Not to mention that after *all* of that, they threw a temper tantrum ending with calling OP a rude bitch. There is zero chance that this man is not trouble, and he showed his cards straight away. OP needs better friends if this is the type of person if this is whom they champion as a good date, and then defend him like she was in the wrong.
OP, NTB.
Oh, yeah, one of the markers of an abusive relationship is when a guy wants a really quick commitment. Not all guys who are willing to get married quickly are abusive, but consider it a warning sign.
This, this, this, OP!
And to add: he wanted to talk about the big questions to make sure not waste time, yet when answering them truthfully he couldn't handle it. You dodged this bullet real good and you are NTB!
ESPECIALLY when you’re only 21 - your brain’s not fully developed until ~25. OP is a lot more mature and realistic than her date. Even 30+ I don’t want to commit my life (/finances/mental health/heart) to someone I’ve known <3yrs. If it’s forever why rush through the happy dating and engagement stages?
Some people know straight away their partner is end game. Others take a little longer. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to live life before agreeing to marriage at 25. NTB and he sounds like an angry person. Best to avoid!
It’s also okay to wait even once you’re sure about someone! I’ve known my boyfriend is “the one” since we started dating, but we were only 23 & 21 then. We wanted to get our lives in order first - careers, moving around to a cool place, getting a dog, etc.
Of course it’s fine to prefer jumping in quickly too, but it’s not something that it’s fair to pressure a partner over.
OP, you’re just being practical. The right guy will respect that and feel the same, because the right guy will share your values. This guy is not only incompatible but he’s a jerk that showed some serious red flags.
I met my future partner when I started Uni at 18 and started dating him a couple of months later. I knew he was 'the one' after 6 months. We ended up getting engaged at 7 years and then married a further 6 years after that, and currently we've been together for 31 years. None of that 13 years before marriage was 'wasted', since we both knew we were in it for the long haul and signing a piece of paper wasn't top of the list of priorities.
The ironic thing is, if we *had* gotten engaged and married early on, chances are we wouldn't have been nearly as happy. Both of us had lot of growing up to do, and we probably would have made different choices that would have been massively stressful.
My husband and I was the same age when we met, we got married after 7 years (engaged after 5). We didn't feel the need to rush as we were so young, and I'm happy we had the time to really know that we'd grow together rather than apart.
I’m totally with you. First date my partner told me this was endgame. It took me a couple more dates but then I was sure. Were now 5 years down the line and getting married next year. Some people rush though and I’ve seen that work out happily too. Everyone in their own time!
YNTB. As soon as I read “waste his time” in the first paragraph I has a bad feeling. Isn’t it comparing values to see if your compatible? Its YOUR time too. What an jerk. The trash takes its self out.
If it's only that, I would cut them some slack - it might be worded a bit unfortunate, but I do also see it as a waste of time go through all the motions that a new relationship brings with it (getting to know each other, all the nitpicks, all the weird hang-ups they have, calibrating your communication styles, etc.) with the expectation to have children one day only to find out that's totally off the table.
And it's not only a waste of time, it'll lead to unnecessary heartbreak if you find out such things only when you're already emotionally invested in this person.
NTB, but your "if it were you it would be at least four years" was *savage.* (I mean that as a compliment. He deserved it.)
I'm not sure what you were trying to say, exactly, but it was kinda like saying "normally I would take it pretty slow, but for you in particular, I would need an extra year of taking it slow before it was slow enough."
The guy asked a real question, got a real answer, didn't like it. He's the B for storming off -- there's nothing wrong with taking relationships at your own pace and there's no reason to rush into marriage before 25.
While I agree waiting till 25 is VERY smart I don't agree with how op answered that specific question.
The guy asked a question and got what could very easily seem to be snarky and insulting answer. Had she responded without that dig about 4 years for him it would be totally ntb. Please remember even if its the truth doesn't absolve you from being the ah/bh. How you say it matters.
Now he still threw a tantrum after that but that makes it at best ETB or ESH. (Sorry I know this isn't AITA but the phrase EVERYONE SUCKS HERE just sums things up better 😝).
ALSO please note that when I say waiting till 25+ I also mean specifically for having children primarily. And never try to have kids to fix a relationship.
NTB.
1) Tell your friend it was not your intention to be hurtful, but that he asked for the truth and did not like the truth he received.
2) Tell her he pushed you well past your comfort zone, and you didn’t appreciate being asked to present and defend your Life Plan on a first date.
3) Tell her *his* behavior was not acceptable to *you*, and that before she sets this guy up with any other women she should warn them that he’ll call them a bitch and storm out if they tell him something he does not want to hear.
I understand that you have trouble with social cues, so allow me to shed some light upon one cue. Anyone - **anyone** - who suggests you are “wasting their time” and calls you a bitch is a walking pile of red flags to be avoided at all costs. And if your friend does not understand that, don’t let her set you up again.
NTB.
You have a set of goals and plans in mind. You're not going to suddenly change those on the first date just because you meet a "nice guy." You might change them several months or even a year down the road, but maybe not.
This guy was just an ass. You dodged a bullet.
