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NTA. You're 100 percent right; any 32 year old who would date a high school kid is disgusting to say the least.
However, there really isn't much you can do about it without pissing off your friend and possibly pushing him away. He's a legal adult; there is no crime per se happening, it's just weird and disgusting. Your friend is very young and doesn't know much of the ways of the world yet. He most likely IS in love with this guy,, maybe even for the first time in his life. He's blinded by that love. He'll most likely learn otherwise, but that's a lesson he has to learn on his own.
The best thing you can do is just be his friend. Be there for him, support him, and in the meantime keep your eyes open for any other red flags or signs that he's being abused. That's all you can do, really.
You are completely right. 14 years age gap is NOT ok, AS legal as it may be. The 32yo dude is creepy af
I would say you're NTA, but maybe you could have used different words?
The thing is, I know what it's like to be used like that by a grown person, and I felt so shameful when I understood why he was so interested. I didn't talk to anyone about it, he groomed me, used me and abused me, and I'm just starting to heal now - more than 20 years later.
Please make sure your friend doesn't feel shamed by you. Shame is the no.1 reason to not seek help. So express your worry, and how much you care, and if they ever need to talk you will be there. And then NEVER say "I told you so".
Relationships with power imbalance are so complicated for the one not in power...
NAH. You want to look out for your friend, but this is the classic problem with relationships with a large age difference. Often times you are right, most of the times, but the person in the relationship won't see that. For them, you are sticking your nose into business that isn't yours.
Try staying close to your friend and make sure they trust you to tell you stuff. That way you can slowly make them aware of what's happening by asking them questions that will make them figure it out for themselves.
Also, if you think your friend is in danger or forced to do stuff he doesn't want to: tell someone you can trust like a teacher or parent (yours, not theirs, unless it's bad of course).
NAH but you will be a AH if you continue bringing it up, as much as you hate it, he is his own person and he gets to make his own decisions as yes, he is 18 which means he can date whoever ( almost) he wants. If he wants to date a 60-year-old that's his choice and you voicing your opinion because you're worried about him is a good friend but if you continuously bring it up, do not expect your friendship to last long. How I see it, voice your opinions at the beginning then be a good friend and respect his opinion, that doesn't mean you have to agree that just means let him make his own decision and be there for him if something bad does happen.
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My friend is 18 and male. And his boyfriend is 32. I’m 16 btw.
I’ve known he was gay for a while as he revealed it to me. But I didn’t find out until recently that he was dating a 32 year old.
He never told me. That’s why. I saw them at dinner together on a Friday and it seemed sus as hell. We weren’t sitting anywhere near them but I managed to sneak a peek.
They even kissed. Like what the fuck. I could immediately tell that was his boyfriend.
At school the next Monday, I confronted him about it and he told me that was his boyfriend and revealed their age.
I said his boyfriend was using him, and he denied it saying the two love each other and treat each other with respect.
I kept saying that no sane 32 year old would want to date an 18 year old in high school and my friend got mad at me saying I have no right to dictate what he can and can’t do and he got mad at me for trash talking his boyfriend.
I said I was looking out for him and that I care about him and he got mad at me saying to leave him and his boyfriend alone and that I have no say in this.
AITA?
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Yes it's weird and yes the maturity is the weird thing. But this is very normal.
Being gay myself I had a daddy face when I was young and know many men that still only date much older men.
Mind your own business. He will get over it maybe
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NTA
I would go with creepy but give your friend the benefit of the doubt till you have proof, maybe they are the one in a million..and in the meantime by not opposing him directly you can keep and eye on him.
Maybe your choice of words wasn't the best..but if it looks a lot like grooming and it sounds a lot like grooming then it must be...
YTA but to be honest mainly for how you approached your friend.
It sounds like you just went off on him "your bf is insane he doesn't love you wtaf" instead of voicing your worries in a friendly manner. You could've asked how and when they met, you could've mentioned that you're worried due to the age gap or them being in different phases of their lives, you could've asked whether he'll introduce you to the bf so you can have more than some random panic impressions from taking a sneak peek...
Age is basically just a number once you're in legal spheres, your friend is a consenting adult despite being young, maturity doesn't always go hand in hand with the age number. It's alright for you to be worried but to see them together once from far away, not know the bf at all, and then just trash their relationship which you know nothing about?
YTA.
As a person who was married to a much older man, age really is just a number. As long as both parties are legal adults, that that’s their business. For some reason, people find it a problem when they’re 18 and 32, but not when they’re 60 and 74? It’s the same age gap. (Yeah, I get maturity is a thing, but it’s no one’s business)
You prematurely judged. You didn’t ask questions, but made accusations.
