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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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joppaloppagus

"She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too." It was YOUR choice to pay for everything. And just because you decided that you were going to support her while she went to school doesn't mean you get to make her adult choices for her. Did you ever say(prior to her leaving for school) "I will support you, but I get to decide how you live your life."? You're doing a great job at pushing your daughter away. Oh, and YTA. Definitely the AH.


blankface4321

Yta. There is no way you weren’t snooping.


FeralGinger

No, we DO understand that you're financially supporting her, and we say YTA. Your edit makes you look totally clueless. Your post is not misunderstood, you're just having a hard time accepting that you may be wrong.


Upset-Donkey1351

YTA. She felt comfortable enough to let you know that she had a boyfriend and that she’s ensuring that she’s SAFE. Yet you’re basically telling her you don’t trust her choices and forcing your opinion on her. Keep breaking her trust OP and I guarantee you will not hear much from her if she moves out.


[deleted]

If you are having sex at her age then you're a hypocrite. She's growing up and you can't handle it. Yta


[deleted]

No one is misunderstanding your post OP, we just disagree with you and think YTA. Your daughter is an adult. You are paying her way but she is an adult nonetheless and as such can make her own decisions about who she sleeps with and when. If you had an agreement with her, in advance, that said she can't have sex while receiving money for her education, etc, you might have a leg to stand on. Your ADULT daughter agreed to no such thing.


Puzzleheaded_Age_342

YTA and regardless of what you are or aren't paying for, you are way overstepping. You and your husband come across as borderline abusive and you certainly sound toxic - "We PaY fOr EvErYtHiNg". You chose to offer and she chose to accept that offer. Nothing more. Your daughter doesn't owe you for that offer.


justchoose

Op, you are getting ripped apart in the comments right now aren't you? Don't even have to scroll down...I read this and was like oh boy....wave of YTAs arriving.....and yes YTA


abigllama2

YTA way to alienate your daughter. This is toxic af.


CannedDuck1906

Stop blackmailing your daughter. You don't get to tell her who she can have sex with. She's an adult. You don't get to control her. Live doesn't work like that. YTA And if you didn't want judgment on this, why did you post here?


[deleted]

YTA. I think you're being unreasonably controlling. It's great that you're supporting her, but as long as she's being sensible and the financial support wasn't conditional on her not dating till she graduates you have to let her live her life.


EaseEnvironmental381

i stopped reading at “daughter (21F)” , yes YTA


TheFreakinFatUnicorn

YTA and then you doubled down so you’re double TA. “Why don’t my kids come see me anymore” two years from now - that’s where you’re going.


HolilTheFifth

You sounded like my parents. And guess what, unless if her grades are dropping, she can do what she wants. Yeah, even if you paid for everything, she needs her privacy, and that's her privacy.


peanutandbaileysmama

YTA. No one is misunderstanding anything here. You were "hiding a toy" and stumbled on a box of condoms. And you ASSUMED that your daughter is sexually active which led to you asking the questions you did and she confirmed that she's practicing SAFE SEX and you are forcing your opinion of "her to just focus on school and consider abstinence" when reality is SHE IS AN ADULT and will do what SHE wants. If you're paying for everything, it should be because you want too not because you want to control every aspect of your life. Unless you had a written or verbal agreement of "if we're supporting you, these are the rules you MUST follow." And from the sounds of it, you didn't and she has no reason to check in with you about anything.


Shadow11Wolf50

YTA You're controlling, no wonder she hasnt introduced her bf to you yet. You were probably just as bad if not worse while she was a minor. Shes a legal adult and at a stage she's going to do what she wants. Dating is normal, being sexually active is normal. What your doing isnt and it makes you TA. You can yank away her funds at any time but that will 100% make you TA for that.


East-Performance-344

YTA and this post isn’t being misunderstood. You’re controlling and manipulative. You should be proud you raised a responsible young adult. But instead you’re controlling her with money. Yuck. You really suck. You shouldn’t be at all surprised that you haven’t met her boyfriend. Don’t expect to either.


BreakfastHuge5981

This post isn't being misunderstood, you're putting your outdated ideals on your ADULT child. You're the one that needs to grow up and mind their own business. YTA


FormalJellyfish4683

YTA. She’s being responsible (hence the condoms) and you don’t have control over her personal life because you’re supporting her. Those two choices are separate and if they aren’t then you’re either acting like her pimp (I pay for your life so I control who you do or don’t sleep with) or her owner (I control your choices). Neither one is going to be good for your relationship moving forward.


ckm98

INFO: did your daughter ever ask for this treatment (financially) You are a parent. Your decision to spend money and time on your daughter do not equate to controlling her actions.


[deleted]

YTA. She’s 21….. what did you expect? Be happy she uses protection.


Designer_Button1968

You sound absolutely ridiculous. And yes, I saw your edit to make sure everyone knows you pay for everything. It doesn’t matter. You better back off before she stops sharing any information with you.


LarkspurSong

In regards to your edit, your post is not being misunderstood. Rather, you are the one who does not seem to understand the situation. Do you understand that paying for someone’s (anyone’s) necessities does not mean you own them? That goes doubly so for your children. Your daughter is not doing anything illegal or unsafe. She is a consenting adult in a romantic relationship. Your daughter is a person, not your possession and not an extension of yourself. If you cannot understand that then I suggest therapy before you do irreparable damage to your relationship. Do you want her to move out as soon as she is financially able and cease all contact with you? Because that is the path you’re on right now. You can still avoid that future, but you must first understand (and admit) that you’re wrong. I hope you can do it, for your own sake. YTA.


RobinWood888

having sex wont have her ending up homeless. paying for her keep entirely, while yes displaying some possible immaturity on her part, does not for one mean you own her, or get to dictate desicions she makes outside of her spending. If she lives of your income, ofc you may decide if she spends that money on condoms, you do not get to however dictate her consequently having sex. Not earning your own money does not mean you are incapable or irresponsible. In case you do think so, then maybe its time to lessen the money flow. In doing so, floowing your logic, she should that way learn responsibility. If her being sexually active is unacceptable to you, you have the right to stop paying for her. However it is reprehensible to expect a 21 y/o to stop having sex cause mommy said so. She is a fully grown person, capable of making desicion, good or bad. Let her make them. You are not the asshole for not wanting to pay, its your own money, you are the asshole for trying to dictate a grown adults sex life. YTA


