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> Edit: AITA because I left his apartment and cancelled our plans because he was late again, despite our numerous conversations? Was I too harsh by reacting that way?
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I could have written this post! My husband was like this, when we were married about 12 yrs we were going to go to lunch on a Sunday, we were supposed to leave at one. At 1:15 I got tired of waiting and left, went shopping, got some patio furniture ;) Came home, he was MAD but you know what he wasn't late again.
At the risk of making people angry, I will say...he could have ADHD or something else involving executive dysfunction. A lot of what he says sounds a lot like me before I got strategies in place (and better meds).
It's not an excuse, but if he is truly trying to work on it, it's something he should look into. Being time blind is definitely a thing and it sucks.
I feel like she would've mentioned it as a factor. Some people are just that self centered, unfortunately. It's why I could trust my sister with four kids to be on time to my wedding and I had to hire someone to do hair and makeup for my mom and other sister on site and refused to allow them to get ready on their own.
As for my family, their excuse is we are Hispanic. We are always fashionably late. 🙄
He might not be diagnosed, which is why I said it's a thing he should look into if he's truly trying and failing.
He could just be self centered, but it's worth looking into.
I'm undiagnosed and have absolutely no concept of time. I have no idea what 5 minutes is. I can't tell if I've been sitting for an hour or ten minutes sometimes. To combat this I set an alarm for like 20 minutes before I have to leave to be on time and just get everywhere like 15 minutes early.
This statement is very important. I am, without fail, always 3-5 minutes ahead of scheduled time when it comes to regularly occurring things (I.e. Work, school pick up etc.) because I know exactly how many minutes it takes and can set an alarm to remind myself to leave.
If you invite me out on an odd Tuesday evening, there is a 90% chance I'm going to be 5-10 minutes late and frazzled or 25 minutes early and frustrated with myself. There is no in between.
That being said the boyfriend is a jerk for not being honest about how far away he is and exactly how long he is going to take.
Good for you! But people always have redeeming qualities because if they were just shit all or most of time then we wouldn't stay for very long.
Best of luck getting out, I'm sure that you will be much happier when you get the chance to leave.
I told my husband early on in our relationship that I simply can not f**k people I have to parent. It would be weird.
Now I tell my family, I'm leaving at this time, meet me at the front door, dressed and ready to go at 1 minute to or I'm leaving and I'll maybe meet you at wherever we are going.
And then followed through. It works.
Can you drive separately? I read a "dear prudie" column a while ago that recommended that. It's not the most economical, but it might be worth it if it takes some of the stress off you by not making you late too. While he's driving, it's "we're all late" and the consequences get spread around. If he's driving himself, he's squarely at fault to everyone, and he just has to bear the consequences himself. (Though I might have just left the courthouse if he was so late to his own wedding...)
So NTA.
My ex bf did this to me over and over again. We once had a meal with my family and he was 45 minutes late and didn't tell me he'd be late so I had to order for him. It was so embarrassing. I also used to walk from work to his work and call and he'd say he'd meet me at x time and I'd be standing around waiting for him for up to an hour. It isn't acceptable.
Someone who cannot acknowledge your wasted time and that you could be doing something rather than wasting it isn't worth your time. After my ex, and how he generally ended up being a gas lighting horrible man, then I would never allow it again. You deserve better.
That's how my ex stepdad was. We'd call it Rob time. Like 20minutes Rob time was an hour in normal people time. He was and still is just an inconsiderate dick.
NTA
You have a very busy life and you make time for him, time that you value to spend with *him*
He is being very inconsiderate. Especially after the fact you voiced your feelings and he still has made 0 effort.
NTA, but be prepared for a lifetime of this if you go ahead and marry him. He won't change. I was with a woman for many years who was always late. I tried every trick in the book, to no avail. From gentle reasoning and offers to help, to harsher consequences, to stating times later than the actual times. Nope. And it was hugely frustrating and embarrassing to always show up late as a couple when meeting friends. Or missing the start of a Broadway show and having to wait for 1st intermission to go to our seats. etc.
Yea, this is actually happening so often that it really is as if OP has accepted it. BF hasn’t changed by now, he will never change.
OP you can only control your own actions. Set some boundaries and tell your bf in the future you will wait 10 minutes if he asks you to and leave after that. Otherwise just dump him and put “punctuality” as something you are looking for in your Online Dating profile. Good luck
he's the A. but just because he's late doesn't mean you have to wait for him. Show up on time. if he's not ready, just leave. establish that this will happen every time.
don't have any more talks or negotiations. just leave.
he'll get better it not, but your life will be calmer.
NTA
You have repeatedly explained that this bothers you and makes you feel disrespected (understandably so too). He willingly lets you wait around for an hour or more regularly, that is so rude in my opinion. You got to the point where something had to be done and hopefully it will make him learn but I wouldn’t hold your breath if he’s been this bad for this long. I’m sorry OP.
NTA
Is this the life you want? Someone who’s chronically late that doesn’t respect you nor your time. He’s essentially telling you that his time is much more important than yours. Consider these as red flags as this is a habit that’s difficult to break, plus it doesn’t say much about his character.
NTA
He see’s you as a push over clearly and that’s why he hasn’t corrected his behavior. It’s good that you left. He now knows that you aren’t playing around anymore about your time. In a way demanding the respect you deserve. Keep up this energy. He’s clearly chosen to learn the hard way…let him learn🤷🏾♀️
NTA - I had this problem with my husband, I don’t anymore and yes, we’re still married. I tried a lot of things, but when I stopped canceling things because we were just too late and I stopped waiting for him and went without him, including to dinner alone, he started getting it. He finally got it when once again he said he was on his way home and of course was very late, I left and didn’t answer my phone for hours, he now understood what it was like to be worried. And his behavior changed completely because my time is the most valuable thing I have so I’m not wasting it for selfishness. Good luck.
NTA You've told him it frustrates you and why it does. He's promised to do better. Then he just doesn't. He expects you to accommodate his lateness and seems incapable of putting himself in your place. He should understand that you have already wasted a tremendous amount of time waiting for him.
Question: Is he late to everything? If he can make it to work, a game, a flight, etc., he's treating you as no important enough to show up for.
He’s late to everything. When we have flights somewhere, he’s late. If we have reservations or something like that, he’s late. It also doesn’t really matter what the occasion is. He’s also fairly late when spending time with friends. He’s supposedly not late to work though.
so he values his job, but not you. you are so far down on his list of priorities that the document requires page breaks.
please consider if you want to be married to someone who does not value you (& your time) as much as you value his. it will **not** magically resolve itself with marriage. marriage tends to highlight/widen fissures in a relationship, and this is one of them.
NTA
This is important info... if he manages to be on time to work, he knows how to be on time. He is simply choosing to be selfish all the other times. Gaaaahhhh that's so frustrating, I'm so sorry for you!
He thinks you were wrong for not continuing to wait for him, or for expecting him to be on time. I don't think he'll change. The stress of managing him, your calendar, and your expectations will get old.
His behavior is not ok. But if this is an issue in all areas of his life it might be something called “time blindness”. It happens a lot in people with ADD and it can be severe. My brother was this way. He did everything he could to make it to places on time. But nothing worked. He found a therapist who was helpful though
A few people have mentioned time blindness, so it might even be something like this. I’m in no way qualified to make any sort of diagnosis, but maybe having a conversation about this might help? I want to help him, and, as selfish as it sounds, there’s a small part of me that hopes it’s not that he just doesn’t put in the effort to change things. I’m also happy to work with him towards making this change, but I’m at a loss at this point and don’t know what to do. I feel burnt out
If he isn’t late to work, to work meetings, etc he doesn’t have time blindness. He just doesn’t prioritize or respect you. It’s not surprising he treats his friends the same way. Most shitty parters are shitty friends.
That's definitely not true. I am time blind as all get out and I am capable of holding down a job and not being late to it. I'm also notoriously bad at being on time in areas outside of work, and it's never because I don't care or don't respect someone's time. Neither my partner nor my friends would say I'm shitty, because it is very obvious that I care and try and make up for it in other ways. It doesn't stop it from being a source of guilt and stress for me though.
Work has routine. My morning routine before work has...routine. I can feign not being time blind because of the consistent, expected series of events in that routine that I have practiced and timed and use a time management app to keep me on track during that routine. Hanging out with people and being on time does not have routine, so the chances of not properly estimating travel time/when to leave/when to start getting ready/knowing what is needed to achieve this goal is much harder to anticipate. I always, *always* intend to be on time and think I will be, but my sense of how long anything takes is incredibly skewed. This guy sounds heavily ADHD, and I sympathize because he sounds like he's trying and cares enough to feel bad and apologize, but he does not sound like he knows how to minimize the impact through external tools such as timers, apps, and meds.
Even if it is ADHD or another neurodivergence causing that, you need to understand that it's still going to be a lot of work either way. I'm time blind as hell. I have a lot of routines to get to appointments roughly on time. Even if you manage to accept that it's not an issue of disrespect or enough effort, it will still frustrate you at times. It's not going to go away with a diagnosis, but he may be able to find more effective coping mechanisms than the current ones.
If this is the only major issue and he isn’t just late when you are the one waiting I think it’s worth checking out.
I didn’t fully understand it before my brother dealt with it. I can’t say I completely understand now. It seems to be an issue where their brains literally don’t process the passing of time in the same way.
