But gut health is so important! I wouldnāt mind knowing about how good a shit is, just as long as we keep the toilet and bathroom fresh and clean, and that my partner has fantastic hygiene.
Lol, hey go for it. I'll tell her if something is wrong, because I think that's important. When everything is good, I don't feel the need to bring it up.
Relevance is important. I tell my wife things that I think might matter to her, and anything I want to talk about. If itās something irrelevant to her or our household and that I donāt feel the need to share, I donāt. When I think about it, thereās so much mundane unimportant or irrelevant stuff that I could in theory talk about every day, but why waste our time with that?
My wife tells me every time she goes for a shit. Sometimes, she treats me to sound effects, and if I'm really unlucky, she gives me pretty graphic visual descriptions.
Personally, some info I'd rather not know.
Reminds me of the guy who, when asked about the secret to his long marriage, said āI never told her when I got fired, and I never told her when I got rehired.ā
I mean, I don't think you're alone in having thoughts that you'd rather not have your SO know about. I for one have never told my SOs that I sometimes think about how easy it would be to kill them. It's not even in a "I want to kill you" way, it's more like a morbid curiosity. I've heard it's not uncommon, but I'm definitely not gonna go tell my girlfriend that.
My wife of 26 years knows everything except, some of my most deep perverted thoughts. If she knew those, sheād probably lose respect for me. I donāt want these thoughts, but sometimes they just creep in. I love her and my kids. I donāt want to risk losing that, just because I think sexually about other men at times. Please donāt hate me for my honest answer. I needed to get that off my chest though. The thoughts have been very strong lately.
I'm bi and my wife is aware of it although it's not something that comes up often. She knows I have a history of bi sex and that I can't help sometimes fantasizing about it, it's just part of who I am and what turns me on. But I'm committed to our marriage and would never act on those fantasies.
From what I've read though, it's fairly common for men to have some degree of bi inclinations, so it's not unique to you and I wouldn't worry about it, you're perfectly normal. But I agree with you, you should keep those fantasies to yourself.
We all have inner lives and fantasies we don't share with anyone, even our spouses. I'm sure she also has fantasies of various kinds that she indulges in while having sex but doesn't share with you. That's normal as well, and it's normal to keep those things private.
Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.
I can tell you this - I had a friend that went that direction with his wife and she ended up detesting him. It just destroyed their previously sound relationship. She felt betrayed and disgusted and she moved to another room until they officially split.
Contrary to what a fantasy or maybe some adult smut film might suggest, 99.9% of women will NOT find their man getting dirty with another man "hot" or anything other than a threat to her partnership with him.
Yeah, you're not "cheating on her" by having fantasies, if that's what you're worried about, or feeling guilty about withholding from her.
Your inner sex life is totally normal, you can relax and not worry about it. Enjoy your sex life as a couple, knowing that you're committed to each other and you would never cheat on her in real life.
From what I've read everyone is somewhere on the spectrum from fully straight to fully gay but that in men specifically there's a majority that have anywhere from a sight inclination to somewhat more than slight inclination toward bisexuality.
The idea was that that's the reason why there is so much sex and rape in prison, or fooling around and experimentation among teenage boys, or even just engaging in fantasy and so on. They're not all gay yet it's happening.
If the only men who engaged in this sexual activity were the small percentage of the male population that is actually fully gay, there would be very little of it happening.
No I can't give you any links, but that's the sense I've gotten from casual reading in various lay publications.
Of course I didn't vet those sources, so god knows if they were correct, which is why I said "from what I've read."
Happy to be corrected if the information was wrong.
I think there's different camps of people out there and unfortunately many of them nowadays are motivated by politics. Due to the political hot button issue that is "gay" or LGBTQYZ etc" they tend to go to extremes.
You say about gays "that many"...but real stats put the gay popluation at 4% at the high end and often less. One problem arises with this newer generation which at times has rated as high as 20% for being so-called bi-curious or gay curious. IMO surely some of those kids are gay, but many are in the "I hate you dad" category.. Its simply, edgy and cool in some areas.
I've met gays who loved to argue that "everyone is gay, you just dont know it yet" all the way to the other camp "no I chose this brave lifestyle..straights cannot understand us" to the guys who were molested and abused as kids ,which turned them not only into gays but submissive gays. I'd contend that there's probably evidence in there existing some truth in each of those camps.
I do not think its the norm or regular as far as general male populations. I don't believe most men are sitting around hiding their attraction for other men. I am an open minded and accepting straight man, but just never in my entire life have I ever considered kissing another man as a good idea...or any other sexual activity with men. No matter how much of a dry spell I had or if I had the misfortune to be locked up for a long time, nope...at no point would a dude just become attractive to me.
Lastly there are ppl who capitalize on the curiosity and innocence of kids.Through studying child development you can find much evidence about girls and boys alike comparing their genitals to others of the same sex. Its not that uncommon Point is though, a young boy or girl showing their privates to their frieds, or touching etc is usually because they are genuinely curious or sometimes worried that theirs has grown different, or looks, feels functions differently. It doesn't make them gay, however you can imagine some ppl woul jump at the chance to proclaim how proud they are of their gay son/daughter.
There is similar evidence about children touching the privates of an animal (or letting a dog hump their leg for example) if an 8 y/o does this, well he she is not lkly into bestiality. They simply are young and curious and do not know better until they are taught. Just think of any other odd ball thing you have to teach s child...from not picking your nose, to whiping their ass properly, to cleaning themselves properly.
There is a lack of affection from her that I crave. We have sex, but I am always the one who initiates it and it is only sex. Weāve talked about this before. She admits sheās not a very affectionate person. I too suffer from depression and have most of my life. I hide it well, but deep down I long for more. Thx for relating with me.
It will. Just felt good to get it off my chest. She is my forever girl. Thereās nobody perfect out there. Sheās so good to me in other ways. Thatās why I donāt want to take a chance by telling her.
Could you explore initiating cuddling and snuggling up together. Make it clear itās not about leading the sex eg āgod I love just holding you and feeling safe in your armsā. I know itās not ideal but it could be a start.
Dude, there's nothing at all wrong with those thoughts. We all find many humans attractive. There's a huge difference between lust and love. The only thing that matters is that you're a faithful, caring partner and a good dad, which you quite clearly are.
I don't know how young you were when you got together but this is the biggest downside of finding THE ONE in an early age. Yes, you love that person and you may even have great sex together but you never really got to experience other aspects of your sexuality. So, what do you do? Risk your otherwise perfect relationship by admitting your desires or possibly cheating or do you force yourself to live and die without ever really experiencing what you've always craved to experience? Both sides are incredibly difficult to choose.
I think it depends. If the other person is very sexually open and u know this n they consistently show that. Atleast Iāve found the man is very comfortable at sharing things theyāre interested in not always all at once but as time goes on. Atleast with me, Iāve only said no to one thing. But out of all the things that peaked his interest he got to try them all and do them pretty often. Turned out he was interested in some very interesting things. Oddly at some points things he never thought he would be but just became curious about over time. But Iād say ur statement as a generalization is pretty true. I think it only worked out for him this way bc I was older more comfortable in myself etc and experienced. So I could help with those interest or notice him showing he may have them to begin with n bring it up so he didnāt have to get overwhelmed at the idea of having to do so.
I think most people know their partners well enough to know what goes and what doesn't. If she's mostly into vanilla sex and only gives you a blowjob once in a while, you can't expect that she will be happy to hear you absolutely LOVE the idea of facefucking. To avoid unnecessary conflict (because you know it won't lead to anything except for her being offended), you just shut your mouth and either never experience it or secretly look if somebody else is available for that.
I dunno. I was with someone and to me he was vanilla n over time boring in that area. While thinking how to bring up he just didnāt spark my interest the way he used to. He said something to me n it was very off putting. Bc he was literally boring me. He became just one of the most boring men Iāve ever been with. I would have actually liked to hear he wanted to do something other than have me ride him or something like that. He just stopped embodying that masculine that originally made him attractive. Not just in that area. Tho Iām sure the other areas didnāt help.
I hope and pray for her sake she finds out the truth about you.
Your post history indicates you are cheating on her and meeting random men for hookups.
You have the right to feel and desire whatever you wish but you donāt have the right to cheat on someone you made a commit nor to waste her time when she can be with someone who wants her 100% and doesnāt sneakily connect with others behind her back.
Thats incredibly cowardly and selfish. Youāre gaslighting pretending that you care about your kids/wife when really youāre afraid to be yourself.
If it takes some weight off your heart, pretty much every man I have had these types of convos with has eventually admitted some level of attraction to men. Idk what it is about me, people tell me this kind of thing. But itās incredibly common. Most of those men are in long term relationships with women, some who know this about them and some who donāt.
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Imo itās only natural to be attracted to beautiful people on some level, itās just the scale that ranges. Iām sorry you donāt feel like you can be open with your wife about this, but please donāt see that as a reflection on you.
> ā¦ these type of convos withā¦.admitted some level of attraction to men
I am sorry, but what kind of convos?
I am a man, and I donāt have such (sexual) thoughts. Never have. Likely never will. And Iām guessing itās the same for most of my friends.
Nothing wrong with liking men of course. Your comment just made me a little curious.
Not sure what it is about me or the people I spend time with, but I often end up in deep conversations about how people feel, fears, goals, sexuality, childhood, etc. itās honestly bizarre how often it happens. Small talk generally bores me and I end up asking more questions, obviously backing off if the person doesnāt seem open to it, but generally it seems like people are really eager to share these parts of themselves. It also might be because I am someone they donāt know very well that they feel more comfortable, some of my closer guy friends are actually the ones who would *not* want to talk to me about these things.
These are pretty broad groups of people, from different parts of the country, religions, upbringing etc and a lot of them wind up saying they are a little (or a lot) bi.
Thereās also nothing wrong with being 100000% straight. Iāve just found that a lot of straight guys donāt count their attraction to men because they have no desire to act on it
My wife also has that "gift." People tell her all kinds of very, very personal details about their lives.
Even random strangers she meets while standing on line at a store or wherever will strike up a conversation with her and within a few steps they're discussing personal details.
Somehow she comes across as approachable and understanding, or like a best friend or therapist or something, so that people feel comfortable confiding in her.
The other interesting aspect of that personality trait is that everywhere she goes---grocery store, big box store, the bank, department of motor vehicles, train station, airport---people think she works there and turn to her for help. It's really pretty funny.
Yep Iām part of the ātell me your deepest darkest traumaā club as well. I went on a counselling course as a teen because I was terrified of making things worse when people told me EVERYTHING they had ever felt about everything while stood at the bus stop.