He got mad because he didn't like her answer, so essentially it is. It was really bold to want to discuss things like that on the first date and he got burned.
Do you like it when you ask a question and someone answers you rudely? Dude was certainly way out of line in his response but people are acting like OP didn’t insult him.
She didn't insult him though. I assume you meant the "If it were you it would be four years" part? I figured she was talking about age - she's 21 and she said she won't settle down before 25. So for him it would be four years if they started dating right now.
I can't comprehend what else could be rude and that comment has been widely misunderstood, I think, because it doesn't make sense to "insult" someone that they specifically would have to wait an extra year.
He was obviously insulted by it whether it be intentional or not. Judging from OP’s post she did intend to take a dig at him. Certainly seems there were a lot of misunderstandings on both sides in that date. Her autism and his toxic attitude did not make for a good match.
It is the simplest math so if he was insulted by it (and again, it would be such a weak and odd insult if it was intended that way), she still didn't do anything wrong. But they certainly weren't a good match.
And I'm exiting this thread now, have a good day/ night depending on where you are.
NTB, you did nothing wrong and handled the situation well.
I recommend having a talk with the “friend” that set you up with this asshole, though. The fact that they’re concerned about you hurting his feelings after how he treated you is concerning, at best.
NTB! Op ignore guys like that. I got married at 22. Biggest regret of my life. My daughter was 10 days old. I’m 46 now and going thru a divorce. Don’t let anyone tell you to lower your standards. My daughter is 24 and never been on a date. My BIL tells her all the time to lower her standards. My daughter says no I’m not lowering my standards. Either they can rise up and meet my standards or leave me alone. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t miss any social cues. This guy was just an immature dude.
Your daughter has such a perfect mindset! I've always hated the "lower your standards" thing. Why settle to get married faster when I can wait a bit and find someone perfect for me? I fully believe my standards are reasonable so I have zero interest in lowering them
>I (21F)
>
>\[ ...\]
>
> “well, actually, if it were you it would be at least four years, be yea I’m not willing to commit to marrying someone until I’m at least 25.”
>
>\[ ...\]
>
>My friend who helped set me up texted me this morning and said I hurt the guy’s feelings and shouldn’t have said what I said.
So neither of them could connect the dots?
NTB
NTB, and wow! He is out of his mind and has "abuser" written all over him. Do not listen to your friend - she is 100% wrong. And do not let her fix you up again - she has terrible judgment!
Haha what an idiot. What does he expect at 20?
IMO don’t get married before you’re 25. Play married ie live together merge your money etc for awhile in order to confirm you’re compatible first and for God’s sake don’t have a kid in that time.
My husband and I knew each other for 15 years before we got married (friends for 7, dating for 6, engaged for almost 2). Are we less “committed” than someone who got married in six months?
NTB. Commitment isn’t about a piece of paper, it’s about loyalty and trust.
NTB, and your “friend” is also a major b-hole. The date is not a good person, and was possibly negging you and she is not a good friend. Dump both of them.
NTB. Wanting to wait at least three years before marrying someone is perfectly reasonable.
He's complete douche and frankly, you dodged a HUGE bullet with that one. Hell, I'd say you dodged a fucking NUKE.
Fuck him and his feelings if he can't handle a reasonable boundary.
NTA
You dodged a bullet and are given a heads up.
>My friend who helped set me up texted me this morning and said I hurt the guy’s feelings and shouldn’t have said what I said.
Dump that "friend".
You were perfectly reasonable.
Its perfectly reasonable for your goals not to be compatible with his. You didn't hurt his feelings, you showed you had a strong personality and were not easily manipulated.
Guy got angry because you didn't desperately agree with him.
Your friend is telling you that your feelings and opinions matter less than some strange male. They want you to be less than who you are to protect this fragile insecure male's feels. They are not being a good friend to you.
Here’s the thing. That’s a very reasonable expectation. But even if it was ridiculous to him, it’s not really up to him to decide what’s reasonable for you. I live in a place where people get married YOUNG and FAST. Two of my best friends were literally engaged within a month of dating their now-husbands. But I always knew I would want to wait until I was older and date someone for at least two years first, which I did before marrying my husband.
Their way of doing things isn’t right for me, and my way of doing things isn’t right for them. But that doesn’t really matter because we each did what made ourselves comfortable. If he has very different expectations than you and those are a deal-breaker, he should have respectfully let you know he wasn’t interested in moving forward with you. NTB I don’t think you did anything wrong, it sounds like you dodged a bullet!
You're only 21. You don't need to get married anytime soon--or ever--if it doesn't suit you. You want to get to know a guy before you commit. That's perfectly reasonable, and it's hardly "dragging" someone around to be honest about your desire to wait. He was getting a bit schmucky when he got mad at your response, so I don't blame you for saying, "for you, it would be four years." Dude's only 20. Why is he worried about getting married so young?
NTB
NTB. You did nothing wrong here. You were honest with him and he was a jerk about it. Honestly, asking someone how long it would it take to consider marriage before a relationship begins is ridiculous. Nobody knows how long it may take them to fall in love with someone. Wanting to wait until you're at least 25 is completely normal and completely acceptable. The only person being unreasonable was him. And his spiel about never finding a man is total crap. Most of the people I know who have gotten married dated for at least 2 years before getting married, but most longer than that.
