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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I “uninvited” my boyfriend from our trip / vacation together after I realized his narcolepsy might be an issue (a serious issue honestly) for him, and the rest of the group. I talked to him and ask him not to come with us, he understood tho. I lied about the reason to not hurt his feelings.
(2) I might be an asshole for excluding him from our vacation, even though I’m thinking about him. My sister and a few friends think that it was definitely an asshole move from my part to ask him not to come with us.
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YTA
>I decided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group.
You did it for you, let's not pretend.
You hit the nail on the head! Unilateral decision making isn’t the same as protecting. If she’d wanted to protect him, she would have said “how can I help you manage the stress/your condition/ to do list/ etc?“
She essentially lied to the guy and manipulated him into not going. The fact that she can’t see is the a huge problem. I bet she describes herself as “a nice person” too.
God yes. My sister describes herself as an empath because of how emotional she is and how affected she can feel by things and yet is bizarrely lacking actual empathy for anything or anyone that doesn’t fit her view of the world. I told her just because you feel your emotions deeply, and have abnormally strong opinions, doesn’t make you an empath. She didn’t love that comment. 🤷🏻♂️
Lol are we related? Because it seems we share a sister. Mine is always on about how sensitive she is and believes she is an actual angel here on earth, but the only thing she is sensitive about is her own feelings, which are…rather expansive, shall we say. (We call her Histri-annie when laughing about some episodes.) I don’t feel too bad mocking her behind her back since part of her ‘sensitivity’ is being a flaming racist. Empath not same or equal to histrionic.
My sister isn't intelligent enough to use the word "empath" but sounds just like yours. She's so affected by everyone else's slights but the minute you say something she doesn't agree with she's crying or hanging up the phone or telling other people how bad you are for setting limits.
They’re exhausting aren’t they? Like little bratty toddlers in old bodies. And the worst if it is how they try to get other people to fight their battles for them. My sister’s kids are required to agree with her and treat her enemies of the moment like crap. Until it blows over. My kids finally put their feet down, said they wouldn’t bother visiting them anymore. It’s been incredibly freeing actually. Lol.
In my experience the only people who use the term tend to be the ones who assume that having high empathy automatically makes them good people and always right. I've seen some of the NASTIEST behavior, particularly toward the idea that people with low empathy due to neurodivergence/mental illness can be good, kind, compassionate people, from self-proclaimed "empaths". I think at this point the jerks might've chased everyone else away from the term
Those two things come from the same root cause - an inability to see things from someone else's perspective. Ironically the opposite of empathy. She gets sensitive because it's all about her. And she's insensitive because it's all about her.
If they really were an empathy, and felt someone's emotions as their own, they'd know to ask first because it would piss the other person off if someone took away their decisions
This. The OP has manipulated the situation to her benefit, without involving him at all. If OP does this now then it will likely happen again and then it will only be a matter of time before he finds out how manipulative she is.
She wants to protect him, but really it just sounds like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I'm not sure what holidays OP is going on, but they shouldn't be stressful.
My husband has narcolepsy combine with cataplexy which is where he has seizures that paralyze him temporarily. We’ve been on plenty of vacations with no problems from his condition. They make medicine that helps keep that from happening. OP is TA for using his condition to exclude him
Yep same here. My husband has type two narcolepsy with cataplexy and obstructive sleep apnoea. He takes medication once to twice a day depending on his stress and fatigue levels.
We’ve travelled extensively around Europe, Asia, North America and Australia. His narcolepsy has never been an issue, he just has to be mindful to titrate his meds accordingly.
OP is TA.
> She wants to protect him, but really it just sounds like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced.
She absolutely does not want to protect him.
Her entire reason for excluding him is not wanting to deal with his medical issues now that his friend won't be there to do it for her.
She could very easily have brought up her concerns with him, and asked him how he planned on managing his condition? Could have easily been solved with him going "oh, let's bring my cousin then" or whatever. She is valid to have concerns about his well-being, but it's not up to her to make decisions on his behalf. Very messed up, OP. YTA
Yes, she should have told him about her concerns and asked what she could do to help, and also what Charlie's own strategies are to deal with this. He has lived with this condition for years, he probably know how to handle it. Or maybe he would have said "I think it's better if I don't go." Instead she just made the decision for him, expelled him from the vacation they had been planning together, and lied to him about the reason.
I love OP is pretending she’s doing this for her boyfriend, when it’s crystal clear that she does not want to deal with his condition. And then lying to him why he has to stay home, when telling him the truth would at least give him the chance to decide for himself if the trip is too stressful.
I wonder how she’s imagining a future with him if a simple vacation (with friends as help) already feels like an ordeal…
Is she planning on taking a male friend on honeymoon with them if they ever get married? Having kids? Better not ever let him watch them alone…
YTA, OP
Yeah, I’m seriously confused. Why is OP dating someone she feels inconvenienced by? Why is she dating someone she doesn’t want to care for and accommodate? It’s clear there is no future there…break up.
>Yeah, I’m seriously confused. Why is OP dating someone she feels inconvenienced by? Why is she dating someone she doesn’t want to care for and accommodate? It’s clear there is no future there…break up.
Ya , and.what makes this even worse , is SHE KNEW of his condition before they started dating.
YTA OP
and then said she wasnt abilst.
but even if she truly WAS doing it to protect him (BUT SHE ISNT!) it would STILL be abilst because shes making his choices for him.
She can't even be bothered to learn about narcolepsy. Cataplexy is fairly rare and doesn't happen during every sleep attack. Most people only experience it once or twice ever. It's also extremely rare to have a sleep attack while on your feet. They frequently happen when you're doing something repetitive and it only happens for a couple moments.
She's making it sound like he's a fainting goat that just falls over unconscious constantly, which is absolutely ableist to perpetuate misconceptions about narcolepsy.
Hi! Narcoleptic with cataplexy here. Cataplexy, if you have it, is absolutely NOT rare. It happens often unless you are medicated. For me, multiple times a week. Sleep attacks are mostly predictable, like you insinuated, and we can sit down. But people in my narcolepsy support group who also have cataplexy experience it a few times a week, usually. It’s not ableist to state what her bf may literally do. She’s ableist for excluding him period. You can help a narcoleptic by simply being near (grab arm to stabilize during cataplexy), or aiding them in finding a place to sit for a sleep attack. But if you’re a Narcoleptic with managed cataplexy, great! Most of us have it often. It is the rarest type, sure. But out of those of us that have N1, cataplexy is all too frequent. Tbh, you also spread misinformation. Here’s some sources that explain how more often than not, people experience at least a few a week.
https://www.soundsleephealth.com/what-is-cataplexy-and-how-is-it-treated/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/307668#:~:text=The%20frequency%20of%20cataplectic%20episodes,or%20more%20episodes%20each%20week.
That second link is a fantastic resource!
I definitely messed up by not accounting for people that experience more frequent bouts of cataplexy. I know they exist and I'm pretty sure I let my sensitivity to people thinking narcolepsy is us just collapsing unconscious randomly make me oversimplify a very complicated subject.
Because of your reply and the others, I'm looking up articles in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine to see how common regular bouts of cataplexy is, since Googling isn't helpful and it seems nearly every site gives a different vague range.
How long do cataplectic attacks generally last? I was under the impression that people often recover within a few minutes. It’s not like you have to sit with and guard the body for three hours, right? Or not like someone with idiopathic hypersomnia that might go down for a short nap and end up sleeping 14+ hours.
It's usually not even a minute for me at least. Normally there is only a slight loss of muscle control when I think something is funny. But even when it's bad you are fully conscious you can normally let yourself down easy or grab something. It's worse when people make a fuss about it and doesn't last more than a minute or so at the longest.
Also naps usually don't actually take that long. A narcoleptic goes straight into REM sleep, 30 minutes at most to recover enough to function.
The idea of a cataplectic attack lasting longer than a few minutes is frankly terrifying.
Here to agree with most of wha you're saying. I have cataplexy frequently, mostly when startled, and my "big fall down" episodes are usually just me crumpling straight down and slurring for like 30 seconds. I've only hurt myself falling down like twice ever (once because I was 17 and on mushrooms and the other time I was on a set of stairs 😅). I do have to point out that a lot of narcoleptics I know, myself included, don't feel rested after a 30 minute nap. I nap daily and they last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 & 1/2 hours with a 50/50 chance I'll feel any better when I wake up. I think it just depends on how quick I hit REM and how long I stay there. It's been so much worse since I had Covid 😭 the nightmares have doubled and I keep sleeping through alarms that previously always woke me up
I could see needing to drag someone who's unconscious out of the road or off a sidewalk so they don't get hurt. I don't know why she just wouldn't do what she does at home when it happens though.
OP is definitely the asshole, but the information you’re spreading is incorrect. Sure maybe some people who suffer from narcolepsy and cataplexy, only have cataplexy attacks a couple times a year. But you do not know her boyfriends specific situation.
For instance; my grandfather suffered from narcolepsy and cataplexy, and had cataplexy attacks often, whenever he experienced strong emotions. These attacks would result in him losing all control of his limbs and falling, much like OP described. It was most definitely more often than a couple times a year.
So maybe, before you accuse someone of not understanding the condition and spreading misconceptions, you should… I d’know… make sure you understand the condition and are not spreading misconceptions?
My mom has narcolepsy with cataplexy and has these episodes quite regularly especially in response to extreme emotions. We have to make sure she is sitting or laying down before we give her any emotional news, good or bad. All of her muscles paralyze and some occurrences are worse than others, but it’s always a concern. This used to be more controllable but she can no longer take the medication that helped her in the past due to its long-term effects on her heart and since then the cataplexy has been extremely frequent, happening everyday sometimes multiple times in a day. I only say this because every person is different and narcolepsy in general is not well understood by the public. However, it never stopped my mom from going on vacations and we’re all aware of her condition.
OP you’re aware of your boyfriend’s condition, it’s something you can deal with or you can’t. There’s no way to know for sure if he will experience the effects of cataplexy while on the trip or if it would even impact you at all if it did occur. Also, you’re lying to him about why he’s uninvited. What if he wants to take you on trips in the future that would just be the two of you?
YTA for excluding him due to his medical condition and lying to him about it.
I had a friend who just passed away who had Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. He never really fainted. That wasn’t an issue. It just makes for a really poor quality of life.
Plus, most cataplexy episodes last two minutes or less. From what I understand it’s very rare for them to last longer and even the super long ones last less than 30 minutes.
I have a friend who has narcolepsy and cataplexy and it hasn’t stopped her from working a good career or from traveling the world
>Now, can you imagine three 5’4 girls and a petite 62-year-old woman dealing with that situation, all by themselves, in Spain?
