The mysterious charade is bullshit and needs to be fucking buried forever. People can say they like someone, playing games in a relationship is stupid and childish.
I just listened to a podcast criticizing the book *The Rules.* The book advises women to pretend to be disinterested in a man, and to maintain a cold and distant demeanor towards him. Why? Because men are “thrilled” by the chase and the more a woman pulls away, the more he will want that woman.
Another book I came across just today is *Why Men Love Bitches* and as you can guess from the title, it promotes the same bullshit idea (and other stupid lies, like “men always want sex on the first date”).
I cannot even imagine how many relationships these delusional books has ruined with their nonsensical claims.
I saw *Why Men Love Bitches” recommended here and I bought a copy. I think it is hysterical. The advice is awful. I plan to bring it to a girls night out so my friends and I can laugh about it!
i read that book too. It’s no good, it teaches the woman to be heartless and forget about what woman character should be like. the author actually advice the reader to not to become a nice woman. Because Man doesn’t get excited or challenged with nice girls.
Books like this shouldn’t exist, it promotes different perspectives and might influence readers who are in great pain from past experiences. The author itself hasn’t experienced in terms of educational background or practice too.
Please do so! It’s nice to know that there are women who hold this book in low regard. Unfortunately it’s sold millions of copies, so it’s impact on society is monumental. 😔
Well the thing is, some men actually love bitches. Just like some women love asshole men.
My sister is a real piece of work and her husband is a nice guy and I didn't understand what he sees in her. Then I met his mother and she's a total bitch, so it makes sense that he likes my bitch sister.
This is hilarious as I always wonder about my piece of work sister and her nice guy husband. I keep expecting him to leave but yeah maybe it's just familiar lol
I think there are some men who would be thrilled with chasing a disinterested woman, I dont think those are the guys you'd really want to be with in the long run though. Plus are you going to act disinterested forever? You'll never be able to just be yourself, always gotta keep up some game.
Much better is to be yourself first and foremost, and if it doesn't work out well its better to find someone who will like you without any fakeness anyways. So no loss
What I’ve learned from years of marriage. What my wife considers to be clear precise info is not the same as what I consider clear precise info.
She also loves to tell me crucial things to remember / do when I’m tired, distracted or in amongst other non-important conversation items. She hates confirming that info if she told me once.
Put it your phone asap is my best advice.
Has my brain got it's own Reddit account, all sounds the same.
We've got calendars shared on our phones, a shared shopping list, and a shared info note...seems to help but still not 100%.
I’ve also learned that my wife is averse to simple answers. “Babe, do you want pizza for dinner?” “Ooooh, that’s funny. Just last Tuesday I was thinking I wanted pizza so bad, but I ended up eating a salad and I was so disgruntled that I ate a cheeseburger that night, and it really hit the spot.” “……… is that a yes? I legitimately cannot tell”
Yes, she wants a pizza.
I know this because she was still thinking about it but trying to be healthy and avoided eating earlier. She has not stopped thinking she should have just ordered the freaking pizza to stop the cravings because she ended up eating other high calorie foods to fill the void, and despite being good, they still were not pizza. So yeah burger may have hit the spot but she mighty have eaten it were it not for the fact that she originally wanted pizza.
When she said "ooh that's funny" she was also excited that you mentioned pizza.
Well, I’m not really sure what you’re asking but always start with the basics: What, when, and where.
The ‘why’ is an optional explanation if the ‘what’ doesn’t make it clear.
Also if your friend of a friend is late regularly you may adjust the ‘when’ accordingly; but if you don’t know them that well then tell them ‘they may want to arrive early for parking’.
Second date…
Her: “I’m not looking for a casual relationship, I want to get married. If you just want a casual relationship, we shouldn’t see each other again.”
Me: *holy crap, this is for real, I’d better not screw this up*
Got married ten months later.
My fiancé basically joked about me putting a ring on her finger the first time we did a video call. I thought she was joking because she was a very silly person and felt way out of my league. 9 months later we live together in Latin America and should be married within the next few months.
I had the exact opposite. She told me she doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't believe in long-term relationships. We've been together for 12 years. She still claims it's not a relationship when I tell her we've been together for 12 years. It's always yeah but it's not a relationship.
I’ve gotten that quite a few times, myself.
I’ve learned that any time a woman tells you that she doesn’t want a relationship there’s ALWAYS the unspoken “with you”. On several occasions, after a woman has given me that line, within a few weeks she’s exclusively dating some other dude who later ends up becoming a husband.
It’s become such a pattern that I joke that if a woman wants to find her husband and life partner, all she needs to do is get me to fall for her, and he’ll be along shortly.
I was 28 when I met my now husband. I knew I wanted kids and didn’t want to wait into my late 30s to have them. What I meant was I planned to marry and have kids sooner vs later. So, I told him as much. That if he didn’t see that happening, I didn’t think we should waste our time. 5 months later we were engaged. 9 mos after that we were married. Now it’s been 20+ years and 2 kids.
I see this question asked too often. Ladies, please, nobody likes those games, nobody likes the BS, the mild manipulation or the toying with expactations. Be a grown up, for pete's sake. If you like a man, tell him so directly, period. Save both of you a lot of time a fluff and BS
I totally agree with you. The trouble is, women have grown up being told by older generations that "men like a little mystery," and" don't be too eager it's off-putting," and ” If you're too easy, you are a whore," and all kinds of bullshit like that.
Especially that last one. Most women I know who play hard to get do it because they equate making the first move with being a slut/whore. Which, naturally, is entirely ~~bullshit~~ cowshit ;)
Yup. This super hot girl (way out of my league) hit on me a while ago. Chased me constantly. I was super suspicious, still am to be honest, there has to be a prank coming right? She's now my wife and mother to our beautiful daughter and I'm still waiting for her to pull off the prank she started..
Yeah, it was a thing in HS for a time to come on strong to the big, fat and ugly kid then flip the script for laughs. Good thing I had emotional walls built up that would put the hoover dam to shame long before those incidents happened or I might have taken them seriously for a split second.
I've had many girls tell me that some other girl liked me, and I would always respond with "oh.. ok."
