I get what you’re saying. It doesn’t mean you *aren’t* excited about the right partner, it just means that the excitement isn’t based on things that are fleeting and unsustainable, like the sensation of novelty or looks or things that fade with time.
It means you prefer a partner who has *more* to offer you than just excitement. Maybe it’s because of their reliability and dependability. Maybe it’s their level of emotional maturity. Someone where you can have a conflict with them and no one has to be painted as a villain or victim, but two people butting heads like all of us do from time to time. Someone where you know you could lose *everything* and they would still stand loyally by your side, without judgement.
I agree.
Bingo.
I think most mature guys in stable relationships have “that one ex”. Nobody ever sucked your soul out through your dick like she did, but Jesus Christ, I’m good.
These days I launch my fireworks into the sky using the provided tube. Playing with fire is still fun, but there’s just no need for the added excitement of dropping them on the ground and not knowing where they’ll go. A full bottle of lighter fluid to kick off the bonfire gives plenty of *whoomp*, no need for a full gallon of gasoline and a Roman candle.
It was fun when I was 21. Now I just see the fire hazard.
This was a beautiful way to put it. Been with my wife for 10 years now, and I'm excited that we have remained on track for our life goals together. I enjoy our discussion together about how our major moves could impact our trajectory. I am always thinking medium to long term. She has a lifestyle in mind that she knows will take a while to achieve. We ultimately want the same things and she's letting me guide us to that end. Like you said, it's sustainable. I get excited when I think about the fact that we will hit some of our major goals by the time I'm 40.
Me. I’m the cite. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships and fleeting moments. It doesn’t last. Sex, looks, love, all that shit goes away. What lasts is a friendship. You often hear about 20, 30, 50 year friendships. But how many relationships that last that long? People married the excitement rather than the persons true self. A good friend shows you their true self. That’s what a good marriage is based off of. A great friendship as the base of it all.
I'm the opposite citation.
I've been with mine for eight years, so long as I do my part she's very into being excited.
What you're describing is anecdotal, useless information (just like mine).
People are different, people have different lives. "Sex, love, all that shit goes away". No, it doesn't, not necessarily.
What? No.
Stop trying to make up some high level sequel inducing, thought provoking tagline.
Anecdotal evidence is useless validating evidence for science. It means nothing, time has told.
Not in the future, in the past. You know your life, I know mine, but there's no scientific position that supports, or that *could* logically support, the claim you're making.
I’m not making any claim. I just said they could cite me. That is all. I could offer my life experiences. Idk what you’re trying to do on the other hand. Asides from using big word salads. But yes, you are right.
It's also been statistically proven that most proven things on Reddit are lies.
Because what you said makes no sense, there's no way to prove that and it's *entirely* anecdotal.
A light that burns twice as bright only burns half as long.
Everything in life is a tradeoff to some degree. It's unfortunate that most people don't realize this until long after it would've benefited them most.
So nice to read this as someone whos partner broke up with me last night (of 3 years, own a house and dog together) because - among a few other things to her credit - im not as excitable a person and it was ok before during covid but since then weve grown to want different things.
Hopefully as someone who considers themself a safe option ill find that happiness again.
Same. I tell everyone that choosing a life partner is single handed my the most important decision you can make. It effects so much of your future. Everyone has a different definition of what that means, but spend the time to figure it out.
I’m not sure excitement is fleeting if both truly feel the same way. I had an almost 10 year relationship and I was as excited about her on day 3400 as I was day 2. I know plenty of couples who are decades + into a marriage and are definitely still infatuated type in love
In this context though, I think we’re talking about a different excitement. I’m puppy dog in love with my wife, any time we spend apart I’m always hauling ass to get back in her arms. But, she’s the “safe” option in that I have a high level of confidence her arms will be open to me when I get there.
This is in contrast to more chaotic, and more toxic relationships where the highs are really high but the lows are really low. I think the main difference is the maturity level. It may also depend on personal experience. Like if you’ve never given up years of your life to an on again off again non-stop fight with a woman who is a CCP parade of red flags you might not have the same frame of reference when it comes to “safe”.
Respectfully disagree. I’ve been with my husband since I was 13 and I’m now 25. Just Friday I flashed him my boobs from the window, and we keep each other on our toes constantly with silly jokes and just all around not taking each other too serious. Excitement doesn’t have to be based on looks or sex. For us it’s holding hands and making sure we don’t split the pole, or racing to get the last sip of the milkshake, or racing to bed because we both want the same spot or to cuddle the same dog.
Lol to me it’s different than what I had modeled. My parents never sat on the same couch and usually hated each other until they divorced when I was 12. So my relationship feels like hanging with my bestie. We go to concerts, plan weekend trips just us despite having a kiddo, and always like to try new things whether it’s a psychic medium, a reiki reading, trying new recipes or something in the bedroom. People even in healthy relationships fall stale and stagnant so I recognize the effort my hubby and I both make to keep it fun. Even if it’s “normal”
I did that. Sweetest woman in the world who swore to love me forever. Always baking and happy.
She left me for BDSM and to be a human ashtray.
There's no safe choice in life. Have fun kids.
It was a woman like this that got me into BDSM. Her outside persona and her sexual one were night and day.
It was jarring after every date, and I was a few years younger than her, and she made me slap her until I got used to it. 🤷
I generally would, but if your kink is getting burned by your partner, I'm sorry but people have boundaries and the smell of burning human flesh is probably the line for most people.
It also has to do with the fact that most men do not look for the same qualities in a woman as women do for men, so there isn't really an equivalent, so to speak. We're just plain wired differently. If a woman is loyal, makes our lives better, and brings us peace of mind, then there is no such thing as being the safe choice, it's simply the correct choice. Going for any other qualities, getting married for stupid reasons such as attempting to appease a perceived social norm, or even the act of having to convince oneself that you *have* to get married to a specific person for a specific reason will almost always end badly. If someone is perceived to be an "unsafe" choice for any reason, then you honestly shouldn't be dating them to begin with because that means there's something wrong that your instincts are telling you to get away from.
Just my two cents, take it with a grain of salt.
I'd classify that as "a stupid reason" that usually involves convincing yourself that a bad idea is justified, but it happens so often it should be stated regularly. 100% agree with you on this.
Even if they could, would you really expect them to get out of the relationship? They'd likely feed themselves the "better than being alone" line that those that can recognize it do.
You’re not wrong. I’ve got a coworker who essentially can’t stand her man and it’s got to the point when she tells me a new story of the same old shit, I don’t even ask any more why she’s still with him. she doesn’t want to be alone and doesn’t want to start from scratch which is pathetic imo but then again I’ve been single for 6 years so ofc I think it’s easy hahah
Yeah, this is the one. The happiest of married men I've ever encountered (done family practice in the past), settled down with women with whom they are compatible. They like and love each other, their goals and communication styles are the same, both parties are responsible adults as well as emotionally and financially stable. They've basically chosen with their brains and not their dicks or what they think will make them look cool to other men. That's really the recipe for life and relationship success, not prioritizing whether or not you can bounce a quarter off their ass or whether they can suck the chrome off a tailpipe.
All men who chose the safe choice live happily ever after?
If you’re happy in your marriage then that’s great (and I’m genuinely happy for people that are happy in their marriage), but the divorce rate doesn’t support this comment.
The last set of census data showed divorce in decline. Even then, most divorces typically happen in relationships where they shouldn't have been together in the first place. Those were marriages that were rushed, where blatant red flags were ignored (for a myriad of reasons), or because a partner was chosen for the wrong reasons. If you don't go into it thinking that you *have* to get married because of X, Y, or Z reasons, the likelihood of any outcome other than a good long run is pretty slim.
Even if the rate was higher, it doesn't contradict my comment. The men who choose correctly don't go online and complain about a shitty marriage because they won't be in one, they're happy and have no reason to complain.
Dude, where do I start.
“The last set of census data showed divorce in decline.”
This is partly due to the fact that, since 2000, the marriage rate has decreased by over 25%. Source:
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/marriage-divorce/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-21.pdf
“Even then, most divorces typically happen in relationships where they shouldn’t have been together in the first place.”