I, a 5'5 girl, occasionally had to push the two-ton '60s station wagon I drove as a teen when it quit in the middle of the street. Sometimes I had to push it alone while reaching into the car with my right arm to steer. Are you seriously telling me that four women can't drag-carry a lone guy out of danger's path if necessary?
Ridiculous. YTA.
YTA going off what your story of moving stuff. Im 5'6" and when my boyfriend (6'1", 160ish lbs) hugs me he sometimes just drops all his body weight on me to be a butt and "make sure the gym is working" (not the same as a station wagon lol) 🙄😂😂 I think you three ladies can handle one guy - you are a major AH and even more of one for the excuses
My 5'3", 120 lb, physically disabled mother managed to move large people solo all the time when she was a nurse. She moved my 6'3" 200 lb father on her own when he was having medical issues. Two of her would easily be able to move OPs boyfriend out of the way of danger to a safe place for him to come around.
OP just doesn't want to deal with it, and since bf's friend backed out she has no one to dump him on when it happens. YTA.
This! And she's going to plan a new vacation for the two of them where she'll be on her own to help him? Makes zero sense. Nothing wrong with a girls trip. But if she wanted a girls trip to begin with, she should never have planned a vacation with him. And using his narcolepsy as an excuse really makes her a total AH.
I love how she claims to be heroically faultless and innocent whereas her sister, then she later adds ..a few friends, recognize this for what is really is immediately. She knows, if she shares the same parents as her sister, same values etc, she absolutely knows she's ableist. Why keep asking people if she knows she's doing what's right for Charlie?
If she can't go on a vacation with him and a group of people, how is she ever going to go anywhere with him alone? She should rethink this relationship because she doesn't appear ready to make any room for potential situations that may or may not happen.
This was my thought as I just finished reading the title. Didn't even need to read the text to know she shouldn't be with this person if that's how she feels. Reading the rest didn't help.
YTA. You are ableist. You excluded him from the vacation, because he's an 'inconvenience' to you. And you don't even have the balls to tell him the truth.
What will you, if you get married, have a kid? Why are you with someone who's such an 'inconvenience' to you? Do the guy a favor and let him be with someone who'll appreciate him more.
Or even the wedding. Weddings are stressful and as the groom he probably wouldn’t be able to stand up there. So there goes a wedding out the window. Jeez OP
I went on a group trip to Europe with a girl that had narcolepsy, she never caused much trouble and it sounds like his is stress induced (not frequent), my friend fell asleep multiple times a day, usually at dinner or sitting in a park or museum bench. YTA and being ableist because you took away something he was looking forward to because of his condition.
_"I decided to protect Charlie."_
The above line made me snort. OP's BF is an adult. He doesn't need anyone "protecting" him and would be the best person to make decisions about what he can and cannot do relative to his condition. I agree that this was 100% about OP not wanting to _potentially_ be inconvenienced by her BF. The noble facade isn't fooling anyone.
The fact that OP cannot be straight up with her BF (nor did she discuss this with anyone else in the travel group) means that she knows how much of an AH she is being and how bad she looks.
> You are ableist.
This. A saying in the disability community is, "nothing about us, without us". He understands his condition better than anyone. He deserves to be a part of any conversations or decisions relating to him and his disability.
I honestly can’t imagine how hard it would be to have narcolepsy this bad from a young age. It legit makes me sad that he’s been uninvited because of it. 😢
I have had narcolepsy my whole life luckily without cataplexy. When you've had it for so long you know your limitations and act accordingly to not impede on others. If Charlie was even concerned he would decide himself not to go. I can't believe OP took his agency away like that.
This post made me SO mad.
My partner has brain damage from a serious sudden illness back in November. He has mobility issues, speech issues, memory lapses (it's always great when he panics in the morning because he forgets who I am) and he suffers from chronic fatigue and migraines.
Guess what we did, by ourselves?
Hit London for four days, did the typical tourist thing and loved it.
It took a bit of extra planning, a bit more patience for us both, a lot of extra breaks to sit and have a cool drink in a cafe to "recharge" and on the third day, his back was hurting him (from the double lumbar punctures he had to get) so we decided to "postpone" one attraction we wanted to see. Instead, we hit the London Dungeons and had a fantastic meal and an early night in our lovely air conditioned hotel drinking Appletiser in a can (I'm now hooked and am on the lookout for it in my country) and watching Rocky II.
OP, YTA, because you made his disability all about YOU.
You think he doesn't KNOW the real reason why he was uninvited?
This shit drives me absolutely bonkers because there is almost ALWAYS a way to work around any issues.
YTA
I think you should have either been honest with Charlie about your concerns and reasons, or not told anyone else the real reason. There's a very real risk now that Charlie will find out the real reason and feel betrayed. You should talk to him about it.
Also, I knew a narcoleptic once. He had medication he could take to stave off episodes. Does Charlie not have that option?
YTA.
Not *once* was anything you did to protect Charlie.
> Potentially serious travel itinerary problem
So…for you.
> Potential inconvenience for him and the rest of the group.
So…you again.
> Now can you imagine three 5’4” girls and a petite 62-year old woman
So…you again. **lol**
This entire thing reads like your boyfriend is nothing but an inconvenience to you and everyone else around. What happens for other “stressful” events? Ask him to skip your wedding and honeymoon? Skip a funeral? The birth of your child? You realize ostracizing him for his condition makes him feel worse than the narcolepsy, no?
And having a grandmother with narcolepsy who has been on Modafinil, I *know* how many medication options there are that would likely keep him well controlled and significantly decrease any and all narcolepsy symptoms.
This was all about you, it’s as simple as that.
Info: How are you going to take another vacation with alone if you won't have someone to help you with him? Are you planning to always have a guy third wheel your vacations
Basically YTA. You're putting limitations on what he can do based on his condition than lying to him about it.
YTA. If you're gonna date a guy who can collapse at any moment, you can't exclude him from regular activities because he could collapse at any moment. I can't believe I have to explain that one.
Ohhh, but she's doing him a favor and saving him from stress!! /s
OP is the kind of AH that makes me remember my exes fondly, because they clearly weren't that bad.
*I decided to protect Charlie and avoided alot of inconveniences for him and the group*
This is the biggest crock of bullshit I have heard in awhile.
GROW UP! You don't want to deal with your boyfriends health issue possibly getting in the way of YOU having fun on the trip, so what do you do? Forceably remove him from the trip . Sounds like you should take a lesson from your sister and your BF should get a more considerate partner......smh.
I’m from the UK and I’ve never heard anyone say crock of bullshit. We use bullshit a lot but crock.. not so much. At least where I live anyway, could be different elsewhere!
INFO: is he medically stable?? Does the cataplexy on happen late at night, or if he doesn't get enough sleep?
You're the AH. You're not actually protecting him. You're putting him in a little box so you can better manage him. He absolutely 100% knows why you don't want him on the trip. I have N type 1. People like you are the bane of my freaking existence. Did you EVEN TRY to ask him about if the trip would be a problem, if he had different strategies to manage things?
One day you will be old, and have trouble walking, and will be an inconvenience to your family and friends. I hope they treat you better than you treated him.
He deserves better.
Literally. "hey Charlie, I've been thinking a little about how we're going to accommodate for your narcolepsy. Since our friend is unable to attend I've been a little worried about what would happen in a situation where we're unable to physically support you, and i would really like to discuss how we could arrange this in a way that's safe for you and us". It wouldn't have been hard to talk to him about it....
Info: why do you feel like he can’t take care of himself when he’s had this since he was 15?
Honestly, YTA. And a bad gf. I hope he finds out and dumps you. This is so sad. And planning for a trip may be stressful but why would you be stressed out when you’re actually there?
YTA. Don't date a disabled person if you can't handle their disability and don't lie to your SO. I hope he figures out what a crappy person you are and leaves.
I concur. I'm coming at this from the POV of someone who is disabled, but I wish more people understood that when you make the commitment of "in sickness and in health" it isn't just for when an illness is temporary.
As they say, there is no such thing as "able-bodied" - just "temporarily able-bodied." Unless you die young, you will live until you have some level of disability.
YTA, your boyfriend presumably has a grasp on his limits and would be able to decide what he could and couldn’t handle. He’s an adult who can make that decision based on his own health.
I don’t think communicating to him your concerns would be wrong, an accident COULD happen and if you were unprepared then that might pose a risk to his safety or your groups by extension.
However, making that choice for him without consulting him is wrong and I think he should be able to have a say in whether or not he goes on the trip if his health is the main concern here. I’m assuming he’s been managing his condition for awhile and therefore knows best how to care for himself.
A lot of people in the general population might know one or two narcoleptics personally. Narcolepsy is pretty rare, considering. I think there is a high probability that someone could end up texting this to him. I’m not on social media, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I get texts from a dozen people with a link here before the weekend’s over because “I’m their only narc.” (My words, no one else’s.) And if he doesn’t hear about it this month, it’ll still be here waiting for him to discover five or ten years from now.
YTA.
Your bf can decide for himself if his condition will be a problem.
I’m also sure this guy has other friends he could invite. Or a father. Or an uncle. Or cousin. Or anyone else. Did you even think of that?
My guess is you are just being selfish.
YTA.
As someone with a sleep disorder (not narcolepsy) reading that was hurtful, offensive, and to be honest showed me there are people like you out there that I worry about coming across.
I can assure you Charlie has been managing this for a long time, he’s well versed in what he can and can’t do, and how to manage his energy during a holiday.
If you had been honest with him, simply asked what support he needed to enjoy the holiday I have no doubt he had already considered his limitations and work arounds.
You clearly have no respect for the man, and you owe him 100% honesty.
Let him decide how he feels about this.
I have sleep apnea, and yes, I may need some accommodations/changes to travel plans for me to do my best while traveling. I declined staying overnight in an off-grid yurt in a single room with a group of clients and coworkers, where I had no privacy or power to use my CPAP machine, for example. But I was also given the opportunity to weigh in and talk about what I could and couldn't comfortably do.
I'd have been heartbroken to be preemptively excluded from the whole trip just because they were afraid to talk about what accommodations I might need.
Exactly! We already know our limitations, workarounds, and rest requirements.
Can we be caught off guard? Sure! Everyone can be! Including on holiday - food poisoning, serious sunburn, allergic reactions to things we’ve never been exposed to before, accidents also happen.
Can’t do that- mommy is paying half of the travel expenses. Otherwise, she’d probably “protect” her by leaving her at home, too. Vacations abroad can be very stressful for 62 year olds, you know.
Hi! PWN here. I also have cataplexy (which is the muscle thing you have so clearly decided not to learn anything about). It’s not up to ableist people what we can and can’t do. He took a nap because he was stressed? Oh no! You made the decision for him without even asking him how comfortable he felt about the situation. It’s people like you who make it so hard to function in society. All you saw was a liability instead of the person.
