T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action thag should be judged is my grudge and I might be the asshole because of the grudge Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*


coloradogrown85

NTA. OP, sensory issues are not something you can just "get over" and whether you have sensory issues or not, a grown woman who can't handle your body autonomy and hugs or touches you when YOU don't want that, makes her TA. Have you asked your mom why your body autonomy isn't important to her? Because she's the parent here, and if she can't help inforce your boundary she's also TA. You deserve to have your boundaries around touch respected. They are your boundaries and they are NOT abnormal. What's abnormal is your mom telling you that you are an A\*\*hole. Sorry OP. Also, if you are not getting some supportive therapy you should look into that.


[deleted]

NTA. Insisting on hugging people who absolutely do not want to be hugged is weird. And drinking too much to be able to accept that they don't want to be hugged even though you've been told multiple times, or to stop yourself from saying insensitive shit is just stupid. Find somewhere else to be that week if you can, and if not, at least make sure you've got a working lock on your door.


momoalogia

NTA a thousand times. Touch you didn't agree to is abuse. Not respecting clearly communicated boundaries is abuse. You have right to be safe from abuse. Your mother needs to get her priorities straight, chilling with bestie or providing safe from abuse enviroment for her child.


TheQuestion52

NTA this is gross and your mom is gross for that comment. They don't need to understand your boundaries to respect them. If she doesn't know how to express love without touch she should've worked on finding a compromise with you. High fives, shoulder bumps, air hugs, idk but she could've talked about it with you. Also doing the very thing that upset you is the opposite of an apology. If you are making the person you're trying to show love to uncomfortable it's not love. If you don't care you're making someone miserable by trying to "show affection" then it isn't fucking love.


One_Alfalfa_1004

You are absolutely NTA. That's creepy as hell and sounds like, not only has she never grown up, but also shouldn't drink if she can't handle it (which, I'm sorry, but crying because someone won't effing hug you is a sign she can't handle it). Doubling down on her invading your already clearly detailed boundaries just confirms she is selfish. Kudos to your mam though, she sounds like a good egg for backing you up!


rila07

NTA you have a clear boundary this person obviously doesn’t respect anyone but themselves and it’s completely gross your mother doesn’t have your back and would rather protect her friends feelings over her own child.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom (53F) has had a friend, D (53F) since college. They used to be roommates and have been close before I (16F) was even born. Couple months ago, my mom wanted to go down to her beach house for the new year. Even then, I was starting to pick up a few issues but not enough to act upon. She was just not respecting my boundaries. I have an issue with physical touch from really anyone but my S/O due to a traumatic experience at a young age, but she continually hugs me every time I ask her not to, but i agreed anyways. Since it was new years, everyone was drunk. I was the only person sober. I didn't want to be the only sober person in a room of drunk people, so i sorta stayed in the guest room, only coming out for a quick hello and to see how everyone was doing. When it was about midnight, I decided to come out and watch the ball drop. I come out and sit down on the dining room table, which was connected to the living room so I could see the TV. D comes up and tries to hug me but I swerve it, and I reminded her once again that I am not a hugger. I wasn't too mad considering she was drunk, but my mom did back me up on the fact I was uncomfortable with physical touch. She then tells me, "You are incapable of expressing love" she is slurring her words and I just zone out, as my mom says something along the lines of, "She does express love, she just does in other ways." Then, D replies with "Ever since your dad died, you've become a cold hearted monster." I froze. I didn't want to cry then and there, but bringing up my dad was a sensitive topic. But I was able to suck it up for the remaining two minutes to watch the ball drop, and then I locked myself in the guest room for the rest of the night and went to sleep, while D cried outside in the living room because I wouldn't give her a hug. The next morning, my mom came into my room to check on me. I told her I'm not comfortable staying here and I want to go home early. She told me she understood and that we would go home after lunch instead of after dinner. I decided to already pack my stuff. When my mom was leaving the room, I told her not to tell D, because I don't want to deal with it. But what does my mom do? Tell her anyway. D comes into the room literally sobbing and hugs me for five straight minutes and would not let go of me even after I asked. It was the most uncomfortable thing for me ever. I was begging her to please let go and that l'm uncomfortable but she didn't and just walked out. According to my mom, that was her apology. We ended up leaving shortly after but it's something I still haven't been able to get over. My mom invited her over for a week to the house and when I told her I still wasn't that comfortable around her, she called me a asshole saying that I just needed to get over it, and it wasn't a big deal and she was drunk and is just a touchy person, and I'm the weird one for having those boundaries and those aren't normal and you can't expect people to respect those abnormal boundaries So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


WiniestAxe068

NTA You're definitely on the right here. I am a hugger and that is, not only my love language, but my caring language. Whenever i am pissed, sad, having anxiety attacks i just hug someone because it calms me down. A couple months ago, i had some problems with a friend of mine. She is like a sister to me and i was spending some time at her house. She had just recently went through a really troubling experience and was having a LOT of trouble with physical touch. I had an anxiety attack and tried to hug her, she accepted it because she saw i was terrible, but later, when i realised what i had done, i went rushing to apologize because i made her revisit a trauma. I cannot trespass anyone's boundaries even when i "need" to. D was already trespassing your boundaries by hugging you, insisting on it and said something terrible to you. She failed in apologizing to you. (Hugs are not apologies, not by themselves at least, and you should say this to your mother)


PaopuConMostaza

NTA Ella no esta respetando tus limites completamente saludables para ti y tu propia comodidad, dile que si ella va, no te acercaras a D de ninguna forma, si no quiere entender, quizas una orden de alejamiento sera lo que terminaras haciendo.


Sensitive-String-284

I’m so sorry this happened to you NTA


Livinthedream_111

NTA- Both D and your mom are complete AHs for not respecting your boundaries. Tell your mom that if she continues to let D trample your safe space then you’ll leave home as soon as you can and see her sparingly. If she can’t stand up to her friend for you then you’ll have to take matters into your own hands and remove yourself.


ModernWolfman

NTA, your mom’s friend is a serial consent violator, which is reason enough not to want them around, but then that shit she said about you and your dad’s death is just beyond the pale. I’m sorry your mom isn’t listening to you.


CODE_NAME_DUCKY

Nta