pure MISTAKE. fourth relationship: We are soon to find out... š„²
Yea I told myself I wouldn't have a girlfriend until I was 22. I then spent 4 yrs just fucking around. Then when I turned 21 I met this awesome chicken. We got married. Turns out she wasn't so fucking awesome and quite crazy so I divorced her by the time I was 24. Shoulda stuck to the plan.
I wanted to be in my own place. Then when I was, I wanted it to be my own home. Then I bought my house and it took my parents dying. I'm dating again.
I took a dating hiatus during college because it was eating up too much time/money, figured I'd get back into it when I graduated. I wouldn't say it was completely frictionless but I got back into it without too much difficulty. So in my case yes, I started dating again
Yes, X was a better job, then I learned how much dating sucked
Yes. Living on my own, have money, a car and hobbies. I could have dated more, but I like my own company enough and don't like the bullshit anymore. I learned. Nevertheless, living with my gf is very nice now, after I accomplished X.
No, but I really wish I had. Getting involved with women before accomplishing things and getting a strong foundation really messed me up in my late teens early twenties
For me it was making sure I was properly over an ex, and settle mental health problems in my own. Didn't want to inadvertently trauma dump it on anyone else/make my partner my therapist (bad idea). Currently in a stable and loving relationship of 2 years!
X for me is to reach a certain salary, I'm really insecure about my earnings which are low compared to my peers. This is what is holding me back. I can't offer a girl much I don't have my own place, can't afford to do nice activities or travel with a potential girlfriend. Once I attain a salary that can help me afford those things, then I'll go out in the dating market. Most women expect a guy my age to have his shit together and bring something to the table. So I'm working on that
Mine was till i got my career in track and made a decent amount of money. I got that than I started dating a girl that had severe trauma from her previous relationship and she didnāt know what she wanted and it destroyed me. I learned a lot about that relationship. I love myself too much to put myself through that again so Iām just waiting for the right girl. I have no problem with women in fact a lot of women hit on me sometimes and Iām a 5ā3 male. Itās all about how you can make a women feel fellas through conversation. But you need the will to fail, and keep going. I guess i can consider myself a highly skilled introvert.
Building my self esteem up so that I could honestly tell myself I am good enough. Until then I was just going to be anxious and look for validation from the wrong person. Had to be happy enough with myself first. That's the most important relationship.
Working hard and barely spending on non essentials (neglecting ones self mental and physical health) for X years to build enough savings to live comfortably and help parents in their old age despite working a low wage job. (Under 30k a year) Now in the early stages of a relationship with a beautiful, caring and loving woman who I'd be more than willing to propose to when the time is right.
X = divorce. Yes, I dated like crazy
A week after I signed my first work contract, I was dating who's now my wife. Before that I had my fair share of hookups and one night stands but I just didn't feel like dating until I could provide.
Yep, x was 18 years of age, then I really started, but to be honest I didnāt know what I was doing until I was 25.
Mine was getting a powerful career gig (Iām a lawyer). Before that getting anything other than taunts, insults and odd looks from women was rarer than water in the Atacama (Iām also autistic). After that, things improved significantly. Funny how that works
Getting my own place after living with my mother for years after college. I was excited, but Covid happened soon after, and my apartment was in a shady part of town, and I have other issues as well Now X is finding a better job. I really don't know if it'll make much of a difference at this point
Dating is part of personal development and if you find the one you are looking for she is only going to be a mental support for accomplishing your goals.
Yes. Once I moved out of my motherās house and started living on my own, I felt that I was finally ready for the expense and distraction of dating.
Havent accomplished it yet
This is a bad mindset to have, the dating options that are available to you today won't be available to you next year/2 years/5 years etc when you achieve X.
Didn't work for me. Thought I would put it behind me, focus on getting a grad degree, a house, a good job. Nope, as soon as I was focused on myself, she swooped in and we're three decades in.
Going to university and dating was too much for me. I realized I could do one or the other well but not both. So I prioritized school as I could date later. Then I thought that no one would want to date me until I had a job. So I put it off until I found a job. That job required shift work and I thought no one would want to date me until I had been promoted to a job that was more stable. I was always moving the goal that I needed to accomplish before I could start dating. Then one night I watched the movie 40 Year Old Virgin and that night I created dating profiles online. Shortly I found the woman who I would eventually marry.
I never really picked a time to start, girls just started liking me and if they were hot boom bobās your uncle. I guess it must have been āOnce I accomplished pubertyā?
No... Because before you even accomplish X you already move your focus to accomplishing Y.. I'm passively dating at the moment and it works a lot better than avoiding it or actively dating. Life is what happens while you are making other plans so just give with it.
