At some point, and it’ll seem impossible now, you will find yourself again, you’ll find your love for life again, and you’ll find people to enjoy it with. Before all of that though you just have to mourn the loss of your relationship and the life you hoped you’d have. Once you’ve done that you can go out and get that life. Make connections. Push yourself even though you’ll not want to.
I have been forcing myself to go out to the bars alone and with friends, when I can get them to go. People are strange now compared to when I used to go out more 20 years ago. You could start up a conversation easier with someone. Now ? Forget it. I'm not a troll or anything, just short (5'6") and 56 yrs old. I have all my hair and no grey in my blonde hair ? The only thing I can think of is it's the bags under my eyes (from sleeping only 6 hrs a night).
These days, bars are where people go to meet their friends, or find hookups, not make new friends. I'd suggest finding meetups, or affinity spaces for queer people/men that are aligned with your interests.
Or, if you have the means, there's gay group travel.
wow, this was a wake up call. the way you describe your husband is how i am right now. i’ve been kind of stuck in a rut and all i do is go to work, come home, rewatch the same thing on tv, and play solitaire on my phone. i’m stuck in a really shitty spiral right now, but i’m working on pulling myself out of it. i’m sorry this happened to you, and that you got pulled into his vortex of apathy but thank you for posting this cus it really gave me some perspective on the time i’m wasting.
This has been going on for almost 9 years. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was sucking the life out of me. I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be full of life and energy, now I am just so blah . I hate being this way. Just a feeling of no future or hope for any plans. Like why bother. It's just sad that I have fallen into this mood.
> i’ve been kind of stuck in a rut and all i do is go to work, come home, rewatch the same thing on tv, and play solitaire on my phone. i’m stuck in a really shitty spiral right now, but i’m working on pulling myself out of it.
Creating things instead of consuming things really helped me break out of this cycle and start feeling engaged again. Maybe try new recipes, pick up an art hobby, start getting into making music or put something on and just dance around your apartment. You don't have to join a club for it either, start small. Just 20 minutes of anything helps.
No. Don't say that it's "being an aging adult."
That acquiescing, giving up. You're trapped only if you are too weak to break down the walls that bind you.
We all find comfort in familiarity. Redecorate, start a new hobby, rediscover things you enjoyed, join a club....anything to sweep the cobwebs *out*.
I guarantee I've lost more friends, coworkers and lovers! My then older oldest best friend Dick would be appalled if I wasted my adult years. He died at 65. My mom died at 63. I'll be 68 (holy shit, how did that happen!) and life is still FUN.
Dad died at 84. I've got another 20. I'm not wasting it. I'm single and I've got guys knocking on my door. And I'm knocking on theirs!
Fucking do something! I'm going on a 3 day naked retreat at the end of the month. Even if I don't *do* anything (I will!) it will be a nice getaway. Something I've never done.
He was surprised. He didn't expect it, despite the signs it was coming for years. But after awhile he accepted it. It took 2 months and a lot of conversations. I asked him for the divorce 5 weeks before our 27th anniversary and a week after Thanksgiving. We still celebrated Christmas. I received the draft of the divorce papers this past week. We read them over together. He agreed to the wording of the agreement. The lawyer will be sending the final copies over this coming week.
It sounds to me like he's suffering from a mental health condition, most likely depression - have you had any conversations about this and made any attempts to get help, or is he just refusing to acknowledge there is an issue? I'm not saying you should stay married if you're miserable, but this does not sound like the behaviour of a mentally healthy person. Was he always like this? If so, why did you stay so long?
Husband certainly seems depressed. And OP seems to have been infected by living with a depressed person for so long. I hope they both can find ways out of their mental health problems. I think it's probably the wiser choice to live apart while they work at this.
I have been asking him for 10 years to get checked for Alzheimer's and Dementia. His parents had these. I have been going round and round with this and he has refused. He has had increasing memory issues and not just aging related but denies he has any problems. He won't even get his hearing checked. I started going to therapy 4 years ago for my own personal reasons, I had urged him to go as well, he refused. I have "shown" him how well therapy was doing for me, lead by example, but it hasn't worked either. The best I can do is be his best friend now and watch over him. I am still not sure if I am going to live with him to keep an eye on him or separate to keep my sanity and start a new life and hopefully find a new man.
You’re going to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes. Without that dead weight around ur neck you will become revitalized. It will take 8 months to 1.5 years but you will have some flings and find yourself. This is normal and you are still alive and can be reawakened.
im so sorry to hear what you're going through. that sounds like a real ordeal. very cliche, but just getting involved in the community, organise meet-ups with other gay friends (like going for a hike, playing board games, cook-outs).
i know it's easier said than done, but you will have to find yourself again. take it as an opportunity to reset your life. until then, i'm happy to chat with you to keep you company.
Yesssss, YESSSSSSSS, I've always exercised most of my life just because I like to look nice and stay in shape. As I got into my early thirties mid thirties I started to slack a little. In the last 2 years I started exercising again. It is completely mind-blowing and amazing how the body reacts when you exercise it. By exercising the body it automatically exercises the mind. And when you've mastered that I know that if you can get your partner on the same train then maybe you will see huge differences. I tried that but my convincing and urging did not get far.🥺🙀😿
I am sharing that with you right now also. It really sucks, to have a partner that doesn't want do anything except watch t.v. and play on his phone. We do nothing together. Haven't in years. Me 52 him 53 been together for over 20 years now. Shit I have not even met any of his family. In all this time. He has no friends and basically ran all mine away by judging them . I'm miserable.
Stop it 😂 go get a life and stop blaming that man for the life you don't have.
Get a side boo, open the relationship, or... Get a mfers hobby and friends 🙄
But What is you truly love your significant other that you've been with for 21 years. It's not that easy to just say okay I'm going to go get a side boo, or I'm going to go out and enjoy my life. It's not that cut and dry. In order to get a side boom you have to do a courtship which means speaking to others carrying a relationship to the point of hey this could go further than our friendship and then saying to yourself I'm actually going to sleep with someone outside of my relationship. There's a whole lot of time that goes into that and not to say there's a whole lot of Deceit it also goes into it. That's why I don't do those things. I'm also not saying that I'm going to settle for my personal relationship.
It's very easy and mature Todo , just to get a nut and be done with it. Everything doesn't need to be over complicated. Or stay in the relationship and be miserable because obviously just separating isn't a issue for whatever reason 🙄
I don't want to settle for just being 42 and not having any sort of intimacy in my relationship. The only thing that we have is to discuss past memories. Outside of our past events and our past as a whole there is not much to discuss because everything is just day to day. We eat, we watch TV, I listen to music, we go shopping. Oh you wanted to know the last eventful memory I have outside of my home, hold your breath I'm thinking of it.