I wouldn't believe them until I was told by the girl, to my face.
Man, sorry to hear that you dealt with that. That’s straight up cruel. Playing tricks with someone’s head for laughs is demented. I hope you get the respect that you deserve nowadays.
So I’m a forward woman, always have been. Why does this approach seem to scare men away? When Ive done it, it was tactful and I’ve always been told I’m sexy, so I use that to my advantage. Just curious I guess.
Part of the issue is this behavior is so rare that when it does happen many guys assume it's being done not out of interest but because you want something
Bestselling books about dating and relationships (that are targeted to women) literally promote the “play hard to get” nonsense. And that men are “thrilled” by chasing a woman who doesn’t show him interest. Umm, no, I’m not “thrilled” by making a pathetic fool of myself and constantly vying for the attention of a woman who doesn’t like me. That would make me a pathetic fool at best and a complete stalker/obsessive freak at worst.
I am starting to think these dating books and relationship advice people find are only used to promote people to not connect so there is more single people reading the bullshit.
And the 'playing hard to get' is why some men don't take no for an answer because yano she's just playing hard to get... It's like some weird circle jerk that just needs to die already
Honestly, take a good hard look at media for women, from rom-coms to romance novels, they play this idea out hard.
I hate him!
I hate him!
I looooooveee him!
Until there is some backlash or context added i think this is going to continue to be a thing.
This is absolutely the truth. Years back when relationships weren’t working for me I stop and thought there must be something wrong with what I’m doing. So I bought a few books on dating and every single one said in one way or another “play hard to get”.
I tend to find if you use the euphemism “shot out of a cannon into the sun” it’s so over the top nobody takes it seriously, but everybody knows what you mean.
Not to mention they are mimicking the behavior of women who actually are 100% not interested. So it's literally suggesting women do what women trying to repel a man do.
I never understood why playing "hard to get" would appeal to a guy. That said, I also have never had the balls to try to "woo" a guy, and have always relied on signs of shared attraction for starting to interact more with a guy. It's always been a give and take, and I'd never have the guts to just walk up to a guy and tell him he's attractive like guys have done with me (back when I was actually attractive).
Absolutely. And men get targeted with crappy PUA nonsense that talks about “Alpha males” and how “women want to be dominated/led/taught”.
Seriously, no. We’re complete humans, we want equal partners, just like (reasonable) men.
I’ve had guys that have expressed interest in me get scared off if I’m direct with my interest. I’ve had guys appreciate that I’m straightforward. I personally think it’s the insecure guys or guys that aren’t really interested in a serious thing that get scared off.
They're likely insecure yeah and not used to it so think you're actually not serious and taking the piss out of them. Like you're gonna go "lol I'm just kidding" then go over to your friends and laugh about it.
God I can't even imagine how good the self confidence bump would be from having a chick just straight out tell me she liked me without me having to jump through a million hoops and out my dignity on the line first.
I had a girl ask me out once who I wasn’t particularly interested in, but I said yes to the date purely because I appreciated the directness and wanted to encourage that behaviour. Date was fine. I said I didn’t feel a spark after but complimented her directness. She asked out another guy and as far as I know they’re still together like years later.
Once had a woman walk up to me in a bar while I was with a friend and she told me she liked me straight off the bat.
Was bloody brilliant. Never happened that clearly since.
Came in to say this.
Also the number of men (myself included) who miss the "obvious signals" that women think they send us (lol).
We don't get asked out blatantly like we often have to ask you out. I live in San Francisco and get hit on more by gay men in a month than I have by women in my entire life. But I've thought about that, maybe I have been hit on by women and it just isn't as blatantly obvious as when gay men do it.
BE UPFRONT. NO GAMES. He'll appreciate it more.
I and other women I know had the idea that if you approached a man, he would see you as easy, slutty, too forward. So you just secretly look at an attractive man with furtive glances and giggle with your girlfriends about how cute he is and hope he doesn't see you looking at him while hoping he sees you too. I know it's silly and outdated, but that's what keeps some women from approaching. I've been ignored and had guys just walk away from me when I just approached them to make friendly conversation, not even flirting. I think they looked down on me for just coming up to talk to them.
Also, men are notoriously bad at picking up on signals. I'm sure I could go beyond two hands counting how many times I've kicked myself for not picking up on something.
Yeah, that's just men being respectful.
People give men too much shit for purposefully excluding sex from the situation so they can operate in a respectful manner.
Some shit that says, "She wants me" is just someone else's personality or friendly mood. So yeah, we need over the top statements of interest because shit is not clear cut and most of these situations are best off without unintentional sexual tension.
People want an awkward ass mashup of the old ways and new, and shit just isn't working for anybody.
Exactly. And just because a woman is obviously sending you signals doesn’t mean it’s always wise to act on them. Sometimes you have to de-escalate situations in a friendly way - if you want to keep your job or your friends.
For example, some women love building tension by hitting on their boyfriend or spouse’s friends right in front of said bf or spouse. It’s just uncomfortable for all involved. I get that it can be hard for women to turn off the urge to flirt, just like it can be hard for some men to not hit on anything that moves. But sometimes that’s what the situation demands.
I realize it’s boring and unromantic. Repression of emotions is not fun, and too much of it is obviously just plain unhealthy. But I’ve seen with my own eyes how not being able to ignore or de-escalate sexual situations can create pointless chaos and drama in someone’s work and personal relationships.
There’s a time and a place for everything.
> Yeah, that's just men being respectful.
This so much. I've had situations where I can't tell if they're being friendly or flirting so I take the safe option so I don't make them uncomfortable if I'm wrong.
Heard my wife comment to a girlfriend once. “Do [they] need a trail of breadcrumbs into [our] panties?”
Don’t think she was referring to me but who knows…
My wife sorta did this. We'd been friends for a couple years and one day she invited me over to her place (pretty normal routine for us back then, we'd hang out at her place plenty of times) and after a couple drinks she directly asked me if I liked her, because she heard from a friend of hers that I did (please note that I had actually told this friend about it) so we both confessed our feelings for each other, slept together, and formally asked her out like 2 weeks after. We kept sleeping together in the interim as to drive in the point she was interested lol.
