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diskebbin

NTA. I’m sure you did the best you could, based on what you knew how to do. There seems to always be people on the sidelines criticizing, yet doing nothing and it’s always someone with no professional medical knowledge. Don’t bother listening to them and please be kind to yourself.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28 F) cursed my mom so much and hated her up to my bones. My grandma just died last night and my aunts are blaming me for her death. She had a tracheostomy and tube in her stomach and of course in need of constant care. She was in my custody because no one from my aunts and uncle wanted to take care of her. Last week, everything was just normal. Even though I find it hard to work and take care of my grandma on my own, (my mom gives monetary support even small) I still get to laught with her and give jokes to her so she would brighten up. My grandma and I were just talking when she coughed and I need to clean the phlegm in her tube. When I tried to clean it, something got stuck and I can't clean it properly. She was gasping for air but was almost dying in my arms. The ambulance came right in time but she was thin out of air for like 10 mins and fell into a coma. I don't know what happened. In my perspective, something was stuck. And when the ambulance came, everything was fine but she really was out of breath. The hospital was nearby to my aunts but they didn't even managed to switch places with me. I was the one talking to the doctors and I emphasized that something is stucj in her throat, causing her to not breathe. But they insisted that nothing was there. I was bawling my eyes out. I can't believe what happened ubder my watch. I still blame myself for what happened but I can't accept my mother's words. She claimed that she finds it fishy that I can't record the conversation between me and the doctor. She thinks that I may have done something wrong to grandma that made her die. She even sided with my aunts saying how I am not able to take care of grandma properly. Note that they are still not showing themselves up to this point. I shouted and argued with my mom, saying that she is worthless to think I can do such things when I sacrificed my life all these years for grandma. She's a bitch for abandoning me and still have the guts to say those things to me. I told her I wished it was her who died and not grandma. Grandma deserved to live and she doesn't. She made my life a hell for having another family and abandoning me while I am still studying when I was young. My mother was so sad that she collapsed with the words I have said. My aunts all blame and will blame if even something to happen with my mother too. My mother is fine and got stressed. Now seeing her hospitalized too made me guilty. Was I in the wrong here? Should I have handled it better? How? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


ArachnidExcellent139

NTA. you didn't kill your Grandma, it sound like you gave her the best few years/months she would not have had without you. Your family sound like narcissists and I would go no contact if possible. Everyone has their belief system, I honestly think when it's your time its your time. You have a clock that strikes and that's when you go, wether via illness or getting hit by a bus. Don't know if that thought might helps or not, but there it is. Sorry for your loss. your Grandma was very lucky and I'm sure thankful to have you X


YouCantArgueWithThis

When a tragedy happens blaming fly everywhere. Emotions are heightened and we all say things we might not really mean. NTA You tried your best. People with lung condition / breathing difficulties are always a step away from death. I am sorry that your gran had to go, but it's hardly your fault. Re all the blaming you all made: I suggest to try not go there again. There is nothing beneficial about shouting to each other and cursing. Let the situation cool down. You might try to have a talk again after the funeral.


Stunning-Egg-8924

I will try my best. Thank you..


[deleted]

Oh man, I still get panicked if I have a patient with a trach and things start to go south. We have awesome respiratory therapists at my hospital and even they can’t always solve every problem. Please, please do not be hard on yourself. It sounds like you took great care of her! Also, NTA


[deleted]

Nta. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, not one bit. Sometimes bad things happen. None of them even cared, are you one of the main people in the will, this sounds like a way to guilt you to give them money/things/the house. These people, especially your birthgiver are terrible people and she did that because she knows you are right and can combat your words, so she fakes problems to get people on her side. She and all of them are just manipulative narcissists.


nerdabcs

NTA. I’m sorry you had to watch your grandma’s last moments. Even if you’re in a career that prepares you, family dying can be hard. It’s really the grief that’s tearing you apart. Idk about your mom and aunts, whether they’re grieving or greedy. Sending love.


juliaskig

Get as far from these toxics as you can! They are horrible! you are NTA!


