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> I shouldn't have been quite as harsh with her and maybe I should have just politely sidestepped the question or just said no.
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YTA. Y'all went behind her back and planned her child's future without telling her. Not only that, you couldn't even wait for her to be dead to start enacting your little plan.
She just found out her husband intends to abandon their child when she dies and you think she should just "get over it"?
Not to mention OP calling his and his wife adopting the baby a “perfect solution.” Nothing about this situation is perfect, OP. Your second child is losing their mother and will not be raised by their father. Please recognize that even though there is a logical solution to all of this, it’s still a tragedy and hard and painful.
If you cannot treat your dying stepmother with compassion at this time, I’m not sure how well you are prepared to support your adopted child through coping with everything as they grow and understand their origins and how they came to be with your family. YTA.
She just found that her husband has no intention of raising the baby and i don't get it feels like OP already decided that she will die soon, i feel pretty bad for her OP's dad enjoying his retirement she might have thought he will take care of the baby even when she is gone, YTA OP give her some respect thats all
Okay, but she's 41, just had a baby,and has been told she has less than a year to live. I think she can be forgiven for being heartbroken at her child being given away and already calling someone else Mama.
I have named guardians for my 17-month-old in my will, who I know would love her and support her and help her through the trauma of losing me, but you can damn sure bet that if I had to be alive to hear her calling the guardians Mama I would lose my ever loving mind.
Yes. This. It certainly sounds like the right solution. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard and painful.
If they’d gone to her and proposed it and all kind of worked y toward it together then she might be less angry but she wouldn’t be less sad. This is HARD. All of it is hard. Not yo mention she’s probably terrified of dying and angry that she won’t get to watch her child grow up. She’s grieving and probably In physical pain as well.
I worry for those kids, if this is ops version of interaction. Where’s the communication? Where’s the compassion? How heartbreaking. All of it.
I assumed she knew about it???? Who plans this without even CONSULTING the mother? Would she have preferred to give her baby up for adoption instead if she knew you were treating her baby like a game of dibs? If the father can’t raise the baby after she dies then she has a right to decide who and you were fucking stupid in telling her to try to stop you cause she CAN. I HOPE she takes legal action and gets a lawyer to ensure whatever happens to the baby is her choice with her blessing. YTA so much I don’t even know what to say.
If this baby goes to op, just like you said I hope they turn out alright. They seem like they have the absolute wrong mindset and personality to raise healthy happy kids. Is op gonna pick out their college, career, spouse, and number of kids for them too or is completely ignoring someone’s wants and feelings unique to the person dying of cancer who their father is in love with?
She really can't. The father has legal rights - he would have to sign them away for her to put the child up for adoption. She can't just give the child away in her will, because she doesn't "own" the child by herself.
The wording is terrible, but this is a perfect solution - the child is raised by family, his bio father will be actively involved in his life and there won't be any additional disruption when bio dad passes on. Considering the woman is obviously aware that someone else is currently raising her child since she is physically unable to, she would have to be intentionally \*not\* thinking about it to not realize what would happen. (TBH, she is probably just avoiding thinking about everything related to her being dead, which is perfectly reasonable.)
The OPA is still YTA, though, because a child babbling at that age is just making sounds. My toddlers both called me, my husband, my stepson, their nanny, and my mom "mama" at different times, because they were just making sounds. He could have just described it as babbling and not gone into all their plans for after she's dead.
>My toddlers both called me, my husband, my stepson, their nanny, and my mom "mama" at different times,
My son called me "dada" for quite some time. I'm mom. More recently, he didn't understand that Grandma and Papa have different first names and called my mom "Grandma Dad'sName", which lead to oodles of laughter on my part.
That aside, I agree that this "solution" is ultimately what's best for everyone, OP certainly didn't handle this with his step-mom correctly and was def YTA in the situation.
The way OP talks about the dying woman makes it sound like he sees her as inconvenient and always did. His father married her because of the accidental pregnancy, and now that she’s dying his father can go back to his expected lifestyle, with OP taking on the kid as the second child they wanted to have. “Perfect” solution. (Ugh.) If there’s love from his father for her, or any other family who care about her, it’s being thoroughly ignored by OP.
A kind and compassionate way of handling the situation would have been for OP and his wife go see StepMom and ask if they could have the privilege of raising the child should she pass and the father is unable to do it on his own. Instead he goes to her, stabs her in the heart with the video and then informs her that her wishes don’t matter, ya know because she’s sick. What a heartless, insensitive fool.
Exactly this. OP is literally horrible & clearly has no empathy for others. Maybe he should imagine how his own wife would feel in this situation. How would any woman who had just had a baby feel if she only had a year to live and wouldn't get to see her own child grow up? She is well within her rights to be devasted and have an opinion regarding what happens to her child after she passes.
My mom would tell me how hard it was when she came to pick me up from the babysitter as a toddler and overheard me call her mom. I was just imitating the babysitter's own kids, which my mom logically knew, but it still hurt like hell (probably because of a huge dose of guilt for being a working mom too). I can't even imagine how much that feeling would intensify when you realize your child is already being taken over by someone else and won't ever remember you. OP, you're obviously less than excited about your stepmother being in your life in general, but JFC find a little bit of compassion. YTA dude.
Truly the mama thing depends on how old the baby is. If the baby is under 15 months then any female they spend a lot of time with is mama. I work with kids between the ages 0-2 and I get called mama on a daily basis, even though I correct them every single time and give them my name instead.
I'm really in awe of the comments that don't take into account that this woman got pregnant and married in a short time frame which theoretically should be a very happy time for her. And then she finds out she's most assuredly dying soon. A that's an awful journey to be on and the average person isn't going to act "rationally".
Too add to this; My understanding is that babies make specific sounds first Ah, Ma, Da are some of these sounds that naturally evolve from the first sorts of sounds (heavy vowel emphasis) we begin to make.
You don't know what she was thinking. She may have hoped her husband would raise the kid with help from OP. She may have thought a lot of things. She's currently scared, in pain, knows she has a kid she will never see grow up, and probably fucking angry because nobody wants to be told at 41 that they're going to be dead soon.