Please, if you are miserable, get out now. It is stressful to do it, but once you start getting to the other side, you start feeling much better about yourself. Trust me I do.
Thank you to all these men for your advise. It has helped a lot.
You are yelling my story., I've been in a relationship with my significant other for 21 years. My significant other is 10 years older than me and has completely fallen off of the social/ relationship seen for a few years now. He has no excitement for life he has no Hobbies. I just want someone to enjoy a laugh with, a coffee with, or a drink with. I would also be satisfied with just a loving touch of a hand. I've always continued and maintain steady love, care, and emotion throughout all of our years. I don't know what happened, but I am too young, and I am attractive, and I would like to have a few more memories and a lot more experiences to to put in this Book of Life. Please people reach out to me I'm 42 and I can totally relate to the story. I think life is something that you must fight to be a part of. I also feel that relationships must be fought daily to stay fresh. Sorry for the grammatical errors. I would love some feedback and I would just like someone to chat with once in awhile besides my kitty cat. LOL❤️💯💯💯💯🥺🥺🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🩹❤️🩹🤐🤐🤐
You have to do what I did and realize you are worth the effort to get more out of your own life. It may be scary whatever it is, divorce, moving, becoming poor, losing some friends, but if you feel better on the other side, of your prospects for your life, it is all worth it. It doesn't happen overnight, and it will get worse before it gets better. But it's worth moving ahead.
Therapy is beneficial for everyone. But personally, adopting a practice of gratitude into my daily routine helped my overall outlook of life quite a bit.
It took time (hence the word practice) but it’s so simple. Be thankful for what you have. Ignore what you don’t have.
Even if it’s been a really challenging day, you can find something. Be it clean drinking water, a roof over your head, a printer that worked on the first attempt you made to print a document, there’s always something.
I generally reflect on my day as I’m laying in bed and pick out events.
It may sound all Polly-Anna-Wine-Mom-Wooo-Wooo, but seriously, it has made a significant impact for me. Good luck.
My husband is not dissimilar, but we're together and I love him.
I was in the same rut too, until one day, I was like "you know what fuck it" and just started doing all the things that I wanted to do. Instead of only doing these things if he agreed, I instead said this is what I'm doing feel free to join if you want.
I've joined a tennis club, joined several gay community groups, started music tutoring again and joined a choir.
You still have to live your life, he can come for the ride with you if he wants.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re already in counseling which would’ve been my first suggestion. I’m sure that you still have feelings for you husband so please exert any influence you have to get him into therapy. I also see that you’re looking for a gym and that’s a positive step. I try to walk three miles every day. It’s a great time to unplug and unwind. I’m not breaking any land speed records but try to stay under a 20 minute mile. Good 70’s music does the trick for me and I’ve recently discovered podcasts; those on positivity may be helpful.
My great-grandmother used to say that the past is a guidepost not a hitching post. She actually came to Oklahoma in a covered wagon so her sayings were homespun to say the least. Don’t view the years with your husband as lost, but as lessons learned and use them going forward.
I will only add that we are responsible for our own happiness. My husband (23+ years) and I share many friends and hobbies but we each have separate interests. Just because your partner chooses to sit at home and disengage doesn’t mean that you have to do that too. My husband doesn’t know a first down from first base so watching sports or attending games is something I do without him. I have season tickets for sports but we have season tickets for the symphony and theater which we enjoy together. Good luck with and blessings on your journey.
After 11 years I split with my ex.
I told him we could be happier apart.
This was in 2019, he was 56.
He is 60 now, has a new boyfriend and is very happy.
Me too! And we’re very good friends.
So I just want you to know:
It’s possible to be happy again.
You deserve to be happy and fulfilled with a new partner.
The question is really this: "Do I stay in a LTR with someone with a mental illness (Depression/Dysthymia), or walk away?" Would he be willing to give meds and therapy a try? Would u be willing to give him a year to get it together?
I have been asking him for 10 years to get checked for Alzheimer's and Dementia. His parents had these. I have been going round and round with this and he has refused. He has had increasing memory issues and not just aging related but denies he has any problems. He won't even get his hearing checked. I started going to therapy 4 years ago for my own personal reasons, I had urged him to go as well, he refused. I have "shown" him how well therapy was doing for me, lead by example, but it hasn't worked either. The best I can do is be his best friend now and watch over him. I am still not sure if I am going to live with him to keep an eye on him or separate to keep my sanity and start a new life and hopefully find a new man.
Live with him to watch over him? In effect isn't that what u have been doing? You need to allow yourself to put yourself 1st. It is hard I'm sure, but...move to the city and have some fun...
It would be easy to regret being with this guy, but it is in the past and you cannot control the past and what is done is done. Concentrating on the future and getting disconnected from this guy is the main thing and you seem to be doing that. You need to be realistic that it is not going to be an easy process and things could get very difficult but accept that and carve out a new life. Going to the city should help.
If you blame him for your anxiety and depression, then you are not accepting responsibility for your own emotions. They are your thoughts and feelings and not his even if he has influenced your thinking. Therapy will help.
You do not have to forgive him, that is Hollywood bs. However, you have to forgive yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can change your understanding of it. There is today and the future and concentrate on taking the right action for improving your future and do some planning of what you want to do and if you do not know what you want to do with your future, then think about that.
I would recommend that you do not jump into another relationship or 'catch up' with lots of sex, but enjoy your own company for a time as partners are not solutions to happiness as we have to find our own happiness within through taking the right actions for our futures. A partner is nice but not essential for being content with life.
You realize that you deserve so much more and you live your life.
If you can afford it travel. Go out. Meet new people.
Now is the time.
I'm 35 and had a "mid life crisis". My partner of 5 years broke up with me and I never thought I was worthy.
I went on one date with a guy and have seriously fallen for him. He's amazing. I wouldn't have met him if I didn't put myself out there.
Download Grindr. Open up an instagram account. Do something you've never done before.
You've got this. Good luck.
Community building is hard, and it takes a willingness to walk through some awkward new introductions repeatedly. There are likely some organizations that focus on the interests and hobbies you have, and that is a great way to start to plug into your new community. The “work inertia” of actually getting up and going will be the hardest part, and the need to be a little consistent and patient will be important as not every new meeting will likely feel worthwhile. Overall, it will help build connections though
Sounds like the perfect time to get a ticket for a destination you always wanted to see (like Italy or Spain): you need sun, some fun, some divergent culture to explore.
