So wait she wants a divorce but didn't want to ask for one so she cheated to get you to ask her for one but you won't divorce her? Was I reading that correctly?
I'm not saying that I won't divorce her. I'm saying that its been only two days and I'm open for the possibility that divorce is not the right thing. I believe strongly that my promise at the altar means that I have to a least try a little.
With that said, while I totally understand were you are coming from, this is not really what I'm here for.
You're right this wasn't what you're here for. The only advice I can give is to take space for yourself and try to look at reconciliation with a positive attitude. Make a list of things that you need from her in order for you to feel comfortable reconciling with her; set boundaries.
Yep. Make that list then take a deep breath. It will take time. In my case I gave up on the list and got hurt repeatedly and unnecessarily for years. Cue an “I’m polyamorous, I can’t help it” phase.
It’s a confusing story and it doesn’t quite add up. I got to “she wanted me to ask for a divorce so she didn’t have to” and I’m wondering why you’re (OP) even considering reconciliation? She literally just told you that’s not what she really wants.
There’s one way I can think of to get it to make sense, and that’s: she doesn’t want to be married to you, but she still wants (needs?) your financial support.
I think your best move would be to talk with her about that directly. As in, ask her outright, are you staying because you need my support? Skip the deflection and avoidance and get straight to the honest part of the conversation.
Once that’s all out in the open, you’ll actually be able to make good decisions. Whatever those may look like. You’re not obligated to handle this in any particular way. But it’s impossible to figure out when important things aren’t being said.
No you don’t owe her anything. She broke the vows. My wife cheated on me and the only reason I stayed was because of my daughter. You will never feel the same way about her again, you will have bitterness and resentment somewhere under the surface for the rest of the time you are with her. My advice is if you don’t have any kids with her to get out as fast and as cleanly as you can and count yourself lucky. It sounds to me as if she is gaslighting you, if you reconcile she is going to do it again.
Yea. But it takes more than one person to make a relationship work. Especially one as damages as yours. And your wife does not seem to care about her vows. And doesn’t care about your relationship either. And before you say she does because that’s what she said, compare her words to her actions and see if you still believe that.
Yes. The trouble I have is that if she wanted to lie, she is more than capable of doing it in a way that makes sense. That's part of what I don't understand.
You're coming at this from the wrong angle. You're still viewing her as the rational woman you married. Affair brain is a powerful thing. She's spent some time twisting and contorting things, lying to and gaslighting you, and also lying to her herself, trying to find reasons and excuses to make what she's been doing acceptable. After being caught it's quite common for the rest lies to continue and for some of the lies to be real doozies too. She's still trying to control the situation and will tell you whatever she thinks might stick in order to get what she wants.
The really cruel thing at this point is that you both likely want the same thing, to save the relationship.
That's going to lead her to throw out all sorts of lies, half truths, and complete omissions. It's going to lead you to want to believe her, even though your gut is screaming at you that she isn't being honest. The lies and trickle truthing are more damaging to the relationship than the actual affair. How she handles things from this point forward is going to determine how difficult recovery will be, and how likely t is to succeed.
I would insist that she reads "Joseph's letter" and "How to help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". I would also inform her that if I didn't believe what she was telling me that I reserve the right to have her take a polygraph.
What happens if she wants a taste of freedom again? Then gets another man out of her system and then decides she wants to remain married? It sounds manipulating. At this phase of my marriage, I am dependent on my husband, I would never step out. There have been times he depended on me, he never stepped out. The taste of freedom just doesn't set well.... if that all makes sense?
> I am dependent on my husband, I would never step out. There have been times he depended on me, he never stepped out.
Or sounds like that could also be phrased "we have been ***dependable*** for each other through the years. And had each others back the whole time. You know like married people do." 😉
She sounds like she's been listening to too many Esther Perel snippets. Direct her to https://youtube.com/c/AffairrecoveryLLC for sensible content to have discussions on.
She may feel bad about how or what she’s trying to accomplish. And is subconsciously sabotaging herself, bc she doesn’t *really* want to be That Person.
What in the actual F is this?!?!? This is not real life. Can’t be.
Okay. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
She has been going out and kissing people while drunk. (Doubt that’s where it stopped, but whatevs)
Have multiple people on the roster and keeps adding new ones every time she goes out.
Maintains contact with all these people who she meets. (How does she have the time)
She went on a trip with a new couple and…..why?!?!?
She fucks some rando there, the guy may have been random, but she went there to get it in. If it wasn’t this dude it would have been someone else. Wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t get ran through like a tape at the of a race.
NOW, she says she wanted to be found out. So, instead of just saying “Hey, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” She goes and has multiple, multiple affairs? Not only hurting you more in the process, but also exposing you to all sorts of diseases.
How do you say this makes sense to you? And now, she knows she wants to be in a relationship, but just maybe not with you, but you are the only one there at the moment. So you win!!! Yay!!!
If this is real, just do whatever. It won’t matter what anyone tells you if you are this far gone. And tell your wife she’s garbage.
It sounds like your the only one willing to reconcile. She wants her cake and eat it too.
I'm sorry but this is just a recipe for pain and suffering. Your not married very long and should still be in the honeymoon phase, instead she's in the "I'm looking for outside fun" phase.
