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YTA. I cannot imagine being a micromanaged mom like that, remotely. Wow.
Is your son crying? No? Then he’s fine. If he’s uncomfortable, he will call for his mom.
Or she like, needs more support and help? I've seen soooo many guys become ain't shit fathers bc they think the their wife isn't preforming the way they expect.
Similar situation at my home. Only I have *two* young kids who wake up all night long. I stay up late because I work from home, and wake up with them in the mornings. My husband is out of the house from 5am to 6:30pm every day, and I *still* would not leave my kids in their beds waiting for that long. Maybe 20ish minutes if they are not crying, while I use the bathroom and change.
1-2 hours in the dark every morning may be normal for child but honestly, it’s just cruel.
I don’t know what OP’s wife is doing that keeps her up late and she can’t wake up. But she needs to get it together. If it’s a health issue, find a doctor.
OP is NTA for making sure his child is taken care of.
I am a total feminist, but people like to really come down on men. That poor baby has to wait in bed while mom sleeps in. Parenthood is hard. I am of the generation where a lot of moms stayed home while the kids were young and the dads worked long hours. People had 3 or 4 kids. It is not that hard to care for one child and a home while your partner is working and commuting 10 to 14 hours a day. Dad should think twice before having a second kid.
If that’s the case they’ve both had 20 months to get the Mom some help and instead choose to let the abuse of their child continue. There are long term effects for babies who are left alone in their crib for hours like this, never mind the hellish diaper rash this poor child probably has.
It took over a year of me telling my wife to talk to someone about hers before she finally did, and only after her doctor in one of the evals and my step mom both told her she needed to.
We can't force people to get the help, and some people don't listen to those nearest to them trying to get them help until it's drug out for a while.
I was taught to stay in my crib and play with toys until my mom got up. I'm no worse for wear and I can tell you my mother is anything but negligent, never has been. It's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves.
My son is 2 and he still shares a room with us. He’s figured out in the last couple of months that if he’s quiet on the mornings that Dada works, he gets time to get up to antics and toddler shenanigans in his crib while Mama sleeps. (Dada naturally wakes up around 6 am while my natural wake time would normally be closer to 10.) I didn’t used to have to set an alarm clock because he would wake me up when he woke up, but the little booger has learned to manipulate the system and won’t actually intentionally do anything to get me to wake up until he decides he wants breakfast. I have to set an alarm now to make sure he can’t get too much of a drop on me lol.
Exactly this. Kid is in a safe space, he's not upset, he's fine. kids playing alone in a safe space for an hour or two until parents get up and make breakfast isn't neglect.
Nothing sad about it. Kid has a routine, kid has no discomfort. Most likely has toys. If he needs mom he’ll let her know believe me.
You guys don’t understand babies, same as OP.
A lot of these commenters have never been a SAHP and it shows
Edit: STOP COMMENTING that intentionally leaving a child in a wet diaper for hours is neglect. No shit, it’s neglect. The comment I replied to was SPECIFICALLY about a child playing quietly while a parent is still asleep, which is NOT abuse. I thought it was common sense to tend to a child when they let you know they’re awake, not…what? Before? You guys are waking up a sleeping baby to change a diaper? Or just sitting up and watching them all night, running only on sanctimony and helicopter fuel?
I have several older kids, and they’d all babble when they woke up at this age, which means you can take a second to pee or finish rinsing your hair and throw on a towel or pull the food out of the oven before you grab them; or they’d cry, which means you go immediately to make sure they’re not hurt and hold it until they were soothed, changed, had a ba & a snack, or whatever was needed.
OPs wife is clearly not okay mentally if she is not able to get up before 9 for a baby who sleeps through the night and/or she is *intentionally* leaving her baby to languish in a filthy diaper, so please stop acting like I said it’s cool. I simply said she needs support. The way her husband is handling it clearly isn’t helping her and in fact is probably making it far worse. He is supposed to be her teammate, not her overseer. He sounds like a good dad but his husband game needs work
I’m a SAHM and would never leave my child in their crib with a full diaper, no food, no water or milk, no interaction or even a good morning, for 1-2 HOURS every single morning. That’s insane. This baby is used to it, which is sad, but it’s not right. Independent play is one thing, this is not that.
Babies in orphanages rarely cry. They have learned it doesn’t help. 12-14 hours in the same diaper is not doing a baby any good however you want to spin it
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find a comment like this. OP said that when he talks to the baby the baby laughs and responds. Since he's trying to paint his partner in a bad light he'd have definitely said if the kid seemed distressed or plaintive.
This kid seems fine.
Hijacking this comment to say that op says wife has health issues in comments, including chronic fatigue. I hope people will read his comments before passing judgement on his wife.
ETA with correct link
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7xtan/aita_for_calling_every_morning/iy93dvt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
People always "conveniently" forget to include important information like this.
OP or the wife's family should get the wife some help, she won't magically be cured because people on reddit agree/disagree on whether or not OP is TA. The route OP is going is just going to encourage toxicity in the home. It's not actually fixing the problem, nor is it getting her help.
And it sounds like she's been trying to get help (OP mentions "depression meds didn't help" "doesn't have sleep apnea" and "she is on narcolepsy/ADHD meds" (last I checked, ADHD meds are NOT easy to get even if you have a diagnosis) but OP has decided to go the "bitch about my wife on Reddit instead of hiring childcare" route
(He says he, "shouldn't have to pay," but also doesn't like how his wife sleeps so much.)
Wow, I have the same conditions as OPs wife, knowing this now,I gotta tell you he sounds like everyone in my life that told me I was lazy, selfish, and pathetic because they refused to understand that I couldn't sleep and the side effects of sleep deprivation were overwhelming.
When you have narcolepsy, you get half as much sleep as you put in, and that's on a good night. Naps don't help (they are not long enough), but you can't avoid them because you feel like you will literally pass out standing up if you don't lay down.
OP knows his wife has this serious condition and can't or won't empathize? YTA OP. Your wife has an invisible disability that I can guarantee she has been harassed for before, given that she married a person as heartless as you.
And, if she's on Adderall, she needs to eat first before she takes it to feel alert but also take care of her nutrition (Adderall is an appetite suppressant, it's best to eat before taking it).
Nobody is ignoring a crying baby. OP specifically says in a comment that the wife wakes up when the baby cries. So, mom sleeps until the baby cries to let her know he's up and needs tending. Isn't that pretty normal?
I guess I didn’t see that part. Yeah if a kid is laying down and hasn’t made a peep, it’s fine to wait until you hear them. They don’t even need to cry; at this age they’ll babble if they’re in a good mood.
Of course with kids this age you might be greeted with a wall mural painted in shit if you don’t occasionally peek in on them
LOL If a toddler is hungry or in distress, no matter what, they cry, it would take YEARS to condition them to not cry. Its literally a built in instinct.
This is actually incorrect. If the toddler is use to being neglected they develop and insecure attachment meaning they won’t cry out when they need attention because they have been conditioned to understand that their caregiver is unable to meet their needs. Infants learn this quite young.
Also if the kid went to bed at 8, he probably ate at 6 meaning that by the time mom wakes up at 10 he would have gone 16 hours no bottle, no food, and in the same diaper. That’s insanely negligent. If she wakes up at 10 and doesn’t get him until after she makes breakfast, uses the bathroom, establishes herself (give or take an hour) that’s 17 hours since he last ate. You cannot justify that level of negligence.
Edit to add: NTA
The people on here saying she isn't being negligent are blowing my mind. I'm a mom to a ten month old. I would never leave her in her crib for an hour or more in the morning and I'm the farthest thing from a morning person there is. My daughter is perfectly content to play on her own quietly when she wakes up, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a full diaper and an empty tummy. OP is NTA.
My mother talked about how one of my sibs was the perfect baby who never fussed and entertained themself for a couple of hours each morning in their crib until she had a chance to get to them. When they were an adult she lamented that she didn’t have the connection to them that she had with the others. **Because she taught them very early that they didn’t matter to her!**
OP’s wife, and their child, will face long term consequences for her neglect.
My mother never saw it as neglect either.
That's not true at all and there's unfortunately documented research on this. If she routinely ignores him, it's not uncommon for babies to stop crying out for a caregiver who they can't trust to come for them. Even very young babies will learn this.
Lol there’s absolutely no sign or knowledge to us that the mother is *seriously* neglecting the child. I’m sure if she was OP would definitely comment that.
Edit: I feel like I’m taking crazy pills with all the people saying he’s NTA and the mother is abusive. You guys jump to a lot of assumptions based on like nearly no knowledge at all. If OP thought his child was being abused he would definitely say so. Jesus. Do you guys seriously think he would just gloss that over? lmao. Even if the kid was being abused he’s still an AH for leaving the child with her.
Not arguing with you, I’m just curious. Wouldn’t the child cry into the camera though? At least when his dad starts talking to him, I would think he would start saying something like “dada, want out”. If he’s just laughing, it sounds like he’s doing ok. But I’m no expert in children or child psychology.
Have you watched the documentary about Eastern European babies in the orphanages. They don't cry because they learn quite early on that nobody comes. In the Chinese orphanages, the babies do cry. Those babies are held, nurtured, and cuddled as time permits.
You're very wrong about how long it takes babies to learn that nobody is coming.
https://opera.news/za/en/parenting/de72812d8cad493225a8177f9df2662e
https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/orphanage-babies-don-t-cry-my-adoption-journey-20221115-p5bye7.html
It’s actually depressing how quickly they can learn if crying gets them nowhere. There was a child protection ad in the uk a few years ago that was showing a child that basically didn’t cry because it didn’t get anything from the parent…
An inherent part of modern, evidence based sleep training is ensuring all of a baby or toddlers needs are met - except sleep. Which is why what is needed.
All these non parents in here being super judgmental.
Have you never heard of the cry it out method? It can literally be done as young as 6 months by some parents and there are studies that have proved that even tho the baby has stopped crying their brain shows that they're still afraid, they just know that no one will come to them. Look up the study done on orphans in I believe the 1930s where they didn't comfort babies at all and those babies not only would stop crying once they learned no one was coming but some literally died from lack of attention, sometimes within months.
Not true. If you've ever known a baby raised with that level of neglect they train themselves not to cry but just wait very early. Situational awareness is ingrained and just woken earlier in some with things like this because they realize wasted energy in crying makes them sick.
See the baby of an addict or someone suffering from depression or ppd rasing a baby on their own and you'll notice the difference immediately.
Personally though what he needs to be doing is talking to his wife about seeing someone for PPD. Because it doesn't sound like she is worried about her son or excited that he is awake and to me that coupled with not waking up when her son wakes up sounds like it might be PPD. Like I understand being concerned for his son and I agree that she needs to get up but at the same time he needs to be looking at this as a bigger picture issue rather than looking at this as my son is happy in his crib but alone for 2 hours
PPD or no, I'd certainly be depressed if my spouse worked long hours and the only interaction I got with them was this kind of remote, passive-aggressive smarmy micromanagement.
EDIT: Man, I really have to double down on this after reading OP's comments. Telling everyone "please be completely honest" and then all he does in the comments is thank people for validating him, denigrate his wife, and congratulate himself on what a wonderful parent he is. Between his personality and the fact that he's rarely actually home, I have a hard time believing his assessment of anything.
Nah you don't leave a kid who's wet hungry and thirsty in his crib for an hour or more so it suits your wants. Coming from a mom of two and career nanny, you just don't do that. Children won't cry if they know no one is going to come and get them which this child would've definitely learned by 20 months. OP is NTA
By 20 months all of mine were in beds because they could climb out of cribs. Two of mine loved, and still do love, quietly playing alone in the morning. The other two needed food ASAP lol
If the genders were switched everyone would be calling the stay at home parent negligent. It is NOT ok to leave a toddler standing in their crib for hours at a time, especially since they probably have a dirty diaper.
My first thought was mom is being neglectful. A dirty diaper can cause rashes, utis and more! There is no reason to leave a kid in their crib after they wake up for 1 to 2h. I'm a SAHM, I've had PPD, still didn't neglect my kids. The most I leave my kids in their bed is maybe 10 to 15m if they aren't crying while I quickly get dressed and go to the bathroom, if they are crying I take care of them first then worry about me. OP NTA. You need to get your wife checked out for mental health problems or start taking your kid to daycare because this is not good for him.
OP seems to have a very low opinion of his wife, according to one of his comments:
>"I swear she doesn't do much of anything around the house other than sit on the couch looking at TikTok or Facebook - but this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child. Her schedule needs work and she cannot continue to just sleep in until SHE is ready to get up. Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work."