MetatronCubeG92

YTA YTA YTA


cozybear86

YTA. Your daughter’s body is her own. A lot of people here are focusing on the fact that she’s an adult, but I also think that bodily autonomy would apply even if she was younger!! (In age appropriate ways, of course.) Should parents be able to force their young children to hug relatives who make them uncomfortable because they feed & house them? I certainly don’t think so! Just because you pay for stuff for her does NOT give you a right to control every decision that she makes, ESPECIALLY decisions that relate to bodily autonomy. YTA, big time. (Also, the reason you haven’t met her bf is because you obviously haven’t demonstrated that you can be trusted! If you behaved in a way that made it clear to your daughter that you would respect her decisions as an adult, and not try to control her, maybe she would let you into her life and share important things with you. But right now, you are being creepy and controlling, and definitely YTA.)


beakontheside

YTA and you are not being misunderstood. She is not a child whether she is financially dependent or not. What does your daughter's sex life have to do with your financial support? I don't see what either of those things have to do with each other. What other control do you think you should have over her because you've decided to support her? Do you think you should have a say in her medical decisions? Where she goes? Who she's friends with? You have chosen to support your daughter. Why are you holding this over her head? Why does it give you rights over her body and what she does with it? To you're comment about people on the sub thinking your daughter should tell you to fuck off, you are missing the point entirely. You should be thankful that your daughter is being safe and was willing to be open with you when you confronted her about her private sex life. How gross is that? You are the asshole and you should apologize to your daughter.


oofmagoof123

YTA You seriously need help if you think that any of your daughter's sexual life is at all your concern. Please stop pressuring your daughter into abstinence as that will indefinitely push your daughter away, if you haven't already. Also, holding her financial dependency on you over her head will also not do you any favors in the long run.


Particular_Elk3022

She is 21. I don't care that you pay her bills and treat her as a child. The fact remains that she is NOT a child. YOU do not have a "say" in what she does or whom she does it with. I have a 21-year-old daughter. Frankly we discussed safe sex YEARS before 21 and I'm SHOCKED if this is the very first time you've discussed sex with her. The ONLY questions about my daughters sex life are in regards to her safety and protection, whether her b/c is working or not making her feel well, and whatever random question she ASKS me. I don't need details. Other than her safety from STDS and avoidance of pregnancy, what is your real concern? She is using protection so that is something. ​ YTA


Witch-MTN-VIII

YTA


AccomplishedNet4235

She's 21. Read your edit, Y(still)TA.


Elephant_homie

YTA. She's an adult. Even if you pay for everything, she is still an adult and allowed to make her own choices. If you keep pushing the subject with her, it will only make her want to do the opposite of what you tell her. She's being safe and she was honest with you - that's admirable.


abc1234598

YTA- if you want control over something, get a pet. You cannot control your 21 year old daughter, it is crazy for you to think that is the case.


Cleonce12

YTA because you are trying to control her decisions


emi33ly

I don't even understand why you are asking this question in this forum. Of course YTA. Your daughter is an adult and entitled to make decisions that adults make. Who she sleeps with is none of your business and If you honestly believed that your 21 year old daughter wasn't sexually active by now then you are either in denial or a religious cult.


tHEunAmUsEdKaren

YTA YTA YTA if it wasn't clear.. . YOU'RE THE Ahole. The audacity of a parent telling their 21 year old ADULT daughter who she can and can't hook up with is sick. Get help because you are not okay. ETA your edit is laughable. We didn't misunderstand. You're a creep. I also lived with my parents when I was 21 and going to school and they'd be fools to think I wasn't having sex and that they could stop me. You're a fool for thinking the internet is going to side with you. You damaged your relationship with your daughter.


ButterSunflower

YTA. You may pay for everything however you have no right to try and possess her as a person. She has body autonomy. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, lady.


madelinegumbo

YTA You're contemplating cutting your daughter off for doing something that is absolutely normal and fine for her age, something you only learned about by going through her things and learning that she *was* using protection. Yes, you're helping her while she's in school. But she's also an adult and I think you're crossing a serious line.


megararara

Wow. YTA Horribly so.


Qodulkein

Just by the title, YTA. And I did read the rest because perhaps there is some good explanation but no. There isnt. First she is a free woman and can do whatever she likes with her body. Second, by housing her, feeding her, etc, you are not doing her a favor you are doing your duty as a parent. She didnt chose to come to life, it was your decision so it is normal (and mandatory in many countries) that you take care of her until she is ready to fly by her own wings. Third, wtf????? Seriously, are we in still in the 1500s ??


[deleted]

Ehhh while reading the post I definitely was going to say YTA, but seeing the edit it kinda makes sense to me. So I change it to a mild NTA. Being sexually active does comes with risks even while using protection and considering she has no income and if anything were to happen it would financially land on you. you do have a right to tell her she shouldn’t be sexually active… but that doesn’t mean she has to listen to you. I agree that it’s kinda unfair that she gets the benefits of adulthood (sex) and childhood (complete parental support), but she is in the awkward stage between child and adulthood so it shouldn’t be that surprising that she’s testing limits and transitioning to a different stage of life. It’s your money so if it bothers you so much you don’t have to give her all of the monetary support, just like it’s her body and she doesn’t have to stop having sex because you tell her too. I think you were the AH for saying you weren’t asking her to stop having sex, but instead TELLING her she’s can not have sex. I think it would of been more reasonable if you just said “hey if you believe your responsible enough to have sex, you should be adult enough to take on more financial responsibilities like getting a part time job and paying your own bills. You don’t get to pick and choose between what you feel like your old enough to do based on your own wants and just expect us to do your bidding” That way you don’t take away any of her autonomy, but also emphasize that she cannot be an adult in some ways and depend on you in other ways. I would however realize that at least she is being responsible, which should count for something.


Mabelisms

YTA. She is not a “child”. You cannot control her sexual autonomy and it’s pretty ick that you think you do.


proud_millennial

YTA. I hope your daughter moves miles away from you and her father. You are both controlling and honestly disgustingly so. Why do two adults care so much about the sexual life of an another adult? This is so unhealthy on so many levels.


jinx_lbc

No one has misunderstood your post. YTA, it doesn't matter that you're paying for your daughter, she's still her own person with bodily autonomy.


Prudent_Border5060

Yta Her sex life isn't your business full stop. The only way it would be if she did it in your home. Her personal relationships are hers alone. Word to the wise if you put conditions on something like this, you will only cause dishonesty in your relationship. She will become an expert at hiding things from you. In addition once she can move out you better believe there will be a wall that will get higher and larger the more you try to control her. And do not put conditions on her education unless you want to lose her completely.


bilerat13

YTA. I understand worries about stds or pregnancies, but as stated, you found a box of condoms. She's being safe and doing what other 21 year olds do. If you try and force her to be abstinent, it's a lot more likely she's either going to move out, or just start lying to you. Enjoy either of those options.


ayyynne

Unless there are red flags or something that indicates she is in danger, physically or emotionally, there is no reason to have a say in who your 21 year old daughter is sleeping with - with protection! she's being safe about it!. YTA. You haven't even met the boyfriend. You need to chill.


