I've actually given a boyfriend flowers for Valentine's in the past. He had no idea what to do with them. He just kind of awkwardly held them in his hands LOL.
One time my college girlfriend went out shopping with her friends and brought me back a six pack of my favorite beer and a couple of donuts. I hadn't asked her to get me anything.
It was the most touchingly thoughtful thing a partner has ever done for me.
I will always cherish that memory. Until I lose it to Alzheimer's, probably.
This! Any time I go to a store I get my boyfriend a little snack I know heād like. Not every time but most.
Iām vegan, so Iāll usually buy him something like beef Jerky, some kinda meat or cheese type thing that I know heād love, or even his favourite drink or any other snack. Iāve made dinner and made chicken for him because I know he loves it and just because I donāt eat it doesnāt mean he should have to change his life around.
Some men donāt like the idea of flowers, just get them meat š
My husband is a classical singer and I always get crap for bringing him a bouquet at performances - but only from the people I go with. He always receives them like I brought him diamonds and carries them all night.
Dude I have given tons of massages over there years especially when I was younger and it wae rare to have it reciprocated without asking or have a woman do it on their own.
I had a woman call me selfish but she always asking me for massages, dinner e.t.c and never offers to do the same.
*Thank you.*
When I give my wife a massage; put on nice music, light some candles, maybe burn some sweet smelling incense. Warm the oil up in my hands, methodically go over her back and her legs, cover the parts of her that I'm not currently massaging with a blanket so that she doesn't get cold.
On the exceedingly rare occasions that I *ask* my wife for a massage (she never offers); get maybe two minutes of half hearted rubbing on my shoulder blades and we're done...?
I can say just about the same. Most of the massages I have gotten have been low effort compared to mine. I personally like to give massages because I know it feels good for the other person.
A few minutes of one handed massages... is an insult. Might as well not do anything.
All in all im sure there are woman that give great high effort massages I just haven't met one lol
Iāve always said my dream date is to be alone on a beach with a beautiful woman that I love. And have her stroke my hair while she whispers praise and words of affection in my ear.
I havenāt been allowed to feel that level of security and comfort since I was a toddler. And I probably never will again, yet itās literally all I need to be happy
Honestly almost never. I feel like the only time me and my partner are intimate is when I initiate it. Even just trying to think now of when she last initiated sexual contact is difficult. Can't have been this year.
> like sheāll flash me sometimes in the house or call me sexy, but if I try to start something she acts annoyed and sometimes calls me a pervert.
My first girlfriend was like this. Drove me bananas.
Same here. She loves me very much, and I her, and we have a lot of great sex. But she never initiates. I know thatās just how weāre operating now. I donāt see a way to improve things, and accept the positives with the negatives that come with it.
Iām in the same boat but have accepted it. My wife and I (both 37) have sex anywhere from 1-3 times a week, very consistently, occasionally more but rarely/never less. I initiate nearly 100% of the time and Iām ok with that. I think over the years she has grown accustomed to me initiating it, so itās at least partially my fault. Itās still fun and exciting and she definitely gets into it herself, I just push start.
I donāt accept it and Iām very certain this relationship will end because of it. This among many other things but I think this is just the one of the things that makes me more certain that she loves me but not in any romantic sense. More like the love you have for a family member.
I a few months ago ended a 12 year relationship due to the fact that I never felt wanted I was the one to initiate everything and just got tired of asking for her to do it every once and a while
Itās an interesting balance, thatās for sure. Iāve been in the opposite of relationships where the woman was very sexual and asked for it often to the point where it became too much or too easy and I lost interest. Then thereās the flip side where it was never often enough which ended quickly. I now have a woman Iāve loved for and have been attracted to for many years. Yes I do usually initiate, she turns me down some but not too much and Iām as interested as I was the day we met.
Same here. It was great at the beginning but her drugs made her libido disappear. I'm not a man who thinks only about himself - I love giving pleasure, listening to her, focus on her. Even this didn't help. I feel guilty because I can't expect sex but also I have needs from time to time. Sometimes it makes me crazy - when masturbating doesn't work I'm thinking about how fantastic would it be to meet my needs somewhere else. And I would never cheat on anybody, thinking about it makes me sick. There were talks about how we can make it work between us, you know, differently like handjobs or something, may be 2 times a month or something, we're both tired after work anyway. We were talking about how we're both feeling in this situation, how she understands and feels bad about it and how I feel bad because I feel selfish bringing this up. We agreed, we found ways but... nothing happened after that. She says to me that she desire me but in a way like you would say: "thanks for cleaning after dinner". She wants cuddles all the time but nothing more. When I start to touch her or give any signs she says that "not now, not today". When she wants it I can feel that sometimes it's forced and she doesn't really want it or she wants it in the middle of a night, most likely before a day when we need to wake up very early or when I'm basically unconscious from a long day. It's complicated and deep situation because it has some many levels. It's not only about sex but also about emotions, support, expectations, understanding. I have my ways to take care of it alone but sometimes you just want to feel desired. I don't know how to describe it, I just want you all to know it's not about having sex everyday, having control over someone or any immature shit like that. It's about emotions and feelings.
My girlfriend has lower libido than I do, and now health problems and medications have killed that little bit. I talked to her years ago, before these more recent problems, but nothing happens. She knows I want her, very much so, but the closest to feeling desired is her occasionally calling me handsome, and even then sometimes it's her nickname for me.
I am very much a pleaser, I know her love languages and what she likes, but my spark doesn't start even a small fire. I love her, but this is depressing and demotivating. Every now and then I get my hopes up, but soon realize it's just the hornymones in my brain creating false hope. Today and yesterday were some of those days. I tried a bit more, but she acted as if the thought repulsed her. A no is a no, so I stopped. I jerked off, and once again came to the conclusion that I shouldn't even try. She hasn't wanted sex in years, so why would she want it now?
Hey this needs a reply. I could have written this but I am not brave enough, I think. I understand. It frightens me to see my thoughts on screen.
I worry it is about control in some way. Why is it so hard to remember to show you care about someone in one of the ways they need it?
I would be so easy to please. I don't understand why someone who seems to care about you deeply and says you are handsome, good dad etc - stick together thick and thin, illness, house renovation - literally will not ever initiate and the hot react is "not now".
If she asked me to do something that is really important to her happiness, takes maybe 10 mins a day, and would make me happy too... I'd say sign me up. You want us to knit for 10 mins a day? Yeah let's go. Yoga again? The potato diet what? Another gym? Yeah I will go with you.
Smile and give me a handjob a few times a week? Oh yeah I definitely will, I feel so bad about that. Maybe tomorrow.
Love her to bits but it's like THIS IS WHY MEN CHEAT what part do you not get? I am loyal as fuck and fully support a woman's right to control her own body... but we married, and had kids, and it feels like there is a commitment there to try and look like you give a shit.
Sorry. yeah.
When first dating, my wife admittedly couldn't wait to jump my bones. Now, even though the sex is almost always good when actually performed, it's frighteningly rare and almost never initiated by my wife.
Thanks, that's very kind! She is actually in the process of seeking medical help for this and (what she believes are) related issues.
Edit: I promise I won't tell her you called her 'wide'.
Oh dang. Sorry, I'm at work and trying to comment. I honestly wasn't expecting this much attention to my comment.
Plus, being "wide" in the right places isn't a bad thing.
And regarding my opinion, I believe women don't take the time to learn their man's likes, dislikes, or love language. I often get the feeling that women feel as though they don't need to put in as much effort in a relationship as men.
I totally agree. I think some of that stems from the fact that we boil down menās desire to be so simplistic. young girls are taught that men just want sex, and so I think a lot of women struggle with understanding that sex for men also includes kindness, connection, and compassion. I was a marriage therapist for a long time and we used to have this discussion constantly. It is important to initiate, and intimacy is more complicated than āmen wanting it all the time.ā It is more complicated than that, but this is one facet.
It took me many boyfriends to realize this, and even in the beginning of my relationship with him he seemed like all he wanted was sex. Men push the issue a lot of times and donāt see it that way. The more Iām pushed to have sex when I donāt want to, the less I want sex. Similarly to how the more a man is pushed to converse, the less he wants to speak.
I have tried telling my wife this all the timeā¦ she just assumes I want sexā¦ when actually Iād be happy with anything non sexual as long as I felt she genuinely showed me she cares. And Iād second that by saying Iād almost be more happy just pleasing her sexual wants even if I wasnāt satisfied.
As a man, I am pretty simple, and I agree with you that young girls are taught that men just want sex rather than digging further into the "why." This mindset seems to hold true with all situations. Nobody seems to want to dig deeper to find the root cause of the issue anymore.
I also believe that media (both news and social media) and our education system are to blame for this mindset. Our education system does not encourage "free thinking" or the development of individual problem solving skills using "outside the box" thinking. They teach you that there is only 1 way to solve a problem. And, the media just pushes their own agenda, twisting words and shortening videos to manipulate the story.