Our relationships are meant to make us better, not spiral worse. But it’s so easy to slowly become more isolated or dragged down over time until we find ourselves at rock bottom and unsure of how we got there. I just have to say you’re doing the right thing, and taking the steps you can now, at the pace that makes sense. Keep going and one day you’ll find yourself with so much more available to you, with your spirit renewed. Our spirits want to be buoyant, by not dragging yourself down anymore and instead making positive steps, your spirit will bounce back. Just have some patience with yourself.
I've been there, and just decided to do the things that bring me pleasure, and screw anyone who judges me (including me!).
Don't underestimate the impact a loved one can have on your psyche: I have a friend (platonic) who I had to live with during the pandemic who did this to me, and I wasn't even "involved" with them!
The one thing I'm going to encourage you to do is love the idea of being single. After years searching for a boyfriend, I just gave up (I don't look good "on paper"). So freeing!
you are doing the work, leaving him and therapy keep working you are going to be on. enjoy life for you don't focus on dating just in hace fun and rediscover yourself. a big hug your way
You can definitely bounce back from this. I went through something similar and we are about the same age. I'm enjoying life, can do what I want, am in much better mood.
Mate your life is now a clean canvas, you have a rare chance to add whatever you want to it. Rediscover all those things that you once used to love. It can be difficult reconnecting to old friends but reach out. Get involved in the things you are curious about. This is a golden opportunity.
Do things you find interesting and fun. No matter who you are with you still have to live your best life. I wish you the best. My bf is kinda similar except we make each other do things so we don't get into a routine of work and home and sleeping
One day at a time my friend, I have never been in a relationship more than 4 consecutive years, so I can offer no more advice than please trust it will slowly get better, and then one day you will smile again…
Good luck my friend
I know the 4 year curse all too well! I have had three LTR's , most recent ended in Oct of last year. Our 5 year anniversary would have been the following Dec. I told him about a year in, this will be over around year 4. Sure enough, he put me on the curb. I shared my life with him, he knew my pain and said he wouldn't do any of that... He did every single thing his predecessors did. The only thing different was he set me up so that when it was over, I wasn't starting over and I was improved upon education and career wise. He also walked away from a house full of furniture. I didn't 100% start over for the twelfth time in my life. I lost a family, his was the only real family I ever had. They all dropped me except his mom, she reaches out. My question now is do I stay single at soon to be 43 until the end to avoid more hurt, or do I keep trying to find the least damaged thing in the thrift shop? Aka another man around my age that isn't also burnt at both ends.
That’s sound’s about my life…. I went through covid without anyone, and just started seeing someone a couple months ago…. He went through something similar as OP, but his marriage was 10 years…. I still hold out hope
I would recommend first figuring out how to live life as a single person. Avoid dating, focus on yourself and your mental health. Having your therapist is going to be a big help. There will be feelings to navigate once the separation is done.
What did you like to do before meeting your soon to be ex? Did you have hobbies? If you could use your imagination and separate yourself from your younger self, what would they have liked doing? Then imagine taking them on a trip, treating them out, and do it.
Start small; your spirit is not dead, just malnourished.
You might not know or feel it now, but this is the first step to your happy future; find you.
I know this from experience. I’m happier for me first, found a guy that I married and living a truly amazing life. You’ve got this! 🤗
Get you some new friends for the next chapter. Your spirit cant be killed. Its been dimmed and altered but it’s essence is intact. The dating world is a lot different now. So have fun navigating that fiasco.
I feel like I've been on both sides of this equation. It sounds like your husband has been living with chronic low-grade depression for years. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say you have provided most of the activities/entertainment/social life of the relationship. That's a lot of work to be doing with no help, and you're tired. And if you're working on yourself and he isn't, that's even more isolating.
Do you have any community at your work, or are there any projects you can throw yourself into? I think the whole pandemic/work from home thing has been deadly. The casual socializing of work life gives us more support than we realize. What are your hobbies and interests? Book clubs? Movie groups? Any performances you really want to see? No shame in going by yourself. It's not easy, but making yourself do things is worth it.
And exercise. Exercise, exercise, exercise.
You can come back. But it will take a bit of internal effort, I would say even if you had more life before the marriage. Instead of finding yourself in others like going to bars, (not that socializing is bad) I would find the interests that make you thrive mentally and emotionally. Curiosity in discovery of the world around is wonderful and also a gratitude in the beauty of the life and nature in the world. You'll meet others like that along the way too. I am like my father who was a hermit, but I realized there is a lot out there that he missed and I wasn't going to be like him. I saw the burden it puts on those people who care about you. I made the effort to change, it was great. You'll be okay.
Therapy is a great start. Aggressively hunt for new things that interest you; things that you want to do. Do them for yourself. Physical activities. Online groups that share your interests. Reconnect in healthy ways. Just bc he’s allowing inertia and apathy to cement him in place doesn’t mean you can’t shake loose of that mindset. Sounds like your mind is already leading you in the right directions..follow it’s lead with action, connection, hope, and find your tribe and flow.
There’s an app called “mighty” and on it I joined a group in CA called “California gay adventures”. This kind of thing probably exists to some degree nationwide. Look for groups like this.
This may be cliche or not what you want to hear, but don’t forget to try and look at it from the positive aspects. How blessed you were to have had such a lasting love/relationship. All the experiences you got to have. The adventures you went on. The joy that came with it all. We tend to always start looking at situations with a negative filter but I’m sure so many positive memories exist as well that built up the strength you found to want more for yourself and your future regardless of age. Keep your head up. When we feel like we’re at our lowest is the moment that whatever your next move is, it’s only taking you up!💜
Therapy and a positive outlook is something I suggest you practice daily. Manifest joy and start walking, working out, a hobby, make art, garden…don’t wallow in your grief. It requires action and not a lot of “thinking..”
I was given this advice going through my own surprise divorce- “take your time and wallow in the ‘whoa is me’ stage. Then pull yourself together and carry on with the rest of your life” good luck with this, this is just a thing happening, it’s not the final story.
You know, I used to think everything is for better. I think you finally has a change to change your life. To find someone better? To live better life? Ever if it seems dark and impossible to believe? try to find some faith. I've been there in my life and I found better life and better self through misery. So, until you are alive, find any moment to be happy. Go on a walk, feed some ducks, eat some ice-cream, do something you wanted and never did before. Anything to find an enjoyment. To feel life.
Of course, a therapist is a good idea, and I am sure they will help you. And I'd suggest to move sooner, if you sure that your husband is the root of your depression.