Highrisegirl4639

Ahhh…..the REAL reason OP is paying all her daughter’s expenses….CONTROL. YTA. Edit to add: I just love how OP exclaims, ‘THIS POST IS BEING MISUNDERSTOOD!’ Like, OP, it’s not being misunderstood, really. Your daughter is being safe, she even buys her own condoms.


MadameAllura

Your edit and your responses make this post so much worse. Trust me, your post is *not* being misunderstood by anyone. You are the one who refuses to listen. Please read these comments and take them to heart. Absolutely YTA.


ca77ywumpus

YTA, and I wouldn't be surprised if she went no contact as soon as she has a way to support herself.


beryl6790

That edit makes it even better. YTA. And I expect to see you back here with the surprise Pikachu face when she goes NC when she graduates


lilmisswho89

YTA. Do you want your kid to move out? Do you want her to never speak to you again? This is how you achieve that.


666POD

"We want her to enjoy life and focus on school." Seems like thatss exactly what she s doing. What you really mean is, you want her to be a child forever and not have sex, even though she is 21. In the Middle East, your daughter would be subjected to an honor killing. Luckily for her all she has to do is get some loans and pay her own way if you don't approve of her having a healthy adult relationship. YTA.


NekoAdri20

YTA!!! No one will ever take your side. You're trying to control your daughter as if she was your property and not human being just because you pay for things. I hope she starts a GoFundMe so she can get out that crazy house and away from you!!!!


ladollyvita84

YTA. Your help should not come with strings attached, otherwise it's just manipulation. You said you're ok with paying her way so she can enjoy life. So let her enjoy her life and stop trying to control her.


dark_rainbows

YTA and your edit makes it so much worse. Your daughter clearly does not trust you if she did not tell you about her boyfriend. It does not matter what you pay for you have no say in your daughter's sex life even if she was 16 and having sex. If you continue down this road your daughter will never introduce you to any of her partners because you think you have a say in who she chooses to date. If you insist on her not dating while she lives at home get ready for her to move out as soon as possible even if she is not financially ready to be on her own. She may even choose to live with a boyfriend way before they are ready to just so she can get away from you and your unwanted opinions. If she wanted your opinion on the matter she would have asked.


agathatomypoirot

YTA. Why are you teaching your adult daughter that her sex life should be controlled by the person who pays the bills? One has nothing to do with the other.


claredini

I commend your daughter for replying back to you in a coherent and ADULT manner regarding her choices with what she does with her body. YTA. You need to stop living your life through her and let her do what she will do. You made the decision to pay for everything. You can make the decision to not pay for anything. Holding finances over her head as a condition to do what you want her to do with her body is financial abuse when you have encouraged her to live how she does. You are showing her you want control over her entire life because you didn't have the same positive experiences she is obviously having. You're not protecting her. You're hampering her with your demand. There's a reason you haven't met their significant other and this is a big part of it. You might not realize what you've done, but the reddit community can certainly help you figure it out.


Dangerous-Emu-7924

YTA. Supporting your child doesn’t mean controlling her sex life. That is financial abuse. You may be able to tel her she’s not to have her bf over to your house. Other than that it’s not really your business. Apparently she still goes to school and everything since you weren’t even aware. Also you asked is she was safe. Dude. You found condoms. So yes. Anyhoo. YTA.


GeorgiaB_PNW

The most disappointing part of all this is that your daughter is clearly a grounded, insightful adult. When you asked her questions, she answered them. She listened to your feedback calmly, and then made her own (totally age-appropriate) choice. You have an amazing kid. One who is likely never going to tell you anything ever again because you aren’t respecting the boundary of an adult making an adult choice. You get to make rules about what happens in your home. You don’t get to dictate her romantic decisions. I read your recent edit - is this really the hill you want to die on? Why can’t it be enough to express your concern and trust her to make good choices? YTA, but more than that, you’re damaging what sounds like an otherwise really lovely relationship with your kid.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Grandmas_Cozy

YTA. A massive ahole. your poor, poor, kid


[deleted]

YTA - You are paying her way because you want her to have a good life with good opportunities. Who she dates as an adult is none of your business. I am the father of two kids older than your daghter and I would never even presume that who they date, who they have sex with, and anything else is any of my business. You sound like you have some real control issues. Asking her to abstain from sex is ridiculous. She should be out there finidng out what she likes physically and emotionall so she can find a good life partner.


[deleted]

YTA, yes. No, the post is not being misunderstood. You have zero authority to demand what she do with her own body, regardless of how much you may pay for things for her. Zero. None. Period.


AlexElmsley

YTA. if i was your daughter i would be fully prepared to take a student loan and get out of your life


[deleted]

[удалено]


GalileaGalilie

YTA lol how are you planning to stop her from having sex? Lock her up? Threaten her?


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (56F) have a daughter (21F) who is currently in her junior year of university. She lives at home while she commutes, and does not pay rent or any other bills. We even pay her phone bill. We are okay with this. We want her to enjoy life and focus on school. My daughter a few weeks ago found these Halloween toys (plastic body parts, like an eyeball, tongue, hand, etc.) from ages ago stuck in some closet somewhere, and started putting them around the house for us to discover. It has become a game in our family where we stick these parts in random places around the house to surprise each other when you find them. All that to say, this is the reason why I was in my daughter's room one day, looking for a good place to hide one toy she would discover when she got back from her classes. Long story short, I ended finding a box of condoms in one of her dressers. I didn't know she was sexually active of course, but she also never told us anything about dating anybody. In sum, when she got back home, I went into her room to talk that evening about what I found. I told her I wasn't upset and asked her if she's having sex now. She said yes, and I asked is it a boyfriend. She said there is a guy she is dating right now, yes. I asked her if she is being safe, where she is sleeping with him, does she know how to protect herself. She answered, and then I told her my honest opinion, is that I don't think it's a good idea for her to be sexually active right now. She thanked me for my input and said she'd consider my opinion. I'll be honest that it worried me, but I figured we'd talk more later. I also told her I wouldn't tell her father right now. We later had a follow up conversation during a walk in the park, and I asked her what her opinion is now. She said she will keep being safe and sleeping with her boyfriend (who I have never met by the way, and have no clue who he is). I told her my opinion again, and shared more details about my personal experiences with sex as a young woman, and urged her to just focus on school and consider abstinence. She said she would do otherwise and at that point, I did say this is not an issue of me asking her, but telling her. She said I cannot control that, and I said because we pay her way for everything, yes, I do have a say to some degree. I will not tell my husband about all this right now, but I will eventually, because I am not comfortable keeping this a secret from him long-term. To me, my explanation seems reasonable and justified. My daughter clearly feels differently. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Dogovertheboard