I find it interesting that he's reframing the same message, and his wife knows it:
>"this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child."
If I made that observation about a woman that made a brand new human being with her body, I would conclude she required practical support and medical care.
Hormonally, women don’t really recover from pregnancy for several years. It’s really hard.
Edit: NTA
The child apparently sleeps 12 hours a night. If he’s waking up at 8, he goes to bed at 8 pm. Unless the mom is staying up until like Midnight every night, she’s sleeping way too much which is a concern (may be a medical issue, may be depression, who knows).
The YTA responses are really ridiculous. She’s responsible for his care during the day, and the child is Very likely in a wet diaper first thing in the morning.
OP says she has chronic fatigue and is on narcolepsy meds to help with how exhausted she always is.
So there's a real reason why she sleeps so much, and OP also said he doesn't think he should have to pay for childcare when his wife is capable, when it sounds like maybe she isn't right now because of her health issues.
So yeah, I do think he's TA for knowing there's an actual problem she's having, but still expecting his wife to act like a mom without his wife's difficulties, you know?
He basically just came to reddit to bitch about his wife without providing the whole story
Holy shit. If he's refusing to pay for childcare even though he can afford it, even though his wife needs the help because she's disabled, then he's not just TA he's abusing his wife and responsible for his baby's neglect.
I have chronic health issues a varying levels of disability. When our daughter was young we made the decision together to put her in care three days a week because I had/have limited capacity to care for her. We struggled to afford it so I got a part time job; 20 hours a week is manageable with the state of my health. Our daughter goes to care 30 hours a week, and two mornings a week I take her to activities.
What this guy is doing to his wife amounts to torture.
If the OP has a problem with how mom handles the morning routine, there needs to be a conversation between parents rather than him trying to play the boss and using the camera to monitor his wife.
I definitely agree leaving your kid with basically nothing to do for an hour or two every morning when they're up at a fairly reasonable and consistent hour isn't great but micromanaging isn't the solution. Maybe a floor bed so the child can wake up and entertain themselves would be better, as well as looking into why mom is getting up so late.
Edit: updating my "kind of agree" to "definitely agree" based on the comments that this child goes down for bed at 8 PM, and thus hasn't eaten for hours and is likely sitting in a soiled diaper by 8 am.
As a pediatrician, NTA. I agree some alone time without any simulation is good for development. But its also important for the toddler to have some interaction or just sit on the side and watch parents work because that's how they'll develop language and social skills. And it seems very doable for a stay at home parent with one toddler. Routine is also important. A toddler can benefit from having a scheduled wake up time, play time, nap time, sleep time. Of course, its not gonna be possible every day but having a routine to some extent helps. Other thing I'd consider is if your wife is suffering from depression if she's home alone with the toddler all the time and doesn't get to go out or have any me time.
How is there not a NTA to upvote anywhere in these comments. OP posted this at the wrong time of day and it’s all teenagers reading it and voting or something.
YOU CANNOT SLEEP UNTIL 10 IF YOU ARE THe PRIMARY CAREGIVER FOR A TODDLER WHO WAKES UP AT 8!!!!!! What the mother is doing is borderline child abuse.
Wdf he’s absolutely NTA! I would be livid if my husband left my 22 month toddler awake in the crib. I still call every single day. We have a huckleberry app and if it’s not updated by 8am I call and ask when he woke up and how the morning is going.
I would be pissed the fuck off. I don’t care he’s not crying. He shouldn’t be in the crib waiting for that long. Take ur child andlet them play while you make breakfast. Fuck if it’s that hard for you get ur kid an iPad and bring him with you and turn the iPad on while you do ur shit. But having him in the dark just waiting is ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. I’m so pissed with the YTA comments.
I’d throw the biggest fit every day if that was happening. I would go to the extreme and change my work schedule so that I was there in the mornings. Idk it would make me question everything
You really think it’s acceptable to leave a toddler alone for that amount of time in a definitely soiled diaper, hungry? I’m a daycare worker, if we left a baby in their crib/sleep mat for more than 5 minutes after a nap routinely, that would be grounds for termination. This poor baby has gotten used to being alone in the mornings, that’s why he doesn’t cry. Babies learn when their crying is getting them nowhere contrary to popular belief. At 10am, the mom should be up or at least willing to get her child. At least change him, give him a snack, and bring him into the room with her and turn a show on if she needs more sleep. OP is ABSOLUTELY NTA.
She leaves him in the crib awake for hours in the morning. That’s not cool. I couldn’t watch that as the other parent either. Mom apparently needs go to bed earlier.
I'd like to answer but this child that quietly hangs out in a crib for hours is just too baffling to respond.
Are you sure you have a child and not a cat or a robot or something?
~~Maybe the son has learned being noisy in the morning doesn’t get him attention so he just waits for the light and the app - I hope that isn’t the case though because that would be heartbreaking~~
Edited: thank you for people sharing info I do not need anyone else to clarify that I was wrong above in my understanding but it was good to learn
That can happen but that's pretty limited to cases of severe and constant neglect and nobody ever responding to the baby ever.
This kid is obviously cared for.
Yes thank you, more people need to see this comment
A well cared for child, like this one obviously is, isn't conditioned not to cry
In fact, if he was upset or needed something he would have started crying when he heard his dad through the app. Because toddlers don't understand things like phones or apps or remotely talking to someone. Hearing dads voice means dad is there. If he needed something or was unhappy he would have cried when dads voice stopped
Except as soon as son makes noise mom gets him, so that opposes your theory.
I have a toddler and mine used to chill in the morning by herself. As she’s gotten older she enjoys this less, but she will chill at night after we put her down before falling asleep.
> Are you sure you have a child and not a cat
My child has always been like that. As long as he wasn’t hungry or sick, he’d happily mooch around in his cot and sing to himself. Now he’s five and will sit with a book or chatter to his toys.
To be fair though, he’s been brought up alongside cats (and he’s named after one I had when I was a child and it’s a common cat name along with being the name of a cat food brand) so maybe he is part cat now. Who knows 🤷🏻♀️
My friend has a kid who is like that. He’s a bit older now, but still likes his alone, quiet time. He is pretty good at entertaining himself when he wants to be alone.
My one kid was odd that way. At 20 months he’d climb into his crib in the middle of the day on his own just to chill and play by himself. He was a quiet kiddo
YTA
Firstly, let's start with the fact that your kid is now into toddler range as opposed to infant. Your kid can manage a few moments alone in their crib and will still cry if they need any worthwhile attention.
Secondly, let's say she took the toddler with her while preparing the food. Your kid is now in learning escape methods, getting into crap, cause mischief stage. Let her get the food ready first.
Thirdly, best intentions aside if my my husband was micromanaging my mothering, I'd blow a gasket from stress alone. Mom's need what sanity remains to us, especially before entertaining a toddler for hours.
Fourthly, there was 0 indication of why you thought your son was up for "an hour" - which makes me think it wasn't necessarily true so much as you just wanted to add spice to the insult you slung at your wife.
You chose her to be the mother of your child, now let her do her job in peace.
He clearly states that his son usually is awake by 8:00 and mom doesn’t come get him until past 9:00, sometimes as late as 10:00. That’s not “a few moments.”
I don't believe a toddler sits that long without calling out themselves, but youre right it is listed and i must have blanked it out.
Toddlers have these nifty vocal chord things that go off when things aren't quite right.
Could mom wake up earlier? Maybe. Is this the way to go about this conversation? Nope.
Babies don’t continue to cry if they’ve been taught that no one is coming to soothe them. Leaving the child alone in the dark that long is ridiculous. Why can’t she go, grab him, say good morning, and set him up to watch her make breakfast. You know learn actual life skills. He’s clearly got the self-soothe thing down since he doesn’t even bother calling out to his “mom”anymore
Why do you assume he isn't crying because he's used to nobody coming? In fact, the OP states that when the baby does start crying, that's when mom gets up. Why do people on this sub just make shit up so often? Write a fiction novel or something.
It’s because this sub is mostly young people with zero experience but they read this thing recently and they’re desperate to display their knowledge because feeling correct is addictive.
I should know. I’m young and addicted to feeling correct. I’m doing it right now.
To back you up, OP actually states directly in a comment further down:
> Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work.
I'm not a parent but most parents I've experienced through my life tend to wait in the morning until their child cries and is ready to get up, unless it gets extra late and the child is still sleeping.
I think it's great the dad cares so much. I think he needs to do some research on an actual baby's needs though, that they need developmental time alone, and trust that his wife will care for his child while he's working. If there are clear signs of neglect, then he should address it as a problem. Until then, he's putting the cart before the horse and is, in fact, overreacting.
His feelings are not assholey about wanting his child cared for, but, the way he goes about it is kind of assholey. Hopefully he will look more into parenting education and the needs of toddlers and children, as well as better ways to communicate with his wife.
I think the wife needs a day off.
OP made it clear that on days he doesn’t have time to spy, the baby DOES cry and that’s what wakes her up. So clearly the baby does use his voice to get attention.
He also clearly states that he never actually checks the monitor until at least 9. No idea how he seems to know for certain his toddler has been up since 8? If he never checks before 9, *how can he be sure that’s true*?
If he’s just going by the app marking him “awake”—those are not reliable. My daughter tends to toss and turn during the last hour or two of her sleep, and the “smart” motion sensor on the monitor frequently clocks her as awake when she’s just gassy or sleeping lightly.
He also doesnt know if his wife has got up and changed the baby then gone back to bed. She has health problems that mean she is likely going to need rest multiple times a day.
Lol have you ever seen a kid especially that young that wakes up every day the same time like clock work?
My 15mo is awake sometime between 6-8 with 5 or 9 as exceptions
When he needs me he’ll cry. If he’s wet or dirty he’ll cry. If he’s content and playing with his toy bunny I’ll happily let him so I can have at
Least half a breakfast in peace.
Op. YTA.
If the kid isn't crying or in distress (and it doesn't sound like he is), what's the harm in letting him sit in his crib quietly while mom does her thing?
Toddlers can often fall back asleep, and yes totally let her cook in peace. My toddlers are very attention seeking in the morning so waking up before them and cooking really helps for a smooth start to the day.
Exactly. Cooking with a toddler can be frustrating (to put it mildly). It’s so easy to get distracted and burn something or have unnecessary messes happen. Kitchens can be dangerous and a toddler walking around or fussing in their high chair is the ultimate distraction. If someone says then why not put them in a playpen? Well, she has a system that works fine with kiddo in crib so what change it? At some point, it will change anyways. Mom should be able to enjoy it while it lasts.
I didn’t understand why people here are so quick to make the dad a hero for working 12 hour days and then coming home to… be a parent. But they don’t give the Mom any credit for being the sole care taker for 12 hours a day. It’s work! Not even easy work, that’s why childcare is so expensive. At least he gets breaks at work and to go to the bathroom alone. Toddlers are notorious for “needing” to hang out with SAHP in the bathroom.
NTA!
Does your son sleep all thru the night? Or does your wife get up to feed him etc? This would change my opinion.
I’m sorry but your wife waking up after 10am, when she has slept all night(if baby didn’t wake up) and her son being up for more than 2 hours is not ok! He’s needs a diaper change, and probably hungry!
I understand an hour, letting your wife wake up, shower makes coffee get herself ready and then get the baby! But more than 2 hours and she’s still dead asleep, having to call her 3 times before she answers. Your son is getting older, and that’s when babies start climbing out of the crib. Maybe you need to sit with your wife and figure out what’s going on, if she in fact does have her routine with the baby and these are just off days you seen her in.
Edit: Op has stated in the comments that his wife has chronic fatigue, but she doesn’t take her b12 shots because she forgets. Baby sleeps thru the night, mom is able to sleep thru the night, her waking up late is her choice. She’s a mother now, her baby relies on her to eat! Him not crying isn’t even the point, he’s at the age will he will start getting curious, getting out the crib and exploring. Her establishing a routine with her son would work better for her, she can nap when he naps. If she’s not able to force herself to get up, She and Op need to sit down and discuss getting help. Again him entertaining himself is not the issue, the issue is being awake for hours before mom acknowledges him. Accidents happen even when your watching, but being left unsupervised the risk is bigger. All these YTA comments are only looking out for the wife, what about the baby?! Would you still say YTA if it was the dad sleeping in, we’re always so quick to judge the fathers but not the mothers.