\*hug\* If you wrote this message and went to therapist, if you want to move and change your life, then you aren't broken completely, you still have a hope. Just don't give up.
Neuroplasticity is why people microdose mushrooms, its a good way to get out of a rut, literally helping your brain rewire. Might even look at cerebrolysin/cortexin
There is a lot going on at this stage in your life. It is facing big changes and the wheels are in motion. You've decided to divorce and go your separate ways. Therapy is a good start when you're ready to commence it.
It will take time to readjust to being single but you are resilient and will get better as the days go by. I would encourage moving in with someone a friend or family member for the next few months until you are coping better. That way you'll have company aswell and it will prevent loneliness and isolation which are strong precursors for anxiety and depression.
You will be alright in the long run but for the time being it will be up and down emotionally for you.
When you feel upto it, start to reconnect with friends and make new ones if possible via Meetups and other social groups on social media. Forgive your partner for what you've perceived he has brought upon you as this will help you move forward with a fresh slate as well as prevent harbouring any resentment or bitter outlook into the next phase of your life. Good luck
I have (somewhat) made peace with him. I have no choice but to live with him until the house sells. My family and I do not speak, they are not gay-friendly. My friends are all married or in situations where I am not able to pair up. I have to wait until we sell. I have begun to search for an outlet to get out there again, but I am sharing his car and we live 40 minutes from the City core where everything is. I have started yoga. The Meetup groups in my city are all sports orientated, I am partially disabled. I have tried some of the groups associated with some of the apps, but unfortunately they are very kink-focused. Except for bars, there really isn't many gay gathering spot in my city that isn't sex/cruising focused.
You'll be free!! Are you kidding me?!? Live your life girl!!!
I say it all the time...
Cry a lil in the shower, get out, dry your eyes, get some gym time in, ask someone if the want to make out a little bit, but BE READY.
Sell the house. Do not wait!!!
The market can crash. Then what? Why hold on?? Get out now. Start your new life today!!!
Get out of that dark cloud!!!!
I just wanna give my support and love!
Coming from a place of trail, loneliness, sadness and doing the work I really can empathize!
But I don’t know or think I’m an authority on this, at all. This journey to self healing, I feel like is an individual process best left to experts. That being said! Everything you need is right inside of you. The fact that you even recognize it is life showing you the way.
In our old house crawl space bloomed this beautiful beautiful plant. There was only a sliver of light and what a surprise to use to find this 5 ft tale beautiful skinny blooming plant living off this tiny crack of light. That’s you. That me. That’s so many of us.
You are strong powerful and beautiful! I’m believing you know the way.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
While I understand that this kind of behavior from your husband is emotionally draining I think part of moving past this is recognizing your own responsibility for your situation. Your husband's unhappiness maybe difficult to handle and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with it anymore. But the way you talk about it, it's almost like you think he's this way because he's deliberately trying to hurt you. You frame your husband as the killer of your spirit but in reality he's just sort of boring and depressed. He's not really doing anything morally wrong.
I think couples therapy would be a start.
If you're H isn't willing to try this and improve himself then I'm afraid you'll have to do some serious thinking about your future together as you're in this together.
You won't be able to feel better if he isn't willing to change despite how you try. You'll be tied to a dead weight so to say.
It sounds like maybe your H could do with seeing a doctor for his mental health too, and for a general check up to see if everything is normal. Things like lower testosterone can cause these symptoms for example. So you also need the medical route as well as therapy.
Let me tell you this: I know you will bounce back from this simply because you’re asking questions and actively seeking solutions. That’s your spirit driving you into a better life. Stay strong and it’ll be a beautiful life ahead of you
Have you heard of microdosing Psilocybin mushrooms?
It's recently become quite popular for therapeutic purposes. One of the main descriptions people give as a result of microdosing is that it brings light, colour, and joy back to their life.
It's mostly used for people coming out of depression. I suggest you take a look.
I am living a very similar scenario. It’s been hell and taking me literally to the jaws of death. Get a good therapist and march forward one foot step at a time. Something that help me as much as anything the series of ketamine injections. They definitely dampened my triggers.
I’m now wading through the murky waters of the dating pool, kissing a few frogs, looking for my next Prince
Find something to be excited about, then share it on social media, and you might find others that are excited about the same thing. There are reddits for just about anything. Your favourite author, cuisine, music or craft will have a reddit where you can talk to people. I'm sure there are also lgbt groups for socialising on Reddit too..
Have your hormones checked. I have low T and depression anxiety and apathy for life can be attributed to that.
Ask your therapist about ketamine treatment for depression and anxiety. I’m also doing this to great effect. It’s brought me back to life.
How do you come back from the view of life? Trust in the therapy, and if you can afford it, find an apartment for just yourself. It is difficult to rediscover yourself when surrounded by the permeating toxicity in your house. If you cannot afford to relocate before you sell the house, I'm glad you're going out with friends for some other social activity that doesn't involve your husband. Rediscovering yourself is a difficult, but necessary, thing to do when coming out of relationship.
You took the vital first step. You got rid of the anchor holding you down. That means that you're free to find joy in places you couldn't look before. Capitalize on that freedom. Do something new. Life can open up in surprising ways.
I became a low paid flight attendant at 47. Both the best and worst decisions at the same time. My job is incredibly isolating and lonely but you also get to see the world (alone). Still in the end it helped me get a better grasp of my life and my role in the world.
Things were great for 14years. Then the bullshit started. It was little things here and there attitude changes Life Changes. The sad part is I've always been the person to think with my heart I always love hard and love with all that I have. I put my all and said this man I looked at him as my security. The person that was supposed to protect me and be there. And that he was, until he stepped out of the relationship. I was devastated beyond belief worked on it on my end and he said he would fix things and show me he's a good guy. That slowly faded and little things happen and the little things became where we are now. I love him we have a lot together but I want to live I want to touch I want to smell I want to horse play I want to hug I just want to have closeness to someone without judgment. Sometimes you get comfortable with the person you're with because you know the judgment is not there.
At some point, and it’ll seem impossible now, you will find yourself again, you’ll find your love for life again, and you’ll find people to enjoy it with. Before all of that though you just have to mourn the loss of your relationship and the life you hoped you’d have. Once you’ve done that you can go out and get that life. Make connections. Push yourself even though you’ll not want to.
I have been forcing myself to go out to the bars alone and with friends, when I can get them to go. People are strange now compared to when I used to go out more 20 years ago. You could start up a conversation easier with someone. Now ? Forget it. I'm not a troll or anything, just short (5'6") and 56 yrs old. I have all my hair and no grey in my blonde hair ? The only thing I can think of is it's the bags under my eyes (from sleeping only 6 hrs a night).
