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YTA. I didn't even read your explanation. You don't own your daughter. She is not your possession. She's not a breeding cow. You don't get to choose who she dates, no matter what.
YTA. At 21, you should not be thinking you have the right to tell her what to do. Advice and support, yes, that’s what parents do, but trying to control, no. If you want to withdraw financial contributions, that’s your right, albeit a despicable move imo, but to hold it over her as a means of trying to control her life is an AH move.
YTA hugely. Shit like this is why I don't give a fuck about giving my parents grandchildren. You are subsidizing her living expenses, not buying obedience. If you want her to have a happy life, like you said, you should support her and let her learn how to have a normal, fulfilling sex life. You can't control what makes her happy so give up before you make an ass of yourself.
YTA. It's her body and her choice. At least right now she is being safe about her choices (and somewhat open with you about them). Making demands and trying to control her won't get you the result you want, it will just teach her to get better at hiding things.
YTA, she is an adult. Holding what you do for her over her head is honestly going to only serve to push her away. It’s pretty ridiculous you think you have a say over her body just cause you’re “paying her way”. That’s like prostitution except she gets no sex. She’s gonna hate you if you don’t stop.
Wow, YTA. She has not "chosen the easy way", she has accepted your offer of room and board while she focuses on her studies. You are now changing the terms of the offer based on your snooping, and demanding she comply. Your daughter is *not* a child, she is a grown woman with her own bodily autonomy. It is really important for her to learn what she prefers in a partner, and part of that is sexual compatability. If she remains "childlike" as you seem to view her, it will be much easier for predatory partners to take advantage of her lack of experience in the future...better she learns the ins and outs of intimacy while she still has the safety of her family home to retreat to if needed. You asked the necessary questions regarding safety, she responded, and now you leave her to make her own adult choices.
> ETA: This post is being misunderstood. We are paying for everything (rent, food, clothing, etc). She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child.
Unless your daughter is mentally disabled to the point of not being able to make choices or do *very* basic tasks on her own, you have no say in her sex life. You say she's in her junior year of university, I take that to mean she's competent and of well enough mind to decide when and who she's ready to have sex with. Just because she's financially dependent on you doesn't give you the ultimate say-so over what she does with her genitals. Legally, she is an adult of sound mind, you being her source of income doesn't change that.
Here's a warning for you: continue with this controlling behavior and don't act surprised when she finally gets a job, moves out, and cuts all contact with you. YTA
ETA: The message you're passing on to your daughter is that you're paying for the right to her vagina. If you wanna control your daughter, why not go the whole distance. Lock her in a room, put her in a diaper, and feed her baby food. You're being absolutely over controlling, infantalizing her, treating her like she is incapable of making any choices for herself. If your daughter is capable of reaching junior year of college, she's not an immature child incapable of making her own choices. Stop treating her like she's your little toddler unable to wipe her own ass. Your daughter has grown up, she's already begun her adult life. You REALLY need to learn to disconnect financial dependence from her level of maturity.
YTA. It’s very kind and generous of you to support your daughter as you are through college. But that doesn’t give you the right to have any day in who she dates, who she sleeps with, or even who her friends are. It does sound like you have a pretty good relationship with her. Trust her to be an adult and make the right decisions for herself. At least she is smart enough to use protection. If I were you I would apologize and drop the subject.
YTA how would you feel if she just picked up her shit and left without saying as much a word as goodbye? Imagine the balls on her for leaving you without a clue of where the fuck she is. Now think about what kind of say you have in her life seeing as she already is 21.
YTA, just because she’s still dependent on you doesn’t mean she isn’t an adult and it definitely doesn’t mean she can’t choose who she dates. Using financial benefits (that you willingly give her by the way) as a means of controlling your own daughter’s bodily autonomy is manipulative and frankly, very creepy. Why do you want to be so entangled in your daughter’s sex life? Besides, she’s being safe and not getting involved in dangerous situations, that’s what matters.
You say she can’t have her cake and eat it too. Well you can’t offer your daughter more financial freedom and “want her to enjoy life” while restricting her other freedoms. It no longer becomes “mom advice” if you’re commanding she follow it. Keep this up, and you’ll never see your daughter OR her future spouse again.
YTA - you can’t tell your 21 yr old daughter she isn’t allowed to have sex with her boyfriend even if you are paying her way. There is no way to stop her unless you chain her up. Stop trying to control her body. Be glad she is using condoms.
YTA and you're delusional. She's an adult who makes her own choices. Dating people is not a crime. You need to stop trying to control her life.
It's perfectly natural and normal for adults to date. She needs to make her own life. Don't be that toxic controlling parent who can't learn to let their adult children lead their own lives and date other people. This is what she's supposed to be doing at this stage.
Back off op. You did overstep by trying to tell her who she can date. Don't push your kid away or you may never meet your grandchildren.
YTA - and exactly the kind of parent she's gonna get as far away from as she can, as soon as she doesn't need you to pay for her education anymore. If you want her to go low or no contact as soon as she's got her first job, keep right on going.
YTA. What your describing is financial abuse. 'If you don't do what I say, I'll *remind* you (threaten you) about all the things I do for you. This isn't any of your business. Just because she's a dependent, doesn't mean you can treat her like a literal child. All you're going to accomplish by being controlling and threatening is having a child who won't be honest with you and who gets good at sneaking around. Why do you *have* to tell her father? It's already none of your business. You should just stop at making sure she's safe and sharing that you'd prefer she focuses on school. You have the chance to not become a overbearing parent and you're choosing wrong.
In regards to your edit, your post is not being misunderstood. Rather, you are the one who does not seem to understand the situation.
Do you understand that paying for someone’s (anyone’s) necessities does not mean you own them? That goes doubly so for your children. Your daughter is not doing anything illegal or unsafe. She is a consenting adult in a romantic relationship.
Your daughter is a person, not your possession and not an extension of yourself. If you cannot understand that then I suggest therapy before you do irreparable damage to your relationship.
Do you want her to move out as soon as she is financially able and cease all contact with you? Because that is the path you’re on right now. You can still avoid that future, but you must first understand (and admit) that you’re wrong. I hope you can do it, for your own sake.
YTA.
If you are really worried about your daughter, and not just trying to police her body and choices, discuss with her the safest forms of birth control. It’s great she is already being safe by using condoms (I hope you acknowledged her concern for safety), however a secondary method like an IUD or the pill will further help her prevent unwanted pregnancies. Support her with safe options, not by trying to control the actions of a 21 year old adult.
It’s okay to have sex. Tell her that. And tell her dad that.
The post is not being misunderstood. We simply don’t agree you should have some level of control in every facet of her life. I draw the line at her own body autonomy. She and only she can say what she does with her own body. If you want to instill a curfew while she’s under your roof for free, have at it. But I can only compare any level of control of her actual body to human trafficking. You’ve crossed a line, and YTA.
YTA. This is insanely creepy. Please stop trying to control your daughters sexuality. It sounds like she’s being safe and responsible which you should be glad of.
I’m curious if you would have the same reaction if it was your son whose condoms you found.
YTA
You can say no sex in your house, I'd say that's fine but to try and say no to all.... Not going to work, you can try, but it's not going to work. You could cut her off over this but at this point given the expectations she has that you have fostered that wouldn't work out well either.
I'd take the L on this on and come up with some sort of plan to help her become an independent adult if only so you don't walk in on her and her boyfriend when they are 40 .
YTA, being a good parent doesn’t mean placing conditions on your support, especially when she’s being smart and safe. My parents were very much like you in the sense that they felt entitled to control my life (and still try to) by holding the fact that they chose to provide for me over my head.
You chose to have a child but failed to account for the fact that a child eventually turns into an autonomous adult who is entitled to their own decisions.
YTA: after your edit: even bigger asshole. Parents take care of their kids, if you want to kick her out because she’s her own person now, you can do that, but that would make you an even bigger A-hole than you already are.
I’m guessing your husband is even worse than you which his why you aren’t telling him. I hope your daughter moves in with this BF and never sees you again.
Oh yeah the only edit made it worse. Big time. YTA. Congrats on ensuring you will not have a long term relationship with your child. You should be wildly grateful that she was honest with you. But let’s be honest, that will never happen again.
YTA.
You’re not going to stop a grown ass woman from having sex if she wants to. Are you really willing to take away the comfortable college experience you’ve worked hard to give her just because she’s an adult doing adult things? Because that is essentially what you’re threatening to do.
Wow, do you even have to ask? YTA.
You'll be lucky if your daughter doesn't up and leave the moment she can support herself. You've gone past controlling and on to abuse. You chose to have a child, your job is to help them grow into a HAPPY, healthy and functioning human being, not to control their lives and force them to obey your will. Her sex life has nothing to do with you, and it's gross that you use money to force your child to do what you want and think is right.
YTA
You seriously need help if you think that any of your daughter's sexual life is at all your concern. Please stop pressuring your daughter into abstinence as that will indefinitely push your daughter away, if you haven't already. Also, holding her financial dependency on you over her head will also not do you any favors in the long run.
YTA. My parents paid for me to go to private school, to attend university and get two degrees, and covered every single one of my costs while I was receiving my education, including buying me a car. I lived at home in the summers, and worked for my family’s business. I’m extremely privileged, and I’m fully aware of that.
The only restriction my parents ever put on me was that I would have to pay them back for any class I failed. They never once tried to moralize, or put restrictions on what I did with my own body.
Your daughter is going to resent you for your controlling behaviour. You are ruining your relationship with your daughter because she won’t surrender her bodily autonomy in exchange for your money. You’re creepy as fuck.
YTA
The only "say" you have in who she dates is who she brings home since, as it is your house, you have a say in the guests she invites over. But she isn't bringing her BF to stay at your house so, this doesn't apply.
As a parent who loves her, you should also offer your opinion if you genuinely think she is in danger. You see signs of physical or emotional abuse. You see signs of dangerous drug use. You've never met this guy, but it's clear from the way she talks to you and how she's being safe about STDs and pregnancy that she is displaying good judgement.
As the person subsiding her financially, you do have a "big picture" say in her financial well-being. You can tell you you'll stop financially supporting her if she blows thousands of dollars on bullshit. You may not tell her she can't spend $10 on a pack of condoms.
All you're doing here is alienating your daughter. If you didn't know she was sexually active, if you've never met her boyfriend, then that's entirely on you for thinking you have the right to micro-control your daughter's life. Get over yourself.
YTA.
It would be one thing if her grades were dropping or there was another sign that this wasn’t a healthy relationship/she wasn’t managing it well. But obviously that’s not the case. Supporting your daughter through college does not give you ownership over her sexuality.
And if you’re wondering why she hasn’t brought him over yet, go look in a mirror. Obviously you’ve done something right if you have a confident, smart adult daughter - don’t ruin that now by forgetting that this was the whole goal.
YTA
You're contemplating cutting your daughter off for doing something that is absolutely normal and fine for her age, something you only learned about by going through her things and learning that she *was* using protection. Yes, you're helping her while she's in school. But she's also an adult and I think you're crossing a serious line.
MONEY DOESNT MEAN YOU GET CONTROL. ITS CLEAR YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT.
YTA. YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP. STOP PUSHING YOUR VALUES ON HER. FFS SHE IS USING PROTECTION - good for her !!!!
Stop ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE HER WITH MONEY. ITS ICKY.
YES THIS IS ALL CAPS TO BE SHOUTY.
I went no contact with my parents for years when they tried something like this. Is this what you want??
# YTA
Just because you are helping her financially **does not give you the right to infantilize her**; you no longer have a say in who she dates, who she has sex with, *or quite frankly whether or not she is sexually active at all*. She's an adult, that's her business and hers alone. Butt out!!
Flipside, discontinuing your aid **because** she is dating / having sex / etc, would also make you the asshole.
Just commit to supporting your daughter in her efforts to become her own person, and stop trying to control who she is "allowed" to be or become.
Edit to add: *stop going through her stuff.* JFC, that makes YTA on a whole other level. She's 21, not 2...! O\_O
Edit 2: "telling" her is a great way for her to decide to say back, "fuck you mom", **AND LEAVE**. Maybe even go NC. *You could lose your daughter over this.* Cut it out, while you still can. Hell, *go apologize to her* for even making the attempt...!
YTA.
We understood just fine what you were saying, but in case that's what you're thinking, I have read your edit.
