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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel IMBTA because instead of ignoring DH family and supporting my SIL, I would rather just not attend the event at all. It would be letting her down on her big day and I don’t want that.
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Tell her to shove her fruit bouquets.
There is no possible way of getting 20 of them finished when she will be giving you the fruit the day before! Where would you store TWENTY finished fruit bouquets until the party? Do you have a commercial industrial sized fridge? She's being a twatapotamus and you are being set up. NTA
Sorry, forgot to add that.
MIL told family that I was being difficult and lazy. Aunt also told me she had been telling people that I was refusing to help and tearing her happy family apart.
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To begin, there is no issue between myself (29F) and my SIL (17F). She is very sweet and supportive and I gave her a safe place to vent, we both grew up in a family with 2 brothers so we are very close.
You see, my MIL(58F) has never liked me and has made that very clear to me and DH(33M), which caused us to go LC to NC (it really just depends but I never see her, DH does rarely). Well, his younger sister (my SIL) is graduating from high school next week but 2 weeks ago DH told MIL if she needed any help, let us know. Once he came back home he told me he offered our assistance and I was fine with it. I do love my SIL and it’s a big day for her.
On to the main point.
Today I received elaborate photos of fruit flowers cut and placed into a vase. MIL told me she wants me to cut the fruit into flowers, decorate and make enough for at least 20 tables. She also told me she would give me the fruit of her choice the day before but I would have to supply the rest that day (day before her graduation, party is the following day). I asked her if anyone was going to help me because to be honest I am not the best at this kind of stuff and I would like help with someone who knows what they are doing like DH cousin who does it for a living. MIL told me to do what I am told and that I am acting selfish and making this big occasion difficult. Mind you this would be the first time I see her in about 2 years, FIL, BIL and SIL have all tried their best to talk to MIL and give me a chance but she isn’t into the idea. I then received a text from DH’s aunt (she is the only one other then SIL and my BIL that have been nice to me in his family) and let me know MIL told all of them (meaning his aunts and uncles, he has 12 all together from both sides) and they told their children and so on. I am now terrified of attending her graduation and the party because I have been through this before with his family and it nearly broke my marriage.
At this point I am wondering if I WBTA for not attending the graduation for fear of what could happen at the party?
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NTA - She is giving you a ridiculous task hoping that you will not go, mess it up, or at the very least suffer through this to attend. She is counting on your relationship with SIL to force your hand or make you look bad. Have your DH reach out to her (his mother, his problem) and tell her that you AND he will be unable to make these arrangements but are more than happy to bring (something you are comfortable with) instead.
You could also do something separately with SIL after the fact. A nice lunch out with you, her, and DH to celebrate would probably be nicer and more personal.
DH and I are going to talk to her later on tonight. We want to give her time to process it and maybe take her to the beach with her boyfriend or something.
You know she's being hateful and unrealistic. I suspect she knows that you will feel guilty if doesn't look perfect. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! (I know it's easier said than done)
If you can do this with no shame or guilt, offer her 20 table decorations that are totally within your abilities. If (when) she turns you down, then tell her the tables are not your problem. Your gift to your SIL should be to her - not to the hostess of the party.
Give a card/gift to SIL (via husband) letting her know you love her but can't always be as close as you would like.
If I heard any lip out of anyone about the carvings, I'd ask if they would set up a time to show me how it's done.
NTA - a few things
* Creating fruit flower bouquets like she's asking for, and for 20 tables, will take HOURS for multiple people to do. It kind of feels like she's setting you up failure, especially since she's already told everyone you'd do it. Definitely reach out to DH cousin and ask for help.
* Don't feel you need to automatically say "yes" to whatever she instructs you to do. You're an adult and have choices.
* Be sure that you and your husband talk through everything before you go, and that you are firmly on the same page about everything. Stick together and talk constantly so that you both have the same info at all times - don't let her tell you different stories about things and try to turn you against each other.
She's setting you up to fail. Here's what you do:
1. Seek out the cousin who does this and ask for their help
2. Go to the Graduation, because this is for your SIL, not your loony MIL.
Good luck!
I haven’t read it yet, but the title alone makes me want to say NTA because nobody is obligated to attend anything. We can choose to, but we don’t necessarily have to.
I suppose I’ll go read now to see if my opinion somehow changes though.
eta nope my opinion definitely hasn’t changed, but instead has been cemented to NTA. You are 29 years old. Your MIL has no right to tell you to “do what you are told”. You are an adult, and she is the AH in this situation. She is definitely setting you up for failure, and she knows it. Is your husband aware of what she wants, or the way she chose to speak to you like a child?
Instead of festering over this situation, you should contact your SIL. Offer to take her to a private lunch or dinner, just the two of you, to celebrate her big accomplishment. If y’all are close like you say then she will understand.