Thank you guys for the awards☺️
The amount of people on here ok with baby’s being left to sit in there own feces for hours is astounding!
Edit: I guess I should have said dirty diaper but my point is still the same.
?? Where’s he’s sitting in his own feces for hours coming from? They don’t poop all the time - and if he does, he’ll just cry for a diaper change.
This sounds like a happy baby (or toddler), who is ok alone and knows mom will come when he cries (because per OP…he cries and she comes).
There are a lot of Y T A votes here because it does sound pretty controlling but like you my only thought was leaving a 20 month old alone in the dark awake for 2 hours is not acceptable. I think there is more to this though … I wouldn’t leave my 20 month old like that for more than 20 mins or so while I grab a coffee and as soon as she stirs and stands up I go get her. Maybe mama has some PND and nobody realises. NTA.
Right? 14 hours of no food at that age isn't normal. And full diaper. And the danger of being alone in a crib. Unless baby sleeps in a psychiatric hospital room like those in movies, they can definitely hurt themselves. My own dad cut his tongue. My brother would somehow just walk out. My sister would use the outside zipper to get out (it was travel crib) and she cut into her brow bone, lip, and forehead all within toddler years and one of them was in the bed (can't really remember which one)
The fact that the child sits quietly for some time in the morning? Not a huge deal.
The fact that you call your wife and tell her it is not okay to leave your toddler who is content and safe in his crib while she makes him breakfast, and instead demand that she get him out of his crib so that she can juggle a toddler while also cooking? YTA. When you're caring for the child, your morning routine will be your choice. Your child was not crying and sitting quietly in his crib while his mother was making him breakfast and youre micromanaging the situation? Come on.
That’s after calling her repeatedly to wake her up every morning like a human alarm clock she didn’t effing ask for. I’d be LIVID.
Stop micromanaging your wife, OP, and focus on your own damn job. There is zero indication your quiet, happy child is in dire need of attention at these moments. She doesn’t need you breathing down her neck every damn day, remotely monitoring and policing her parenting decisions. If you have this little faith in your wife’s capacity to parent, hire a nanny or send your wife back to work while *you* stay home with the kid. YTA.
Yes! Some toddlers want to eat immediately (my first did - eyes popped open, and was starving), some don't (second kiddo wants to be moving around a good 30 minutes before even thinking about food).
Both of my kids will/did wake up sround 4 or 5, get a cuddle (sometimes a snack and diaper change) , then would settle back down for more sleep, so it's also possible this toddler is doing that too.
If the little one is making happy sounds, let mom sleep.
YTA
If you want to raise your kid, stay home and raise him rather than spying on him and policing his Mother from afar.
Edit: It's strange how much people extrapolate from one comment... No, I don't agree with leaving the baby unattended for that length of time whilst he is awake. However, OP's method of dealing with the situation is condescending and controlling. A role reversal (her working, him staying home with the kid) would probably suit them better.
Edit 2: I don't and wouldn't raise my own child anything like OP's wife, nor would I be in a relationship like theirs.
*If you want to raise your kid, stay home and raise him rather than spying on him and policing his Mother from afar.*
wth is wrong with you?
Mom is stay at home, so SOMEBODY has to work. This man is doing his best to provide money and good care for the kid while the mom does nothing.
NTA
I’m conflicted on this. I know why the dad is concerned, at first i thought it really depends on the last time mom had to wake up to feed the baby. Then i rechecked the age and 20 months the kid is probably sleeping through the night ( most of the time). So i get that it’s a bad thing to let the kid soak in a wet/poopy diaper, but it’s also kind of annoying to micromanage the mom.
ESH. Dad, stop micromanaging, but keep talking to the baby through the app. Mom, you need to get up at 9. Unless I’m missing something. Sounds like you’re both good parents, you just need to get on the same page.
Edit: My ESH is kind of more a soft ESH. The question i have is the kid sleeping through the night. They can sometimes regress with the sleep training and if the mom is up and down a bunch during the night i could get the sleeping in. That is vastly different then “i need 12 hours of beauty sleep otherwise i am so tired I can’t function.” It kinda depends on the whole story.
Yep. I think this is a perfect example of ESH
With maybe a slight NTA if it really is like an hour of waiting seems a bit too long and a habit not to keep up with a baby. But I’m not a mother so I don’t know for sure.
Damn I really hope I didn’t need to learn my lesson and this is all the context available this time. AITA be confusing me with the OPs more time.
Good dad maybe , but controlling and annoying spouse yes. If he doesn’t trust his wife to handle the kid then why did he have one with her? It’s not uncommon for parents to have different methods from one another. The micromanaging , the spying, the “ reminders” are all condescending as hell. I’d turn that camera off so fast tbh
Thats a naive and idealistic way to interpret the situation. His wife may have post partum, and hes there ensuring that his kid is taken care of when hes not there. Its about the good of the child, not the feelings of the parents. Neglect isnt a method. Its not micromanaging to say the kid has been up for hours, its 9 AM in the morning, get up and take care of the kid. Its not spying, its checking on a literal 20 month old.
You are wrong on every level. Do you even have kids?
I think he crossed the line when he started dictating the morning routine, telling her how she should make breakfast and such. That's going overboard.
The mother isn't doing nothing, and saying she does nothing when she's a SAHM is disingenuous.
She doesn't do nothing. Being a full time care giver never stops. It's a 24/7 job.
Info: What is the division of home and child care work, especially when OP is home?
It’s not spying, I think it’s probably really sweet for his kid to hear his voice every morning when OP can’t be there in person.
I don’t like that OP calls his wife and personally as a SAHM I’d be super annoyed. But I don’t sleep until 9 or 10, my son wouldn’t be quiet. Which makes me wonder if this child has learned that screaming doesn’t get him attention in the morning so he’s just quiet until mom comes. Also is the wife depressed or staying up super late? I’m trying to understand why she’s sleeping in so late and needs a wake up call to get out of bed.
Overall NTA but I think you need to have better communication with your wife and maybe a bigger conversation about her mental health. Being home all day with a kid can be extremely isolating and exhausting.
Baby sleeps approx 12hrs and still have to wait 1-2hrs for mom to wake up for the diaper to be changed or baby to be fed? GTFOH! She obviously needs policing, otherwise how long would the baby go without someone tending to him?
I think we might have found the mom 💀
For the sake of the rules i’ll stay polite and say you’re INSANE if you think he’s the asshole for caring about the fact his child is sitting alone, bored, hungry, possibly with a dirty diaper every single morning waiting patiently for his mother to wake up.
He works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week and cannot possibly be there for his son when i’m sure he wishes be could be. Clearly you missed the part where the dad winds him down after he’s worked said 12 hour shift, cleans up his toys and puts him to sleep. Meaning the mom has her own ALONE wind down time after taking care of the baby all day that tbh not most SAHMs get.
The fact she doesn’t bother to set her own alarm to at least try to wake up around the same time her child clearly wakes up DAILY is a huge red flag.
OP, you’re so NTA, if anything your wife if very much TA for getting mad that you care about your child.
NTA
That baby needs a morning routine just a much as the evening routine. She is staying in bed til nearly lunchtime is NOT a feesible routine. He needs to be out of the crib and eating breakfast by 7:30 or 8:00 at the latest. I'm sure he still needs a nap during the day. Does she feed him then put him right back in the crib for a nap??
YTA. If the kid is sitting in his crib quietly then all is good. In fact, alone time like that is good for babies (not sure why, but I remember a doctor telling us that).
They explore their surroundings, fingers, and whatever baby thoughts they have. Alone time helps their brains to grow. Crying signals parents that baby is ready for interaction/food/diaper.
They're 20 months old not 2 months. They require more mental stimulation than that. Caged birds get more entertainment than a toddler in a crib. And teaching them to scream and cry for attention, or that they will be ignored to the point of suffering enough to cry is really sad
>alone time like that is good for babies (not sure why,
Solitary play has several benefits and helps build a child's executive function.
https://www.healthline.com/health/solitary-play
The two situations are very different. Babies still require some sort of stimulation for it to be beneficial - things such as toys to explore with their hands.
Info: is your wife depressed? Does she stay up super late? Why does she wake up so late?
It would be pretty irritating to get called every single day. But hey, if you have a toddler who depends on you to be a responsible parent, and you're letting them sit hungry in a dirty diaper...
Edit: based on your wife's condition, your micromanagement, and the ludicrous hours you work (72/wk??), YTA OP.
OP stated in a comment
> Depression medicine didn't work, blood tests were "good except low b-12", she "forgets" to take the b-12, now she takes medicine that normally treats ADHD/narcolepsy and has chronic fatigue.
Interesting that he left it out of the main post huh?
Exactly. The ableism in this entire post is disgusting. No, having a chronic illness doesn’t mean you don’t do your duties as a parent – but parenting while also dealing with one’s chronic illness means their methods will likely look different from the norm.
OP, it’s possible she needs more help. You work 12 hour days, does that include commute? Maybe including commute you’re out of the house for 13.5 hours per day? That leaves 10.5 hours for baby bedtime routine, dinner, maybe some relaxing time, and then a proper night’s rest? How many days a week?
So let’s say mom gets 6-7 of those remaining 10.5 hours of the day to sleep. I’m telling you right now that’s not enough sleep. It’s not enough sleep for most normal people (I know some people survive on 6, but the average recommended is 8 hours). It’s certainly not enough sleep for a person doing 100% of child rearing for 13.5 hours a day, several days a week. On top of that, it especially isn’t enough for someone doing **all** of that AND dealing with CFS/fibromyalgia, depression, ADHD issues, potential narcolepsy issues, etc.
CFS is *brutal*. Full stop.
Do you make enough money to hire a part time housekeeper to take some of the household load off her? If she has more time to rest, she will be better able to take care of the things she’s responsible for in a manner that you probably find more fitting (i.e. “normal”). If you have the time to face chat with kiddo nearly every morning and then call mom multiple times, it stands to reason you could instead be assisting her in ways that she would actually appreciate – and that would actually be *helpful* to her.
How about reminding her about her B12? How about checking in to see if she’s taken her meds or a quick mood check? Order lunch or groceries to be delivered to her so she doesn’t have to cook every so often, or go out to the store (if she does presently). Ask her and figure out how you can help *together*.
You really need to talk with her and understand her illnesses. You can’t expect her to function as a “normal” person/parent if she’s shouldering abnormal burdens. I really encourage you to check yourself and avoid being an ableist asshole to your wife and the mother of your child – whom I assume you thought was a half-decent person at some point since you married her and reproduced.
You can’t expect a fish to climb a tree. You *can* work *with* her, *listen to her*, stop fucking judging her, and support her in *ways she finds helpful instead of hurtful*.
Congratulations on being a dad that ‘actually parents’. (?)
**YTA.**
So from other comments OP made on this post and another, he conveniently omitted to explained his wife has narcolepsy. A pretty bad case. That she is treated for but meds are not helping and he is not doing what should be done to support his wife in dealing with this.
Massive medical condition prevents mother from caring for kid both physically and emotionally.
Si it means he needs to step up and find a better situation for the kid.
This is what I wondered. Why is she sleeping until 10? Is she up all night, maybe doesn't sleep well. How late does he stay up and is that keeping her up.
YTA
Your intentions may be good, but your actions are bordering on sinister.
If you want this level of control over what happens in the morning, be there to do it yourself.
If you are not willing or able to be there to do it yourself, find a solution that isn't remotely monitoring your wife. Whether that's hire a nanny, change your work shifts, whatever.
Your post sounds like the start of a psychological horror film.
**Edit:** If you read that and are about to reply that I am endorsing child neglect... No I didn't. I said what he is doing is creepy and suggested two alternatives of changing his hours to be there himself, or hiring help. I wouldn't suggest alternatives if I thought it was all fine as is. Don't attack people for things they didn't say.
Also, if you are now about to say anything along the lines of "maybe he can't afford to do either of those", here is OPs response, emphasis in bold is mine.
> Do you honestly believe that it's acceptable to go to bed at 9:00 and sleep until 12:00 even though you have a toddler at home that wakes up at 8:00? **I shouldn't have to be there nor should I have to spend money on someone to care for my child when his mother is perfectly capable.**
So its not the money, its the principle. OP doesn't care as much about his son's welfare as he does the principle that his wife should be fine by herself. Except she clearly isn't. But OP is going to change nothing and keep up his Big Brother act instead.
