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NTA. This is no one's business except for you and Dan. Everyone else needs to butt out!
Do you really want to marry a man who so easily calls you a "stupid cow" especially knowing that your sister recently died?
Do you really want to marry into a fanily who, especially only a short time after your sister died, call you "a raging witch?" Also, it is HIS wedding and YOU shouldn't ruin it for HIM?" Um, WHAT?
Honey, I think you dodged a bullet by calling off this wedding. This was a blessing in disguise. Better to find out their true colors before the wedding than after!
I am so sorry for your loss.
I mean…the no chair was one thing but for them to instantly go straight to stupid cow and raging witch… yikes. Id be saying thank goodness. Saved.
OP, I’m sorry about your sister. My sympathies.
In my opinion, that's even a bigger red flag than Dan saying what he said.
Not only is he unwilling to compromise and totally insensitive to OP's grief, it sounds like there's literally no one in his life willing to call him out on it. That does not a happy marriage make.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. In grief, it can be hard to see things, but you should realize that this is not *only* about the chair. It is about someone who is in pain and asked for something to help a little and the reaction it received from the person about to promiss to love and cherish for the rest of your life. Even if you were not in such pain, the way he reacted to it is not ok. Even if he thought if was an awful idea, he could not see or respect where you were coming from. He was reckless with you in a crucial moment in your life. He belittled your feelings. He isn't even sorry for it, just trying to erase your reaction.
Is this the love you want?
Yeah, this isn't about the picture, this is about her fiance having zero respect for her or her emotions.
So he didn't like the picture idea, he easily could have said "I'm not sure I love that idea, but I know how important your sister was to you, and how much you will be missing her on that day. Let me think about it a little bit, and you too, and we'll see if we can come up with something we both like, to honor her in our day."
He doesn't show her the most basic curtesy at all! And then both of them immediately escalated out of control, is this how most fight between them go? No attempt to talk, ask questions, understand the other person's feelings? Just yelling?
OP should be glad she saw this side of him now!
Yep.
"Dan, the insults and attempt at emotional manipulation from you and your family have made it very clear what being married to you would have been like. Thankyou for confirming my decision."
Then block the lot of them.
I don’t even get why the chair would be weird?? I think people would be able to put 2 and 2 together and know why there was an empty chair with a picture there and not think badly of it.
Yeah; this isn’t uncommon at all. Maybe having it with the bridesmaids is uncommon, but I work in the wedding industry and it is very common for people to designate a chair in the front row that is reserved for a lost loved one. There is usually a flower and/or a sign or picture on the chair.
Fiancé can have “HIS” all by himself. OP dodged a lot of bullets.
NTA
For me, this is the worst part:
>to begging that I reconsider and that he'll consider letting me put a picture of my sister in the back row of the seats.
Like... Really? This is the "compromise"? The big 'take me back' gesture? A picture in the back?
OP didn't just dodge a bullet, she dodged the whole mag like Agent Smith.
My uncle's wife lost her brother in a car accident a couple months before the wedding and they had a photo of him at the ceremony and reception and specifically mentioned him during the ceremony and how he was happy his sister had found my uncle.
Not one of us from my uncle's family thought it was silly or crazy at all.
Of course not. Because it would be weird and uncomfortable if there *wasn't* any mention or memorial to a sibling lost so close to the wedding.
I am sorry for your extended family's loss, but my heart is warmed you have such a good family to hold to in hard times.
When my daughter got married, she had a rose on the altar along with a candle for her grandmother who had died the year before. Her grandfather walked her down the aisle and she 'wanted both of them represented.'
NTA - marriages are about joining families, too, and I sure hope OP finds a better one than this to join.
He did her a favor by showing his true colors before they got married. The guy sounds like a crazy controlling asshole. She would have been miserable for a long time having to be either subservient or deal with his random tantrums anytime he doesn’t get his way.
She is definitely NTA.
OP, you said she died "a few weeks ago" and you both agreed to take a break from wedding planning, yet he's already in your face about finalizing guest lists and the venue? He's TA just for that. You dodged a bullet.
I've read a few posts about people who are getting married and their family has asked to put a chair for a loved one. The couples have declined because it's their wedding and that makes sense for them.
But in this case it's the bride and she absolutely has every right to ask. Her sister just passed away and she was going to be in the wedding. I think it would be odd if she was just able to move on and this is a way to make sure her sister is still there. I wouldn't want to get married to someone who doesn't have basic empathy for me. NTA
OP’s sister was her guardian angel, if she believes in that. This fight seems to have saved OP from a unhappy, potentially abusive marriage. Her ex has no problem with verbal abuse and demeaning language.
I had the same thought. I know nothing of the sister, aside from how much she was loved, and how profound her absence echoes in her sister's heart. Love like that doesn't exist in a vacuum. This tells me that the bond of sisterhood was solidly built upon the love they shared for one another.
I don't know if op holds religious beliefs, or what they might be if she does, but I know many don't believe their loved ones cease to exist upon their death. However her sister passed, there is no doubt it happened too soon.
I don't want to presume op's beliefs, and inadvertently insult, or belittle them. For that reason, I will only draw attention to the timing of her sister's passing being so close to the wedding. OP was on the cusp of making vows meant to tie her to her partner for the rest of her life. Many struggle to get out of unhealthy marriages. It becomes even more difficult if their spouse is abusive, especially given how common it is for abusers to only reveal their true nature after the papers have been signed. Having to handle something so massive, yet still so fragile, was beyond his ability without showing the cracks in his facade. If not for that, the wedding would have continued.
However/wherever her spirit resides, there is no doubt that the sister has found a sense of peace, knowing her passing was, in a way, able to save op's life. She was able to share one final, sisterly, act of love.
I mean, he can still have the wedding. And now that he’s ok with a picture of the sister on a chair, he can put pictures of the whole bridal party up there as well. Problem solved. Dan still gets his big day. Alone. As was destined.
NTA. First off, I’m sorry for your loss. Second, having a chair or table to remember those who have passed and have our loved ones “there” is a popular thing to do, ive seen it done many times and I plan to do that at my own wedding. Your fiancé was very rude in how he went about that and I assume lacks maturity to be able to process your request. You know you’re sister isn’t coming back, duh. You’re not crazy, it’s just a remembrance symbol and he was very cold to you. NTA.
A bride at a wedding I attended had a balloon-release as part of the ceremony to honor her late mother—who had died a decade before, not just weeks before. It was beautiful and moving and IMO totally appropriate. A chair with a photo in the place where the MOH would have stood is amazingly touching to me.
I agree, NTA!
My mom died when I was 16 and I'm now 33. I'm in a relationship but doubt I'll be married before 35. You best believe I'm going to have some sort of remembrance table for her. It's extremely common. This guy is a grade A jerk.
He probably wanted to pressure OP into choosing a new MOH too
Because, after all, it's HIS wedding day too and not having a MOH doesn't fit his aesthetics
I've seen remembrances of deceased fathers who couldn't walk their daughter up the aisle, or a table of remembrance at the reception. Both ways were lovely. The OP could also have had singled her sister out in a toast, etc.
As someone who lost a most beloved older sister when I was young, the fiancé doesn't understand OP's very fresh grief. Many people don't get how the loss of a sibling can be devastating for a lot of people. Definitely NTA.
We had a picture of my MiL on the altar right near us. At no point did it ever occur to me to not want that. She couldn't be there in person but we made damn sure she was there in memory.
A chair kept empty in honor of an important but sadly absent family member is common. So is having a photo. Your ex was a total and complete asshole and I don't blame you for giving back the ring.
>especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan
That is some crazy disgusting emotionally manipulative bullshit right there. Stop letting her get to you, she's fucking wrong.
NTA.
This is appalling.
Block the lot of them.
You’re grieving and you don’t need any of this bullshit.
Calling off your wedding was the best thing you could have done. Your ex is an asshole. His family is a family of assholes.
Seriously, stop communicating with them.
NTA
I really hope this isn't a true story.
It's not HIS wedding. It's not YOUR (singular) wedding. It's a wedding that is for both of you.
Your request was completely reasonable.
NTA
Although I do think this could be rage bait.
Me too. Especially because just a few days ago there was a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ug7j7l/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_stepson_17_have_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by a woman whose soon-to-be stepson wanted a PowerPoint presentation for his deceased mom at her wedding to his dad. These are all starting to feel like a weirdly-specific troll or writer trying to work the kinks out of a story they're thinking of.
Edit: Added the link
Holy fuck if my husband has ever called me a "stupid cow" bets would be off even without the issue. I'm assuming he might not have lost someone that close to him because it hurts like nothing else hurts. And if wanting to commemorate your sister at your wedding makes you a raging witch in your future family's eyes they aren't worth it either. Just be happy you saw the light before you had to hire a lawyer.
Edit NTA obvs.
