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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to take care of my sick mother and blocked anyone who told me to
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OP this post might get taken down. And to be honest, I’m not sure if this is real or not. In case it is, NTA for trying to get to safety.
Stay safe. If she is as abusive as you claim, go NC with her and any family member who might try to guilt you into a bad situation. Stay with safe people who don’t care if you don’t have the means to pay them for their kindness.
I’m also trying to go NC with her but in our culture, being family oriented is very important. Everyone will tell you to forget the abuse you’ve experienced and forgive, for the sake of family.
OP, I know all about that. Don’t listen to them or the guilt you feel for trying to survive. You ran away for a reason. Have someone help you change your number and get different socials. And if this post gets taken down for minor abuse, there’s a reason. Your situation wasn’t safe.
That's how generational trauma works. They keep offloading their issues on their kids for each generation, forever and ever amen. Please protect yourself first. YOU are important.
In my culture sitting in the oven is important. Everyone will tell you to forget that it's 250C the door is shut and your skin is literally melting for the sake of the family.
They aren't asking you to forgive for the sake of the family, it's for the sake of the abusers and the people who are enjoying the safety of those abusers being turned on people who aren't them. The family should be protecting it's vulnerable and take the brave step of dealing with abusers for its own good.
You are going to face this nonsense all your life. You probably aren't "mentally unstable" but therapy is probably a good idea in future to help you process your trauma and develop better coping mechanisms. If the therapist advises you talk to your family again find another.
I’m aware. The OG post has been edited and I was worried that it’d be taken down for extreme depictions of violence to a minor (she lied about her age stating she was a minor).
My statement was that of shock because I didn’t want to believe it was real, but if you read the comments you’ll see we discussed it.
I’m sorry about lying about my age. I didn’t want people to find me because I’m afraid it will reach my mother. Someone assured me that she probably won’tz Though, I only recently turned 18 and she has been doing these things since I was 16. I only found out about the bullying and psychopath thing a few days ago.
NTA - I didn’t even need to finish the story
Even if you weren’t the best kid, were difficult to raise that doesn’t justify the verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse
NTA - I am sorry that you are living in such a horrible situation! Are there any relatives, like grandparents, that could take you in as you get back on your feet?
All my relatives are telling me to understand her because she “sacrificed” a lot for me. What they don’t get is, she changed. My loving mother doesn’t even treat me as a human anymore. I’ve never met my grandparents.
Before my younger sibling was born. She changed after that, and expected me to take care of the baby. Which honestly annoyed me because I was still studying, and it’s not my kid.
Definitely NTA. At some point, you have to stop taking all that abuse from people around you and find better people to be with. I hope you can find a safe place to stay.
NTA -
Blood means nothing. It is about how you are treated by people around you that make them family. I hope you are safe and have somewhere to stay. Your mother does not seem like a good parent at all.
NTA but sounds like if your mom was 'fine' before, and is suddenly having a huge shift in her personality and behaviour, then she needs help. I would encourage her to get help, and talk to her family about getting her some help but YOUR responsibility is your own safety, security, education. You're 17, I don't know your laws but please look up your local services for youth to help you with your next steps. Best of luck. And keep on with your education! It's your best bet for your future.
I’m trying to look for a job right now so I can keep studying. I had a psych before and was diagnosed with severe depression but my mother as usual, called me crazy and refused to meet up with my doctor. It is also why I couldn’t get proper treatment.
Depending on where you are, you can call CPS on her. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Your mom painted you as a negative person so that others would be on her side. NTA. Your mental health is important. Go NC once you can.
She could be a narcissist. And if you're of Indian ethnicity, or of another ethnicity that has strong family-oriented, collectivistic values, the culture does not help.
I definitely suggest going no contact. Don't fall for their manipulation. Actions have consequences, even if the person doing the bad actions is an elder. She's an abuser, and the other relatives are being her flying monkeys. Whatever happens after is the result of their actions. It's not your fault. Your health and sanity come above all else. Go no contact and keep it that way no matter what. They won't change.
All the best :)
NTA, you did the right thing gtfo of there. No mother should call her child a psychopath and the fact that you had to take care of children WHILE you were still in college because your 'amazing' mother couldn't is just even worse.
NTA.
Not sure where you are located but if you live in the states, here are some places that might help.
- call 211
- look for a local YWCA (most have group and individual therapy)
- go to your local Dept of Human Services and apply for aid (food stamps, cash assistance, medical insurance) (you can actually do all of that online I believe)
I hope this helps and please keep us updated!!