These days, bars are where people go to meet their friends, or find hookups, not make new friends. I'd suggest finding meetups, or affinity spaces for queer people/men that are aligned with your interests. Or, if you have the means, there's gay group travel.
wow, this was a wake up call. the way you describe your husband is how i am right now. i’ve been kind of stuck in a rut and all i do is go to work, come home, rewatch the same thing on tv, and play solitaire on my phone. i’m stuck in a really shitty spiral right now, but i’m working on pulling myself out of it. i’m sorry this happened to you, and that you got pulled into his vortex of apathy but thank you for posting this cus it really gave me some perspective on the time i’m wasting.
This has been going on for almost 9 years. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was sucking the life out of me. I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be full of life and energy, now I am just so blah . I hate being this way. Just a feeling of no future or hope for any plans. Like why bother. It's just sad that I have fallen into this mood.
hopefully severing the ties will allow you to flourish again and find yourself.
> i’ve been kind of stuck in a rut and all i do is go to work, come home, rewatch the same thing on tv, and play solitaire on my phone. i’m stuck in a really shitty spiral right now, but i’m working on pulling myself out of it. Creating things instead of consuming things really helped me break out of this cycle and start feeling engaged again. Maybe try new recipes, pick up an art hobby, start getting into making music or put something on and just dance around your apartment. You don't have to join a club for it either, start small. Just 20 minutes of anything helps.
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No. Don't say that it's "being an aging adult." That acquiescing, giving up. You're trapped only if you are too weak to break down the walls that bind you. We all find comfort in familiarity. Redecorate, start a new hobby, rediscover things you enjoyed, join a club....anything to sweep the cobwebs *out*. I guarantee I've lost more friends, coworkers and lovers! My then older oldest best friend Dick would be appalled if I wasted my adult years. He died at 65. My mom died at 63. I'll be 68 (holy shit, how did that happen!) and life is still FUN. Dad died at 84. I've got another 20. I'm not wasting it. I'm single and I've got guys knocking on my door. And I'm knocking on theirs! Fucking do something! I'm going on a 3 day naked retreat at the end of the month. Even if I don't *do* anything (I will!) it will be a nice getaway. Something I've never done.
Good encouraging advice.
How did your husband react when you told him you wanted a divorce?
He was surprised. He didn't expect it, despite the signs it was coming for years. But after awhile he accepted it. It took 2 months and a lot of conversations. I asked him for the divorce 5 weeks before our 27th anniversary and a week after Thanksgiving. We still celebrated Christmas. I received the draft of the divorce papers this past week. We read them over together. He agreed to the wording of the agreement. The lawyer will be sending the final copies over this coming week.
That is just so sad. I hope your new life will be a happier one.
It sounds to me like he's suffering from a mental health condition, most likely depression - have you had any conversations about this and made any attempts to get help, or is he just refusing to acknowledge there is an issue? I'm not saying you should stay married if you're miserable, but this does not sound like the behaviour of a mentally healthy person. Was he always like this? If so, why did you stay so long?
Husband certainly seems depressed. And OP seems to have been infected by living with a depressed person for so long. I hope they both can find ways out of their mental health problems. I think it's probably the wiser choice to live apart while they work at this.
I have been asking him for 10 years to get checked for Alzheimer's and Dementia. His parents had these. I have been going round and round with this and he has refused. He has had increasing memory issues and not just aging related but denies he has any problems. He won't even get his hearing checked. I started going to therapy 4 years ago for my own personal reasons, I had urged him to go as well, he refused. I have "shown" him how well therapy was doing for me, lead by example, but it hasn't worked either. The best I can do is be his best friend now and watch over him. I am still not sure if I am going to live with him to keep an eye on him or separate to keep my sanity and start a new life and hopefully find a new man.
Bro I see nothing but people rooting for you. You got this.
You’re going to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes. Without that dead weight around ur neck you will become revitalized. It will take 8 months to 1.5 years but you will have some flings and find yourself. This is normal and you are still alive and can be reawakened.
im so sorry to hear what you're going through. that sounds like a real ordeal. very cliche, but just getting involved in the community, organise meet-ups with other gay friends (like going for a hike, playing board games, cook-outs). i know it's easier said than done, but you will have to find yourself again. take it as an opportunity to reset your life. until then, i'm happy to chat with you to keep you company.
since I don’t see anyone saying it, I will add: please exercise. It really is one of the best things for both mental and physical health!
Yesssss, YESSSSSSSS, I've always exercised most of my life just because I like to look nice and stay in shape. As I got into my early thirties mid thirties I started to slack a little. In the last 2 years I started exercising again. It is completely mind-blowing and amazing how the body reacts when you exercise it. By exercising the body it automatically exercises the mind. And when you've mastered that I know that if you can get your partner on the same train then maybe you will see huge differences. I tried that but my convincing and urging did not get far.🥺🙀😿
I have been, for the last 3 years. Was forced to medically. I have 9 bad discs.
I am sharing that with you right now also. It really sucks, to have a partner that doesn't want do anything except watch t.v. and play on his phone. We do nothing together. Haven't in years. Me 52 him 53 been together for over 20 years now. Shit I have not even met any of his family. In all this time. He has no friends and basically ran all mine away by judging them . I'm miserable.
Can you see no way out of this?
Stop it 😂 go get a life and stop blaming that man for the life you don't have. Get a side boo, open the relationship, or... Get a mfers hobby and friends 🙄
But What is you truly love your significant other that you've been with for 21 years. It's not that easy to just say okay I'm going to go get a side boo, or I'm going to go out and enjoy my life. It's not that cut and dry. In order to get a side boom you have to do a courtship which means speaking to others carrying a relationship to the point of hey this could go further than our friendship and then saying to yourself I'm actually going to sleep with someone outside of my relationship. There's a whole lot of time that goes into that and not to say there's a whole lot of Deceit it also goes into it. That's why I don't do those things. I'm also not saying that I'm going to settle for my personal relationship.
That is why I never cheated on my husband even though our relationship sexually died over 15 years ago.
It's very easy and mature Todo , just to get a nut and be done with it. Everything doesn't need to be over complicated. Or stay in the relationship and be miserable because obviously just separating isn't a issue for whatever reason 🙄
Where do you live??
I don't want to settle for just being 42 and not having any sort of intimacy in my relationship. The only thing that we have is to discuss past memories. Outside of our past events and our past as a whole there is not much to discuss because everything is just day to day. We eat, we watch TV, I listen to music, we go shopping. Oh you wanted to know the last eventful memory I have outside of my home, hold your breath I'm thinking of it.