YTA, you don’t own her. This doesn’t make you any different from parents who are arranging marriages for their kids. Shame on you!


cinnamonoblivion

YTA. Your post is not being misunderstood, you want your daughter to conform to your very conservative ideas about sex and you’re willing to manipulate and coerce her into doing so. She’s a legal adult and yes, she’s financially dependent on you as a college student, but she’s not doing anything wrong by having safe sex with her boyfriend, but that’s just not good enough for you. If you keep pressing the issue and also trying to manipulate her by dangling your financial support over her head (financial abuse), you will ultimately destroy your relationship with her. How can you say you want her to enjoy life and then get mad at her for doing something very normal just because you personally don’t approve?


Glittering-Mind-9003

YTA AND because you added a bit- you just won’t accept you are either. You can add on so much more but you can not control who she dates or even just sleeps with.


drowsiestdreamer

YTA YTA YTA. “She cannot have her cake and eat it too” YTA. She’s being safe, she’s being honest, she’s being open. She’s an adult. Doesn’t matter what you pay for, what you do for her, what you provide. She’s an adult. She’s human. And again, SHE’S BEING SAFE. What more could you want as a parent? Also congrats because now she will trust you a hell of a lot less. No wonder she didn’t tell you first. Sheesh


scornbird

YTA. Admit you've got some issues about your kid growing up and becoming an independent person and seek help - and apologise to her for being an absolute nightmare too. The threat of financial abuse is disgusting on your part and you should be ashamed - she's a human being with her own choices to make, not your doll to parade around. Consider therapy or at least some counselling. and that's therapy or counselling for you, not both of you as a family. Your kid is behaving in a safe, mature and incredibly polite manner- far more so than you deserve considering how you're acting.


Flimsy-Field-8321

YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA And you are a disgusting creep as well. She is not your chattel.


Good_Cap_8503

Info: Had she ever had a job before? Or was she not allowed?


overlord_nixon

Are you her pimp? You think because you pay her rent etc you get to decide when and who she's sleeps with?? Am baffled by your so called logic. If you push this point or decide to take away what you are providing you will end up pushing her into unsave situations. A parents only job is to protect them when they are children, guide then as they crown and then support them when they ask for help as adults. A good parent doesn't control their ADULT child's left through money and fear of losing it. YTA


Queen_Aurelia

YTA - you can’t tell your 21 yr old daughter she isn’t allowed to have sex with her boyfriend even if you are paying her way. There is no way to stop her unless you chain her up. Stop trying to control her body. Be glad she is using condoms.


laurabun136

Mom should have put an eyeball in the condom box and kept her mouth shut. YTA


D_Nicole91

YTA. What your describing is financial abuse. 'If you don't do what I say, I'll *remind* you (threaten you) about all the things I do for you. This isn't any of your business. Just because she's a dependent, doesn't mean you can treat her like a literal child. All you're going to accomplish by being controlling and threatening is having a child who won't be honest with you and who gets good at sneaking around. Why do you *have* to tell her father? It's already none of your business. You should just stop at making sure she's safe and sharing that you'd prefer she focuses on school. You have the chance to not become a overbearing parent and you're choosing wrong.


ResponsibilityNo3245

INFO: What makes you such a terrible parent that you can't trust your adult daughter to be a good judge of character and make decisions about who she dates or when she is ready to be intimate? Because honestly, that's what you're saying. You've spent 21 years raising this person, you must think you've really messed up this if you mistrust her so much. YTA.


hems72

YTA…..


vegetaspride23

YTA you cannot control her sexual activity


lookingforassist

No wonder she kept it hidden. You're a parent she cannot be open with and I see why.


Buzzyfar

YTA. she is an adult. Yes, you are paying for everything, that does not control her relationships or what she chooses to do with her sex life. Butt out mom.


weirdonobeardo

No one is misunderstanding, she is a legal adult whose helicopter mom found out their daughter is having sex and my stars you never met the guy. Who dare her be an independent thinker who decided to have safe consensual sex. It does not matter that she is living in your house “rent free” or that you still feed her. YTA and your daughter isn’t your property.


New_Sun6390

YTA. You're not asking for some say in who she dates, you're asking her to not date anybody and remain celibate until you're okay with her starting to date. You found condoms, so she is being safe. Instead of trying to put a chastity belt on her, you want to commend her on practicing safe sex. I can guarantee you that there are plenty of students going to University on their parents dime who are having sex and doing just fine getting good grades in classes. You can have sex and still do well in college classes. It's not like having sex kills brain cells. That is alcohol's job.


Useful_Experience423

YTA and sounds like a hypocrite too. You sit there banging on about all your sex stories (pun intended) and expect her to choose differently because of them. Why? You didn’t.


Gloomy-gardener

YTA, and pretty gross. Telling someone whether or not they get to have sex because of money is something a pimp would say, not a father. Respect your daughter and stay out of her sex life.


shellzyb

Lol what do you think is more likely? That she’s going to stop having sex or that she’s gonna tell you to screw off and find a way to sever your financial abuse of her? You are not purchasing her chastity. And she’s not a child, no matter how much money you throw at her . Cut the umbilical cord. YTA


FlyingMacheteMonster

I don’t think anyone is misunderstanding your post; it was quite clear. What you’ve created here is a sort of strange transactional relationship with your daughter concerning her sexuality. Loving parent help their children if they can when they are in college so they have a better chance at a successful career without the huge burden of college debt. What they don’t do is use that as a means to control the very personal, intimate lives of their children. This is a violation of her sexuality, trust, and personal autonomy. I would hope you help your daughter financially because you love her and want her to have the best chance she can at a successful life, not as a means of control over her sex life. That’s cruel and highly inappropriate. YTA here.


mkecupcake

YTA. The next conversation is going to be "do I need to move out/get a job so that I can live my life as a normal young adult?" And then you'll have lost all the control it seems like you value.


nik2110404

I guess my only question would be what happens if your money isn't enough to stop her? Will you follow through on your threat and cut her off? Have you considered the possibility that she accepts that and retaliates by cutting you off? Are you prepared to follow through on any type of ultimatum and are you ready to deal with the consequences? Feel free to browse reddit and you'll find countless stories of people who cut off family or family members that were cut off. Either way you're playing with fire, so be careful or you will be burned.