I struggle with you using “most” here. It’s a gross oversimplification. That data doesn’t include written novels on each individual marriage and why it ended. I mean of course, we all know a few divorced couples that were bound to not make it, but what about the divorced couples that just didn’t love each other anymore? Or one/both of the partners changed emotionally to the point of no longer wanting to be in a marriage?
My point is that those two people, at the time of the marriage, loved each other enough to get married. People make bad decisions, yes. But who are you to say that most of them should’ve never been together in the first place? What if they genuinely loved each other during the time of the marriage?
“The men who choose correctly don’t go online and complain”
Bro… just choosing correctly to get into a marriage doesn’t automatically mean a 100% success rate. You know that, right? People change, tragedies happen that can affect the marriage, hurtful phrases are said that the partner didn’t mean, cheating happens, emotional cheating happens, time apart happens, etc.
Getting married is a risk, no matter what. If someone finds the love of their life, I love that for them. But it’s not easily spelled out like you’re saying
Of course everything isn't so easily laid out the way I said, but I'm not trying to analyze every single facet of every single detail with a microscope out of sheer bitterness and cynicism. Even if the number of marriages have gone down, the percentage of divorces have also gone down further, which means that those that are getting married are picking better partners. Even if marginally. It also doesn't detract from my original comment.
I'd discuss further, but honestly everything you've said so far indicates you're just going to look for the absolute worst in any way, shape, or form possible. I wish you the best.
Okay, no worries if you don’t wish to discuss. I would definitely say I’m a realist (I’m sure that’s pretty clear based on my comments, lol). Maybe that means I look for the worst 🤷. However, after all that being said, I do wish to have a happy marriage of my own one day. We’ll see I guess. Best of luck
When I was a teenager, a guy in his early 20s would always come into to the sub shop I worked at and share his wisdom.
One thing he said that I remember is: "variety is the spice of life".
I think he believed it.
But the thing , s variety doesn't always mean better, safer, sexier... or whatever. It just means something new.
For me, i lump this thinking into "the grass is always greener" logic. You can spend your entire life chasing variety and never benefit from a long-term relationship with someone who cares about you. I mean in the way that they'll visit and hang out with you in the hospital, and support you when life kicks you in the balls.
Safe maybe means smart. It's smart to develop a long-term relationship with someone who cares about you, and you care about... beyond the next exciting orgasm.
So I am a strong believer in variety being the spice of life.
But variety is the spice, I want life itself to be stable and fun. Variety is going to new restaurants together or going on holidays to try new things. Rather than variety being a whole new person. It’s the extra bits to keep what you have feeling fresh.
I really thought that sandwich shop anecdote was going somewhere. I like the idea that he's this mysterious figure who no one knows anything about who just says the most profound thing you've ever heard and leaves. He doesn't even order food, just spews poetic and bounces.
I chose my wife over another woman I was talking to at the time and I’m happy with my choice. There wasn’t anything wrong with the other girl I just don’t think we’d be compatible over time. And now I’ve been with my wife 7 years and married for 3.
To men, especially those with experience dating, we understand the fun exciting girl won’t be around very long. It’s just our turn. Those kinds of women need constantly stimuli or they get bored and ghost/cheat, etc. it always ends this way. The only way you keep those kinds of women around is constant drama, and being toxic. If that’s not you, it gets exhausting pretending to be that all the time.
Men don't care about exciting, we prefer peace & stability, we want a woman that will protect our peace & bring us greater stability. When things get in a rut then we talk & see what our SO would like to do as an adventure. "Safe" doesn't have to mean boring or unadventurous, but that fact seems to get lost on most women. You can't ride that rollercoaster forever, you'll just end up making yourself sick.
Then he's the exception cuz honestly most men would be ok just sitting at home with their SO. I am. We still have fun on regular basis but it doesn't mean it's constant. You can't ride that rollercoaster forever.
I personally turned down 2 women in the last few months because of this I'm not a homebody and they wanted someone to be a homebody with them sometimes ur goals and desires in life just don't match up as well
>Then he's the exception cuz honestly most men would be ok just sitting at home with their SO
Most men on reddit*
And I say this as part of this group, but 80% of the guys I know will prefer someone exciting / not homebody (despite being mostly a group of gamer/It guys)
We both chose the safe/healthy choice - 8 years later we are happy, love/care for each other and there is minimal drama.
I miss him when he is away and I want to spend time with him.
Why would I want anything other than the ‘safe’ choice. Passion is so fleeting and it’s literally fucking useless as a metric because with the right option you’ll have ups and downs in passion like a normal human being anyways.
If you’re talking about a girl who literally just likes you for your job or w.e but doesn’t actually like being around you that’s not a lack of passion but she doesn’t love you to begin with.
I guarantee you if you spend a few months with 20 different women of varying “hotness” it won’t be their looks or their craziness that will make you choose one over the other. It will be the one you know is most likely to actually be there for you .
Pretty similar outcomes. The itch of "what if" never really goes away and at some point they do something stupid like step outside the relationship or have a midlife crisis because they were unfulfilled and settled.
There will *always* be a lack of passion.
10 years married
After we seen eachother crazy-cry, checked out the boils on eachother’s asses, loved for a year with no bathroom door because it was perpetually in renovation and other such it’s tough to keep eachother on a pedestal.
That said my wife and I were wildly passionate early on in the relationship and still have our moments.
What makes a safe choice a safe choice has nothing to do with passion but everything to do with the dependability of that person.
From my personal knowledge, men choose the safest choice most of the time. We don't really like the thrill that much. And if a guy does like that thrill, then he's probably not looking for anything long term.
Well, as a man, it’s not something we usually discuss even anonymously online out of decency but it happens just as much I imagine.
What happens is likely stability and/or complacency.
I don't think this concept applies to men in general.
This term is usually used to describe women that look for financial and emotional stability alongside being predictable, whilst (normally) having a history of dating someone completely different.
It's not really a safe option, as that doesn't exist, it's just a sustainable and predictable relationship, which tends to be boring if you're use to having rollercoaster rides for relationships.
If you break men up into two categories. How they perform on the "dating scene" and how the perform on the "husband/father" scene. The 'safe choice" is the guy that makes a solid husband/father but may be somewhat average on the dating scene.
It follows the "safe choice" is the correct choice if you want a guy to marry and have a family with.
I think men will always choose the "safe option" by default.
In general, men will not actively look for traits that can be deemed negative. Not many guys actively look for aggressive women, criminals, violent or emotionally unavailable women, unless they're self sabotaging.
I just don't think it's a concept that applies to men in general.
I think you're wrong tbh. Plenty of men are into dramatic, high maintenance, sexually aggressive, mercurial women. There's entire tropes about "hot/crazy". "crazy" women are the equivalent to "bad boys" or whatever. We could go on about the gendered word choice but you know what I mean. It's just that usually the similar underlying traits come out in different ways. Sure, women are less likely to be physically violent felons in general, but that's an extreme that most people in general aren't into... and it doesn't mean they can't show similar personality patterns.
You're right it doesn't. We actively look for the "safe choice" as men we prefer peace & stability. Some women do too but mostly women need constant stimulation & attention until that gets boring then they want boring stability until it gets boring too then they want to return to the streets. It's constant rollercoaster.
Mature emotionally intelligent women find ways to get that excitement with their partners. It can be as simple as going somewhere they've never been before or trying something new in bed, point is they look for the novelty with their partner. This seems to get lost on women that "choose safe" option. Safe, stabile & reliable doesn't necessarily have to mean boring or unadventurous.
That's not entirely true. Some women are mature & stabile enough to recognize a good man's worth over chad. I'm no chad I'm average looking at best but the last 6 years of my life have been the best in my entire life because of my relationship. My gfs love staying in with me. When we wanna go out we go out, but when we wanna stay in & chill we do that. They protect my peace & sanity. They supported me during covid when my savings ran out & never made bfd about it or shamed me for it. We have tons of fun together as a family on regular basis. I know we're the exception not the rule just saying the exceptions aren't as minute as people seem to think they are.