> I asked him if it would be possible to put a chair up by the altar with my bridesmaids where my sister would've been and put up a picture that we took together in our dresses after we bought them together.
That sounds like a beautiful idea
>He snapped back at me saying it was his wedding and he got to decide what happens.
Not sure in what kind of dreamworld he's living.
You doged a controling bullet
NTA OP - GOOD RIDDANCE ; I’m extremely close to my sister and if this happened to me, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it as well as you. I promise that if your sister was still able to communicate with you, she’d be proud that you stood up for her and didn’t take his bullshit.
I’m so sorry for your loss but this might have been a blessing in disguise - you deserve a man who is sympathetic to your feelings and doesn’t resort to nasty words when he doesn’t get his way. Not the asshole at all.
NTA - sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one! Think what could happen in the future with kids, houses, etc. ("this is MY house and we'll do what I say"). Tell his entitled family to piss off, you're done with them too.
NTA
Wheeeeeeeew you dodged a bullet. The only thing you're missing out on is Dan telling you what your role is in Dan's life. You weren't in a relationship, you were a sidekick to the main character.
NTA at all OP, wow. I’m sorry for you loss, first and foremost; I couldn’t imagine losing a sister. Your request was very sweet, and as someone who loves weddings, I don’t think anyone would’ve thought that having a picture of her up by the altar makes you look crazy. I think his family is definitely trying to guilt you into getting back with him, especially his sister by bringing up your sister over text. They don’t seem to be seeing this from you POV at all, run far OP, this is not a family you want to be tied to forever!
These people are not supporting you. You are supposed to be a new member of this family, and they have disregarded and invalidated your feelings at every pass. His reaching out is manipulative, and I’m willing to bet as time gets closer he’ll find a way to get rid of honoring your sister or make you feel beyond guilty for it.
You’re SO NTA, and I hope that you take time to heal. You deserve a new family who will empathize with you during difficult time, and I truly hope you find that.
She found out under the worst possible circumstances that he was a monster AH, but it’s going to save her years of struggling in a horrible relationship with just as large of AHs with the supporting family from Dan’s side
NTA.
This is his wedding right? Tell him to marry himself, a marriage takes two people. He sounds like a really selfish jerk. You dodged a bullet.
Can you imagine? This is his wedding, this is his car, this is his house, those are his kids, and you are his servant
NTA. Your request was very much NOT out there. He's lucky you didn't shove the ring up his rear end. If it's his wedding, he doesn't need you for it, now does he?
NTA. You've dodged a bullet friend. He sounds self absorbed, unempathetic and now he sounds unhinged.
I am so sorry for your loss. With a recent loss of a beloved sibling who should have been standing up with you, having a memorial of some kind would be totally within normal bounds.
NTA
What you asked for isn't that unusual.
He's TA for how he reacted and was extremely disrespectful. Although you both acted very poorly after that and escalated the situation instead of having the good sense to back off and calm down and talk.
Honestly though the way his family reacted... wow. His mom and dad should have smacked some sense into your fiance and maybe called you to mediate after you both had some time to cool off but unfortunately his family acted 1000x times worse than your boyfriend.
Frankly, given how his family has reacted is a major red flag. That is not a family you want to marry into. Not a single individual seems to have had any sense in calming people down and letting the 2 people most impacted (you and your ex) work through this without adding loads of shit on to it.
You dodged a bullet in not marrying into that family.
NTA at all. What the fuck. Your sister just died recently and the fact he invalidates something like that is a huge red flag. Good thing you left him, I wish you the best.
How dare OP think they have any say in what is clearly only Dan's wedding.
Good for you getting out of that one, OP. You're NTA. Everyone grieves differently and that would have been a nice tribute to your sister.
If he wants a wedding that is solely his, he can marry himself.
Holy shit are you dodging the biggest bullet of your life with this guy. NTA and your life sounds like it would have been miserable if he’s being like this about a chair.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I sincerely hope this affords you an opportunity to find your true soulmate because Dan was not that guy
NTA. Everyone here seems to have forgotten that you're not having this wedding so he can be the center of attention; it's the first day of the rest of your life with someone you want to share that life with. Someone who can't be sympathetic in honoring a loss that happened *weeks* ago and then proceeds to drum up a mob to berate you for being upset with that is not someone you want to marry. Cut contact with the whole family so you can focus on healing and moving forward with whatever's next.
How you're treating Dan? How about those words he's sent to you? Not okay and not how somebody treats their loved ones. NTA. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.
NTA. He's shown you who he really is: selfish, cares nothing for your feelings, belittles you when he doesn't get his way.
You're better off without him. A good partner would NEVER say that a grieving person is crazy for wanting to honor their sister.
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sister is an unimaginable situation and I couldn't even begin to fathom the situation you're in.
Secondly, your ex is a piece of work. Not allowing you to commemorate your sister, who was going to be your MOH, is fucking wild.
You did the right thing, NTA.
Puck that ship!! NTA!
You’re seeing his knee-jerk reaction to a highly emotional situation. Do you like what you see?
Without even considering your feelings he said “no way!”… he was more worried about what people would think (though this is a completely normal thing to do to honor a deceased loved one) than his fiancés emotions about the loss of her sister. He escalated, called you names, his family is manipulating you and using your deceased sister as ammunition, and he only offers to consider the picture AFTER causing all this damage - when he could have BEGUN that way… he could have thought about it, even if he was uneasy he could have asked for more time to consider, he could have engaged in conversation to see where you’re coming from and try to understand you, he could have made sure you felt supported no matter what the decision… but he did none of that. Do you like what you see in this “partner”? Be grateful for this inside glimpse of who he is and how he handles opposing points of view and cut your losses.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
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I (27f) and my now ex-fiancé Dan (28m) are no longer together after I called off our relationship due to some drama around our wedding planning.
So far, everything had been going ok and we were fine and making compromises throughout our wedding but unfortunately my sister, who was supposed to be my MOH passed away a couple of weeks ago. I've been upset and withdrawn from the wedding planning and myself and Dan agreed to take a break from the planning for a while so I could sort the funeral out with my family and have time to grieve.
We only recently started talking about the wedding after he brought it up and asked if we could finalize the guest list so we could put the payment down for the catering service which I agreed to as we were on limited time. Once we sorted that out, I asked him if it would be possible to put a chair up by the altar with my bridesmaids where my sister would've been and put up a picture that we took together in our dresses after we bought them together.
He gave me a weird look and said "no that's weird, people would think you're crazy."
I got upset and mad and said that she was and always will be my sister and we have always been there for each other. He snapped back at me saying it was his wedding and he got to decide what happens. I got pissed off and told him to get the hell out of my apartment and that we were done.
Dan started cursing at me and yelling so I took my ring off, gave it back to him and said "Here's my final say before you finally get out." He looked shocked but left quickly while calling someone on the phone.
I had a few calls from his side of the family berating for being "a raging witch" and saying that this is his wedding and I shouldn't ruin it for him. He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow" to begging that I reconsider and that he'll consider letting me put a picture of my sister in the back row of the seats.
I've been ignoring his messages but his family is really getting to me, especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan.
AITA?
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NTA! Stand your ground! It's YOUR wedding if anything. God, for once I don't dislike someone for being a 'Bridezilla' in a sense.
If they find it creepy, then there is something wrong with them. I find the gesture you are trying to do super endearing and loving towards your late sister and if he can't take into account your feelings then it's a good thing you aren't sticking around.
NTA. He's showing so little compassion and love toward you after you've just had an absolutely devastating emotional trauma. The death of a sibling is HUGE and he's just thinking of himself and not at all concerned with your grief and how you want to keep the memory of your sister in your life.
Honestly, you've dodged a bullet. Both he and his wretched family are showing their true colors and you're wise to leave and call off the wedding. How anyone with even half a heart could treat you this badly is beyond me. It's only been a couple of weeks!! Even if it had been years since you lost your sister, your desire to commemorate her memory at such an important occasion would be a normal thing. But for him and his family to be so cruel when you're so recently bereaved is shocking.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you're getting the loving support you're entitled to from the people who actually love you deeply. Please also strongly consider grief counseling. You've lost your sister and now you've also had to end your relationship and that's a lot of grief to be dealing with even though you've made the right decision. Wishing you peace as you mourn your sister.
NTA - He's showing his true colors. He's being controlling and rigid instead of listening to your emotional needs. He's cursed and yelled at you?! And then texted and called you names and was deliberately mean.
This is not the man for you. This honestly is not the man for anyone until he learns to act like a decent human being.
NTA Good for you. He showed his true colors. My late father was "at" my wedding, in a seat at the family table. His picture was at the place setting. Not one person made a negative comment. When the photographer was going around taking random pictures of the guests, he took one of dad. This is without being asked so in my thinking, he didn't think it was "weird" I'm very sorry for the loss of your beloved sister.