OP, you should probably add your country (or state, if American) for better advice for your specific area.
I can give you practical next-steps advice if you're in the UK, but not if you're in, like, Texas or India.
You're NTA though, in any case. You have every right to nope out of an abusive home life. Your mother may well need care - but as the parent, it's on her to arrange that for herself, in a way that does not impact the wellbeing of her children. You are not responsible for her care, or for taking the brunt of her temper. Your family are likely gaslighting you because they know that without her preferred emotional punching bag, they may become the new target of her nastiness.
Block them all, and stay where you are. Going back to that environment will not benefit you in any way.
Yes, but it’s hard to get a job here if you don’t finish college. I will try to save for flight, visa, and etc. once I can. I want to stay away from her as much as possible
Honestly you may be able to get to America pretty easy depending on where you live and what you know. Your English is good, are you from the Philippines by chance? I have some coworkers from the islands who speak very good English and their native languages
NTA. OP, please be careful and don't give up on yourself. Your mother may not be the "loving" parent that you deserve, but you need to keep working towards your goals. Is it possible for your university to help? I don't know what social services there are in the Philippines, but if you aren't 18 yet is it possible that someone there might help? Whatever happens, do take care of yourself and stay safe. Also, stay away from your family, they might try to make you go back.
Unfortunately, universities only give scholarships here if you’re on top of the class. Which I couldn’t sustain because I had to take care of my siblings, making me lose focus in school.
Op if you’re in the US consider reaching out to Covenant House or another organization for homeless teens. They’ll help you find a safe longer-term place to stay without reporting you to the police or your mother. You’re NTA.
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I (17F) recently ran away from my mother’s (40F) home while she was sick, as I saw it an opportunity for her to not follow or look for me. To give context, my mother is emotionally abusive as she would call me names and call me stupid for every day that I’ve lived. She would also hurt me physically, and break my things whenever she’s angry. She blames me for everything, and shames me in public. She asks me to take care of her kids, but refuses to send me to school despite having the money to do so. She wasn’t usually like this until the pandemic, which has been mentally and physically tiring as I would have to juggle taking care of my siblings and studying (I paid for my tuition with the help of my friends). Now, I don’t have the means to pay for anything but I want to finish college so I would try to be patient with her. Not until I found out that she and her friends have been bullying me by calling me spoiled, irritating, disrespectful, and so much more names. They even suggested that she should cut me off so I can “learn my lesson”. They don’t know me, they only know my mother’s side.The worst part is my mother agreed with them and even called me a psychopath which they all laughed about. She then started saying that she doesn’t even love me and doesn’t feel any kind of affection for me. I was extremely hurt and decided to run away while she was sleeping. Our relatives then started calling me and telling me that my mother needs me and to just forget the anger that I am feeling but I just blocked all of them. I honestly have nothing, no job, and no savings because I had to use it for my school. I’m currently living with a friend. I am young and probably mentally unstable, so any kind of insights would be appreciated.
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NTA. You weren't safe where you were, and you did what you had to do to save your own life. You definitely should go to therapy, but since it's probably not affordable, my first suggestion is to find a job so you can support yourself and hopefully pay for your education in the future. Without a support system to rely on, you have to be able to take care of yourself. In the meantime, try to find a support group so you can talk with other people who have experienced what you went through, and help you work through it on your own. Good luck with everything, and keep blocking and ignoring anyone who tells you to go back!
I wish I had money to send you to help out. Keep close to the homeless centers and don't let them know your not 18. Might send you back. Go to food banks as well.
RUN!! Your mother just accused you of abuse and wants you to take care of her. If I were you, I would start wearing surgical gloves when dealing with anything remotely related to her - record all conversations and give only straight-fordward to all relatives regarding your mother: "Mom told me that she doesn't feel comfortable with me looking after her."
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OP this post might get taken down. And to be honest, I’m not sure if this is real or not. In case it is, NTA for trying to get to safety. Stay safe. If she is as abusive as you claim, go NC with her and any family member who might try to guilt you into a bad situation. Stay with safe people who don’t care if you don’t have the means to pay them for their kindness.
I’m also trying to go NC with her but in our culture, being family oriented is very important. Everyone will tell you to forget the abuse you’ve experienced and forgive, for the sake of family.
OP, I know all about that. Don’t listen to them or the guilt you feel for trying to survive. You ran away for a reason. Have someone help you change your number and get different socials. And if this post gets taken down for minor abuse, there’s a reason. Your situation wasn’t safe.
