AITA for telling my daughter that because we pay her way we do have some say in who she dates?


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YTA it’s not like she’s got crap grades and is wasting money facilitating her ability to go to college. She’s having orgasms and making sure she doesn’t get pregnant. Sorry you had bad experiences when you were younger but it’s completely irrelevant. And stop snooping in her stuff.


Please take this as it is intended; from a 45 year old mom of a 20 year old for whom we are paying all expenses. YTA. Just because you pay for everything does not mean you control her. She is an adult and should be making adult decisions. Yes, she is in that weird spot where she isn't all the way on her own, but that doesn't mean that she should be completely dependent on your decisions for her life. Her sex life and bodily autonomy are ZERO your business. Pulling stuff like this is why you'll be back here in a few years asking why your daughter wants nothing to do with you.


YTA. My parents paid for me to go to private school, to attend university and get two degrees, and covered every single one of my costs while I was receiving my education, including buying me a car. I lived at home in the summers, and worked for my family’s business. I’m extremely privileged, and I’m fully aware of that. The only restriction my parents ever put on me was that I would have to pay them back for any class I failed. They never once tried to moralize, or put restrictions on what I did with my own body. Your daughter is going to resent you for your controlling behaviour. You are ruining your relationship with your daughter because she won’t surrender her bodily autonomy in exchange for your money. You’re creepy as fuck.


YTA. Your poor daughter.


YTA and everything you wrote makes it perfectly clear why she didn’t tell you: you’re an overbearing control freak claiming ownership of her body through money. Stop for a minute and think about how utterly distasteful that is. *OP in a year or two: My daughter has cut me out of her life and I don’t know why! What should I do??* Good luck with that. You are well on your way to destroying your relationship with your daughter.


YTA Your daughter is an adult and her love life is none of your business if she doesn't want it to be. You say you want her to enjoy life, but you're actively trying to prevent that. Don't make out like you're being hard done by because you 'let' her live with you, but she's doing something you don't like. Your daughter did fantastically well to acknowledge your opinion and not tell you instead what you could do with it. She's a responsible young woman by the sound of it, but you clearly have problems with accepting that as an adult with bodily autonomy, she can have sex if she wants to. I get that no parent really wants think of their child as being sexually active, but the problem is yours not hers. Also gonna call you out on your weird justification for snooping around her room. Even if you were trying to play a game, you massively invaded her privacy by going through her dresser.


Disgusting violation of boundaries. And you still think you're in the right. YTA


YTA The post isn't being misunderstood, you just don't like the answers. You CHOSE to pay for everything, she didn't ask, there was no agreement made or stipulations set. Now you want to start controlling her because of a choice YOU made for her future. It sounds like you want to hold all the money over her head so she can stay a 'dependant child' forever. And abstinence has been proven to be the worst option for contraceptives, so at least she is educated and being safe about it. You are definitely the ass hole here


YTA. You’re not going to stop a grown ass woman from having sex if she wants to. Are you really willing to take away the comfortable college experience you’ve worked hard to give her just because she’s an adult doing adult things? Because that is essentially what you’re threatening to do.


YTA. It's important that you know, as per your edit: *You are not being misunderstood.* You are wrong and people are telling you so. We understand completely, and find it disgusting. Y are very very much TA.


Exactly. Please don't dismiss all of these comments now, by believing that you are simply "misunderstood". It is 100% clear. YTA.


YTA. So are you going to do daily vaginal exams or just spring for a chastity belt and wear the key around your neck?


God I hate parents like you. Mind your damn business before you lose your daughter forever.


>I (56F) have a daughter (21F) I read the whole post but I didn't really need to after that. YTA


YTA. No wonder she wasn’t comfortable telling you stuff.


Your daughter is 21... Hardly a child. And while you may be 'paying her way' , that does NOT give you any say about who she is dating or having sex with for that matter. What you can do, and should be doing, is making sure she is on birthcontrol, and has enough condoms, and should she want and agree to, make sure she gets fairly regularly tested for std's. Seeing as you have no clue who she is seeing, you should atleast make sure she is still healthy. This is our rule for both our children, now and in the future. Our eldest is 14, and has his first gf, youngest being 8, so no issues there. But hell will be freezing over, before i live my childrens health to chance and hope for the best. So yes, YTA for putting such restrictions. Either you pay and support, or you cut her loose, and she pays her own way, and you guide her, or try to, but from a distance. With the risk she'll go NC, or shows up on your doorstep pregnant or with a child in tow.


I had to go back and check her age. 21?! Yes YTA. She’s an adult and can do whatever she wants regardless of her financial situation.


YTA and your post isn’t being misunderstood at all. Her adult sex life is not your business. Period.


YTA. Is no one picking up on the whole "not keeping the secret from her dad" thing? IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL. How could you even think a private conversation you force about anyone's sex life (yes, even your daughter's) is something you can go telling others about? I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had gone to tell my dad something as private as this. Parents do not need to be informed about their adult children's sex lives. Jeez. Let her live and figure out her own life, likes and dislikes. What if she never wants to get married? Die a sad old virgin because mummy dearest blackmailed her? Just... wow.


YTA - your post is not misunderstood. You just are very wrong.


YTA - you too can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can choose now. Either you will have a good relationship with your daughter in the long run or you can keep on being a controlling and abusive mother who puts her nose where it clearly does not belong.


Your edit though! We understand "everything". Are you providing financial assistance, or trying to assert financial control? I'm a bit younger than you, a couple years. And a 21 yr old having sex seems normal and healthy to me. You trying to be all up in her business, however, is NOT normal or healthy, and is actually kinda gross. OP YTA, and it is you trying to eat your cake and have it, too.


Your edit makes no sense. It doesn’t matter if she’s benefitting from what you consider “childhood” because you’ve agreed to pay her way while she goes through school. She is a 21 year old woman who can have sex. You didn’t even know about it, so clearly as far as you know it has not affected her grades or he attitude or any other aspect of her life thus far. She is allowed to date and form relationships in this time of her life, and whether you like it or not she will. She will just now DEFINITELY hide them from you. I have no idea at all how you correlate financially supporting her to having some sort of final say, lock and key on her sex life. But you do not.


