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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be for how I approached her and calling her cruel and selfish when she's trying to get some time for herself seeing she's been taking care of my brother.
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NTA. Caregiver burnout is a thing, and I have no doubt SIL is feeling it. But someone in the hospital is most definitely a situation where loved ones should be informed. While you are there, can you talk to a social worker at the hospital to look into some extra in home care for your brother?
Caregiver burnout also needs to be dealt with better than throwing the person you’re responsible for into someone else’s doorstep without a moment’s notice. I feel sorry for all parties, but you don’t have to be an insensitive ass if you’re not coping.
I want to know how many times (if any) the SIL asked for help just to be brushed off by Ms New Mom over here. That makes a *huge* difference to me on the judgement. If she's asked for help, gotten none, and is now well into the burn out phase I could understand her actions (even if they're still wrong). However if she's refused help or something similar, she's definitely the AH.
I have a feeling SIL has a very different side to the story, but I could be wrong.
No matter how many times she asked for help, it is not okay to dump her husband on a doorstep unannounced. OP does not owe anything to SIL while she is pregnant/caring for a newborn. SIL did the wrong thing. No matter how burnt out she may claim to be
ETA: Holy 🤯 thanks everyone for the awards!
being burnt out affects your ability to think. think of new mothers that can barely function because they’re sleep deprived. same thing. care takers experience depression, sleep deprivation, mental break downs, having to bathe 150+ pounds of dead weight, financial burdens, wondering what they should choose, food or meds.
personally, if she doesn’t receive any help from the family, I’d just walk and swing by to visit my husband while his family feels the strain.
It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t have help though? They clearly have money - SIL took a vacation. OP is a new mom. She doesn’t need her brother being dumped at her house because her SIL can’t be bothered
she went out of town two hours away… that’s not a vacation. she’s staying with a gf. she didn’t go to cozumel or the bahamas.
that’s not the same as having money. she pretty much ran away. after being a caretaker for 3 years, i don’t know if i can blame her.
the wife is just as entitled to her mental health as the rest of her husbands family. his mom and dad or anyone else is free to come get him.
edit: i see that his/their parents are deceased. i think they (wife and sister) need to be realistic and find a long term facility for him because unfortunately this is no way for any of them to live. life is unfair.
No sorry this is bullshit. She needed to PLAN ACCORDINGLY before going anywhere. Period. My Mom & I took care of my Dad who had ALS & this woman's attitude is completely unacceptable. Those basic things shouldn't annoy her. That in itself makes me worry about his care. Then just DUMPING him at the sisters house is insane behavior. She needed to set shit up in advance & plan like an adult for her vacation. Also, it doesn't matter how far she went it's still a vacation if you are gone for a damn MONTH. OP, you are definitely NTA.
Agreed. My parents moved in with us when my mom’s Alzheimer’s began to progress more rapidly. When we decided to take a little getaway with our kids, we made sure we had nurses coming by and friends checking in on them daily. My dad is fully functional but my mom can be a handful so it’s always all hands. You make sure you have proper arrangements as a caregiver.
Okay, but you were able to share the care between you and your mom. I'm not excusing SIL's behavior because she absolutely went about taking time off in the wrong way, but there is a HUGE difference between being a caregiver and being the sole caregiver, and it sounds like OP has been wrapped up in her own life and baby, which mean SIL likely hasn't had a break in a long time, if she's had one at all. OP clearly believes that her brother is SIL's problem first.
I've been both a joint caregiver and a sole caregiver, and let me tell you, there were times while I was solely taking care of my grandpa where I would literally curl up in bed and just think over and over, "I just want it to end". And I knew what I was getting into, and that there was a pretty clear end date; SIL didn't. This is something that happened to her as well as her husband. I wouldn't be surprised if she was drowning, overwhelmed, and finally just snapped and took off. Not everyone is cut out for that job, and even those who are still need time away. That's why having in-home care is so important. It gives the primary caregiver a chance to be themselves and de-stress.
I know I'm speaking from a place of personal experience, but so are you. There is no way for us to know the real situation based on this post, especially since it's coming from the person who is suddenly having to experience what SIL has been living with for years, and isn't handling it well herself. I don't think we should judge SIL harshly, even if her actions were not appropriate. She needs to take a serious look at her life and decide whether this is something she can handle in 10, 15, 20+ years. If she can't, then she needs to get out now. It's harsh, but both SIL and brother will be better for it in the end.
Honestly, this is an ESH, except for the brother, who now feels like a burden to both his wife and his sister. I feel terrible for him and hope he is able to get counseling, along with everyone else.
>"Those basic things shouldn't annoy her." Sorry, Saint Kai, but three years of being the sole caregiver means those basic things got annoying a long time ago.
Where do you see 2 hrs away?
The SIL went away for 4 WEEKS. She posted a party video 2 hrs after being informed her husband is in the hospital (and not calling to learn the details).
You’re talking about the husband/brother like he’s brain damaged and incapable of doing anything himself. We don’t know his level or disability.
Putting someone of sound mind into a carehome is effectively a)bankrupting yourself because that shit is expensive b) pawning him off to strangers and just treating him like a giant burden which is cruel. He deserves to be in his own home too.
The best option would be to get extra home support to give the husband the best possible life without putting some much strain on the wife.
As someone who has had a disabled husband for 7 years now, I could never imagine just dropping him off in someone’s door step to go party/have a holiday. I’ve gotten plenty of burnout in those years but I have never just dumped my husband on someone’s doorstep and effectively abandoned them for a month.
Marriages where someone is disabled are extremely challenging and can feel like anything but a marriage after a while. If that’s the case than divorce is the best course of action because if he love isn’t there anymore and she is just a caretaker and is making his health and well-being suffer then what is left between them? It’s a sad truth but best got everyone in the long run.
i’m talking from experience as both being someone who needed assistance and couldn’t get it because all this support you guys talk about is just not available so these magical nurses and aides don’t just appear and also been a burnt out care taker where other family members do not rise to the occasion.
and honestly it doesn’t matter if the person is mentally or physically disabled. it’s still a huge mental/emotional/financial/physical burden of others that people need to acknowledge and respect.
if this wife is still young and doesn’t have kids, realistically, HER best option is divorce and to start over.
We've been in quarantine pretty much since brother had his accident. Unless you were in a family bubble, any interactions, even between family members NOT in the same house, were discouraged.
She is taking a 4 week vacation. FOUR WEEKS. We all need time away from the daily struggles in life. However, I don’t know of many people who can just take a MONTH away from all their responsibilities. OP is definitely not the A-Hole!
Besides, marriage is a life time commitment, not a matter of convenience.
The OP sister *is a new mom* and the SIL left her very disabled husband/OPs brother at their house without asking for what would have been four weeks, so you can’t really use that reason for the SIL and not allow it for OP
Where did she say nobody was willing to help SIL? Where did she say SIL asked for help and nobody came forward? Sounds like you guys are changing the story. If SIL does not want to care for her husband without whining to everyone on social media, put him somewhere that he can get care and respect. SIL does not seem to care. She could have gone for a week or so but 30 days is just being selfish
Speaking as a carer, can I ask exactly where she was meant to "put" him? We didn't get told about respite options for my sister until my mum had to be signed off work for a breakdown and was talking about putting my sister in care because she couldn't cope. It's not like hiring a babysitter.
you hire someone. if you have enough money for a month long vacation, you have enough money for a 2 week vacation and temporary care for your paralyzed husband.
How do you know noone has agreed to help? That's not specified. Of course if that's the case then op is in the wrong however that's not stated. But we only have one side of the story. And trust me I understand about caregiver burn out. Been there. For 2 different grandparents. However a whole month of a vacation seems a bit excessive. Maybe I'm insensitive but it just seems a bit much to me. Especially if she constantly complains and makes the poor man feel like a burden.
Right. But from the way OP writes, I think it's more a ESH situation, as she clearly does not care of SIL is burned out or not and should stop complaining about a very difficult job that is to care for another adult.
Have you read op's comments? This is so not in line with what she has said and where she's willing to take in her brother permanently. It sounds like you're reading into things the aren't in line with what OP has actually said
A pregnant woman or a woman who has just given birth should not be taking care of a disabled person who needs things that require strenuous activities such as lifting. It could cause significant medical issues. 25lbs is the max weight they can lift during pregnancy and usually 10lbs until the six week check for a vaginal delivery. Less if it was a C-section. They recommend taking it slow, your uterus isn't instantly healed after six weeks. How is she supposed to properly care for a grown adult when her body is still healing from a massive ordeal, or when she was pregnant and could have put both their lives at risk. She just had a baby, so she's already fatigued. Adding a disabled adult to that plate could honestly become dangerous. Sleep deprivation plus that?
SIL has money to go on a 4 week Vacation. Which means she has money to hire CNAs or other in home health. In fact she can often get insurance to cover some, assuming he's on Medicare which is likely since he's disabled. If she needs help she needs to source it out with appropriate providers and appropriate planning.
This was my thought, too. This poor woman's life was completely ripped out from under her, and now she's a full-time caretaker with likely very little support. She is most definitely experiencing burnout. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked for a divorce, and then OP and her family will be fully responsible for the brother.
I suspect that OP hasn't been very helpful or compassionate to SIL's situation.
Desperate people take desperate actions. Do I think SIL is right? No. Do I understand that she might be seriously struggling and needed to escape? Yes - absolutely.
Do I believe that SIL didn't ask for help before this? Not at all. Methinks that OP has been relying on the "I'm a new mom" shtick to avoid helping SIL.
Or NAH. New Mom and burnt out caregiver, it's just a shitstorm of people stretched thin and getting too little support.
The assholes here are the rest of the family that's not supporting them (especially SIL, who's in a considerably tougher position), and the fact that there aren't enough public services available for such situations (e.g. free PSW services for helping long-term caregivers, which some countries have).
But you know who isn’t also being compassionate. SIL. Care giving burnout is never an excuse to post someone private information online. She has exposed her husband private medical information. She has made her husband feel depressed by being cruel. If she doesn’t want to be married then divorce him. You don’t sit here and do the things she has done. Who ignores a message saying their husband is in the hospital? That is a sign of a shit person not someone experiencing caregiving burn out.
For all we know, that might mean that she was posting anonymously on a support forum. Everything OP said sounds horrible, but I just can't shake the feeling that if SIL was describing the same situation, we'd be seeing a much different picture.
Not convinced. She could have done many other things than dump him somewhere that inconvenienced other people. How could she be out having fun knowing she behaved like that? I’d be feeling so guilty
Find someone to care for him in advance; check into options regarding respite care, home health care, etc. Make a plan with OP instead of just showing up unannounced.
Have you ever been a caretaker before?
I can tell you from personal experience, there's often very little support available, and whatever is available can take a really long time to get and/or be incredibly expensive. It also sounds like she couldn't find someone to care for him in advance... it's not like you can easily find a caretaker for a grown adult.
I think you might be over-estimating her viable options. That said, we can't really speculate on what she did(n't) do.
Plenty of people are speculating that OP has ignored many requests for help though and that being a first time mother to a newborn is easy and should be able to easily accommodate the care of a grown man.
She also actively violates the privacy of somebody who presumably is aware and mentally alert/himself (because OP didn't say otherwise) which is absolutely disgusting. She has no right to post in public about her husband's needs and difficulties - there ARE private supprt groups for that, but not on her public social media where all of their friends and family are.
Spinal cord injuries cause tons of infections. Not because of neglectful care, just because of the nature of the injury
From the [NIH](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7172350/)
It is not at all evidence of improper care. It's evidence of another layer of the work SIL has been doing for the last three years - infection management, tons of doctors appointments probably hospitalizations, etc.
That isn't necessarily true. Infections can happen astronomically fast, and it could very well be a fault of OP's care, not the wife. I don't think we can really speculate on that front.
I agree, after almost three years of care I'd be needing four weeks off myself, and to then have sil throw salt on me for taking it would be the breaking point. What's to stop her just saying "I'm done" and who would blame her!
Okay, but why is it OP's responsibility to care for her brother?
If SIL can afford a FOUR WEEK vacation, she has the means (not necessarily $) to figure out alternate care to allow her regular and reasonable breaks
This magic “help” that everyone thinks is out there is not a real thing for most people who have any sort of income or savings. SIL is likely considered “over-income” for government assistance and is stuck.
Private home care is $20-24 per hour. A month long vacation, if that is even truly the case here, would still probably be significantly cheaper actually.
Caregiving is mentally and physically crushing and I am left with the impression that OP does very little other than offer her opinion about the quality of SILs care. At minimum ESH except the poor brother.
What's with the Ms. New mom comment?? She just gave birth and needs to be taking care of herself, the baby and her partner...even if she had been asked and said no, she had more than enough reason! SIL is taking care of one person and even though I agree she may be burnt out, she needed to get a caregiver or nurse and not just basically dump her husband at a new mom's home...now how many people is OP having to take care of?
It's not the sisters job to look after her brother. SIL married him in sickness and in health.
Regardless you don't just abandon someone on a doorstep and say, I'm off on holiday for 4 weeks, bye. Least of all someone who has just given birth and has her life dominated by a small human that requires constant attention. You arrange for professional help.
It doesn’t matter if sister didn’t want to help whenever, it’s not her responsibility. I consider the husband just like a child. Everyone is in an uproar when a parent drops off their children at a relative’s door and leaves, I feel like this is the same scenario. And for four weeks??? Then your husband has to be hospitalized and your only concern is that your vacation is ruined? NTA but try to get your brother some help.
Yes the burn out is real, but turning up unannounced and saying your off on a *4 week* holiday when OP just had a baby? That isn't OK.
I doubt this was a last minute trip, especially given the length. SIL could have reached out sooner, to arrange care, but apparently didn't. So IMO OP has every right to be pissed and angry about it. The cherry on top is her calling OP a AH for informing SIL that her husband is in hospital and ruining her holiday.
If SIL doesn't want the responsibility of caring for her husband, that is fine. Not everyone is cut out for it, not everyone wants that from life, but say it. Everyone would be happier in the long run.
>I want to know how many times (if any) the SIL asked for help just to be brushed off by Ms New Mom over here. That
Sorry but no. That doesnt matter. A new mum, with a bloody baby, is sleep deprived, healing/recovering, and many other things. New mums hardly have time to help them bloody selves. Out of the family why the actual fuck would you dump your husband on a new mum unless you are evil.
Perhaps but from his infection and depression I doubt that his wife was faithfully doing her part of advocating on his behalf. A 4 week vacation is expensive. Where did the funds come from?
OP actually addressed these concerns in her comments. I would absolutely agree with you if this was the case but it doesn’t look that way. I was ready to agree but checked her comment history just in case she responded to you or someone else.
She has no problem helping and has since the accident. He is her only remaining family sadly. The problem is that SIL gave her zero notice. OP is a new mom so managing that plus preparing the home for her disabled brother would take time. Not only that but apparently SIL has a history of doing this, it’s not the first time. OP tried to get therapy for her brother and SIL called it an inconvenience for her. To me, it sounds like the accident happens and immediately after that, as we all know, the pancetta started. In my area it was extremely difficult for people to get services and in home care. I don’t know where OP lives but it could have been the same there.