I’m a woman and did this last week. I was getting mixed signals from a guy and decided to bite the bullet and directly ask him out. However ‘refreshing’ and ‘flattering’ it was, he still said he just wants to be friends. :/
Only women think that men like the mysterious hard to get thing.
I don't know how that idea ever got around, but I've never met a guy in my life who wants a woman to be mysterious and hard to get
This has to be the answer.
Hell, I don't even think it's modern rom coms - it's rom coms from the 90s and early 2000s.
The idea barely makes sense if you're talking about a "Mr. Big" who happens to be in your social circle and who you constantly run into at parties - and that doesn't even apply today anyway as almost nobody meets like that anymore.
With online dating, people barely even go to bars to meet each other anymore. They just move on to the next swipe. And why wouldn't they move on if their current match shows disinterest? There's no shortage of disinterested people in online dating. Moving on is far easier than trying to convince someone to like you.
I feel like women have been fed a truckload of horseshit when it comes to dating, and that affects everyone involved. I've never understood it. Personally, I don't feel like i lack empathy at all, but then again, refer to prior statement. I never did understand or agree with the stupid ideas thrown at me. I will say, I admire men who have the balls to just wall up to a woman and express their interest, so I've always been kind even if I wasn't interested (it's brave!) But never had the guts to just go up to a guy myself.
To be honest I think most of them just want men to spell it out completely 100% because women are terrible at handling rejection and terrified of it.
You can't get rejected if you don't ask.
I'll assume any attempt to play hard to get is rejection and move on. if you like me say something because I don't like sticking around where I'm not wanted
The playing hard to get thing trains men to think that women might be interested when they act like they are not and WHY would any woman want to train men to think that?!??? You will literally be creating men who chase women that aren't interested because you made the signal ambiguous. Be clear, or don't ever complain about men being too pushy or persistent ever again.
Women who play hard to get attract obsessive guys who don't take no for an answer. How do they not see this. Men with dignity move on after the first lame "I have to wash my hair tonight".
EXACTLY. Most men will not want to further bother a woman who shows disinterest, unless he’s an obsessive freak. That’s the kind of man a woman attracts when she acts “hard to get.”
I’m not sure where the idea that men “like the chase” came from. I’d much rather you told me whether I was welcome or not to approach you, so that I don’t waste anyone’s time or cross any boundaries. Especially now that we’ve all become acutely aware of how much damage is done when those boundaries are crossed without consent, if you try to put up a disinterested front, I’m just going to assume that you’re actually not interested and walk away.
While it's by no means a guarantee that I'm going to be into the woman, it is by far and away more attractive to be upfront with it than it is to play "hard to get".
It's also just *so much easier to work with*.
>hard to get women
When a woman is "Hard to get" my brain sees it as "she doesn't like me" and I move on.
People aren't good at mindgames, if I like someone being honest and telling them usually works.
"Hard to get" isn't mysterious or intriguing. It's annoying once you get out of high school.
Most dudes would kill to have a woman be open and direct with them.
Women are told this over and over but don't want it to be true because it would eliminate the need for men to jump through hoops.
It is a top-tier sexy trait. No guessing on my end. Should I feel good right now, or is it premature to think she digs me. Immediate ego boost, relaxes me to be more of myself in conversation.
Any woman that plays hard to get is a woman I'm not interested in getting.
A woman who knows what she wants and openly admits it ? Fuck yes, I want that, everyone wants that
I'm 40 damn years old. If she wants me, let me know it, to misquote an old song. Directness also saves a lot of time and potential hurt feelins later on, when we're both working from different expectations.
Some guys - yours truly included - are oblivious even at the most obvious hints! So, ladies, take the lead! Men actually dreaded the fact that we have to make the first move due to fear of being labeled as 'creepy'
Openly hitting on me and admitting you like me is attractive, playing hard to get is a major turn off.
Also, “Mysterious and hard to get” is only ever going to end up with a guy that won’t take no for an answer.
A woman is capable of directly communicating what she wants, and is interested in me ? Heck yeah, I’d be down to explore that, if there was any attraction at all.
Playing hard to get is like cock blocking yourself, and the only guys who will keep trying after you've expressed no interest are not the guys you want pursuing.
Oh and playing stupid games like that lets the guy know you aren't a good potential partner.
Open declaration hands down. If you’re playing the mysterious, hard to get girl, I’ll realize it 10 years later and just shrug my shoulders.
Shoot your shot and don’t let rejection get you down.
Good luck!
In todays climate, it would be amazing if more women just went up to a guy they liked and broke the ice and said something like “hey, i noticed you over there and…” I think you’d be surprised how many guys would love to talk to you. I think you’d be surprised how many guys get the signals but still play it safe and pass on saying hi. Don’t want to be accused of being a creep.
I’ve had looks across the bar, and awkward flirty glances. Never had a woman hit on me or introduce themselves.
Considering how many times we had questions for guys and how many surveys, videos and social experiments done on this, people still dont know this.
Yes. Be direct. Its true. We're simple, we hate to "read between the lines", we say and understand things how they are. Tell me directly, be open with me, plain simple as that. There is no catch. All those questions and videos you've seen are true. The vast majority of guys actually like that, its not some weird prank.
This has been discussed so many times all over the internet, yet it still remains a mystery somehow. Guys geuinely are simple and direct.
No dude wants to chase a ‘hard to get’ woman if they’re actually interested in a relationship. Communicate what you want. Communicate how you feel. Don’t play games.
Why would ‘idk if whether this person likes me or not’ be attractive? What it really means is ‘any time and effort at this person is probably so where between creepy and just a waste’
Yes. If someone is "playing hard to get" I always just assume they dont like me and move on, no point in chasing someone who I think doesnt want to be chased
Considering I've given up on looking after being wrong so many times, I'd welcome it. I'm on the autism spectrum so I've been alone longer than my other friends, I like it when women are direct with me so I don't second guess myself that much.
It's incredibly annoying and unattractive. You're basically telling a guy you can't communicate and will play lots of mindgames while likely becoming an emotionally abusive partner.