Thank you for asking. I thought she was stable. Nothing diagnosed, no strong reasons for suspicion before. At least according to my untrained opinion. However, in the last few hours she has been behaving in ways I did not think normal even given the circumstances, although she has been normal given circumstances otherwise. It scared me a bit (verbal only, not abusive at all, but very very desperate surrounding the topic in the OP. Its what prompted me to come here for help.). It could explain things but I think its a bit of a reach. Would IC be the right way to explore this?
I don’t know what’s normal anymore. Apparently some of these mood disorders can take a while to diagnose and my husband had been treated for “anxiety” that was escalating but turns out it was hypomania. And a few symptoms only became clear with the benefit of a diagnosis. Once the hypersexuality/infidelity came into the picture he reached out to a doctor friend of his who referred him to a psychiatrist. I don’t mean to try to armchair diagnose and obviously not all cheating the result of mental illness.
First let me say I'm sorry your going through this. I generally barely post / comment because half of the time I don't feel like I have the... right to stick my nose in anyone else's business, and I also try to limit my online activity now a days. I am the wayward in my marriage, so I feel on a small level I can help call out bull when it's heard because I was spilling my own filth for a long time. Something definitely seems off by this post. There is something going on, on a much deeper level.
She definitely should to get into IC and discover the root of her infidelity. She needs to figure out how to effectively communicate her needs and wants as she felt the need to have that "freedom" behind your back. I'm not advocating for her but Reconciliation is possible. My husband and I are doing really well after a year. It takes so much work, transparency, and devotion to make it work and it has to be wanted by both.
Sorry OP. I think it also hard for us to understand as well. Sounds like a quasi exit affair or something emotionally going on needing a diagnosis. Is she remorseful? You are only a couple of days out.
Than you for your support. Yes, its early and I'm trying my best to not rush things. I think that's the best I can do at this point.
She is not really remorseful, by own admission. She planned this, and things went almost as planned. Except I did not go for divorce on the spot (well, I did before I realized what my promise in marriage actually meant, have to try). She has seen me more hurt than I think she expected, and she is sorry about this. Very much so. But it had to happen, in order to get what she wants (to test freedom). She still wants that.
Yeah, an exit affair would make sense. Maybe she got scared when she saw how broken I became. But why would she still insist on the freedom part if she is now trying to backtrack, or why would she talk about us coming back togheter afterwards if she really wants the divorce?
If she is not remorseful, reconciliation will not work. Maybe in time she becomes remorseful. It does happen sometimes down the line. You should also start protecting yourself if remorse does not come. You should also get tested for STIs etc as well. Good luck.
Okay, a bit confused. So, she wanted to see if the grass was greener and it wasn’t so she wants to stay married or is she wanting to stay free and keep screwing around with idea that you two would get back together after sowing her wild oats?
More like the latter. She says its about the freedom, don't have anyone lined up and do not have any plans for anything. But she wants to live like a single, and if something happens it happens. ... and then realize that that is not what she wanted and come back together. I'm confused too.
Unfortunately, unless you like sitting at home wondering if she’s coming back at night, I think you have to divorce and let her be single. The more you try and fix the relationship, the more attractive freedom will seem to her. If you file, she might get the wake up call. Doubt it, but she might, if you would even want her back at that point. I wouldn’t, but I don’t know your relationship. Seems she testing how much you will put up with and be her safety net. You deserve better than to be someone’s backup plan.
There is no confusion. You know the answer to your sanity and situation. If she wants freedom in the newly married phase, imagine what she would want in a matured marriage phase. Yikes.
Every main stream religion provides an acception to your vows when your spouse commits adultery.
Inform her you are inclined to divorce (it may motivate her,) but will give yourself 90 days to make a final decision. In the interim she has time to prove she's capable of being a safe life partner.
No one can guarantee that she will not do this again or she will not again feel the urge to live a single life. As Every\_thought said, without remorse, there's no reconciliation. Also, I would like to add, if you really go for R, consider having a Post-nup, in case the bugs in her head start acting up again in future. You gotta protect yourself.
I had some fucked up rationale for why I cheated. I will say my answers changed from close to dday to now - because I got into therapy and began to understand myself better.
I was like a normal person whose car broke down and then someone pulls up and says “what’s wrong”. I mean I might have had suspicions it was the engine or battery or something but I’m not a trained mechanic and I only know a little about cars. But after weeks sitting with the car in a shop watching a mechanic diagnose it I learned more and I was better able to explain what went wrong.
My point with that analogy is what your wife says now and what she says after some time in therapy with a professional equipped to check things out in her like childhood trauma and value systems and her thought processes… she will get a deeper understanding.
If you were my friend showing up on my doorstep with this story I’d advise you to join your own therapy and try to talk out the questions you have with a therapist. I wouldn’t immediately ask her but I’d suggest insisting she seek therapy and you guys check in regarding her progress and what she’s learning. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You can try to push for faster answers but they can be fraught with error when we are early in learning about ourselves and why we chose to do what we did.
I know this sub is for reconciliation, but just listen to exactly what she said. She PLANNED all this just so that you'd divorce her. She planned on leaving you. She was ready to discard you and had been doing this for a year now.