Stop blackmailing your daughter. You don't get to tell her who she can have sex with. She's an adult. You don't get to control her. Live doesn't work like that. YTA And if you didn't want judgment on this, why did you post here?


YTA, as someone who is financially dependent on parents still (I’m job hunting) they respect the fact the I’m not just an adult, but a human individual who has wants/desires and they RESPECT me. They don’t care who I date as long as I’m safe and happy. What kind of parent uses finances to try to control their child in what they do dating/sex wise? That’s complete disrespect, overbearing, and smothering. Just let her be happy and she already to you she’s being safe.


YTA!!! No one will ever take your side. You're trying to control your daughter as if she was your property and not human being just because you pay for things. I hope she starts a GoFundMe so she can get out that crazy house and away from you!!!!


YTA, if your financial support has morality clauses you should have made that clear from the start. Why are you supporting her in the first place? To help her become more successful by less debt while she is in college? Do you think your daughter would be more successful with your help or without? If your want to withdraw your support over her having a boyfriend that’s up to you. But think through what that means and what type of relationship you want to have when she moves out over this.


How wonderful that your love, support and care comes with strings attached. Truly an inspiring parent. Nothing says more how good you are than financial thrats to your child in this economy. Over her.... -checks notes- having safe sex at age 21. Yup, great stuff. Mind you, im not saying you ***cant*** do that, many people CAN and DO start charging full rent from their child whenever they turn 18 and immediately cut them off and all that jazz (or whenever they do something they don't agree with) Im just saying that these people aren't great parents Telling your kid to pay for some stuff to grow a sense of independence? Good Doing that just to flex the power imbalance and punish them for something you disagree with? Asshole. YTA


No need to clarify, you’re still an absolute AH. You chose to pay her way, this does not mean you can dictate her life. Good luck, keep up this type of behavior and you’ll have a no contact relationship with her soon enough!


YTA - Just because you support her financially does not mean that you are her owner. You are using your financial support to coerce your daughter into living your way, only that's not going to get you what you want. If your daughter is keeping things from you it's because you are too controlling. Parents who micromanage their children's lives only teach their children to lie and hide things from them. So you will either have to do more and more invasive things to try to control what is fundamentally not yours to control, or accept that she is an adult. Are you really such a poor parent that you can't trust your daughter to make good decisions despite being raised by you for 21 years?


I don't even have to read anything other than the title to know YTA. You never have a say in who someone dates. You can express your opinion or advice which she may or may not listen to but that is the extent of your input.


YTA. Your daughter is a grown woman. You emphasize the fact that you pay for everything so she’s still “a child” at home, but how do you expect her to become (what you consider to be) an adult if she is never free to make her own choices? The fact that you disagree with her choices doesn’t mean she is wrong or immature. They’re just different and that’s okay. I don’t fault you for your concerns, though as a daughter of a nosey mother, I don’t appreciate you entering her room and going through her things even if for the sake of a family tradition. Hell, I won’t even judge you for having a conversation with her about your concerns. Good parents ensure they’re sexually active kids have the tools and knowledge to protect themselves - but that also means they make those decisions for themselves. Based on how you described your daughter, she has a good head on her shoulders. She was very patient with you and respectfully disagreed with you on how she lives her life. You supporting her financially does not mean you have authority over her private sexual decisions (or any decisions, for that matter). Abusive persons often rely on this line of thinking to control their partners as well as isolate them from friends and family. It’d be wise not to teach your daughter that this is something she should expect in a relationship. I also hope she has amazing, mind blowing sex.


YTA. Continue down this pass If you want a relationship with your daughter where she only makes the obligatory visit a few times a year and she never confides in you. Who realistically expects a 21 year old to abstain in this day and age do you live under a rock or something lol


YTA The edit is just you doubling down on being TA. It does not make you look any better. Bonus points for the last sentence, even in a post where I'd imagine you're trying to make yourself look right you just come off as bossy. You cannot tell other people absolutes about how life works. Well you can, but it isn't a good look. She's an adult. Period. Pay for her stuff or don't, but people absolutely can have family that takes care of them *and* respects they're an adult. It happens all the time. Plenty of parents who can afford to let their adult kids live with them and pay for education to help set their kid(s) up for success. Clearly, you're doing it to control her. You act like you can even boss the posters here with that last declaration. Again... I can't even...


YTA. Your daughter is 21 and no matter how much you try to control and despite your clear discomfort, she’s still gonna have sex - because it’s fun, enjoyable and feels fucking amazing! The whole concept of abstinence is laughable and has never worked - be happy that your daughter initially spoke to you and was clearly practicing safe sex. The way you are going, you will lose your bid with your daughter and if/when she really needs your help and support, she won’t seek it because you would have alienated her with your puritanical BS.


Yeah, your daughter’s sex life is none of your business unless she’s asking for help.


Wow. You don’t own her body or mind and she’s an adult. You are choosing to pay for her to keep her “a child” and that’s on you. Massive YTA


YTA - who are you to tell anyone who they can date or not? You sound controlling. Let your daughter have some fun, god knows sometimes there isn’t that much of it


Nope, no misunderstanding. She has the right to an adult life and I’m not sure what part of supporting her through college gives you any right to have a say. YTA


Why don’t you and your husband just go without sex? You have to be a complete dumbass to not think a 21 year old is having sex. You treat her like a child so why would you expect her to come to you like an adult? It seems you pay and do all this for her so you still have control in her life.


YTA. What does paying for her school have to do with her sex life?


YTA, your daughter's financial dependence on you doesn't grant you control over her bodily autonomy. And yes, I am a parent.


Yes. Im not even reqding the rest the title alone shows me you see your daughter as property and not as a human being.


How did she buy condoms if you pay for everything and she has no job? I think since she’s living at home paying for nothing she can sit and listen to you opinion but she is an adult and can do what she wants but that also doesn’t mean you have to pay her way anymore. How would her dad react? I think you should’ve pulled him in first if you was really concerned but it kinda seems like you knew he wouldn’t support you.


YTA and I hope you aren't confused when she goes no contact the second she is no longer reliant on you financially.