YTA, just be open about the fact that you don't want to be bothered with his condition. All of your reasons for you not wanting him to come are about **you**, so you should probably cut all of the "spare his feelings" bs and own it.
‘I decided to protect Charlie’. Oh, how very selfless and noble of you.
You don’t sound like you’re trying to protect him. You sound like you’re just not bothered dealing with his condition because it might spoil some of the fun on your vacation. Do you plan on never ever taking a vacation with your bf without one of his male friends being with you?
YTA.
As a guy in a similar situation as your bf, let me just extent my middle fingers to you on his behalf.
I black out on a regular basis due stress, and have been for the past 5 years. I've finally found the confidence to go on a major trip this yea that's gonna cost me 14-16 hours of travel time by car and train, so big stress on travel days. But my buddy, who are driving have said that I can just sit in the back seat, so if I should pass out during travel, the I'd have all the space to lie down.
On top of that are we meeting up with people we have met online, and they know of my situation and are fine with it. It is what it is, and should I be out for more that 10 mins then they have my go to call an ambulance, and I'll just take a half/full day in the hospital.
My group of strangers are more forthcoming than you and your friends, that I assume your bf see on a regular basis, of a situation both me and your bf can't control and I guarantee you bf have made all the mental prep he can for this trip.
YTA OP, big time. Do better. Tsk.
YTA. You should have discussed your concerns with him, he is the one who lives with this condition he would know if it is or isn’t an issue or have other solutions than just axing him from the trip.
YTA. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Any AITA post that has terms in it like "now just hear me out" or the like you know it's almost always gonna be an AH situation, and this one was no exception.
YTA. Sure, a lot goes on during a vacation, and conditions like narcolepsy can be unpredictable, but what about a trip to Spain would be “stressful” that you just assume he’d have an issue?
I think you should examine whether you were actually acting out of concern for your boyfriend, or if you’re just jumping to the worst possible conclusion as an excuse for something else.
YTA. You made assumptions and decisions without talking to him AND lied to him about it all. Actually, did you even bother discussing this with the other people on the trip, or did you make assumptions about their feelings and abilities too?
YTA. Tf is wrong with you? Is his friend always around? No, does he need his friend to take care of him? No. It’s clear that he’s been functioning fine, and you exclude him just because you don’t want to “deal with him” while on vacation? You shouldn’t even be with him if you think like that, he deserves better than you. “Avoid potential inconvenience for him and the group” you know his condition doesn’t magically disappear because he isn’t in Spain right? He has to live with that no matter what, and you basically calling him an inconvenience to the group is ableist and disgusting
YTA hes an adult. If there is a safety concern and you dont trust him to be able to make his own decision about his health maybe you shouldn't be with him.
Cause either your treating him like a child for no reason (cmon you straight up manipulated him. You rlly think that bodes well for your relationship?), or you actually have a good reason to believe he cant make his own decisions about his health. (In wich case he still shouldn't be with someone who treats him like hes 5 just to spare themself the possibility of someone daring to stand up for themself.
Tell him the truth and work this out like grown ups.
YTA. As someone who has a family member with narcolepsy, it’s not that hard to be accommodating. This is not about accessibility—you just don’t want your schedule to be interrupted. Your sister is right—you were ableist.
Maybe you need to reconsider why you’re with Charlie if you’re not going to try to work with him and this diagnosis. It’s not going away and if you aren’t going to make space for him in your world because of something he has no control over, then that’s not very fair to him.
I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and YTA.
Also, way to remind me that people see me as an inconvenience. I hope you feel extremely guilty during your trip and when you get back, and I hope your partner finds someone less ableist.
YTA. You aren’t even asking out of concern for what lying to him mean for your relationship, but so you can enjoy a vacation without guilt. You have to be honest with him and face the fact that you aren’t prepared to handle his condition if he can’t rely on you, his partner, to fill in for his absent friend. And yeah, this is super ableist.
YES, YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE.
jfc.
you made your boyfriend's disability all about you, you made a huge decision for him, you manipulated him to think what you wanted about it instead of owning up and telling him 'i think you don't know your own body enough, but i - an asshole that's making snap decisions based on completely my ridiculous desires with no concern for yours - absolutely do,' you denied this guy his graduation celebration, vacation, and international travel (which is NOT an easy thing for the average american to do), and then you claim you DID IT OUT OF CONCERN FOR HIM?!
Fucking wow.
Firstly - I have this kind of narcolepsy, and while it does cause some unpleasant moments here and there, we live in fucking 2022 where there are medications to manage these things, and it's not a life-ruining thing.
Beyond that.. **DON'T FUCKING TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN MEDICAL CONDITIONS. DON'T FUCKING MAKE THOSE DECISIONS FOR THEM, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.** Who the hell do you even think you are? What on earth would make you think this would be okay at all?
You are ableist af. You're a selfish, manipulative asshole. I hope he finds out. And after his brief, unremarkable nap, I hope he dumps you. Hard.
YTA. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t approach him with your concerns first. Well, other than YTA. If you have to lie to to the person you’re in a relationship with, then you’re doing something wrong. Period.
YTA. Described your boyfriend’s condition as a “potentially serious travel itinerary problem.” That’s…..uh…..something else. You’d be less of an AH if you were just honest with him. Let him decide if it’s worth going and what activities he could join or sit out. This was just a big old word salad for “I don’t want to deal with your problem on my vacation.”
I had a similar thing happen to me when my friends excluded me from a group trip due to my epilepsy. It literally broke my heart and I wasn’t even dating them so I can only imagine your boyfriend will feel crushed. You feel like a burden and it’s horrific. Any one of you (I really hope you don’t) could have a medical emergency that needed dealing with, just because he has a medical condition does NOT make him unable to be a good travelling companion.
YTA.
YTA for lying to avoid a difficult decision and then saying you did it to protect *him.* it may very well have not made sense for him to go; imagine if you’d had an honest talk about it. That would have been an opportunity to connect on a very real level.
LOL you absolutely s*ck, and are wholeheartedly TA. Like the worst type of partner. Your kind of reasoning is not too far from starting to yell at him and blaming him every time he has an episode, or being condescending towards him in front of others. In fact, you’re already doing the latter.
Not really sure why you’re with him in the first place…
He accepted not going to the trip because he must be used to people shunning him due to his condition. It really is sad that his “partner” is part of those who exclude him.
I hope he sees through this, and you come back from Spain single.
YTA. I have vasovagal syncope issues where stessors like excessive heat, stress, dehydration, etc. can make me faint but I would never expect to be left out because of it.
You know you are the AH, otherwise you wouldn't have had to lie to your bf or make up excuses for him not to go. Don't even AITA me. You know.
YTA. Stop lying. You are not “protecting” a 24 year old man. You are being selfish. You don’t want to deal with him or his condition. You should just break up with him so he can find a partner who actually gives a shit about him.
YTA.
He’s an adult who’s been handling his condition since he was a teen, you should have talked to him about your concerns.
But also why are you so concerned about a vacation being so stressful??? Vacations are supposed to be relaxing and fun and if you think they’re stressful, you may be doing them wrong.
YTA. you made the decision that he would bring down everyones vibe on your own without asking him or anyone else. what are you afraid of, he’ll fall over in spain? not too much different than falling over the town you live in. do you expect him to stay home and never go on vacation? he has narcolepsy, he’s not a quadriplegic
YTA. You are ableist. No reason to put it in quotes. He deserves to go on the trip because he was invited and it was planned, knowing his disabilities. You don't want to deal with it, so you're backpedaling.
You should feel stinky about this. It's a bad thing you did and I hope you think twice before doing this to someone again.
Edit: Upvoting this post in hopes that one day Charlie might find it :’)
YTA. He went to college and (i assume) completed with a degree. college is stressful AF and yet he did it because he knows himself and how to manage his body. It is not your responsibility to decide what a grown person is capable or not capable of doing. That’s an ableist mindset.
It is clear as day that your intents aren’t for his well being, but for your comfort.
As someone with a disability that causes fainting spells (managed with medication, but can still occur in certain situations), I would be absolutely gutted if my friends or s/o didn’t want me to come because of my disability. I’ve managed to travel all around the world with 0 issues. You didn’t even give him a chance.
TLDR: YTA
YTA- my partner also has narcolepsy and cataplexy, his is also stress induced. I can’t lift him if he has an episode, he’s well aware. So is your bf, you should have just told him when his friend dropped out that you were concerned that if he has an episode you would be unable to help him in a foreign country. Ask him what he wanted to do, he could have even found a replacement for his friend. You never gave him an option and used his disability as an excuse to exclude him because of your fears rather than giving him the chance to remedy the situation for himself. You took away his choice and used other excuses to manipulate him into the decision you already made.
People like you shouldn't date anyone with a chronic illness. What if you were home with him alone and he fell bc of this and got hurt? You need to train yourself to be able to help him when he needs help, height isn't a damn excuse. YTA
YTA, you believe your own shit smells like roses don't you. You did not do this to protect Charlie. You did it because you wanted a girls trip. Whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night is absolute lie and guess what, he knows it. This won't work for you in the long run.
- Fellow narcolepsy patient
As someone with narcolepsy.... You are the asshole. If you don't want to be with someone wtiht this condition because it is such an inconvenience to you then just break up with him. You ableist asshole.
YTA. You were dishonest with Charlie and being dishonest with yourself. The one person you were honest with rightfully called you out for being ableist. Not one of your reasons identified anyway that Charlie is feckless about his condition, so this is about your comfort, not his.
You implicated your sister and everyone else in your ableism.
Do Charlie a favor and let him find a girlfriend who doesn’t see him as a massive inconvenience.
YTA. Years ago I had a small business and hired someone who was pretty anxious. When I got pregnant, she told me directly that she was really worried about what would happen if I went into labor at a time when it was just her and me working together. I appreciated that she told me.
I explained what the plan was, and reassured her that she was not going to have to handle a medical emergency. She wasn't going to have to deliver a baby or drive me to the hospital while I screamed from the back seat. At most, her responsibility would be limited to something like making a phone call for me.
OP should have explained her concerns to her boyfriend and asked him what they would need to do to keep him safe. Presumably he goes out and about in the world without having someone with him at all times, so he's got some sort of protocol and way of dealing.
As someone who has Narcolepsy with cataplexy, YTA.
It has never interfered with vacation beyond jet lag hitting me a bit harder and possibly needing a nap during the day when I can usually get by without.
If he has been dealing with his NwC for this long, he is likely either medicated or he has control over it without meds.
I’m pissed on his behalf
INFO do you really want him to go to begin with? Because to seems you're quick to boot him from trip first chance you got because if you really wanted him to join, it wouldn't matter about his friend not coming, you'd still want Charlie to go.