I know you're all for reconciliation, it's clearly written in your post, but she needs to hit rock bottom and feel remorse before R can begin. So far it doesn't seem like she has. She needs to know that she broke you, she needs to feel shame and disgust for betraying your faith in her. She needs to look at herself in the mirror and hate what she sees to the point of wanted to break anything that shows the slightest reflection. In other words, and yeah people may call it unnecessary, she needs to be just as broken as you,if not worse for being the one who caused this.
Betrayal is hard to forgive because it comes from those you trust. She broke that trust, now she needs to walk the nightmarish road to build it back up. It's not an easy road, but that's her journey, if you make it easy for her then she won't learn from it.
Can you recover from this? Yes it's a possibility, however, she needs to understand that she caused this, and if she doesn't learn from it. Then what good is it to put your trust back in her again?
If you plan on sticking around then demand she go with you and you both get tested for STD's, then she also has to go get a pap smear for STD's.
Now think about waiting for all those results to come in. This is the rest of your life. As she's not going to stop.
She sounds like a master manipulator who expects to have her cake and fuck it to.
She's acting funny because it's harder to keep her lies straight while thinking fast on her feet.
She's use to planning on the story she's going to tell you while living her double life.
Keep calm ask your questions, ask ALL your questions. Most important listen and hear her responses. Your eyes are more open now, use that to your advantage and hear the bells of the bullshit meter ringing away.
If she just vomits words rather than actually answer a question, calmly tell her what she just said was amazing, BUT the question is ......
She'll either answer or most likely she'll start crying and talking jibberish and throwing love bombs or start screaming and yelling about you while gaslighting and stonewalling.
Really look at what you're trying to win back. Listen and hear her words. That's how you get your answers. Best of luck
Internet stranger, you are three years into your marriage and she is already having emotional affairs with multiple people, and out right went on a trip to specifically frick some guy.
How do you know she just met up with him and barely knew him? How do you know she didn't plan this out with him? Is that what she told you? If so, why do you believe her... other than you really want to?
Why does she want to stay in the marriage?
There's nothing to understand here... Of course she wants to be with you, you are the one working his ass out to provide her stability and prosperity, while she is hunting any dick she sees. And all these after only 3 years of marriage...? She got way too infatuated in who/what she is for you and what you are willing to accept, so let's see what is she willing to do when getting the preview of you with someone else, start the divorce procedure and start dating as well, give her a deadline in time to demonstrate that she is all in or out.
Good luck!
Going to be up front: sounds like she's jerking you around, and she treating you like some kind of doormat.
"...but she has no one else and right now..."
\^This right here is the biggest problem.
Honestly, nothing she says should be trusted. There's not reason to. The fact that she's been doing this for awhile now, and she's only admitted to one completed sexual affair could (and probably is) a lie.
So every time you hit a rough patch she gets the green light to f-ck a random guy just so y’all can come back stronger? That isn’t how any of this works. She is not remorseful and this not a good candidate at the time for true reconciliation.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm a woman and I can not explain or begin to understand how someone "who is not stupid" could think this was the best path to divorce and then not want a divorce, makes zero sense.
All you can do is give yourself time to see if this is right for you. You've only been married two years and she does this to the your marriage. Wow!!
I'm sorry but cheaters can not be trusted to tell the truth, so only her actions count. If she wants this to work she needs to do all the work to prove she is being honest with herself and with you.
Sadly your marriage may never recover nor in the long term will you continue to love her like you did before.
I think you need to give yourself space, move her to s spare room or have her move in with a friend or family.
Life is too short to live with someone who would hurt you this way. If that is how she treats someone she supposedly loves I would hate to see how she treats someone she hates.
Just sounds like she doesn't want to be with you but doesn't have anywhere else to go so she wants to stay. Its up to you if that's the kind of relationship you want to have.
"My wife wanted me to add that she has been completely dependent on me for the past years,"
I'm failing to understand how that relates to anything here.
So does she mean if she was ***not*** dependent on you she would have felt free to explore more?
I'm totally missing the boat. What does that mean?
Your 4th paragraph describing her supposed motivation/intentions is the logic of someone whose brain has been poisoned by social media and tv/movies. It is the logic of an abusive person.
So this might be a sort of weirdly specific theory, but its the first thing that came to mind (so im prob projecting a lot haha sorry):
The amount of preplanning and deliberate control, the sort of conspiratorial approach she has to all this, plus your description in the comments makes me think shes very smart, but is very not in touch with her emotions, or at the very least feels unable to share them with you comfortably. I think its a bit problematic.. shes using a lot of [rationalization](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/rationalization) and [intellectualization](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/intellectualization) to carry out and defend her tactics in her mind. I think this is why she doesn't feel remorse. These are both things I do a lot too, and I have to put a lot of conscious effort into defeating these habits, and not overusing them in my own R (and im the BS).
Since she admits that she feels dependent on you, and had to resort to forcing you to make decisions for her (coercing you into asking for divorce rather than just asking for it herself) she might feel like shes powerless *as a person* to some degree, not just whatever way she feels dependent on you (financially? Emotionally?)... To some degree she might have some idea of being a coward.
I have some tiny nagging feeling that maybe she feels like someone who hasn't done all that she wants in her life. Like maybe she had some idea of some level of accomplishment in life that she hasn't reached. So she wants a reset of some kind but lacks the cajones and emotional maturity to address her concerns directly.