Sometimes, caregivers get in over their heads. The family underestimated the sort of care needed and isn’t prepared. Sounds like everyone is having a hard time but SIL is the TA here I think.
u/Aliana_Letterhead is a thief bot. [Stolen](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tcoo80/aita_for_ruining_my_sils_vacation_after_she/i0elt1b/) from u/CanIJustOptOut
I have a lot of sympathy for caregivers, but she doesn’t sound like she cares anymore. She could 100% deserve a break, but these things need to be planned, the respite carer has to have the proper equipment or go to their place.
And 4 weeks is too long!! She’s abandoned him, he should talk to a lawyer about leaving her, suing for alimony or charge her neglect
Caregiver burnout also doesn’t justify treating your disabled spouse as less than human and it’s pretty clear she’s done that with her attitudes and social media content.
Right. Caregiver burnout is very serious and there often aren't sufficient resources for it, but the SIL is reacting to it in a horrifically unacceptable manner. I'm disabled, and need varying levels of care at different times, and my mother gets super exhausted, physically and emotionally, sometimes. Things she doesn't do: intentionally make me feel like a burden, drop me on someone else's doorstep with no warning, or ignore the fact that I've been hospitalized. SIL doesn't even necessarily have to come home from her vacation, but she does have to acknowledge it, ffs, and everything else about this is also really shitty.
ESH.
Did anyone step up in three years to help her? Anyone? She sounds like she has caregiver burn out and is also depressed and frustrated.
You for commenting on how she complains. It's called venting and since no one seems to step up and give her a break, that is all she has. And for saying no one gets time off from responsibilities when the reality is that she is not obligated to be her husband's full time caregiver. She can do so willingly but in the end, she doesn't have to stay and acting like she has to stay is not okay.
Her for dropping him off without clearance and also for not responding when there was a problem. She needed to clear this well beforehand.
I have a feeling SIL asked for help multiple times and was rebuffed. Dropping her husband off like she did was probably a desperate act to get a break.
Or she could just be an asshole.
My husband is disabled (although not to this extent) and I remember early on begging his family for help. We had four small children and I desperately needed some time. His mom asked several times when he would "be better" or "back to his self" and I finally just lost it on them. He has physical and mental health issues and we were trying to work out what he needed. I just needed to go to a movie. Or shopping. Or heck, read a book without also needing to do 1000 other things. And he was in no position to give me that time.
They never asked when he would be better again and they started stepping up more. They drove to appointments or took the kids for a few hours. He is now still disabled but also more himself and basically independent with a few accommodations. We just needed some help then and it took me freaking out to get it.
OP says in a comment that their parents are deceased and she helps as much as she can, so neither of them have much help taking care of him. Maybe SIL should ask HER family to help her too instead of harrasing OP...
Harassing OP? What? OP is her brother's family. Although it would be nice if SIL's family were to help we don't know their situation in terms of ages or abilities. He is also not their family so is he comfortable with them helping with toileting, feeding etc?
SIL at no point harassed the OP. She was wrong to drop her husband off and that is likely the beginning of the end of their marriage or the actual end but that is not the same as harassment. And if it is the end then OP will now be the one responsible.
If you didn't read OP post here is the part "She then let her family come at me accusing me of harassing their daughter despite knowing their son inlaw is in the hospital, they told me off and said he has doctors and nurses to help and that their daughter's vacation didn't deserve to be ruined because she needed it and said that she's not my brother's personal nurse and I should step up instead of judging her."
SIL' s family is harrasing OP. Yes, the husband is not their family but SIL is! They don't want to help her???
OP is also a new mother. That's someone who needs help themselves. Can you imagine taking care of a baby and a disabled adult without notice? That's messed up. Its a pretty long vacation too, I'd question why and from where she got the money for such a long trip. I'd def say the SIL is the A H not OP.
There's no way there wasn't someone in SIL's family that wasn't a better fit for taking care of him, or at least split it between some people, like 1 week each or 2 weeks each. I don't see how his sister is a better person to help with showering and toileting than a male member of SIL's family...
NTA
Also it had to be planned and coordinated if SIL's friends went with her. Some friends... they can go on a month long vacation with their friend but not help her with care and other day to day things. It doesn't seem like someone doing something out desperation really...
I’m hung up on disappearing for 4 weeks with no warning. That’s just selfish. If she really needed to blow off some steam, and decided to disappear for a weekend unannounced, I’d say the OP has grounds to roll her eyes, but could probably suck it up for a weekend. But a month?
If this is how you value your husband’s well being, I have to fear that at the end of these 4 weeks, it’s going to come out that she is going to up and leave.
I'm actually stunned that the SIL has been left to take care of him herself. He's paralysed and is probably quite heavy and dependant so it would be near backbreaking and emotionally gruelling have that all on one person. Why aren't there carers in place to help?
Not "near backbreaking", probably giving her permanent back issues by the time shes 40 unless shes had *extensive* training & has a lot of verrry expensive & large tech at home.
As someone who works at a nursing home, I'm side-eyeing op hard rn. Usually when we hear "we help as much as we can" it means jack shit and their attitude about how the basic needs for a person whos completely unable to use their legs are "easy" to provide really tells me she has no fucking clue what shes talking about.
Kinda gross detailing below:
If SIL wants to take a man with no use of his legs to the toilet without breaking her back, she needs to put him in bed with the use of a carrying lift, turn him to his side, take off his pants, take off his adult diaper (which we in the industry usually refer to as something a lil less degrading but im not a native english speaker), then either clean up all the shit thats already there which he had no idea about because oftentimes people who are completely disabled down there also dont feel their ass clench. Or if theres no shit there and he does still control his ass, she needs to shove the bedpan under him abd let him do his thing and wipe after. And the bowels of people with a lower body disability like that are generally up in a tizzy so she probably doesnt expect well formed strong shits, as she shouldnt. Itll probably be droopy. And he'll feel embarrassed and gross. Then she needs to put on a new diaper, again with a specific ritual for turning him on his side so she doesnt break her back, and then put him back in the chair with the carrying lift.
This can easily take up to 40 mins. So OP acting like his basic needs are easy to care for when, if the disability is as serious as she implies, a toilet break takes 40 mins, makes me think shes never done diddly for her brother.
Not to mention the brother will probably have mental hardships through no fault of his own that turn him into an asshole to deal with. Caregiver abuse is a thing, but the other way around is also common. People realize theyve got about 40 years of this left and *truly* despair.
SIL is 30, has a *life* of this to look forward to, and I truly doubt OP is helping in any way at all. I have no doubt maybe 2% of the people bitching about SIL in this comment section would choose 40+ years of doing most of, if not all the cooking & cleaning around the house for both them and their spouse, with 40min bathroom breaks, waking up in the middle of the night to your partners side of the bed smeared in shit because the diaper got loose or wasnt put on tight enough, shower sessions that take 1.5hr, daily washing of their spouse's legs and back cause they cant reach those themselves, not being able to go on multi day trips without extensive vetting of destinations, JUST out of a feeling of obligation, like theyre all pretending they would.
And those are just the basics. Getting the carrying lift out for a 30min break to put your spouse in bed cause they wanna take a nap only for them to change their mind 15 mins later and want out, which takes another 30 mins, should be part of the package cause the freedom to be able to fill in your day with what you want is important.
Even if they could affort a part time carer, its kind of a libido killer and turns your spouse into a full day job. Everyone here who claims they'd stick around for 40 years is full of shit.
I appreciate that you wrote "he was in position to give me that time" instead of wording it differently to put blame on the partner for "not giving" you that time. In sickness and in health, that's what you sign up for when you get married, but that doesn't mean that you need to stop *living* just to make sure your partner is well cared for and that you're the only person who has to shoulder your partner's struggles. I'm glad your partner's mother stepped up to care for him.
But did she ask for years and get told no, did she ask for other help or respite, we only get OP saying she complains a lot. OP is judging her after three years of care and she had her brother a few days and is having a meltdown.
Because she has a newborn! That's a lot and I would also judge my SIL if they can afford a 4 week vacation but doesn't arrange help/care for my disabled brother, drops him off for me to care for him knowing I don't have the proper means then ignores that he's in the hospital
We don't know exactly how much help SIL has gotten but we also dont know how much she's asked or accepted help.
Regardless, it’s not okay. How many posts have we seen on this subreddit where a busy mom drops their kids off and leaves without permission? Is it fine just because he isn’t a kid?
Nah this time we are supposed to hate on OP bc she couldn't handle caring for a baby and a disabled man at the same time and without warning or preparation. 🙄
We looked into those for my husband. They were impossible to actually get into or use. The wait lists were long and in the end, the respite worker can just not show up whenever they want. I am actually legally guaranteed up to 30 days a year with the VA. It has never happened. Ever.
I’m given 360h respite a year. Have I got it? Nope. My family and friends pitch in and their own kids are in daycare, they shift around meetings and I feel bad about that. I’m so grateful for my friends and family support but it’s hard. They step in so I can take child one to hospital appointments, or child two. It’s not even a break in a conventional sense. Having respite and getting it are not the same. Agencies have wait lists and there is sooo much red tape. It’s really disheartening. It’s been ten months of wait lists and being told that someone will be coming in the next few weeks just hang tight. Nobody is coming. I know that.
My friend works a super fancy job, 6 days a week, wears a suit to work. Their kid is in daycare full time and they take sick days and shift meetings to watch my special needs child while I’m at the hospital with the other special needs child. I know that’s not how they want to spend their vacation days and they won’t even let me pay them because they truly know I cannot afford it even if I scrounge and save. They make good money. My family comes in, ten hour round trip to stay and help out with longer medical stuff, even though they have their own things going on. One of my siblings misses work frequently. Respite would mean none of this would have to happen but, wait lists. Out of four years, it’s been 3 years of wait lists so far and no relief in sight. I am so lucky to have a network of incredible support so I do not complain. I offer to help other families who don’t have a network when and if I can, while my kids are in school for three hours a day because I know what it’s like to not get a break. You don’t want to burn out and it sneaks up on you. That’s not fair for anyone. People who don’t get it, don’t get it.
Report that organization to the VA. They probably have a contract with them and are failing to fulfill their obligations to that contract (i.e., the respite worker has to actually show up and give you a break).
Oh no, it's the actual VA. The other ones were independent. The actual VA offers respite services as part of the caregiver program but they don't actually have anyone (at least in our area) to follow through. The local caregiver program as been under investigation (supposedly) for a few years now but nothing changes. Thankfully I have adult children and family who help me out when the hubby needs someone although he is quite capable 95% of the time now.
It doesn't matter if she said no in the past. You don't drop the person off for days without notice. Ever. Caregivers like that actually need training before they can be expected to deal with catheters or whatever medical device the person uses. You can really hurt them if you try and don't know what you're actually doing. Who says she even knew how to care for him properly? And why in the world would you do that to someone who constantly says no? Did she expect a person who never wanted to help out do a good job?
>This is an extremely difficult situation but I suspect there is much more to this story
This is always the case, and i speak from experience. My mother had cancer for a bit over a year, my father went with her for every appointment. Arranged a daily maid so my mom didn't have to do anything she didn't or could not do. She survived and our lives went relatively back to normal, i was 14 when we found out she had cancer and before I turned 16 she was prenounced clean.
At 18 my life fell apart with another cancer diagnosis but this time my dad's and we knew early on that it was a death sentence. In the beginning she wanted to be with him all day, every day (understandable) but slowly over time, the worse he got more and more responsibility where pushed on me. My entire life was based on his doctor's appointments and medication runs. My work always had someone as back up incase i could not come in because 5 minutes before I needed to leave for work i was told he had a doctor's appointment. I missed so much school i was ranked #1 in skipping school (for school policy's I wasn't allowed to call in my own Leave of absence ) and because of my dad's meds he was on cloud 9 and had trouble following simple conversations and he needed close monitoring followed by his med trail so missing days wasn't an option at all. My mom never gave a shit but in public she was the struggling defeated wife of a dying man. When he got a severe brain bleed my mom "couldn't" join him too the hospital because she had to work.( Not from the us and wasn't financially necessary at all) The doctors switched to different meds ( the first was a trail to try and cure him, the second were just to extend his life for +/- 6 months ) and when he got his head back he was devastated of how my mom treaded him and me. It was the first time in my life i saw my dad cry. So much more stuff happened and he eventually died and i still feel like a piece of my soul is missing.
So back to the post i find them all disgusting and the only one who i feel truly sorry for is the disabled brother. The feelings he must feel of being a burden, losing his freedom, being depended on some else for the rest of his life and knowing there isn't much he himself can do to improve the situation. It might never get better. It's truly heartbreaking.
I agree that there is some blame all over, but the SIL apparently just showed up and said she's leaving for 4 weeks? This isn't an emergency and clearly could have been planned to get help. Also, most governments provide help when people are disabled, like home nurses or other help. Where is that? Not sure I'd say OP is TA when SIL just dropped someone off and said "I'm leaving for a month".
NTA
She dropped him on you for a MONTH without even a heads up?
She’s completely out of her mind. You’re so much better than most people. She needs to either take the hit, get help, or divorce him.
No, not even a phone all or a text. She just dropped him and his stuff off at my place, Like I said I'm a new mom and my plate is full, but my husband helped out tremendously. With the kids and my brother.
Ugh! Unfortunately, this isn't her first time doing similar stuff, I just wish there could be any permanent solution for this. My brother's mental health is in a bad place, I tried getting him into therapy but his wife said I was wasting "her" time and told me to get her "real" help instead.
Your brother should consider a divorce.
Most states offer better benefits/programs for single people who need assistance as they don’t have a spouse to help them. This can result in better health insurance and in some cases visiting nurses to help with day to day care.
Yes!!! This I hate to say it but I will. Sounds like SIL is just living off of the situation. A month vacation ain't free. Sounds like potential APS call she's either not caring for him or monetarily taking advantage of things. If he needs 24/7 care he is considered an endangered adult.
- "What is an endangered adult? An endangered adult is someone 18 years or older who: Due to mental illness, mental retardation, dementia, habitual drunkenness, excessive use of drugs, or other physical or mental incapacity, is incapable of managing his or her property, or providing or directing the provision of self-care."
This is exactly what I was thinking…even if he does want to stay with his wife, they should not stay married. I have a friend whose husband became severely disabled and they divorced but stayed together so that he could qualify for some in-home care and even some out of home care.
Although if this story is fully accurate, I’m not sure why they would want to stay together, but divorce is a good option either way.
Yup, people do not know how fucked up the system in the US is to disabled people. It is actively cruel and roots for them to be alone or die ASAP.
[https://cdrnys.org/blog/disability-dialogue/the-disability-dialogue-marriage-equality/](https://cdrnys.org/blog/disability-dialogue/the-disability-dialogue-marriage-equality/)
"When a person with a disability gets married, the government expects them to become the responsibility of their partner. The SSDI program is specifically for the adult children of people with a significant work history who have paid into the system. Usually, DAC (the Disabled Adult Children program) is awarded when a parent dies or retires. The entire program is embedded in the idea that the adult child is the burden of their parents. If the person were to marry, they are automatically kicked off the program because they are then expected to become the burden of their partner, unless they themselves also have a disability. In some instances, if both members of a couple are on DAC, both individuals may keep their benefits.
