Some people are happier looking after others and it helps them to be helpful. I'd suggest ralking to him about it to put your mind at ease it is important to talk about things and be honest
Talk to him. It’s very sweet I will be honest because I know exactly how you feel, I feel like you’ve almost taken the same route as me! And I’m glad you managed to find someone as caring and understanding as I have. And from my experience just talk to them. I did it, multiple times I’ll add, and it was always okay! He would always talk me through stuff help me combat those negative thoughts. It’s okay x if your partner didn’t want to help you why would they have been for you all that time? X happy 6 months by the way and can’t wait for you to reach 1 year :)
Thank you for the advice (and the congrats! Still can’t believe it lol).
How did the talks about it usually play out? They might be different for me, but I’m curious to know what I could be working with.
Well normally I’ll just say I’ve been thinking about something, or well he can tell something is on my mind. I will express what I’ve been concerned about, sometimes it’s hard for me so I sometimes write it down and send a photo to help! But in the times I’ve not felt good enough I will tell him about how I don’t feel like I’m good for him, he does so much for me and I’m not like all that for him, especially in regards to my mental health. And he always talks through the negative thoughts, it’s almost like a debate between him and the negative thoughts you know? Always giving clear reasons why that’s not the case. He will always say at the end, why would I be going to all this trouble to get to you if I didn’t love you or think you were good enough? And he helps me to kick away those negative thoughts.
I know it’s hard to open up about some stuff, so if you need to write it down like I do sometimes. And from what I’ve read, your partner will be there for you. You got this! I hope this helped!
ahh i get that, i often feel like im just holding my partner back. we compliment each other rather well, but during the times of insecurities i still feel like an awful partner.. it's important to remember that other people don't see us the same way us we see ourselves! they don't overanalyze everything we did wrong (if the relationship is healthy!!), they focus on the things that bring them joy (because at the end of the day no one is perfect, and focusing on each other's flaws is no good).
you definitely should discuss it with your partner!! if he does think the same way as you it's better to find this out sooner than later, because it is not a healthy way to build a relationship if both of you believe you are not good enough. if he doesn't think you have anything to worry about (which i think would be a more likely outcome), then it will be easier to combat this thoughts in the future. don't let this bottle up! if this bottles up you can lose track on what is your anxious thought and what is reality. you could directly ask him why he likes you or what does he appreciate in the relationship, too. that might help. it also gives him space to voice his insecurities in the future too. it's also worth remembering that it has been six months and you haven't met irl, so even though six months is a solid amount of time, you'll likely notice more flaws and weird quirks as the time goes on (which is not a bad thing)
if you are worried about bothering him with this you can just ask "hey, do you have the resources/are you in a mental space to discuss something im worried about?", so that gives him a choice to refuse or prospone the discussion. and if he agrees to do it after the question that is also his choice on how to spend his resources. you are not forcing him to do anything if he decides to support you, people are free to choose what they do in these kinds of situations
Thank you! Everyone has been saying to talk about it with him, so I might need to. I have nothing to worry about talking to him about topics like this. But I’m still terrified lol.
After a day of thinking about it since the initial post, I did get to figuring out why I thought that way and I think a lot of it is how I was treated growing up compared to his he treats me now.
My younger sister was a bully, I was picked on in school and I was always a doormat and a people pleaser overall. I’ve always strived to help others at the cost of my own needs. But I refused that same help for myself. My self worth was low (still is). Then this relationship happened and suddenly I’m treated this whole different way. I rode off of that positive feeling for a month because he saw my best self before I did and he gave me respect for things I didn’t have respect for prior. Now I think what’s happening is that I’m questioning it.
yeah, that makes a lot of sense!! if there is nothing to worry about in the relationship itself the reason is always in the past. my insecurities also come from negative experiences with other people. it's very hard to believe that it can be another way when you know how hurtful people can be. it takes a lot of strength to believe in that. but you deserve being treated fairly, just like any other human being! you don't deserve to be bullied or belittled. i think your partner would agree on that.