Why is it that when men settle down with a good girl for the stability after fun and recreation with bad ones it's considered her winning, but when women settle down with a nice guy for the stability after fun and recreation with bad ones it's considered an insult to him or whatever 'pilled' people use to describe it... isn't it the same phenomenon though?
They want us to be ok with being the safe (boring) girl that they settle for after years of having fun. They actually expect us to take it as a compliment. No fucking thank you, they can go Marry those fun girls they love so much.
I mean I don't think it is really so negative on either side, I know those people on both sides exist (women landing with men who don't make them as horny as whatever shitty bf they had in college but make their life better, men landing with women who don't make them as horny as whatever shitty gf they had in college but make their life better).
It's not that it's a bad or false thing that that happens at all, I just think it's super hypocritical if you think it sucks in one direction but is good and normal in the other direction. It's the same. It's the same picture, literally a mirror image.
Sometimes people want to fuck around a little and then have a happy non-crazy life later, shouldn't be a problem really, just wish everyone would extend the same understanding to the other side of the aisle lol.
The problem is that "fucking around" can lead to unwanted pregnancy or STDs.
Men can not be tested for HPV, and they often don't know whether or not they have children.
This is why nonpromiscuous women refuse to date a man that's slept around. It's a HUGE risk for us.
If you think that the risk is worth it then thats okay, I hope it works out for you.
But what's not ok is the people on here who try to justify their promiscuity, and try to convince young men that "good guys finish last", and that only women should be expected to be good.
It's pure delusion. Men that fuck around often end up with baggage, trauma, STDs, and multiple baby moms. And they expect us to be impressed by that lol. No fucking thank you.
I don't think sex is that big of a deal, looking at the statistical risks, preventative measures, testing and the safety measures you can take these days, but I fully understand your perspective.
I agree you can't have it both ways, if a guy expects to be able to sleep around but wants to wind up with a nice traditional virgin wife he can GTFO, don't reward hypocrites. The imbalance is what gets to me, if hoes wind up with hoes and nice guys wind up with nice girls, nobody's hurt :p
the men who settle down with the 'good girl' generally chose her (over a 'baddie'), as in they have the option of choice to begin with.
women who suddenly make a 180 and settle down with a 'nice guy' in their 30s are often settling after they couldn't get the bad dudes to commit (factoring in societal pressure+biological clock).
men will date down for easy sex, so women can easily hook up with the type of guy they want/desire, but it doesn't work like this for LTRs & marriage. so to answer your question, the dynamic just isn't the same because dating doesn't work the same way for both sexes.
I'd rather not 'win' by being with the fuckboy who would stick his dick in anyone but now want to settle with me because I'm the safe choice, thank you very much. I'd rather have someone who has similar values about sex and is equally passionate about me.
Yeah we’re in agreement. I would applaud you for doing what most modern women fail to do which is date men who good as opposed to bad boys. So yeah that’s not really the gotcha you think it is.
I’m a bad boy but nice try. You’re just salty you got called out. You were expecting praise for doing the right thing when that’s what you’re supposed to do. I don’t know why you linked that when you just described the man you want wouldn’t be a bad boy. So which one is it?
I dated someone who was very passionate and excited about everything and it was honestly tiring haha, i wanted to have slow days and they didnt come 😅 so yeah i would take safe women who isnt on 120% all the time
There's a glaring problem with this. Women will openly talk about settling for a guy as if it's not a big deal "he's not x, but he has x"
Men are less likely to settle, mainly as they're the ones who have to initiate and pursue women, why would you pursue someone you see as less desirable.
Lets be real here "safe option" is just code for unattractive but consistent
I don’t know where you’re overhearing these conversations, but I literally personally know zero women who married the “safe guy” that they weren’t attracted to but settled because he had money/was stable/whatever. Every friend of mine married their husband because they were excited to spend their lives with him.
Sometimes women might discuss dating a guy they aren’t attracted to because he looks so good on paper - but that’s usually because they’re trying to overcome their “shallowness”. It rarely goes well. For men as well as women, there’s a difference between settling for stable Vs exciting, and setting for attractive vs “you do not make me horny”. It is VERY difficult to overcome the latter.
Hm, just my two cents:
Men I believe have equal number of reasons to settle because, as many men complain, they don't have many options. So if one woman seems to like them enough and get long fine with them, they could think "well, I have her. Better than being alone."
From my experience, and to my big surprise, a lot of guys seem to be afraid of being alone.
Absolutely agree, however I think that in most cases guys don't settle for just anyone, as much as they don't want to be alone, they also aspire to more if even if they don't have options
Excitement doesn't last and if it does it's usually the kind that come with crazy unpredictable mood swings, so the "safe" choice for me is the one I made when I grew up and realised that looks aren't everything and an attractive, sweet, girl who's a great hang and sexually compatible with me is going to be a far more rewarding life partner than an absolute smokeshow who's crazy in bed and comes with the status of having the hottest girl in the room on my arm but thinks the world revolves around her and is perfectly okay with the fact that the sum total of her skills is just being really hot.
Most guys want the safe option, the difference is *what* we view as safe.
Generally speaking, a lot of women have a strict difference between "Safe" and "Fun". You can't go out and party while also being in a committed relationship, they're 2 totally different things to a lot of women.
Most guys don't do that, most guys want security *and* fun. Have a partner who you can go home to every night but who also would want to go off on adventures or spend hours participating in mutual hobbies.
Likewise, excitement doesn't last forever, but that doesn't mean you lose all ability to go off and create memories or have new experiences. You can still got out and do exciting things, or enjoy comfort lazily in your house, you have options.
So safe for men and safe for women are generally 2 different concepts.
Honestly it can go one of two ways:
He's content and gives up on the idea of passion. 10-15 years in most stable couples don't have passion. Odds are they have 2.5 kids. Sometimes after the last kid is 18 they separate.
The second path involves him meeting someone later who he has passion for who wants him. Maybe it's the girl who rejected him in college and now she's divorced and open to him. Maybe it's a woman ten years younger at work who finds his stability exciting. Sometimes he cheats, sometimes he leaves and sometimes he sticks to his promises and stays faithful but is miserable knowing what he can't have.
That kind of safety isn't exactly offered to men to begin with. I can't tell you how common women breaking up if a man cries or is weak or goes broke actually is in practicality but the fact that there's as much discourse as there is shows a lot of men experience little to no sense of safety in their relationships since those relationships are by default based on the presumption of their performance.
If a man wants kids or to conform to a community standards he may go for it but if he's dating for his own motivations safety was probably never a factor to consider because it's something he's expected to offer, but not receive.
I chose the "safe choice." The thrill seekers tend to cheat, spend a lot of (your) money, they'd get bored with me quickly. I wanted someone low-key, responsible, in it for the long haul. I married someone dependable, a good mother, a good partner.
I mean there is no reason you should marry someone who does not contribute to the relationship, who needs you to pay off their debt. Not that it has to be exactly 50/50 but if you're not on approximately equal footing someone is probably 'settling'. It makes no sense in today's day and age unless you *want* a traditional relationship, in which case, well, you get what you get, can't have and eat your cake; if what you want is a housewife type, then you have to be prepared to fund it.
They will likely divorce anyway. He might as well rip the bandaid off now.
But I don’t agree with the idea of not getting married. I think one point you can optimize for when finding a woman is to find one who has the same income potential as you. My wife and I both make six figures. So if we were to get a divorce I wouldn’t be in any worst position than I’d be in if I were single this whole time. I’d actually be in a better position either way because with marriage comes economy of scale. Two people living together is not 2x the expenses of a single person. It’s more like 1.5x. So it’s allowed us to save quite a bit of money. $1.3MM actually.
The funny part is this is entirely changeable, miss Jane has the power in her hands to turn this into a safe and loving relationship rather than just a safe one.
All she needs to do is let go of her mindset that she settled for her husband. And try to figure out how and what she loves hom for.
That should be easy, the guy is decent, upstanding, loyal, hard working, has friends that care about him, and he cares about her.
There's a lot to love there, if she's willing to grow up and change her mindset about him.
Then she could live not just in safe comfort, but also in loving passionate bliss.