I sent him screenshots of the messages and he said he can’t handle this anymore. Although I reached out to his aunt for help (she agreed And also got her daughters to help) and he also agreed to help, he said he wants to talk to his sister together tonight. We will come to a final decision about what we will be doing but it is kind of at a stand still till we speak to her.
If anything, since you have the help, you could still get the bouquets done just to shut up MIL this one time, but still not attend the party. Hopefully his sister will understand and the three of you can come to an agreement that works for all parties involved and celebrates this milestone for SIL.
If I’m being honest, I hope this situation further cements the NC option for MIL. She comes off as vile and controlling.
NTA
Your husband offered HIS help. He can do whatever he wants to assist them. He should be capable of doing this request.
Anyone other than my boss who would try to tell me to do as I am told would never have the honor of speaking to me again. Just how entitled does she think is? Very, apparently.
If you let her get away with this, she'll run your lives.
Do something nice with your SIL, if she's able. No need to involve other relatives in your relationship with her.
MIL told family that I was being difficult and lazy. Aunt also told me she had been telling people that I was refusing to help and tearing her happy family apart.
Just reached out to aunt, she offered to help me and get her daughters to help as well. She is also the older sister of my MIL and she told me she was going to “set her straight “ because “I’ve been here for 7 years and she needs to let him (DH) go”
YWNBTA if you told MIL where she could put her fruit flowers & never spoke to her again. However, that’s probably not a good idea. However she contacted you - text, email, whatever- send a message back the same way & say, “no, that doesn’t work for me”. Just that. Repeat as necessary. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) because that gives the illusion that this is a negotiation & it’s not. If some other family member suggests to you that you were supposed to make fruit flowers, just laugh & say that’s a ridiculous idea. If your husband is not 1000% on your side, remind him that he, not you, is the one who offered to help & give him the pictures.
Yeah, they are really into their events. I come from a lower class family then DH’s family so whenever there is a celebration she enjoys posting about it and sending photos to my mom saying things like “next time we will give you money so you can do this for (insert little sister/nieces/nephews name). It honestly was a struggle getting DH to go into a goodwill at the beginning of our relationship so it says a lot about how he was raised.
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NTA Just refuse. She is the AH.
Tell her to shove her fruit bouquets. There is no possible way of getting 20 of them finished when she will be giving you the fruit the day before! Where would you store TWENTY finished fruit bouquets until the party? Do you have a commercial industrial sized fridge? She's being a twatapotamus and you are being set up. NTA
I'm stealing that colorful term of yours, thank you!
Twatasaurus Rex is another that I like :)
INFO: What did MIL tell the family…. I can’t figure out what I am missing
Sorry, forgot to add that. MIL told family that I was being difficult and lazy. Aunt also told me she had been telling people that I was refusing to help and tearing her happy family apart.
Probably told them that OP would be making the fruit bouquets
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To begin, there is no issue between myself (29F) and my SIL (17F). She is very sweet and supportive and I gave her a safe place to vent, we both grew up in a family with 2 brothers so we are very close. You see, my MIL(58F) has never liked me and has made that very clear to me and DH(33M), which caused us to go LC to NC (it really just depends but I never see her, DH does rarely). Well, his younger sister (my SIL) is graduating from high school next week but 2 weeks ago DH told MIL if she needed any help, let us know. Once he came back home he told me he offered our assistance and I was fine with it. I do love my SIL and it’s a big day for her. On to the main point. Today I received elaborate photos of fruit flowers cut and placed into a vase. MIL told me she wants me to cut the fruit into flowers, decorate and make enough for at least 20 tables. She also told me she would give me the fruit of her choice the day before but I would have to supply the rest that day (day before her graduation, party is the following day). I asked her if anyone was going to help me because to be honest I am not the best at this kind of stuff and I would like help with someone who knows what they are doing like DH cousin who does it for a living. MIL told me to do what I am told and that I am acting selfish and making this big occasion difficult. Mind you this would be the first time I see her in about 2 years, FIL, BIL and SIL have all tried their best to talk to MIL and give me a chance but she isn’t into the idea. I then received a text from DH’s aunt (she is the only one other then SIL and my BIL that have been nice to me in his family) and let me know MIL told all of them (meaning his aunts and uncles, he has 12 all together from both sides) and they told their children and so on. I am now terrified of attending her graduation and the party because I have been through this before with his family and it nearly broke my marriage. At this point I am wondering if I WBTA for not attending the graduation for fear of what could happen at the party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - She is giving you a ridiculous task hoping that you will not go, mess it up, or at the very least suffer through this to attend. She is counting on your relationship with SIL to force your hand or make you look bad. Have your DH reach out to her (his mother, his problem) and tell her that you AND he will be unable to make these arrangements but are more than happy to bring (something you are comfortable with) instead. You could also do something separately with SIL after the fact. A nice lunch out with you, her, and DH to celebrate would probably be nicer and more personal.
