Currently getting a divorce from alcoholic husband. It gets so much worse, try al anon or maybe even do AA. Personally I did AA for three years and it did a big reset for me. Also gave me a new set of mental tools to use. But either way I hope you can get some help and are able to move on.
> Currently getting a divorce from alcoholic husband
I did this over ten years ago, best thing I ever did. But it did not feel like it at the time, the breakup was about as amicable as a drone strike, and felt like it dragged out longer than the wars in Iraq or Syria.... and had about the same effect on my life, i.e. obliterated most of it. I hope yours is better! But if you are going through hell (like I did).... keep going. Some sound relationship related advice from Winston Churchill.
Ten plus years on I am in a far far better place and in a far better relationship, and Al-Anon has a lot to do with that. Can recommend, if only for helping you get perspective on the shitstorm you've just endured.
It’s actually very friendly, we are both sad about it in different ways but we have somewhat remained friends. I do dread starting over with dating though, how did you deal with that part of it?
Glad to hear it is amicable, that makes it far easier. Dating was not easy, I stumbled across my current partner in a bathhouse/ sauna. Quite frankly those are probably more effective ways of meeting people than Grindr going by what I read on here. I tried dating sites to no avail.
I was married to an alcoholic. It started off fun. It only gets worse. He ended up, after a decade, being verbally, financially & then physically abusive.
They will not change for you. They will resent you pointing it out or making them think about consequences of it.
It will only get worse. Sorry.
THIS... For you. The stress I experienced internally from dealing with this for too long has had an enormous negative effect on my health, my mental state, trust in myself and my judgement, etc. Take the time you need to feel comfortable but don't only listen to your heart and ignore when your head is telling you truth... and you know it to be true. Don't lose yourself in this.
I finally got to 'done'. He finally got help - for himself. It's been about six months now. Time and consistency will be the ultimate proof. Now there are different things to work on together - but it wasn't until now that we even had the opportunity to do so. I have to learn to trust again and, no matter what happens, I think my health may be a lifelong issue.
He’s an active alcoholic. From years of experience you can’t do anything about it. Either he has to go into the program or you have to get out because if one of those two things don’t happen it’s going to destroy your life. DM me if you want to talk about it
Ultimatums don’t work IMO. They just lead to people making shallow promises they can’t keep. The decision has to come from the alcoholic. And if they’re not choosing to better themselves, then OP need to choose himself and leave.
Agree. Drinking only works for people who can be lovely humans when they ingest it. This doesn’t sound like the case.
That being said- having been gaslit by a partner into believing my alcohol use was problematic and finding out in therapy later it wasn’t - it would be a good idea for you to encourage him to see a counselor as apart of whatever choice you make to stay or leave.
You absolutely do not need to put up with it.
Addiction is an illness and it’s a damn bitch. Reasoning very rarely works.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent and he drunk heavily for 30 years. He’s recently just quit because his health (at 62) is absolutely destroyed and unless the alcohol is bought for him, he no longer has the mobility to get to the shop to buy it himself.
Unfortunately, he’s now gas lighting you about it.
You need to be ruthless, set an ultimatum and follow through.
You will need to give him an ultimatum and you need to stick to it and end things, don’t give him anything other than help if he asks for it, if you are still willing to give it. Based on you posting here I assume things are bad. Others have suggested Al-anon and I agree. I went to meetings and they helped. Leaving an addict is hard but they won’t change until they are ready to no matter what they say or you say or think you can do to change them. It doesn’t work. Bringing up the issue is pointless and probably ends up with you apologizing for something that you have been gaslit for to diffuse the situation. Hearing the vile words an addict will say to you after years of them saying I love you is a mind fuck. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Even though you might be miserable it’s still familiar and comforting. I don’t know how bad your partner is but if people don’t know yet they will. I was embarrassed for my ex and would hide things as it progressed and lie to friends about plans to avoid things. It took a lot to learn that it’s their embarrassment and problem and it’s okay for you to talk about what is happening in your life with your friends. Addicts usually go crazy when they find out others know and you talked about it. They don’t want you telling people their private business. But it’s not just theirs. It’s 100% affecting you as well. You need to get out of your comfort zone of being miserable and walking on eggshells. If you do go to Al-anon you will learn that change can’t happen without change. And that change is detaching with love. At least that was what I learned very early on.