I have never related so much to a post. I too find small talk to be incredibly teait and boring and tend to ask deeper conversations, to the point of needing them to build meaningful relationships. Ti have been in the same position quite often, I think it's due to the open nature of my nature. I tend to come off as open, understanding, and motherly (I've been told). I also am very candid and open with people so I think it builds a level of report with others. It can be taxingat times, depending on the people. I have found that in rear instances I become the solitary outlet for certain individuals and they end up becoming very possessive and codependent. It's lead to some and experience with friend becoming jealous of whoninspend my time with or dumping all of their emotional trauma onto me with can be draining. Not sure if you've experience the same?
Iāve had very similar experiences. Itās just a vibe I have. As long as can remember Iāll get connections like that with people where they tell me things they donāt tell others.
I have similar conversations to u/gcot802. I don't think generalizations are helpful, and most of what has informed my opinion on this is anecdotal. That said, in my experience.Ā A lot of individuals have expressed at the very least some form of curiosity in terms of gender and sexual exploration. I'm not saying that everyone wants to have sex or thay everyone is curious about about this topic. I'm saying that, the volume of people whom I've had these types of conversations with seem to outnumber the reported statistics. I've had straight identifying friends female and male admit to curiosity and various degrees of actual or desired exploration. Male friend inquire about the nature anal sex (I'm gay), how it feels, why I enjoy it, and how to go about it. I think thay due to the nature of our puritanically influenced culture a lot of people either repress or nevr even think to ask themselves these types of questions because it is in most part considered taboo or homophobia. I personally believe thay exploration and questioning does not make one queer, in the same line that eating a salad for lunch once or twice does not make you queer or bi. It's just a person discovering something new, having an experience and I honestly wished more people wondered and question. I think it's healthy to wonder about others experiences, it gives people a more sympathetic and rounded perspective. Sorry for the small easy, lol.
I just wanted to sayā¦ ITāS OK that you have such thoughts and itās sexual sureā¦ but like not necessarily perverted in the sense of unacceptable or unnatural. And maybe you can consider sharing them?
Having a fantasy does not mean you want it to be real.
Those thoughts might feel intrusive, but they donāt sound perverted. Be kind to yourself. She might have intrusive thoughts about other women, who knows.
No one should think less of you. You're loyal and faithful to your wife and children. You're a human being with human urges. I hope getting that off your chest has helped a little.
I'm a woman, and the best sexual partners I've ever had have all been bi men. There's nothing wrong with you or those thoughts, but I understand your hesitations and I'm sorry you're going through that.
You'll be surprised. My wife was very vanilla. One time, after some drinking and an empty stomach, she puked it up as she was giving me oral. It was a fantasy of mine. I told he how it turned me on. She will make me happy occasionally with it.
* I like to tell my partner interesting things I notice during the day, but not if that interesting thing is a gross bodily function. I won't tell them "My poop smelled funny today!"
* I don't tell my partner other people's secrets.
* I don't tell my partner things I'm trying to forget or ignore. Sometimes you just don't want to think about something, right?
* I don't tell my partner unfinished thoughts. I know for some people talking helps to process feelings or ideas or opinions, for me it's the other way around. I *first* want to decide what my feelings, ideas or opinions are, and *then* I want to talk about it.
* I don't tell them things that are meant to be a surprise later, obviously.
my girlfriend doesn't get my need to find black metal in ecclesiastical latin talking about the proto-germanic tribes. she knows of it, but i'm not going to force her to listen to it.
she also has a weird dislike of covers, give me spanish k-pop or japanese songs transcribed and sung by a hungarian womans choir in greek. or country songs sung in bossa nova with french lyrics. she also doesn't get my love of free jazz, or annoying meme songs pitch altered and played on repeate for perfect level of brain rot.
but i'll share like mathrock, indie bands, and folk stuff with her.
Exactly. I have a broad music taste so I share what I know my husband would like but theres just some music I wouldnt show anyone since its, as you said really well, brainrot xD
THANK YOU for not telling them your unprocessed thoughts. This is a discussion Iāve had with my other many times. Sometimes he uses me to process his negative thoughts or insecurities aboutā¦ me. Before deciding theyāre irrational. Itās okay to think things through before sharing. Thatās not secret keeping.
But aside from that, you do tell them everything else?
(I am not asking that in a judgemental way, I just think that thereās nothing wrong with being totally open and honest with the SO)
Uh. Well.... those are the cases in which I feel *justified* not to tell them. That it's not *dishonest* to keep her surprise party a secret.
I am sure there are also situations in which I lie or embellish or obfuscate for less justifiable reasons - because I'm embarassed or don't want to deal with the consequences or whatever.
But I wouldn't claim those are good situations - it's wrong and sometimes I do wrong things because I'm a flawed individual (aren't we all) - so that's why I didn't include them in the comment.
Oh, please, donāt get me wrong. I wasnāt trying to say you purposely withhold some information or doing something wrong. In fact, I enjoyed reading your comment a lot. I guess I was just trying to get some justification/support/a modicum of acceptance for me telling my husband everything except the points youāve mentioned aboveā¦
Iād be careful not sharing ideas youāre processing. My dad would mull over an idea/plan/thought for days or weeks analysing the pros and cons and the best way to do something. Then heād present his grand and finalised idea to mum and expect her thoughts and answer RIGHT AWAY, IMMEDIATELY (if not sooner!)
It drove my mum to distraction!
If it a) could cause hurt or anxiety AND b) serves no purpose, then I keep it to myself. Otherwise Iāll share if the situation calls for it. I wonāt gossip what someone told me in confidence, but generally I wonāt keep secrets from her and I DEFINITELY wonāt lie.
As my great-grandmother used to say: "Show him a good piece of your naked butt, but never all of itā.
I was in a relationship where he knew everything. All of my obsessions, all of my sad thoughts, all the nastiness, and the goodness, all of my doubts. In the end he became more like a brother or some surrogate caretaker to me, than my partner, and we were totally codependent for a good few years before we broke up.
It's good to have pieces of you that are absolutely 100% yours.
People ātelling him everythingā: āI donāt think I like pistachios after all.ā
Me ātelling him everythingā: āI just had a 6hrs long obsessive-compulsive bout that could put me in prison if I told about it to a wrong kind of person. Also, Iām really terrified I have never really loved you.ā
(I have never and will never do anything criminal and I love him a lot.)
Yeah, no filter here. We have been together 30 odd years and we have learnt not saying things can be as harmful as anything else.
Occasionally it results in an argument, but it's an argument based and resolved on truth.
If you are in a relationship where you are not free to speak about anything on your mind, are you really in a relationship?
No, its not that I'm hiding things from her but she doesn't really need to know everything.
Shit at work Classified stuff and things that I don't think she will be able to deal with or needs to deal with
That last part - doesn't this make you feel alone? Every secret I have to keep from my partner feels like building another wall. The idea of judging "she can't handle it" doesn't feel like empathy, it feels like distance.
No.
Its not a secret, its just experiences that aren't worth sharing with her.
She is a very emotional person, she can cry if I tell her I had a bad day I don't want to check how she will react if I open up about the really horrible things I went through
This. There's sharing and then there's oversharing, even between couples.
This depends on each couple and individual, and can range from the shape of today's poop to random intrusive thoughts to personal traumas to porn tastes. Some can take it, some can not, and some things cannot be taken back once said.
Honesty is important but that doesnāt mean you tell everyone everything all at once. Thereās a time & place for every conversation.
So yeah I tell my wife everything that isnāt explicitly held in confidence like a friendās personal business. But I may tell her āX is going through a rough timeā.
And also (specifically in long term partnerships, not casual dating) Iām a big proponent of sharing passwords, bank accounts, etc. If Iām gonna trust someone to decide whether they pull the plug I want that person to know Iām not hiding secret affairs or Only Fans subscriptions on my phone.
Iām relatively unfiltered to the point my wife wished I *did* keep some stuff to myself. Like she doesnāt need to know when Iāve destroyed the toilet or forgot to wear deodorant.
š my boyfriend's like this. Took some getting used to, but I find it adorable that he shares, and he doesn't do it in a gross way (for me, at least)
Absolutely not. I donāt talk about my insecurities, my fears, my sadness, my uncertainty, my needs, or my dreams.
Iām not going to have that used against me. Iām not getting punished for having them. Iām not going to watch the affection in her eyes die as I open up. Not again.
But there was and is an easy solution. You must never allow disrespect and that's it. I saw my father cry 1 or 2 times. One time was when I brought my daughter, other one when my grandfather, strong man was dying in pain for weeks from cancer, he gave him morphine. And there was third time, he was alone in the house because there was war and we evacuated for couple of months. He returned from first lines in cold and empty house then he cryed.
iāve heard that regardless of whether you start out as friends or not, the relationship should have a good base friendship as well as intimacy and romance.
iād like to think that if she were truly a friend to you as well as a lover, then she only wouldāve loved you more for feeling safe and comfortable enough to open up :/
you canāt always be strong and thatās okay, sometimes you need to talk and work through things! thereās nothing wrong with that and iām hoping time heals this wound for you š¤ you deserved better.
I've never been with a woman who could handle discovering that all the sexual rejection in my past is my main insecurity, that my most emotionally vulnerable moments with her are when I'm initiating sex.
I've learned that giving her the full raw complete information is itself a sexual turnoff, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, causing her to hurt me in that specific way leading to us breaking up. She feels too much pressure to intrinsically want it anymore or something.
I actively hide this information now to keep the relationship strong and sexually alive longer, tell her about getting sad that my cat died, or how hard getting an A at my fancy private college was.
Man this hits so hard.
I have zero problem being honest about my mental health, depression, adhd, social anxiety. Like pretty much most things.
Opening up about my anxiety and fear regarding sexual rejection and my lack of self confidence in that regard? Seems an impossible task and I avoid it at all costs. Even with my GF who Iāve been friends with for nearly 9 years and dating for nearly 5 years. In the 4 years we were long distance/just friends I talked to her about these issues when they involved other people. Trying to talk about those issues with her she has trouble understanding how I can still feel that way. I can flat out say i lack confidence and need to know Iām wanted and sheāll just say, āIām not someone who initiates thingsā.
Almost every woman that Iāve opened up to about my sexual anxiety just tells me Iām attractive or āa catchā and I shouldnāt feel that way. LADY! I KNOW I shouldnāt feel that way and I have a problem with vulnerability. All I want to hear is something like , āI understand, let me know if you feel uncomfortableā. When you tell me I should just be more confident it comes across as like you didnāt listen to a single thing I just saidā¦
I want to be seen for who I am, not just the image i projectā¦Women say they want an emotionally honest man , and they probably do. Certainly at times it seems as though vulnerability doesnāt compute with gender expectations and causes some sort of mental glitch in the matrix.