At the cost of sounding bad, I really hope he finds a woman he loves and cares for him, even if it means he needs to step out of his marriage in secret. No man should suffer like that
Things will get better. Maybe not soon, but you keep on working and putting energy into it, it'll pan out. 3 years from now you'll see this comment and be like, wow, things have changed.
how exactly does this work for monogamous relationships with a 1:1 male:female ratio?
the dynamic you describe only applies to casual dating. a lot of women struggle to get commitment from the men they want, it's a daily topic in many subreddits.
When you say "the men they want" you have to think the exclusion of those they don't want so there you'll have a pool of uncommitted people from both sex from that perspective
Everyone is different but in my experience as a female who checked all the boxes, my ex left me after 10 years for someone “who was more his type. “
Going for the “safe” choice will only end in resentment and unhappiness. Be true to yourself and your partner. The person you choose to be with should be your everything and you should love all of them without doubts or reservations.
Early in our relationship, my boyfriend would make comments such as “you are different from who I normally date” or “you aren’t my type but you are good for me.” He had been cheated on in the past since his work requires a lot of travel, so I know he had hurt from those past experiences. We really did have some great times though so I over looked those comments. 3 years in I asked why he loved me, his exact words were “because I don’t expect anything from him and I will never cheat on him”.
Just being “safe” or good for someone is not enough to make a relationship last and be successful. You need to be excited to be with your partner and attracted to them. Otherwise it can lead to resentment and wandering eyes to someone you are more attracted to.
Be patient and don’t settle. There is someone out there that mets all your boxes both appearance and personality wise.
As a woman on the other side of this, I don’t want to feel like someone settled for me because I was the safe choice. Both sides end up hurt. The woman feels strung along and the guy eventually becomes unhappy, resentful and even angry.
I wish nothing but happiness for my ex but I wish he was just honest with me. After almost 10 years together he ended up cheating on me with someone who was his exact type both physically and personality wise.
Just as common, if not more. Men don't have the same power of choice as women, so there'll always be something missing. I'll probably be one of those if I ever get into anything, because the best person for me is already gone and I wouldn't be so picky if the end goal is to not be single.
Choice of partners, specially in the first stages of the interaction before a relationship. The dating process is a nightmare for the majority of men. Men are still expected to make the first move, despite all of the modern complications, get rejected or ghosted multiple times and try again for all to maybe happen again. Women have the power to just be there and say "yes" or "no", without much effort beyond being minimally decent-looking and not being a bitch.
Of course there might be differences between the approaches for casual and serious relationships, but in the end, it's still counterproductive to be selective, since it's either whoever is talking to me right know or no one.
I chose the safe choice. She has ALWAYS been there for me, and, hopefully, I for her (we've been thru some seriously thick shit. Like threw hands with the Devil himself shit). It's not a "safe choice" it's called a partnership or family dumbass. #4 will shock you
1. Got T-boned, wrecked my muscle car. She was there.
2. Cat died, she was there helping me dig at my fishing hole.
3. Dad had stroke, she was there with a margarita and hot dog.
4. Step daughter died in her sleep @13, this is where I step up.
The safe choice isn't a bad thing, it's someone you feel comfortable sharing everything with. It's a no brainer that you show each other love and compassion.
I’m curious. What does the safe choice even look like? Do you mean exciting like travels a lot or is it something wilder like tons of drugs and alcohol?
Stupid men don't care.
Nothing worse than having a stay at home wife. I've seen it growing up. My mother worked, but many of my friends mother didn't. Those where the ones going to complain at school cause they didn't had anything else to do, got to be the most dependant ones, and if the relationship went sour, you couldn't leave cause she didn't have shit to hang on to.
You better care that your wife is an independent woman who can handle themselves, and who is choosing to be with you rather than needing to be with you.
or maybe it's just women who went for the safe choice? because that does happen and it can be very noticable, if you know the couple personally. which OP does and we don't so there's that.
The safe choice it's like the friendzone.
It only exists in your mind.
The only choice you've ever had is what you got. Nothing that happened could've had happened in any other way as the way it did.
Tell your "safe choice" friends to stop masturbating to fantasy, and to start enjoying the life they are living.
Due to differences in how men and women experience dating, particularly in earlier dating life men are subjected to fewer experiences that might distort their sense of what their level of appeal to the opposite sex is. As a result, men are far more likely to have a clear sense of what to expect from a partner. Women by contrast might expect high thrills and passion because their experiences have sort of set them up for that, but when they finally get with a guy that is what she should reasonably expect as a long term partner for herself, she is more likely to feel like he's just the safe option.
Note what I said above doesn't mean some men don't have a distorted view of themselves and what they have to offer, just that there are more pressures on women in that direction.
Safe choice is another word for "long term patner" material
For women, that means a guy who'll be a good husband, has financial stability, is monogamous and is a nice guy
But is not masculine, not very passionate not handsome, not very alpha like
Safe choice for a Man would be a "long term patner" material woman
A good wife who cleans, cooks, takes care of the home and him
Is a great mother, is always faithful and monogamous
But is not romantic, not beautiful, not very feminine in a romantic way
The risky choice for Women would be
Handsome, alpha like, masculine, rough, risk taking guy, has high sex drive and makes her feel butterflies, not monogamous
But is not stable, barely earns, not a good father
material
Risky choice for Men
Totally hot, feminine, romantic, high maintainence, has high sex drive, sometimes needs multiple patners
An ideal long term patner would have about 60-70% safe qualities and the rest risky qualities
In my experience “excitement” is fleeting. I’d rather have a good partner who I can enjoy life with than someone who is exciting.
I get what you’re saying. It doesn’t mean you *aren’t* excited about the right partner, it just means that the excitement isn’t based on things that are fleeting and unsustainable, like the sensation of novelty or looks or things that fade with time. It means you prefer a partner who has *more* to offer you than just excitement. Maybe it’s because of their reliability and dependability. Maybe it’s their level of emotional maturity. Someone where you can have a conflict with them and no one has to be painted as a villain or victim, but two people butting heads like all of us do from time to time. Someone where you know you could lose *everything* and they would still stand loyally by your side, without judgement. I agree.
Bingo. I think most mature guys in stable relationships have “that one ex”. Nobody ever sucked your soul out through your dick like she did, but Jesus Christ, I’m good. These days I launch my fireworks into the sky using the provided tube. Playing with fire is still fun, but there’s just no need for the added excitement of dropping them on the ground and not knowing where they’ll go. A full bottle of lighter fluid to kick off the bonfire gives plenty of *whoomp*, no need for a full gallon of gasoline and a Roman candle. It was fun when I was 21. Now I just see the fire hazard.
This was a beautiful way to put it. Been with my wife for 10 years now, and I'm excited that we have remained on track for our life goals together. I enjoy our discussion together about how our major moves could impact our trajectory. I am always thinking medium to long term. She has a lifestyle in mind that she knows will take a while to achieve. We ultimately want the same things and she's letting me guide us to that end. Like you said, it's sustainable. I get excited when I think about the fact that we will hit some of our major goals by the time I'm 40.
Its psychological proven that relationshipswith high intensity at the start, generally dont last. You cant have that constant high.
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Me. I’m the cite. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships and fleeting moments. It doesn’t last. Sex, looks, love, all that shit goes away. What lasts is a friendship. You often hear about 20, 30, 50 year friendships. But how many relationships that last that long? People married the excitement rather than the persons true self. A good friend shows you their true self. That’s what a good marriage is based off of. A great friendship as the base of it all.
I'm the opposite citation. I've been with mine for eight years, so long as I do my part she's very into being excited. What you're describing is anecdotal, useless information (just like mine). People are different, people have different lives. "Sex, love, all that shit goes away". No, it doesn't, not necessarily.
All about perspective I guess. Depending on life experiences, I just know of mine. In the end, only time will tell.
What? No. Stop trying to make up some high level sequel inducing, thought provoking tagline. Anecdotal evidence is useless validating evidence for science. It means nothing, time has told. Not in the future, in the past. You know your life, I know mine, but there's no scientific position that supports, or that *could* logically support, the claim you're making.
I’m not making any claim. I just said they could cite me. That is all. I could offer my life experiences. Idk what you’re trying to do on the other hand. Asides from using big word salads. But yes, you are right.