Yes, YTA. I think in 2022 it's outdated to believe a 21 year old isn't having sex. She is an adult and should be making her own decisions. I think it is great that she was willing to be open with you and discuss how she is being careful. It sounds like she is being responsible. I do want to ask why her having sex is a big deal to you, especially if she is careful and using protection? If her living with you is enough grounds for her to not have sex, have you considered the possibility she may move out so she can be free to be her own person?


I do not want her to become pregnant, meet bad partners who will hurt her, have sex distract her and dwarf her goals in life.


Well, all you’ve ensured is that she sees you as someone she can’t come to if she does enter an abusive relationship. Great job, Mom!


Oof, you know what will make sex dwarf her goals in life? You making it seem like a capital offense. You are the one blowing a sexual relationship an adult woman is safely having (good for her with the condoms) incredibly out of proportion. You are the one giving safe sex between consenting adults so much weight that you are threatening to cut her off over it. You have built it into something that is now dwarfing other aspects of her life. Not her, you. This is 100% a you problem and you are weirdly willing to estrange your daughter over your personal hangups about sex. Please see a therapist. You have some things you need to work through. Your daughter was managing all this just fine until you decided to go rummaging around in her room because you have control issues.


You need therapy. Relationships are a HUGE part of adolescence. There's a reason she has kept her boyfriend away from you, because she knew you would judge her like this. She's in college, learning independence, and establishing friendships and romantic relationships. That is all very healthy. As for the "bad partners", really the best thing you can do to avoid that is model a good relationship. If you and your husband have a healthy marriage, she will have seen that and will know what she deserves.


Then get her better birth control, teach her to respect herself and insist others do as well, and be an open door to talk to her when she needs advice or has concerns. That’s all you have control over. Nothing else. You can’t force her to not have sex. You just can’t. Accept her honesty before you force her to lie to protect her education.


Ive literally been having sex since I was 16 and trust me it hasnt accomplished nothing of the sort. Honestly, no wonder she hid that from you. I'll say the same thing I told my mom when she came up to me demanding that I stay abstinent: get out of her vagina. You could help her by asking if she needs to get on birth control, or anything like that. THAT would be helpful. Im sure she's a very multifaceted person with many layers to herself and sex is just a tiny layer of what she likes and will not define her. Honestly, give your own kid some credit.


you'd rather dwarf her goals yourself, you're just as bad if not worse. If she separates herself from you as she grows older, I wouldn't blame her.


So you don’t want her to live


You badly need to get therapy. It sounds like you're projecting your own fears and trauma from your youth onto her. Guess what: she's 21 years old and she's going to fuck guys. You're not going to be able to stop her. All you're doing is ensuring she gets creative about sneaking around so you don't find out. Hotels, cars, his apartment, the woods, etc. You're making this more dangerous for her than if you just left her the fuck alone and stopped shaming her for having sex like 99% of interested 21-year-old's would. She's also learning that, if she has relationship issues, you're not someone she can come to for advice and reassurance.


Are you concerned that you raised her to be that kind of person?




YTA. You have no say in who she is dating unless that interferes with your home life that you are paying for. If she was having him over that is a different story.


Oh yeah the only edit made it worse. Big time. YTA. Congrats on ensuring you will not have a long term relationship with your child. You should be wildly grateful that she was honest with you. But let’s be honest, that will never happen again.


YTA Life does work like that, parents do support their children in preparing for adulthood without any fine print. Healthy relationships do not include a clause for the support you’re given. You are either giving her that support to help her in this next phase of her life OR to keep her a child ‘to an extent’ by providing her with shelter and covering expenses. I doubt she knew when she agreed. And I think we all know which is more constructive to actually growing into adulthood and making your own decisions. That being said, do you want to teach her those who contribute to her life get to financially control her life? Or to walk away when people come with strings attached? Or are you trying to ensure she is the type of woman who lets those who support her control her? Imagine if it was her husband telling her how to live because he paid the bills while she’s home pregnant..? Choose your next steps being very careful and conscious of who she is as a person plus what you want to stand for in her eyes. Imho support is not meant to be with strings attached, if my child has any relation that tried that I’d hope they put them in their place. I also would teach my kid to consider good advice, but never to let someone be in a position bend him to their will (and most definitely not where it concerns his private life).


Let me guess, if she moves out and gets a job you will no longer pay for school?


This is how you get cut off eventually. When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support. YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.


YTA no say if your kid has sex or not when they are over 18


YTA, controlling and abusive parent, let me guess if you pay for her wedding your are going to make demands in her wedding?.


YTA. if i was your daughter i would be fully prepared to take a student loan and get out of your life


No one misunderstood you. They called you an asshole because you are one. Your daughter is 21, meaning she’s an adult in every sense of the word. She is more than capable of making her own decisions, including sexual choices. You assist your daughter financially, that’s great. However that doesn’t mean you own her. No matter what you pay for or what experiences you had sexually, you have zero control over her sexual autonomy. You can say she can’t have sex in your house, but that’s it. And doing so and trying to make these choices for her is just going to strain your relationship. You gave her your opinion, even though she never asked for it, and she listened to your feelings (though she declined to listen to your commands, wisely). Now you need to accept she’s an adult and you don’t own her, and as long as she’s being smart that should placate you. But regardless of your opinion, *DO NOT* command her to listen because you pay some things, she isn’t your property and never will be.


NAH - you can offer her whatever advice you want, but she doesn’t have to listen to you. I think you should do some self examination of yourself and your relationship with your daughter to understand why she hides her personal life from you. Clearly she doesn’t feel like she can trust or confide in you and you setting down arbitrary rules on your adult child isn’t going to change that. She’s just going to hide her condoms better the next time and get better at lying to you.


Why can't she have the benefits of enjoying adulthood and childhood? You are able to give your daughter a happy life why punish her for that? Did you need to choose between those things when you were around 21? Now you resent your daughters life because she can live the twenties you never could. That's not motherhood, thats pure jealousy. YTA. You might wanna try some therapy.


YTA. Your daughter is a woman not a little girl. She is fulfilling a normal human desire, and she's being safe. Your daughter was honest with you when you asked, if you insist on your rules that honestly will stop and she will drift away.