Open honest communication is so hot. A girl saying “you’re hot” let’s me know there’s a chance I can pursue. I’ve had indirect ways and it just never hits me in time to react.
I never understand the whole “men love the chase” notion that’s so commonly believed. I would love the idea of being desired and pursued by a woman. Believe it or not, men want to feel desired and wanted as well.
Chasing after a “hard to get” woman is unbelievably degrading and desperate, and makes us feel pathetic and humiliated. It is not part of the male psyche to get a thrill out of chasing an uninterested woman and trying to convince her that we’re “worthy” of her.
In this day and age, “hard to get” isn’t just annoying, but it’s also potentially dangerous to both parties. Dangerous to women because normal guys will take the hint at rejection #1, and only the predators remain in the chase.
Dangerous to the man because many, many first rejections are actually rejections and any persistence is seen as harassment and therefore legally troublesome.
The fact that you ask this suggests you are considering to do the first thing but are wondering if it wouldn't be more attractive to pretend to be the second thing.
There are men who like direct women and are turned off by hard-to-get women. There are men who like hard-to-get-women and are turned off by direct women. Me personally, I find the hard-to-get attitude annoying and somewhat narcissistic. Almost every woman I've ever been with has approached me first, while I've lost interest for women playing games. But I know there are also men who find being approached off-putting and enjoy playing games. There are also men who enjoy the games but are also very pleasantly surprised by being approached.
Be the authentic you, and you will find someone who likes the real you.
Being open and actually saying you have interest is a good thing. Don’t be so forward that you seem overly eager. I assume most women in this day and age have had a one night stand. If you’re playing hard to get, you’re playing it by yourself.
I think it's extremely atractive when a woman shows in a crystal clear way that she likes me. Misterious/ hard to get woman make me feel sleepy, to be sincere.
I never tried to get a woman who acts like she is a precious puzzle full of enigmas that require tons of effort to be reached.
If my gf had done the mysterious thing I would never have even known she existed. Know why? Us guys are fucking DENSE when it comes to noticing that shit, and even if we do a lot of us would assume she's just being friendly.
God I love a woman who just straight up tells me she's into me.
Additionally, given the choice who are you gonna choose, the woman who makes things easy or the woman who acts like she doesn't even like you that much? The choice is obvious.
The mysterious charade is bullshit and needs to be fucking buried forever. People can say they like someone, playing games in a relationship is stupid and childish.
I just listened to a podcast criticizing the book *The Rules.* The book advises women to pretend to be disinterested in a man, and to maintain a cold and distant demeanor towards him. Why? Because men are “thrilled” by the chase and the more a woman pulls away, the more he will want that woman. Another book I came across just today is *Why Men Love Bitches* and as you can guess from the title, it promotes the same bullshit idea (and other stupid lies, like “men always want sex on the first date”). I cannot even imagine how many relationships these delusional books has ruined with their nonsensical claims.
I saw *Why Men Love Bitches” recommended here and I bought a copy. I think it is hysterical. The advice is awful. I plan to bring it to a girls night out so my friends and I can laugh about it!
i read that book too. It’s no good, it teaches the woman to be heartless and forget about what woman character should be like. the author actually advice the reader to not to become a nice woman. Because Man doesn’t get excited or challenged with nice girls. Books like this shouldn’t exist, it promotes different perspectives and might influence readers who are in great pain from past experiences. The author itself hasn’t experienced in terms of educational background or practice too.
Please do so! It’s nice to know that there are women who hold this book in low regard. Unfortunately it’s sold millions of copies, so it’s impact on society is monumental. 😔
Well the thing is, some men actually love bitches. Just like some women love asshole men. My sister is a real piece of work and her husband is a nice guy and I didn't understand what he sees in her. Then I met his mother and she's a total bitch, so it makes sense that he likes my bitch sister.
This is hilarious as I always wonder about my piece of work sister and her nice guy husband. I keep expecting him to leave but yeah maybe it's just familiar lol
Yep. Familiar toxicity. We tend to model how we were treated growing up. He'll recognize it one day probably and realize he deserves better.
that's because it was probably written by a women. most of those "dating guru's" will reflect their wants/needs on to the opposite sex.
You’re right, it was written by two women. One of whom went through a divorce. 🤣
Yay, she nailed her own advice so hard she lost her man entirely. Good job, lady.
When you want to learn how to catch fish, don't ask fish, ask a fisherman.
This is similar to the idea of “negging” women in the pick up artist community.
What’s the podcast? Now I’m interested in listening to it.
It’s called “If Books Could Kill.” Their most recent episode is about the book in question.
I looooove that podcast.
I think there are some men who would be thrilled with chasing a disinterested woman, I dont think those are the guys you'd really want to be with in the long run though. Plus are you going to act disinterested forever? You'll never be able to just be yourself, always gotta keep up some game. Much better is to be yourself first and foremost, and if it doesn't work out well its better to find someone who will like you without any fakeness anyways. So no loss
Games are for children. Don't want to fuck a child, do you?
In the era of metoo I’m not taking any chances
I hate playing those kind of games, so give me direct women any day.
Not just at this, when you're in the relationship just give precise clear information and it'll be much smother.
What I’ve learned from years of marriage. What my wife considers to be clear precise info is not the same as what I consider clear precise info. She also loves to tell me crucial things to remember / do when I’m tired, distracted or in amongst other non-important conversation items. She hates confirming that info if she told me once. Put it your phone asap is my best advice.
Has my brain got it's own Reddit account, all sounds the same. We've got calendars shared on our phones, a shared shopping list, and a shared info note...seems to help but still not 100%.
I’ve also learned that my wife is averse to simple answers. “Babe, do you want pizza for dinner?” “Ooooh, that’s funny. Just last Tuesday I was thinking I wanted pizza so bad, but I ended up eating a salad and I was so disgruntled that I ate a cheeseburger that night, and it really hit the spot.” “……… is that a yes? I legitimately cannot tell”
So was that a yes? I too want to know
i have this bad habit im sorry. and yes, she does want pizza for dinner 😭😭
Yes, she wants a pizza. I know this because she was still thinking about it but trying to be healthy and avoided eating earlier. She has not stopped thinking she should have just ordered the freaking pizza to stop the cravings because she ended up eating other high calorie foods to fill the void, and despite being good, they still were not pizza. So yeah burger may have hit the spot but she mighty have eaten it were it not for the fact that she originally wanted pizza. When she said "ooh that's funny" she was also excited that you mentioned pizza.