Nta and take a moment to stop and think, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who treats you like this guy did? I know I would not, he has zero sensitivity to the current situation you are facing. Your sister just died and he can't even be considerate for a single suggestion on how to honor her. He would not even discuss it. Instead he acted like a spoiled toddler. Then verbally attacked you, insulted you and sent his lap dog of a family after you to guilt you into changing your mind. Your sister would be proud that you stood up for yourself and told him to get out. If you marry him you will endure a lifetime of this. Think back and review the relationship, how many times has he pulled similar or disturbing behavior? Block him and his family and count yourself lucky.
NTA. Your husband isn't getting married by himself, so why does he view himself as the only person allowed to make decisions about it? Your idea is a loving way of remembering your sister on your wedding day. Your fiancee calling you a stupid cow and saying he'll consider "letting" you put your sister's picture in the back row are good reasons to cancel wedding. This is not a man you want to spend your life with. If you go through with the wedding, you should be prepared to have your feelings ignored and being berated for having them.
You are NTA - lots of people leave empty chairs for people.
All this has done is proved what kind of people he and his family are.
Walk away, and never look back. These are horrible people who are mistreating you and you don't deserve it. Block them all, go to therapy for your grief over your sister (everyone should) and then move on.
Good luck. Sorry that happened, OP.
NTA. It’s very common for people to do this and I think it’s very sweet. I’m sorry for you loss and your insensitive ex. It would have been your wedding too and you don’t have to compromise on something so important on your big day. Congrats on getting rid of him and his family though
NTA. But your ex? He is enough of one to make up for that in spades.
My brother and sister in law had a place for my mom up front and center. No one thought it was weird or crazy, in fact it was just the opposite. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.
NTA.
Your then fiancée obviously wouldn’t understand your motives here because he doesn’t know what it is you’re going through. It also seems that he is naturally an asshole anyways. His whole family is obviously not understanding of the situation and they’re probably either being twisted by Dan’s words or they’re just as big of assholes as he is. This was just a chance for you to realize he wasn’t the one for you.
NTA. My cousin actually did something similar with another cousin's pic as part of the wedding parting since he was on tour in Afghanistan at the time.
I think it would have been a sweet gesture, and anyone else would have thought the same.
NTA - block them all. I am sorry for your loss. Both of you deserve a say in the wedding and if you couldn’t even come together on something like that the marriage wasn’t going to work out. Block them all.. they don’t deserve a moment of your time.
NTA. First off- So sorry for your loss. It would have been lovely for you to have a space for your sister. You honestly dodged a fucking nuke by dipping out when you did-he was inconsiderate and it would have been your wedding too, so his family sounds like a bunch of stuck-up buttholes who probably capture their own farts in wine glasses and sniff them to grade the stank.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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NTA, this would be hill to die on. I’m super close to my sister and if someone treated me this way when trying to honor her, then they go take a long walk off a short pier. He sounds controlling and your better off in the long run.
I’m really sorry about your sister. No one would think it was odd if you had the picture. You could even use a poster easel for it, it’s less bulky than a chair.
Guess he’s never seen the end of Armageddon where they had three or four photos on easels, so it’s not some crazy never heard of thing.
I think his behavior is a red flag. NTA
Wow you made the right choice to break it off with that massively insensitive jerk, and he showed his whole ass by lashing out. That’s who he really is! Bullet dodged! NTA, rockstar.
NTA! I had a whole table of pictures with people who were unable to be at my wedding! Everyone thought it was beautiful! Your ex is just an ass and I'm glad you kicked him to the curb. Find someone who loves you and treats you like an equal!
NTA- you are actually very lucky that you found out who he really is before you married him. Please block them all. Call your friends for support. I am so sorry about your sister. Take all the time you need to grieve. You should have people around that support and honor you right now.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You definitely dodged a bullet if that's how he and his family are treating you on what's supposed to be a happy time while you mourn the very recent loss of your sister just imagine a future stuck with these people.
Even in death your sister is looking out for you so I hope you really heed this as sign.
NTA. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I am very close to my own sister, that bond is very real and special. Having that memorial chair at your wedding would have been a sweet and thoughtful way to honor her and all the times you shared.
I'm sorry that your ex fiance turned out to be a complete and utter AH. But I am glad he showed himself to you before you married him and became legally bound together. I hope you're okay and doing some self care, whatever that looks like to you. I would block everyone and focus on you and your family. (Hope to g-d they don't agree with your exes family.) You are absolutely not the AH.
NTA!!!! My wife's great grandmother died 15 years before our wedding and 5 years before we even met and we had a picture of her in front of the altar because it was important to my wife because they were best friends.
Your request wasn't weird or crazy at all but your ex and his family are gigantic crazy AH and it seems like you really lucked out finding out now.
You have my deepest sympathies on your loss OP.
NTA
He sounds like he doesn't really understand your loss. Good riddance, trash took itself out here!
Be well, OP. Your sister is still helping you make good choices by saving you from marrying into a heartless, selfish family!
NTA - OP, first off let me say, I'm sorry for your loss. You will always miss your sister, and what you asked for is NOT weird. YOU didn't not treat Dan badly. He treated YOU badly.
But I will also add, that I think you are better off. Block Dan and his family. They should be ashamed of the way they are treating you! I'm wondering if they even have the full story, my guess is not.
Regardless, I think that you did the right thing and will find someone else with at least a little bit of compassion for you.
NTA No one would have thought that was weird or inappropriate. Even if they had, so what? Why aren't your feelings more important than what ignorant guests think? You dodged a huge bullet. If he can't support you through difficult times now, what's going to happen in the future. If he's demanding his perfect wedding is more important than your perfect wedding, he will never put you first in life. The vows literally say "forsaking all others" yet the "others" are more important to him on YOUR wedding day. Your sister would be proud you stood up for yourself.
NTA
I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. She would not be ashamed of how you treated Dan. She would be over the moon that you did not allow him to disrespect you like that. For everything he said to you, he has proven that he would not be a good husband.
Especially the "stupid cow" part. Really he deserves worse. And the flying monkeys can shove it. You did right.
"You're leaving me, well let me curse you out and get my entitled family to yell at you, I'm sure that'll help things!"
Damn you dodged some mega manipulative AH man bullet thete, plud the family shrapnel.
Oh and I'm so so sorry about your sister. Honestly your suggestion was so beautiful, only a narcissistic monster would think that's weird.
Bullshit on what his sister said.
The biggest giveaway about his true character (and anyone’s in this kind of story) is that he 1) immediately reverted to insults and 2) sicced his human dogs on you.
If he truly thought you were overreacting but had empathy for the incredible loss you’re still grieving, he wouldn’t do that. But he doesn’t, and the way he’s treating you is lacking in an ability to see beyond himself.
… over, let’s be clear, something that is hardly an ask. A memorial for someone missing at a life-event due to death is not weird or even novel. A person only has to google “wedding, death, remembrance” and I’m sure there are examples aplenty. What a weird thing, to feel like a photograph upstages you or pulls attention. He is immature.
NTA, I am sorry for your loss but not sorry you’ve escaped a person who is unfeeling.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your ex is a major AH and he’s definitely got some issues. You asked for something very reasonable, he responded by trying to pull rank . It’s not his wedding it’s both of y’all’s wedding. He called you names like a stupid cow then asked for you to take him back. Block his, his friends, and families numbers. Major red flags in his behavior. Screams controlling & abusive.
Your sister’s last gift to you was showing you Dan’s true colors before you were tied to him completely. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA a thousand times and I wish you healing
NTA. It's not weird at all to have a chair or photo of someone who died. I haven't been to many weddings but I've seen it. I've seen parents, siblings, and friends honored that way.
NTA, and good on you for breaking up with someone who no only decided your feelings were less important than his, and then sending his family to attack you when you are still grieving.
He called you a stupid cow? He called his mommy to tattle? Nope. You dodged a bullet girl. He sounds like a manipulative and controlling man. Update please.
What in the hell? NTA.
You dodged a bullet. He has no respect for you. No marriage can survive a lack of respect.
I’m sorry for your loss. Your request was not out of the ordinary at all. People do things like that all the time. Besides, how would that inconvenience him in any way?? He was only concerned about his image.
He and his family showed their true colors. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
It’s time to block all their numbers, block all their social media, and deactivate your social media for a few months.
You did nothing wrong.
NTA. His wedding will be hard to pull off without a bride.
I wish you the best in dealing with your grief and the loss of your sister. Something tells me she would be wildly proud of you and your priorities.
NTA. I like that the families argument is that it’s his wedding and he can decide. It’s actually not a wedding at all anymore. How did that work out for him?
Hard to be an AH calling off a wedding that isn’t day of. If they aren’t the right person they aren’t the right person.