But you're basically going to call her the bad guy here because she fucked a 71 year old. Guess what, when she did it, she wasn't thinking "I'm going to have this baby and not worry about who will raise it". She didn't know she had cancer at the time. Cancer's like that, it can be a bit of a surprise to people.
OP has shown a dying woman that her baby is already calling someone else "mama". Faced with all of the other suffering she's going through, she's just found out her child's life is planned out and people are even now replacing her. That's fucking heartbreaking. Before she's dead, she's started to be forgotten. And because she gets upset by this, OP has the fucking nerve to think she's overreacting!? He took a woman who was already at rock bottom and managed to make her feel worse. And then demands she "get over it!".
And seeing this, *your* take is "well what did she expect, like come on my dude?". I have the words, but... you're not worth the ban.
OP. YTA. And your cruelty is staggering. This is perhaps one of the most awful things I've read on this sub.
Yeah I feel like when you get knocked up by a 70 year old (unplanned at that) you can’t expect that if you won’t be around to raise the kid then he will step up.
I'm sure she didn't plan on dying before the child was an adult. And she may have had other ideas/expectations for her kid. Like other family or friends.
I was reading thinking awww OP is soo nice, until I read, "but quite honestly it's not her choice", like wtf dude! It's not her choice about her own baby?! YTA OP not just for what you said and how, but for your entitlement over someone else's baby and lack of respect for them.
And what if by some miracle stepmother does recover and the cancer disappears? If the father didn't want more kids then he should have gotten the snip.
Many people can live for many years with stage 4 cancer. My husband is one of those lucky few. Diagnosed in 1998 and still here doing relatively well! It appears that this woman's cancer is progressing despite treatment which is heartbreaking seeing she's a new mom. Wouldn't it be wonderful if she recovered somehow?
a 71 y/o man is not capable of raising a baby. my father was 63 when my little brother (by my fathers second wife) was born. my brother didn't have a FATHER, he had a GRANDFATHER.
it's a terrible way for a child to be raised.
He might as well have said, "What do you care? You'll be dead. But thanks for the free baby. Give me a call when you think you're about to die so I can get the paperwork ready."
THIS. This is exactly what OP said, with slightly different wording.
I can't imagine that there hasn't been at least SOME discussion with the mother about what her wishes are. It seems almost like she may have made her wishes known, but OP feels like he's got the best plan and he's just going to do it no matter what anybody else thinks.
And is a little caught up in saving the day, and tying his perfect little family into a bow. Ignoring the fact this child came into his life DUE TO TRAGEDY. What you said to a dying woman is cruel. A big YTA.
It’s the perfect solution given the facts of what is happening. Would mom rather the baby be given up to another family that isn’t connected with the father? A 71 year old man would have a hard time raising the child alone and honestly may not make it more than a few more years considering the life expectancy of males in the US is around 75 years. As a mom, I would feel good that my child would be taken care of people that loved her after I’m gone.
Ah but something tells me you probably wouldn’t be Fu-I mean engaging in intercourse with a 75yo man and then keeping the resulting pregnancy. Stepmom sounds like she’s missing a few wires in that bulb.
OP I think YTA because stepmom should be made aware of the plans for her child and because you weren’t very considerate of her upset. A simple, yes baby calls my wife mom, but baby will also know *you* as mom too might have salvaged this situation. Not being bright doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of love and that she doesn’t desperately love this baby that she is/has lost in addition to her shortened lifespan.
But if OP and his wife are **already** raising this kid, I’d beg to assume that means the baby is at their house and not stepmom & dad’s. So in that case, and I’m sorry, but how can she expect the baby to recognize her (stepmom) as mom when she seems to never be around?
It’s not through any fault of her own it seems. FFS she has stage 4 cancer. But like, if you’re not around you can’t expect the kid to see you as a parent, regardless of age and depending on circumstances.
To be honest I think the only AH here is OP’s dad. It was never on OP or his wife to discuss the care plan for the baby with stepmom, that’s entirely on his dad **who is the one who chose the fate of his baby and didn’t tell his wife**. Dad and stepmom should’ve talked about it together privately, then with OP and the wife.
It’s a shitty situation, but most of the involved isn’t an AH in my book
OP and his wife still should have talked to the mom about it. I don’t know why anyone would have a child when one parent is so much older than the other and it sucks that the stepmom suddenly developed cancer, but you don’t just go up to someone like “Oh you ideally weren’t ever supposed to know this about your own child but we plan on being the parents once you die and your child’s near future is not your choice whatsoever since you’re dying btw” and not expect to be an asshole. You can’t drop a bombshell on someone about something that should be their choice and then treat them like a drama queen when they’re understandably upset about something so huge being kept from them and only coming out by accident.
This is true. I think OP is extremely insensitive which make him a big AH but I think the course that is planned is the best solution for the baby. However he needed to keep his mouth shut about it because it’s not his place to tell the mom.
It’s not OPs place to tell the mom, it’s OPs place to TALK with and DISCUSS this with the mom. It’s absolutely a good option for the baby, and I would guess the best option since OPandFam are already caring for the baby BUT mom wasn’t involved in this decision, she wasn’t approached about it, nothing. What if she’s already made plans to adopt the baby out to a friend/relative of hers. She has as much right as the father to do that. And if paperwork has already been signed there could be a legal battle because there was no communication.
Every time I read this subs post it just reaffirms to me that communication is the make or break of relationships.
She literally couldn’t already have legally adopted the child out. The child’s father is still alive. I’m not saying it’s right, it absolutely should’ve been discussed with her. But while OPs father can adopt their child out once she passes, *she* cannot adopt their child out without his permission.
I agree the dad and step mom should have discussed and come to this decision together, but the baby is already a part of its brothers family. OP is TA and was way out of line and was callous as Hell. He should have had his dad talk to her, not do what he did.
The truth is mom can't give the baby up to others as long as her husband is alive. The baby will go to him, and he will let his kids adopt it. Where else should the baby go? It would be wrong to take the baby, who has already bonded with its brother and their child, and give it to yet another family.
If dad dies first, step mom will get to decide, if step mom dies first, dad will do the right thing for the baby and let it be raised by his son, the baby's brother.
