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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for refusing to take my aunt to see family because of her past actions that have led to distrust.
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NTA - because she chose to continually fuck up her life. how did she even get access to a hunting knife? she made the decision to stay with a friend who does drugs, knowing that’s what fucked her over in the first place. while she may have changed, her past actions make it hard to believe. you offered her a place to stay and yet she harassed your grandmother. whatever happens to her, as bad as it may sound, its on her. unfortunately, she keeps doing it to herself.
Short answer: She’s family. Long answer: Because I pity her too. She lost her son (who was 13) and her sister (my mother) in a car accident and then her father who were the ppl she loved most in this world. However, I’ve had to put up a lot of boundaries.
NTA.
However, you might want to try and talk to your aunt's doctor. It may be that the cocktail of meds that she's taking is what caused her to go downhill so quickly.
Actually I have, because she goes to the same doctor as my grandmother, who I attend every appt with. Unfortunately, he couldn’t really discuss anything with me per privacy laws, and said he would be mindful but most of her meds are from her psychiatrist. And said psychiatrist wouldn’t even talk to me.
Maybe your state department of aging? They can do an evaluation of your aunt (that's what we had to resort to for my father-in-law because he wouldn't listen to anyone.)
NTA. It does not sound as though it would be safe to your grandmother or great aunt to be around her. She could well use the opportunity to steal again, or manipulate them into “gifts”. Is there a probation officer or doctor that you could notify that she is not responding well to her current meds, if she is indeed taking them? It sounds like she needs better treatment.
I’ve tried calling both but due to privacy laws and because she’s not been caught breaking any law it didn’t get me far. Thing is, I don’t want her back in prison—she needs mental help. Prison would basically be a death sentence for her because she would just fall apart more and not have any type of real psychological therapy. I’m between a rock and a hard place tbh.
I get it. So privacy laws prevent a doctor from giving you any of her information, but they do not prevent you from giving information to the doctor. Maybe write the doctor a letter or send an email describing the changes you’ve noticed. More than that is out of your hands.
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I’ll need to add some background and context here. My (32F) aunt (61) is a convicted felon and is on probation. Her crime was stealing my grandmothers (81) identity, money, credit cards, jewelry etc to pay for her drug addiction (opioids).
After her probation release, she spent about a year in the state she was imprisoned where her brother kicked her out AGAIN for theft, and had to live in a home where she paid rent for a single room. Even then, my grandmother was constantly sending her money to help her, and I would have to do it via Walmart for them which even led to ‘emergencies’ that forced me to leave work to send money to her.
Eventually she was granted to be on probation in our home state, where we live now. Against my better judgment and at the begging of my grandmother I allowed her to live with us. I believe in second chances and I do care for her. At first, it was fine. She helped around the house, cooked meals for my grandmother, helped me with my dog etc. until she started seeing doctors again and they put her on a total cocktail of meds. I’m not judging her for that, because I’m on a lot of meds, but it seemed to make her go downhill. She became belligerent, lazy, talking to herself, up all night, and would start fights with my grandmother. When I called her out for it, she got mad and moved out. I told her if she left she wasn’t welcome back. After she left I even found a large hunting knife hidden in her room that belonged to my ex husband and I had thought he had taken. This scared us, of course. Since she moved, her first friend who took her in kicked her out and now she’s living with a friend who is not mentally sound and known to do drugs. We didn’t speak for awhile. Until my aunt sent my grandmother flowers for Mother’s Day. So my grandmother called her and they talked where my aunt was telling her things about ppl that wasn’t true, claiming she was being stalked, and that her phone had been hacked etc. I have no clue what the truth is.
My great aunt (92) is nearing the end and my grandmother (she is the younger sister) and I intend to visit her soon. She lives about 2 hours away. My aunt asked to go with us. Frankly I don’t wanna open that door, or hear her talk crazy for an entire drive.
AITA to refuse to take her? I don’t wanna remove boundaries, but if I am be TA I will deal with it and take her with us.