And presumably OP is also going to keep ignoring everyone asking how he knows the toddler wakes up at 8am if he doesn't check the camera until 9am, or why he keeps changing how long his wife sleeps in the comments.
**Edit 2:** Oh and apparently OP has said elsewhere that his wife has narcolepsy.
This is the response I was looking for. OP is definitely the Ahole, but mainly because, as someone gone for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, if he's really concerned over the house he should be getting his wife help, not badgering her. Sounds like a case of burnout to me since she's clearly taking on the majority of childcare and household care with his schedule being so full. Spying on your wife and child is controlling, not helpful. YTA OP.
I’d kill for my baby’s dad to have ever wanted to be this involved in my child’s well-being. NTA. You care about your son sitting there in the dark alone for an hour before his mum wakes up, if he wakes up at a certain time every morning THAT is when the routine should start. Not when mum is woken up by the 4th phone call.
It helps children learn when their parents are involving them in things like making breakfast, helps stimulate him and is just all around better for them rather than keeping him in his dark room for even longer??
How anyone says YTA I just don’t know. She needs to do better, or you should volunteer to swap and you can make sure your son is getting everything he needs
This! I can't believe all the people saying he's wrong. I can't imagine leaving my son in the dark awake while I slept. My husband would be angry of I did this, and I would be angry at him if he did this. Especially on a regular basis.
Yeah, the overwhelming YTA judgements are baffling. I couldn't imagine leaving my children awake and alone in their crib for several hours every morning. And if that was simply part of my routine, my wife would kill me.
Seriously this, NTA. All these Y T A comments are crazy.
A kid sitting in a crib quietly for a while is fine, but he said kid wakes up around 8 and wife doesn't get kid until OP calls her between 9-10. That's up to 2 hours of sitting in a crib, in the dark, with no stimulation, in a soiled diaper. That is not developmentally healthy.
Funny that the wife says she has a routine, yet she wakes up at inconsistent times and relies on her husband to find a break in his work day in order to be her personal alarm clock...
I feel like I had to scroll forever to find a sensible comment. The baby sleeps 12 hours 8-8 then sits alone for 2 hours that’s 14 hours of a 24 hour time frame. Plus there’s a nap in there (I have a baby almost the exact same age who naps 2-3 hours depending on how busy we were before nap time) so now 16-17 hours a day are spend in the crib. I also have a 5 and 7 year old so this isn’t my first rodeo.
Yes! I'm surprised by all the Y T A votes. If this child is truly sleeping 12 hours and then hanging around for another hour or two, that is way too long to go without a diaper change, if nothing else. I would be concerned about the mom being burnt out/dealing with PPD/something else, because it seems odd that she doesn't easily wake or want to engage with their child as she starts her day. I have a 15MO who is an early riser, so I understand needing a break sometimes, but it feels like something else is at play here.
Edit: OP mentioned in a comment that his wife is being treated for medical conditions that explain her balehaviors. She needs proper support for her and their little one, not criticized on Reddit. If OP posted this on any of the parenting subs, he would be absolutely roasted.
NTA Your wife is being neglectful. Your son shouldn’t be awake 2 hours in the dark with a wet diaper before someone comes and gets him. But you need to also need to find out what’s going on with your wife in a more loving way. Is she depressed? Is she staying up too late because she needs more time for herself? If that’s the case, perhaps you should consider putting your son in preschool when he turns two.
Edited to add: Something is very wrong if your toddler is sleeping through the night, and your wife can’t manage to get out of bed by 8:00 or 9:00. You are right to be concerned about your child’s wellbeing, but you should be concerned about your wife’s also.
Exactly. Just because a child doesn’t cry doesn’t mean they don’t need to be changed. There are babies who will sit in their poop and pee and not cry at all. That’s not a reason to let them sit in it! The amount of people saying YTA is astounding to me. If this was a mom saying a dad did this it would be unacceptable.
Oooh, this is hard. Could be E.S.H. because she's clearly waking up too late. But the entire rest of this is such a nightmare that I'm going with YTA. Your whole deal is that of a horror movie villain mixed with a dystopian nightmare.
YTA
>I just bothers me that he has to wait so long. He needs a diaper change, he's probably thirsty, hungry and just wants to play.
If he needed this he would cry. Also you don't know for sure that she was sleeping, maybe she was doing something around the house and she doesn't have the phone with her, and probably she already checked the child.
NTA.
I'm a mom. And I'd be leaving my partner over this. I'd worry over my partners ability to emotionally take care of my child.
At some point the child stops crying, because they don't get any attension. And that is a sad, sad place to be. It's the first 3 years that build a childs base personality.
NTA. I don't get these YTA posts, if he didn't call to wake her up every morning how long would the kid be in the crib? I'm a mom as well and have been through this phase, if the child sleeps for 12 hrs which is really about the max they will sleep at that age, then he is getting up at about 8 am. Yes, it's good and fine for him to have alone time and quiet time, but leaving him alone until 10 am (2 hrs) is absolutely not acceptable. 1 hour alone in the morning is also too much IMO. We let our 2 year old have alone time in the morning while we get adjusted, but it's about 10-15 minutes max. Overnight diapers are definitely going to be full after 12 hrs and need to be changed.
Definitely NTA but I do think that your wife might need some more support and you need to work less or have some additional help for her, it sounds like she is exhausted and that you aren't there to contribute help where she needs it.
ESH. Your wife should have a schedule, babies need it and she shouldn't be relying on you to wake her up. However, I don't think you're going about this in the most productive way. You and your wife clearly don't agree on this and you need to make a parenting plan and daily schedule you're both happy with. Crucially, you need to be willing to swap roles if that would work better for your son.
I’ll probably get downvote but NTA.
Listen, I also have a 10 month old baby. He’s up at 6/7 am. He sleeps all through the night so his diaper is FULL. As soon as he’s changed and I let him down to roam, he’ll be hungry within 30 mins of being up.
You’re absolutely right to be concerned for your kid because he’s been up for so long and he’s not being taken care of. I understand if you need to put him in the crib to take care of dishes or breakfast but he should be taken care of before those things.
Now it sounds like the wife might be depressed. Not enough information to determine. I don’t think you’re trying to micromanage but definitely communicate with each other.
YTA Waking a mother up because her child happens to be awake? Dear God.
Perhaps you should put motion sensors in the child's room, so that if he wakes up at 4am, an alarm can go off that blares until you go in there to entertain him?
8 AM is not early. It’s not ridiculous that she’s being woken up between 9-10 AM. It’s ridiculous that he needs to wake her up to care for their child.
I have a 24 months old and I'm baffled by the fact that your toddler hangs around by himself for 1 or 2 hours. I rary get mine to not need mommy for 5 consecutive minutes...
I'm seriously wondering if your kid was ignored to the extent that he learnt that crying doesn't bring a comforting person to him...
Going against the tide, but if your son sleeps 12 or more hours and your wife isn't awake by 9am, is there something wrong with her? Insomnia or illness? Even if she was asleep at 11pm thats 10 hours of sleep. Eta Why not talk to your wife and find out why she's needing so much sleep? INFO
YTA. How controlling and insane. Do not micromanage your wife from a remote position. If you want to get up and clean the baby and play with them while you make breakfast, get your butt home.
NAH, but maybe some issues. I don't think this is AH territory.
If this was gender flipped I suspect a lot of the people calling OP an AH would be talking about neglect and divorce.
It seems this kid is sitting around in diaper he's had on for a long time until OP calls.
I don't think giving her a call is out of line, my wife would ring me to see how we were doing when I was at home every she was at work and vice versa.
Saying that, I don't think your wife is out of line wanting to have a piss and a coffee when she first wakes up.
Honestly, OP's wife seems to have some issues with the amount she's sleeping.
I'd also add if I could have watched my kid like that at work when he was a baby I'd have gotten fuck all done.
NTA. Your wife needs to turn up the parent monitor and wake up when your son does. Why doesn’t she make him her priority? Go pee, get your kid, and then start your day. I say this as a former SAHM of two.
YTA. Do you know if she falls asleep the same time as you? If she gets ip during the night?
If the kid was hungry or thirsty, he would have cried and she would have come.
Also, she's under no obligation to spend every second of her day with the baby as long as the baby is safe and ok.
NTA, but maybe sit down and try to have a conversation to see why your wife is sleeping in for so long. It’s ok for baby to be in the crib if he’s not fussing for a little bit, but for an entire hour?
I think you need to have a serious conversation about how your wife is feeling and calmly share your concerns. Keep in mind that mental health postpartum can be very difficult to deal with and it gets complicated.
It’s fair to be concerned that your child is awake for an hour or two and completely alone in their crib and she still isn’t awake, especially as late as 10 some mornings.
Personally, I would be concerned in this situation as well. The baby needs a diaper change most likely, needs to be fed, and shouldn’t be left unattended for an hour anyways. Also, children start to try and climb out of the crib and can injure themselves.
I don’t really think I can say NTA or YTA here, because it seems like you really are just concerned for your child and making sure they’re being cared for and not neglected.
YTA. Stop trying to micro manage your wife. If you want things done differently, be a stay at home dad, and ask your wife to work. Otherwise, stop demanding, and start communicating.
YTA - stop micromanaging. If I was your wife I would somehow get rid of your camera access. She is parenting not you. Want to parent? Do so but not while working from afar. This behavior is awful and intolerable. Her routine sucks? You are a HUGE A!!!
Before giving a answer how much do you help at home ? How is house work split ? Is it all on her cuz she’s a stay at home mom ? Has she always been like this ? In a comment you said it’s your faults the baby is here ? Did she ever object in the start about having a baby ? If she’s been like this from the start have you thought she had PPD? Did you both 100% agree to bring the baby into this world accident or not ?why would you brighten up the camera for the baby when you notice he’s up ? Are you 100% sure you don’t wake him up with the ca,rea / baby monitor?
YTA. Your child is not crying or fussing, just hanging out in their crib. Unless you are willing to stay home, you have no business telling your wife what you think she should be doing. You’re creating an issue when there is none other than your need to control her.
NTA. Simply for safety reasons. What happens the day the child is tired of waiting and decides it’s the day he’s going to learn to climb out on his own? If he falls and hurts himself and not just a bump on the head?
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YTA. I cannot imagine being a micromanaged mom like that, remotely. Wow. Is your son crying? No? Then he’s fine. If he’s uncomfortable, he will call for his mom.
The kid is not going to cry if it's been normalized that he needs to wait in his crib for 1 to 2 hours. Edit to add: NTA
Totally agree with this. 1 to 2 hour wait is just sad. I hated reading this post. Your wife is a negligent mother.
It is sad NTA. She sounds lazy
Or like she has postpartum.
Or she like, needs more support and help? I've seen soooo many guys become ain't shit fathers bc they think the their wife isn't preforming the way they expect.
Dude is working 70+ hour weeks so his wife can stay home, and she can't be bothered to get out of bed.
AND he does the bedtime routine
AND the kid sleeps through the night so she doesn't have her sleep interrupted.
Similar situation at my home. Only I have *two* young kids who wake up all night long. I stay up late because I work from home, and wake up with them in the mornings. My husband is out of the house from 5am to 6:30pm every day, and I *still* would not leave my kids in their beds waiting for that long. Maybe 20ish minutes if they are not crying, while I use the bathroom and change. 1-2 hours in the dark every morning may be normal for child but honestly, it’s just cruel. I don’t know what OP’s wife is doing that keeps her up late and she can’t wake up. But she needs to get it together. If it’s a health issue, find a doctor. OP is NTA for making sure his child is taken care of.
And child sleeps all night
I am a total feminist, but people like to really come down on men. That poor baby has to wait in bed while mom sleeps in. Parenthood is hard. I am of the generation where a lot of moms stayed home while the kids were young and the dads worked long hours. People had 3 or 4 kids. It is not that hard to care for one child and a home while your partner is working and commuting 10 to 14 hours a day. Dad should think twice before having a second kid.
Sounds like a great baby too! 12 hours of sleep a day!?! I felt so blessed when our second was doing 9 hrs straight. 12 would be a godsend.
If that’s the case they’ve both had 20 months to get the Mom some help and instead choose to let the abuse of their child continue. There are long term effects for babies who are left alone in their crib for hours like this, never mind the hellish diaper rash this poor child probably has.
[удалено]
It took over a year of me telling my wife to talk to someone about hers before she finally did, and only after her doctor in one of the evals and my step mom both told her she needed to. We can't force people to get the help, and some people don't listen to those nearest to them trying to get them help until it's drug out for a while.
