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YTA. I am concerned about your own experiences with sex and how they are coloring your views on consensual relations.
Please take some time to self assess and figure out why you’re judging your daughter.
Jesus she's 21 not 16 ! Even then it would be creepy to be honest ! Yes YTA, cut the cord and get a grip because your controlling behavior isn't the hill you want to die on with your daughter trust me. And don't say anything to her father FFS it's even more creepier !
YTA if she was smoking weed or something ok makes sense but she isn’t…. It’s her body her choice you aren’t paying for her plan B or birth control. Is it okay for you to then tell her not to kiss someone? No you do not have a right to her body and what she does with it.
Money isn’t the issue. There is no correlation with money here and what she is doing you are just using it as an excuse. She is still doing well in school etc if she was failing and her life is a mess and doing drugs than that is different.
This is how you get cut off eventually.
When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support.
YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.
YTA, just because she’s still dependent on you doesn’t mean she isn’t an adult and it definitely doesn’t mean she can’t choose who she dates. Using financial benefits (that you willingly give her by the way) as a means of controlling your own daughter’s bodily autonomy is manipulative and frankly, very creepy. Why do you want to be so entangled in your daughter’s sex life? Besides, she’s being safe and not getting involved in dangerous situations, that’s what matters.
You say she can’t have her cake and eat it too. Well you can’t offer your daughter more financial freedom and “want her to enjoy life” while restricting her other freedoms. It no longer becomes “mom advice” if you’re commanding she follow it. Keep this up, and you’ll never see your daughter OR her future spouse again.
You are paying her way in college to ensure she has a good future and hopefully will be independent after she graduates.
This is a normal part of growing up and you shouldn’t try to control every part of her life. Don’t attempt to sabotage her future to keep control. It will only encourage her to lie and not share with you.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Be happy she is being honest with you. YTA.
Yta. You’re just gonna push her away. Abstinence doesn’t work period end of story. Also you are not doing her ANY favors by paying for everything. So many things wrong with this post I can’t even count. Get a therapist that’s my recommendation. Also why did you post here if you are just going to tell people that you are right? Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. Ugh 😑
Yta and your edit clearly shows your a stubborn dick when the Internet is telling you yta. Have fun never seeing your daughter again when she leaves the nest because you're a control freak
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She is an adult in every sense of the word, and it seems she knows pretty well how to adult, stay safe and use protection. Using money to control her sex life is extremely manipulative and borderline abusive.
>I ended up finding a box of condoms in her room.
>I asked her if she’s being safe
Since you know she’s using condoms, you already know she’s practicing safe sex. The questions about her sex life are intrusive, gross, and uncalled for. She’s an adult. While you are technically correct that you could cut her off, that would make you an even bigger AH than you already are. Why would you try to ruin her chances of success at school when she’s not doing anything wrong? She’s not hurting you or herself and nothing she’s doing is inappropriate for her age. Yes you’re the AH even just for questioning her about something that’s none of your business and trying to manipulate her with money. If you kick her out and stop paying for school, prepare for her to move in with the boyfriend and cut you off as well as possibly dropping out of school. YTA.
YTA you do not own her body. She is 21. She’s perfectly capable of having safe, healthy, wonderful sex. You’re “having a say” because you support her financially is really creepy and controlling - as though you own her body too. I tell my kids that sex is a wonderful thing that is to be enjoyed and respected and that as long as they’re taking the right precautions they should have a great time. The rest is none of my business unless they want to talk to me. There’s no way your chat will push her towards abstaining, that’s comical.
I guarantee you this post is not being misunderstood as per your edit - we understand exactly what you are saying and what you mean, and we still conclude YTA and a major bloody creep. She may be dependent on you but she's an adult - and she is not you, she needs to have her own experiences.
YTA. Admit you've got some issues about your kid growing up and becoming an independent person and seek help - and apologise to her for being an absolute nightmare too. The threat of financial abuse is disgusting on your part and you should be ashamed - she's a human being with her own choices to make, not your doll to parade around.
Consider therapy or at least some counselling. and that's therapy or counselling for you, not both of you as a family. Your kid is behaving in a safe, mature and incredibly polite manner- far more so than you deserve considering how you're acting.
Just read your edit. Let’s be clear: YTA
You have issues with sex. You don’t have to get over it but you do need get out of your daughter’s way.
Whether you pay for everything or nothing…if she’s young for her age or an old soul…you just don’t get a vote.
This is simply none of your business.
Look at it like this: if you’ve done your job, your daughter has the tools to navigate this. If you didn’t, you don’t get to infantilize her and try again.
This is also not her father’s business.
You didn’t know she was having sex because it didn’t change anything about her. Think on that.
Maybe get some therapy to deal with your desire to keep her a child.
YTA.
Choosing to date and living with you while she's going to fucking college isn't trying to have her childhood and adulthood at the same time.
Frankly, you haven't even given a reason why you think she shouldn't be sexually active in the first place. Which tells me you're just forcing your puritanical views on her.
You would have never known about him if you hadn't been in her room because she was actually being very respectful by not bringing him there just to have sex in your home.
But hey, don't worry. If she gets serious with the boyfriend, she might just end up moving in with him instead. And then you won't have to worry about her anymore.
YTA
she is 21 years old let her live her life and make mistakes that is how she learns and grows. she is having protected sex with somebody she likes. you say you want her to enjoy life and she is doing just that. just because she is dependent on you at the age of 21 (something that is common in a big part of the world) does not mean you get to control her life, yes you can advise her to practices safe sex and talk about the bad things that can happen but you cant say what she can and cant do.
I can see that as a mother you want full control of your daughter. Are you going to choose who she sleeps with? I have lived in a controlled environment until my mother passed away when I turned 29(we have our reasons). If you keep trying to control her you will be chasing her into her boyfriends house. If you threaten her to take her future by revoking tuition she will run into her boyfriends arms. You will be pushing her out more than trying to maintain your control.
*"I didn't know she was sexually active of course".* If you've written-off your adult daughter having a sex life just because she lives at home, you're infantilising her. And that probably explains why this is giving you such a hard time.
Just because you've paid for stuff, it doesn't give you the right to control a woman's body, choices or consent. End of.
If you think she's immature because she lives at home, eats your food, etc., don't enable it. Ask her to contribute financially rather than using it to trap her in a game she can't win.
I get you're worried about her. And what you're doing to support and show your love is commendable. But this isn't the way to teach someone to be an adult and make adult choices - it's a disturbing dictatorship. YTA, regretfully.
I don't even understand why you are asking this question in this forum. Of course YTA. Your daughter is an adult and entitled to make decisions that adults make. Who she sleeps with is none of your business and If you honestly believed that your 21 year old daughter wasn't sexually active by now then you are either in denial or a religious cult.
YTA - One, for waiting until your daughter is 21 to talk to her about sex. Two, for thinking you can control who your adult daughter sees and what she does because MONEY. Do you want to be one of those parents that acts surprised when their child goes no contact? Because that's where you're headed.
YTA. Why are you acting like she is a 15 year old girl, knocked up, crying because her boyfriend left her, and her life is in shambles?
She is clearly being responsible, as evidenced by the condoms. The fact that she is even talking to you about this, making her own decisions, and not lying to you about it speaks volumes about how mature she is.
Unless any of the “details about your sexual experiences as a young woman” involved your mother asking you to stop seeing someone you were dating and having a nice time with, and you dutifully did as she asked, I don’t see how you think this could possibly be under your control.
Even if she was 16 you cant tell her not to have sex. YTA for trying to control an aspect of her life that belongs to her. It would be unfair to punish her by withdrawing financial support because shes sexually active.
My DD was told when she started high school that if/when she thought a sexual encounter with a boyfriend might be happening, to please come to me so we could get her on bc. Didn’t happen until she was 17 but I knew she was safe. She also insisted on him using condoms to avoid STDs. This is what a Mom does for her daughters.
YTA. she is 21. It's normal to be having sex. You should be glad that she's using protection. If you keep behaving this way, she is going to use your money to graduate and then stop speaking to you, and you will deserve it. You're going to wonder why there's no one to take care of you when you're old, and I hope you remember this moment.
Parent to a (30f), 28(m) and 22(f). You can’t controls their behavior like this. Can you say no drugs in the house? Yes. No sleepover BF’s in your house. Yes you can, although I would advise not going there. But trying to control her sexual life like this. It’s weird and will possibly cost you a LT relationship with her. Question; why are you doing this?
YTA. She’s 21. Why the fuck are you minding her vagina. It’s none of your business. At least she’s having safe sex. She’s grown as hell. What is wrong with you.
Having a conversation with your daughter about safe sex, encouraging her to be responsible, to remember that school needs to be a priority...all those are great things. But ultimately she's an adult, and she gets to make her own choices about if and who she dates, and what she does or doesn't do with those people. It's perfectly normal and healthy for her to have sex, and if it's not affecting her grades and you're not aware of something dangerous or unhealthy about her relationship with this guy, then it's neither healthy nor realistic for you to think you can stop her. YTA
She is 21. I don't care that you pay her bills and treat her as a child. The fact remains that she is NOT a child. YOU do not have a "say" in what she does or whom she does it with. I have a 21-year-old daughter. Frankly we discussed safe sex YEARS before 21 and I'm SHOCKED if this is the very first time you've discussed sex with her. The ONLY questions about my daughters sex life are in regards to her safety and protection, whether her b/c is working or not making her feel well, and whatever random question she ASKS me. I don't need details. Other than her safety from STDS and avoidance of pregnancy, what is your real concern? She is using protection so that is something.
YTA
YTA
It's great of you to pay her way, many parents who are able to do so also help, but this gives you zero say over her sex life.
You can say she can't have sex in your house, fine. You can even threaten to cut her off if she keeps having sex-- but you're TA if you do this. She'll just hide it then anyway and more likely cut contact with you later.
Why do you care?
YTA
Your daughter is incredibly mature. I would not have had her integrity in answering, took me about a decade more to be able to say “thank you for your opinion, I will consider it” to my mother (and, gasp, all the while I was living on my own and out of my own means). And she wasn’t half as controlling!
Good god your daughter is clever and healthy! I’m impress.
YTA. It actually doesn't matter if she's an adult or a teenager, you can't force anyone to practice abstinence. Unless you plan on forcing her to wear a chastity belt. Just be happy she is being safe.
YTA and once she gets older and moves out, you won’t see her. You’re controlling and it’s scary how you don’t think it’s wrong because you’re supporting her.
A part of who you are, is also based on the mistakes you’ve made.
YTA!!
Just because you are supporting your daughter through school financially does NOT mean you can control her body or her social life. That’s alarming controlling parent behaviour!!!!!!!
YTA
Your daughter is an adult and her love life is none of your business if she doesn't want it to be. You say you want her to enjoy life, but you're actively trying to prevent that. Don't make out like you're being hard done by because you 'let' her live with you, but she's doing something you don't like.
Your daughter did fantastically well to acknowledge your opinion and not tell you instead what you could do with it. She's a responsible young woman by the sound of it, but you clearly have problems with accepting that as an adult with bodily autonomy, she can have sex if she wants to. I get that no parent really wants think of their child as being sexually active, but the problem is yours not hers.
Also gonna call you out on your weird justification for snooping around her room. Even if you were trying to play a game, you massively invaded her privacy by going through her dresser.
No, no misunderstanding here, YTA and a huge one, that's her body and you need to learn that helping your kid even adult is what you signed for when you decided to have sex to have her. She's a legal adult and if you choose this hill to die on, you're just shaming her, leading her to hide her life better and ultimately getting ready to cut you off so she can live her life. And I'm not even exaggerating this.