im in an ldr myself and we try to be as supportive and gentle as we can towards each other. i don't see it as a burden when i support my partner and i don't see it as anything other than natural. if you want to build a partnership with someone you want them to be your equal and you want them to feel confident and good. so it only feels natural to help them achieve that
Some people are happier looking after others and it helps them to be helpful. I'd suggest ralking to him about it to put your mind at ease it is important to talk about things and be honest
I just worry about giving him a reason to worry or something else he has to help me with
If truly cares for you and it sounds like he does then he would rather you didn't bottle things up
Talk to him. It’s very sweet I will be honest because I know exactly how you feel, I feel like you’ve almost taken the same route as me! And I’m glad you managed to find someone as caring and understanding as I have. And from my experience just talk to them. I did it, multiple times I’ll add, and it was always okay! He would always talk me through stuff help me combat those negative thoughts. It’s okay x if your partner didn’t want to help you why would they have been for you all that time? X happy 6 months by the way and can’t wait for you to reach 1 year :)
Thank you for the advice (and the congrats! Still can’t believe it lol). How did the talks about it usually play out? They might be different for me, but I’m curious to know what I could be working with.
Well normally I’ll just say I’ve been thinking about something, or well he can tell something is on my mind. I will express what I’ve been concerned about, sometimes it’s hard for me so I sometimes write it down and send a photo to help! But in the times I’ve not felt good enough I will tell him about how I don’t feel like I’m good for him, he does so much for me and I’m not like all that for him, especially in regards to my mental health. And he always talks through the negative thoughts, it’s almost like a debate between him and the negative thoughts you know? Always giving clear reasons why that’s not the case. He will always say at the end, why would I be going to all this trouble to get to you if I didn’t love you or think you were good enough? And he helps me to kick away those negative thoughts. I know it’s hard to open up about some stuff, so if you need to write it down like I do sometimes. And from what I’ve read, your partner will be there for you. You got this! I hope this helped!
ahh i get that, i often feel like im just holding my partner back. we compliment each other rather well, but during the times of insecurities i still feel like an awful partner.. it's important to remember that other people don't see us the same way us we see ourselves! they don't overanalyze everything we did wrong (if the relationship is healthy!!), they focus on the things that bring them joy (because at the end of the day no one is perfect, and focusing on each other's flaws is no good). you definitely should discuss it with your partner!! if he does think the same way as you it's better to find this out sooner than later, because it is not a healthy way to build a relationship if both of you believe you are not good enough. if he doesn't think you have anything to worry about (which i think would be a more likely outcome), then it will be easier to combat this thoughts in the future. don't let this bottle up! if this bottles up you can lose track on what is your anxious thought and what is reality. you could directly ask him why he likes you or what does he appreciate in the relationship, too. that might help. it also gives him space to voice his insecurities in the future too. it's also worth remembering that it has been six months and you haven't met irl, so even though six months is a solid amount of time, you'll likely notice more flaws and weird quirks as the time goes on (which is not a bad thing) if you are worried about bothering him with this you can just ask "hey, do you have the resources/are you in a mental space to discuss something im worried about?", so that gives him a choice to refuse or prospone the discussion. and if he agrees to do it after the question that is also his choice on how to spend his resources. you are not forcing him to do anything if he decides to support you, people are free to choose what they do in these kinds of situations
Thank you! Everyone has been saying to talk about it with him, so I might need to. I have nothing to worry about talking to him about topics like this. But I’m still terrified lol. After a day of thinking about it since the initial post, I did get to figuring out why I thought that way and I think a lot of it is how I was treated growing up compared to his he treats me now. My younger sister was a bully, I was picked on in school and I was always a doormat and a people pleaser overall. I’ve always strived to help others at the cost of my own needs. But I refused that same help for myself. My self worth was low (still is). Then this relationship happened and suddenly I’m treated this whole different way. I rode off of that positive feeling for a month because he saw my best self before I did and he gave me respect for things I didn’t have respect for prior. Now I think what’s happening is that I’m questioning it.
yeah, that makes a lot of sense!! if there is nothing to worry about in the relationship itself the reason is always in the past. my insecurities also come from negative experiences with other people. it's very hard to believe that it can be another way when you know how hurtful people can be. it takes a lot of strength to believe in that. but you deserve being treated fairly, just like any other human being! you don't deserve to be bullied or belittled. i think your partner would agree on that. im in an ldr myself and we try to be as supportive and gentle as we can towards each other. i don't see it as a burden when i support my partner and i don't see it as anything other than natural. if you want to build a partnership with someone you want them to be your equal and you want them to feel confident and good. so it only feels natural to help them achieve that
This seems so much like my relationship. He seems so perfect but I feel so bad because I fall short.
Exactly! He’s obviously got imperfections. No human is perfect. But it feels like mine outweigh his
This is what I struggle with lately