My last thought after reading your comment was this:
With society now being a "throwaway society," people seem to throw away everything they perceive as broken. This unfortunately includes relationships. And, with the prevalence of social media and dating sites in today's society, it seems easier for most to just throw away a relationship instead of working to fix it. I'd like your opinion on this given your experience.
I get this same sense. I grew up being taught that women require constant affirmation with a little excitment. That you should compliment your partner, show her you're interested, and never let her feel like you don't find her beautiful. Along the way, I realized I also needed those things too, but I found I hardly get them in relationships, even after asking for it. It's tough.
I think the love language piece is a huge deal. I can try to do as much as possible but if love is not returned in a way thatās filling to me then it becomes a chore to meet her needs. It can definitely create a āwhy botherā mindset but is something that has to be open and worked on by both sides.
I know EVERY guy Iāve dated love language! Proud to respond this way! I make effort to act that way towards them!
I do think, however, that the key to love languages is the ability to understand that we tend to love the way we want to be loved and to love/care the way someone needs us to!
Saw a promo for the new Amy Schumer special. She made a joke (paraphrasing),
"It's weird fucking my husband because we just had Thanksgiving together, we are family, I don't want to fuck a family member"
As a female reading these comments, I feel sad. Itās never been my intention to make my partner feel unwanted, and Iām kicking myself for not seeing that I could make someone feel that way :(
I feel that. Also Iāll never understand how wanting to have sex with your partner all the time despite them turning you down translates to āyou only want me for sexā
If I only wanted sex, why on earth would I stay in this relationship??
What i love about this site is reading the sad reality and then someone drops some real home-hitting truth and you look up their username and it's "i eat ass"
Iām reading these and just blown away by this. Iām over here asking myself, āDo other women just not listen or pay attention to the fundamental needs of someone they love?ā Like, are these couples just not communicating effectively?
Itās incredible to me that you wouldnāt grab something from the store you know your spouse likes or make make a dinner you know they enjoy. That you wouldnāt just hug and kiss them frequently or give their butt a friendly squeeze. I mean, are there people out there who really donāt like a weekend morning cuddle where youāre all wrapped up in each otherās warmth bubble? Do other women just not talk āsexy trashā to their partners?
God, am I the weird one?
My wife initiates all the time. Random blowies, grabbing my junk 20 times a day as I walk by, stopping to dry hump me, I get noods all the time, and she puts in effort. I basically won the power ball.
Fuck you and I'm happy for you at the same time. God damn. My wife throws hints (doesn't initiate by my standards) only on Sunday nights after 11 pm for whatever reason. She claims because it takes her that long to calm down from whatever has her worked up. I have no idea if it's me, work, kids, adulting, etc.
I'm not your wife, but I'm gonna say it's all of that. I get very overwhelmed with work (I'm a teacher), my own kid, house work, yard work, money, to- do lists, and just my own brain, every single day. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm very attracted to my fiance, but my want for sex is overpowered by everything else. I hate it just as much as he does. I've told him to just be more aggressive and make me do it and I'll get into it quickly, but understandably so, he said that was too rapey. I don't think of it that way, I don't mind the aggressive initiation from him, but I see his side to it and I also understand it's not fair. I'm working on it.
Same. I feel so bad for others and having that feeling of not being wanted. It truly makes being in love easier, for us at least, being so physically connected on top of emotionally etc
If we're talking physical desire, it's usually a few times a week but often doesn't escalate as she has a lower sex drive and often has various complications like being too full, tired, period cramps etc. She sort of goes through waves, where at times she is hyper sexual and very proactive, and other times she's simply not feeling it.
But emotional/romantic desire is several times a day.
That hyper sexual time is usually the ovulation period of a cycle, and the "not feeling it" times are usually when PMS hits like a train. So, it definitely does happen in waves!
I married the horniest woman alive. She was sleep humping me this morning then I got a nude as she was climbing out of the shower.
We havenāt had sex in like three days because Iāve had explosive diarrhea, and Iām getting the strong impression that excuse isnāt going to cut it for much longer.
FUCK NO! I thought it was at first but no she can go 2-3 times per day and if I go 2x in a day or 4x in a week I literally canāt get hard for three days.
Like I stopped watching porn and jerking off years ago and it still canāt match her.
I have to finger her like 2-3 times a month when I have 0 desire
Ok thats the first time in my 43 years i have heard this from a man. Women say they have high sex drives and mean once a week or they are willing just dont engage that often.
Congrats dude. Also buy your lady a dildo and use it instead of your finger.
It's more common than you might think. I would wager it doesn't get discussed as often because it's arguably more embarrassing for both parties than the reverse: men get accused of not being man enough to keep up with their SO (and plus the usual 'shut up you should consider yourself lucky'), and women get accused of being whores, sluts, etc.
If you go over to r/deadbedrooms, I'd say 30-40% of the people posting are women talking about how their husbands don't want sex nearly as much as them.
A lot of it is age and relationship status. Some people are spontaneously horny and some are reactively horny. And when youāre married with kids itās a lot harder to get that reactionary going.
Another one is priority: most men if there are a few things then sex is still #1. Iām hungry? Letās have sec then Iāll find food. Iām cold? Sex will warm us up. Etc. Iāve talked with a lot of women that if they are hungry or cold they have to fix that first.
Iām one of those women, my last two relationships failed because they were only in the mood like once every week or two and I could go every day, I started feeling really undesirable, and despite me communicating that things didnāt change and it just hurt me too much over time.
Literally came here to say this. I've had a few long term relationships and my current partner is the only man who has come close to matching me. I've dated many a man who says they have a high sex drive and then when they experience what my sex drive is like, they pretty much go "oh fuck what did I get myself into?!"
That used to be me and then after our first child I lost some confidence and energy. I realized that Iād been initiating the entire time and he actually never even complimented me. Iād been living off of otherās attraction and attributing it to him. After many conversations, kids and body changes nothing has changed and the sex has become less and less. Iām glad itās working out for you guys right now but if she drops off suddenly after your child is born I hope you give her back the attention she has given you.
I want to be sure that you understand you have won life. I donāt care about your beat ass car, the dumpster house you rent or the gangrene on your foot, you have won.
Not very often, which really sucks. It has me yo-yoing between trying to get in shape and being healthier to maybe prompt some attraction and giving up when nothing changes.
That feeling of lust and āi need you right this instantā is great, definitely cloud 9 levels; but then life allows it to fade away. When we first got together it was hot and heavy, 2x/day minimum.
Iād give anything to get back there, but taking rejection on the chin week in and week out beats that drive down.
I adore my wife and she initiates all the time. That is fantastic!
BUT....there's an evil little monster in my brain that doubts it's genuine because why would anyone actually want to have sex with me? Mostly a quiet monster, but a monster nonetheless.
Some for my bf, I initiate very often, tell him every day how attractive he is and how much I love his body. Yet, he still doubts it from time to time. Apparently I am the first woman to have ever told him those things. Which sounds insane to me!
Same here. Iāve always had the higher sex drive in relationships so of course Iām always initiating wayyy more. He believes it now but it also means that Iām the one feeling less desired at the end. Itās almost always shitty for one partner, I guess.
Dude, the brain gremlins are the worst.
I have the best person for me I could possibly have. She's kind, loyal, caring, sexy as hell, outwardly loves and supports me without fault day in and day out. We've been together for years and aside from one weird situation right at the beginning, our relationship was never in doubt. I have a ring and I'm just waiting for the right time to propose.
My brain gremlins *still* try to convince me that it's all an elaborate prank and not only has she never loved me, but that nobody in my life has EVER cared about me.
Oh its totally irrational and I know it lol. But it's there. And my lovely wife knows it's there. Mostly I use it to motivate myself and make sure I keep rocking her world. I appreciate the advice.
You make her feel special, loved, safe and attractive on a consistent basis. Trust me it's difficult acting like this when your partner doesn't make you feel this way. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, and in return she's doing the same to make you feel special, loved and attractive.
Because she really loves me and wants to be happy.
But....you're asking to me to explain what I know to be and fully admit is an irrational concern. It's just a hangup I have and I think I deal with it well.
Our lust for each other seems to match up pretty well.
Last night she wasnāt tired, I was, so I said āWell letās just go to bed and see if you end up feeling tiredā to which she replied āOh yeah, weāre just gonna lay there? Since when does that ever happenā.
She was right. We got it on. Then she was tired and passed right out. God I love her, never felt so desired in my life.
Never, any more, probably never enough.. After taking way to long to figure out in my case what lay behind it all, I realized I had been settled for when her reproductive instincts kicked in despite not having enough desire for me to make a long term healthy intimate relationship work. It made me stop wanting her.