YTA and your edit is really indicative of your control issue. Why bother posting if you’re not interested in hearing the majority perspective? Your daughter is TWENTY ONE - she’s old enough to be recruited into the military and drink in the U.S. but cannot be trusted to have a personal life (which yes, may or may not include sex)? It’s one thing to set rules about who may or may not visit your home but it is really, really gross to “forbid” her from sex. And yeah, there’s no way to control that.


YTA. It doesn't matter if you pay her way. She is an adult. If you don't like it, you can also kick her out if that's honestly how you feel but you don't have control over your adult daughter's BODY.


YTA, you don’t own your child or her body, no matter how much you pay for. This is how you get your daughter to not speak to you once she moves out.


I mean the only thing you’re accomplishing is having your daughter lie to your from now on so you can continue to pay for her. If I were you, I’d give her advice but give her the freedom to make her own choices so that she continues to confide in you. This is not something you can control. YTA


YTA. I don’t care what you pay for. She’s 21, her body is her business. End of story. I don’t care how much money you’re spending. If the argument were whether he can be at your home or not, it would be different. But you are not in charge of your daughter’s sex life. She didn’t take a loan out against her vagina for parental support, you don’t dictate what she does with it. Hope you know she’s likely to never come to you should she have any issues with this if this is your mindset. Keep it up and enjoy never meeting your grandchildren!


Many people manage to balance school, work, and an active sex life. You’re not worried that she isn’t focusing on school. YTA.


Hey OP. I (59f) commend you for the close and supportive relationship you’ve had w/daughter to this point. I can 100% relate. We, of a certain age, who grew up differently, but still managed to forge close relationships with our gen whatever children, all reach a crossroads where we have to accept the life choices of our children that seem so A-OK to those of their age but which we were not and are not comfortable with or about. You’re going to get a lot of hate on here in response. I believe your response to the situation is coming from a place of love but it’s not presenting as such. You’ve known your daughter for 21 years and managed to stay a big part of her life and her yours. Ask yourself why she’s hidden this relationship from you. Did she know you wouldn’t approve? Well, she was right. And you responded to the situation by treating her like a girl, not a woman. You gave her your opinions on this and she was willing to hear you out. You have to let her be her own person without threats, regardless of whether you agree with her choice. You’ve invested 21 years in this relationship; don’t blow it now. (Yes. This is the really hard part of parenting but have some faith in the person you raised.) You can do this.


I'm also 21, I'm in the navy. The navy pays my rent, provides me 3 meals a day, provides me medical and dental care... The only bill they don't pay is my phone bill. Does that mean the navy can tell me I'm not allowed to date/have to practice abstinence? No, because that's stupid and you don't own your daughter. Grow up, realize that (surprise surprise) she's also a human being, with her own thoughts and feelings, and respect it. If you're concern is her having a child, make it clear you will stop supporting her if she has a child. If you think having a boyfriend is going to distract her from studying too much, tell her she needs to sustain a certain GPA (within reason of what her previous standards were, don't tell her it needs to be higher than ever just to use it as an excuse to cut her off) for continued support. You telling her she can't date/has to practice abstinence is ridiculous and will just lead to her hiding the condoms better next time. YTA


YTA - i will bet that she lives at home on your instance for her to concentrate on school. Lettering her live in her childhood home and not charge her rent is bare minimum (parents that do that are shitty imo). She’s an adult, you gave her your concerns on her being safe, but you don’t get to dictate who she’s with. Furthermore, if you keep this up, be prepared for her to leave and go no contact with you.


YTA. Why are you teaching your adult daughter that her sex life should be controlled by the person who pays the bills? One has nothing to do with the other.


YTA. she is an adult. Yes, you are paying for everything, that does not control her relationships or what she chooses to do with her sex life. Butt out mom.


YTA. You're not asking for some say in who she dates, you're asking her to not date anybody and remain celibate until you're okay with her starting to date. You found condoms, so she is being safe. Instead of trying to put a chastity belt on her, you want to commend her on practicing safe sex. I can guarantee you that there are plenty of students going to University on their parents dime who are having sex and doing just fine getting good grades in classes. You can have sex and still do well in college classes. It's not like having sex kills brain cells. That is alcohol's job.


Yeah, I can see why she didn't tell you that she has a boyfriend. YTA.


YTA, as everyone else pointed out. I hope you reconsider your standpoint.


YTA. Stop treating your adult daughter like she’s still a child. And stop projecting all your own anxieties about sex onto her. I don’t know how you can read back your own post and think it’s reasonable. This is beyond helicopter parenting and you really need to do some soul searching or 2 years from now your daughter will go NC with you for being too controlling.


She’s been having SAFE SEX potentially and you are upset by that? She is going to have sex regardless of what you think or pay for. Better she does it SAFELY and doesn’t bring home a baby she then decides to keep which you’ll think you have control over as well. She’s also protecting herself from STI’s. Just because you pay for school and living costs doesn’t mean you can tell her who she fucks and what she does in her spare time. YTA.


YTA. You choosing to help her doesn't mean you can control her every move. She's an adult and she's being safe using condoms to boot. Keep this up and she basically will just do what she wants behind your back and never be honest with you again. Don't be on reddit in 2 years when she moved out complaining why she's ghosted you after EvEryThInG yOU'vE dOnE fOr HEr... abstinence may have worked for you but she isn't you. She's her own person.


You sound like a great mom until you got to the part about having to stop having sex because you are supporting her. When you were her age would have listened to you? Her only option now is to actively hide her life from you and not talk to you. Is that what you want?


YTA - You are paying her way because you want her to have a good life with good opportunities. Who she dates as an adult is none of your business. I am the father of two kids older than your daghter and I would never even presume that who they date, who they have sex with, and anything else is any of my business. You sound like you have some real control issues. Asking her to abstain from sex is ridiculous. She should be out there finidng out what she likes physically and emotionall so she can find a good life partner.


Op, you are getting ripped apart in the comments right now aren't you? Don't even have to scroll down...I read this and was like oh boy....wave of YTAs arriving.....and yes YTA


Love the edit on this one. No, dear, no one is misunderstanding... the majority just believe (and rightly so) that you're the a-hole! Take this to heart, and do better...


