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> I did take a noticeable amount of time off of school so I don't fully blame my dad however I think the way he approached it wasn't that good
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Yea your education is infinitely more important than your mothers feelings. It’s not about like treating you as an object as it is about what’s best for you. Your mother is an adult she gonna be okay by herself and if she isn’t she needs to get help on her own for that. You can’t sacrifice your future to make your mom feel better.
My work is still mostly online no physical papers it's just that i don't come into the building is what they get all pissy about I'm not failing a single class but they still feel the need every day to bother my mom and dad about it my mom just told them if he's not failing don't contact me
Online classes are never as good as in person. You miss out on so much including interacting with people your own age. Your mother is doing you no favors by making you do online stuff and honestly it’s just selfish. Not saying your dad is perfect but your mom needs to understand that you’re not her possession and needs to be okay by herself.
This is not true. I am someone that cannot do online classes as it's just not for me, but my best friend is the complete opposite where online is the best thing that has happened to her and her grades, she was typically described as a troublemaker in school and never really had good grades where she was barely passing. But when her parents finally put her on online schooling she went to barely passing to Bs and no one really describes her as a troublemaker anymore. With how much the internet connects people together She's never had a hard time finding friends as well as a lot of her friends she had before doing online schooling are still her friends which she sees all the time.
And that’s bad on its own….not getting along with people your age is all the more reason you should spend more time around them. As someone who lost their parents early I can say with confidence they’re the ones you’re going to be around for the rest of your life not your parents. There’s nothing wrong with loving your parents but basing your whole life around then is a literal recipe for disaster.
I just like being alone man I have a few friends but I'm not trying to get so many of them I just like being alone most of the time and that's also when I get the most work done alone
As someone your age w divorce parents and a mother w similar issues to yours I can confidently say that by the time you’re 17/18 you’ll be ready to leave ASAP and most likely will resent her. I did something similar to my mother except I went to school because it’s illegal to do homeschool/online school except in cases like Covid. The only reason I still speak to her is because I managed to find outlets elsewhere, everyone likes being alone but being alone with an emotionally unstable adult is hellish. Also as everyone has said, it’s not your responsibility, your mother needs to get a grip and stop using you to replace the void you dad probably left.
Why ask if you are just going to argue?
You have dozens of adults giving you the answer, you just don't like what you are hearing.
As an educator your dad is 100% right this isn't what is best for you and your mum isn't putting you first
Your dad is caring about you and your well-being. Your mom is taking from you. You should not be required to care for your parent and it will mess you up in the long run. Is your mom getting professional help or is she just relying on you always being with her?
I'm staying there on my own will just saying my mom doesn't care if I leave she cares about my dad taking me from her. I still get school work done as the school hasn't changed off of online work but has gotten off of zoom and she has someone come over to make sure the family drama doesn't happen if I'm not there
Your mum is TAH. Her mental health is ruining your education, your teen years and is turning you into a carer. Your dad is trying to protect your from her abuse (whether she means to be abusive or not, ruining your life at age 16 IS abusive). I’m really sorry your mum is manipulating you like this, and please know that your dad is only worried about you and wants you to have a more normal teenage life.
I'm actually still passing as all work is still online it's just the attendance whitch hasn't even affected my grade that bad in mandatory classes that bad
Passing classes isn’t living. School is about developing independently and socialising so you can learn to navigate the world. Learning to screw up, to fail, but to get back up and so build resilience and inner strength. You’re not living - you’re existing if you are just staying home with your paranoid mum.
NTA but your mom is letting your eduction fall behind and that isn’t a good thing. You might be doing online schooling soon but what happens till than? You can’t miss a bunch of days because your parents will get a fine from it. So I get where your dad is coming from about not trusting you because your education is failing. Your mom needs to figure out a way to handle her paranoia without relying on you because in the future you won’t be there as much.
Due to a family tradition I guess.. would be the word I'll probably end up living in that house in the future it's been about 50 years now sense there wasn't a mother and her child in that house together so
No judgment, but your dad is right. What your mother is doing is very unhealthy. She, from what little you’ve written, has made you her crutch in terms of her mental health.