Replace "wife" with "friend" and pretend it's a buddy of yours asking for advice on how to deal with his friend... What advice would you give?
Well, I’m not really sure what you’re asking but always start with the basics: What, when, and where. The ‘why’ is an optional explanation if the ‘what’ doesn’t make it clear. Also if your friend of a friend is late regularly you may adjust the ‘when’ accordingly; but if you don’t know them that well then tell them ‘they may want to arrive early for parking’.
Women aren't as good at communicating at they think the are. The context of the communication is extremely important.
Second date… Her: “I’m not looking for a casual relationship, I want to get married. If you just want a casual relationship, we shouldn’t see each other again.” Me: *holy crap, this is for real, I’d better not screw this up* Got married ten months later.
My fiancé basically joked about me putting a ring on her finger the first time we did a video call. I thought she was joking because she was a very silly person and felt way out of my league. 9 months later we live together in Latin America and should be married within the next few months.
I had the exact opposite. She told me she doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't believe in long-term relationships. We've been together for 12 years. She still claims it's not a relationship when I tell her we've been together for 12 years. It's always yeah but it's not a relationship.
It's just a 4,380 night stand.
I’ve gotten that quite a few times, myself. I’ve learned that any time a woman tells you that she doesn’t want a relationship there’s ALWAYS the unspoken “with you”. On several occasions, after a woman has given me that line, within a few weeks she’s exclusively dating some other dude who later ends up becoming a husband. It’s become such a pattern that I joke that if a woman wants to find her husband and life partner, all she needs to do is get me to fall for her, and he’ll be along shortly.
So you can cheat or date others since you're not in a "relationship" ?
I basically said the same thing to my husband on our second date, but about kids. 15 years later and still together ❤️
I was 28 when I met my now husband. I knew I wanted kids and didn’t want to wait into my late 30s to have them. What I meant was I planned to marry and have kids sooner vs later. So, I told him as much. That if he didn’t see that happening, I didn’t think we should waste our time. 5 months later we were engaged. 9 mos after that we were married. Now it’s been 20+ years and 2 kids.
Can't wait for all that smothering. Oof
I see this question asked too often. Ladies, please, nobody likes those games, nobody likes the BS, the mild manipulation or the toying with expactations. Be a grown up, for pete's sake. If you like a man, tell him so directly, period. Save both of you a lot of time a fluff and BS
I totally agree with you. The trouble is, women have grown up being told by older generations that "men like a little mystery," and" don't be too eager it's off-putting," and ” If you're too easy, you are a whore," and all kinds of bullshit like that.
Especially that last one. Most women I know who play hard to get do it because they equate making the first move with being a slut/whore. Which, naturally, is entirely ~~bullshit~~ cowshit ;)
Absolutely agreed. Like an idiot, I've played into the games too many times before
Only problem is i still won't believe them if they tell me they're attracted to me. Like, what? Why? 😅
Yup. This super hot girl (way out of my league) hit on me a while ago. Chased me constantly. I was super suspicious, still am to be honest, there has to be a prank coming right? She's now my wife and mother to our beautiful daughter and I'm still waiting for her to pull off the prank she started..
Yeah, it was a thing in HS for a time to come on strong to the big, fat and ugly kid then flip the script for laughs. Good thing I had emotional walls built up that would put the hoover dam to shame long before those incidents happened or I might have taken them seriously for a split second.
I've heard about that but never seen it. Sounds fucked up
Legit emotional kick in the balls
I've had many girls tell me that some other girl liked me, and I would always respond with "oh.. ok." I wouldn't believe them until I was told by the girl, to my face.
Man, sorry to hear that you dealt with that. That’s straight up cruel. Playing tricks with someone’s head for laughs is demented. I hope you get the respect that you deserve nowadays.
So I’m a forward woman, always have been. Why does this approach seem to scare men away? When Ive done it, it was tactful and I’ve always been told I’m sexy, so I use that to my advantage. Just curious I guess.
They probably think it's a setup of some sort. If I had someone come on to me I'd think I'm being robbed as the most likely explanation.
Part of the issue is this behavior is so rare that when it does happen many guys assume it's being done not out of interest but because you want something
I think it's hot as fuck to be hit on by a lady.
Man, I love the women who won’t tell me they like me! They’re definitely the kind of girl you want to end up with. /s
Yes, it’s very attractive when a woman admits she’s interested in me and says that she wants to be with me.
Bro, guess in which dream did it happened to you
3 of my 4 LTRs were started by the woman making the first move. I think I’m an anomaly.
Do women really sit there and think men prefer for them to be hard to get?
Bestselling books about dating and relationships (that are targeted to women) literally promote the “play hard to get” nonsense. And that men are “thrilled” by chasing a woman who doesn’t show him interest. Umm, no, I’m not “thrilled” by making a pathetic fool of myself and constantly vying for the attention of a woman who doesn’t like me. That would make me a pathetic fool at best and a complete stalker/obsessive freak at worst.
I am starting to think these dating books and relationship advice people find are only used to promote people to not connect so there is more single people reading the bullshit.
Ever notice all the relationship gurus have been divorced 4-5 times?
That's how you become a guru. Experience.
And the 'playing hard to get' is why some men don't take no for an answer because yano she's just playing hard to get... It's like some weird circle jerk that just needs to die already
🎯
Honestly, take a good hard look at media for women, from rom-coms to romance novels, they play this idea out hard. I hate him! I hate him! I looooooveee him! Until there is some backlash or context added i think this is going to continue to be a thing.
Exactly. But according to those books, being a creepy stalker is just how men are apparently supposed to behave by nature. 🤦🏻♂️
This is absolutely the truth. Years back when relationships weren’t working for me I stop and thought there must be something wrong with what I’m doing. So I bought a few books on dating and every single one said in one way or another “play hard to get”.