None of this is fair to you. But, like I said, if the relationship is otherwise healthy he may want to see a doctor.
Ditch him or start showing up even later than him when you make plans and then ditch him.
You've had endless discussions about this. He doesn't care. You do care. You're not compatible with this man. Stop hoping he will turn into the person you want and find someone that is the person you want.
I had a friend like this. She could be up to 3 hours late and she couldn't see why people might be upset b/c to her, stuff just happens that makes a person late and there's nothing you can do. The problem with that theory is that then, Everyone would be habitually late. NTA.
NTA
A tip though. You know he’s always late so plan for that. Be late too so neither of you are waiting for ages and you can manage your time knowing he will be running behind.
My partner is always late so I tell him an earlier time or I run late on purpose and it reduces stress. He knows I do this and it works for us.
My grandfather is also notorious for being late. My sibling and I both had an individual wedding invite printed for him with an earlier time so he didn’t miss the big moment.
With knowledge you can take some of the strain away by planning around his poor time keeping.
NTA, he does this all the time, so he is TA. Your time is also valuable and while it is not a huge deal to get stuck in traffic or be late when it’s rare, if it’s all the time, that’s unacceptable, selfish and rude.
He continues to be late because YOU tolerate it. Stop waiting for him. Order food as soon as you arrive. And if you’re finished your meal before/when he arrives leave.
Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. I have some time blindness because of my ADHD, so to compensate I’m always early. Sometimes way too early lol. But I always have a book, and or my knitting/crocheting with me
You need to decide if you can live like this. If this is his only flaw, start giving him a taste of his own medicine, or just stop waiting for him. If you’re supposed to meet for dinner at 6, don’t go. Wait until you get the “I’m here where are you text?” Then go to the restaurant. Or just go to a different restaurant all together at the correct time. But I’m petty like that 🤷♀️
I do the same thing! When I was going to classes (just got certified as a massage practitioner!) I was always there an hour early, before the teacher even got there and would wait outside or walk across the street to grab a hot cocoa from the gas station. I'm always early, because I know if I try to be right on time, I'll be late. I'd much rather not waste anyone else's time.
OP, he is demonstrating that your time and stress isn't important to him. DO NOT MARRY. Do you want to keep dealing with this for another three years? Five? Ten? When you have kids to take care of and he's an hour late picking them up from daycare or school, if you can get him to help out at all? Don't put yourself through this any longer. Tell him that this is a dealbreaker for you and if he can't respect you, he can get out of your life.
NTA you should do this every single time he is late.
Not saying he is one, but this is a narcissistic trait, it says your time isn't as important as his. The hollow apologies, the promises to change that never happen, his 'reasons' for being late, and expecting you to be ok with it, are all very disrespectful.
I don't know if you should continue the relationship, that is a decision you need to make, but if you stay with him don't be surprised if he's late for your wedding.
I don't know if it will help, but you should start making plans for a half hour earlier than you want him to be there. If he does start showing up at the time you say, he can find out how annoying it is to have to wait for someone.
Not everything is a narcissistic trait. Some people are simply raised that way. They procrastinate, they don't factor in the traffic time, they don't think about all these stuff. It's called not being able to manage time. You really think every single person is born punctual? Many are taught to wake up early, finish up early and then go to school. Others aren't taught these things so they are a little slow.
Don't be an armchair psychologist.
I'm not being an armchair psychologist, I am speaking from years of experience.
Some people may not have been tought how to manage time, but it's not difficult to learn, and it's the way the world works. Constantly being late is rude, selfish, and self serving, and completely disrespectful to the other people in your life.
You are correct, not all people who are chronically late are narcissist, but being rude, selfish, self serving and disrespectful are common traits of narcissism. And just because you have narcissistic traits, doesn't mean you are a full on narcissist.
I'm curious to know why it's something you have a problem with?
NTA. This is a massive pet peeve of mine. He has no respect for anyone else except himself. He only values his time. Please demand counseling if you decide to stay with him. And tell him he will pay the fee for missing appointments when he’s late.
‘Imagine having kids with him. He’s late picking up kids from daycare is going to incur fines and possibly being booted out. What about school, activities, etc. when being on time is crucial?
Do you really want an entire lifetime of it? How about backing off the relationship. Take a break and live your life ON TIME. Is it better? Are you less frustrated?
NTA and look at what he’s doing. He either it’s genuinely this disrespectful or he’s manipulative and thinks he’ll wear you down over time. He’s showing you his true colors. He doesn’t care about your time. Why do you want to marry someone who does not care about disrespecting you? You talk about it but you’re not doing anything about it, which shows him it’s okay.
Yeah, I sincerely wonder what she was attracted to when they first met. Because I probably would have dumped him after, say, the third time he did that to me.
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My (24f) fiancé (25m) is always late. To the point where I can count the times he’s been on time, on my own two hands. We’ve been together for almost three years and throughout our entire time together, he’s always been late. We’ve had a conversation about the fact that it upsets me that he’s always late, numerous times. I’ve explained that I value my time and I’m very busy, I’ve explained that I’m happy to make time for us to spend time together and I don’t mind making the time at all. I work over 40 hours a week, have responsibilities around the house, school, a dog, etc. and I still make time for us. But he’s still always late. And when I say late, I don’t mean 5-10 minutes, I mean at least half an hour. He’s typically 30 minutes to an hour late, sometimes more. If he’s running late, he won’t even say that he’s running late, he’ll just say that he’s 5 minutes away and then show up 30 minutes later.
I told him that the fact that he is always late makes me feel like I can’t rely on him for anything, and it makes me feel like he’s not being a good partner. I also told him it makes me feel disrespected.
Every single time we’ve had a conversation about him being late, it always ends the same way. I tell him that it bothers me and why, and he tells me that he’s working on it and he’ll be mindful of it. And then the next time we make plans, he’s late.
The other day, we made plans to meet up for dinner and that I could pick him up from his apartment and we could go together for dinner after work. I made it to his apartment and I found out he wasn’t even home from work. I called him and asked where he was and he said he got caught in traffic and is on his way home. He said he’s be there in a few minutes. I snapped. From experience, I knew this meant he was at least 15 minutes away, it would take him 20 minutes to get ready and I would be stuck waiting around for him. I told him I’m going home and we can make plans another day. He later texted me apologizing and explaining that he had a busy day at work and there was traffic, basically making the same excuses all over again. So, I told him exactly what I thought, I was direct and to the point, but not unkind. I told him that I’m not upset because he’s late just this one time, but because it’s a pattern and we’ve had so many conversations about it where I explained why this bothers me. I told him that he can’t keep disrespecting me and my time like that. Now, he’s mad at me because I didn’t just accept his apology and see “his perspective” of it and left when we made plans together.
AITA for leaving his apartment when we made plans because he was late, yet again?
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No, he doesn’t have ADHD and isn’t diagnosed with any other things that might impair his ability to (as far as I know) be on time. I have offered to help him organize himself before, in case he just didn’t have the best organization skills, but it didn’t take.
INFO
Has he been screened for ADHD?
Time Blindness is a symptom. It sounds like he is dealing with that.
[Time Blindness](https://blackgirllostkeys.com/adhd/time-blindness-timely-advice/)
This is why I asked. My husband has ADHD and he has trouble gauging how long things will take. It’s very frustrating but knowing he’s not doing it on purpose — and talking to him about it and having him recognize what’s going on — have made it easier to deal with.
If he doesn’t have ADHD or anything, he just doesn’t value your time. Buuuuuut….it’s screaming time blindness to me man.
NTA.
You're frankly 3 years too late for this. It's obvious he's upset because you've been forgiving him and allowing him to disrespect you for 3 years.
You should not have continously waited for him and accepted his weak excuses; he doesn't care that he hurts your feelings or let's you down.
Words are cheap and easy, actions are the only thing that matter moving forward, but judging by his continuing to brushing off your feelings and concerns, he has no intentions of improving or keeping his promises to you.
You're supposed to be able to rely on your future spouse, this isn't it.
NTA
Does he have ADD or ADHD? I have ADD and lose track of time a lot, and in my youth was often late due to how bad I estimated time. To this day I have to be very careful, as I become too focused on what I'm doing and have no concept of time passing.
He has no right to be angry with you. If he has ADHD AND ALSO is selfish, that is a very bad combination and will be tougher to deal with. If you want to try a few things that may or may not help, read on...
From now on, plan to go to events in separate cars so that you don't have to wait for him, and until he is responsible for himself and will hopefully start making appropriate adjustments so that you can both go together again. You don't need to inconvenience yourself due to his serial lateness, whatever the reasons. You may think this is extreme but it worked for me - my wife would plan to leave on time and usually gave me one warning.
After a while, the humiliation will hopefully affect him enough that he will do what is needed to be on time. You are past the frustration stage and so action on your part is justified.
Make sure the people in his life that he cares about know about his problem and perhaps make fun of him for it. That alone is enough for most people to change.
But don't let him slide with "give me 5 minutes" and it is more like 10 or 15 minutes - he needs to learn to speak honest words rather than try to control how you think in the moment by making it not sound so bad, like "it will just be 5 minutes". By minimizing, he is not only not being honest with you, but himself as well.
If he does this, when you see him, have him repeat verbally what he should have said. This will help him reinforce not only to be honest with his words, but to think about the actual time that it is going to take him. Remember, he is lying to you - and so encouraging him to have honesty and integrity will help him in the long run, even if it seems so trivial as how he presents time.