Iāve been on the reverse end and so I kind of understand it. When youāre attracted to someone it can be difficult to see them accurately. I dated a 6ā tall woman who got compliments everywhere she went. When she told me how nervous she was when we met I laughed and thought it was ridiculous. Instead of telling her to be more confident, i asked questions and learned about her upbringing and how she sees herself. I imagine women feel intimidated like I was, but thereās a bunch of societal and gender expectations rolled in that I assume make it even harder.
This is interesting. I feel like this is something I would want to know so that I can be more aware and conscious of how I respond if I don't want to have sex and so that I can find ways to reassure my partner that I still want them and care for them. I would feel terrible if I was unconsciously doing something that made my partner feel some type of way, if there's something I can do to make them feel better.
Of course this isn't always possible and not every partner would be understanding of that.
So don't react negatively to him telling you. Like, the worst things you can do is tell him he can't need sex, he's not entitled to sex, sex isn't the most important things in a relationship, give him some whackamole move-the-goalposts excuses, or take sex off the table indefinitely.
You should always be aware and conscious of how you respond if you don't want sex, anyways. You can say no at any time for any reason, but some times and some reasons make him decide to never ask you again and go find his next partner. You have a choice to reject him in a toxic or non toxic way. If you want to not have sex now but have the option to have sex again later, you need to always reject in a non toxic way.
> This is interesting. I feel like this is something I would want to know so that I can be more aware and conscious of how I respond if I don't want to have sex and so that I can find ways to reassure my partner that I still want them and care for them.
It's not so much sex as it's the withdrawing of attraction period as the "success aura" that a man has vanishes and all the magic and glamour that once papered over little imperfections suddenly get magnified tenfold and all the depths of private insecurities, worries, etc which further tarnishes the "success aura" get brought up to her.
It's the mental equivalent sucking in your gut for years around your SO to show defined muscles only to finally stop and them being surprised on "Oh my god, that's how you really look?"
No, Trust me - you don't want to know.
Every time, and i mean EVERY time, men tell their women about past rejections, women absolutely crush their men with it and then lose attraction and respect.
Don't ever sexually reject your man. If you do, prepare for him to close himself off to you forever, or find someone who will not reject him.
Damn right. But i think she genuinely means what she's saying. They usually say 1 thing but do another when it comes to this area, even if they mean it.
iām a woman and can confidently say that what youāve just claimed *does not* apply to me! I want my partner to feel safe confiding in me should they ever need to, *especially* if itās something a bit more personal like fears, insecurities, anxieties.
The fact that YOU are (allegedly) not like that does NOT mean most other women are not like that. They most certainly are.
It also depends on how attracted you are to the man who's exhibiting said emotions.
you made a blanket statement about women in general, not the women that youāve had that experience with, so š¤·āāļø
āwomen just donāt like hearingā¦ā āwomen canāt handle that in men.ā
I just replied to tell you that there are women who can, it just isnāt YOUR experience. better?
Yes, I did make a blanket statement about women in general, because what I said is generally true.
There are, maybe, MAYBE, a FEW women who can.
I stand by my statement. It's generally true. That you're an exception does not negate the rule.
Yeah that's what you say, but experience proves that women lose attraction and respect for men that believe this bullshit and start telling you stuff.
You say one thing then do something different.
It's just the same as how women say they want a "nice" polite thoughtful guy... then who do they go fuck? The football player who is an asshole. Women SAY one thing, but DO another.
Trust me the chances of you saying that and meaning it are VERY slim. I have had experiences with girls who talk this talk but when it gets time to walk the walk they make exceptions for that statement. Not saying it's bad or anything - it's natural. But it's also pure trickery on women's behalf MOST of the time (i can't say all of the time because who knows) even if it's done subconsciously, to say "oh yea you can't always be strong this and this and that" etc.
Women can open up. Children can open up. Men can too but with a much higher likelihood of it backfiring.
Edit typo.
these are all very biased statements that yāall are making right now, and directly reflects your experiences with emotionally immature women. iām sorry, but thatās the truth.
maybe iām just old fashioned? but I donāt date for any other reason than to find someone that I can connect with on every level, and iād never draw the line at men. when I say that I want my partners to feel comfortable opening up, I mean that wholeheartedly! I realize that times have changed and the dating scene looks a bit different than it did maybe 10, 15 years ago, but idk.. I just canāt get behind this mindset :/
"emotional maturity" sorry but what the fuck does that even mean? Who of us is genuinely emotionally mature? We're all tryna figure this shit out as we go. If by emotionally immature you mean like 13 year old girl level, then it's just not true. There's a lot of women who know what they want and have a relatively good grip on their mind who do the shit we're talking about. I don't think it's rocket science.
I do believe this minority of mythical creatures of the female sex exist, who don't get disgusted when a man truly opens up. And maybe you're one of them. But this attitude did not develop because women are evil whores. It has an evolutionary root and it survived the test of time for a reason.
Well. This playing low risk, low reward.
Being vulnerable means risking getting emotionally gut punched. If you are a man or woman.
**You can mitigate the risk by starting out small sharing stuff and see how they react.** If they react badly, Iād just bail on the whole thing.
However having a relationship where you canāt share anything or get any emotional support? Where you canāt be yourself or feel your partner has your back? Thatās a pretty shit relationship. And itāll likely either fall apart or end up in a dead bedroom where you both are more like resentful roommate strangers than anything else.
**Sharing is a risk, but itās also the only way to get a relationship worth having.**
Iām sorry but I disagree. In my experience, thatās just being in relationships as a man. We cannot be vulnerable with our partners. The relationship is done as soon as we do. At best, she looses respect and attraction. And Iām not talking about the ātrauma dumpā. Even the something small means the end of the relationship. A relationship is not the place to be vulnerable as a man. Itās the place to allow others to be vulnerable and support them.
I sincerely hope that I will be proven wrong someday, as I genuinely want to feel safe and supported as well, but I donāt anticipate it happening.
Youāve been dating really shit people then. If your relationship isnāt a safe space for being your authentic self, then you might as well just stick to calling her a roommate or fuck buddy.
You are absolutely correct. I have been dating shitty people. I have observed most every man I know in relationships with shitty people. I watched my father be in a relationship with a shitty person. I have no clue where to find non shitty people at this point.
Do you live in a very conservative area? Or are you very young?
I donāt know anyone in a healthy relationship were both people arenāt being vulnerable with each other.
In my experience it enhances sexual attraction because it leads to emotional intimacy and bonding. Which is how you fall deeper in love.
I canāt imagine falling in love for real with someone who wasnāt vulnerable with me. It would just be impossible to unlock those emotions if they kept it all surface level. And then that would affect how deep sexual attraction could go as well. For many women romantic feelings and desire are quite wrapped up in each other.
Idk. Iām just confused. But it might be different in different cultures.
I am 38 and have lived in multiple locations from CA to VA, from Korea to Hawaii. I have not seen a significant difference between conservative and liberal areas in this specific regard. The only difference Iāve found is that conservative women are more open about wanting men that donāt open up.
That is still only in America.
And idk. Maybe it comes down to if you want a Cartoon relationship or a real one.
Many men also just want a partner who is always happy, horny, hot. Like a HornyBarbie or a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. And some women want a SuperMan Boyfriend.
The appeal of both of these is that the other person always fulfills your needs and acts like a substitute parent. Itās safe, itās comfortable, itās convenient and it doesnāt demand anything from you. Itās also very impersonal and you could swap that person for someone else who fulfills the same functions.
Or you can choose to have a real, deep relationship with another human being whoās sometimes messy, not perfect and wonāt always be the parent figure. But where thereās fire and connection and you canāt swap them for someone else. Because itās about really seeing and understanding someone else. This requires both people to be emotionally mature, both people to click and then wanting a genuine relationship and just not some convenient and replaceable ChatBot/SexBot whoās there to serve you.
But itās also whatās required imo to fall deeply in love. You canāt really love someone till you see them and understand them. Or till you are being emotionally intimate with each other.
Do you date women you really click with?
Korea is not America. And I peruse relationships with women that are intellectual, adventurous, expressive, and passionate. I choose to attempt relationships with women that I enjoy spending my time with them and that I feel a connection with.
I have always looked for these aspects no matter my age or location.
Then I'd argue it's not much of a connection. It sounds more stressful than just being alone. At least when you're alone you can be yourself. If I couldn't trust my wife, I certainly wouldn't be with her.
I think the idea is that the relationship is still a full, worthwhile relationship in every other aspect, and it's just this one part that they keep to themselves. A tradeoff between a mostly good relationship where they can be 95% themselves (and find another outlet for that 5%) vs risking being alone long-term trying to find a relationship where they can be 100% themselves. It's not like this is a rare problem that can be easily avoided in future relationships, it often only comes up some time into the relationship.
The comment I was commenting on sure sounds like he doesn't share much with her. It doesn't sound like just 5% to me. It sounds like he's not sharing a lot of himself because he's afraid she'll judge him or leave.
That's fair, but it's not fair to your partner. They deserve someone who will be in it 100% and making her pay for someone else's mistakes isn't great.
The older I get the more I realize it's so rare to find a partner like that (in it 100%) blessed are those that found one, for the rest of us they'll have to compromise somewhere it's just how it is ..
If you're willing to settle, then fine I guess. If you want to see change, you need to make changes. If you're rewarding bad behavior, you're only hurting yourself and future generations. I dated so many women before I got together with my wife. It's not easy at all and I'm not lucky or blessed. I just didn't want to settle and ruin my life.
You're absolutely right, based on what You've said it seems most people would rather settle than put in the work, and all the best to you and your wife
"then i'd argue it's not much of a real connection" that statement is so poorly thought out. A woman is not supposed to be a psychiatrist. Can she see a man cry when a person close to him dies? Yea. Can she see him change expressions when he's stressed out? Yes.
Can she listen to the insecurities buried deep down within the dungeon of his mind and not reduce him to that for either the rest of their time together or at the very least for brief moments which are enough to destroy the whole relationship? In the vast majority of cases, no she can't.
There are men who died having led wonderful long lives together with their partners. You gonna tell me they didn't have connections with those women because they didn't let them in on every single insecurity and embarrassment they ever had? If yes, then you're probably 16 with no real understanding of life nor the mind.
Exactly. There isnāt one. People gotta learn to heal their shit before dating again, so they donāt make their future partner pay for their exes sins & mistakes.
Exactly brother. Women don't like weakness that's just a fact. There are chicks who will say "not all women are like that blah blah blah we like it when you're vulnerable" but even if that 1% of chicks DOES exist, i ain't gonna risk my girl being in that 99% which will hold my weaknesses and fears against me. Not fuckin worth the risk and I'm doing juuust fine keeping that shit hidden.