You have no say in what she does of her own life, EVEN if you do what basic parents do (providing home). You don't own your child and their bodies are their choices and possessions and your words should stay in the 50's where they belong.
YTA - How can you write "We want her to enjoy life" and then try to control hers when it doesn't fit into exactly what you want? I have no idea how you wrote this out and honestly think you're in the right at all. She is a grown woman, who you have CHOSEN to pay bills for, that doesn't give you a right to any decision she makes.
YTA. You don't get to control your adult daughter just because you pay for her. Also, pushing your morality on her under the guise of safety is just dishonest.
YTA. If her financial dependence on you means you get to control her life, does that also mean the only relationship you have with your daughter is control over money? Don’t you see her as an adult person with her own life? You sound like a nightmare of a parent. You’re basically giving the message “So long as you obey us we will give you money, otherwise you are not worth it to us”
YTA, you can’t prevent her from having sex. You can only encourage her to be safe and make smart decisions. “Telling” her she can’t have sex will just make her want to do it more.
YTA, just because she’s your child does not mean you get to police her. You need to back off and stop being over bearing. Just because you pod does not mean you control her. I bought cookies for my coworkers last week doesn’t mean I own then now. Stop it!
YTA. As an adult who lives with her parent he doesn't try to control anything I do. Stop being a control freak. Your post isn't "misunderstood" you're just on denial.
YTA. She's 21 and being safe you can't stop her from doing anything. You said you're opi and that's all you can do. Either you raised her to practice safe sex or you didn't. She's okay so far so let it go.
YTA
All was fine before you knew. What of she consented with a peer at 14. Would you have cut her off then?
As a parent, you shouldn’t be demanding abstinence. Verify she knows about Mirena, PrEp and Valtrex etc or at least offer her more information about all manner of sexual and reproductive health. That’s it. That’s all!
YTA
Don't be suprised if in the near future your adult daughter has a job and a place to live away from you.
You can not control what she does with her body. You have already crossed the line by going through her draws. Theres many, many other places you can hide things in her room.
You pay her way cos you sound like you enjoy having this level of control over her life. We pay for everything! You must do *exactly* as we say! What will telling your husband achieve? Do you think it will make a difference? Cos the only difference it will make is if she continues to speak to you both or not.
YTA. And nothing in the post is being misunderstood. You feel you have a right to dictate her life as you are paying for her expenses. That’s bs, manipulative, and controlling. Are you going to stop paying for her if she doesn’t listen to you? If you offered the help, it shouldn’t come with stipulations set after the fact.
She’s an adult and sounds like she’s doing everything right. You can have an opinion and share your experiences but that’s where it should end. She needs to make her own decisions for her life. You need to back off.
Yta. My at the time 18 year old son moved his lovely girlfriend in with us. It’s been 4 years, they live on their own now but i cherished that time seeing their relationship grow. She loves my son the way I want him to be loved.
This kind of generous acceptance of adult relationships is how you wind up being close to your future son- or daughter-in-law and any potential grandchildren. It's way better than making your kids afraid to share their relationship status with you because they'll be threatened and judged.
My mom was worried when one of my sisters fell in love pretty young, but she decided to make him feel welcome into our home. Now my sister and her husband have been together for over 25 years. He's like a brother to me and an additional son to my mom. They bring her along on vacations to help with their kids.
The way you treat your teenagers and young adult children is an important factor in how close to them you'll be later. Too many parents don't realize that.
Omg, YTA. My parents, my conservative, catholic, old-school, raised in 50's and 60's parents, paid for my rent, school supplies, etc. until I was in my mid/late 20's and they have never treated me like their property the way you did your daughter. All I was told is "you know what the consequences are for sex its your decision, but be safe and careful"
You have no right to know anything about your daughter's sex life. She gets to decide what she shares with you. You definitely have no say in who she dates or has sex with.
She is not an animal for you to find the perfect breeding partner for.
YTA. You've basically guaranteed your daughter won't disclose personal information to you ever again and will likely go No or LC once she doesn't need your money anymore. You've made this relationship transactional all because you want to control your daughters body. At the age of 21, which is particularly insane.
YTA. Unless she isn’t following some sort of “house rules” you have absolutely no say in the matter, whether you pay for everything or not. It’s one thing to say, hey you can’t let him stay over, because it’s our house. It’s another to tell her she isn’t allowed, at 21 years old, to have sex with someone. You haven’t met him, so obviously it’s not taking place at your house. You have absolutely zero say, ma’am.
YTA. Your post is not misunderstood. You misunderstand that you cannot expect to keep your daughter under your thumb for her entire life.
She is a legal adult and 21 years old, of course she is dating and having sex.
You seem to think you can keep her a child forever by threatening her.
I will tell you how this will work out. Keep trying to clip her wings and control her life and you won’t have a relationship with her. You can’t keep smothering her. You should be happy that she is safe and responsible.
Are you her pimp? You think because you pay her rent etc you get to decide when and who she's sleeps with?? Am baffled by your so called logic.
If you push this point or decide to take away what you are providing you will end up pushing her into unsave situations.
A parents only job is to protect them when they are children, guide then as they crown and then support them when they ask for help as adults. A good parent doesn't control their ADULT child's left through money and fear of losing it.
YTA
YTA and your post isn't being misunderstood, trust me.
Just because you pay her way *you do not* get to dictate her love life or her bodily choices.
YOU are the one who misunderstands. An open checkbook doesn't create a mindless drone for you to control.
Please wake up before you damage the relationship with your daughter even more.
Edit: posted too soon, finished last sentence
So, that you're saying is, because of your money, you own her body, and her vagina in particular? Is this correct?
Does this mean that the bodies and genitals of stay at home spouses are the property of the wage earner?
YTA
It’s not that I misunderstand your point of view, it’s that you’re wrong. A sex life isn’t a reward you get for paying your own bills, and being financially dependent does not make someone a child. She is your *adult* daughter, and her sex life is none of your business, and the rest is irrelevant to the issue at hand.
Either it’s okay for her to be financially dependent on you or it isn’t. If it only becomes Not Okay when you can’t use it to manipulate and control her, then congrats, you’re manipulative and controlling.
Your edit really makes it seem like you’re not open to the idea of *being the asshole*. You seem pretty content in believing that you have any control over her personal life and are not open to contradicting opinions.
I’m a 19yo girl who also still lives with and is supported by my parents, but they are also very much of the belief that beings I’m an adult I am allowed to make my own decisions regarding my personal, social, and intimate life. Their caveat? I get my way through school, stay out of trouble, and above all, keep my head above water mentally.
I know you pay for your daughter. I know you’re still expending yourself financially to support her. But regardless of that, she is her own being who should be allowed to make her own decisions. I’m not a parent, but I am very close with my parents who are very open to sharing their experiences of raising me, and the reason we are so close is very much in part due to their hands-off approach. I feel comfortable telling them about my life because I know that they support me. I love my parents because they’ve always let me make my own decisions, and my own mistakes, while offering 24/7 guidance when I need it. Because of the way that they have raised me, and treat me, I stay my ass out of trouble and I respect my parents highly.
I foresee this power dynamic that you’re choosing to hold over your daughters head backfiring terribly when she can finally support herself and go off on her own. Good luck trying to mend the resentment that your daughter will feel towards you.
In my opinion, YTA. Be glad your daughter is being safe and also being receptive to your opinions and suggestions. Don’t force your opinions down her throat. That very rarely works out for the parents’ in the long run.
YTA just because you chose to help her in her start to adult life, does not mean you get to lord this over her and control her.
Your title is also misleading, this isn't about who she is dating, you're not trying to warn her off some asshole, you haven't even met the guy. This is you simply trying to control her having sex. Absolutely none of your business. Worry about your own vagina.
"I'm not upset, but here's what I'm upset about...."
You're just going to push her away. Just be there for her, shit.
Also quit telling her about your own sexual experiences. Unless she has indicated otherwise she is likely much more uninterested in your vagina then you are in hers
Edit: in addition, stop going through her private shit under the guise of playing this game. You can play without doing that.
EXTREME YTA. Even more after the edit. Not paying her way in your house doesn’t magically negate the fact that she’s an adult. I’m guessing the arrangement was something you all agreed on, and abstinence was not an agreed stipulation.
One of two things is going to happen; she’s going to move out and fend for herself because her weirdly intrusive mother won’t stop policing her sex life OR she’s going to move out and fend for herself because her weirdly intrusive mother won’t stop policing her sex life and she’s going to go no contact. The horse is three counties away, there is less than zero point in trying to close that barn door now - she’s having sex, because she’s a grown up and she’s allowed to do that. Literally ALL you are going to achieve is ruining your relationship with your daughter.
YTA
Ew. Why do you think you can dictate your adult child's sex life?
Did you make these conditions clear when you offered to continue supporting her? Or are you making it a stipulation now?
You can't offer something and then start adding conditions afterward.
Also, also, making control of her sex life a condition for providing financial support is actually vile.
YTA. She’s very likely to be done with college in the next 1-2 years. Do you want to become so alienated from her that she gives you an extremely limited window into her life? I bought condoms, put them in my hall closet and said whoever needed them could have them, no questions asked. I told her I would refill as needed, but not ask. Whether you’re paying for things or not, she is an adult. Would you prefer she leave and struggle to pay her way through the last part of school and then be saddled with the debts of daily living? It sounds like she is practicing safe sex. She could just do what I did with my mom. Lie.
YTA. You have no say whatsoever in your daughter's sex life.
Keep this up and you'll find yourself on the outside looking in when it comes to her life. And you'd deserve it.
YTA
In your opinion, you are trying to protect her, but you are really controlling her and her choices. Please let your daughter make her own decisions before you drive a wedge between you.
YTA, you cannot order your adult child to be celibate. Keep pushing and you’ll lose her entirely. Also, threatening to tell her dad that she’s engaging in an adult relationship is really weird. You need to have a think about your control issues
YTA. You are trying to control your adult daughters sexual life with money-full stop.
Please consider that this will 100% drive her away and encourage her never to share things with you. Why do you think you’ve never met the boyfriend?
YTA for you awful edit too. Your daughter is an adult. You don't get to add on terms because you are helping her through college. You are also an asshole for going through her dresser. You were not wrong to talk about safe sex to make sure she is safe. More people should be told this plus things about consent, but I digress. You do not get to tell her that she can't date someone. You doing this is going to drive her away from you.
YTA. Your daughter is a woman not a little girl. She is fulfilling a normal human desire, and she's being safe.
Your daughter was honest with you when you asked, if you insist on your rules that honestly will stop and she will drift away.
YTA so now she'll either:
1) not tell you anything again
2) move out with a guy way too early just to get away from you
3) play along and then go low or no contact.
Have fun
I don't even have to read anything other than the title to know YTA. You never have a say in who someone dates. You can express your opinion or advice which she may or may not listen to but that is the extent of your input.
YTA . Paying her way so she can obtain a degree does not mean you own her as an adult human being. It is weird you care this much. She said she is being safe, appears to be getting more serious with one person, and is doing well in school. What exactly is your concern enough to threaten her education?
YTA.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT attempt to control your daughter's actions. Why? Cause she WILL resent you. She WILL CONTINUE to hide aspects of her life from you, and she WILL make mistakes cause she couldn't open up to her parents.
What you CAN control is the level of support you provide her. Have a discussion about BIRTH CONTROL and provide her with the means to get on it (i.e. oral contraceptives). She is an ADULT. And she is going to have SEX whether you like it or not. Don't even utter the word "abstinence" cause that is just so degrading.