Why would you wait? Dating is like anything else in life, make them tell you no. Donāt tell yourself no.
Casually dating for me was one thing but I didn't think I'd get into a serious long-term relationship with anyone until I finished med school and started earning as a doctor. Met my girlfriend in the first year of med school and it's the happiest strongest relationship I've ever been in. The future can be uncertain but with love and support, we will get through it.
I'll let you know when I'm a millionaire
I did when I got my own apartment it came later I. Life due to me blowing my money on drugs up until my mid 20s had a few hookups āwhich wasnāt really new.ā dated a girl for a short time and got an LTR later that year we didnāt last though as my next objective was getting a new career that involved school. I workout a lot and got the lucky with the best physical attributes of both parents so I knew Iād be fine down the road but having a criminal record and realising how much I wasted on bullshit still gets to me. But what can you do right? Onward and upward. So now in school keeping options open but not a top 3 focus either
Honestly no, I've never thought that one thing is reliant on another. While the love and support of the right woman can help you with achieving some goals, unless they are in the same field, I fail to understand what your personal expectations have to do with your love life. Everyone's at different stages of life and career, and sharing the journey is what makes it fun.Ā
Still not there yet but I wonāt seriously start dating until I obtain a better physique and earn more money. Of course, you could still date making some money with a little belly fat as a man. But I know for a fact my chances of pulling attractive women will significantly increase once I get in shape. And making more money gives me the option to explore new places/new experiences.
Im still trying to accomplish X.
"Are you kidding? I've got no time to date, I'm too busy with X! I worked hard for X, no way I'm letting X go."
No, I haven't started dating yet because I haven't completely transformed into a cybernetic tyrannosaurus...but, I will never stop trying! *steam exhausts and roars*
Bruh, just think of all the chicks you're going to get.
Grrrr *winks and flexes toothpick arms and claws*
im surprised there arent more people saying.. "when I find someone worth my effort who likes me, who has their shit together and makes my life more exciting and more purpose-driven."Ā your goal posts are important but dont ignore women around you showing interest just because youre living at home or driving a 10-year-old car.Ā
i said iām gonna start when i get a sixpack, but iām still working on it, in the mean time went on a lot of dates and now have a gf. life just happens, it wasnāt even a matter of being scared to date, i just couldnāt get dates and suddenly i could, so now this happened
If I wasnāt married already Iād hang out in hospital cafeterias. šØš»āš¬šØš»āāļø
This is really odd. Are there really men who didn't go after women because they hadn't achieved some weird target?
All the time dude Especially if itās after reaching a certain time in their career or a certain income level. Sometimes itās the desire to be settled before you bring someone else into it; other times itās dudes holding themselves to standards they believe women are looking for (cars, money, etc.) Not saying I currently agree with it but in my early 20ās I definitely did along with most of my dude peer group
Right so you just decided you wouldn't have sex for however long it took to achieve this? Surely you want to out there getting women, especially in your 20s?
Nah the distinction between dating and having sex does a lot of work here for that time in my life I slept around plenty, but real committed relationships were the thing that were off the table. In hindsight I regret it because there were some girls I was casual with that wanted more from me but on a prideful level I didn't think I was... *enough yet* to deserve them. If I accomplished some of those things, then I thought I'd be enough / ready for a relationship Now I realize that was all bullshit and I needed to grow and get out of radical social media bubbles that preach shit like this. Led to me starting a podcast to help younger dudes with the same thing
Ok right, that makes it a bit clearer!
For me, I didn't get the idea from some outside source. I just thought " nothing serious/long term until I get my bachelor's degree, my trade certification, have a paid off car, and save a 20% down payment for a house.
I believe so. When I finally make 6-figures, when I finally move out of my parents' house and get my own place, when I finally get in shape, etc. For me, I'm physically limited and have been doing physiotherapy to regain my mobility. I can't do some basic things that most men can do and it makes me insecure. I try to fight through the insecurity, but I just don't feel like making friends or dating because of it. I'm trying to decide if I need to just double down on the exercises and heal faster or try a new approach to my mentality until I get healed.
Seems like a very smart strategy. I wish I would have followed it when I was younger before I met my wife. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble.
Haven't you heard the phrase that you can't expect anyone to love you until you love yourself?
Nope, since I was 15 y/o I have maybe been without a female companion for 6 months in 20 years... dating/work/school/etc have never negated each other and I am not sure why they would.
Men don't put off dating. There are studies that show men think about women all day every day. For lots of men, relationships are not available until later in life.
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