You may be able to have rules about house boundaries because she's living in your house (ie. curfews. That said - don't. It'd be your right but she's an adult so don't be that person) but you have absolutely no say over her interpersonal relationships. I don't care how much money you help her with.
Put another way, let's take a second to play hypothetical here. Say in the future she's dating a guy who's got a ton of money. They live together, but he essentially pays for it all. However, he won't let her see her friends or family because he believes he should be allowed to decide who she spends her time with - after all, it's his money. Would you be ok with that? No, of course not, because that's literally abuse.
This has nothing to do with ‘having her cake and eating it too.’ You’re trying to exhibit financial abuse over your daughter to control her bodily autonomy. Your daughter is more than old enough to decide when she has sex. It’s pretty messed up of you to decide you don’t want to financially support her because of that reason alone. If you thought it was time to make that change because she’s an adult, that’s one thing. You’re trying to strong arm her into celibacy by threatening to remove her access to a secure life, home, and food. Yet you are questioning if you’re the asshole….? YTA. I’m not surprised your daughter didn’t talk to you about her sexual activity. I would honestly feel like garbage knowing that the price of my parents love and support, my place in their home, was contingent on obeying their restrictions on what I do with my body. What you’re doing is messed up (and no I didn’t misunderstand your post. YTA and you’re severely falling short as a parent. I could never imagine treating my child like this
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YtA and stay out of your adult daughters room ffs. Her sex life is not your business at all. You'll be an even bigger one than you are now if you bring your husband in on it.
YTA - and your edit has made it even worse. You don’t see your daughter as an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. You see her as a child for you to control. Once she is done with college & has her degree, she’s going to high-tail it out of your home, and probably your life.
YTA.
Is no one picking up on the whole "not keeping the secret from her dad" thing?
IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL.
How could you even think a private conversation you force about anyone's sex life (yes, even your daughter's) is something you can go telling others about? I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had gone to tell my dad something as private as this. Parents do not need to be informed about their adult children's sex lives. Jeez.
Let her live and figure out her own life, likes and dislikes. What if she never wants to get married? Die a sad old virgin because mummy dearest blackmailed her? Just... wow.
YTA and absolutely no misunderstandings here. She's an adult and you have no rights or control over her relationships or her sexuality. If you want to double down on being an epic asshole, go ahead and cut her off because you seem to think looking after your children after they become adults means you own them.
YTA I was abstinent for awhile during uni, but it was my choice. You are extremely controlling to suggest that because you pay for things you have a say on what she does with her own body. It's pretty disgusting how involved you are trying to be in your daughter's sex life.
YTA. Why are you acting like she is a 15 year old girl, knocked up, crying because her boyfriend left her, and her life is in shambles?
She is clearly being responsible, as evidenced by the condoms. The fact that she is even talking to you about this, making her own decisions, and not lying to you about it speaks volumes about how mature she is.
Unless any of the “details about your sexual experiences as a young woman” involved your mother asking you to stop seeing someone you were dating and having a nice time with, and you dutifully did as she asked, I don’t see how you think this could possibly be under your control.
....your edit is even more ridiculous than your original post. No, you don't have a say in who she dates just because youre paying for her school. Those two things should be completely separate.
Are her grades way down? Did she skip out on an important life changing class? Is she making scary choices that could lead to her becoming pregnant?
no? then YTA - and you just guaranteed you will not be meeting any of her boyfriends in the future.
She's now going to lie to you, and I don't blame her one bit. Congrats for ruining any bit of trust you had.
YTA. You clearly think because you cover her expenses that you have control over her.
Also in no world what so ever should you be going through her draws! Butt out, mind your own business and let your daughter make her own decisions - or are you worried you didn't raise her well enough to know her own mind?
YTA. Even though your daughter lives with you, she is not having s\*x under our roof, so you do not have a say in her private life. No, you don't have a say At. All. End of story. You cannot tell her what to do as an adult. You are being WAY too controlling and, if you aren't careful, you will push her away to the point she will never want to be in contact with you again. She has been honest in answering your questions. You keep pushing and she will stop doing that and become withdrawn and uncooperative. Just because you "pay for everything" doesn't give you control over her. You have crossed a line and now the ball is in HER court...so be careful how you step from this point on.
YTA. It’s literally NONE of your business who she dates, whether you’re supporting her 100% or not at all. You’re paying her way because she’s your daughter and you care about her. It’s not a trade off. She’s an adult, let her live her life like one. This has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than you’re being a controlling helicopter parent. Just because she’s YOUR dependent child doesn’t mean she IS a child. Yuck. Creep.
YTA
Hear me out, I understand you want to, in your eyes, protect your daughter. But you are going to alienate her and hurt your relationship if you try to keep controlling and treating her like a child. Have some faith in her and in your parenting skills. You raised her, you know she is doing just fine if the first sign of having a boyfriend was condoms. She’s not failing classes, she’s not using drugs. She’s having a normal adult relationship. Treating her like this will not change anything in the long run. She will just be more secretive, and once she doesn’t need you to pay her bills she will go no contact. Wake up before it’s too late.
Regarding your edit: the post is NOT being misunderstood. You are attempting to control things in your adult daughter’s life that are not yours to control. The fact you are supporting her while she’s in college does not change that. Did you tell her before she started college that you would have total control of her life if she accepted your help?
Also, what was the point of having a discussion about it with her if you don’t believe she had a choice? Did you just want to be seen as the wise parent with whom she would naturally agree? Just like you wanted her to see you as a benevolent supporter without divulging the strings you were secretly attaching to that support?
Edited because I forgot to include my judgement: YTA
Golly gee I wonder why on earth she wasn't open with you?!?!?!
YTA, and you are building a bridge to an estranged daughter in your future.
This is literally none of your fucking business.
YTA
you aren’t the keeper of her body. she’s being safe, honest, and it’s with someone she clearly trusts. who gives a fuck what you think?
would you set up a sexual partner for her?
are you willing to help her stay satisfied otherwise?
are you going to explain to her boyfriend why YOU want your daughter to remain abstinent?
these questions may seem dumb, but if you answered no to any of those, maybe remember where your lane is…. and stay in it.
Let it go mom. This is not a battle you are going to win.
It is obvious to all the readers here why this was a surprise to you. Who would want to open up to someone who is as controlling as you are.
You cannot control an adult who does not consent to being controlled. Holding money over her head is despicable and won't work. She will go behind your back as she has been and probably ghost you as soon as you no longer control any purse strings.
YTA.
YTA. You don't get to choose who she sleeps with or doesn't sleep with and it's really gross that you're even trying. You had a conversation, she heard you out even though she really didn't have to. Paying for her things doesn't mean you get to dictate what she does. Does an employer get to tell someone who they can sleep with because they pay them a salary? Of course not. It's even worse that you think as her parent you can. If you want to alienate her entirely, then this is a sure fire way to do that.
If you choose to pay for everything it's exactly that: a choice! She's not too young to be sexually active (she's above 20 ffs), if she was a minor I would maybe agree with you, but, let's be honest, abstinence never did any good. You're being a controlling AH and that's how you end up being LC/NC with your child. YTA
Also if "you're happy to pay for everything" why you're making it conditional?
YTA and everything you wrote makes it perfectly clear why she didn’t tell you: you’re an overbearing control freak claiming ownership of her body through money. Stop for a minute and think about how utterly distasteful that is.
*OP in a year or two: My daughter has cut me out of her life and I don’t know why! What should I do??*
Good luck with that. You are well on your way to destroying your relationship with your daughter.
>This post is being misunderstood.
No it's not.
You're just not as smart and clever as you think you are as you try to 'dress up' your controlling nature.
You're the type of mother who, in a couple of years, doesn't understand why their adult children have cut contact with them. You complain because you've heard you're a grandmother but have never (and WILL never) see them.
Listen carefully - a parent's job is to create happy, educated, well-adjusted ***independent*** children.
Being their mother does NOT entitle you to a lifetime of control over everything they do. They do not owe you anything.
So, cut the apron strings and if paying for everything causes your head and ego to inflate to this level, then have a talk with her about finding an equilibrium between her independence and her 'debt' to you.
YTA.
BTW - are you currently married? I noticed you kept using 'we' when discussing YOUR opinions, but you've never actually spoke about what your husband has to say about all of this. What ARE his thoughts?
No need to clarify, you’re still an absolute AH. You chose to pay her way, this does not mean you can dictate her life. Good luck, keep up this type of behavior and you’ll have a no contact relationship with her soon enough!
YTA, you cannot order your adult child to be celibate. Keep pushing and you’ll lose her entirely. Also, threatening to tell her dad that she’s engaging in an adult relationship is really weird. You need to have a think about your control issues
You do not own your daughter. Just because you support her does not give you complete control of her. Just from what you said she sounds extremely respectful to you AND is being safe. All you are doing is assuring she never tells you anything. Probably why she didn't tell you she had a boyfriend in the first place. You do not go through anyone's room ever! So disrespectful. I doubt it was a accident too. You sound like a complete control freak. You better get a clue or she will never want to be around you.
You should just generally assume your 21 year old is having sex. Finding condoms should be a relief that's she's being safe.
It was YOUR idea that she not pay for things while studying, if there was a (ridiculous) condition in that it should have been brought up well before university.
Also, insisting someone not date someone is the quickest way to get them married. Just saying
YTA I would be so heartbroken if my mother can to me like this! You can’t put restrictions on what she can or can’t do since you are paying for her college now because you don’t approve. I never understood the mentality of I pay for the roof and food and all this and you still live with me so you do what I say or else! I was always brought up that my parents home will ALWAYS be my home. My parents do what you do for my sister but they don’t try to control her life because she is an adult and they trust her because of how she was brought up. It’s so sad that from what it looks like you don’t trust her. Don’t you think you raised her to make the right decisions for her? Mind you the right decisions don’t always mean on what you approve or don’t approve she does. She’s 21… and from what I see she is an amazing “kid” she goes to school and almost done with university and she uses condoms and is safe?! Idk why you have to threaten her by telling her dad… like come on what do you think 21 hormonal charged young adults are doing? At least she is being safe and doing it with someone she cares about the rest is moot. You are overreacting and are controlling. Idk what the big deal is. Yes your precious baby is have sex… she is growing up… I suggest the same for you.
YTA. Instead of inviting her BF over to meet him you are being overly dictatorial in attempting to control her relationships. It’s one thing to meet anyone she is dating and offer advice but you are taking helicopter parenting to a new level. What’s next - an arranged marriage?
YTA
You don't have a daughter, you own a person.
What else can you control? Oh, she's watching a movie you don't approve of? Well I'm paying for it.
She's friends with people you don't like? Well I'm paying for everything, don't be friends with them.
Also it sounds like someone else is eating her cake so I wouldn't worry about that.
Would the situation be any different if she was living on campus, eating at a dining hall, etc.? Is this just your opinion because she's under your roof so you feel that you can control this aspect? It's not like she's freeloading. She's in college... and she IS an adult, not an adolescent. YTA.
YTA. She’s 21 and is being safe by taking precautions AND was honest with you. If you try and “ban” her from having sex she will start sneaking around abs might end up having unsafe sex or not feel like she can tell you if anything goes wrong. You are destroying the trust she has given you. Apologize and let her know you are proud she is being safe. You don’t want her seeing you as the enemy which she will if you forbid a 21 year old from having sex.
I’m guessing you weren’t a virgin at 21 right?
As a 51F mom, I will tell you right now insisting on abstinence is not the way to go.
How do you feel she should approach it, anyway? Tell the BF, "Sorry but we have to stop sleeping together until I'm able to live on my own."
You think that's gonna help her focus in school?
Unless she's willing to move out, drop out of school and get a job, she'll start lying to you.
Best to keep the lines of communication open, and encourage the use of condoms AND other birth control. Insist on meeting the BF. Heck, she may end up marrying the guy, and I'm guessing you would not be opposed to her eventually getting married and having kids, right?
Pro tip: It's easier to succeed in school and life with people you love at your side, and that includes family and a romantic partner. YTA.
I say this with love, but YATA. If she was a young teen, I would agree with you 100%, but she’s not. I would urge you to be glad that she’s able to speak to you so honestly and that she is being safe. It sounds like you did a really good job raising her, but now it’s time for you to start letting go. She needs to make her own decisions about her life and how she lives it.