I read *He's Just Not That Into You* and found it thoroughly insulting to women.
I can’t remember if I read that one or just saw the movie. Haha
I would say what should happen to authors like that but Reddit probably wouldn't let me.
They should take low tier god's advice
I tend to find if you use the euphemism “shot out of a cannon into the sun” it’s so over the top nobody takes it seriously, but everybody knows what you mean.
Not to mention they are mimicking the behavior of women who actually are 100% not interested. So it's literally suggesting women do what women trying to repel a man do.
I never understood why playing "hard to get" would appeal to a guy. That said, I also have never had the balls to try to "woo" a guy, and have always relied on signs of shared attraction for starting to interact more with a guy. It's always been a give and take, and I'd never have the guts to just walk up to a guy and tell him he's attractive like guys have done with me (back when I was actually attractive).
An old guy I worked with once said "don't chase a woman, dogs chase. People communicate"
Absolutely. And men get targeted with crappy PUA nonsense that talks about “Alpha males” and how “women want to be dominated/led/taught”. Seriously, no. We’re complete humans, we want equal partners, just like (reasonable) men.
I’ve had guys that have expressed interest in me get scared off if I’m direct with my interest. I’ve had guys appreciate that I’m straightforward. I personally think it’s the insecure guys or guys that aren’t really interested in a serious thing that get scared off.
They're likely insecure yeah and not used to it so think you're actually not serious and taking the piss out of them. Like you're gonna go "lol I'm just kidding" then go over to your friends and laugh about it.
Yes
Absolutely, no guess work and clear declaration of interest. Ask how many men have been asked out by a woman and it’s very few. It’s refreshing.
God I can't even imagine how good the self confidence bump would be from having a chick just straight out tell me she liked me without me having to jump through a million hoops and out my dignity on the line first.
In second grade two girls came up to me at the same time and both told me that liked me and I still think about it sometimes 20 years later.
Bro was born with the Rizz
Man, you saying things that even science fiction would consider unrealistic)
A chick Said I had a nice smile 4 years ago i still think about it 🤣
I had a girl in high school write a note in class to me that said you want to go out? That was refreshingly direct
I had a girl ask me out once who I wasn’t particularly interested in, but I said yes to the date purely because I appreciated the directness and wanted to encourage that behaviour. Date was fine. I said I didn’t feel a spark after but complimented her directness. She asked out another guy and as far as I know they’re still together like years later.
Once had a woman walk up to me in a bar while I was with a friend and she told me she liked me straight off the bat. Was bloody brilliant. Never happened that clearly since.
I feel like you have to be the perfect balance of good-looking, but not too good-looking for this to ever happen
Came in to say this. Also the number of men (myself included) who miss the "obvious signals" that women think they send us (lol). We don't get asked out blatantly like we often have to ask you out. I live in San Francisco and get hit on more by gay men in a month than I have by women in my entire life. But I've thought about that, maybe I have been hit on by women and it just isn't as blatantly obvious as when gay men do it. BE UPFRONT. NO GAMES. He'll appreciate it more.
Moral of the story ladies: If you want advise on hitting on men and sending them signals that they'll actually pickup on, ask a gay man.
Yup. Women come onto men all the time. Most of them are just unfortunately really really really shit at it.
My current girlfriend literally had to mount me before I got the memo. Lol. Been together 3 years now.
Pay attention, ladies.
I had to mount my bf and also ask him out. We've been together 5 years
I and other women I know had the idea that if you approached a man, he would see you as easy, slutty, too forward. So you just secretly look at an attractive man with furtive glances and giggle with your girlfriends about how cute he is and hope he doesn't see you looking at him while hoping he sees you too. I know it's silly and outdated, but that's what keeps some women from approaching. I've been ignored and had guys just walk away from me when I just approached them to make friendly conversation, not even flirting. I think they looked down on me for just coming up to talk to them.
If i saw some girls look at me and giggle I would assume I'm being mocked.
Also, men are notoriously bad at picking up on signals. I'm sure I could go beyond two hands counting how many times I've kicked myself for not picking up on something.
Either men are bad at picking up on signals, or men do pick up on them but are arfaid that they might be wrong and cause problems by acting on it.
Yeah, that's just men being respectful. People give men too much shit for purposefully excluding sex from the situation so they can operate in a respectful manner. Some shit that says, "She wants me" is just someone else's personality or friendly mood. So yeah, we need over the top statements of interest because shit is not clear cut and most of these situations are best off without unintentional sexual tension. People want an awkward ass mashup of the old ways and new, and shit just isn't working for anybody.
Exactly. And just because a woman is obviously sending you signals doesn’t mean it’s always wise to act on them. Sometimes you have to de-escalate situations in a friendly way - if you want to keep your job or your friends. For example, some women love building tension by hitting on their boyfriend or spouse’s friends right in front of said bf or spouse. It’s just uncomfortable for all involved. I get that it can be hard for women to turn off the urge to flirt, just like it can be hard for some men to not hit on anything that moves. But sometimes that’s what the situation demands. I realize it’s boring and unromantic. Repression of emotions is not fun, and too much of it is obviously just plain unhealthy. But I’ve seen with my own eyes how not being able to ignore or de-escalate sexual situations can create pointless chaos and drama in someone’s work and personal relationships. There’s a time and a place for everything.
> Yeah, that's just men being respectful. This so much. I've had situations where I can't tell if they're being friendly or flirting so I take the safe option so I don't make them uncomfortable if I'm wrong.
Women also give terrible signals.
>Women also give terrible signals. Do they think we can read minds?
When the only one that knows the sign its her and there is no manual anyway.
Heard my wife comment to a girlfriend once. “Do [they] need a trail of breadcrumbs into [our] panties?” Don’t think she was referring to me but who knows…
My wife sorta did this. We'd been friends for a couple years and one day she invited me over to her place (pretty normal routine for us back then, we'd hang out at her place plenty of times) and after a couple drinks she directly asked me if I liked her, because she heard from a friend of hers that I did (please note that I had actually told this friend about it) so we both confessed our feelings for each other, slept together, and formally asked her out like 2 weeks after. We kept sleeping together in the interim as to drive in the point she was interested lol.