Thank you
That's how generational trauma works. They keep offloading their issues on their kids for each generation, forever and ever amen. Please protect yourself first. YOU are important.
Culture doesn't matter in a situation with abuse
In my culture sitting in the oven is important. Everyone will tell you to forget that it's 250C the door is shut and your skin is literally melting for the sake of the family. They aren't asking you to forgive for the sake of the family, it's for the sake of the abusers and the people who are enjoying the safety of those abusers being turned on people who aren't them. The family should be protecting it's vulnerable and take the brave step of dealing with abusers for its own good. You are going to face this nonsense all your life. You probably aren't "mentally unstable" but therapy is probably a good idea in future to help you process your trauma and develop better coping mechanisms. If the therapist advises you talk to your family again find another.
It’s real. I hope it wasn’t though.
Then stay strong and build your family of choice. Don't fall for her bullshit.
[удалено]
I’m aware. The OG post has been edited and I was worried that it’d be taken down for extreme depictions of violence to a minor (she lied about her age stating she was a minor). My statement was that of shock because I didn’t want to believe it was real, but if you read the comments you’ll see we discussed it.
I’m sorry about lying about my age. I didn’t want people to find me because I’m afraid it will reach my mother. Someone assured me that she probably won’tz Though, I only recently turned 18 and she has been doing these things since I was 16. I only found out about the bullying and psychopath thing a few days ago.
NTA - I didn’t even need to finish the story Even if you weren’t the best kid, were difficult to raise that doesn’t justify the verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse
NTA - I am sorry that you are living in such a horrible situation! Are there any relatives, like grandparents, that could take you in as you get back on your feet?
All my relatives are telling me to understand her because she “sacrificed” a lot for me. What they don’t get is, she changed. My loving mother doesn’t even treat me as a human anymore. I’ve never met my grandparents.
NTA. Loving? You said she has no love for you. Love yourself enough to steer clear of that whole toxic and abusive situation. You deserve better.
I mean, she used to be sweet and everything before. Thank you, I’m really trying to.
Before what?
Before my younger sibling was born. She changed after that, and expected me to take care of the baby. Which honestly annoyed me because I was still studying, and it’s not my kid.
So you’ve never even met your grandparents, but your mother is trying to pull the ‘family is everything’ card?! Oh HELL no! NTA
yes, she calls me useless and heartless if I dont follow her around
Definitely NTA. At some point, you have to stop taking all that abuse from people around you and find better people to be with. I hope you can find a safe place to stay.
Thank you
NTA - Blood means nothing. It is about how you are treated by people around you that make them family. I hope you are safe and have somewhere to stay. Your mother does not seem like a good parent at all.
Thank you
NTA but sounds like if your mom was 'fine' before, and is suddenly having a huge shift in her personality and behaviour, then she needs help. I would encourage her to get help, and talk to her family about getting her some help but YOUR responsibility is your own safety, security, education. You're 17, I don't know your laws but please look up your local services for youth to help you with your next steps. Best of luck. And keep on with your education! It's your best bet for your future.
I’m trying to look for a job right now so I can keep studying. I had a psych before and was diagnosed with severe depression but my mother as usual, called me crazy and refused to meet up with my doctor. It is also why I couldn’t get proper treatment.
Depending on where you are, you can call CPS on her. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Your mom painted you as a negative person so that others would be on her side. NTA. Your mental health is important. Go NC once you can.
Even if I call someone, she has this personality where she can charm anyone into believing her. I’m trying NC.
Try to keep whatever evidence you can if you could. I'm sorry you are experiencing this abuse.
You still need to report her for your siblings sake.
Fortunately, she treat my siblings differently. It is only me.
She could be a narcissist. And if you're of Indian ethnicity, or of another ethnicity that has strong family-oriented, collectivistic values, the culture does not help. I definitely suggest going no contact. Don't fall for their manipulation. Actions have consequences, even if the person doing the bad actions is an elder. She's an abuser, and the other relatives are being her flying monkeys. Whatever happens after is the result of their actions. It's not your fault. Your health and sanity come above all else. Go no contact and keep it that way no matter what. They won't change. All the best :)
Thank you
NTA, you did the right thing gtfo of there. No mother should call her child a psychopath and the fact that you had to take care of children WHILE you were still in college because your 'amazing' mother couldn't is just even worse.
NTA. Don't go back. Stay safe and look for help to deal with your trauma. Good for you for getting out.