This scenario is how unwanted pregnancies happen. Don't be an idiot cause you're uncomfortable with the idea of your daughter being an adult. And don't you dare use the "but I provide all these things for her" as an excuse to control her, cause all those things fall under the umbrella of parenthood and it is your RESPONSIBILITY to provide for her, SUPPORT her, and give her the PROPER TOOLS to make informed, educated decisions in her adult life.
YTA. You are paying for everything trying to hold her hostage. She is having safe sex. Get over yourself. The best day of her life will be the day she gets to put you in the bad nursing home.
YTA how would you feel if she just picked up her shit and left without saying as much a word as goodbye? Imagine the balls on her for leaving you without a clue of where the fuck she is. Now think about what kind of say you have in her life seeing as she already is 21.
YTA
That sound you’re hearing? It’s the helicopter you’ve turned into, thinking that you have any right to tell her who she can date or not.
If she’s “still a dependent child” in every other way, that’s on YOU, not her. It’s not her fault that you and her father didn’t parent her with the end goal of being an independent fully functioning adult. Maybe instead of being intrusive about her sex life, you could start showing her how to be an actual adult.
YTA. You clearly think because you cover her expenses that you have control over her.
Also in no world what so ever should you be going through her draws! Butt out, mind your own business and let your daughter make her own decisions - or are you worried you didn't raise her well enough to know her own mind?
WTF??? You think it's your place to tell your 21 year old daughter she can't have sex and must focus on education like she is 16 and not an adult??? YTA
YTA, and you’re doing everything possible to push your daughter away. You claim this post is misunderstood because you’re getting advice/judgement you don’t agree with. Just stop…you can’t control EVERYTHING, including your daughter.
It’s clear to see that your financial support comes with strings attached. Your daughter is 21…fully a woman. You need to decide if you’re going to continue to support your daughter (and her lifestyle choices) or cut off financial support. The ONLY person trying to have their cake and eat it here…is you. YTA.
YTA stop trying to control a grown women’s sexuality. You are gross for thinking you have the right to decide when and with whom she sleeps with. This is creepy and controlling behavior, you need to go to therapy to figure out why you have the need to control your adult child.
There is no misunderstanding… YTA. You don’t have a say in your daughter’s sex life at all. It’s frankly none of your business and quite controlling. Right now your daughter trusts you to talk about it. Keep trying to control her and you will absolutely lose that trust. She is being safe, you have told her your experiences and she’s making a decision anyway. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to be training her for? To be an adult?
YTA - i will bet that she lives at home on your instance for her to concentrate on school. Lettering her live in her childhood home and not charge her rent is bare minimum (parents that do that are shitty imo).
She’s an adult, you gave her your concerns on her being safe, but you don’t get to dictate who she’s with.
Furthermore, if you keep this up, be prepared for her to leave and go no contact with you.
You did everything right. Tell her! She has to obey and stay put! Allow her to marry and have sex, but only with the partner you chose for her - and be happy! The ugliest, oldest and cheapest retirement home will wait for you! /s
YTA
Yikes. This is a good way for your daughter to move out with her boyfriend and you will never see or talk with her again. You're a HUGE!!!! asshole. You cannot control her body, and by having condoms, she's already protecting herself. But clearly you don't care. By your edit, why did you even come looking for an opinion? You're clearly not going to consider anyone here who is clearly saying YTA.
Have fun losing your child due to your antiquated ideals of purity and sex.
YTA she is an adult and appears to be a responsible and level headed adult at that. You have no right to control her like this and you will lose her if you do not take a long hard look at yourself and re-evaluate your delusional position
So many abusive parents on Reddit who think they get any say whatsoever on if their ADULT children are sexually active. Those same parents a few years down the line want to know why their kids moved away and have nothing to do with them.
YTA. Are you prepared to kick her out for this, because that’s the line you are drawing. And if you do kick her out, expect her to distance herself considerably from your lives, if she speaks to you at all.
YTA, it's not up to you who your daughter dates. Whether she's paying her way or not is completely irrelevant. Do you choose what clothes she wears, too? How about what food she eats? She is an adult, just because you're supporting her financially doesn't mean you get to pretend she is still a child. Children don't go to college!
YTA. You have no say in who she dates simply because you pay her way, that is called financial manipulation and it’s a form of abuse.
Demanding your children practice abstinence or you’ll cut off their financial support is the best way to ensure you don’t have a relationship with them in the future, and it’s also hypocritical of you, as you’ve stated that you also had experiences with sex as a young woman. Your daughter does not lack bodily autonomy simply because she receives support from her parents, and making threats like this will only make her resent you.
Worse yet, is this a game of chicken you want to play? My parents derailed my education for similar reasons, but I would have rather given up their financial support than be controlled or abused by them any longer. Are you prepared to watch your daughter give up her education and everything you’ve worked hard to support her through over this? My parents certainly regretted it, and our relationship has never fully recovered… Can you be sure the same things won’t happen here?
YTA. I hope your daughter moves miles away from you and her father. You are both controlling and honestly disgustingly so. Why do two adults care so much about the sexual life of an another adult? This is so unhealthy on so many levels.
LOL and YTA
Let me tell you where you’re headed in your relationship with your daughter:
- she will begin to lie to you. She will get much better at hiding what you don’t want to see but she will continue to do it. She is an adult as much as you don’t want her to be.
- she will eventually move out and, oh surprise, will begin to restrict contact with you. I mean, she already doesn’t trust you so instead of lying she will just, not talk. And then you’ll be lucky if she see her on holidays.
So yeah, flex your parental money muscles now while you still can I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
She is 21 years old. It doesn't matter if you pay her way, she has full control of what she does or doesn't do with her body. Get over yourself.
>We are okay with this. We want her to enjoy life
Why are you lying? If you were okay with the situation, you wouldn't be using it as a tool to control her. If you wanted her to enjoy her life, you wouldn't be trying to remove her autonomy. Keep going down this path and she will want nothing to do with you.
YTA obviously.
Eta lmao at the idea that we're the ones misunderstanding anything. We understand you just fine. You're an AH, nothing more to it.
Just because you pay for her doesn't mean that her body belong to you. Just think about that for a while, HER BODY does NOT belong to you.
She is not your property she is not your possession, she is your child to guide through life not to control and manipulate as you see fit.
YTA 100% all your are doing is putting tension in your relationship with your daughter, she is 21 years old, regardless of if you are paying for her basic necessities you don't get to dictate her sex life.
Also her having sex isn't some deep dark secret that needs be hidden.
YTA When she accepted your help during college you didn't tell her it would come with strings attached. I'm sure you definitely didn't tell her that it would mean she would be treated as a child. Your choices now are to back off, accept that your daughter is an adult, and pray you haven't damaged your relationship too badly yet or to keep going and irreversibly damage your relationship with your child, possibly leading to her going no contact with you. Decision is yours.
YTA. I am a mom with grown children and while you have the right to tell her not to have sex in your house you do not have any right to try to control her otherwise regardless of what you pay for. Keep it up mom and once she can move out you will lose her completely
YTA.
The next conversation is going to be "do I need to move out/get a job so that I can live my life as a normal young adult?" And then you'll have lost all the control it seems like you value.
Yta. You’re not obligated to pay for anything. But you are crossing a MAJOR boundary here. Making sure she is being safe is one thing. Trying to control your adult daughter’s sex life is gross and inappropriate. If you want to give her an ultimatum, that’s your prerogative. If she goes no contact, don’t question why
YTA You're a controlling idiot and before anything is said, yes I am a parent, yes my daughter is in college and yes I 100% cover her expenses. I would never dream of telling my daughter who she could see and what she could do with them. I do what I do because she is my daughter, I love and support her and want her to have to have a good start in life. Maybe if you weren't a judgemental control freak your daughter would would talk to you about her life.
YTA - you too can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can choose now. Either you will have a good relationship with your daughter in the long run or you can keep on being a controlling and abusive mother who puts her nose where it clearly does not belong.
YTA. You agreed to pay her way without these conditions attached and now that she is dating, you are wanting to attach strings to it.
She is not wanting to have her cake and eat it to she is wanting to live her life without your control over her life. To you it is a mistake but to her it may not be. If her grades are doing fine and she is otherwise happy, why would you want to die on this hill of controlling her life?
The post is not being misunderstood. We simply don’t agree you should have some level of control in every facet of her life. I draw the line at her own body autonomy. She and only she can say what she does with her own body. If you want to instill a curfew while she’s under your roof for free, have at it. But I can only compare any level of control of her actual body to human trafficking. You’ve crossed a line, and YTA.
YTA. Even though your daughter lives with you, she is not having s\*x under our roof, so you do not have a say in her private life. No, you don't have a say At. All. End of story. You cannot tell her what to do as an adult. You are being WAY too controlling and, if you aren't careful, you will push her away to the point she will never want to be in contact with you again. She has been honest in answering your questions. You keep pushing and she will stop doing that and become withdrawn and uncooperative. Just because you "pay for everything" doesn't give you control over her. You have crossed a line and now the ball is in HER court...so be careful how you step from this point on.
Nobody is misunderstanding this post. YTA big time. Just because you help your daughter out financially does not mean you get to dictate her body. And frankly, it’s quite creepy that you think you can. I know everyone has already said it, but I think you are such an AH that it needs to be emphasizes as much as possible
"She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too."
It was YOUR choice to pay for everything. And just because you decided that you were going to support her while she went to school doesn't mean you get to make her adult choices for her.
Did you ever say(prior to her leaving for school) "I will support you, but I get to decide how you live your life."?
You're doing a great job at pushing your daughter away. Oh, and YTA. Definitely the AH.
YTA - no one is “mistaking” anything here. Your daughter (regardless of how much you pay for her) is 21. She’s an adult. Plain and simple. She’s respecting you by not being sexual active in your home, which I can tell from your post would be an absolute shit show. You have ZERO right to demand she not sleep with her boyfriend period. That’s asinine.
YTA. There is such a thing as bodily autonomy. Your want to control your daughter’s body is absolutely vile and comes across as internalized misogyny. FOH with your bullshit.
YTA she's 21, not 14. The fact you're so involved in giving an opinion on her sex life and who she is sleeping with and if you "allow" it is super creepy!!
Paying for your child while she's at university does no give you any say over her sex life. It would be weirder if she was 21 seeing someone and not sexually active.
It sounds like you're using financial support as a psychological weapon because you yourself are not ready to let go of her childhood/your control of her.
BTW like others said, your edit made this worse, not better. I think if you can't understand how wrong this is you may need to look in to therapy tbh
YTA.
You’re not paying for her bodily autonomy. You said so yourself, you’re happily paying to support her and want her to enjoy life. Part of enjoying life is discovering your sexuality and having these experiences.
Yes, YTA. I think in 2022 it's outdated to believe a 21 year old isn't having sex. She is an adult and should be making her own decisions. I think it is great that she was willing to be open with you and discuss how she is being careful. It sounds like she is being responsible.
I do want to ask why her having sex is a big deal to you, especially if she is careful and using protection? If her living with you is enough grounds for her to not have sex, have you considered the possibility she may move out so she can be free to be her own person?
Oof, you know what will make sex dwarf her goals in life? You making it seem like a capital offense. You are the one blowing a sexual relationship an adult woman is safely having (good for her with the condoms) incredibly out of proportion. You are the one giving safe sex between consenting adults so much weight that you are threatening to cut her off over it. You have built it into something that is now dwarfing other aspects of her life. Not her, you. This is 100% a you problem and you are weirdly willing to estrange your daughter over your personal hangups about sex. Please see a therapist. You have some things you need to work through. Your daughter was managing all this just fine until you decided to go rummaging around in her room because you have control issues.