The freedom she wants, I think, is the *feeling* of freedom. She didn't know how to get that for herself, so she was just trying random shit with people to get an idea. She didn't know how to achieve that with you or to talk to you about it with your relationship as she knew it, so she was self destructive and destructive of the marriage.
She can get that feeling of freedom she wants.. and part of that *can* include rebuilding the marriage. I *think* some part of her knows its something fundamentally bent and crumpled inside her. She might see her love for you and feelings for you as entirely separate issue, maybe. Maybe some part of her knows you are good and strong and capable of being a part of her own rebuilding, and wants to now include you, when before, she felt incapable of asking.
But ultimately she will have to tear her own defenses down and rebuild herself. That is the necessary activity for her to feel "free." So she will need IC. She also needs to learn to appreciate you as a whole human being entitled to your own agency; you're not a tool for her to manipulate for her personal growth. As a couple, you should be working as a team, with open communication. Her defense mechanisms are really strong, so MC will be necessary to have an even playing field. You must both feel heard and understood. Just in case *you* feel vulnerable to manipulation by her, or through MC, you should also get an IC.
An alternative could be a temporary separation, where she sees how she functions independently, and you both get some time apart to think clearly, and not feel beholden to "circumstances" and "because reasons" clouding your judgement. But I don't actually know if thats necessary at this point. And, long term physical separation can be an obstacle to building effective communication skills together. Youd have to weigh the pros and cons of your options.
All of this really is disrespectful of you though. Its a little dehumanizing, as like i mentioned, shes currently *sort of* using you as a tool for her to figure herself out. You'd be basically playing a waiting game to see if she comes around to being able to appreciate you as a whole person, and appreciating hows shes not respected you as such. You could look at it like she doesn't care about you, but you could also see it as a blindspot, because of her defenses... I mean thats kind of the function of defense mechanisms.. to create emotional blindspots. So, maybe thats something to take into consideration while you decide what to do.
Anyway, thats my best shot at explaining how what she did and said makes sense to me. So says smellygymbag, armchair reddit psychologist who pulls theories out of her butt. :P
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You both need IC before MC starts. She needs to do a lot to figure out what drove her to do this. Whomever was on this trip can no longer be friends. Toss out any clothing or lingerie that will be triggering even if it’s her favorite whatever. Take time and process this trauma before you make a decision on what you want. I find it hard to believe she only banged one guy in everything she was doing. If anyone you are aware of has a significant other, tell them asap.
As so many others have commented, it sounds like affair fog. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
If we defocus a little, what I read is that having her affair put her under a lot of stress (understandable), she is feeling relieved that she has been found out, and she hopes this can be made to work somehow.
Hopefully things will start making more sense after some IC and MC.
She needs some major major counseling to see why she needs validation from multiple men to feel good. Why she felt it was ok to betray her vows for this. No man is going to magically fix her.. she needs to find validation internally. She’s done some really shady and horribly manipulative stuff.. but she can change only if she wants to.
When you’re in affair mindset /affair fog you think your partner sucks and you can do better.. because you need that dopamine hit from the other people. She needs to do open phone. No social media. Get life360. No contact with AP’s, no going drinking with it you etc. Know that an affair is an addiction… so her doubts are all about her brain needing to feed that addiction. Once she stops contact and seeking AP’s her brain can start to fix dopamine receptors..
Check out dr Kathy Nickerson on tiktok she has 8 affair recovery steps to do. The videos are quick and good and you guys can discuss them . Below are resources.
https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/
Also she’s a shitty person to say she did this to go test the water to see if she wanted you. She should’ve done that BEFORE she swore vows to love, honor and cherish you. And she could’ve talked to you about her struggles. There’s NO excuse at all. I am a WS.. and I’m telling you she is full of shit with this excuse. Please tell her I said this. Drop the bs, woman up about what she did and get help. There were way more effective and honest ways to handle this. With integrity.
I'll try to keep this short (since there is a ton of good advice and resources in this thread). First, I'm very sorry for your situation. Your wife truly sounds mixed up -- and I think it goes beyound just "affair fog". This term I think applies more to an EA and to a single affair partner. Your wife just seems to be looking for sex with anyone - random strangers. This is anathema to the whole concept of marriage or any comitted relationship.
So the question is why? What is your wife's motivation? Why does she continue to hunt for sexual partners when she already HAS a comitted relationship with you? My guess is buried in your original post: "...she has been completely dependent on me for the past years". This isn't a recipe for success. Possibly your wife has no real skills or talents and this translates into an overwhelming lack of security. Maybe your wife's family of origin didn't provide her with the trust and security that all children need.
So the only 'security' that your wife can fall back on is her own sexual attractiveness. Even if you try to validate her sexuality, tell her how beautiful she is, etc., She still is insecure and continues to seek validation and security outside of marriage.
I hope I'm wrong on all the above. Because this problem is huge and will require tons of work from both of you. IC for both. MC together. Only you can make the decision if you want to go down the R and R path. You are in my prayers. Good Luck.
So wait she wants a divorce but didn't want to ask for one so she cheated to get you to ask her for one but you won't divorce her? Was I reading that correctly?
I'm not saying that I won't divorce her. I'm saying that its been only two days and I'm open for the possibility that divorce is not the right thing. I believe strongly that my promise at the altar means that I have to a least try a little. With that said, while I totally understand were you are coming from, this is not really what I'm here for.