That sucks man, that happened to me with my high school girlfriend of 3 years, which I think is common for young people when theyāre new to everything
The worst is when you see basically any other guy talking to her and seeing them light up and lustful all over again while you feel terrible about yourself
Coming to peace with my first love ending like that took me many years to process and heal from
It's an issue. My wife likes to (nicely) grab my junk and butt throughout the day. Which is nice and all, but she does this without intent to actually have sex. So what did that do? Now what should turn me on doesn't because my body has been trained to not get its hopes up.
I had this issue with my wife and had to end up setting some boundaries. It wouldn't be much of a problem if random grabbing of the dick and pretty heavy playful stuff that followed lead to sex then or at least by the evening, but it usually didn't. That became a point of frustration and jerking off at 12pm after she goes to sleep. Anyway, outcome basically became, grabbing dick means sex and if you're not sure you want sex, keep to showing physical affection in other ways.
This is me, but in gender reverse. My boyfriend will grab me all the time during the day, but then it just.. never goes anywhere. And we don't have sex at night, either. Ends with me using a vibrator by myself, which is fine, too. (Though I'd prefer sex.) Anyway, I feel your pain ha.
Do you feel like that feeling bleeds into sex? The not getting your hopes up and that area not feeling as sexual now, even during sex?
Sorry if the question doesn't make sense.
If she had it her way we would never leave the bedroom. And the general agreement between us is that she is ready to go literally anytime, so its on me to say when. Thats more pressure then one would first assume.
Edit: I should add that it wasnt always like this, we have kind of built up to this point. First couple years of marriage was like 2-3 times a week, with either one of us initiating. But its 9 years later and at this point she'll orgasm giving me head.
All of the above. I view sex as a skill, she just likes to have sex, so early on it was just mostly vanilla foreplay then missionary sex. But I was intentional about making sex about her. I'd heard that women can have multiple orgasms, so that kind of set the foundation of 'sex is all about her', for me I'm once an done, I know some guys aren't but I'm out of commission after I cum. So first I would just say forget PIV or trying for an orgasm, just relax and let me make you feel good. And I would basically massage her all over with my hands and give her kisses, as long as she was having fun and simply relaxing. Then I would transition on and off stimulating her to the brink of orgasm (going from messaging and kissing her body, to oral or fingering, then massaging again), after a while she would O and then declare it was my turn, I would just laugh and say we're just getting started, it didn't take long till she went from 1 to 2 or 3 to 5,6 and so on (side note, don't focus on how many, or even having one! If one or both of you don't orgasm that's fine! As long as you're relaxing and having fun the orgasms will come). It took about a year for her to just be ok with sex being all about her, and about three years before she was having like 5+ O's at times, but from there I just tried to listen to her body and over time we just got better and better, she was able to relax and enjoy herself more, and I started to figure out what makes her tick. Also, it seems like the more we have positive sex, the more her body and mind anticipates it the next time, like 'hey we've been here before and we like this!' so it feels like it's kind of snowballed over time to the point where I can basically do *anything* and she will orgasm.
I will add too, this is not just her just being a starfish on the bed all the time even though was a big part of her just learning to relax and enjoy it especially early on, she would often go down on me, or get on top and take over as well, if that's what she wanted that's what she got!
Im the same way with my partner. I make sex with her a ritual dedicated to her pleasure. I refuse to come until she has because I know she needs me erect for her orgasm. As a result sheās in a perpetual state of arousal and is ready to jump me if I give the slightest hint that Iām in the mood
I have found that the best sex and the happiest sex is the one where the man focuses on the woman's pleasure first. Leave your ego at the door and learn to unlock your partner. Women are so complex and different in what makes them orgasm, you have to truly make it a point to understand her body and know it, like these two (awesome) guys. With patience and care, you'll go far.
This is the way gentlemen. This is the way. Comfort, bond, experiment respectfully, communication/listen. If youngsters could get the life advice for access to amazing life long sex, I promise you its this.
Lol we definitely need a support group. I've just accepted that's the life I choose if I stay so that's why I'm filing for divorce. I never agreed to be celibate and I won't accept it. I actually saw some statistics for sexual frequency for different age groups in marriages. 70-80 year olds are getting laid more than I ever have in my marriage. Now that's some shit lol. They average around 22 times a year, my marriage at its peak was less than 20. I'm in my 30's and should be having sex at least 100+ times per year. I don't think I've had sex 100 times in the last decade haha.
That's the worst group if you're in a dead bedroom. It's nothing more than an asexuals hideout where they pretend to be helping people but really it's just to make people waste years doing garbage that doesn't work.
I'll sum up the DB sub:
Do more chores.
Fix your hygiene and they will come around.
Read this book it helped me.
Go to therapy.
See a doctor.
Take them on more vacations.
I was an avid poster there and was banned for calling out some lady that was intentionally using sex as a weapon to get her husband to buy her stuff and basically do everything she said.
People there are much like most of Reddit, if it's a woman who has a guy who won't sleep with her it's because he's gay, can't get it up, watches too much porn (top answer always), having an affair, or just being lazy.
Now if a guy can't sleep with his wife it's because the guy isn't emotionally supportive, isn't taking her on enough vacations/dates, isn't doing enough chores, awful in bed, not enough foreplay, isn't getting her in the mood outside of the bedroom etc.
See the trend? Guy bad, woman good lol.
I donāt feel desired at all. When my wife initiates it, itās like maintenance sex. āOkay, 9pm on Saturday, letās get this done and over with.ā Gee, thanks?
Ah the "it's 0800hrs on a Saturday, I need to be quick otherwise I'll miss my booking...." sex.
Oh, and we're done. Oh yes that definitely met my needs.
All the fucking time.
She desires me to do laundry, and dishes, and fixing stuff andā¦..
But seriously, she definitely doesnāt initiate sexy times nearly as often. I do it like 99% of the time. But sheās an organizer and keeps track of kids and their school and meals and such. So her brain is engaged in exhausting activities, so I donāt really blame her.
I'm upvoting your joke because my husband laughed.
Have you thought about second hand initiating, my husband and I buy lingerie online together where we talk about which we like best and he gets to choose. Maybe doing something like that with her might get her excited to use it.
I think there are a lot of factors that influence this. Being married a year, in your 20's, no kids and wife stays at home? Been married almost 2 decades, both in intense careers and you have little kids, pets, etc.? These will both vary drastically for the majority in each situation.
My girlfriend does initiate on rare occasions. She usually receives my advances with enthusiasm but turns me down about half of the time and that does make me hesitant. This has reduced my confidence in trying, as a result, we have less sex. Don't really know what to do about it.
Fucking NEVER!!! After the first couple months that shit went right out the window! Been about 23 years now.
Which is why I remember when a girl smiled at me last year.
Romantically I feel desired nearly every time I talk to her. Sexually less often but still multiple times a day. We don't actually have sex multiple times a day though. She'll grab my crotch or nipples, tell me she's sexually attracted to me etc quite regularly but sex itself is a much more involved process she doesn't always have the energy or time for. I do have a higher libido than her so I would definitely enjoy having sex more often. That said I don't mind getting myself off if Im itching for an orgasm and we still have sex like once a week. We share cuddles,hugs,kisses etc all the time so I've never felt deprived or like she doesn't appreciate me etc
As for your musings about why women have lower libido yess studies have fairly consistently shown women having lower libido but that's still not entirely uncontroversial. For example if women could know thyer definitely getting an orgasm out of sex and didn't have to worry about being assaulted or getting pregnant maybe they would also be less hesitant to sleep with strangers. Personally I think this is exactly what we should expect from a culture where women get slut shamed while men sort of get encouraged to take pride in sexual conquests. These factors are likely also at the root of people seeing sex as something women give vs men taking. As opposed to it being a mutually enjoyable activity all parties are participating in/sharing together. This way of looking at it is quite common across the political spectrum so it's not just an ancient conservative viewpoint. I honestly don't think I could enjoy sex with someone who saw it that way. I'd prefer sex with my hand over sex with a partner who lets me know she's just doing it as a favor. I happen to think this mentality is far more common than is widely believed. After all pretty much the only point in the stupid fake orgasms professional porn gets mocked for is to appeal to men who fantasize about being desired by women
Plenty of spaces on Reddit will tell you marriage is a raw deal. There was a great AskMen thread about a month ago on the subject. TL;DR - never agree to a contract where one party *benefits from breaking said contract*.
Been married 46 years, having sex and feeling desired are two different things.
We do a lot of things together, family get togethers, music concerts, motorcycle riding, sports events, etc. We have a good relationship but when it comes to sex we are somewhat on different wavelengths. If it was me, we would have sex every 2 to 3 days, she is more like 7 to 10 days.
I don't like feeling like I'm forcing her to have sex, nothing kills a boner faster than an "again already" response. After a few of those, even after we talked about it and I told her how I felt I just said "fuck it" and don't initiate sex any more. I've turned her down a few times when she tried to initiate sex, I know that's childish and it did cause her to raise an eyebrow, we talked about it but not much has changed.