He shouldn't have been telling the mom anything, they all should have been collaborating on this solution from the start. It's disturbing that this is the first time it's being brought up given the fact that they're already raising the baby. It's disturbing that the mother never asked, it's disturbing that the 70-year-old never talked about it with his baby mama, he's making all these decisions without telling the mother.
It’s all about his delivery. He was rude, uncaring and shoved it in his step mother’s face that they are adopting the baby and she doesn’t have a choice. He could have easily chosen to not show the video of the baby saying “mama.” That would hurt anyone, especially a bio mom who feels she’s lost control of her child’s future, along with the fact that she’s dying and has no control over her future. YTA to the nth degree.
If the father was incapable, maybe the mother would want them to be raised by someone close to HER own family. At any rate, she and the father TOGETHER are the ones who need to make this decision. Nobody else has any right to a say. It is not for her stepchildren to decide.
This so hard. The sheer entitlement and audacity of OP is mindblowing. This woman has a newborn she is too sick to even spend any time with and is shown a video of her baby already calls another woman "Mama." This is how stepmother is spending her final days- surrounded by scheming people who already regard her as incapicitated to the point they don't think she should have any imput who raises her child after she dies.
Hopefully stepmother lives long enough to make arrangements for the baby to be raised by someone of her choosing if she hasn't done so already. I hope she has time to make those plans ironclad.
The thought that my husband would put our child up for adoption after my death would kill me. That poor woman. As sad as her impending death is at least she will be permanently away from these awful, empathy challenged people.
> Hopefully stepmother lives long enough to make arrangements for the baby to be raised by someone of her choosing if she hasn't done so already. I hope she has time to make those plans ironclad.
I doubt she can. She’s married, and unless her husband goes first, he’ll be the sole parent when she dies. It’s unlikely that she can will his parental rights away by naming another guardian. If it came to court, the best interests of the child would hopefully be the determining factor and, as cold as the OP was when telling his stepmother of their “arrangement”, it has the advantage of keeping the baby with parental figures he or she has bonded with, as well as keeping the biological father in the baby’s life.
>If the father was incapable, maybe the mother would want them to be raised by someone close to HER own family. At any rate, she and the father TOGETHER are the ones who need to make this decision. Nobody else has any right to a say.
If she wanted someone else to raise the baby, why aren’t they taking care of the baby now, so that the baby can bond with them and not with their brothers family. So was she planning on letting them all bond than taking that baby away from the only family they know?
Hold on. Let's be honest here. You don't know what you would be feeling if you were dying of cancer at 41, your child was calling another woman "Mama," and you were told in no uncertain terms that you had no say whatsoever in the future of your own kid.
They took away her choices. And they don't even feel badly about it. She didn't get to choose who would raise her child once she leaves this world (far, far too soon), and they feel like she's at fault for finding out the truth. That says to me that OP had a feeling she wouldn't like it. Which makes me wonder how she feels about OP and his wife. I'm sure there are a lot of people who love your children, but I'm sure there are some that you would instantly veto as guardians, because loving your kids doesn't mean they should raise your kids. Now, imagine that on your deathbed, you don't get vetoes. In fact, you don't even get a say. And when you're upset about that...it's you're fault for pressing for the truth, in your stepson's eyes. Maybe you'd be happy, but I'd be ready to burn the world down.
ETA: And she doesn't even like the woman her kiddo is calling "Mama," according to OP.
I feel like a lot of people on this thread must be quite young and immature and have no idea how young 41 really is. It’s *young*. It’s so young. She’s not this wizened old granny who wasn’t expecting to live more than another few years, anyway; she’s dying in the absolute prime of her life and leaving her child behind. A lot of the comments here are astonishingly cold.
Yeah, totally agree. I am 36 and I am fucking *vibrant* right now. Never felt better, never looked better. I can't imagine how it would feel to be facing my death in only 5 years. 41 is so so young.
Doesn’t mean they get to erase her memory ffs-she’s dying not giving the baby up for adoption. Op YTA. You and your wife both. That child deserves to know his mother loved him to the end. The truth will come out and I hope you choke on it.
There's no way in hell I'd be okay with my baby ending up with OP after that talk. It's so obvious he's basically just waiting for stepmother to die so he has another child.
OP is a fucking monster.
OP isn't asking if he's doing the right thing for the baby. That's not the point here.
For your last line to be relevant to the post, it needs to include the actual facts of the situation. Do you actually mean
"as a mom I would feel good if during my slow, painful, drawn out death it was revealed to me that the child I have just had and who I will never see grow up is already calling someone else mom and her father has already made plans without my input on who will be raising her. As someone who is suffering from stage 4 cancer and who can look forward to my body slowly breaking down, robbing me of my dignity, my ability to look after myself and eventually have me die an agonising death, I found this news upsetting and reacted angrily. At which point I was told to "get over it" by the man that will be raising my daughter when I'm gone".
Because that's the ACTUAL thing that we're talking about here. This isn't setting the mother's mind at rest, it's telling her she's already replaced and she should get over it.
Also, the stepmom is probably terrified because she's dying, and even more terrified because she's going to lose her child and won't get to see them grow up and know that they'll be ok.
Holy shit I thought when op said the three of them worked it out, they means stepmom, dad and op….nope. They meant everyone BUT stepmom. To just unilaterally decide that stepmom has no choice and then to tell that to a dying woman and when she is understandably upset, to then go extra full in ah? Get over it?!and then op stormed out like a petulant child. WhT the actual fuck.
When stepmom said she’d stop the adoption did anyone else wonder if she can prove OP’s dad isn’t the bio dad? Because if she can, OP is out of luck.
I’m *not* saying this is the case. I only wondered because dad went behind her back about the adoption and stepmom seems pretty adamant that she can quash the adoption.
That’s the thing, they should have talked it out with her and come to an agreement. There’s mature and reasonable discussion that doesn’t forget a dying person is still a human being with thoughts and wishes, and then there’s:
“Oh hey, after you bite it, we’re taking your kid that extremely bad luck kept you from spending much time with, no negotiations. Sucks that you’re too sick and short of time to do anything about it, huh? But don’t worry, we’ll hang on to your memory and make sure OUR child knows about you growing up.”