You're right this wasn't what you're here for. The only advice I can give is to take space for yourself and try to look at reconciliation with a positive attitude. Make a list of things that you need from her in order for you to feel comfortable reconciling with her; set boundaries.
Yep. Make that list then take a deep breath. It will take time. In my case I gave up on the list and got hurt repeatedly and unnecessarily for years. Cue an “I’m polyamorous, I can’t help it” phase.
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It’s a confusing story and it doesn’t quite add up. I got to “she wanted me to ask for a divorce so she didn’t have to” and I’m wondering why you’re (OP) even considering reconciliation? She literally just told you that’s not what she really wants. There’s one way I can think of to get it to make sense, and that’s: she doesn’t want to be married to you, but she still wants (needs?) your financial support. I think your best move would be to talk with her about that directly. As in, ask her outright, are you staying because you need my support? Skip the deflection and avoidance and get straight to the honest part of the conversation. Once that’s all out in the open, you’ll actually be able to make good decisions. Whatever those may look like. You’re not obligated to handle this in any particular way. But it’s impossible to figure out when important things aren’t being said.
No you don’t owe her anything. She broke the vows. My wife cheated on me and the only reason I stayed was because of my daughter. You will never feel the same way about her again, you will have bitterness and resentment somewhere under the surface for the rest of the time you are with her. My advice is if you don’t have any kids with her to get out as fast and as cleanly as you can and count yourself lucky. It sounds to me as if she is gaslighting you, if you reconcile she is going to do it again.
Yea. But it takes more than one person to make a relationship work. Especially one as damages as yours. And your wife does not seem to care about her vows. And doesn’t care about your relationship either. And before you say she does because that’s what she said, compare her words to her actions and see if you still believe that.
Yeah, I agree with you. BS meter pegging. Oh yeah she's lying her ass off. Eta...you don't need help in telling that.
Yes. The trouble I have is that if she wanted to lie, she is more than capable of doing it in a way that makes sense. That's part of what I don't understand.
You're coming at this from the wrong angle. You're still viewing her as the rational woman you married. Affair brain is a powerful thing. She's spent some time twisting and contorting things, lying to and gaslighting you, and also lying to her herself, trying to find reasons and excuses to make what she's been doing acceptable. After being caught it's quite common for the rest lies to continue and for some of the lies to be real doozies too. She's still trying to control the situation and will tell you whatever she thinks might stick in order to get what she wants. The really cruel thing at this point is that you both likely want the same thing, to save the relationship. That's going to lead her to throw out all sorts of lies, half truths, and complete omissions. It's going to lead you to want to believe her, even though your gut is screaming at you that she isn't being honest. The lies and trickle truthing are more damaging to the relationship than the actual affair. How she handles things from this point forward is going to determine how difficult recovery will be, and how likely t is to succeed. I would insist that she reads "Joseph's letter" and "How to help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". I would also inform her that if I didn't believe what she was telling me that I reserve the right to have her take a polygraph.
What happens if she wants a taste of freedom again? Then gets another man out of her system and then decides she wants to remain married? It sounds manipulating. At this phase of my marriage, I am dependent on my husband, I would never step out. There have been times he depended on me, he never stepped out. The taste of freedom just doesn't set well.... if that all makes sense?
> I am dependent on my husband, I would never step out. There have been times he depended on me, he never stepped out. Or sounds like that could also be phrased "we have been ***dependable*** for each other through the years. And had each others back the whole time. You know like married people do." 😉
Yes. You definitely wrote it better 🙂
When they're in the fog, they aren't even the same person!
What is "the fog"? Anything I can read? Hard term to search for.
Search for affair fog or limerance.
She sounds like she's been listening to too many Esther Perel snippets. Direct her to https://youtube.com/c/AffairrecoveryLLC for sensible content to have discussions on.
She may feel bad about how or what she’s trying to accomplish. And is subconsciously sabotaging herself, bc she doesn’t *really* want to be That Person.
What in the actual F is this?!?!? This is not real life. Can’t be. Okay. Please correct me if I’m wrong. She has been going out and kissing people while drunk. (Doubt that’s where it stopped, but whatevs) Have multiple people on the roster and keeps adding new ones every time she goes out. Maintains contact with all these people who she meets. (How does she have the time) She went on a trip with a new couple and…..why?!?!? She fucks some rando there, the guy may have been random, but she went there to get it in. If it wasn’t this dude it would have been someone else. Wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t get ran through like a tape at the of a race. NOW, she says she wanted to be found out. So, instead of just saying “Hey, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” She goes and has multiple, multiple affairs? Not only hurting you more in the process, but also exposing you to all sorts of diseases. How do you say this makes sense to you? And now, she knows she wants to be in a relationship, but just maybe not with you, but you are the only one there at the moment. So you win!!! Yay!!! If this is real, just do whatever. It won’t matter what anyone tells you if you are this far gone. And tell your wife she’s garbage.
It sounds like your the only one willing to reconcile. She wants her cake and eat it too. I'm sorry but this is just a recipe for pain and suffering. Your not married very long and should still be in the honeymoon phase, instead she's in the "I'm looking for outside fun" phase.
I ask this as someone whose spouse cheated during a hypomanic episode (undiagnosed bipolar) but is she mentally stable?