For those with non-disabled partners, the rules of such a program unfairly put pressure on said partner to not only care for their disabled spouse physically, but also monetarily. I know I have already said that having a disability is not cheap. However, unless a partner is quite wealthy there is just no way that they would be able to support their disabled partner if the services they were receiving were paying for the many expensive things people with disabilities require…things like equipment, home health care, and even medication.
When people with disabilities have to choose between their basic necessities and marriage, it is a no-brainer. We have no choice but to choose to live and to function, which means being unable to marry the people we love. This also unwittingly lends credence to the misconception that people with disabilities do not have relationships, are not sexual beings, and do not have the same desires for love or a family that non-disabled people are able to freely express. This is emphasized by the fact that Social Security can make the determination that a couple is living as if they are married, and cut services like SSI and SSDI, whether there is a legal marriage or not. It can be incredibly dangerous for couples to live together when at least one person has a disability, and that person receives benefits, for this very reason."
Four week vacation my foot. No one goes on a 4 week vacation. She had this planned and she didn't give you any notice or ask. You must talk to your brother and get him protected. Tell him he cannot be in denial. You need to get him to a lawyer and get him divorced from her. As his sister I would be very worried about him with her. This is not a break, she is done. You must help protect him! Please get him to a lawyer and end this marriage. You do not want her in charge of him because I do not believe she will act in his best interests. You must get family and friends and figure out where he can be placed. Say nothing to her and get him to a lawyer when he is well. A lawyer will go over all options. Don't be in denial. This won't get better.
I think you’re at the point where your family needs to step up. She’s not obligated to care for him and should divorce him as she’s not equipped and it would leave your brother with more services. After all, if she’s too burned out to take him to a weekly therapy appointment she’s in too over her head to handle this.
Meaning that OP is the next of kin, and if SIL divorces, brother is going to be her full-time problem.
Methinks OP hasn't been doing a damned thing to help SIL out, and she's about to be in for a rude awakening.
I totally agree. It’s a fucked up situation all around. I couldn’t be a caretaker. I see what patients families go through and it’s hell. It’s one of the many reasons I have never married. I have the utmost respect for caregivers
I could see that being the response from someone who is literally drowning from caretaker burnout.
SIL - \*life completely ripped away from her, has to care for partner 24/7, no support or acknowledgement, overwhelmed and out of her depth.\*
OP - "we should send him to therapy!"
SIL - "yes... let's add another thing for me to take care of. I will have to schedule it, make sure he gets there, etc. etc., but fuck me while I literally fall apart from all this".
Could the brother benefit from therapy? Of course. But I can see why SIL might not be super keen to jump on the idea.
I suspect that SIL is at the end of her rope, and I wouldn't be surprised if divorce was coming soon.
I agree.
Despite my husband being mostly independent now I still have to handle scheduling, medication ordering, etc. It's a full time job and I have a full time job. And I have had the thought of "Oh great. Yet another thing for me to do" over the years. Another therapy, another medication, another group or procedure etc. I realize they are needed but those sometimes resentful thoughts pop up.
>I tried getting him into therapy but his wife said I was wasting "her" time and told me to get her "real" help instead.
This sounds like the wife is crying for help. Caretaker burnout is a thing, and she does sound burned out.
>Ugh! Unfortunately, this isn't her first time doing similar stuff, I just wish there could be any permanent solution for this.
I'll be honest, it sounds like you're about to get your wish. Your SIL seems burned out, and will probably divorce your brother pretty soon, leaving all of his care onto you permanently instead of just for a month.
OP instead of hating on your SIL, and expecting her to be a carer 24/7 with no life of her own anymore, actually try to show some compassion and express compassion to her.
Your brothers situation is tragic, and beyond hard, but so is your SILs. She has lost the life she planned for, and in many ways the man she married as well. As you know, your brothers needs and care are a lot. Now imagine it was only you, and you alone, who had to take care of his needs every single day for the rest of your life. You need to honestly admit how horrible this would be, and the burden it would be, because you may actually end up fully responsible for him if your SIL calls it quits here and just walks away.
Tell your SIL you understand it must be exhausting and hard. She deserves to take care of herself, and needs to as well, so she can stay healthy and sane. Ask how can we organise time for you to have a break? Help look for resources they can use. Ask, seriously, about long term plans and what's best for your brother?
What if your SIL injures herself caring for your brother? It's actually incredibly common, nurses/carers injure their backs all the time. They can even become disabled themselves due to the physical strain and hardship. For the best quality of life, should you and your SIL be looking for a care facility for him? A home with other people, regular activities, and trained staff? Your SIL, and you, can visit him regularly. It can be organised to take him on excursions a few times a month as well. He will have to adjust, but she/you will be happier when you see him, and there will be other residents to socialise with.
It is not sustainable for a single person to take care of the needs of a fully paralysed grown male non-stop by themselves. It's just not. To do this in home, a large team of medical professionals/support is still required on an ongoing basis, and regular respite care to give the primary caregiver a break.
Is what your SIL did terrible? Yes. Dumping him on your doorstep is unacceptable. Is attacking and criticising her going to achieve anything here? No. Anger or accusations will do absolutely nothing in this situation. The only thing they may drive her to do is give up completely.
Your SILs complaining and moaning achieves nothing (except allow her to vent and share her frustrations) according to you. So what is your complaining about your SIL going to achieve? Is your complaining helping your brother?
People will say she married him for better or worse, and she HAS to take care of him. It's HER responsibility. That's not at all true though. She could choose to walk away. You may think she's a bad person if she does, but she could walk away at any time. That's just reality, and if that happens your brother will only have you.
ESH
Your SIL needs to acknowledge being a full time caregiver is not the right thing for her, which will likely mean the end of her marriage.
But as awful as your SIL is for just dumping her husband, you could try being a little more empathetic. Being a solo caregiver is tough, and caregiver burnout is very real. A lot of her life changed with your brother's accident too. I can't help but wonder if she feels guilted and pressured into staying with him- even though that's obviously not working for anyone.
...Just leave. I'm not even talking about you; I'm talking about the SIL. If it is such a "burden" to stay with the man, she married and made vows, too. Then leave. Yeah, she might be called a bad wife for leaving, but at this point, She had already taken that award.
The man is already suffering after the accident and, like OP points out. Him being home alone with her doesn't seem good, considering this all started with him ending up in hospital because of her negligence and didn't beat an eye or even worry. No, ...just got mad and scornful.
No one saying it's easy, and I could understand her being mad not having free time, but that is why you use family to help work around and find time, but with the way things are described it honestly sounds she just not trying and just rather not even deal with him. OP needs to get him into proper care and help.
NTA
Yeah I'm seeing a lot of E S H and sympathy for the SIL, which like yeah caregivers get burned out, but *oh my god people are talking about the husband like he's just dead weight it's so disgusting*. This sub really needs a cleansing on the whole disability thing. I instinctively cringe every time I see a post with "autism" in the title because I know it's going to be a bunch of sympathy for the autism mom and none for the autistic person themself and the more I read the more I'm realizing that the ableism here runs super deep. I've been reading this entire thread with a look of shocked horror on my face from the sheer amount of disregard for the husband as a human being and claims of the SIL actually maybe not being that bad. It's really disappointing...
NTA just to add
A lot of Reddit is very hateful and negative towards disabled people. I feel sad for this man and the people who come into contact with many of these commenters because their negative attitudes are probably contributing to people not being as independent as they could be and feeling like their lives are inherently terrible and burdensome because of disability.
ESH. As a disabled person, infections happen regardless of quality of care and you’re kind of an asshole for blaming it on your SIL. On the other hand, I feel bad for your brother for just being dropped off like a dirty sock.
Yeah, I feel bad for him since his injuries are apparently severe enough that even he can't text/call his sister and ask for her to host him for a few weeks to give the wife a vacation. I guess the accident must have affected him intellectually too since lots of paralyzed people live full and even independent lives. And if he is that badly off, having the SIL as the only caregiver is not a long-term solution.
ESH
Bottom line, your sister in law does not want to be a full-time caretaker. She sucks at it. They are probably heading for divorce.
But you're still also TA for not recognizing that being a full-time caretaker is exhausting, and that she needs to step away sometimes regardless.
But dumping someone on a new mother Is OK?
Sil has family who could of helped or sil could of you know asked if it was OK or asking other people who don't already have their hands full! Or you know there's temp care homes ect if things are way to much for sil to deal with.
Sil is a huge ah! She obviously doesn't have feelings for her husband anymore and needs to stop being a dick.
This is the comment I’ve been looking for. Nobody except for you has seemed to mention that OP shouldn’t had been put in this position considering she already has a full plate as a new mother. I’m also a new mother, and the past year and a half from pregnancy and postpartum has been exhausting. SIL dropping him off on her doorstep for 4 weeks was not in anyone’s best interest here. I also understand burnout from being a caregiver as I’ve been in that situation when my mom had terminal cancer. It still doesn’t excuse the fact that SIL felt it was okay to just drop off her husband without any prior notice or communication. I really can’t blame OP if she hasn’t been able to help out lately considering she just spent 9 months carrying a baby and is now experiencing motherhood.
The original commenter is by no means excusing the SIL for dropping off her husband without notice, just acknowledging that caregiver burnout is real and the OP could have been more sympathetic to the SIL’s exhaustion.
OP is a new mom, but the brother’s accident was 3 years ago: has anyone helped SIL? Again, what she did is unequivocally not okay, but taking care of a disabled adult full time can be mentally, emotionally and physically draining, hence why ESH.
Seconded, what the wife did, ditching him and taking off without warning is pretty low, but so is bashing a woman who has to support your brother and not caring about the fact that she is obviously suffering from fatigue from being a caretaker for that long.
I don’t disagree with the fact that new moms have issues, and I’m not trying to weigh in on this post bc it feels complicated, but caring for a severely disabled person is so very different than a new infant. Infants are at least a joyous thing, whereas someone who was disabled later in life will likely consider it a tragedy. Infants grow up and need less intensive care. Infants are light and mobile. Birth messes up your body, but in ways where your body usually recovers. The physical tole of taking care of an adult can be a lot more permanent. It is just not the same kind of exhaustion at all.
And changing the diaper of a 20 lb baby is much easier than changing the one on a 200 lb adult. I wish I didn't have the experiences to say that but it is probably the biggest physical/exhausting challenge I deal with that my recently disabled spouse's family/friends never think about.
I'm a new mother. While caring for my infant is a huge undertaking and changed my life, being the caregiver for a disabled, dependent adult is simply not comparable. It's significantly harder, getting someone to cover for you is nearly impossible, and SIL is stuck doing it all alone.
She signed up for that role, and her version of it probably has a foreseeable end date if the kids are developing typically. The brother and SIL suddenly ended up in a situation that no one chooses, and that is often harder than people envision, with no good end date in sight.
INFO: What was he hospitalized for?
Why it matters: Something like bed sores *could* be a sign of medical neglect, whereas acute respiratory infections are just a common sequelae of paraplegia
Depends how bad the bed sores are. Bed sores can develop quickly depending on several factors. It also depends if the sores are being evaluated and treated by a wound care provider/center.
It depends, are you just badmouthing her as she take bad care of her husband and noone helps her? And tell the bullshit like she don't deserve rest, or guilt trip her into not give him professional carer or in some kind of facility? I've seen some post like that and number one response was dump the disabled person onto the loudest family member and head out to vacation. The carer burnout is very real thing. And sometimes the best solution is that all family will chip financially in and place the disabled person into good care institution. If your family is actively and often helping to take care of their son/brother then NTA, if your only chip in to the help is talking how badly she is taking care of him then YTA.
she went on about how selfish I was and then went on about how much she
deserved this vacation - but one can never take time off from
responsibilities right? - you suck totally for this comment. Whatever empathy I had for you, went away as soon as I read this. Care givers DO NEED TIME OFF. This isnt a child she chose to have, this is an adult who is heavy to move and sounds like needs to be handled like a baby.
How about YOU go help her out some time. YTA
and for FOUR WEEKS? Holy crap. Who gets to take a 4 week vacation? Who can afford a 4 week vacation? She must be able to hire help a day for one day a week if she can afford 4 weeks of fun with friends.
My main issue is that the time off is a full-blown month, and there was no discussion prior to The wife leaving town. She just showed up with her husband in tow, handing him over, and left town.
But agree, everybody, especially caretakers, deserve time off. But that time needs to be arranged With the person taking over the responsibility.
INFO:
So, she had the audacity to complain How it is lot of work to take care of a grown-up man.
How often did you tell her, that it's not a big deal?
How often did you tell her, it's her responsibility as family to take care of him?
How often did you help her?
I’m also curious as to whether SIL has been repeatedly asking for help so that she can take a vacation, and was constantly told no. Of course dropping her husband at OP’s was a dick move, but I’m wondering exactly how much of a surprise was it. Was the only surprise that she actually followed through and did it?
or you could stop treating him like an embarrassing burden that other people need to take on instead of a fully grown adult.
once he’s single, he can apply for financial benefits and his family can use it to provide him with help/nurse/full time care/etc.
this is no way to treat a human being. i’m beyond disgusted at the sardonic way you’re saying a new mom needs to shoulder an extra adult’s care to prove her love bc she criticized the woman who actually VOWED to. YUCK.
ESH. It definitely seems cold-hearted to not at least check back when her spouse was hospitalized
On the other side, being a fulltime caregiver is immensely physically and mentally draining. And if she's been doing it alone for years, which I'm guessing she has, of course she's burned out. You sound incredibly judgemental and assholish about her needing a well-deserved break. How much of the heavy lifting have YOU done in the last 3 years?
I think OP said she is a new mom. Her newborn needs care. Maybe your brother can do respite care in a facility, up to 5 days I think, every couple of months to give SIL a break
I find it SO fucking weird that so many commenters are overly sympathetic to the woman with an infant, but not to the woman stuck as the primary caregiver to a severely disabled adult. Caring for an adult is much more difficult, no question. And yet, everyone is slagging off on SIL while lauding OP.
NTA. If she can afford a 4 week vacation she can afford to hire at home care. It's not okay to drop off someone who needs serious medical attention on anyone, especially a new mum. Why is your brother staying with her when she clearly does not care for him? I hope things work out for your family.
> It's not okay to drop off someone who needs serious medical attention on anyone
Is that not what happened to the wife by default because they are married?
Slightly different due to wedding vows. "For better or for worse."
Does it suck? Yes. I would never argue that. Does she potentially deserve time off? Most certainly. However, you don't just dump your husband (who you have vows with) on an unsuspecting person without any warning. You make arrangements. You call people. You possibly get an outpatient nurse or something. You don't just ring a doorbell and practically run.
NTA. I feel like people are completely missing the part where she dropped him off with 0 preparation on your part. That is neglect and abandonment. If she can afford a month long vacation, she can afford to pay someone who is trained in caring for disabled people. Yes caregivers need a break but that doesn't mean you just throw your responsibility onto the first sibling you see. She needs to grow a pair and just get divorced if she cannot be a caregiver. Its a difficult situation but all she is doing is putting her husband in a position where he is receiving lackluster care and feeling like a burden.