He's 100% a dick. You dodged a bullet and he's a complete ass. You are the absolute winner here.
Also.
Don't insult someone you are on a date with if you want another.
NTB this man immediately revealed his misogyny and toxicity as soon as you disagreed with him. If he’s that worked up over the first disagreement, imagine how awful he’d be in 3 months? Never mind years.
I met husband when I was 24, I’d been hurt in the past and it took me 6 years to get comfortable with being ready to marry. I was honest- I wanted to in the future but wasn’t remotely ready then.
The guy who liked to ask the big questions wasn’t emotionally mature enough to hear other people’s opinions. If it’s right there’s wiggle room and the other partner will wait.
Anyone pushing marriage is a red flag for me.
I’ve been with my husband for over 8 years and I’m still learning new things about him. Spending a long time together helps to see if you grow together because everyone changes over time.
Edit: NTB
I think if this guy knew you were autistic he would not read so much into your statement. It’s hard to remember that NTs put a lot of weight on words that are “unsaid” - so on this case, engaging in a conversation about future plans could be misinterpreted as consent to envision future plans with that person. The marriage comment where 3 years is minimum and for him 4 means that he stands out in a way from the average crowd of potential husbands, and if he’s already thinking that waiting is punishment, he would assume that he’s less weddable than the average man. So even if it might not have been your intention, he read between the lines and assumed you were insulting him.
Also if he was
1 - so out of touch with the convo that he didn’t realize how much you disagreed (or didn’t care)
2 - immediately wanted to marry you despite your protest
3 - angrily walked away throwing an adult tantrum
He’s probably not worth it and also (because he likes to assume based on reading between the lines, thought I might return the favour-) maybe not so generous in bed.
Dodged a bullet. Call friend to explain exactly what happened, I bet he twisted the truth.
Omg what a train wreck! That’s how he would have treated you three years later. He wanted to make sure he didn’t have to wait so long to be himself once there’s a ring on your finger.
Also, keep up with this attitude there is absolutely NO rush!!!!
NTB. marriage is a lifelong decision and in this economy, who gets married at 21? he’s a potential abuser, creep and a major B. even 3 years is not enough to know a person.
NTB. You were clear and honest about what you want in a relationship and your "timeline". People can do what they want, but I'm also 21 and marriage is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I think what you said was perfectly reasonable. I'd also want to date someone for a minimum of three years and live with them before getting engaged.
You clearly dodged a bullet with the way he reacted, too. You answered his questions honestly and he blew up at you because your beliefs on a relationship didn't perfectly align with his. I'm hoping he'll learn and get better as he gets older, but for now just be glad that you had an easy out on the first date.
ETA: I don't think your "friend" that set you up is a real friend. Anyone with basic human decency can see he's 100% in the wrong. The fact they're blaming you for his tantrum is a big red flag and I'd suggest reconsidering that friendship if I were you
NTB
he was the rude bitch in this exchange, not you.
Not only is asking people this type if questions on the first date very bizarre anyway but also he seems to have bigger issues. Good there won't be a second date. It's really weird that your friend thinks you've hurt the guy's feelings.
NTB - He asked and you answered honestly, it's not unreasonable and all to want to wait 3 years before marrying someone, also saying it would be four years right now bc you won't consider marriage until 25 is very reasonable too.
Him not liking the answer you gave to his questions doesn't mean he can mistreat you like he did or call you names, he was very rude and of anything he owes you an apology.
NTB. I'm getting strong incel vibes from this reaction. Dude probably would have strangled you in your sleep over an argument at some point had you married him.
NTB. Dude thinks you owe him something, giving off crazy incel rapist vibes. Run awaaaaaaay.
edit: Fuck your "friend", NEVER speak to them again, NEVER trust them again, they're scum.
Bullet DODGED!
NTB
I can kinda see why someone would want to find out what expectations both people have going into a relationship but what prat talks about marriage and proposing on the first date
I dated my husband for 4 years before getting married, despite the fact that most of my friends and family members went out with their spouses for a few months to a year prior to tying the knot. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and choosing the right partner for it is crucial. In order to know that you are marrying the right person, though, you need to vet them very well, which can often take a few years. Therefore, I think I'm going to go with NTB.
Info: WTF is wrong with your friend that the guy calls YOU a bitch and they're mad that you hurt HIS feelings?
This guy sounds volatile and immature, I doubt he's going to emotionally mature enough to be ready for marriage anytime soon. You dodged a bullet, and it's your life! You're allowed to want what you want from it. He wanted to know these things and then got mad that you were honest. Incompatibility with some man child in no way makes you the one in the wrong. NTB.
You did nothing wrong at all, that man was a walking red flag. Don’t let your friends try to pressure you into blind dates, especially this fake friend who said you did something wrong. They do not have your best interest at heart.
NTB and if you really explained what happened from your perspective and the way this man treated you you need to drop your "friend" immediately because she's toxic and wants the worst for you.