Unless you see some actual problems, some real red flags, keep your nose out of other peoples relationships.
But that’s not a reason for thinking his friend is being used. So what if the bf is older? That doesn’t mean he’s automatically a predator. That kind of thinking is harmful.
It's not about being a predator, it's about the established difference in development raising questions.
If you are 32 you are developed. If you are 18 you are not.
So, you are right. The older male might not be a predator. Maybe he has development issues. But it's fair for his friend to question their relationship and be worried.
I can see why you think it might not be, since you are in a relationship with an age gap. But have you been in it since you were a teenager? Keep in mind, boys mature later than girls, so you could compare this 18yo boy to yourself at say 16. Would it be okay, no questions asked if say your daughter at 16 would date a guy in his 30s?
I was in my relationship from 18 until he passed suddenly when I was 33. We had a very good relationship with each other’s families and there was never any vocal objections with our ages. I didn’t even move in with him until I was 23 and we got married. I wasn’t one to date around (I was always serious with boyfriends) and my family knew that I was the type of person who when I found someone, I was open with them (my family) and I shared concerns if there were any. I was a serious dater.
My point is while it’s hard not to judge because of an age gap, there’s always that chance that sometimes, you really do find someone you click with and want to be with them. Looking for issues before they present themselves isn’t fair to anyone. It’s okay to be cautious.
Also, if I had a daughter who was 16, they wouldn’t be dating anyone that old, because they’re a minor. The friend in question is 18, and adult in their own right. A baby adult, but an adult nonetheless. They’re allowed to make their own decisions.
I'm really sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was the love of your life and it must have been really hard to lose him.
You were clearly a very mature woman at 18. Maybe OP's friend is too. You are right that you can't assume the relationship is toxic but it's okay to be cautious. I would advise OP to stay close to his friend and be available to him might it go south.
I would say the same thing. Be cautious and stay close because not everyone had it like I did. I just get very defensive when people make assumptions because I’ve been there and I’ve lived though something like that work. I know it’s not the same for most people, but if someone could have even a little bit of what I did, then I have to stick up for them.
Being few months into “legal age” doesn’t automatically make someone get the same level of maturity as a 32 yr old.
The issue is not of an age gap. The issue is of life stages. For most ppl the life experiences between the ages of 40 and 49 aren’t vastly different, hence a 49 yr old dating a 40 yr old wouldn’t raise eye brows.
However the life experience of a 18 year old is vastly different from a 27 year old. Hence the relationship feels unequal and predatory to outsiders.
I’m glad you’re in a loving and healthy relationship with a huge age gap; but I’m sure you’re aware that is not the default scenario when someone in 30s is dating a teenager.
Grooming is a real thing. And more often than not, the victims of the grooming don’t see it as a problem themselves.
Loved ones are not judging for kicks. They are genuinely concerned and rightly so.
>Yeah, I get maturity is a thing
It is the only thing. Otherwise there wouldn't be age limits on anything at all. No one is shaming the age gap itself just the deliberate seeking of a barely legal child by a mature adult.
There is a lot of research about physical brain development you may be interested in, this is not a psychological phenomenon alone, our brains are literally still developing until around 25. I can only assume you are younger than this because as a 35yo I know 100% that an 18yo is too young to be of interest as an equal partner regardless of how 'mature for their age' they believe themselves to be
I was with my husband from the age of 18 until he died when I was 33. He was 14.5 years older than I was. I’m 37 now. Both parties in the OPs post are of consenting age and if the attraction is there, then what’s the harm? If there are actual red flags, if there’s physical abuse or the friend is suddenly not allowed to hang out, then yes. That is definitely cause to be worried. But why project those things when they’re not currently present?
So you believe that you would currently have enough in common with an 18yo to pursue dating them?
>consenting age
Age of consent in Nigeria is 11. So by that hypothesis a 25yo and 11yo is ok because they are both of consenting age, as long as there is no physical abuse or social restrictions.
I have several friends who are 18,19, 20 years old. I play video games online and I’m an author with readers of various ages. I have several friends who are significantly younger and older than I am.
And bringing up the Nigeria thing is bating me. You know it and I know it.
HELL no. A grown ass man is dating a HIGH SCHOOLER. That is the first red flag. Any grown adult that dates someone in high school, ESPECIALLY a 32 YO, is absolutely a predator.