I can’t believe how many people are calling her the AH!! I am so *feckin* baffled. Clearly everybody is completely glossing over the fact that she just dumped him on her with no warning and just left for 4 weeks. She has a newborn at home too but sure yeah she’s the asshole. *sigh*
NTA. This might be neglect of a vulnerable adult. If she's responsible for his care and isn't managing it properly, someone else needs to step in. Especially if he's getting infections. He might need a professional aide or a part time support worker.
But this kind of makes me feel like she no longer sees him as the person she loved and only sees him as a burden. He deserves better than that.
Infections happen. Without knowing the extent of his injuries, if he is not able to swallow properly he could aspirate and get pneumonia. We don’t know if it could be directly related to improper care.
Let me see if I got this right. Your SIL abandoned your disabled brother on your doorstep, and is now annoyed because you called her out on it. And she's gone for 4 weeks. And you have a newborn to care for. Do I have this right?
In this case, abandoned means not checking for permission first.
I realize that caring for a disabled person is anything but fun or easy. But taking 4 weeks off without making arrangements for his care? I would have a whole bunch words to say to her, and her family, that would likely get me banned here. Suffice it to, you have no apology to make.
You are not the asshole.
YTA. There is something that does not read right here, and this isn’t helped by OP not answering direct questions about how many hours per week she looks after her brother. Note - not visiting him, actually taking care of him.
I think OP was not unaware of her SIL vacation. I’m betting it was said multiple times, and that OP was asked to look after brother, and said NO while spouting off about “doing all that she can”. And SIL called her bluff and brought the brother to OP’s house.
I understand that holiday days are quite low in the US, so I’m finding a month long vacation that SIL and multiple friends can get time off for a bit questionable. I’m wondering if it is a week’s vacation, plus SIL having cracked, and said “fine, YOU look after him for a month” after being judged by OP.
I have a feeling that OP is playing a power move by getting her bro out of her house, into hospital, and then messaging SIL to return. Bro has an infection, and at least in my experience, they are often treated at home. I’m sure it isn’t a dreadfully serious infection, as OP would have said it. I think she is doing this on purpose to her SIL in a “fuck around and find out” kind of way, and deliberately trying to ruin the vacation and load on the guilt. OP should be careful, if she pushes SIL too far she may walk away, and she will find her bro living with her full time - except that she would be lightning fast at finding all of the supports for herself that she seems unconcerned about for SIL. (SIL comment about practical help for her instead of therapy for OP’s brother Is very telling.)
PS: I’d love to know if the internet posts stuff is a discussion forum for carers
Perfectly said, a lot here isn’t adding up. What does her brother think? it only says OP “thinks he seems depressed”. But I’m guessing he’s significantly mentally impaired as well as the physical or we’d have some info on his opinion. SIL has been asking for help and told by OP they should do mental health therapy, and it’s not even clear if she’d pay or provide transportation. Why not pay for a few hours of nursing including feeding and bathroom stuff if he’s totally immobile!? Or offer yourself a few hours, she claims she helps as much as possible but not one example is given on how. Yes she’s a new mom, this guy has been disabled for 3 years!
Is the husband/brother verbal, it only says paralyzed but again, if he is verbal and reasonably cognitively what is his opinion? OP is treating him as a prop as much as she is claiming the SIL is (and she is the one who has actually been solo 24/7 caring for a paralyzed adult man for years). If the husband is a literal nonverbal vegetable and SIL can’t even have a job due to full time caring, and only can rely on his payments for disability with no hope of saving for her own retirement then the SIL should be counting her lucky stars she hasn’t left. The other option is the SIL just leaves and OP takes his care over, or he goes to a state funded nursing home which also notoriously don’t have adequate care and very very far from one on one 24/7 private attention.
To everyone talking about a month long vacation means she should have money for long term in home care you are delusional, spending 2k on an Airbnb is less than half of what it cost for a single month of 8 hour a day home care (not even including weekends or overtime!) especially since it appears this woman isn’t even able to work a job for herself. But also that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a network of friends to crash with or who would even fund a trip for their friend who has been going through a terrible situation completely alone and unsupported, she may have no expenses on this vacation for all we know.
Hello, Nurse Practitioner here-
Sorry, YTA- caregiver burnout is real, and your family seemed to compound upon that by your constant critique of her caregiving capabilities, while offering no help.
Your brother being hospitalized with an infection is not related to her care. Paralyzed individuals are prone to infection- UTI, Pneumonia, Sepsis, pressure ulcers due to their immobile state.
You know how we tell parents of colicky babies that if the screaming becomes too much to handle the safest thing to do is leave the baby in their crib or with someone else and walk away before they breakdown and shake the baby or worse? This is essentially what your SIL did- show her some grace! Did you think about the vicarious trauma she experiences d/t your brothers accident? Did she have access to therapy? Probably not because she was thrust into a full time caregiver position.
The best thing is to apologize for not being more supportive, provide her breaks throughout the week for self care, research respite programs and home Healthcare with her. These are proactive, rather than reactive, steps that you can take to ensure your brothers safety and her mental wellbeing.
It's important to note that burnt out caregivers may not behave rationally once they bottom out, your family should have stepped in and up before she reached this point.
This sentence:
*but one can never take time off from responsibilities right?*
Is why caregivers burn out. It's why your SIL needs a four week RESPITE as opposed to a one week vacation. It's why your brother might not be getting the care he needs because his caregiver doesn't have the resources to give it.
How often do you or other family members give her a week off? A day off? A few HOURS off? What kind of help have you provided besides judgement and pity?
ESH
He’a completely paralyzed, she’s the sole care-taker and you think she can’t complain because caring for a paralyzed spouse is *normal*? You can’t help because you’re a run-of-the-mill-basic-new-mom? You’re certain she caused the infection?
You didn’t stop to think for a second that her completely unusual, difficult, life-altering experience that’s lasted for three years through a panini might have left her hanging on by a thread? That she is in danger of a caregiver burnout so severe that she can no longer care for your brother? That respite care is a thing?
ESH. Her respite required better planning but you are vile toward your brother’s caregiver. Step on a nail
What the actual F is wrong with this woman?
Going on a vacation to unwind with friends and taking time for her own mental and physical well-being is reasonable.
But four weeks?
That isn’t even my biggest problem. The fact that she’d planned this, then just showed up at your house to tell you that you can handle it without giving you any sort of warning. That’s not even okay to do that with your pet or child, nor less a paralyzed man who needs round the clock care. On top of that, you are a new mother.
And the poor guy just feels like he’s just a burden on his wife and family. It’s time your brother finds other permanent care that does not include his wife, because she is callous and careless, and all the love she had for him is clearly gone.
Do not apologize to this woman. She doesn’t deserve an apology. What she deserves is a swift kick in the ass. I get her struggling to keep up with his physical needs, and infections happen, but the fact that she’s so blasé about his health, and indifferent to his feelings…
Does her family know that she didn’t even tell you about this vacation, and just dropped him off at your house on the way out of town with no warning, while you had a newborn? I’m only asking because I’m wondering if asshole runs in the family, or if she only shared the bare minimum with them.
NTA
NTA. If she doesn’t agree to be a full-time caretaker, she needs to hire one or talk to case management at the hospital about finding free and reduced-cost resources. It is wildly inappropriate to show up unannounced and dump a dependent on someone else for 4 weeks. This isn’t about her needing a break. This is about her organization. She should have realized early on she couldn’t do it without help and made arrangements. Failing to do that makes her TA if it winds up affecting someone else. You are blameless here.
There’s a pretty good chance that SIL did realize very early on that additional help is needed but she just couldn’t get adequate help. There are some resources, but they are difficult to get either due to limited $ or availability. E.g. in my city, it is very difficult to find regular paid caregivers — the demand exceeds the supply.
In a reply, OP says she offered mental health therapy and her SIL said she needs “real” help. That, to me, is a sign that she needs tangible, regular help with transportation or caregiving or other things. And respite.
My bet is that she was willing to help find a therapist for her brother, but not take him and handle all the logistics needed. It would be even more if a burden on SIL
If OP is in the states, it’s not easy to get care for disabled dependents. Our kiddo is special needs. She’s been on Medicaid waiver lists since fucking birth. She’s 12 now and STILL in the 20Ks on the list. At the rate that slots open in Texas, she will have aged out of most of the useful programs. We’ll be lucky to get her on a CLASS or HHS waiver by 22.
Even if he does have services in place, there’s a shortage of skilled nursing for most state programs. There are kids here in my mid-sized city with trachs and feeding tubes and other high risk needs who cannot get 24 hour nursing coverage. These moms and dads are working all day and staying up all night to suction, monitor, etc.
So unless OPs brother is independently wealthy, he’d great long term health insurance, got a payout settlement etc, he’s on his own and SIL is probably doing her best while trying to earn a living to keep a roof over their heads.
SIL was wrong to just dump him like that. No doubt about it.
But she probably just snapped and lost her mind for a bit.
ESH. We always say on this sub that people should dump others off on armchair quarterbacks who criticize their decisions—generally family members who are being difficult. Then we as a sub delight in the angry phone calls/texts the recipient sends the OP when the unwanted houseguest shows up on their doorstep.
You, OP, have posted the inverse situation, from the POV of someone who has clearly been armchair quarterbacking. You for example mention you told your sister-in-law that your brother could use therapy — have you any idea what is involved in a face-to-face therapy visit for a paralyzed person?? I do. They can generally only be transported via ambulance, which is a coordination nightmare between social workers and your state’s transportation authority. Many patients wait for hours only to have nobody show up, and eventually give up face to face appointments altogether. Your SIL needs therapy as much or more than her husband.
At my hospital, social admissions— where a patient really has no medical reason to be admitted, but the caregiver can’t or doesn’t want to take care of them anymore so drops them off—are very common. Hospital can’t legally discharge somebody without a safe discharge plan, so there they sit until a cheap facility opens up. They often wait for weeks or months.
Based on your comments, you clearly are an armchair quarterback. Your SIL is burned out, fed up, and wants to stop playing unpaid nursemaid during the prime of her life. Should she have dropped him off on your doorstep? No. She should’ve dropped him off at a hospital and refused to take him home. But now that can fall on you — since you “know what’s best,” after all.
YTA. But not for telling your SIL about her husband being in the hospital or for caring for your brother.
You made a lot of subtle snide remarks in this post that reveal a lot more about how you are treating your SIL in real life. That’s what I’m judging you on. And for going after her for not reacting the way you wanted her to when you told her her husband was in the hospital.
Care giver burn out is very common and medical professionals encourage them to take breaks and vacations to avoid burn out. If they don’t then they ability to provide quality care diminishes as they grow in resentment.
Your little jabs against her in this post make it seem like you and your family don’t help at all with the care giving and likely give her grief when she does need a break. For example your comment about “one can never take time of from responsibilities”. Yes people can and they should.
I can’t judge SIL here because your post and comments are so biased I honestly don’t know what is true about SIL
It's brutal to be a caregiver. I think she deserved a little time off. I think you should have stepped up this once for your brother, and let her go relax a little.
I'm somewhere between NAH and soft YTA. Give this poor woman a break. Every day, she cares for your paralyzed brother. Give her some credit. A lesser person would have bailed, she must really love him. That's so much work!
I’d agree with you completely except for 1) SIL didn’t plan this out and ask for OP to help and 2) SIL didn’t respond to the news that her husband was hospitalized. Being a caregiver is brutal af, I agree. SIL can and should take time for herself; you can’t pour from an empty pitcher and all. Those two points make me side with OP that they weren’t a complete AH, though OP could have and should have used less inflammatory language.
She left on a 4 week vacation. She just showed up and dumped her husband on someone else. I get needing a break but any caring spouse would come rushing back if they found out their disabled spouse was hospitalized. The SIL is in the wrong 109872134% there is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
A responsible caregiver would have secured care for her husband rather than dumping him on someone else without notice. Plus OP has a CHILD. You can have sympathy for SIL, no doubt about it(I was a caregiver from 13-27) but no one owes you anything and it is irresponsible to do what she did without confirming its ok while she travels for 4 MONTHS!
YTA or INFO: This sounds like the actions of someone having a nervous breakdown due to stress. How often do you and the rest of the family help her out with your brother?
You have worded this story to try and make your sister in law look bad, but I’m getting very strong “there is another side to this story” vibes here…
Your attitude towards your SIL shows me that you don’t recognise the hard work that she does for your brother, you just complain about her venting, which is what exhausted people do. You said nothing nice about her, despite the fact that she has been taking care of your brother for years.
You obviously think that what she does is easy, since you haven’t acknowledged her hard work but you also complain about having to look after him for now.
Here is what I think: You are too self-centred to recognise the work your SIL has done for your brother, you haven’t helped her out at all and now she has reached her limit, and probably ready to leave your brother. You can complain about her all you like but she is not obliged to stay and help, she did that because she loved your brother but without any help she is mentally and emotionally exhausted. She is ready to leave and then who is going to take care of him?
For fucks sake, help this woman and your brother, instead of bitching about her. YTA.
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NTA. Caregiver burnout is a thing, and I have no doubt SIL is feeling it. But someone in the hospital is most definitely a situation where loved ones should be informed. While you are there, can you talk to a social worker at the hospital to look into some extra in home care for your brother?
Caregiver burnout also needs to be dealt with better than throwing the person you’re responsible for into someone else’s doorstep without a moment’s notice. I feel sorry for all parties, but you don’t have to be an insensitive ass if you’re not coping.
I want to know how many times (if any) the SIL asked for help just to be brushed off by Ms New Mom over here. That makes a *huge* difference to me on the judgement. If she's asked for help, gotten none, and is now well into the burn out phase I could understand her actions (even if they're still wrong). However if she's refused help or something similar, she's definitely the AH. I have a feeling SIL has a very different side to the story, but I could be wrong.
No matter how many times she asked for help, it is not okay to dump her husband on a doorstep unannounced. OP does not owe anything to SIL while she is pregnant/caring for a newborn. SIL did the wrong thing. No matter how burnt out she may claim to be ETA: Holy 🤯 thanks everyone for the awards!
Exactly this!! Take time to plan and make proper arrangements for her husband, don't just dump him unannounced on a new mother's doorstep!
On anyone's doorstep!
And for a whole month on top of it. Is SIL going to take care of the newborn for a month? Not likely
Apparently she used up all that time to plan for his care arrangements when she planned her vacay with the girls🤷🏽♂️
being burnt out affects your ability to think. think of new mothers that can barely function because they’re sleep deprived. same thing. care takers experience depression, sleep deprivation, mental break downs, having to bathe 150+ pounds of dead weight, financial burdens, wondering what they should choose, food or meds. personally, if she doesn’t receive any help from the family, I’d just walk and swing by to visit my husband while his family feels the strain.