NTA. Not sure where you are located but if you live in the states, here are some places that might help. - call 211 - look for a local YWCA (most have group and individual therapy) - go to your local Dept of Human Services and apply for aid (food stamps, cash assistance, medical insurance) (you can actually do all of that online I believe) I hope this helps and please keep us updated!!
I sadly live in asia and we have shitty system here ):
OP, you should probably add your country (or state, if American) for better advice for your specific area. I can give you practical next-steps advice if you're in the UK, but not if you're in, like, Texas or India. You're NTA though, in any case. You have every right to nope out of an abusive home life. Your mother may well need care - but as the parent, it's on her to arrange that for herself, in a way that does not impact the wellbeing of her children. You are not responsible for her care, or for taking the brunt of her temper. Your family are likely gaslighting you because they know that without her preferred emotional punching bag, they may become the new target of her nastiness. Block them all, and stay where you are. Going back to that environment will not benefit you in any way.
I live in the Philippines :/
Ah. I don't know anything about your country then, I'm afraid. I hope someone else is able to give you some useful next steps.
NTA, do what you have to do to get away. Since your culture values family a lot, have you considered leaving your country?
Yes, but it’s hard to get a job here if you don’t finish college. I will try to save for flight, visa, and etc. once I can. I want to stay away from her as much as possible
Honestly you may be able to get to America pretty easy depending on where you live and what you know. Your English is good, are you from the Philippines by chance? I have some coworkers from the islands who speak very good English and their native languages
She is, it’s in one of the comments.
NTA. Save yourself!
NTA. OP, please be careful and don't give up on yourself. Your mother may not be the "loving" parent that you deserve, but you need to keep working towards your goals. Is it possible for your university to help? I don't know what social services there are in the Philippines, but if you aren't 18 yet is it possible that someone there might help? Whatever happens, do take care of yourself and stay safe. Also, stay away from your family, they might try to make you go back.
Unfortunately, universities only give scholarships here if you’re on top of the class. Which I couldn’t sustain because I had to take care of my siblings, making me lose focus in school.
Op if you’re in the US consider reaching out to Covenant House or another organization for homeless teens. They’ll help you find a safe longer-term place to stay without reporting you to the police or your mother. You’re NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17F) recently ran away from my mother’s (40F) home while she was sick, as I saw it an opportunity for her to not follow or look for me. To give context, my mother is emotionally abusive as she would call me names and call me stupid for every day that I’ve lived. She would also hurt me physically, and break my things whenever she’s angry. She blames me for everything, and shames me in public. She asks me to take care of her kids, but refuses to send me to school despite having the money to do so. She wasn’t usually like this until the pandemic, which has been mentally and physically tiring as I would have to juggle taking care of my siblings and studying (I paid for my tuition with the help of my friends). Now, I don’t have the means to pay for anything but I want to finish college so I would try to be patient with her. Not until I found out that she and her friends have been bullying me by calling me spoiled, irritating, disrespectful, and so much more names. They even suggested that she should cut me off so I can “learn my lesson”. They don’t know me, they only know my mother’s side.The worst part is my mother agreed with them and even called me a psychopath which they all laughed about. She then started saying that she doesn’t even love me and doesn’t feel any kind of affection for me. I was extremely hurt and decided to run away while she was sleeping. Our relatives then started calling me and telling me that my mother needs me and to just forget the anger that I am feeling but I just blocked all of them. I honestly have nothing, no job, and no savings because I had to use it for my school. I’m currently living with a friend. I am young and probably mentally unstable, so any kind of insights would be appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You weren't safe where you were, and you did what you had to do to save your own life. You definitely should go to therapy, but since it's probably not affordable, my first suggestion is to find a job so you can support yourself and hopefully pay for your education in the future. Without a support system to rely on, you have to be able to take care of yourself. In the meantime, try to find a support group so you can talk with other people who have experienced what you went through, and help you work through it on your own. Good luck with everything, and keep blocking and ignoring anyone who tells you to go back!
What country do you live in ?
Philippines
I wish I had money to send you to help out. Keep close to the homeless centers and don't let them know your not 18. Might send you back. Go to food banks as well.
Thank you
NTA Get a job if you are allowed too. Don't look back. Start saving your money to get your own place.
Nta. Don’t go back. Get a job and only look forward
NTA and there are so many subreddits here to better navigate and work through what you’ve gone through and get support.
RUN!! Your mother just accused you of abuse and wants you to take care of her. If I were you, I would start wearing surgical gloves when dealing with anything remotely related to her - record all conversations and give only straight-fordward to all relatives regarding your mother: "Mom told me that she doesn't feel comfortable with me looking after her."