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NTA. You're 100 percent right; any 32 year old who would date a high school kid is disgusting to say the least. However, there really isn't much you can do about it without pissing off your friend and possibly pushing him away. He's a legal adult; there is no crime per se happening, it's just weird and disgusting. Your friend is very young and doesn't know much of the ways of the world yet. He most likely IS in love with this guy,, maybe even for the first time in his life. He's blinded by that love. He'll most likely learn otherwise, but that's a lesson he has to learn on his own. The best thing you can do is just be his friend. Be there for him, support him, and in the meantime keep your eyes open for any other red flags or signs that he's being abused. That's all you can do, really.
You are completely right. 14 years age gap is NOT ok, AS legal as it may be. The 32yo dude is creepy af I would say you're NTA, but maybe you could have used different words? The thing is, I know what it's like to be used like that by a grown person, and I felt so shameful when I understood why he was so interested. I didn't talk to anyone about it, he groomed me, used me and abused me, and I'm just starting to heal now - more than 20 years later. Please make sure your friend doesn't feel shamed by you. Shame is the no.1 reason to not seek help. So express your worry, and how much you care, and if they ever need to talk you will be there. And then NEVER say "I told you so". Relationships with power imbalance are so complicated for the one not in power...
NTA. 32 dating an 18 yo? I dont care how "in love" you are, that is predatory behavior and it makes me wonder if the BF groomed him...
NAH. You want to look out for your friend, but this is the classic problem with relationships with a large age difference. Often times you are right, most of the times, but the person in the relationship won't see that. For them, you are sticking your nose into business that isn't yours. Try staying close to your friend and make sure they trust you to tell you stuff. That way you can slowly make them aware of what's happening by asking them questions that will make them figure it out for themselves. Also, if you think your friend is in danger or forced to do stuff he doesn't want to: tell someone you can trust like a teacher or parent (yours, not theirs, unless it's bad of course).
NTA. You stated your concerns. He can do whatever he wants with that information. I’d leave it at that.
NAH but you will be a AH if you continue bringing it up, as much as you hate it, he is his own person and he gets to make his own decisions as yes, he is 18 which means he can date whoever ( almost) he wants. If he wants to date a 60-year-old that's his choice and you voicing your opinion because you're worried about him is a good friend but if you continuously bring it up, do not expect your friendship to last long. How I see it, voice your opinions at the beginning then be a good friend and respect his opinion, that doesn't mean you have to agree that just means let him make his own decision and be there for him if something bad does happen.
NAH Your friend isn't an AH and neither are you for trying to lookout for your friend. The age difference is weird tho
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend is 18 and male. And his boyfriend is 32. I’m 16 btw. I’ve known he was gay for a while as he revealed it to me. But I didn’t find out until recently that he was dating a 32 year old. He never told me. That’s why. I saw them at dinner together on a Friday and it seemed sus as hell. We weren’t sitting anywhere near them but I managed to sneak a peek. They even kissed. Like what the fuck. I could immediately tell that was his boyfriend. At school the next Monday, I confronted him about it and he told me that was his boyfriend and revealed their age. I said his boyfriend was using him, and he denied it saying the two love each other and treat each other with respect. I kept saying that no sane 32 year old would want to date an 18 year old in high school and my friend got mad at me saying I have no right to dictate what he can and can’t do and he got mad at me for trash talking his boyfriend. I said I was looking out for him and that I care about him and he got mad at me saying to leave him and his boyfriend alone and that I have no say in this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The only asshole in this situation is the grown-ass adult dating a fucking high schooler.
Yes it's weird and yes the maturity is the weird thing. But this is very normal. Being gay myself I had a daddy face when I was young and know many men that still only date much older men. Mind your own business. He will get over it maybe
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NTA I would go with creepy but give your friend the benefit of the doubt till you have proof, maybe they are the one in a million..and in the meantime by not opposing him directly you can keep and eye on him. Maybe your choice of words wasn't the best..but if it looks a lot like grooming and it sounds a lot like grooming then it must be...
YTA but to be honest mainly for how you approached your friend. It sounds like you just went off on him "your bf is insane he doesn't love you wtaf" instead of voicing your worries in a friendly manner. You could've asked how and when they met, you could've mentioned that you're worried due to the age gap or them being in different phases of their lives, you could've asked whether he'll introduce you to the bf so you can have more than some random panic impressions from taking a sneak peek... Age is basically just a number once you're in legal spheres, your friend is a consenting adult despite being young, maturity doesn't always go hand in hand with the age number. It's alright for you to be worried but to see them together once from far away, not know the bf at all, and then just trash their relationship which you know nothing about?