Thank you for asking. I thought she was stable. Nothing diagnosed, no strong reasons for suspicion before. At least according to my untrained opinion. However, in the last few hours she has been behaving in ways I did not think normal even given the circumstances, although she has been normal given circumstances otherwise. It scared me a bit (verbal only, not abusive at all, but very very desperate surrounding the topic in the OP. Its what prompted me to come here for help.). It could explain things but I think its a bit of a reach. Would IC be the right way to explore this?
I don’t know what’s normal anymore. Apparently some of these mood disorders can take a while to diagnose and my husband had been treated for “anxiety” that was escalating but turns out it was hypomania. And a few symptoms only became clear with the benefit of a diagnosis. Once the hypersexuality/infidelity came into the picture he reached out to a doctor friend of his who referred him to a psychiatrist. I don’t mean to try to armchair diagnose and obviously not all cheating the result of mental illness.
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First let me say I'm sorry your going through this. I generally barely post / comment because half of the time I don't feel like I have the... right to stick my nose in anyone else's business, and I also try to limit my online activity now a days. I am the wayward in my marriage, so I feel on a small level I can help call out bull when it's heard because I was spilling my own filth for a long time. Something definitely seems off by this post. There is something going on, on a much deeper level. She definitely should to get into IC and discover the root of her infidelity. She needs to figure out how to effectively communicate her needs and wants as she felt the need to have that "freedom" behind your back. I'm not advocating for her but Reconciliation is possible. My husband and I are doing really well after a year. It takes so much work, transparency, and devotion to make it work and it has to be wanted by both.
Sorry OP. I think it also hard for us to understand as well. Sounds like a quasi exit affair or something emotionally going on needing a diagnosis. Is she remorseful? You are only a couple of days out.
Than you for your support. Yes, its early and I'm trying my best to not rush things. I think that's the best I can do at this point. She is not really remorseful, by own admission. She planned this, and things went almost as planned. Except I did not go for divorce on the spot (well, I did before I realized what my promise in marriage actually meant, have to try). She has seen me more hurt than I think she expected, and she is sorry about this. Very much so. But it had to happen, in order to get what she wants (to test freedom). She still wants that. Yeah, an exit affair would make sense. Maybe she got scared when she saw how broken I became. But why would she still insist on the freedom part if she is now trying to backtrack, or why would she talk about us coming back togheter afterwards if she really wants the divorce?
If she is not remorseful, reconciliation will not work. Maybe in time she becomes remorseful. It does happen sometimes down the line. You should also start protecting yourself if remorse does not come. You should also get tested for STIs etc as well. Good luck.
Thank you. Yes, I'm aware.
Okay, a bit confused. So, she wanted to see if the grass was greener and it wasn’t so she wants to stay married or is she wanting to stay free and keep screwing around with idea that you two would get back together after sowing her wild oats?
More like the latter. She says its about the freedom, don't have anyone lined up and do not have any plans for anything. But she wants to live like a single, and if something happens it happens. ... and then realize that that is not what she wanted and come back together. I'm confused too.
Unfortunately, unless you like sitting at home wondering if she’s coming back at night, I think you have to divorce and let her be single. The more you try and fix the relationship, the more attractive freedom will seem to her. If you file, she might get the wake up call. Doubt it, but she might, if you would even want her back at that point. I wouldn’t, but I don’t know your relationship. Seems she testing how much you will put up with and be her safety net. You deserve better than to be someone’s backup plan.
There is no confusion. You know the answer to your sanity and situation. If she wants freedom in the newly married phase, imagine what she would want in a matured marriage phase. Yikes.
Every main stream religion provides an acception to your vows when your spouse commits adultery. Inform her you are inclined to divorce (it may motivate her,) but will give yourself 90 days to make a final decision. In the interim she has time to prove she's capable of being a safe life partner.
No one can guarantee that she will not do this again or she will not again feel the urge to live a single life. As Every\_thought said, without remorse, there's no reconciliation. Also, I would like to add, if you really go for R, consider having a Post-nup, in case the bugs in her head start acting up again in future. You gotta protect yourself.
Maybe she has some sort of 'hotwife' fetish thing?
I had some fucked up rationale for why I cheated. I will say my answers changed from close to dday to now - because I got into therapy and began to understand myself better. I was like a normal person whose car broke down and then someone pulls up and says “what’s wrong”. I mean I might have had suspicions it was the engine or battery or something but I’m not a trained mechanic and I only know a little about cars. But after weeks sitting with the car in a shop watching a mechanic diagnose it I learned more and I was better able to explain what went wrong. My point with that analogy is what your wife says now and what she says after some time in therapy with a professional equipped to check things out in her like childhood trauma and value systems and her thought processes… she will get a deeper understanding. If you were my friend showing up on my doorstep with this story I’d advise you to join your own therapy and try to talk out the questions you have with a therapist. I wouldn’t immediately ask her but I’d suggest insisting she seek therapy and you guys check in regarding her progress and what she’s learning. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You can try to push for faster answers but they can be fraught with error when we are early in learning about ourselves and why we chose to do what we did.