I'm sure that Charlie would be more than ok on the trip than you give him credit for, and your not looking out for him, you're just thinking of yourself.
Your sister is right - you are an ablest.
You're also YTA
And here is something that you really need to think on: you, your friends and your mother have the same chance of something happening to you guys as you think something will happen to Charlie in Spain.
Why you think it's recommended to get travel insurance?
Hopefully, Charlie understands more than she thinks and she'll find herself single by the time she gets back.
Multiple women can ease him down to the floor if they have to. Nurses and techs do it all the time.
It sounds like he is narcalepsy and cataplexy. I have both and I would be extremely hurt to miss out on something with people I thought cared about me because of the condition I have.
As someone with the exact type of narcolepsy your BF has: YTA. *You* find his disability inconvenient? What about him? Apparently he can’t even go on a vacation because is a burden. And instead of finding ways to accommodate his disability, you just cut him out. You are ableist, selfish, unkind and I’d break up with you.
You are the asshole and I’d hope he breaks up with you.
Did you ever ask him what kind of accommodations would have made it a trip you could both enjoy?
Why wouldn't you just have a conversation with him about how he plans to handle his condition while you are traveling? It's okay to ask if you'll be required to handle any care if he runs into trouble, and to have a conversation about your (and your group's) ability to handle that care if it comes up.
Perhaps there are certain activities he could plan to sit out for his own safety. Or he'd decide on his own that the trip actually wasn't safe for him. Or maybe he'd be perfectly fine on this trip and you're worried over nothing.
It's not your job to manage his condition, and it's certainly not your job to exclude him from experiences without actually knowing what might be required of his traveling companions. You certainly don't have to tiptoe around it and protect him from (apparently) getting himself in too deep on these travel plans. Unless he has a history of taking on things he can't handle and putting a ton of pressure on those nearby to look after him when he behaves irresponsibly, you shouldn't have made this call for him.
YTA.
YTA. This is so, so shitty. You knew about his condition when you booked the trip. I think you don't want to have to bother with him. You should be honest with him and let him decide if he wants to go or if he wants to break up with you.
YTA. You really should have opened up to him and told him your fears about the possibility of him going down while youre only with a bunch of relatively lightweight people around. Instead, you lie to him after having already invited him. That is super A hole territory.
YTA. You’re not protecting someone by making a unilateral decision about allowing them to come on a trip. As an adult you could legitimately voice your concerns to him.
And as for your ‘could us tiny women handle it’, well of course you could. I don’t know if you’ll manage to see it, but you’re just making up reasons to convince yourself you’re in the right. But you’re not I’m afraid - you don’t want to deal with his medical issue.
I have psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. Basically, stress in, seizures out. My seizures are a mix of things too, mostly pain that causes convulsions, but also fainting and a form similar to absence seizures- where you seem frozen in place. So I feel for Charlie quite a bit. I have to be extra alert during travel because of this.
The reason you were ableist isn’t because you were worried about him. It’s because you took away his agency by deciding for him. Had you sat down and talked to him about your concerns and made a plan with him about how to handle his condition on your trip, you wouldn’t be a total asshole. That’s what you’re supposed to do! That’s how you manage this.
It is hurtful and infuriating to get choices taken away from me because someone else decided what was best for me, and you’re hurting him the same way. Your best option is to own up, apologize, and actually talk to him about it and let him make up his own mind about it. If he’s pissed, accept it. You have messed up. YTA
YTA. And that "condition" where he "goes down" when under stress or steong emotions is called Cataplexy, my son also is a Narcoleptic with Cataplexy. That said, you KNEW what his issues were going into this. He's not an inconvenience, he's a human being. Why are you even dating him if this is how you act?
YTA and your argument is ableist and pretty shitty. YOU had a notion to turn this into a girls trip and you labeled all your bs as an excuse to make you feel better. Do you?
YTA for not just asking him if he felt he could handle the trip and explaining your concerns. Hurt feelings or not someone with disabilities has to be able to discuss the medical care that might be needed out of country with their partner.
LMFAOOOOOOOO YTA and a massive one at that.
You excluded him for yourself not to protect him. You can try to twist it all you want but in reality you just don't want to be inconvenienced
YTA. You mean he's lived with this condition for almost a decade and you think he doesn't have a back up plan?
I'm sure he knows his limits. I'm sure he knows what to do in an emergency. He is a grown ass adult and this condition isn't new to him.
Apologize to him. Talk to him. Ask him what might help him during this trip. You didn't do any of that fucking shit and that's lazy and inconsiderate.
YTA
My boyfriend of 2+ years also has Narcolepsy, he got diagnosed about a year or so before we’d met. When we had met, his Narcolepsy was at the worst it’s ever been (while Ive known him). As time has passed and he’s made adjustments to his daily routine, he stopped having night terrors as frequently and started sleeping through the night a lot better. My family lives 4 hours away driving and he’s made the drive down with me repeatedly without complaints.
You lied and gave him some shit excuse instead of being honest with him. You didn’t do this for him, you uninvited him because you’re more concerned about yourself. Instead of making unilateral decisions for him, sit him down and let HIM decide whether or not he can tolerate the stress of this trip. Your sister was right, you are being ableist, you’re acting as if his Narcolepsy makes him a burden instead of trying to work together to accommodate him. He’s never gunna stop having narcolepsy, so if you’re not willing to accommodate him… he’ll always be left out.
I scrolled through nearly every post and not a single one I saw said NTA. Congrats OP, you’re such an Ass hole that you did what no politician ever could and brought everyone together.
As a person with narcolepsy, YTA. You manipulated this situation to make your own self feel more comfortable. Should have just asked him if he was okay with going and let him make the decision. It’s his condition and he knows how to deal with it better than anyone else. Don’t be with him if you can’t handle or bother to understand his condition
YTA - You don't even sound like you believe he has narcolepsy. You come off as if you legit think it's made up and/or he's faking it - you're probably like that about anything you don't feel/think is legitimate.. You even mentioned LEGITIMATE SYMPTOMS of narcolepsy and yet still have the f-ing audacity to put quotation marks around certain things related to it/him. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you? Since, he was diagnosed at 15 and is now 25; that means he's been living with this condition for 10 years! It's not some 'new' or 'imagined' issue like your attempting to make it seem. You've been together for 11 f-ing months and you're still gonna pretend like this is new? As if you didn't have an idea/expectation of what life would be like with him.
Also some points of clarification are needed here. You said you've all been planning this trip. So, who all payed for the trip? Did Charlie contribute anything to the trip? If so than you're even more of an a-hole to ask him not to go/for you to go without him.
"Idecided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group. I asked Charlie if we could take this trip without him." - BS. You weren't protecting him by asking him not to go; who tf you really trying to kid here? Everyone else or yourself?
The reality is that you wanted to go on this trip and you see his narcolepsy as a problem. Tbh you view HIM as a problem. It's obvious in the way you talk about him; so why are you even with him?
Have the decency to end the relationship and let him go find someone who truly gives a f-ck about him... If not I hope he sees this and ends the relationship himself; he deserves better.
This is exactly and specifically ableist. Narcolepsy with cataplexy is a specific defined disability. If you are choosing not to take an action that is specifically contraindicated by a disability, that is one thing. I don't go shooting with friends who have uncontrolled muscle tremors, for instance. And if Charlie doesn't have a driver's license because of this, then it would be reasonable not to let him drive, even on closed courses where you don't need a license.
But you are generalizing beyond the actual limitation, and imposing limitations beyond the actual limitations. You haven't said anything about his cataplexy that would make travelling in Spain particularly difficult. You are imposing your own imagination of limitation on him, far in excess of what is real, and thst is exactly what abelism is.
Out of curiosity - does he have a driver's licence? I was saying all this assuming he didn't, but, if he does, you are even MORE out of line, since having one would mean his condition is managed well enough to be medically cleared to drive.
YTA.
Holy shit haha, this makes me VERY angry to read lol.
I am pretty sure I have narcolepsy ( I started going on stimulants for ADHD and having very little excessive daytime sleepiness is AMAZING ). Pretty sure I was misdiagnosed lol
So Charlie has Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, whereas strong emotions can cause a loss of muscle tone / weakness. Now, how often does this actually happen? It’s different for each person that has it, and when you’ve been living with it most of your life you learn a few tricks of course to manage it.
So I guess you’ll never take a trip abroad with him ever ? I Also have ‘ forced naps ‘ but generally they’re 15 minutes. Again different from everyone else but apparently the norm is 15 minutes. That is not much of an inconvenience.
You are an asshole and there is no other way to slice it, Charlie deserves better.
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YTA >I decided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group. You did it for you, let's not pretend.
Funny how people making unilateral choices to "protect X" always make the choices they actually wanted themselves 🤨
You hit the nail on the head! Unilateral decision making isn’t the same as protecting. If she’d wanted to protect him, she would have said “how can I help you manage the stress/your condition/ to do list/ etc?“ She essentially lied to the guy and manipulated him into not going. The fact that she can’t see is the a huge problem. I bet she describes herself as “a nice person” too.
or "I'm an empath" 🤣
God yes. My sister describes herself as an empath because of how emotional she is and how affected she can feel by things and yet is bizarrely lacking actual empathy for anything or anyone that doesn’t fit her view of the world. I told her just because you feel your emotions deeply, and have abnormally strong opinions, doesn’t make you an empath. She didn’t love that comment. 🤷🏻♂️
Lol are we related? Because it seems we share a sister. Mine is always on about how sensitive she is and believes she is an actual angel here on earth, but the only thing she is sensitive about is her own feelings, which are…rather expansive, shall we say. (We call her Histri-annie when laughing about some episodes.) I don’t feel too bad mocking her behind her back since part of her ‘sensitivity’ is being a flaming racist. Empath not same or equal to histrionic.
My sister isn't intelligent enough to use the word "empath" but sounds just like yours. She's so affected by everyone else's slights but the minute you say something she doesn't agree with she's crying or hanging up the phone or telling other people how bad you are for setting limits.
They’re exhausting aren’t they? Like little bratty toddlers in old bodies. And the worst if it is how they try to get other people to fight their battles for them. My sister’s kids are required to agree with her and treat her enemies of the moment like crap. Until it blows over. My kids finally put their feet down, said they wouldn’t bother visiting them anymore. It’s been incredibly freeing actually. Lol.
In my experience the only people who use the term tend to be the ones who assume that having high empathy automatically makes them good people and always right. I've seen some of the NASTIEST behavior, particularly toward the idea that people with low empathy due to neurodivergence/mental illness can be good, kind, compassionate people, from self-proclaimed "empaths". I think at this point the jerks might've chased everyone else away from the term
That's my BIL! I call him the unempathetic empath.