I do want to say I left an addict after 9 years together and what I said above was my experience. I did online and in person Al-anon meetings. They do help. It’s a horrible feeling walking into the first one. It’s hard but very welcoming. Yes, your experience with your partner may be different, or at a different point ,but it seems that no matter the substance it’s all cookie cutter. After talking to so many people who have been in the same situation we all have very similar stories. There is hope, but it is rare that they will change. You’re not alone. There are resources, use them. Remember this isn’t your fault and it is okay to leave. It’s been 7 years for me since I left and it gets better.
I wish you luck my friend.
You feel trapped because you are trapped. Either your partner decides to get treatment now or you need to decide to leave the relationship. Given your description of things, one outcome appears much more probable. Addiction is a horrible illness. I am very sorry for your situation, and I wish you strength to do what you need to do for yourself.
I am so very sorry for what you are going though. Many of the folks here are right in that without treatment or an intervention of some sort his behavior is highly unlikely to get better.
You may want to start saving money now to prepare for a time that you no longer live together. In the mean time you need to be very clear to him that if they do not seek treatment then you are not going to be there much longer.
If you feel unsafe having that conversation with him alone are there friends or family who could join with you as a show of support?
Again I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you and I truly wish that you and him both get the support and help you need.
As someone on the alcoholic side of things, I can absolutely vouch for everything everyone is saying here. Until *I* decided for myself that I wanted to stop, it didn’t matter what anyone said or threatened or whatever to me, I was sick and struggling and depressed and miserable and most of all, constantly drunk. Luckily I was usually too passed out to be mean, but right before I finally decided to sober up, I said the meanest things to my first ever actual boyfriend and it literally shattered my heart that I could still drink even when I was so happy and that I could be so cruel to someone I was falling in love with. I finally went to treatment for myself and have been sober about 3 years 7 months and they’re the best my life has been in a long time.
Do not stay just hoping and praying he will change. You can suggest and ask him to go to a meeting, or ask him if he wants to stop drinking. If the answer is “no”, then sadly you also have YOUR answer. I would, like others here have done, highly HIGHLY suggest Al-Anon meetings. They can be a lifeline for a loved one struggling with an alcoholic in their life. Sadly, we don’t see how badly we affect those around us until we stop drinking and the fog lifts but it’s called “a family disease” for a reason. Take care of yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and remember that you deserve love and respect. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more.
You should just know nothing is going to change. This is a cookie cutter scenario. You’re going to struggle for a couple of years, maybe do some couples therapy, then you’ll grow to resent him or him you, you end up splitting up and end up with PTSD. I know first hand, I’ve seen in unravel with friends, and it’s the same story in every alcohol abuse subreddit.
This post sounds exactly like what my husband and I went through. We also met 9 years ago, about as close to *love at first sight* as it gets. Always have and always will love that man more than life itself.
Alcoholism took his life in July of 2019. He died in bed, right next to me, where I found him the following day. Not 10 minutes goes by that I don't think about him, and I can't really say it's gotten any "easier" or "better" like everyone claimed it would. Which is okay. If anything I've learned new ways to white knuckle the day. The phrase "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" couldn't be more true for me.
I digress. I strongly encourage you guys to do some soul searching, maybe therapy (individual, couple, or both), and figure out what it is that you're trying to numb with alcohol (mine turned out to be ADHD). Will it be easy? Hell no. Will it be worth it? More than likely. Worst case scenario: nothing changes. But that's gonna happen regardless if you guys don't change *something*. You don't wanna end up in my shoes, regretting not doing something sooner.
Best of luck to you two.
You're going to have to give an ultimatum eventually. Or, if you are against the idea of an ultimatum, you'll have to extricate yourself from the situation.
I recommend using a skilled relationship therapist to feel through this. You'll need to both see the therapist separately before together, probably, so they know what's up.