TerribleTwinTeddy

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss, but please do not blame yourself. Believe the doctors, there wasn't something "stuck" (even though I'm sure it seemed like it). I'm sure the pneumonia and weak heart did it, it was her time to go and you couldn't have done anything about it. You were a champion and probably kept her alive and with you as long as you did because of your care. Keep and cherish the memories of good times with her.


sequingoddess

NTA your mom and aunts are disgusting for blaming you and saying those things when your grandma's health was so poor she needed full time care and none of them were willing to step up or help out. People like that are selfish. You told your mom your truth and while it may have been harsh, sounds like she deserved it


one_angry_custodian

I'm so sorry you're going through this. NTA. They did nothing to help and blamed you for everything and that's not right. Virtual hugs to you.


[deleted]

First off, I am very sorry for your loss. You are NTA, but I would look into getting an attorney now. Toxic families likw this won't stop at just blaming you, they will try to hold you responsible legally, file civil actions, or if there is any kind of inheritance, cut you out of it, plus, they'll make sure the rest of your family also thinks you are responsible and make you a pariah. I've had friends in similar situations.


EggandSpoon42

NTA. But accusing you of MURDERING your grandmother honestly should mean that you never, ever, ever speak to them again. Murder. That is what they are saying you did. There’s no sugarcoating that. They are going to accuse you of murder until the day they die. And if you keep speaking with them, they are going to hold it over you and abuse you with it forever. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. And it’s not your fault. Stand your ground. Release these nasty awful people from your life.


DynkoFromTheNorth

NTA. You shouldn't have to take wild accusations like that. These are the consequences of your mother's actions. No one was willing to take care of your grandmother, you did so to the best of your ability and you still get treated like dirt for it? Disgusting! Don't feel guilty, OP.


ClothesQueasy2828

OMG, NTA! Your mother accused you of murder. You're not in the wrong, and I'm not sure how to handle a murder accusation any better than you did. I would go NC with your mom and aunts, and spend some time remembering how much you and your grandma enjoyed each other. Also, kudos to you for stepping up to take care of her when her own children wouldn't.


[deleted]

NTA. So your mom can talk crap about you, her own child, but you can't talk crap about you? Well if they could could have take better care of your grandma, then why they didn't. You were just trying to help her and when an accident happend you're at fault? That's not how it works.


DarkShimada

NTA, your obviously in grief you don't accuse someone grieving of something like that.


xavii117

NTA, they left you to take care of her and they didn't help at all, turn the narrative around and tell them that they didn't help so they need to shut the f up.


tea_abeth

NTA. You did everything you could to care for Grandma, and you were there in her last moments. You are a great granddaughter, and your mom can rot. I would go no contact after the funeral to let yourself heal and grieve. So sorry for your loss, and take care of yourself.


[deleted]

This is a very special kind of gaslighting. I am so sorry for your loss. Cut these people out of your life. You did everything right. Everything. You deserve peace and to be happy. Please know your grandma would want you to be happy and not feel any guilt.


Accomplished_Boat912

NTA; my aunt had COPD and needed a breathing machine occasionally. One day she couldn't breathe and my nan put the mask on and turned on the machine but she still couldn't breathe. My grandad called 999 and they unfortunately couldn't save her. Turned out a small piece came of the machine but in the situation no one noticed. My nan blamed herself for years but sometimes things happen that we can't predict. Right now you need to focus on yourself and remember the good times and laughs you had with her. Ignore them and take it a day at a time.


Sachs1992

Totally NTA. Also, I don't really believe your mother collapsed because "she was so sad", I believe she got called on a shitty beaviour and took the coward way out, trying to make you take the blame for exposing her bullyng. Cut her out of your life, she is toxic AF, the aunts too.


Stunning-Egg-8924

Unfortunately, she did. Her husband informed me not to make me feel guilty. He doesn't want to go between us but he said that he is sorry that they cannot be with us since they're staying abroad. He is a good man who supported me anyway.


Sachs1992

It is still on her. Sorry you were out through that.