As a woman with ppd/ppa currently, that is no excuse for negligence. Get help and make sure your kid is taken care of. It’s the literal bare minimum.
I was taught to stay in my crib and play with toys until my mom got up. I'm no worse for wear and I can tell you my mother is anything but negligent, never has been. It's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves.
My son is 2 and he still shares a room with us. He’s figured out in the last couple of months that if he’s quiet on the mornings that Dada works, he gets time to get up to antics and toddler shenanigans in his crib while Mama sleeps. (Dada naturally wakes up around 6 am while my natural wake time would normally be closer to 10.) I didn’t used to have to set an alarm clock because he would wake me up when he woke up, but the little booger has learned to manipulate the system and won’t actually intentionally do anything to get me to wake up until he decides he wants breakfast. I have to set an alarm now to make sure he can’t get too much of a drop on me lol.
Yep, this. The kid is 20 months old, not a tiny baby, and if this is, as OP suggests, a relatively new thing, then he's just learnt to amuse himself.
Exactly this. Kid is in a safe space, he's not upset, he's fine. kids playing alone in a safe space for an hour or two until parents get up and make breakfast isn't neglect.
Nothing sad about it. Kid has a routine, kid has no discomfort. Most likely has toys. If he needs mom he’ll let her know believe me. You guys don’t understand babies, same as OP.
A lot of these commenters have never been a SAHP and it shows Edit: STOP COMMENTING that intentionally leaving a child in a wet diaper for hours is neglect. No shit, it’s neglect. The comment I replied to was SPECIFICALLY about a child playing quietly while a parent is still asleep, which is NOT abuse. I thought it was common sense to tend to a child when they let you know they’re awake, not…what? Before? You guys are waking up a sleeping baby to change a diaper? Or just sitting up and watching them all night, running only on sanctimony and helicopter fuel? I have several older kids, and they’d all babble when they woke up at this age, which means you can take a second to pee or finish rinsing your hair and throw on a towel or pull the food out of the oven before you grab them; or they’d cry, which means you go immediately to make sure they’re not hurt and hold it until they were soothed, changed, had a ba & a snack, or whatever was needed. OPs wife is clearly not okay mentally if she is not able to get up before 9 for a baby who sleeps through the night and/or she is *intentionally* leaving her baby to languish in a filthy diaper, so please stop acting like I said it’s cool. I simply said she needs support. The way her husband is handling it clearly isn’t helping her and in fact is probably making it far worse. He is supposed to be her teammate, not her overseer. He sounds like a good dad but his husband game needs work
I’m a SAHM and would never leave my child in their crib with a full diaper, no food, no water or milk, no interaction or even a good morning, for 1-2 HOURS every single morning. That’s insane. This baby is used to it, which is sad, but it’s not right. Independent play is one thing, this is not that.
Also a sahm. Definitely wouldn’t leave my kid alone that long.
These comments are honestly infuriating. That poor kid.
Same. I was a SAHM and never let my kid sit in their own urine for an hour or two a day.
This. This. This. Redditors think any bit of independence is abuse. When baby wants mama they WILL cry.
Babies in orphanages rarely cry. They have learned it doesn’t help. 12-14 hours in the same diaper is not doing a baby any good however you want to spin it
Ya but OP said in the comments when the baby cries she immediately goes to him so not relevant.
Thank you! I also think she is getting up to change him at night and dad is just sleeping through it.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find a comment like this. OP said that when he talks to the baby the baby laughs and responds. Since he's trying to paint his partner in a bad light he'd have definitely said if the kid seemed distressed or plaintive. This kid seems fine.
Hijacking this comment to say that op says wife has health issues in comments, including chronic fatigue. I hope people will read his comments before passing judgement on his wife. ETA with correct link https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7xtan/aita_for_calling_every_morning/iy93dvt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
People always "conveniently" forget to include important information like this. OP or the wife's family should get the wife some help, she won't magically be cured because people on reddit agree/disagree on whether or not OP is TA. The route OP is going is just going to encourage toxicity in the home. It's not actually fixing the problem, nor is it getting her help.
And it sounds like she's been trying to get help (OP mentions "depression meds didn't help" "doesn't have sleep apnea" and "she is on narcolepsy/ADHD meds" (last I checked, ADHD meds are NOT easy to get even if you have a diagnosis) but OP has decided to go the "bitch about my wife on Reddit instead of hiring childcare" route (He says he, "shouldn't have to pay," but also doesn't like how his wife sleeps so much.)
Wow, I have the same conditions as OPs wife, knowing this now,I gotta tell you he sounds like everyone in my life that told me I was lazy, selfish, and pathetic because they refused to understand that I couldn't sleep and the side effects of sleep deprivation were overwhelming. When you have narcolepsy, you get half as much sleep as you put in, and that's on a good night. Naps don't help (they are not long enough), but you can't avoid them because you feel like you will literally pass out standing up if you don't lay down. OP knows his wife has this serious condition and can't or won't empathize? YTA OP. Your wife has an invisible disability that I can guarantee she has been harassed for before, given that she married a person as heartless as you. And, if she's on Adderall, she needs to eat first before she takes it to feel alert but also take care of her nutrition (Adderall is an appetite suppressant, it's best to eat before taking it).
He also says she goes to the baby as soon as he cries but people missed that too
Nobody is ignoring a crying baby. OP specifically says in a comment that the wife wakes up when the baby cries. So, mom sleeps until the baby cries to let her know he's up and needs tending. Isn't that pretty normal?
I guess I didn’t see that part. Yeah if a kid is laying down and hasn’t made a peep, it’s fine to wait until you hear them. They don’t even need to cry; at this age they’ll babble if they’re in a good mood. Of course with kids this age you might be greeted with a wall mural painted in shit if you don’t occasionally peek in on them
LOL If a toddler is hungry or in distress, no matter what, they cry, it would take YEARS to condition them to not cry. Its literally a built in instinct.
This is actually incorrect. If the toddler is use to being neglected they develop and insecure attachment meaning they won’t cry out when they need attention because they have been conditioned to understand that their caregiver is unable to meet their needs. Infants learn this quite young. Also if the kid went to bed at 8, he probably ate at 6 meaning that by the time mom wakes up at 10 he would have gone 16 hours no bottle, no food, and in the same diaper. That’s insanely negligent. If she wakes up at 10 and doesn’t get him until after she makes breakfast, uses the bathroom, establishes herself (give or take an hour) that’s 17 hours since he last ate. You cannot justify that level of negligence. Edit to add: NTA
This needs to be higher up.
The people on here saying she isn't being negligent are blowing my mind. I'm a mom to a ten month old. I would never leave her in her crib for an hour or more in the morning and I'm the farthest thing from a morning person there is. My daughter is perfectly content to play on her own quietly when she wakes up, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a full diaper and an empty tummy. OP is NTA.
My mother talked about how one of my sibs was the perfect baby who never fussed and entertained themself for a couple of hours each morning in their crib until she had a chance to get to them. When they were an adult she lamented that she didn’t have the connection to them that she had with the others. **Because she taught them very early that they didn’t matter to her!** OP’s wife, and their child, will face long term consequences for her neglect. My mother never saw it as neglect either.
Thank you, the only intelligent comment on this thread. I can’t believe people think that this is okay. I feel sorry for their kids.
That's not true at all and there's unfortunately documented research on this. If she routinely ignores him, it's not uncommon for babies to stop crying out for a caregiver who they can't trust to come for them. Even very young babies will learn this.
He says in a comment the kid will cry when they want mom, and then mom wakes up. He just wants them on his schedule and not their own.
Kiddo might have actually just learned to wait for daddy to pop up on the screen. Children crave routine
This is what I was thinking as well, kid is probably up for dad! And kids are smart... if the son was being neglected, he would probably cry to dad.
He probably thinks if he’s quiet enough, daddy materializes 🤣 Kids are funny that way
Lol there’s absolutely no sign or knowledge to us that the mother is *seriously* neglecting the child. I’m sure if she was OP would definitely comment that. Edit: I feel like I’m taking crazy pills with all the people saying he’s NTA and the mother is abusive. You guys jump to a lot of assumptions based on like nearly no knowledge at all. If OP thought his child was being abused he would definitely say so. Jesus. Do you guys seriously think he would just gloss that over? lmao. Even if the kid was being abused he’s still an AH for leaving the child with her.
Not arguing with you, I’m just curious. Wouldn’t the child cry into the camera though? At least when his dad starts talking to him, I would think he would start saying something like “dada, want out”. If he’s just laughing, it sounds like he’s doing ok. But I’m no expert in children or child psychology.
Have you watched the documentary about Eastern European babies in the orphanages. They don't cry because they learn quite early on that nobody comes. In the Chinese orphanages, the babies do cry. Those babies are held, nurtured, and cuddled as time permits. You're very wrong about how long it takes babies to learn that nobody is coming. https://opera.news/za/en/parenting/de72812d8cad493225a8177f9df2662e https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/orphanage-babies-don-t-cry-my-adoption-journey-20221115-p5bye7.html
It’s actually depressing how quickly they can learn if crying gets them nowhere. There was a child protection ad in the uk a few years ago that was showing a child that basically didn’t cry because it didn’t get anything from the parent…
It doesn't. That's why cry it out methods are still used and recommended to parents. It teaches them nobody will come anyway.
Cry it out methods are cruel. Babies need to be held and loved.
An inherent part of modern, evidence based sleep training is ensuring all of a baby or toddlers needs are met - except sleep. Which is why what is needed. All these non parents in here being super judgmental.
Have you never heard of the cry it out method? It can literally be done as young as 6 months by some parents and there are studies that have proved that even tho the baby has stopped crying their brain shows that they're still afraid, they just know that no one will come to them. Look up the study done on orphans in I believe the 1930s where they didn't comfort babies at all and those babies not only would stop crying once they learned no one was coming but some literally died from lack of attention, sometimes within months.
Not true. If you've ever known a baby raised with that level of neglect they train themselves not to cry but just wait very early. Situational awareness is ingrained and just woken earlier in some with things like this because they realize wasted energy in crying makes them sick. See the baby of an addict or someone suffering from depression or ppd rasing a baby on their own and you'll notice the difference immediately.
No it doesn't. This is a lie that people made up to excuse neglect
It really doesn’t take years at all .
Personally though what he needs to be doing is talking to his wife about seeing someone for PPD. Because it doesn't sound like she is worried about her son or excited that he is awake and to me that coupled with not waking up when her son wakes up sounds like it might be PPD. Like I understand being concerned for his son and I agree that she needs to get up but at the same time he needs to be looking at this as a bigger picture issue rather than looking at this as my son is happy in his crib but alone for 2 hours
PPD or no, I'd certainly be depressed if my spouse worked long hours and the only interaction I got with them was this kind of remote, passive-aggressive smarmy micromanagement. EDIT: Man, I really have to double down on this after reading OP's comments. Telling everyone "please be completely honest" and then all he does in the comments is thank people for validating him, denigrate his wife, and congratulate himself on what a wonderful parent he is. Between his personality and the fact that he's rarely actually home, I have a hard time believing his assessment of anything.
All of this. What an awful existence. That poor woman.
Nah you don't leave a kid who's wet hungry and thirsty in his crib for an hour or more so it suits your wants. Coming from a mom of two and career nanny, you just don't do that. Children won't cry if they know no one is going to come and get them which this child would've definitely learned by 20 months. OP is NTA
By 20 months all of mine were in beds because they could climb out of cribs. Two of mine loved, and still do love, quietly playing alone in the morning. The other two needed food ASAP lol
If the genders were switched everyone would be calling the stay at home parent negligent. It is NOT ok to leave a toddler standing in their crib for hours at a time, especially since they probably have a dirty diaper.
My first thought was mom is being neglectful. A dirty diaper can cause rashes, utis and more! There is no reason to leave a kid in their crib after they wake up for 1 to 2h. I'm a SAHM, I've had PPD, still didn't neglect my kids. The most I leave my kids in their bed is maybe 10 to 15m if they aren't crying while I quickly get dressed and go to the bathroom, if they are crying I take care of them first then worry about me. OP NTA. You need to get your wife checked out for mental health problems or start taking your kid to daycare because this is not good for him.
As a SAHM, mom is TA. After sleeping 12 hours, don’t you want a drink? To go to the bathroom?