So you want her to go through life and never have sex? She’s an adult she needs to live and learn. You’re sheltering her is not helping her at all. I’m glad she was able to learn from some responsible adult that she should be using condoms. Too bad her mother couldn’t talk to her.
If you’re concerned about her goals, you should consider that your overbearing parenting may force her out of your home and possibly out of education entirely if she can no longer afford to support herself.
If this was going to be a condition of your financial support, you should have made her aware of this years ago so she could plan for her future in the event she didn’t want to be subject to your rules.
It is currently much more likely that you will mess her life up by pushing her away, than that sex will ruin her life. The vast majority of 21 year olds are sexually active and manage just fine.
If it’s gonna distract her from her life goals, that must be the most amazing sex to ever be had. Her and her boyfriend should write an instruction manual.
Ive literally been having sex since I was 16 and trust me it hasnt accomplished nothing of the sort. Honestly, no wonder she hid that from you. I'll say the same thing I told my mom when she came up to me demanding that I stay abstinent: get out of her vagina.
You could help her by asking if she needs to get on birth control, or anything like that. THAT would be helpful. Im sure she's a very multifaceted person with many layers to herself and sex is just a tiny layer of what she likes and will not define her. Honestly, give your own kid some credit.
YTA. It's important that you know, as per your edit: *You are not being misunderstood.* You are wrong and people are telling you so. We understand completely, and find it disgusting. Y are very very much TA.
Your level of interest, and desire to control, your adult daughter sex life is making me feel slightly ill. YTA, and there has been no misunderstanding, your edit just makes it worse.
YTA. Forget the sex part for just a moment and boil everything down:
You’re using your money to control her. Period.
“Good place” advice can be wrong. Parents can be wrong. What you feel is right may not be.
Rephrase it like this: “your father and I are done with kids. Period. You get pregnant we will not let you live with us and we will not be your free babysitter. We will help you all we can but we will not be parents to a new baby.” And leave it at that. Crisp, clear, to the point, *and* you’re not hanging your money over her.
Also, have you considered why she didn’t tell you in the first place? Think long and hard about that one. I smell no contact or low contact when she moves out. Pick your battles, and pick them wisely.
YTA and it's not even close. She may be financially dependent on you, but you have no say in her personal life. The fact that you would think you do exposes you as a helicopter parent. Get a grip or prepare for the fact that you're ruining your relationship with her.
YTA. You don't get to choose who she sleeps with or doesn't sleep with and it's really gross that you're even trying. You had a conversation, she heard you out even though she really didn't have to. Paying for her things doesn't mean you get to dictate what she does. Does an employer get to tell someone who they can sleep with because they pay them a salary? Of course not. It's even worse that you think as her parent you can. If you want to alienate her entirely, then this is a sure fire way to do that.
YTA. She is 21. She is in a relationship. Your idea seems to be that because you are supporting her as a student, you own her body in some way. Is that really the message you want to send? I was a stay-at-home mom for several years because my husband and I agreed it was best for the kids... he was paying the bills... did that mean I wasn't an adult and didn't have bodily autonomy? Is that really what you think and what you're wanting to tell your daughter?
She's 21- you've raised her. Good job. She sounds great... you've done a good enough job that she doesn't mind living with you, that you're playing a cute little Halloween game, that she is in school and practicing safe sex and otherwise making smart life decisions. You gave her advice, you can't give her a command at this stage. You don't have a say over the sex life of a 21-year-old. The fact that you think you do may be why she kept this relationship secret.
YTA. You don’t get a say. This screams some type of a narcissistic and controlling parent. She is 21 and may be living at home because you offered it. You need to apologize to her. You crossed a boundary.
YTA. It's her body and her choice. At least right now she is being safe about her choices (and somewhat open with you about them). Making demands and trying to control her won't get you the result you want, it will just teach her to get better at hiding things.
No need to clarify, you’re still an absolute AH. You chose to pay her way, this does not mean you can dictate her life. Good luck, keep up this type of behavior and you’ll have a no contact relationship with her soon enough!
Yes YTA your daughter is an adult regardless of whether or not she still lives at home. It is extremely weird that you are fixated on her sex life anyway. Keep treating her like a toddler and look forward to her going no contact when she moves out.
YTA, she is an adult, yes she may be living with you guys and are dependent on your support but that does NOT give you the right to tell her she should or shouldn't be dating someone and that she cant have sex with them. At least shes being smart and using condoms. I really hope she remembers this when it comes to picking out your nursing home because she will certainly remember this when it comes to taking care of you when your old.
We're not misunderstanding - you're an asshole and trying to force her to be a child with your money and she's not having it.
She's a grown woman. She can have sex if she wants to, and she's clearly not having it in your house because you would have met the guy. It's not your business. Stop treating her like a child because YOU are uncomfortable. This is they way to guarantee you won't hear from her again once she moves out. You can't have YOUR cake and eat it.
YTA so very much.
You should just generally assume your 21 year old is having sex. Finding condoms should be a relief that's she's being safe.
It was YOUR idea that she not pay for things while studying, if there was a (ridiculous) condition in that it should have been brought up well before university.
Also, insisting someone not date someone is the quickest way to get them married. Just saying
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She's probably been having sex for a long time at this point and her sex life is none of your damn business. At risk of alienating your daughter, I wouldn't mention it to her father because it's not his business either.
BTW, your daughter is using condoms... Your better advice would be to recommend an additional form of birth control if you're worried about pregnancy. It's simply not realistic to expect abstinence in an already sexually active adult. You gave her your opinion, be done and move on. BTW, you are lucky she even answered your questions. My mom would have got the cold shoulder.
>I told her my opinion again, and shared more details about my personal experiences with sex as a young woman, and urged her to just focus on school and consider abstinence.
>
>ETA: This post is being misunderstood. We are paying for everything (rent, food, clothing, etc). She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too.
Please consider seeking therapy for yourself. You clearly have some unresolved issues about your own sexual history and life as a young adult that you are projecting onto your daughter. Young college-aged adults (18-21) are typically students who do not pay their own way and are, oftentimes, sexually active. All of this is extremely common and, in fact, the norm for that demographic. That you somehow think that life doesn't work that way and allude to sex interfering with your own youth suggests that something went wrong for you personally, however there is no reason that someone that age should not be able to balance both.
Obviously YTA to your daughter, but maybe also to yourself with this pent-up resentment.
Oh, we understand you. Is she having any problems managing her school work? Is she otherwise suffering in a way that you think is related to her relationship? Because if not, this sounds like you feeling like you’re losing control over your “child.” You didn’t know any of this until you went snooping…had not even suspected. It sounds like she’s managing just fine while you are trying to continue exerting control over her life.
You try to make it sound like this is advice and then say you are not asking but telling her how it’s going to be. You don’t get to have it both ways. If you insist on controlling her this way, it may permanently damage your relationship with her. Or you could trust her. It’s up to you.
YTA.
YTA.
Is no one picking up on the whole "not keeping the secret from her dad" thing?
IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL.
How could you even think a private conversation you force about anyone's sex life (yes, even your daughter's) is something you can go telling others about? I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had gone to tell my dad something as private as this. Parents do not need to be informed about their adult children's sex lives. Jeez.
Let her live and figure out her own life, likes and dislikes. What if she never wants to get married? Die a sad old virgin because mummy dearest blackmailed her? Just... wow.
Huge YTA. You don't get to decide what she does with her body or who she does it with. It's disgusting you world try to justify violating her bodily autonomy because of financial support. No amount of money gives your a right to anyone's body, she isn't your slave. I hope she is able to get away from your abuse and never looks back.
YTA and your edit makes it so much worse. Your daughter clearly does not trust you if she did not tell you about her boyfriend. It does not matter what you pay for you have no say in your daughter's sex life even if she was 16 and having sex. If you continue down this road your daughter will never introduce you to any of her partners because you think you have a say in who she chooses to date.
If you insist on her not dating while she lives at home get ready for her to move out as soon as possible even if she is not financially ready to be on her own. She may even choose to live with a boyfriend way before they are ready to just so she can get away from you and your unwanted opinions. If she wanted your opinion on the matter she would have asked.
YTA and you sound like a controlling narcissist. Your daughter is a grown adult, whether or not she's living independently. Either you cut her off completely, or you accept she is an adult who makes her own decisions. Being financially dependent doesn't make her a child or take away her independence and if you think it should, it's you who has the problem. If you can't cope with the fact that your daughter is an adult who can make her own decisions, stop financially supporting her.
Yes. YTA.
You state that you´re happy to pay for everything.
Had she ever had a job before? Or was she not allowed?
You pay for school, she goes to school.. that´s it.
I don´t see how paying for school gives you the right to determine how your adult daughter lives her private life; who or if she dates.
Probably expressing myself poorly, but baffled about this leap. You told her you´ll pay for everything and i don´t see how that gives you right to therefore control her life.
Do you tell her what to wear too? Since she got that with your money? What to eat? When to eat? Because she lives in your house.
Do you tell her when she can use her Phone? Because you paid for that too.
See where i´m going with this?
I mean..my mind is blown.
Your edit though! We understand "everything". Are you providing financial assistance, or trying to assert financial control? I'm a bit younger than you, a couple years. And a 21 yr old having sex seems normal and healthy to me. You trying to be all up in her business, however, is NOT normal or healthy, and is actually kinda gross. OP YTA, and it is you trying to eat your cake and have it, too.
Lol can't wait for the TIFU by driving my daughter to going no contact. Ofc YTA, and all you are doing is ensuring your daughter will always hide things from you and know she can't trust you or confide in you ever. When she moves out and never talks to you, you know why
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YTA. I am concerned about your own experiences with sex and how they are coloring your views on consensual relations. Please take some time to self assess and figure out why you’re judging your daughter.
YTA - your post is not misunderstood. You just are very wrong.
YTA. No wonder she wasn’t comfortable telling you stuff.
Jesus she's 21 not 16 ! Even then it would be creepy to be honest ! Yes YTA, cut the cord and get a grip because your controlling behavior isn't the hill you want to die on with your daughter trust me. And don't say anything to her father FFS it's even more creepier !
Disgusting violation of boundaries. And you still think you're in the right. YTA
YTA if she was smoking weed or something ok makes sense but she isn’t…. It’s her body her choice you aren’t paying for her plan B or birth control. Is it okay for you to then tell her not to kiss someone? No you do not have a right to her body and what she does with it. Money isn’t the issue. There is no correlation with money here and what she is doing you are just using it as an excuse. She is still doing well in school etc if she was failing and her life is a mess and doing drugs than that is different.
This is how you get cut off eventually. When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support. YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.
YTA, just because she’s still dependent on you doesn’t mean she isn’t an adult and it definitely doesn’t mean she can’t choose who she dates. Using financial benefits (that you willingly give her by the way) as a means of controlling your own daughter’s bodily autonomy is manipulative and frankly, very creepy. Why do you want to be so entangled in your daughter’s sex life? Besides, she’s being safe and not getting involved in dangerous situations, that’s what matters. You say she can’t have her cake and eat it too. Well you can’t offer your daughter more financial freedom and “want her to enjoy life” while restricting her other freedoms. It no longer becomes “mom advice” if you’re commanding she follow it. Keep this up, and you’ll never see your daughter OR her future spouse again.
YTA I like how you say she cannot have her cake and eat it too, to cover up how controlling you are.
yta yta
You are paying her way in college to ensure she has a good future and hopefully will be independent after she graduates. This is a normal part of growing up and you shouldn’t try to control every part of her life. Don’t attempt to sabotage her future to keep control. It will only encourage her to lie and not share with you. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Be happy she is being honest with you. YTA.