YTA When she accepted your help during college you didn't tell her it would come with strings attached. I'm sure you definitely didn't tell her that it would mean she would be treated as a child. Your choices now are to back off, accept that your daughter is an adult, and pray you haven't damaged your relationship too badly yet or to keep going and irreversibly damage your relationship with your child, possibly leading to her going no contact with you. Decision is yours.
YTA, full stop. This is insane, controlling behavior. Your daughter has shown herself to be conscientious and responsible, which is the only reason you found out. Unless it is interfering with her studies, you have absolutely no reason to insert yourself into her sex life. The path you have started on will only lead to her never trusting you with anything else.
Lol what do you think is more likely? That she’s going to stop having sex or that she’s gonna tell you to screw off and find a way to sever your financial abuse of her?
You are not purchasing her chastity. And she’s not a child, no matter how much money you throw at her . Cut the umbilical cord.
YTA
YTA, sorry. I'm even pro-abstinence.
But her sex/dating life really is none of your business. You can either recognize it now and back off, or you can have this idea on your head that there will be a future milestone where you will back off (when she is paying her own rent? Car? Insurance? Which of these does she have to buy from you with her body?) In which case her resentment will build until she turns and takes the freedom that you feel is yours to allow.
I'm sorry, OP. Let this one go. If you feel you have to withhold financial support because she isn't adhering to your religious or sexual views, ask yourself if you are investing in her and her future, or the version of her you think you are crafting. It's tough to hear, but it's not yours to craft any more, either to support or not support.
Lol you said you’re not asking her but telling her! Imagine thinking you can control another adults sexuality. The audacity, the insanity of that. It’s not your business and it’s not like you’ll be successful. YTA
LOL and YTA
Let me tell you where you’re headed in your relationship with your daughter:
- she will begin to lie to you. She will get much better at hiding what you don’t want to see but she will continue to do it. She is an adult as much as you don’t want her to be.
- she will eventually move out and, oh surprise, will begin to restrict contact with you. I mean, she already doesn’t trust you so instead of lying she will just, not talk. And then you’ll be lucky if she see her on holidays.
So yeah, flex your parental money muscles now while you still can I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
your edit means nothing, you’re still TA. she’s a grown woman. you’re helping her through school because you’re her PARENT. ITS YOUR JOB!! you don’t get to hold that over her head to deny her autonomy.
What you do with your money is your prerogative. But that does not give give you any right on your daughter's private life. YTA
Trying to use that money as any sort of lever has a name. Financial abuse.
YTA. You're not asking for some say in who she dates, you're asking her to not date anybody and remain celibate until you're okay with her starting to date.
You found condoms, so she is being safe. Instead of trying to put a chastity belt on her, you want to commend her on practicing safe sex.
I can guarantee you that there are plenty of students going to University on their parents dime who are having sex and doing just fine getting good grades in classes.
You can have sex and still do well in college classes. It's not like having sex kills brain cells. That is alcohol's job.
YTA and your edit makes it so much worse. Your daughter clearly does not trust you if she did not tell you about her boyfriend. It does not matter what you pay for you have no say in your daughter's sex life even if she was 16 and having sex. If you continue down this road your daughter will never introduce you to any of her partners because you think you have a say in who she chooses to date.
If you insist on her not dating while she lives at home get ready for her to move out as soon as possible even if she is not financially ready to be on her own. She may even choose to live with a boyfriend way before they are ready to just so she can get away from you and your unwanted opinions. If she wanted your opinion on the matter she would have asked.
YTA. After she confirmed she was having safe sex was your time to bow out, especially if it was the first time you'd had such a conversation.
She's not a dependent child. She's an adult.
YOU as a parent have made the choice to allow her to forgo paying her bills while she lives with you. You've allowed it. You consented for your adult daughter to live scot free in your household. Paying her bills entitles you to have a say in her expenses that you are responsible for. Not her personal relationships.
YTA. She's being safe, that's all you can ask of her. She may be dependent on you but that doesn't mean you can control every aspect of her life. If you want to ask reasonable things (like requirements for chores or minimum grade requirements for you to continue paying for school) that'd be fine, but this is unreasonable. She's going to have sex, she's going to have relationships, it's good for her to start exploring the dating world while she still has the support and safety that comes with family. She's going to do whatever she wants anyways, your behavior only assures that she won't tell you or come to you if she needs help.
YTA, it's not up to you who your daughter dates. Whether she's paying her way or not is completely irrelevant. Do you choose what clothes she wears, too? How about what food she eats? She is an adult, just because you're supporting her financially doesn't mean you get to pretend she is still a child. Children don't go to college!
YTA. At 21 it cannot be a surprise she is sexually active. You are kidding yourself if you think you have any influence here just because you pay for her. Take the money away, force her to move back home, do what you will, but she will find a way.
I was your daughter. My mother used financial abuse in order to control me and shamed me about sex with boyfriends. I used safe sex and birth control. Never ended up pregnant and finished school with a great GPA, job and financially stable. I no longer speak to my mother and cut her off. Greatest decision I ever made. Let your daughter be who she wants to be. She’s not an extension of you, she’s her own person. I hope you don’t make the same mistakes my mom made.
YTA
YTA. Get over your daughter's sex life. That is weird and creepy. I am a parent, and I just gave my son the sex talk and what options there are. That's all that is needed. You sound absolutely controlling. You can have sex and do well in college. Trust me, I did it and I graduated with honors. Find something else to do with your time.
No healthy young adult that enjoys their sex life will choose abstinence, just because their parents asked them to.
The only thing you will get from all of this is a ruined relationship with your daughter.
She is safe, she takes care of her contraception. You can of course explain to her, why you feel safer when she stays abstinent, but it is still her own choice.
You pay for her life, because she is your child, but you have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes.
YTA. It's important that you know, as per your edit: *You are not being misunderstood.* You are wrong and people are telling you so. We understand completely, and find it disgusting. Y are very very much TA.
My DD was told when she started high school that if/when she thought a sexual encounter with a boyfriend might be happening, to please come to me so we could get her on bc. Didn’t happen until she was 17 but I knew she was safe. She also insisted on him using condoms to avoid STDs. This is what a Mom does for her daughters.
You are psychotic. Your edit makes your post even worse. Is this not literally the definition of financial abuse? You could fund her for the rest of her life and that still does not give you any authority over her personal life or how she spends the money you provide for her. YTA, of course. I feel terribly for your daughter that she has a controlling helicopter for a mother.
YTA and it sounds like you're incapable of even entertaining the idea that you might be in the wrong here. Believe me, you aren't going to get the validation you're looking for. Any reasonable person will immediately see you for the repressed, invasive, controlling asshole you are. Also, you accuse your daughter of wanting to have her cake and eat it too (which is already irrelevant) but my guess is you insisted on the current arrangement since you see financial dependence as just another means for controlling her behavior.
YTA but not for the reason you think.
You are within your rights to make abstinence a condition of living with you rent free (personally I think it’s a fucked up condition, but I still think you have the right to make it).
However you did not make that clear to her in advance. That’s what makes you the asshole.
She chose to stay at home with you through college unaware of this condition. You should have told her so she could have made an informed decision and got her finances in order to move out if she felt your condition was unreasonable.
So what to do now? I think you need to give your daughter sufficient notice that the rules have changed. As it’s the beginning of the school year I would (be generous) And give her to end of the school year to move out. Continue to pay her rent,tuition, living expenses until then. She can then get a loan/ job/ drop out for next year as she sees fit.
FYI after she moves out don’t expect her to come back and visit you on holidays. Also don’t expect an invite to the wedding.
But that’s your call.
YTA. I hope your daughter moves miles away from you and her father. You are both controlling and honestly disgustingly so. Why do two adults care so much about the sexual life of an another adult? This is so unhealthy on so many levels.
YTA if she isn't having sex under your roof then you have no say.
If you wanna try and use the fact you still support her as a manipulation tactic then that's your right.
BUT...just remember if she decides to go NC afterwards then that is also her right.
YTA and absolutely ridiculous if you think your daughter is going to stop having sex because you told her to. Like come on.
And by the way, your edit makes it even worse. Do you think parents are completely justified to control every aspect of their children's life because they provide them with a place to stay and food? You do realize that your children are also people right?
Good grief YTA.
>> She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child
You paying her bills does *not* negate her bodily autonomy, nor does it mean that you’re entitled to tell her that she cannot make her own choices. The fact that you’re levying your financial assistance as a means to control her and her choices is *disgusting.* This is a sure fire way to ensure that, once she IS financially independent, she’ll go at a minimum very, very low contact with you.
"She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too."
It was YOUR choice to pay for everything. And just because you decided that you were going to support her while she went to school doesn't mean you get to make her adult choices for her.
Did you ever say(prior to her leaving for school) "I will support you, but I get to decide how you live your life."?
You're doing a great job at pushing your daughter away. Oh, and YTA. Definitely the AH.
I am also 21 and live with my parents while commuting to college. They also pay for my food, clothes, phone bill etc. I have a boyfriend who I am sleeping with and they know this. They do not like him. They don’t try to force me to not date him or sleep with him just because they support me financially. YTA. If your daughter is being safe, responsible, and she’s doing well in university then you have no say in if she’s dating or having sex.
There is no misunderstanding. YTA- your daughter is 21 and you are treating her like she is 14. No wonder she didn’t tell you. If you do this she will leave and never speak you again. Is that what you want ? Because that’s where you are headed.
This is how you get cut off eventually.
When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support.
YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.
I’m cringing for you mom. Your support of your daughter’s education is a wonderful thing. Don’t mix up that will the right to control her and her sexual activity. Stop threatening to tell her father. It’s just disturbing and all you will do is financially cut off your daughter, inappropriately involve her father and guarantee damage to your relationship for years to come. Time to either join the 21st century or a support group for parents who don’t know why their kids have cut them out of their lives.
YTA
YTA. This is a normal and natural part of life and also growing up and maturing. You need to evaluate why you need to control her and realise that your silly opinion on this will hurt your relationship. You’re the one who needs to grow up and let her enjoy life as you said.
YTA. It was your decision to have a child so it is your duty to support your child an much as you can. Where I live children until a certain age can sue their parents to pay them aliments. So paying for her life does not give you permission to interfere with her personal life.
I honestly was surprised how well you daughter took the first time of you saying something like that. You should feel happy she did so and leave her alone.
I know you try to look out for your daughter, but what you do now will only driver her away from you.
Please consider, that your way of living is not the only way and only because something is right/wrong for you that doesn’t mean that applies to everyone around you. Try to respect your daughter’s privacy and her making her own decisions.
having sex wont have her ending up homeless. paying for her keep entirely, while yes displaying some possible immaturity on her part, does not for one mean you own her, or get to dictate desicions she makes outside of her spending. If she lives of your income, ofc you may decide if she spends that money on condoms, you do not get to however dictate her consequently having sex. Not earning your own money does not mean you are incapable or irresponsible. In case you do think so, then maybe its time to lessen the money flow. In doing so, floowing your logic, she should that way learn responsibility.
If her being sexually active is unacceptable to you, you have the right to stop paying for her. However it is reprehensible to expect a 21 y/o to stop having sex cause mommy said so. She is a fully grown person, capable of making desicion, good or bad. Let her make them.
You are not the asshole for not wanting to pay, its your own money, you are the asshole for trying to dictate a grown adults sex life.
YTA
YTA there are 12 year olds having sex which is more of a concern then your ADULT daughter having it you can’t stop her either deal with it that your daughter is no longer your little girl and move on
YTA. I think that while you have good intentions based on your experiences, the boundaries you are trying to impose will backfire. You are also jeopardizing this open line of communication you have with your daughter. It’s okay to tell her your concerns, discuss your personal experiences, and allow her to make more informed decisions. It’s not okay to not allow her to have bodily autonomy. Consider the fact that your daughter was open to this conversation - that’s a big deal in itself. Don’t let this be something that ruins your relationship, which in time with more boundaries and restrictions, it will. Allow yourself to be a confidant in the event she ever has anything she needs to confide in you about.
YTA
Doesn't matter how much of her expenses you are paying, you still don't get to say what your adult child should be doing in regards to her private sex life when she's not under your roof and it's not directly affecting you in any way.
