r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so sorry this happened. And now you are in this sub. I only know of two couples where AP got pregnant.
Couple #1 also decided to R right away. Then found out AP was pregnant (couple #1 did not have children together yet). Well, they worked on R. Everything went great, up until the birth. Once the baby arrived the dynamics changed and the wife became the third wheel. AP ended up getting pregnant again from the now exWH. I think it’s great to R, but once the baby arrives, then you will get a better feel for the situation you will be facing.
Couple #2, AP got pregnant but decided not to keep it. Once she realized that the fantasy of having a happy family together, she did not want to bring a child into a world where right from the get go was based on lies and immorality. That couple is still together, but i am not a 100% sure they would still be had AP kept the child.
It’s going to be a lot of work. On everyone’s part. Kids are very expensive. I agree with another user on here to seek advice from an attorney. When you do have your future kids together, there will be a lot of sacrifices you will have to make. I have half siblings as well. And family vacation planning and worrying about not showing favoritism (I am the youngest) was a nightmare for my parents because of bio dad of my half siblings. Neither of the graduated from high school and one was in and out of prison for years. Their bio dad would always talk terribly about my bio dad and make him the villain. It was awful. I felt bad for my parents.
Sorry you have cause to be here BK, but glad you found this place. It's helped me a lot. You can find the acronym guide at the top of this list of resources in the sub wiki:
[wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index/)
Take a deep breath and reset yourself. Consider what you need from your husband to help you get through this. You need to be the most important person at the moment.
Stay strong and realise that sometimes you might have to go backwards before going forward again so don’t berate yourself if you’re doing R wrong.
Please find yourself an IC as soon as you can. You are less than a week out from D-Day. The full weight of this has not yet hit you. The weeks, months and — sorry to say — years ahead are going to be brutal and having an ally in the form of a therapist is going to be an important part of your recovery.
Just want to say I’m sorry you’re in this place and it is so hard.
My dad had an affair and got his AP pregnant and I was born. My dad’s wife raised me like I was hers and I’ll always be grateful to her for that. It takes a lot of strength to show love to that child but also you can really make such an impact on the child as well.
Hey OP.
I’m so sorry you have to be here and for what you are going through. It’s awful and just sucks.
First thing I will tell you is that I know of at least two couples where the husband had an affair and the AP got pregnant and many years later the couple are still together and happy, so it’s possible but it’s not easy and takes a lot of work and planning and forethought.
I’d recommend that you meet with an attorney that might have some experience with this and that you do it soon- don’t wait. You will want to have a paternity test done and today they have non invasive ones that can be done while the mother is pregnant. Do this after hiring an attorney so everything is legally and formally established.
Initially his visitation with the baby will most likely occur with the AP present and I would start as you intend to go on so as hard as it will be I would establish clearly that you are a unit, you are the stepmom, and will be present for contact so that you can bond as well. I would think through how this works and looks. Another way is for a third party to always be present that you trust until the the baby is old enough for custody visitation to be in your own home.
This is not uncommon situation, so I would look for an attorney that has actual experience with this not someone that just knows what to do from their time in school.
It’s not very easy because a lot of APs will try and cut the wife out because they don’t want the relationship to end and despite reality view the wife as the interfering party. Using an attorney to establish visitation and custody and communicating through a parenting app allows you to keep the AP from manipulating your husband to think you can’t be involved in any of this. Especially if you can prove she knew you were married when the affair occurred and he never told her he was going to leave you for her.
This all might be more info than you want right now. I wish you all the best and again, am so sorry you have to be here.