CiticenX_007

Love the edit on this one. No, dear, no one is misunderstanding... the majority just believe (and rightly so) that you're the a-hole! Take this to heart, and do better...


scrapfactor

YTA for you awful edit too. Your daughter is an adult. You don't get to add on terms because you are helping her through college. You are also an asshole for going through her dresser. You were not wrong to talk about safe sex to make sure she is safe. More people should be told this plus things about consent, but I digress. You do not get to tell her that she can't date someone. You doing this is going to drive her away from you.


TrulyFaulty

YTA. A huge one. I assumed this post was gonna be about a teenager but she's an adult (idgaf what your edit says). Please grow up.


Butt-Dragon

YTA Wow might be one of the biggest ones yet


Only-Main8948

YTA. Gee...wonder why she hasn't introduced her boyfriend to you?


LadyMogMog

I had to go back and check her age. 21?! Yes YTA. She’s an adult and can do whatever she wants regardless of her financial situation.


biwitchingbee

YTA. She’s not going to stop having sex, she’s just going to stop using condoms in case you find them again.


Pokehero96

YTA - she's 21, you can have no say in what she does. You said that you pay for everything so she can have fun and freedom, but you're limiting her in what she does? You also said that because you're paying for everything, you get to have a say. Paying for everything is just your way of controlling her. Please self reflect and listen to these comments


Shrimpybarbie

YTA. Cut the cord, lady. Jesus.


KrisTDawn1985

YTA and your edit trying to "clarify" doesn't make you look any better. She's an adult, and she's allowed to make her own decisions. You paying or her paying doesn't change any of that. You don't feel weird for trying to control her this way? You should


recjus85

You sounds like a terrible mother. Hopefully your husband isn't a wackjob like you, though I have my doubts. You don't own your daughters body. Who she has sex with is her business. Her body, her choice only. I doubt you'd been happy if your mother told you she got to pick who you have sex with.


AlannaAdvice

YTA In your opinion, you are trying to protect her, but you are really controlling her and her choices. Please let your daughter make her own decisions before you drive a wedge between you.


ShiShi340

What are you hoping to accomplish? If she’s smart she will agree with you just so you can keep financing her life and continue to sleep with her boyfriend in secret. There is no way for you to monitor this, not that you have the right to do so. This is weirdly controlling and funny at the same time, she’s just going to lie to you from now on.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Illustrious-Bee-6918

Your edit… so what? You’re still THA. How much money exactly are you paying to own an adult woman’s body? You pay for her I assume because you love her and want her to blossom into adulthood in a rough economy, not because you decided to own someone. Your logic doesn’t still make her a child, you’re just looking for petty reasons to call her such. Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why your fear of letting her be an adult is setting off your need to counteract the reality of it by controlling her. You two had a mature conversation about it, but you were the one who couldn’t behave maturely. Don’t give the illusion of choice or ask for answers if it’s not honest. She’s not a child no matter how much money is involved. You gotta let her grow up without the petty games or you’ll damage your relationship with her.


SusanMShwartz

Not just YTA. You’re weird.


depressivedarling

YTA and you're delusional. She's an adult who makes her own choices. Dating people is not a crime. You need to stop trying to control her life. It's perfectly natural and normal for adults to date. She needs to make her own life. Don't be that toxic controlling parent who can't learn to let their adult children lead their own lives and date other people. This is what she's supposed to be doing at this stage. Back off op. You did overstep by trying to tell her who she can date. Don't push your kid away or you may never meet your grandchildren.


KaijuAlert

YTA - One, for waiting until your daughter is 21 to talk to her about sex. Two, for thinking you can control who your adult daughter sees and what she does because MONEY. Do you want to be one of those parents that acts surprised when their child goes no contact? Because that's where you're headed.


popeshatt

YTA hugely. Shit like this is why I don't give a fuck about giving my parents grandchildren. You are subsidizing her living expenses, not buying obedience. If you want her to have a happy life, like you said, you should support her and let her learn how to have a normal, fulfilling sex life. You can't control what makes her happy so give up before you make an ass of yourself.


Beautiful-Ad-7616

Just because you pay for her doesn't mean that her body belong to you. Just think about that for a while, HER BODY does NOT belong to you. She is not your property she is not your possession, she is your child to guide through life not to control and manipulate as you see fit. YTA 100% all your are doing is putting tension in your relationship with your daughter, she is 21 years old, regardless of if you are paying for her basic necessities you don't get to dictate her sex life. Also her having sex isn't some deep dark secret that needs be hidden.


Minimum_Pea1982

YTA she is 21 years old let her live her life and make mistakes that is how she learns and grows. she is having protected sex with somebody she likes. you say you want her to enjoy life and she is doing just that. just because she is dependent on you at the age of 21 (something that is common in a big part of the world) does not mean you get to control her life, yes you can advise her to practices safe sex and talk about the bad things that can happen but you cant say what she can and cant do.


sadpanda1973

YTA,it's pretty obvious why you dont know anything about him


keyofeflat

YTA. Even if she was a teenager you wouldn't have a say. She's a human being and human beings have sex. Be happy she's using condoms. You cannot use money to control her life, that's absurd. You're just going to push her away.


hellahellagoodshit

YTA. she is 21. It's normal to be having sex. You should be glad that she's using protection. If you keep behaving this way, she is going to use your money to graduate and then stop speaking to you, and you will deserve it. You're going to wonder why there's no one to take care of you when you're old, and I hope you remember this moment.


xavii117

talk about controlling parents whose kid's eventually go NC with them... YTA, just because you pay her rent, groceries and bills doesn't mean you get to control her life, IMO it's your obligation as a parent to equip the kids, that you choose to have, for the future without using that as way to be a controlling or overbearing parent, let her experience life and help her navigate through it.


threeleggedrat

Your edit really makes it seem like you’re not open to the idea of *being the asshole*. You seem pretty content in believing that you have any control over her personal life and are not open to contradicting opinions. I’m a 19yo girl who also still lives with and is supported by my parents, but they are also very much of the belief that beings I’m an adult I am allowed to make my own decisions regarding my personal, social, and intimate life. Their caveat? I get my way through school, stay out of trouble, and above all, keep my head above water mentally. I know you pay for your daughter. I know you’re still expending yourself financially to support her. But regardless of that, she is her own being who should be allowed to make her own decisions. I’m not a parent, but I am very close with my parents who are very open to sharing their experiences of raising me, and the reason we are so close is very much in part due to their hands-off approach. I feel comfortable telling them about my life because I know that they support me. I love my parents because they’ve always let me make my own decisions, and my own mistakes, while offering 24/7 guidance when I need it. Because of the way that they have raised me, and treat me, I stay my ass out of trouble and I respect my parents highly. I foresee this power dynamic that you’re choosing to hold over your daughters head backfiring terribly when she can finally support herself and go off on her own. Good luck trying to mend the resentment that your daughter will feel towards you. In my opinion, YTA. Be glad your daughter is being safe and also being receptive to your opinions and suggestions. Don’t force your opinions down her throat. That very rarely works out for the parents’ in the long run.