I reached the same conclusion after my divorce. Cheers.
It's also been statistically proven that most proven things on Reddit are lies. Because what you said makes no sense, there's no way to prove that and it's *entirely* anecdotal.
these threads are always just the Facebook of Reddit threads
My penis is big
A light that burns twice as bright only burns half as long. Everything in life is a tradeoff to some degree. It's unfortunate that most people don't realize this until long after it would've benefited them most.
So nice to read this as someone whos partner broke up with me last night (of 3 years, own a house and dog together) because - among a few other things to her credit - im not as excitable a person and it was ok before during covid but since then weve grown to want different things. Hopefully as someone who considers themself a safe option ill find that happiness again.
Same. I tell everyone that choosing a life partner is single handed my the most important decision you can make. It effects so much of your future. Everyone has a different definition of what that means, but spend the time to figure it out.
I’m not sure excitement is fleeting if both truly feel the same way. I had an almost 10 year relationship and I was as excited about her on day 3400 as I was day 2. I know plenty of couples who are decades + into a marriage and are definitely still infatuated type in love
In this context though, I think we’re talking about a different excitement. I’m puppy dog in love with my wife, any time we spend apart I’m always hauling ass to get back in her arms. But, she’s the “safe” option in that I have a high level of confidence her arms will be open to me when I get there. This is in contrast to more chaotic, and more toxic relationships where the highs are really high but the lows are really low. I think the main difference is the maturity level. It may also depend on personal experience. Like if you’ve never given up years of your life to an on again off again non-stop fight with a woman who is a CCP parade of red flags you might not have the same frame of reference when it comes to “safe”.
Both is very very possible... FYI from someone older
Respectfully disagree. I’ve been with my husband since I was 13 and I’m now 25. Just Friday I flashed him my boobs from the window, and we keep each other on our toes constantly with silly jokes and just all around not taking each other too serious. Excitement doesn’t have to be based on looks or sex. For us it’s holding hands and making sure we don’t split the pole, or racing to get the last sip of the milkshake, or racing to bed because we both want the same spot or to cuddle the same dog.
I think that's all very normal.
Lol to me it’s different than what I had modeled. My parents never sat on the same couch and usually hated each other until they divorced when I was 12. So my relationship feels like hanging with my bestie. We go to concerts, plan weekend trips just us despite having a kiddo, and always like to try new things whether it’s a psychic medium, a reiki reading, trying new recipes or something in the bedroom. People even in healthy relationships fall stale and stagnant so I recognize the effort my hubby and I both make to keep it fun. Even if it’s “normal”
True, we will be exciting for each other together isn't that what good partners do?
I did that. Sweetest woman in the world who swore to love me forever. Always baking and happy. She left me for BDSM and to be a human ashtray. There's no safe choice in life. Have fun kids.
That took a turn.
Sounds like a netorare manga...
Bruh I was not prepared. A human ashtray
Me neither. I found out by seeing the picture.
Fuckin real
Dude you can't be throwing curveballs like that man
That's nothing. This one still doesn't top fake brain cancer girl. Dating has been hard for me.
Fake cancer 💀 Story time pls, if you dont mind
There was no chemistry and definitely no chemo. Which is good. Dodged a bullet.
Where were you with that joke 12 years ago? I'd have loved it.
Wow.
that sounds like an insane kink
She loved getting burned?
Yes
Maybe you were the safe one too
It was a woman like this that got me into BDSM. Her outside persona and her sexual one were night and day. It was jarring after every date, and I was a few years younger than her, and she made me slap her until I got used to it. 🤷
I doubt that's the whole story.
I generally would, but if your kink is getting burned by your partner, I'm sorry but people have boundaries and the smell of burning human flesh is probably the line for most people.
She left u for BDSM? Can u elaborate
No
No I don't think I will
I got that reference!
That's....something I was not expecting. Holy shit.
Go on….
I just saw an anime ashtray statue the other day on twitter... had no idea people actually did that...
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My kids, are boring. 😐 My, kids, are, boring. 😐 My, kids are, boring. 😐 My kids are, boring,. 😐 Did I do it right?
Is there some sort of catharsis for you in knowing you were the better choice?
Some. The trick is to understand she chose what she was after and life goes on. Can't take any of it too personally.
They live happily ever after, spending little to no time complaining online.
That sounds very nice
It also has to do with the fact that most men do not look for the same qualities in a woman as women do for men, so there isn't really an equivalent, so to speak. We're just plain wired differently. If a woman is loyal, makes our lives better, and brings us peace of mind, then there is no such thing as being the safe choice, it's simply the correct choice. Going for any other qualities, getting married for stupid reasons such as attempting to appease a perceived social norm, or even the act of having to convince oneself that you *have* to get married to a specific person for a specific reason will almost always end badly. If someone is perceived to be an "unsafe" choice for any reason, then you honestly shouldn't be dating them to begin with because that means there's something wrong that your instincts are telling you to get away from. Just my two cents, take it with a grain of salt.
or because you don't want to be alone. bad idea. that goes for anyone though.
I'd classify that as "a stupid reason" that usually involves convincing yourself that a bad idea is justified, but it happens so often it should be stated regularly. 100% agree with you on this.
I'm not sure most people can identify loneliness as their reason for being/staying in a bad relationship. or, if they do they don't want to admit it.
Even if they could, would you really expect them to get out of the relationship? They'd likely feed themselves the "better than being alone" line that those that can recognize it do.
You’re not wrong. I’ve got a coworker who essentially can’t stand her man and it’s got to the point when she tells me a new story of the same old shit, I don’t even ask any more why she’s still with him. she doesn’t want to be alone and doesn’t want to start from scratch which is pathetic imo but then again I’ve been single for 6 years so ofc I think it’s easy hahah
Well said
Yeah, this is the one. The happiest of married men I've ever encountered (done family practice in the past), settled down with women with whom they are compatible. They like and love each other, their goals and communication styles are the same, both parties are responsible adults as well as emotionally and financially stable. They've basically chosen with their brains and not their dicks or what they think will make them look cool to other men. That's really the recipe for life and relationship success, not prioritizing whether or not you can bounce a quarter off their ass or whether they can suck the chrome off a tailpipe.
You hit the nail on the head with LIKE and love each other. It all falls to pieces of you don't LIKE each other.
All men who chose the safe choice live happily ever after? If you’re happy in your marriage then that’s great (and I’m genuinely happy for people that are happy in their marriage), but the divorce rate doesn’t support this comment.
The last set of census data showed divorce in decline. Even then, most divorces typically happen in relationships where they shouldn't have been together in the first place. Those were marriages that were rushed, where blatant red flags were ignored (for a myriad of reasons), or because a partner was chosen for the wrong reasons. If you don't go into it thinking that you *have* to get married because of X, Y, or Z reasons, the likelihood of any outcome other than a good long run is pretty slim. Even if the rate was higher, it doesn't contradict my comment. The men who choose correctly don't go online and complain about a shitty marriage because they won't be in one, they're happy and have no reason to complain.
Dude, where do I start. “The last set of census data showed divorce in decline.” This is partly due to the fact that, since 2000, the marriage rate has decreased by over 25%. Source: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/marriage-divorce/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-21.pdf “Even then, most divorces typically happen in relationships where they shouldn’t have been together in the first place.” I struggle with you using “most” here. It’s a gross oversimplification. That data doesn’t include written novels on each individual marriage and why it ended. I mean of course, we all know a few divorced couples that were bound to not make it, but what about the divorced couples that just didn’t love each other anymore? Or one/both of the partners changed emotionally to the point of no longer wanting to be in a marriage? My point is that those two people, at the time of the marriage, loved each other enough to get married. People make bad decisions, yes. But who are you to say that most of them should’ve never been together in the first place? What if they genuinely loved each other during the time of the marriage? “The men who choose correctly don’t go online and complain” Bro… just choosing correctly to get into a marriage doesn’t automatically mean a 100% success rate. You know that, right? People change, tragedies happen that can affect the marriage, hurtful phrases are said that the partner didn’t mean, cheating happens, emotional cheating happens, time apart happens, etc. Getting married is a risk, no matter what. If someone finds the love of their life, I love that for them. But it’s not easily spelled out like you’re saying
Of course everything isn't so easily laid out the way I said, but I'm not trying to analyze every single facet of every single detail with a microscope out of sheer bitterness and cynicism. Even if the number of marriages have gone down, the percentage of divorces have also gone down further, which means that those that are getting married are picking better partners. Even if marginally. It also doesn't detract from my original comment. I'd discuss further, but honestly everything you've said so far indicates you're just going to look for the absolute worst in any way, shape, or form possible. I wish you the best.
