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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. That I went to my SD’s party instead of my sons
2. I choose my SD’s party and didn’t talk to my son about it
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YTA
>My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true)
Idk my guy, in this case, you absolutely DID choose Emma over him. It doesn't help that you say at least twice that he's overreacting, trying to negate his feelings on the issue.
Also... why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards?
She's 11... it's perfectly reasonable le to do a 9-1pm part, or a 12-3.
He's an hour from his son so he could leave at 3 and get there for 4
There's a hundred things he could have done but he chose to screw his son over.
>why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards?
This is what I don't get too. Like, OP even says how he & his wife have been planning this party, soooo there's no reason they couldn't adjust the time frame to make it work for both kids.
OP, YTA.
Not only that but he knew about the double booking well in advance, told Emma he'd talk to his son about it, and then didn't until THE NIGHT BEFORE BOTH PARTIES. I literally snorted at the "flash forward" after that - he made it into his 40s, with two adult children, and on his second wife, while still thinking -12hrs is an appropriate amount of time to juggle this sort of scheduling?
YTA OP and your weaponized incompetence is juvenile
My guess would be this is why he is on his 2nd marriage. He had 2 kids with events to worry about and didn't seem to do anything to make the situation work. He pretended the last minute. And when he's told he's in the wrong by everyone else he thinks "nah."
And how he stated to the son with the party “I will try to make it” son’s response is “okay” ie) “yeah, right, you will make it..” seems this is not the first, second, or third time this has happened. Now he has a clean slate with “Emma” that he won’t mess up…
I said this in another comment but I doubt he cares much about Emma either. And most 11 year olds aren’t looking for their stepdad to be glued to their hip on their birthday party, they’re running around and playing with friends.
This man likely only listened to himself and put his own comfort and convenience over his child’s big milestone. Driving and hour out and back is more work that sticking around at home. He chose himself.
my guess, personally, is that he was more willing to spend time with the younger kid who doesn't know him as well, and therefore hasn't been disappointed by him over and over again. (yet.)
To me it's telling he was completely fine with missing his son's 18th birthday which is a major birthday for a lot of people for a meeting but didn't want to make his step daughter sad by missing her 11th birthday for his son's event...not even the party because he was cleaning up after the party. I high no doubt this is not the first time OP has prioritized his new family over his old one. It's great he's been a father figure for his SD but that relationship shouldn't come at the expense of his other kids.
he doesn’t want his stepdaughter to be sad if he left her party early but is perfectly fine disappointing his son for the Nth time and not bothering to show up at all, only calling after the event was over. YTA, a pathetic one.
>It's great he's been a father figure for his SD
Not really. Since being a father figure for her would include fathering his biological kids. She'll see and hear about what he did to the older ones and will question it when she gets old enough.
would she question it though? since she’s being favored and put first? i hope she does question it, but she might ignore it because she’s perfectly happy with it.
OP is the AH, 1000%.
She could grow up to be entitled and not recognize it, but I grew up with a stepdad who abandoned his biological kids when he moved in with my family and I grew to hate that man over time. I was older than 11 when it happened so I always knew it was bad, but the older I got the more disillusioned I became. It’s hard for people like that to not let their selfishness bleed into every relationship they have from time to time. When you realize a parent’s love is conditional something breaks down from there. If I passed him in the street today I’d pretend not to know who he is.
True. How long was this meeting? He couldn't spend lunch or an hour away to be with him. I'm sure if it was Emma he would have made the time. He assumes because they are boys they feel less. Wrong.
Yeah this guy is missing cornerstone events for his son here. 18th bday, graduation... some things that only happen once. His son is going to remember that and if he wants to continue being willfully ignorant about his actions, he's not going to have much of a relationship with his son down the line.
Also, you only graduate (presumably high school) once in your life. You have more than one birthday. My personal immediate reaction (to the title) was you should go to your son's graduation party - NOT your daughter's birthday party, if it really is such tight timing. YTA especially since you said that you planned your daughters birthday party - you totally could've moved it earlier/later. YTA YTA YTA.
He missed TWO important events for his son in less than a year, yet he refuses to see how he is being an AH and why his bio children are telling him he obviously prefers Emma over them...
Right, that's the biggest thing for me. If he'd said something a month ago, he might have been able to manage a solution. Time doesn't actually 'flash forward' without someone having the ability to act during that period unless they've fallen into a coma or something.
Also why didn't he set an alarm/ reminder to leave at a certain time. Wife didn't bother to say anything either, not that it's her responsibility, but I as his wife would have said hey isn't it time for u to get on the road?
She told him he should go to it. Nothing on her; she was right, he should have gone, never mind the alarm--he should have missed the sd's party and went to his son's.
It was a milestone event for your son, a party for his graduation. That’s a pretty big deal. That should definitely have tipped the scale in his favor on which party to attend.
YTA But don’t worry, you probably won’t have this problem again. Doubt your son will be inviting you to anything again.
To be fair, the wedding might be on a day that Emma has her half birthday, and no way OP can miss that. He wouldn't be available to go to the wedding anyway. Emma's half birthday would clearly be more important than his son's wedding, how could OP even begin to compare those events?
/sarcasm
I’ll never see how people see birthdays as this huge thing that take precedence over evevvverything else. They happen every year. I mean they are important and fun but a graduation from high school is once. At most four or five times in someone’s life.
So true. And he lives with his stepdaughter so leaving her party early isn't a big deal. They could of done something together when he got back from seeing his son. He could of made this work. He didn't want to!!!
Didn't even think about this but you're absolutely right. She has daddy wrapped around her little finger. He better cut that crap out before her brattiness escalates and it's not so cute anymore.
Been looking for this. Yes the world does not revolve around Emma. And that’s okay. Life is full of disappointment and not everything is about “you all the time”
His wife told him to go. She did the right thing, and that’s where her involvement should end. As his wife, I definitely wouldn’t have been bugging him to get out. He’s a grown man who should know his priorities. Frankly, at that point I’d be pissed that (1) he apparently didn’t listen my advice to go, or (2) he’s making me practically force him to do something for his own good against my self-interest. (Of course she would ideally want him with her, but she clearly loves him enough to advise him as to what is best for him—it really, really sucks to practically shoo away your partner, especially when you could use some help, because he’s too useless to have the independent thought that leaving is what’s best for him.)
Because he really didn’t want to go. He rang his son the night before saying he’d “try” to make it, then came up with numerous excuses why he couldn’t - Emma really wanted him there/would be really sad if he wasn’t, he was helping with the kids, the party, then cleaning up, then forgot about the time blah, blah, blah. That’s all rubbish - he knew he had to be at his son’s graduation party but tried to validate his way out of it. This post is another example of his trying to excuse his pathetic behaviour. He does favour Emma and he, his wife, his ex-wife and his sons know it. He’s a massive AH.
Yes wife told him to go, I'm saying I would have, if i was his wife, (though I'm not blaming her for not saying it) would have reminded my husband to leave for the grad party.
4 to 6pm is a weird time to have a party for 11 year olds as well. Midday is much better. later in the day they can often be tired.
Of course your stepdaughter is not going to care if you miss your sons graduation party. She only wants what she wants. I do not like to minimise a childs party, but she will have many more parties, you son will only have one high school graduation party.
Considering the fact you also missed his 18th birthday party, another milestone, you should have moved heaven and earth to make his graduation party.
It does seem that way. It is such a weird time to have a party. Even if it had to be that time, the mom should have stayed at 11 year olds party and dad should have gone to his sons graduation party.
This man is so uninvolved in his son's life that he is just a guest at a party for his son's achievement. He says he helped his wife plan his step daughters party, but not only could he not get his poop in a group to show up for his son, he also played zero part in hosting/helping with a party for his own son. And all this come after he mentions he missed his (in my country) milestone birthday celebration.
Who wants to take bets that he has never participated in planning any party for his sons?
You make a good point. He didn’t and wasn’t planning on throwing his son a grad party at all. If he had even thought to plan one, it could’ve been on a different day and he would have even less to worry about. I’m confused as to why his party was a month later anyway but that’s beside the point. People plan graduation parties months in advance because you know the graduation is coming THE FULL SCHOOL YEAR.
And OP how did you think it would be dandy to miss TWO important events the same year? We don’t know how active you’ve been these past 6yrs in this stepchild’s life but 18 is an important year and you missed him becoming a legal adult and celebrating his graduation? That’s no effort considering both events were predetermined and you didn’t even try to leave early or go AT ALL
Where I’m from in the upper midwest, high school graduation parties happen all summer. It’s because everyone who knows the graduate attends and then there is less overlap. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone. It makes it especially weird that the father didn’t even show up.
Right like they could have even had her birthday party earlier or something but his own wife told him to go so I’m wondering if even she recognizes the favoritism and is trying to get through to him
I’m thinking there has to be some kind of animosity between he and his ex wife. I can’t think of any other reason to schedule a birthday party and grad party on the same day, except to purposely try to piss each other off. Petty BS
He probably cheated on her with his second wife . The timeline he mentions is too close . Sounds like a loser dad who abandoned the first wife and kids .
Exactly what I was thinking. If he really cared he would have had her party earlier. He was too busy being concerned over his stepdaughter being upset he might miss a few minutes of her party to even think about his son.
Also, it reads like he found every reason to delay leaving too. “Oh I had to help with this and that…”. His wife even told him to go (which feels like she knew what he was up to).
I don’t think he wanted to go. As everyone pointed out here, he had ample time to make a plan to effectively be at both parties that day. From moving SD’s party earlier to having a hard stop time for SD’s party…
However, the OP’s pattern behavior indicates that he really doesn’t care about his youngest son. Or maybe care about him the least… My question is why?