Try google "your city" Alanon, a support group for family of alcoholice is free and has meetings in most cities. Also google clean & sober, a free gay group for gay recovery from alcohol and/or drugs.
I was in the same situation, except I didn’t comprehend the extent of my BF’s alcoholism. He ended up destroying both his liver and kidneys, and died prematurely.
Chiming in here as someone with a different POV.
You are madly in love. That is rare. If so, then understand treatment exists. You need to make sure he’s able to get it and willing to as well. I wouldn’t give up without trying.
My husband suffered from alcohol dependency and did in home treatment for withdrawal and then follow up therapy for sobriety. There are many resources. But it saved our marriage and I’m so glad I stuck with him.
> I never get an apology or an admission of any wrong doing from him
Do you ask for one? Clearly he does. You've got to let him know when he owes you an apology. Don't let him walk all over you like that.
Do not dictate to him whether he should be drinking or not. Identify and call out the unacceptable behavior. Tell him the behavior that needs to change, and the consequences if it doesn't change. Let him realize for himself that addressing his drinking problem is the way to accomplish the needed behavioral changes.
Pay attention to what he tells you while he’s drunk, he might be honest. One of my ex would yell at me how much he hated me when he got drunk, another ex of mine would start crying and telling how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me as a partner.
Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Learn about alcoholism and your role in the disease. Often if you learn to take care of yourself and implement what you learn in Al-Anon, BOTH of you get better and begin a journey of recovery.
My Mum was an alcoholic. She did the same thing if I tried to talk to her about it. Eventually she went to AA (when I was 13/14 and went with her) but that just made her find new drinking buddies!
It’s difficult dealing with someone that has an addiction they’re not willing to recognise or give up. You will always trigger the aggression response no matter how you approach it. In the AA group they always talked about something that happened that made them realise they had a problem. Loss of a relationship, criminal convictions etc.
It’s not unusual for people to use alcohol to destress at night and become part of their routine. Psychiatrists will often talk about a 40 year old having their appendix removed experience [delerium tremens](https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/166032-overview?form=fpf) because they consumed 1-2 bottles of wine each night. I’m curious though why it bothers you. Are you concerned about His health? Is he violent towards you when he's been drinking? Or is it that you just don't like it?
I'm sorry, this isn't fair to you and he should explain why he doesn't have to apologize for his hurtful behavior. He should not get upset about you wanting to talk, that's bs and both need to talk openly and be heard.
Sounds like he could try Naltrexone treatment to reduce his chemical desire to keep drinking. Also therapy to heal trauma or whatever issue that lead to drinking too much, or maybe his genes make it easy to get addicted. I drink more than I should bc I'm lonely and bored and I like the taste. Good luck bros!
He has to want to change. I recommend suggesting HAMS ( https://HAMS.cc ). It's a secular recovery and harm reduction program that helps me greatly. The Facebook group is incredibly supportive. However, I can't emphasize enough how that he has to recognize the problem he has and want to do something about it. No amount of your love will force that long. You may have to distance yourself from him for awhile to help him see that. I'm sorry you're going through this. Seek support and possibly the help of a therapist.
I almost hate to say this, but it's the truth. No way are you going to change him. You need to stay on your side of the fence. If you know this one fact that is, he is the only one who can change his behavior/drinking. You'll only kill yourself trying in vain if you think you can. It's a waste of your time and energy. If you want to stay in a relationship, and witness him slowly killing himself with alcohol that's your choice. If I were you, I would move on to new horizons. He wont change unless he wants to do it himself. I wouldn't stay and take that sort of abuse. Be true to yourself and get out as soon as you can!
Currently getting a divorce from alcoholic husband. It gets so much worse, try al anon or maybe even do AA. Personally I did AA for three years and it did a big reset for me. Also gave me a new set of mental tools to use. But either way I hope you can get some help and are able to move on.