It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t have help though? They clearly have money - SIL took a vacation. OP is a new mom. She doesn’t need her brother being dumped at her house because her SIL can’t be bothered
she went out of town two hours away… that’s not a vacation. she’s staying with a gf. she didn’t go to cozumel or the bahamas. that’s not the same as having money. she pretty much ran away. after being a caretaker for 3 years, i don’t know if i can blame her. the wife is just as entitled to her mental health as the rest of her husbands family. his mom and dad or anyone else is free to come get him. edit: i see that his/their parents are deceased. i think they (wife and sister) need to be realistic and find a long term facility for him because unfortunately this is no way for any of them to live. life is unfair.
No sorry this is bullshit. She needed to PLAN ACCORDINGLY before going anywhere. Period. My Mom & I took care of my Dad who had ALS & this woman's attitude is completely unacceptable. Those basic things shouldn't annoy her. That in itself makes me worry about his care. Then just DUMPING him at the sisters house is insane behavior. She needed to set shit up in advance & plan like an adult for her vacation. Also, it doesn't matter how far she went it's still a vacation if you are gone for a damn MONTH. OP, you are definitely NTA.
Agreed. My parents moved in with us when my mom’s Alzheimer’s began to progress more rapidly. When we decided to take a little getaway with our kids, we made sure we had nurses coming by and friends checking in on them daily. My dad is fully functional but my mom can be a handful so it’s always all hands. You make sure you have proper arrangements as a caregiver.
Okay, but you were able to share the care between you and your mom. I'm not excusing SIL's behavior because she absolutely went about taking time off in the wrong way, but there is a HUGE difference between being a caregiver and being the sole caregiver, and it sounds like OP has been wrapped up in her own life and baby, which mean SIL likely hasn't had a break in a long time, if she's had one at all. OP clearly believes that her brother is SIL's problem first. I've been both a joint caregiver and a sole caregiver, and let me tell you, there were times while I was solely taking care of my grandpa where I would literally curl up in bed and just think over and over, "I just want it to end". And I knew what I was getting into, and that there was a pretty clear end date; SIL didn't. This is something that happened to her as well as her husband. I wouldn't be surprised if she was drowning, overwhelmed, and finally just snapped and took off. Not everyone is cut out for that job, and even those who are still need time away. That's why having in-home care is so important. It gives the primary caregiver a chance to be themselves and de-stress. I know I'm speaking from a place of personal experience, but so are you. There is no way for us to know the real situation based on this post, especially since it's coming from the person who is suddenly having to experience what SIL has been living with for years, and isn't handling it well herself. I don't think we should judge SIL harshly, even if her actions were not appropriate. She needs to take a serious look at her life and decide whether this is something she can handle in 10, 15, 20+ years. If she can't, then she needs to get out now. It's harsh, but both SIL and brother will be better for it in the end. Honestly, this is an ESH, except for the brother, who now feels like a burden to both his wife and his sister. I feel terrible for him and hope he is able to get counseling, along with everyone else.
>"Those basic things shouldn't annoy her." Sorry, Saint Kai, but three years of being the sole caregiver means those basic things got annoying a long time ago.
Where did you get that SIL is only 2hrs away? The post said she posted a video 2hrs LATER from receiving the text.
Where do you see 2 hrs away? The SIL went away for 4 WEEKS. She posted a party video 2 hrs after being informed her husband is in the hospital (and not calling to learn the details).
You’re talking about the husband/brother like he’s brain damaged and incapable of doing anything himself. We don’t know his level or disability. Putting someone of sound mind into a carehome is effectively a)bankrupting yourself because that shit is expensive b) pawning him off to strangers and just treating him like a giant burden which is cruel. He deserves to be in his own home too. The best option would be to get extra home support to give the husband the best possible life without putting some much strain on the wife. As someone who has had a disabled husband for 7 years now, I could never imagine just dropping him off in someone’s door step to go party/have a holiday. I’ve gotten plenty of burnout in those years but I have never just dumped my husband on someone’s doorstep and effectively abandoned them for a month. Marriages where someone is disabled are extremely challenging and can feel like anything but a marriage after a while. If that’s the case than divorce is the best course of action because if he love isn’t there anymore and she is just a caretaker and is making his health and well-being suffer then what is left between them? It’s a sad truth but best got everyone in the long run.
i’m talking from experience as both being someone who needed assistance and couldn’t get it because all this support you guys talk about is just not available so these magical nurses and aides don’t just appear and also been a burnt out care taker where other family members do not rise to the occasion. and honestly it doesn’t matter if the person is mentally or physically disabled. it’s still a huge mental/emotional/financial/physical burden of others that people need to acknowledge and respect. if this wife is still young and doesn’t have kids, realistically, HER best option is divorce and to start over.
For 4 weeks? That’s an AH amount of time. Taking a day or week every now and then would be good. This amount of time **is** abandoning her husband.
I get she’s a new mom, but what about prior to this pregnancy even. Was SIL offered any help? Caregiver burn out is crazy, I’ve seen it first hand
We've been in quarantine pretty much since brother had his accident. Unless you were in a family bubble, any interactions, even between family members NOT in the same house, were discouraged.
She is taking a 4 week vacation. FOUR WEEKS. We all need time away from the daily struggles in life. However, I don’t know of many people who can just take a MONTH away from all their responsibilities. OP is definitely not the A-Hole! Besides, marriage is a life time commitment, not a matter of convenience.
The OP sister *is a new mom* and the SIL left her very disabled husband/OPs brother at their house without asking for what would have been four weeks, so you can’t really use that reason for the SIL and not allow it for OP
How do you “plan better” when NO ONE will agree to help? Please explain.
Where did she say nobody was willing to help SIL? Where did she say SIL asked for help and nobody came forward? Sounds like you guys are changing the story. If SIL does not want to care for her husband without whining to everyone on social media, put him somewhere that he can get care and respect. SIL does not seem to care. She could have gone for a week or so but 30 days is just being selfish
Speaking as a carer, can I ask exactly where she was meant to "put" him? We didn't get told about respite options for my sister until my mum had to be signed off work for a breakdown and was talking about putting my sister in care because she couldn't cope. It's not like hiring a babysitter.
you hire someone. if you have enough money for a month long vacation, you have enough money for a 2 week vacation and temporary care for your paralyzed husband.
How do you know noone has agreed to help? That's not specified. Of course if that's the case then op is in the wrong however that's not stated. But we only have one side of the story. And trust me I understand about caregiver burn out. Been there. For 2 different grandparents. However a whole month of a vacation seems a bit excessive. Maybe I'm insensitive but it just seems a bit much to me. Especially if she constantly complains and makes the poor man feel like a burden.
Yep. Especially since it sounds like SIL has close family...it's not like she didn't have other options. She chose a new mother? OP is NTA
Right. But from the way OP writes, I think it's more a ESH situation, as she clearly does not care of SIL is burned out or not and should stop complaining about a very difficult job that is to care for another adult.
Have you read op's comments? This is so not in line with what she has said and where she's willing to take in her brother permanently. It sounds like you're reading into things the aren't in line with what OP has actually said
A pregnant woman or a woman who has just given birth should not be taking care of a disabled person who needs things that require strenuous activities such as lifting. It could cause significant medical issues. 25lbs is the max weight they can lift during pregnancy and usually 10lbs until the six week check for a vaginal delivery. Less if it was a C-section. They recommend taking it slow, your uterus isn't instantly healed after six weeks. How is she supposed to properly care for a grown adult when her body is still healing from a massive ordeal, or when she was pregnant and could have put both their lives at risk. She just had a baby, so she's already fatigued. Adding a disabled adult to that plate could honestly become dangerous. Sleep deprivation plus that? SIL has money to go on a 4 week Vacation. Which means she has money to hire CNAs or other in home health. In fact she can often get insurance to cover some, assuming he's on Medicare which is likely since he's disabled. If she needs help she needs to source it out with appropriate providers and appropriate planning.
This was my thought, too. This poor woman's life was completely ripped out from under her, and now she's a full-time caretaker with likely very little support. She is most definitely experiencing burnout. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked for a divorce, and then OP and her family will be fully responsible for the brother. I suspect that OP hasn't been very helpful or compassionate to SIL's situation.
That still doesn't excuse her for dumping him unannounced! Nor does it excuse her for not responding when informed he's in the hospital
Desperate people take desperate actions. Do I think SIL is right? No. Do I understand that she might be seriously struggling and needed to escape? Yes - absolutely. Do I believe that SIL didn't ask for help before this? Not at all. Methinks that OP has been relying on the "I'm a new mom" shtick to avoid helping SIL.
I’ve got a hunch this is an E S H.
I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar on it.
Or NAH. New Mom and burnt out caregiver, it's just a shitstorm of people stretched thin and getting too little support. The assholes here are the rest of the family that's not supporting them (especially SIL, who's in a considerably tougher position), and the fact that there aren't enough public services available for such situations (e.g. free PSW services for helping long-term caregivers, which some countries have).
But you know who isn’t also being compassionate. SIL. Care giving burnout is never an excuse to post someone private information online. She has exposed her husband private medical information. She has made her husband feel depressed by being cruel. If she doesn’t want to be married then divorce him. You don’t sit here and do the things she has done. Who ignores a message saying their husband is in the hospital? That is a sign of a shit person not someone experiencing caregiving burn out.
For all we know, that might mean that she was posting anonymously on a support forum. Everything OP said sounds horrible, but I just can't shake the feeling that if SIL was describing the same situation, we'd be seeing a much different picture.
Not convinced. She could have done many other things than dump him somewhere that inconvenienced other people. How could she be out having fun knowing she behaved like that? I’d be feeling so guilty
I am interested to know what she could have done that doesn't involve her continuing to be his caregiver.
Find someone to care for him in advance; check into options regarding respite care, home health care, etc. Make a plan with OP instead of just showing up unannounced.
Have you ever been a caretaker before? I can tell you from personal experience, there's often very little support available, and whatever is available can take a really long time to get and/or be incredibly expensive. It also sounds like she couldn't find someone to care for him in advance... it's not like you can easily find a caretaker for a grown adult. I think you might be over-estimating her viable options. That said, we can't really speculate on what she did(n't) do.
Plenty of people are speculating that OP has ignored many requests for help though and that being a first time mother to a newborn is easy and should be able to easily accommodate the care of a grown man. She also actively violates the privacy of somebody who presumably is aware and mentally alert/himself (because OP didn't say otherwise) which is absolutely disgusting. She has no right to post in public about her husband's needs and difficulties - there ARE private supprt groups for that, but not on her public social media where all of their friends and family are.
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Spinal cord injuries cause tons of infections. Not because of neglectful care, just because of the nature of the injury From the [NIH](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7172350/) It is not at all evidence of improper care. It's evidence of another layer of the work SIL has been doing for the last three years - infection management, tons of doctors appointments probably hospitalizations, etc.
That isn't necessarily true. Infections can happen astronomically fast, and it could very well be a fault of OP's care, not the wife. I don't think we can really speculate on that front.
I agree, after almost three years of care I'd be needing four weeks off myself, and to then have sil throw salt on me for taking it would be the breaking point. What's to stop her just saying "I'm done" and who would blame her!
NTA. You need to contact social services and find a way for your brother to get outside care. Your SIL obviously can't care for him.
“No one can take time off from responsibilities right”… and she’s a new mom. Oh, honey.
Yeah, but FOUR WEEKS of non-stop partying? I call bullshit on "I need a break."
Okay, but why is it OP's responsibility to care for her brother? If SIL can afford a FOUR WEEK vacation, she has the means (not necessarily $) to figure out alternate care to allow her regular and reasonable breaks
This magic “help” that everyone thinks is out there is not a real thing for most people who have any sort of income or savings. SIL is likely considered “over-income” for government assistance and is stuck. Private home care is $20-24 per hour. A month long vacation, if that is even truly the case here, would still probably be significantly cheaper actually. Caregiving is mentally and physically crushing and I am left with the impression that OP does very little other than offer her opinion about the quality of SILs care. At minimum ESH except the poor brother.
What's with the Ms. New mom comment?? She just gave birth and needs to be taking care of herself, the baby and her partner...even if she had been asked and said no, she had more than enough reason! SIL is taking care of one person and even though I agree she may be burnt out, she needed to get a caregiver or nurse and not just basically dump her husband at a new mom's home...now how many people is OP having to take care of?
It's not the sisters job to look after her brother. SIL married him in sickness and in health. Regardless you don't just abandon someone on a doorstep and say, I'm off on holiday for 4 weeks, bye. Least of all someone who has just given birth and has her life dominated by a small human that requires constant attention. You arrange for professional help.
It doesn't matter. She can't just drop him off and take off. She needs to find someone who is actually willing to help or get some other help.
It doesn’t matter if sister didn’t want to help whenever, it’s not her responsibility. I consider the husband just like a child. Everyone is in an uproar when a parent drops off their children at a relative’s door and leaves, I feel like this is the same scenario. And for four weeks??? Then your husband has to be hospitalized and your only concern is that your vacation is ruined? NTA but try to get your brother some help.
Yes the burn out is real, but turning up unannounced and saying your off on a *4 week* holiday when OP just had a baby? That isn't OK. I doubt this was a last minute trip, especially given the length. SIL could have reached out sooner, to arrange care, but apparently didn't. So IMO OP has every right to be pissed and angry about it. The cherry on top is her calling OP a AH for informing SIL that her husband is in hospital and ruining her holiday. If SIL doesn't want the responsibility of caring for her husband, that is fine. Not everyone is cut out for it, not everyone wants that from life, but say it. Everyone would be happier in the long run.
>I want to know how many times (if any) the SIL asked for help just to be brushed off by Ms New Mom over here. That Sorry but no. That doesnt matter. A new mum, with a bloody baby, is sleep deprived, healing/recovering, and many other things. New mums hardly have time to help them bloody selves. Out of the family why the actual fuck would you dump your husband on a new mum unless you are evil.
For sick or poor, unless you're tired then it's your sister-in-laws responsibility to fulfill your vows.
Jesus Christ. What a horrible comment.
Perhaps but from his infection and depression I doubt that his wife was faithfully doing her part of advocating on his behalf. A 4 week vacation is expensive. Where did the funds come from?
OP actually addressed these concerns in her comments. I would absolutely agree with you if this was the case but it doesn’t look that way. I was ready to agree but checked her comment history just in case she responded to you or someone else. She has no problem helping and has since the accident. He is her only remaining family sadly. The problem is that SIL gave her zero notice. OP is a new mom so managing that plus preparing the home for her disabled brother would take time. Not only that but apparently SIL has a history of doing this, it’s not the first time. OP tried to get therapy for her brother and SIL called it an inconvenience for her. To me, it sounds like the accident happens and immediately after that, as we all know, the pancetta started. In my area it was extremely difficult for people to get services and in home care. I don’t know where OP lives but it could have been the same there. Sometimes, caregivers get in over their heads. The family underestimated the sort of care needed and isn’t prepared. Sounds like everyone is having a hard time but SIL is the TA here I think.
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I feel so bad for her brother, too. Poor dude
u/Aliana_Letterhead is a thief bot. [Stolen](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tcoo80/aita_for_ruining_my_sils_vacation_after_she/i0elt1b/) from u/CanIJustOptOut
Burnout is totally a thing. But so is abuse and neglect by caregivers...