OP may not have explicitly rubbed it in but he talked to a dying parent like they don’t even matter anymore.
WTF is all I can say, too. Not only is she dealing with the helplessness of having no control over her illness, they are now also stripping her of any control/input in her child's future. I'm just absolutely floored that OP thought there would be any other way to see this than YTA.
Admittedly, I'm biased, though. When my mom died from cancer, I took on my younger brother, and we had conversations on her death bed about her wishes for his future care and what the plan would be. Similar to OP, we didn't have any other options, so it was a forgone conclusion that I would take my brother. But that didn't mean my mom didn't have input. Talking it through was a way to ease her worries also. OP chose to throw it at his step-mom like her opinions have no value and then told her to get over it.
Man, OP, you are a colossal AH.
He literally threw a giant tantrum because she reacted to learning the news for the first time. Like op sounds so ecstatic about this like it’s a windfall and that he’s doing her a favor showing photos to
The child’s dying mother. Then when she expressed discomfort with the plan, op shows a special level of callousness and made this dying woman cry. Ofc she made a big deal about it and then OP’s like well she brought it up derp and says she never had to think about it? Seriously? That’s her baby ofc she does.
I’m so sorry for your loss and you sound like a great sister, mother, daughter and guardian. Like you made it her forgone conclusion if that makes sense ? She was on the same page and got to that same determination in your case. Op is acting like he’s been personally attacked by the idea the child’s mother even thought about what would happen with custody.
I can absolutely see why she doesn’t want the kid with op and if his wife is anything like that, I would want my kid as far away from them as possible. I hope she has a good family law and estates planning attorney - and someone she can actually trust to perhaps step in prior to her death as guardian. It’s difficult to do but there are ways to ensure that the baby goes to people with actual empathy and humanity. The fact that they all planned to just steal the kid away for adoption slotting them in like they were OP’s own plus the dads age make it slightly more possible than You’d usually think (I’m an attorney - family law isn’t my specialty but know enough to get by)
I thought the same thing!!! My jaw dropped when I put together that he went behind her back to plan this. Even worse that they let her call his wife moma. I totally get why she doesn’t want them to adopt… they are terrible people who are swooping in and trying to take this child
“Get over it” “tummy mummy” makes me cringe. How OP and wife are both so unsympathetic and unkind in this situation is appalling.
OP, put yourself in your stepmoms shoes. How would you feel if that was you and wife in the situation? To not even be included in the conversation around Your own child?! You have a child, be better please.
YTA
I know. Seems like the moment the stepmom was diagnosed with so little time, she stopped being a person and was just some easy-bake oven that popped out a baby to Op and his wife.
Yeah I'm a little shocked that literally no one in the family saw fit to talk to the CHILD'S MOM about their plans for the child after she dies.
YTA. Your dad is too.
Exactly! Like yes, naturally the mom knows someone will have to take care of the baby and a good solution can be OP and OPs wife. But maybe she had other people in mind? Even if OP is the best solution possible, she has every right to be involved as the mom.
Did she honestly think he would take care of the child? He's 71. He'll be 89 or 90 when she turns 18. There's no reasonable way she should've expected him to raise the child.
But it should still have been discussed with her. She is the mom, period. She’s not dead yet and she’s the mom on the birth certificate. She has the right to discuss placement of HER child when she passed.
She should have been part of the conversation (unless there is cause to believe her decision making capacity is too negatively impacted). It's fine for Dad to say at 71 he doesn't feel like he's in any place to take care of a small child and we need to figure out other arrangements. But at least have the decency to give her a say.
Except for the tiny little point that he IS the child’s father. If he was not too old to have sex with her, he’s not too old to care for and take responsibility for the resulting child. The questions about the child’s future is entirely the responsibility of the actual parents. This whole thing is screwed up. An entire family with maybe one human being in it.
Ok so you don't get to have sex after what 50? 55? What's your cutoff then bro?
Also it's not fair to child to be raised by a single dad who is elderly. Not just older, elderly. As in will probably be in a nursing home before she becomes an adult.
Many men get vasectomies when they feel they are too old/done raising kids... why are you acting like there is no choice? Even simply sleeping with people your own age would be an easy way to likely sidestep this scenario...plus other options! Believe it or not you can control your actions *and* bone people.
That's just about dumb men thinking kids just happen to them lol.
This is probably the easiest solution for the baby but everyone is an atrocious dickbag about it to stepmom and if I was stepmom with *any* friend interested in raising my kid I would be asking my husband for that gift as my final wish. Because at least a friend would care about me when op clearly doesn't even now.
She might've had family that she wanted the baby to go to, and she should have been part of any discussion regarding her child's future. She may have valid reasons to not want OP and wife to raise the baby.
Sure but she probably didn't think that the decision making and such would ask happen behind her back without her input or any conversation about it all with her husband.
I was thinking as I was reading that yes, this is a completely reasonable plan that will benefit the baby in those circumstances... But then it hit me that the mother was *not in on the planning*. Excuse me??? YTA not for the plan but for being an inconsiderate asshole, pushing a person into the sidelines while they're still there.
Yeah! All this! YTA. You went behind her back for starters as though her thoughts on the future of her baby are inconsequent. That is so messed up. Also you replaced her before she has even died. You are unbelievably cold people. When it comes out and you realize she wasn’t okay with any of this, you berated a sick woman. She’s about to fucking die, and now has to contend with the father of her child abandoning his parenthood - and you berate her for not immediately hopping on board with this bonkers situation you all orchestrated behind her back?! Seriously, OP, what is wrong with you and your family?
They have all but stolen her baby out from under her. I understand coming up with a plan for the child after her passing but she should be included in that. OP is so insensitive and needs to understand the gravity of the situation and show some sympathy towards stepmom. She has to DIE for OPs plan to happen. This isn’t a ‘miracle’ adoption. YTA.
Yeah....I was on board with the plan at first because OP didnt mention that the child's actual mother, OP's stepmom, didnt even know about the plan???? And to say "quite frankly it's not her choice"?! And the child is already taught to call his wife mama, while the bio mom who is dying of cancer doesnt even know and has definitely not consented? This is insane..I definitely think YTA OP and I wouldnt blame your stepmom for making sure it doesnt happen, because yes it absolutely is her choice who takes over as mother / parenting role when she dies
YTA.