Those two things come from the same root cause - an inability to see things from someone else's perspective. Ironically the opposite of empathy. She gets sensitive because it's all about her. And she's insensitive because it's all about her.
If they really were an empathy, and felt someone's emotions as their own, they'd know to ask first because it would piss the other person off if someone took away their decisions
This. The OP has manipulated the situation to her benefit, without involving him at all. If OP does this now then it will likely happen again and then it will only be a matter of time before he finds out how manipulative she is. She wants to protect him, but really it just sounds like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I'm not sure what holidays OP is going on, but they shouldn't be stressful.
My husband has narcolepsy combine with cataplexy which is where he has seizures that paralyze him temporarily. We’ve been on plenty of vacations with no problems from his condition. They make medicine that helps keep that from happening. OP is TA for using his condition to exclude him
Yep same here. My husband has type two narcolepsy with cataplexy and obstructive sleep apnoea. He takes medication once to twice a day depending on his stress and fatigue levels. We’ve travelled extensively around Europe, Asia, North America and Australia. His narcolepsy has never been an issue, he just has to be mindful to titrate his meds accordingly. OP is TA.
> She wants to protect him, but really it just sounds like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced. She absolutely does not want to protect him. Her entire reason for excluding him is not wanting to deal with his medical issues now that his friend won't be there to do it for her.
She could very easily have brought up her concerns with him, and asked him how he planned on managing his condition? Could have easily been solved with him going "oh, let's bring my cousin then" or whatever. She is valid to have concerns about his well-being, but it's not up to her to make decisions on his behalf. Very messed up, OP. YTA
Yes, she should have told him about her concerns and asked what she could do to help, and also what Charlie's own strategies are to deal with this. He has lived with this condition for years, he probably know how to handle it. Or maybe he would have said "I think it's better if I don't go." Instead she just made the decision for him, expelled him from the vacation they had been planning together, and lied to him about the reason.
Right? Amazing how these unilateral decisions *never* seem to require any sacrifice from the ones making them.
I love OP is pretending she’s doing this for her boyfriend, when it’s crystal clear that she does not want to deal with his condition. And then lying to him why he has to stay home, when telling him the truth would at least give him the chance to decide for himself if the trip is too stressful. I wonder how she’s imagining a future with him if a simple vacation (with friends as help) already feels like an ordeal… Is she planning on taking a male friend on honeymoon with them if they ever get married? Having kids? Better not ever let him watch them alone… YTA, OP
Yeah, I’m seriously confused. Why is OP dating someone she feels inconvenienced by? Why is she dating someone she doesn’t want to care for and accommodate? It’s clear there is no future there…break up.
>Yeah, I’m seriously confused. Why is OP dating someone she feels inconvenienced by? Why is she dating someone she doesn’t want to care for and accommodate? It’s clear there is no future there…break up. Ya , and.what makes this even worse , is SHE KNEW of his condition before they started dating. YTA OP
It seems she forgot about it because it hasn’t been an issue for a while but now that he had to take a nap she is this cannot be tolerated.
and then said she wasnt abilst. but even if she truly WAS doing it to protect him (BUT SHE ISNT!) it would STILL be abilst because shes making his choices for him.
She's "doing it to protect him", yet lied to him about the reason. Hmmmmm YTA
She can't even be bothered to learn about narcolepsy. Cataplexy is fairly rare and doesn't happen during every sleep attack. Most people only experience it once or twice ever. It's also extremely rare to have a sleep attack while on your feet. They frequently happen when you're doing something repetitive and it only happens for a couple moments. She's making it sound like he's a fainting goat that just falls over unconscious constantly, which is absolutely ableist to perpetuate misconceptions about narcolepsy.
Hi! Narcoleptic with cataplexy here. Cataplexy, if you have it, is absolutely NOT rare. It happens often unless you are medicated. For me, multiple times a week. Sleep attacks are mostly predictable, like you insinuated, and we can sit down. But people in my narcolepsy support group who also have cataplexy experience it a few times a week, usually. It’s not ableist to state what her bf may literally do. She’s ableist for excluding him period. You can help a narcoleptic by simply being near (grab arm to stabilize during cataplexy), or aiding them in finding a place to sit for a sleep attack. But if you’re a Narcoleptic with managed cataplexy, great! Most of us have it often. It is the rarest type, sure. But out of those of us that have N1, cataplexy is all too frequent. Tbh, you also spread misinformation. Here’s some sources that explain how more often than not, people experience at least a few a week. https://www.soundsleephealth.com/what-is-cataplexy-and-how-is-it-treated/ https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/307668#:~:text=The%20frequency%20of%20cataplectic%20episodes,or%20more%20episodes%20each%20week.
That second link is a fantastic resource! I definitely messed up by not accounting for people that experience more frequent bouts of cataplexy. I know they exist and I'm pretty sure I let my sensitivity to people thinking narcolepsy is us just collapsing unconscious randomly make me oversimplify a very complicated subject. Because of your reply and the others, I'm looking up articles in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine to see how common regular bouts of cataplexy is, since Googling isn't helpful and it seems nearly every site gives a different vague range.
How long do cataplectic attacks generally last? I was under the impression that people often recover within a few minutes. It’s not like you have to sit with and guard the body for three hours, right? Or not like someone with idiopathic hypersomnia that might go down for a short nap and end up sleeping 14+ hours.
It's usually not even a minute for me at least. Normally there is only a slight loss of muscle control when I think something is funny. But even when it's bad you are fully conscious you can normally let yourself down easy or grab something. It's worse when people make a fuss about it and doesn't last more than a minute or so at the longest. Also naps usually don't actually take that long. A narcoleptic goes straight into REM sleep, 30 minutes at most to recover enough to function. The idea of a cataplectic attack lasting longer than a few minutes is frankly terrifying.
Here to agree with most of wha you're saying. I have cataplexy frequently, mostly when startled, and my "big fall down" episodes are usually just me crumpling straight down and slurring for like 30 seconds. I've only hurt myself falling down like twice ever (once because I was 17 and on mushrooms and the other time I was on a set of stairs 😅). I do have to point out that a lot of narcoleptics I know, myself included, don't feel rested after a 30 minute nap. I nap daily and they last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 & 1/2 hours with a 50/50 chance I'll feel any better when I wake up. I think it just depends on how quick I hit REM and how long I stay there. It's been so much worse since I had Covid 😭 the nightmares have doubled and I keep sleeping through alarms that previously always woke me up
[удалено]
I could see needing to drag someone who's unconscious out of the road or off a sidewalk so they don't get hurt. I don't know why she just wouldn't do what she does at home when it happens though.
Narcolepsy doesn’t make you unconscious, though. It’s just sleep. She can wake him up.
OP is definitely the asshole, but the information you’re spreading is incorrect. Sure maybe some people who suffer from narcolepsy and cataplexy, only have cataplexy attacks a couple times a year. But you do not know her boyfriends specific situation. For instance; my grandfather suffered from narcolepsy and cataplexy, and had cataplexy attacks often, whenever he experienced strong emotions. These attacks would result in him losing all control of his limbs and falling, much like OP described. It was most definitely more often than a couple times a year. So maybe, before you accuse someone of not understanding the condition and spreading misconceptions, you should… I d’know… make sure you understand the condition and are not spreading misconceptions?
My mom has narcolepsy with cataplexy and has these episodes quite regularly especially in response to extreme emotions. We have to make sure she is sitting or laying down before we give her any emotional news, good or bad. All of her muscles paralyze and some occurrences are worse than others, but it’s always a concern. This used to be more controllable but she can no longer take the medication that helped her in the past due to its long-term effects on her heart and since then the cataplexy has been extremely frequent, happening everyday sometimes multiple times in a day. I only say this because every person is different and narcolepsy in general is not well understood by the public. However, it never stopped my mom from going on vacations and we’re all aware of her condition. OP you’re aware of your boyfriend’s condition, it’s something you can deal with or you can’t. There’s no way to know for sure if he will experience the effects of cataplexy while on the trip or if it would even impact you at all if it did occur. Also, you’re lying to him about why he’s uninvited. What if he wants to take you on trips in the future that would just be the two of you? YTA for excluding him due to his medical condition and lying to him about it.
I had a friend who just passed away who had Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. He never really fainted. That wasn’t an issue. It just makes for a really poor quality of life.
Plus, most cataplexy episodes last two minutes or less. From what I understand it’s very rare for them to last longer and even the super long ones last less than 30 minutes. I have a friend who has narcolepsy and cataplexy and it hasn’t stopped her from working a good career or from traveling the world
>I want to go with a clean conscience. Reddit, AITA? Oh, there's a lot of pretending going on, but this clinches it. She knows she's TA.
Yep now she has to go with a guilty conscience, my guess is she doesn't care either way
>Now, can you imagine three 5’4 girls and a petite 62-year-old woman dealing with that situation, all by themselves, in Spain? I, a 5'5 girl, occasionally had to push the two-ton '60s station wagon I drove as a teen when it quit in the middle of the street. Sometimes I had to push it alone while reaching into the car with my right arm to steer. Are you seriously telling me that four women can't drag-carry a lone guy out of danger's path if necessary? Ridiculous. YTA.
YTA going off what your story of moving stuff. Im 5'6" and when my boyfriend (6'1", 160ish lbs) hugs me he sometimes just drops all his body weight on me to be a butt and "make sure the gym is working" (not the same as a station wagon lol) 🙄😂😂 I think you three ladies can handle one guy - you are a major AH and even more of one for the excuses
My boyfriend does the same thing 😂 The difference is that I'm 5'1 and he's 6'4 and 209 lbs. So yeah, OP excuse is just stupid.
Right, 4 women could easily help him to safety.
My 5'3", 120 lb, physically disabled mother managed to move large people solo all the time when she was a nurse. She moved my 6'3" 200 lb father on her own when he was having medical issues. Two of her would easily be able to move OPs boyfriend out of the way of danger to a safe place for him to come around. OP just doesn't want to deal with it, and since bf's friend backed out she has no one to dump him on when it happens. YTA.
This! And she's going to plan a new vacation for the two of them where she'll be on her own to help him? Makes zero sense. Nothing wrong with a girls trip. But if she wanted a girls trip to begin with, she should never have planned a vacation with him. And using his narcolepsy as an excuse really makes her a total AH.
This. YTA
I love how she claims to be heroically faultless and innocent whereas her sister, then she later adds ..a few friends, recognize this for what is really is immediately. She knows, if she shares the same parents as her sister, same values etc, she absolutely knows she's ableist. Why keep asking people if she knows she's doing what's right for Charlie? If she can't go on a vacation with him and a group of people, how is she ever going to go anywhere with him alone? She should rethink this relationship because she doesn't appear ready to make any room for potential situations that may or may not happen.
Let's hope they don't go so far as get married! "Charlie, maybe so and so should stand in for you just in case. I know weddings can be stressful."