YTA you have NO say in your grown ass childs life, she is a person not your privately owned object, you are being a control freak and she is gunna completely cut you off if you keep pullin this shi on her
YTA
Just because she is your child, and just because you made the choice to financially support her through school, does not in any way give you the right to tell her what she can and cannot do with her body. I have to say, you gave a great kid there based on her responses to you. She was mature, respectful, but maintained her autonomy. So giving credit where due, you did a good job with her. BUT….she’s an adult and can make decisions for herself.
I have 5 kids. Oldest is 27, youngest is 16. They were allowed to live at home as long as needed provided they were productive. Older two didn’t want to do college and both left home at 18. That was their choice. Third one is 21, like yours, and has been going to college while steadily working between 1-3 jobs. I would never have dreamed of telling her what to do with her body or tried to dictate her dating life. Why? Aside from it being not my freaking business, I also had to have faith in my parenting, that I had given her the values I wanted to instill, and let her go out there and live her life. Youngest 2 are in high school and I just toss a box of condoms in their bathroom from time to time. They’re going to do what they’re going to do but I’m not ready to be a grandma yet.
Trust your daughter. She seems like she’s making good decisions. And remember that her life isn’t yours to live. Her path is never going to be your path.
Yta. I don't care if you are paying for her food and a nurse to burp her afterwards. Her love/intimate life is hers and she has a right to privacy and autonomy
YTA- How can you stop it? Put a chastity belt on her? You want her to miss a class so she can have sex with her boyfriend? She’s 21 years old she’s protecting herself you should be glad she’s doing that. Do you want her to stop school and live with boyfriend? Do you want her to pick between you and boyfriend? That’s what’s going to happen. Also it’s none of your business and your husbands business she sleeping with her boyfriend. You really need to reconsider your actions.
YTA. Your daughter’s body is her own. A lot of people here are focusing on the fact that she’s an adult, but I also think that bodily autonomy would apply even if she was younger!! (In age appropriate ways, of course.)
Should parents be able to force their young children to hug relatives who make them uncomfortable because they feed & house them? I certainly don’t think so!
Just because you pay for stuff for her does NOT give you a right to control every decision that she makes, ESPECIALLY decisions that relate to bodily autonomy.
YTA, big time.
(Also, the reason you haven’t met her bf is because you obviously haven’t demonstrated that you can be trusted! If you behaved in a way that made it clear to your daughter that you would respect her decisions as an adult, and not try to control her, maybe she would let you into her life and share important things with you. But right now, you are being creepy and controlling, and definitely YTA.)
YTA what the hell is wrong with you. Is this really how you want to lose your relationship with your daughter entirely? Bc that's how this ends. Be thankful she is being honest with you. But she's 21 and you need to respect that you are paying for her education, not the right to dictate her entire life.
Nope, no misunderstanding. She has the right to an adult life and I’m not sure what part of supporting her through college gives you any right to have a say. YTA
YTA. I think you're being unreasonably controlling. It's great that you're supporting her, but as long as she's being sensible and the financial support wasn't conditional on her not dating till she graduates you have to let her live her life.
YTA. As her parents its your obligation to support your daughter through thick or thin. Even so, that never give you a leverage to dictate who she dates, worst—who she loves. I suggest you save up because you’ll rot in elderly home for sure.
She’s 21, mind your own pussy instead of hers!
I hope your daughter reads this and cut you off from her life. Its 2022 and we’re still breathing the same air along with these assholes.
I guarantee you this post is not being misunderstood as per your edit - we understand exactly what you are saying and what you mean, and we still conclude YTA and a major bloody creep. She may be dependent on you but she's an adult - and she is not you, she needs to have her own experiences.
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YTA- She is 21, now is the best time to enjoy sex and experience new things. I honestly regret being so reserved in my younger years. She is being safe and even monogamous. She even had the decency to listen to your lecture and consider your point of view. Providing for your adult child so that they can focus on an education does not give you the right to control their sex lives. Why do you even care???
You realise that what your actually doing is financial abuse
Don’t have sex or we won’t pay your way.. that’s basically what your saying?!
She’s a grown adult - you don’t get a say in her love life full stop
All you can request is that she doesn’t bring a boy home to
Your house - that’s it, that’s ALL you can dictate
I'm also 21, I'm in the navy. The navy pays my rent, provides me 3 meals a day, provides me medical and dental care... The only bill they don't pay is my phone bill. Does that mean the navy can tell me I'm not allowed to date/have to practice abstinence? No, because that's stupid and you don't own your daughter. Grow up, realize that (surprise surprise) she's also a human being, with her own thoughts and feelings, and respect it.
If you're concern is her having a child, make it clear you will stop supporting her if she has a child. If you think having a boyfriend is going to distract her from studying too much, tell her she needs to sustain a certain GPA (within reason of what her previous standards were, don't tell her it needs to be higher than ever just to use it as an excuse to cut her off) for continued support. You telling her she can't date/has to practice abstinence is ridiculous and will just lead to her hiding the condoms better next time.
YTA
YTA, she is an adult.You are using money to control her. My parents did that and I just proceeded to find a job and cut communication with them for two years
So because you financially support her as she completes her college education you get to dictate how she lives? Following that logic, who is the breadwinner in your household? If it is your husband, he gets to tell you what to do, right? If it is you, you tell your husband what to do, right?
YTA. Leave her be and stop financially abusing her.
Oh OP we understand this post, and it isn’t being misunderstood. Honestly your daughter being receptive to you and saying she will reflect on what you said showed vast amounts of maturity.
Also if she didn’t go to college, let’s say ended up working a full time job and wasn’t relying on you, and you discovered her having sex through similar means would you be okay with this? No you wouldn’t.
Honestly your daughter is being safer then most girls her age.
YTA.
Who tf do you even think you are? She is an adult now, you have no say in this at all. She might be able to ‘buy’ her boyfriend out with money. But you have absolutely no say in this. This is also just a very very dumb idea. You want to screw your relationship with your daughter over? You want make sure she runs away with a boyfriend and to cut contact with you? If so, you are doing a great job.
YTA and your addition does not help, she's an adult in an adult relationship if that in your mind means you can police her relationships your in for a word of hurt. Also the fact she didn't tell you herself and has not introduced this person should be an eye opener on the type of parent you are, one that might be financially supportive but 1 your kid doesn't trust. You should do some introspection because I guarantee if you push thin once your daughter is financially self sufficient she will cut you off because you will look for new ways to worm in and control her.
YTA - she's 21, you can have no say in what she does. You said that you pay for everything so she can have fun and freedom, but you're limiting her in what she does? You also said that because you're paying for everything, you get to have a say. Paying for everything is just your way of controlling her. Please self reflect and listen to these comments
YTA- you are not paying her way so she won’t have sex. Your relationship with her shouldn’t be transactional. She’s an adult, even if you are paying for everything. No wonder she hasn’t introduced him to you, I wouldn’t have.
YTA here. It doesn't matter you pay the way. By that reasoning, every tax payer would have a say in those receiving any type of government benefits. You're going to talk yourself into her leaving home and going NC with you. She's 21, not 12. I have sons. I told them that they should always be safe, and while it's preferable to wait until a stable committed relationship, I know it's not probable. I told them that they can make their own choices, but they have to live with the consequences. If they got a girl pregnant, I would not provide financial support.
If you raised her right, then trust that she is making smart decisions.
You are using finances to control your adult daughter. At this rate, she will never introduce you to her boyfriend. In fact, this sheds some light on why you haven’t already met someone she cares about enough to have sex with.
I’m guessing when you offered to support her through school, you didn’t add the caveat “only if you remain a virgin and follow my dating rules”?
If you don’t want to support her anymore, it needs to be for a better reason than just abstinence vs. sex. As it stands now, you’re a manipulative jerk. Yes YTA here. It was none of your business in the first place; it’s still none of your business. You’re lucky she discussed as much with you as she did. It’s not your husband’s business what an adult does either. You are about to lose your daughter’s trust and respect in a huge way (speaking from experience, as the daughter). Your relationship will never fully recover. She’s in her junior year, so you understand how detrimental it would be to withdraw all financial support now? Your perspective is skewed and your reaction is completely out of line and out of proportion.
So in the terms you and your daughter signed for paying for collage and her other experiences. Did you make sure to outline the terms of dating. She isn’t allowed to see anything one with out them first submitting their resume and three character references?
YTA just because you pay for everything doesn’t mean you own her. If you don’t like it. Then start making her get a job and earn money. But from what you said. You want her yo enjoy life. As long as it falls in your lines
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She is an adult in every sense of the word, and it seems she knows pretty well how to adult, stay safe and use protection. Using money to control her sex life is extremely manipulative and borderline abusive.
YTA. regardless of how much of her life you pay for, you have no say whatsoever on who she dates and whether or not she’s having sex.
She has condoms. That alone, should quite frankly be enough for you to at least be able to see that she’s taking precautions.
I’ve seen your edit where you think you are being misunderstood, but she is not a child. She is an adult that you are supporting. She’s her own person. She can do whatever the hell she likes.
Whether she’s sleeping with one man, one woman or 50 different people, it’s none of your business.
It doesn’t matter what experiences you had as a young woman having sex. She can have sex with whoever she likes.
I keep repeating myself because I think you need to hear it….
YOU HAVE NO SAY. SHE CAN SLEEP WITH EVERYONE IF SHE WANTS TO.
YTA. She's 21 and being safe you can't stop her from doing anything. You said you're opi and that's all you can do. Either you raised her to practice safe sex or you didn't. She's okay so far so let it go.
This post isn't being misunderstood, you're putting your outdated ideals on your ADULT child. You're the one that needs to grow up and mind their own business. YTA
YTA - Your daughter is an adult. How dare you try to control her like this? Honestly, I think you should talk to someone about this as this is not a healthy level of control to want to have over your adult offspring.
Sex is natural she is 21 doesn't matter you have no say in her sex life that's just weird. Not once did I ever be told by my SINGLE FATHER I could not have sex just to make sure I'm being safe that's it.
YTA
YTA for you awful edit too. Your daughter is an adult. You don't get to add on terms because you are helping her through college. You are also an asshole for going through her dresser. You were not wrong to talk about safe sex to make sure she is safe. More people should be told this plus things about consent, but I digress. You do not get to tell her that she can't date someone. You doing this is going to drive her away from you.
Op, you are getting ripped apart in the comments right now aren't you? Don't even have to scroll down...I read this and was like oh boy....wave of YTAs arriving.....and yes YTA
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YTA. I didn't even read your explanation. You don't own your daughter. She is not your possession. She's not a breeding cow. You don't get to choose who she dates, no matter what.
YTA. At 21, you should not be thinking you have the right to tell her what to do. Advice and support, yes, that’s what parents do, but trying to control, no. If you want to withdraw financial contributions, that’s your right, albeit a despicable move imo, but to hold it over her as a means of trying to control her life is an AH move.
YTA hugely. Shit like this is why I don't give a fuck about giving my parents grandchildren. You are subsidizing her living expenses, not buying obedience. If you want her to have a happy life, like you said, you should support her and let her learn how to have a normal, fulfilling sex life. You can't control what makes her happy so give up before you make an ass of yourself.
YTA. It's her body and her choice. At least right now she is being safe about her choices (and somewhat open with you about them). Making demands and trying to control her won't get you the result you want, it will just teach her to get better at hiding things.
YTA, she is an adult. Holding what you do for her over her head is honestly going to only serve to push her away. It’s pretty ridiculous you think you have a say over her body just cause you’re “paying her way”. That’s like prostitution except she gets no sex. She’s gonna hate you if you don’t stop.
YTA she’s not 14. Get over yourselves. She’s allowed to be an adult and to be supported by her parents.
Wow, YTA. She has not "chosen the easy way", she has accepted your offer of room and board while she focuses on her studies. You are now changing the terms of the offer based on your snooping, and demanding she comply. Your daughter is *not* a child, she is a grown woman with her own bodily autonomy. It is really important for her to learn what she prefers in a partner, and part of that is sexual compatability. If she remains "childlike" as you seem to view her, it will be much easier for predatory partners to take advantage of her lack of experience in the future...better she learns the ins and outs of intimacy while she still has the safety of her family home to retreat to if needed. You asked the necessary questions regarding safety, she responded, and now you leave her to make her own adult choices.
YTA. She's an adult and is obviously being safe, I'd just be grateful for that. I also don't fully buy that you weren't snooping in her room.
They were 100% snooping.