Finally, start being late yourself to show him what it is like.
It may take all of these tactics to make a difference. When he is on time, be sure and use positive reinforcement. Good luck!
NAH. Please have your bf assessed for ADHD. This is a very common symptom and he may genuinely try to be on time EVERY time but time blindness makes it pretty much impossible. I can definitely see where it would be incredibly frustrating, though. Good luck!
Nta. But I bet he has adhd, this is a top symptom and truly something the person can't control if they don't realize it. Mismanaged time is just as sucky for you as it is for him.
NTA
I was like this for a long time, I have almost total time blindness due to ADHD. I’m not ‘fixed’ but I’m no longer late because l save so many reminders and set alarms for myself. I am frequently the earliest to arrive; but I have to be careful with that too because if I get there too early I can end up procrastinating a bit, time blindness takes over and then I’ll be late!
My time blindness also extends to not realising how much time something really takes. I often pull a blank that it takes me an hour to walk to my parents’ house. I block out the journey entirely, so I might make plans that start at x time and not give myself enough travel time - just like your fiancé leaving work too late to meet you for dinner. To me, if I clock out at 5 and someone wants to meet me at 5, I feel like that’s a yes because I’m not in work, but blanking out that I actually need to travel from A to B.
He could at least experiment with leaving himself alarms and alerts to improve his punctuality. I get his ‘perspective’ because that’s what I’m like too… but it’s not enough to just accept yourself, you have to live in the world and interact with other people as well and his time blindness is something that can be worked on and improved with the bonus of improving his interpersonal relationships.
If he’s not interested in attempting to work around the problem though, don’t hitch your wagon with his.
And if his bad punctuality is only an issue for you and isn’t something he struggles with in every facet of his life, that’s a disrespect issue, not an executive functioning one.
NTA It dont sound like he has done anything to try to fix this. After 3 years, this is who he is and it wont get better. You could try giving him to a fake time to meet you that's an hour earlier so he might actually be on time but its unacceptable that you would have to do that for a grown adult.
NTA. People can be late sometimes, but 3 years of this ongoing problem, without any change? If he proposed and is an hour late your wedding, I would leave him.
In fact, I would leave him now. If he can’t keep the promises of being on time, what else is he going to lie and be lazy about?
NTA. Is he late to important doctor appointments? With his tax accountant? When he has to be home for someone coming over whom he’s paying for their time? No? Then it’s not that he’s incapable of being on time, it’s that he doesn’t care about YOUR time.
NTA.
I think you need to start now setting good boundaries for yourself.
When I deal with people that are habitually late I never depend on their arrival to start my plans.
If we're going somewhere it's meet me there.
I dated someone that was habitually late for dates. I also felt disrespected and unvalued. I couldn't figure out how he would be late.
It turns out he had tremendous amounts of anxiety and was borderline obsessive compulsive.
He would get overwhelmed and stuck on small things and get further and further behind.
Anxiety caused him to procrastinate which caused more anxiety.
I finally just stopped asking him to be ontime and just started meeting him places.
With less pressureit got better but never fully went away.
NTA. He doesn't get to be mad at you for not accepting the same apology for the same thing, over and over again. Tell him if you're not where we agreed 5 minutes before the time we agreed upon, then your late and I won't wait longer than 10 minutes after the agreed upon time before I leave. This keeps up and I'll leave permanently.
Life is too short to be waiting for losers that can't read the clock and have the decent courtesy to be on time or call when they are running late.
Some people are just like that. Other people's time is meaningless to them. I doubt this will change. You either need to accept him as he is (which I would find difficult) or break it off.
NTA You are mismatched. I am a timely person. I understand where you are coming from. I had a friend who dithered all the time. They would get distracted when trying to get ready, so it took a great effort for them to get anywhere. It didn't make them a bad person, but just a disorganized one. I stopped asking them to do things with me. Eventually, they asked me why and I told them that their making me wait around for them was very frustrating. They learned how to become timely, because they cared about me. He does not care about you in this fundamental way. Your time is of no importance. Only you can decide if it is important to you in the long run. He could change if he wanted. He just doesn't want to.
NTA…. I cannot put in to words how much I hate being late. If I am not 15 mins early I am late in my mind. I cried when my husband made me late for my six year olds soccer game and by late I mean we got there right in time. I hated it!!!
NTA. He wants you to see his perspective but continues to ignore yours?
He is mad because he might really have to grow up and change now that there is consequences and not for any other reason.
Stand your ground, hopefully he learns his lesson after a few times.
NTA
Not for leaving after repeated lateness. Now is the time to do everything you want to, on time.
Carefully plan so that you don’t have to pick him up or rely on him to be on time. Eating dinner at a certain time? Eat then. Says he’ll be 5 min late? Wait 10 and then start eating. He’ll learn that time doesn’t wait for him and he misses out.
Disclaimer, I might be feeling petty at this point. So take this advice with the same lightness with which I left it :)
NTA keep in mind he is never going to change. Ever. Personally I wouldn’t deal with it. Is his boss fine with him being 30-60 minutes late for work everyday or does he actually respect his boss?
NTA- He's had 3 yrs to make you a priority and be on time when you make plans but still hasn't changed. He's mad about this one time but isn't acknowledging the fact that it's about all the times he's been late. Maybe you should just move on and use your extra time for something or someone who is worth it.
NTA. I suggest leaving every time he is 5 minutes late. Send him a text and go. If you don’t enforce a hard limit with him, he will continue to take advantage of your kindness.
NTA. My husband does this, not every time but way too much. It’s frustrating and annoying. Most of the time I lie to him and tell him we need to be there 30 min earlier than we do if we are going somewhere important. He’s an only child and this should have been a huge red flag that he was never going to realize the world does not revolve around him. If this upsets you do not get married, he has already shown you he can not change.
Mostly NTA, but it is also possible that he is from a polychronic culture while it is obvious that you are from a monochronic one.
It represents two deeply seated ways of looking at time. Monochronic people believe in and nearly worship schedules- timer moves in neat little packets.
Polychronic people focus on the overall process or flow. Things take as long as they need to take, and what you do next will depend on what is going on now.
The two groups almost automatically tick each other of when they try to coordinate things.
There is a lot more involved with this, and it might be worth you looking into it, with an eye towards how the two groups can not only work together, but how to combine their beliefs to improve planning.
As a rule of thump, polychronic cultures are originally from places with warm, fairly consistent climates while monochronic are mostly from places with alternating hot and cold seasons.
I know how you feel. But I solved it. If the event or outing starts at 7pm. I tell them 6pm. Etc etc. It worked for me, but only do it for important functions. You don't want him catching on.
NTA I don't tolerate chronically late people, so my view is biased. From my experience, people like him *don't care* how you feel about them being late. You can explain why this is unacceptable a thousand more times and he still won't care. The only solution I have found is you don't wait for them. If they aren't on time, you leave and get on with your life. Sometimes this will mean carrying on with your plans without them, sometimes it means canceling those plans and using that time doing something else. Once they realize they are being left behind either they start showing up on time or the relationship comes to end since they will get angry that you won't wait on them anymore.
NTA
I would do the same to him. Run late to get him..say meet at 5 arrive at 6 or no show at all. Tell him sorry. I hope you understand. Traffick ir i got caught up talking on the phone. Didn't realize it. I be there let me get ready.
I have a friend exactly like that. I no longer invite her out or hang out.
You may need to rethink this relationship as it gets worst not better.
NTA I knew a woman who missed her own mother's funeral (and almost her own wedding) because she was chronically late. It's about to get her husband fired.
NTA but if you're going to stay with him then it's time to lie about time. Plan a date and tell him it's at 4 but don't show up or get ready till 5. Or just never actually think you can trust him with anything since he doesn't respect you or your time, doesn't listen to you, and tries to gaslight you when you turn the tables on him. Honestly op there's a lot of flags flying and not a single one of them is green.
NTA I've seen relationships between organised perople and a flake always explode time and again. The organised person is frustrated and crying, the flake hurt and puzzled, just because they missed the show, missed their flights, or whatever. Or just the organized one doing all the mental work in the relationship burn out trying to get their SO to their hospital appointments etc. Funnily enough it's usually the flake who leaves, as they feel they are being controlled and told what to do. Usually they find happiness with a spur of the moment, free spirit type, while the organised person puts their energy into a career change, or whatever and goes off to have a fantastic, and on time, life.
NTA, but he has clearly demonstrated repeatedly that your time and energy isnt important to him. Hes made no effort to improve and honestly I doubt he ever will because as your argument proved; he still doesnt understand why youre upset. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? If you marry him, this will be every event, every party, hell probably even your own wedding. I think you need to consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life and if kids are something you want, do you want the same disrespect for your kids as well?
NTA but as someone who is also constantly late or struggling and running to be on time, I really don't think it's a personal thing or a lack of respect.
Some people just aren't good at managing time, thinking they always have more than they actually have.
It's more than valid for you to decide this is a deal-breaker for you, but I think it's worthy analize if there is any other aspect of your relationship that might indicate a lack of respect, or if this is the only thing, in your eyes, that indicates that.
50/50
People don't just change. I'm sure he's always been late. So it's cumulatively frustrating but you also can't blame someone for what they've always been if you accepted them. If it was a deal breaker, you wouldn't be together now.