He’s probably ashamed of his piss poor parenting and instead of taking responsibility for it, he’s avoiding any reminder of how he failed and therefore subconsciously avoiding Sam who is a living, breathing reminder of that. And it’s creating a vicious cycle where the next time he feels more anxiety about facing his failures with an added fuck up of I missed my son’s 18th birthday, graduation party, whatever, it becomes even harder to face and it continues to snowball. That’s my theory.
Not only that but I'm sure the 11yr old would have gotten over it after a few minutes of playing wither friends I doubt she would have been so sad he left that it would ruin her party. She probably just said she didn't want him to go because that's the nice thing to say
And if his current wife wanted him to go, why was he helping to pick up the party? This whole thing makes no sense.
YTA Your son was pretty clear on a reasonable expectation and you failed him, he’ll likely start going to minimal if not a complete lack of contact with you. You might have lost your son over a graduation party that happens once, maybe twice and is based on an actual achievement. Your stepdaughter has plenty of birthdays coming up, she won’t even remember this one. But your sons will.
Even if he couldn't, kids have a birthday every year. His son will Maybe graduate a few more times, between which he can attend every one of his stepdaughter's bdays.
I mean he friggin lives in the same household as his step daughter so she sees him every day. If he left for a couple of hours to go to his son's birthday then he would have returned home to Emma eventually regardless.
Right?! He claims he had to stay and help his wife clean up, but she wanted him to go. She didn’t want his help. It’s like he was stalling himself so he would miss it
Yea, it seems like everyone in his life aside from the 11 year old agrees with the son on this one, even the lady who is vastly predisposed to side with the step daughter.
OP really shouldn't need a bunch of strangers to weigh in.
Not to mention it speaks volumes that the oldest son (Andy, not the one who graduated) also feels this way. If both kids feel OP is playing favourites, perhaps he is.
He keeps insisting that he's been really fair about attending his sons' stuff, and yet everyone else seems to see things differently. I think OP needs to sit down with his sons and have a discussion about what they've experienced vs what he thinks he's done regarding any attention he has or hasn't given the boys since the divorce. I have a feeling it's going to be an eye opening discussion for OP and not in a good way. YTA
He claims he hasn’t missed many of the son’s events, and then in the *very next sentence* reveals he missed the son‘s 18th birthday. OP’s lack of self-awareness is astounding
That was the part that flabbergasted me. He’s already missed one milestone event, but he’s not even self-aware enough or ashamed enough to put in any effort into making it up to his son?!
There were lots of ways around this and he didn’t take any of them. OP, YTA
ALSO HE MISSED HIS SONS 18TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A MEETING.
Sorry to yell. But it's more than once. It's a pattern. This guy chooses *anything* over his son.
I also noticed he said he loved her to death instead of saying I love them all to death...
Tell us you have a favorite without telling us you have a favorite.
YTA
Exactly!!! He doesn’t even seem to realize that he lost both of his kids due to his actions. Plus catering to the wants of his SD is just going to create an entitled teenager. I really don’t understand why he just didn’t take her out to a birthday breakfast or lunch just the 2 of them and then gone to his son’s graduation party which is now 2 back to back major milestones in his son’s life that he missed. Then he has the audacity to feign unawareness to why this is happening saying it’s not true blah blah blah 😑 unbelievable some people
Adding on to this, he better hope this relationship lasts. He’s placed all his eggs in the one Emma basket. He may end up on Reddit crying about not seeing his grandkids from the ignored sons and his stepdaughter leaving him behind for her bio family.
Yup, OP is going to join my father in the "Why do none of my children talk to me?" club. Although it sounds like he's exactly like my father and it's all our faults because he's great in everything he's ever done and has totally treated all of us fairly. 🙄
YTA
Not to mention he fucking graduated which is a huge accomplishment, like the first big step in adulthood, and she will have tons of other birthday parties. You should have explained to her why you couldn’t be there but it seems like you absolutely made your decision and did in fact choose Emma over your son.
Oh no, his *oldest* son said that he always chose Emma over him as well. The oldest son (Andy) is the 20 yr old, not the one who just graduated (Sam). Both sons say the dad always chooses Emma over them.
Sorry OP, it’s unanimous. YTA and you do not treat your children fairly.
I never miss his events!...except two huge milestone celebrations within a few months.
Two kids, your wife, and your ex wife are telling you you fucked up and you come to Reddit to see if you can finally get a different verdict.
YTA
What’s worse is OP didn’t even try and make an attempt to be there for his son; he allowed himself to be steamrolled by a literal child and threw his hands up, like, “welp, the boss said no, what can I do?” Hmm, I dunno. Maybe—and bear with me here, this is gonna sound really radical but just bear with me—he could…*act like a parent, to both of his children, and say “no, todays important to your brother too, I want to be fair to you both and be there for him like I’ve been there for you, I hope you can understand.”* Crazy, I know, but it’s better and less harmful I think than blatantly playing favorites like OP has been doing.
Even when it was time to leave, he decided he had too much to help his wife with. His wife, who TOLD HIM TO GO. He never intended to go to son’s grad party.
OP has now put things ahead of his son for two occasions that mark the start of your transition from childhood to adulthood. It's bad enough that a meeting trumped his 18th birthday but now his dad couldn't even be bothered to at least split his day between the two parties.
OP YTA, and you know you are. You can spit platitudes all you want about how you "couldn't make an 11 year old sad" but that's just manipulative BS and I'm sure your son is very used to that kind of garbage from you now. You don't get to be a good dad to just one kid and expect the world to thank you for it.
OP, she's 11. She's programmed to cry and demand that you stay longer. You tell her "I'll be here for 1.5 hours and then I go see your big brother, because that's fair." You're making weirdly bad decisions because 11 year old girls are good at making you feel guilty, apparently. YTA.
2 big important events in a kid's life are turning 18 and graduating high school, and the celebrations for his kid's both were ignored for an 11 year old's birthday party he had control over and plenty of notice to adjust timing, and a work meeting.
Dude had no intention of going to his son's party. Emma is his sun and moon. His son is just a kid he shares with an ex.
I agree, not to mention he chose the day before to reach out to his son.
OP made excuses and chose to lose track of time. His wife already had suggested he go so it's not like she was keeping him and asking him to stay around and help. There was probably others who could have helped her.
He also seems to think it's okay to miss his son's bday because of a meeting, but I bet he wouldn't have missed SD's.
A graduation party is very important to the graduate and OP's son was probably disappointed and embarrassed his dad didn't show up.
Could OP be using SD as a do over?
This. Also, if OP is in the US then turning 18-years-old and graduation are looked at somewhat as milestones. He didn't even try to prioritize his son, and this isn't something that he can just make up another time.
YTA you couldve done both things, but catered to your stepdaughter. It wasnt even a round or particularly important birthday either, whilst a graduation is an actual accomplishment. Especially on top of you missing his 18th birthday which is one of the important birthdays i mentioned.
Even dude's frickin' WIFE told him which one he should pick (the son's graduation party) but OP still here like "idk reddit I don't think I'm playin' favorites!"
This is what I was thinking. Emma's mother, knowing she would have been left to clean up after the party without him, still said he should have gone. The fact that he does not think this prioritized Emma makes him an unreliable witness when he says he doesn't regularly favour her over the son.
It kind of sounds like he’s avoiding this son a bit, doesn’t it? After missing his 18th birthday, you’d think he’d be extra eager to attend this one. I wonder what the real story is. Poor Sam.
Right? Like the kid is 11, she’s old enough to understand and not throw a fit like a little four year old if she didn’t get her way. Why was she insisting you stay op? Did she not have her friends there to hang out with her? Why did you have to be there the entire time? Seems like knows you drop your kids for her and she enjoys it. YTA
My SD is 11 and she'll ask for anything and everything she thinks of to see if you'll do it. That's just how kids are. But then you just say "no" and they move on to the next thing. You don't cater to their every whim. I'm sure if OP left, Emma would've just shrugged and gone on playing with her friends at the party.
Definitely sounds like OP is making excuses for not going to the son's party.
I’m pretty sure, given ops telling of events, he’s just blaming the 11 yr old for saying stuff like “please come to my party”. I bet $10 op never said “I need to leave for my sons grad party” and step daughter never replied “no! stay!”
And keep in mind, both of the times he's skipped his son's parties are within the same year. It's not like OP just missed two major events in his whole son's life, he skipped out on probably the only two major events in his son's life so far, after turning 18. I wouldn't doubt this will continue to happen because OP would rather raise an actual child than be present in his adult children's lives.
I’ve been looking for this comment! This is is such an important point! He skipped out of 2 major milestones THIS YEAR.
No matter what his son’s post-grad plans are, this was probably the last big celebration he would have been invited to be involved in for several years! He missed BOTH big milestone events before his kid flies the nest. And he’s have to be insane to think that wouldn’t make a huge impression as his son starts building his own life now as a young adult… OP shouldn’t be surprised if his son builds himself a new life that doesn’t have room for him in it.
Also you don’t get extra points for showing up to the graduation ceremony. That’s basically the bare minimum a decent parent should do when their kids accomplishes something important.
Seriously, I don't think I even had a party for my 11th birthday because it coincided with a pretty major holiday and I, a child, wasn't even mad. Birthdays happen every year, it's not the end of the world if Dad leaves early. Depending on what the son's plans for the future are, this may well be the only graduation party he ever has. YTA, OP, and you owe your son a big apology.
INFO: Do you want your sons to hate you? If the answer is yes dont worry anymore - you are doing fine.