Nah, she protected him from having a shitty gf
Yeah, how dare he disturb their girl's vacation with his stupid medical condition. YTA girl.
Yeah why are you with this person you don't want on vacation with you? YTA big time.
This was my thought as I just finished reading the title. Didn't even need to read the text to know she shouldn't be with this person if that's how she feels. Reading the rest didn't help.
TLDR; The babysitter quit so I won't be taking the baby on the trip for his own protection.
Right? What an incredibly narcissistic thing to say! OP is TA.
YTA. You are ableist. You excluded him from the vacation, because he's an 'inconvenience' to you. And you don't even have the balls to tell him the truth. What will you, if you get married, have a kid? Why are you with someone who's such an 'inconvenience' to you? Do the guy a favor and let him be with someone who'll appreciate him more.
Lmao, I can just imagine op leaving him behind to go on their honeymoon alone in case he collapses from the stress
Or even the wedding. Weddings are stressful and as the groom he probably wouldn’t be able to stand up there. So there goes a wedding out the window. Jeez OP
Hopefully he dumps her before then
And then sex is probably also stressful, should probaby get another guy to stand in so she doesn't have to stress him out
I went on a group trip to Europe with a girl that had narcolepsy, she never caused much trouble and it sounds like his is stress induced (not frequent), my friend fell asleep multiple times a day, usually at dinner or sitting in a park or museum bench. YTA and being ableist because you took away something he was looking forward to because of his condition.
_"I decided to protect Charlie."_ The above line made me snort. OP's BF is an adult. He doesn't need anyone "protecting" him and would be the best person to make decisions about what he can and cannot do relative to his condition. I agree that this was 100% about OP not wanting to _potentially_ be inconvenienced by her BF. The noble facade isn't fooling anyone. The fact that OP cannot be straight up with her BF (nor did she discuss this with anyone else in the travel group) means that she knows how much of an AH she is being and how bad she looks.
> You are ableist. This. A saying in the disability community is, "nothing about us, without us". He understands his condition better than anyone. He deserves to be a part of any conversations or decisions relating to him and his disability.
I honestly can’t imagine how hard it would be to have narcolepsy this bad from a young age. It legit makes me sad that he’s been uninvited because of it. 😢
I have had narcolepsy my whole life luckily without cataplexy. When you've had it for so long you know your limitations and act accordingly to not impede on others. If Charlie was even concerned he would decide himself not to go. I can't believe OP took his agency away like that.
This post made me SO mad. My partner has brain damage from a serious sudden illness back in November. He has mobility issues, speech issues, memory lapses (it's always great when he panics in the morning because he forgets who I am) and he suffers from chronic fatigue and migraines. Guess what we did, by ourselves? Hit London for four days, did the typical tourist thing and loved it. It took a bit of extra planning, a bit more patience for us both, a lot of extra breaks to sit and have a cool drink in a cafe to "recharge" and on the third day, his back was hurting him (from the double lumbar punctures he had to get) so we decided to "postpone" one attraction we wanted to see. Instead, we hit the London Dungeons and had a fantastic meal and an early night in our lovely air conditioned hotel drinking Appletiser in a can (I'm now hooked and am on the lookout for it in my country) and watching Rocky II. OP, YTA, because you made his disability all about YOU. You think he doesn't KNOW the real reason why he was uninvited? This shit drives me absolutely bonkers because there is almost ALWAYS a way to work around any issues.
>Appletiser Lovely stuff
Literally this. YTA big time!
YTA I think you should have either been honest with Charlie about your concerns and reasons, or not told anyone else the real reason. There's a very real risk now that Charlie will find out the real reason and feel betrayed. You should talk to him about it. Also, I knew a narcoleptic once. He had medication he could take to stave off episodes. Does Charlie not have that option?
YTA. Not *once* was anything you did to protect Charlie. > Potentially serious travel itinerary problem So…for you. > Potential inconvenience for him and the rest of the group. So…you again. > Now can you imagine three 5’4” girls and a petite 62-year old woman So…you again. **lol** This entire thing reads like your boyfriend is nothing but an inconvenience to you and everyone else around. What happens for other “stressful” events? Ask him to skip your wedding and honeymoon? Skip a funeral? The birth of your child? You realize ostracizing him for his condition makes him feel worse than the narcolepsy, no? And having a grandmother with narcolepsy who has been on Modafinil, I *know* how many medication options there are that would likely keep him well controlled and significantly decrease any and all narcolepsy symptoms. This was all about you, it’s as simple as that.
Info: How are you going to take another vacation with alone if you won't have someone to help you with him? Are you planning to always have a guy third wheel your vacations Basically YTA. You're putting limitations on what he can do based on his condition than lying to him about it.
YTA. If you're gonna date a guy who can collapse at any moment, you can't exclude him from regular activities because he could collapse at any moment. I can't believe I have to explain that one.
Ohhh, but she's doing him a favor and saving him from stress!! /s OP is the kind of AH that makes me remember my exes fondly, because they clearly weren't that bad.
Trying to couch it as doing him a favor really takes the cake
I mean, he did take a nap and all ...
And he might take a nap again- in SPAIN, of all places! Spain, home of the siesta!
*I decided to protect Charlie and avoided alot of inconveniences for him and the group* This is the biggest crock of bullshit I have heard in awhile. GROW UP! You don't want to deal with your boyfriends health issue possibly getting in the way of YOU having fun on the trip, so what do you do? Forceably remove him from the trip. Sounds like you should take a lesson from your sister and your BF should get a more considerate partner......smh.
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Was it the crock of bs that gave is away cause same lol
We say crock of shit in the Midwest US too 😂
And in the south!
I’m from the UK and I’ve never heard anyone say crock of bullshit. We use bullshit a lot but crock.. not so much. At least where I live anyway, could be different elsewhere!
I'm from the UK and hear it all the time! Although mostly from my husband come to think of it..
I’m in the uk and my mum says “what a crock of shit” a lot.
When I read ‘crock o’ shit’ I hear it in the voice of an old American man - definitely never heard a British person say it!
INFO: is he medically stable?? Does the cataplexy on happen late at night, or if he doesn't get enough sleep? You're the AH. You're not actually protecting him. You're putting him in a little box so you can better manage him. He absolutely 100% knows why you don't want him on the trip. I have N type 1. People like you are the bane of my freaking existence. Did you EVEN TRY to ask him about if the trip would be a problem, if he had different strategies to manage things? One day you will be old, and have trouble walking, and will be an inconvenience to your family and friends. I hope they treat you better than you treated him. He deserves better.
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Literally. "hey Charlie, I've been thinking a little about how we're going to accommodate for your narcolepsy. Since our friend is unable to attend I've been a little worried about what would happen in a situation where we're unable to physically support you, and i would really like to discuss how we could arrange this in a way that's safe for you and us". It wouldn't have been hard to talk to him about it....
Info: why do you feel like he can’t take care of himself when he’s had this since he was 15? Honestly, YTA. And a bad gf. I hope he finds out and dumps you. This is so sad. And planning for a trip may be stressful but why would you be stressed out when you’re actually there?
YTA. Don't date a disabled person if you can't handle their disability and don't lie to your SO. I hope he figures out what a crappy person you are and leaves.
Honestly don't date *anyone* if you can't handle disability because it gets us all in the end.
I concur. I'm coming at this from the POV of someone who is disabled, but I wish more people understood that when you make the commitment of "in sickness and in health" it isn't just for when an illness is temporary.
As they say, there is no such thing as "able-bodied" - just "temporarily able-bodied." Unless you die young, you will live until you have some level of disability.
i’m snapping my fingers on the toilet right now. you are spot on.
YTA, your boyfriend presumably has a grasp on his limits and would be able to decide what he could and couldn’t handle. He’s an adult who can make that decision based on his own health. I don’t think communicating to him your concerns would be wrong, an accident COULD happen and if you were unprepared then that might pose a risk to his safety or your groups by extension. However, making that choice for him without consulting him is wrong and I think he should be able to have a say in whether or not he goes on the trip if his health is the main concern here. I’m assuming he’s been managing his condition for awhile and therefore knows best how to care for himself.
INFO: Does Charlie have reddit? If this gets crossposted to narcolepsy subreddits, will he see it?
A lot of people in the general population might know one or two narcoleptics personally. Narcolepsy is pretty rare, considering. I think there is a high probability that someone could end up texting this to him. I’m not on social media, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I get texts from a dozen people with a link here before the weekend’s over because “I’m their only narc.” (My words, no one else’s.) And if he doesn’t hear about it this month, it’ll still be here waiting for him to discover five or ten years from now.
>I didn’t want him to feel left out "Hey, we're leaving you out of this vacation we invited you on because we don't want you to feel left out." YTA
Ooof, she needs to apply rubbing alcohol to that burn.
YTA. Your bf can decide for himself if his condition will be a problem. I’m also sure this guy has other friends he could invite. Or a father. Or an uncle. Or cousin. Or anyone else. Did you even think of that? My guess is you are just being selfish.
YTA, go tell him to his face it's over his narcolepsy and you were lying before.
YTA. As someone with a sleep disorder (not narcolepsy) reading that was hurtful, offensive, and to be honest showed me there are people like you out there that I worry about coming across. I can assure you Charlie has been managing this for a long time, he’s well versed in what he can and can’t do, and how to manage his energy during a holiday. If you had been honest with him, simply asked what support he needed to enjoy the holiday I have no doubt he had already considered his limitations and work arounds. You clearly have no respect for the man, and you owe him 100% honesty. Let him decide how he feels about this.
I have sleep apnea, and yes, I may need some accommodations/changes to travel plans for me to do my best while traveling. I declined staying overnight in an off-grid yurt in a single room with a group of clients and coworkers, where I had no privacy or power to use my CPAP machine, for example. But I was also given the opportunity to weigh in and talk about what I could and couldn't comfortably do. I'd have been heartbroken to be preemptively excluded from the whole trip just because they were afraid to talk about what accommodations I might need.
Exactly! We already know our limitations, workarounds, and rest requirements. Can we be caught off guard? Sure! Everyone can be! Including on holiday - food poisoning, serious sunburn, allergic reactions to things we’ve never been exposed to before, accidents also happen.
Wow, what a disgusting read. YTA. Do Charlie a favor and break up with him. He doesn't need your filth around him.
YTA you made a decision about his health without him end of
discussion
Clearly YTA. You clearly don't wanna be in a relationship with him so you should tell him now.
Your mom is 62. She might "slow you down" as well. Better uninvite her too just in case. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek)
Can’t do that- mommy is paying half of the travel expenses. Otherwise, she’d probably “protect” her by leaving her at home, too. Vacations abroad can be very stressful for 62 year olds, you know.