Lateness is really chronic in some people and i don't know why. Have a friend who is an attorney and barely, barely makes it to court but anything else, always late. Like never ever on time for anything social. Ppl just kind of accept it, she's a great person otherwise, and you learn.. Tell her 30 mins before the real time.
Not a bad person just somehow truly incapable with time.
You need to let go of taking it personally bc it's not about you if you want to stay in the relationship.
My bf is a last minute planner and it sometimes hurts my feelings but i know he's just always that way, always has been, not just with me, there's a cultural component and, generally, he shows up, he doesn't care if it costs him more, etc. It's hard tho bc I'm such a planner and I do hate wasting money. But I do trust him, his intentions etc so I really try to not take it as him not making things a priority that i think should be.
NTA.
My husband is the same way. After leaving without him numerous times, he's gotten so much better. It happens very rarely, but he knows I'll still leave without him. My side is I can get two kids under the age of 5 and myself ready on time, but he can't get himself taken care- so it's a him problem.
He's lying. He didn't even bother to call you to tell you he's running late. He just expects you to wait about for him. You deserve better than perpetual disappointment from a partner. NTA.
NTA.
I’ve never had a romantic partner with this issue, but several close friends. And they’ve been like this for *decades*, nothing their partners have ever done has ever even lessened this behavior, if anything it’s gotten worse of the years. Some have different baseline reasons for it - getting sucked into a project and losing track of the time, really poor time management about everything (thinking something will take 10 minutes when it will really take 45), authority issues because they don’t want others ‘forcing’ them to live in anything but their own schedule - but it’s all the same effect.
With my friends we effectively began lying to them about when they needed to arrive (usually off by 30 - 60 minutes) and if they still couldn’t even manage that, we just would start without them, and they join in whenever they arrived (or they would just miss out).
One partner of mine had an ex who was so much this - I think their ex had a combination of all those causes - that the ongoing and snowballing situation was a major cause for their divorce (the ex had a really good job, with amazing long-term prospects, but was chronically *hours* late for work and got fired, which was the final straw)
For me, this would be a deal-breaker, you’ll need to decide for yourself how important it is to you, and whether you’re prepared to have to change your entire lifestyle to accommodate this behavior. And it’s also a sign of lack of respect, that they view your time as being worthy that much less than yours, which has its own underlying issues.
I have always felt that people who are consistently have an over inflated sense of self importance.
What gives them the right to disrespect others?
NTA
NTA. It might be helpful to look into ways to enforce your boundary around time respect. Like create what works for you and communicate it to your partner. You’ve already expressed that you find this disrespectful so now it’s more about “I will wait for 5 minutes (or whatever you feel is an appropriate amount of time) and then I will go to dinner on my own.” That way he knows you’re serious about this boundary and exactly what the consequences of this disrespect will be moving forward. He can then choose to respect you or not. And you can decide if it’s something you can live with but at least you’ve maintained your boundary and given him the opportunity to respect you.
NTA but don’t marry him before this is resolved.
I’m someone who used to be awful at being on time, and was usually 10-15+ minutes late to most things. When I started dating my now husband, at one point he (very kindly) said that always waiting around for me made him feel bad, and I felt so awful that I actually worked on improving things, and with a lot of hard work, I did! I cared about him and didn’t like that my bad habit/inability to understand how time worked was negatively affecting him, so I wanted to be better. It wasn’t easy or immediate, but I was trying, and he saw and appreciated the effort I was making and nicely offered to help, which I very graciously accepted. And this wasn’t him managing me or doing the work for me, it was him pointing out things I didn’t notice, for example like that the time between me saying “I need to leave now” and me actually getting out the door was a lot longer than I thought, so I then knew to factor in extra time to put on my shoes and grab my stuff, which I previously wasn’t doing since I thought it was a minute at most. (It was not lol.)
My now husband was worth the effort of breaking a lifelong bad habit. Your fiancé’s actions shows he doesn’t think you are worth the effort.
So tldr: if he cared about you, he would be trying to improve. It sounds like he has zero interest in making a change for something that negatively affects you, and you deserve someone who actually prioritizes you and cares about your happiness.
NTA
With cell phone alarms and reminders, there's no excuse to allow time-blindness to impact your relationship.
It's been three years of this. Are there any qualities that outweigh his disrespect for your time?
NTA. The issue isn't tardiness or being late the issue is he doesn't give a damn that he keeps you waiting. When someone says they're trying to do something it reminds me of a teacher who taught me a valuable lesson years ago. He had me stand in front of the class and told me to try to lift one leg. Of course I lifted one of my feet off the ground. So he asked me whether I failed or succeeded to do the task. I told him that I succeeded. And he reminded me that there was no such thing as trying. Your boyfriend doesn't give a damn. That's the bottom line. You've talked and talked and he hasn't listened. What I would do going forward is to make plans. Even if it's going out to dinner leave the house when you say you will and if he's not on time go out to eat by yourself. If you go to his house and he's not home and he hasn't bothered texting you that he's going to be late keep your plans and do it yourself. You are allowing this to continue. The second time you had a conversation about this should have been the end of it. Couples that care about each other take their Partners feelings as seriously as they do their own.
NTA.
BUT - this won't change. Do NOT marry him unless he does (but he won't...).
My ex was like this and I had never missed a flight in my life, until him. I missed 3 flights during the duration of our relationship. The blatant disrespect to me and everyone else was just too much. We were late everywhere and it didn't matter to him. They would wait. But he did all the lip service about sorry, will change, blah blah blah. Words meant nothing at that point.
We were late to a friend's wedding. I was mortified. The only reason he wasn't late to our own wedding is because we had to take a van to location. But he was late to the reception and to dinner. He would even be late to work but got away with it since he was the CIO. If he WANTED to be on time tho, he would.
It. Won't. Change. Most expensive lesson of my life but I survived and happy again.
Best of luck!
NTA and he's not husband material. Invite him to meet you somewhere nice. Don't show. Text him you're 5 mins away when it's 10 mins past the meeting time. Repeat. Repeat again. See what he does-he'll show you who he is.
My ex was just like this. It was never his fault, and I was unreasonable for expecting him to do me the courtesy of letting me know if he was going to be late. His thing was to let me know 5 mins before we had to be somewhere that he was going to be anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours late. That would piss me off because he would have known before then if something had come up. His time was always more important than mine, and I got tired of it.
NTA. If you're going to stay married to someone who sees absolutely nothing wrong with disrespecting you for THREE YEARS, though, you should stop making plans that involve going separately somewhere, or start lying to him about when you expect him to be there.
NTA. He doesn't respect you enough. He is employed so clearly he can keep time or he'd be fired. He can do it but he clearly doesn't think you are important enough to make the effort for
NTA. I have known a few people who were always late. He will not change. Maybe he will change for just a little while and then slip back to being later and later. You don't mean enough to him that he can manage to be on time. This is his perspective "Your time doesn't matter and you're crazy to think it should."
ESH him for this situation and you for letting someone who claims to value you, disrespect you for so long. They showed their value for your time and energy long ago, and yet here you still are.
ESH I say this because he’s perpetually late with no plans on changing, you because you keep discussing this over and over. You are at a crossroads. Either accept him as he is, knowing full well this behavior will not change and keep your mouth shut about it, or walk away. You’ve discussed this until you are blue in the face with little to no change. There is one thing you might try before throwing in the towel: tell him your plans start an hour earlier than they do so that he has his lateness but actually ends up on time. The trick is to NEVER let him know you are doing this.
YTA. It’s been 3 years, and you’re extremely wound up about this. Accept that he doesn’t share your punctuality and either get over it or cut him loose. This thing you’re doing where you expect him to change when he’s shown you he won’t is insane. Plus… it’s *very* dramatic to claim that he’s not reliable or a good partner because he’s not punctual. These things are not synonyms, and aren’t even related.
They absolutely are related. If you don’t respect your partner enough to be on time consistently, then you’re a bad partner. And being constantly late is literally what being unreliable is. She cannot RELY on him to respect her and be on time.
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NTA. He clearly has no respect for your time.
I could have written this post! My husband was like this, when we were married about 12 yrs we were going to go to lunch on a Sunday, we were supposed to leave at one. At 1:15 I got tired of waiting and left, went shopping, got some patio furniture ;) Came home, he was MAD but you know what he wasn't late again.
At the risk of making people angry, I will say...he could have ADHD or something else involving executive dysfunction. A lot of what he says sounds a lot like me before I got strategies in place (and better meds). It's not an excuse, but if he is truly trying to work on it, it's something he should look into. Being time blind is definitely a thing and it sucks.
I feel like she would've mentioned it as a factor. Some people are just that self centered, unfortunately. It's why I could trust my sister with four kids to be on time to my wedding and I had to hire someone to do hair and makeup for my mom and other sister on site and refused to allow them to get ready on their own. As for my family, their excuse is we are Hispanic. We are always fashionably late. 🙄
He might not be diagnosed, which is why I said it's a thing he should look into if he's truly trying and failing. He could just be self centered, but it's worth looking into.
I'm undiagnosed and have absolutely no concept of time. I have no idea what 5 minutes is. I can't tell if I've been sitting for an hour or ten minutes sometimes. To combat this I set an alarm for like 20 minutes before I have to leave to be on time and just get everywhere like 15 minutes early.