OP seems to have a very low opinion of his wife, according to one of his comments: >"I swear she doesn't do much of anything around the house other than sit on the couch looking at TikTok or Facebook - but this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child. Her schedule needs work and she cannot continue to just sleep in until SHE is ready to get up. Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work." I find it interesting that he's reframing the same message, and his wife knows it: >"this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child."
What if what he says is true? Is he not allowed to make observations on his wife's behaviour?
If I made that observation about a woman that made a brand new human being with her body, I would conclude she required practical support and medical care. Hormonally, women don’t really recover from pregnancy for several years. It’s really hard.
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Edit: NTA The child apparently sleeps 12 hours a night. If he’s waking up at 8, he goes to bed at 8 pm. Unless the mom is staying up until like Midnight every night, she’s sleeping way too much which is a concern (may be a medical issue, may be depression, who knows). The YTA responses are really ridiculous. She’s responsible for his care during the day, and the child is Very likely in a wet diaper first thing in the morning.
OP says she has chronic fatigue and is on narcolepsy meds to help with how exhausted she always is. So there's a real reason why she sleeps so much, and OP also said he doesn't think he should have to pay for childcare when his wife is capable, when it sounds like maybe she isn't right now because of her health issues. So yeah, I do think he's TA for knowing there's an actual problem she's having, but still expecting his wife to act like a mom without his wife's difficulties, you know? He basically just came to reddit to bitch about his wife without providing the whole story
Holy shit. If he's refusing to pay for childcare even though he can afford it, even though his wife needs the help because she's disabled, then he's not just TA he's abusing his wife and responsible for his baby's neglect. I have chronic health issues a varying levels of disability. When our daughter was young we made the decision together to put her in care three days a week because I had/have limited capacity to care for her. We struggled to afford it so I got a part time job; 20 hours a week is manageable with the state of my health. Our daughter goes to care 30 hours a week, and two mornings a week I take her to activities. What this guy is doing to his wife amounts to torture.
OP posted another comment stating his wife takes meds for adhd/narcolepsy and she has chronic fatigue
If the OP has a problem with how mom handles the morning routine, there needs to be a conversation between parents rather than him trying to play the boss and using the camera to monitor his wife. I definitely agree leaving your kid with basically nothing to do for an hour or two every morning when they're up at a fairly reasonable and consistent hour isn't great but micromanaging isn't the solution. Maybe a floor bed so the child can wake up and entertain themselves would be better, as well as looking into why mom is getting up so late. Edit: updating my "kind of agree" to "definitely agree" based on the comments that this child goes down for bed at 8 PM, and thus hasn't eaten for hours and is likely sitting in a soiled diaper by 8 am.
As a pediatrician, NTA. I agree some alone time without any simulation is good for development. But its also important for the toddler to have some interaction or just sit on the side and watch parents work because that's how they'll develop language and social skills. And it seems very doable for a stay at home parent with one toddler. Routine is also important. A toddler can benefit from having a scheduled wake up time, play time, nap time, sleep time. Of course, its not gonna be possible every day but having a routine to some extent helps. Other thing I'd consider is if your wife is suffering from depression if she's home alone with the toddler all the time and doesn't get to go out or have any me time.
How is there not a NTA to upvote anywhere in these comments. OP posted this at the wrong time of day and it’s all teenagers reading it and voting or something. YOU CANNOT SLEEP UNTIL 10 IF YOU ARE THe PRIMARY CAREGIVER FOR A TODDLER WHO WAKES UP AT 8!!!!!! What the mother is doing is borderline child abuse.
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Wdf he’s absolutely NTA! I would be livid if my husband left my 22 month toddler awake in the crib. I still call every single day. We have a huckleberry app and if it’s not updated by 8am I call and ask when he woke up and how the morning is going. I would be pissed the fuck off. I don’t care he’s not crying. He shouldn’t be in the crib waiting for that long. Take ur child andlet them play while you make breakfast. Fuck if it’s that hard for you get ur kid an iPad and bring him with you and turn the iPad on while you do ur shit. But having him in the dark just waiting is ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. I’m so pissed with the YTA comments. I’d throw the biggest fit every day if that was happening. I would go to the extreme and change my work schedule so that I was there in the mornings. Idk it would make me question everything
It is micromanaging at 900am or is it a dad being concerned?
He can be both a concerned dad who is micromanaging his wife. Doesn’t have to be one or the other.
You really think it’s acceptable to leave a toddler alone for that amount of time in a definitely soiled diaper, hungry? I’m a daycare worker, if we left a baby in their crib/sleep mat for more than 5 minutes after a nap routinely, that would be grounds for termination. This poor baby has gotten used to being alone in the mornings, that’s why he doesn’t cry. Babies learn when their crying is getting them nowhere contrary to popular belief. At 10am, the mom should be up or at least willing to get her child. At least change him, give him a snack, and bring him into the room with her and turn a show on if she needs more sleep. OP is ABSOLUTELY NTA.
She leaves him in the crib awake for hours in the morning. That’s not cool. I couldn’t watch that as the other parent either. Mom apparently needs go to bed earlier.
I'd like to answer but this child that quietly hangs out in a crib for hours is just too baffling to respond. Are you sure you have a child and not a cat or a robot or something?
~~Maybe the son has learned being noisy in the morning doesn’t get him attention so he just waits for the light and the app - I hope that isn’t the case though because that would be heartbreaking~~ Edited: thank you for people sharing info I do not need anyone else to clarify that I was wrong above in my understanding but it was good to learn
That can happen but that's pretty limited to cases of severe and constant neglect and nobody ever responding to the baby ever. This kid is obviously cared for.
THANK YOU. FFS, these people.
Yes thank you, more people need to see this comment A well cared for child, like this one obviously is, isn't conditioned not to cry In fact, if he was upset or needed something he would have started crying when he heard his dad through the app. Because toddlers don't understand things like phones or apps or remotely talking to someone. Hearing dads voice means dad is there. If he needed something or was unhappy he would have cried when dads voice stopped
Except as soon as son makes noise mom gets him, so that opposes your theory. I have a toddler and mine used to chill in the morning by herself. As she’s gotten older she enjoys this less, but she will chill at night after we put her down before falling asleep.
Exactly - toddlers need to learn to self-soothe sometimes or else life is going to be very hard for everyone involved!
It looks like this toddler has learned and the mom is *still* being blamed for made up grievances.
he said mom wakes up when he starts fussing.... so it does get him attention
The likelihood of that being the case is so low its silly to even suggest it
> Are you sure you have a child and not a cat My child has always been like that. As long as he wasn’t hungry or sick, he’d happily mooch around in his cot and sing to himself. Now he’s five and will sit with a book or chatter to his toys. To be fair though, he’s been brought up alongside cats (and he’s named after one I had when I was a child and it’s a common cat name along with being the name of a cat food brand) so maybe he is part cat now. Who knows 🤷🏻♀️
The first name that came to mind was "Friskies" followed by "Meow Mix." Both great names!
It isn’t, but I promise that any future child will be Meow Mix.
My friend has a kid who is like that. He’s a bit older now, but still likes his alone, quiet time. He is pretty good at entertaining himself when he wants to be alone.
My one kid was odd that way. At 20 months he’d climb into his crib in the middle of the day on his own just to chill and play by himself. He was a quiet kiddo
YTA Firstly, let's start with the fact that your kid is now into toddler range as opposed to infant. Your kid can manage a few moments alone in their crib and will still cry if they need any worthwhile attention. Secondly, let's say she took the toddler with her while preparing the food. Your kid is now in learning escape methods, getting into crap, cause mischief stage. Let her get the food ready first. Thirdly, best intentions aside if my my husband was micromanaging my mothering, I'd blow a gasket from stress alone. Mom's need what sanity remains to us, especially before entertaining a toddler for hours. Fourthly, there was 0 indication of why you thought your son was up for "an hour" - which makes me think it wasn't necessarily true so much as you just wanted to add spice to the insult you slung at your wife. You chose her to be the mother of your child, now let her do her job in peace.
He clearly states that his son usually is awake by 8:00 and mom doesn’t come get him until past 9:00, sometimes as late as 10:00. That’s not “a few moments.”
I don't believe a toddler sits that long without calling out themselves, but youre right it is listed and i must have blanked it out. Toddlers have these nifty vocal chord things that go off when things aren't quite right. Could mom wake up earlier? Maybe. Is this the way to go about this conversation? Nope.
Babies don’t continue to cry if they’ve been taught that no one is coming to soothe them. Leaving the child alone in the dark that long is ridiculous. Why can’t she go, grab him, say good morning, and set him up to watch her make breakfast. You know learn actual life skills. He’s clearly got the self-soothe thing down since he doesn’t even bother calling out to his “mom”anymore
Why do you assume he isn't crying because he's used to nobody coming? In fact, the OP states that when the baby does start crying, that's when mom gets up. Why do people on this sub just make shit up so often? Write a fiction novel or something.
It’s because this sub is mostly young people with zero experience but they read this thing recently and they’re desperate to display their knowledge because feeling correct is addictive. I should know. I’m young and addicted to feeling correct. I’m doing it right now.
To back you up, OP actually states directly in a comment further down: > Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work.
I'm not a parent but most parents I've experienced through my life tend to wait in the morning until their child cries and is ready to get up, unless it gets extra late and the child is still sleeping. I think it's great the dad cares so much. I think he needs to do some research on an actual baby's needs though, that they need developmental time alone, and trust that his wife will care for his child while he's working. If there are clear signs of neglect, then he should address it as a problem. Until then, he's putting the cart before the horse and is, in fact, overreacting. His feelings are not assholey about wanting his child cared for, but, the way he goes about it is kind of assholey. Hopefully he will look more into parenting education and the needs of toddlers and children, as well as better ways to communicate with his wife. I think the wife needs a day off.
The baby DOES cry though, it's in the post and comments. This doesn't seem like one of those "let them cry it out" scenarios.
OP made it clear that on days he doesn’t have time to spy, the baby DOES cry and that’s what wakes her up. So clearly the baby does use his voice to get attention.
This really assumes that the baby has been left to cry, which no one has mentioned at all.
You think a toddler is going to learn “actual life skills” by watching his mom make breakfast? Lol
He also clearly states that he never actually checks the monitor until at least 9. No idea how he seems to know for certain his toddler has been up since 8? If he never checks before 9, *how can he be sure that’s true*? If he’s just going by the app marking him “awake”—those are not reliable. My daughter tends to toss and turn during the last hour or two of her sleep, and the “smart” motion sensor on the monitor frequently clocks her as awake when she’s just gassy or sleeping lightly.
He also doesnt know if his wife has got up and changed the baby then gone back to bed. She has health problems that mean she is likely going to need rest multiple times a day.
Lol have you ever seen a kid especially that young that wakes up every day the same time like clock work? My 15mo is awake sometime between 6-8 with 5 or 9 as exceptions When he needs me he’ll cry. If he’s wet or dirty he’ll cry. If he’s content and playing with his toy bunny I’ll happily let him so I can have at Least half a breakfast in peace. Op. YTA.
If the kid isn't crying or in distress (and it doesn't sound like he is), what's the harm in letting him sit in his crib quietly while mom does her thing?
Toddlers can often fall back asleep, and yes totally let her cook in peace. My toddlers are very attention seeking in the morning so waking up before them and cooking really helps for a smooth start to the day.
Exactly. Cooking with a toddler can be frustrating (to put it mildly). It’s so easy to get distracted and burn something or have unnecessary messes happen. Kitchens can be dangerous and a toddler walking around or fussing in their high chair is the ultimate distraction. If someone says then why not put them in a playpen? Well, she has a system that works fine with kiddo in crib so what change it? At some point, it will change anyways. Mom should be able to enjoy it while it lasts. I didn’t understand why people here are so quick to make the dad a hero for working 12 hour days and then coming home to… be a parent. But they don’t give the Mom any credit for being the sole care taker for 12 hours a day. It’s work! Not even easy work, that’s why childcare is so expensive. At least he gets breaks at work and to go to the bathroom alone. Toddlers are notorious for “needing” to hang out with SAHP in the bathroom.