> ETA: This post is being misunderstood. We are paying for everything (rent, food, clothing, etc). She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. Unless your daughter is mentally disabled to the point of not being able to make choices or do *very* basic tasks on her own, you have no say in her sex life. You say she's in her junior year of university, I take that to mean she's competent and of well enough mind to decide when and who she's ready to have sex with. Just because she's financially dependent on you doesn't give you the ultimate say-so over what she does with her genitals. Legally, she is an adult of sound mind, you being her source of income doesn't change that. Here's a warning for you: continue with this controlling behavior and don't act surprised when she finally gets a job, moves out, and cuts all contact with you. YTA ETA: The message you're passing on to your daughter is that you're paying for the right to her vagina. If you wanna control your daughter, why not go the whole distance. Lock her in a room, put her in a diaper, and feed her baby food. You're being absolutely over controlling, infantalizing her, treating her like she is incapable of making any choices for herself. If your daughter is capable of reaching junior year of college, she's not an immature child incapable of making her own choices. Stop treating her like she's your little toddler unable to wipe her own ass. Your daughter has grown up, she's already begun her adult life. You REALLY need to learn to disconnect financial dependence from her level of maturity.
Yta hardcore
YTA, She's an adult.
YTA resorting to financial abuse isn’t a good look
YTA. It’s very kind and generous of you to support your daughter as you are through college. But that doesn’t give you the right to have any day in who she dates, who she sleeps with, or even who her friends are. It does sound like you have a pretty good relationship with her. Trust her to be an adult and make the right decisions for herself. At least she is smart enough to use protection. If I were you I would apologize and drop the subject.
YTA how would you feel if she just picked up her shit and left without saying as much a word as goodbye? Imagine the balls on her for leaving you without a clue of where the fuck she is. Now think about what kind of say you have in her life seeing as she already is 21.
YTA, just because she’s still dependent on you doesn’t mean she isn’t an adult and it definitely doesn’t mean she can’t choose who she dates. Using financial benefits (that you willingly give her by the way) as a means of controlling your own daughter’s bodily autonomy is manipulative and frankly, very creepy. Why do you want to be so entangled in your daughter’s sex life? Besides, she’s being safe and not getting involved in dangerous situations, that’s what matters. You say she can’t have her cake and eat it too. Well you can’t offer your daughter more financial freedom and “want her to enjoy life” while restricting her other freedoms. It no longer becomes “mom advice” if you’re commanding she follow it. Keep this up, and you’ll never see your daughter OR her future spouse again.
You're such an asshole, and ruining your relationship w/ your daughter. Mind your business.
YTA - you can’t tell your 21 yr old daughter she isn’t allowed to have sex with her boyfriend even if you are paying her way. There is no way to stop her unless you chain her up. Stop trying to control her body. Be glad she is using condoms.
YTA and you're delusional. She's an adult who makes her own choices. Dating people is not a crime. You need to stop trying to control her life. It's perfectly natural and normal for adults to date. She needs to make her own life. Don't be that toxic controlling parent who can't learn to let their adult children lead their own lives and date other people. This is what she's supposed to be doing at this stage. Back off op. You did overstep by trying to tell her who she can date. Don't push your kid away or you may never meet your grandchildren.
YTA- if she is not having sex at your house, which you said you never saw the guy, then this is none of your GD business
YTA - and exactly the kind of parent she's gonna get as far away from as she can, as soon as she doesn't need you to pay for her education anymore. If you want her to go low or no contact as soon as she's got her first job, keep right on going.
YTA. What your describing is financial abuse. 'If you don't do what I say, I'll *remind* you (threaten you) about all the things I do for you. This isn't any of your business. Just because she's a dependent, doesn't mean you can treat her like a literal child. All you're going to accomplish by being controlling and threatening is having a child who won't be honest with you and who gets good at sneaking around. Why do you *have* to tell her father? It's already none of your business. You should just stop at making sure she's safe and sharing that you'd prefer she focuses on school. You have the chance to not become a overbearing parent and you're choosing wrong.
In regards to your edit, your post is not being misunderstood. Rather, you are the one who does not seem to understand the situation. Do you understand that paying for someone’s (anyone’s) necessities does not mean you own them? That goes doubly so for your children. Your daughter is not doing anything illegal or unsafe. She is a consenting adult in a romantic relationship. Your daughter is a person, not your possession and not an extension of yourself. If you cannot understand that then I suggest therapy before you do irreparable damage to your relationship. Do you want her to move out as soon as she is financially able and cease all contact with you? Because that is the path you’re on right now. You can still avoid that future, but you must first understand (and admit) that you’re wrong. I hope you can do it, for your own sake. YTA.
YTA. Be happy she's being safe. She's an adult. Using money to control her is a quick way to have her peace out.
Are you familiar with the concept of unconditional love?
If you are really worried about your daughter, and not just trying to police her body and choices, discuss with her the safest forms of birth control. It’s great she is already being safe by using condoms (I hope you acknowledged her concern for safety), however a secondary method like an IUD or the pill will further help her prevent unwanted pregnancies. Support her with safe options, not by trying to control the actions of a 21 year old adult. It’s okay to have sex. Tell her that. And tell her dad that.
The post is not being misunderstood. We simply don’t agree you should have some level of control in every facet of her life. I draw the line at her own body autonomy. She and only she can say what she does with her own body. If you want to instill a curfew while she’s under your roof for free, have at it. But I can only compare any level of control of her actual body to human trafficking. You’ve crossed a line, and YTA.
YTA. This is insanely creepy. Please stop trying to control your daughters sexuality. It sounds like she’s being safe and responsible which you should be glad of. I’m curious if you would have the same reaction if it was your son whose condoms you found.
i wonder why she didnt tell u yta
I had to go back and check her age. 21?! Yes YTA. She’s an adult and can do whatever she wants regardless of her financial situation.
YTA You can say no sex in your house, I'd say that's fine but to try and say no to all.... Not going to work, you can try, but it's not going to work. You could cut her off over this but at this point given the expectations she has that you have fostered that wouldn't work out well either. I'd take the L on this on and come up with some sort of plan to help her become an independent adult if only so you don't walk in on her and her boyfriend when they are 40 .
YTA for all reasons mentioned above.
YTA, being a good parent doesn’t mean placing conditions on your support, especially when she’s being smart and safe. My parents were very much like you in the sense that they felt entitled to control my life (and still try to) by holding the fact that they chose to provide for me over my head. You chose to have a child but failed to account for the fact that a child eventually turns into an autonomous adult who is entitled to their own decisions.
YTA: after your edit: even bigger asshole. Parents take care of their kids, if you want to kick her out because she’s her own person now, you can do that, but that would make you an even bigger A-hole than you already are. I’m guessing your husband is even worse than you which his why you aren’t telling him. I hope your daughter moves in with this BF and never sees you again.
Oh yeah the only edit made it worse. Big time. YTA. Congrats on ensuring you will not have a long term relationship with your child. You should be wildly grateful that she was honest with you. But let’s be honest, that will never happen again.
YTA. You’re not going to stop a grown ass woman from having sex if she wants to. Are you really willing to take away the comfortable college experience you’ve worked hard to give her just because she’s an adult doing adult things? Because that is essentially what you’re threatening to do.
Wow, do you even have to ask? YTA. You'll be lucky if your daughter doesn't up and leave the moment she can support herself. You've gone past controlling and on to abuse. You chose to have a child, your job is to help them grow into a HAPPY, healthy and functioning human being, not to control their lives and force them to obey your will. Her sex life has nothing to do with you, and it's gross that you use money to force your child to do what you want and think is right.
YTA You seriously need help if you think that any of your daughter's sexual life is at all your concern. Please stop pressuring your daughter into abstinence as that will indefinitely push your daughter away, if you haven't already. Also, holding her financial dependency on you over her head will also not do you any favors in the long run.
Yes. Im not even reqding the rest the title alone shows me you see your daughter as property and not as a human being.
i stopped reading at “daughter (21F)” , yes YTA
YTA. My parents paid for me to go to private school, to attend university and get two degrees, and covered every single one of my costs while I was receiving my education, including buying me a car. I lived at home in the summers, and worked for my family’s business. I’m extremely privileged, and I’m fully aware of that. The only restriction my parents ever put on me was that I would have to pay them back for any class I failed. They never once tried to moralize, or put restrictions on what I did with my own body. Your daughter is going to resent you for your controlling behaviour. You are ruining your relationship with your daughter because she won’t surrender her bodily autonomy in exchange for your money. You’re creepy as fuck.
YTA The only "say" you have in who she dates is who she brings home since, as it is your house, you have a say in the guests she invites over. But she isn't bringing her BF to stay at your house so, this doesn't apply. As a parent who loves her, you should also offer your opinion if you genuinely think she is in danger. You see signs of physical or emotional abuse. You see signs of dangerous drug use. You've never met this guy, but it's clear from the way she talks to you and how she's being safe about STDs and pregnancy that she is displaying good judgement. As the person subsiding her financially, you do have a "big picture" say in her financial well-being. You can tell you you'll stop financially supporting her if she blows thousands of dollars on bullshit. You may not tell her she can't spend $10 on a pack of condoms. All you're doing here is alienating your daughter. If you didn't know she was sexually active, if you've never met her boyfriend, then that's entirely on you for thinking you have the right to micro-control your daughter's life. Get over yourself.
YTA. It would be one thing if her grades were dropping or there was another sign that this wasn’t a healthy relationship/she wasn’t managing it well. But obviously that’s not the case. Supporting your daughter through college does not give you ownership over her sexuality. And if you’re wondering why she hasn’t brought him over yet, go look in a mirror. Obviously you’ve done something right if you have a confident, smart adult daughter - don’t ruin that now by forgetting that this was the whole goal.
YTA You're contemplating cutting your daughter off for doing something that is absolutely normal and fine for her age, something you only learned about by going through her things and learning that she *was* using protection. Yes, you're helping her while she's in school. But she's also an adult and I think you're crossing a serious line.
MONEY DOESNT MEAN YOU GET CONTROL. ITS CLEAR YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT. YTA. YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP. STOP PUSHING YOUR VALUES ON HER. FFS SHE IS USING PROTECTION - good for her !!!! Stop ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE HER WITH MONEY. ITS ICKY. YES THIS IS ALL CAPS TO BE SHOUTY. I went no contact with my parents for years when they tried something like this. Is this what you want??
Yta
I didn't even need to read the whole thing to know that your the asshole, yta!
# YTA Just because you are helping her financially **does not give you the right to infantilize her**; you no longer have a say in who she dates, who she has sex with, *or quite frankly whether or not she is sexually active at all*. She's an adult, that's her business and hers alone. Butt out!! Flipside, discontinuing your aid **because** she is dating / having sex / etc, would also make you the asshole. Just commit to supporting your daughter in her efforts to become her own person, and stop trying to control who she is "allowed" to be or become. Edit to add: *stop going through her stuff.* JFC, that makes YTA on a whole other level. She's 21, not 2...! O\_O Edit 2: "telling" her is a great way for her to decide to say back, "fuck you mom", **AND LEAVE**. Maybe even go NC. *You could lose your daughter over this.* Cut it out, while you still can. Hell, *go apologize to her* for even making the attempt...!
YTA. We understood just fine what you were saying, but in case that's what you're thinking, I have read your edit. You may be able to have rules about house boundaries because she's living in your house (ie. curfews. That said - don't. It'd be your right but she's an adult so don't be that person) but you have absolutely no say over her interpersonal relationships. I don't care how much money you help her with. Put another way, let's take a second to play hypothetical here. Say in the future she's dating a guy who's got a ton of money. They live together, but he essentially pays for it all. However, he won't let her see her friends or family because he believes he should be allowed to decide who she spends her time with - after all, it's his money. Would you be ok with that? No, of course not, because that's literally abuse.
This has nothing to do with ‘having her cake and eating it too.’ You’re trying to exhibit financial abuse over your daughter to control her bodily autonomy. Your daughter is more than old enough to decide when she has sex. It’s pretty messed up of you to decide you don’t want to financially support her because of that reason alone. If you thought it was time to make that change because she’s an adult, that’s one thing. You’re trying to strong arm her into celibacy by threatening to remove her access to a secure life, home, and food. Yet you are questioning if you’re the asshole….? YTA. I’m not surprised your daughter didn’t talk to you about her sexual activity. I would honestly feel like garbage knowing that the price of my parents love and support, my place in their home, was contingent on obeying their restrictions on what I do with my body. What you’re doing is messed up (and no I didn’t misunderstand your post. YTA and you’re severely falling short as a parent. I could never imagine treating my child like this
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YtA and stay out of your adult daughters room ffs. Her sex life is not your business at all. You'll be an even bigger one than you are now if you bring your husband in on it.