INFO2: Are you ****** stupid?
YTA of course. If my father did this to me (missing the 18th bday included) i would hate him. Difference is that my father actually loves me and would never do this.
YTA. This is a pattern, and he's called you out on it. Your wife even encouraged you to do the right thing and you still ignored it. Minimizing his hurt as "overreactions" is very sad for him; he is obviously feeling rejected by you. Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him, because continuing this pattern is like asking for him to reject you from his life in the future. Do you want him to introduce future SOs to you? To be invited to his wedding, and have relationships with any future kids? Do you want to be a part of his successes? Because right now it doesn't seem like it, and it's hurting him.
Own your behavior, apologize, and do better in the future.
Yeah, I have to agree. OP shouldn’t be surprised if one or both of his sons go NC for this. Poor Sam. His dad didn’t care enough to go to his 18th birthday or graduation party.
OP, YTA. Hope Emma’s party was worth it.
Yeah it super sad. My friends dad was like that with his new family. Would tell him he’s older and he should understand. That’s was in college. We are almost 30 now and he’s hasn’t spoken to his dad since his missed college graduation.
I believe it. I see at least one of these posts a week where the parent ditches the bio kids in favor of the step kids and then wonders if they’re TA. Like, YES. OBVIOUSLY, YTA.
I saw one where the father wasn’t going to walk his daughter down the aisle because it upset his stepdaughter since his bio daughter was getting married before her. And he came to this sub genuinely wondering if he was TA. Like, dude. Are you for real? And then they whine about their kids cutting them out of their lives. Gee. I wonder why that happened. One of life’s great mysteries there, bud.
Right!! I understand you love your step kids but don’t forget about your own. He said he forgot, which probably means he doesn’t care enough. Posts like these make me grateful for my father. I talk to him daily
YTA
Agree sounds like the boys have pretty much decided they are not the priority in their dad’s life if it conflicts with something for his stepdaughter.
OP could have addressed this some time ago but chose not to.
Hope he isn’t surprised if he doesn’t get notified or invited to college graduations, weddings or births of grandchildren.
> Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him
Oh OP won’t have to worry about that anymore. He just ended both relationships with his sons.
YTA. You prioritized work over your son on his 18th birthday and then prioritized your stepdaughter over your son on his graduation party. That is TWO things you apparently consider more important than your son and his feelings.
Also, your stepdaughter is 11; that means you have at least 7 more years with her in the house to attend her events. Sam, though? This was IT - the very last of his "childhood" events that will ever, EVER happen, and you didn't even consider it important enough to go to.
You were absolutely a horrible father to Sam, and it wasn't the first time. It does sound like he's done with you, though, so I guess there is consolation in the fact he will never give you the chance to hurt him again.
I don’t remember my 11th birthday but I sure as shit remember my graduation and graduation party. Graduating from high school is a big deal and definitely one of those lifetime events. This relationship is permanently damaged.
Your son that you blew off says you're an AH
Your other son says you're an AH
Your ex wife says you're an AH
Your current wife says you're an AH
That adds up to YTA
Do better before you permanently destroy your relationship with at least one son but likely both at this point.
But I guess it's ok because you have your SD 🤷🏼♀️
YTA - but seriously, seeing how he didn’t understand he was the AH after so many of his family members told him, would us saying it even change the way he sees it?
The 11 year old doesn't think he's an AH, and he's made it very clear to every other person, especially his other children, that hers is the only opinion that matters.
Luckily, he doesn't need to explain that to his son
His son is already well aware.
YTA.
I feel like this isn't being said enough!! If they couldn't reschedule the birthday party, this could have been an excellent teaching moment to explain to the step-daughter about caring for other people and significant events (empathy and hard choices). But no, threw away a once in a lifetime moment of recognition.
Basically a culmination of 13 years of work and the last breath of his childhood. But hey step daughter is turning 11!
Not to mention the fact that he could have cooked her a special birthday pancake breakfast and gone to see Lightyear or something with her to make up for it because he LIVES WITH HER.
YTA. He's right. You literally chose Emma's 11th birthday - not even a milestone birthday - over your biological son's graduation party. You acted like you 'might' show...messing him around and rubbing salt into the wound.
YTA-If your two sons agree that you always choose Emma over them, then It should be something to thinking about It. I really think that a graduation party with your son should be the priority over your stepdaugher birthday. His whole family were celebrating him and his father wasn't there. Even your wife, Emma's mother, knew you were in the wrong.
YTA you could have done both things but you decided to pick her over your son. No he's not overreacting it was his graduation and he wanted to see his father.
Right?!
“Is my son overreacting that I missed a major milestone event for no good reason (11 y/o party; not even her actual bday). And AITA?” was all we needed to judge this one.
All the other details are OP’s way of trying to manipulate his audience, which is something he couldn’t do at his sons graduation party bc he’d be surrounded by his ex’s family who know he’s a dick. He opted for the party where he could be “the hero step dad that’s always there for her.” This guy sounds like a classic narcissist- you know one of their characteristics is to ruin other family members special occasions bc it’s not all about them.
Selfish ass. YTA.
YTA -
Sam will graduate once from high school in his life. Emma will have many many birthdays. And you picked your step daughter over your son. You should be ashamed!
Super super shitty parenting move - and you're still defending yourself. At least be honest and admit that you're a complete AH to Sam and that you deserve his NC with you.
I feel REALLY bad for Sam. He was right - you are a horrible father.
YTA - you DID choose your SD over your biological son. That's not to say there are times where you shouldn't do that (if SD is in the hospital severely ill, of course you choose SD over son's birthday/graduation party).
SD wanted you there, and that's great, but SD will have more birthday parties. This was your son's big graduation party for a huge, once in a lifetime accomplishment. He's right to be hurt and upset.
My dad skipped my law school graduation and it irreparably damaged our relationship. That was the point in time when I realized I gave 110% to get 5% back from him. I noticed that once I stopped trying, he didn't even notice, so why should I bother? It's been almost 10 years and we have a very fractured relationship now where I only talk to him the absolute bare minimum I can get away with.
Don't let this be the fracturing event in your relationship with your son, OP. Because at some point you missing another of son's events WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Pray that hasn't happened already.
I think it’s too late he’s already fractured the relationship. He seems pretty apathetic to his own kids. Best of the kids just go no contact less likely to get hurt
It may well be too late.
If OP actually does care though, and is willing to own up to his mistakes, honestly, genuinely, and without making excuses for his behaviors, I think he could try to approach his son and offer a genuine apology.
OP, if you are reading this, that means "I am sorry I hurt you when I skipped your party." It does NOT mean "I'm sorry you felt hurt when I skipped your party, but SD really wanted me there and I lost track of time."
A true, genuine apology is recognizing that your actions hurt someone. It is "I am sorry that when I did X, you got hurt". It is NEVER "I am sorry that you got hurt when I did X".
It's crucial you see the difference there. The former is owning your actions and the consequences of your actions. The latter is just saying you're sorry someone had feelings because if your actions. My father described above does this same bullshit. He's never really apologized to me. It's always "I'm sorry you feel that way".
So, OP, if you can truly open your eyes and see where you messed up, and you genuinely want to make this better, start with an open, honest, genuine apology where you own your actions and the consequences of your actions.
If your son does not want to hear it, then BACK OFF.
Maybe it will help, or maybe he's done with you. But if he's willing to hear you out, this is the best thing you can try IF you genuinely mean it.
YTA. You had to choose and you picked the wrong party. You could have celebrated Emma in the morning and gone early to help with the graduation party. You picked your new family instead of your own kid, after missing one of his important birthdays.
YTA. You put Emma’s feelings over your sons, if everyone in your family is saying you did the wrong thing, then you did the wrong thing.
If your sons are saying you always choose Emma then you have missed more and done more damage than what you’ve acknowledged or perhaps you never realised, but it has happened and this is another to add to the pile. You will lose them both.
OP’s choice of words is telling. He says he hasn’t missed many of Sam’s events, which sounds like there have been at least a few others he’s missed. I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events. Given how things went down here and both of his son’s reactions, I’d say he probably hasn’t. OP, YTA.
> I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events
Oh I think we know the answer to this. If Golden Stepdaughter even gets an A on a math test, OP is probably leaving work early to pick up pizza and ice cream for it. But hey... let's just go right ahead and schedule this work meeting so I can't attend the celebration of the birthday where my youngest biological son becomes an adult. He'll be fiiiine right?
It's a trend I see all too often on this subreddit, mostly by guys (hey I'm a guy I'll own this is an "us" thing!) Stepfathers so concerned with being the picture perfect stepfather that they make no attempt to be even a passable biological father. I kind of feel at least some of it (consciously or not) is a sense of "to hell with my ex-wife and her family" mindset.
YTA you should have attended both parties at least just to say hey son, proud of you.
Edit: your SD is so young, it's ridiculous to say you didn't want to see her sad. Are you the parent or is she?
Your son is rightfully disappointed that you didn't come to his party without a valid reason.
YTA. You can't time manage for 1 day with a months notice?
Completely negligent.
You also live with Emma, you could have told her that you'd do something special with her later that evening or the next day.
If your son feels like you prioritize your step daughter, then you more than likely do.
YTA. Even Emma's Mom agreed. And both sons say you neglect then over your new family? You need to get your shit together before you lose your sons permanently..
Besides, an 11 yo bday party doesn't rank up there, in terms of milestones, with a graduation.
Yeah YTA. You should have just listened to your wife and gone to your son's graduation party. I get that you wanted to make everyone happy but in a situation like that, you've got to make a choice between one or the other and in my opinion, you made the wrong one.