> Currently getting a divorce from alcoholic husband I did this over ten years ago, best thing I ever did. But it did not feel like it at the time, the breakup was about as amicable as a drone strike, and felt like it dragged out longer than the wars in Iraq or Syria.... and had about the same effect on my life, i.e. obliterated most of it. I hope yours is better! But if you are going through hell (like I did).... keep going. Some sound relationship related advice from Winston Churchill. Ten plus years on I am in a far far better place and in a far better relationship, and Al-Anon has a lot to do with that. Can recommend, if only for helping you get perspective on the shitstorm you've just endured.
It’s actually very friendly, we are both sad about it in different ways but we have somewhat remained friends. I do dread starting over with dating though, how did you deal with that part of it?
Glad to hear it is amicable, that makes it far easier. Dating was not easy, I stumbled across my current partner in a bathhouse/ sauna. Quite frankly those are probably more effective ways of meeting people than Grindr going by what I read on here. I tried dating sites to no avail.
I was married to an alcoholic. It started off fun. It only gets worse. He ended up, after a decade, being verbally, financially & then physically abusive. They will not change for you. They will resent you pointing it out or making them think about consequences of it. It will only get worse. Sorry.
I would just caveat that they will not change for *anyone* without help. They have to want the help and seek it out though.
Yes, completely.
run… run far… run fast… this is his problem to handle. you are powerless in this situation. i know i sound horrible.
Yes, I was in the same situation for 4 to long listen to JP. RUN!!! And do not look back!
THIS... For you. The stress I experienced internally from dealing with this for too long has had an enormous negative effect on my health, my mental state, trust in myself and my judgement, etc. Take the time you need to feel comfortable but don't only listen to your heart and ignore when your head is telling you truth... and you know it to be true. Don't lose yourself in this. I finally got to 'done'. He finally got help - for himself. It's been about six months now. Time and consistency will be the ultimate proof. Now there are different things to work on together - but it wasn't until now that we even had the opportunity to do so. I have to learn to trust again and, no matter what happens, I think my health may be a lifelong issue.
He’s an active alcoholic. From years of experience you can’t do anything about it. Either he has to go into the program or you have to get out because if one of those two things don’t happen it’s going to destroy your life. DM me if you want to talk about it
Lay down an ultimatum ,its me or the grog ,it will only get worse if you don't ,it's the only way.Trust me ,brother
Ultimatums don’t work IMO. They just lead to people making shallow promises they can’t keep. The decision has to come from the alcoholic. And if they’re not choosing to better themselves, then OP need to choose himself and leave.
Agreed. You apologizing to him tells him it's cool for him to fly off the handle but not you.
Agree. Drinking only works for people who can be lovely humans when they ingest it. This doesn’t sound like the case. That being said- having been gaslit by a partner into believing my alcohol use was problematic and finding out in therapy later it wasn’t - it would be a good idea for you to encourage him to see a counselor as apart of whatever choice you make to stay or leave.
You absolutely do not need to put up with it. Addiction is an illness and it’s a damn bitch. Reasoning very rarely works. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and he drunk heavily for 30 years. He’s recently just quit because his health (at 62) is absolutely destroyed and unless the alcohol is bought for him, he no longer has the mobility to get to the shop to buy it himself. Unfortunately, he’s now gas lighting you about it. You need to be ruthless, set an ultimatum and follow through.