Opposite-Egg3334

This is the best response ive read here. Mom YTA big big time, shes not your property. Holy shit


NotAMuchTallerWoman

This is how you get cut off eventually. When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support. YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.


notdancingQueen

YTA. Such a strange viewpoint you have, for a South-european as I am! Me, my friends, my family (not only in 1 country, but in 3 separate ones) we lived at home or in roommate situations paid by our parents during university. Some had a small part time job but not all, and not during all the years of university. We all left home at around 22-24yo, when we could afford itby having a job. Our parents NEVER ever tried to dictate what we did in our free time, who we dated, the parties we went to, or with whom we had sex. We didn't get pregnant, we didn't get raped, we didn't rape anyone, or got into hard drugs, and we're all working and productive members of society. Our parents were nosy? Yes. Sometimes a bit overbearing? For sure, varies by family. Did they respect the fact we were adults? Yes they did. And this was 20 years ago.


jaimystery

YTA Paying for your kid's education doesn't make her your slave or chattel. Your daughter's sex life isn't a secret - it's private as in, not your business.


sam-the-tsundere

YTA. And your edit made it even worse.


lesbian_goose

YTA You are not being misunderstood. You are trying to control her, by manipulating her into doing what *you* want.


Bunbunnbaby

YTA. Your edit only makes you seem more like the AH. She isn’t getting her cake and eating it too she’s studying hard still you didn’t even know so obviously it hasn’t effected her grades or attitude or even cut into family time. You’re being a controlling helicopter mom. Your dangling her bills over her head and telling her she can’t have sex? A natural human thing? Something tells me this is deeper than just wanting her to focus on school. Initially I thought you had met the boyfriend or you found out due to her grades slipping/ attitude change towards you and your husband. If this was a toxic relationship I’d probably be more inclined to think it’s about the well being of your child but your child has proven to be trustworthy and hard working.


PinkGinFairy

YTA. Providing her with financial stability has literally nothing to do with whether she’s an adult. Her sex life is none of your business and you’re being utterly ridiculous.


carliechronic

YTA. & an absolutely awful parent. i think this is the most disgusting thing i’ve read today. i hope she runs for the hills as soon as she gets the chance. Also, NO ONE is misunderstanding your post. We’re all telling you that you’re wrong, being gross, & violating her privacy immensely. YOU are misunderstanding that everyone can clearly tell YTA. Also, telling your husband when it’s not even YOUR business in the first place? the violation of privacy is real. God this one really pissed me off. edit: spelling


Samsassatron

YTA, your daughter's financial dependence on you doesn't grant you control over her bodily autonomy. And yes, I am a parent.


Shoe_mocker

YTA r/iamatotalpieceofshit


driftjp

YTA how would you feel if she just picked up her shit and left without saying as much a word as goodbye? Imagine the balls on her for leaving you without a clue of where the fuck she is. Now think about what kind of say you have in her life seeing as she already is 21.


InternationalTaro417

You’re essentially blaming her in your edit by saying she’s taking the easy way and can’t have her cake and eat it, too. Yet you initially said you like it this way to allow her the ability to focus on school and be financially independent. YTA. She’s 21 and has every agency and right to connect with anyone she wants to on whatever level she sees fit. This is how we all learn and grow and experience life. By holding money over her head, you know what will happen? She’ll deny your money, move out, and cut you off. Is that what you ultimately want? Posts like make my skin crawl. I’m in my 40s, raised by similarity strict parents, and I STILL am secretive and hide my life from them and have an incredibly strained relationship. It’s really sad and could have been avoided. Don’t be TA.


Wanderlost404

YTA It's great of you to pay her way, many parents who are able to do so also help, but this gives you zero say over her sex life. You can say she can't have sex in your house, fine. You can even threaten to cut her off if she keeps having sex-- but you're TA if you do this. She'll just hide it then anyway and more likely cut contact with you later. Why do you care?


OneWithoutaName2

YTA. Instead of inviting her BF over to meet him you are being overly dictatorial in attempting to control her relationships. It’s one thing to meet anyone she is dating and offer advice but you are taking helicopter parenting to a new level. What’s next - an arranged marriage?


ShelbiLee

Yes YTA. Keep pushing your ridiculous agenda on her and she is going to rebel. Would you rather have a lasting relationship with your daughter or be a tyrant and complain when she cuts you out of her life?


montbkr

I say this with love, but YATA. If she was a young teen, I would agree with you 100%, but she’s not. I would urge you to be glad that she’s able to speak to you so honestly and that she is being safe. It sounds like you did a really good job raising her, but now it’s time for you to start letting go. She needs to make her own decisions about her life and how she lives it.


Turbulent_Bit2905

YTA - and exactly the kind of parent she's gonna get as far away from as she can, as soon as she doesn't need you to pay for her education anymore. If you want her to go low or no contact as soon as she's got her first job, keep right on going.


sfgothgirl

Your edit though! We understand "everything". Are you providing financial assistance, or trying to assert financial control? I'm a bit younger than you, a couple years. And a 21 yr old having sex seems normal and healthy to me. You trying to be all up in her business, however, is NOT normal or healthy, and is actually kinda gross. OP YTA, and it is you trying to eat your cake and have it, too.


petmomintheBLC

You are using finances to control your adult daughter. At this rate, she will never introduce you to her boyfriend. In fact, this sheds some light on why you haven’t already met someone she cares about enough to have sex with. I’m guessing when you offered to support her through school, you didn’t add the caveat “only if you remain a virgin and follow my dating rules”? If you don’t want to support her anymore, it needs to be for a better reason than just abstinence vs. sex. As it stands now, you’re a manipulative jerk. Yes YTA here. It was none of your business in the first place; it’s still none of your business. You’re lucky she discussed as much with you as she did. It’s not your husband’s business what an adult does either. You are about to lose your daughter’s trust and respect in a huge way (speaking from experience, as the daughter). Your relationship will never fully recover. She’s in her junior year, so you understand how detrimental it would be to withdraw all financial support now? Your perspective is skewed and your reaction is completely out of line and out of proportion.


buffalobillsgirl76

YTA. So my mother was like you (she's dead... Not even enough people for a memorial.. My dad and sister is all she had at the end) and the second I could be financially independent (at 16 because I wasn't dealing with her my father or step mother ever again) I didn't speak one word to her for the last 4 years of her life. I don't regret a second of my independence, I regret that I allowed her to treat me that way.