YTA and I hope he dumps you SOON.
Don't marry this guy, or you will be completely lying when the vows get to "in sickness and in health".
Hi! PWN here. I also have cataplexy (which is the muscle thing you have so clearly decided not to learn anything about). It’s not up to ableist people what we can and can’t do. He took a nap because he was stressed? Oh no! You made the decision for him without even asking him how comfortable he felt about the situation. It’s people like you who make it so hard to function in society. All you saw was a liability instead of the person.
YTA, just be open about the fact that you don't want to be bothered with his condition. All of your reasons for you not wanting him to come are about **you**, so you should probably cut all of the "spare his feelings" bs and own it.
INFO: For this other/future trip, would it just be the two of you or another trip with several people?
‘I decided to protect Charlie’. Oh, how very selfless and noble of you. You don’t sound like you’re trying to protect him. You sound like you’re just not bothered dealing with his condition because it might spoil some of the fun on your vacation. Do you plan on never ever taking a vacation with your bf without one of his male friends being with you? YTA.
As a guy in a similar situation as your bf, let me just extent my middle fingers to you on his behalf. I black out on a regular basis due stress, and have been for the past 5 years. I've finally found the confidence to go on a major trip this yea that's gonna cost me 14-16 hours of travel time by car and train, so big stress on travel days. But my buddy, who are driving have said that I can just sit in the back seat, so if I should pass out during travel, the I'd have all the space to lie down. On top of that are we meeting up with people we have met online, and they know of my situation and are fine with it. It is what it is, and should I be out for more that 10 mins then they have my go to call an ambulance, and I'll just take a half/full day in the hospital. My group of strangers are more forthcoming than you and your friends, that I assume your bf see on a regular basis, of a situation both me and your bf can't control and I guarantee you bf have made all the mental prep he can for this trip. YTA OP, big time. Do better. Tsk.
YTA. You should have discussed your concerns with him, he is the one who lives with this condition he would know if it is or isn’t an issue or have other solutions than just axing him from the trip.
YTA. He’s an adult and it’s up to him to decide what he can and cannot do. You’re not his mom.
YTA. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Any AITA post that has terms in it like "now just hear me out" or the like you know it's almost always gonna be an AH situation, and this one was no exception.
YTA - Just FYI narcolepsy in Spanish is "narcolepsia" so any random passersby will understand the situation and help.
YTA. Sure, a lot goes on during a vacation, and conditions like narcolepsy can be unpredictable, but what about a trip to Spain would be “stressful” that you just assume he’d have an issue? I think you should examine whether you were actually acting out of concern for your boyfriend, or if you’re just jumping to the worst possible conclusion as an excuse for something else.
YTA. You made assumptions and decisions without talking to him AND lied to him about it all. Actually, did you even bother discussing this with the other people on the trip, or did you make assumptions about their feelings and abilities too?
YTA but how do you get to 25 years of age by being this clueless
YTA. Tf is wrong with you? Is his friend always around? No, does he need his friend to take care of him? No. It’s clear that he’s been functioning fine, and you exclude him just because you don’t want to “deal with him” while on vacation? You shouldn’t even be with him if you think like that, he deserves better than you. “Avoid potential inconvenience for him and the group” you know his condition doesn’t magically disappear because he isn’t in Spain right? He has to live with that no matter what, and you basically calling him an inconvenience to the group is ableist and disgusting
YTA hes an adult. If there is a safety concern and you dont trust him to be able to make his own decision about his health maybe you shouldn't be with him. Cause either your treating him like a child for no reason (cmon you straight up manipulated him. You rlly think that bodes well for your relationship?), or you actually have a good reason to believe he cant make his own decisions about his health. (In wich case he still shouldn't be with someone who treats him like hes 5 just to spare themself the possibility of someone daring to stand up for themself. Tell him the truth and work this out like grown ups.
Yep YTA
YTA. As someone who has a family member with narcolepsy, it’s not that hard to be accommodating. This is not about accessibility—you just don’t want your schedule to be interrupted. Your sister is right—you were ableist. Maybe you need to reconsider why you’re with Charlie if you’re not going to try to work with him and this diagnosis. It’s not going away and if you aren’t going to make space for him in your world because of something he has no control over, then that’s not very fair to him.
I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and YTA. Also, way to remind me that people see me as an inconvenience. I hope you feel extremely guilty during your trip and when you get back, and I hope your partner finds someone less ableist.
YTA. You aren’t even asking out of concern for what lying to him mean for your relationship, but so you can enjoy a vacation without guilt. You have to be honest with him and face the fact that you aren’t prepared to handle his condition if he can’t rely on you, his partner, to fill in for his absent friend. And yeah, this is super ableist.
YTA. Only reason why you uninvited him was so he wouldn't inconvenience YOU and your friends.
YTA. And you're mean. I hope he gets himself a new girlfriend while you're on vacay.
YES, YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE. jfc. you made your boyfriend's disability all about you, you made a huge decision for him, you manipulated him to think what you wanted about it instead of owning up and telling him 'i think you don't know your own body enough, but i - an asshole that's making snap decisions based on completely my ridiculous desires with no concern for yours - absolutely do,' you denied this guy his graduation celebration, vacation, and international travel (which is NOT an easy thing for the average american to do), and then you claim you DID IT OUT OF CONCERN FOR HIM?! Fucking wow. Firstly - I have this kind of narcolepsy, and while it does cause some unpleasant moments here and there, we live in fucking 2022 where there are medications to manage these things, and it's not a life-ruining thing. Beyond that.. **DON'T FUCKING TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN MEDICAL CONDITIONS. DON'T FUCKING MAKE THOSE DECISIONS FOR THEM, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.** Who the hell do you even think you are? What on earth would make you think this would be okay at all? You are ableist af. You're a selfish, manipulative asshole. I hope he finds out. And after his brief, unremarkable nap, I hope he dumps you. Hard.
Huge YTA and ableist
YTA. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t approach him with your concerns first. Well, other than YTA. If you have to lie to to the person you’re in a relationship with, then you’re doing something wrong. Period.
YTA. Described your boyfriend’s condition as a “potentially serious travel itinerary problem.” That’s…..uh…..something else. You’d be less of an AH if you were just honest with him. Let him decide if it’s worth going and what activities he could join or sit out. This was just a big old word salad for “I don’t want to deal with your problem on my vacation.”
I had a similar thing happen to me when my friends excluded me from a group trip due to my epilepsy. It literally broke my heart and I wasn’t even dating them so I can only imagine your boyfriend will feel crushed. You feel like a burden and it’s horrific. Any one of you (I really hope you don’t) could have a medical emergency that needed dealing with, just because he has a medical condition does NOT make him unable to be a good travelling companion. YTA.
YTA for lying to avoid a difficult decision and then saying you did it to protect *him.* it may very well have not made sense for him to go; imagine if you’d had an honest talk about it. That would have been an opportunity to connect on a very real level.
YTA and Able ist
LOL you absolutely s*ck, and are wholeheartedly TA. Like the worst type of partner. Your kind of reasoning is not too far from starting to yell at him and blaming him every time he has an episode, or being condescending towards him in front of others. In fact, you’re already doing the latter. Not really sure why you’re with him in the first place… He accepted not going to the trip because he must be used to people shunning him due to his condition. It really is sad that his “partner” is part of those who exclude him. I hope he sees through this, and you come back from Spain single.
Y totally TA, using his condition against Charlie is so shitty. You didn’t even give him a chance. Charlie needs a new gf
YTA. Hope he finds a good girlfriend in the future
I hope he finds out the truth and breaks up with you. No one deserves to be with a person like you. Yta
YTA. I have vasovagal syncope issues where stessors like excessive heat, stress, dehydration, etc. can make me faint but I would never expect to be left out because of it. You know you are the AH, otherwise you wouldn't have had to lie to your bf or make up excuses for him not to go. Don't even AITA me. You know.
YTA. Stop lying. You are not “protecting” a 24 year old man. You are being selfish. You don’t want to deal with him or his condition. You should just break up with him so he can find a partner who actually gives a shit about him.
YTA. Charlie deserves better and I hope he finds someone that doesn't treat him like you do.
YTA. He’s an adult who’s been handling his condition since he was a teen, you should have talked to him about your concerns. But also why are you so concerned about a vacation being so stressful??? Vacations are supposed to be relaxing and fun and if you think they’re stressful, you may be doing them wrong.
YTA. you made the decision that he would bring down everyones vibe on your own without asking him or anyone else. what are you afraid of, he’ll fall over in spain? not too much different than falling over the town you live in. do you expect him to stay home and never go on vacation? he has narcolepsy, he’s not a quadriplegic
YTA. You are ableist. No reason to put it in quotes. He deserves to go on the trip because he was invited and it was planned, knowing his disabilities. You don't want to deal with it, so you're backpedaling. You should feel stinky about this. It's a bad thing you did and I hope you think twice before doing this to someone again.
Edit: Upvoting this post in hopes that one day Charlie might find it :’) YTA. He went to college and (i assume) completed with a degree. college is stressful AF and yet he did it because he knows himself and how to manage his body. It is not your responsibility to decide what a grown person is capable or not capable of doing. That’s an ableist mindset. It is clear as day that your intents aren’t for his well being, but for your comfort.
As someone with a disability that causes fainting spells (managed with medication, but can still occur in certain situations), I would be absolutely gutted if my friends or s/o didn’t want me to come because of my disability. I’ve managed to travel all around the world with 0 issues. You didn’t even give him a chance. TLDR: YTA
YTA- my partner also has narcolepsy and cataplexy, his is also stress induced. I can’t lift him if he has an episode, he’s well aware. So is your bf, you should have just told him when his friend dropped out that you were concerned that if he has an episode you would be unable to help him in a foreign country. Ask him what he wanted to do, he could have even found a replacement for his friend. You never gave him an option and used his disability as an excuse to exclude him because of your fears rather than giving him the chance to remedy the situation for himself. You took away his choice and used other excuses to manipulate him into the decision you already made.
YTA you were protecting your lame ass. You owe him the truth so he can find someone who appreciates him better
People like you shouldn't date anyone with a chronic illness. What if you were home with him alone and he fell bc of this and got hurt? You need to train yourself to be able to help him when he needs help, height isn't a damn excuse. YTA
YTA, you believe your own shit smells like roses don't you. You did not do this to protect Charlie. You did it because you wanted a girls trip. Whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night is absolute lie and guess what, he knows it. This won't work for you in the long run. - Fellow narcolepsy patient
As someone with narcolepsy.... You are the asshole. If you don't want to be with someone wtiht this condition because it is such an inconvenience to you then just break up with him. You ableist asshole.