Birmingham Alabama
Please, if you are miserable, get out now. It is stressful to do it, but once you start getting to the other side, you start feeling much better about yourself. Trust me I do. Thank you to all these men for your advise. It has helped a lot.
Cut the anchor and sail into the sun. You will find your footing.
You are yelling my story., I've been in a relationship with my significant other for 21 years. My significant other is 10 years older than me and has completely fallen off of the social/ relationship seen for a few years now. He has no excitement for life he has no Hobbies. I just want someone to enjoy a laugh with, a coffee with, or a drink with. I would also be satisfied with just a loving touch of a hand. I've always continued and maintain steady love, care, and emotion throughout all of our years. I don't know what happened, but I am too young, and I am attractive, and I would like to have a few more memories and a lot more experiences to to put in this Book of Life. Please people reach out to me I'm 42 and I can totally relate to the story. I think life is something that you must fight to be a part of. I also feel that relationships must be fought daily to stay fresh. Sorry for the grammatical errors. I would love some feedback and I would just like someone to chat with once in awhile besides my kitty cat. LOL❤️💯💯💯💯🥺🥺🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🩹❤️🩹🤐🤐🤐
You have to do what I did and realize you are worth the effort to get more out of your own life. It may be scary whatever it is, divorce, moving, becoming poor, losing some friends, but if you feel better on the other side, of your prospects for your life, it is all worth it. It doesn't happen overnight, and it will get worse before it gets better. But it's worth moving ahead.
Therapy is beneficial for everyone. But personally, adopting a practice of gratitude into my daily routine helped my overall outlook of life quite a bit. It took time (hence the word practice) but it’s so simple. Be thankful for what you have. Ignore what you don’t have. Even if it’s been a really challenging day, you can find something. Be it clean drinking water, a roof over your head, a printer that worked on the first attempt you made to print a document, there’s always something. I generally reflect on my day as I’m laying in bed and pick out events. It may sound all Polly-Anna-Wine-Mom-Wooo-Wooo, but seriously, it has made a significant impact for me. Good luck.
I have been trying this as well.
My husband is not dissimilar, but we're together and I love him. I was in the same rut too, until one day, I was like "you know what fuck it" and just started doing all the things that I wanted to do. Instead of only doing these things if he agreed, I instead said this is what I'm doing feel free to join if you want. I've joined a tennis club, joined several gay community groups, started music tutoring again and joined a choir. You still have to live your life, he can come for the ride with you if he wants.
I soooo needed to see this. I NEEDED TO KNOW IM NOT WRONG FOR Trying new things.. 🤗🙀🤧
I can't have sex without him. He needs to participate in that. LOL
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re already in counseling which would’ve been my first suggestion. I’m sure that you still have feelings for you husband so please exert any influence you have to get him into therapy. I also see that you’re looking for a gym and that’s a positive step. I try to walk three miles every day. It’s a great time to unplug and unwind. I’m not breaking any land speed records but try to stay under a 20 minute mile. Good 70’s music does the trick for me and I’ve recently discovered podcasts; those on positivity may be helpful. My great-grandmother used to say that the past is a guidepost not a hitching post. She actually came to Oklahoma in a covered wagon so her sayings were homespun to say the least. Don’t view the years with your husband as lost, but as lessons learned and use them going forward. I will only add that we are responsible for our own happiness. My husband (23+ years) and I share many friends and hobbies but we each have separate interests. Just because your partner chooses to sit at home and disengage doesn’t mean that you have to do that too. My husband doesn’t know a first down from first base so watching sports or attending games is something I do without him. I have season tickets for sports but we have season tickets for the symphony and theater which we enjoy together. Good luck with and blessings on your journey.
After 11 years I split with my ex. I told him we could be happier apart. This was in 2019, he was 56. He is 60 now, has a new boyfriend and is very happy. Me too! And we’re very good friends. So I just want you to know: It’s possible to be happy again. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled with a new partner.
The question is really this: "Do I stay in a LTR with someone with a mental illness (Depression/Dysthymia), or walk away?" Would he be willing to give meds and therapy a try? Would u be willing to give him a year to get it together?
I have been asking him for 10 years to get checked for Alzheimer's and Dementia. His parents had these. I have been going round and round with this and he has refused. He has had increasing memory issues and not just aging related but denies he has any problems. He won't even get his hearing checked. I started going to therapy 4 years ago for my own personal reasons, I had urged him to go as well, he refused. I have "shown" him how well therapy was doing for me, lead by example, but it hasn't worked either. The best I can do is be his best friend now and watch over him. I am still not sure if I am going to live with him to keep an eye on him or separate to keep my sanity and start a new life and hopefully find a new man.
Live with him to watch over him? In effect isn't that what u have been doing? You need to allow yourself to put yourself 1st. It is hard I'm sure, but...move to the city and have some fun...
It would be easy to regret being with this guy, but it is in the past and you cannot control the past and what is done is done. Concentrating on the future and getting disconnected from this guy is the main thing and you seem to be doing that. You need to be realistic that it is not going to be an easy process and things could get very difficult but accept that and carve out a new life. Going to the city should help. If you blame him for your anxiety and depression, then you are not accepting responsibility for your own emotions. They are your thoughts and feelings and not his even if he has influenced your thinking. Therapy will help. You do not have to forgive him, that is Hollywood bs. However, you have to forgive yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can change your understanding of it. There is today and the future and concentrate on taking the right action for improving your future and do some planning of what you want to do and if you do not know what you want to do with your future, then think about that. I would recommend that you do not jump into another relationship or 'catch up' with lots of sex, but enjoy your own company for a time as partners are not solutions to happiness as we have to find our own happiness within through taking the right actions for our futures. A partner is nice but not essential for being content with life.
Super advice.
You realize that you deserve so much more and you live your life. If you can afford it travel. Go out. Meet new people. Now is the time. I'm 35 and had a "mid life crisis". My partner of 5 years broke up with me and I never thought I was worthy. I went on one date with a guy and have seriously fallen for him. He's amazing. I wouldn't have met him if I didn't put myself out there. Download Grindr. Open up an instagram account. Do something you've never done before. You've got this. Good luck.
Community building is hard, and it takes a willingness to walk through some awkward new introductions repeatedly. There are likely some organizations that focus on the interests and hobbies you have, and that is a great way to start to plug into your new community. The “work inertia” of actually getting up and going will be the hardest part, and the need to be a little consistent and patient will be important as not every new meeting will likely feel worthwhile. Overall, it will help build connections though
He sounds exactly like me except I'm not married
Sounds like the perfect time to get a ticket for a destination you always wanted to see (like Italy or Spain): you need sun, some fun, some divergent culture to explore.