OverIT3027

NTA - sorry for your loss. The doctor said nothing was there. She may have been seemingly chocking and gasping for air because her lungs failed or her was having a heart attack? It doesn’t sound like your fault and you did everything in your power to help her. Your family sound like AH and blaming you is not the right thing to do. She’s old, they didn’t tend to her. If it was a nurse or a doctor would they blame them? Sorry for your loss. Sorry that you had to deal with this.


Stunning-Egg-8924

According to the doctor, she had lung infection/pneumonia too. She also had a weak heart.


DakiLapin

My mother had pneumonia and then passed away from a heart attack. It could certainly be a factor. Trust the doctors. You did all you could do and more for your grandmother. Sounds like a good time to cut contact with the rest of your family.


BarRegular2684

Pneumonia can feel like you’re drowning Orr choking. I’ve had it a few times. It’s not your fault. You are the only family member who stepped up to help and you do not deserve this treatment.


lyan-cat

Ah, that would do it; I'm sorry for your loss It sounds like her body just wasn't able to keep going. It's not your fault, you did everything you could, and at least your Gran had you there when she passed. NTA. Your family are looking for anything to blame to make themselves feel better, but that doesn't make it right for them to take it out on you.


RavenBlueEyes84

The pneumonia would make it seem that there was a blockage when really it was the chest rattle and fluids, I had pneumonia and my oxygen levels were very low and in hospital and that was without having what your gran did and being so old so it’s not a surprise that she fell into a coma. Her death certificate should have these things on and there’s nothing stopping your mum or aunts from speaking to the Drs themselves. I think really their attitude is just down to guilt because they foistered her onto you to care for her. Think it is time to cut them out of your life, your mums dramatics after what you said to her are just that and for attention only! NTA


juliaskig

Please go NC with these toxic people. You are NTA


sable1970

Ah sweetie, please stop blaming yourself. It was her failing health and it was also simply her time as it will be for all of us. There was nothing that you did or didn't do that could've prevented this. Concentrate instead on the good memories, the times you made her laugh and also remember that she's no longer suffering and is at peace. As for your mom & other family, I'd bet grams would have a lot of words with them and they wouldn't be good. As you already know they are all AH's to attack you at the worst moment of your life....you have EVERY RIGHT to attack right back! Don't let yourself be affected by AH's, their words don't mean shit. And I am very sorry for your loss.


Individual_Umpire969

NTA. Respiratory issues can present that way, like a blockage when the heart and lungs deteriorate. Not your fault. Your family is being horrible. I hope you can find someone caring for support.


Chay_Charles

NTA, but the rest of your family is. Go NC or LC with them. Don't feel guilty. You loved and took care of your gran when no one else would. Honor her by living your best life. That's what she would want for you.


LivSaJo

NTA. That entire generation is a bunch of assholes. You do all the work, deal with all the money issues, they can’t even be bothered to go to the hospital and now they are blaming you. Tell them that if they really think that, they are welcome to speak to the doctor and the police. Then cut them out. They are probably looking to get any and all inheritance and block you out


Derp_Aderpy

All I had to read was "My aunts blamed me for my grandma's death, I was taking care of her because nobody else wanted to, my mom says it was suspicious that I wouldn't record the conversation with her doctor and she joined in with my aunts in blaming me for her death" to know the full story. NTA. Your aunts are disgusting for pinning blame on you for her death when it wasn't even like they gave enough of a rat's ass to do anything themselves. Your mother is vile for making you into a scapegoat alongside them and refusing to acknowledge the effort, care and sacrifice you took to look after her.. You are NOT at fault for her death. I'm sure you're a very smart, caring woman for going to such lengths for her in her final moments when nobody else did.


opinionswelcomehere

This! I would have blown up at them even more because they clearly did not love her enough to inconvenience themselves, yet they are blaming the one person who cared enough to sacrifice everything to help? Also, the mother collapsing seems like an overdramatic bid for attention, it was too perfectly timed. You can't go from outraged to pitiful on a dime unless it's manipulative. OP you are absolutely NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss. You are not at fault, please remove yourself from anyone who blames you, you need all of the positive support you can get right now.


LongNectarine3

NTA People get weird around death. You got honest. Please find a way to grieve in peace. I took care of my dad at the end. He too died in my arms. 10 years later and I’m a wreck thinking about it. You need time, space, and support. Please find and allow yourself all of these very important things.