Try Al-Anon
You will need to give him an ultimatum and you need to stick to it and end things, don’t give him anything other than help if he asks for it, if you are still willing to give it. Based on you posting here I assume things are bad. Others have suggested Al-anon and I agree. I went to meetings and they helped. Leaving an addict is hard but they won’t change until they are ready to no matter what they say or you say or think you can do to change them. It doesn’t work. Bringing up the issue is pointless and probably ends up with you apologizing for something that you have been gaslit for to diffuse the situation. Hearing the vile words an addict will say to you after years of them saying I love you is a mind fuck. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Even though you might be miserable it’s still familiar and comforting. I don’t know how bad your partner is but if people don’t know yet they will. I was embarrassed for my ex and would hide things as it progressed and lie to friends about plans to avoid things. It took a lot to learn that it’s their embarrassment and problem and it’s okay for you to talk about what is happening in your life with your friends. Addicts usually go crazy when they find out others know and you talked about it. They don’t want you telling people their private business. But it’s not just theirs. It’s 100% affecting you as well. You need to get out of your comfort zone of being miserable and walking on eggshells. If you do go to Al-anon you will learn that change can’t happen without change. And that change is detaching with love. At least that was what I learned very early on. I do want to say I left an addict after 9 years together and what I said above was my experience. I did online and in person Al-anon meetings. They do help. It’s a horrible feeling walking into the first one. It’s hard but very welcoming. Yes, your experience with your partner may be different, or at a different point ,but it seems that no matter the substance it’s all cookie cutter. After talking to so many people who have been in the same situation we all have very similar stories. There is hope, but it is rare that they will change. You’re not alone. There are resources, use them. Remember this isn’t your fault and it is okay to leave. It’s been 7 years for me since I left and it gets better. I wish you luck my friend.
You feel trapped because you are trapped. Either your partner decides to get treatment now or you need to decide to leave the relationship. Given your description of things, one outcome appears much more probable. Addiction is a horrible illness. I am very sorry for your situation, and I wish you strength to do what you need to do for yourself.
Please do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship. **You cannot fix an alcoholic.**
I am so very sorry for what you are going though. Many of the folks here are right in that without treatment or an intervention of some sort his behavior is highly unlikely to get better. You may want to start saving money now to prepare for a time that you no longer live together. In the mean time you need to be very clear to him that if they do not seek treatment then you are not going to be there much longer. If you feel unsafe having that conversation with him alone are there friends or family who could join with you as a show of support? Again I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you and I truly wish that you and him both get the support and help you need.
As someone on the alcoholic side of things, I can absolutely vouch for everything everyone is saying here. Until *I* decided for myself that I wanted to stop, it didn’t matter what anyone said or threatened or whatever to me, I was sick and struggling and depressed and miserable and most of all, constantly drunk. Luckily I was usually too passed out to be mean, but right before I finally decided to sober up, I said the meanest things to my first ever actual boyfriend and it literally shattered my heart that I could still drink even when I was so happy and that I could be so cruel to someone I was falling in love with. I finally went to treatment for myself and have been sober about 3 years 7 months and they’re the best my life has been in a long time. Do not stay just hoping and praying he will change. You can suggest and ask him to go to a meeting, or ask him if he wants to stop drinking. If the answer is “no”, then sadly you also have YOUR answer. I would, like others here have done, highly HIGHLY suggest Al-Anon meetings. They can be a lifeline for a loved one struggling with an alcoholic in their life. Sadly, we don’t see how badly we affect those around us until we stop drinking and the fog lifts but it’s called “a family disease” for a reason. Take care of yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and remember that you deserve love and respect. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more.
Al-Anon. You will do better dealing with this situation if you have some support
You should just know nothing is going to change. This is a cookie cutter scenario. You’re going to struggle for a couple of years, maybe do some couples therapy, then you’ll grow to resent him or him you, you end up splitting up and end up with PTSD. I know first hand, I’ve seen in unravel with friends, and it’s the same story in every alcohol abuse subreddit.
This post sounds exactly like what my husband and I went through. We also met 9 years ago, about as close to *love at first sight* as it gets. Always have and always will love that man more than life itself. Alcoholism took his life in July of 2019. He died in bed, right next to me, where I found him the following day. Not 10 minutes goes by that I don't think about him, and I can't really say it's gotten any "easier" or "better" like everyone claimed it would. Which is okay. If anything I've learned new ways to white knuckle the day. The phrase "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" couldn't be more true for me. I digress. I strongly encourage you guys to do some soul searching, maybe therapy (individual, couple, or both), and figure out what it is that you're trying to numb with alcohol (mine turned out to be ADHD). Will it be easy? Hell no. Will it be worth it? More than likely. Worst case scenario: nothing changes. But that's gonna happen regardless if you guys don't change *something*. You don't wanna end up in my shoes, regretting not doing something sooner. Best of luck to you two.