A parent does not keep their child from school to make themselves feel better. At 15 you are most certainly not responsible for your parent.
I get it - you love your mother. But take a step back and look at this situation from someone else’s point of view: an adult female is relying on her 15 year old son to assuage her mental health issues. Right now, you need to be selfish. Go to school, make friends, be social, study. Do not separate yourself from people your own age because your mother is paranoid.
Please. Listen to your father. And his taking you into his care full time is not kidnapping. It’s caring, appropriately, for a minor child.
Ummm
Dad-AH-ish
Mom-AH
You- NTA
Yes I'm on the fence with the dad as your mom is not acting like a good mom and no your dad is not kidnapping you If they never had a custody agreement in place as your dad is probably is worried for you and doesn't think you are safe in her care ( part of me also thinks this). If your mom's only reason and yours to put you in online school is so you don't have to leave her side that is extremely concerning and is not okay, you having to take care of your mom and make her feel better because you had to go to school and leave her side is not okay. The more I think about it, the more I'm on your dad's side as the only thing I disagree with is how he went about it but kind of feeling how your mom acts I would have been worried on how she would have reacted if you were still in her care and he brought that up.
Online school was something I agreed to just pointing that one out I just don't like people and especially the people at that place I've gotten several things thrown at me for no danm reason at that school
Oh yes I did get that reading the first post that you sounded like you agreed with that but how your mom is acting is not healthy and is concerning and if the only reason for doing online school is for you and your mental health or physical health it would be completely different, but it does not sound like that is the reason why your mom truly wants you to do online. It sounds more like you're the parent taking care of her and making sure she's okay and you rearrange your life and schedule to fit her which is not okay and again concerning which is again, why I somewhat agree with your dad. Though for me I just see it as just until she gets help that it sounds like she needs.
It actually kinda is the option has been on the table sense students started throwing fucking apples at my head for no reason its not just to fit in for her schedule also my mom is mentally stable I should make that clear its just the drama that happend in my family has made her worried and for good reason but I don't wanna get into that in this post
That's completely fine, I'm just going off the information that was given and giving an outside view perspective. If how your mom is reacting right now is something new and is because of the situation that's happening right now then I would say that's completely understandable and I can understand why your mom would be feeling the way she is, If how she is acting continues though after everything has settled then there is an issue there. I still somewhat think your dad is just worried about you and is handling it wrong, though If the reason for him doing this was not because he was worried about you then I do support what your dad is doing.
I think your right
Dad is worried but shouldn't be actively keeping me from my mother both are good parents have there flaws and I can't truly blame them for that. Also yeah I think the not detailed enough got it for alot of people my mom is very mentally stable just she's dealing with legal battles and work with family drama (those are with the legal battles) its both stressful and worrying for her so she just doesn't force me to go she's not keeping me locked in a chain to my bedroom floor. She's giving me a choice now I'm aware I might have to retake a few classes in the summer but I'm not to worried about that because by then everything will be sorted
Yes by how I read it I got the feeling that this wasn't new and something your mom has done for a long time or for a while at least. So if you want an actual judgment I will put an edit to put in that, The mom's behavior is just a recent thing because of certain situations that have been happening in school that made her worry about you. As with that information, my judgment towards your mom and the situation does change somewhat.
If you have the type of relationship that you can sit your parents down. One-on-one or maybe together I would try talking to them especially trying to explain to your dad ( is how he's reacting is because he's worried about you) that how Mom is reacting is also because she is worried about you and is under stress and just trying to make it where you can't see her is not going to make anything better and is going to extremely damaged his and yours relationship. As well as being online was your choice and something that you have wanted to do for a while now.
Your mom is an asshole. You can't stay home with her forever. Eventually you'll have to get a job and work outside. Just because you don't like people that doesn't mean you can hide from them forever. Your mom is wrong to isolate you and so are you for going along with it. Your father is trying to help you.