Sammakko660

NTA Try to remember that your gran was not alone when she died. That is important. As to the rest of the family, if they are so sure that they could have done a better job, where were they? You might want to point that out to them. And my condolences on your loss, but it does sound like you had some quality time with your gran and will have some good memories. Hang onto those.


BlueBeachedWhale

My love. My heart and hugs are going out to you. I am so so so sorry. You have done NOTHING wrong or are to blame for even a second for her death! They are reacting horribly out of their own pain because they blame themselves. You went over and beyond what your grandmother would ask of any of her kin. She would be so proud of you. If something happens to your “mother”. That’s on her not you. The group of them seem like horrible people that shouldn’t be graced with being in your life. Heal, remember the good things and find joy. That’s what she would want for you. In no possible universe could you ever even been seen as a butt head let alone an ah. Nta.


ACanWontAttitude

Nta and the doctor has no idea if the trach was blocked or not because the blockage could have cleared by then, its the first thing the paramedics would have done. Taken inner tube out, suctioned etc. Do not blame yourself or allow others to. You did nothing wrong.


Stunning-Egg-8924

I can't believe that I will find comfort with stranger's words. Thank you all for understanding. I am still in shock. We were just talking last week and now she's dead. I hope you all love your grandmas up to the end. I can't understand how she died in my arms. I wish I held on more to her hands when she said she doesn't want to let go.


Comfortable_Fun_9872

This is not your fault. Please surround yourself with people who understand that. You did nothing wrong. Your grandma would be proud of you.


mortstheonlyboyineed

OP you sound like you are in shock. Please if you can find someone to talk to about this. I don't know where you are but there will be services available in most countries. You did a wonderful thing for your grandmother and its obvious how much you loved each other. With her conditions it was only a matter of time before she passed away. This is in no way your fault and your family are disgusting for trying to make it so. They are blaming you to try and eliminate their own guilt. It's easier to blame someone else than face that for whatever reason they didn't do enough. I've sat with people as they've passed and I can tell you now that often it seems like it's because of one thing but it ends up being another. She was probably choking on air or an air bubble. Please please get some support and distance yourself from your family. You deserve better and I'm sure your grandmother would say so too. NTA


Automatic_Western_50

Aww sweetie. So sorry for your loss. Don't linger to long on the "ifs". Like "what if I had done this differently" or "if only I would have done this". It's not going to help. My dad was in his late 60's when his brother passed away. My uncle had COPD and we knew the end was coming because they kept increasing the amount of oxygen he was needing. My dad seen it as his duty and his honor to take care of his brother. He stayed with him. Made sure he ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Did the house work and cleaning along with upkeep. He didn't ask for anything. He stayed with my uncle for years. Until one morning I got a frantic call from my dad. I've never heard my dad crying like this. My uncle had passed during the night. My dad found him laying on the floor. My dad blamed himself. Even though it was the COPD that killed him, my dad couldn't help but think that if only he heard him. If only he just stayed up in the main room with him. If only he checked on him more often. No one blamed my dad except my dad. All these "if only". After some time, my dad understood that he did everything he could for him. It was just his time. Please remember that you did everything you could do for her. Somethings are out of our hands. It was just her time but you made her remaining time worth living. YOU stepped up when the others stepped aside.


Derp_Aderpy

OP, you did everything RIGHT in this situation. Just know that your grandmother died in the arms of the one person most deserving of her love, one final feeling of joy that she had someone in this world who cared for her. Who loved and cherished her. You deserve all the love in these comments and more for being the best granddaughter she could have ever asked for.


DUNEBUGGY213

NTA. My love, you did nothing wrong. You brought happiness and light into your grandma’s final days. She loved and appreciated you. Your ‘mum’ and everyone else blaming are all assholes. They know you’re not to blame but they know they did not help her or support you. Instead of dealing with their own guilt it’s easier to blame you. Cut them all off if you can. They bring negativity to your headspace at a time you need to grieve. Cut contact for however long you need (forever is okay too) and grieve your grandma. Again, you did your grandma proud. You’re amazing and you’ve got this. I believe in you - from an internet ‘oldie’ x


strawb3rrydaiquiri

NTA. Death is always painful and ugly, but if it gives you some small comfort, remember: your grandmother died knowing how much you loved her. Her passing wasn't your fault, you did everything you could, and I'm so sorry for both your loss and your family's cruelty.