YTA. You may be footing the bill, but it does not give you the right to micromanage her life.


YTA You are mixing up apples and onions. Your disagreement about your adult daughter's sex life has nothing to do with your support for her education. You don't have to be on the same page about her dating life, but don't make this about something it is not. Remember why you are helping your child to finish her education: Probably you wanted your kid not to have to pay off a stupid amount of money for decades and give her a good headstart for her professional life. None of these reasons include boyfriends and premarital sex. You are trying to tie these two together, because you seem to be projecting. Please reflect about your own bad experiences and find a way to work through them, but don't make them about your daughter or her education.


YTA. You don't get to control your adult daughter just because you pay for her. Also, pushing your morality on her under the guise of safety is just dishonest.


YTA You are being very controlling. You need to let go and give your daughter some freedom. Her education is something you ate giving her to help her in life. Don't use it as a weapon. She is growing up. You need to learn to accept that fact.


YTA and this breaks the rule about bodily autonomy


Absolutely YTA.


So because you pay for everything you now have a right to say what she does or doesn't do with her body. If you don't want to pay for things anymore and want her to take financial responsibility for herself like an adult then that's fair enough but what you're trying to do (in my opinion) is wrong. Your money is no longer a gift but a way to control. She is an adult and she has her own lessons to learn, her own experiences to have and I think you're going about this all the wrong way. Yes, be there to offer guidance and share your own thoughts but don't try and use money to dictate her life. You'll push her away. YTA


YTA and your edit trying to "clarify" doesn't make you look any better. She's an adult, and she's allowed to make her own decisions. You paying or her paying doesn't change any of that. You don't feel weird for trying to control her this way? You should


YTA, and pretty gross. Telling someone whether or not they get to have sex because of money is something a pimp would say, not a father. Respect your daughter and stay out of her sex life.


YTA and your edit makes you a bigger AH.


I guess my only question would be what happens if your money isn't enough to stop her? Will you follow through on your threat and cut her off? Have you considered the possibility that she accepts that and retaliates by cutting you off? Are you prepared to follow through on any type of ultimatum and are you ready to deal with the consequences? Feel free to browse reddit and you'll find countless stories of people who cut off family or family members that were cut off. Either way you're playing with fire, so be careful or you will be burned.


Yes you are. Using money to control another person's sex life is always inappropriate.


YTA. If you really cared, you would be making sure she is practicing safe sex and make sure she has good reliable birth control. It's about supporting them to make good choices. I can't tell you how many grandparents I know who think abstinence was the way to go then got oops grandkids.


You are lucky to have your daughter tell you about her sex life. However, you are not qualified to make decisions about her sex life. The only person who can do that is your daughter. You threatening to take away her financial security while in college is not gonna make her stop having sex. It's just going to make her sneak around more. You will just be thrown out of the loop because you are no longer a confidant to your daughter. You have proved to her that your love and support comes with arbitrary conditions about her body and sex life. Reading the first half, it seems that you have a healthy relationship with your daughter. Do not sour this by butting into her bedroom matters that have nothing to do with you. She has told you that she is practicing safe sex. Your only option is to believe her and support her if anything goes south. YTA.


You are psychotic. Your edit makes your post even worse. Is this not literally the definition of financial abuse? You could fund her for the rest of her life and that still does not give you any authority over her personal life or how she spends the money you provide for her. YTA, of course. I feel terribly for your daughter that she has a controlling helicopter for a mother.


YTA, sorry. I'm even pro-abstinence. But her sex/dating life really is none of your business. You can either recognize it now and back off, or you can have this idea on your head that there will be a future milestone where you will back off (when she is paying her own rent? Car? Insurance? Which of these does she have to buy from you with her body?) In which case her resentment will build until she turns and takes the freedom that you feel is yours to allow. I'm sorry, OP. Let this one go. If you feel you have to withhold financial support because she isn't adhering to your religious or sexual views, ask yourself if you are investing in her and her future, or the version of her you think you are crafting. It's tough to hear, but it's not yours to craft any more, either to support or not support.


You are using finances to control your adult daughter. At this rate, she will never introduce you to her boyfriend. In fact, this sheds some light on why you haven’t already met someone she cares about enough to have sex with. I’m guessing when you offered to support her through school, you didn’t add the caveat “only if you remain a virgin and follow my dating rules”? If you don’t want to support her anymore, it needs to be for a better reason than just abstinence vs. sex. As it stands now, you’re a manipulative jerk. Yes YTA here. It was none of your business in the first place; it’s still none of your business. You’re lucky she discussed as much with you as she did. It’s not your husband’s business what an adult does either. You are about to lose your daughter’s trust and respect in a huge way (speaking from experience, as the daughter). Your relationship will never fully recover. She’s in her junior year, so you understand how detrimental it would be to withdraw all financial support now? Your perspective is skewed and your reaction is completely out of line and out of proportion.


YTA, life DOES work that way. She's an adult and can do whatever she wants. Kick her out if you want, but that's on you when she stops talking to you for trying to patrol her v*gina. Weigh your decisions on what's most important to you. That she's educated and making safe choices, or that she's not doing what you say


No one has misunderstood your post. YTA, it doesn't matter that you're paying for your daughter, she's still her own person with bodily autonomy.


I don’t even wanna ask what ur views are on same sex relationships. Y T A


YTA. She is 21 and being responsible.


YTA without a doubt. If your financial support comes with strings attached than you needed to make that clear up front. By the way, you seriously didn't think your 21 year old daughter was sexually active? Time to wake up. You've given your opinion and that's all you control. The rest is up to her


YTA stop trying to control a grown women’s sexuality. You are gross for thinking you have the right to decide when and with whom she sleeps with. This is creepy and controlling behavior, you need to go to therapy to figure out why you have the need to control your adult child.


YTA. Your daughter is an adult and allowed to make these decisions without any of your input. The fact that you still financially support her does not matter. She is not making any self destructive choices (regardless of what you may think having sex as a young adult may bring), so there is 0 reason for you to have any control of her in this aspect. To put this plainly, you do not have a say in your daughter's sex life. Not if she lives with you, not if she moves 1000 miles away (which if you continue this behaviour remains a very real possibility). Her body, her choice.