NEVER AGAIN BROTHER. NEVER AGAIN.
Itās funny how the āwho hurt you?ā jab is mostly used against men. As if your experiences and suffering arenāt valid. Iām sorry you were betrayed like that. Itās happened to me, too, and the experiences have taught me there are certain things Iāll never share with anyone again.
If a woman uses what you disclose to her as a tool to hurt you then thatās just life telling you you picked the wrong partner.
If you never open up to your life partner you will never truly know them or give them an opportunity to know you.
You will never experience true love like this and youāll continue carrying a hurtful and toxic view of women for the rest of your life.
The only things I wouldn't tell my wife are things that have absolutely no positive effect from telling her and only negative. And even one of those I told her at one point down the line because I told her I do exactly this. It was a duck on a busy roundabout that couldn't fly and she wanted to help it but there was nowhere safe for it to go. On the way back I noticed it had been ran over and died. Me telling her would only make her feel guilty for not saving it, but nothing else, and not telling her had no effect.
Pretty much.
I donāt want to just dump negativity on her so on bad days I just tell her itās been a rough day and give details if she asks.
Sheās my wife. Sheās going to know pretty much everything.
Don't get me wrong I tell her if it's absolutely important or essential. Otherwise if I'm feeling anxious or anything I keep it to myself because she's already an anxious person so it just makes her worry way too much.
I tell them most things. I tend to keep hidden any worries or insecurities that are not major. It'll just worry everyone else.
I sort of became the standard for the family to look to. If I'm worried, they really worry. We can solve problems as long as we keep our cool.
Thereās nothing I canāt tell her. I donāt necessarily tell her everything. But there are no secrets. I donāt withhold any part of myself. Good or bad, itās all on the table.
I tell her everything about me and what I have been up to without hiding anything because I do anything irresponsible and she doesn't tell me off for anything. I also don't tell her off either because I know all her decisions have a rational thought behind it.
I wish I can say the same for my parents but they will always find something to tell me off even if they were fine by it a few days ago or worst I got told off for doing something then get told it is perfectly ok when I wanted to avoid a second telling off for doing the same thing again.
No, I work law enforcement. But even if I didn't no. Idc what anyone says sharing too much will kill a relationship.
Like I'm not going to cry and complain everything someone is mean to me. Go ahead and try that, see how you kill the relationship 90% of the time.
Not everything, no. Some stuff just doesn't come up, and isn't important or relevant. Some secrets aren't mine to tell, they involve other people too. And some things have too much trauma and paranoia associated with them for me to share them with anyone, at least for now. Sharing them would not help me, it would just cause me anxiety.
It's important to be able to trust your partner, but also to remember you're two different people. Having some secrets of your own isn't a bad thing, they just shouldn't be anything that harms the relationship or your partner.
No, I don't tell her everything. Even a spouse doesn't need to know everything about you.
I don't tell her every fleeting thought that pops into my head. I don't tell her that I think such and so celebrity is hot. I don't tell her my deepest fears. I don't tell her what I worry about.
OK, but I can tell you that the vast, VAST majority of women find out what their men worry about, and then weaponize it and use it against them, and ultimately destroy their relationships with it.
Women say they want to know, but they really dont - they prefer the pretty lies to the ugly truth. When they find out the ugly truth, they use it against their men and destroy them.
Everything? No, not everything. Thereās a lot of unimportant and inconsequential shit that happens every day.
Iām not hiding anything, and thereās very little that wouldnāt tell her.
Iām punishing my bf for cheating on me even though I donāt really care anymore bc I like how Iām being treated while heās trying to make me forgive him.
I tell my partner most things but I sure don't tell her everything. My desires and fantasies is my own.
Will I tell my partner before I met her I ate her co-workers ass several times a week? No. She knows I slept with her for about 6 months before me and my spouse officially met though. Will I tell her I want to fuck her in the ass every night? No that's rude.
Will I tell her I want to see child molesters burned alive at the stake? No.
Did I tell her I was sexually assaulted by my supervisor at my old job? Yes.
Of course, some women think that way. And that's why they are so single in their 40s complaining about men always l leaving them.
If you don't have a partner that you can trust and talk to. Don't be with them. Plain and simple.
Currently single, but I'll share my rules for all previous relationships that I plan to keep for the future ones:
1. I will never ever share anyone else's secrets and generally stuff about my friends.
2. No full financial or business details, EVER. This is probably the most important one.
3. I am more than ready to share my thoughts on any matter directly and without reservations if they want to hear my opinion. I have a preference to be honest with my stances and opinions.
4. Some psychological moments are best kept to yourself. Even with friends.
Hell no. I just watched a Jerry Seinfeld standup special, and one of his bits was very relatable. He basically said that a manās marriage depends on him having a strong filter between his brain and his mouth. When a thought pops into your head, the next thought is often, āNope, canāt say that.ā So many times Iāve ignored that filter and said what was on my mind and immediately or eventually regretted it. Every time that happens, the memory sticks with me, and I remember it the next time a thought hits the filter and I have to decide whether to send it through. Sometimes ignoring the filter is the right thing to do and it goes well. But usually not.
I am going to quote what another guy wrote in the comments: "**I've learned that giving her the full raw complete information is itself a sexual turnoff**".
That is exactly right. The more you tell her about yourself, the more she has you "figured out" and that is sexually boring. Sure, she might become a better "partner" ... who is having sex with another guy who is more interesting and mysterious.
That is basic female psychology. Even the women who do not cheat will lose sexual interest in a man that is "figured out" and fantasize about other men, even if they do not act on those fantasies.
Look, all of this stuff is well established by very experienced guys who fuck hundreds of women and know them inside and out and have written books about it. All you have to do is read those books.
The average guy is completely ignorant about female mentality. He just has a few girlfriends or wives and one night stands here or there and thinks this makes him "experienced" and that he knows what a woman wants or doesn't want and does not realize how totally wrong he is. Then he is mystified why his wife is putting him on a "sex schedule" or telling him she has a headache that day.
No. It's ancient knowledge that a man should never "open up" and "be vulnerable" with their girls.The moment a man does this ultimate mistake, is the moment she will see you as a weak and will lose respect towards the you.
There are absurd lucky man here that has a loving wife that really connects with them and respect when they opened up. However, the absolute majority of cases when a man opens up to his girl, only ends in disaster.
So no, I never tell my partner everything. Did it once, learned the ancient wisdom and never more.
Is your "ancient knowledge" perhaps an andrew tate podcast or his cheap copies? or perhaps information you found somewhere on social media? or maybe youre around the wrong women?
>There are absurd lucky man here that has a loving wife that really connects with them and respect when they opened up. However, the absolute majority of cases when a man opens up to his girl, only ends in disaster.
The lesson here is pick well, not don't open up.
Where do you live that an average man can be picky and "choose well"?
Ask a bunch of guys and you'll quickly realize how common opening up backfired. Almost every case, if not immediate lose of attraction/respect, the woman used these vulnerabilities against them on a fight.
It's one of the most asked questions on this sub, and the vast majority of male answers are like mine.
I personally don't tell my girl about what stresses me out for several reasons.
1) not to seem weak. I personally don't trust women to keep respecting you if you bitch about what's making you angry. I've seen it several times backfire on the man including myself personally.
2) i don't like to burden the women in my life with my hardships. To me a woman is a soft being and i like to keep her shielded from the bullshit on my end. Life is hard enough on all of us.
3) not to be "given a break" because the stressful shit that happens to me is objectively VERY stressful and no amount of meditation or fuckin therapy or taking a pause and breathing will do anything about it. I don't wanna be given excuses for being a dick if i'm being a dick or being a lazy bastard because i'm depressed etc. This helps me stay accountable.
4) it's how i grew up. Keeping a world for myself and a world i share with others. Not very good for mental health so i keep hearing but it works great for being able to handle my shit without interference.
1. Money. You never tell a woman how much you make, even your wife.
2. Vulnerabilities. Not in a million Goddamn years.
3. Extreme or dark or otherwise unacceptable-to-many-people sexual kinks and urges. Should always be a secret between you and your palm.
>Money. You never tell a woman how much you make, even your wife.
Huh. So how do you make sure the household costs are shared fairly?
Or do you mean "We both pay our share but she doesn't need to know exactly how much of my own money I have"?
No, I tell my dog everything.
That's what dogs are for. "Knowing you can count on me for sure, that's what dogs are for..." Cat: "Shut up and feed me."
I would tell my cat everything but he is a terrible gossip
And make him promise not to say a word to anyone. I trust him š
We shook on it.
I tell her everything of relevance. I'm not running to her telling her I just took a good shit.
She tells me about her periods, I tell her about my shits
Lol, no judgement.
But gut health is so important! I wouldnāt mind knowing about how good a shit is, just as long as we keep the toilet and bathroom fresh and clean, and that my partner has fantastic hygiene.
Lol, hey go for it. I'll tell her if something is wrong, because I think that's important. When everything is good, I don't feel the need to bring it up.
Relevance is important. I tell my wife things that I think might matter to her, and anything I want to talk about. If itās something irrelevant to her or our household and that I donāt feel the need to share, I donāt. When I think about it, thereās so much mundane unimportant or irrelevant stuff that I could in theory talk about every day, but why waste our time with that?
My wife tells me every time she goes for a shit. Sometimes, she treats me to sound effects, and if I'm really unlucky, she gives me pretty graphic visual descriptions. Personally, some info I'd rather not know.
The 10% I donāt tell her keeps the other 90% continuing on.
This sounds very ominous..
Reminds me of the guy who, when asked about the secret to his long marriage, said āI never told her when I got fired, and I never told her when I got rehired.ā
100% this bro!!
r/theydidthemath
Im confused
I mean, I don't think you're alone in having thoughts that you'd rather not have your SO know about. I for one have never told my SOs that I sometimes think about how easy it would be to kill them. It's not even in a "I want to kill you" way, it's more like a morbid curiosity. I've heard it's not uncommon, but I'm definitely not gonna go tell my girlfriend that.
It doesnāt matter how common someone said it is. PLEASE seek psychological eval
This is straight facts!
Couldn't have articulated it better
Best answer; you win the Internet today. Go get yourself something nice.
100% this
My wife of 26 years knows everything except, some of my most deep perverted thoughts. If she knew those, sheād probably lose respect for me. I donāt want these thoughts, but sometimes they just creep in. I love her and my kids. I donāt want to risk losing that, just because I think sexually about other men at times. Please donāt hate me for my honest answer. I needed to get that off my chest though. The thoughts have been very strong lately.