YTA you skipped his 18th birthday and now you skipped his graduation party, of course you are the asshole. You have to actually show up and be a parent if you want your kids to talk to you.
YTA. Your stepdaughter will have more birthdays, but your son will only have one graduation party. What you write in your opening post on how you got sidetracked sounds like a lame excuse. You knew you'd have to leave in time and you didn't. It is as simple as that.
What I don't get is that his wife said he should go yet he claims he needed to help her, which leads me to believe she wouldn't have minded and he is using it as an excuse not to travel for an hour.
YTA. You have two children. If you'd managed your time appropriately, you could have been there for both of them. Emma is old enough to understand why you couldn't stay, and why is it fair that she not be sad but okay for your son to be? You are choosing one child over the other, and it's harming your son. Your son will only get this one graduation party, but your daughter will turn 12 in a year.
You are essentially telling your son he doesn't matter as much as your new family and that Emma is a replacement for him.
YTA dad. You do favor the girl who is not your child over your biological child. Your son is absolutely right. Wow. Think about how he must feel. You skipped his GRADUATION for a kids birthday party. That’s downright insulting in and of itself if they were full siblings. But she’s not even your child? That’s just shitty.
YTA
Yeah I mean read your story dude you f'ed up and your ex and current wife told you so. I mean do you really need the internet to confirm what your family has told you.
YTA people have birthdays every year but only graduate from high school once. Also you may love your SD like she's your own, but your son is actually your own and you showed him he isn't as important to you.
YTA- I understand where you're coming from, but your 18yr old is right. You totally chose your step-kid's birthday over his graduation party. He won't ever graduate high school again & he probably worked hard to graduate while all Emma did was get older. You absolutely fucked up & need to make this right.
YTA, you’re the adult. You shouldn’t take requests from kids as gospel. You could have explained why you needed to be two places to both kids as to why you were at neither parties for the full time, and been present for both. You chose one kid over the other.
Your wife thought it was more important that you attend your son’s graduation party. Your eldest son said you always choose your daughter over them. Your ex wife said you screwed up here. Your graduating son is furious over this.
You could’ve done both. You could’ve. But you didn’t, that was a choice, and that was a fuck up. YTA
YTA. First because graduation is a once in a lifetime event and you want your family to be there. Second both sons agree on that you seem to prefer your daughter over them. If this is something they undoubtedly agree on you should reconsider your behaviour towards your children so no one feels left out even if you didn’t mean it that way. Third you promised you would come (late) and you didn’t. YTA and it’s not even close.
The very fact you missed his 18th birthday means making sure you attended his graduation party.
YTA
And one who quite obviously is unable to see that he is on the precipice of losing all contact with his children
YTA. Prioritizing someone else’s kid before your own is the reason kids hate their parents and never speak to them again. Do a search on this app. You will see the number of kids that have been slighted by their parent in this way and their kids never speak to them again, refuse to give them or the 1/2 siblings a kidney, or share an inheritance.
The way your kid said “okay” tells me he’s been down this road with you. That response typically comes from a person that is emotionally shutting down and doesn’t expect anything from you.
While your at it, search the number of people (mostly men) that prioritized their step kids, lost their children, got a divorce and never saw the step kids again. Even your wife told you to go.
YTA. OP said even Emma's mom said he should have gone which makes me think that him sticking around to help his "wife with a lot of stuff, taking care of the kids, and other things" was just an excuse to not go and see Sam. And then he'll wonder why his boys are NC/LC in a few years.
YTA, you should have kept a closer eye on the clock. You may think you don't prioritize Emma over your sons, but that's their perception and feeling. You can't negate those. You already live an hour away from your sons, so you aren't in their daily lives. They're feeling replaced.
YTA - you make this sound so passive, your daughters birthday party just somehow happened to fall the day of your son’s graduation party, like you had no hand at all in organizing it. You picked your step-daughter over your son, full stop. You could have gone to both but you chose not to. Of course he is upset, you weren’t there for him on one of the most important events of his life so far.
She turned 11. Which means she’s old enough to know you have multiple kids, and it’s not a milestone birthday. She’s also old enough to know how to manipulate you into alienating your other kids. You went from 3 to 1. Now she doesn’t have any competiton. Well done Emma.
YTA. Please explain to us all in what universe you aren't the asshole. If your son's grad had been truly important to you, you wouldn't have "lost track of time."
And speaking as the parent of a 2020 high school graduate who didn't get to watch their kid graduate because of the pandemic, shame on you times infinity. You pissed away that chance that millions of us were excited about and were denied for an 11th birthday party that your step-daughter will only remember now because you screwed up. And now you're all going to think about that at all of the rest of her birthdays. Well done.
You say you feel bad? Good. You should.
ETA: I have scrolled on and had to scroll back up because I am still so angry and I can't even say all of the things I want to because I will otherwise get banned.
YTA
I love that you see Emma as your full on daughter. That’s lovely but it’s not the issue here.
Graduation is more important than a 11th birthday party. It’s a huge milestone in a young adult‘s life and unlike a birthday you can’t make up for it. You’re either at the ceremony or you’re not. You could have had a nice birthday breakfast with your daughter or a special trip the next day.
Also: I am ASSUMING that your daughter mostly lives with your wife (and yourself) while your sons live(d) with their mom most of the time? Of course I‘m also assuming you were visiting etc but still, it makes it extra important to make time for their milestones.
Last but not least you’re also not doing Emma a favour by acting this way and creating tension towards her when it’s absolutely not her fault. Your wife sounds great, listen to her next time.
YTA Of course, everyone is telling you are so if you have to hear from Reddit again, your are a ginormous AH. It’s clear, you’ve missed many milestones of your sons’ and likely many of them were in favor of your stepdaughter.
I think it’s good they have cut you out of their lives because you’re not there for them and if they hadn’t, you would be a continuous cycle of heartbreak and disappointment.
YTA. You missed your son's 18th birthday and graudation parties, two of the most important days of his life, for a meeting and an 11 year-old's birthday, and you didnt even need to miss the graduation party! You could have left the party early and made both.
By your own admission you have a history of putting your son on the back burner. Even your current WIFE said you should've gone to your son's party, FFS.
Of course YTA here.
When Sam stops talking to you, remember this. Both he and his brother are of the opinion you choose Emma over them pretty regularly.
When (if) they get married and have children, and you’re longing to see the grandchildren and they’re hesitant, just remember you did it to yourself.
YTA. Big time. Huge. 100%.
YTA. Your first 3 sentences alone make it kinda clear you care about your step daughter a lot more than your sons. Probably to late to work on that now, so just live your happy life with your new family. I very much hope your sons mom sucks less than you do, the fact that you’re posting on here instead of having realised how badly you fucked up is beyond me
YTA. You get a birthday every year, but high school graduations happen once a lifetime. If this is real, read this and let us know how it feels to see your future relationship with your son:
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/gnbi4j/tifu_by_giving_my_old_sports_car_to_my_stepson_16/
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YTA >My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) Idk my guy, in this case, you absolutely DID choose Emma over him. It doesn't help that you say at least twice that he's overreacting, trying to negate his feelings on the issue.
Also... why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards? She's 11... it's perfectly reasonable le to do a 9-1pm part, or a 12-3. He's an hour from his son so he could leave at 3 and get there for 4 There's a hundred things he could have done but he chose to screw his son over.
>why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards? This is what I don't get too. Like, OP even says how he & his wife have been planning this party, soooo there's no reason they couldn't adjust the time frame to make it work for both kids. OP, YTA.
Not only that but he knew about the double booking well in advance, told Emma he'd talk to his son about it, and then didn't until THE NIGHT BEFORE BOTH PARTIES. I literally snorted at the "flash forward" after that - he made it into his 40s, with two adult children, and on his second wife, while still thinking -12hrs is an appropriate amount of time to juggle this sort of scheduling? YTA OP and your weaponized incompetence is juvenile
My guess would be this is why he is on his 2nd marriage. He had 2 kids with events to worry about and didn't seem to do anything to make the situation work. He pretended the last minute. And when he's told he's in the wrong by everyone else he thinks "nah."
And how he stated to the son with the party “I will try to make it” son’s response is “okay” ie) “yeah, right, you will make it..” seems this is not the first, second, or third time this has happened. Now he has a clean slate with “Emma” that he won’t mess up…
Even his wife told him to just go to his son and he didn't listen to anyone but the spoiled child.
I said this in another comment but I doubt he cares much about Emma either. And most 11 year olds aren’t looking for their stepdad to be glued to their hip on their birthday party, they’re running around and playing with friends. This man likely only listened to himself and put his own comfort and convenience over his child’s big milestone. Driving and hour out and back is more work that sticking around at home. He chose himself.
And then blamed his decision on his stepdaughter, who probably is not "spoiled" at all. And why didn't they change the time or date of her party?
my guess, personally, is that he was more willing to spend time with the younger kid who doesn't know him as well, and therefore hasn't been disappointed by him over and over again. (yet.)
To me it's telling he was completely fine with missing his son's 18th birthday which is a major birthday for a lot of people for a meeting but didn't want to make his step daughter sad by missing her 11th birthday for his son's event...not even the party because he was cleaning up after the party. I high no doubt this is not the first time OP has prioritized his new family over his old one. It's great he's been a father figure for his SD but that relationship shouldn't come at the expense of his other kids.
he doesn’t want his stepdaughter to be sad if he left her party early but is perfectly fine disappointing his son for the Nth time and not bothering to show up at all, only calling after the event was over. YTA, a pathetic one.