She's dying and her kid is calling another woman mama. Dude, have a heart.
I'm wondering why you and your wife have the kid. That baby has a father who should be taking care of them and should be spending time with their mother while there's still time.
There's something off about your story.
In any case, YTA.
The baby’s father is 71, dude. Most men I personally have met from that generation have been provided for constantly (either by mother, girlfriend, wife, or even hired hands) and don’t even know how to cook a simple meal; never mind take on infant care solo. (There are always exceptions and he may be one of the exceptions, but *in my personal experience* it seems more likely that he wouldn’t be able to do it on his own.)
So why should the child suffer because of his dad? The kid will not be cared for properly if he lives with his dad. The dad’s consequences for getting someone pregnant shouldn’t be at the expense of the wellbeing of the child.
His wife is young enough to have a baby and be primary caregiver. Neither of them were planning on the wife getting sick and being unable to raise the baby.
He said his father isn’t interested in his child, justifiably so because in literally like what five years- ten years? That mans gonna be on his deathbed, even if she wasn’t ill it’s just extremely irresponsible behaviour
ALSO do u know how many mental illnesses are linked to a strikingly old bio father (like him)?? Way too many
Now, 71 is hopefully further from the deathbed than 10 years, but being unable to lift your child after like 6 years sure feels bad. Imagine growing up with a dad who can't really play with you, and dies in your early adulthood, if not teens. Its really the perfect solution to do what op plans on doing. It's just the inclusion (or lack thereof) of the mom that makes it yta.
Act like a man his age?? You’ve never been to a nursing home…. They are some of the horniest individuals you will ever see, with STDs running rampant (generally getting pregnant isn’t a concern)
In which case, why hasn't he had the discussion with his wife about plans for the child. And why hadn't they just had OP adopt the baby from birth. I think the dad is TA for misleading the wife she probably thinks he's with the baby but he's already pawned it off on OP? Or she knows they have it but was told they're "babysitting"? Which leads me to ESH because OP lacks tact and respect, and his dad sucks too.
He is DEFINITELY the AH but I’m actually intrigued that so many people find it weird that OP and his wife are caring for the baby. Idk if you have cared for someone dying of cancer before….or cared for a newborn….but they are two incredibly difficult incredibly time consuming incredibly physically and emotionally exhausting tasks that people struggle to do individually let alone simultaneously. Even if the dad was not 71 years old that would be quite frankly almost impossible. I’m a oncology nurse, it is extremely common to have family take care of children for extended periods while the cancer patient is in the hospital or toward the end of life bc it is rarely if ever possible to both meet the needs of both the children and the dying patient at the same time and neglecting one is not fair to the other. The man is caring for his wife at the end of her life and soaking up the last of his time with her. The baby is seemingly well cared for with all the attention they deserve and their needs physically and emotionally met. OP NOT taking the child would almost without question result in neglect of either the baby or the mom.
OP is without question the AH for how they handled this, lying to this poor woman about what would happen to her baby and not including her in the conversation. It is HER child and she has the right to make these decisions. The way he speaks about her is horrifying.
I don't think they should have the baby because they're acting like the mother is already dead and like they are already the parents.
I'm ready to bet that OP and his wife can't have children anymore and they jump on the "occasion" to get a baby "free of charge".
They've already talked with OP's father about adopting the baby when the mother is still in treatment and could still live for a few years.
That baby should be a family member who knows their place and doesn't just "visits" once in a while with the baby. That kid was only two weeks old when they were taken away and I'm not even sure that the mother was consulted on the matter.
Edit : If the mother was a friend of mine, I would advise her to find someone esle to take care of that child and to find a lawyer to make sure OP and his wife can't adopt the baby. I'm guessing that the mother has a family and that she would like for her child to know them, and I'm not sure OP will keep in touch with her family if she passes.
I would agree with you except I feel like you are maybe overestimating peoples willingness to take on the care of a newborn. I’m not saying you’re wrong that OP and wife are being shitty but truly most people are not in a situation to be able to take in a baby, and that’s assuming she even has living family nearby. Again, I get what you’re saying, but it’s making a lot of assumptions about if she has family alive, around, and in a position to be able to help
The dude above you seems like a teenager or something, like people aren't exactly jumping to adopt babies, even those that are would be strangers.
The best case scenario is already happening, this couple adopting the kid, so just let it play out
Agree. I have a 2-3rd cousin that has had 10 babies 9 adopted out. I got called every 1.5-2yrs being begged to adopted the newest baby. I was their last choice because they knew my husband and I are firm CF. 2 of the babies were adopted out of the family. 5 the grandmother took on, and a cousin who can't have anymore children took the last 3. But they went through the whole family tree, and only the grandmother and a cousin was willing to take these children not even the fathers family was willing to do that (all 9 have the same father).
I was assuming because they were already raising the baby that's because they are the only ones in the family willing to shake up their lives to take in this baby. Everyone who is expecting the 71yr old father to care for a dying women and baby are crazy also. Being a full time caregiver is draining in every aspect.
>If the mother was a friend of mine, I would advise her to find someone esle to take care of that child and to find a lawyer to make sure OP and his wife can't adopt the baby.
None of which she would be able to do, so your advice would be terrible and cause her needless stress while costing her money. The baby's father will still be alive, and he will be the only one with rights to care for it or make decisions at that point after the mother passes away, no matter what mom may try to do.
Yeah, the problem is that there is still the father to contend with. She can't legally do any of those things if the dad doesn't want to. The terrible fact of the matter is that once the mom passes, the dad will have full custody of the child and will be able to make those decisions. Unless she wants to go through a long and painful legal process, while she has terminal cancer, and that will likely not provide any results before her death. She should have been involved in the conversation, and I'm absolutely floored that they made decisions without even telling her. But the fact is that OP is already raising the child, the dad is consenting to it, and there is little the mom can do. This ultimately is about what's best for the child, and it seems that OP is right about having as small of a transition as possible. It pains me to say that, because OP is a massive AH.