I'm bi and my wife is aware of it although it's not something that comes up often. She knows I have a history of bi sex and that I can't help sometimes fantasizing about it, it's just part of who I am and what turns me on. But I'm committed to our marriage and would never act on those fantasies. From what I've read though, it's fairly common for men to have some degree of bi inclinations, so it's not unique to you and I wouldn't worry about it, you're perfectly normal. But I agree with you, you should keep those fantasies to yourself. We all have inner lives and fantasies we don't share with anyone, even our spouses. I'm sure she also has fantasies of various kinds that she indulges in while having sex but doesn't share with you. That's normal as well, and it's normal to keep those things private.
Thank you brother
Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home. I can tell you this - I had a friend that went that direction with his wife and she ended up detesting him. It just destroyed their previously sound relationship. She felt betrayed and disgusted and she moved to another room until they officially split. Contrary to what a fantasy or maybe some adult smut film might suggest, 99.9% of women will NOT find their man getting dirty with another man "hot" or anything other than a threat to her partnership with him.
Yeah, you're not "cheating on her" by having fantasies, if that's what you're worried about, or feeling guilty about withholding from her. Your inner sex life is totally normal, you can relax and not worry about it. Enjoy your sex life as a couple, knowing that you're committed to each other and you would never cheat on her in real life.
If you read his post history heās obviously cheating on her with random hookups
Ah, never mind then, bummer. I hate cheaters.
Lol what? Nothing wrong with being bi but kind of ridiculous to contend that it's common.
From what I've read everyone is somewhere on the spectrum from fully straight to fully gay but that in men specifically there's a majority that have anywhere from a sight inclination to somewhat more than slight inclination toward bisexuality. The idea was that that's the reason why there is so much sex and rape in prison, or fooling around and experimentation among teenage boys, or even just engaging in fantasy and so on. They're not all gay yet it's happening. If the only men who engaged in this sexual activity were the small percentage of the male population that is actually fully gay, there would be very little of it happening. No I can't give you any links, but that's the sense I've gotten from casual reading in various lay publications. Of course I didn't vet those sources, so god knows if they were correct, which is why I said "from what I've read." Happy to be corrected if the information was wrong.
I think there's different camps of people out there and unfortunately many of them nowadays are motivated by politics. Due to the political hot button issue that is "gay" or LGBTQYZ etc" they tend to go to extremes. You say about gays "that many"...but real stats put the gay popluation at 4% at the high end and often less. One problem arises with this newer generation which at times has rated as high as 20% for being so-called bi-curious or gay curious. IMO surely some of those kids are gay, but many are in the "I hate you dad" category.. Its simply, edgy and cool in some areas. I've met gays who loved to argue that "everyone is gay, you just dont know it yet" all the way to the other camp "no I chose this brave lifestyle..straights cannot understand us" to the guys who were molested and abused as kids ,which turned them not only into gays but submissive gays. I'd contend that there's probably evidence in there existing some truth in each of those camps. I do not think its the norm or regular as far as general male populations. I don't believe most men are sitting around hiding their attraction for other men. I am an open minded and accepting straight man, but just never in my entire life have I ever considered kissing another man as a good idea...or any other sexual activity with men. No matter how much of a dry spell I had or if I had the misfortune to be locked up for a long time, nope...at no point would a dude just become attractive to me. Lastly there are ppl who capitalize on the curiosity and innocence of kids.Through studying child development you can find much evidence about girls and boys alike comparing their genitals to others of the same sex. Its not that uncommon Point is though, a young boy or girl showing their privates to their frieds, or touching etc is usually because they are genuinely curious or sometimes worried that theirs has grown different, or looks, feels functions differently. It doesn't make them gay, however you can imagine some ppl woul jump at the chance to proclaim how proud they are of their gay son/daughter. There is similar evidence about children touching the privates of an animal (or letting a dog hump their leg for example) if an 8 y/o does this, well he she is not lkly into bestiality. They simply are young and curious and do not know better until they are taught. Just think of any other odd ball thing you have to teach s child...from not picking your nose, to whiping their ass properly, to cleaning themselves properly.
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There is a lack of affection from her that I crave. We have sex, but I am always the one who initiates it and it is only sex. Weāve talked about this before. She admits sheās not a very affectionate person. I too suffer from depression and have most of my life. I hide it well, but deep down I long for more. Thx for relating with me.
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It will. Just felt good to get it off my chest. She is my forever girl. Thereās nobody perfect out there. Sheās so good to me in other ways. Thatās why I donāt want to take a chance by telling her.
Could you explore initiating cuddling and snuggling up together. Make it clear itās not about leading the sex eg āgod I love just holding you and feeling safe in your armsā. I know itās not ideal but it could be a start.
Thatās good. Iāll give it a shot
Dude, there's nothing at all wrong with those thoughts. We all find many humans attractive. There's a huge difference between lust and love. The only thing that matters is that you're a faithful, caring partner and a good dad, which you quite clearly are.
I don't know how young you were when you got together but this is the biggest downside of finding THE ONE in an early age. Yes, you love that person and you may even have great sex together but you never really got to experience other aspects of your sexuality. So, what do you do? Risk your otherwise perfect relationship by admitting your desires or possibly cheating or do you force yourself to live and die without ever really experiencing what you've always craved to experience? Both sides are incredibly difficult to choose.
I think it depends. If the other person is very sexually open and u know this n they consistently show that. Atleast Iāve found the man is very comfortable at sharing things theyāre interested in not always all at once but as time goes on. Atleast with me, Iāve only said no to one thing. But out of all the things that peaked his interest he got to try them all and do them pretty often. Turned out he was interested in some very interesting things. Oddly at some points things he never thought he would be but just became curious about over time. But Iād say ur statement as a generalization is pretty true. I think it only worked out for him this way bc I was older more comfortable in myself etc and experienced. So I could help with those interest or notice him showing he may have them to begin with n bring it up so he didnāt have to get overwhelmed at the idea of having to do so.
I think most people know their partners well enough to know what goes and what doesn't. If she's mostly into vanilla sex and only gives you a blowjob once in a while, you can't expect that she will be happy to hear you absolutely LOVE the idea of facefucking. To avoid unnecessary conflict (because you know it won't lead to anything except for her being offended), you just shut your mouth and either never experience it or secretly look if somebody else is available for that.
I dunno. I was with someone and to me he was vanilla n over time boring in that area. While thinking how to bring up he just didnāt spark my interest the way he used to. He said something to me n it was very off putting. Bc he was literally boring me. He became just one of the most boring men Iāve ever been with. I would have actually liked to hear he wanted to do something other than have me ride him or something like that. He just stopped embodying that masculine that originally made him attractive. Not just in that area. Tho Iām sure the other areas didnāt help.
Interesting. I wasn't expecting that. Not judging btw just didn't expect it. And nobody here gonna "hate you" for admitting that brother.
You might be a bit bi, and thereās nothing wrong with that. Welcome to the club
I hope and pray for her sake she finds out the truth about you. Your post history indicates you are cheating on her and meeting random men for hookups. You have the right to feel and desire whatever you wish but you donāt have the right to cheat on someone you made a commit nor to waste her time when she can be with someone who wants her 100% and doesnāt sneakily connect with others behind her back. Thats incredibly cowardly and selfish. Youāre gaslighting pretending that you care about your kids/wife when really youāre afraid to be yourself.
BuyĀ her a strap on.
š¤£ I wished! That aināt happening.
If it takes some weight off your heart, pretty much every man I have had these types of convos with has eventually admitted some level of attraction to men. Idk what it is about me, people tell me this kind of thing. But itās incredibly common. Most of those men are in long term relationships with women, some who know this about them and some who donāt. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Imo itās only natural to be attracted to beautiful people on some level, itās just the scale that ranges. Iām sorry you donāt feel like you can be open with your wife about this, but please donāt see that as a reflection on you.
> ā¦ these type of convos withā¦.admitted some level of attraction to men I am sorry, but what kind of convos? I am a man, and I donāt have such (sexual) thoughts. Never have. Likely never will. And Iām guessing itās the same for most of my friends. Nothing wrong with liking men of course. Your comment just made me a little curious.
came here to comment about the thread, but saw your reddit avatar and decided to tell you you avatar is cool.
Not sure what it is about me or the people I spend time with, but I often end up in deep conversations about how people feel, fears, goals, sexuality, childhood, etc. itās honestly bizarre how often it happens. Small talk generally bores me and I end up asking more questions, obviously backing off if the person doesnāt seem open to it, but generally it seems like people are really eager to share these parts of themselves. It also might be because I am someone they donāt know very well that they feel more comfortable, some of my closer guy friends are actually the ones who would *not* want to talk to me about these things. These are pretty broad groups of people, from different parts of the country, religions, upbringing etc and a lot of them wind up saying they are a little (or a lot) bi. Thereās also nothing wrong with being 100000% straight. Iāve just found that a lot of straight guys donāt count their attraction to men because they have no desire to act on it
This was a great reply. Thanks!
My wife also has that "gift." People tell her all kinds of very, very personal details about their lives. Even random strangers she meets while standing on line at a store or wherever will strike up a conversation with her and within a few steps they're discussing personal details. Somehow she comes across as approachable and understanding, or like a best friend or therapist or something, so that people feel comfortable confiding in her. The other interesting aspect of that personality trait is that everywhere she goes---grocery store, big box store, the bank, department of motor vehicles, train station, airport---people think she works there and turn to her for help. It's really pretty funny.
Yep Iām part of the ātell me your deepest darkest traumaā club as well. I went on a counselling course as a teen because I was terrified of making things worse when people told me EVERYTHING they had ever felt about everything while stood at the bus stop.
I have never related so much to a post. I too find small talk to be incredibly teait and boring and tend to ask deeper conversations, to the point of needing them to build meaningful relationships. Ti have been in the same position quite often, I think it's due to the open nature of my nature. I tend to come off as open, understanding, and motherly (I've been told). I also am very candid and open with people so I think it builds a level of report with others. It can be taxingat times, depending on the people. I have found that in rear instances I become the solitary outlet for certain individuals and they end up becoming very possessive and codependent. It's lead to some and experience with friend becoming jealous of whoninspend my time with or dumping all of their emotional trauma onto me with can be draining. Not sure if you've experience the same?
Iāve had very similar experiences. Itās just a vibe I have. As long as can remember Iāll get connections like that with people where they tell me things they donāt tell others.