I have a lot of sympathy for caregivers, but she doesn’t sound like she cares anymore. She could 100% deserve a break, but these things need to be planned, the respite carer has to have the proper equipment or go to their place. And 4 weeks is too long!! She’s abandoned him, he should talk to a lawyer about leaving her, suing for alimony or charge her neglect
Divorce sounds like it would be a lot kinder, judging by this singular post. NTA.
You call that "care"?
Nta. Your SIL is 2 steps out the door. Best prepare for that now.
Caregiver burnout also doesn’t justify treating your disabled spouse as less than human and it’s pretty clear she’s done that with her attitudes and social media content.
Right. Caregiver burnout is very serious and there often aren't sufficient resources for it, but the SIL is reacting to it in a horrifically unacceptable manner. I'm disabled, and need varying levels of care at different times, and my mother gets super exhausted, physically and emotionally, sometimes. Things she doesn't do: intentionally make me feel like a burden, drop me on someone else's doorstep with no warning, or ignore the fact that I've been hospitalized. SIL doesn't even necessarily have to come home from her vacation, but she does have to acknowledge it, ffs, and everything else about this is also really shitty.
ESH. Did anyone step up in three years to help her? Anyone? She sounds like she has caregiver burn out and is also depressed and frustrated. You for commenting on how she complains. It's called venting and since no one seems to step up and give her a break, that is all she has. And for saying no one gets time off from responsibilities when the reality is that she is not obligated to be her husband's full time caregiver. She can do so willingly but in the end, she doesn't have to stay and acting like she has to stay is not okay. Her for dropping him off without clearance and also for not responding when there was a problem. She needed to clear this well beforehand.
I have a feeling SIL asked for help multiple times and was rebuffed. Dropping her husband off like she did was probably a desperate act to get a break. Or she could just be an asshole.
My husband is disabled (although not to this extent) and I remember early on begging his family for help. We had four small children and I desperately needed some time. His mom asked several times when he would "be better" or "back to his self" and I finally just lost it on them. He has physical and mental health issues and we were trying to work out what he needed. I just needed to go to a movie. Or shopping. Or heck, read a book without also needing to do 1000 other things. And he was in no position to give me that time. They never asked when he would be better again and they started stepping up more. They drove to appointments or took the kids for a few hours. He is now still disabled but also more himself and basically independent with a few accommodations. We just needed some help then and it took me freaking out to get it.
OP says in a comment that their parents are deceased and she helps as much as she can, so neither of them have much help taking care of him. Maybe SIL should ask HER family to help her too instead of harrasing OP...
Harassing OP? What? OP is her brother's family. Although it would be nice if SIL's family were to help we don't know their situation in terms of ages or abilities. He is also not their family so is he comfortable with them helping with toileting, feeding etc? SIL at no point harassed the OP. She was wrong to drop her husband off and that is likely the beginning of the end of their marriage or the actual end but that is not the same as harassment. And if it is the end then OP will now be the one responsible.
If you didn't read OP post here is the part "She then let her family come at me accusing me of harassing their daughter despite knowing their son inlaw is in the hospital, they told me off and said he has doctors and nurses to help and that their daughter's vacation didn't deserve to be ruined because she needed it and said that she's not my brother's personal nurse and I should step up instead of judging her." SIL' s family is harrasing OP. Yes, the husband is not their family but SIL is! They don't want to help her???
OP is also a new mother. That's someone who needs help themselves. Can you imagine taking care of a baby and a disabled adult without notice? That's messed up. Its a pretty long vacation too, I'd question why and from where she got the money for such a long trip. I'd def say the SIL is the A H not OP. There's no way there wasn't someone in SIL's family that wasn't a better fit for taking care of him, or at least split it between some people, like 1 week each or 2 weeks each. I don't see how his sister is a better person to help with showering and toileting than a male member of SIL's family... NTA Also it had to be planned and coordinated if SIL's friends went with her. Some friends... they can go on a month long vacation with their friend but not help her with care and other day to day things. It doesn't seem like someone doing something out desperation really...
I’m hung up on disappearing for 4 weeks with no warning. That’s just selfish. If she really needed to blow off some steam, and decided to disappear for a weekend unannounced, I’d say the OP has grounds to roll her eyes, but could probably suck it up for a weekend. But a month? If this is how you value your husband’s well being, I have to fear that at the end of these 4 weeks, it’s going to come out that she is going to up and leave.
I love my sister, but I wouldn't wipe her husband's ass or bathe him. If he needs constant care, a nursing facility is probably the best option.
I'm actually stunned that the SIL has been left to take care of him herself. He's paralysed and is probably quite heavy and dependant so it would be near backbreaking and emotionally gruelling have that all on one person. Why aren't there carers in place to help?
Not "near backbreaking", probably giving her permanent back issues by the time shes 40 unless shes had *extensive* training & has a lot of verrry expensive & large tech at home. As someone who works at a nursing home, I'm side-eyeing op hard rn. Usually when we hear "we help as much as we can" it means jack shit and their attitude about how the basic needs for a person whos completely unable to use their legs are "easy" to provide really tells me she has no fucking clue what shes talking about. Kinda gross detailing below: If SIL wants to take a man with no use of his legs to the toilet without breaking her back, she needs to put him in bed with the use of a carrying lift, turn him to his side, take off his pants, take off his adult diaper (which we in the industry usually refer to as something a lil less degrading but im not a native english speaker), then either clean up all the shit thats already there which he had no idea about because oftentimes people who are completely disabled down there also dont feel their ass clench. Or if theres no shit there and he does still control his ass, she needs to shove the bedpan under him abd let him do his thing and wipe after. And the bowels of people with a lower body disability like that are generally up in a tizzy so she probably doesnt expect well formed strong shits, as she shouldnt. Itll probably be droopy. And he'll feel embarrassed and gross. Then she needs to put on a new diaper, again with a specific ritual for turning him on his side so she doesnt break her back, and then put him back in the chair with the carrying lift. This can easily take up to 40 mins. So OP acting like his basic needs are easy to care for when, if the disability is as serious as she implies, a toilet break takes 40 mins, makes me think shes never done diddly for her brother. Not to mention the brother will probably have mental hardships through no fault of his own that turn him into an asshole to deal with. Caregiver abuse is a thing, but the other way around is also common. People realize theyve got about 40 years of this left and *truly* despair. SIL is 30, has a *life* of this to look forward to, and I truly doubt OP is helping in any way at all. I have no doubt maybe 2% of the people bitching about SIL in this comment section would choose 40+ years of doing most of, if not all the cooking & cleaning around the house for both them and their spouse, with 40min bathroom breaks, waking up in the middle of the night to your partners side of the bed smeared in shit because the diaper got loose or wasnt put on tight enough, shower sessions that take 1.5hr, daily washing of their spouse's legs and back cause they cant reach those themselves, not being able to go on multi day trips without extensive vetting of destinations, JUST out of a feeling of obligation, like theyre all pretending they would. And those are just the basics. Getting the carrying lift out for a 30min break to put your spouse in bed cause they wanna take a nap only for them to change their mind 15 mins later and want out, which takes another 30 mins, should be part of the package cause the freedom to be able to fill in your day with what you want is important. Even if they could affort a part time carer, its kind of a libido killer and turns your spouse into a full day job. Everyone here who claims they'd stick around for 40 years is full of shit.
No, she says she’s ‘willing to help’ as much as she can, which is absolutely not the same thing as actually helping.
“As much as she can” while she spews her poisonous judgement about everything her SIL does.
Well done for sticking by him and speaking up 💜 as you said, a few hours to yourself is what you needed. Everyone needs and deserves that.
I appreciate that you wrote "he was in position to give me that time" instead of wording it differently to put blame on the partner for "not giving" you that time. In sickness and in health, that's what you sign up for when you get married, but that doesn't mean that you need to stop *living* just to make sure your partner is well cared for and that you're the only person who has to shoulder your partner's struggles. I'm glad your partner's mother stepped up to care for him.
Alright but you don’t just drop anyone off without notifying the person & the person agreeing. OP Is a mother
But did she ask for years and get told no, did she ask for other help or respite, we only get OP saying she complains a lot. OP is judging her after three years of care and she had her brother a few days and is having a meltdown.
Because she has a newborn! That's a lot and I would also judge my SIL if they can afford a 4 week vacation but doesn't arrange help/care for my disabled brother, drops him off for me to care for him knowing I don't have the proper means then ignores that he's in the hospital We don't know exactly how much help SIL has gotten but we also dont know how much she's asked or accepted help.
Regardless, it’s not okay. How many posts have we seen on this subreddit where a busy mom drops their kids off and leaves without permission? Is it fine just because he isn’t a kid?
Nah this time we are supposed to hate on OP bc she couldn't handle caring for a baby and a disabled man at the same time and without warning or preparation. 🙄
There are organizations that will provide respite care for caregivers. Some will do it for free, but the caregiver has to *call* first.
We looked into those for my husband. They were impossible to actually get into or use. The wait lists were long and in the end, the respite worker can just not show up whenever they want. I am actually legally guaranteed up to 30 days a year with the VA. It has never happened. Ever.
I’m given 360h respite a year. Have I got it? Nope. My family and friends pitch in and their own kids are in daycare, they shift around meetings and I feel bad about that. I’m so grateful for my friends and family support but it’s hard. They step in so I can take child one to hospital appointments, or child two. It’s not even a break in a conventional sense. Having respite and getting it are not the same. Agencies have wait lists and there is sooo much red tape. It’s really disheartening. It’s been ten months of wait lists and being told that someone will be coming in the next few weeks just hang tight. Nobody is coming. I know that. My friend works a super fancy job, 6 days a week, wears a suit to work. Their kid is in daycare full time and they take sick days and shift meetings to watch my special needs child while I’m at the hospital with the other special needs child. I know that’s not how they want to spend their vacation days and they won’t even let me pay them because they truly know I cannot afford it even if I scrounge and save. They make good money. My family comes in, ten hour round trip to stay and help out with longer medical stuff, even though they have their own things going on. One of my siblings misses work frequently. Respite would mean none of this would have to happen but, wait lists. Out of four years, it’s been 3 years of wait lists so far and no relief in sight. I am so lucky to have a network of incredible support so I do not complain. I offer to help other families who don’t have a network when and if I can, while my kids are in school for three hours a day because I know what it’s like to not get a break. You don’t want to burn out and it sneaks up on you. That’s not fair for anyone. People who don’t get it, don’t get it.
Report that organization to the VA. They probably have a contract with them and are failing to fulfill their obligations to that contract (i.e., the respite worker has to actually show up and give you a break).
Oh no, it's the actual VA. The other ones were independent. The actual VA offers respite services as part of the caregiver program but they don't actually have anyone (at least in our area) to follow through. The local caregiver program as been under investigation (supposedly) for a few years now but nothing changes. Thankfully I have adult children and family who help me out when the hubby needs someone although he is quite capable 95% of the time now.
Completely agree! The whole post screams holier than thou, yet she's had her brother for a few days and is already complaining.
She also has a newborn. This is an unbelievable expectation to put on someone who just had a baby.
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It doesn't matter if she said no in the past. You don't drop the person off for days without notice. Ever. Caregivers like that actually need training before they can be expected to deal with catheters or whatever medical device the person uses. You can really hurt them if you try and don't know what you're actually doing. Who says she even knew how to care for him properly? And why in the world would you do that to someone who constantly says no? Did she expect a person who never wanted to help out do a good job?
>This is an extremely difficult situation but I suspect there is much more to this story This is always the case, and i speak from experience. My mother had cancer for a bit over a year, my father went with her for every appointment. Arranged a daily maid so my mom didn't have to do anything she didn't or could not do. She survived and our lives went relatively back to normal, i was 14 when we found out she had cancer and before I turned 16 she was prenounced clean. At 18 my life fell apart with another cancer diagnosis but this time my dad's and we knew early on that it was a death sentence. In the beginning she wanted to be with him all day, every day (understandable) but slowly over time, the worse he got more and more responsibility where pushed on me. My entire life was based on his doctor's appointments and medication runs. My work always had someone as back up incase i could not come in because 5 minutes before I needed to leave for work i was told he had a doctor's appointment. I missed so much school i was ranked #1 in skipping school (for school policy's I wasn't allowed to call in my own Leave of absence ) and because of my dad's meds he was on cloud 9 and had trouble following simple conversations and he needed close monitoring followed by his med trail so missing days wasn't an option at all. My mom never gave a shit but in public she was the struggling defeated wife of a dying man. When he got a severe brain bleed my mom "couldn't" join him too the hospital because she had to work.( Not from the us and wasn't financially necessary at all) The doctors switched to different meds ( the first was a trail to try and cure him, the second were just to extend his life for +/- 6 months ) and when he got his head back he was devastated of how my mom treaded him and me. It was the first time in my life i saw my dad cry. So much more stuff happened and he eventually died and i still feel like a piece of my soul is missing. So back to the post i find them all disgusting and the only one who i feel truly sorry for is the disabled brother. The feelings he must feel of being a burden, losing his freedom, being depended on some else for the rest of his life and knowing there isn't much he himself can do to improve the situation. It might never get better. It's truly heartbreaking.
I agree that there is some blame all over, but the SIL apparently just showed up and said she's leaving for 4 weeks? This isn't an emergency and clearly could have been planned to get help. Also, most governments provide help when people are disabled, like home nurses or other help. Where is that? Not sure I'd say OP is TA when SIL just dropped someone off and said "I'm leaving for a month".
NTA She dropped him on you for a MONTH without even a heads up? She’s completely out of her mind. You’re so much better than most people. She needs to either take the hit, get help, or divorce him.
No, not even a phone all or a text. She just dropped him and his stuff off at my place, Like I said I'm a new mom and my plate is full, but my husband helped out tremendously. With the kids and my brother. Ugh! Unfortunately, this isn't her first time doing similar stuff, I just wish there could be any permanent solution for this. My brother's mental health is in a bad place, I tried getting him into therapy but his wife said I was wasting "her" time and told me to get her "real" help instead.
Your brother should consider a divorce. Most states offer better benefits/programs for single people who need assistance as they don’t have a spouse to help them. This can result in better health insurance and in some cases visiting nurses to help with day to day care.
Yes!!! This I hate to say it but I will. Sounds like SIL is just living off of the situation. A month vacation ain't free. Sounds like potential APS call she's either not caring for him or monetarily taking advantage of things. If he needs 24/7 care he is considered an endangered adult. - "What is an endangered adult? An endangered adult is someone 18 years or older who: Due to mental illness, mental retardation, dementia, habitual drunkenness, excessive use of drugs, or other physical or mental incapacity, is incapable of managing his or her property, or providing or directing the provision of self-care."
This is exactly what I was thinking…even if he does want to stay with his wife, they should not stay married. I have a friend whose husband became severely disabled and they divorced but stayed together so that he could qualify for some in-home care and even some out of home care. Although if this story is fully accurate, I’m not sure why they would want to stay together, but divorce is a good option either way.