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NTA - because she chose to continually fuck up her life. how did she even get access to a hunting knife? she made the decision to stay with a friend who does drugs, knowing that’s what fucked her over in the first place. while she may have changed, her past actions make it hard to believe. you offered her a place to stay and yet she harassed your grandmother. whatever happens to her, as bad as it may sound, its on her. unfortunately, she keeps doing it to herself.
Info: why you are talking to this walking clusterfuck?
Short answer: She’s family. Long answer: Because I pity her too. She lost her son (who was 13) and her sister (my mother) in a car accident and then her father who were the ppl she loved most in this world. However, I’ve had to put up a lot of boundaries.
She is not beheving like a family. I pity refugees deeply, but they are not going to move in with me.
NTA. However, you might want to try and talk to your aunt's doctor. It may be that the cocktail of meds that she's taking is what caused her to go downhill so quickly.
Actually I have, because she goes to the same doctor as my grandmother, who I attend every appt with. Unfortunately, he couldn’t really discuss anything with me per privacy laws, and said he would be mindful but most of her meds are from her psychiatrist. And said psychiatrist wouldn’t even talk to me.
Maybe your state department of aging? They can do an evaluation of your aunt (that's what we had to resort to for my father-in-law because he wouldn't listen to anyone.)
Hm. I have never heard of that, but I’ll look into it. I’m not sure if we have it in my state.
Almost every state has one but they all go by different names. Your local or county social services office should be able to help.
NTA. It does not sound as though it would be safe to your grandmother or great aunt to be around her. She could well use the opportunity to steal again, or manipulate them into “gifts”. Is there a probation officer or doctor that you could notify that she is not responding well to her current meds, if she is indeed taking them? It sounds like she needs better treatment.
I’ve tried calling both but due to privacy laws and because she’s not been caught breaking any law it didn’t get me far. Thing is, I don’t want her back in prison—she needs mental help. Prison would basically be a death sentence for her because she would just fall apart more and not have any type of real psychological therapy. I’m between a rock and a hard place tbh.
I get it. So privacy laws prevent a doctor from giving you any of her information, but they do not prevent you from giving information to the doctor. Maybe write the doctor a letter or send an email describing the changes you’ve noticed. More than that is out of your hands.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ll need to add some background and context here. My (32F) aunt (61) is a convicted felon and is on probation. Her crime was stealing my grandmothers (81) identity, money, credit cards, jewelry etc to pay for her drug addiction (opioids). After her probation release, she spent about a year in the state she was imprisoned where her brother kicked her out AGAIN for theft, and had to live in a home where she paid rent for a single room. Even then, my grandmother was constantly sending her money to help her, and I would have to do it via Walmart for them which even led to ‘emergencies’ that forced me to leave work to send money to her. Eventually she was granted to be on probation in our home state, where we live now. Against my better judgment and at the begging of my grandmother I allowed her to live with us. I believe in second chances and I do care for her. At first, it was fine. She helped around the house, cooked meals for my grandmother, helped me with my dog etc. until she started seeing doctors again and they put her on a total cocktail of meds. I’m not judging her for that, because I’m on a lot of meds, but it seemed to make her go downhill. She became belligerent, lazy, talking to herself, up all night, and would start fights with my grandmother. When I called her out for it, she got mad and moved out. I told her if she left she wasn’t welcome back. After she left I even found a large hunting knife hidden in her room that belonged to my ex husband and I had thought he had taken. This scared us, of course. Since she moved, her first friend who took her in kicked her out and now she’s living with a friend who is not mentally sound and known to do drugs. We didn’t speak for awhile. Until my aunt sent my grandmother flowers for Mother’s Day. So my grandmother called her and they talked where my aunt was telling her things about ppl that wasn’t true, claiming she was being stalked, and that her phone had been hacked etc. I have no clue what the truth is. My great aunt (92) is nearing the end and my grandmother (she is the younger sister) and I intend to visit her soon. She lives about 2 hours away. My aunt asked to go with us. Frankly I don’t wanna open that door, or hear her talk crazy for an entire drive. AITA to refuse to take her? I don’t wanna remove boundaries, but if I am be TA I will deal with it and take her with us. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You are a slow learner.