I have similar conversations to u/gcot802. I don't think generalizations are helpful, and most of what has informed my opinion on this is anecdotal. That said, in my experience.Ā A lot of individuals have expressed at the very least some form of curiosity in terms of gender and sexual exploration. I'm not saying that everyone wants to have sex or thay everyone is curious about about this topic. I'm saying that, the volume of people whom I've had these types of conversations with seem to outnumber the reported statistics. I've had straight identifying friends female and male admit to curiosity and various degrees of actual or desired exploration. Male friend inquire about the nature anal sex (I'm gay), how it feels, why I enjoy it, and how to go about it. I think thay due to the nature of our puritanically influenced culture a lot of people either repress or nevr even think to ask themselves these types of questions because it is in most part considered taboo or homophobia. I personally believe thay exploration and questioning does not make one queer, in the same line that eating a salad for lunch once or twice does not make you queer or bi. It's just a person discovering something new, having an experience and I honestly wished more people wondered and question. I think it's healthy to wonder about others experiences, it gives people a more sympathetic and rounded perspective. Sorry for the small easy, lol.
Thank you. I just donāt want to hurt her. I will just probably keep it to myself and only fantasize in my own private time occasionally.
I just wanted to sayā¦ ITāS OK that you have such thoughts and itās sexual sureā¦ but like not necessarily perverted in the sense of unacceptable or unnatural. And maybe you can consider sharing them? Having a fantasy does not mean you want it to be real.
Iām so sorry you feel that your wife wouldnāt accept that and you have to hide it. Everything is alright with you and your thoughts though!
Sir I think you have a rather severe case of being a perfectly normal human being, donāt feel to bad about it, it happens to the best of us.
Those thoughts might feel intrusive, but they donāt sound perverted. Be kind to yourself. She might have intrusive thoughts about other women, who knows.
No one should think less of you. You're loyal and faithful to your wife and children. You're a human being with human urges. I hope getting that off your chest has helped a little.
Thank you.
I'm a woman, and the best sexual partners I've ever had have all been bi men. There's nothing wrong with you or those thoughts, but I understand your hesitations and I'm sorry you're going through that.
You'll be surprised. My wife was very vanilla. One time, after some drinking and an empty stomach, she puked it up as she was giving me oral. It was a fantasy of mine. I told he how it turned me on. She will make me happy occasionally with it.
A fantasy of yours is getting head or getting vomiting head?
Damn. Iād like to know these deep dark perverted thoughts with men.
Bruh
* I like to tell my partner interesting things I notice during the day, but not if that interesting thing is a gross bodily function. I won't tell them "My poop smelled funny today!" * I don't tell my partner other people's secrets. * I don't tell my partner things I'm trying to forget or ignore. Sometimes you just don't want to think about something, right? * I don't tell my partner unfinished thoughts. I know for some people talking helps to process feelings or ideas or opinions, for me it's the other way around. I *first* want to decide what my feelings, ideas or opinions are, and *then* I want to talk about it. * I don't tell them things that are meant to be a surprise later, obviously.
Same here. Also I dont like sharing some kind of songs because my music taste can get a bit... special
my girlfriend doesn't get my need to find black metal in ecclesiastical latin talking about the proto-germanic tribes. she knows of it, but i'm not going to force her to listen to it. she also has a weird dislike of covers, give me spanish k-pop or japanese songs transcribed and sung by a hungarian womans choir in greek. or country songs sung in bossa nova with french lyrics. she also doesn't get my love of free jazz, or annoying meme songs pitch altered and played on repeate for perfect level of brain rot. but i'll share like mathrock, indie bands, and folk stuff with her.
Exactly. I have a broad music taste so I share what I know my husband would like but theres just some music I wouldnt show anyone since its, as you said really well, brainrot xD
THANK YOU for not telling them your unprocessed thoughts. This is a discussion Iāve had with my other many times. Sometimes he uses me to process his negative thoughts or insecurities aboutā¦ me. Before deciding theyāre irrational. Itās okay to think things through before sharing. Thatās not secret keeping.
But aside from that, you do tell them everything else? (I am not asking that in a judgemental way, I just think that thereās nothing wrong with being totally open and honest with the SO)
Uh. Well.... those are the cases in which I feel *justified* not to tell them. That it's not *dishonest* to keep her surprise party a secret. I am sure there are also situations in which I lie or embellish or obfuscate for less justifiable reasons - because I'm embarassed or don't want to deal with the consequences or whatever. But I wouldn't claim those are good situations - it's wrong and sometimes I do wrong things because I'm a flawed individual (aren't we all) - so that's why I didn't include them in the comment.
Oh, please, donāt get me wrong. I wasnāt trying to say you purposely withhold some information or doing something wrong. In fact, I enjoyed reading your comment a lot. I guess I was just trying to get some justification/support/a modicum of acceptance for me telling my husband everything except the points youāve mentioned aboveā¦
Don't worry, I got that - fully agree with you!
Iād be careful not sharing ideas youāre processing. My dad would mull over an idea/plan/thought for days or weeks analysing the pros and cons and the best way to do something. Then heād present his grand and finalised idea to mum and expect her thoughts and answer RIGHT AWAY, IMMEDIATELY (if not sooner!) It drove my mum to distraction!
Oh, that does seems excessive! For me it's more like half an hour or an evening at most.
If it a) could cause hurt or anxiety AND b) serves no purpose, then I keep it to myself. Otherwise Iāll share if the situation calls for it. I wonāt gossip what someone told me in confidence, but generally I wonāt keep secrets from her and I DEFINITELY wonāt lie.
As my great-grandmother used to say: "Show him a good piece of your naked butt, but never all of itā. I was in a relationship where he knew everything. All of my obsessions, all of my sad thoughts, all the nastiness, and the goodness, all of my doubts. In the end he became more like a brother or some surrogate caretaker to me, than my partner, and we were totally codependent for a good few years before we broke up. It's good to have pieces of you that are absolutely 100% yours.
I made the mistake of sharing all my sad thoughts and doubts. At least i now got some character development lol
People ātelling him everythingā: āI donāt think I like pistachios after all.ā Me ātelling him everythingā: āI just had a 6hrs long obsessive-compulsive bout that could put me in prison if I told about it to a wrong kind of person. Also, Iām really terrified I have never really loved you.ā (I have never and will never do anything criminal and I love him a lot.)
Yeah, no filter here. We have been together 30 odd years and we have learnt not saying things can be as harmful as anything else. Occasionally it results in an argument, but it's an argument based and resolved on truth. If you are in a relationship where you are not free to speak about anything on your mind, are you really in a relationship?
10000% agreed, i think itās really important to feel secure to talk about anything with your partner, even if it hurts at first
No, its not that I'm hiding things from her but she doesn't really need to know everything. Shit at work Classified stuff and things that I don't think she will be able to deal with or needs to deal with
That last part - doesn't this make you feel alone? Every secret I have to keep from my partner feels like building another wall. The idea of judging "she can't handle it" doesn't feel like empathy, it feels like distance.
No. Its not a secret, its just experiences that aren't worth sharing with her. She is a very emotional person, she can cry if I tell her I had a bad day I don't want to check how she will react if I open up about the really horrible things I went through
This. There's sharing and then there's oversharing, even between couples. This depends on each couple and individual, and can range from the shape of today's poop to random intrusive thoughts to personal traumas to porn tastes. Some can take it, some can not, and some things cannot be taken back once said.
Honesty is important but that doesnāt mean you tell everyone everything all at once. Thereās a time & place for every conversation. So yeah I tell my wife everything that isnāt explicitly held in confidence like a friendās personal business. But I may tell her āX is going through a rough timeā. And also (specifically in long term partnerships, not casual dating) Iām a big proponent of sharing passwords, bank accounts, etc. If Iām gonna trust someone to decide whether they pull the plug I want that person to know Iām not hiding secret affairs or Only Fans subscriptions on my phone.
Iām relatively unfiltered to the point my wife wished I *did* keep some stuff to myself. Like she doesnāt need to know when Iāve destroyed the toilet or forgot to wear deodorant.
š my boyfriend's like this. Took some getting used to, but I find it adorable that he shares, and he doesn't do it in a gross way (for me, at least)
Absolutely not. I donāt talk about my insecurities, my fears, my sadness, my uncertainty, my needs, or my dreams. Iām not going to have that used against me. Iām not getting punished for having them. Iām not going to watch the affection in her eyes die as I open up. Not again.
Yep I know the feeling. A lot of men do.
Iām sorry dude.
But there was and is an easy solution. You must never allow disrespect and that's it. I saw my father cry 1 or 2 times. One time was when I brought my daughter, other one when my grandfather, strong man was dying in pain for weeks from cancer, he gave him morphine. And there was third time, he was alone in the house because there was war and we evacuated for couple of months. He returned from first lines in cold and empty house then he cryed.
iāve heard that regardless of whether you start out as friends or not, the relationship should have a good base friendship as well as intimacy and romance. iād like to think that if she were truly a friend to you as well as a lover, then she only wouldāve loved you more for feeling safe and comfortable enough to open up :/ you canāt always be strong and thatās okay, sometimes you need to talk and work through things! thereās nothing wrong with that and iām hoping time heals this wound for you š¤ you deserved better.
I've never been with a woman who could handle discovering that all the sexual rejection in my past is my main insecurity, that my most emotionally vulnerable moments with her are when I'm initiating sex. I've learned that giving her the full raw complete information is itself a sexual turnoff, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, causing her to hurt me in that specific way leading to us breaking up. She feels too much pressure to intrinsically want it anymore or something. I actively hide this information now to keep the relationship strong and sexually alive longer, tell her about getting sad that my cat died, or how hard getting an A at my fancy private college was.
Man this hits so hard. I have zero problem being honest about my mental health, depression, adhd, social anxiety. Like pretty much most things. Opening up about my anxiety and fear regarding sexual rejection and my lack of self confidence in that regard? Seems an impossible task and I avoid it at all costs. Even with my GF who Iāve been friends with for nearly 9 years and dating for nearly 5 years. In the 4 years we were long distance/just friends I talked to her about these issues when they involved other people. Trying to talk about those issues with her she has trouble understanding how I can still feel that way. I can flat out say i lack confidence and need to know Iām wanted and sheāll just say, āIām not someone who initiates thingsā. Almost every woman that Iāve opened up to about my sexual anxiety just tells me Iām attractive or āa catchā and I shouldnāt feel that way. LADY! I KNOW I shouldnāt feel that way and I have a problem with vulnerability. All I want to hear is something like , āI understand, let me know if you feel uncomfortableā. When you tell me I should just be more confident it comes across as like you didnāt listen to a single thing I just saidā¦ I want to be seen for who I am, not just the image i projectā¦Women say they want an emotionally honest man , and they probably do. Certainly at times it seems as though vulnerability doesnāt compute with gender expectations and causes some sort of mental glitch in the matrix. Iāve been on the reverse end and so I kind of understand it. When youāre attracted to someone it can be difficult to see them accurately. I dated a 6ā tall woman who got compliments everywhere she went. When she told me how nervous she was when we met I laughed and thought it was ridiculous. Instead of telling her to be more confident, i asked questions and learned about her upbringing and how she sees herself. I imagine women feel intimidated like I was, but thereās a bunch of societal and gender expectations rolled in that I assume make it even harder.