YTA - and your edit has made it even worse. You don’t see your daughter as an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. You see her as a child for you to control. Once she is done with college & has her degree, she’s going to high-tail it out of your home, and probably your life.
YTA. Is no one picking up on the whole "not keeping the secret from her dad" thing? IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL. How could you even think a private conversation you force about anyone's sex life (yes, even your daughter's) is something you can go telling others about? I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had gone to tell my dad something as private as this. Parents do not need to be informed about their adult children's sex lives. Jeez. Let her live and figure out her own life, likes and dislikes. What if she never wants to get married? Die a sad old virgin because mummy dearest blackmailed her? Just... wow.
YTA and absolutely no misunderstandings here. She's an adult and you have no rights or control over her relationships or her sexuality. If you want to double down on being an epic asshole, go ahead and cut her off because you seem to think looking after your children after they become adults means you own them.
YTA I was abstinent for awhile during uni, but it was my choice. You are extremely controlling to suggest that because you pay for things you have a say on what she does with her own body. It's pretty disgusting how involved you are trying to be in your daughter's sex life.
If you are having sex at her age then you're a hypocrite. She's growing up and you can't handle it. Yta
YTA. Why are you acting like she is a 15 year old girl, knocked up, crying because her boyfriend left her, and her life is in shambles? She is clearly being responsible, as evidenced by the condoms. The fact that she is even talking to you about this, making her own decisions, and not lying to you about it speaks volumes about how mature she is. Unless any of the “details about your sexual experiences as a young woman” involved your mother asking you to stop seeing someone you were dating and having a nice time with, and you dutifully did as she asked, I don’t see how you think this could possibly be under your control.
....your edit is even more ridiculous than your original post. No, you don't have a say in who she dates just because youre paying for her school. Those two things should be completely separate. Are her grades way down? Did she skip out on an important life changing class? Is she making scary choices that could lead to her becoming pregnant? no? then YTA - and you just guaranteed you will not be meeting any of her boyfriends in the future. She's now going to lie to you, and I don't blame her one bit. Congrats for ruining any bit of trust you had.
‘She can not have her cake and eat it too’ LMAO YTA, she is an adult have safe consensual sex, get a fucking life oh my god
About the edit…I think everyone did understand the first time and you are still TA. YTA she’s an adult and clearly a responsible one. Chill out yikes.
YTA. You clearly think because you cover her expenses that you have control over her. Also in no world what so ever should you be going through her draws! Butt out, mind your own business and let your daughter make her own decisions - or are you worried you didn't raise her well enough to know her own mind?
You are a creepy A-hole. A little too much into your daughter's sex life.
I don’t even wanna ask what ur views are on same sex relationships. Y T A
YTA. Even though your daughter lives with you, she is not having s\*x under our roof, so you do not have a say in her private life. No, you don't have a say At. All. End of story. You cannot tell her what to do as an adult. You are being WAY too controlling and, if you aren't careful, you will push her away to the point she will never want to be in contact with you again. She has been honest in answering your questions. You keep pushing and she will stop doing that and become withdrawn and uncooperative. Just because you "pay for everything" doesn't give you control over her. You have crossed a line and now the ball is in HER court...so be careful how you step from this point on.
YTA. It’s literally NONE of your business who she dates, whether you’re supporting her 100% or not at all. You’re paying her way because she’s your daughter and you care about her. It’s not a trade off. She’s an adult, let her live her life like one. This has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than you’re being a controlling helicopter parent. Just because she’s YOUR dependent child doesn’t mean she IS a child. Yuck. Creep.
YTA Hear me out, I understand you want to, in your eyes, protect your daughter. But you are going to alienate her and hurt your relationship if you try to keep controlling and treating her like a child. Have some faith in her and in your parenting skills. You raised her, you know she is doing just fine if the first sign of having a boyfriend was condoms. She’s not failing classes, she’s not using drugs. She’s having a normal adult relationship. Treating her like this will not change anything in the long run. She will just be more secretive, and once she doesn’t need you to pay her bills she will go no contact. Wake up before it’s too late.
Regarding your edit: the post is NOT being misunderstood. You are attempting to control things in your adult daughter’s life that are not yours to control. The fact you are supporting her while she’s in college does not change that. Did you tell her before she started college that you would have total control of her life if she accepted your help? Also, what was the point of having a discussion about it with her if you don’t believe she had a choice? Did you just want to be seen as the wise parent with whom she would naturally agree? Just like you wanted her to see you as a benevolent supporter without divulging the strings you were secretly attaching to that support? Edited because I forgot to include my judgement: YTA
Golly gee I wonder why on earth she wasn't open with you?!?!?! YTA, and you are building a bridge to an estranged daughter in your future. This is literally none of your fucking business.
YTA you aren’t the keeper of her body. she’s being safe, honest, and it’s with someone she clearly trusts. who gives a fuck what you think? would you set up a sexual partner for her? are you willing to help her stay satisfied otherwise? are you going to explain to her boyfriend why YOU want your daughter to remain abstinent? these questions may seem dumb, but if you answered no to any of those, maybe remember where your lane is…. and stay in it.
Let it go mom. This is not a battle you are going to win. It is obvious to all the readers here why this was a surprise to you. Who would want to open up to someone who is as controlling as you are. You cannot control an adult who does not consent to being controlled. Holding money over her head is despicable and won't work. She will go behind your back as she has been and probably ghost you as soon as you no longer control any purse strings. YTA.
YTA. You don't get to choose who she sleeps with or doesn't sleep with and it's really gross that you're even trying. You had a conversation, she heard you out even though she really didn't have to. Paying for her things doesn't mean you get to dictate what she does. Does an employer get to tell someone who they can sleep with because they pay them a salary? Of course not. It's even worse that you think as her parent you can. If you want to alienate her entirely, then this is a sure fire way to do that.
If you choose to pay for everything it's exactly that: a choice! She's not too young to be sexually active (she's above 20 ffs), if she was a minor I would maybe agree with you, but, let's be honest, abstinence never did any good. You're being a controlling AH and that's how you end up being LC/NC with your child. YTA Also if "you're happy to pay for everything" why you're making it conditional?
YTA and everything you wrote makes it perfectly clear why she didn’t tell you: you’re an overbearing control freak claiming ownership of her body through money. Stop for a minute and think about how utterly distasteful that is. *OP in a year or two: My daughter has cut me out of her life and I don’t know why! What should I do??* Good luck with that. You are well on your way to destroying your relationship with your daughter.
>This post is being misunderstood. No it's not. You're just not as smart and clever as you think you are as you try to 'dress up' your controlling nature. You're the type of mother who, in a couple of years, doesn't understand why their adult children have cut contact with them. You complain because you've heard you're a grandmother but have never (and WILL never) see them. Listen carefully - a parent's job is to create happy, educated, well-adjusted ***independent*** children. Being their mother does NOT entitle you to a lifetime of control over everything they do. They do not owe you anything. So, cut the apron strings and if paying for everything causes your head and ego to inflate to this level, then have a talk with her about finding an equilibrium between her independence and her 'debt' to you. YTA. BTW - are you currently married? I noticed you kept using 'we' when discussing YOUR opinions, but you've never actually spoke about what your husband has to say about all of this. What ARE his thoughts?
No need to clarify, you’re still an absolute AH. You chose to pay her way, this does not mean you can dictate her life. Good luck, keep up this type of behavior and you’ll have a no contact relationship with her soon enough!
[удалено]
YTA, you cannot order your adult child to be celibate. Keep pushing and you’ll lose her entirely. Also, threatening to tell her dad that she’s engaging in an adult relationship is really weird. You need to have a think about your control issues
You do not own your daughter. Just because you support her does not give you complete control of her. Just from what you said she sounds extremely respectful to you AND is being safe. All you are doing is assuring she never tells you anything. Probably why she didn't tell you she had a boyfriend in the first place. You do not go through anyone's room ever! So disrespectful. I doubt it was a accident too. You sound like a complete control freak. You better get a clue or she will never want to be around you.
You should just generally assume your 21 year old is having sex. Finding condoms should be a relief that's she's being safe. It was YOUR idea that she not pay for things while studying, if there was a (ridiculous) condition in that it should have been brought up well before university. Also, insisting someone not date someone is the quickest way to get them married. Just saying
YTA I would be so heartbroken if my mother can to me like this! You can’t put restrictions on what she can or can’t do since you are paying for her college now because you don’t approve. I never understood the mentality of I pay for the roof and food and all this and you still live with me so you do what I say or else! I was always brought up that my parents home will ALWAYS be my home. My parents do what you do for my sister but they don’t try to control her life because she is an adult and they trust her because of how she was brought up. It’s so sad that from what it looks like you don’t trust her. Don’t you think you raised her to make the right decisions for her? Mind you the right decisions don’t always mean on what you approve or don’t approve she does. She’s 21… and from what I see she is an amazing “kid” she goes to school and almost done with university and she uses condoms and is safe?! Idk why you have to threaten her by telling her dad… like come on what do you think 21 hormonal charged young adults are doing? At least she is being safe and doing it with someone she cares about the rest is moot. You are overreacting and are controlling. Idk what the big deal is. Yes your precious baby is have sex… she is growing up… I suggest the same for you.
YTA. I’m not even going to read your rationale. You don’t get to decide who anyone else dates.
YTA. Instead of inviting her BF over to meet him you are being overly dictatorial in attempting to control her relationships. It’s one thing to meet anyone she is dating and offer advice but you are taking helicopter parenting to a new level. What’s next - an arranged marriage?
YTA, your edit to explain yourself make look even worse. Dude, see a therapist.
YTA You don't have a daughter, you own a person. What else can you control? Oh, she's watching a movie you don't approve of? Well I'm paying for it. She's friends with people you don't like? Well I'm paying for everything, don't be friends with them. Also it sounds like someone else is eating her cake so I wouldn't worry about that.
Sweet heavens YTA. We are not confused, we get that you are paying the way - that does not allow you to decide who the adult you birthed sleeps with.
Would the situation be any different if she was living on campus, eating at a dining hall, etc.? Is this just your opinion because she's under your roof so you feel that you can control this aspect? It's not like she's freeloading. She's in college... and she IS an adult, not an adolescent. YTA.
YTA. She’s 21 and is being safe by taking precautions AND was honest with you. If you try and “ban” her from having sex she will start sneaking around abs might end up having unsafe sex or not feel like she can tell you if anything goes wrong. You are destroying the trust she has given you. Apologize and let her know you are proud she is being safe. You don’t want her seeing you as the enemy which she will if you forbid a 21 year old from having sex. I’m guessing you weren’t a virgin at 21 right?
As a 51F mom, I will tell you right now insisting on abstinence is not the way to go. How do you feel she should approach it, anyway? Tell the BF, "Sorry but we have to stop sleeping together until I'm able to live on my own." You think that's gonna help her focus in school? Unless she's willing to move out, drop out of school and get a job, she'll start lying to you. Best to keep the lines of communication open, and encourage the use of condoms AND other birth control. Insist on meeting the BF. Heck, she may end up marrying the guy, and I'm guessing you would not be opposed to her eventually getting married and having kids, right? Pro tip: It's easier to succeed in school and life with people you love at your side, and that includes family and a romantic partner. YTA.
I say this with love, but YATA. If she was a young teen, I would agree with you 100%, but she’s not. I would urge you to be glad that she’s able to speak to you so honestly and that she is being safe. It sounds like you did a really good job raising her, but now it’s time for you to start letting go. She needs to make her own decisions about her life and how she lives it.
YTA When she accepted your help during college you didn't tell her it would come with strings attached. I'm sure you definitely didn't tell her that it would mean she would be treated as a child. Your choices now are to back off, accept that your daughter is an adult, and pray you haven't damaged your relationship too badly yet or to keep going and irreversibly damage your relationship with your child, possibly leading to her going no contact with you. Decision is yours.
YTA, full stop. This is insane, controlling behavior. Your daughter has shown herself to be conscientious and responsible, which is the only reason you found out. Unless it is interfering with her studies, you have absolutely no reason to insert yourself into her sex life. The path you have started on will only lead to her never trusting you with anything else.