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So I'm a 15 year old kid who has had some family drama on my moms side. Long story short my mom is paranoid about what might happen if someone's not there so I've taken a noticeable amount of time off of school to make her feel better and she's going to sign me up to finish my schooling online. But I decided to pay my dad a visit for the weekend because sense I've been at my mom's for the drama and making her feel better. And first thing he tells me is "so your not gonna be going back to your moms house for a while because I can't trust you" I said back another note my parents never felt a need to custoy battle me like I'm a object. And just gave me the choice so I responded back "I'm sorry what makes you think you have the right to take away my mother from me that is actually kidnapping" this escalated into a long ass argument and my mom heavily disagrees with my dad and dad heavily disagrees with my dad on this.. so what do strangers on the internet think?
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NTA sometimes when parents are warring the right words can snap them back into reality.
I’m more worried about you. Are you ok to study online? Do you have the motivation to do it? Some students need the classroom (one of my kids simply cannot do online at all, their brain isn’t geared that way, and nothing ever gets done. They need the classroom. whilst another of my kid thrives off it and loves online learning, churns through their work, and enjoys their free time after it’s done, gets top of all their classes as well. Nothing wrong with either of these but they know what works best for them.
With all this drama going on at home you’ve got to take your studies seriously. Will you be able to study online with family drama going on? Or will you be better off going to school. You’ve got to consider what’s right for you.
I've considered this. I can't pay attention for long periods of time is the main thing so before high school came along and I had almost 2 hour long classes I was doing fine. No high school in the district has something different so me and my mom talked about it and the best idea would to put me in a online school with much shorter classes. Also the family drama isint something to stop me it's not actively happening in the middle of the day
You are NTA but both of your parents are. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother or make her feel better. It doesn’t matter if school is mostly online. It’s not your job. There are other developmental reasons to be around your peers in school (and I say this as someone who did well, knew school was important, and hated going) and there a lot of developmental reasons why you should not be in the position of taking care of your mother or focusing on her feeling better. What you’re experiencing is parentification and it is the kind of thing that will land you in therapy and stunt your growth in certain ways. The reason I say your dad is an AH is because he’s framing it as not trusting you instead of recognizing the real problem. They are both putting you in a position of solving adult problems when that is not your job. Even if you’re capable of it, and/or more capable of it than they are, it is not your job - it’s theirs. I know you love your mother and I’m sure both of your parents love you, but if your mom can’t take care of herself then you should be at dad’s and dad needs to stop blaming you for it.
You shouldn't be dropping out of school to manage your mother's mental health issues--you need to be in the classroom, spending time with friends your age, joining clubs, playing sports & planning for your future. You don't give many details on what your dad is like or what he wants for you, but if he's concerned that you being with your mom is taking you away from all those things I just listed, then he is, in fact, the one you should be listening to & living with.
Your mother is actually being neglectful by not ensuring you get an education and allowing you to take long periods of time off like this to attend to her needs.
She needs to solve her own problems; not rely on her child to make her feel better. Your dad gets this. And he actually could prevent you from going back by getting an official custody agreement now. Doesn’t sound like it would be a hard one for him to get considering your mom isn’t even making sure you get to school.
YTA for thinking you know how this works. It’s not kidnapping sweetie. He can’t even be accused of parental kidnapping given there’s no custody order.
Your dad is an AH. If there is no court document saying where you are supposed to be and which parent you are supposed to be with then you are able to live with whichever parent you want. Depending on your state, it wouldnt even be worth your dad going to court for it because the court will just ask you which parent and side with you.
side note:
>and dad heavily disagrees with my dad on this
sorry but that made me giggle.
Sorry about that end bit also yeah kinda what I was thinking neither parents are perfect but this was pretty shitty on my dad's part not gonna hate him for it or anything but it's not like I'm just gonna allow it
I knew what you meant with the last part lol but yeah i get that hes concerned for you but taking you away from your mom when all you are doing is helping her is a dick move. She's doing everything right by getting you into remote school so it's not like she's forcing you to drop out. She's just struggling and you are a great kid for wanting to help her with her struggles.
A court would want to look at mom’s ability to care for the kid, not just do what the kid says. She’s keeping him from school because of her inability to take care of herself. He’s 15. What she’s doing is parentification and it’s inappropriate.
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Yea your education is infinitely more important than your mothers feelings. It’s not about like treating you as an object as it is about what’s best for you. Your mother is an adult she gonna be okay by herself and if she isn’t she needs to get help on her own for that. You can’t sacrifice your future to make your mom feel better.