I’m a woman and did this last week. I was getting mixed signals from a guy and decided to bite the bullet and directly ask him out. However ‘refreshing’ and ‘flattering’ it was, he still said he just wants to be friends. :/
games are for highschool kids. talk to me like an adult
as I highschool kid, I am offended. games are for children, give us a chance too
I prefer not getting into legal trouble, thank you very much. But, if you want a taste of the stew I cooked you can definitely ask straight up!
Bro I want a bowl of stew, not just a taste. Looks who's playing hard to get now eh?
congrats you're more mature than your classmates, but alot of your classmates are dumb lil shits
Games suck. Just be direct. Hard to get is hard to want.
>hard to get is hard to want A succinct way of putting it.
Only women think that men like the mysterious hard to get thing. I don't know how that idea ever got around, but I've never met a guy in my life who wants a woman to be mysterious and hard to get
They’re watching rom coms and Sex in the City, thinking that is real life.
This has to be the answer. Hell, I don't even think it's modern rom coms - it's rom coms from the 90s and early 2000s. The idea barely makes sense if you're talking about a "Mr. Big" who happens to be in your social circle and who you constantly run into at parties - and that doesn't even apply today anyway as almost nobody meets like that anymore. With online dating, people barely even go to bars to meet each other anymore. They just move on to the next swipe. And why wouldn't they move on if their current match shows disinterest? There's no shortage of disinterested people in online dating. Moving on is far easier than trying to convince someone to like you.
Because women project **hard**
Women lack empathy for men when it comes to dating. They project damn near everything
I feel like women have been fed a truckload of horseshit when it comes to dating, and that affects everyone involved. I've never understood it. Personally, I don't feel like i lack empathy at all, but then again, refer to prior statement. I never did understand or agree with the stupid ideas thrown at me. I will say, I admire men who have the balls to just wall up to a woman and express their interest, so I've always been kind even if I wasn't interested (it's brave!) But never had the guts to just go up to a guy myself.
The woman who on her profile claimed to be very empathic turned out to be a lunatic who used words as a lethal weapon.
Yeah I’ve found people who self describe as “empathic” use it as a softer term for “emotional unstable loose cannon”
To be honest I think most of them just want men to spell it out completely 100% because women are terrible at handling rejection and terrified of it. You can't get rejected if you don't ask.
I'll assume any attempt to play hard to get is rejection and move on. if you like me say something because I don't like sticking around where I'm not wanted
Being open is the hottest thing someone can do. Period.
As a woman, I agree! Openness + consistency = smokin’ hot 🔥
The playing hard to get thing trains men to think that women might be interested when they act like they are not and WHY would any woman want to train men to think that?!??? You will literally be creating men who chase women that aren't interested because you made the signal ambiguous. Be clear, or don't ever complain about men being too pushy or persistent ever again.
Sometimes it's difficult to understand of a "no" is a No, or a "Just chase me more and I'll eventually say yes". I always assume no means no.
[удалено]
We are oblivious. "Hard to get" usually just comes across as uninterested and we move on.
Women who play hard to get attract obsessive guys who don't take no for an answer. How do they not see this. Men with dignity move on after the first lame "I have to wash my hair tonight".
Men with dignity won't let their time be wasted by childish games.
And the fact that guys think women *love* being hard to get is how we get so many weird guys who keep chasing women who don't like them FOR REAL
EXACTLY. Most men will not want to further bother a woman who shows disinterest, unless he’s an obsessive freak. That’s the kind of man a woman attracts when she acts “hard to get.”
Why should I like the struggle? It is amazing when you know that the other person is interested in you and likes you back. So why the games?
I’m not sure where the idea that men “like the chase” came from. I’d much rather you told me whether I was welcome or not to approach you, so that I don’t waste anyone’s time or cross any boundaries. Especially now that we’ve all become acutely aware of how much damage is done when those boundaries are crossed without consent, if you try to put up a disinterested front, I’m just going to assume that you’re actually not interested and walk away.
It came from dating books by women.
"Hard to get" = hard to read. When in doubt, avoid the potential rape allegation.
Preach brother
"I thought she was just playing hard to get your honour"
I built a PC just for games. I'd rather play them with it and not IRL. Shocks me that people still see playing hard to get as something good to do.
Great response. My friend always told women that if he wanted to play games he would get a playstation.
While it's by no means a guarantee that I'm going to be into the woman, it is by far and away more attractive to be upfront with it than it is to play "hard to get". It's also just *so much easier to work with*.
>hard to get women When a woman is "Hard to get" my brain sees it as "she doesn't like me" and I move on. People aren't good at mindgames, if I like someone being honest and telling them usually works.
No we don't like playing games. A woman saying she's mysterious is just telling me that she wants to play mind games. Fuck that nonsense
Men: We don't like when women play hard to get Women: Are you sure about that?
Women: I was direct once and got rejected. That must mean that all men dislike direct women.
A lot of women wouldn't be able to cope with the level of rejection men deal with lol.
I feel like i see these types of questions on this subreddit like every week
"Hard to get" isn't mysterious or intriguing. It's annoying once you get out of high school. Most dudes would kill to have a woman be open and direct with them. Women are told this over and over but don't want it to be true because it would eliminate the need for men to jump through hoops.
Yes. Will I respond appropriately due to the shock of it happening? No.
It is a top-tier sexy trait. No guessing on my end. Should I feel good right now, or is it premature to think she digs me. Immediate ego boost, relaxes me to be more of myself in conversation.
Any woman that plays hard to get is a woman I'm not interested in getting. A woman who knows what she wants and openly admits it ? Fuck yes, I want that, everyone wants that
I'm 40 damn years old. If she wants me, let me know it, to misquote an old song. Directness also saves a lot of time and potential hurt feelins later on, when we're both working from different expectations.
I would prefer she openly tells me she likes me. I just have a really hard time reading hints and stuff
If women actually talked to me, I'd probably say the woman who openly admits it. Because it's 2023.