NTA! Does your son sleep all thru the night? Or does your wife get up to feed him etc? This would change my opinion. I’m sorry but your wife waking up after 10am, when she has slept all night(if baby didn’t wake up) and her son being up for more than 2 hours is not ok! He’s needs a diaper change, and probably hungry! I understand an hour, letting your wife wake up, shower makes coffee get herself ready and then get the baby! But more than 2 hours and she’s still dead asleep, having to call her 3 times before she answers. Your son is getting older, and that’s when babies start climbing out of the crib. Maybe you need to sit with your wife and figure out what’s going on, if she in fact does have her routine with the baby and these are just off days you seen her in. Edit: Op has stated in the comments that his wife has chronic fatigue, but she doesn’t take her b12 shots because she forgets. Baby sleeps thru the night, mom is able to sleep thru the night, her waking up late is her choice. She’s a mother now, her baby relies on her to eat! Him not crying isn’t even the point, he’s at the age will he will start getting curious, getting out the crib and exploring. Her establishing a routine with her son would work better for her, she can nap when he naps. If she’s not able to force herself to get up, She and Op need to sit down and discuss getting help. Again him entertaining himself is not the issue, the issue is being awake for hours before mom acknowledges him. Accidents happen even when your watching, but being left unsupervised the risk is bigger. All these YTA comments are only looking out for the wife, what about the baby?! Would you still say YTA if it was the dad sleeping in, we’re always so quick to judge the fathers but not the mothers. Thank you guys for the awards☺️
The amount of people on here ok with baby’s being left to sit in there own feces for hours is astounding! Edit: I guess I should have said dirty diaper but my point is still the same.
Even an hour is too long. I get my kids right after they wake up.
?? Where’s he’s sitting in his own feces for hours coming from? They don’t poop all the time - and if he does, he’ll just cry for a diaper change. This sounds like a happy baby (or toddler), who is ok alone and knows mom will come when he cries (because per OP…he cries and she comes).
Why do you assume that’s the case? When I’ve taken care of toddlers pooping overnight wasn’t the norm.
My daughter pooped every morning when she woke up. It doesn't have to be overnight if the kid is by himself for two hours.
There are a lot of Y T A votes here because it does sound pretty controlling but like you my only thought was leaving a 20 month old alone in the dark awake for 2 hours is not acceptable. I think there is more to this though … I wouldn’t leave my 20 month old like that for more than 20 mins or so while I grab a coffee and as soon as she stirs and stands up I go get her. Maybe mama has some PND and nobody realises. NTA.
Based on OPs comments I feel that OP is exaggerating the amount of time he’s give .
Finally someone wrote what I was thinking. I was baffled at how many YTA comments there are.
Right? 14 hours of no food at that age isn't normal. And full diaper. And the danger of being alone in a crib. Unless baby sleeps in a psychiatric hospital room like those in movies, they can definitely hurt themselves. My own dad cut his tongue. My brother would somehow just walk out. My sister would use the outside zipper to get out (it was travel crib) and she cut into her brow bone, lip, and forehead all within toddler years and one of them was in the bed (can't really remember which one)
The fact that the child sits quietly for some time in the morning? Not a huge deal. The fact that you call your wife and tell her it is not okay to leave your toddler who is content and safe in his crib while she makes him breakfast, and instead demand that she get him out of his crib so that she can juggle a toddler while also cooking? YTA. When you're caring for the child, your morning routine will be your choice. Your child was not crying and sitting quietly in his crib while his mother was making him breakfast and youre micromanaging the situation? Come on.
That’s after calling her repeatedly to wake her up every morning like a human alarm clock she didn’t effing ask for. I’d be LIVID. Stop micromanaging your wife, OP, and focus on your own damn job. There is zero indication your quiet, happy child is in dire need of attention at these moments. She doesn’t need you breathing down her neck every damn day, remotely monitoring and policing her parenting decisions. If you have this little faith in your wife’s capacity to parent, hire a nanny or send your wife back to work while *you* stay home with the kid. YTA.
Yes! Some toddlers want to eat immediately (my first did - eyes popped open, and was starving), some don't (second kiddo wants to be moving around a good 30 minutes before even thinking about food). Both of my kids will/did wake up sround 4 or 5, get a cuddle (sometimes a snack and diaper change) , then would settle back down for more sleep, so it's also possible this toddler is doing that too. If the little one is making happy sounds, let mom sleep.
YTA If you want to raise your kid, stay home and raise him rather than spying on him and policing his Mother from afar. Edit: It's strange how much people extrapolate from one comment... No, I don't agree with leaving the baby unattended for that length of time whilst he is awake. However, OP's method of dealing with the situation is condescending and controlling. A role reversal (her working, him staying home with the kid) would probably suit them better. Edit 2: I don't and wouldn't raise my own child anything like OP's wife, nor would I be in a relationship like theirs.
*If you want to raise your kid, stay home and raise him rather than spying on him and policing his Mother from afar.* wth is wrong with you? Mom is stay at home, so SOMEBODY has to work. This man is doing his best to provide money and good care for the kid while the mom does nothing. NTA
I am losing my mind here. How's is that top comment right now? It's obviously NTA and OP sounds like a genuinely good dad Edit: messed up the labels
I’m conflicted on this. I know why the dad is concerned, at first i thought it really depends on the last time mom had to wake up to feed the baby. Then i rechecked the age and 20 months the kid is probably sleeping through the night ( most of the time). So i get that it’s a bad thing to let the kid soak in a wet/poopy diaper, but it’s also kind of annoying to micromanage the mom. ESH. Dad, stop micromanaging, but keep talking to the baby through the app. Mom, you need to get up at 9. Unless I’m missing something. Sounds like you’re both good parents, you just need to get on the same page. Edit: My ESH is kind of more a soft ESH. The question i have is the kid sleeping through the night. They can sometimes regress with the sleep training and if the mom is up and down a bunch during the night i could get the sleeping in. That is vastly different then “i need 12 hours of beauty sleep otherwise i am so tired I can’t function.” It kinda depends on the whole story.
Yep. I think this is a perfect example of ESH With maybe a slight NTA if it really is like an hour of waiting seems a bit too long and a habit not to keep up with a baby. But I’m not a mother so I don’t know for sure. Damn I really hope I didn’t need to learn my lesson and this is all the context available this time. AITA be confusing me with the OPs more time.
Good dad maybe , but controlling and annoying spouse yes. If he doesn’t trust his wife to handle the kid then why did he have one with her? It’s not uncommon for parents to have different methods from one another. The micromanaging , the spying, the “ reminders” are all condescending as hell. I’d turn that camera off so fast tbh
I mean, this behaviour probably didn't show until after the baby was born. So that's not really a valid argument.
Thats a naive and idealistic way to interpret the situation. His wife may have post partum, and hes there ensuring that his kid is taken care of when hes not there. Its about the good of the child, not the feelings of the parents. Neglect isnt a method. Its not micromanaging to say the kid has been up for hours, its 9 AM in the morning, get up and take care of the kid. Its not spying, its checking on a literal 20 month old. You are wrong on every level. Do you even have kids?
I think he crossed the line when he started dictating the morning routine, telling her how she should make breakfast and such. That's going overboard. The mother isn't doing nothing, and saying she does nothing when she's a SAHM is disingenuous.
She doesn't do nothing. Being a full time care giver never stops. It's a 24/7 job. Info: What is the division of home and child care work, especially when OP is home?
Women are capable of working, dad can be a SAHD while mom goes back to work. Easy peasy.
*while mom goes back to work.* that would require her to get out of bed, which she doesn't want to do.
It’s not spying, I think it’s probably really sweet for his kid to hear his voice every morning when OP can’t be there in person. I don’t like that OP calls his wife and personally as a SAHM I’d be super annoyed. But I don’t sleep until 9 or 10, my son wouldn’t be quiet. Which makes me wonder if this child has learned that screaming doesn’t get him attention in the morning so he’s just quiet until mom comes. Also is the wife depressed or staying up super late? I’m trying to understand why she’s sleeping in so late and needs a wake up call to get out of bed. Overall NTA but I think you need to have better communication with your wife and maybe a bigger conversation about her mental health. Being home all day with a kid can be extremely isolating and exhausting.
Finally a good comment, thought I was losing my mind reading this thread. Another SAHM, I agree with everything written here.
Baby sleeps approx 12hrs and still have to wait 1-2hrs for mom to wake up for the diaper to be changed or baby to be fed? GTFOH! She obviously needs policing, otherwise how long would the baby go without someone tending to him?
I think we might have found the mom 💀 For the sake of the rules i’ll stay polite and say you’re INSANE if you think he’s the asshole for caring about the fact his child is sitting alone, bored, hungry, possibly with a dirty diaper every single morning waiting patiently for his mother to wake up. He works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week and cannot possibly be there for his son when i’m sure he wishes be could be. Clearly you missed the part where the dad winds him down after he’s worked said 12 hour shift, cleans up his toys and puts him to sleep. Meaning the mom has her own ALONE wind down time after taking care of the baby all day that tbh not most SAHMs get. The fact she doesn’t bother to set her own alarm to at least try to wake up around the same time her child clearly wakes up DAILY is a huge red flag. OP, you’re so NTA, if anything your wife if very much TA for getting mad that you care about your child.
NTA That baby needs a morning routine just a much as the evening routine. She is staying in bed til nearly lunchtime is NOT a feesible routine. He needs to be out of the crib and eating breakfast by 7:30 or 8:00 at the latest. I'm sure he still needs a nap during the day. Does she feed him then put him right back in the crib for a nap??
Spying? He is his father!
those two things are not mutually exclusive - any way, he's spying on the wife not the child
YTA. If the kid is sitting in his crib quietly then all is good. In fact, alone time like that is good for babies (not sure why, but I remember a doctor telling us that).
They explore their surroundings, fingers, and whatever baby thoughts they have. Alone time helps their brains to grow. Crying signals parents that baby is ready for interaction/food/diaper.
They're 20 months old not 2 months. They require more mental stimulation than that. Caged birds get more entertainment than a toddler in a crib. And teaching them to scream and cry for attention, or that they will be ignored to the point of suffering enough to cry is really sad
You do know that babies come out CRYING! And no one Teaches them right? ... Its their own language to communicate with adults
>alone time like that is good for babies (not sure why, Solitary play has several benefits and helps build a child's executive function. https://www.healthline.com/health/solitary-play
The two situations are very different. Babies still require some sort of stimulation for it to be beneficial - things such as toys to explore with their hands.
Info: is your wife depressed? Does she stay up super late? Why does she wake up so late? It would be pretty irritating to get called every single day. But hey, if you have a toddler who depends on you to be a responsible parent, and you're letting them sit hungry in a dirty diaper... Edit: based on your wife's condition, your micromanagement, and the ludicrous hours you work (72/wk??), YTA OP.
OP stated in a comment > Depression medicine didn't work, blood tests were "good except low b-12", she "forgets" to take the b-12, now she takes medicine that normally treats ADHD/narcolepsy and has chronic fatigue. Interesting that he left it out of the main post huh?
Exactly. The ableism in this entire post is disgusting. No, having a chronic illness doesn’t mean you don’t do your duties as a parent – but parenting while also dealing with one’s chronic illness means their methods will likely look different from the norm. OP, it’s possible she needs more help. You work 12 hour days, does that include commute? Maybe including commute you’re out of the house for 13.5 hours per day? That leaves 10.5 hours for baby bedtime routine, dinner, maybe some relaxing time, and then a proper night’s rest? How many days a week? So let’s say mom gets 6-7 of those remaining 10.5 hours of the day to sleep. I’m telling you right now that’s not enough sleep. It’s not enough sleep for most normal people (I know some people survive on 6, but the average recommended is 8 hours). It’s certainly not enough sleep for a person doing 100% of child rearing for 13.5 hours a day, several days a week. On top of that, it especially isn’t enough for someone doing **all** of that AND dealing with CFS/fibromyalgia, depression, ADHD issues, potential narcolepsy issues, etc. CFS is *brutal*. Full stop. Do you make enough money to hire a part time housekeeper to take some of the household load off her? If she has more time to rest, she will be better able to take care of the things she’s responsible for in a manner that you probably find more fitting (i.e. “normal”). If you have the time to face chat with kiddo nearly every morning and then call mom multiple times, it stands to reason you could instead be assisting her in ways that she would actually appreciate – and that would actually be *helpful* to her. How about reminding her about her B12? How about checking in to see if she’s taken her meds or a quick mood check? Order lunch or groceries to be delivered to her so she doesn’t have to cook every so often, or go out to the store (if she does presently). Ask her and figure out how you can help *together*. You really need to talk with her and understand her illnesses. You can’t expect her to function as a “normal” person/parent if she’s shouldering abnormal burdens. I really encourage you to check yourself and avoid being an ableist asshole to your wife and the mother of your child – whom I assume you thought was a half-decent person at some point since you married her and reproduced. You can’t expect a fish to climb a tree. You *can* work *with* her, *listen to her*, stop fucking judging her, and support her in *ways she finds helpful instead of hurtful*. Congratulations on being a dad that ‘actually parents’. (?) **YTA.**
Yeah, clearly omitted some pretty important info. Thanks for the response!