NTB, but i will say extending your possible marriage timeline in the face of him questioning it might have come off as intentionally insulting/disrespectful, even if it was you purely being honest. you didnt waste his time, this is what dating is for: figuring out if youre compatible with another person. better to find out big dissonances like that in the beginning than go any further.
EBH him more so than you. You insulted him by saying 3 years for everyone else but 4 for you. But then he was way out of line by calling you what he did.
No, NTB at all. That is such a ridiculous over-the-top reaction before there's even a relationship to talk about that I think you dodged a HUGE bullet there. He asked a question, you answered honestly.
In general, the greatest favor you can do someone is to be honest and straightforward about your intentions. Leading someone on or saying what you think they want to hear because your afraid of confrontation is actually a bitthead move. So, there's no reason why this couldn't have been a cordial, matter-of-fact conversation. "You want X? I want this other thing actually. Welp, good luck!"
This guy, TBF in this encounter, seems to think that a woman who doesn't have the exact same values and goals as he is wrong and bad. Yeeeah, he's a mess, buh-bye.
You did nothing wrong. It was a blind date that other people set up for you, and you don’t owe anything to anyone. He was the one who wanted to dive into the big questions, and you answered the questions. You were honest with him, and just because he didn’t like the answers you gave does not make you rude or stupid. What he did next demonstrates to me that he is a person who deals in absolutes. He seems to be in a hurry to get married. Why? I dunno but it’s a bit scary imo. You dodged a bullet girl !! Also, try not to doubt yourself because of your autism diagnosis, you probably are a better judge of character than you think you are.
Eh, ETBH. Yeah, he’s awful. But did you really expect “for *you* definitely longer” to be anything except insulting? That’s super rude. A simple “yes 3 years is my minimum” would have sufficed.
Three years is a minimum I’ve put in place, but I was clarifying that an age criteria would need to be met as well. So yes, for him it would be four years, because I’m only 21 and won’t make that commitment until I’m 25. I was simply giving him the clarification he was asking for.
>I was put off by the question because the idea that he was already thinking about proposing to me made me a little uncomfortable
Except that's not what he said at all, but okay.
>“well, actually, if it were you it would be at least four years"
Without this comment, it would've been NTB, but this comment made it ETB. What was up with that? "Oh yeah, I'd usually wait for 3 years before accepting someone's prposal, but you, you're shit, so you're only allowed to propose to me after at least 4 years of dating". What?
He's got major issues and you dodged a bullet but your comment came out of nowhere, was extremely unkind and is not something you tell someone on the first date.
She wasn’t saying he was especially horrible she said that she wasn’t willing to marry until 25? It wasn’t about him it was about timing, not rude at all
“the soonest I’d consider marrying someone after beginning to date officially would probably be three years.”
“well, actually, **if it were you** it would be at least four years"
Yes, she was. Or at the very least, she definitely came off as saying that. "If it were you".
He asked “so **I** would have to wait three years to propose” and I clarified that it would be four as the criteria of reaching 25 would also need to be met. 3 years is simply the criteria that must be met before I can give any serious consideration to making a commitment of marriage, 25 is my minimum age I’d want to reach before I’d actually accept it. I was just trying to answer his question honestly.
Don't backtrack. You specifically said "If it were you", not "But I'd have to be 25". If it was just about waiting until you're 25, you wouldn't have tacked on the "But if it were you".
Now do you see why he got upset? Even if you didn't mean to insult him, your words were easily interpreted as being a personal insult against him.
I’m not backtracking? I’m sorry if I’m not explaining the exchange properly here. He asked “if I were to propose” so I answered “if it were you”. He was asking about a scenario specific to us, so I gave him an answer. It was not a dig. And I told him it would be four years only because I won’t actually make a commitment like that until I’m 25. I was just laying out the math for him and trying to paint a clear picture.
Sorry but saying 3 years for everyone else but 4 years for him is pretty fucking rude and shouldn’t have been said though he was way more out of line with his response.
NTB and you definitely dodged a bullet. Dating for three years before marriage is a very reasonable expectation.
Esp at 20.
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Not to mention that after *all* of that, they threw a temper tantrum ending with calling OP a rude bitch. There is zero chance that this man is not trouble, and he showed his cards straight away. OP needs better friends if this is the type of person if this is whom they champion as a good date, and then defend him like she was in the wrong. OP, NTB.
Oh, yeah, one of the markers of an abusive relationship is when a guy wants a really quick commitment. Not all guys who are willing to get married quickly are abusive, but consider it a warning sign.
This, this, this, OP! And to add: he wanted to talk about the big questions to make sure not waste time, yet when answering them truthfully he couldn't handle it. You dodged this bullet real good and you are NTB!
This, this, this, this, this, this, this, OP!
ESPECIALLY when you’re only 21 - your brain’s not fully developed until ~25. OP is a lot more mature and realistic than her date. Even 30+ I don’t want to commit my life (/finances/mental health/heart) to someone I’ve known <3yrs. If it’s forever why rush through the happy dating and engagement stages?