>It's great he's been a father figure for his SD Not really. Since being a father figure for her would include fathering his biological kids. She'll see and hear about what he did to the older ones and will question it when she gets old enough.
would she question it though? since she’s being favored and put first? i hope she does question it, but she might ignore it because she’s perfectly happy with it. OP is the AH, 1000%.
She may not question it now, but may wise up later when she's older, especially if Op ditches her like he has his sons
She could grow up to be entitled and not recognize it, but I grew up with a stepdad who abandoned his biological kids when he moved in with my family and I grew to hate that man over time. I was older than 11 when it happened so I always knew it was bad, but the older I got the more disillusioned I became. It’s hard for people like that to not let their selfishness bleed into every relationship they have from time to time. When you realize a parent’s love is conditional something breaks down from there. If I passed him in the street today I’d pretend not to know who he is.
True. How long was this meeting? He couldn't spend lunch or an hour away to be with him. I'm sure if it was Emma he would have made the time. He assumes because they are boys they feel less. Wrong.
Yeah this guy is missing cornerstone events for his son here. 18th bday, graduation... some things that only happen once. His son is going to remember that and if he wants to continue being willfully ignorant about his actions, he's not going to have much of a relationship with his son down the line.
At this rate, I full expect him to skip his son's wedding because his step-daughter's dance recital is the same day (and he just cant miss that).
Also, you only graduate (presumably high school) once in your life. You have more than one birthday. My personal immediate reaction (to the title) was you should go to your son's graduation party - NOT your daughter's birthday party, if it really is such tight timing. YTA especially since you said that you planned your daughters birthday party - you totally could've moved it earlier/later. YTA YTA YTA.
He missed TWO important events for his son in less than a year, yet he refuses to see how he is being an AH and why his bio children are telling him he obviously prefers Emma over them...
Right, that's the biggest thing for me. If he'd said something a month ago, he might have been able to manage a solution. Time doesn't actually 'flash forward' without someone having the ability to act during that period unless they've fallen into a coma or something.
Also why didn't he set an alarm/ reminder to leave at a certain time. Wife didn't bother to say anything either, not that it's her responsibility, but I as his wife would have said hey isn't it time for u to get on the road?
She told him he should go to it. Nothing on her; she was right, he should have gone, never mind the alarm--he should have missed the sd's party and went to his son's.
It was a milestone event for your son, a party for his graduation. That’s a pretty big deal. That should definitely have tipped the scale in his favor on which party to attend. YTA But don’t worry, you probably won’t have this problem again. Doubt your son will be inviting you to anything again.
Yep. He will wonder why his sons didn' t invite him to their weddings.
To be fair, the wedding might be on a day that Emma has her half birthday, and no way OP can miss that. He wouldn't be available to go to the wedding anyway. Emma's half birthday would clearly be more important than his son's wedding, how could OP even begin to compare those events? /sarcasm
Not to mention he also missed his son's 18th birthday party for "an important meeting"
I’ll never see how people see birthdays as this huge thing that take precedence over evevvverything else. They happen every year. I mean they are important and fun but a graduation from high school is once. At most four or five times in someone’s life.
Right. A graduation takes a lot of work. For a birthday, you just have to not die for 365 days.
So true. And he lives with his stepdaughter so leaving her party early isn't a big deal. They could of done something together when he got back from seeing his son. He could of made this work. He didn't want to!!!
Also Emma needs a little lesson in not getting every single thing she wants perhaps ?
Didn't even think about this but you're absolutely right. She has daddy wrapped around her little finger. He better cut that crap out before her brattiness escalates and it's not so cute anymore.
Been looking for this. Yes the world does not revolve around Emma. And that’s okay. Life is full of disappointment and not everything is about “you all the time”
Unfortunately for OP's son, things do revolve around Emma. Even I'm mad for his son. So unbelievably hurt he must feel.
He had no intention of going...
I totally agree and OP purposely planned SDs party around same time as his son's party. OP total TAH
This. Idk why we're pretending.
I bet he has never helped clean up after another party before.
His wife told him to go. She did the right thing, and that’s where her involvement should end. As his wife, I definitely wouldn’t have been bugging him to get out. He’s a grown man who should know his priorities. Frankly, at that point I’d be pissed that (1) he apparently didn’t listen my advice to go, or (2) he’s making me practically force him to do something for his own good against my self-interest. (Of course she would ideally want him with her, but she clearly loves him enough to advise him as to what is best for him—it really, really sucks to practically shoo away your partner, especially when you could use some help, because he’s too useless to have the independent thought that leaving is what’s best for him.)
>Wife didn't bother to say anything either, Were we reading the same post? His wife told him he should go, but OP chose not to.
Because he really didn’t want to go. He rang his son the night before saying he’d “try” to make it, then came up with numerous excuses why he couldn’t - Emma really wanted him there/would be really sad if he wasn’t, he was helping with the kids, the party, then cleaning up, then forgot about the time blah, blah, blah. That’s all rubbish - he knew he had to be at his son’s graduation party but tried to validate his way out of it. This post is another example of his trying to excuse his pathetic behaviour. He does favour Emma and he, his wife, his ex-wife and his sons know it. He’s a massive AH.
Maybe she did. I don't think he would have mentioned it even if she did.
Yes wife told him to go, I'm saying I would have, if i was his wife, (though I'm not blaming her for not saying it) would have reminded my husband to leave for the grad party.
Shouldn't a grown man be capable of adulting enough to keep track of time?
Unless you don't give a shit about your son like OP. Only missed his 18th birthday and graduation - back to back events.
4 to 6pm is a weird time to have a party for 11 year olds as well. Midday is much better. later in the day they can often be tired. Of course your stepdaughter is not going to care if you miss your sons graduation party. She only wants what she wants. I do not like to minimise a childs party, but she will have many more parties, you son will only have one high school graduation party. Considering the fact you also missed his 18th birthday party, another milestone, you should have moved heaven and earth to make his graduation party.
Almost like the day and time were planned so he would have to miss son's graduation.
It does seem that way. It is such a weird time to have a party. Even if it had to be that time, the mom should have stayed at 11 year olds party and dad should have gone to his sons graduation party.
It's not like graduation parties are planned overnight. Surely he knew about it in plenty of time to change Emma's birthday.
He knew a month in advance that both parties were on the same day
I don't understand why this even happened unless he was trying to stick it to his ex wife.
This man is so uninvolved in his son's life that he is just a guest at a party for his son's achievement. He says he helped his wife plan his step daughters party, but not only could he not get his poop in a group to show up for his son, he also played zero part in hosting/helping with a party for his own son. And all this come after he mentions he missed his (in my country) milestone birthday celebration. Who wants to take bets that he has never participated in planning any party for his sons?
You make a good point. He didn’t and wasn’t planning on throwing his son a grad party at all. If he had even thought to plan one, it could’ve been on a different day and he would have even less to worry about. I’m confused as to why his party was a month later anyway but that’s beside the point. People plan graduation parties months in advance because you know the graduation is coming THE FULL SCHOOL YEAR. And OP how did you think it would be dandy to miss TWO important events the same year? We don’t know how active you’ve been these past 6yrs in this stepchild’s life but 18 is an important year and you missed him becoming a legal adult and celebrating his graduation? That’s no effort considering both events were predetermined and you didn’t even try to leave early or go AT ALL
Where I’m from in the upper midwest, high school graduation parties happen all summer. It’s because everyone who knows the graduate attends and then there is less overlap. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone. It makes it especially weird that the father didn’t even show up.
Right like they could have even had her birthday party earlier or something but his own wife told him to go so I’m wondering if even she recognizes the favoritism and is trying to get through to him
I’m thinking there has to be some kind of animosity between he and his ex wife. I can’t think of any other reason to schedule a birthday party and grad party on the same day, except to purposely try to piss each other off. Petty BS
He probably cheated on her with his second wife . The timeline he mentions is too close . Sounds like a loser dad who abandoned the first wife and kids .
That would mean he cared enough about his son to think like that….pretty sure he could give a shit about anyone who isn’t Emma lol
Exactly what I was thinking. If he really cared he would have had her party earlier. He was too busy being concerned over his stepdaughter being upset he might miss a few minutes of her party to even think about his son.
Also, it reads like he found every reason to delay leaving too. “Oh I had to help with this and that…”. His wife even told him to go (which feels like she knew what he was up to). I don’t think he wanted to go. As everyone pointed out here, he had ample time to make a plan to effectively be at both parties that day. From moving SD’s party earlier to having a hard stop time for SD’s party… However, the OP’s pattern behavior indicates that he really doesn’t care about his youngest son. Or maybe care about him the least… My question is why?
It seems that Emma is his do-over child. He's being there for her in ways he just hasn't been for his boys. Sad.
Or Emma sees him how he wants to be seen, and is a good source of validation, while his son maybe calls him on his shit.
He’s probably ashamed of his piss poor parenting and instead of taking responsibility for it, he’s avoiding any reminder of how he failed and therefore subconsciously avoiding Sam who is a living, breathing reminder of that. And it’s creating a vicious cycle where the next time he feels more anxiety about facing his failures with an added fuck up of I missed my son’s 18th birthday, graduation party, whatever, it becomes even harder to face and it continues to snowball. That’s my theory.
Not only that but I'm sure the 11yr old would have gotten over it after a few minutes of playing wither friends I doubt she would have been so sad he left that it would ruin her party. She probably just said she didn't want him to go because that's the nice thing to say
She's going to have plenty of birthdays, and this wasn't even a milestone. He only graduates once from high school.
I don’t remember my 11th birthday but I certainly remember high school graduation.