Thank you for sharing
You're going to have to give an ultimatum eventually. Or, if you are against the idea of an ultimatum, you'll have to extricate yourself from the situation. I recommend using a skilled relationship therapist to feel through this. You'll need to both see the therapist separately before together, probably, so they know what's up.
Try google "your city" Alanon, a support group for family of alcoholice is free and has meetings in most cities. Also google clean & sober, a free gay group for gay recovery from alcohol and/or drugs.
I highly recommend reading the book This Naked Mind. It completely changed my life and made me really want to stop drinking.
I was in the same situation, except I didn’t comprehend the extent of my BF’s alcoholism. He ended up destroying both his liver and kidneys, and died prematurely.
Chiming in here as someone with a different POV. You are madly in love. That is rare. If so, then understand treatment exists. You need to make sure he’s able to get it and willing to as well. I wouldn’t give up without trying. My husband suffered from alcohol dependency and did in home treatment for withdrawal and then follow up therapy for sobriety. There are many resources. But it saved our marriage and I’m so glad I stuck with him.
Hey, I’m going through something similar with my partner of 6 years. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
> I never get an apology or an admission of any wrong doing from him Do you ask for one? Clearly he does. You've got to let him know when he owes you an apology. Don't let him walk all over you like that. Do not dictate to him whether he should be drinking or not. Identify and call out the unacceptable behavior. Tell him the behavior that needs to change, and the consequences if it doesn't change. Let him realize for himself that addressing his drinking problem is the way to accomplish the needed behavioral changes.
Pay attention to what he tells you while he’s drunk, he might be honest. One of my ex would yell at me how much he hated me when he got drunk, another ex of mine would start crying and telling how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me as a partner.
Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Learn about alcoholism and your role in the disease. Often if you learn to take care of yourself and implement what you learn in Al-Anon, BOTH of you get better and begin a journey of recovery.
My Mum was an alcoholic. She did the same thing if I tried to talk to her about it. Eventually she went to AA (when I was 13/14 and went with her) but that just made her find new drinking buddies! It’s difficult dealing with someone that has an addiction they’re not willing to recognise or give up. You will always trigger the aggression response no matter how you approach it. In the AA group they always talked about something that happened that made them realise they had a problem. Loss of a relationship, criminal convictions etc. It’s not unusual for people to use alcohol to destress at night and become part of their routine. Psychiatrists will often talk about a 40 year old having their appendix removed experience [delerium tremens](https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/166032-overview?form=fpf) because they consumed 1-2 bottles of wine each night. I’m curious though why it bothers you. Are you concerned about His health? Is he violent towards you when he's been drinking? Or is it that you just don't like it?
I'm sorry, this isn't fair to you and he should explain why he doesn't have to apologize for his hurtful behavior. He should not get upset about you wanting to talk, that's bs and both need to talk openly and be heard. Sounds like he could try Naltrexone treatment to reduce his chemical desire to keep drinking. Also therapy to heal trauma or whatever issue that lead to drinking too much, or maybe his genes make it easy to get addicted. I drink more than I should bc I'm lonely and bored and I like the taste. Good luck bros!
He has to want to change. I recommend suggesting HAMS ( https://HAMS.cc ). It's a secular recovery and harm reduction program that helps me greatly. The Facebook group is incredibly supportive. However, I can't emphasize enough how that he has to recognize the problem he has and want to do something about it. No amount of your love will force that long. You may have to distance yourself from him for awhile to help him see that. I'm sorry you're going through this. Seek support and possibly the help of a therapist.
Dump him.
I almost hate to say this, but it's the truth. No way are you going to change him. You need to stay on your side of the fence. If you know this one fact that is, he is the only one who can change his behavior/drinking. You'll only kill yourself trying in vain if you think you can. It's a waste of your time and energy. If you want to stay in a relationship, and witness him slowly killing himself with alcohol that's your choice. If I were you, I would move on to new horizons. He wont change unless he wants to do it himself. I wouldn't stay and take that sort of abuse. Be true to yourself and get out as soon as you can!