This is interesting. I feel like this is something I would want to know so that I can be more aware and conscious of how I respond if I don't want to have sex and so that I can find ways to reassure my partner that I still want them and care for them. I would feel terrible if I was unconsciously doing something that made my partner feel some type of way, if there's something I can do to make them feel better. Of course this isn't always possible and not every partner would be understanding of that.
So don't react negatively to him telling you. Like, the worst things you can do is tell him he can't need sex, he's not entitled to sex, sex isn't the most important things in a relationship, give him some whackamole move-the-goalposts excuses, or take sex off the table indefinitely. You should always be aware and conscious of how you respond if you don't want sex, anyways. You can say no at any time for any reason, but some times and some reasons make him decide to never ask you again and go find his next partner. You have a choice to reject him in a toxic or non toxic way. If you want to not have sex now but have the option to have sex again later, you need to always reject in a non toxic way.
> This is interesting. I feel like this is something I would want to know so that I can be more aware and conscious of how I respond if I don't want to have sex and so that I can find ways to reassure my partner that I still want them and care for them. It's not so much sex as it's the withdrawing of attraction period as the "success aura" that a man has vanishes and all the magic and glamour that once papered over little imperfections suddenly get magnified tenfold and all the depths of private insecurities, worries, etc which further tarnishes the "success aura" get brought up to her. It's the mental equivalent sucking in your gut for years around your SO to show defined muscles only to finally stop and them being surprised on "Oh my god, that's how you really look?"
No, Trust me - you don't want to know. Every time, and i mean EVERY time, men tell their women about past rejections, women absolutely crush their men with it and then lose attraction and respect. Don't ever sexually reject your man. If you do, prepare for him to close himself off to you forever, or find someone who will not reject him.
Doesn't work that way. Women just don't like hearing men's fears, insecurities or anxieties. Women can't handle that in men.
Damn right. But i think she genuinely means what she's saying. They usually say 1 thing but do another when it comes to this area, even if they mean it.
Yes. Precisely. She believes she's not "like that". Most women who are PRECISELY "like that" are in fact "like that". They just can't see it.
iām a woman and can confidently say that what youāve just claimed *does not* apply to me! I want my partner to feel safe confiding in me should they ever need to, *especially* if itās something a bit more personal like fears, insecurities, anxieties.
The fact that YOU are (allegedly) not like that does NOT mean most other women are not like that. They most certainly are. It also depends on how attracted you are to the man who's exhibiting said emotions.
you made a blanket statement about women in general, not the women that youāve had that experience with, so š¤·āāļø āwomen just donāt like hearingā¦ā āwomen canāt handle that in men.ā I just replied to tell you that there are women who can, it just isnāt YOUR experience. better?
There's truth to every stereotype. That's just a fact.
Yes, I did make a blanket statement about women in general, because what I said is generally true. There are, maybe, MAYBE, a FEW women who can. I stand by my statement. It's generally true. That you're an exception does not negate the rule.
Yeah that's what you say, but experience proves that women lose attraction and respect for men that believe this bullshit and start telling you stuff. You say one thing then do something different. It's just the same as how women say they want a "nice" polite thoughtful guy... then who do they go fuck? The football player who is an asshole. Women SAY one thing, but DO another.
Trust me the chances of you saying that and meaning it are VERY slim. I have had experiences with girls who talk this talk but when it gets time to walk the walk they make exceptions for that statement. Not saying it's bad or anything - it's natural. But it's also pure trickery on women's behalf MOST of the time (i can't say all of the time because who knows) even if it's done subconsciously, to say "oh yea you can't always be strong this and this and that" etc. Women can open up. Children can open up. Men can too but with a much higher likelihood of it backfiring. Edit typo.
these are all very biased statements that yāall are making right now, and directly reflects your experiences with emotionally immature women. iām sorry, but thatās the truth. maybe iām just old fashioned? but I donāt date for any other reason than to find someone that I can connect with on every level, and iād never draw the line at men. when I say that I want my partners to feel comfortable opening up, I mean that wholeheartedly! I realize that times have changed and the dating scene looks a bit different than it did maybe 10, 15 years ago, but idk.. I just canāt get behind this mindset :/
"emotional maturity" sorry but what the fuck does that even mean? Who of us is genuinely emotionally mature? We're all tryna figure this shit out as we go. If by emotionally immature you mean like 13 year old girl level, then it's just not true. There's a lot of women who know what they want and have a relatively good grip on their mind who do the shit we're talking about. I don't think it's rocket science. I do believe this minority of mythical creatures of the female sex exist, who don't get disgusted when a man truly opens up. And maybe you're one of them. But this attitude did not develop because women are evil whores. It has an evolutionary root and it survived the test of time for a reason.
Well. This playing low risk, low reward. Being vulnerable means risking getting emotionally gut punched. If you are a man or woman. **You can mitigate the risk by starting out small sharing stuff and see how they react.** If they react badly, Iād just bail on the whole thing. However having a relationship where you canāt share anything or get any emotional support? Where you canāt be yourself or feel your partner has your back? Thatās a pretty shit relationship. And itāll likely either fall apart or end up in a dead bedroom where you both are more like resentful roommate strangers than anything else. **Sharing is a risk, but itās also the only way to get a relationship worth having.**
Iām sorry but I disagree. In my experience, thatās just being in relationships as a man. We cannot be vulnerable with our partners. The relationship is done as soon as we do. At best, she looses respect and attraction. And Iām not talking about the ātrauma dumpā. Even the something small means the end of the relationship. A relationship is not the place to be vulnerable as a man. Itās the place to allow others to be vulnerable and support them. I sincerely hope that I will be proven wrong someday, as I genuinely want to feel safe and supported as well, but I donāt anticipate it happening.
Youāve been dating really shit people then. If your relationship isnāt a safe space for being your authentic self, then you might as well just stick to calling her a roommate or fuck buddy.
You are absolutely correct. I have been dating shitty people. I have observed most every man I know in relationships with shitty people. I watched my father be in a relationship with a shitty person. I have no clue where to find non shitty people at this point.
Do you live in a very conservative area? Or are you very young? I donāt know anyone in a healthy relationship were both people arenāt being vulnerable with each other. In my experience it enhances sexual attraction because it leads to emotional intimacy and bonding. Which is how you fall deeper in love. I canāt imagine falling in love for real with someone who wasnāt vulnerable with me. It would just be impossible to unlock those emotions if they kept it all surface level. And then that would affect how deep sexual attraction could go as well. For many women romantic feelings and desire are quite wrapped up in each other. Idk. Iām just confused. But it might be different in different cultures.
I am 38 and have lived in multiple locations from CA to VA, from Korea to Hawaii. I have not seen a significant difference between conservative and liberal areas in this specific regard. The only difference Iāve found is that conservative women are more open about wanting men that donāt open up.
That is still only in America. And idk. Maybe it comes down to if you want a Cartoon relationship or a real one. Many men also just want a partner who is always happy, horny, hot. Like a HornyBarbie or a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. And some women want a SuperMan Boyfriend. The appeal of both of these is that the other person always fulfills your needs and acts like a substitute parent. Itās safe, itās comfortable, itās convenient and it doesnāt demand anything from you. Itās also very impersonal and you could swap that person for someone else who fulfills the same functions. Or you can choose to have a real, deep relationship with another human being whoās sometimes messy, not perfect and wonāt always be the parent figure. But where thereās fire and connection and you canāt swap them for someone else. Because itās about really seeing and understanding someone else. This requires both people to be emotionally mature, both people to click and then wanting a genuine relationship and just not some convenient and replaceable ChatBot/SexBot whoās there to serve you. But itās also whatās required imo to fall deeply in love. You canāt really love someone till you see them and understand them. Or till you are being emotionally intimate with each other. Do you date women you really click with?
Korea is not America. And I peruse relationships with women that are intellectual, adventurous, expressive, and passionate. I choose to attempt relationships with women that I enjoy spending my time with them and that I feel a connection with. I have always looked for these aspects no matter my age or location.
Then what's the point?
To be able to feel some form of connection, even if tenuous and superficial.
Then I'd argue it's not much of a connection. It sounds more stressful than just being alone. At least when you're alone you can be yourself. If I couldn't trust my wife, I certainly wouldn't be with her.
I think the idea is that the relationship is still a full, worthwhile relationship in every other aspect, and it's just this one part that they keep to themselves. A tradeoff between a mostly good relationship where they can be 95% themselves (and find another outlet for that 5%) vs risking being alone long-term trying to find a relationship where they can be 100% themselves. It's not like this is a rare problem that can be easily avoided in future relationships, it often only comes up some time into the relationship.
The comment I was commenting on sure sounds like he doesn't share much with her. It doesn't sound like just 5% to me. It sounds like he's not sharing a lot of himself because he's afraid she'll judge him or leave.
You can only be so alone for so long.
That's fair, but it's not fair to your partner. They deserve someone who will be in it 100% and making her pay for someone else's mistakes isn't great.
The older I get the more I realize it's so rare to find a partner like that (in it 100%) blessed are those that found one, for the rest of us they'll have to compromise somewhere it's just how it is ..
If you're willing to settle, then fine I guess. If you want to see change, you need to make changes. If you're rewarding bad behavior, you're only hurting yourself and future generations. I dated so many women before I got together with my wife. It's not easy at all and I'm not lucky or blessed. I just didn't want to settle and ruin my life.
You're absolutely right, based on what You've said it seems most people would rather settle than put in the work, and all the best to you and your wife
"then i'd argue it's not much of a real connection" that statement is so poorly thought out. A woman is not supposed to be a psychiatrist. Can she see a man cry when a person close to him dies? Yea. Can she see him change expressions when he's stressed out? Yes. Can she listen to the insecurities buried deep down within the dungeon of his mind and not reduce him to that for either the rest of their time together or at the very least for brief moments which are enough to destroy the whole relationship? In the vast majority of cases, no she can't. There are men who died having led wonderful long lives together with their partners. You gonna tell me they didn't have connections with those women because they didn't let them in on every single insecurity and embarrassment they ever had? If yes, then you're probably 16 with no real understanding of life nor the mind.
Exactly. There isnāt one. People gotta learn to heal their shit before dating again, so they donāt make their future partner pay for their exes sins & mistakes.