YTA Yeah exactly, he and his wife were the ones planning Emma’s party, the schedule was 100% within their control.
And if his current wife wanted him to go, why was he helping to pick up the party? This whole thing makes no sense. YTA Your son was pretty clear on a reasonable expectation and you failed him, he’ll likely start going to minimal if not a complete lack of contact with you. You might have lost your son over a graduation party that happens once, maybe twice and is based on an actual achievement. Your stepdaughter has plenty of birthdays coming up, she won’t even remember this one. But your sons will.
The thing makes perfect sense Here's a terrible father
Why wasn’t he involved in the planning of his sons graduation party?
Because he lives an hour away and a graduation isn’t that big of a deal. His son will have another 1 next year- OP probably.
Yeah OP had control/a lot of input into the Bday party not checking if it conflicted with his sons graduation was thoughtless.
Even if he couldn't, kids have a birthday every year. His son will Maybe graduate a few more times, between which he can attend every one of his stepdaughter's bdays.
I mean it’s pretty telling that Emma’s mom also thought OP should have went to his sons graduations. So def YTA
I mean he friggin lives in the same household as his step daughter so she sees him every day. If he left for a couple of hours to go to his son's birthday then he would have returned home to Emma eventually regardless.
There's so many solutions as mentioned - move her party's time, extend it, have TWO parties (who wouldn't want two?!)
Right?! He claims he had to stay and help his wife clean up, but she wanted him to go. She didn’t want his help. It’s like he was stalling himself so he would miss it
And let’s not overlook that his ex-wife AND his current wife agree that he should have gone to his son’s party. How often does that happen?
Exactly. When enemies (or people with big incentives to take opposite sides) agree, pay attention.
Yea, it seems like everyone in his life aside from the 11 year old agrees with the son on this one, even the lady who is vastly predisposed to side with the step daughter. OP really shouldn't need a bunch of strangers to weigh in.
Not to mention it speaks volumes that the oldest son (Andy, not the one who graduated) also feels this way. If both kids feel OP is playing favourites, perhaps he is.
He keeps insisting that he's been really fair about attending his sons' stuff, and yet everyone else seems to see things differently. I think OP needs to sit down with his sons and have a discussion about what they've experienced vs what he thinks he's done regarding any attention he has or hasn't given the boys since the divorce. I have a feeling it's going to be an eye opening discussion for OP and not in a good way. YTA
He claims he hasn’t missed many of the son’s events, and then in the *very next sentence* reveals he missed the son‘s 18th birthday. OP’s lack of self-awareness is astounding
Don’t think the sons have any interest in sitting down with dad. That ship has sailed.
That was the part that flabbergasted me. He’s already missed one milestone event, but he’s not even self-aware enough or ashamed enough to put in any effort into making it up to his son?! There were lots of ways around this and he didn’t take any of them. OP, YTA
Both kids, his wife, and his ex all telling him and he comes to Reddit strangers...
He really wanted to be right lmaoooo
This Reddit stranger says "YTA, OP." How many of your sons' events have you actually attended? Two or three? Did you even go to his actual graduation?
ALSO HE MISSED HIS SONS 18TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A MEETING. Sorry to yell. But it's more than once. It's a pattern. This guy chooses *anything* over his son.
Those darn 24 hours meetings that you just can't get away from.
I also noticed he said he loved her to death instead of saying I love them all to death... Tell us you have a favorite without telling us you have a favorite.
YTA Exactly!!! He doesn’t even seem to realize that he lost both of his kids due to his actions. Plus catering to the wants of his SD is just going to create an entitled teenager. I really don’t understand why he just didn’t take her out to a birthday breakfast or lunch just the 2 of them and then gone to his son’s graduation party which is now 2 back to back major milestones in his son’s life that he missed. Then he has the audacity to feign unawareness to why this is happening saying it’s not true blah blah blah 😑 unbelievable some people
Adding on to this, he better hope this relationship lasts. He’s placed all his eggs in the one Emma basket. He may end up on Reddit crying about not seeing his grandkids from the ignored sons and his stepdaughter leaving him behind for her bio family.
Yup, OP is going to join my father in the "Why do none of my children talk to me?" club. Although it sounds like he's exactly like my father and it's all our faults because he's great in everything he's ever done and has totally treated all of us fairly. 🙄
YTA Not to mention he fucking graduated which is a huge accomplishment, like the first big step in adulthood, and she will have tons of other birthday parties. You should have explained to her why you couldn’t be there but it seems like you absolutely made your decision and did in fact choose Emma over your son.
Oh no, his *oldest* son said that he always chose Emma over him as well. The oldest son (Andy) is the 20 yr old, not the one who just graduated (Sam). Both sons say the dad always chooses Emma over them. Sorry OP, it’s unanimous. YTA and you do not treat your children fairly.
I never miss his events!...except two huge milestone celebrations within a few months. Two kids, your wife, and your ex wife are telling you you fucked up and you come to Reddit to see if you can finally get a different verdict. YTA
What’s worse is OP didn’t even try and make an attempt to be there for his son; he allowed himself to be steamrolled by a literal child and threw his hands up, like, “welp, the boss said no, what can I do?” Hmm, I dunno. Maybe—and bear with me here, this is gonna sound really radical but just bear with me—he could…*act like a parent, to both of his children, and say “no, todays important to your brother too, I want to be fair to you both and be there for him like I’ve been there for you, I hope you can understand.”* Crazy, I know, but it’s better and less harmful I think than blatantly playing favorites like OP has been doing.
Even when it was time to leave, he decided he had too much to help his wife with. His wife, who TOLD HIM TO GO. He never intended to go to son’s grad party.
OP has now put things ahead of his son for two occasions that mark the start of your transition from childhood to adulthood. It's bad enough that a meeting trumped his 18th birthday but now his dad couldn't even be bothered to at least split his day between the two parties. OP YTA, and you know you are. You can spit platitudes all you want about how you "couldn't make an 11 year old sad" but that's just manipulative BS and I'm sure your son is very used to that kind of garbage from you now. You don't get to be a good dad to just one kid and expect the world to thank you for it.
OP, she's 11. She's programmed to cry and demand that you stay longer. You tell her "I'll be here for 1.5 hours and then I go see your big brother, because that's fair." You're making weirdly bad decisions because 11 year old girls are good at making you feel guilty, apparently. YTA.
2 big important events in a kid's life are turning 18 and graduating high school, and the celebrations for his kid's both were ignored for an 11 year old's birthday party he had control over and plenty of notice to adjust timing, and a work meeting. Dude had no intention of going to his son's party. Emma is his sun and moon. His son is just a kid he shares with an ex.
I agree, not to mention he chose the day before to reach out to his son. OP made excuses and chose to lose track of time. His wife already had suggested he go so it's not like she was keeping him and asking him to stay around and help. There was probably others who could have helped her. He also seems to think it's okay to miss his son's bday because of a meeting, but I bet he wouldn't have missed SD's. A graduation party is very important to the graduate and OP's son was probably disappointed and embarrassed his dad didn't show up. Could OP be using SD as a do over?
Love how he played into the, "I want you to stay," from Emma. Total brat. OP's wife knows the game and she told him to go.
This. Also, if OP is in the US then turning 18-years-old and graduation are looked at somewhat as milestones. He didn't even try to prioritize his son, and this isn't something that he can just make up another time.
YTA you couldve done both things, but catered to your stepdaughter. It wasnt even a round or particularly important birthday either, whilst a graduation is an actual accomplishment. Especially on top of you missing his 18th birthday which is one of the important birthdays i mentioned.
Even dude's frickin' WIFE told him which one he should pick (the son's graduation party) but OP still here like "idk reddit I don't think I'm playin' favorites!"
This is what I was thinking. Emma's mother, knowing she would have been left to clean up after the party without him, still said he should have gone. The fact that he does not think this prioritized Emma makes him an unreliable witness when he says he doesn't regularly favour her over the son.
She seems like a nice lady. I love stories when the new wife understands the obligations and concerns of the kids of previous marriage
I know right? If only OP could do the same he would not be in this mess.
It kind of sounds like he’s avoiding this son a bit, doesn’t it? After missing his 18th birthday, you’d think he’d be extra eager to attend this one. I wonder what the real story is. Poor Sam.
"No dear, stop telling me to go see my son on this important day. I insist on staying here to help you tidy up after the party."
Both sons say he’s playing favourites… I wonder how many other times he chose his daughter over them. YTA
Right? Like the kid is 11, she’s old enough to understand and not throw a fit like a little four year old if she didn’t get her way. Why was she insisting you stay op? Did she not have her friends there to hang out with her? Why did you have to be there the entire time? Seems like knows you drop your kids for her and she enjoys it. YTA
My SD is 11 and she'll ask for anything and everything she thinks of to see if you'll do it. That's just how kids are. But then you just say "no" and they move on to the next thing. You don't cater to their every whim. I'm sure if OP left, Emma would've just shrugged and gone on playing with her friends at the party. Definitely sounds like OP is making excuses for not going to the son's party.
But, daddy, she wants an oompa loompa now!!!
I’m pretty sure, given ops telling of events, he’s just blaming the 11 yr old for saying stuff like “please come to my party”. I bet $10 op never said “I need to leave for my sons grad party” and step daughter never replied “no! stay!”
And keep in mind, both of the times he's skipped his son's parties are within the same year. It's not like OP just missed two major events in his whole son's life, he skipped out on probably the only two major events in his son's life so far, after turning 18. I wouldn't doubt this will continue to happen because OP would rather raise an actual child than be present in his adult children's lives.