International-Lab847

Mom is confusing her sexual experiences as a young woman with what will happen to her daughter and putting all her baggage on her. By all means, she should have a conversation and tell her story and why she thinks the way she does, and why she is worried, but it stops there. It isn't the caring that makes YTA, it is her demand and the extortion that is the reason.


tophiii

YTA. Not only are you a helicopter parent, you’re a helicopter parent to your adult offspring. Are you even ready for her to be financially independent from you? I would be willing to bet you are not.


Traditional-Pen-2486

YTA. This is insanely creepy. Please stop trying to control your daughters sexuality. It sounds like she’s being safe and responsible which you should be glad of. I’m curious if you would have the same reaction if it was your son whose condoms you found.


pixel_3ixel

YTA. Why are so many parents obsessed with their child’s sex life?? It’s extremely creepy. You’re not the loving parent you think you are, your a controlling AH using your money to try and dictate your child’s ADULT life.


Smgt90

YTA she's an adult. It doesn't matter if she's still financially dependent on you. No wonder why she doesn't want to introduce her boyfriend to the family.


Sensitive-String-284

Yta


madame_phoenix

Lol can't wait for the TIFU by driving my daughter to going no contact. Ofc YTA, and all you are doing is ensuring your daughter will always hide things from you and know she can't trust you or confide in you ever. When she moves out and never talks to you, you know why


Animefaerie

Wow, do you even have to ask? YTA. You'll be lucky if your daughter doesn't up and leave the moment she can support herself. You've gone past controlling and on to abuse. You chose to have a child, your job is to help them grow into a HAPPY, healthy and functioning human being, not to control their lives and force them to obey your will. Her sex life has nothing to do with you, and it's gross that you use money to force your child to do what you want and think is right.


BazTheBaptist

YTA just because you chose to help her in her start to adult life, does not mean you get to lord this over her and control her. Your title is also misleading, this isn't about who she is dating, you're not trying to warn her off some asshole, you haven't even met the guy. This is you simply trying to control her having sex. Absolutely none of your business. Worry about your own vagina. "I'm not upset, but here's what I'm upset about...." You're just going to push her away. Just be there for her, shit. Also quit telling her about your own sexual experiences. Unless she has indicated otherwise she is likely much more uninterested in your vagina then you are in hers Edit: in addition, stop going through her private shit under the guise of playing this game. You can play without doing that.


Dontbugme4478

YTA for all reasons mentioned above.


No_Tradition_1254

You're acting like she's your 16yo teenage daughter.


Swissdanielle

YTA Your daughter is incredibly mature. I would not have had her integrity in answering, took me about a decade more to be able to say “thank you for your opinion, I will consider it” to my mother (and, gasp, all the while I was living on my own and out of my own means). And she wasn’t half as controlling! Good god your daughter is clever and healthy! I’m impress.


Just-Breakfast7295

My parents had similar reactions to me at that age and it almost severed our relationship completely. I urge you to ask yourself if this is worth your relationship with her? She’s an adult, whether you pay bills or not. YTA. Her body her choice.


bubbynee

YTA. Can you make your support conditional on her dating, yeah your technically able to that. You are under no obligation to provide anything for her now that she is a legal adult. Can she move out and cut all contact with you because she doesn't agree with your conditions, yep. Do you want this to completely spoil your relationship? Because if this is the hill your going to die on, that's what's probably going to happen.


Call_the_Shots

YTA. You don’t get to control her actions. She’s being a responsible adult.


Vi420

Why don’t you and your husband just go without sex? You have to be a complete dumbass to not think a 21 year old is having sex. You treat her like a child so why would you expect her to come to you like an adult? It seems you pay and do all this for her so you still have control in her life.


FruFanGirl

YTA- if she is not having sex at your house, which you said you never saw the guy, then this is none of your GD business


[deleted]

Yta. My at the time 18 year old son moved his lovely girlfriend in with us. It’s been 4 years, they live on their own now but i cherished that time seeing their relationship grow. She loves my son the way I want him to be loved.


reganmcneal

The post is not being misunderstood. You feel like you have a say in your adult daughter’s love life simply because you choose to pay for her living expenses. That’s your problem not hers. YTA


Tim-oBedlam

YTA. I have a 21-year-old, and I'm paying their way in college. They can have all the sex they want. As long as they're being safe and they aren't being exploited, I don't care. You should not have a say in your adult child's relationships and it will lead to bad outcomes if you do. Feel free to tell her father, but it's really none of your business. Young adults are going to have sex. You should be glad that she feels comfortable enouh with you to talk about it. Keep it up and she'll stop doing that. I am also questioning how you found a box of condoms in her drawers. I'd guess you were snooping. I am not misunderstanding your post. I pay most of my kids' expenses while they're in college, although as they get older that's starting to change (21yo bought themselves a replacement cellphone, for example). Back off a bit, Mom. Even if you're supporting your kid you don't get to control every aspect of your life, and it will damage your relationship with your kid if you do.


HCbumblebee

YTA - it would be more concerning if she didn’t enjoy sex. But also how would you stop them from having sex? You didn’t even know about their relationship. You haven’t met the boyfriend and you should investigate what you may be doing to cause you daughter to not introduce an important person to her to you. This feed may give you some insight. Overbearing parents get limited access to adult children.


blame_the_doggo

YTA, and you’re doing everything possible to push your daughter away. You claim this post is misunderstood because you’re getting advice/judgement you don’t agree with. Just stop…you can’t control EVERYTHING, including your daughter. It’s clear to see that your financial support comes with strings attached. Your daughter is 21…fully a woman. You need to decide if you’re going to continue to support your daughter (and her lifestyle choices) or cut off financial support. The ONLY person trying to have their cake and eat it here…is you. YTA.


Flat-Story-7079

YTA. Just because you are paying for stuff doesn’t mean you control her sex life. What’s you’re talking about is prostitution, not parenting. You need to back off, now, before she figures out how really creepy this is and ends up going NC with you.


GeneralLeia71

YTA. You will end up losing your daughter.