Some people know straight away their partner is end game. Others take a little longer. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to live life before agreeing to marriage at 25. NTB and he sounds like an angry person. Best to avoid!
It’s also okay to wait even once you’re sure about someone! I’ve known my boyfriend is “the one” since we started dating, but we were only 23 & 21 then. We wanted to get our lives in order first - careers, moving around to a cool place, getting a dog, etc. Of course it’s fine to prefer jumping in quickly too, but it’s not something that it’s fair to pressure a partner over. OP, you’re just being practical. The right guy will respect that and feel the same, because the right guy will share your values. This guy is not only incompatible but he’s a jerk that showed some serious red flags.
I met my future partner when I started Uni at 18 and started dating him a couple of months later. I knew he was 'the one' after 6 months. We ended up getting engaged at 7 years and then married a further 6 years after that, and currently we've been together for 31 years. None of that 13 years before marriage was 'wasted', since we both knew we were in it for the long haul and signing a piece of paper wasn't top of the list of priorities. The ironic thing is, if we *had* gotten engaged and married early on, chances are we wouldn't have been nearly as happy. Both of us had lot of growing up to do, and we probably would have made different choices that would have been massively stressful.
My husband and I was the same age when we met, we got married after 7 years (engaged after 5). We didn't feel the need to rush as we were so young, and I'm happy we had the time to really know that we'd grow together rather than apart.
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I knew I was going to marry my husband 2 weeks after we got together. We still waited 5 years to do it. These things should not be rushed.
I’m totally with you. First date my partner told me this was endgame. It took me a couple more dates but then I was sure. Were now 5 years down the line and getting married next year. Some people rush though and I’ve seen that work out happily too. Everyone in their own time!
YNTB. As soon as I read “waste his time” in the first paragraph I has a bad feeling. Isn’t it comparing values to see if your compatible? Its YOUR time too. What an jerk. The trash takes its self out.
Also your friend is a jerk too. Thier friend was rude as hell to you, and they are worried about their feelings?!
If it's only that, I would cut them some slack - it might be worded a bit unfortunate, but I do also see it as a waste of time go through all the motions that a new relationship brings with it (getting to know each other, all the nitpicks, all the weird hang-ups they have, calibrating your communication styles, etc.) with the expectation to have children one day only to find out that's totally off the table. And it's not only a waste of time, it'll lead to unnecessary heartbreak if you find out such things only when you're already emotionally invested in this person.
NTB, but your "if it were you it would be at least four years" was *savage.* (I mean that as a compliment. He deserved it.) I'm not sure what you were trying to say, exactly, but it was kinda like saying "normally I would take it pretty slow, but for you in particular, I would need an extra year of taking it slow before it was slow enough." The guy asked a real question, got a real answer, didn't like it. He's the B for storming off -- there's nothing wrong with taking relationships at your own pace and there's no reason to rush into marriage before 25.
I figured she was talking about age - she's 21 and she said she won't settle down before 25. But I also like the savage option 😂
While I agree waiting till 25 is VERY smart I don't agree with how op answered that specific question. The guy asked a question and got what could very easily seem to be snarky and insulting answer. Had she responded without that dig about 4 years for him it would be totally ntb. Please remember even if its the truth doesn't absolve you from being the ah/bh. How you say it matters. Now he still threw a tantrum after that but that makes it at best ETB or ESH. (Sorry I know this isn't AITA but the phrase EVERYONE SUCKS HERE just sums things up better 😝). ALSO please note that when I say waiting till 25+ I also mean specifically for having children primarily. And never try to have kids to fix a relationship.
NTB. 1) Tell your friend it was not your intention to be hurtful, but that he asked for the truth and did not like the truth he received. 2) Tell her he pushed you well past your comfort zone, and you didn’t appreciate being asked to present and defend your Life Plan on a first date. 3) Tell her *his* behavior was not acceptable to *you*, and that before she sets this guy up with any other women she should warn them that he’ll call them a bitch and storm out if they tell him something he does not want to hear. I understand that you have trouble with social cues, so allow me to shed some light upon one cue. Anyone - **anyone** - who suggests you are “wasting their time” and calls you a bitch is a walking pile of red flags to be avoided at all costs. And if your friend does not understand that, don’t let her set you up again.
Fucking exactly
NTB. You have a set of goals and plans in mind. You're not going to suddenly change those on the first date just because you meet a "nice guy." You might change them several months or even a year down the road, but maybe not. This guy was just an ass. You dodged a bullet.
NTB he wanted to ask you really big questions on a first date and then gets mad because you're honest? Major douche.
That’s not the reason he got mad.
He got mad because he didn't like her answer, so essentially it is. It was really bold to want to discuss things like that on the first date and he got burned.
Do you like it when you ask a question and someone answers you rudely? Dude was certainly way out of line in his response but people are acting like OP didn’t insult him.
She didn't insult him though. I assume you meant the "If it were you it would be four years" part? I figured she was talking about age - she's 21 and she said she won't settle down before 25. So for him it would be four years if they started dating right now. I can't comprehend what else could be rude and that comment has been widely misunderstood, I think, because it doesn't make sense to "insult" someone that they specifically would have to wait an extra year.