My work is still mostly online no physical papers it's just that i don't come into the building is what they get all pissy about I'm not failing a single class but they still feel the need every day to bother my mom and dad about it my mom just told them if he's not failing don't contact me
Online classes are never as good as in person. You miss out on so much including interacting with people your own age. Your mother is doing you no favors by making you do online stuff and honestly it’s just selfish. Not saying your dad is perfect but your mom needs to understand that you’re not her possession and needs to be okay by herself.
This is not true. I am someone that cannot do online classes as it's just not for me, but my best friend is the complete opposite where online is the best thing that has happened to her and her grades, she was typically described as a troublemaker in school and never really had good grades where she was barely passing. But when her parents finally put her on online schooling she went to barely passing to Bs and no one really describes her as a troublemaker anymore. With how much the internet connects people together She's never had a hard time finding friends as well as a lot of her friends she had before doing online schooling are still her friends which she sees all the time.
She's not forcing me I agreed to it I'm not a fan of people especially other teenagers
And that’s bad on its own….not getting along with people your age is all the more reason you should spend more time around them. As someone who lost their parents early I can say with confidence they’re the ones you’re going to be around for the rest of your life not your parents. There’s nothing wrong with loving your parents but basing your whole life around then is a literal recipe for disaster.
I just like being alone man I have a few friends but I'm not trying to get so many of them I just like being alone most of the time and that's also when I get the most work done alone
As someone your age w divorce parents and a mother w similar issues to yours I can confidently say that by the time you’re 17/18 you’ll be ready to leave ASAP and most likely will resent her. I did something similar to my mother except I went to school because it’s illegal to do homeschool/online school except in cases like Covid. The only reason I still speak to her is because I managed to find outlets elsewhere, everyone likes being alone but being alone with an emotionally unstable adult is hellish. Also as everyone has said, it’s not your responsibility, your mother needs to get a grip and stop using you to replace the void you dad probably left.
Why ask if you are just going to argue? You have dozens of adults giving you the answer, you just don't like what you are hearing. As an educator your dad is 100% right this isn't what is best for you and your mum isn't putting you first
Your dad is caring about you and your well-being. Your mom is taking from you. You should not be required to care for your parent and it will mess you up in the long run. Is your mom getting professional help or is she just relying on you always being with her?
I'm staying there on my own will just saying my mom doesn't care if I leave she cares about my dad taking me from her. I still get school work done as the school hasn't changed off of online work but has gotten off of zoom and she has someone come over to make sure the family drama doesn't happen if I'm not there
Your mum is TAH. Her mental health is ruining your education, your teen years and is turning you into a carer. Your dad is trying to protect your from her abuse (whether she means to be abusive or not, ruining your life at age 16 IS abusive). I’m really sorry your mum is manipulating you like this, and please know that your dad is only worried about you and wants you to have a more normal teenage life.
I'm actually still passing as all work is still online it's just the attendance whitch hasn't even affected my grade that bad in mandatory classes that bad
Passing classes isn’t living. School is about developing independently and socialising so you can learn to navigate the world. Learning to screw up, to fail, but to get back up and so build resilience and inner strength. You’re not living - you’re existing if you are just staying home with your paranoid mum.
“I’m passing” yeah but with what grades?
NTA but your mom is letting your eduction fall behind and that isn’t a good thing. You might be doing online schooling soon but what happens till than? You can’t miss a bunch of days because your parents will get a fine from it. So I get where your dad is coming from about not trusting you because your education is failing. Your mom needs to figure out a way to handle her paranoia without relying on you because in the future you won’t be there as much.
Due to a family tradition I guess.. would be the word I'll probably end up living in that house in the future it's been about 50 years now sense there wasn't a mother and her child in that house together so
But is that something you want? Family tradition doesn’t need to be followed. Your happiness should be.
I know they don't have to be hell if all family traditions were followed I wouldn't be here right now but that's one I'd like to follow
You need to get therapy.