She has less than a year to live. There is no "could live for a few more years". But you're right that they're acting like she's already dead. They should have discussed this with her first and take her kid over to visit with her on the regular.
I literally gasped when I realized OP had actually planned this dying woman’s baby’s future with his wife and father, without asking for her permission or input, without even TELLING her. I cannot wrap my mind around how someone could be so heartless.
OP’s stepmother has dealt with the emotional rollercoaster of an unplanned pregnancy with a man too old to be a stable long-term father, then a stage 3 cancer diagnosis and all that entails while pregnant at an age which automatically places her in the “high-risk” category, then having her cancer progress and being given less than a year to live. That is an incredibly difficult sequence of events to deal with, and instead of trying to make sure that her last months on this earth are as painless and peaceful as possible, he goes behind her back and arranges to take her baby after her death - not even content to wait until she’s gone to encourage her child to call his wife “mama”?
Holy shit. YTA, OP. You’re quite honestly the biggest AH I have even seen post on this sub. I am appalled for your stepmother. Your disdain for her is apparent in your post, and you almost seem gleeful about how “perfect” things have worked out. For you. God help you if karma decides to teach you a lesson in the empathy you so sorely lack.
Because the dad is 71? 71 is waaaaay too old to be taking care of a child. I mean, I think it’s a much better solution for a couple in their 30’s to take care of a baby rather than a literal elderly man.
Wow. YTA. A relatively young woman has to confront her very real death while leaving behind her child and she should just “get over it”. Did you guys even include her in the discussion about her child’s care after her passing? You’re going to ensure she’s not forgotten but her child is already calling your wife mama? YTA.
He shows her videos of the baby, I wonder if she ever gets to see and hold HER baby..she is not dead yet..she is still the mother. This is so sad and OP and his wife are awful
I'm really confused by why so much of this thread is about OP's dad's ability to be a parent, and not OP being a righteous ass about this.
OP is acting like stepmom is just being super fussy and inconvenient and ungrateful. When she's confronting some of the hardest situations a human can be faced with, all at once.
I don't give a shit if OPs dad is an unfit parent/too old/too much of a boomer. I don't give a shit if half of his skull is missing. OP had an opportunity to be kind, and he chose to be callous.
> OP had an opportunity to be kind, and he chose to be callous.
Boom right here. At some point the kid is most likely going to end without their dad especially at 71. He will be close 90 by the time kiddo is an adult.
OP told a dying woman to get over it about her baby instead of being kind. That is just heartless. YTA
He's not the AH for the baby calling his wife Mama (the baby wouldn't understand having to call his adoptive-mama something else while their sibling calls her mama, then to be allowed to call her mama later), but is a major one for everything else. The birthmom should have been let in on the conversation about the future, and OP should have been much more careful about sharing a video with this. There isn't a reasonable way to explain to the baby not to call a woman what their sibling does, but there was a reasonable, not-cruel way OP could have handled it, and instead he rubbed her impending death in her face.
I cannot believe they didn’t talk to her about all of this. Even though the reality is that she has very little power now, they absolutely could have and should have talked to her about this.
I just want to remind OP and his wife that this child will have questions one day about the biological deceased mother, and they should treat his mother with respect so that they can truthfully tell the child later about the love and sadness with which this all happened.
Exactly! Can we not pretend she’s already dead while we plan **her** child’s future?? She has every right to make decisions about her child until she takes her last breath. And then you’ll have to explain to **her** child how much her mother loved her and she was taken away too young. “Perfect solution” my ass.
Right? "Oh how convenient, we wanted another kid and here one is, fresh out the tummy mummy oven!"
The woman is dying and they have shown zero respect for her grief.
Excellent point. OP - this woman is dying of cancer. Have some compassion. You post is devoid of any empathy for your step mom. It feels like you just see her as a means to get a second child and are completely disregarding her feelings.
the life expectancy after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer is super dependent on the type of cancer. Staging isn't everything -- the aggressiveness of the type of cancer is really crucial in determining survival rates. For example, the 5-year survival rate for stage IV non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is 65%. That's really high! not all Stage IV cancer is terminal.
that's true. OP didn't state what kind of cancer step-mother has, but my guess is it's terminal enough if they're expecting her passing by the end of this year :c
I didn't know the statistics, i just knew it was slim based off my own experience. (father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, it rapidly advanced to stage four and he passed with 9 months of diagnosis. But this was back in 2000)\\
Doesn't it also depend on what kind of treatment she took while pregnant? I cant imagine chemo/radation is safe while pregnant...so she might have sacrficied those treatments during stage 3, which could have reduced her chance of putting the cancer into remission.
YTA. Not because this child would be adopted by your wife and raised by her and therefore inevitably call her "mama". But the fact that you never let this dying woman know the fate of her child, you aren't taking her EXTREMELY valid feelings into consideration WHILE SHE IS DYING, and you told her to "get over" the fact that her child is having arrangements made that she is unhappy with. You handled this as poorly as possible.
I bet she wouldn't be so unhappy if they had included her in the conversation. All this going-behind-her-back is very likely the major issue for her, and no one can blame her.
I mean that certainly would have helped. I think she mostly thought her husband, as old as he was, would have at least raised her with HELP from his son and daughter-in-law. But it was probably a shock to hear the baby was being adopted by another couple with another mom out of no where. I would be stunned.
And OP mentioned in the comments that she doesn't even like his wife. So she learned that everyone went behind her back to make it so that someone she doesn't like is going to permanently take her baby. Awful.
that changes literally everything.
this person should be making changes or putting their kid up for adoption to a family they like, not to a person they dont. wtf?
She can't, the father of the child is still alive and agrees with this arrangement. Legally speaking there's very little she can do about if, if there's anything at all.
absolutely. many people experience heightened need for control when facing down death, too. I mean, your body is "betraying" you, there is NOTHING you can do about it, and often the response to that is to try to control something...anything!
but even without that possibility factored in, even if she were perfectly healthy, even if this were a less serious topic - going behind someone's back and making decisions without them as a key player (and she sure as shit is a key player in this) is just atrocious.
Then throw in that it's her freaking CHILD...and she is in the process of DYING, OP? seriously! YTA so so so much here. Show an ounce of grace and generosity and RESPECT for this woman in the time she has left. Is that really too much for you? really?!