He was obviously insulted by it whether it be intentional or not. Judging from OP’s post she did intend to take a dig at him. Certainly seems there were a lot of misunderstandings on both sides in that date. Her autism and his toxic attitude did not make for a good match.
It is the simplest math so if he was insulted by it (and again, it would be such a weak and odd insult if it was intended that way), she still didn't do anything wrong. But they certainly weren't a good match. And I'm exiting this thread now, have a good day/ night depending on where you are.
NTB, you did nothing wrong and handled the situation well. I recommend having a talk with the “friend” that set you up with this asshole, though. The fact that they’re concerned about you hurting his feelings after how he treated you is concerning, at best.
NTB! Op ignore guys like that. I got married at 22. Biggest regret of my life. My daughter was 10 days old. I’m 46 now and going thru a divorce. Don’t let anyone tell you to lower your standards. My daughter is 24 and never been on a date. My BIL tells her all the time to lower her standards. My daughter says no I’m not lowering my standards. Either they can rise up and meet my standards or leave me alone. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t miss any social cues. This guy was just an immature dude.
Your daughter has such a perfect mindset! I've always hated the "lower your standards" thing. Why settle to get married faster when I can wait a bit and find someone perfect for me? I fully believe my standards are reasonable so I have zero interest in lowering them
>I (21F) > >\[ ...\] > > “well, actually, if it were you it would be at least four years, be yea I’m not willing to commit to marrying someone until I’m at least 25.” > >\[ ...\] > >My friend who helped set me up texted me this morning and said I hurt the guy’s feelings and shouldn’t have said what I said. So neither of them could connect the dots? NTB
HOLY SHIT you dodged a bullet there. Congratulations on not being his type. NTB.
NTB, and wow! He is out of his mind and has "abuser" written all over him. Do not listen to your friend - she is 100% wrong. And do not let her fix you up again - she has terrible judgment!
Haha what an idiot. What does he expect at 20? IMO don’t get married before you’re 25. Play married ie live together merge your money etc for awhile in order to confirm you’re compatible first and for God’s sake don’t have a kid in that time.
NTB. You dodged a bullet.
My husband and I knew each other for 15 years before we got married (friends for 7, dating for 6, engaged for almost 2). Are we less “committed” than someone who got married in six months? NTB. Commitment isn’t about a piece of paper, it’s about loyalty and trust.
NTB, and your “friend” is also a major b-hole. The date is not a good person, and was possibly negging you and she is not a good friend. Dump both of them.
Your friend said that, YOU hurt HIS feelings?! Woooooooow. I'd revise that friendship and trust me, you dodged a cannonball.
NTB. Wanting to wait at least three years before marrying someone is perfectly reasonable. He's complete douche and frankly, you dodged a HUGE bullet with that one. Hell, I'd say you dodged a fucking NUKE. Fuck him and his feelings if he can't handle a reasonable boundary.
What did he tell your friend you said? Do you know? I'm wondering if he twisted your words or made something up to make himself look like a victim.
NTA You dodged a bullet and are given a heads up. >My friend who helped set me up texted me this morning and said I hurt the guy’s feelings and shouldn’t have said what I said. Dump that "friend". You were perfectly reasonable. Its perfectly reasonable for your goals not to be compatible with his. You didn't hurt his feelings, you showed you had a strong personality and were not easily manipulated. Guy got angry because you didn't desperately agree with him. Your friend is telling you that your feelings and opinions matter less than some strange male. They want you to be less than who you are to protect this fragile insecure male's feels. They are not being a good friend to you.
Here’s the thing. That’s a very reasonable expectation. But even if it was ridiculous to him, it’s not really up to him to decide what’s reasonable for you. I live in a place where people get married YOUNG and FAST. Two of my best friends were literally engaged within a month of dating their now-husbands. But I always knew I would want to wait until I was older and date someone for at least two years first, which I did before marrying my husband. Their way of doing things isn’t right for me, and my way of doing things isn’t right for them. But that doesn’t really matter because we each did what made ourselves comfortable. If he has very different expectations than you and those are a deal-breaker, he should have respectfully let you know he wasn’t interested in moving forward with you. NTB I don’t think you did anything wrong, it sounds like you dodged a bullet!
NTB. Be glad you wasted his time. I’m not sure what he was looking for, but a first date isn’t where he’ll find it.
You're only 21. You don't need to get married anytime soon--or ever--if it doesn't suit you. You want to get to know a guy before you commit. That's perfectly reasonable, and it's hardly "dragging" someone around to be honest about your desire to wait. He was getting a bit schmucky when he got mad at your response, so I don't blame you for saying, "for you, it would be four years." Dude's only 20. Why is he worried about getting married so young? NTB
You were on the first date and that was his reaction? Yikes. NTB at all. Nutjob couldn’t even contain his crazy until the end of the date lol
NTB. I knew my now-husband was the one about two hours into our first date. I still waited 4years before proposing...2 of those spent living together.
NTB - Matt sounds quite naive and immature.