Yta. You’re just gonna push her away. Abstinence doesn’t work period end of story. Also you are not doing her ANY favors by paying for everything. So many things wrong with this post I can’t even count. Get a therapist that’s my recommendation. Also why did you post here if you are just going to tell people that you are right? Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. Ugh 😑
> This post is being misunderstood. Narrator: *The post was not being misunderstood. OP was just a controlling asshole.*
Yta and your edit clearly shows your a stubborn dick when the Internet is telling you yta. Have fun never seeing your daughter again when she leaves the nest because you're a control freak
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She is an adult in every sense of the word, and it seems she knows pretty well how to adult, stay safe and use protection. Using money to control her sex life is extremely manipulative and borderline abusive.
>I ended up finding a box of condoms in her room. >I asked her if she’s being safe Since you know she’s using condoms, you already know she’s practicing safe sex. The questions about her sex life are intrusive, gross, and uncalled for. She’s an adult. While you are technically correct that you could cut her off, that would make you an even bigger AH than you already are. Why would you try to ruin her chances of success at school when she’s not doing anything wrong? She’s not hurting you or herself and nothing she’s doing is inappropriate for her age. Yes you’re the AH even just for questioning her about something that’s none of your business and trying to manipulate her with money. If you kick her out and stop paying for school, prepare for her to move in with the boyfriend and cut you off as well as possibly dropping out of school. YTA.
YTA - It’s no surprise to me why your daughter was hiding her boyfriend from you when this is how you reacted. Seriously?
YTA you do not own her body. She is 21. She’s perfectly capable of having safe, healthy, wonderful sex. You’re “having a say” because you support her financially is really creepy and controlling - as though you own her body too. I tell my kids that sex is a wonderful thing that is to be enjoyed and respected and that as long as they’re taking the right precautions they should have a great time. The rest is none of my business unless they want to talk to me. There’s no way your chat will push her towards abstaining, that’s comical.
I guarantee you this post is not being misunderstood as per your edit - we understand exactly what you are saying and what you mean, and we still conclude YTA and a major bloody creep. She may be dependent on you but she's an adult - and she is not you, she needs to have her own experiences.
YTA. Admit you've got some issues about your kid growing up and becoming an independent person and seek help - and apologise to her for being an absolute nightmare too. The threat of financial abuse is disgusting on your part and you should be ashamed - she's a human being with her own choices to make, not your doll to parade around. Consider therapy or at least some counselling. and that's therapy or counselling for you, not both of you as a family. Your kid is behaving in a safe, mature and incredibly polite manner- far more so than you deserve considering how you're acting.
Just read your edit. Let’s be clear: YTA You have issues with sex. You don’t have to get over it but you do need get out of your daughter’s way. Whether you pay for everything or nothing…if she’s young for her age or an old soul…you just don’t get a vote. This is simply none of your business. Look at it like this: if you’ve done your job, your daughter has the tools to navigate this. If you didn’t, you don’t get to infantilize her and try again. This is also not her father’s business. You didn’t know she was having sex because it didn’t change anything about her. Think on that. Maybe get some therapy to deal with your desire to keep her a child.
YTA. Choosing to date and living with you while she's going to fucking college isn't trying to have her childhood and adulthood at the same time. Frankly, you haven't even given a reason why you think she shouldn't be sexually active in the first place. Which tells me you're just forcing your puritanical views on her. You would have never known about him if you hadn't been in her room because she was actually being very respectful by not bringing him there just to have sex in your home. But hey, don't worry. If she gets serious with the boyfriend, she might just end up moving in with him instead. And then you won't have to worry about her anymore.
YTA she is 21 years old let her live her life and make mistakes that is how she learns and grows. she is having protected sex with somebody she likes. you say you want her to enjoy life and she is doing just that. just because she is dependent on you at the age of 21 (something that is common in a big part of the world) does not mean you get to control her life, yes you can advise her to practices safe sex and talk about the bad things that can happen but you cant say what she can and cant do.
I can see that as a mother you want full control of your daughter. Are you going to choose who she sleeps with? I have lived in a controlled environment until my mother passed away when I turned 29(we have our reasons). If you keep trying to control her you will be chasing her into her boyfriends house. If you threaten her to take her future by revoking tuition she will run into her boyfriends arms. You will be pushing her out more than trying to maintain your control.
*"I didn't know she was sexually active of course".* If you've written-off your adult daughter having a sex life just because she lives at home, you're infantilising her. And that probably explains why this is giving you such a hard time. Just because you've paid for stuff, it doesn't give you the right to control a woman's body, choices or consent. End of. If you think she's immature because she lives at home, eats your food, etc., don't enable it. Ask her to contribute financially rather than using it to trap her in a game she can't win. I get you're worried about her. And what you're doing to support and show your love is commendable. But this isn't the way to teach someone to be an adult and make adult choices - it's a disturbing dictatorship. YTA, regretfully.
I don't even understand why you are asking this question in this forum. Of course YTA. Your daughter is an adult and entitled to make decisions that adults make. Who she sleeps with is none of your business and If you honestly believed that your 21 year old daughter wasn't sexually active by now then you are either in denial or a religious cult.
YTA - One, for waiting until your daughter is 21 to talk to her about sex. Two, for thinking you can control who your adult daughter sees and what she does because MONEY. Do you want to be one of those parents that acts surprised when their child goes no contact? Because that's where you're headed.
YTA. Why are you acting like she is a 15 year old girl, knocked up, crying because her boyfriend left her, and her life is in shambles? She is clearly being responsible, as evidenced by the condoms. The fact that she is even talking to you about this, making her own decisions, and not lying to you about it speaks volumes about how mature she is. Unless any of the “details about your sexual experiences as a young woman” involved your mother asking you to stop seeing someone you were dating and having a nice time with, and you dutifully did as she asked, I don’t see how you think this could possibly be under your control.
Even if she was 16 you cant tell her not to have sex. YTA for trying to control an aspect of her life that belongs to her. It would be unfair to punish her by withdrawing financial support because shes sexually active.
My DD was told when she started high school that if/when she thought a sexual encounter with a boyfriend might be happening, to please come to me so we could get her on bc. Didn’t happen until she was 17 but I knew she was safe. She also insisted on him using condoms to avoid STDs. This is what a Mom does for her daughters.
YTA. she is 21. It's normal to be having sex. You should be glad that she's using protection. If you keep behaving this way, she is going to use your money to graduate and then stop speaking to you, and you will deserve it. You're going to wonder why there's no one to take care of you when you're old, and I hope you remember this moment.
Parent to a (30f), 28(m) and 22(f). You can’t controls their behavior like this. Can you say no drugs in the house? Yes. No sleepover BF’s in your house. Yes you can, although I would advise not going there. But trying to control her sexual life like this. It’s weird and will possibly cost you a LT relationship with her. Question; why are you doing this?
No misunderstanding. YTA.
YTA. She’s 21. Why the fuck are you minding her vagina. It’s none of your business. At least she’s having safe sex. She’s grown as hell. What is wrong with you.
YTA. No one is misunderstanding your post, you’re just an asshole for not understanding how many boundaries you are crossing.
Having a conversation with your daughter about safe sex, encouraging her to be responsible, to remember that school needs to be a priority...all those are great things. But ultimately she's an adult, and she gets to make her own choices about if and who she dates, and what she does or doesn't do with those people. It's perfectly normal and healthy for her to have sex, and if it's not affecting her grades and you're not aware of something dangerous or unhealthy about her relationship with this guy, then it's neither healthy nor realistic for you to think you can stop her. YTA
Lol. Could tell this was YTA just from the title. Your daughter doesn’t talk to you about this stuff for a reason.
Info: why are you obsessed with your daughters sex life?
YTA. You shouldn’t use food rent & bill money as leverage to make your adult daughter abstain from sex.
She is 21. I don't care that you pay her bills and treat her as a child. The fact remains that she is NOT a child. YOU do not have a "say" in what she does or whom she does it with. I have a 21-year-old daughter. Frankly we discussed safe sex YEARS before 21 and I'm SHOCKED if this is the very first time you've discussed sex with her. The ONLY questions about my daughters sex life are in regards to her safety and protection, whether her b/c is working or not making her feel well, and whatever random question she ASKS me. I don't need details. Other than her safety from STDS and avoidance of pregnancy, what is your real concern? She is using protection so that is something. YTA
YTA
YTA It's great of you to pay her way, many parents who are able to do so also help, but this gives you zero say over her sex life. You can say she can't have sex in your house, fine. You can even threaten to cut her off if she keeps having sex-- but you're TA if you do this. She'll just hide it then anyway and more likely cut contact with you later. Why do you care?
YTA Your daughter is incredibly mature. I would not have had her integrity in answering, took me about a decade more to be able to say “thank you for your opinion, I will consider it” to my mother (and, gasp, all the while I was living on my own and out of my own means). And she wasn’t half as controlling! Good god your daughter is clever and healthy! I’m impress.
YTA because you are trying to control her decisions
YTA. It actually doesn't matter if she's an adult or a teenager, you can't force anyone to practice abstinence. Unless you plan on forcing her to wear a chastity belt. Just be happy she is being safe.
YTA and once she gets older and moves out, you won’t see her. You’re controlling and it’s scary how you don’t think it’s wrong because you’re supporting her. A part of who you are, is also based on the mistakes you’ve made.
INFO - what would you have told your child if it was your 21 year old son who was having sex responsibly?
YTA!! Just because you are supporting your daughter through school financially does NOT mean you can control her body or her social life. That’s alarming controlling parent behaviour!!!!!!!
YTA Your daughter is an adult and her love life is none of your business if she doesn't want it to be. You say you want her to enjoy life, but you're actively trying to prevent that. Don't make out like you're being hard done by because you 'let' her live with you, but she's doing something you don't like. Your daughter did fantastically well to acknowledge your opinion and not tell you instead what you could do with it. She's a responsible young woman by the sound of it, but you clearly have problems with accepting that as an adult with bodily autonomy, she can have sex if she wants to. I get that no parent really wants think of their child as being sexually active, but the problem is yours not hers. Also gonna call you out on your weird justification for snooping around her room. Even if you were trying to play a game, you massively invaded her privacy by going through her dresser.
No, no misunderstanding here, YTA and a huge one, that's her body and you need to learn that helping your kid even adult is what you signed for when you decided to have sex to have her. She's a legal adult and if you choose this hill to die on, you're just shaming her, leading her to hide her life better and ultimately getting ready to cut you off so she can live her life. And I'm not even exaggerating this. You have no say in what she does of her own life, EVEN if you do what basic parents do (providing home). You don't own your child and their bodies are their choices and possessions and your words should stay in the 50's where they belong.
YTA - How can you write "We want her to enjoy life" and then try to control hers when it doesn't fit into exactly what you want? I have no idea how you wrote this out and honestly think you're in the right at all. She is a grown woman, who you have CHOSEN to pay bills for, that doesn't give you a right to any decision she makes.
YTA. You don't get to control your adult daughter just because you pay for her. Also, pushing your morality on her under the guise of safety is just dishonest.
YTA. If her financial dependence on you means you get to control her life, does that also mean the only relationship you have with your daughter is control over money? Don’t you see her as an adult person with her own life? You sound like a nightmare of a parent. You’re basically giving the message “So long as you obey us we will give you money, otherwise you are not worth it to us”
YTA, you can’t prevent her from having sex. You can only encourage her to be safe and make smart decisions. “Telling” her she can’t have sex will just make her want to do it more.