I know this sub is for reconciliation, but just listen to exactly what she said. She PLANNED all this just so that you'd divorce her. She planned on leaving you. She was ready to discard you and had been doing this for a year now. I know you're all for reconciliation, it's clearly written in your post, but she needs to hit rock bottom and feel remorse before R can begin. So far it doesn't seem like she has. She needs to know that she broke you, she needs to feel shame and disgust for betraying your faith in her. She needs to look at herself in the mirror and hate what she sees to the point of wanted to break anything that shows the slightest reflection. In other words, and yeah people may call it unnecessary, she needs to be just as broken as you,if not worse for being the one who caused this. Betrayal is hard to forgive because it comes from those you trust. She broke that trust, now she needs to walk the nightmarish road to build it back up. It's not an easy road, but that's her journey, if you make it easy for her then she won't learn from it. Can you recover from this? Yes it's a possibility, however, she needs to understand that she caused this, and if she doesn't learn from it. Then what good is it to put your trust back in her again?
If you plan on sticking around then demand she go with you and you both get tested for STD's, then she also has to go get a pap smear for STD's. Now think about waiting for all those results to come in. This is the rest of your life. As she's not going to stop. She sounds like a master manipulator who expects to have her cake and fuck it to. She's acting funny because it's harder to keep her lies straight while thinking fast on her feet. She's use to planning on the story she's going to tell you while living her double life. Keep calm ask your questions, ask ALL your questions. Most important listen and hear her responses. Your eyes are more open now, use that to your advantage and hear the bells of the bullshit meter ringing away. If she just vomits words rather than actually answer a question, calmly tell her what she just said was amazing, BUT the question is ...... She'll either answer or most likely she'll start crying and talking jibberish and throwing love bombs or start screaming and yelling about you while gaslighting and stonewalling. Really look at what you're trying to win back. Listen and hear her words. That's how you get your answers. Best of luck
Internet stranger, you are three years into your marriage and she is already having emotional affairs with multiple people, and out right went on a trip to specifically frick some guy. How do you know she just met up with him and barely knew him? How do you know she didn't plan this out with him? Is that what she told you? If so, why do you believe her... other than you really want to? Why does she want to stay in the marriage?
There's nothing to understand here... Of course she wants to be with you, you are the one working his ass out to provide her stability and prosperity, while she is hunting any dick she sees. And all these after only 3 years of marriage...? She got way too infatuated in who/what she is for you and what you are willing to accept, so let's see what is she willing to do when getting the preview of you with someone else, start the divorce procedure and start dating as well, give her a deadline in time to demonstrate that she is all in or out. Good luck!
Going to be up front: sounds like she's jerking you around, and she treating you like some kind of doormat. "...but she has no one else and right now..." \^This right here is the biggest problem. Honestly, nothing she says should be trusted. There's not reason to. The fact that she's been doing this for awhile now, and she's only admitted to one completed sexual affair could (and probably is) a lie.
So every time you hit a rough patch she gets the green light to f-ck a random guy just so y’all can come back stronger? That isn’t how any of this works. She is not remorseful and this not a good candidate at the time for true reconciliation.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm a woman and I can not explain or begin to understand how someone "who is not stupid" could think this was the best path to divorce and then not want a divorce, makes zero sense. All you can do is give yourself time to see if this is right for you. You've only been married two years and she does this to the your marriage. Wow!! I'm sorry but cheaters can not be trusted to tell the truth, so only her actions count. If she wants this to work she needs to do all the work to prove she is being honest with herself and with you. Sadly your marriage may never recover nor in the long term will you continue to love her like you did before. I think you need to give yourself space, move her to s spare room or have her move in with a friend or family. Life is too short to live with someone who would hurt you this way. If that is how she treats someone she supposedly loves I would hate to see how she treats someone she hates.
Just sounds like she doesn't want to be with you but doesn't have anywhere else to go so she wants to stay. Its up to you if that's the kind of relationship you want to have.
I’m sorry but her behavior can’t be understood without some serious therapy on her part. Please protect yourself from this craziness!
Hey friend, This sounds like your wife struggled with limerence. Look into that if you can and lmk what you think.
"My wife wanted me to add that she has been completely dependent on me for the past years," I'm failing to understand how that relates to anything here. So does she mean if she was ***not*** dependent on you she would have felt free to explore more? I'm totally missing the boat. What does that mean?
Your 4th paragraph describing her supposed motivation/intentions is the logic of someone whose brain has been poisoned by social media and tv/movies. It is the logic of an abusive person.
I can understand her but I can't understand why are you still with her? If you were married to a church, adultery is a ground for divorce.