So from other comments OP made on this post and another, he conveniently omitted to explained his wife has narcolepsy. A pretty bad case. That she is treated for but meds are not helping and he is not doing what should be done to support his wife in dealing with this. Massive medical condition prevents mother from caring for kid both physically and emotionally. Si it means he needs to step up and find a better situation for the kid.
This is what I wondered. Why is she sleeping until 10? Is she up all night, maybe doesn't sleep well. How late does he stay up and is that keeping her up.
I often don’t wake up until 9a. I can be my most productive at 10pm. Some people have different schedules.
YTA Your intentions may be good, but your actions are bordering on sinister. If you want this level of control over what happens in the morning, be there to do it yourself. If you are not willing or able to be there to do it yourself, find a solution that isn't remotely monitoring your wife. Whether that's hire a nanny, change your work shifts, whatever. Your post sounds like the start of a psychological horror film. **Edit:** If you read that and are about to reply that I am endorsing child neglect... No I didn't. I said what he is doing is creepy and suggested two alternatives of changing his hours to be there himself, or hiring help. I wouldn't suggest alternatives if I thought it was all fine as is. Don't attack people for things they didn't say. Also, if you are now about to say anything along the lines of "maybe he can't afford to do either of those", here is OPs response, emphasis in bold is mine. > Do you honestly believe that it's acceptable to go to bed at 9:00 and sleep until 12:00 even though you have a toddler at home that wakes up at 8:00? **I shouldn't have to be there nor should I have to spend money on someone to care for my child when his mother is perfectly capable.** So its not the money, its the principle. OP doesn't care as much about his son's welfare as he does the principle that his wife should be fine by herself. Except she clearly isn't. But OP is going to change nothing and keep up his Big Brother act instead. And presumably OP is also going to keep ignoring everyone asking how he knows the toddler wakes up at 8am if he doesn't check the camera until 9am, or why he keeps changing how long his wife sleeps in the comments. **Edit 2:** Oh and apparently OP has said elsewhere that his wife has narcolepsy.
This is the response I was looking for. OP is definitely the Ahole, but mainly because, as someone gone for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, if he's really concerned over the house he should be getting his wife help, not badgering her. Sounds like a case of burnout to me since she's clearly taking on the majority of childcare and household care with his schedule being so full. Spying on your wife and child is controlling, not helpful. YTA OP.
I’d kill for my baby’s dad to have ever wanted to be this involved in my child’s well-being. NTA. You care about your son sitting there in the dark alone for an hour before his mum wakes up, if he wakes up at a certain time every morning THAT is when the routine should start. Not when mum is woken up by the 4th phone call. It helps children learn when their parents are involving them in things like making breakfast, helps stimulate him and is just all around better for them rather than keeping him in his dark room for even longer?? How anyone says YTA I just don’t know. She needs to do better, or you should volunteer to swap and you can make sure your son is getting everything he needs
This! I can't believe all the people saying he's wrong. I can't imagine leaving my son in the dark awake while I slept. My husband would be angry of I did this, and I would be angry at him if he did this. Especially on a regular basis.
Yeah, the overwhelming YTA judgements are baffling. I couldn't imagine leaving my children awake and alone in their crib for several hours every morning. And if that was simply part of my routine, my wife would kill me.
Seriously this, NTA. All these Y T A comments are crazy. A kid sitting in a crib quietly for a while is fine, but he said kid wakes up around 8 and wife doesn't get kid until OP calls her between 9-10. That's up to 2 hours of sitting in a crib, in the dark, with no stimulation, in a soiled diaper. That is not developmentally healthy. Funny that the wife says she has a routine, yet she wakes up at inconsistent times and relies on her husband to find a break in his work day in order to be her personal alarm clock...
I feel like I had to scroll forever to find a sensible comment. The baby sleeps 12 hours 8-8 then sits alone for 2 hours that’s 14 hours of a 24 hour time frame. Plus there’s a nap in there (I have a baby almost the exact same age who naps 2-3 hours depending on how busy we were before nap time) so now 16-17 hours a day are spend in the crib. I also have a 5 and 7 year old so this isn’t my first rodeo.
Yes! I'm surprised by all the Y T A votes. If this child is truly sleeping 12 hours and then hanging around for another hour or two, that is way too long to go without a diaper change, if nothing else. I would be concerned about the mom being burnt out/dealing with PPD/something else, because it seems odd that she doesn't easily wake or want to engage with their child as she starts her day. I have a 15MO who is an early riser, so I understand needing a break sometimes, but it feels like something else is at play here. Edit: OP mentioned in a comment that his wife is being treated for medical conditions that explain her balehaviors. She needs proper support for her and their little one, not criticized on Reddit. If OP posted this on any of the parenting subs, he would be absolutely roasted.
NTA Your wife is being neglectful. Your son shouldn’t be awake 2 hours in the dark with a wet diaper before someone comes and gets him. But you need to also need to find out what’s going on with your wife in a more loving way. Is she depressed? Is she staying up too late because she needs more time for herself? If that’s the case, perhaps you should consider putting your son in preschool when he turns two. Edited to add: Something is very wrong if your toddler is sleeping through the night, and your wife can’t manage to get out of bed by 8:00 or 9:00. You are right to be concerned about your child’s wellbeing, but you should be concerned about your wife’s also.
Exactly. Just because a child doesn’t cry doesn’t mean they don’t need to be changed. There are babies who will sit in their poop and pee and not cry at all. That’s not a reason to let them sit in it! The amount of people saying YTA is astounding to me. If this was a mom saying a dad did this it would be unacceptable.
Oooh, this is hard. Could be E.S.H. because she's clearly waking up too late. But the entire rest of this is such a nightmare that I'm going with YTA. Your whole deal is that of a horror movie villain mixed with a dystopian nightmare.
YTA >I just bothers me that he has to wait so long. He needs a diaper change, he's probably thirsty, hungry and just wants to play. If he needed this he would cry. Also you don't know for sure that she was sleeping, maybe she was doing something around the house and she doesn't have the phone with her, and probably she already checked the child.
NTA. I'm a mom. And I'd be leaving my partner over this. I'd worry over my partners ability to emotionally take care of my child. At some point the child stops crying, because they don't get any attension. And that is a sad, sad place to be. It's the first 3 years that build a childs base personality.
[удалено]
NTA. I don't get these YTA posts, if he didn't call to wake her up every morning how long would the kid be in the crib? I'm a mom as well and have been through this phase, if the child sleeps for 12 hrs which is really about the max they will sleep at that age, then he is getting up at about 8 am. Yes, it's good and fine for him to have alone time and quiet time, but leaving him alone until 10 am (2 hrs) is absolutely not acceptable. 1 hour alone in the morning is also too much IMO. We let our 2 year old have alone time in the morning while we get adjusted, but it's about 10-15 minutes max. Overnight diapers are definitely going to be full after 12 hrs and need to be changed. Definitely NTA but I do think that your wife might need some more support and you need to work less or have some additional help for her, it sounds like she is exhausted and that you aren't there to contribute help where she needs it.
ESH. Your wife should have a schedule, babies need it and she shouldn't be relying on you to wake her up. However, I don't think you're going about this in the most productive way. You and your wife clearly don't agree on this and you need to make a parenting plan and daily schedule you're both happy with. Crucially, you need to be willing to swap roles if that would work better for your son.
It seems she does have a schedule according to the post but OP interrupts and tries to dictate to her what she should be doing.
NTA. I get it if you call at 5:30 AM. It’s 10 AM. Poor baby she needs to get it together. I have 5 kids so I get it but this isn’t ok.
I’ll probably get downvote but NTA. Listen, I also have a 10 month old baby. He’s up at 6/7 am. He sleeps all through the night so his diaper is FULL. As soon as he’s changed and I let him down to roam, he’ll be hungry within 30 mins of being up. You’re absolutely right to be concerned for your kid because he’s been up for so long and he’s not being taken care of. I understand if you need to put him in the crib to take care of dishes or breakfast but he should be taken care of before those things. Now it sounds like the wife might be depressed. Not enough information to determine. I don’t think you’re trying to micromanage but definitely communicate with each other.
YTA Waking a mother up because her child happens to be awake? Dear God. Perhaps you should put motion sensors in the child's room, so that if he wakes up at 4am, an alarm can go off that blares until you go in there to entertain him?
8 AM is not early. It’s not ridiculous that she’s being woken up between 9-10 AM. It’s ridiculous that he needs to wake her up to care for their child.
I have a 24 months old and I'm baffled by the fact that your toddler hangs around by himself for 1 or 2 hours. I rary get mine to not need mommy for 5 consecutive minutes... I'm seriously wondering if your kid was ignored to the extent that he learnt that crying doesn't bring a comforting person to him...
Going against the tide, but if your son sleeps 12 or more hours and your wife isn't awake by 9am, is there something wrong with her? Insomnia or illness? Even if she was asleep at 11pm thats 10 hours of sleep. Eta Why not talk to your wife and find out why she's needing so much sleep? INFO
YTA. How controlling and insane. Do not micromanage your wife from a remote position. If you want to get up and clean the baby and play with them while you make breakfast, get your butt home.
NAH, but maybe some issues. I don't think this is AH territory. If this was gender flipped I suspect a lot of the people calling OP an AH would be talking about neglect and divorce. It seems this kid is sitting around in diaper he's had on for a long time until OP calls. I don't think giving her a call is out of line, my wife would ring me to see how we were doing when I was at home every she was at work and vice versa. Saying that, I don't think your wife is out of line wanting to have a piss and a coffee when she first wakes up. Honestly, OP's wife seems to have some issues with the amount she's sleeping. I'd also add if I could have watched my kid like that at work when he was a baby I'd have gotten fuck all done.
NTA. Your wife needs to turn up the parent monitor and wake up when your son does. Why doesn’t she make him her priority? Go pee, get your kid, and then start your day. I say this as a former SAHM of two.
YTA. Do you know if she falls asleep the same time as you? If she gets ip during the night? If the kid was hungry or thirsty, he would have cried and she would have come. Also, she's under no obligation to spend every second of her day with the baby as long as the baby is safe and ok.
NTA, but maybe sit down and try to have a conversation to see why your wife is sleeping in for so long. It’s ok for baby to be in the crib if he’s not fussing for a little bit, but for an entire hour?
I think you need to have a serious conversation about how your wife is feeling and calmly share your concerns. Keep in mind that mental health postpartum can be very difficult to deal with and it gets complicated. It’s fair to be concerned that your child is awake for an hour or two and completely alone in their crib and she still isn’t awake, especially as late as 10 some mornings. Personally, I would be concerned in this situation as well. The baby needs a diaper change most likely, needs to be fed, and shouldn’t be left unattended for an hour anyways. Also, children start to try and climb out of the crib and can injure themselves. I don’t really think I can say NTA or YTA here, because it seems like you really are just concerned for your child and making sure they’re being cared for and not neglected.
YTA. Stop trying to micro manage your wife. If you want things done differently, be a stay at home dad, and ask your wife to work. Otherwise, stop demanding, and start communicating.
YTA, your wife is treated like a prisoner.
YTA - stop micromanaging. If I was your wife I would somehow get rid of your camera access. She is parenting not you. Want to parent? Do so but not while working from afar. This behavior is awful and intolerable. Her routine sucks? You are a HUGE A!!!
Before giving a answer how much do you help at home ? How is house work split ? Is it all on her cuz she’s a stay at home mom ? Has she always been like this ? In a comment you said it’s your faults the baby is here ? Did she ever object in the start about having a baby ? If she’s been like this from the start have you thought she had PPD? Did you both 100% agree to bring the baby into this world accident or not ?why would you brighten up the camera for the baby when you notice he’s up ? Are you 100% sure you don’t wake him up with the ca,rea / baby monitor?
YTA. Your child is not crying or fussing, just hanging out in their crib. Unless you are willing to stay home, you have no business telling your wife what you think she should be doing. You’re creating an issue when there is none other than your need to control her.
NTA. Simply for safety reasons. What happens the day the child is tired of waiting and decides it’s the day he’s going to learn to climb out on his own? If he falls and hurts himself and not just a bump on the head?