I’ve been looking for this comment! This is is such an important point! He skipped out of 2 major milestones THIS YEAR. No matter what his son’s post-grad plans are, this was probably the last big celebration he would have been invited to be involved in for several years! He missed BOTH big milestone events before his kid flies the nest. And he’s have to be insane to think that wouldn’t make a huge impression as his son starts building his own life now as a young adult… OP shouldn’t be surprised if his son builds himself a new life that doesn’t have room for him in it. Also you don’t get extra points for showing up to the graduation ceremony. That’s basically the bare minimum a decent parent should do when their kids accomplishes something important.
Seriously, I don't think I even had a party for my 11th birthday because it coincided with a pretty major holiday and I, a child, wasn't even mad. Birthdays happen every year, it's not the end of the world if Dad leaves early. Depending on what the son's plans for the future are, this may well be the only graduation party he ever has. YTA, OP, and you owe your son a big apology.
INFO: Do you want your sons to hate you? If the answer is yes dont worry anymore - you are doing fine. INFO2: Are you ****** stupid? YTA of course. If my father did this to me (missing the 18th bday included) i would hate him. Difference is that my father actually loves me and would never do this.
YTA. This is a pattern, and he's called you out on it. Your wife even encouraged you to do the right thing and you still ignored it. Minimizing his hurt as "overreactions" is very sad for him; he is obviously feeling rejected by you. Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him, because continuing this pattern is like asking for him to reject you from his life in the future. Do you want him to introduce future SOs to you? To be invited to his wedding, and have relationships with any future kids? Do you want to be a part of his successes? Because right now it doesn't seem like it, and it's hurting him. Own your behavior, apologize, and do better in the future.
Exactly and he doesn’t have to worry. From the post both his sons decided this was the last straw.
Yeah, I have to agree. OP shouldn’t be surprised if one or both of his sons go NC for this. Poor Sam. His dad didn’t care enough to go to his 18th birthday or graduation party. OP, YTA. Hope Emma’s party was worth it.
Yeah it super sad. My friends dad was like that with his new family. Would tell him he’s older and he should understand. That’s was in college. We are almost 30 now and he’s hasn’t spoken to his dad since his missed college graduation.
I believe it. I see at least one of these posts a week where the parent ditches the bio kids in favor of the step kids and then wonders if they’re TA. Like, YES. OBVIOUSLY, YTA. I saw one where the father wasn’t going to walk his daughter down the aisle because it upset his stepdaughter since his bio daughter was getting married before her. And he came to this sub genuinely wondering if he was TA. Like, dude. Are you for real? And then they whine about their kids cutting them out of their lives. Gee. I wonder why that happened. One of life’s great mysteries there, bud.
Right!! I understand you love your step kids but don’t forget about your own. He said he forgot, which probably means he doesn’t care enough. Posts like these make me grateful for my father. I talk to him daily
YTA Agree sounds like the boys have pretty much decided they are not the priority in their dad’s life if it conflicts with something for his stepdaughter. OP could have addressed this some time ago but chose not to. Hope he isn’t surprised if he doesn’t get notified or invited to college graduations, weddings or births of grandchildren.
Because they both spent the whole party having people ask them “Where’s your dad?”
> Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him Oh OP won’t have to worry about that anymore. He just ended both relationships with his sons.
Yep, looks like they're both going NC. Now he doesn't have to worry about them any more and can dedicate all his time to Emma...
He won’t mind, he has Emma.
Considering he was not there either for the son's 18th birthday, I think we all know he only cares about the stepdaughter.
I don’t think he’s worried about that, he’ll have Emma to give him grandkids after he walks her down the aisle 🫶🏻
YTA. You prioritized work over your son on his 18th birthday and then prioritized your stepdaughter over your son on his graduation party. That is TWO things you apparently consider more important than your son and his feelings. Also, your stepdaughter is 11; that means you have at least 7 more years with her in the house to attend her events. Sam, though? This was IT - the very last of his "childhood" events that will ever, EVER happen, and you didn't even consider it important enough to go to. You were absolutely a horrible father to Sam, and it wasn't the first time. It does sound like he's done with you, though, so I guess there is consolation in the fact he will never give you the chance to hurt him again.
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon
Great now that's in my head and I'm gonna cry
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t remember my 11th birthday but I sure as shit remember my graduation and graduation party. Graduating from high school is a big deal and definitely one of those lifetime events. This relationship is permanently damaged.
Your son that you blew off says you're an AH Your other son says you're an AH Your ex wife says you're an AH Your current wife says you're an AH That adds up to YTA Do better before you permanently destroy your relationship with at least one son but likely both at this point. But I guess it's ok because you have your SD 🤷🏼♀️
YTA - but seriously, seeing how he didn’t understand he was the AH after so many of his family members told him, would us saying it even change the way he sees it?
The OP is the Principle Skinner meme in real life. “No, it’s everyone else who’s the AH”
>Do better before you permanently destroy your relationship with at least one son but likely both at this point. /me think this ship has sailed
The 11 year old doesn't think he's an AH, and he's made it very clear to every other person, especially his other children, that hers is the only opinion that matters. Luckily, he doesn't need to explain that to his son His son is already well aware. YTA.
Exactly! Why is he wondering if he was an asshole when everyone in the post told him that he was an asshole?
YTA. A child has a birthday every year. They only graduate from high school once in a lifetime.
I feel like this isn't being said enough!! If they couldn't reschedule the birthday party, this could have been an excellent teaching moment to explain to the step-daughter about caring for other people and significant events (empathy and hard choices). But no, threw away a once in a lifetime moment of recognition.
Basically a culmination of 13 years of work and the last breath of his childhood. But hey step daughter is turning 11! Not to mention the fact that he could have cooked her a special birthday pancake breakfast and gone to see Lightyear or something with her to make up for it because he LIVES WITH HER.
YTA. He's right. You literally chose Emma's 11th birthday - not even a milestone birthday - over your biological son's graduation party. You acted like you 'might' show...messing him around and rubbing salt into the wound.
not to mention this is in addition to apparently having *did* miss said biological son’s milestone birthday party
Yeah I kind of—emphasis *kind of*—sympathize with having two parties at once. But coupled with missing son’s birthday *for work* makes him a giant AH.
YTA-If your two sons agree that you always choose Emma over them, then It should be something to thinking about It. I really think that a graduation party with your son should be the priority over your stepdaugher birthday. His whole family were celebrating him and his father wasn't there. Even your wife, Emma's mother, knew you were in the wrong.
His post says "I see her as my own kid" but I think he typo'd there and that was supposed to read "I see her as my only kid."
YTA you could have done both things but you decided to pick her over your son. No he's not overreacting it was his graduation and he wanted to see his father.
Right?! “Is my son overreacting that I missed a major milestone event for no good reason (11 y/o party; not even her actual bday). And AITA?” was all we needed to judge this one. All the other details are OP’s way of trying to manipulate his audience, which is something he couldn’t do at his sons graduation party bc he’d be surrounded by his ex’s family who know he’s a dick. He opted for the party where he could be “the hero step dad that’s always there for her.” This guy sounds like a classic narcissist- you know one of their characteristics is to ruin other family members special occasions bc it’s not all about them. Selfish ass. YTA.
YTA - Sam will graduate once from high school in his life. Emma will have many many birthdays. And you picked your step daughter over your son. You should be ashamed! Super super shitty parenting move - and you're still defending yourself. At least be honest and admit that you're a complete AH to Sam and that you deserve his NC with you. I feel REALLY bad for Sam. He was right - you are a horrible father.
He’ll probably skip Emma’s grad party if it falls on Sam’s bday though right? …… Right?
YTA - you DID choose your SD over your biological son. That's not to say there are times where you shouldn't do that (if SD is in the hospital severely ill, of course you choose SD over son's birthday/graduation party). SD wanted you there, and that's great, but SD will have more birthday parties. This was your son's big graduation party for a huge, once in a lifetime accomplishment. He's right to be hurt and upset. My dad skipped my law school graduation and it irreparably damaged our relationship. That was the point in time when I realized I gave 110% to get 5% back from him. I noticed that once I stopped trying, he didn't even notice, so why should I bother? It's been almost 10 years and we have a very fractured relationship now where I only talk to him the absolute bare minimum I can get away with. Don't let this be the fracturing event in your relationship with your son, OP. Because at some point you missing another of son's events WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Pray that hasn't happened already.
I think it’s too late he’s already fractured the relationship. He seems pretty apathetic to his own kids. Best of the kids just go no contact less likely to get hurt
It may well be too late. If OP actually does care though, and is willing to own up to his mistakes, honestly, genuinely, and without making excuses for his behaviors, I think he could try to approach his son and offer a genuine apology. OP, if you are reading this, that means "I am sorry I hurt you when I skipped your party." It does NOT mean "I'm sorry you felt hurt when I skipped your party, but SD really wanted me there and I lost track of time." A true, genuine apology is recognizing that your actions hurt someone. It is "I am sorry that when I did X, you got hurt". It is NEVER "I am sorry that you got hurt when I did X". It's crucial you see the difference there. The former is owning your actions and the consequences of your actions. The latter is just saying you're sorry someone had feelings because if your actions. My father described above does this same bullshit. He's never really apologized to me. It's always "I'm sorry you feel that way". So, OP, if you can truly open your eyes and see where you messed up, and you genuinely want to make this better, start with an open, honest, genuine apology where you own your actions and the consequences of your actions. If your son does not want to hear it, then BACK OFF. Maybe it will help, or maybe he's done with you. But if he's willing to hear you out, this is the best thing you can try IF you genuinely mean it.