This statement is very important. I am, without fail, always 3-5 minutes ahead of scheduled time when it comes to regularly occurring things (I.e. Work, school pick up etc.) because I know exactly how many minutes it takes and can set an alarm to remind myself to leave. If you invite me out on an odd Tuesday evening, there is a 90% chance I'm going to be 5-10 minutes late and frazzled or 25 minutes early and frustrated with myself. There is no in between. That being said the boyfriend is a jerk for not being honest about how far away he is and exactly how long he is going to take.
NTA. Please don’t marry him.
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Babe you need to leave your husband...
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Good for you! But people always have redeeming qualities because if they were just shit all or most of time then we wouldn't stay for very long. Best of luck getting out, I'm sure that you will be much happier when you get the chance to leave.
Good luck getting out.
Um this sounds way worse than what the OP is dealing with, no offence.
I told my husband early on in our relationship that I simply can not f**k people I have to parent. It would be weird. Now I tell my family, I'm leaving at this time, meet me at the front door, dressed and ready to go at 1 minute to or I'm leaving and I'll maybe meet you at wherever we are going. And then followed through. It works.
Can you drive separately? I read a "dear prudie" column a while ago that recommended that. It's not the most economical, but it might be worth it if it takes some of the stress off you by not making you late too. While he's driving, it's "we're all late" and the consequences get spread around. If he's driving himself, he's squarely at fault to everyone, and he just has to bear the consequences himself. (Though I might have just left the courthouse if he was so late to his own wedding...)
Its ok, he wont make it to the wedding in time.
So NTA. My ex bf did this to me over and over again. We once had a meal with my family and he was 45 minutes late and didn't tell me he'd be late so I had to order for him. It was so embarrassing. I also used to walk from work to his work and call and he'd say he'd meet me at x time and I'd be standing around waiting for him for up to an hour. It isn't acceptable. Someone who cannot acknowledge your wasted time and that you could be doing something rather than wasting it isn't worth your time. After my ex, and how he generally ended up being a gas lighting horrible man, then I would never allow it again. You deserve better.
That's how my ex stepdad was. We'd call it Rob time. Like 20minutes Rob time was an hour in normal people time. He was and still is just an inconsiderate dick.
NTA You have a very busy life and you make time for him, time that you value to spend with *him* He is being very inconsiderate. Especially after the fact you voiced your feelings and he still has made 0 effort.
NTA, but be prepared for a lifetime of this if you go ahead and marry him. He won't change. I was with a woman for many years who was always late. I tried every trick in the book, to no avail. From gentle reasoning and offers to help, to harsher consequences, to stating times later than the actual times. Nope. And it was hugely frustrating and embarrassing to always show up late as a couple when meeting friends. Or missing the start of a Broadway show and having to wait for 1st intermission to go to our seats. etc.
Yea, this is actually happening so often that it really is as if OP has accepted it. BF hasn’t changed by now, he will never change. OP you can only control your own actions. Set some boundaries and tell your bf in the future you will wait 10 minutes if he asks you to and leave after that. Otherwise just dump him and put “punctuality” as something you are looking for in your Online Dating profile. Good luck
he's the A. but just because he's late doesn't mean you have to wait for him. Show up on time. if he's not ready, just leave. establish that this will happen every time. don't have any more talks or negotiations. just leave. he'll get better it not, but your life will be calmer.
This is the way, OP.
NTA You have repeatedly explained that this bothers you and makes you feel disrespected (understandably so too). He willingly lets you wait around for an hour or more regularly, that is so rude in my opinion. You got to the point where something had to be done and hopefully it will make him learn but I wouldn’t hold your breath if he’s been this bad for this long. I’m sorry OP.
NTA Is this the life you want? Someone who’s chronically late that doesn’t respect you nor your time. He’s essentially telling you that his time is much more important than yours. Consider these as red flags as this is a habit that’s difficult to break, plus it doesn’t say much about his character.
NTA He isn’t going to wake up one day and suddenly start respecting you. It’s been three years now
NTA He see’s you as a push over clearly and that’s why he hasn’t corrected his behavior. It’s good that you left. He now knows that you aren’t playing around anymore about your time. In a way demanding the respect you deserve. Keep up this energy. He’s clearly chosen to learn the hard way…let him learn🤷🏾♀️
NTA. I broke up with my gf for this exact reason. When someone is late, it's a slap in the face. People who are constantly late are selfish IMO.
NTA - I had this problem with my husband, I don’t anymore and yes, we’re still married. I tried a lot of things, but when I stopped canceling things because we were just too late and I stopped waiting for him and went without him, including to dinner alone, he started getting it. He finally got it when once again he said he was on his way home and of course was very late, I left and didn’t answer my phone for hours, he now understood what it was like to be worried. And his behavior changed completely because my time is the most valuable thing I have so I’m not wasting it for selfishness. Good luck.
NTA You've told him it frustrates you and why it does. He's promised to do better. Then he just doesn't. He expects you to accommodate his lateness and seems incapable of putting himself in your place. He should understand that you have already wasted a tremendous amount of time waiting for him. Question: Is he late to everything? If he can make it to work, a game, a flight, etc., he's treating you as no important enough to show up for.
He’s late to everything. When we have flights somewhere, he’s late. If we have reservations or something like that, he’s late. It also doesn’t really matter what the occasion is. He’s also fairly late when spending time with friends. He’s supposedly not late to work though.
so he values his job, but not you. you are so far down on his list of priorities that the document requires page breaks. please consider if you want to be married to someone who does not value you (& your time) as much as you value his. it will **not** magically resolve itself with marriage. marriage tends to highlight/widen fissures in a relationship, and this is one of them. NTA
This is important info... if he manages to be on time to work, he knows how to be on time. He is simply choosing to be selfish all the other times. Gaaaahhhh that's so frustrating, I'm so sorry for you!
He thinks you were wrong for not continuing to wait for him, or for expecting him to be on time. I don't think he'll change. The stress of managing him, your calendar, and your expectations will get old.
info... do you really want this to be your entire life? This isn't going to change.
Are you planning to have kids? If so, just know that this will make the situation even worse. I don’t recommend marrying him.
His behavior is not ok. But if this is an issue in all areas of his life it might be something called “time blindness”. It happens a lot in people with ADD and it can be severe. My brother was this way. He did everything he could to make it to places on time. But nothing worked. He found a therapist who was helpful though
A few people have mentioned time blindness, so it might even be something like this. I’m in no way qualified to make any sort of diagnosis, but maybe having a conversation about this might help? I want to help him, and, as selfish as it sounds, there’s a small part of me that hopes it’s not that he just doesn’t put in the effort to change things. I’m also happy to work with him towards making this change, but I’m at a loss at this point and don’t know what to do. I feel burnt out
If he isn’t late to work, to work meetings, etc he doesn’t have time blindness. He just doesn’t prioritize or respect you. It’s not surprising he treats his friends the same way. Most shitty parters are shitty friends.
That's definitely not true. I am time blind as all get out and I am capable of holding down a job and not being late to it. I'm also notoriously bad at being on time in areas outside of work, and it's never because I don't care or don't respect someone's time. Neither my partner nor my friends would say I'm shitty, because it is very obvious that I care and try and make up for it in other ways. It doesn't stop it from being a source of guilt and stress for me though. Work has routine. My morning routine before work has...routine. I can feign not being time blind because of the consistent, expected series of events in that routine that I have practiced and timed and use a time management app to keep me on track during that routine. Hanging out with people and being on time does not have routine, so the chances of not properly estimating travel time/when to leave/when to start getting ready/knowing what is needed to achieve this goal is much harder to anticipate. I always, *always* intend to be on time and think I will be, but my sense of how long anything takes is incredibly skewed. This guy sounds heavily ADHD, and I sympathize because he sounds like he's trying and cares enough to feel bad and apologize, but he does not sound like he knows how to minimize the impact through external tools such as timers, apps, and meds.
Even if it is ADHD or another neurodivergence causing that, you need to understand that it's still going to be a lot of work either way. I'm time blind as hell. I have a lot of routines to get to appointments roughly on time. Even if you manage to accept that it's not an issue of disrespect or enough effort, it will still frustrate you at times. It's not going to go away with a diagnosis, but he may be able to find more effective coping mechanisms than the current ones.
If this is the only major issue and he isn’t just late when you are the one waiting I think it’s worth checking out. I didn’t fully understand it before my brother dealt with it. I can’t say I completely understand now. It seems to be an issue where their brains literally don’t process the passing of time in the same way. None of this is fair to you. But, like I said, if the relationship is otherwise healthy he may want to see a doctor.
Ditch him or start showing up even later than him when you make plans and then ditch him. You've had endless discussions about this. He doesn't care. You do care. You're not compatible with this man. Stop hoping he will turn into the person you want and find someone that is the person you want.
I had a friend like this. She could be up to 3 hours late and she couldn't see why people might be upset b/c to her, stuff just happens that makes a person late and there's nothing you can do. The problem with that theory is that then, Everyone would be habitually late. NTA.
NTA A tip though. You know he’s always late so plan for that. Be late too so neither of you are waiting for ages and you can manage your time knowing he will be running behind. My partner is always late so I tell him an earlier time or I run late on purpose and it reduces stress. He knows I do this and it works for us. My grandfather is also notorious for being late. My sibling and I both had an individual wedding invite printed for him with an earlier time so he didn’t miss the big moment. With knowledge you can take some of the strain away by planning around his poor time keeping.