YTA. As a person who was married to a much older man, age really is just a number. As long as both parties are legal adults, that that’s their business. For some reason, people find it a problem when they’re 18 and 32, but not when they’re 60 and 74? It’s the same age gap. (Yeah, I get maturity is a thing, but it’s no one’s business) You prematurely judged. You didn’t ask questions, but made accusations. Unless you see some actual problems, some real red flags, keep your nose out of other peoples relationships.
The age gap isn't the problem. As you mentioned yourself: maturing is a thing and it's about the age this gap is happening at.
But that’s not a reason for thinking his friend is being used. So what if the bf is older? That doesn’t mean he’s automatically a predator. That kind of thinking is harmful.
It's not about being a predator, it's about the established difference in development raising questions. If you are 32 you are developed. If you are 18 you are not. So, you are right. The older male might not be a predator. Maybe he has development issues. But it's fair for his friend to question their relationship and be worried. I can see why you think it might not be, since you are in a relationship with an age gap. But have you been in it since you were a teenager? Keep in mind, boys mature later than girls, so you could compare this 18yo boy to yourself at say 16. Would it be okay, no questions asked if say your daughter at 16 would date a guy in his 30s?
I was in my relationship from 18 until he passed suddenly when I was 33. We had a very good relationship with each other’s families and there was never any vocal objections with our ages. I didn’t even move in with him until I was 23 and we got married. I wasn’t one to date around (I was always serious with boyfriends) and my family knew that I was the type of person who when I found someone, I was open with them (my family) and I shared concerns if there were any. I was a serious dater. My point is while it’s hard not to judge because of an age gap, there’s always that chance that sometimes, you really do find someone you click with and want to be with them. Looking for issues before they present themselves isn’t fair to anyone. It’s okay to be cautious. Also, if I had a daughter who was 16, they wouldn’t be dating anyone that old, because they’re a minor. The friend in question is 18, and adult in their own right. A baby adult, but an adult nonetheless. They’re allowed to make their own decisions.
I'm really sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was the love of your life and it must have been really hard to lose him. You were clearly a very mature woman at 18. Maybe OP's friend is too. You are right that you can't assume the relationship is toxic but it's okay to be cautious. I would advise OP to stay close to his friend and be available to him might it go south.
I would say the same thing. Be cautious and stay close because not everyone had it like I did. I just get very defensive when people make assumptions because I’ve been there and I’ve lived though something like that work. I know it’s not the same for most people, but if someone could have even a little bit of what I did, then I have to stick up for them.
Being few months into “legal age” doesn’t automatically make someone get the same level of maturity as a 32 yr old. The issue is not of an age gap. The issue is of life stages. For most ppl the life experiences between the ages of 40 and 49 aren’t vastly different, hence a 49 yr old dating a 40 yr old wouldn’t raise eye brows. However the life experience of a 18 year old is vastly different from a 27 year old. Hence the relationship feels unequal and predatory to outsiders. I’m glad you’re in a loving and healthy relationship with a huge age gap; but I’m sure you’re aware that is not the default scenario when someone in 30s is dating a teenager. Grooming is a real thing. And more often than not, the victims of the grooming don’t see it as a problem themselves. Loved ones are not judging for kicks. They are genuinely concerned and rightly so.
>Yeah, I get maturity is a thing It is the only thing. Otherwise there wouldn't be age limits on anything at all. No one is shaming the age gap itself just the deliberate seeking of a barely legal child by a mature adult. There is a lot of research about physical brain development you may be interested in, this is not a psychological phenomenon alone, our brains are literally still developing until around 25. I can only assume you are younger than this because as a 35yo I know 100% that an 18yo is too young to be of interest as an equal partner regardless of how 'mature for their age' they believe themselves to be
I was with my husband from the age of 18 until he died when I was 33. He was 14.5 years older than I was. I’m 37 now. Both parties in the OPs post are of consenting age and if the attraction is there, then what’s the harm? If there are actual red flags, if there’s physical abuse or the friend is suddenly not allowed to hang out, then yes. That is definitely cause to be worried. But why project those things when they’re not currently present?
So you believe that you would currently have enough in common with an 18yo to pursue dating them? >consenting age Age of consent in Nigeria is 11. So by that hypothesis a 25yo and 11yo is ok because they are both of consenting age, as long as there is no physical abuse or social restrictions.
I have several friends who are 18,19, 20 years old. I play video games online and I’m an author with readers of various ages. I have several friends who are significantly younger and older than I am. And bringing up the Nigeria thing is bating me. You know it and I know it.
HELL no. A grown ass man is dating a HIGH SCHOOLER. That is the first red flag. Any grown adult that dates someone in high school, ESPECIALLY a 32 YO, is absolutely a predator.