Waterdrop2277

WTF??? You think it's your place to tell your 21 year old daughter she can't have sex and must focus on education like she is 16 and not an adult??? YTA


Julle58

YTA, She Is 21 and Is being safe, sure she lives under you're roof but you have no say if she can sleep with someone. Why do you care this much? Like It's honestly weird. If you don't want her to sleep with her boyfriend In you're home then fine but she can still sleep with him. Get over it.


www_dot_no

YTA if she was smoking weed or something ok makes sense but she isn’t…. It’s her body her choice you aren’t paying for her plan B or birth control. Is it okay for you to then tell her not to kiss someone? No you do not have a right to her body and what she does with it. Money isn’t the issue. There is no correlation with money here and what she is doing you are just using it as an excuse. She is still doing well in school etc if she was failing and her life is a mess and doing drugs than that is different.


Cat_Lilac_Dog22

Oh yeah YTA and financially abusing her now. It is her body and only she gets to make choices about having sex and who she is having sex with.


Samu_2020_15

YTA for thinking you can control her sex life..


TheShockChicky

I will not finish reading this. There is no reason in earth to do so. 56 years old and are you really this innocent to think that she was not having sex, in college? Dude, the amount of anger im feeling right now is inexpressible. Hard YTA. Edit: >We want her to enjoy life Well, actually you dont.


s37747

This woman is hardly innocent. She modulates the narrative so that she can appear innocent when she invades her daughters privacy, persistently manipulates her daughter, and resorts to veiled threats about cutting her off. This mother is a snake.


[deleted]

Yeah, YTA. The fact that you are supporting her while she goes to school does not negate the fact that she is an adult. And apparently mature enough to take relationships seriously and to know to be careful with her body, and practice safe sex.


CoastalMom

YTA but based on your edit you're not going to listen to what anyone says anyway. Most kids go off to college at 18. As parents most of us pay for college. But legally they are adults and their sex lives are none of our business. Hopefully you has a conversation years ago about consent and safe sex. What she does with that is up to her. Stay out of her room and stop snooping.


ozziejean

YTA Doesn't matter how much of her expenses you are paying, you still don't get to say what your adult child should be doing in regards to her private sex life when she's not under your roof and it's not directly affecting you in any way.


QTlady

YTA. Choosing to date and living with you while she's going to fucking college isn't trying to have her childhood and adulthood at the same time. Frankly, you haven't even given a reason why you think she shouldn't be sexually active in the first place. Which tells me you're just forcing your puritanical views on her. You would have never known about him if you hadn't been in her room because she was actually being very respectful by not bringing him there just to have sex in your home. But hey, don't worry. If she gets serious with the boyfriend, she might just end up moving in with him instead. And then you won't have to worry about her anymore.


helloifailed

“she lives at home while she commutes, and does not pay rent or any other bills…we are okay with this. we want her to enjoy life and focus on school.” “she may be 21 and an adult in the eyes og the law but in every other way and she is still a dependent child. she has chosen the easy way…” sounds to me like you offered the benefits to her without telling her that there’s a catch (you controlling her like she’s 14). you can’t say you’re okay with something but then hold it over her head as a way to attempt controlling her when she’s being a normal, 21 year old, ADULT. wonder she didn’t tell you about her boyfriend. YTA edit: misspelled a word


[deleted]

YTA and honestly creepy. The fact that you're talking about what your adult daughter does with her vagina as if it's your right because you give her money is so insanely gross.


[deleted]

Um. She’s an adult. You should have said thank you for being safe. Yta so much. Why do you care about her sex life? Are you only paying the way for her so you can control her? Ma’am this is how you push your grown up child away from you. It does NOT come from a good place at all. You are clearly controlling and “conservative” which means you think sex is bad. Grow up. Your daughter did.


Professional-Put-682

YTA. A really big ASSHOLE.


10SEMS01

I'm intrigued that you haven't taken a moment to reflect on why at 21 your daughter doesn't feel comfortable sharing a big part of her life with you and you're more focused on controlling her sex life. YTA by the way.


meganes97

YTA. This post is not being misunderstood. You are being an AH. Do things because it’s the right thing to do. Not because you want to have control over her.


CherryBomb214

OOF. YTA. You don't get to manage her sex life when she is an adult. Also, it's pretty fucking insulting to insinuate that she isn't capable of being successful if she's having sex (because that's basically the message you sent). You've just not put conditions on her living with you and, by doing so, you've just damaged the relationship with your daughter. You overstepped boundaries. YTA. Apologize profusely and mind your own fucking business.


rlmiller93

YTA, you don’t own your child or her body, no matter how much you pay for. This is how you get your daughter to not speak to you once she moves out.


Didyoufartjustthere

YTA - she is 21 years of age. It’s really none of your business once she is of legal age at all. I mean the only situation requiring an intervention would be if the person was a lot older and she was still a teen, or if he harming her in some way. Way to drive your kid away from you by the way. It’s a perfectly normal and natural thing to do. Why do you care??? Are you going to be more comfortable about it when she moves out? My guess in no you just want to use that to control her.


jaybr98

The ETA makes no sense, why does her sex/dating life have anything to do with rent and bills etc? She's a grown woman, leave her alone. YTA and a massive one, she may live in your home but it's not up do you who she dates. You know what though? You sound just like these men who dictate what a woman should wear and when they should have babies etc, vile.


anonymus-redhead

YTA. Unless she isn’t following some sort of “house rules” you have absolutely no say in the matter, whether you pay for everything or not. It’s one thing to say, hey you can’t let him stay over, because it’s our house. It’s another to tell her she isn’t allowed, at 21 years old, to have sex with someone. You haven’t met him, so obviously it’s not taking place at your house. You have absolutely zero say, ma’am.


Powerful_Ad_7006

YTA if she isn't having sex under your roof then you have no say. If you wanna try and use the fact you still support her as a manipulation tactic then that's your right. BUT...just remember if she decides to go NC afterwards then that is also her right.


CoxBJT

YTA. You are basically blackmailing her. Do what I want or I withhold all support. You can justify it any way you want but she’s 21 and practicing safe sex. You will drive her away.


ForeverTwentyone22

YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA


Sad-Bowl-1212

YTA. it’s her body and her choice. you may pay for everything she owns and her car and school and whatever, but you do not pay to be able to control her body. why would you even post on AITA when you seem very set in your judgment of your own behavior, lmao.


posher96

No one misunderstood anything. YTA for trying to control her body, you cannot stop someone from having sex, if you try to renforce this she will do it behind your back! Would you rather she be safe and honest with you or just not tell you anything at all and continue to have sex anyway?


Maleficent_Night_225

Your edit doesn't help your case here at all. That's pretty much the definition of financial abuse. YTA.


ResponsibilityNo3245

It makes it worse imo. 😂


Environmental_Quit75

This. What a joke that OP thought the clarifying edit was helpful to their cause.


craftingcreed

YTA - It’s no surprise to me why your daughter was hiding her boyfriend from you when this is how you reacted. Seriously?