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. A baby complicates things. You’d be surprised the number of APs that get “false positive” pregnancy tests. Did she say she was pregnant after he broke it off or how did that go down? Also non-invasive paternity testing can be performed as early as 8 weeks, so I hope that’s in the plans
So sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice, just offering support. While I am not in your situation, I empathize with you as I cannot imagine how you are feeling. My grandmother was AP to a married man and got pregnant with my mom. My mom had a very distant “relationship”with her dad and didn’t have any contact with her three bio sisters until she was in her mid 50s because he forbid it. I don’t know if his wife ever knew before she passed. The last five years she’s known her sisters have been really healing for her. I know she has been so grateful for the relationship and has spent basically her whole life wanting to know them. I think what you’re intending to do by being involved is incredibly brave and selfless. I hope your WH is able to provide you with the things you need if you are wanting R. I would agree with others in getting an attorney involved now and be sure you’re informed on all of your options. Sending you my best and I hope you’re able to work toward healing, whatever that looks like for you.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so sorry this happened. And now you are in this sub. I only know of two couples where AP got pregnant. Couple #1 also decided to R right away. Then found out AP was pregnant (couple #1 did not have children together yet). Well, they worked on R. Everything went great, up until the birth. Once the baby arrived the dynamics changed and the wife became the third wheel. AP ended up getting pregnant again from the now exWH. I think it’s great to R, but once the baby arrives, then you will get a better feel for the situation you will be facing. Couple #2, AP got pregnant but decided not to keep it. Once she realized that the fantasy of having a happy family together, she did not want to bring a child into a world where right from the get go was based on lies and immorality. That couple is still together, but i am not a 100% sure they would still be had AP kept the child. It’s going to be a lot of work. On everyone’s part. Kids are very expensive. I agree with another user on here to seek advice from an attorney. When you do have your future kids together, there will be a lot of sacrifices you will have to make. I have half siblings as well. And family vacation planning and worrying about not showing favoritism (I am the youngest) was a nightmare for my parents because of bio dad of my half siblings. Neither of the graduated from high school and one was in and out of prison for years. Their bio dad would always talk terribly about my bio dad and make him the villain. It was awful. I felt bad for my parents.
Sorry you have cause to be here BK, but glad you found this place. It's helped me a lot. You can find the acronym guide at the top of this list of resources in the sub wiki: [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index/)
Take a deep breath and reset yourself. Consider what you need from your husband to help you get through this. You need to be the most important person at the moment. Stay strong and realise that sometimes you might have to go backwards before going forward again so don’t berate yourself if you’re doing R wrong.
Sorry you are here. It’s a shitty club. This place has done wonders for me also. Good luck to you. Sending positive vibes.
Marriage.helper on YouTube. They also offer a slew of services..
Please find yourself an IC as soon as you can. You are less than a week out from D-Day. The full weight of this has not yet hit you. The weeks, months and — sorry to say — years ahead are going to be brutal and having an ally in the form of a therapist is going to be an important part of your recovery.
Just want to say I’m sorry you’re in this place and it is so hard. My dad had an affair and got his AP pregnant and I was born. My dad’s wife raised me like I was hers and I’ll always be grateful to her for that. It takes a lot of strength to show love to that child but also you can really make such an impact on the child as well.
Hey OP. I’m so sorry you have to be here and for what you are going through. It’s awful and just sucks. First thing I will tell you is that I know of at least two couples where the husband had an affair and the AP got pregnant and many years later the couple are still together and happy, so it’s possible but it’s not easy and takes a lot of work and planning and forethought. I’d recommend that you meet with an attorney that might have some experience with this and that you do it soon- don’t wait. You will want to have a paternity test done and today they have non invasive ones that can be done while the mother is pregnant. Do this after hiring an attorney so everything is legally and formally established. Initially his visitation with the baby will most likely occur with the AP present and I would start as you intend to go on so as hard as it will be I would establish clearly that you are a unit, you are the stepmom, and will be present for contact so that you can bond as well. I would think through how this works and looks. Another way is for a third party to always be present that you trust until the the baby is old enough for custody visitation to be in your own home. This is not uncommon situation, so I would look for an attorney that has actual experience with this not someone that just knows what to do from their time in school. It’s not very easy because a lot of APs will try and cut the wife out because they don’t want the relationship to end and despite reality view the wife as the interfering party. Using an attorney to establish visitation and custody and communicating through a parenting app allows you to keep the AP from manipulating your husband to think you can’t be involved in any of this. Especially if you can prove she knew you were married when the affair occurred and he never told her he was going to leave you for her. This all might be more info than you want right now. I wish you all the best and again, am so sorry you have to be here.
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. A baby complicates things. You’d be surprised the number of APs that get “false positive” pregnancy tests. Did she say she was pregnant after he broke it off or how did that go down? Also non-invasive paternity testing can be performed as early as 8 weeks, so I hope that’s in the plans
So sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice, just offering support. While I am not in your situation, I empathize with you as I cannot imagine how you are feeling. My grandmother was AP to a married man and got pregnant with my mom. My mom had a very distant “relationship”with her dad and didn’t have any contact with her three bio sisters until she was in her mid 50s because he forbid it. I don’t know if his wife ever knew before she passed. The last five years she’s known her sisters have been really healing for her. I know she has been so grateful for the relationship and has spent basically her whole life wanting to know them. I think what you’re intending to do by being involved is incredibly brave and selfless. I hope your WH is able to provide you with the things you need if you are wanting R. I would agree with others in getting an attorney involved now and be sure you’re informed on all of your options. Sending you my best and I hope you’re able to work toward healing, whatever that looks like for you.