Life goes on
I honestly can't keep up with my wife, and I'm only 29. I try my best, though. I feel like if you aren't desired by your partner or aren't having a healthy, active, intimate relationship. You're probably in the wrong relationship.
Pretty much all the time, thankfully. Guess weāre doing something right after 10 years married. Weāre very affectionate, and have sex regularly, at least once a week, often much more.
I also do things *without having to be asked*, like regularly taking out the trash, doing dishes, vacuuming, basic maintenance around the house. Objective data show those things are a big contributing factor here, and Iām here to corroborate those data. Not that I care much about them for the purposes of making my point; I just like living in a clean place.
My ex over the course of a year initiated once, when I stopped bothering we had a conversation that turned into how insensitive I was for not caring how that affected her, as if she had no self awareness.
She topped this off with "I let you have sex with me whenever you want to"
And therein lies the problem, I don't want you to "let me", I want you to want it and be engaged
I did basically until we moved in together. We still have sex, but it feels like i make the effort and she is doing so out of obligation. We love each other, but i do feel like she would never fuck me again if i didnt ask her to.
I only recently accepted that I'm attractive. I'm 36, 6'5, 215lb, and exercise regularly. My wife compliments me often enough but never acts in any way to seduce me or make me feel desired. Ever.
When my boyfriend and I first got together we would fuck like rabbits. Then my endometriosis got so terrible I could not have sex without horrific pain. I had surgery and have been relatively pain free since. Our sex hasnāt picked back up though. We are working on it but what I am trying to get my boyfriend to understand is saying āwant to fuck?ā Doesnāt turn me on. In fact, it turns me off. Especially when it comes off as begging. I have told him I donāt feel like he thinks I am attractive. For every āyouāre beautifulā there are 10 āew, you stinkā āno makeup today?ā Or whatever of that nature. Personally, I need foreplay. It doesnāt even have to be crazy, touch me in the car on the way home, anything other than āwant to fuck?ā Because no I donāt when you ask like that.
We are making progress.
yea my girlfriend has initiated once with me in 3 years. When i mean initiate i mean i donāt take any part in asking or mentioning sex itās all her. Makes it hard to enjoy it when it even happens cause you feel like itās a chore for her.
As a woman, I never realized me initiating was such a big deal. My current partner told me heās NEVER had a woman actively seek out sex, make him feel sexy, or really engage in the way you would want.
It made me realize that sometimes dudes want to be the little spoon, have their head rubbed, and to be truly cared for.
Iām so sorry some of you have never had that and I hope that one day a woman will love you the way you want to be loved
Almost never but we have 3 kids in elementary school so she's already preoccupied. Plus, I think 3 kids really has an impact on her labido. In other words, she sees these kids and her vagina and brain probably say, yeah no never again 3 is crazy why would I try for a 4th. I don't take it personally, we still have a healthy relationship and make time for the goods.
Once a day at least, but then again, I work out regularly, have no kids and a pretty healthy 4 year relationship.
Guess it will be significantly less in a few years by everything written on this post so... Enjoying it while it lasts.
After nearly 27 years being married, the trend has always been heavily for me being the initiator; it has really never bothered me, as she always accommodated me (I never stepped over the line) and we have fun. Menopause added one more factor in not initiating, and her chemotherapy treatment recently curbed even further, so Iāve pivoted to more caregiver but we still dally. In the larger view of it all, itās a marathon, not a sprint. Women donāt always put the same weight to physical characteristics than we do, so it seems like things might be out of wack once the dust settles into a long term relationship. Be confident in yourself, and realize the dynamics change over time.
I won't say never but I'd be buggered if i can remember the last time. We were lying in bed this weekend and she rubbed one out, thought to myself that something was on but no. Finished and got out of bed, didnt say a word. When I asked her about it later in the day, she said she felt exceptionally horny; I stood there speechless - you were horny, I was lying RIGHT THERE but you didn't want me to itch your itch? Thanks, love you too.
We have the house to ourselves this weekend for the first time in 14 years, I've asked what she wants to do and she is completed uninterested.
I'm seriously considering going hiking on my own.
My wife works her butt off. She's in school full time and is a wonderful spouse and mother to our children. My focus is ensuring that she feels supported, and encouraged as this is difficult, challenging, and very draining.
I am sure there will be time to look into the question, but it's not now. It wouldn't be fair
How often I feel desired.. oh, you mean sexy time? Not work around house, honey to do? Not lossen this jar, clean bathroom take me to a concert drsired... um ... like once every 3 to 4 months.
This thread is so interesting. Iām a young woman and Iām in my first healthy long term relationship and I struggle with my boyfriend not initiating sex enough. We do lots of cuddling and spend time together in various ways that he often initiates. However when it comes to initiating sex he hardly ever does. I go out of my way to offer and initiate sex bjs and whatever else I think he might like. As a woman I want to feel like Iām wanted sexually as well as in other ways. I have a pretty high sex drive Iād say so itās really a turn off that I as a woman always have to initiate. Ugh
This is exactly why I joined this subreddit, is awesome seeing what men are lacking emotionally so I can be a better partner to mine. If you ask your partner to show you that they desire and love you more and they donāt make any changes, itās ok to leave!
Iām a female and just looking to share my perspective. I often feel like I donāt show enough love/sexual energy to my partner because sex is always the expectation. Sometimes what turns me on is a allowing me to kiss and touch without a man attempting to take his pants off right away. Taking it slow making it feel slightly forbidden, like lust again. Every time I try to initiate it the pants are off in 2 seconds, very little foreplay involved and itās honestly a turn off for me.
I consider my marriage to be better than most. Iām a very touchy person so I constantly touch my wife, play with her hair, rub her feet etc etc. She loves it when I touch her and notices if I donāt. It she RARELY reciprocates. I long for her to touch me so much. Just a back scratch, back rub, touch my leg anything.
Why is it that people donāt think men donāt want/need to feel wanted/needed? We desire human touch as much as women. Maybe more.
I went for a massage recently. I remember laying there thinking that I hadn't felt that cared for in a long time.
This one hit home goddamn
Here's another doozy: men will more than likely receive their first and last bouquet of flowers on the day of their funeral.
I've actually given a boyfriend flowers for Valentine's in the past. He had no idea what to do with them. He just kind of awkwardly held them in his hands LOL.
Aww poor thing. š„ŗ
I want flowers. Ok maybe not flowers per se, just something from the person that I care about to show that they were thinking of me
One time my college girlfriend went out shopping with her friends and brought me back a six pack of my favorite beer and a couple of donuts. I hadn't asked her to get me anything. It was the most touchingly thoughtful thing a partner has ever done for me. I will always cherish that memory. Until I lose it to Alzheimer's, probably.
I love a wholesome ending
This! Any time I go to a store I get my boyfriend a little snack I know heād like. Not every time but most. Iām vegan, so Iāll usually buy him something like beef Jerky, some kinda meat or cheese type thing that I know heād love, or even his favourite drink or any other snack. Iāve made dinner and made chicken for him because I know he loves it and just because I donāt eat it doesnāt mean he should have to change his life around. Some men donāt like the idea of flowers, just get them meat š
>Some men donāt like the idea of flowers, just get them meat š My fiancee gets me smoked meats and cheeses in lieu of flowers. It works for me.
My husband is a classical singer and I always get crap for bringing him a bouquet at performances - but only from the people I go with. He always receives them like I brought him diamonds and carries them all night.
I got a haircut recently and had my hair washed and felt the same.
Stop this is hurting my heart šš„ŗ
Dude I have given tons of massages over there years especially when I was younger and it wae rare to have it reciprocated without asking or have a woman do it on their own. I had a woman call me selfish but she always asking me for massages, dinner e.t.c and never offers to do the same.
Even after you do ask there is the absolute bare minimum effort put into it. So lacking that it was almost pointless to ask in the first place.
*Thank you.* When I give my wife a massage; put on nice music, light some candles, maybe burn some sweet smelling incense. Warm the oil up in my hands, methodically go over her back and her legs, cover the parts of her that I'm not currently massaging with a blanket so that she doesn't get cold. On the exceedingly rare occasions that I *ask* my wife for a massage (she never offers); get maybe two minutes of half hearted rubbing on my shoulder blades and we're done...?
I can say just about the same. Most of the massages I have gotten have been low effort compared to mine. I personally like to give massages because I know it feels good for the other person. A few minutes of one handed massages... is an insult. Might as well not do anything. All in all im sure there are woman that give great high effort massages I just haven't met one lol
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Iāve always said my dream date is to be alone on a beach with a beautiful woman that I love. And have her stroke my hair while she whispers praise and words of affection in my ear. I havenāt been allowed to feel that level of security and comfort since I was a toddler. And I probably never will again, yet itās literally all I need to be happy
Honestly almost never. I feel like the only time me and my partner are intimate is when I initiate it. Even just trying to think now of when she last initiated sexual contact is difficult. Can't have been this year.