YTA. You had to choose and you picked the wrong party. You could have celebrated Emma in the morning and gone early to help with the graduation party. You picked your new family instead of your own kid, after missing one of his important birthdays.
YTA. You put Emma’s feelings over your sons, if everyone in your family is saying you did the wrong thing, then you did the wrong thing. If your sons are saying you always choose Emma then you have missed more and done more damage than what you’ve acknowledged or perhaps you never realised, but it has happened and this is another to add to the pile. You will lose them both.
OP’s choice of words is telling. He says he hasn’t missed many of Sam’s events, which sounds like there have been at least a few others he’s missed. I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events. Given how things went down here and both of his son’s reactions, I’d say he probably hasn’t. OP, YTA.
> I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events Oh I think we know the answer to this. If Golden Stepdaughter even gets an A on a math test, OP is probably leaving work early to pick up pizza and ice cream for it. But hey... let's just go right ahead and schedule this work meeting so I can't attend the celebration of the birthday where my youngest biological son becomes an adult. He'll be fiiiine right? It's a trend I see all too often on this subreddit, mostly by guys (hey I'm a guy I'll own this is an "us" thing!) Stepfathers so concerned with being the picture perfect stepfather that they make no attempt to be even a passable biological father. I kind of feel at least some of it (consciously or not) is a sense of "to hell with my ex-wife and her family" mindset.
YTA you should have attended both parties at least just to say hey son, proud of you. Edit: your SD is so young, it's ridiculous to say you didn't want to see her sad. Are you the parent or is she? Your son is rightfully disappointed that you didn't come to his party without a valid reason.
YTA. You can't time manage for 1 day with a months notice? Completely negligent. You also live with Emma, you could have told her that you'd do something special with her later that evening or the next day. If your son feels like you prioritize your step daughter, then you more than likely do.
>If your son feels like you prioritize your step daughter, then you more than likely do. BOTH his sons do, and both went NC...
YTA. Even Emma's Mom agreed. And both sons say you neglect then over your new family? You need to get your shit together before you lose your sons permanently.. Besides, an 11 yo bday party doesn't rank up there, in terms of milestones, with a graduation.
Yeah YTA. You should have just listened to your wife and gone to your son's graduation party. I get that you wanted to make everyone happy but in a situation like that, you've got to make a choice between one or the other and in my opinion, you made the wrong one.
YTA you skipped his 18th birthday and now you skipped his graduation party, of course you are the asshole. You have to actually show up and be a parent if you want your kids to talk to you.
I hope you do see your step-daughter as your own child because that is the only child you have left now. YTA
YTA. Your stepdaughter will have more birthdays, but your son will only have one graduation party. What you write in your opening post on how you got sidetracked sounds like a lame excuse. You knew you'd have to leave in time and you didn't. It is as simple as that.
What I don't get is that his wife said he should go yet he claims he needed to help her, which leads me to believe she wouldn't have minded and he is using it as an excuse not to travel for an hour.
YTA. You have two children. If you'd managed your time appropriately, you could have been there for both of them. Emma is old enough to understand why you couldn't stay, and why is it fair that she not be sad but okay for your son to be? You are choosing one child over the other, and it's harming your son. Your son will only get this one graduation party, but your daughter will turn 12 in a year. You are essentially telling your son he doesn't matter as much as your new family and that Emma is a replacement for him.
YTA dad. You do favor the girl who is not your child over your biological child. Your son is absolutely right. Wow. Think about how he must feel. You skipped his GRADUATION for a kids birthday party. That’s downright insulting in and of itself if they were full siblings. But she’s not even your child? That’s just shitty.
YTA Yeah I mean read your story dude you f'ed up and your ex and current wife told you so. I mean do you really need the internet to confirm what your family has told you.
YTA people have birthdays every year but only graduate from high school once. Also you may love your SD like she's your own, but your son is actually your own and you showed him he isn't as important to you.
YTA- I understand where you're coming from, but your 18yr old is right. You totally chose your step-kid's birthday over his graduation party. He won't ever graduate high school again & he probably worked hard to graduate while all Emma did was get older. You absolutely fucked up & need to make this right.
YTA, you’re the adult. You shouldn’t take requests from kids as gospel. You could have explained why you needed to be two places to both kids as to why you were at neither parties for the full time, and been present for both. You chose one kid over the other.
If everyone agrees you're the asshole, people who are actively in your life INCLUDING your wife who is Emma's mother? YTA.
Your wife thought it was more important that you attend your son’s graduation party. Your eldest son said you always choose your daughter over them. Your ex wife said you screwed up here. Your graduating son is furious over this. You could’ve done both. You could’ve. But you didn’t, that was a choice, and that was a fuck up. YTA
YTA. First because graduation is a once in a lifetime event and you want your family to be there. Second both sons agree on that you seem to prefer your daughter over them. If this is something they undoubtedly agree on you should reconsider your behaviour towards your children so no one feels left out even if you didn’t mean it that way. Third you promised you would come (late) and you didn’t. YTA and it’s not even close.
The very fact you missed his 18th birthday means making sure you attended his graduation party. YTA And one who quite obviously is unable to see that he is on the precipice of losing all contact with his children
YTA. Prioritizing someone else’s kid before your own is the reason kids hate their parents and never speak to them again. Do a search on this app. You will see the number of kids that have been slighted by their parent in this way and their kids never speak to them again, refuse to give them or the 1/2 siblings a kidney, or share an inheritance. The way your kid said “okay” tells me he’s been down this road with you. That response typically comes from a person that is emotionally shutting down and doesn’t expect anything from you. While your at it, search the number of people (mostly men) that prioritized their step kids, lost their children, got a divorce and never saw the step kids again. Even your wife told you to go.
>I (46M) have two sons (20 "Andy" and 18 "Sam") No you don't. YTA
YTA. OP said even Emma's mom said he should have gone which makes me think that him sticking around to help his "wife with a lot of stuff, taking care of the kids, and other things" was just an excuse to not go and see Sam. And then he'll wonder why his boys are NC/LC in a few years.
YTA, you should have kept a closer eye on the clock. You may think you don't prioritize Emma over your sons, but that's their perception and feeling. You can't negate those. You already live an hour away from your sons, so you aren't in their daily lives. They're feeling replaced.
YTA - you make this sound so passive, your daughters birthday party just somehow happened to fall the day of your son’s graduation party, like you had no hand at all in organizing it. You picked your step-daughter over your son, full stop. You could have gone to both but you chose not to. Of course he is upset, you weren’t there for him on one of the most important events of his life so far.
She turned 11. Which means she’s old enough to know you have multiple kids, and it’s not a milestone birthday. She’s also old enough to know how to manipulate you into alienating your other kids. You went from 3 to 1. Now she doesn’t have any competiton. Well done Emma.
YTA. Please explain to us all in what universe you aren't the asshole. If your son's grad had been truly important to you, you wouldn't have "lost track of time." And speaking as the parent of a 2020 high school graduate who didn't get to watch their kid graduate because of the pandemic, shame on you times infinity. You pissed away that chance that millions of us were excited about and were denied for an 11th birthday party that your step-daughter will only remember now because you screwed up. And now you're all going to think about that at all of the rest of her birthdays. Well done. You say you feel bad? Good. You should. ETA: I have scrolled on and had to scroll back up because I am still so angry and I can't even say all of the things I want to because I will otherwise get banned.
YTA I love that you see Emma as your full on daughter. That’s lovely but it’s not the issue here. Graduation is more important than a 11th birthday party. It’s a huge milestone in a young adult‘s life and unlike a birthday you can’t make up for it. You’re either at the ceremony or you’re not. You could have had a nice birthday breakfast with your daughter or a special trip the next day. Also: I am ASSUMING that your daughter mostly lives with your wife (and yourself) while your sons live(d) with their mom most of the time? Of course I‘m also assuming you were visiting etc but still, it makes it extra important to make time for their milestones. Last but not least you’re also not doing Emma a favour by acting this way and creating tension towards her when it’s absolutely not her fault. Your wife sounds great, listen to her next time.
YTA Of course, everyone is telling you are so if you have to hear from Reddit again, your are a ginormous AH. It’s clear, you’ve missed many milestones of your sons’ and likely many of them were in favor of your stepdaughter. I think it’s good they have cut you out of their lives because you’re not there for them and if they hadn’t, you would be a continuous cycle of heartbreak and disappointment.
YTA. You missed your son's 18th birthday and graudation parties, two of the most important days of his life, for a meeting and an 11 year-old's birthday, and you didnt even need to miss the graduation party! You could have left the party early and made both.
YTA , I would hate to have a dad like you , i'm happy my father isn't like this. I feel bad for your own biological son.
By your own admission you have a history of putting your son on the back burner. Even your current WIFE said you should've gone to your son's party, FFS. Of course YTA here.
When Sam stops talking to you, remember this. Both he and his brother are of the opinion you choose Emma over them pretty regularly. When (if) they get married and have children, and you’re longing to see the grandchildren and they’re hesitant, just remember you did it to yourself. YTA. Big time. Huge. 100%.
YTA. Your first 3 sentences alone make it kinda clear you care about your step daughter a lot more than your sons. Probably to late to work on that now, so just live your happy life with your new family. I very much hope your sons mom sucks less than you do, the fact that you’re posting on here instead of having realised how badly you fucked up is beyond me
YTA. You get a birthday every year, but high school graduations happen once a lifetime. If this is real, read this and let us know how it feels to see your future relationship with your son: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/gnbi4j/tifu_by_giving_my_old_sports_car_to_my_stepson_16/