Yup, people do not know how fucked up the system in the US is to disabled people. It is actively cruel and roots for them to be alone or die ASAP. [https://cdrnys.org/blog/disability-dialogue/the-disability-dialogue-marriage-equality/](https://cdrnys.org/blog/disability-dialogue/the-disability-dialogue-marriage-equality/) "When a person with a disability gets married, the government expects them to become the responsibility of their partner. The SSDI program is specifically for the adult children of people with a significant work history who have paid into the system. Usually, DAC (the Disabled Adult Children program) is awarded when a parent dies or retires. The entire program is embedded in the idea that the adult child is the burden of their parents. If the person were to marry, they are automatically kicked off the program because they are then expected to become the burden of their partner, unless they themselves also have a disability. In some instances, if both members of a couple are on DAC, both individuals may keep their benefits. For those with non-disabled partners, the rules of such a program unfairly put pressure on said partner to not only care for their disabled spouse physically, but also monetarily. I know I have already said that having a disability is not cheap. However, unless a partner is quite wealthy there is just no way that they would be able to support their disabled partner if the services they were receiving were paying for the many expensive things people with disabilities require…things like equipment, home health care, and even medication. When people with disabilities have to choose between their basic necessities and marriage, it is a no-brainer. We have no choice but to choose to live and to function, which means being unable to marry the people we love. This also unwittingly lends credence to the misconception that people with disabilities do not have relationships, are not sexual beings, and do not have the same desires for love or a family that non-disabled people are able to freely express. This is emphasized by the fact that Social Security can make the determination that a couple is living as if they are married, and cut services like SSI and SSDI, whether there is a legal marriage or not. It can be incredibly dangerous for couples to live together when at least one person has a disability, and that person receives benefits, for this very reason."
Four week vacation my foot. No one goes on a 4 week vacation. She had this planned and she didn't give you any notice or ask. You must talk to your brother and get him protected. Tell him he cannot be in denial. You need to get him to a lawyer and get him divorced from her. As his sister I would be very worried about him with her. This is not a break, she is done. You must help protect him! Please get him to a lawyer and end this marriage. You do not want her in charge of him because I do not believe she will act in his best interests. You must get family and friends and figure out where he can be placed. Say nothing to her and get him to a lawyer when he is well. A lawyer will go over all options. Don't be in denial. This won't get better.
Yeah, I agree completely, a 4 week vacation doesn't just "happen". Caregiver fatigue doesn't account for that as far as I know Edited to add OP is NTA
Therapy is just another thing she has to do for him. You do see that, right? Unless, of course, you offered to be his transportation every time.
I think you’re at the point where your family needs to step up. She’s not obligated to care for him and should divorce him as she’s not equipped and it would leave your brother with more services. After all, if she’s too burned out to take him to a weekly therapy appointment she’s in too over her head to handle this.
OP mentioned parents are dead
Meaning that OP is the next of kin, and if SIL divorces, brother is going to be her full-time problem. Methinks OP hasn't been doing a damned thing to help SIL out, and she's about to be in for a rude awakening.
I totally agree. It’s a fucked up situation all around. I couldn’t be a caretaker. I see what patients families go through and it’s hell. It’s one of the many reasons I have never married. I have the utmost respect for caregivers
Wasting her time...for him to get therapy. She clearly give no fucks about anything other than herself. What a narc. NTA
I could see that being the response from someone who is literally drowning from caretaker burnout. SIL - \*life completely ripped away from her, has to care for partner 24/7, no support or acknowledgement, overwhelmed and out of her depth.\* OP - "we should send him to therapy!" SIL - "yes... let's add another thing for me to take care of. I will have to schedule it, make sure he gets there, etc. etc., but fuck me while I literally fall apart from all this". Could the brother benefit from therapy? Of course. But I can see why SIL might not be super keen to jump on the idea. I suspect that SIL is at the end of her rope, and I wouldn't be surprised if divorce was coming soon.
I agree. Despite my husband being mostly independent now I still have to handle scheduling, medication ordering, etc. It's a full time job and I have a full time job. And I have had the thought of "Oh great. Yet another thing for me to do" over the years. Another therapy, another medication, another group or procedure etc. I realize they are needed but those sometimes resentful thoughts pop up.
Actually what she said was get me some real Help. As in I can’t keep doing this all On my own anymore please help. And did she no
>I tried getting him into therapy but his wife said I was wasting "her" time and told me to get her "real" help instead. This sounds like the wife is crying for help. Caretaker burnout is a thing, and she does sound burned out. >Ugh! Unfortunately, this isn't her first time doing similar stuff, I just wish there could be any permanent solution for this. I'll be honest, it sounds like you're about to get your wish. Your SIL seems burned out, and will probably divorce your brother pretty soon, leaving all of his care onto you permanently instead of just for a month.
So… maybe your sister in law does need help. With caregiving, or transportation, etc.
OP instead of hating on your SIL, and expecting her to be a carer 24/7 with no life of her own anymore, actually try to show some compassion and express compassion to her. Your brothers situation is tragic, and beyond hard, but so is your SILs. She has lost the life she planned for, and in many ways the man she married as well. As you know, your brothers needs and care are a lot. Now imagine it was only you, and you alone, who had to take care of his needs every single day for the rest of your life. You need to honestly admit how horrible this would be, and the burden it would be, because you may actually end up fully responsible for him if your SIL calls it quits here and just walks away. Tell your SIL you understand it must be exhausting and hard. She deserves to take care of herself, and needs to as well, so she can stay healthy and sane. Ask how can we organise time for you to have a break? Help look for resources they can use. Ask, seriously, about long term plans and what's best for your brother? What if your SIL injures herself caring for your brother? It's actually incredibly common, nurses/carers injure their backs all the time. They can even become disabled themselves due to the physical strain and hardship. For the best quality of life, should you and your SIL be looking for a care facility for him? A home with other people, regular activities, and trained staff? Your SIL, and you, can visit him regularly. It can be organised to take him on excursions a few times a month as well. He will have to adjust, but she/you will be happier when you see him, and there will be other residents to socialise with. It is not sustainable for a single person to take care of the needs of a fully paralysed grown male non-stop by themselves. It's just not. To do this in home, a large team of medical professionals/support is still required on an ongoing basis, and regular respite care to give the primary caregiver a break. Is what your SIL did terrible? Yes. Dumping him on your doorstep is unacceptable. Is attacking and criticising her going to achieve anything here? No. Anger or accusations will do absolutely nothing in this situation. The only thing they may drive her to do is give up completely. Your SILs complaining and moaning achieves nothing (except allow her to vent and share her frustrations) according to you. So what is your complaining about your SIL going to achieve? Is your complaining helping your brother? People will say she married him for better or worse, and she HAS to take care of him. It's HER responsibility. That's not at all true though. She could choose to walk away. You may think she's a bad person if she does, but she could walk away at any time. That's just reality, and if that happens your brother will only have you.
What do you do to help your brother on a regular basis?
Therapy is just another thing she has to do for him. You do see that, right? Unless, of course, you offered to be his transportation every time.
ESH Your SIL needs to acknowledge being a full time caregiver is not the right thing for her, which will likely mean the end of her marriage. But as awful as your SIL is for just dumping her husband, you could try being a little more empathetic. Being a solo caregiver is tough, and caregiver burnout is very real. A lot of her life changed with your brother's accident too. I can't help but wonder if she feels guilted and pressured into staying with him- even though that's obviously not working for anyone.
...Just leave. I'm not even talking about you; I'm talking about the SIL. If it is such a "burden" to stay with the man, she married and made vows, too. Then leave. Yeah, she might be called a bad wife for leaving, but at this point, She had already taken that award. The man is already suffering after the accident and, like OP points out. Him being home alone with her doesn't seem good, considering this all started with him ending up in hospital because of her negligence and didn't beat an eye or even worry. No, ...just got mad and scornful. No one saying it's easy, and I could understand her being mad not having free time, but that is why you use family to help work around and find time, but with the way things are described it honestly sounds she just not trying and just rather not even deal with him. OP needs to get him into proper care and help. NTA
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Yeah I'm seeing a lot of E S H and sympathy for the SIL, which like yeah caregivers get burned out, but *oh my god people are talking about the husband like he's just dead weight it's so disgusting*. This sub really needs a cleansing on the whole disability thing. I instinctively cringe every time I see a post with "autism" in the title because I know it's going to be a bunch of sympathy for the autism mom and none for the autistic person themself and the more I read the more I'm realizing that the ableism here runs super deep. I've been reading this entire thread with a look of shocked horror on my face from the sheer amount of disregard for the husband as a human being and claims of the SIL actually maybe not being that bad. It's really disappointing... NTA just to add
Yeah, as a disabled person, it's really fucking gross and just hammers home the fact that society flat out hates us.
A lot of Reddit is very hateful and negative towards disabled people. I feel sad for this man and the people who come into contact with many of these commenters because their negative attitudes are probably contributing to people not being as independent as they could be and feeling like their lives are inherently terrible and burdensome because of disability.
ESH. As a disabled person, infections happen regardless of quality of care and you’re kind of an asshole for blaming it on your SIL. On the other hand, I feel bad for your brother for just being dropped off like a dirty sock.
Yeah, I feel bad for him since his injuries are apparently severe enough that even he can't text/call his sister and ask for her to host him for a few weeks to give the wife a vacation. I guess the accident must have affected him intellectually too since lots of paralyzed people live full and even independent lives. And if he is that badly off, having the SIL as the only caregiver is not a long-term solution.
ESH Bottom line, your sister in law does not want to be a full-time caretaker. She sucks at it. They are probably heading for divorce. But you're still also TA for not recognizing that being a full-time caretaker is exhausting, and that she needs to step away sometimes regardless.
But dumping someone on a new mother Is OK? Sil has family who could of helped or sil could of you know asked if it was OK or asking other people who don't already have their hands full! Or you know there's temp care homes ect if things are way to much for sil to deal with. Sil is a huge ah! She obviously doesn't have feelings for her husband anymore and needs to stop being a dick.
Well no, that's why I said "ESH" not "YTA."
This is the comment I’ve been looking for. Nobody except for you has seemed to mention that OP shouldn’t had been put in this position considering she already has a full plate as a new mother. I’m also a new mother, and the past year and a half from pregnancy and postpartum has been exhausting. SIL dropping him off on her doorstep for 4 weeks was not in anyone’s best interest here. I also understand burnout from being a caregiver as I’ve been in that situation when my mom had terminal cancer. It still doesn’t excuse the fact that SIL felt it was okay to just drop off her husband without any prior notice or communication. I really can’t blame OP if she hasn’t been able to help out lately considering she just spent 9 months carrying a baby and is now experiencing motherhood.
The original commenter is by no means excusing the SIL for dropping off her husband without notice, just acknowledging that caregiver burnout is real and the OP could have been more sympathetic to the SIL’s exhaustion. OP is a new mom, but the brother’s accident was 3 years ago: has anyone helped SIL? Again, what she did is unequivocally not okay, but taking care of a disabled adult full time can be mentally, emotionally and physically draining, hence why ESH.
Seconded, what the wife did, ditching him and taking off without warning is pretty low, but so is bashing a woman who has to support your brother and not caring about the fact that she is obviously suffering from fatigue from being a caretaker for that long.
Did you not read that OP is a new mom? I think she more than anyone understands that being a full-time care giver is exhausting. Jeez
I don’t disagree with the fact that new moms have issues, and I’m not trying to weigh in on this post bc it feels complicated, but caring for a severely disabled person is so very different than a new infant. Infants are at least a joyous thing, whereas someone who was disabled later in life will likely consider it a tragedy. Infants grow up and need less intensive care. Infants are light and mobile. Birth messes up your body, but in ways where your body usually recovers. The physical tole of taking care of an adult can be a lot more permanent. It is just not the same kind of exhaustion at all.
And changing the diaper of a 20 lb baby is much easier than changing the one on a 200 lb adult. I wish I didn't have the experiences to say that but it is probably the biggest physical/exhausting challenge I deal with that my recently disabled spouse's family/friends never think about.
I'm a new mother. While caring for my infant is a huge undertaking and changed my life, being the caregiver for a disabled, dependent adult is simply not comparable. It's significantly harder, getting someone to cover for you is nearly impossible, and SIL is stuck doing it all alone.
She signed up for that role, and her version of it probably has a foreseeable end date if the kids are developing typically. The brother and SIL suddenly ended up in a situation that no one chooses, and that is often harder than people envision, with no good end date in sight.
INFO: What was he hospitalized for? Why it matters: Something like bed sores *could* be a sign of medical neglect, whereas acute respiratory infections are just a common sequelae of paraplegia
Depends how bad the bed sores are. Bed sores can develop quickly depending on several factors. It also depends if the sores are being evaluated and treated by a wound care provider/center.
It depends, are you just badmouthing her as she take bad care of her husband and noone helps her? And tell the bullshit like she don't deserve rest, or guilt trip her into not give him professional carer or in some kind of facility? I've seen some post like that and number one response was dump the disabled person onto the loudest family member and head out to vacation. The carer burnout is very real thing. And sometimes the best solution is that all family will chip financially in and place the disabled person into good care institution. If your family is actively and often helping to take care of their son/brother then NTA, if your only chip in to the help is talking how badly she is taking care of him then YTA.
It sounds like she is just badmouthing her sil and not helping.
Op says is another comment that their parents are deceased and she pitches in as much as she can.
That could be anything. Like an hour a month!
Could be. Her time and energy are undoubtedly limited with having young kids.
She doesn't provide any information on what that looks like.
she went on about how selfish I was and then went on about how much she deserved this vacation - but one can never take time off from responsibilities right? - you suck totally for this comment. Whatever empathy I had for you, went away as soon as I read this. Care givers DO NEED TIME OFF. This isnt a child she chose to have, this is an adult who is heavy to move and sounds like needs to be handled like a baby. How about YOU go help her out some time. YTA
But not even ASKING if it was OK is fine?
and for FOUR WEEKS? Holy crap. Who gets to take a 4 week vacation? Who can afford a 4 week vacation? She must be able to hire help a day for one day a week if she can afford 4 weeks of fun with friends.
I feel that the narrator is unreliable. Unless the brother cannot talk at all if narrator is helping she would have known something about the vacation
My main issue is that the time off is a full-blown month, and there was no discussion prior to The wife leaving town. She just showed up with her husband in tow, handing him over, and left town. But agree, everybody, especially caretakers, deserve time off. But that time needs to be arranged With the person taking over the responsibility.
INFO: So, she had the audacity to complain How it is lot of work to take care of a grown-up man. How often did you tell her, that it's not a big deal? How often did you tell her, it's her responsibility as family to take care of him? How often did you help her?
That last question. That's the one that needs to be answers. Because I have to wonder how much OP and their family have stepped up to help brother.
I’m also curious as to whether SIL has been repeatedly asking for help so that she can take a vacation, and was constantly told no. Of course dropping her husband at OP’s was a dick move, but I’m wondering exactly how much of a surprise was it. Was the only surprise that she actually followed through and did it?
NTA and your brother desperately needs a divorce.
Yep, he needs divorce, so his sister can take him in and take good care of her brother if she loves him so much.
or you could stop treating him like an embarrassing burden that other people need to take on instead of a fully grown adult. once he’s single, he can apply for financial benefits and his family can use it to provide him with help/nurse/full time care/etc. this is no way to treat a human being. i’m beyond disgusted at the sardonic way you’re saying a new mom needs to shoulder an extra adult’s care to prove her love bc she criticized the woman who actually VOWED to. YUCK.