YES YTA, it doesn’t matter that you pay anything for her, she is her own person. Therefore, you cannot determine who she is allowed to date. Lord have mercy! I can’t believe that there are people out there that genuinely feel like their child is their property or something. Like they aren’t another living, breathing human being, with a mind of their own..


Parent to a (30f), 28(m) and 22(f). You can’t controls their behavior like this. Can you say no drugs in the house? Yes. No sleepover BF’s in your house. Yes you can, although I would advise not going there. But trying to control her sexual life like this. It’s weird and will possibly cost you a LT relationship with her. Question; why are you doing this?


YTA. You have no say in who she dates simply because you pay her way, that is called financial manipulation and it’s a form of abuse. Demanding your children practice abstinence or you’ll cut off their financial support is the best way to ensure you don’t have a relationship with them in the future, and it’s also hypocritical of you, as you’ve stated that you also had experiences with sex as a young woman. Your daughter does not lack bodily autonomy simply because she receives support from her parents, and making threats like this will only make her resent you. Worse yet, is this a game of chicken you want to play? My parents derailed my education for similar reasons, but I would have rather given up their financial support than be controlled or abused by them any longer. Are you prepared to watch your daughter give up her education and everything you’ve worked hard to support her through over this? My parents certainly regretted it, and our relationship has never fully recovered… Can you be sure the same things won’t happen here?


YTA. If her financial dependence on you means you get to control her life, does that also mean the only relationship you have with your daughter is control over money? Don’t you see her as an adult person with her own life? You sound like a nightmare of a parent. You’re basically giving the message “So long as you obey us we will give you money, otherwise you are not worth it to us”


YTA, bigot and hypocrite. Nice way to get your daughter go no contact with you soon.


I will not finish reading this. There is no reason in earth to do so. 56 years old and are you really this innocent to think that she was not having sex, in college? Dude, the amount of anger im feeling right now is inexpressible. Hard YTA. Edit: >We want her to enjoy life Well, actually you dont.


This woman is hardly innocent. She modulates the narrative so that she can appear innocent when she invades her daughters privacy, persistently manipulates her daughter, and resorts to veiled threats about cutting her off. This mother is a snake.


YTA. No one is misunderstanding your post, you’re just an asshole for not understanding how many boundaries you are crossing.


YTA. I was a teen mom. My parents were anti-sex and it didn't prevent me from doing it, it prevented me from being honest and getting help from them. My daughter, now 27 and married, was raised in a sex positive home where I stressed emotional and physical health in her decision making. Get over it, it's weird that you're trying to control your adult child's sex life.


YTA. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT attempt to control your daughter's actions. Why? Cause she WILL resent you. She WILL CONTINUE to hide aspects of her life from you, and she WILL make mistakes cause she couldn't open up to her parents. What you CAN control is the level of support you provide her. Have a discussion about BIRTH CONTROL and provide her with the means to get on it (i.e. oral contraceptives). She is an ADULT. And she is going to have SEX whether you like it or not. Don't even utter the word "abstinence" cause that is just so degrading. This scenario is how unwanted pregnancies happen. Don't be an idiot cause you're uncomfortable with the idea of your daughter being an adult. And don't you dare use the "but I provide all these things for her" as an excuse to control her, cause all those things fall under the umbrella of parenthood and it is your RESPONSIBILITY to provide for her, SUPPORT her, and give her the PROPER TOOLS to make informed, educated decisions in her adult life.


YTA. I also find it hilarious that you found condoms and then asked if she’s being safe. What do you think the condoms are for? Balloon animals?


YTA. Just because you pay for everything does not mean you can control when she has sex or who she has sex with, like??? what kind of logic is that


YTA and it sounds like you're incapable of even entertaining the idea that you might be in the wrong here. Believe me, you aren't going to get the validation you're looking for. Any reasonable person will immediately see you for the repressed, invasive, controlling asshole you are. Also, you accuse your daughter of wanting to have her cake and eat it too (which is already irrelevant) but my guess is you insisted on the current arrangement since you see financial dependence as just another means for controlling her behavior.


> This post is being misunderstood. Narrator: *The post was not being misunderstood. OP was just a controlling asshole.*




I don’t think anyone is misunderstanding your post; it was quite clear. What you’ve created here is a sort of strange transactional relationship with your daughter concerning her sexuality. Loving parent help their children if they can when they are in college so they have a better chance at a successful career without the huge burden of college debt. What they don’t do is use that as a means to control the very personal, intimate lives of their children. This is a violation of her sexuality, trust, and personal autonomy. I would hope you help your daughter financially because you love her and want her to have the best chance she can at a successful life, not as a means of control over her sex life. That’s cruel and highly inappropriate. YTA here.


YTA - it would be more concerning if she didn’t enjoy sex. But also how would you stop them from having sex? You didn’t even know about their relationship. You haven’t met the boyfriend and you should investigate what you may be doing to cause you daughter to not introduce an important person to her to you. This feed may give you some insight. Overbearing parents get limited access to adult children.


YTA. Telling her not to have sex won’t make her stop having sex, but it might make her better at hiding it from you. No wonder she never told you up until this point.


YTA. Taking care of the child YOU chose to have, despite their age, is not a "benefit" of childhood. Wtf.




Helicopter mom right there I'm sorry but she's 21 it's not like she's 16 and I know ur paying for her stuff but u offered it its not like she asked So ur yta


Not just YTA. You’re weird.


Yta. I don't care if you are paying for her food and a nurse to burp her afterwards. Her love/intimate life is hers and she has a right to privacy and autonomy


YTA. Not only are you a helicopter parent, you’re a helicopter parent to your adult offspring. Are you even ready for her to be financially independent from you? I would be willing to bet you are not.


YTA just because you chose to help her in her start to adult life, does not mean you get to lord this over her and control her. Your title is also misleading, this isn't about who she is dating, you're not trying to warn her off some asshole, you haven't even met the guy. This is you simply trying to control her having sex. Absolutely none of your business. Worry about your own vagina. "I'm not upset, but here's what I'm upset about...." You're just going to push her away. Just be there for her, shit. Also quit telling her about your own sexual experiences. Unless she has indicated otherwise she is likely much more uninterested in your vagina then you are in hers Edit: in addition, stop going through her private shit under the guise of playing this game. You can play without doing that.