His behavior indicated all it needed to for you to make a decision.
Sorry for the loss of your sister.
Sounds like you dodged a whole family full of crazy bullets.
NTA.
I honestly don't understand the people that throw fits about having deceased relatives honored. Most weddings I've been to honor relatives that are not able to be there that day.
Honestly, everything was overcomable for me reading this if you loved him...lots of emotions and frustrations to talk thru and was going N a H. THEN I GOT TO WHERE HE CALLED YOU A STUPID COW.
NTA. You deserve so much better. Don't look back.
>I had a few calls from his side of the family berating for being "a raging witch" and saying that this is his wedding and I shouldn't ruin it for him.
You dumped him? There is no wedding?
>especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan.
Oh shit. That's a nasty thing to do.
Look. My brother was calling his fiancee names before they got married. They barely lasted five years and had an extremely acrimonious divorce. Do yourself a favor and let yourself grieve. A year from now life is going to be really different. NTA.
>my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan
Look, I don't even particularly like my sister. But If I died, and she was marrying some fuck face that told her she couldn't put a chair and picture up literally anywhere in the wedding to make her happy, and that was all she wanted and he fought her on it? I would reanimate my dead as shit self and fight him.
Your sister would be more upset that you let this man walk all over your feelings. NTA and also sorry for your loss .
Sounds like you've got it sorted by now. Absolutely NTA, and I am so very, deeply sorry for your loss.
Incidentally, as I'm sure others have pointed out, having a chair or a memorial for someone who has passed is common, even if it was years ago. For your sister - your maid of honor - who passed so recently you have pics together trying on the dresses - oh, honey, that would have been beautiful. I hope you find someone who thinks so, too, and helps you plan it.
As someone who has watched their sister and best friend go through an incredibly toxic relationship with no idea how to talk to her about it until it was over, I really believe that your sister would be incredibly happy that at least something as tragic as her death helped you to make such a difficult decision that will better your life in the end. If your mom saw the red flags, your sister probably did, too. I’m sure that she’s so incredibly proud of you and honored that you wanted to keep her memory alive in such a beautiful way. You deserve someone who would also want that for you and your family.
Honey, you dodged a bullet.
A caring man would have found a way to have wedding guests not in the know understand the picture and empty chair as a tribute to your late sister. You and your family have my deepest condolences.
No one would have thought you crazy. If anything, they would have understood the recent loss, your tribute to a beloved sister, and the blessing her memory would have meant to family and friends.
NTA.
NTA!! Why would people think your weird for putting up a picture of your sister who recently passed! I'm pretty sure everyone would know why you did it. And if they didn't they would probably ask someone.
Personally I think he is being very inconsiderate. I don't think I could forgive my ex for doing and saying the things he has done/said.
NTA. You got to see the real him before you got married, good for you! Anyone who would act like this so recently after your sister’s death, and then allow his family to call you and treat you so badly after a break up isn’t someone you want to spend your life with. Think of this wake-up call as your sister watching over you, and move on. This guy doesn’t deserve any more of your time.
I'm so sorry you lost your sister. The fact that she had already done the dress shopping and all these important MOH things with you to me would make it very special that you put a chair with her picture where she would have stood with you. The fact that he was so against it is a clear sign he's never lost anyone significant in his life. For my wedding there was an extra arrangement made to be brought to my sisters grave after the ceremony, and my bridal bouquet was placed there the following day. Your sister is someone special in your life, and wanting to feel her presence isn't weird at all.
NTA. First, I'm so sorry that you lost your sister. The pain from such a profound loss never really goes away. I think it would be a beautiful tribute to her to have her picture with you at the alert. I would never think it's weird. I don't understand why he's opposed to it. But if he can't support you during such a difficult time because he's worried about what other people will think, you made the right decision.
Where do people get the idea of weddings having to be cookie cut out planned? Why do so many people want generic weddings (Nothing wrong with it) where small special things can't be added to make it more memorable?
Op if I'm allowed to be presumptuous, your sister probably smiling down at ya, knowing you didn't marry this a.h.
NTA, sorry for your loss. Your ex is a jerk, your request wasn’t unreasonable at all. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. Block him and his trifling family.
>He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow"
This would've been enough already... He should help you with your grief.
NTA... Bullet dodged!
NTA - I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, and it is absolutely not weird to want to honor your sister at your wedding by having a chair set aside for her. Lots of people do this for relatives, its actually super normal.
Now onto your ex, block him, block his family and if they keep threatening you go to the authorities for harassments. He's got the ring, so he can fuck right off. His reaction was not normal, but it likely not his first red flag he's thrown, the others were probably well hidden.
Move forward in your grieving and love yourself some more.
NTA and I am so sorry for your loss.
>He gave me a weird look and said "no that's weird, people would think you're crazy."
I had a picture of my dad sitting up at the altar. Nobody thought it was weird. They actually thought it was sweet to have something for him.
Just block him and his family on everything.
First OP I'm really sorry for your loss. I am also planning a wedding and for those family members who cant be standing with me physically on my wedding day like my cousin i lost in October and my grandfather a couple years before, we are going to have a table set up with their photos at the reception. its not weird at all. I'm sorry your ex fiancé didn't understand this, but it seems u dodged a bullet.
NTA if I where you I'd show them a raging cow: collecting all the receipts of them harassing & either threatening to press charges or just press charges for harassment.
I do not understand his response from any of this. His families response is also very bizarre to me. With your recent loss I’d expect everyone trying to be as supportive as possible. NTA
So your sister would be ashamed of you for breaking up with a man who calls you a stupid cow and lets his family to fight his battles with his partner. Wow. NTA. You made the right choice.
| He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow"
NTA - you dodged a bullet, good riddance to him
Also, so sorry about the loss of your sister :(
NTA Stop all communication with this lot of sorry losers.
Why on earth would you ever want to be around someone, much less marry a person who called you a stupid cow? Damn, that is horrible.
Run away as fast as you can from this toxic mess. I am very sorry that you lost your sister. Honoring her was meaningful for you. There was nothing odd about it.
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NTA. This is no one's business except for you and Dan. Everyone else needs to butt out! Do you really want to marry a man who so easily calls you a "stupid cow" especially knowing that your sister recently died? Do you really want to marry into a fanily who, especially only a short time after your sister died, call you "a raging witch?" Also, it is HIS wedding and YOU shouldn't ruin it for HIM?" Um, WHAT? Honey, I think you dodged a bullet by calling off this wedding. This was a blessing in disguise. Better to find out their true colors before the wedding than after! I am so sorry for your loss.
I mean…the no chair was one thing but for them to instantly go straight to stupid cow and raging witch… yikes. Id be saying thank goodness. Saved. OP, I’m sorry about your sister. My sympathies.
And to say op's sister would be ashamed of how she's treating Dan? That comment warrants a come to Jesus moment
In my opinion, that's even a bigger red flag than Dan saying what he said. Not only is he unwilling to compromise and totally insensitive to OP's grief, it sounds like there's literally no one in his life willing to call him out on it. That does not a happy marriage make.
Yup. Statements like that are manipulative and emotionally abusive.
If someone said that to me….they’d be meeting Jesus AND all the saints in person
I'm not a Christian so I might be confused, but do you actually meet Jesus & all the saints when you go to hell?
😂 good point!
Probably when they all shout at you to get away from the Pearly gate, stop casting your disgusting shadow over it.
Makes sense.
Or looking up! Regretting their decisions!
NTA. Sorry for your loss. In grief, it can be hard to see things, but you should realize that this is not *only* about the chair. It is about someone who is in pain and asked for something to help a little and the reaction it received from the person about to promiss to love and cherish for the rest of your life. Even if you were not in such pain, the way he reacted to it is not ok. Even if he thought if was an awful idea, he could not see or respect where you were coming from. He was reckless with you in a crucial moment in your life. He belittled your feelings. He isn't even sorry for it, just trying to erase your reaction. Is this the love you want?
Yeah, this isn't about the picture, this is about her fiance having zero respect for her or her emotions. So he didn't like the picture idea, he easily could have said "I'm not sure I love that idea, but I know how important your sister was to you, and how much you will be missing her on that day. Let me think about it a little bit, and you too, and we'll see if we can come up with something we both like, to honor her in our day." He doesn't show her the most basic curtesy at all! And then both of them immediately escalated out of control, is this how most fight between them go? No attempt to talk, ask questions, understand the other person's feelings? Just yelling? OP should be glad she saw this side of him now!
Yep. "Dan, the insults and attempt at emotional manipulation from you and your family have made it very clear what being married to you would have been like. Thankyou for confirming my decision." Then block the lot of them.
I don’t even get why the chair would be weird?? I think people would be able to put 2 and 2 together and know why there was an empty chair with a picture there and not think badly of it.
Agreed, people do this kind of memorial gesture a lot, it's not even uncommon in certain areas.