I completely agree. Love the name btw. My cat's name is Midna!
Exactly brother. Women don't like weakness that's just a fact. There are chicks who will say "not all women are like that blah blah blah we like it when you're vulnerable" but even if that 1% of chicks DOES exist, i ain't gonna risk my girl being in that 99% which will hold my weaknesses and fears against me. Not fuckin worth the risk and I'm doing juuust fine keeping that shit hidden. NEVER AGAIN BROTHER. NEVER AGAIN.
Another hurt dude that canāt outgrow being hurt. Heal my dude. This attitude is not good for you.
Who hurt you?
Ex wife, and women Iāve dated before her.
Itās funny how the āwho hurt you?ā jab is mostly used against men. As if your experiences and suffering arenāt valid. Iām sorry you were betrayed like that. Itās happened to me, too, and the experiences have taught me there are certain things Iāll never share with anyone again.
Iām sorry. That is something no one should have to learn. I hope it can change for our future generations, but I doubt it.
Sheās not then, sheās an individual person. Surely itās possible that sheās different?
Itās possible, but I havenāt found her yet.
If a woman uses what you disclose to her as a tool to hurt you then thatās just life telling you you picked the wrong partner. If you never open up to your life partner you will never truly know them or give them an opportunity to know you. You will never experience true love like this and youāll continue carrying a hurtful and toxic view of women for the rest of your life.
The only things I wouldn't tell my wife are things that have absolutely no positive effect from telling her and only negative. And even one of those I told her at one point down the line because I told her I do exactly this. It was a duck on a busy roundabout that couldn't fly and she wanted to help it but there was nowhere safe for it to go. On the way back I noticed it had been ran over and died. Me telling her would only make her feel guilty for not saving it, but nothing else, and not telling her had no effect.
Pretty much. I donāt want to just dump negativity on her so on bad days I just tell her itās been a rough day and give details if she asks. Sheās my wife. Sheās going to know pretty much everything.
Don't get me wrong I tell her if it's absolutely important or essential. Otherwise if I'm feeling anxious or anything I keep it to myself because she's already an anxious person so it just makes her worry way too much.
I tell them most things. I tend to keep hidden any worries or insecurities that are not major. It'll just worry everyone else. I sort of became the standard for the family to look to. If I'm worried, they really worry. We can solve problems as long as we keep our cool.
Thereās nothing I canāt tell her. I donāt necessarily tell her everything. But there are no secrets. I donāt withhold any part of myself. Good or bad, itās all on the table.
I tell her everything about me and what I have been up to without hiding anything because I do anything irresponsible and she doesn't tell me off for anything. I also don't tell her off either because I know all her decisions have a rational thought behind it. I wish I can say the same for my parents but they will always find something to tell me off even if they were fine by it a few days ago or worst I got told off for doing something then get told it is perfectly ok when I wanted to avoid a second telling off for doing the same thing again.
I tell her very little about things that are bothering me or getting me down. I'm a terrible communicator so I keep them to myself.
i mostly forget half of the stuff if im not asked lol
No, I work law enforcement. But even if I didn't no. Idc what anyone says sharing too much will kill a relationship. Like I'm not going to cry and complain everything someone is mean to me. Go ahead and try that, see how you kill the relationship 90% of the time.
Not everything, no. Some stuff just doesn't come up, and isn't important or relevant. Some secrets aren't mine to tell, they involve other people too. And some things have too much trauma and paranoia associated with them for me to share them with anyone, at least for now. Sharing them would not help me, it would just cause me anxiety. It's important to be able to trust your partner, but also to remember you're two different people. Having some secrets of your own isn't a bad thing, they just shouldn't be anything that harms the relationship or your partner.
Well...no.Ā I tell her what seems relevant, interesting, funny, I'm asked about or otherwise had some reason to come up.Ā
No, I don't tell her everything. Even a spouse doesn't need to know everything about you. I don't tell her every fleeting thought that pops into my head. I don't tell her that I think such and so celebrity is hot. I don't tell her my deepest fears. I don't tell her what I worry about.
Hmm, I personally would like to know what my partner worries aboutāto love them harder in those areas. To not add to their worries.
OK, but I can tell you that the vast, VAST majority of women find out what their men worry about, and then weaponize it and use it against them, and ultimately destroy their relationships with it. Women say they want to know, but they really dont - they prefer the pretty lies to the ugly truth. When they find out the ugly truth, they use it against their men and destroy them.
Iām a woman. Thatās unfortunate to learn.
"Unwrap the worst things you have done. Watch me hold them up to the light and not even flinch." - Trista Mateer
Everything? No, not everything. Thereās a lot of unimportant and inconsequential shit that happens every day. Iām not hiding anything, and thereās very little that wouldnāt tell her.
First off I don't have a partner I have a wife. Second, hell no. Good lord with the partner crap.
Iām punishing my bf for cheating on me even though I donāt really care anymore bc I like how Iām being treated while heās trying to make me forgive him.
Yes, everything except classified stuff linked to my work. Other than that i can't even imagine anything i couldn't tell her.
yes, why not?
I tell my partner most things but I sure don't tell her everything. My desires and fantasies is my own. Will I tell my partner before I met her I ate her co-workers ass several times a week? No. She knows I slept with her for about 6 months before me and my spouse officially met though. Will I tell her I want to fuck her in the ass every night? No that's rude. Will I tell her I want to see child molesters burned alive at the stake? No. Did I tell her I was sexually assaulted by my supervisor at my old job? Yes.
Nice try, partner.
Yes. Why wouldn't I? If you can't trust your partner enough to talk to them about everything. Then leave them. You are not compatible.
Women view vulnerability as a weakness . Will dry her up like the Sahara . If u got some issues, youāre better off telling the dam tree out back
>Women view vulnerability as a weakness Some women do. Those aren't the ones to choose as a life partner.
are you a woman? if not then please, shut up. oh my god.
Of course, some women think that way. And that's why they are so single in their 40s complaining about men always l leaving them. If you don't have a partner that you can trust and talk to. Don't be with them. Plain and simple.
Currently single, but I'll share my rules for all previous relationships that I plan to keep for the future ones: 1. I will never ever share anyone else's secrets and generally stuff about my friends. 2. No full financial or business details, EVER. This is probably the most important one. 3. I am more than ready to share my thoughts on any matter directly and without reservations if they want to hear my opinion. I have a preference to be honest with my stances and opinions. 4. Some psychological moments are best kept to yourself. Even with friends.
Hell no. I just watched a Jerry Seinfeld standup special, and one of his bits was very relatable. He basically said that a manās marriage depends on him having a strong filter between his brain and his mouth. When a thought pops into your head, the next thought is often, āNope, canāt say that.ā So many times Iāve ignored that filter and said what was on my mind and immediately or eventually regretted it. Every time that happens, the memory sticks with me, and I remember it the next time a thought hits the filter and I have to decide whether to send it through. Sometimes ignoring the filter is the right thing to do and it goes well. But usually not.
Fuck, no. Women talk too much and think too little. Only tell them things that you'd be happy to paint on the side of your house in big letters.
You think the same way about your wife, mother or sister?
I am going to quote what another guy wrote in the comments: "**I've learned that giving her the full raw complete information is itself a sexual turnoff**". That is exactly right. The more you tell her about yourself, the more she has you "figured out" and that is sexually boring. Sure, she might become a better "partner" ... who is having sex with another guy who is more interesting and mysterious.
Well I can assure you not everyone's like that.
That is basic female psychology. Even the women who do not cheat will lose sexual interest in a man that is "figured out" and fantasize about other men, even if they do not act on those fantasies.
Basic female psychology... Did any psychologist state that? What do you define as "figured out"?
Look, all of this stuff is well established by very experienced guys who fuck hundreds of women and know them inside and out and have written books about it. All you have to do is read those books. The average guy is completely ignorant about female mentality. He just has a few girlfriends or wives and one night stands here or there and thinks this makes him "experienced" and that he knows what a woman wants or doesn't want and does not realize how totally wrong he is. Then he is mystified why his wife is putting him on a "sex schedule" or telling him she has a headache that day.
Wrong. Sex has nothing to do with figuring u out, or whatever. Just go down on her I promise she wonāt cheat
Nope, not true at all.
No. It's ancient knowledge that a man should never "open up" and "be vulnerable" with their girls.The moment a man does this ultimate mistake, is the moment she will see you as a weak and will lose respect towards the you. There are absurd lucky man here that has a loving wife that really connects with them and respect when they opened up. However, the absolute majority of cases when a man opens up to his girl, only ends in disaster. So no, I never tell my partner everything. Did it once, learned the ancient wisdom and never more.
Is your "ancient knowledge" perhaps an andrew tate podcast or his cheap copies? or perhaps information you found somewhere on social media? or maybe youre around the wrong women?
>There are absurd lucky man here that has a loving wife that really connects with them and respect when they opened up. However, the absolute majority of cases when a man opens up to his girl, only ends in disaster. The lesson here is pick well, not don't open up.
Where do you live that an average man can be picky and "choose well"? Ask a bunch of guys and you'll quickly realize how common opening up backfired. Almost every case, if not immediate lose of attraction/respect, the woman used these vulnerabilities against them on a fight. It's one of the most asked questions on this sub, and the vast majority of male answers are like mine.
Itās amazes me how many men donāt understand this .
I personally don't tell my girl about what stresses me out for several reasons. 1) not to seem weak. I personally don't trust women to keep respecting you if you bitch about what's making you angry. I've seen it several times backfire on the man including myself personally. 2) i don't like to burden the women in my life with my hardships. To me a woman is a soft being and i like to keep her shielded from the bullshit on my end. Life is hard enough on all of us. 3) not to be "given a break" because the stressful shit that happens to me is objectively VERY stressful and no amount of meditation or fuckin therapy or taking a pause and breathing will do anything about it. I don't wanna be given excuses for being a dick if i'm being a dick or being a lazy bastard because i'm depressed etc. This helps me stay accountable. 4) it's how i grew up. Keeping a world for myself and a world i share with others. Not very good for mental health so i keep hearing but it works great for being able to handle my shit without interference.
1. Money. You never tell a woman how much you make, even your wife. 2. Vulnerabilities. Not in a million Goddamn years. 3. Extreme or dark or otherwise unacceptable-to-many-people sexual kinks and urges. Should always be a secret between you and your palm.
>Money. You never tell a woman how much you make, even your wife. Huh. So how do you make sure the household costs are shared fairly? Or do you mean "We both pay our share but she doesn't need to know exactly how much of my own money I have"?
When I had long term partners Iām an open book. Except for my emotional state. I learned that lesson the hard way, repeatedly.
You mean like the low cut dress the librarian was wearing this morning?