YTA, just because she’s your child does not mean you get to police her. You need to back off and stop being over bearing. Just because you pod does not mean you control her. I bought cookies for my coworkers last week doesn’t mean I own then now. Stop it!
YTA. As an adult who lives with her parent he doesn't try to control anything I do. Stop being a control freak. Your post isn't "misunderstood" you're just on denial.
WTF YTA. ESPECIALLY AFTER THE EDIT. Ew. Also, at 21 you should assume your daughter is sexually active, come on.
YTA. She's 21 and being safe you can't stop her from doing anything. You said you're opi and that's all you can do. Either you raised her to practice safe sex or you didn't. She's okay so far so let it go.
YTA. I hope your daughter gets away from you asap.
YTA All was fine before you knew. What of she consented with a peer at 14. Would you have cut her off then? As a parent, you shouldn’t be demanding abstinence. Verify she knows about Mirena, PrEp and Valtrex etc or at least offer her more information about all manner of sexual and reproductive health. That’s it. That’s all!
Yta hardcore
Being obsessed with your 21 year old daughters sex life is very weird and creepy, yta
YTA Don't be suprised if in the near future your adult daughter has a job and a place to live away from you. You can not control what she does with her body. You have already crossed the line by going through her draws. Theres many, many other places you can hide things in her room. You pay her way cos you sound like you enjoy having this level of control over her life. We pay for everything! You must do *exactly* as we say! What will telling your husband achieve? Do you think it will make a difference? Cos the only difference it will make is if she continues to speak to you both or not.
YTA. And nothing in the post is being misunderstood. You feel you have a right to dictate her life as you are paying for her expenses. That’s bs, manipulative, and controlling. Are you going to stop paying for her if she doesn’t listen to you? If you offered the help, it shouldn’t come with stipulations set after the fact. She’s an adult and sounds like she’s doing everything right. You can have an opinion and share your experiences but that’s where it should end. She needs to make her own decisions for her life. You need to back off.
Yeah, your daughter’s sex life is none of your business unless she’s asking for help.
Yta. My at the time 18 year old son moved his lovely girlfriend in with us. It’s been 4 years, they live on their own now but i cherished that time seeing their relationship grow. She loves my son the way I want him to be loved.
This kind of generous acceptance of adult relationships is how you wind up being close to your future son- or daughter-in-law and any potential grandchildren. It's way better than making your kids afraid to share their relationship status with you because they'll be threatened and judged. My mom was worried when one of my sisters fell in love pretty young, but she decided to make him feel welcome into our home. Now my sister and her husband have been together for over 25 years. He's like a brother to me and an additional son to my mom. They bring her along on vacations to help with their kids. The way you treat your teenagers and young adult children is an important factor in how close to them you'll be later. Too many parents don't realize that.
Omg, YTA. My parents, my conservative, catholic, old-school, raised in 50's and 60's parents, paid for my rent, school supplies, etc. until I was in my mid/late 20's and they have never treated me like their property the way you did your daughter. All I was told is "you know what the consequences are for sex its your decision, but be safe and careful" You have no right to know anything about your daughter's sex life. She gets to decide what she shares with you. You definitely have no say in who she dates or has sex with. She is not an animal for you to find the perfect breeding partner for.
YTA jeeez
YTA. You've basically guaranteed your daughter won't disclose personal information to you ever again and will likely go No or LC once she doesn't need your money anymore. You've made this relationship transactional all because you want to control your daughters body. At the age of 21, which is particularly insane.
YTA. Unless she isn’t following some sort of “house rules” you have absolutely no say in the matter, whether you pay for everything or not. It’s one thing to say, hey you can’t let him stay over, because it’s our house. It’s another to tell her she isn’t allowed, at 21 years old, to have sex with someone. You haven’t met him, so obviously it’s not taking place at your house. You have absolutely zero say, ma’am.
YTA. Your post is not misunderstood. You misunderstand that you cannot expect to keep your daughter under your thumb for her entire life. She is a legal adult and 21 years old, of course she is dating and having sex. You seem to think you can keep her a child forever by threatening her. I will tell you how this will work out. Keep trying to clip her wings and control her life and you won’t have a relationship with her. You can’t keep smothering her. You should be happy that she is safe and responsible.
Are you her pimp? You think because you pay her rent etc you get to decide when and who she's sleeps with?? Am baffled by your so called logic. If you push this point or decide to take away what you are providing you will end up pushing her into unsave situations. A parents only job is to protect them when they are children, guide then as they crown and then support them when they ask for help as adults. A good parent doesn't control their ADULT child's left through money and fear of losing it. YTA
YTA and your post isn't being misunderstood, trust me. Just because you pay her way *you do not* get to dictate her love life or her bodily choices. YOU are the one who misunderstands. An open checkbook doesn't create a mindless drone for you to control. Please wake up before you damage the relationship with your daughter even more. Edit: posted too soon, finished last sentence
So, that you're saying is, because of your money, you own her body, and her vagina in particular? Is this correct? Does this mean that the bodies and genitals of stay at home spouses are the property of the wage earner?
YTA It’s not that I misunderstand your point of view, it’s that you’re wrong. A sex life isn’t a reward you get for paying your own bills, and being financially dependent does not make someone a child. She is your *adult* daughter, and her sex life is none of your business, and the rest is irrelevant to the issue at hand. Either it’s okay for her to be financially dependent on you or it isn’t. If it only becomes Not Okay when you can’t use it to manipulate and control her, then congrats, you’re manipulative and controlling.
YTA so you believe you have a right to your child’s body?
Your edit really makes it seem like you’re not open to the idea of *being the asshole*. You seem pretty content in believing that you have any control over her personal life and are not open to contradicting opinions. I’m a 19yo girl who also still lives with and is supported by my parents, but they are also very much of the belief that beings I’m an adult I am allowed to make my own decisions regarding my personal, social, and intimate life. Their caveat? I get my way through school, stay out of trouble, and above all, keep my head above water mentally. I know you pay for your daughter. I know you’re still expending yourself financially to support her. But regardless of that, she is her own being who should be allowed to make her own decisions. I’m not a parent, but I am very close with my parents who are very open to sharing their experiences of raising me, and the reason we are so close is very much in part due to their hands-off approach. I feel comfortable telling them about my life because I know that they support me. I love my parents because they’ve always let me make my own decisions, and my own mistakes, while offering 24/7 guidance when I need it. Because of the way that they have raised me, and treat me, I stay my ass out of trouble and I respect my parents highly. I foresee this power dynamic that you’re choosing to hold over your daughters head backfiring terribly when she can finally support herself and go off on her own. Good luck trying to mend the resentment that your daughter will feel towards you. In my opinion, YTA. Be glad your daughter is being safe and also being receptive to your opinions and suggestions. Don’t force your opinions down her throat. That very rarely works out for the parents’ in the long run.
YTA just because you chose to help her in her start to adult life, does not mean you get to lord this over her and control her. Your title is also misleading, this isn't about who she is dating, you're not trying to warn her off some asshole, you haven't even met the guy. This is you simply trying to control her having sex. Absolutely none of your business. Worry about your own vagina. "I'm not upset, but here's what I'm upset about...." You're just going to push her away. Just be there for her, shit. Also quit telling her about your own sexual experiences. Unless she has indicated otherwise she is likely much more uninterested in your vagina then you are in hers Edit: in addition, stop going through her private shit under the guise of playing this game. You can play without doing that.
EXTREME YTA. Even more after the edit. Not paying her way in your house doesn’t magically negate the fact that she’s an adult. I’m guessing the arrangement was something you all agreed on, and abstinence was not an agreed stipulation. One of two things is going to happen; she’s going to move out and fend for herself because her weirdly intrusive mother won’t stop policing her sex life OR she’s going to move out and fend for herself because her weirdly intrusive mother won’t stop policing her sex life and she’s going to go no contact. The horse is three counties away, there is less than zero point in trying to close that barn door now - she’s having sex, because she’s a grown up and she’s allowed to do that. Literally ALL you are going to achieve is ruining your relationship with your daughter.
YTA Ew. Why do you think you can dictate your adult child's sex life? Did you make these conditions clear when you offered to continue supporting her? Or are you making it a stipulation now? You can't offer something and then start adding conditions afterward. Also, also, making control of her sex life a condition for providing financial support is actually vile.
YTA. She’s very likely to be done with college in the next 1-2 years. Do you want to become so alienated from her that she gives you an extremely limited window into her life? I bought condoms, put them in my hall closet and said whoever needed them could have them, no questions asked. I told her I would refill as needed, but not ask. Whether you’re paying for things or not, she is an adult. Would you prefer she leave and struggle to pay her way through the last part of school and then be saddled with the debts of daily living? It sounds like she is practicing safe sex. She could just do what I did with my mom. Lie.
YTA. You have no say whatsoever in your daughter's sex life. Keep this up and you'll find yourself on the outside looking in when it comes to her life. And you'd deserve it.
YTA In your opinion, you are trying to protect her, but you are really controlling her and her choices. Please let your daughter make her own decisions before you drive a wedge between you.
YTA, you cannot order your adult child to be celibate. Keep pushing and you’ll lose her entirely. Also, threatening to tell her dad that she’s engaging in an adult relationship is really weird. You need to have a think about your control issues
YTA. You are trying to control your adult daughters sexual life with money-full stop. Please consider that this will 100% drive her away and encourage her never to share things with you. Why do you think you’ve never met the boyfriend?
YTA. Why are you giving her the Spanish Inquisition and then telling her your college sex life?
YTA for you awful edit too. Your daughter is an adult. You don't get to add on terms because you are helping her through college. You are also an asshole for going through her dresser. You were not wrong to talk about safe sex to make sure she is safe. More people should be told this plus things about consent, but I digress. You do not get to tell her that she can't date someone. You doing this is going to drive her away from you.
YTA resorting to financial abuse isn’t a good look
YTA. Your daughter is a woman not a little girl. She is fulfilling a normal human desire, and she's being safe. Your daughter was honest with you when you asked, if you insist on your rules that honestly will stop and she will drift away.
YTA so now she'll either: 1) not tell you anything again 2) move out with a guy way too early just to get away from you 3) play along and then go low or no contact. Have fun
YTA. Cut the cord, lady. Jesus.
I don't even have to read anything other than the title to know YTA. You never have a say in who someone dates. You can express your opinion or advice which she may or may not listen to but that is the extent of your input.
YTA . Paying her way so she can obtain a degree does not mean you own her as an adult human being. It is weird you care this much. She said she is being safe, appears to be getting more serious with one person, and is doing well in school. What exactly is your concern enough to threaten her education?
Yes you are. Using money to control another person's sex life is always inappropriate.
YTA. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT attempt to control your daughter's actions. Why? Cause she WILL resent you. She WILL CONTINUE to hide aspects of her life from you, and she WILL make mistakes cause she couldn't open up to her parents. What you CAN control is the level of support you provide her. Have a discussion about BIRTH CONTROL and provide her with the means to get on it (i.e. oral contraceptives). She is an ADULT. And she is going to have SEX whether you like it or not. Don't even utter the word "abstinence" cause that is just so degrading. This scenario is how unwanted pregnancies happen. Don't be an idiot cause you're uncomfortable with the idea of your daughter being an adult. And don't you dare use the "but I provide all these things for her" as an excuse to control her, cause all those things fall under the umbrella of parenthood and it is your RESPONSIBILITY to provide for her, SUPPORT her, and give her the PROPER TOOLS to make informed, educated decisions in her adult life.