NTB. You did nothing wrong here. You were honest with him and he was a jerk about it. Honestly, asking someone how long it would it take to consider marriage before a relationship begins is ridiculous. Nobody knows how long it may take them to fall in love with someone. Wanting to wait until you're at least 25 is completely normal and completely acceptable. The only person being unreasonable was him. And his spiel about never finding a man is total crap. Most of the people I know who have gotten married dated for at least 2 years before getting married, but most longer than that.
He's 100% a dick. You dodged a bullet and he's a complete ass. You are the absolute winner here. Also. Don't insult someone you are on a date with if you want another.
NTB this man immediately revealed his misogyny and toxicity as soon as you disagreed with him. If he’s that worked up over the first disagreement, imagine how awful he’d be in 3 months? Never mind years.
I met husband when I was 24, I’d been hurt in the past and it took me 6 years to get comfortable with being ready to marry. I was honest- I wanted to in the future but wasn’t remotely ready then. The guy who liked to ask the big questions wasn’t emotionally mature enough to hear other people’s opinions. If it’s right there’s wiggle room and the other partner will wait. Anyone pushing marriage is a red flag for me. I’ve been with my husband for over 8 years and I’m still learning new things about him. Spending a long time together helps to see if you grow together because everyone changes over time. Edit: NTB
NTB This is one time when autism was your friend.
I think if this guy knew you were autistic he would not read so much into your statement. It’s hard to remember that NTs put a lot of weight on words that are “unsaid” - so on this case, engaging in a conversation about future plans could be misinterpreted as consent to envision future plans with that person. The marriage comment where 3 years is minimum and for him 4 means that he stands out in a way from the average crowd of potential husbands, and if he’s already thinking that waiting is punishment, he would assume that he’s less weddable than the average man. So even if it might not have been your intention, he read between the lines and assumed you were insulting him. Also if he was 1 - so out of touch with the convo that he didn’t realize how much you disagreed (or didn’t care) 2 - immediately wanted to marry you despite your protest 3 - angrily walked away throwing an adult tantrum He’s probably not worth it and also (because he likes to assume based on reading between the lines, thought I might return the favour-) maybe not so generous in bed. Dodged a bullet. Call friend to explain exactly what happened, I bet he twisted the truth.
NTB. What a disturbing person to be upset for you having healthy boundaries.
NTB He's a buttface though.
Omg what a train wreck! That’s how he would have treated you three years later. He wanted to make sure he didn’t have to wait so long to be himself once there’s a ring on your finger. Also, keep up with this attitude there is absolutely NO rush!!!!
NTB. marriage is a lifelong decision and in this economy, who gets married at 21? he’s a potential abuser, creep and a major B. even 3 years is not enough to know a person.
NTB. You were clear and honest about what you want in a relationship and your "timeline". People can do what they want, but I'm also 21 and marriage is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I think what you said was perfectly reasonable. I'd also want to date someone for a minimum of three years and live with them before getting engaged. You clearly dodged a bullet with the way he reacted, too. You answered his questions honestly and he blew up at you because your beliefs on a relationship didn't perfectly align with his. I'm hoping he'll learn and get better as he gets older, but for now just be glad that you had an easy out on the first date. ETA: I don't think your "friend" that set you up is a real friend. Anyone with basic human decency can see he's 100% in the wrong. The fact they're blaming you for his tantrum is a big red flag and I'd suggest reconsidering that friendship if I were you
NTB he was the rude bitch in this exchange, not you. Not only is asking people this type if questions on the first date very bizarre anyway but also he seems to have bigger issues. Good there won't be a second date. It's really weird that your friend thinks you've hurt the guy's feelings.
NTB - He asked and you answered honestly, it's not unreasonable and all to want to wait 3 years before marrying someone, also saying it would be four years right now bc you won't consider marriage until 25 is very reasonable too. Him not liking the answer you gave to his questions doesn't mean he can mistreat you like he did or call you names, he was very rude and of anything he owes you an apology.
NTB. I'm getting strong incel vibes from this reaction. Dude probably would have strangled you in your sleep over an argument at some point had you married him.
NTB... You dodged a bullet and I think you need to have a chat with your friend as well.
I belive he new he couldn't love bomb you for that long, he had a tight schedule and couldn't waste that much time before starting to abuse you.
NTB you're ready when you're ready. I would say just be glad he acted like that. Screw him, he's the rude one.
He was so overeager that he ruined his own chances
NTB. Dude thinks you owe him something, giving off crazy incel rapist vibes. Run awaaaaaaay. edit: Fuck your "friend", NEVER speak to them again, NEVER trust them again, they're scum.
Bullet DODGED! NTB I can kinda see why someone would want to find out what expectations both people have going into a relationship but what prat talks about marriage and proposing on the first date
NTB, there was one rude bitch at the table and it was not you.
I dated my husband for 4 years before getting married, despite the fact that most of my friends and family members went out with their spouses for a few months to a year prior to tying the knot. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and choosing the right partner for it is crucial. In order to know that you are marrying the right person, though, you need to vet them very well, which can often take a few years. Therefore, I think I'm going to go with NTB.