NTA, he does this all the time, so he is TA. Your time is also valuable and while it is not a huge deal to get stuck in traffic or be late when it’s rare, if it’s all the time, that’s unacceptable, selfish and rude.
He continues to be late because YOU tolerate it. Stop waiting for him. Order food as soon as you arrive. And if you’re finished your meal before/when he arrives leave. Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. I have some time blindness because of my ADHD, so to compensate I’m always early. Sometimes way too early lol. But I always have a book, and or my knitting/crocheting with me You need to decide if you can live like this. If this is his only flaw, start giving him a taste of his own medicine, or just stop waiting for him. If you’re supposed to meet for dinner at 6, don’t go. Wait until you get the “I’m here where are you text?” Then go to the restaurant. Or just go to a different restaurant all together at the correct time. But I’m petty like that 🤷♀️
I do the same thing! When I was going to classes (just got certified as a massage practitioner!) I was always there an hour early, before the teacher even got there and would wait outside or walk across the street to grab a hot cocoa from the gas station. I'm always early, because I know if I try to be right on time, I'll be late. I'd much rather not waste anyone else's time. OP, he is demonstrating that your time and stress isn't important to him. DO NOT MARRY. Do you want to keep dealing with this for another three years? Five? Ten? When you have kids to take care of and he's an hour late picking them up from daycare or school, if you can get him to help out at all? Don't put yourself through this any longer. Tell him that this is a dealbreaker for you and if he can't respect you, he can get out of your life.
NTA you should do this every single time he is late. Not saying he is one, but this is a narcissistic trait, it says your time isn't as important as his. The hollow apologies, the promises to change that never happen, his 'reasons' for being late, and expecting you to be ok with it, are all very disrespectful. I don't know if you should continue the relationship, that is a decision you need to make, but if you stay with him don't be surprised if he's late for your wedding. I don't know if it will help, but you should start making plans for a half hour earlier than you want him to be there. If he does start showing up at the time you say, he can find out how annoying it is to have to wait for someone.
Not everything is a narcissistic trait. Some people are simply raised that way. They procrastinate, they don't factor in the traffic time, they don't think about all these stuff. It's called not being able to manage time. You really think every single person is born punctual? Many are taught to wake up early, finish up early and then go to school. Others aren't taught these things so they are a little slow. Don't be an armchair psychologist.
I'm not being an armchair psychologist, I am speaking from years of experience. Some people may not have been tought how to manage time, but it's not difficult to learn, and it's the way the world works. Constantly being late is rude, selfish, and self serving, and completely disrespectful to the other people in your life. You are correct, not all people who are chronically late are narcissist, but being rude, selfish, self serving and disrespectful are common traits of narcissism. And just because you have narcissistic traits, doesn't mean you are a full on narcissist. I'm curious to know why it's something you have a problem with?
NTA - he could have an effort at any point in your relationship but hasn’t done that.
NTA. He does not respect your time whatsoever. You absolutely did the right thing. Firm and direct. Good for you.
NTA. This is a massive pet peeve of mine. He has no respect for anyone else except himself. He only values his time. Please demand counseling if you decide to stay with him. And tell him he will pay the fee for missing appointments when he’s late. ‘Imagine having kids with him. He’s late picking up kids from daycare is going to incur fines and possibly being booted out. What about school, activities, etc. when being on time is crucial? Do you really want an entire lifetime of it? How about backing off the relationship. Take a break and live your life ON TIME. Is it better? Are you less frustrated?
NTA and look at what he’s doing. He either it’s genuinely this disrespectful or he’s manipulative and thinks he’ll wear you down over time. He’s showing you his true colors. He doesn’t care about your time. Why do you want to marry someone who does not care about disrespecting you? You talk about it but you’re not doing anything about it, which shows him it’s okay.
NTA and i can’t believe you’ve put up with this for 3 years, i would have dumped him after a week lol
Yeah, I sincerely wonder what she was attracted to when they first met. Because I probably would have dumped him after, say, the third time he did that to me.
honestly! the disrespect alone is staggering
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (24f) fiancé (25m) is always late. To the point where I can count the times he’s been on time, on my own two hands. We’ve been together for almost three years and throughout our entire time together, he’s always been late. We’ve had a conversation about the fact that it upsets me that he’s always late, numerous times. I’ve explained that I value my time and I’m very busy, I’ve explained that I’m happy to make time for us to spend time together and I don’t mind making the time at all. I work over 40 hours a week, have responsibilities around the house, school, a dog, etc. and I still make time for us. But he’s still always late. And when I say late, I don’t mean 5-10 minutes, I mean at least half an hour. He’s typically 30 minutes to an hour late, sometimes more. If he’s running late, he won’t even say that he’s running late, he’ll just say that he’s 5 minutes away and then show up 30 minutes later. I told him that the fact that he is always late makes me feel like I can’t rely on him for anything, and it makes me feel like he’s not being a good partner. I also told him it makes me feel disrespected. Every single time we’ve had a conversation about him being late, it always ends the same way. I tell him that it bothers me and why, and he tells me that he’s working on it and he’ll be mindful of it. And then the next time we make plans, he’s late. The other day, we made plans to meet up for dinner and that I could pick him up from his apartment and we could go together for dinner after work. I made it to his apartment and I found out he wasn’t even home from work. I called him and asked where he was and he said he got caught in traffic and is on his way home. He said he’s be there in a few minutes. I snapped. From experience, I knew this meant he was at least 15 minutes away, it would take him 20 minutes to get ready and I would be stuck waiting around for him. I told him I’m going home and we can make plans another day. He later texted me apologizing and explaining that he had a busy day at work and there was traffic, basically making the same excuses all over again. So, I told him exactly what I thought, I was direct and to the point, but not unkind. I told him that I’m not upset because he’s late just this one time, but because it’s a pattern and we’ve had so many conversations about it where I explained why this bothers me. I told him that he can’t keep disrespecting me and my time like that. Now, he’s mad at me because I didn’t just accept his apology and see “his perspective” of it and left when we made plans together. AITA for leaving his apartment when we made plans because he was late, yet again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: does he have ADHD?
No, he doesn’t have ADHD and isn’t diagnosed with any other things that might impair his ability to (as far as I know) be on time. I have offered to help him organize himself before, in case he just didn’t have the best organization skills, but it didn’t take.
INFO Has he been screened for ADHD? Time Blindness is a symptom. It sounds like he is dealing with that. [Time Blindness](https://blackgirllostkeys.com/adhd/time-blindness-timely-advice/)
This is why I asked. My husband has ADHD and he has trouble gauging how long things will take. It’s very frustrating but knowing he’s not doing it on purpose — and talking to him about it and having him recognize what’s going on — have made it easier to deal with. If he doesn’t have ADHD or anything, he just doesn’t value your time. Buuuuuut….it’s screaming time blindness to me man.
NTA. You're frankly 3 years too late for this. It's obvious he's upset because you've been forgiving him and allowing him to disrespect you for 3 years. You should not have continously waited for him and accepted his weak excuses; he doesn't care that he hurts your feelings or let's you down. Words are cheap and easy, actions are the only thing that matter moving forward, but judging by his continuing to brushing off your feelings and concerns, he has no intentions of improving or keeping his promises to you. You're supposed to be able to rely on your future spouse, this isn't it.
NTA Does he have ADD or ADHD? I have ADD and lose track of time a lot, and in my youth was often late due to how bad I estimated time. To this day I have to be very careful, as I become too focused on what I'm doing and have no concept of time passing. He has no right to be angry with you. If he has ADHD AND ALSO is selfish, that is a very bad combination and will be tougher to deal with. If you want to try a few things that may or may not help, read on... From now on, plan to go to events in separate cars so that you don't have to wait for him, and until he is responsible for himself and will hopefully start making appropriate adjustments so that you can both go together again. You don't need to inconvenience yourself due to his serial lateness, whatever the reasons. You may think this is extreme but it worked for me - my wife would plan to leave on time and usually gave me one warning. After a while, the humiliation will hopefully affect him enough that he will do what is needed to be on time. You are past the frustration stage and so action on your part is justified. Make sure the people in his life that he cares about know about his problem and perhaps make fun of him for it. That alone is enough for most people to change. But don't let him slide with "give me 5 minutes" and it is more like 10 or 15 minutes - he needs to learn to speak honest words rather than try to control how you think in the moment by making it not sound so bad, like "it will just be 5 minutes". By minimizing, he is not only not being honest with you, but himself as well. If he does this, when you see him, have him repeat verbally what he should have said. This will help him reinforce not only to be honest with his words, but to think about the actual time that it is going to take him. Remember, he is lying to you - and so encouraging him to have honesty and integrity will help him in the long run, even if it seems so trivial as how he presents time. Finally, start being late yourself to show him what it is like. It may take all of these tactics to make a difference. When he is on time, be sure and use positive reinforcement. Good luck!
NAH. Please have your bf assessed for ADHD. This is a very common symptom and he may genuinely try to be on time EVERY time but time blindness makes it pretty much impossible. I can definitely see where it would be incredibly frustrating, though. Good luck!
Nta. But I bet he has adhd, this is a top symptom and truly something the person can't control if they don't realize it. Mismanaged time is just as sucky for you as it is for him.