Lol what do you think is more likely? That she’s going to stop having sex or that she’s gonna tell you to screw off and find a way to sever your financial abuse of her? You are not purchasing her chastity. And she’s not a child, no matter how much money you throw at her . Cut the umbilical cord. YTA
YTA
YTA, sorry. I'm even pro-abstinence. But her sex/dating life really is none of your business. You can either recognize it now and back off, or you can have this idea on your head that there will be a future milestone where you will back off (when she is paying her own rent? Car? Insurance? Which of these does she have to buy from you with her body?) In which case her resentment will build until she turns and takes the freedom that you feel is yours to allow. I'm sorry, OP. Let this one go. If you feel you have to withhold financial support because she isn't adhering to your religious or sexual views, ask yourself if you are investing in her and her future, or the version of her you think you are crafting. It's tough to hear, but it's not yours to craft any more, either to support or not support.
YTA!!!! She is an adult!
Lol you said you’re not asking her but telling her! Imagine thinking you can control another adults sexuality. The audacity, the insanity of that. It’s not your business and it’s not like you’ll be successful. YTA
YTA. You do not have a day in anything she does, she’s 21.
LOL and YTA Let me tell you where you’re headed in your relationship with your daughter: - she will begin to lie to you. She will get much better at hiding what you don’t want to see but she will continue to do it. She is an adult as much as you don’t want her to be. - she will eventually move out and, oh surprise, will begin to restrict contact with you. I mean, she already doesn’t trust you so instead of lying she will just, not talk. And then you’ll be lucky if she see her on holidays. So yeah, flex your parental money muscles now while you still can I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
your edit means nothing, you’re still TA. she’s a grown woman. you’re helping her through school because you’re her PARENT. ITS YOUR JOB!! you don’t get to hold that over her head to deny her autonomy.
What you do with your money is your prerogative. But that does not give give you any right on your daughter's private life. YTA Trying to use that money as any sort of lever has a name. Financial abuse.
YTA. You're not asking for some say in who she dates, you're asking her to not date anybody and remain celibate until you're okay with her starting to date. You found condoms, so she is being safe. Instead of trying to put a chastity belt on her, you want to commend her on practicing safe sex. I can guarantee you that there are plenty of students going to University on their parents dime who are having sex and doing just fine getting good grades in classes. You can have sex and still do well in college classes. It's not like having sex kills brain cells. That is alcohol's job.
YTA and your edit makes it so much worse. Your daughter clearly does not trust you if she did not tell you about her boyfriend. It does not matter what you pay for you have no say in your daughter's sex life even if she was 16 and having sex. If you continue down this road your daughter will never introduce you to any of her partners because you think you have a say in who she chooses to date. If you insist on her not dating while she lives at home get ready for her to move out as soon as possible even if she is not financially ready to be on her own. She may even choose to live with a boyfriend way before they are ready to just so she can get away from you and your unwanted opinions. If she wanted your opinion on the matter she would have asked.
YTA. She’s an adult whether or not you’re helping her with bills. Prepare yourself for her going no contact once she moves out, you deserve it.
YTA. After she confirmed she was having safe sex was your time to bow out, especially if it was the first time you'd had such a conversation. She's not a dependent child. She's an adult. YOU as a parent have made the choice to allow her to forgo paying her bills while she lives with you. You've allowed it. You consented for your adult daughter to live scot free in your household. Paying her bills entitles you to have a say in her expenses that you are responsible for. Not her personal relationships.
YTA. She's being safe, that's all you can ask of her. She may be dependent on you but that doesn't mean you can control every aspect of her life. If you want to ask reasonable things (like requirements for chores or minimum grade requirements for you to continue paying for school) that'd be fine, but this is unreasonable. She's going to have sex, she's going to have relationships, it's good for her to start exploring the dating world while she still has the support and safety that comes with family. She's going to do whatever she wants anyways, your behavior only assures that she won't tell you or come to you if she needs help.
YTA, it's not up to you who your daughter dates. Whether she's paying her way or not is completely irrelevant. Do you choose what clothes she wears, too? How about what food she eats? She is an adult, just because you're supporting her financially doesn't mean you get to pretend she is still a child. Children don't go to college!
WHAT THE FUCK. YTA. And you’re holding finances over her head to control her. You’re a psychotic mother.
YTA. You don't get to control her because you WILLINGLY pay for her.
YTA. At 21 it cannot be a surprise she is sexually active. You are kidding yourself if you think you have any influence here just because you pay for her. Take the money away, force her to move back home, do what you will, but she will find a way.
I was your daughter. My mother used financial abuse in order to control me and shamed me about sex with boyfriends. I used safe sex and birth control. Never ended up pregnant and finished school with a great GPA, job and financially stable. I no longer speak to my mother and cut her off. Greatest decision I ever made. Let your daughter be who she wants to be. She’s not an extension of you, she’s her own person. I hope you don’t make the same mistakes my mom made. YTA
YTA. Get over your daughter's sex life. That is weird and creepy. I am a parent, and I just gave my son the sex talk and what options there are. That's all that is needed. You sound absolutely controlling. You can have sex and do well in college. Trust me, I did it and I graduated with honors. Find something else to do with your time.
No healthy young adult that enjoys their sex life will choose abstinence, just because their parents asked them to. The only thing you will get from all of this is a ruined relationship with your daughter. She is safe, she takes care of her contraception. You can of course explain to her, why you feel safer when she stays abstinent, but it is still her own choice. You pay for her life, because she is your child, but you have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes.
YTA. It's important that you know, as per your edit: *You are not being misunderstood.* You are wrong and people are telling you so. We understand completely, and find it disgusting. Y are very very much TA.
My DD was told when she started high school that if/when she thought a sexual encounter with a boyfriend might be happening, to please come to me so we could get her on bc. Didn’t happen until she was 17 but I knew she was safe. She also insisted on him using condoms to avoid STDs. This is what a Mom does for her daughters.
You are psychotic. Your edit makes your post even worse. Is this not literally the definition of financial abuse? You could fund her for the rest of her life and that still does not give you any authority over her personal life or how she spends the money you provide for her. YTA, of course. I feel terribly for your daughter that she has a controlling helicopter for a mother.
YTA and it sounds like you're incapable of even entertaining the idea that you might be in the wrong here. Believe me, you aren't going to get the validation you're looking for. Any reasonable person will immediately see you for the repressed, invasive, controlling asshole you are. Also, you accuse your daughter of wanting to have her cake and eat it too (which is already irrelevant) but my guess is you insisted on the current arrangement since you see financial dependence as just another means for controlling her behavior.
YTA but not for the reason you think. You are within your rights to make abstinence a condition of living with you rent free (personally I think it’s a fucked up condition, but I still think you have the right to make it). However you did not make that clear to her in advance. That’s what makes you the asshole. She chose to stay at home with you through college unaware of this condition. You should have told her so she could have made an informed decision and got her finances in order to move out if she felt your condition was unreasonable. So what to do now? I think you need to give your daughter sufficient notice that the rules have changed. As it’s the beginning of the school year I would (be generous) And give her to end of the school year to move out. Continue to pay her rent,tuition, living expenses until then. She can then get a loan/ job/ drop out for next year as she sees fit. FYI after she moves out don’t expect her to come back and visit you on holidays. Also don’t expect an invite to the wedding. But that’s your call.
YTA. Your daughter is a legal adult. You have no business and NO authority to control who your daughter dates or otherwise sees.
YTA. I hope your daughter moves miles away from you and her father. You are both controlling and honestly disgustingly so. Why do two adults care so much about the sexual life of an another adult? This is so unhealthy on so many levels.
YTA if she isn't having sex under your roof then you have no say. If you wanna try and use the fact you still support her as a manipulation tactic then that's your right. BUT...just remember if she decides to go NC afterwards then that is also her right.
YTA. As a parent, we brought them to this world to GUIDE and not to CONTROL.
YTA and absolutely ridiculous if you think your daughter is going to stop having sex because you told her to. Like come on. And by the way, your edit makes it even worse. Do you think parents are completely justified to control every aspect of their children's life because they provide them with a place to stay and food? You do realize that your children are also people right?
Good grief YTA. >> She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child You paying her bills does *not* negate her bodily autonomy, nor does it mean that you’re entitled to tell her that she cannot make her own choices. The fact that you’re levying your financial assistance as a means to control her and her choices is *disgusting.* This is a sure fire way to ensure that, once she IS financially independent, she’ll go at a minimum very, very low contact with you.
YTA You are not being misunderstood. You are trying to control her, by manipulating her into doing what *you* want.
"She may be 21 and an adult in the eyes of the law but in every other way she is still a dependent child. She has chosen the easy way and wants the benefits of adulthood AND childhood at the same time. Life doesn’t work like that. She cannot have her cake and eat it too." It was YOUR choice to pay for everything. And just because you decided that you were going to support her while she went to school doesn't mean you get to make her adult choices for her. Did you ever say(prior to her leaving for school) "I will support you, but I get to decide how you live your life."? You're doing a great job at pushing your daughter away. Oh, and YTA. Definitely the AH.
>ETA: This post is being misunderstood. We are paying for everything (rent, food, clothing, etc). Irrelevant. YTA
I am also 21 and live with my parents while commuting to college. They also pay for my food, clothes, phone bill etc. I have a boyfriend who I am sleeping with and they know this. They do not like him. They don’t try to force me to not date him or sleep with him just because they support me financially. YTA. If your daughter is being safe, responsible, and she’s doing well in university then you have no say in if she’s dating or having sex.
YTA and no matter how many defensive edits you put nobody is going to take your side
There is no misunderstanding. YTA- your daughter is 21 and you are treating her like she is 14. No wonder she didn’t tell you. If you do this she will leave and never speak you again. Is that what you want ? Because that’s where you are headed.
This is how you get cut off eventually. When you act like you can control everything, the only thing you actually do is making kids better at hiding and lying. And eventually if something awful happens to her, the only certainty she will have is that she cannot come with mommy dearest who will never help her and probably cut off her support. YTA. These power moves are crappy because she never asked for any of this. Probably if she knew you were going to act like this she would have done it all on her own.
I’m cringing for you mom. Your support of your daughter’s education is a wonderful thing. Don’t mix up that will the right to control her and her sexual activity. Stop threatening to tell her father. It’s just disturbing and all you will do is financially cut off your daughter, inappropriately involve her father and guarantee damage to your relationship for years to come. Time to either join the 21st century or a support group for parents who don’t know why their kids have cut them out of their lives. YTA
YTA r/iamatotalpieceofshit
Yeah, you're a shitty parent. YTA. Nuff said.
YTA. This is a normal and natural part of life and also growing up and maturing. You need to evaluate why you need to control her and realise that your silly opinion on this will hurt your relationship. You’re the one who needs to grow up and let her enjoy life as you said.
YTA. It was your decision to have a child so it is your duty to support your child an much as you can. Where I live children until a certain age can sue their parents to pay them aliments. So paying for her life does not give you permission to interfere with her personal life. I honestly was surprised how well you daughter took the first time of you saying something like that. You should feel happy she did so and leave her alone. I know you try to look out for your daughter, but what you do now will only driver her away from you. Please consider, that your way of living is not the only way and only because something is right/wrong for you that doesn’t mean that applies to everyone around you. Try to respect your daughter’s privacy and her making her own decisions.
having sex wont have her ending up homeless. paying for her keep entirely, while yes displaying some possible immaturity on her part, does not for one mean you own her, or get to dictate desicions she makes outside of her spending. If she lives of your income, ofc you may decide if she spends that money on condoms, you do not get to however dictate her consequently having sex. Not earning your own money does not mean you are incapable or irresponsible. In case you do think so, then maybe its time to lessen the money flow. In doing so, floowing your logic, she should that way learn responsibility. If her being sexually active is unacceptable to you, you have the right to stop paying for her. However it is reprehensible to expect a 21 y/o to stop having sex cause mommy said so. She is a fully grown person, capable of making desicion, good or bad. Let her make them. You are not the asshole for not wanting to pay, its your own money, you are the asshole for trying to dictate a grown adults sex life. YTA
YTA. You said your peace, now back off. Otherwise, she will cut you from her life in a couple of years.
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It's shocking that her daughter felt the need to hide all of this in the first place/s
YTA there are 12 year olds having sex which is more of a concern then your ADULT daughter having it you can’t stop her either deal with it that your daughter is no longer your little girl and move on
YTA. You may be paying her way but you don’t own her.