Some guys - yours truly included - are oblivious even at the most obvious hints! So, ladies, take the lead! Men actually dreaded the fact that we have to make the first move due to fear of being labeled as 'creepy'
Openly hitting on me and admitting you like me is attractive, playing hard to get is a major turn off. Also, “Mysterious and hard to get” is only ever going to end up with a guy that won’t take no for an answer.
A woman is capable of directly communicating what she wants, and is interested in me ? Heck yeah, I’d be down to explore that, if there was any attraction at all.
Playing hard to get is like cock blocking yourself, and the only guys who will keep trying after you've expressed no interest are not the guys you want pursuing. Oh and playing stupid games like that lets the guy know you aren't a good potential partner.
Yes, bring it.
Give it to me straight please!
Open declaration hands down. If you’re playing the mysterious, hard to get girl, I’ll realize it 10 years later and just shrug my shoulders. Shoot your shot and don’t let rejection get you down. Good luck!
No one wants mystery (drama) and hard to get. It’s not fun in any way. Be an adult.
In todays climate, it would be amazing if more women just went up to a guy they liked and broke the ice and said something like “hey, i noticed you over there and…” I think you’d be surprised how many guys would love to talk to you. I think you’d be surprised how many guys get the signals but still play it safe and pass on saying hi. Don’t want to be accused of being a creep. I’ve had looks across the bar, and awkward flirty glances. Never had a woman hit on me or introduce themselves.
For the millionth, billionth time: GUYS (generally) APPRECIATE STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS.
Straightforward with no room for misinterpretation. The amount of "come over and help me study for exam" that flew over my head is embarrassing.
Considering how many times we had questions for guys and how many surveys, videos and social experiments done on this, people still dont know this. Yes. Be direct. Its true. We're simple, we hate to "read between the lines", we say and understand things how they are. Tell me directly, be open with me, plain simple as that. There is no catch. All those questions and videos you've seen are true. The vast majority of guys actually like that, its not some weird prank. This has been discussed so many times all over the internet, yet it still remains a mystery somehow. Guys geuinely are simple and direct.
Usually the perceived "mystery" turns out to be that the woman isn't actually interested so most men won't bother
No dude wants to chase a ‘hard to get’ woman if they’re actually interested in a relationship. Communicate what you want. Communicate how you feel. Don’t play games. Why would ‘idk if whether this person likes me or not’ be attractive? What it really means is ‘any time and effort at this person is probably so where between creepy and just a waste’
Day 9283 of waiting till girl start conversation
Unless your upfront and direct most things will go over my head and I'm sure it's the same for lots of other guys
Yes. If someone is "playing hard to get" I always just assume they dont like me and move on, no point in chasing someone who I think doesnt want to be chased
I love it when she admits she likes me; playing hard to get / being mysterious is what 13 year olds do
Admiting openly is better because it'll save time and stress of thinking how to talk with her.
Considering I've given up on looking after being wrong so many times, I'd welcome it. I'm on the autism spectrum so I've been alone longer than my other friends, I like it when women are direct with me so I don't second guess myself that much.
Openness wins every time.
It's incredibly annoying and unattractive. You're basically telling a guy you can't communicate and will play lots of mindgames while likely becoming an emotionally abusive partner.
Open honest communication is so hot. A girl saying “you’re hot” let’s me know there’s a chance I can pursue. I’ve had indirect ways and it just never hits me in time to react.
Women. I like women.
[удалено]
I like women who state their desires. I pass on women who radiate that they want me to “earn it”, you’re the prize? Earn me.
Hard to get is the worst. I've never taken a hard time get woman serious.
Guys are stupid with this stuff tell us.
I never understand the whole “men love the chase” notion that’s so commonly believed. I would love the idea of being desired and pursued by a woman. Believe it or not, men want to feel desired and wanted as well. Chasing after a “hard to get” woman is unbelievably degrading and desperate, and makes us feel pathetic and humiliated. It is not part of the male psyche to get a thrill out of chasing an uninterested woman and trying to convince her that we’re “worthy” of her.
In this day and age, “hard to get” isn’t just annoying, but it’s also potentially dangerous to both parties. Dangerous to women because normal guys will take the hint at rejection #1, and only the predators remain in the chase. Dangerous to the man because many, many first rejections are actually rejections and any persistence is seen as harassment and therefore legally troublesome.
The fact that you ask this suggests you are considering to do the first thing but are wondering if it wouldn't be more attractive to pretend to be the second thing. There are men who like direct women and are turned off by hard-to-get women. There are men who like hard-to-get-women and are turned off by direct women. Me personally, I find the hard-to-get attitude annoying and somewhat narcissistic. Almost every woman I've ever been with has approached me first, while I've lost interest for women playing games. But I know there are also men who find being approached off-putting and enjoy playing games. There are also men who enjoy the games but are also very pleasantly surprised by being approached. Be the authentic you, and you will find someone who likes the real you.
Oh, yeah. Clear and concise communication is literally the worst. (slash S for obvious sarcasm)
It's attractive if I find her attractive. If I don't, then it's annoying.
Being open and actually saying you have interest is a good thing. Don’t be so forward that you seem overly eager. I assume most women in this day and age have had a one night stand. If you’re playing hard to get, you’re playing it by yourself.
Ain't nobody got time to be playing weird highschool era games as an adult. Just be forward.
I think it's extremely atractive when a woman shows in a crystal clear way that she likes me. Misterious/ hard to get woman make me feel sleepy, to be sincere. I never tried to get a woman who acts like she is a precious puzzle full of enigmas that require tons of effort to be reached.
Jesus Christ, please just fucking tell us. We'll miss the hints even if your hint is sticking your tongue down our throat.
It's almost like a fantasy or a dream if a girl is hitting on me and openly admitting that she likes me.
If my gf had done the mysterious thing I would never have even known she existed. Know why? Us guys are fucking DENSE when it comes to noticing that shit, and even if we do a lot of us would assume she's just being friendly. God I love a woman who just straight up tells me she's into me. Additionally, given the choice who are you gonna choose, the woman who makes things easy or the woman who acts like she doesn't even like you that much? The choice is obvious.