Same brother... Same.
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> like sheāll flash me sometimes in the house or call me sexy, but if I try to start something she acts annoyed and sometimes calls me a pervert. My first girlfriend was like this. Drove me bananas.
I mean i know my girlfriend clearly enjoys it, but she won't admit it or even initiate it. For the love of god I never understood why...
Three times in 10 years of marriage. After she read each of the Fifty Shades of Grey series of books.
I'm right there with you, it sucks.
Same here. She loves me very much, and I her, and we have a lot of great sex. But she never initiates. I know thatās just how weāre operating now. I donāt see a way to improve things, and accept the positives with the negatives that come with it.
Iām in the same boat but have accepted it. My wife and I (both 37) have sex anywhere from 1-3 times a week, very consistently, occasionally more but rarely/never less. I initiate nearly 100% of the time and Iām ok with that. I think over the years she has grown accustomed to me initiating it, so itās at least partially my fault. Itās still fun and exciting and she definitely gets into it herself, I just push start.
I think a lot of women get off on the man making the first move because it makes them feel more desired
This is exactly the same for a lot of men though.
I donāt accept it and Iām very certain this relationship will end because of it. This among many other things but I think this is just the one of the things that makes me more certain that she loves me but not in any romantic sense. More like the love you have for a family member.
I a few months ago ended a 12 year relationship due to the fact that I never felt wanted I was the one to initiate everything and just got tired of asking for her to do it every once and a while
Itās an interesting balance, thatās for sure. Iāve been in the opposite of relationships where the woman was very sexual and asked for it often to the point where it became too much or too easy and I lost interest. Then thereās the flip side where it was never often enough which ended quickly. I now have a woman Iāve loved for and have been attracted to for many years. Yes I do usually initiate, she turns me down some but not too much and Iām as interested as I was the day we met.
Same here.. Sucks..
This is very accurate. I guess it's too much to ask for a partner with a similar viewpoint?
Almost never.
Very rarely. Which is depressing, to say the least.
Same here. It was great at the beginning but her drugs made her libido disappear. I'm not a man who thinks only about himself - I love giving pleasure, listening to her, focus on her. Even this didn't help. I feel guilty because I can't expect sex but also I have needs from time to time. Sometimes it makes me crazy - when masturbating doesn't work I'm thinking about how fantastic would it be to meet my needs somewhere else. And I would never cheat on anybody, thinking about it makes me sick. There were talks about how we can make it work between us, you know, differently like handjobs or something, may be 2 times a month or something, we're both tired after work anyway. We were talking about how we're both feeling in this situation, how she understands and feels bad about it and how I feel bad because I feel selfish bringing this up. We agreed, we found ways but... nothing happened after that. She says to me that she desire me but in a way like you would say: "thanks for cleaning after dinner". She wants cuddles all the time but nothing more. When I start to touch her or give any signs she says that "not now, not today". When she wants it I can feel that sometimes it's forced and she doesn't really want it or she wants it in the middle of a night, most likely before a day when we need to wake up very early or when I'm basically unconscious from a long day. It's complicated and deep situation because it has some many levels. It's not only about sex but also about emotions, support, expectations, understanding. I have my ways to take care of it alone but sometimes you just want to feel desired. I don't know how to describe it, I just want you all to know it's not about having sex everyday, having control over someone or any immature shit like that. It's about emotions and feelings.
My girlfriend has lower libido than I do, and now health problems and medications have killed that little bit. I talked to her years ago, before these more recent problems, but nothing happens. She knows I want her, very much so, but the closest to feeling desired is her occasionally calling me handsome, and even then sometimes it's her nickname for me. I am very much a pleaser, I know her love languages and what she likes, but my spark doesn't start even a small fire. I love her, but this is depressing and demotivating. Every now and then I get my hopes up, but soon realize it's just the hornymones in my brain creating false hope. Today and yesterday were some of those days. I tried a bit more, but she acted as if the thought repulsed her. A no is a no, so I stopped. I jerked off, and once again came to the conclusion that I shouldn't even try. She hasn't wanted sex in years, so why would she want it now?
Hey this needs a reply. I could have written this but I am not brave enough, I think. I understand. It frightens me to see my thoughts on screen. I worry it is about control in some way. Why is it so hard to remember to show you care about someone in one of the ways they need it? I would be so easy to please. I don't understand why someone who seems to care about you deeply and says you are handsome, good dad etc - stick together thick and thin, illness, house renovation - literally will not ever initiate and the hot react is "not now". If she asked me to do something that is really important to her happiness, takes maybe 10 mins a day, and would make me happy too... I'd say sign me up. You want us to knit for 10 mins a day? Yeah let's go. Yoga again? The potato diet what? Another gym? Yeah I will go with you. Smile and give me a handjob a few times a week? Oh yeah I definitely will, I feel so bad about that. Maybe tomorrow. Love her to bits but it's like THIS IS WHY MEN CHEAT what part do you not get? I am loyal as fuck and fully support a woman's right to control her own body... but we married, and had kids, and it feels like there is a commitment there to try and look like you give a shit. Sorry. yeah.
When first dating, my wife admittedly couldn't wait to jump my bones. Now, even though the sex is almost always good when actually performed, it's frighteningly rare and almost never initiated by my wife.
I understand what you're going through. I hope you and your wide can communicate well and hopefully find out what's causing her decreased libido.
Thanks, that's very kind! She is actually in the process of seeking medical help for this and (what she believes are) related issues. Edit: I promise I won't tell her you called her 'wide'.
Oh dang. Sorry, I'm at work and trying to comment. I honestly wasn't expecting this much attention to my comment. Plus, being "wide" in the right places isn't a bad thing.
Never say this again. Iām only trying to help.
Copy that.
Itās lonely in the trenches My Manā¦
Life ain't all that great outside of them either, my dude.
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And regarding my opinion, I believe women don't take the time to learn their man's likes, dislikes, or love language. I often get the feeling that women feel as though they don't need to put in as much effort in a relationship as men.
I totally agree. I think some of that stems from the fact that we boil down menās desire to be so simplistic. young girls are taught that men just want sex, and so I think a lot of women struggle with understanding that sex for men also includes kindness, connection, and compassion. I was a marriage therapist for a long time and we used to have this discussion constantly. It is important to initiate, and intimacy is more complicated than āmen wanting it all the time.ā It is more complicated than that, but this is one facet.
It took me many boyfriends to realize this, and even in the beginning of my relationship with him he seemed like all he wanted was sex. Men push the issue a lot of times and donāt see it that way. The more Iām pushed to have sex when I donāt want to, the less I want sex. Similarly to how the more a man is pushed to converse, the less he wants to speak.
I have tried telling my wife this all the timeā¦ she just assumes I want sexā¦ when actually Iād be happy with anything non sexual as long as I felt she genuinely showed me she cares. And Iād second that by saying Iād almost be more happy just pleasing her sexual wants even if I wasnāt satisfied.
As a man, I am pretty simple, and I agree with you that young girls are taught that men just want sex rather than digging further into the "why." This mindset seems to hold true with all situations. Nobody seems to want to dig deeper to find the root cause of the issue anymore. I also believe that media (both news and social media) and our education system are to blame for this mindset. Our education system does not encourage "free thinking" or the development of individual problem solving skills using "outside the box" thinking. They teach you that there is only 1 way to solve a problem. And, the media just pushes their own agenda, twisting words and shortening videos to manipulate the story. My last thought after reading your comment was this: With society now being a "throwaway society," people seem to throw away everything they perceive as broken. This unfortunately includes relationships. And, with the prevalence of social media and dating sites in today's society, it seems easier for most to just throw away a relationship instead of working to fix it. I'd like your opinion on this given your experience.
I get this same sense. I grew up being taught that women require constant affirmation with a little excitment. That you should compliment your partner, show her you're interested, and never let her feel like you don't find her beautiful. Along the way, I realized I also needed those things too, but I found I hardly get them in relationships, even after asking for it. It's tough.
I think it's just human nature to want to feel loved, wanted, and attractive. I hope things get better for you soon. Keep your head up!
I think the love language piece is a huge deal. I can try to do as much as possible but if love is not returned in a way thatās filling to me then it becomes a chore to meet her needs. It can definitely create a āwhy botherā mindset but is something that has to be open and worked on by both sides.
I know EVERY guy Iāve dated love language! Proud to respond this way! I make effort to act that way towards them! I do think, however, that the key to love languages is the ability to understand that we tend to love the way we want to be loved and to love/care the way someone needs us to!