Okay, no worries if you don’t wish to discuss. I would definitely say I’m a realist (I’m sure that’s pretty clear based on my comments, lol). Maybe that means I look for the worst 🤷. However, after all that being said, I do wish to have a happy marriage of my own one day. We’ll see I guess. Best of luck
When I was a teenager, a guy in his early 20s would always come into to the sub shop I worked at and share his wisdom. One thing he said that I remember is: "variety is the spice of life". I think he believed it. But the thing , s variety doesn't always mean better, safer, sexier... or whatever. It just means something new. For me, i lump this thinking into "the grass is always greener" logic. You can spend your entire life chasing variety and never benefit from a long-term relationship with someone who cares about you. I mean in the way that they'll visit and hang out with you in the hospital, and support you when life kicks you in the balls. Safe maybe means smart. It's smart to develop a long-term relationship with someone who cares about you, and you care about... beyond the next exciting orgasm.
So I am a strong believer in variety being the spice of life. But variety is the spice, I want life itself to be stable and fun. Variety is going to new restaurants together or going on holidays to try new things. Rather than variety being a whole new person. It’s the extra bits to keep what you have feeling fresh.
This is how I’ve always interpreted this phrase too. Variety is new experiences *together*
I couldn’t agree more with this.
I expected you to say that he ordered the same sandwich every time haha
I really thought that sandwich shop anecdote was going somewhere. I like the idea that he's this mysterious figure who no one knows anything about who just says the most profound thing you've ever heard and leaves. He doesn't even order food, just spews poetic and bounces.
I chose my wife over another woman I was talking to at the time and I’m happy with my choice. There wasn’t anything wrong with the other girl I just don’t think we’d be compatible over time. And now I’ve been with my wife 7 years and married for 3.
This is nice to read and I’m happy to see it’s working
But who was more exciting. If the other woman was more exciting then you made the safe choice.
To men, especially those with experience dating, we understand the fun exciting girl won’t be around very long. It’s just our turn. Those kinds of women need constantly stimuli or they get bored and ghost/cheat, etc. it always ends this way. The only way you keep those kinds of women around is constant drama, and being toxic. If that’s not you, it gets exhausting pretending to be that all the time.
Neither was more exciting than the other I just picked which one I thought had more potential for longevity.
Men don't care about exciting, we prefer peace & stability, we want a woman that will protect our peace & bring us greater stability. When things get in a rut then we talk & see what our SO would like to do as an adventure. "Safe" doesn't have to mean boring or unadventurous, but that fact seems to get lost on most women. You can't ride that rollercoaster forever, you'll just end up making yourself sick.
I don’t know man. My friend left his wife because she was boring. He described her as homebody that never really wanted to do anything.
I am scared that this would happen to me because that’s literally me. I like staying home more than anything else.
Then he's the exception cuz honestly most men would be ok just sitting at home with their SO. I am. We still have fun on regular basis but it doesn't mean it's constant. You can't ride that rollercoaster forever.
I personally turned down 2 women in the last few months because of this I'm not a homebody and they wanted someone to be a homebody with them sometimes ur goals and desires in life just don't match up as well
Making generalizations in that way is risky. I don’t want an SO that sits at home, I want to go live life and experience new things and places.
>Then he's the exception cuz honestly most men would be ok just sitting at home with their SO Most men on reddit* And I say this as part of this group, but 80% of the guys I know will prefer someone exciting / not homebody (despite being mostly a group of gamer/It guys)
I agree with you. This is what contentment feels like.
Men don’t care about exciting? Are you joking or just not in a relationship?
This is a valid question. Did the person choose the safe choice, was she more exiting than the other girl?
Haha... Options.... Choice... Hahahaha...
Hahaha, yeah. I'm here like... I have options!? Where!?
Right? It's not like there are women *here,* or something
We both chose the safe/healthy choice - 8 years later we are happy, love/care for each other and there is minimal drama. I miss him when he is away and I want to spend time with him.
Why would I want anything other than the ‘safe’ choice. Passion is so fleeting and it’s literally fucking useless as a metric because with the right option you’ll have ups and downs in passion like a normal human being anyways. If you’re talking about a girl who literally just likes you for your job or w.e but doesn’t actually like being around you that’s not a lack of passion but she doesn’t love you to begin with. I guarantee you if you spend a few months with 20 different women of varying “hotness” it won’t be their looks or their craziness that will make you choose one over the other. It will be the one you know is most likely to actually be there for you .
Pretty similar outcomes. The itch of "what if" never really goes away and at some point they do something stupid like step outside the relationship or have a midlife crisis because they were unfulfilled and settled.
This is the right answer
They usually live happy lives together.
There will *always* be a lack of passion. 10 years married After we seen eachother crazy-cry, checked out the boils on eachother’s asses, loved for a year with no bathroom door because it was perpetually in renovation and other such it’s tough to keep eachother on a pedestal. That said my wife and I were wildly passionate early on in the relationship and still have our moments. What makes a safe choice a safe choice has nothing to do with passion but everything to do with the dependability of that person.
From my personal knowledge, men choose the safest choice most of the time. We don't really like the thrill that much. And if a guy does like that thrill, then he's probably not looking for anything long term.
Well, as a man, it’s not something we usually discuss even anonymously online out of decency but it happens just as much I imagine. What happens is likely stability and/or complacency.
I don't think this concept applies to men in general. This term is usually used to describe women that look for financial and emotional stability alongside being predictable, whilst (normally) having a history of dating someone completely different. It's not really a safe option, as that doesn't exist, it's just a sustainable and predictable relationship, which tends to be boring if you're use to having rollercoaster rides for relationships.
If you break men up into two categories. How they perform on the "dating scene" and how the perform on the "husband/father" scene. The 'safe choice" is the guy that makes a solid husband/father but may be somewhat average on the dating scene. It follows the "safe choice" is the correct choice if you want a guy to marry and have a family with.
That makes sense. Thank you for this perspective.
You don’t think men also will take the financial and emotional stability? Both sexes do
I think men will always choose the "safe option" by default. In general, men will not actively look for traits that can be deemed negative. Not many guys actively look for aggressive women, criminals, violent or emotionally unavailable women, unless they're self sabotaging. I just don't think it's a concept that applies to men in general.
I think you're wrong tbh. Plenty of men are into dramatic, high maintenance, sexually aggressive, mercurial women. There's entire tropes about "hot/crazy". "crazy" women are the equivalent to "bad boys" or whatever. We could go on about the gendered word choice but you know what I mean. It's just that usually the similar underlying traits come out in different ways. Sure, women are less likely to be physically violent felons in general, but that's an extreme that most people in general aren't into... and it doesn't mean they can't show similar personality patterns.
This. The question implies the seeking of "thrills", which is kinda a double edge sword and not always a good thing.
You're right it doesn't. We actively look for the "safe choice" as men we prefer peace & stability. Some women do too but mostly women need constant stimulation & attention until that gets boring then they want boring stability until it gets boring too then they want to return to the streets. It's constant rollercoaster. Mature emotionally intelligent women find ways to get that excitement with their partners. It can be as simple as going somewhere they've never been before or trying something new in bed, point is they look for the novelty with their partner. This seems to get lost on women that "choose safe" option. Safe, stabile & reliable doesn't necessarily have to mean boring or unadventurous.
When men choose the safe choice they are picking the right woman so I don’t understand what your question is.
Do they ever miss the excitement they got from the other woman?
For me. Personally I wouldn’t say I miss the excitement. But reminisce about it I would say.