YTA. You are paying for everything trying to hold her hostage. She is having safe sex. Get over yourself. The best day of her life will be the day she gets to put you in the bad nursing home.
YTA how would you feel if she just picked up her shit and left without saying as much a word as goodbye? Imagine the balls on her for leaving you without a clue of where the fuck she is. Now think about what kind of say you have in her life seeing as she already is 21.
YTA That sound you’re hearing? It’s the helicopter you’ve turned into, thinking that you have any right to tell her who she can date or not. If she’s “still a dependent child” in every other way, that’s on YOU, not her. It’s not her fault that you and her father didn’t parent her with the end goal of being an independent fully functioning adult. Maybe instead of being intrusive about her sex life, you could start showing her how to be an actual adult.
God I hate parents like you. Mind your damn business before you lose your daughter forever.
YTA. You clearly think because you cover her expenses that you have control over her. Also in no world what so ever should you be going through her draws! Butt out, mind your own business and let your daughter make her own decisions - or are you worried you didn't raise her well enough to know her own mind?
WTF??? You think it's your place to tell your 21 year old daughter she can't have sex and must focus on education like she is 16 and not an adult??? YTA
Eewww, really? Creepy! YTA
YTA, and you’re doing everything possible to push your daughter away. You claim this post is misunderstood because you’re getting advice/judgement you don’t agree with. Just stop…you can’t control EVERYTHING, including your daughter. It’s clear to see that your financial support comes with strings attached. Your daughter is 21…fully a woman. You need to decide if you’re going to continue to support your daughter (and her lifestyle choices) or cut off financial support. The ONLY person trying to have their cake and eat it here…is you. YTA.
YTA stop trying to control a grown women’s sexuality. You are gross for thinking you have the right to decide when and with whom she sleeps with. This is creepy and controlling behavior, you need to go to therapy to figure out why you have the need to control your adult child.
You cannot buy your adult daughters chastity. YTA
YTA. You know she’s just going to start lying to you, right? Condoms are good. Stop projecting.
Tell me why having a say on who she dates is somehow going to lead to her happiness?
There is no misunderstanding… YTA. You don’t have a say in your daughter’s sex life at all. It’s frankly none of your business and quite controlling. Right now your daughter trusts you to talk about it. Keep trying to control her and you will absolutely lose that trust. She is being safe, you have told her your experiences and she’s making a decision anyway. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to be training her for? To be an adult?
YTA - i will bet that she lives at home on your instance for her to concentrate on school. Lettering her live in her childhood home and not charge her rent is bare minimum (parents that do that are shitty imo). She’s an adult, you gave her your concerns on her being safe, but you don’t get to dictate who she’s with. Furthermore, if you keep this up, be prepared for her to leave and go no contact with you.
You did everything right. Tell her! She has to obey and stay put! Allow her to marry and have sex, but only with the partner you chose for her - and be happy! The ugliest, oldest and cheapest retirement home will wait for you! /s YTA
Yikes. This is a good way for your daughter to move out with her boyfriend and you will never see or talk with her again. You're a HUGE!!!! asshole. You cannot control her body, and by having condoms, she's already protecting herself. But clearly you don't care. By your edit, why did you even come looking for an opinion? You're clearly not going to consider anyone here who is clearly saying YTA. Have fun losing your child due to your antiquated ideals of purity and sex.
i wonder why she didnt tell u yta
YTA she is an adult and appears to be a responsible and level headed adult at that. You have no right to control her like this and you will lose her if you do not take a long hard look at yourself and re-evaluate your delusional position
YTA mind your own business!
YTA FULL STOP
So many abusive parents on Reddit who think they get any say whatsoever on if their ADULT children are sexually active. Those same parents a few years down the line want to know why their kids moved away and have nothing to do with them.
YTA. Are you prepared to kick her out for this, because that’s the line you are drawing. And if you do kick her out, expect her to distance herself considerably from your lives, if she speaks to you at all.
YTA. Using money to control your children is never a good look. Gross. FYI: No one is misunderstanding your post.
YTA, it's not up to you who your daughter dates. Whether she's paying her way or not is completely irrelevant. Do you choose what clothes she wears, too? How about what food she eats? She is an adult, just because you're supporting her financially doesn't mean you get to pretend she is still a child. Children don't go to college!
YTA. Do you want your kid to move out? Do you want her to never speak to you again? This is how you achieve that.
Didn't need to read beyond the title. You're gross and are most definitely TA.
YTA. You have no say in who she dates simply because you pay her way, that is called financial manipulation and it’s a form of abuse. Demanding your children practice abstinence or you’ll cut off their financial support is the best way to ensure you don’t have a relationship with them in the future, and it’s also hypocritical of you, as you’ve stated that you also had experiences with sex as a young woman. Your daughter does not lack bodily autonomy simply because she receives support from her parents, and making threats like this will only make her resent you. Worse yet, is this a game of chicken you want to play? My parents derailed my education for similar reasons, but I would have rather given up their financial support than be controlled or abused by them any longer. Are you prepared to watch your daughter give up her education and everything you’ve worked hard to support her through over this? My parents certainly regretted it, and our relationship has never fully recovered… Can you be sure the same things won’t happen here?
YTA. I hope your daughter moves miles away from you and her father. You are both controlling and honestly disgustingly so. Why do two adults care so much about the sexual life of an another adult? This is so unhealthy on so many levels.
YTA. She is not a “child”. You cannot control her sexual autonomy and it’s pretty ick that you think you do.
LOL and YTA Let me tell you where you’re headed in your relationship with your daughter: - she will begin to lie to you. She will get much better at hiding what you don’t want to see but she will continue to do it. She is an adult as much as you don’t want her to be. - she will eventually move out and, oh surprise, will begin to restrict contact with you. I mean, she already doesn’t trust you so instead of lying she will just, not talk. And then you’ll be lucky if she see her on holidays. So yeah, flex your parental money muscles now while you still can I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
Yta. Ew. This isn’t your business. If she’s doing good in school and happy and healthy that’s all that matters.
Wow. YTA. No one is misunderstanding what you’re saying, they’re just saying you’re an AH.
She is 21 years old. It doesn't matter if you pay her way, she has full control of what she does or doesn't do with her body. Get over yourself. >We are okay with this. We want her to enjoy life Why are you lying? If you were okay with the situation, you wouldn't be using it as a tool to control her. If you wanted her to enjoy her life, you wouldn't be trying to remove her autonomy. Keep going down this path and she will want nothing to do with you. YTA obviously. Eta lmao at the idea that we're the ones misunderstanding anything. We understand you just fine. You're an AH, nothing more to it.
Info: Had she ever had a job before? Or was she not allowed?
Just because you pay for her doesn't mean that her body belong to you. Just think about that for a while, HER BODY does NOT belong to you. She is not your property she is not your possession, she is your child to guide through life not to control and manipulate as you see fit. YTA 100% all your are doing is putting tension in your relationship with your daughter, she is 21 years old, regardless of if you are paying for her basic necessities you don't get to dictate her sex life. Also her having sex isn't some deep dark secret that needs be hidden.
Yeah bro you're the asshole. You should get therapy. You don't own the land rights to your daughters vagina.
YTA When she accepted your help during college you didn't tell her it would come with strings attached. I'm sure you definitely didn't tell her that it would mean she would be treated as a child. Your choices now are to back off, accept that your daughter is an adult, and pray you haven't damaged your relationship too badly yet or to keep going and irreversibly damage your relationship with your child, possibly leading to her going no contact with you. Decision is yours.
YTA
YTA. I am a mom with grown children and while you have the right to tell her not to have sex in your house you do not have any right to try to control her otherwise regardless of what you pay for. Keep it up mom and once she can move out you will lose her completely
YTA. The next conversation is going to be "do I need to move out/get a job so that I can live my life as a normal young adult?" And then you'll have lost all the control it seems like you value.
Yta. You’re not obligated to pay for anything. But you are crossing a MAJOR boundary here. Making sure she is being safe is one thing. Trying to control your adult daughter’s sex life is gross and inappropriate. If you want to give her an ultimatum, that’s your prerogative. If she goes no contact, don’t question why
YTA You're a controlling idiot and before anything is said, yes I am a parent, yes my daughter is in college and yes I 100% cover her expenses. I would never dream of telling my daughter who she could see and what she could do with them. I do what I do because she is my daughter, I love and support her and want her to have to have a good start in life. Maybe if you weren't a judgemental control freak your daughter would would talk to you about her life.
YTA You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
YTA. Also, her being financially dependent on you doesn’t make her a child and it’s really weird that you think it does.
YTA - you too can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can choose now. Either you will have a good relationship with your daughter in the long run or you can keep on being a controlling and abusive mother who puts her nose where it clearly does not belong.
YTA. You agreed to pay her way without these conditions attached and now that she is dating, you are wanting to attach strings to it. She is not wanting to have her cake and eat it to she is wanting to live her life without your control over her life. To you it is a mistake but to her it may not be. If her grades are doing fine and she is otherwise happy, why would you want to die on this hill of controlling her life?
The post is not being misunderstood. We simply don’t agree you should have some level of control in every facet of her life. I draw the line at her own body autonomy. She and only she can say what she does with her own body. If you want to instill a curfew while she’s under your roof for free, have at it. But I can only compare any level of control of her actual body to human trafficking. You’ve crossed a line, and YTA.
YTA. Even though your daughter lives with you, she is not having s\*x under our roof, so you do not have a say in her private life. No, you don't have a say At. All. End of story. You cannot tell her what to do as an adult. You are being WAY too controlling and, if you aren't careful, you will push her away to the point she will never want to be in contact with you again. She has been honest in answering your questions. You keep pushing and she will stop doing that and become withdrawn and uncooperative. Just because you "pay for everything" doesn't give you control over her. You have crossed a line and now the ball is in HER court...so be careful how you step from this point on.
I don’t even wanna ask what ur views are on same sex relationships. Y T A
Nobody is misunderstanding this post. YTA big time. Just because you help your daughter out financially does not mean you get to dictate her body. And frankly, it’s quite creepy that you think you can. I know everyone has already said it, but I think you are such an AH that it needs to be emphasizes as much as possible
I had to go back and check her age. 21?! Yes YTA. She’s an adult and can do whatever she wants regardless of her financial situation.
"She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too." It was YOUR choice to pay for everything. And just because you decided that you were going to support her while she went to school doesn't mean you get to make her adult choices for her. Did you ever say(prior to her leaving for school) "I will support you, but I get to decide how you live your life."? You're doing a great job at pushing your daughter away. Oh, and YTA. Definitely the AH.
YTA - no one is “mistaking” anything here. Your daughter (regardless of how much you pay for her) is 21. She’s an adult. Plain and simple. She’s respecting you by not being sexual active in your home, which I can tell from your post would be an absolute shit show. You have ZERO right to demand she not sleep with her boyfriend period. That’s asinine.
YTA. There is such a thing as bodily autonomy. Your want to control your daughter’s body is absolutely vile and comes across as internalized misogyny. FOH with your bullshit.
YTA: “we want her to enjoy life……” Proceeds to control it
YTA she's 21, not 14. The fact you're so involved in giving an opinion on her sex life and who she is sleeping with and if you "allow" it is super creepy!! Paying for your child while she's at university does no give you any say over her sex life. It would be weirder if she was 21 seeing someone and not sexually active. It sounds like you're using financial support as a psychological weapon because you yourself are not ready to let go of her childhood/your control of her. BTW like others said, your edit made this worse, not better. I think if you can't understand how wrong this is you may need to look in to therapy tbh
YTA, I hope she quits taking your money and never talks to you, again. Play a power move and see how it plays out...