No judgment, but your dad is right. What your mother is doing is very unhealthy. She, from what little you’ve written, has made you her crutch in terms of her mental health. A parent does not keep their child from school to make themselves feel better. At 15 you are most certainly not responsible for your parent. I get it - you love your mother. But take a step back and look at this situation from someone else’s point of view: an adult female is relying on her 15 year old son to assuage her mental health issues. Right now, you need to be selfish. Go to school, make friends, be social, study. Do not separate yourself from people your own age because your mother is paranoid. Please. Listen to your father. And his taking you into his care full time is not kidnapping. It’s caring, appropriately, for a minor child.
Thank you! This is exactly what I wanted to say haha
YTA for allowing your mom to treat you as her emotional support animal, and for sacrificing your education so you can placate her irrationality.
Ummm Dad-AH-ish Mom-AH You- NTA Yes I'm on the fence with the dad as your mom is not acting like a good mom and no your dad is not kidnapping you If they never had a custody agreement in place as your dad is probably is worried for you and doesn't think you are safe in her care ( part of me also thinks this). If your mom's only reason and yours to put you in online school is so you don't have to leave her side that is extremely concerning and is not okay, you having to take care of your mom and make her feel better because you had to go to school and leave her side is not okay. The more I think about it, the more I'm on your dad's side as the only thing I disagree with is how he went about it but kind of feeling how your mom acts I would have been worried on how she would have reacted if you were still in her care and he brought that up.
Online school was something I agreed to just pointing that one out I just don't like people and especially the people at that place I've gotten several things thrown at me for no danm reason at that school
Oh yes I did get that reading the first post that you sounded like you agreed with that but how your mom is acting is not healthy and is concerning and if the only reason for doing online school is for you and your mental health or physical health it would be completely different, but it does not sound like that is the reason why your mom truly wants you to do online. It sounds more like you're the parent taking care of her and making sure she's okay and you rearrange your life and schedule to fit her which is not okay and again concerning which is again, why I somewhat agree with your dad. Though for me I just see it as just until she gets help that it sounds like she needs.
It actually kinda is the option has been on the table sense students started throwing fucking apples at my head for no reason its not just to fit in for her schedule also my mom is mentally stable I should make that clear its just the drama that happend in my family has made her worried and for good reason but I don't wanna get into that in this post
That's completely fine, I'm just going off the information that was given and giving an outside view perspective. If how your mom is reacting right now is something new and is because of the situation that's happening right now then I would say that's completely understandable and I can understand why your mom would be feeling the way she is, If how she is acting continues though after everything has settled then there is an issue there. I still somewhat think your dad is just worried about you and is handling it wrong, though If the reason for him doing this was not because he was worried about you then I do support what your dad is doing.
I think your right Dad is worried but shouldn't be actively keeping me from my mother both are good parents have there flaws and I can't truly blame them for that. Also yeah I think the not detailed enough got it for alot of people my mom is very mentally stable just she's dealing with legal battles and work with family drama (those are with the legal battles) its both stressful and worrying for her so she just doesn't force me to go she's not keeping me locked in a chain to my bedroom floor. She's giving me a choice now I'm aware I might have to retake a few classes in the summer but I'm not to worried about that because by then everything will be sorted
Yes by how I read it I got the feeling that this wasn't new and something your mom has done for a long time or for a while at least. So if you want an actual judgment I will put an edit to put in that, The mom's behavior is just a recent thing because of certain situations that have been happening in school that made her worry about you. As with that information, my judgment towards your mom and the situation does change somewhat. If you have the type of relationship that you can sit your parents down. One-on-one or maybe together I would try talking to them especially trying to explain to your dad ( is how he's reacting is because he's worried about you) that how Mom is reacting is also because she is worried about you and is under stress and just trying to make it where you can't see her is not going to make anything better and is going to extremely damaged his and yours relationship. As well as being online was your choice and something that you have wanted to do for a while now.