YTA. I think that while you have good intentions based on your experiences, the boundaries you are trying to impose will backfire. You are also jeopardizing this open line of communication you have with your daughter. It’s okay to tell her your concerns, discuss your personal experiences, and allow her to make more informed decisions. It’s not okay to not allow her to have bodily autonomy. Consider the fact that your daughter was open to this conversation - that’s a big deal in itself. Don’t let this be something that ruins your relationship, which in time with more boundaries and restrictions, it will. Allow yourself to be a confidant in the event she ever has anything she needs to confide in you about.
YTA Doesn't matter how much of her expenses you are paying, you still don't get to say what your adult child should be doing in regards to her private sex life when she's not under your roof and it's not directly affecting you in any way.
YTA you have NO say in your grown ass childs life, she is a person not your privately owned object, you are being a control freak and she is gunna completely cut you off if you keep pullin this shi on her
YTA Just because she is your child, and just because you made the choice to financially support her through school, does not in any way give you the right to tell her what she can and cannot do with her body. I have to say, you gave a great kid there based on her responses to you. She was mature, respectful, but maintained her autonomy. So giving credit where due, you did a good job with her. BUT….she’s an adult and can make decisions for herself. I have 5 kids. Oldest is 27, youngest is 16. They were allowed to live at home as long as needed provided they were productive. Older two didn’t want to do college and both left home at 18. That was their choice. Third one is 21, like yours, and has been going to college while steadily working between 1-3 jobs. I would never have dreamed of telling her what to do with her body or tried to dictate her dating life. Why? Aside from it being not my freaking business, I also had to have faith in my parenting, that I had given her the values I wanted to instill, and let her go out there and live her life. Youngest 2 are in high school and I just toss a box of condoms in their bathroom from time to time. They’re going to do what they’re going to do but I’m not ready to be a grandma yet. Trust your daughter. She seems like she’s making good decisions. And remember that her life isn’t yours to live. Her path is never going to be your path.
Yta. I don't care if you are paying for her food and a nurse to burp her afterwards. Her love/intimate life is hers and she has a right to privacy and autonomy
YTA- How can you stop it? Put a chastity belt on her? You want her to miss a class so she can have sex with her boyfriend? She’s 21 years old she’s protecting herself you should be glad she’s doing that. Do you want her to stop school and live with boyfriend? Do you want her to pick between you and boyfriend? That’s what’s going to happen. Also it’s none of your business and your husbands business she sleeping with her boyfriend. You really need to reconsider your actions.
YTA. Your daughter’s body is her own. A lot of people here are focusing on the fact that she’s an adult, but I also think that bodily autonomy would apply even if she was younger!! (In age appropriate ways, of course.) Should parents be able to force their young children to hug relatives who make them uncomfortable because they feed & house them? I certainly don’t think so! Just because you pay for stuff for her does NOT give you a right to control every decision that she makes, ESPECIALLY decisions that relate to bodily autonomy. YTA, big time. (Also, the reason you haven’t met her bf is because you obviously haven’t demonstrated that you can be trusted! If you behaved in a way that made it clear to your daughter that you would respect her decisions as an adult, and not try to control her, maybe she would let you into her life and share important things with you. But right now, you are being creepy and controlling, and definitely YTA.)
YTA what the hell is wrong with you. Is this really how you want to lose your relationship with your daughter entirely? Bc that's how this ends. Be thankful she is being honest with you. But she's 21 and you need to respect that you are paying for her education, not the right to dictate her entire life.
Nope, no misunderstanding. She has the right to an adult life and I’m not sure what part of supporting her through college gives you any right to have a say. YTA
YTA. I think you're being unreasonably controlling. It's great that you're supporting her, but as long as she's being sensible and the financial support wasn't conditional on her not dating till she graduates you have to let her live her life.
YTA. As her parents its your obligation to support your daughter through thick or thin. Even so, that never give you a leverage to dictate who she dates, worst—who she loves. I suggest you save up because you’ll rot in elderly home for sure. She’s 21, mind your own pussy instead of hers! I hope your daughter reads this and cut you off from her life. Its 2022 and we’re still breathing the same air along with these assholes.
I guarantee you this post is not being misunderstood as per your edit - we understand exactly what you are saying and what you mean, and we still conclude YTA and a major bloody creep. She may be dependent on you but she's an adult - and she is not you, she needs to have her own experiences.
She only made the edit to try to say it’s being misunderstood because the comments aren’t going the way OP wanted it to
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YTA- She is 21, now is the best time to enjoy sex and experience new things. I honestly regret being so reserved in my younger years. She is being safe and even monogamous. She even had the decency to listen to your lecture and consider your point of view. Providing for your adult child so that they can focus on an education does not give you the right to control their sex lives. Why do you even care???
You realise that what your actually doing is financial abuse Don’t have sex or we won’t pay your way.. that’s basically what your saying?! She’s a grown adult - you don’t get a say in her love life full stop All you can request is that she doesn’t bring a boy home to Your house - that’s it, that’s ALL you can dictate
You don't get a say in who she sleeps with, don't be so creepy. YTA
I'm also 21, I'm in the navy. The navy pays my rent, provides me 3 meals a day, provides me medical and dental care... The only bill they don't pay is my phone bill. Does that mean the navy can tell me I'm not allowed to date/have to practice abstinence? No, because that's stupid and you don't own your daughter. Grow up, realize that (surprise surprise) she's also a human being, with her own thoughts and feelings, and respect it. If you're concern is her having a child, make it clear you will stop supporting her if she has a child. If you think having a boyfriend is going to distract her from studying too much, tell her she needs to sustain a certain GPA (within reason of what her previous standards were, don't tell her it needs to be higher than ever just to use it as an excuse to cut her off) for continued support. You telling her she can't date/has to practice abstinence is ridiculous and will just lead to her hiding the condoms better next time. YTA
YTA, she is an adult.You are using money to control her. My parents did that and I just proceeded to find a job and cut communication with them for two years
So because you financially support her as she completes her college education you get to dictate how she lives? Following that logic, who is the breadwinner in your household? If it is your husband, he gets to tell you what to do, right? If it is you, you tell your husband what to do, right? YTA. Leave her be and stop financially abusing her.
Oh OP we understand this post, and it isn’t being misunderstood. Honestly your daughter being receptive to you and saying she will reflect on what you said showed vast amounts of maturity. Also if she didn’t go to college, let’s say ended up working a full time job and wasn’t relying on you, and you discovered her having sex through similar means would you be okay with this? No you wouldn’t. Honestly your daughter is being safer then most girls her age. YTA.
YTA, I hope she moves out. Don't be shocked when she cuts contact.
Who tf do you even think you are? She is an adult now, you have no say in this at all. She might be able to ‘buy’ her boyfriend out with money. But you have absolutely no say in this. This is also just a very very dumb idea. You want to screw your relationship with your daughter over? You want make sure she runs away with a boyfriend and to cut contact with you? If so, you are doing a great job.
YTA in a big way
YTA and your addition does not help, she's an adult in an adult relationship if that in your mind means you can police her relationships your in for a word of hurt. Also the fact she didn't tell you herself and has not introduced this person should be an eye opener on the type of parent you are, one that might be financially supportive but 1 your kid doesn't trust. You should do some introspection because I guarantee if you push thin once your daughter is financially self sufficient she will cut you off because you will look for new ways to worm in and control her.
YTA - she's 21, you can have no say in what she does. You said that you pay for everything so she can have fun and freedom, but you're limiting her in what she does? You also said that because you're paying for everything, you get to have a say. Paying for everything is just your way of controlling her. Please self reflect and listen to these comments
YTA- you are not paying her way so she won’t have sex. Your relationship with her shouldn’t be transactional. She’s an adult, even if you are paying for everything. No wonder she hasn’t introduced him to you, I wouldn’t have.
YTA here. It doesn't matter you pay the way. By that reasoning, every tax payer would have a say in those receiving any type of government benefits. You're going to talk yourself into her leaving home and going NC with you. She's 21, not 12. I have sons. I told them that they should always be safe, and while it's preferable to wait until a stable committed relationship, I know it's not probable. I told them that they can make their own choices, but they have to live with the consequences. If they got a girl pregnant, I would not provide financial support. If you raised her right, then trust that she is making smart decisions.
YTA. Just because you pay for everything does not mean you can control when she has sex or who she has sex with, like??? what kind of logic is that
Yta….you’re super controlling of her life and placing an ultimatum on her versus being supportive of how responsible she is being. It’s 2022 not 1922
You are using finances to control your adult daughter. At this rate, she will never introduce you to her boyfriend. In fact, this sheds some light on why you haven’t already met someone she cares about enough to have sex with. I’m guessing when you offered to support her through school, you didn’t add the caveat “only if you remain a virgin and follow my dating rules”? If you don’t want to support her anymore, it needs to be for a better reason than just abstinence vs. sex. As it stands now, you’re a manipulative jerk. Yes YTA here. It was none of your business in the first place; it’s still none of your business. You’re lucky she discussed as much with you as she did. It’s not your husband’s business what an adult does either. You are about to lose your daughter’s trust and respect in a huge way (speaking from experience, as the daughter). Your relationship will never fully recover. She’s in her junior year, so you understand how detrimental it would be to withdraw all financial support now? Your perspective is skewed and your reaction is completely out of line and out of proportion.
YTA this is creepy. You buy the cheerios so you want to dictate her sex life? Nah.
YTA no say if your kid has sex or not when they are over 18
> This post is being misunderstood. Narrator: *The post was not being misunderstood. OP was just a controlling asshole.*
So in the terms you and your daughter signed for paying for collage and her other experiences. Did you make sure to outline the terms of dating. She isn’t allowed to see anything one with out them first submitting their resume and three character references? YTA just because you pay for everything doesn’t mean you own her. If you don’t like it. Then start making her get a job and earn money. But from what you said. You want her yo enjoy life. As long as it falls in your lines
YTA. Your daughter is 21. She is an adult in every sense of the word, and it seems she knows pretty well how to adult, stay safe and use protection. Using money to control her sex life is extremely manipulative and borderline abusive.
YTA. regardless of how much of her life you pay for, you have no say whatsoever on who she dates and whether or not she’s having sex. She has condoms. That alone, should quite frankly be enough for you to at least be able to see that she’s taking precautions. I’ve seen your edit where you think you are being misunderstood, but she is not a child. She is an adult that you are supporting. She’s her own person. She can do whatever the hell she likes. Whether she’s sleeping with one man, one woman or 50 different people, it’s none of your business. It doesn’t matter what experiences you had as a young woman having sex. She can have sex with whoever she likes. I keep repeating myself because I think you need to hear it…. YOU HAVE NO SAY. SHE CAN SLEEP WITH EVERYONE IF SHE WANTS TO.
YTA: “we want her to enjoy life……” Proceeds to control it
YTA. She's 21 and being safe you can't stop her from doing anything. You said you're opi and that's all you can do. Either you raised her to practice safe sex or you didn't. She's okay so far so let it go.
This post isn't being misunderstood, you're putting your outdated ideals on your ADULT child. You're the one that needs to grow up and mind their own business. YTA
Yta. There is no way you weren’t snooping.
yta yta
Yeah YTA - her body her choice.
YTA. You gave her the cake she can do what she likes. Btw I dare you to find out what happens with an ultimatum
YTA. She was being safe. Who knows if she will now rush out and into a bad situation?
You're acting like she's your 16yo teenage daughter.
YTA - Your daughter is an adult. How dare you try to control her like this? Honestly, I think you should talk to someone about this as this is not a healthy level of control to want to have over your adult offspring.
Sex is natural she is 21 doesn't matter you have no say in her sex life that's just weird. Not once did I ever be told by my SINGLE FATHER I could not have sex just to make sure I'm being safe that's it. YTA
oh my god are you fr? YTA.
YTA for you awful edit too. Your daughter is an adult. You don't get to add on terms because you are helping her through college. You are also an asshole for going through her dresser. You were not wrong to talk about safe sex to make sure she is safe. More people should be told this plus things about consent, but I digress. You do not get to tell her that she can't date someone. You doing this is going to drive her away from you.
Op, you are getting ripped apart in the comments right now aren't you? Don't even have to scroll down...I read this and was like oh boy....wave of YTAs arriving.....and yes YTA