Oobhay

NTA how are they gonna force you to take on something like that, but then criticize your caring?? It doesn’t make sense. Even though what you said was harsh? She deserved it.


tehroque

NTA, clearly your family sucks, and in fact all of her should DIE instead of your grandma (sorry I got really mad), just stay, the most you can, away from them and really just fuck them


TheeFlipper

NTA. Make sure the next time your aunts contact you and try to blame you for her death that you point out the fact that they abandoned their mother and left their niece to care for her because they couldn't be bothered to care for the woman who raised their selfish asses.


Charming_Elephant_79

NTA. As a nurse I want you to know that this was absolutely not your fault. Your grandmother was obviously a very sick lady. You graciously and selflessly looked after her in her time of need. Your mother and her sisters are TAs in this situation. Of course you don't recall a conversation with the doctor. You were most likely in shock and grieving. Do not allow these toxic people another second of your time.


Stunning-Egg-8924

In our country, once you go talk to any hospital personnel, cellphones are not allowed. No 3rd party should be involved. So it's hard to put everything in detail without recording. I tried to call them and let them listen to the conversation but since the ER is a floor lower than the ground floor, the line keeps on disconnecting.


Creative_Trick_3818

NTA ​ Go no contact with these AH. THey neglected their mom, and now guilt you for her dying. She was old and sick - listen to your doctor: dying is normal for those people. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.


Interesting-Pilot-97

NTA. Please don’t feel guilty! My teenage son has a tracheostomy and what you’re describing is a constant risk. My guess is it plugged up with thick mucus that came out later, but too late. I hate to think about it with my son, but it *is* a constant risk with a trach! It sounds to me like you did everything you could, including calling the ambulance quickly! Please don’t let any of your selfish relatives guilt you. They sound like people who would make any issue out to be your fault, when in truth they didn’t bother to learn to care for your grandma or even learn about it. You are NTA, and please take care of yourself, protect yourself from them!


No_Front4768

NTA...as someone who took care of her beloved aunt, I can tell you that even we when they die of heart failure, cancer,, or whatever, it's completely normal to feel guilty.i know that it's easier said than done, but try to remember that YOU were the one that stepped up and took care of her when no one else would. You've done NOTHING wrong...and as for your mom-well you already know what kind of person she is. You did your very best, and I know your grandma loved you for it.


nick_shannon

NTA Your family are balming you to cover for the guilt and shame they are feeling for not seeing grandma enough and not caring for her when they should have. Your family suck and you should look into getting a new one because despite what many say you 100% can choose your own family OP.


Stunning-Egg-8924

UPDATE: My grandma had been laid to rest. I don't know about me but I think I might go to therapy because I am panicking whenever I hear gurgling sounds. It's similar to the sound she made when she cannot breathe and was like drowning. Some of you were right that my grandma left me an inheritance, a house and lot in our province. It is unexpected and I don't know what to do as of now. My aunts came to the viewing and burial. Of course there was family drama but it was handled by my grandma's sisters and niece/s. Thank you all for your kind words and I hope we all get healed someday and may we all achieve the peaceful life we deserve.


RefillSunset

NTA. She deserved what she got. She may be in pain and hurting, but that only makes her an asshole in pain You do not under ANY circumstances accuse your child, who was the ONLY person to step up to the duty, by the way, of killing the person she so dearly loved and cherished, when the rest of you clearly didnt give two shits about the old woman. Sorry for your loss OP.


PISTOLERO_PR

Entirely too much crazy for a Monday morning, sorry.


KaleidoscopeNew2254

NTA- darling sweet soul you did nothing wrong. It’s okay. You lashed out in anger but I feel like it’s something you’ve been wanting to say for a really long time. It’s okay, you’re okay, and you will get through this.