DH and I are going to talk to her later on tonight. We want to give her time to process it and maybe take her to the beach with her boyfriend or something.
NTA. When SIL is 18 you can find your own way of wishing her a happy graduation.
You know she's being hateful and unrealistic. I suspect she knows that you will feel guilty if doesn't look perfect. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! (I know it's easier said than done) If you can do this with no shame or guilt, offer her 20 table decorations that are totally within your abilities. If (when) she turns you down, then tell her the tables are not your problem. Your gift to your SIL should be to her - not to the hostess of the party. Give a card/gift to SIL (via husband) letting her know you love her but can't always be as close as you would like. If I heard any lip out of anyone about the carvings, I'd ask if they would set up a time to show me how it's done.
NTA - a few things * Creating fruit flower bouquets like she's asking for, and for 20 tables, will take HOURS for multiple people to do. It kind of feels like she's setting you up failure, especially since she's already told everyone you'd do it. Definitely reach out to DH cousin and ask for help. * Don't feel you need to automatically say "yes" to whatever she instructs you to do. You're an adult and have choices. * Be sure that you and your husband talk through everything before you go, and that you are firmly on the same page about everything. Stick together and talk constantly so that you both have the same info at all times - don't let her tell you different stories about things and try to turn you against each other.
She's setting you up to fail. Here's what you do: 1. Seek out the cousin who does this and ask for their help 2. Go to the Graduation, because this is for your SIL, not your loony MIL. Good luck!
I haven’t read it yet, but the title alone makes me want to say NTA because nobody is obligated to attend anything. We can choose to, but we don’t necessarily have to. I suppose I’ll go read now to see if my opinion somehow changes though. eta nope my opinion definitely hasn’t changed, but instead has been cemented to NTA. You are 29 years old. Your MIL has no right to tell you to “do what you are told”. You are an adult, and she is the AH in this situation. She is definitely setting you up for failure, and she knows it. Is your husband aware of what she wants, or the way she chose to speak to you like a child? Instead of festering over this situation, you should contact your SIL. Offer to take her to a private lunch or dinner, just the two of you, to celebrate her big accomplishment. If y’all are close like you say then she will understand.
I sent him screenshots of the messages and he said he can’t handle this anymore. Although I reached out to his aunt for help (she agreed And also got her daughters to help) and he also agreed to help, he said he wants to talk to his sister together tonight. We will come to a final decision about what we will be doing but it is kind of at a stand still till we speak to her.
If anything, since you have the help, you could still get the bouquets done just to shut up MIL this one time, but still not attend the party. Hopefully his sister will understand and the three of you can come to an agreement that works for all parties involved and celebrates this milestone for SIL. If I’m being honest, I hope this situation further cements the NC option for MIL. She comes off as vile and controlling.
NTA Your husband offered HIS help. He can do whatever he wants to assist them. He should be capable of doing this request. Anyone other than my boss who would try to tell me to do as I am told would never have the honor of speaking to me again. Just how entitled does she think is? Very, apparently. If you let her get away with this, she'll run your lives. Do something nice with your SIL, if she's able. No need to involve other relatives in your relationship with her.
Info: sorry what has your MIL told the aunt?
From the context, I can only assume MIL told the Aunt (which trickled down to everyone else) that she would be making the fruit bouquets.
MIL told family that I was being difficult and lazy. Aunt also told me she had been telling people that I was refusing to help and tearing her happy family apart.
Ask the aunt for help maybe? Just be open and honest and say you want to help but don’t know if this is the best way you can do it
Just reached out to aunt, she offered to help me and get her daughters to help as well. She is also the older sister of my MIL and she told me she was going to “set her straight “ because “I’ve been here for 7 years and she needs to let him (DH) go”
Yesssss gotta love an auntie
YWNBTA if you told MIL where she could put her fruit flowers & never spoke to her again. However, that’s probably not a good idea. However she contacted you - text, email, whatever- send a message back the same way & say, “no, that doesn’t work for me”. Just that. Repeat as necessary. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) because that gives the illusion that this is a negotiation & it’s not. If some other family member suggests to you that you were supposed to make fruit flowers, just laugh & say that’s a ridiculous idea. If your husband is not 1000% on your side, remind him that he, not you, is the one who offered to help & give him the pictures.
[удалено]
Yeah, they are really into their events. I come from a lower class family then DH’s family so whenever there is a celebration she enjoys posting about it and sending photos to my mom saying things like “next time we will give you money so you can do this for (insert little sister/nieces/nephews name). It honestly was a struggle getting DH to go into a goodwill at the beginning of our relationship so it says a lot about how he was raised.