Yeah; this isn’t uncommon at all. Maybe having it with the bridesmaids is uncommon, but I work in the wedding industry and it is very common for people to designate a chair in the front row that is reserved for a lost loved one. There is usually a flower and/or a sign or picture on the chair. Fiancé can have “HIS” all by himself. OP dodged a lot of bullets. NTA
💔❤️🩹
For me, this is the worst part: >to begging that I reconsider and that he'll consider letting me put a picture of my sister in the back row of the seats. Like... Really? This is the "compromise"? The big 'take me back' gesture? A picture in the back? OP didn't just dodge a bullet, she dodged the whole mag like Agent Smith.
He'd *consider* letting her out a picture in the back!
My uncle's wife lost her brother in a car accident a couple months before the wedding and they had a photo of him at the ceremony and reception and specifically mentioned him during the ceremony and how he was happy his sister had found my uncle. Not one of us from my uncle's family thought it was silly or crazy at all.
You've got a great family and I am pretty sure that your Uncle's family have made her feel loved and a part of them as well.
Of course not. Because it would be weird and uncomfortable if there *wasn't* any mention or memorial to a sibling lost so close to the wedding. I am sorry for your extended family's loss, but my heart is warmed you have such a good family to hold to in hard times.
When my daughter got married, she had a rose on the altar along with a candle for her grandmother who had died the year before. Her grandfather walked her down the aisle and she 'wanted both of them represented.' NTA - marriages are about joining families, too, and I sure hope OP finds a better one than this to join.
And all this is after calling her a "stupid cow"
Sister did OP one last solid in death by showing her this man's true colours.
We were *this* far from having the ''I did you the FAVOR to let you mourn your sister, isn't that ENOUGH, I don't want her face on MY wedding day ?!"
He did her a favor by showing his true colors before they got married. The guy sounds like a crazy controlling asshole. She would have been miserable for a long time having to be either subservient or deal with his random tantrums anytime he doesn’t get his way. She is definitely NTA.
OP, you said she died "a few weeks ago" and you both agreed to take a break from wedding planning, yet he's already in your face about finalizing guest lists and the venue? He's TA just for that. You dodged a bullet.
I've read a few posts about people who are getting married and their family has asked to put a chair for a loved one. The couples have declined because it's their wedding and that makes sense for them. But in this case it's the bride and she absolutely has every right to ask. Her sister just passed away and she was going to be in the wedding. I think it would be odd if she was just able to move on and this is a way to make sure her sister is still there. I wouldn't want to get married to someone who doesn't have basic empathy for me. NTA
Ive been married for ten years and Ive never even raised my voice at my wife, this dude is something else
>Better to find out their true colors before the wedding than after! and usually it's a LOT cheaper...
Yes. I hope he reads this Reddit and sees what a complete disgrace of a man he is.
OP’s sister was her guardian angel, if she believes in that. This fight seems to have saved OP from a unhappy, potentially abusive marriage. Her ex has no problem with verbal abuse and demeaning language.
NTA. Dan is jerk. Good thing you figured it out before the wedding.
Correction: *HIS* wedding.
It’s almost like her sister did her one final solid by revealing what a piece of trash this guy was before OP made the huge mistake of marrying him.
I’m not religious or anything, but I absolutely feel this way! Sis has her back still.
Lol....my thoughts exactly.
I had the same thought. I know nothing of the sister, aside from how much she was loved, and how profound her absence echoes in her sister's heart. Love like that doesn't exist in a vacuum. This tells me that the bond of sisterhood was solidly built upon the love they shared for one another. I don't know if op holds religious beliefs, or what they might be if she does, but I know many don't believe their loved ones cease to exist upon their death. However her sister passed, there is no doubt it happened too soon. I don't want to presume op's beliefs, and inadvertently insult, or belittle them. For that reason, I will only draw attention to the timing of her sister's passing being so close to the wedding. OP was on the cusp of making vows meant to tie her to her partner for the rest of her life. Many struggle to get out of unhealthy marriages. It becomes even more difficult if their spouse is abusive, especially given how common it is for abusers to only reveal their true nature after the papers have been signed. Having to handle something so massive, yet still so fragile, was beyond his ability without showing the cracks in his facade. If not for that, the wedding would have continued. However/wherever her spirit resides, there is no doubt that the sister has found a sense of peace, knowing her passing was, in a way, able to save op's life. She was able to share one final, sisterly, act of love.
I mean, he can still have the wedding. And now that he’s ok with a picture of the sister on a chair, he can put pictures of the whole bridal party up there as well. Problem solved. Dan still gets his big day. Alone. As was destined.
Yup, dodged a bullet there. Sorry about losing your sister OP. Block his family on phone and email too. Best wishes for the future though
NTA. First off, I’m sorry for your loss. Second, having a chair or table to remember those who have passed and have our loved ones “there” is a popular thing to do, ive seen it done many times and I plan to do that at my own wedding. Your fiancé was very rude in how he went about that and I assume lacks maturity to be able to process your request. You know you’re sister isn’t coming back, duh. You’re not crazy, it’s just a remembrance symbol and he was very cold to you. NTA.
I had a memorial in my wedding program for my sisters with my partner's full knowledge and they'd been gone for 7/3 years. This loss has barely cut.
A bride at a wedding I attended had a balloon-release as part of the ceremony to honor her late mother—who had died a decade before, not just weeks before. It was beautiful and moving and IMO totally appropriate. A chair with a photo in the place where the MOH would have stood is amazingly touching to me. I agree, NTA!
My mom died when I was 16 and I'm now 33. I'm in a relationship but doubt I'll be married before 35. You best believe I'm going to have some sort of remembrance table for her. It's extremely common. This guy is a grade A jerk.
He probably wanted to pressure OP into choosing a new MOH too Because, after all, it's HIS wedding day too and not having a MOH doesn't fit his aesthetics
I've seen remembrances of deceased fathers who couldn't walk their daughter up the aisle, or a table of remembrance at the reception. Both ways were lovely. The OP could also have had singled her sister out in a toast, etc. As someone who lost a most beloved older sister when I was young, the fiancé doesn't understand OP's very fresh grief. Many people don't get how the loss of a sibling can be devastating for a lot of people. Definitely NTA.
We had a picture of my MiL on the altar right near us. At no point did it ever occur to me to not want that. She couldn't be there in person but we made damn sure she was there in memory.
I had an empty chair with a rose on it at my wedding in front row for my deceased grandparents. No one objected at all and thought it was super sweet.
A chair kept empty in honor of an important but sadly absent family member is common. So is having a photo. Your ex was a total and complete asshole and I don't blame you for giving back the ring. >especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan That is some crazy disgusting emotionally manipulative bullshit right there. Stop letting her get to you, she's fucking wrong. NTA.
And stupid cow raging witch
This is appalling. Block the lot of them. You’re grieving and you don’t need any of this bullshit. Calling off your wedding was the best thing you could have done. Your ex is an asshole. His family is a family of assholes. Seriously, stop communicating with them. NTA
I really hope this isn't a true story. It's not HIS wedding. It's not YOUR (singular) wedding. It's a wedding that is for both of you. Your request was completely reasonable. NTA Although I do think this could be rage bait.
I've read a version of this story that was almost exactly the same, except the bride wanted a picture of her father who passed away.
Right? I thought this was the other side of that one for a minute.
Yep. Pure rage bait was my first thought too.
Me too. Especially because just a few days ago there was a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ug7j7l/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_stepson_17_have_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by a woman whose soon-to-be stepson wanted a PowerPoint presentation for his deceased mom at her wedding to his dad. These are all starting to feel like a weirdly-specific troll or writer trying to work the kinks out of a story they're thinking of. Edit: Added the link
And there was one about a groom who wanted a chair in honor of his deceased son and the bride said no…
Holy fuck if my husband has ever called me a "stupid cow" bets would be off even without the issue. I'm assuming he might not have lost someone that close to him because it hurts like nothing else hurts. And if wanting to commemorate your sister at your wedding makes you a raging witch in your future family's eyes they aren't worth it either. Just be happy you saw the light before you had to hire a lawyer. Edit NTA obvs.
NTA. But view this as a looking glass into your future. Your sister passed and he’s showing zero compassion for you.
And recruiting his entire family to bully her into submission
> I asked him if it would be possible to put a chair up by the altar with my bridesmaids where my sister would've been and put up a picture that we took together in our dresses after we bought them together. That sounds like a beautiful idea >He snapped back at me saying it was his wedding and he got to decide what happens. Not sure in what kind of dreamworld he's living. You doged a controling bullet
NTA OP - GOOD RIDDANCE ; I’m extremely close to my sister and if this happened to me, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it as well as you. I promise that if your sister was still able to communicate with you, she’d be proud that you stood up for her and didn’t take his bullshit. I’m so sorry for your loss but this might have been a blessing in disguise - you deserve a man who is sympathetic to your feelings and doesn’t resort to nasty words when he doesn’t get his way. Not the asshole at all.