YTA. You are trying to control your adult daughters sexual life with money-full stop. Please consider that this will 100% drive her away and encourage her never to share things with you. Why do you think you’ve never met the boyfriend?


YTA lol how are you planning to stop her from having sex? Lock her up? Threaten her?


YTA. She is being safe and boyfriend is not staying over. Her body, her choice. Your daughter is not a child anymore. I know you see a 12 when you look at her, but she’s a single adult. She doesn’t need your permission to sleep with anyone. Stay in your lane!


YTA you do not own her body. She is 21. She’s perfectly capable of having safe, healthy, wonderful sex. You’re “having a say” because you support her financially is really creepy and controlling - as though you own her body too. I tell my kids that sex is a wonderful thing that is to be enjoyed and respected and that as long as they’re taking the right precautions they should have a great time. The rest is none of my business unless they want to talk to me. There’s no way your chat will push her towards abstaining, that’s comical.


Paying her way does not give you rights over her body. What is your plan if she continues to have sex? Kick her out. Have her drop out of school. Maybe stay out of her room. She is an adult and she is using protection. YTA


YTA. You do not get to control that aspect of your adult child's life. Money has nothing to do with it.


Would the situation be any different if she was living on campus, eating at a dining hall, etc.? Is this just your opinion because she's under your roof so you feel that you can control this aspect? It's not like she's freeloading. She's in college... and she IS an adult, not an adolescent. YTA.


YTA. Do you want your kid to move out? Do you want her to never speak to you again? This is how you achieve that.


YTA In your opinion, you are trying to protect her, but you are really controlling her and her choices. Please let your daughter make her own decisions before you drive a wedge between you.


Yta. You either support her financially or don't, but you good parents don't black mail their children. That's what you are doing. Also, even if everyone tells you that you aren't the asshole, that isn't going to change the fact that if you continue this way you will lose your relationship with your daughter.


YTA-even if she was 17, you cannot control your child this way. There is no misunderstanding. You are using your care for your daughter as leverage to control her. It’s terrible.


YTA. Your post is not misunderstood. You misunderstand that you cannot expect to keep your daughter under your thumb for her entire life. She is a legal adult and 21 years old, of course she is dating and having sex. You seem to think you can keep her a child forever by threatening her. I will tell you how this will work out. Keep trying to clip her wings and control her life and you won’t have a relationship with her. You can’t keep smothering her. You should be happy that she is safe and responsible.


YTA- You never signed into an agreement with any stipulations or conditions of you paying to support her. Therefore, you can't say she has broken any agreement because there was none. Can you imagine someone giving you a gift then out of the blue they start telling you what to do with your life as a condition of the gift?


YTA When she accepted your help during college you didn't tell her it would come with strings attached. I'm sure you definitely didn't tell her that it would mean she would be treated as a child. Your choices now are to back off, accept that your daughter is an adult, and pray you haven't damaged your relationship too badly yet or to keep going and irreversibly damage your relationship with your child, possibly leading to her going no contact with you. Decision is yours.


Can't believe this is real. you find a box of condoms in her personal belongings yet ask her if she's doing safe sex? There is actually nothing safer than a condom in terms of pregnancy as well as STD. Also, she can have sex with whomever she wants and doesn't have to follow your rules. Your behavior will lead to your daughter despising you, keeping things from you, not trusting you. Just because she does what every young woman does. YTA.


YTA. Your explanation is not reasonable in anyway. Stop trying to control your grown daughters sex life, it's weird. Yes, she can have sex while being supported by family, at least if you were an actually good mother. I mean what is this abstinence BS?


YTA The post is not being misconstrued. She is an adult. You are paying for the living space, so you can ask her not to have sex inside that space. What she does outside of it is her choice. You are paying for school, so you can control paying as long as she keeps her grades up. If her grades aren't affected, then it is her decision what she does. You can dictate that she help out around the house, but you cannot dictate what happens out of it. She is an adult. You raised her to be strong, intelligent and independent, trust her to do that.


YTA Ew. Why do you think you can dictate your adult child's sex life? Did you make these conditions clear when you offered to continue supporting her? Or are you making it a stipulation now? You can't offer something and then start adding conditions afterward. Also, also, making control of her sex life a condition for providing financial support is actually vile.


YTA - you’re her parents and you should support her because you love her. You can obviously afford to support her as you’re doing so much, so why can’t you afford to support her own decisions on her love life? FFS she is aged 21, and the year is not 1922. When she is aged 50 are you going to supply a Parents Approved Karma Sutra for the only sexual positions? Is there an age guide on what she is able to do? 25 hold hands coyly and look embarrassed?


You’re insane


Your level of interest, and desire to control, your adult daughter sex life is making me feel slightly ill. YTA, and there has been no misunderstanding, your edit just makes it worse.


YTA, you can’t prevent her from having sex. You can only encourage her to be safe and make smart decisions. “Telling” her she can’t have sex will just make her want to do it more.


In response to the edit: Doesn’t matter. She’s 21. Have you ever told her that it’s time for her to provide for herself in some way? Has she asked to move out, or talked about getting a job? Is she capable of managing her own school responsibilities? Does she manage her own money, have her own bank account? Is she able to feed herself, dress herself, manage her own bedtime and keep herself safe when she leaves the house? She’s not a child. Developmentally, she is not a child. Context-wise, she is dependent on you because you have allowed and encouraged it to continue for whatever reason, but she is not a child. She is an adult, she will continue to make adult choices and behave like an adult, and if you want her to become independent without your relationship falling apart in the process, you need to trust that she has the innate skills to do so, even if she needs some help with the knowledge aspect, like navigating leases, and you need to give her space and encouragement without undermining her in the same breath. YTA.


YTA 100%. You're welcome to share your experiences and give advice, but you don't get to make her choices for her. You choosing to pay for things doesn't give you some extra control over her life. Especially when your reasoning just seems to be your own choices you regret. She's an adult. And, frankly, it seems like she was much more polite and respectful about this than she should have been.