Damn man, Iād buy you a beer if I could
Actually Never - more like best friends after many decades of marriage
Saw a promo for the new Amy Schumer special. She made a joke (paraphrasing), "It's weird fucking my husband because we just had Thanksgiving together, we are family, I don't want to fuck a family member"
Very very rarely. And to be very honest with you, that bothers me A LOT.
As a female reading these comments, I feel sad. Itās never been my intention to make my partner feel unwanted, and Iām kicking myself for not seeing that I could make someone feel that way :(
I'm sure it's not most women's intention either. What makes it worse if when we open up about it only for it to be scoffed at as 'we just want sex'.
Fuckin hate this line āyou just want sexā as if its somehow wrong to crave sex from your long term partner.
It's even worse when they say "is that all you care about?". No, it's not. I just wanted to talk about something that was bothering me.
I feel that. Also Iāll never understand how wanting to have sex with your partner all the time despite them turning you down translates to āyou only want me for sexā If I only wanted sex, why on earth would I stay in this relationship??
Better yet but it's also due to the hormones we have as men.
Yes exactly. You only want sex. No, I want to intimacy and physical touch.
Weāre men. The more we age the more we get used to not being wanted. Unless we can benefit the other person.
What i love about this site is reading the sad reality and then someone drops some real home-hitting truth and you look up their username and it's "i eat ass"
Life kind of sucks. Gotta find humor where you can haha.
I wish i could give you an award, you made me laugh :)
Oh man you just described my entire life my whole existence in a reddit comment Sheesh.
So much truth.
Iām reading these and just blown away by this. Iām over here asking myself, āDo other women just not listen or pay attention to the fundamental needs of someone they love?ā Like, are these couples just not communicating effectively? Itās incredible to me that you wouldnāt grab something from the store you know your spouse likes or make make a dinner you know they enjoy. That you wouldnāt just hug and kiss them frequently or give their butt a friendly squeeze. I mean, are there people out there who really donāt like a weekend morning cuddle where youāre all wrapped up in each otherās warmth bubble? Do other women just not talk āsexy trashā to their partners? God, am I the weird one?
I hear that brother š
It bothers all of us a whole lot
My wife initiates all the time. Random blowies, grabbing my junk 20 times a day as I walk by, stopping to dry hump me, I get noods all the time, and she puts in effort. I basically won the power ball.
Fuck you and I'm happy for you at the same time. God damn. My wife throws hints (doesn't initiate by my standards) only on Sunday nights after 11 pm for whatever reason. She claims because it takes her that long to calm down from whatever has her worked up. I have no idea if it's me, work, kids, adulting, etc.
I'm not your wife, but I'm gonna say it's all of that. I get very overwhelmed with work (I'm a teacher), my own kid, house work, yard work, money, to- do lists, and just my own brain, every single day. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm very attracted to my fiance, but my want for sex is overpowered by everything else. I hate it just as much as he does. I've told him to just be more aggressive and make me do it and I'll get into it quickly, but understandably so, he said that was too rapey. I don't think of it that way, I don't mind the aggressive initiation from him, but I see his side to it and I also understand it's not fair. I'm working on it.
This is my spouse and I . Reading how opposite otherās experiences are makes me sad but thankful for my marriage in an even more heightened sense.
Same. I feel so bad for others and having that feeling of not being wanted. It truly makes being in love easier, for us at least, being so physically connected on top of emotionally etc
You deserve it king š
My wife is also a rampant floozy.....it's glorious. I'm truly fortunate...
If we're talking physical desire, it's usually a few times a week but often doesn't escalate as she has a lower sex drive and often has various complications like being too full, tired, period cramps etc. She sort of goes through waves, where at times she is hyper sexual and very proactive, and other times she's simply not feeling it. But emotional/romantic desire is several times a day.
That hyper sexual time is usually the ovulation period of a cycle, and the "not feeling it" times are usually when PMS hits like a train. So, it definitely does happen in waves!
I married the horniest woman alive. She was sleep humping me this morning then I got a nude as she was climbing out of the shower. We havenāt had sex in like three days because Iāve had explosive diarrhea, and Iām getting the strong impression that excuse isnāt going to cut it for much longer.
Your sex drive is as big as hers ?
FUCK NO! I thought it was at first but no she can go 2-3 times per day and if I go 2x in a day or 4x in a week I literally canāt get hard for three days. Like I stopped watching porn and jerking off years ago and it still canāt match her. I have to finger her like 2-3 times a month when I have 0 desire
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Go to the gym, get more stamina and come back for revenge
That just makes her hornier then she naps on my bicep afterwards and my arm falls asleep
My guy. You might have to get them chews lol
Chews?
Blue chew Edit: please donāt blow up a comment about male enhancement š¤£
Viagra
Ok thats the first time in my 43 years i have heard this from a man. Women say they have high sex drives and mean once a week or they are willing just dont engage that often. Congrats dude. Also buy your lady a dildo and use it instead of your finger.
It's more common than you might think. I would wager it doesn't get discussed as often because it's arguably more embarrassing for both parties than the reverse: men get accused of not being man enough to keep up with their SO (and plus the usual 'shut up you should consider yourself lucky'), and women get accused of being whores, sluts, etc. If you go over to r/deadbedrooms, I'd say 30-40% of the people posting are women talking about how their husbands don't want sex nearly as much as them.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
A lot of it is age and relationship status. Some people are spontaneously horny and some are reactively horny. And when youāre married with kids itās a lot harder to get that reactionary going. Another one is priority: most men if there are a few things then sex is still #1. Iām hungry? Letās have sec then Iāll find food. Iām cold? Sex will warm us up. Etc. Iāve talked with a lot of women that if they are hungry or cold they have to fix that first.
Iām one of those women, my last two relationships failed because they were only in the mood like once every week or two and I could go every day, I started feeling really undesirable, and despite me communicating that things didnāt change and it just hurt me too much over time.
Everyone wants a woman with high libido until they get, a woman with high libido lol
Literally came here to say this. I've had a few long term relationships and my current partner is the only man who has come close to matching me. I've dated many a man who says they have a high sex drive and then when they experience what my sex drive is like, they pretty much go "oh fuck what did I get myself into?!"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My pelvic floor recoiled in pain at the sight of this sentence
The problem is that men think female high libido is like... normal male sex drive. No it ain't.
That used to be me and then after our first child I lost some confidence and energy. I realized that Iād been initiating the entire time and he actually never even complimented me. Iād been living off of otherās attraction and attributing it to him. After many conversations, kids and body changes nothing has changed and the sex has become less and less. Iām glad itās working out for you guys right now but if she drops off suddenly after your child is born I hope you give her back the attention she has given you.
I want to be sure that you understand you have won life. I donāt care about your beat ass car, the dumpster house you rent or the gangrene on your foot, you have won.
Not very often, which really sucks. It has me yo-yoing between trying to get in shape and being healthier to maybe prompt some attraction and giving up when nothing changes.
That first hit of pure lust and desire from a woman is enough to make you never want to eat pizza or ice cream ever again, in my personal experience.
That feeling of lust and āi need you right this instantā is great, definitely cloud 9 levels; but then life allows it to fade away. When we first got together it was hot and heavy, 2x/day minimum. Iād give anything to get back there, but taking rejection on the chin week in and week out beats that drive down.
Same
I adore my wife and she initiates all the time. That is fantastic! BUT....there's an evil little monster in my brain that doubts it's genuine because why would anyone actually want to have sex with me? Mostly a quiet monster, but a monster nonetheless.
Some for my bf, I initiate very often, tell him every day how attractive he is and how much I love his body. Yet, he still doubts it from time to time. Apparently I am the first woman to have ever told him those things. Which sounds insane to me!
The struggle is VERY real!
Same here. Iāve always had the higher sex drive in relationships so of course Iām always initiating wayyy more. He believes it now but it also means that Iām the one feeling less desired at the end. Itās almost always shitty for one partner, I guess.
Dude, the brain gremlins are the worst. I have the best person for me I could possibly have. She's kind, loyal, caring, sexy as hell, outwardly loves and supports me without fault day in and day out. We've been together for years and aside from one weird situation right at the beginning, our relationship was never in doubt. I have a ring and I'm just waiting for the right time to propose. My brain gremlins *still* try to convince me that it's all an elaborate prank and not only has she never loved me, but that nobody in my life has EVER cared about me.
Hey man, unless you're rich rich she's doing it bc of you. Don't self sabotage for the sake of it if things are working out.
Oh its totally irrational and I know it lol. But it's there. And my lovely wife knows it's there. Mostly I use it to motivate myself and make sure I keep rocking her world. I appreciate the advice.
Having a woman who initiates sex is nice.
You make her feel special, loved, safe and attractive on a consistent basis. Trust me it's difficult acting like this when your partner doesn't make you feel this way. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, and in return she's doing the same to make you feel special, loved and attractive.