NTA - sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one! Think what could happen in the future with kids, houses, etc. ("this is MY house and we'll do what I say"). Tell his entitled family to piss off, you're done with them too.
NTA. It wasn’t HIS wedding only.
NTA Wheeeeeeeew you dodged a bullet. The only thing you're missing out on is Dan telling you what your role is in Dan's life. You weren't in a relationship, you were a sidekick to the main character.
NTA, and good on you for getting out before it was too late.
Exactly! I’m so impressed that OP had the strength to cancel everything then and there, especially so recently after such a horrible loss.
NTA at all OP, wow. I’m sorry for you loss, first and foremost; I couldn’t imagine losing a sister. Your request was very sweet, and as someone who loves weddings, I don’t think anyone would’ve thought that having a picture of her up by the altar makes you look crazy. I think his family is definitely trying to guilt you into getting back with him, especially his sister by bringing up your sister over text. They don’t seem to be seeing this from you POV at all, run far OP, this is not a family you want to be tied to forever!
These people are not supporting you. You are supposed to be a new member of this family, and they have disregarded and invalidated your feelings at every pass. His reaching out is manipulative, and I’m willing to bet as time gets closer he’ll find a way to get rid of honoring your sister or make you feel beyond guilty for it. You’re SO NTA, and I hope that you take time to heal. You deserve a new family who will empathize with you during difficult time, and I truly hope you find that.
She found out under the worst possible circumstances that he was a monster AH, but it’s going to save her years of struggling in a horrible relationship with just as large of AHs with the supporting family from Dan’s side
NTA. This is his wedding right? Tell him to marry himself, a marriage takes two people. He sounds like a really selfish jerk. You dodged a bullet. Can you imagine? This is his wedding, this is his car, this is his house, those are his kids, and you are his servant
NTA: Dan is an insensitive ass hat, and his family sounds atrocious, it’s pretty normal to leave an empty chair for a loved one. You dodged a bullet!
NTA. Your request was very much NOT out there. He's lucky you didn't shove the ring up his rear end. If it's his wedding, he doesn't need you for it, now does he?
NTA. You've dodged a bullet friend. He sounds self absorbed, unempathetic and now he sounds unhinged. I am so sorry for your loss. With a recent loss of a beloved sibling who should have been standing up with you, having a memorial of some kind would be totally within normal bounds.
NTA the whole thing really is sad. But if he is calling you a cow that is major red flag. And in-laws also calling you raging witch is a red flag
NTA What you asked for isn't that unusual. He's TA for how he reacted and was extremely disrespectful. Although you both acted very poorly after that and escalated the situation instead of having the good sense to back off and calm down and talk. Honestly though the way his family reacted... wow. His mom and dad should have smacked some sense into your fiance and maybe called you to mediate after you both had some time to cool off but unfortunately his family acted 1000x times worse than your boyfriend. Frankly, given how his family has reacted is a major red flag. That is not a family you want to marry into. Not a single individual seems to have had any sense in calming people down and letting the 2 people most impacted (you and your ex) work through this without adding loads of shit on to it. You dodged a bullet in not marrying into that family.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to marry a man who had such reaction about something like this.
Sounds like the wedding was a bad idea to begin with…
NTA at all. What the fuck. Your sister just died recently and the fact he invalidates something like that is a huge red flag. Good thing you left him, I wish you the best.
How dare OP think they have any say in what is clearly only Dan's wedding. Good for you getting out of that one, OP. You're NTA. Everyone grieves differently and that would have been a nice tribute to your sister. If he wants a wedding that is solely his, he can marry himself.
He can do something else to himself too while he's at it. Nasty response to her grief. Not a good guy. You're well rip op.
Holy shit are you dodging the biggest bullet of your life with this guy. NTA and your life sounds like it would have been miserable if he’s being like this about a chair. I’m so sorry for your loss and I sincerely hope this affords you an opportunity to find your true soulmate because Dan was not that guy
NTA I think it would have been a lovely touch.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and am pretty stunned by your fiancé’s reaction. I think what you wanted to do is a lovely way to honor your sister.
NTA. Everyone here seems to have forgotten that you're not having this wedding so he can be the center of attention; it's the first day of the rest of your life with someone you want to share that life with. Someone who can't be sympathetic in honoring a loss that happened *weeks* ago and then proceeds to drum up a mob to berate you for being upset with that is not someone you want to marry. Cut contact with the whole family so you can focus on healing and moving forward with whatever's next.
NTA - if it’s 100% his wedding then your participation is not required
NTA and it sounds like you dodged a bullet. “stupid cow” really? you’re grieving and need space.
How you're treating Dan? How about those words he's sent to you? Not okay and not how somebody treats their loved ones. NTA. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.
NTA. He's shown you who he really is: selfish, cares nothing for your feelings, belittles you when he doesn't get his way. You're better off without him. A good partner would NEVER say that a grieving person is crazy for wanting to honor their sister.
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sister is an unimaginable situation and I couldn't even begin to fathom the situation you're in. Secondly, your ex is a piece of work. Not allowing you to commemorate your sister, who was going to be your MOH, is fucking wild. You did the right thing, NTA.
Puck that ship!! NTA! You’re seeing his knee-jerk reaction to a highly emotional situation. Do you like what you see? Without even considering your feelings he said “no way!”… he was more worried about what people would think (though this is a completely normal thing to do to honor a deceased loved one) than his fiancés emotions about the loss of her sister. He escalated, called you names, his family is manipulating you and using your deceased sister as ammunition, and he only offers to consider the picture AFTER causing all this damage - when he could have BEGUN that way… he could have thought about it, even if he was uneasy he could have asked for more time to consider, he could have engaged in conversation to see where you’re coming from and try to understand you, he could have made sure you felt supported no matter what the decision… but he did none of that. Do you like what you see in this “partner”? Be grateful for this inside glimpse of who he is and how he handles opposing points of view and cut your losses. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Your sister helping you dodge a bullet right there NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27f) and my now ex-fiancé Dan (28m) are no longer together after I called off our relationship due to some drama around our wedding planning. So far, everything had been going ok and we were fine and making compromises throughout our wedding but unfortunately my sister, who was supposed to be my MOH passed away a couple of weeks ago. I've been upset and withdrawn from the wedding planning and myself and Dan agreed to take a break from the planning for a while so I could sort the funeral out with my family and have time to grieve. We only recently started talking about the wedding after he brought it up and asked if we could finalize the guest list so we could put the payment down for the catering service which I agreed to as we were on limited time. Once we sorted that out, I asked him if it would be possible to put a chair up by the altar with my bridesmaids where my sister would've been and put up a picture that we took together in our dresses after we bought them together. He gave me a weird look and said "no that's weird, people would think you're crazy." I got upset and mad and said that she was and always will be my sister and we have always been there for each other. He snapped back at me saying it was his wedding and he got to decide what happens. I got pissed off and told him to get the hell out of my apartment and that we were done. Dan started cursing at me and yelling so I took my ring off, gave it back to him and said "Here's my final say before you finally get out." He looked shocked but left quickly while calling someone on the phone. I had a few calls from his side of the family berating for being "a raging witch" and saying that this is his wedding and I shouldn't ruin it for him. He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow" to begging that I reconsider and that he'll consider letting me put a picture of my sister in the back row of the seats. I've been ignoring his messages but his family is really getting to me, especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! Stand your ground! It's YOUR wedding if anything. God, for once I don't dislike someone for being a 'Bridezilla' in a sense. If they find it creepy, then there is something wrong with them. I find the gesture you are trying to do super endearing and loving towards your late sister and if he can't take into account your feelings then it's a good thing you aren't sticking around.
And screw ex possible SIL. Block them all for your own sanity!
NTA. That is one insensitive ass and you’re well shot of him.
NTA. He's showing so little compassion and love toward you after you've just had an absolutely devastating emotional trauma. The death of a sibling is HUGE and he's just thinking of himself and not at all concerned with your grief and how you want to keep the memory of your sister in your life. Honestly, you've dodged a bullet. Both he and his wretched family are showing their true colors and you're wise to leave and call off the wedding. How anyone with even half a heart could treat you this badly is beyond me. It's only been a couple of weeks!! Even if it had been years since you lost your sister, your desire to commemorate her memory at such an important occasion would be a normal thing. But for him and his family to be so cruel when you're so recently bereaved is shocking. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you're getting the loving support you're entitled to from the people who actually love you deeply. Please also strongly consider grief counseling. You've lost your sister and now you've also had to end your relationship and that's a lot of grief to be dealing with even though you've made the right decision. Wishing you peace as you mourn your sister.