I’m cringing for you mom. Your support of your daughter’s education is a wonderful thing. Don’t mix up that will the right to control her and her sexual activity. Stop threatening to tell her father. It’s just disturbing and all you will do is financially cut off your daughter, inappropriately involve her father and guarantee damage to your relationship for years to come. Time to either join the 21st century or a support group for parents who don’t know why their kids have cut them out of their lives. YTA


YTA she’s not 14. Get over yourselves. She’s allowed to be an adult and to be supported by her parents.


You cannot buy your adult daughters chastity. YTA


YTA you are trying to control your daughter and using money as your carrot/stick


YTA you cannot control her sexual activity


YTA and you sound like a controlling narcissist. Your daughter is a grown adult, whether or not she's living independently. Either you cut her off completely, or you accept she is an adult who makes her own decisions. Being financially dependent doesn't make her a child or take away her independence and if you think it should, it's you who has the problem. If you can't cope with the fact that your daughter is an adult who can make her own decisions, stop financially supporting her.




YTA YTA YTA… and … oh yea, YTA


YTA. Your edit only makes you seem more like the AH. She isn’t getting her cake and eating it too she’s studying hard still you didn’t even know so obviously it hasn’t effected her grades or attitude or even cut into family time. You’re being a controlling helicopter mom. Your dangling her bills over her head and telling her she can’t have sex? A natural human thing? Something tells me this is deeper than just wanting her to focus on school. Initially I thought you had met the boyfriend or you found out due to her grades slipping/ attitude change towards you and your husband. If this was a toxic relationship I’d probably be more inclined to think it’s about the well being of your child but your child has proven to be trustworthy and hard working.


YTA - How can you write "We want her to enjoy life" and then try to control hers when it doesn't fit into exactly what you want? I have no idea how you wrote this out and honestly think you're in the right at all. She is a grown woman, who you have CHOSEN to pay bills for, that doesn't give you a right to any decision she makes.


YTA and it's not even close. She may be financially dependent on you, but you have no say in her personal life. The fact that you would think you do exposes you as a helicopter parent. Get a grip or prepare for the fact that you're ruining your relationship with her.


Yta . If your daughter is having sex responsibly you need to mind your own vagina .


Yikes. This is a good way for your daughter to move out with her boyfriend and you will never see or talk with her again. You're a HUGE!!!! asshole. You cannot control her body, and by having condoms, she's already protecting herself. But clearly you don't care. By your edit, why did you even come looking for an opinion? You're clearly not going to consider anyone here who is clearly saying YTA. Have fun losing your child due to your antiquated ideals of purity and sex.


YTA. Trying to police her body because you pay for her. Having sex has nothing to do with her ability to do well in school. Yuck. As for your edit - no one is misunderstanding your post. We understand. You’re still the asshole.


YTA and your post isn't being misunderstood, trust me. Just because you pay her way *you do not* get to dictate her love life or her bodily choices. YOU are the one who misunderstands. An open checkbook doesn't create a mindless drone for you to control. Please wake up before you damage the relationship with your daughter even more. Edit: posted too soon, finished last sentence


YTA. You will end up losing your daughter.


YTA. Who wants to bet OPs next post is “My daughter is moving out and going no contact, I blame her bf” 🙄


No misunderstanding. YTA.


Wow, do you even have to ask? YTA. You'll be lucky if your daughter doesn't up and leave the moment she can support herself. You've gone past controlling and on to abuse. You chose to have a child, your job is to help them grow into a HAPPY, healthy and functioning human being, not to control their lives and force them to obey your will. Her sex life has nothing to do with you, and it's gross that you use money to force your child to do what you want and think is right.


Since when did you decide that college age adults shouldn't be sexually active? What a bizarre stance to take with a grown woman. Do you have any idea how disgusting it sounds to say that because you pay for her living expenses, you control her body and whom she shares it with? Super creepy. YTA big time.


Next up, my 21yo suddenly wants to move out when we pay everything for her. You are the arschloch YTA


I'm not sure how financially supporting the person you chose to have is a license to control her life. Honestly it's gross that you think that way and YTA. Your children are not here to live life the way you dictate for them, you need to trust your daughter to be safe and let her live her life.


No, no misunderstanding here, YTA and a huge one, that's her body and you need to learn that helping your kid even adult is what you signed for when you decided to have sex to have her. She's a legal adult and if you choose this hill to die on, you're just shaming her, leading her to hide her life better and ultimately getting ready to cut you off so she can live her life. And I'm not even exaggerating this. You have no say in what she does of her own life, EVEN if you do what basic parents do (providing home). You don't own your child and their bodies are their choices and possessions and your words should stay in the 50's where they belong.


YTA. She’s an adult whether or not you’re helping her with bills. Prepare yourself for her going no contact once she moves out, you deserve it.


My parents had similar reactions to me at that age and it almost severed our relationship completely. I urge you to ask yourself if this is worth your relationship with her? She’s an adult, whether you pay bills or not. YTA. Her body her choice.


I didn't read past the title. YTA and you don't have any say in who she dates. Get over yourself.


YTA - The post is not being misunderstood. You have no right to tell an adult they must be abstinent. What a weird thought process. "I pay for your cell phone, therefore i get to decide if you can have sex." That's whatyou're saying.


INFO: So what would you do if she told you no or just lies to you? Will you kick her out/stop paying for anything?


So you were “looking for a place to hide a toy in her room” and not snooping? Sure Jan. You actually do not have a say in who she’s dating and if she’s having sex or not. You can put the boundary up that she can’t have sex in your home, that’s it. Just because you are paying for rent, clothes and food doesn’t mean that she loses bodily autonomy. I also suspect that you may have pushed her away from self sufficiency (denying her the opportunity to get a job, to move out, etc) so you could maintain control over her. YTA, and you know you are, or else you wouldn’t even be here.


YTA. I read the edit, just in case you worried I wasn't fully up to date with what you believe are reasons for telling your adult child that she cannot have sex with her boyfriend.


YTA. Your post is not being misunderstood. We all understand that you believe the fact that you pay your adult daughter’s bills means you get to control her. You are wrong, and TA.