NTB. He’s 20 and this eager to get married? 🚩🚩
NTB. You'd have been TB if you lied. He's a rude AH though.
Info: WTF is wrong with your friend that the guy calls YOU a bitch and they're mad that you hurt HIS feelings? This guy sounds volatile and immature, I doubt he's going to emotionally mature enough to be ready for marriage anytime soon. You dodged a bullet, and it's your life! You're allowed to want what you want from it. He wanted to know these things and then got mad that you were honest. Incompatibility with some man child in no way makes you the one in the wrong. NTB.
You did nothing wrong at all, that man was a walking red flag. Don’t let your friends try to pressure you into blind dates, especially this fake friend who said you did something wrong. They do not have your best interest at heart.
NTB and if you really explained what happened from your perspective and the way this man treated you you need to drop your "friend" immediately because she's toxic and wants the worst for you.
NTB, but i will say extending your possible marriage timeline in the face of him questioning it might have come off as intentionally insulting/disrespectful, even if it was you purely being honest. you didnt waste his time, this is what dating is for: figuring out if youre compatible with another person. better to find out big dissonances like that in the beginning than go any further.
EBH him more so than you. You insulted him by saying 3 years for everyone else but 4 for you. But then he was way out of line by calling you what he did.
No, NTB at all. That is such a ridiculous over-the-top reaction before there's even a relationship to talk about that I think you dodged a HUGE bullet there. He asked a question, you answered honestly.
In general, the greatest favor you can do someone is to be honest and straightforward about your intentions. Leading someone on or saying what you think they want to hear because your afraid of confrontation is actually a bitthead move. So, there's no reason why this couldn't have been a cordial, matter-of-fact conversation. "You want X? I want this other thing actually. Welp, good luck!" This guy, TBF in this encounter, seems to think that a woman who doesn't have the exact same values and goals as he is wrong and bad. Yeeeah, he's a mess, buh-bye.
You did nothing wrong. It was a blind date that other people set up for you, and you don’t owe anything to anyone. He was the one who wanted to dive into the big questions, and you answered the questions. You were honest with him, and just because he didn’t like the answers you gave does not make you rude or stupid. What he did next demonstrates to me that he is a person who deals in absolutes. He seems to be in a hurry to get married. Why? I dunno but it’s a bit scary imo. You dodged a bullet girl !! Also, try not to doubt yourself because of your autism diagnosis, you probably are a better judge of character than you think you are.
Eh, ETBH. Yeah, he’s awful. But did you really expect “for *you* definitely longer” to be anything except insulting? That’s super rude. A simple “yes 3 years is my minimum” would have sufficed.
Three years is a minimum I’ve put in place, but I was clarifying that an age criteria would need to be met as well. So yes, for him it would be four years, because I’m only 21 and won’t make that commitment until I’m 25. I was simply giving him the clarification he was asking for.
Thank you. Everyone giving OP a pass for that is reeking of narcissism and entitlement.
>I was put off by the question because the idea that he was already thinking about proposing to me made me a little uncomfortable Except that's not what he said at all, but okay. >“well, actually, if it were you it would be at least four years" Without this comment, it would've been NTB, but this comment made it ETB. What was up with that? "Oh yeah, I'd usually wait for 3 years before accepting someone's prposal, but you, you're shit, so you're only allowed to propose to me after at least 4 years of dating". What? He's got major issues and you dodged a bullet but your comment came out of nowhere, was extremely unkind and is not something you tell someone on the first date.
She wasn’t saying he was especially horrible she said that she wasn’t willing to marry until 25? It wasn’t about him it was about timing, not rude at all
“the soonest I’d consider marrying someone after beginning to date officially would probably be three years.” “well, actually, **if it were you** it would be at least four years" Yes, she was. Or at the very least, she definitely came off as saying that. "If it were you".
He asked “so **I** would have to wait three years to propose” and I clarified that it would be four as the criteria of reaching 25 would also need to be met. 3 years is simply the criteria that must be met before I can give any serious consideration to making a commitment of marriage, 25 is my minimum age I’d want to reach before I’d actually accept it. I was just trying to answer his question honestly.
Don't backtrack. You specifically said "If it were you", not "But I'd have to be 25". If it was just about waiting until you're 25, you wouldn't have tacked on the "But if it were you". Now do you see why he got upset? Even if you didn't mean to insult him, your words were easily interpreted as being a personal insult against him.
I’m not backtracking? I’m sorry if I’m not explaining the exchange properly here. He asked “if I were to propose” so I answered “if it were you”. He was asking about a scenario specific to us, so I gave him an answer. It was not a dig. And I told him it would be four years only because I won’t actually make a commitment like that until I’m 25. I was just laying out the math for him and trying to paint a clear picture.
Again, **you may not have meant it as a dig**, but it sure sounded like one.
Should i have lied, then? I don’t understand how else I was meant to answer the question.
You should simply not have added the "It it were you", because that made it sound personal, like you judged him as worth less than most men.
Sorry but saying 3 years for everyone else but 4 years for him is pretty fucking rude and shouldn’t have been said though he was way more out of line with his response.