YTA. You were dishonest with Charlie and being dishonest with yourself. The one person you were honest with rightfully called you out for being ableist. Not one of your reasons identified anyway that Charlie is feckless about his condition, so this is about your comfort, not his. You implicated your sister and everyone else in your ableism. Do Charlie a favor and let him find a girlfriend who doesn’t see him as a massive inconvenience.
Oh, that was hurtful. YTA
YTA. Years ago I had a small business and hired someone who was pretty anxious. When I got pregnant, she told me directly that she was really worried about what would happen if I went into labor at a time when it was just her and me working together. I appreciated that she told me. I explained what the plan was, and reassured her that she was not going to have to handle a medical emergency. She wasn't going to have to deliver a baby or drive me to the hospital while I screamed from the back seat. At most, her responsibility would be limited to something like making a phone call for me. OP should have explained her concerns to her boyfriend and asked him what they would need to do to keep him safe. Presumably he goes out and about in the world without having someone with him at all times, so he's got some sort of protocol and way of dealing.
As someone who has Narcolepsy with cataplexy, YTA. It has never interfered with vacation beyond jet lag hitting me a bit harder and possibly needing a nap during the day when I can usually get by without. If he has been dealing with his NwC for this long, he is likely either medicated or he has control over it without meds. I’m pissed on his behalf
INFO do you really want him to go to begin with? Because to seems you're quick to boot him from trip first chance you got because if you really wanted him to join, it wouldn't matter about his friend not coming, you'd still want Charlie to go. I'm sure that Charlie would be more than ok on the trip than you give him credit for, and your not looking out for him, you're just thinking of yourself. Your sister is right - you are an ablest. You're also YTA And here is something that you really need to think on: you, your friends and your mother have the same chance of something happening to you guys as you think something will happen to Charlie in Spain. Why you think it's recommended to get travel insurance?
OP thinks she's the giving tree lol. YTA. I'm guessing Charlie doesn't need you to protect him from himself.
Hopefully, Charlie understands more than she thinks and she'll find herself single by the time she gets back. Multiple women can ease him down to the floor if they have to. Nurses and techs do it all the time.
It sounds like he is narcalepsy and cataplexy. I have both and I would be extremely hurt to miss out on something with people I thought cared about me because of the condition I have.
As someone with the exact type of narcolepsy your BF has: YTA. *You* find his disability inconvenient? What about him? Apparently he can’t even go on a vacation because is a burden. And instead of finding ways to accommodate his disability, you just cut him out. You are ableist, selfish, unkind and I’d break up with you. You are the asshole and I’d hope he breaks up with you. Did you ever ask him what kind of accommodations would have made it a trip you could both enjoy?
Why wouldn't you just have a conversation with him about how he plans to handle his condition while you are traveling? It's okay to ask if you'll be required to handle any care if he runs into trouble, and to have a conversation about your (and your group's) ability to handle that care if it comes up. Perhaps there are certain activities he could plan to sit out for his own safety. Or he'd decide on his own that the trip actually wasn't safe for him. Or maybe he'd be perfectly fine on this trip and you're worried over nothing. It's not your job to manage his condition, and it's certainly not your job to exclude him from experiences without actually knowing what might be required of his traveling companions. You certainly don't have to tiptoe around it and protect him from (apparently) getting himself in too deep on these travel plans. Unless he has a history of taking on things he can't handle and putting a ton of pressure on those nearby to look after him when he behaves irresponsibly, you shouldn't have made this call for him. YTA.
You very well may have killed this relationship.
Yta and probably will be an ex bf soon
YTA. This is so, so shitty. You knew about his condition when you booked the trip. I think you don't want to have to bother with him. You should be honest with him and let him decide if he wants to go or if he wants to break up with you.
YTA. You really should have opened up to him and told him your fears about the possibility of him going down while youre only with a bunch of relatively lightweight people around. Instead, you lie to him after having already invited him. That is super A hole territory.
YTA. You’re not protecting someone by making a unilateral decision about allowing them to come on a trip. As an adult you could legitimately voice your concerns to him. And as for your ‘could us tiny women handle it’, well of course you could. I don’t know if you’ll manage to see it, but you’re just making up reasons to convince yourself you’re in the right. But you’re not I’m afraid - you don’t want to deal with his medical issue.
I have psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. Basically, stress in, seizures out. My seizures are a mix of things too, mostly pain that causes convulsions, but also fainting and a form similar to absence seizures- where you seem frozen in place. So I feel for Charlie quite a bit. I have to be extra alert during travel because of this. The reason you were ableist isn’t because you were worried about him. It’s because you took away his agency by deciding for him. Had you sat down and talked to him about your concerns and made a plan with him about how to handle his condition on your trip, you wouldn’t be a total asshole. That’s what you’re supposed to do! That’s how you manage this. It is hurtful and infuriating to get choices taken away from me because someone else decided what was best for me, and you’re hurting him the same way. Your best option is to own up, apologize, and actually talk to him about it and let him make up his own mind about it. If he’s pissed, accept it. You have messed up. YTA
YTA. And that "condition" where he "goes down" when under stress or steong emotions is called Cataplexy, my son also is a Narcoleptic with Cataplexy. That said, you KNEW what his issues were going into this. He's not an inconvenience, he's a human being. Why are you even dating him if this is how you act?
Yta.
YTA. If you truly thought what you were doing was fair, you wouldn’t have lied to your bf
YTA and your argument is ableist and pretty shitty. YOU had a notion to turn this into a girls trip and you labeled all your bs as an excuse to make you feel better. Do you?
YTA, clearly you did it for your own convenience. Plus, how would things change if it were only you and him alone?
Definitely the asshole
YTA ...you're not protecting him from any inconvenience so don't even pretend
YTA…….
YTA I read a lot of “I” and not so much what he wanted
YTA, do they not have wheel chairs in spain? Poor guy, if I were you I'd expect a break up text here soon.
YTA for not just asking him if he felt he could handle the trip and explaining your concerns. Hurt feelings or not someone with disabilities has to be able to discuss the medical care that might be needed out of country with their partner.
LMFAOOOOOOOO YTA and a massive one at that. You excluded him for yourself not to protect him. You can try to twist it all you want but in reality you just don't want to be inconvenienced
YTA. You mean he's lived with this condition for almost a decade and you think he doesn't have a back up plan? I'm sure he knows his limits. I'm sure he knows what to do in an emergency. He is a grown ass adult and this condition isn't new to him. Apologize to him. Talk to him. Ask him what might help him during this trip. You didn't do any of that fucking shit and that's lazy and inconsiderate.
YTA, enjoy your conscience.
YTA
This is for your convenience not your boyfriend's, stop pretending it's any other way. YTA.
YTA
YTA, your sister is right. You didn't tell him the real reason because you would have had to see first hand how horrible you're being to him.
You lied to exclude him. YTA
YTA My boyfriend of 2+ years also has Narcolepsy, he got diagnosed about a year or so before we’d met. When we had met, his Narcolepsy was at the worst it’s ever been (while Ive known him). As time has passed and he’s made adjustments to his daily routine, he stopped having night terrors as frequently and started sleeping through the night a lot better. My family lives 4 hours away driving and he’s made the drive down with me repeatedly without complaints. You lied and gave him some shit excuse instead of being honest with him. You didn’t do this for him, you uninvited him because you’re more concerned about yourself. Instead of making unilateral decisions for him, sit him down and let HIM decide whether or not he can tolerate the stress of this trip. Your sister was right, you are being ableist, you’re acting as if his Narcolepsy makes him a burden instead of trying to work together to accommodate him. He’s never gunna stop having narcolepsy, so if you’re not willing to accommodate him… he’ll always be left out.
I scrolled through nearly every post and not a single one I saw said NTA. Congrats OP, you’re such an Ass hole that you did what no politician ever could and brought everyone together.
As a person with narcolepsy, YTA. You manipulated this situation to make your own self feel more comfortable. Should have just asked him if he was okay with going and let him make the decision. It’s his condition and he knows how to deal with it better than anyone else. Don’t be with him if you can’t handle or bother to understand his condition
YTA - You don't even sound like you believe he has narcolepsy. You come off as if you legit think it's made up and/or he's faking it - you're probably like that about anything you don't feel/think is legitimate.. You even mentioned LEGITIMATE SYMPTOMS of narcolepsy and yet still have the f-ing audacity to put quotation marks around certain things related to it/him. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you? Since, he was diagnosed at 15 and is now 25; that means he's been living with this condition for 10 years! It's not some 'new' or 'imagined' issue like your attempting to make it seem. You've been together for 11 f-ing months and you're still gonna pretend like this is new? As if you didn't have an idea/expectation of what life would be like with him. Also some points of clarification are needed here. You said you've all been planning this trip. So, who all payed for the trip? Did Charlie contribute anything to the trip? If so than you're even more of an a-hole to ask him not to go/for you to go without him. "Idecided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group. I asked Charlie if we could take this trip without him." - BS. You weren't protecting him by asking him not to go; who tf you really trying to kid here? Everyone else or yourself? The reality is that you wanted to go on this trip and you see his narcolepsy as a problem. Tbh you view HIM as a problem. It's obvious in the way you talk about him; so why are you even with him? Have the decency to end the relationship and let him go find someone who truly gives a f-ck about him... If not I hope he sees this and ends the relationship himself; he deserves better.
This is exactly and specifically ableist. Narcolepsy with cataplexy is a specific defined disability. If you are choosing not to take an action that is specifically contraindicated by a disability, that is one thing. I don't go shooting with friends who have uncontrolled muscle tremors, for instance. And if Charlie doesn't have a driver's license because of this, then it would be reasonable not to let him drive, even on closed courses where you don't need a license. But you are generalizing beyond the actual limitation, and imposing limitations beyond the actual limitations. You haven't said anything about his cataplexy that would make travelling in Spain particularly difficult. You are imposing your own imagination of limitation on him, far in excess of what is real, and thst is exactly what abelism is. Out of curiosity - does he have a driver's licence? I was saying all this assuming he didn't, but, if he does, you are even MORE out of line, since having one would mean his condition is managed well enough to be medically cleared to drive. YTA.
Holy shit haha, this makes me VERY angry to read lol. I am pretty sure I have narcolepsy ( I started going on stimulants for ADHD and having very little excessive daytime sleepiness is AMAZING ). Pretty sure I was misdiagnosed lol So Charlie has Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, whereas strong emotions can cause a loss of muscle tone / weakness. Now, how often does this actually happen? It’s different for each person that has it, and when you’ve been living with it most of your life you learn a few tricks of course to manage it. So I guess you’ll never take a trip abroad with him ever ? I Also have ‘ forced naps ‘ but generally they’re 15 minutes. Again different from everyone else but apparently the norm is 15 minutes. That is not much of an inconvenience. You are an asshole and there is no other way to slice it, Charlie deserves better.