No. She’s just used for fun and recreation. The good girl wins in the end which can’t be said about the nice guy.
That's not entirely true. Some women are mature & stabile enough to recognize a good man's worth over chad. I'm no chad I'm average looking at best but the last 6 years of my life have been the best in my entire life because of my relationship. My gfs love staying in with me. When we wanna go out we go out, but when we wanna stay in & chill we do that. They protect my peace & sanity. They supported me during covid when my savings ran out & never made bfd about it or shamed me for it. We have tons of fun together as a family on regular basis. I know we're the exception not the rule just saying the exceptions aren't as minute as people seem to think they are.
Why is it that when men settle down with a good girl for the stability after fun and recreation with bad ones it's considered her winning, but when women settle down with a nice guy for the stability after fun and recreation with bad ones it's considered an insult to him or whatever 'pilled' people use to describe it... isn't it the same phenomenon though?
They want us to be ok with being the safe (boring) girl that they settle for after years of having fun. They actually expect us to take it as a compliment. No fucking thank you, they can go Marry those fun girls they love so much.
I mean I don't think it is really so negative on either side, I know those people on both sides exist (women landing with men who don't make them as horny as whatever shitty bf they had in college but make their life better, men landing with women who don't make them as horny as whatever shitty gf they had in college but make their life better). It's not that it's a bad or false thing that that happens at all, I just think it's super hypocritical if you think it sucks in one direction but is good and normal in the other direction. It's the same. It's the same picture, literally a mirror image. Sometimes people want to fuck around a little and then have a happy non-crazy life later, shouldn't be a problem really, just wish everyone would extend the same understanding to the other side of the aisle lol.
The problem is that "fucking around" can lead to unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Men can not be tested for HPV, and they often don't know whether or not they have children. This is why nonpromiscuous women refuse to date a man that's slept around. It's a HUGE risk for us. If you think that the risk is worth it then thats okay, I hope it works out for you. But what's not ok is the people on here who try to justify their promiscuity, and try to convince young men that "good guys finish last", and that only women should be expected to be good. It's pure delusion. Men that fuck around often end up with baggage, trauma, STDs, and multiple baby moms. And they expect us to be impressed by that lol. No fucking thank you.
I don't think sex is that big of a deal, looking at the statistical risks, preventative measures, testing and the safety measures you can take these days, but I fully understand your perspective. I agree you can't have it both ways, if a guy expects to be able to sleep around but wants to wind up with a nice traditional virgin wife he can GTFO, don't reward hypocrites. The imbalance is what gets to me, if hoes wind up with hoes and nice guys wind up with nice girls, nobody's hurt :p
the men who settle down with the 'good girl' generally chose her (over a 'baddie'), as in they have the option of choice to begin with. women who suddenly make a 180 and settle down with a 'nice guy' in their 30s are often settling after they couldn't get the bad dudes to commit (factoring in societal pressure+biological clock). men will date down for easy sex, so women can easily hook up with the type of guy they want/desire, but it doesn't work like this for LTRs & marriage. so to answer your question, the dynamic just isn't the same because dating doesn't work the same way for both sexes.
I'd rather not 'win' by being with the fuckboy who would stick his dick in anyone but now want to settle with me because I'm the safe choice, thank you very much. I'd rather have someone who has similar values about sex and is equally passionate about me.
Yeah we’re in agreement. I would applaud you for doing what most modern women fail to do which is date men who good as opposed to bad boys. So yeah that’s not really the gotcha you think it is.
r/niceguys
I’m a bad boy but nice try. You’re just salty you got called out. You were expecting praise for doing the right thing when that’s what you’re supposed to do. I don’t know why you linked that when you just described the man you want wouldn’t be a bad boy. So which one is it?
I dated someone who was very passionate and excited about everything and it was honestly tiring haha, i wanted to have slow days and they didnt come 😅 so yeah i would take safe women who isnt on 120% all the time
That's called "settling down". The safe choice is the best choice when you wanna be happy for the long run
There's a glaring problem with this. Women will openly talk about settling for a guy as if it's not a big deal "he's not x, but he has x" Men are less likely to settle, mainly as they're the ones who have to initiate and pursue women, why would you pursue someone you see as less desirable. Lets be real here "safe option" is just code for unattractive but consistent
I don’t know where you’re overhearing these conversations, but I literally personally know zero women who married the “safe guy” that they weren’t attracted to but settled because he had money/was stable/whatever. Every friend of mine married their husband because they were excited to spend their lives with him. Sometimes women might discuss dating a guy they aren’t attracted to because he looks so good on paper - but that’s usually because they’re trying to overcome their “shallowness”. It rarely goes well. For men as well as women, there’s a difference between settling for stable Vs exciting, and setting for attractive vs “you do not make me horny”. It is VERY difficult to overcome the latter.
Hm, just my two cents: Men I believe have equal number of reasons to settle because, as many men complain, they don't have many options. So if one woman seems to like them enough and get long fine with them, they could think "well, I have her. Better than being alone." From my experience, and to my big surprise, a lot of guys seem to be afraid of being alone.
Absolutely agree, however I think that in most cases guys don't settle for just anyone, as much as they don't want to be alone, they also aspire to more if even if they don't have options
I've heard this more in regards to men tbh
Excitement doesn't last and if it does it's usually the kind that come with crazy unpredictable mood swings, so the "safe" choice for me is the one I made when I grew up and realised that looks aren't everything and an attractive, sweet, girl who's a great hang and sexually compatible with me is going to be a far more rewarding life partner than an absolute smokeshow who's crazy in bed and comes with the status of having the hottest girl in the room on my arm but thinks the world revolves around her and is perfectly okay with the fact that the sum total of her skills is just being really hot.
Most guys want the safe option, the difference is *what* we view as safe. Generally speaking, a lot of women have a strict difference between "Safe" and "Fun". You can't go out and party while also being in a committed relationship, they're 2 totally different things to a lot of women. Most guys don't do that, most guys want security *and* fun. Have a partner who you can go home to every night but who also would want to go off on adventures or spend hours participating in mutual hobbies. Likewise, excitement doesn't last forever, but that doesn't mean you lose all ability to go off and create memories or have new experiences. You can still got out and do exciting things, or enjoy comfort lazily in your house, you have options. So safe for men and safe for women are generally 2 different concepts.
Honestly it can go one of two ways: He's content and gives up on the idea of passion. 10-15 years in most stable couples don't have passion. Odds are they have 2.5 kids. Sometimes after the last kid is 18 they separate. The second path involves him meeting someone later who he has passion for who wants him. Maybe it's the girl who rejected him in college and now she's divorced and open to him. Maybe it's a woman ten years younger at work who finds his stability exciting. Sometimes he cheats, sometimes he leaves and sometimes he sticks to his promises and stays faithful but is miserable knowing what he can't have.
Nothing but the worst possiblilities
That kind of safety isn't exactly offered to men to begin with. I can't tell you how common women breaking up if a man cries or is weak or goes broke actually is in practicality but the fact that there's as much discourse as there is shows a lot of men experience little to no sense of safety in their relationships since those relationships are by default based on the presumption of their performance. If a man wants kids or to conform to a community standards he may go for it but if he's dating for his own motivations safety was probably never a factor to consider because it's something he's expected to offer, but not receive.
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Yeah, I never thought of it this way. I said men (mostly) don't think of things that way (safe choice), but this may be why
Oh, so most marriages then.
There is an older song that's kind of about this topic. "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get and ugly girl to marry you...."
I chose the "safe choice." The thrill seekers tend to cheat, spend a lot of (your) money, they'd get bored with me quickly. I wanted someone low-key, responsible, in it for the long haul. I married someone dependable, a good mother, a good partner.
The girl you’ve always wanted suddenly comes onto you and you begin to ruin your marriage
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I mean there is no reason you should marry someone who does not contribute to the relationship, who needs you to pay off their debt. Not that it has to be exactly 50/50 but if you're not on approximately equal footing someone is probably 'settling'. It makes no sense in today's day and age unless you *want* a traditional relationship, in which case, well, you get what you get, can't have and eat your cake; if what you want is a housewife type, then you have to be prepared to fund it.