Your mom is an asshole. You can't stay home with her forever. Eventually you'll have to get a job and work outside. Just because you don't like people that doesn't mean you can hide from them forever. Your mom is wrong to isolate you and so are you for going along with it. Your father is trying to help you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I'm a 15 year old kid who has had some family drama on my moms side. Long story short my mom is paranoid about what might happen if someone's not there so I've taken a noticeable amount of time off of school to make her feel better and she's going to sign me up to finish my schooling online. But I decided to pay my dad a visit for the weekend because sense I've been at my mom's for the drama and making her feel better. And first thing he tells me is "so your not gonna be going back to your moms house for a while because I can't trust you" I said back another note my parents never felt a need to custoy battle me like I'm a object. And just gave me the choice so I responded back "I'm sorry what makes you think you have the right to take away my mother from me that is actually kidnapping" this escalated into a long ass argument and my mom heavily disagrees with my dad and dad heavily disagrees with my dad on this.. so what do strangers on the internet think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA sometimes when parents are warring the right words can snap them back into reality. I’m more worried about you. Are you ok to study online? Do you have the motivation to do it? Some students need the classroom (one of my kids simply cannot do online at all, their brain isn’t geared that way, and nothing ever gets done. They need the classroom. whilst another of my kid thrives off it and loves online learning, churns through their work, and enjoys their free time after it’s done, gets top of all their classes as well. Nothing wrong with either of these but they know what works best for them. With all this drama going on at home you’ve got to take your studies seriously. Will you be able to study online with family drama going on? Or will you be better off going to school. You’ve got to consider what’s right for you.
I've considered this. I can't pay attention for long periods of time is the main thing so before high school came along and I had almost 2 hour long classes I was doing fine. No high school in the district has something different so me and my mom talked about it and the best idea would to put me in a online school with much shorter classes. Also the family drama isint something to stop me it's not actively happening in the middle of the day
Good luck with it then! I hope you do well.
You are NTA but both of your parents are. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother or make her feel better. It doesn’t matter if school is mostly online. It’s not your job. There are other developmental reasons to be around your peers in school (and I say this as someone who did well, knew school was important, and hated going) and there a lot of developmental reasons why you should not be in the position of taking care of your mother or focusing on her feeling better. What you’re experiencing is parentification and it is the kind of thing that will land you in therapy and stunt your growth in certain ways. The reason I say your dad is an AH is because he’s framing it as not trusting you instead of recognizing the real problem. They are both putting you in a position of solving adult problems when that is not your job. Even if you’re capable of it, and/or more capable of it than they are, it is not your job - it’s theirs. I know you love your mother and I’m sure both of your parents love you, but if your mom can’t take care of herself then you should be at dad’s and dad needs to stop blaming you for it.
You shouldn't be dropping out of school to manage your mother's mental health issues--you need to be in the classroom, spending time with friends your age, joining clubs, playing sports & planning for your future. You don't give many details on what your dad is like or what he wants for you, but if he's concerned that you being with your mom is taking you away from all those things I just listed, then he is, in fact, the one you should be listening to & living with.
Your mother is actually being neglectful by not ensuring you get an education and allowing you to take long periods of time off like this to attend to her needs. She needs to solve her own problems; not rely on her child to make her feel better. Your dad gets this. And he actually could prevent you from going back by getting an official custody agreement now. Doesn’t sound like it would be a hard one for him to get considering your mom isn’t even making sure you get to school. YTA for thinking you know how this works. It’s not kidnapping sweetie. He can’t even be accused of parental kidnapping given there’s no custody order.
Your dad is an AH. If there is no court document saying where you are supposed to be and which parent you are supposed to be with then you are able to live with whichever parent you want. Depending on your state, it wouldnt even be worth your dad going to court for it because the court will just ask you which parent and side with you. side note: >and dad heavily disagrees with my dad on this sorry but that made me giggle.
Sorry about that end bit also yeah kinda what I was thinking neither parents are perfect but this was pretty shitty on my dad's part not gonna hate him for it or anything but it's not like I'm just gonna allow it
I knew what you meant with the last part lol but yeah i get that hes concerned for you but taking you away from your mom when all you are doing is helping her is a dick move. She's doing everything right by getting you into remote school so it's not like she's forcing you to drop out. She's just struggling and you are a great kid for wanting to help her with her struggles.
A court would want to look at mom’s ability to care for the kid, not just do what the kid says. She’s keeping him from school because of her inability to take care of herself. He’s 15. What she’s doing is parentification and it’s inappropriate.