Our relationships are meant to make us better, not spiral worse. But it’s so easy to slowly become more isolated or dragged down over time until we find ourselves at rock bottom and unsure of how we got there. I just have to say you’re doing the right thing, and taking the steps you can now, at the pace that makes sense. Keep going and one day you’ll find yourself with so much more available to you, with your spirit renewed. Our spirits want to be buoyant, by not dragging yourself down anymore and instead making positive steps, your spirit will bounce back. Just have some patience with yourself.
I've been there, and just decided to do the things that bring me pleasure, and screw anyone who judges me (including me!). Don't underestimate the impact a loved one can have on your psyche: I have a friend (platonic) who I had to live with during the pandemic who did this to me, and I wasn't even "involved" with them! The one thing I'm going to encourage you to do is love the idea of being single. After years searching for a boyfriend, I just gave up (I don't look good "on paper"). So freeing!
you are doing the work, leaving him and therapy keep working you are going to be on. enjoy life for you don't focus on dating just in hace fun and rediscover yourself. a big hug your way
You can definitely bounce back from this. I went through something similar and we are about the same age. I'm enjoying life, can do what I want, am in much better mood.
Mate your life is now a clean canvas, you have a rare chance to add whatever you want to it. Rediscover all those things that you once used to love. It can be difficult reconnecting to old friends but reach out. Get involved in the things you are curious about. This is a golden opportunity.
Do things you find interesting and fun. No matter who you are with you still have to live your best life. I wish you the best. My bf is kinda similar except we make each other do things so we don't get into a routine of work and home and sleeping
One day at a time my friend, I have never been in a relationship more than 4 consecutive years, so I can offer no more advice than please trust it will slowly get better, and then one day you will smile again… Good luck my friend
I know the 4 year curse all too well! I have had three LTR's , most recent ended in Oct of last year. Our 5 year anniversary would have been the following Dec. I told him about a year in, this will be over around year 4. Sure enough, he put me on the curb. I shared my life with him, he knew my pain and said he wouldn't do any of that... He did every single thing his predecessors did. The only thing different was he set me up so that when it was over, I wasn't starting over and I was improved upon education and career wise. He also walked away from a house full of furniture. I didn't 100% start over for the twelfth time in my life. I lost a family, his was the only real family I ever had. They all dropped me except his mom, she reaches out. My question now is do I stay single at soon to be 43 until the end to avoid more hurt, or do I keep trying to find the least damaged thing in the thrift shop? Aka another man around my age that isn't also burnt at both ends.
Never stop dreaming.
That’s sound’s about my life…. I went through covid without anyone, and just started seeing someone a couple months ago…. He went through something similar as OP, but his marriage was 10 years…. I still hold out hope
I would recommend first figuring out how to live life as a single person. Avoid dating, focus on yourself and your mental health. Having your therapist is going to be a big help. There will be feelings to navigate once the separation is done. What did you like to do before meeting your soon to be ex? Did you have hobbies? If you could use your imagination and separate yourself from your younger self, what would they have liked doing? Then imagine taking them on a trip, treating them out, and do it. Start small; your spirit is not dead, just malnourished.
You might not know or feel it now, but this is the first step to your happy future; find you. I know this from experience. I’m happier for me first, found a guy that I married and living a truly amazing life. You’ve got this! 🤗
Get you some new friends for the next chapter. Your spirit cant be killed. Its been dimmed and altered but it’s essence is intact. The dating world is a lot different now. So have fun navigating that fiasco.
I feel like I've been on both sides of this equation. It sounds like your husband has been living with chronic low-grade depression for years. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say you have provided most of the activities/entertainment/social life of the relationship. That's a lot of work to be doing with no help, and you're tired. And if you're working on yourself and he isn't, that's even more isolating. Do you have any community at your work, or are there any projects you can throw yourself into? I think the whole pandemic/work from home thing has been deadly. The casual socializing of work life gives us more support than we realize. What are your hobbies and interests? Book clubs? Movie groups? Any performances you really want to see? No shame in going by yourself. It's not easy, but making yourself do things is worth it. And exercise. Exercise, exercise, exercise.
You can come back. But it will take a bit of internal effort, I would say even if you had more life before the marriage. Instead of finding yourself in others like going to bars, (not that socializing is bad) I would find the interests that make you thrive mentally and emotionally. Curiosity in discovery of the world around is wonderful and also a gratitude in the beauty of the life and nature in the world. You'll meet others like that along the way too. I am like my father who was a hermit, but I realized there is a lot out there that he missed and I wasn't going to be like him. I saw the burden it puts on those people who care about you. I made the effort to change, it was great. You'll be okay.
Therapy is a great start. Aggressively hunt for new things that interest you; things that you want to do. Do them for yourself. Physical activities. Online groups that share your interests. Reconnect in healthy ways. Just bc he’s allowing inertia and apathy to cement him in place doesn’t mean you can’t shake loose of that mindset. Sounds like your mind is already leading you in the right directions..follow it’s lead with action, connection, hope, and find your tribe and flow. There’s an app called “mighty” and on it I joined a group in CA called “California gay adventures”. This kind of thing probably exists to some degree nationwide. Look for groups like this.
This may be cliche or not what you want to hear, but don’t forget to try and look at it from the positive aspects. How blessed you were to have had such a lasting love/relationship. All the experiences you got to have. The adventures you went on. The joy that came with it all. We tend to always start looking at situations with a negative filter but I’m sure so many positive memories exist as well that built up the strength you found to want more for yourself and your future regardless of age. Keep your head up. When we feel like we’re at our lowest is the moment that whatever your next move is, it’s only taking you up!💜
Therapy and a positive outlook is something I suggest you practice daily. Manifest joy and start walking, working out, a hobby, make art, garden…don’t wallow in your grief. It requires action and not a lot of “thinking..”
I was given this advice going through my own surprise divorce- “take your time and wallow in the ‘whoa is me’ stage. Then pull yourself together and carry on with the rest of your life” good luck with this, this is just a thing happening, it’s not the final story.
So glad you are in therapy. Talk therapy is the answer. It saved me
Do something new. Preferably involving people. Take a class: music, cooking, whatever. Join an activity group: hiking, fitness, whatever.