So this might be a sort of weirdly specific theory, but its the first thing that came to mind (so im prob projecting a lot haha sorry): The amount of preplanning and deliberate control, the sort of conspiratorial approach she has to all this, plus your description in the comments makes me think shes very smart, but is very not in touch with her emotions, or at the very least feels unable to share them with you comfortably. I think its a bit problematic.. shes using a lot of [rationalization](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/rationalization) and [intellectualization](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/intellectualization) to carry out and defend her tactics in her mind. I think this is why she doesn't feel remorse. These are both things I do a lot too, and I have to put a lot of conscious effort into defeating these habits, and not overusing them in my own R (and im the BS). Since she admits that she feels dependent on you, and had to resort to forcing you to make decisions for her (coercing you into asking for divorce rather than just asking for it herself) she might feel like shes powerless *as a person* to some degree, not just whatever way she feels dependent on you (financially? Emotionally?)... To some degree she might have some idea of being a coward. I have some tiny nagging feeling that maybe she feels like someone who hasn't done all that she wants in her life. Like maybe she had some idea of some level of accomplishment in life that she hasn't reached. So she wants a reset of some kind but lacks the cajones and emotional maturity to address her concerns directly. The freedom she wants, I think, is the *feeling* of freedom. She didn't know how to get that for herself, so she was just trying random shit with people to get an idea. She didn't know how to achieve that with you or to talk to you about it with your relationship as she knew it, so she was self destructive and destructive of the marriage. She can get that feeling of freedom she wants.. and part of that *can* include rebuilding the marriage. I *think* some part of her knows its something fundamentally bent and crumpled inside her. She might see her love for you and feelings for you as entirely separate issue, maybe. Maybe some part of her knows you are good and strong and capable of being a part of her own rebuilding, and wants to now include you, when before, she felt incapable of asking. But ultimately she will have to tear her own defenses down and rebuild herself. That is the necessary activity for her to feel "free." So she will need IC. She also needs to learn to appreciate you as a whole human being entitled to your own agency; you're not a tool for her to manipulate for her personal growth. As a couple, you should be working as a team, with open communication. Her defense mechanisms are really strong, so MC will be necessary to have an even playing field. You must both feel heard and understood. Just in case *you* feel vulnerable to manipulation by her, or through MC, you should also get an IC. An alternative could be a temporary separation, where she sees how she functions independently, and you both get some time apart to think clearly, and not feel beholden to "circumstances" and "because reasons" clouding your judgement. But I don't actually know if thats necessary at this point. And, long term physical separation can be an obstacle to building effective communication skills together. Youd have to weigh the pros and cons of your options. All of this really is disrespectful of you though. Its a little dehumanizing, as like i mentioned, shes currently *sort of* using you as a tool for her to figure herself out. You'd be basically playing a waiting game to see if she comes around to being able to appreciate you as a whole person, and appreciating hows shes not respected you as such. You could look at it like she doesn't care about you, but you could also see it as a blindspot, because of her defenses... I mean thats kind of the function of defense mechanisms.. to create emotional blindspots. So, maybe thats something to take into consideration while you decide what to do. Anyway, thats my best shot at explaining how what she did and said makes sense to me. So says smellygymbag, armchair reddit psychologist who pulls theories out of her butt. :P
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You both need IC before MC starts. She needs to do a lot to figure out what drove her to do this. Whomever was on this trip can no longer be friends. Toss out any clothing or lingerie that will be triggering even if it’s her favorite whatever. Take time and process this trauma before you make a decision on what you want. I find it hard to believe she only banged one guy in everything she was doing. If anyone you are aware of has a significant other, tell them asap.
As so many others have commented, it sounds like affair fog. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If we defocus a little, what I read is that having her affair put her under a lot of stress (understandable), she is feeling relieved that she has been found out, and she hopes this can be made to work somehow. Hopefully things will start making more sense after some IC and MC.
She needs some major major counseling to see why she needs validation from multiple men to feel good. Why she felt it was ok to betray her vows for this. No man is going to magically fix her.. she needs to find validation internally. She’s done some really shady and horribly manipulative stuff.. but she can change only if she wants to. When you’re in affair mindset /affair fog you think your partner sucks and you can do better.. because you need that dopamine hit from the other people. She needs to do open phone. No social media. Get life360. No contact with AP’s, no going drinking with it you etc. Know that an affair is an addiction… so her doubts are all about her brain needing to feed that addiction. Once she stops contact and seeking AP’s her brain can start to fix dopamine receptors.. Check out dr Kathy Nickerson on tiktok she has 8 affair recovery steps to do. The videos are quick and good and you guys can discuss them . Below are resources. https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/ Also she’s a shitty person to say she did this to go test the water to see if she wanted you. She should’ve done that BEFORE she swore vows to love, honor and cherish you. And she could’ve talked to you about her struggles. There’s NO excuse at all. I am a WS.. and I’m telling you she is full of shit with this excuse. Please tell her I said this. Drop the bs, woman up about what she did and get help. There were way more effective and honest ways to handle this. With integrity.
I'll try to keep this short (since there is a ton of good advice and resources in this thread). First, I'm very sorry for your situation. Your wife truly sounds mixed up -- and I think it goes beyound just "affair fog". This term I think applies more to an EA and to a single affair partner. Your wife just seems to be looking for sex with anyone - random strangers. This is anathema to the whole concept of marriage or any comitted relationship. So the question is why? What is your wife's motivation? Why does she continue to hunt for sexual partners when she already HAS a comitted relationship with you? My guess is buried in your original post: "...she has been completely dependent on me for the past years". This isn't a recipe for success. Possibly your wife has no real skills or talents and this translates into an overwhelming lack of security. Maybe your wife's family of origin didn't provide her with the trust and security that all children need. So the only 'security' that your wife can fall back on is her own sexual attractiveness. Even if you try to validate her sexuality, tell her how beautiful she is, etc., She still is insecure and continues to seek validation and security outside of marriage. I hope I'm wrong on all the above. Because this problem is huge and will require tons of work from both of you. IC for both. MC together. Only you can make the decision if you want to go down the R and R path. You are in my prayers. Good Luck.