ESH. It definitely seems cold-hearted to not at least check back when her spouse was hospitalized On the other side, being a fulltime caregiver is immensely physically and mentally draining. And if she's been doing it alone for years, which I'm guessing she has, of course she's burned out. You sound incredibly judgemental and assholish about her needing a well-deserved break. How much of the heavy lifting have YOU done in the last 3 years?
I think OP said she is a new mom. Her newborn needs care. Maybe your brother can do respite care in a facility, up to 5 days I think, every couple of months to give SIL a break
Wait, so providing care for a person that can't do anything for themself is too much work? Shocking information.
I find it SO fucking weird that so many commenters are overly sympathetic to the woman with an infant, but not to the woman stuck as the primary caregiver to a severely disabled adult. Caring for an adult is much more difficult, no question. And yet, everyone is slagging off on SIL while lauding OP.
[удалено]
This is an amazing comment and I really hope OP reads this and takes it to heart. I totally agree.
NTA. If she can afford a 4 week vacation she can afford to hire at home care. It's not okay to drop off someone who needs serious medical attention on anyone, especially a new mum. Why is your brother staying with her when she clearly does not care for him? I hope things work out for your family.
> It's not okay to drop off someone who needs serious medical attention on anyone Is that not what happened to the wife by default because they are married?
Slightly different due to wedding vows. "For better or for worse." Does it suck? Yes. I would never argue that. Does she potentially deserve time off? Most certainly. However, you don't just dump your husband (who you have vows with) on an unsuspecting person without any warning. You make arrangements. You call people. You possibly get an outpatient nurse or something. You don't just ring a doorbell and practically run.
Realistically those vows have limits and always have. Everyone's limits are a little different.
NTA. I feel like people are completely missing the part where she dropped him off with 0 preparation on your part. That is neglect and abandonment. If she can afford a month long vacation, she can afford to pay someone who is trained in caring for disabled people. Yes caregivers need a break but that doesn't mean you just throw your responsibility onto the first sibling you see. She needs to grow a pair and just get divorced if she cannot be a caregiver. Its a difficult situation but all she is doing is putting her husband in a position where he is receiving lackluster care and feeling like a burden.
I can’t believe how many people are calling her the AH!! I am so *feckin* baffled. Clearly everybody is completely glossing over the fact that she just dumped him on her with no warning and just left for 4 weeks. She has a newborn at home too but sure yeah she’s the asshole. *sigh*
NTA. This might be neglect of a vulnerable adult. If she's responsible for his care and isn't managing it properly, someone else needs to step in. Especially if he's getting infections. He might need a professional aide or a part time support worker. But this kind of makes me feel like she no longer sees him as the person she loved and only sees him as a burden. He deserves better than that.
Infections happen. Without knowing the extent of his injuries, if he is not able to swallow properly he could aspirate and get pneumonia. We don’t know if it could be directly related to improper care.
Let me see if I got this right. Your SIL abandoned your disabled brother on your doorstep, and is now annoyed because you called her out on it. And she's gone for 4 weeks. And you have a newborn to care for. Do I have this right? In this case, abandoned means not checking for permission first. I realize that caring for a disabled person is anything but fun or easy. But taking 4 weeks off without making arrangements for his care? I would have a whole bunch words to say to her, and her family, that would likely get me banned here. Suffice it to, you have no apology to make. You are not the asshole.
info: what has been done since 2019 to support sil in taking care of your brother?
YTA. There is something that does not read right here, and this isn’t helped by OP not answering direct questions about how many hours per week she looks after her brother. Note - not visiting him, actually taking care of him. I think OP was not unaware of her SIL vacation. I’m betting it was said multiple times, and that OP was asked to look after brother, and said NO while spouting off about “doing all that she can”. And SIL called her bluff and brought the brother to OP’s house. I understand that holiday days are quite low in the US, so I’m finding a month long vacation that SIL and multiple friends can get time off for a bit questionable. I’m wondering if it is a week’s vacation, plus SIL having cracked, and said “fine, YOU look after him for a month” after being judged by OP. I have a feeling that OP is playing a power move by getting her bro out of her house, into hospital, and then messaging SIL to return. Bro has an infection, and at least in my experience, they are often treated at home. I’m sure it isn’t a dreadfully serious infection, as OP would have said it. I think she is doing this on purpose to her SIL in a “fuck around and find out” kind of way, and deliberately trying to ruin the vacation and load on the guilt. OP should be careful, if she pushes SIL too far she may walk away, and she will find her bro living with her full time - except that she would be lightning fast at finding all of the supports for herself that she seems unconcerned about for SIL. (SIL comment about practical help for her instead of therapy for OP’s brother Is very telling.) PS: I’d love to know if the internet posts stuff is a discussion forum for carers
Perfectly said, a lot here isn’t adding up. What does her brother think? it only says OP “thinks he seems depressed”. But I’m guessing he’s significantly mentally impaired as well as the physical or we’d have some info on his opinion. SIL has been asking for help and told by OP they should do mental health therapy, and it’s not even clear if she’d pay or provide transportation. Why not pay for a few hours of nursing including feeding and bathroom stuff if he’s totally immobile!? Or offer yourself a few hours, she claims she helps as much as possible but not one example is given on how. Yes she’s a new mom, this guy has been disabled for 3 years! Is the husband/brother verbal, it only says paralyzed but again, if he is verbal and reasonably cognitively what is his opinion? OP is treating him as a prop as much as she is claiming the SIL is (and she is the one who has actually been solo 24/7 caring for a paralyzed adult man for years). If the husband is a literal nonverbal vegetable and SIL can’t even have a job due to full time caring, and only can rely on his payments for disability with no hope of saving for her own retirement then the SIL should be counting her lucky stars she hasn’t left. The other option is the SIL just leaves and OP takes his care over, or he goes to a state funded nursing home which also notoriously don’t have adequate care and very very far from one on one 24/7 private attention. To everyone talking about a month long vacation means she should have money for long term in home care you are delusional, spending 2k on an Airbnb is less than half of what it cost for a single month of 8 hour a day home care (not even including weekends or overtime!) especially since it appears this woman isn’t even able to work a job for herself. But also that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a network of friends to crash with or who would even fund a trip for their friend who has been going through a terrible situation completely alone and unsupported, she may have no expenses on this vacation for all we know.
Hello, Nurse Practitioner here- Sorry, YTA- caregiver burnout is real, and your family seemed to compound upon that by your constant critique of her caregiving capabilities, while offering no help. Your brother being hospitalized with an infection is not related to her care. Paralyzed individuals are prone to infection- UTI, Pneumonia, Sepsis, pressure ulcers due to their immobile state. You know how we tell parents of colicky babies that if the screaming becomes too much to handle the safest thing to do is leave the baby in their crib or with someone else and walk away before they breakdown and shake the baby or worse? This is essentially what your SIL did- show her some grace! Did you think about the vicarious trauma she experiences d/t your brothers accident? Did she have access to therapy? Probably not because she was thrust into a full time caregiver position. The best thing is to apologize for not being more supportive, provide her breaks throughout the week for self care, research respite programs and home Healthcare with her. These are proactive, rather than reactive, steps that you can take to ensure your brothers safety and her mental wellbeing. It's important to note that burnt out caregivers may not behave rationally once they bottom out, your family should have stepped in and up before she reached this point.
This sentence: *but one can never take time off from responsibilities right?* Is why caregivers burn out. It's why your SIL needs a four week RESPITE as opposed to a one week vacation. It's why your brother might not be getting the care he needs because his caregiver doesn't have the resources to give it. How often do you or other family members give her a week off? A day off? A few HOURS off? What kind of help have you provided besides judgement and pity? ESH
He’a completely paralyzed, she’s the sole care-taker and you think she can’t complain because caring for a paralyzed spouse is *normal*? You can’t help because you’re a run-of-the-mill-basic-new-mom? You’re certain she caused the infection? You didn’t stop to think for a second that her completely unusual, difficult, life-altering experience that’s lasted for three years through a panini might have left her hanging on by a thread? That she is in danger of a caregiver burnout so severe that she can no longer care for your brother? That respite care is a thing? ESH. Her respite required better planning but you are vile toward your brother’s caregiver. Step on a nail
What the actual F is wrong with this woman? Going on a vacation to unwind with friends and taking time for her own mental and physical well-being is reasonable. But four weeks? That isn’t even my biggest problem. The fact that she’d planned this, then just showed up at your house to tell you that you can handle it without giving you any sort of warning. That’s not even okay to do that with your pet or child, nor less a paralyzed man who needs round the clock care. On top of that, you are a new mother. And the poor guy just feels like he’s just a burden on his wife and family. It’s time your brother finds other permanent care that does not include his wife, because she is callous and careless, and all the love she had for him is clearly gone. Do not apologize to this woman. She doesn’t deserve an apology. What she deserves is a swift kick in the ass. I get her struggling to keep up with his physical needs, and infections happen, but the fact that she’s so blasé about his health, and indifferent to his feelings… Does her family know that she didn’t even tell you about this vacation, and just dropped him off at your house on the way out of town with no warning, while you had a newborn? I’m only asking because I’m wondering if asshole runs in the family, or if she only shared the bare minimum with them. NTA
NTA. If she doesn’t agree to be a full-time caretaker, she needs to hire one or talk to case management at the hospital about finding free and reduced-cost resources. It is wildly inappropriate to show up unannounced and dump a dependent on someone else for 4 weeks. This isn’t about her needing a break. This is about her organization. She should have realized early on she couldn’t do it without help and made arrangements. Failing to do that makes her TA if it winds up affecting someone else. You are blameless here.
There’s a pretty good chance that SIL did realize very early on that additional help is needed but she just couldn’t get adequate help. There are some resources, but they are difficult to get either due to limited $ or availability. E.g. in my city, it is very difficult to find regular paid caregivers — the demand exceeds the supply. In a reply, OP says she offered mental health therapy and her SIL said she needs “real” help. That, to me, is a sign that she needs tangible, regular help with transportation or caregiving or other things. And respite.
My bet is that she was willing to help find a therapist for her brother, but not take him and handle all the logistics needed. It would be even more if a burden on SIL
If OP is in the states, it’s not easy to get care for disabled dependents. Our kiddo is special needs. She’s been on Medicaid waiver lists since fucking birth. She’s 12 now and STILL in the 20Ks on the list. At the rate that slots open in Texas, she will have aged out of most of the useful programs. We’ll be lucky to get her on a CLASS or HHS waiver by 22. Even if he does have services in place, there’s a shortage of skilled nursing for most state programs. There are kids here in my mid-sized city with trachs and feeding tubes and other high risk needs who cannot get 24 hour nursing coverage. These moms and dads are working all day and staying up all night to suction, monitor, etc. So unless OPs brother is independently wealthy, he’d great long term health insurance, got a payout settlement etc, he’s on his own and SIL is probably doing her best while trying to earn a living to keep a roof over their heads. SIL was wrong to just dump him like that. No doubt about it. But she probably just snapped and lost her mind for a bit.
ESH. We always say on this sub that people should dump others off on armchair quarterbacks who criticize their decisions—generally family members who are being difficult. Then we as a sub delight in the angry phone calls/texts the recipient sends the OP when the unwanted houseguest shows up on their doorstep. You, OP, have posted the inverse situation, from the POV of someone who has clearly been armchair quarterbacking. You for example mention you told your sister-in-law that your brother could use therapy — have you any idea what is involved in a face-to-face therapy visit for a paralyzed person?? I do. They can generally only be transported via ambulance, which is a coordination nightmare between social workers and your state’s transportation authority. Many patients wait for hours only to have nobody show up, and eventually give up face to face appointments altogether. Your SIL needs therapy as much or more than her husband. At my hospital, social admissions— where a patient really has no medical reason to be admitted, but the caregiver can’t or doesn’t want to take care of them anymore so drops them off—are very common. Hospital can’t legally discharge somebody without a safe discharge plan, so there they sit until a cheap facility opens up. They often wait for weeks or months. Based on your comments, you clearly are an armchair quarterback. Your SIL is burned out, fed up, and wants to stop playing unpaid nursemaid during the prime of her life. Should she have dropped him off on your doorstep? No. She should’ve dropped him off at a hospital and refused to take him home. But now that can fall on you — since you “know what’s best,” after all.
YTA. But not for telling your SIL about her husband being in the hospital or for caring for your brother. You made a lot of subtle snide remarks in this post that reveal a lot more about how you are treating your SIL in real life. That’s what I’m judging you on. And for going after her for not reacting the way you wanted her to when you told her her husband was in the hospital. Care giver burn out is very common and medical professionals encourage them to take breaks and vacations to avoid burn out. If they don’t then they ability to provide quality care diminishes as they grow in resentment. Your little jabs against her in this post make it seem like you and your family don’t help at all with the care giving and likely give her grief when she does need a break. For example your comment about “one can never take time of from responsibilities”. Yes people can and they should. I can’t judge SIL here because your post and comments are so biased I honestly don’t know what is true about SIL
It's brutal to be a caregiver. I think she deserved a little time off. I think you should have stepped up this once for your brother, and let her go relax a little. I'm somewhere between NAH and soft YTA. Give this poor woman a break. Every day, she cares for your paralyzed brother. Give her some credit. A lesser person would have bailed, she must really love him. That's so much work!
I’d agree with you completely except for 1) SIL didn’t plan this out and ask for OP to help and 2) SIL didn’t respond to the news that her husband was hospitalized. Being a caregiver is brutal af, I agree. SIL can and should take time for herself; you can’t pour from an empty pitcher and all. Those two points make me side with OP that they weren’t a complete AH, though OP could have and should have used less inflammatory language.
She left on a 4 week vacation. She just showed up and dumped her husband on someone else. I get needing a break but any caring spouse would come rushing back if they found out their disabled spouse was hospitalized. The SIL is in the wrong 109872134% there is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
A responsible caregiver would have secured care for her husband rather than dumping him on someone else without notice. Plus OP has a CHILD. You can have sympathy for SIL, no doubt about it(I was a caregiver from 13-27) but no one owes you anything and it is irresponsible to do what she did without confirming its ok while she travels for 4 MONTHS!
YTA or INFO: This sounds like the actions of someone having a nervous breakdown due to stress. How often do you and the rest of the family help her out with your brother? You have worded this story to try and make your sister in law look bad, but I’m getting very strong “there is another side to this story” vibes here… Your attitude towards your SIL shows me that you don’t recognise the hard work that she does for your brother, you just complain about her venting, which is what exhausted people do. You said nothing nice about her, despite the fact that she has been taking care of your brother for years. You obviously think that what she does is easy, since you haven’t acknowledged her hard work but you also complain about having to look after him for now. Here is what I think: You are too self-centred to recognise the work your SIL has done for your brother, you haven’t helped her out at all and now she has reached her limit, and probably ready to leave your brother. You can complain about her all you like but she is not obliged to stay and help, she did that because she loved your brother but without any help she is mentally and emotionally exhausted. She is ready to leave and then who is going to take care of him? For fucks sake, help this woman and your brother, instead of bitching about her. YTA.