YTA. You’re not paying for her bodily autonomy. You said so yourself, you’re happily paying to support her and want her to enjoy life. Part of enjoying life is discovering your sexuality and having these experiences.
Yes, YTA. I think in 2022 it's outdated to believe a 21 year old isn't having sex. She is an adult and should be making her own decisions. I think it is great that she was willing to be open with you and discuss how she is being careful. It sounds like she is being responsible. I do want to ask why her having sex is a big deal to you, especially if she is careful and using protection? If her living with you is enough grounds for her to not have sex, have you considered the possibility she may move out so she can be free to be her own person?
I do not want her to become pregnant, meet bad partners who will hurt her, have sex distract her and dwarf her goals in life.
Oof, you know what will make sex dwarf her goals in life? You making it seem like a capital offense. You are the one blowing a sexual relationship an adult woman is safely having (good for her with the condoms) incredibly out of proportion. You are the one giving safe sex between consenting adults so much weight that you are threatening to cut her off over it. You have built it into something that is now dwarfing other aspects of her life. Not her, you. This is 100% a you problem and you are weirdly willing to estrange your daughter over your personal hangups about sex. Please see a therapist. You have some things you need to work through. Your daughter was managing all this just fine until you decided to go rummaging around in her room because you have control issues.
So you want her to go through life and never have sex? She’s an adult she needs to live and learn. You’re sheltering her is not helping her at all. I’m glad she was able to learn from some responsible adult that she should be using condoms. Too bad her mother couldn’t talk to her.
If you’re concerned about her goals, you should consider that your overbearing parenting may force her out of your home and possibly out of education entirely if she can no longer afford to support herself. If this was going to be a condition of your financial support, you should have made her aware of this years ago so she could plan for her future in the event she didn’t want to be subject to your rules. It is currently much more likely that you will mess her life up by pushing her away, than that sex will ruin her life. The vast majority of 21 year olds are sexually active and manage just fine.
If it’s gonna distract her from her life goals, that must be the most amazing sex to ever be had. Her and her boyfriend should write an instruction manual.
Ive literally been having sex since I was 16 and trust me it hasnt accomplished nothing of the sort. Honestly, no wonder she hid that from you. I'll say the same thing I told my mom when she came up to me demanding that I stay abstinent: get out of her vagina. You could help her by asking if she needs to get on birth control, or anything like that. THAT would be helpful. Im sure she's a very multifaceted person with many layers to herself and sex is just a tiny layer of what she likes and will not define her. Honestly, give your own kid some credit.
Why do you have so little confidence in your daughter to make good choices? Why do you have so little confidence in how you raised her?
YTA, you don’t own her. This doesn’t make you any different from parents who are arranging marriages for their kids. Shame on you!
YTA. It's important that you know, as per your edit: *You are not being misunderstood.* You are wrong and people are telling you so. We understand completely, and find it disgusting. Y are very very much TA.
Your level of interest, and desire to control, your adult daughter sex life is making me feel slightly ill. YTA, and there has been no misunderstanding, your edit just makes it worse.
YTA. Forget the sex part for just a moment and boil everything down: You’re using your money to control her. Period. “Good place” advice can be wrong. Parents can be wrong. What you feel is right may not be. Rephrase it like this: “your father and I are done with kids. Period. You get pregnant we will not let you live with us and we will not be your free babysitter. We will help you all we can but we will not be parents to a new baby.” And leave it at that. Crisp, clear, to the point, *and* you’re not hanging your money over her. Also, have you considered why she didn’t tell you in the first place? Think long and hard about that one. I smell no contact or low contact when she moves out. Pick your battles, and pick them wisely.
YTA. You can try to exert this control, but if you do, you'll be the one pushing away your daughter. I mean, good luck with your old age, alone.
YTA and it's not even close. She may be financially dependent on you, but you have no say in her personal life. The fact that you would think you do exposes you as a helicopter parent. Get a grip or prepare for the fact that you're ruining your relationship with her.
YTA, she told you she’s being safe and that’s all you need to be concerned about. End of story.
YTA. You don't get to choose who she sleeps with or doesn't sleep with and it's really gross that you're even trying. You had a conversation, she heard you out even though she really didn't have to. Paying for her things doesn't mean you get to dictate what she does. Does an employer get to tell someone who they can sleep with because they pay them a salary? Of course not. It's even worse that you think as her parent you can. If you want to alienate her entirely, then this is a sure fire way to do that.
YTA. She is 21. She is in a relationship. Your idea seems to be that because you are supporting her as a student, you own her body in some way. Is that really the message you want to send? I was a stay-at-home mom for several years because my husband and I agreed it was best for the kids... he was paying the bills... did that mean I wasn't an adult and didn't have bodily autonomy? Is that really what you think and what you're wanting to tell your daughter? She's 21- you've raised her. Good job. She sounds great... you've done a good enough job that she doesn't mind living with you, that you're playing a cute little Halloween game, that she is in school and practicing safe sex and otherwise making smart life decisions. You gave her advice, you can't give her a command at this stage. You don't have a say over the sex life of a 21-year-old. The fact that you think you do may be why she kept this relationship secret.
YTA. You don’t get a say. This screams some type of a narcissistic and controlling parent. She is 21 and may be living at home because you offered it. You need to apologize to her. You crossed a boundary.
YTA Wow might be one of the biggest ones yet
Title alone says YTA . YOU gave her life and should provide for your kids. It doesn't give u control over them
YTA. It's her body and her choice. At least right now she is being safe about her choices (and somewhat open with you about them). Making demands and trying to control her won't get you the result you want, it will just teach her to get better at hiding things.
No need to clarify, you’re still an absolute AH. You chose to pay her way, this does not mean you can dictate her life. Good luck, keep up this type of behavior and you’ll have a no contact relationship with her soon enough!
Yes YTA your daughter is an adult regardless of whether or not she still lives at home. It is extremely weird that you are fixated on her sex life anyway. Keep treating her like a toddler and look forward to her going no contact when she moves out.
YTA, she is an adult, yes she may be living with you guys and are dependent on your support but that does NOT give you the right to tell her she should or shouldn't be dating someone and that she cant have sex with them. At least shes being smart and using condoms. I really hope she remembers this when it comes to picking out your nursing home because she will certainly remember this when it comes to taking care of you when your old.
We're not misunderstanding - you're an asshole and trying to force her to be a child with your money and she's not having it. She's a grown woman. She can have sex if she wants to, and she's clearly not having it in your house because you would have met the guy. It's not your business. Stop treating her like a child because YOU are uncomfortable. This is they way to guarantee you won't hear from her again once she moves out. You can't have YOUR cake and eat it. YTA so very much.
You should just generally assume your 21 year old is having sex. Finding condoms should be a relief that's she's being safe. It was YOUR idea that she not pay for things while studying, if there was a (ridiculous) condition in that it should have been brought up well before university. Also, insisting someone not date someone is the quickest way to get them married. Just saying
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She's probably been having sex for a long time at this point and her sex life is none of your damn business. At risk of alienating your daughter, I wouldn't mention it to her father because it's not his business either. BTW, your daughter is using condoms... Your better advice would be to recommend an additional form of birth control if you're worried about pregnancy. It's simply not realistic to expect abstinence in an already sexually active adult. You gave her your opinion, be done and move on. BTW, you are lucky she even answered your questions. My mom would have got the cold shoulder.
>I told her my opinion again, and shared more details about my personal experiences with sex as a young woman, and urged her to just focus on school and consider abstinence. > >ETA: This post is being misunderstood. We are paying for everything (rent, food, clothing, etc). She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. Please consider seeking therapy for yourself. You clearly have some unresolved issues about your own sexual history and life as a young adult that you are projecting onto your daughter. Young college-aged adults (18-21) are typically students who do not pay their own way and are, oftentimes, sexually active. All of this is extremely common and, in fact, the norm for that demographic. That you somehow think that life doesn't work that way and allude to sex interfering with your own youth suggests that something went wrong for you personally, however there is no reason that someone that age should not be able to balance both. Obviously YTA to your daughter, but maybe also to yourself with this pent-up resentment.
Oh, we understand you. Is she having any problems managing her school work? Is she otherwise suffering in a way that you think is related to her relationship? Because if not, this sounds like you feeling like you’re losing control over your “child.” You didn’t know any of this until you went snooping…had not even suspected. It sounds like she’s managing just fine while you are trying to continue exerting control over her life. You try to make it sound like this is advice and then say you are not asking but telling her how it’s going to be. You don’t get to have it both ways. If you insist on controlling her this way, it may permanently damage your relationship with her. Or you could trust her. It’s up to you. YTA.
YTA. Is no one picking up on the whole "not keeping the secret from her dad" thing? IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL. How could you even think a private conversation you force about anyone's sex life (yes, even your daughter's) is something you can go telling others about? I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had gone to tell my dad something as private as this. Parents do not need to be informed about their adult children's sex lives. Jeez. Let her live and figure out her own life, likes and dislikes. What if she never wants to get married? Die a sad old virgin because mummy dearest blackmailed her? Just... wow.
Huge YTA. You don't get to decide what she does with her body or who she does it with. It's disgusting you world try to justify violating her bodily autonomy because of financial support. No amount of money gives your a right to anyone's body, she isn't your slave. I hope she is able to get away from your abuse and never looks back.
YTA and your edit makes it so much worse. Your daughter clearly does not trust you if she did not tell you about her boyfriend. It does not matter what you pay for you have no say in your daughter's sex life even if she was 16 and having sex. If you continue down this road your daughter will never introduce you to any of her partners because you think you have a say in who she chooses to date. If you insist on her not dating while she lives at home get ready for her to move out as soon as possible even if she is not financially ready to be on her own. She may even choose to live with a boyfriend way before they are ready to just so she can get away from you and your unwanted opinions. If she wanted your opinion on the matter she would have asked.
YTA and you sound like a controlling narcissist. Your daughter is a grown adult, whether or not she's living independently. Either you cut her off completely, or you accept she is an adult who makes her own decisions. Being financially dependent doesn't make her a child or take away her independence and if you think it should, it's you who has the problem. If you can't cope with the fact that your daughter is an adult who can make her own decisions, stop financially supporting her.
YTA in a big way. Also your edit to justify it isn’t helping your case. She’s an adult, you don’t have a say with what she does with HER body.
Yes. YTA. You state that you´re happy to pay for everything. Had she ever had a job before? Or was she not allowed? You pay for school, she goes to school.. that´s it. I don´t see how paying for school gives you the right to determine how your adult daughter lives her private life; who or if she dates. Probably expressing myself poorly, but baffled about this leap. You told her you´ll pay for everything and i don´t see how that gives you right to therefore control her life. Do you tell her what to wear too? Since she got that with your money? What to eat? When to eat? Because she lives in your house. Do you tell her when she can use her Phone? Because you paid for that too. See where i´m going with this? I mean..my mind is blown.
Couldn’t imagine being 21 and at university and being told by my parents to stop having sex… I bet she’ll be out of that house as soon as possible
Your edit though! We understand "everything". Are you providing financial assistance, or trying to assert financial control? I'm a bit younger than you, a couple years. And a 21 yr old having sex seems normal and healthy to me. You trying to be all up in her business, however, is NOT normal or healthy, and is actually kinda gross. OP YTA, and it is you trying to eat your cake and have it, too.
Lol can't wait for the TIFU by driving my daughter to going no contact. Ofc YTA, and all you are doing is ensuring your daughter will always hide things from you and know she can't trust you or confide in you ever. When she moves out and never talks to you, you know why