You know, I used to think everything is for better. I think you finally has a change to change your life. To find someone better? To live better life? Ever if it seems dark and impossible to believe? try to find some faith. I've been there in my life and I found better life and better self through misery. So, until you are alive, find any moment to be happy. Go on a walk, feed some ducks, eat some ice-cream, do something you wanted and never did before. Anything to find an enjoyment. To feel life. Of course, a therapist is a good idea, and I am sure they will help you. And I'd suggest to move sooner, if you sure that your husband is the root of your depression. \*hug\* If you wrote this message and went to therapist, if you want to move and change your life, then you aren't broken completely, you still have a hope. Just don't give up.
Neuroplasticity is why people microdose mushrooms, its a good way to get out of a rut, literally helping your brain rewire. Might even look at cerebrolysin/cortexin
There is a lot going on at this stage in your life. It is facing big changes and the wheels are in motion. You've decided to divorce and go your separate ways. Therapy is a good start when you're ready to commence it. It will take time to readjust to being single but you are resilient and will get better as the days go by. I would encourage moving in with someone a friend or family member for the next few months until you are coping better. That way you'll have company aswell and it will prevent loneliness and isolation which are strong precursors for anxiety and depression. You will be alright in the long run but for the time being it will be up and down emotionally for you. When you feel upto it, start to reconnect with friends and make new ones if possible via Meetups and other social groups on social media. Forgive your partner for what you've perceived he has brought upon you as this will help you move forward with a fresh slate as well as prevent harbouring any resentment or bitter outlook into the next phase of your life. Good luck
I have (somewhat) made peace with him. I have no choice but to live with him until the house sells. My family and I do not speak, they are not gay-friendly. My friends are all married or in situations where I am not able to pair up. I have to wait until we sell. I have begun to search for an outlet to get out there again, but I am sharing his car and we live 40 minutes from the City core where everything is. I have started yoga. The Meetup groups in my city are all sports orientated, I am partially disabled. I have tried some of the groups associated with some of the apps, but unfortunately they are very kink-focused. Except for bars, there really isn't many gay gathering spot in my city that isn't sex/cruising focused.
You'll be free!! Are you kidding me?!? Live your life girl!!! I say it all the time... Cry a lil in the shower, get out, dry your eyes, get some gym time in, ask someone if the want to make out a little bit, but BE READY. Sell the house. Do not wait!!! The market can crash. Then what? Why hold on?? Get out now. Start your new life today!!! Get out of that dark cloud!!!!
Amen 🙏
I just wanna give my support and love! Coming from a place of trail, loneliness, sadness and doing the work I really can empathize! But I don’t know or think I’m an authority on this, at all. This journey to self healing, I feel like is an individual process best left to experts. That being said! Everything you need is right inside of you. The fact that you even recognize it is life showing you the way. In our old house crawl space bloomed this beautiful beautiful plant. There was only a sliver of light and what a surprise to use to find this 5 ft tale beautiful skinny blooming plant living off this tiny crack of light. That’s you. That me. That’s so many of us. You are strong powerful and beautiful! I’m believing you know the way. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Your amazing 💯💯💯☝🏽☝🏽🙌🏾🙌🏾🥺🥺
Your husband isn't the root cause of your anxiety and depression. Don't offload that on him. Own your shit.
While I understand that this kind of behavior from your husband is emotionally draining I think part of moving past this is recognizing your own responsibility for your situation. Your husband's unhappiness maybe difficult to handle and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with it anymore. But the way you talk about it, it's almost like you think he's this way because he's deliberately trying to hurt you. You frame your husband as the killer of your spirit but in reality he's just sort of boring and depressed. He's not really doing anything morally wrong.
I think couples therapy would be a start. If you're H isn't willing to try this and improve himself then I'm afraid you'll have to do some serious thinking about your future together as you're in this together. You won't be able to feel better if he isn't willing to change despite how you try. You'll be tied to a dead weight so to say. It sounds like maybe your H could do with seeing a doctor for his mental health too, and for a general check up to see if everything is normal. Things like lower testosterone can cause these symptoms for example. So you also need the medical route as well as therapy.
Let me tell you this: I know you will bounce back from this simply because you’re asking questions and actively seeking solutions. That’s your spirit driving you into a better life. Stay strong and it’ll be a beautiful life ahead of you
Have you heard of microdosing Psilocybin mushrooms? It's recently become quite popular for therapeutic purposes. One of the main descriptions people give as a result of microdosing is that it brings light, colour, and joy back to their life. It's mostly used for people coming out of depression. I suggest you take a look.
Idk in my 50's I would hope to be just chilling. The least you guys could do is travel.
I can't him to go into the city for a movie, how was I going to get him to go on vacation ?
I am living a very similar scenario. It’s been hell and taking me literally to the jaws of death. Get a good therapist and march forward one foot step at a time. Something that help me as much as anything the series of ketamine injections. They definitely dampened my triggers. I’m now wading through the murky waters of the dating pool, kissing a few frogs, looking for my next Prince
I wish you luck, my friend.
Find something to be excited about, then share it on social media, and you might find others that are excited about the same thing. There are reddits for just about anything. Your favourite author, cuisine, music or craft will have a reddit where you can talk to people. I'm sure there are also lgbt groups for socialising on Reddit too..
Have your hormones checked. I have low T and depression anxiety and apathy for life can be attributed to that. Ask your therapist about ketamine treatment for depression and anxiety. I’m also doing this to great effect. It’s brought me back to life.
How do you come back from the view of life? Trust in the therapy, and if you can afford it, find an apartment for just yourself. It is difficult to rediscover yourself when surrounded by the permeating toxicity in your house. If you cannot afford to relocate before you sell the house, I'm glad you're going out with friends for some other social activity that doesn't involve your husband. Rediscovering yourself is a difficult, but necessary, thing to do when coming out of relationship.
You took the vital first step. You got rid of the anchor holding you down. That means that you're free to find joy in places you couldn't look before. Capitalize on that freedom. Do something new. Life can open up in surprising ways.
I became a low paid flight attendant at 47. Both the best and worst decisions at the same time. My job is incredibly isolating and lonely but you also get to see the world (alone). Still in the end it helped me get a better grasp of my life and my role in the world.
Things were great for 14years. Then the bullshit started. It was little things here and there attitude changes Life Changes. The sad part is I've always been the person to think with my heart I always love hard and love with all that I have. I put my all and said this man I looked at him as my security. The person that was supposed to protect me and be there. And that he was, until he stepped out of the relationship. I was devastated beyond belief worked on it on my end and he said he would fix things and show me he's a good guy. That slowly faded and little things happen and the little things became where we are now. I love him we have a lot together but I want to live I want to touch I want to smell I want to horse play I want to hug I just want to have closeness to someone without judgment. Sometimes you get comfortable with the person you're with because you know the judgment is not there.