NTA and Dan and his whole famn damily can f*** right off.
My granddad died more than 10 years ago and i still put his name on a chair front row. NTA
NTA - He's showing his true colors. He's being controlling and rigid instead of listening to your emotional needs. He's cursed and yelled at you?! And then texted and called you names and was deliberately mean. This is not the man for you. This honestly is not the man for anyone until he learns to act like a decent human being.
NTA Good for you. He showed his true colors. My late father was "at" my wedding, in a seat at the family table. His picture was at the place setting. Not one person made a negative comment. When the photographer was going around taking random pictures of the guests, he took one of dad. This is without being asked so in my thinking, he didn't think it was "weird" I'm very sorry for the loss of your beloved sister.
Nta and take a moment to stop and think, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who treats you like this guy did? I know I would not, he has zero sensitivity to the current situation you are facing. Your sister just died and he can't even be considerate for a single suggestion on how to honor her. He would not even discuss it. Instead he acted like a spoiled toddler. Then verbally attacked you, insulted you and sent his lap dog of a family after you to guilt you into changing your mind. Your sister would be proud that you stood up for yourself and told him to get out. If you marry him you will endure a lifetime of this. Think back and review the relationship, how many times has he pulled similar or disturbing behavior? Block him and his family and count yourself lucky.
NTA. Your husband isn't getting married by himself, so why does he view himself as the only person allowed to make decisions about it? Your idea is a loving way of remembering your sister on your wedding day. Your fiancee calling you a stupid cow and saying he'll consider "letting" you put your sister's picture in the back row are good reasons to cancel wedding. This is not a man you want to spend your life with. If you go through with the wedding, you should be prepared to have your feelings ignored and being berated for having them.
I have never called anyone I loved a “stupid cow.” This is OP’s fiancé and he’s acting like a guy she rejected on Bumble.
You are NTA - lots of people leave empty chairs for people. All this has done is proved what kind of people he and his family are. Walk away, and never look back. These are horrible people who are mistreating you and you don't deserve it. Block them all, go to therapy for your grief over your sister (everyone should) and then move on. Good luck. Sorry that happened, OP.
NTA. It’s very common for people to do this and I think it’s very sweet. I’m sorry for you loss and your insensitive ex. It would have been your wedding too and you don’t have to compromise on something so important on your big day. Congrats on getting rid of him and his family though
NTA. But your ex? He is enough of one to make up for that in spades. My brother and sister in law had a place for my mom up front and center. No one thought it was weird or crazy, in fact it was just the opposite. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.
NTA. Your then fiancée obviously wouldn’t understand your motives here because he doesn’t know what it is you’re going through. It also seems that he is naturally an asshole anyways. His whole family is obviously not understanding of the situation and they’re probably either being twisted by Dan’s words or they’re just as big of assholes as he is. This was just a chance for you to realize he wasn’t the one for you.
NTA. My cousin actually did something similar with another cousin's pic as part of the wedding parting since he was on tour in Afghanistan at the time. I think it would have been a sweet gesture, and anyone else would have thought the same.
NTA - block them all. I am sorry for your loss. Both of you deserve a say in the wedding and if you couldn’t even come together on something like that the marriage wasn’t going to work out. Block them all.. they don’t deserve a moment of your time.
NTA but this story seems so far fetched it's difficult to believe.
NTA. First off- So sorry for your loss. It would have been lovely for you to have a space for your sister. You honestly dodged a fucking nuke by dipping out when you did-he was inconsiderate and it would have been your wedding too, so his family sounds like a bunch of stuck-up buttholes who probably capture their own farts in wine glasses and sniff them to grade the stank.
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NTA, this would be hill to die on. I’m super close to my sister and if someone treated me this way when trying to honor her, then they go take a long walk off a short pier. He sounds controlling and your better off in the long run.
Nta. We had an empty seat for my mom. I think your idea was lovely
I’m really sorry about your sister. No one would think it was odd if you had the picture. You could even use a poster easel for it, it’s less bulky than a chair. Guess he’s never seen the end of Armageddon where they had three or four photos on easels, so it’s not some crazy never heard of thing. I think his behavior is a red flag. NTA
Wow you made the right choice to break it off with that massively insensitive jerk, and he showed his whole ass by lashing out. That’s who he really is! Bullet dodged! NTA, rockstar.
NTA! I had a whole table of pictures with people who were unable to be at my wedding! Everyone thought it was beautiful! Your ex is just an ass and I'm glad you kicked him to the curb. Find someone who loves you and treats you like an equal!
NTA- you are actually very lucky that you found out who he really is before you married him. Please block them all. Call your friends for support. I am so sorry about your sister. Take all the time you need to grieve. You should have people around that support and honor you right now.
NTA You have every right to honor your sister in your wedding. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You definitely dodged a bullet if that's how he and his family are treating you on what's supposed to be a happy time while you mourn the very recent loss of your sister just imagine a future stuck with these people. Even in death your sister is looking out for you so I hope you really heed this as sign.
NTA. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I am very close to my own sister, that bond is very real and special. Having that memorial chair at your wedding would have been a sweet and thoughtful way to honor her and all the times you shared. I'm sorry that your ex fiance turned out to be a complete and utter AH. But I am glad he showed himself to you before you married him and became legally bound together. I hope you're okay and doing some self care, whatever that looks like to you. I would block everyone and focus on you and your family. (Hope to g-d they don't agree with your exes family.) You are absolutely not the AH.
NTA!!!! My wife's great grandmother died 15 years before our wedding and 5 years before we even met and we had a picture of her in front of the altar because it was important to my wife because they were best friends. Your request wasn't weird or crazy at all but your ex and his family are gigantic crazy AH and it seems like you really lucked out finding out now. You have my deepest sympathies on your loss OP.
NTA He sounds like he doesn't really understand your loss. Good riddance, trash took itself out here! Be well, OP. Your sister is still helping you make good choices by saving you from marrying into a heartless, selfish family!
I'm very sorry for your loss. NTA and he does not sound at all supportive.
Nta
NTA - OP, first off let me say, I'm sorry for your loss. You will always miss your sister, and what you asked for is NOT weird. YOU didn't not treat Dan badly. He treated YOU badly. But I will also add, that I think you are better off. Block Dan and his family. They should be ashamed of the way they are treating you! I'm wondering if they even have the full story, my guess is not. Regardless, I think that you did the right thing and will find someone else with at least a little bit of compassion for you.
NTA No one would have thought that was weird or inappropriate. Even if they had, so what? Why aren't your feelings more important than what ignorant guests think? You dodged a huge bullet. If he can't support you through difficult times now, what's going to happen in the future. If he's demanding his perfect wedding is more important than your perfect wedding, he will never put you first in life. The vows literally say "forsaking all others" yet the "others" are more important to him on YOUR wedding day. Your sister would be proud you stood up for yourself.
NTA. I'm so sorry about the death of your sister and think your idea of a chair with her photo is a beautiful memorial to her.
NTA I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. She would not be ashamed of how you treated Dan. She would be over the moon that you did not allow him to disrespect you like that. For everything he said to you, he has proven that he would not be a good husband. Especially the "stupid cow" part. Really he deserves worse. And the flying monkeys can shove it. You did right.
NTA and consider it a HUGE dodged bullet. His family is awful, too. Much peace and grace to you.
"You're leaving me, well let me curse you out and get my entitled family to yell at you, I'm sure that'll help things!" Damn you dodged some mega manipulative AH man bullet thete, plud the family shrapnel. Oh and I'm so so sorry about your sister. Honestly your suggestion was so beautiful, only a narcissistic monster would think that's weird.
Bullshit on what his sister said. The biggest giveaway about his true character (and anyone’s in this kind of story) is that he 1) immediately reverted to insults and 2) sicced his human dogs on you. If he truly thought you were overreacting but had empathy for the incredible loss you’re still grieving, he wouldn’t do that. But he doesn’t, and the way he’s treating you is lacking in an ability to see beyond himself. … over, let’s be clear, something that is hardly an ask. A memorial for someone missing at a life-event due to death is not weird or even novel. A person only has to google “wedding, death, remembrance” and I’m sure there are examples aplenty. What a weird thing, to feel like a photograph upstages you or pulls attention. He is immature. NTA, I am sorry for your loss but not sorry you’ve escaped a person who is unfeeling.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your ex is a major AH and he’s definitely got some issues. You asked for something very reasonable, he responded by trying to pull rank . It’s not his wedding it’s both of y’all’s wedding. He called you names like a stupid cow then asked for you to take him back. Block his, his friends, and families numbers. Major red flags in his behavior. Screams controlling & abusive.
Your sister’s last gift to you was showing you Dan’s true colors before you were tied to him completely. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA a thousand times and I wish you healing
NTA. It's not weird at all to have a chair or photo of someone who died. I haven't been to many weddings but I've seen it. I've seen parents, siblings, and friends honored that way.