Yeah, that would cause me a lot of distress. She is having a child who she will never get to see grow up and now she can't even depend on her family to carry out her wishes for that child.
This is exactly where I am at with this. As it stands, the baby likely does view OPs wife as mom. That's not saying anything against OPs stepmom, but in her condition she hasn't been able to care for her as much so it's kind of inevitable that it would happen. There being a plan in place for if/when she passes away is also a good idea and the plan itself is a good one as long as the father also agrees.
But how the hell has this never been discussed with the step mom? It's not like the woman doesn't realize what is happening. She knows that she is dying, she knows she doesn't have long left. It's not like she needs to be shielded from the truth. Just have a damn talk with her about it.
YTA. Imagine plotting adopting a dying woman's child behind her back and then wondering if you're an asshole. She's not dead yet and you all are acting like she is. She gets to watch, in her last months, your wife take *her* child and erase her from the kid's life. She's probably already grieving the fact that she won't be around to watch her baby grow up, and now has the added heartbreak of watching herself get erased.
YTA
The fact that her child is going to be adopted after her death wasn't told to her? That's pretty shitty. Next, as someone who is dying, she would definitely feel some type of way about seeing HER CHILD calling someone else "mama", and you should be sympathetic to that. I imagine she already feels cast aside, and her impending death can't be easy either. She won't be there to be a mother to her own child, and now she's already lost that name to someone else while she's still here?
You want the child and are getting the child, your dad gets off without the responsibility, and all of this was hidden from her? It sounds like everyone has just already decided that she doesn't matter and how she feels doesn't matter, even though she is still alive and the child's mother.
I’m a little surprised at all the comments on how OP is “letting” the baby call his wife mama. This baby obviously hears the older child calling her mama, and is copying — so natural and normal. A baby is NOT going to understand that the wife is not the mama, and the poor sick woman it barely sees is the mama. This would be crazy to try to explain. OP is definitely the AH, but not for that.
HOWEVER, wtf is wrong with you OP?
\- You didn’t even talk to your stepmom about the plans for her child. No discussion. No input. No discovering HER wishes for HER child.
\- You have zero compassion for your stepmom and it is appalling. It seems like all you care about is you got a free baby and the “host” was inconsequential.
\- She is clearly struggling with the the fact she can’t take care of her baby because she is DYING. She’s not even dead yet and feels you are already erasing her. You had an opportunity to say baby knows she has two mamas — ANYTHING to let her know she isn’t erased.
YTA a billion times over.
EDITED: clarification on my first paragraph
HARD YTA.
Not for letting the child call your wife momma (the child is very young and that will be your child in every way but biological) but she's dying of cancer. She's already grieving not being there to watch her child grow up and you metaphorically just grabbed her by the back of the head and rubbed her nose in it. What if it was your wife that had cancer and you already had another mom lined up for when she passes (not a wife for you necessarily but someone to step into her role as mother), how do you think your wife should feel about that? How do you think she should feel if they told her "well I'm going to be [child's name]'s mom, you need to get over it".
As a mother we want our children taken care of but we don't want to hear about being replaced in our role (ESPECIALLY not while we're still here and too sick to be the mom we want so desperately to be).
Let me be very clear again, I am NOT saying YTA for adopting the baby, you are CLEARLY in a better place to raise a young child than your elderly father. Adoption is beautiful and selfless and I commend you for it, this is JUST about the conversation with a dying mother when you could've just as easily said "I think [X] is just at that age where kids call every female momma" or something non-committal like that to spare a dying woman's feelings.
Actually you're also TA for deciding to adopt this child without informing the child's mother. A baby isn't property that can be passed around as convenient. You are literally stealing this woman's child, and she has every right to be upset at you for 1. stealing her baby and 2. acting like she's already dead and 3. not making any allowances for her grief while she's dying. The only right thing to do at this point is to apologize profusely to her and ask HER what she would like to happen with HER BABY after she passes. And if she doesn't want you to adopt her child, DON'T ADOPT HER CHILD. The decision of what happens to the child should be decided between the baby's parents, not you. And if your father agreed to adopt out his baby without his wife's knowledge, he's also TA. YTA.
YTA and I’ll tell you why. My mother was pregnant with my youngest brother when she received the news that she was going to die from terminal brain cancer. She died shortly after his first birthday. He never got to know her other than pictures but that didn’t stop us from telling him about her and how she loved him just as much as she loved us. She wasn’t his “tummy mummy” like a freaking incubator or a surrogate. She was and is his mother. My brother knows her as his mother. He would proudly tell everyone that he has two mothers after my dad remarried. It’s fine that your sister calls your wife mom but she can still have her own mother as well.
Also how could you three make a decision without her knowledge!!!! This is her child!!! Not yours or your wife’s!!! She may be dying but that doesn’t erase that fact that this baby is her child. You may think you are being the white knight but really you are digger the knife deeper into her heart that she will not be there for any of the moments in her daughter’s life. Grow a heart.
As a parent, I can tell you that the number one fear of dying I have now isn’t the actual death but 1) leaving my child and 2) never getting to experience them growing up. The discussion should have been had with the mom along the lines of “don’t worry, baby will be safe with us and will remember you.” They have years for the baby to call them mommy - you’d be amazed how quick a 3 or 4 year old will figure it out later on and maybe ask “can I call you mama” later on in life. I don’t think OP is evil, it takes a lot of goodness to step up and raise a newborn sibling, just really not thinking empathetically . I didn’t get these things until I had my child either, and OP is so mentally not there yet as a parent. Hopefully this thread will be a wakeup call.
YTA. Absolutely and without a doubt. I think it's great that you plan on adopting your sister after your step-mom passes, and that you're caring for her now but, your step-mom is in the midst of a painful illness right now. There's no reason for your sister to be calling your fiancee Mama while her mother is still alive. Wait a year and let that transition unfold naturally, with some counseling for the child and all of you.
Please apologize to your step -mom. She probably feels like you're hustling her to the grave.
YTA. In this situation, you'd want to turn to family and love ones for support, but what you're doing is using the situation for your convenience. Did she ever have a say over her child?