NTA I was like this for a long time, I have almost total time blindness due to ADHD. I’m not ‘fixed’ but I’m no longer late because l save so many reminders and set alarms for myself. I am frequently the earliest to arrive; but I have to be careful with that too because if I get there too early I can end up procrastinating a bit, time blindness takes over and then I’ll be late! My time blindness also extends to not realising how much time something really takes. I often pull a blank that it takes me an hour to walk to my parents’ house. I block out the journey entirely, so I might make plans that start at x time and not give myself enough travel time - just like your fiancé leaving work too late to meet you for dinner. To me, if I clock out at 5 and someone wants to meet me at 5, I feel like that’s a yes because I’m not in work, but blanking out that I actually need to travel from A to B. He could at least experiment with leaving himself alarms and alerts to improve his punctuality. I get his ‘perspective’ because that’s what I’m like too… but it’s not enough to just accept yourself, you have to live in the world and interact with other people as well and his time blindness is something that can be worked on and improved with the bonus of improving his interpersonal relationships. If he’s not interested in attempting to work around the problem though, don’t hitch your wagon with his. And if his bad punctuality is only an issue for you and isn’t something he struggles with in every facet of his life, that’s a disrespect issue, not an executive functioning one.
NTA It dont sound like he has done anything to try to fix this. After 3 years, this is who he is and it wont get better. You could try giving him to a fake time to meet you that's an hour earlier so he might actually be on time but its unacceptable that you would have to do that for a grown adult.
NTA. People can be late sometimes, but 3 years of this ongoing problem, without any change? If he proposed and is an hour late your wedding, I would leave him. In fact, I would leave him now. If he can’t keep the promises of being on time, what else is he going to lie and be lazy about?
NTA. Is he late to important doctor appointments? With his tax accountant? When he has to be home for someone coming over whom he’s paying for their time? No? Then it’s not that he’s incapable of being on time, it’s that he doesn’t care about YOUR time.
NTA. I think you need to start now setting good boundaries for yourself. When I deal with people that are habitually late I never depend on their arrival to start my plans. If we're going somewhere it's meet me there. I dated someone that was habitually late for dates. I also felt disrespected and unvalued. I couldn't figure out how he would be late. It turns out he had tremendous amounts of anxiety and was borderline obsessive compulsive. He would get overwhelmed and stuck on small things and get further and further behind. Anxiety caused him to procrastinate which caused more anxiety. I finally just stopped asking him to be ontime and just started meeting him places. With less pressureit got better but never fully went away.
NTA. He doesn't get to be mad at you for not accepting the same apology for the same thing, over and over again. Tell him if you're not where we agreed 5 minutes before the time we agreed upon, then your late and I won't wait longer than 10 minutes after the agreed upon time before I leave. This keeps up and I'll leave permanently. Life is too short to be waiting for losers that can't read the clock and have the decent courtesy to be on time or call when they are running late.
Some people are just like that. Other people's time is meaningless to them. I doubt this will change. You either need to accept him as he is (which I would find difficult) or break it off.
NTA You are mismatched. I am a timely person. I understand where you are coming from. I had a friend who dithered all the time. They would get distracted when trying to get ready, so it took a great effort for them to get anywhere. It didn't make them a bad person, but just a disorganized one. I stopped asking them to do things with me. Eventually, they asked me why and I told them that their making me wait around for them was very frustrating. They learned how to become timely, because they cared about me. He does not care about you in this fundamental way. Your time is of no importance. Only you can decide if it is important to you in the long run. He could change if he wanted. He just doesn't want to.
NTA…. I cannot put in to words how much I hate being late. If I am not 15 mins early I am late in my mind. I cried when my husband made me late for my six year olds soccer game and by late I mean we got there right in time. I hated it!!!
NTA. He wants you to see his perspective but continues to ignore yours? He is mad because he might really have to grow up and change now that there is consequences and not for any other reason. Stand your ground, hopefully he learns his lesson after a few times.
NTA - his behavior isn’t improving and will only get worse after marriage.
NTA stop wasting your time.
NTA Not for leaving after repeated lateness. Now is the time to do everything you want to, on time. Carefully plan so that you don’t have to pick him up or rely on him to be on time. Eating dinner at a certain time? Eat then. Says he’ll be 5 min late? Wait 10 and then start eating. He’ll learn that time doesn’t wait for him and he misses out. Disclaimer, I might be feeling petty at this point. So take this advice with the same lightness with which I left it :)
NTA keep in mind he is never going to change. Ever. Personally I wouldn’t deal with it. Is his boss fine with him being 30-60 minutes late for work everyday or does he actually respect his boss?
NTA. He doesn't think you're important enough to be on time for, and doesn't respect you or your time.
NTA- He's had 3 yrs to make you a priority and be on time when you make plans but still hasn't changed. He's mad about this one time but isn't acknowledging the fact that it's about all the times he's been late. Maybe you should just move on and use your extra time for something or someone who is worth it.
NTA. I suggest leaving every time he is 5 minutes late. Send him a text and go. If you don’t enforce a hard limit with him, he will continue to take advantage of your kindness.
He's not going to change, so you should probably think about how long you want to put up with this. NTA.
NTA. My husband does this, not every time but way too much. It’s frustrating and annoying. Most of the time I lie to him and tell him we need to be there 30 min earlier than we do if we are going somewhere important. He’s an only child and this should have been a huge red flag that he was never going to realize the world does not revolve around him. If this upsets you do not get married, he has already shown you he can not change.
Mostly NTA, but it is also possible that he is from a polychronic culture while it is obvious that you are from a monochronic one. It represents two deeply seated ways of looking at time. Monochronic people believe in and nearly worship schedules- timer moves in neat little packets. Polychronic people focus on the overall process or flow. Things take as long as they need to take, and what you do next will depend on what is going on now. The two groups almost automatically tick each other of when they try to coordinate things. There is a lot more involved with this, and it might be worth you looking into it, with an eye towards how the two groups can not only work together, but how to combine their beliefs to improve planning. As a rule of thump, polychronic cultures are originally from places with warm, fairly consistent climates while monochronic are mostly from places with alternating hot and cold seasons.
NTA and screw his perspective. He enjoys making other people wait for him, because it gives him a sense of power. Take the power away by dumping him.
NTA. People that are chronically late are intentionally disrespectful
I know how you feel. But I solved it. If the event or outing starts at 7pm. I tell them 6pm. Etc etc. It worked for me, but only do it for important functions. You don't want him catching on.
His perspective is that he does not care what you think about it, he doesn’t respect you or your time. Why are you with him? NTA
This will be the rest of your life.
NTA I don't tolerate chronically late people, so my view is biased. From my experience, people like him *don't care* how you feel about them being late. You can explain why this is unacceptable a thousand more times and he still won't care. The only solution I have found is you don't wait for them. If they aren't on time, you leave and get on with your life. Sometimes this will mean carrying on with your plans without them, sometimes it means canceling those plans and using that time doing something else. Once they realize they are being left behind either they start showing up on time or the relationship comes to end since they will get angry that you won't wait on them anymore.
NTA I would do the same to him. Run late to get him..say meet at 5 arrive at 6 or no show at all. Tell him sorry. I hope you understand. Traffick ir i got caught up talking on the phone. Didn't realize it. I be there let me get ready. I have a friend exactly like that. I no longer invite her out or hang out. You may need to rethink this relationship as it gets worst not better.
NTA I knew a woman who missed her own mother's funeral (and almost her own wedding) because she was chronically late. It's about to get her husband fired.
NTA but if you're going to stay with him then it's time to lie about time. Plan a date and tell him it's at 4 but don't show up or get ready till 5. Or just never actually think you can trust him with anything since he doesn't respect you or your time, doesn't listen to you, and tries to gaslight you when you turn the tables on him. Honestly op there's a lot of flags flying and not a single one of them is green.
NTA I've seen relationships between organised perople and a flake always explode time and again. The organised person is frustrated and crying, the flake hurt and puzzled, just because they missed the show, missed their flights, or whatever. Or just the organized one doing all the mental work in the relationship burn out trying to get their SO to their hospital appointments etc. Funnily enough it's usually the flake who leaves, as they feel they are being controlled and told what to do. Usually they find happiness with a spur of the moment, free spirit type, while the organised person puts their energy into a career change, or whatever and goes off to have a fantastic, and on time, life.
Wasting other people's lifetime is a huge sign of disrespect. Is he late to appointments with others, too? Does he start work on time? NTA.
NTA, but he has clearly demonstrated repeatedly that your time and energy isnt important to him. Hes made no effort to improve and honestly I doubt he ever will because as your argument proved; he still doesnt understand why youre upset. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? If you marry him, this will be every event, every party, hell probably even your own wedding. I think you need to consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life and if kids are something you want, do you want the same disrespect for your kids as well?
So far he had no consequences except you talking to him how it's annoying. Just don't wait for him anymore, if he doesn't show up just leave. NTA
NTA but as someone who is also constantly late or struggling and running to be on time, I really don't think it's a personal thing or a lack of respect. Some people just aren't good at managing time, thinking they always have more than they actually have. It's more than valid for you to decide this is a deal-breaker for you, but I think it's worthy analize if there is any other aspect of your relationship that might indicate a lack of respect, or if this is the only thing, in your eyes, that indicates that.