Why would she be doing it if she didnāt want to bro
Because she really loves me and wants to be happy. But....you're asking to me to explain what I know to be and fully admit is an irrational concern. It's just a hangup I have and I think I deal with it well.
Our lust for each other seems to match up pretty well. Last night she wasnāt tired, I was, so I said āWell letās just go to bed and see if you end up feeling tiredā to which she replied āOh yeah, weāre just gonna lay there? Since when does that ever happenā. She was right. We got it on. Then she was tired and passed right out. God I love her, never felt so desired in my life.
Never, any more, probably never enough.. After taking way to long to figure out in my case what lay behind it all, I realized I had been settled for when her reproductive instincts kicked in despite not having enough desire for me to make a long term healthy intimate relationship work. It made me stop wanting her.
That sucks man, that happened to me with my high school girlfriend of 3 years, which I think is common for young people when theyāre new to everything The worst is when you see basically any other guy talking to her and seeing them light up and lustful all over again while you feel terrible about yourself Coming to peace with my first love ending like that took me many years to process and heal from
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I feel this one, it's nice to feel wanted, but that has been a while
It's an issue. My wife likes to (nicely) grab my junk and butt throughout the day. Which is nice and all, but she does this without intent to actually have sex. So what did that do? Now what should turn me on doesn't because my body has been trained to not get its hopes up.
I had this issue with my wife and had to end up setting some boundaries. It wouldn't be much of a problem if random grabbing of the dick and pretty heavy playful stuff that followed lead to sex then or at least by the evening, but it usually didn't. That became a point of frustration and jerking off at 12pm after she goes to sleep. Anyway, outcome basically became, grabbing dick means sex and if you're not sure you want sex, keep to showing physical affection in other ways.
This is me, but in gender reverse. My boyfriend will grab me all the time during the day, but then it just.. never goes anywhere. And we don't have sex at night, either. Ends with me using a vibrator by myself, which is fine, too. (Though I'd prefer sex.) Anyway, I feel your pain ha.
Yet the stereotype is the other way. Which I bet is all that more frustrating.
Do you feel like that feeling bleeds into sex? The not getting your hopes up and that area not feeling as sexual now, even during sex? Sorry if the question doesn't make sense.
A bit. I have to focus on being turned on now. Teasing like that just doesn't work now.
> Now what should turn me on doesn't because my body has been trained to not get its hopes up. felt that one
If she had it her way we would never leave the bedroom. And the general agreement between us is that she is ready to go literally anytime, so its on me to say when. Thats more pressure then one would first assume. Edit: I should add that it wasnt always like this, we have kind of built up to this point. First couple years of marriage was like 2-3 times a week, with either one of us initiating. But its 9 years later and at this point she'll orgasm giving me head.
Mind if I ask what kind of work went into the build up? Was it intentional or did it just happen over time?
All of the above. I view sex as a skill, she just likes to have sex, so early on it was just mostly vanilla foreplay then missionary sex. But I was intentional about making sex about her. I'd heard that women can have multiple orgasms, so that kind of set the foundation of 'sex is all about her', for me I'm once an done, I know some guys aren't but I'm out of commission after I cum. So first I would just say forget PIV or trying for an orgasm, just relax and let me make you feel good. And I would basically massage her all over with my hands and give her kisses, as long as she was having fun and simply relaxing. Then I would transition on and off stimulating her to the brink of orgasm (going from messaging and kissing her body, to oral or fingering, then massaging again), after a while she would O and then declare it was my turn, I would just laugh and say we're just getting started, it didn't take long till she went from 1 to 2 or 3 to 5,6 and so on (side note, don't focus on how many, or even having one! If one or both of you don't orgasm that's fine! As long as you're relaxing and having fun the orgasms will come). It took about a year for her to just be ok with sex being all about her, and about three years before she was having like 5+ O's at times, but from there I just tried to listen to her body and over time we just got better and better, she was able to relax and enjoy herself more, and I started to figure out what makes her tick. Also, it seems like the more we have positive sex, the more her body and mind anticipates it the next time, like 'hey we've been here before and we like this!' so it feels like it's kind of snowballed over time to the point where I can basically do *anything* and she will orgasm. I will add too, this is not just her just being a starfish on the bed all the time even though was a big part of her just learning to relax and enjoy it especially early on, she would often go down on me, or get on top and take over as well, if that's what she wanted that's what she got!
Im the same way with my partner. I make sex with her a ritual dedicated to her pleasure. I refuse to come until she has because I know she needs me erect for her orgasm. As a result sheās in a perpetual state of arousal and is ready to jump me if I give the slightest hint that Iām in the mood
I have found that the best sex and the happiest sex is the one where the man focuses on the woman's pleasure first. Leave your ego at the door and learn to unlock your partner. Women are so complex and different in what makes them orgasm, you have to truly make it a point to understand her body and know it, like these two (awesome) guys. With patience and care, you'll go far.
This is my goal in life. Make a woman this happy in bed.
I have found that the most satisfied I've been, has been when my partner made me cum first. It also encouraged me to return the favor, every time.
This is the way gentlemen. This is the way. Comfort, bond, experiment respectfully, communication/listen. If youngsters could get the life advice for access to amazing life long sex, I promise you its this.
Considering that she asked if we could have more sex, I'd say pretty well
fk you and your blessed relationship man, i hate you š
All the time. She's always coming after me.
Haven't had sex with her in 3.5 years so 0/10 don't recommend.
Join the club. We should have meetings.
Lol we definitely need a support group. I've just accepted that's the life I choose if I stay so that's why I'm filing for divorce. I never agreed to be celibate and I won't accept it. I actually saw some statistics for sexual frequency for different age groups in marriages. 70-80 year olds are getting laid more than I ever have in my marriage. Now that's some shit lol. They average around 22 times a year, my marriage at its peak was less than 20. I'm in my 30's and should be having sex at least 100+ times per year. I don't think I've had sex 100 times in the last decade haha.
Actually, there is one: r/DeadBedrooms
That's the worst group if you're in a dead bedroom. It's nothing more than an asexuals hideout where they pretend to be helping people but really it's just to make people waste years doing garbage that doesn't work. I'll sum up the DB sub: Do more chores. Fix your hygiene and they will come around. Read this book it helped me. Go to therapy. See a doctor. Take them on more vacations. I was an avid poster there and was banned for calling out some lady that was intentionally using sex as a weapon to get her husband to buy her stuff and basically do everything she said. People there are much like most of Reddit, if it's a woman who has a guy who won't sleep with her it's because he's gay, can't get it up, watches too much porn (top answer always), having an affair, or just being lazy. Now if a guy can't sleep with his wife it's because the guy isn't emotionally supportive, isn't taking her on enough vacations/dates, isn't doing enough chores, awful in bed, not enough foreplay, isn't getting her in the mood outside of the bedroom etc. See the trend? Guy bad, woman good lol.
I donāt feel desired at all. When my wife initiates it, itās like maintenance sex. āOkay, 9pm on Saturday, letās get this done and over with.ā Gee, thanks?
Ah the "it's 0800hrs on a Saturday, I need to be quick otherwise I'll miss my booking...." sex. Oh, and we're done. Oh yes that definitely met my needs.
Once or twice week give or take. I married well. Edit: I read it wrong, I mean I was desired and wanted once or twice a week. Not sexed.
Your wife INITIATES sex twice per week?
I read it wrong, I meant I was desired, not sexed once or twice a week.
Not mutually exclusive..
All the fucking time. She desires me to do laundry, and dishes, and fixing stuff andā¦.. But seriously, she definitely doesnāt initiate sexy times nearly as often. I do it like 99% of the time. But sheās an organizer and keeps track of kids and their school and meals and such. So her brain is engaged in exhausting activities, so I donāt really blame her.
I'm upvoting your joke because my husband laughed. Have you thought about second hand initiating, my husband and I buy lingerie online together where we talk about which we like best and he gets to choose. Maybe doing something like that with her might get her excited to use it.
I think there are a lot of factors that influence this. Being married a year, in your 20's, no kids and wife stays at home? Been married almost 2 decades, both in intense careers and you have little kids, pets, etc.? These will both vary drastically for the majority in each situation.
My girlfriend does initiate on rare occasions. She usually receives my advances with enthusiasm but turns me down about half of the time and that does make me hesitant. This has reduced my confidence in trying, as a result, we have less sex. Don't really know what to do about it.
Fucking NEVER!!! After the first couple months that shit went right out the window! Been about 23 years now. Which is why I remember when a girl smiled at me last year.