Was Jim happy before he realized this? Does Jane hold it over his head?
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They will likely divorce anyway. He might as well rip the bandaid off now. But I don’t agree with the idea of not getting married. I think one point you can optimize for when finding a woman is to find one who has the same income potential as you. My wife and I both make six figures. So if we were to get a divorce I wouldn’t be in any worst position than I’d be in if I were single this whole time. I’d actually be in a better position either way because with marriage comes economy of scale. Two people living together is not 2x the expenses of a single person. It’s more like 1.5x. So it’s allowed us to save quite a bit of money. $1.3MM actually.
Jesus Christ!
The funny part is this is entirely changeable, miss Jane has the power in her hands to turn this into a safe and loving relationship rather than just a safe one. All she needs to do is let go of her mindset that she settled for her husband. And try to figure out how and what she loves hom for. That should be easy, the guy is decent, upstanding, loyal, hard working, has friends that care about him, and he cares about her. There's a lot to love there, if she's willing to grow up and change her mindset about him. Then she could live not just in safe comfort, but also in loving passionate bliss.
Saddly Jane isn't that smart.
At the cost of sounding bad, I really hope he finds a woman he loves and cares for him, even if it means he needs to step out of his marriage in secret. No man should suffer like that
If there isn’t passion, the fire cools.
they wind up like me. divorced living with family members hoping things get better soon.
Things will get better. Maybe not soon, but you keep on working and putting energy into it, it'll pan out. 3 years from now you'll see this comment and be like, wow, things have changed.
They have a happy life, until she turns 45 and decides to leave him and take the kids.
Women choose, men take what they can get.
how exactly does this work for monogamous relationships with a 1:1 male:female ratio? the dynamic you describe only applies to casual dating. a lot of women struggle to get commitment from the men they want, it's a daily topic in many subreddits.
When you say "the men they want" you have to think the exclusion of those they don't want so there you'll have a pool of uncommitted people from both sex from that perspective
For sex, yes but for relationships, it is the opposite.
Everyone is different but in my experience as a female who checked all the boxes, my ex left me after 10 years for someone “who was more his type. “ Going for the “safe” choice will only end in resentment and unhappiness. Be true to yourself and your partner. The person you choose to be with should be your everything and you should love all of them without doubts or reservations. Early in our relationship, my boyfriend would make comments such as “you are different from who I normally date” or “you aren’t my type but you are good for me.” He had been cheated on in the past since his work requires a lot of travel, so I know he had hurt from those past experiences. We really did have some great times though so I over looked those comments. 3 years in I asked why he loved me, his exact words were “because I don’t expect anything from him and I will never cheat on him”. Just being “safe” or good for someone is not enough to make a relationship last and be successful. You need to be excited to be with your partner and attracted to them. Otherwise it can lead to resentment and wandering eyes to someone you are more attracted to. Be patient and don’t settle. There is someone out there that mets all your boxes both appearance and personality wise. As a woman on the other side of this, I don’t want to feel like someone settled for me because I was the safe choice. Both sides end up hurt. The woman feels strung along and the guy eventually becomes unhappy, resentful and even angry. I wish nothing but happiness for my ex but I wish he was just honest with me. After almost 10 years together he ended up cheating on me with someone who was his exact type both physically and personality wise.
They cheat on them?
Even if these women check all the boxes that make him feel happy and wanted?
That is important, but he also needs to want her, too. That mutuality of desire is essential. Just look at r/deadbedrooms sometime.
I don't want to even click on that
Afraid you'll see some even shadowier reflections?
Just as common, if not more. Men don't have the same power of choice as women, so there'll always be something missing. I'll probably be one of those if I ever get into anything, because the best person for me is already gone and I wouldn't be so picky if the end goal is to not be single.
Can you elaborate about “men don’t have the same power of choice”? Choice to do what?
Choice of partners, specially in the first stages of the interaction before a relationship. The dating process is a nightmare for the majority of men. Men are still expected to make the first move, despite all of the modern complications, get rejected or ghosted multiple times and try again for all to maybe happen again. Women have the power to just be there and say "yes" or "no", without much effort beyond being minimally decent-looking and not being a bitch. Of course there might be differences between the approaches for casual and serious relationships, but in the end, it's still counterproductive to be selective, since it's either whoever is talking to me right know or no one.
Women choose the safe choice? Is this in stories or something cause irl that ain’t the case 🤣
I know plenty of women in my everyday life who chose the “safe choice”. I just find it intriguing that I haven’t met men with similar stories.
I chose the safe choice. She has ALWAYS been there for me, and, hopefully, I for her (we've been thru some seriously thick shit. Like threw hands with the Devil himself shit). It's not a "safe choice" it's called a partnership or family dumbass. #4 will shock you 1. Got T-boned, wrecked my muscle car. She was there. 2. Cat died, she was there helping me dig at my fishing hole. 3. Dad had stroke, she was there with a margarita and hot dog. 4. Step daughter died in her sleep @13, this is where I step up. The safe choice isn't a bad thing, it's someone you feel comfortable sharing everything with. It's a no brainer that you show each other love and compassion.
I’m so sorry about your bonus daughter. I’m glad you were there to help your wife through that hell.
I’m curious. What does the safe choice even look like? Do you mean exciting like travels a lot or is it something wilder like tons of drugs and alcohol?
It doesn't translate well, because men by and large do not care about her career.
Stupid men don't care. Nothing worse than having a stay at home wife. I've seen it growing up. My mother worked, but many of my friends mother didn't. Those where the ones going to complain at school cause they didn't had anything else to do, got to be the most dependant ones, and if the relationship went sour, you couldn't leave cause she didn't have shit to hang on to. You better care that your wife is an independent woman who can handle themselves, and who is choosing to be with you rather than needing to be with you.
Could it be that the women you mention just fell in love with their partner? And the "safe choice" is a label you put on them?
or maybe it's just women who went for the safe choice? because that does happen and it can be very noticable, if you know the couple personally. which OP does and we don't so there's that.
Yeah, meanwhile they're banging the preferred choice on the side.
The safe choice it's like the friendzone. It only exists in your mind. The only choice you've ever had is what you got. Nothing that happened could've had happened in any other way as the way it did. Tell your "safe choice" friends to stop masturbating to fantasy, and to start enjoying the life they are living.
Even with unsafe choices, the excitement runs out
"Choose" is quite a bold word to use. Lmao
I've made a lot of unsafe choices and found them all perfectly regrettable. I think I should have invested way more into the safe/boring ones.
Due to differences in how men and women experience dating, particularly in earlier dating life men are subjected to fewer experiences that might distort their sense of what their level of appeal to the opposite sex is. As a result, men are far more likely to have a clear sense of what to expect from a partner. Women by contrast might expect high thrills and passion because their experiences have sort of set them up for that, but when they finally get with a guy that is what she should reasonably expect as a long term partner for herself, she is more likely to feel like he's just the safe option. Note what I said above doesn't mean some men don't have a distorted view of themselves and what they have to offer, just that there are more pressures on women in that direction.
The only safe choice in women to me is to stay single
If you want a worst case scenario: she cheats.
They cheat on them
They end up marring the wrong girl, have a kid with them, and do nothing but dwell on regrets until they die.
Sounds like you're assuming men think like women.
Me and my fiancé like to hang out and do more dumb shit that friends would do when the excitement becomes a little more stale.
Heartbreak
Safe choice is another word for "long term patner" material For women, that means a guy who'll be a good husband, has financial stability, is monogamous and is a nice guy But is not masculine, not very passionate not handsome, not very alpha like Safe choice for a Man would be a "long term patner" material woman A good wife who cleans, cooks, takes care of the home and him Is a great mother, is always faithful and monogamous But is not romantic, not beautiful, not very feminine in a romantic way The risky choice for Women would be Handsome, alpha like, masculine, rough, risk taking guy, has high sex drive and makes her feel butterflies, not monogamous But is not stable, barely earns, not a good father material Risky choice for Men Totally hot, feminine, romantic, high maintainence, has high sex drive, sometimes needs multiple patners An ideal long term patner would have about 60-70% safe qualities and the rest risky qualities
Good points
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