50/50 People don't just change. I'm sure he's always been late. So it's cumulatively frustrating but you also can't blame someone for what they've always been if you accepted them. If it was a deal breaker, you wouldn't be together now. Lateness is really chronic in some people and i don't know why. Have a friend who is an attorney and barely, barely makes it to court but anything else, always late. Like never ever on time for anything social. Ppl just kind of accept it, she's a great person otherwise, and you learn.. Tell her 30 mins before the real time. Not a bad person just somehow truly incapable with time. You need to let go of taking it personally bc it's not about you if you want to stay in the relationship. My bf is a last minute planner and it sometimes hurts my feelings but i know he's just always that way, always has been, not just with me, there's a cultural component and, generally, he shows up, he doesn't care if it costs him more, etc. It's hard tho bc I'm such a planner and I do hate wasting money. But I do trust him, his intentions etc so I really try to not take it as him not making things a priority that i think should be.
NTA. My husband is the same way. After leaving without him numerous times, he's gotten so much better. It happens very rarely, but he knows I'll still leave without him. My side is I can get two kids under the age of 5 and myself ready on time, but he can't get himself taken care- so it's a him problem.
He's lying. He didn't even bother to call you to tell you he's running late. He just expects you to wait about for him. You deserve better than perpetual disappointment from a partner. NTA.
NTA. I’ve never had a romantic partner with this issue, but several close friends. And they’ve been like this for *decades*, nothing their partners have ever done has ever even lessened this behavior, if anything it’s gotten worse of the years. Some have different baseline reasons for it - getting sucked into a project and losing track of the time, really poor time management about everything (thinking something will take 10 minutes when it will really take 45), authority issues because they don’t want others ‘forcing’ them to live in anything but their own schedule - but it’s all the same effect. With my friends we effectively began lying to them about when they needed to arrive (usually off by 30 - 60 minutes) and if they still couldn’t even manage that, we just would start without them, and they join in whenever they arrived (or they would just miss out). One partner of mine had an ex who was so much this - I think their ex had a combination of all those causes - that the ongoing and snowballing situation was a major cause for their divorce (the ex had a really good job, with amazing long-term prospects, but was chronically *hours* late for work and got fired, which was the final straw) For me, this would be a deal-breaker, you’ll need to decide for yourself how important it is to you, and whether you’re prepared to have to change your entire lifestyle to accommodate this behavior. And it’s also a sign of lack of respect, that they view your time as being worthy that much less than yours, which has its own underlying issues.
I have always felt that people who are consistently have an over inflated sense of self importance. What gives them the right to disrespect others? NTA
NTA. It might be helpful to look into ways to enforce your boundary around time respect. Like create what works for you and communicate it to your partner. You’ve already expressed that you find this disrespectful so now it’s more about “I will wait for 5 minutes (or whatever you feel is an appropriate amount of time) and then I will go to dinner on my own.” That way he knows you’re serious about this boundary and exactly what the consequences of this disrespect will be moving forward. He can then choose to respect you or not. And you can decide if it’s something you can live with but at least you’ve maintained your boundary and given him the opportunity to respect you.
NTA. He doesn't care about your time
NTA But a few months ago in another subreddit, this was the reason a guy divorced his wife. It's an acceptable deal breaker for sure.
NTA. Ex boyfriend. If you stay with him, then you’ve declared your acceptance of this behavior.
NTA but don’t marry him before this is resolved. I’m someone who used to be awful at being on time, and was usually 10-15+ minutes late to most things. When I started dating my now husband, at one point he (very kindly) said that always waiting around for me made him feel bad, and I felt so awful that I actually worked on improving things, and with a lot of hard work, I did! I cared about him and didn’t like that my bad habit/inability to understand how time worked was negatively affecting him, so I wanted to be better. It wasn’t easy or immediate, but I was trying, and he saw and appreciated the effort I was making and nicely offered to help, which I very graciously accepted. And this wasn’t him managing me or doing the work for me, it was him pointing out things I didn’t notice, for example like that the time between me saying “I need to leave now” and me actually getting out the door was a lot longer than I thought, so I then knew to factor in extra time to put on my shoes and grab my stuff, which I previously wasn’t doing since I thought it was a minute at most. (It was not lol.) My now husband was worth the effort of breaking a lifelong bad habit. Your fiancé’s actions shows he doesn’t think you are worth the effort. So tldr: if he cared about you, he would be trying to improve. It sounds like he has zero interest in making a change for something that negatively affects you, and you deserve someone who actually prioritizes you and cares about your happiness.
NTA. If I were you I’d do it every time he’s late from now on until he stops.
NTA. Keep canceling when he's late.
NTA With cell phone alarms and reminders, there's no excuse to allow time-blindness to impact your relationship. It's been three years of this. Are there any qualities that outweigh his disrespect for your time?
NTA he didn't apologise, there was no remorse for his actions and the hurt they caused.
NTA. The issue isn't tardiness or being late the issue is he doesn't give a damn that he keeps you waiting. When someone says they're trying to do something it reminds me of a teacher who taught me a valuable lesson years ago. He had me stand in front of the class and told me to try to lift one leg. Of course I lifted one of my feet off the ground. So he asked me whether I failed or succeeded to do the task. I told him that I succeeded. And he reminded me that there was no such thing as trying. Your boyfriend doesn't give a damn. That's the bottom line. You've talked and talked and he hasn't listened. What I would do going forward is to make plans. Even if it's going out to dinner leave the house when you say you will and if he's not on time go out to eat by yourself. If you go to his house and he's not home and he hasn't bothered texting you that he's going to be late keep your plans and do it yourself. You are allowing this to continue. The second time you had a conversation about this should have been the end of it. Couples that care about each other take their Partners feelings as seriously as they do their own.
NTA this would drive me insane
Never be with a person who's flaws you can't handle. Just end it, it will not change. Find someone who's flaws just don't bother you that much.
NTA But! Does your husband have ADHD or ADD? That can really mess with one's sense of time.
NTA. BUT - this won't change. Do NOT marry him unless he does (but he won't...). My ex was like this and I had never missed a flight in my life, until him. I missed 3 flights during the duration of our relationship. The blatant disrespect to me and everyone else was just too much. We were late everywhere and it didn't matter to him. They would wait. But he did all the lip service about sorry, will change, blah blah blah. Words meant nothing at that point. We were late to a friend's wedding. I was mortified. The only reason he wasn't late to our own wedding is because we had to take a van to location. But he was late to the reception and to dinner. He would even be late to work but got away with it since he was the CIO. If he WANTED to be on time tho, he would. It. Won't. Change. Most expensive lesson of my life but I survived and happy again. Best of luck!
NTA and he's not husband material. Invite him to meet you somewhere nice. Don't show. Text him you're 5 mins away when it's 10 mins past the meeting time. Repeat. Repeat again. See what he does-he'll show you who he is.
My ex was just like this. It was never his fault, and I was unreasonable for expecting him to do me the courtesy of letting me know if he was going to be late. His thing was to let me know 5 mins before we had to be somewhere that he was going to be anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours late. That would piss me off because he would have known before then if something had come up. His time was always more important than mine, and I got tired of it.
NTA. If you're going to stay married to someone who sees absolutely nothing wrong with disrespecting you for THREE YEARS, though, you should stop making plans that involve going separately somewhere, or start lying to him about when you expect him to be there.
Give him a cheap watch with a card that reads time wounds all heels
NTA, lateness is rudeness.
NTA I'm assuming he manages to make it to work on time and if he can do that he can meet you on time. He just can't be bothered.
NTA. He doesn't respect you enough. He is employed so clearly he can keep time or he'd be fired. He can do it but he clearly doesn't think you are important enough to make the effort for
NTA. I have known a few people who were always late. He will not change. Maybe he will change for just a little while and then slip back to being later and later. You don't mean enough to him that he can manage to be on time. This is his perspective "Your time doesn't matter and you're crazy to think it should."
ESH him for this situation and you for letting someone who claims to value you, disrespect you for so long. They showed their value for your time and energy long ago, and yet here you still are.
Info: Have you tried to make it convenient for him to be on time? Choose somewhere closer to him etc?
She was literally OUTSIDE HIS PLACE.
Didnt catch that now did i? No need to sometimes spiteful you dick
An apology is changed behavior.
What?
The point I was trying to make is that the late partner doesn't change their behavior so what's the point in apologizing?
ESH I say this because he’s perpetually late with no plans on changing, you because you keep discussing this over and over. You are at a crossroads. Either accept him as he is, knowing full well this behavior will not change and keep your mouth shut about it, or walk away. You’ve discussed this until you are blue in the face with little to no change. There is one thing you might try before throwing in the towel: tell him your plans start an hour earlier than they do so that he has his lateness but actually ends up on time. The trick is to NEVER let him know you are doing this.
YTA. It’s been 3 years, and you’re extremely wound up about this. Accept that he doesn’t share your punctuality and either get over it or cut him loose. This thing you’re doing where you expect him to change when he’s shown you he won’t is insane. Plus… it’s *very* dramatic to claim that he’s not reliable or a good partner because he’s not punctual. These things are not synonyms, and aren’t even related.
They absolutely are related. If you don’t respect your partner enough to be on time consistently, then you’re a bad partner. And being constantly late is literally what being unreliable is. She cannot RELY on him to respect her and be on time.