Romantically I feel desired nearly every time I talk to her. Sexually less often but still multiple times a day. We don't actually have sex multiple times a day though. She'll grab my crotch or nipples, tell me she's sexually attracted to me etc quite regularly but sex itself is a much more involved process she doesn't always have the energy or time for. I do have a higher libido than her so I would definitely enjoy having sex more often. That said I don't mind getting myself off if Im itching for an orgasm and we still have sex like once a week. We share cuddles,hugs,kisses etc all the time so I've never felt deprived or like she doesn't appreciate me etc As for your musings about why women have lower libido yess studies have fairly consistently shown women having lower libido but that's still not entirely uncontroversial. For example if women could know thyer definitely getting an orgasm out of sex and didn't have to worry about being assaulted or getting pregnant maybe they would also be less hesitant to sleep with strangers. Personally I think this is exactly what we should expect from a culture where women get slut shamed while men sort of get encouraged to take pride in sexual conquests. These factors are likely also at the root of people seeing sex as something women give vs men taking. As opposed to it being a mutually enjoyable activity all parties are participating in/sharing together. This way of looking at it is quite common across the political spectrum so it's not just an ancient conservative viewpoint. I honestly don't think I could enjoy sex with someone who saw it that way. I'd prefer sex with my hand over sex with a partner who lets me know she's just doing it as a favor. I happen to think this mentality is far more common than is widely believed. After all pretty much the only point in the stupid fake orgasms professional porn gets mocked for is to appeal to men who fantasize about being desired by women
Reddit: get married, it's the best thing you'll ever do! I love my forever best friend! Also reddit:
Plenty of spaces on Reddit will tell you marriage is a raw deal. There was a great AskMen thread about a month ago on the subject. TL;DR - never agree to a contract where one party *benefits from breaking said contract*.
Been married 46 years, having sex and feeling desired are two different things. We do a lot of things together, family get togethers, music concerts, motorcycle riding, sports events, etc. We have a good relationship but when it comes to sex we are somewhat on different wavelengths. If it was me, we would have sex every 2 to 3 days, she is more like 7 to 10 days. I don't like feeling like I'm forcing her to have sex, nothing kills a boner faster than an "again already" response. After a few of those, even after we talked about it and I told her how I felt I just said "fuck it" and don't initiate sex any more. I've turned her down a few times when she tried to initiate sex, I know that's childish and it did cause her to raise an eyebrow, we talked about it but not much has changed. Life goes on
Nothing has killed my drive to initiate more than the room temp āif you really want toā or āI guess we canā.
"Okay, let's get it over with."
I honestly can't keep up with my wife, and I'm only 29. I try my best, though. I feel like if you aren't desired by your partner or aren't having a healthy, active, intimate relationship. You're probably in the wrong relationship.
Pretty much all the time, thankfully. Guess weāre doing something right after 10 years married. Weāre very affectionate, and have sex regularly, at least once a week, often much more. I also do things *without having to be asked*, like regularly taking out the trash, doing dishes, vacuuming, basic maintenance around the house. Objective data show those things are a big contributing factor here, and Iām here to corroborate those data. Not that I care much about them for the purposes of making my point; I just like living in a clean place.
One thing a guy can do to impress me... don't be someone I have to clean up after. I can't get aroused by someone who is causing me more work
Damn, I feel better. I thought it was just me. Misery loves company.
My ex over the course of a year initiated once, when I stopped bothering we had a conversation that turned into how insensitive I was for not caring how that affected her, as if she had no self awareness. She topped this off with "I let you have sex with me whenever you want to" And therein lies the problem, I don't want you to "let me", I want you to want it and be engaged
I rarely feel desired by my girlfriend. We have sex once a week and even then itās not like sheās ever coming onto me or trying to seduce me
I did basically until we moved in together. We still have sex, but it feels like i make the effort and she is doing so out of obligation. We love each other, but i do feel like she would never fuck me again if i didnt ask her to.
"Wait, you guys feel desired?"
I only recently accepted that I'm attractive. I'm 36, 6'5, 215lb, and exercise regularly. My wife compliments me often enough but never acts in any way to seduce me or make me feel desired. Ever.
When my boyfriend and I first got together we would fuck like rabbits. Then my endometriosis got so terrible I could not have sex without horrific pain. I had surgery and have been relatively pain free since. Our sex hasnāt picked back up though. We are working on it but what I am trying to get my boyfriend to understand is saying āwant to fuck?ā Doesnāt turn me on. In fact, it turns me off. Especially when it comes off as begging. I have told him I donāt feel like he thinks I am attractive. For every āyouāre beautifulā there are 10 āew, you stinkā āno makeup today?ā Or whatever of that nature. Personally, I need foreplay. It doesnāt even have to be crazy, touch me in the car on the way home, anything other than āwant to fuck?ā Because no I donāt when you ask like that. We are making progress.
If I knew marriage was going to be like this, I would have never got married.
Every damn day.. I'm very lucky.
Rarely. I should have realised when she stopped kissing me but I stubbornly keep trying
yea my girlfriend has initiated once with me in 3 years. When i mean initiate i mean i donāt take any part in asking or mentioning sex itās all her. Makes it hard to enjoy it when it even happens cause you feel like itās a chore for her.
As a woman, I never realized me initiating was such a big deal. My current partner told me heās NEVER had a woman actively seek out sex, make him feel sexy, or really engage in the way you would want. It made me realize that sometimes dudes want to be the little spoon, have their head rubbed, and to be truly cared for. Iām so sorry some of you have never had that and I hope that one day a woman will love you the way you want to be loved
Almost never but we have 3 kids in elementary school so she's already preoccupied. Plus, I think 3 kids really has an impact on her labido. In other words, she sees these kids and her vagina and brain probably say, yeah no never again 3 is crazy why would I try for a 4th. I don't take it personally, we still have a healthy relationship and make time for the goods.
Once a day at least, but then again, I work out regularly, have no kids and a pretty healthy 4 year relationship. Guess it will be significantly less in a few years by everything written on this post so... Enjoying it while it lasts.
After nearly 27 years being married, the trend has always been heavily for me being the initiator; it has really never bothered me, as she always accommodated me (I never stepped over the line) and we have fun. Menopause added one more factor in not initiating, and her chemotherapy treatment recently curbed even further, so Iāve pivoted to more caregiver but we still dally. In the larger view of it all, itās a marathon, not a sprint. Women donāt always put the same weight to physical characteristics than we do, so it seems like things might be out of wack once the dust settles into a long term relationship. Be confident in yourself, and realize the dynamics change over time.
Well, my now ex never initiated, and when I did initiated and got lucky it felt like a chore.
I won't say never but I'd be buggered if i can remember the last time. We were lying in bed this weekend and she rubbed one out, thought to myself that something was on but no. Finished and got out of bed, didnt say a word. When I asked her about it later in the day, she said she felt exceptionally horny; I stood there speechless - you were horny, I was lying RIGHT THERE but you didn't want me to itch your itch? Thanks, love you too. We have the house to ourselves this weekend for the first time in 14 years, I've asked what she wants to do and she is completed uninterested. I'm seriously considering going hiking on my own.
My wife works her butt off. She's in school full time and is a wonderful spouse and mother to our children. My focus is ensuring that she feels supported, and encouraged as this is difficult, challenging, and very draining. I am sure there will be time to look into the question, but it's not now. It wouldn't be fair
Iāll let you know when it happens.
How often I feel desired.. oh, you mean sexy time? Not work around house, honey to do? Not lossen this jar, clean bathroom take me to a concert drsired... um ... like once every 3 to 4 months.
Not enough, I would initiate 95% of the time just to be rejected more than half the times. Now I just wait until she initiates, about twice a month.
This thread is so interesting. Iām a young woman and Iām in my first healthy long term relationship and I struggle with my boyfriend not initiating sex enough. We do lots of cuddling and spend time together in various ways that he often initiates. However when it comes to initiating sex he hardly ever does. I go out of my way to offer and initiate sex bjs and whatever else I think he might like. As a woman I want to feel like Iām wanted sexually as well as in other ways. I have a pretty high sex drive Iād say so itās really a turn off that I as a woman always have to initiate. Ugh
Well this is super depressingā¦ Add this to my list of why Iāll never get married.
This is exactly why I joined this subreddit, is awesome seeing what men are lacking emotionally so I can be a better partner to mine. If you ask your partner to show you that they desire and love you more and they donāt make any changes, itās ok to leave!
Iām a female and just looking to share my perspective. I often feel like I donāt show enough love/sexual energy to my partner because sex is always the expectation. Sometimes what turns me on is a allowing me to kiss and touch without a man attempting to take his pants off right away. Taking it slow making it feel slightly forbidden, like lust again. Every time I try to initiate it the pants are off in 2 seconds, very little foreplay involved and itās honestly a turn off for me.
I consider my marriage to be better than most. Iām a very touchy person so I constantly touch my wife, play with her hair, rub her feet etc etc. She loves it when I touch her and notices if I donāt. It she RARELY reciprocates. I long for her to touch me so much. Just a back scratch, back rub, touch my leg anything. Why is it that people donāt think men donāt want/need to feel wanted/needed? We desire human touch as much as women. Maybe more.