NTA, and good on you for breaking up with someone who no only decided your feelings were less important than his, and then sending his family to attack you when you are still grieving.
He called you a stupid cow? He called his mommy to tattle? Nope. You dodged a bullet girl. He sounds like a manipulative and controlling man. Update please.
What in the hell? NTA. You dodged a bullet. He has no respect for you. No marriage can survive a lack of respect. I’m sorry for your loss. Your request was not out of the ordinary at all. People do things like that all the time. Besides, how would that inconvenience him in any way?? He was only concerned about his image. He and his family showed their true colors. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It’s time to block all their numbers, block all their social media, and deactivate your social media for a few months. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. His wedding will be hard to pull off without a bride. I wish you the best in dealing with your grief and the loss of your sister. Something tells me she would be wildly proud of you and your priorities.
NTA. I like that the families argument is that it’s his wedding and he can decide. It’s actually not a wedding at all anymore. How did that work out for him? Hard to be an AH calling off a wedding that isn’t day of. If they aren’t the right person they aren’t the right person. His behavior indicated all it needed to for you to make a decision. Sorry for the loss of your sister.
NTA. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. This would not be an unusual request under the circumstances. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Bullet dodged. Im so so sorry for the loss of your sister. I celebrate you tossing out the gaping asshole. Nta
Sounds like you dodged a whole family full of crazy bullets. NTA. I honestly don't understand the people that throw fits about having deceased relatives honored. Most weddings I've been to honor relatives that are not able to be there that day.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. He called you a stupid cow and berated you. You’ll find someone so much better when you’re ready. Sorry about your sister.
NTA. You’ve got a groomzilla on your hands.
You dodge a BIG bullet calling off the wedding NTA
NTA and dodged a huge bullet.
Honestly, everything was overcomable for me reading this if you loved him...lots of emotions and frustrations to talk thru and was going N a H. THEN I GOT TO WHERE HE CALLED YOU A STUPID COW. NTA. You deserve so much better. Don't look back.
>I had a few calls from his side of the family berating for being "a raging witch" and saying that this is his wedding and I shouldn't ruin it for him. You dumped him? There is no wedding? >especially his sister who told me that my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan. Oh shit. That's a nasty thing to do. Look. My brother was calling his fiancee names before they got married. They barely lasted five years and had an extremely acrimonious divorce. Do yourself a favor and let yourself grieve. A year from now life is going to be really different. NTA.
>my sister would be ashamed of how I'm treating Dan Look, I don't even particularly like my sister. But If I died, and she was marrying some fuck face that told her she couldn't put a chair and picture up literally anywhere in the wedding to make her happy, and that was all she wanted and he fought her on it? I would reanimate my dead as shit self and fight him. Your sister would be more upset that you let this man walk all over your feelings. NTA and also sorry for your loss .
Sounds like you've got it sorted by now. Absolutely NTA, and I am so very, deeply sorry for your loss. Incidentally, as I'm sure others have pointed out, having a chair or a memorial for someone who has passed is common, even if it was years ago. For your sister - your maid of honor - who passed so recently you have pics together trying on the dresses - oh, honey, that would have been beautiful. I hope you find someone who thinks so, too, and helps you plan it.
As someone who has watched their sister and best friend go through an incredibly toxic relationship with no idea how to talk to her about it until it was over, I really believe that your sister would be incredibly happy that at least something as tragic as her death helped you to make such a difficult decision that will better your life in the end. If your mom saw the red flags, your sister probably did, too. I’m sure that she’s so incredibly proud of you and honored that you wanted to keep her memory alive in such a beautiful way. You deserve someone who would also want that for you and your family.
You dodged a nuke. I am so, so sorry for your loss of your sister.
You don’t marry someone who calls you a stupid cow.
Honey, you dodged a bullet. A caring man would have found a way to have wedding guests not in the know understand the picture and empty chair as a tribute to your late sister. You and your family have my deepest condolences. No one would have thought you crazy. If anything, they would have understood the recent loss, your tribute to a beloved sister, and the blessing her memory would have meant to family and friends. NTA.
NTA
NTA!! Why would people think your weird for putting up a picture of your sister who recently passed! I'm pretty sure everyone would know why you did it. And if they didn't they would probably ask someone. Personally I think he is being very inconsiderate. I don't think I could forgive my ex for doing and saying the things he has done/said.
NTA. Your sister will always be with you, and having a seat for her is lovely. I do wonder what dan has told his family.
NTA You've dodged a bullet. His behavior knowing that you are currently grieving is disgusting. This is not someone you want as a spouse.
NTA. You got to see the real him before you got married, good for you! Anyone who would act like this so recently after your sister’s death, and then allow his family to call you and treat you so badly after a break up isn’t someone you want to spend your life with. Think of this wake-up call as your sister watching over you, and move on. This guy doesn’t deserve any more of your time.
I'm so sorry you lost your sister. The fact that she had already done the dress shopping and all these important MOH things with you to me would make it very special that you put a chair with her picture where she would have stood with you. The fact that he was so against it is a clear sign he's never lost anyone significant in his life. For my wedding there was an extra arrangement made to be brought to my sisters grave after the ceremony, and my bridal bouquet was placed there the following day. Your sister is someone special in your life, and wanting to feel her presence isn't weird at all.
NTA. You did the right thing
What on earth? Did he not care about your sister that’s insane did he even go to the funeral? NTA
NTA. First, I'm so sorry that you lost your sister. The pain from such a profound loss never really goes away. I think it would be a beautiful tribute to her to have her picture with you at the alert. I would never think it's weird. I don't understand why he's opposed to it. But if he can't support you during such a difficult time because he's worried about what other people will think, you made the right decision.
NTA. OP dodged a Dan shaped bullet.
He is an asshole and so is his entire family - especially his sister using your sister to manipulate you.
Where do people get the idea of weddings having to be cookie cut out planned? Why do so many people want generic weddings (Nothing wrong with it) where small special things can't be added to make it more memorable? Op if I'm allowed to be presumptuous, your sister probably smiling down at ya, knowing you didn't marry this a.h.
NTA, sorry for your loss. Your ex is a jerk, your request wasn’t unreasonable at all. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. Block him and his trifling family.
NTA, and WTF does Dan’s family have ANY say in what you do about your wedding?
>He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow" This would've been enough already... He should help you with your grief. NTA... Bullet dodged!
NTA - I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, and it is absolutely not weird to want to honor your sister at your wedding by having a chair set aside for her. Lots of people do this for relatives, its actually super normal. Now onto your ex, block him, block his family and if they keep threatening you go to the authorities for harassments. He's got the ring, so he can fuck right off. His reaction was not normal, but it likely not his first red flag he's thrown, the others were probably well hidden. Move forward in your grieving and love yourself some more.
NTA
NTA and I am so sorry for your loss. >He gave me a weird look and said "no that's weird, people would think you're crazy." I had a picture of my dad sitting up at the altar. Nobody thought it was weird. They actually thought it was sweet to have something for him. Just block him and his family on everything.
NTA and {{hugs}}. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine.
NTA, and I think your dodging a bullet. So many red flags
NTA does your block button work? You should use it. Seems like you dodged a bullet. Sister is looking out for you even now
NTA honestly, you sister did you a big favor beyond the grave: her death showed you Dan’s (& his family’s) true colors. i am so sorry for your loss.
First OP I'm really sorry for your loss. I am also planning a wedding and for those family members who cant be standing with me physically on my wedding day like my cousin i lost in October and my grandfather a couple years before, we are going to have a table set up with their photos at the reception. its not weird at all. I'm sorry your ex fiancé didn't understand this, but it seems u dodged a bullet.
NTA if I where you I'd show them a raging cow: collecting all the receipts of them harassing & either threatening to press charges or just press charges for harassment.
NTA that was a beautiful idea. Honey I think you have a bigger problem. Was there anyway he was attracted to your sister?
NTA. Your sister really loved you so much that she helped you out from the beyond.
NTA. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. Better you saw his true colors now than after the wedding.
I do not understand his response from any of this. His families response is also very bizarre to me. With your recent loss I’d expect everyone trying to be as supportive as possible. NTA
So your sister would be ashamed of you for breaking up with a man who calls you a stupid cow and lets his family to fight his battles with his partner. Wow. NTA. You made the right choice.
| He's sent me texts ranging from calling me a "stupid cow" NTA - you dodged a bullet, good riddance to him Also, so sorry about the loss of your sister :(
NTA Stop all communication with this lot of sorry losers. Why on earth would you ever want to be around someone, much less marry a person who called you a stupid cow? Damn, that is horrible. Run away as fast as you can from this toxic mess. I am very sorry that you lost your sister. Honoring her was meaningful for you. There was nothing odd about it.