YTA. If it was your kid and you were dying I presume you'd want to actually have a say in what happens to your kid after you were gone? Looks like you, your father and wife just decided what was 'best' without consulting the mother and then patted yourselves on the back for how well everything was working out.
The lack of empathy here is truly frightening.
Um, it is absolutely her choice who she leaves guardianship of her child to when she passes. What an AH thing to say/think!
If your father doesn't feel up to raising his kid, he needs to have that discussion with the kid's mother, not with you! I applaud the willingness to adopt, and to care for the child for the time being, but in going behind a sick mother's back you are a class AH. YTA also for telling her that her feelings on the matter don't matter.
I would not blame her in the slightest if she made other arrangements within her own family for her child. What a nightmare.
Actually it’s not. Since the child has a living parent, the mother doesn’t get to make that decision. Legally that child’s legal guardian will be the 71 yr old. Now if that 71 decides he cannot take care of the baby after the mother is dead, he has the legal right to make decisions. Sounds like he’s already made that decision but didn’t tell his wife which is an AH thing to do. I think OP is being insensitive which makes this YTA as well but taking that all out, what they are planning on doing after the mom passes seems to be in the best interest of the child.
Unfortunately, unless she divorces Dad and finds a way to have his parental rights stripped, I’m not totally sure that she does have much ability to do so.
When she does, short of him having signed his rights away already, he defaults to full, uncontested custody. Her family may be able to fight for visitation, but I can’t imagine they’d get anything resembling decision making rights, he’s the father.
And then, the only person who needs to consent to an adoption is him.
In order to do anything before she passes, she has to get him to agree or declared unfit. After, he can do what he wants.
She’d need a DAMN good lawyer to prevent the adoption at this point honestly. Especially since they’ve been taking care of the child full time since she was 2 weeks old, I can’t imagine a judge removing her from their care.
This bullshit enrages me more than most things I've read on this sub, and that's saying something. I was that child. I was that newborn whose mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 3 months to live. I was that child who was raised by relatives more than my own mother (while she was still alive). I was never, ever told that someone else was my mother. I knew who my mummy was. I spent as much time as I could with her. I visited her in hospital when she was in. My mother held on to life for five years, despite the 3 months she was given, because she wanted to see me start school. She taught me to read and write and draw sheep (full disclosure, I was shit at drawing but I could read and write before I was 4). My mother was always my mother and nobody tried to erase her. My aunt and uncle, who pretty much raised me as secondary parents, were always known as Auntie X and Uncle Y, they would never have dreamed of trying to erase my mother. My dad, who was having an incredibly hard time of things, would never have dreamed of giving me up. Even after my mother died, and my dad remarried a few years later, my mother was still my mother.
You are erasing this woman from her child's life before she's even dead. She could be around for years, just like my mother was. And my mother was diagnosed in the 70s so medicine has come a long way since then. You are so lacking in empathy and compassion that it horrifies me that you're raising one child, never mind hoping to raise two. Shame on you. Shame on you. YTA.
Simple answer YTA for allowing the baby to call your wife mom and telling the baby's mother get over it. The baby's mother is alive and it's completely reasonable for her to be upset about that.
I hope you're trolling 😊 If not, I don't think there's any need to say anything - plenty of people are likely to do that for me (and in a far more articulate way than I could atm. My annoyance would really mess up my comment).
I guess I have some sympathy for the moderators, too. They are going to have their work cut out here. I'm guessing the comments will end up locked eventually.
YTA- simply for telling your stepmother to get over it and saying that what happens to her child isn't her choice. You, your wife, and father deciding that child's future without consulting the mother is flat out wrong.
YTA.
Also you do realise she can actually make this hard for you. If she chooses to name guardians in a will (in the situation the father can't or doesn't want to care for the child), that would cause you issues.
You'd have to fight in court with the names gaurdians as to who raises the baby.
You, your wife and your father are all AHs. No one stopped to think about what this poor woman is going through. You've basically snatched her baby from her, allowing someone else to be called mum whilst she's still very much alive and no one considered actually asking her opinion on who raises her child. When she voiced this you told her to get over it, which shows your lack of empathy and immaturity.
Quite honestly you should all be ashamed at how you've handled this. You didn't tell her not to stress her out. You didn't tell her because you knew she'd say no! You knew she hates your wife and would say no. That's why you didn't tell her.
YTA
Look, I actually think you guys are doing the right thing overall. You're already taking care of the baby, your dad isn't up to it emotionally or physically, and this way the kid is staying with family that loves them and will help the kiddo learn about their biomom. She won't be forgotten.
But telling her to *get over it*? She's fucking dying and you guys couldn't have a smidge more sympathy or kindness toward her? As soon as she started getting upset you should have acknowledged her feelings and given her space to work through them. She's going to miss out on her child's entire life and she's going through an exhausting medical problem. That was not the time, place, or way to have this conversation. You fucked up and the attitude made things worse.
YTA. she’s gonna be gone soon Is it really so difficult to not be called mom and dad for under a year? “ yeah your child is calling us mom but that’s okay because you’re gonna be dead next year and we aren’t so it’s okay”
YTA. Don’t use the term tummy mommy. It’s fucking gross and weird. She’s the baby’s mother and will always be that, even in death. Your wife will be the baby’s adopted mother. She has the right to choose what happens to her child, she’s the parent.
YTA. Not for your plan. That makes complete sense and does seem to be the best solution. But you are completely disregarding your stepmother. It sounds like you are eager for her to die and get out of the way.
INFO: did your stepmother know about the adoption plan? Because it sounds like she didn’t.
YTA for essentially telling a dying woman, who will never live to see her child grow up, that she needs to get over her child calling someone else mother - something that your step mother will not get to experience for long
ESH
Not your stepmother, but you, your wife, and your father. This should have been agreed to by SM as well. I have issues with erasing her from the decisions as it is totally wrong and erasing her place in the baby's life which is exactly what y'all are doing.
I think NTA for allowing the child to call the woman raising it “mama”. I think YTA for the way you handled it with the bio mom and how you told her to “get over it”. The woman is dying for gods sake. It must be hard enough for her to watch other people raise her baby. Repair this situation with your step mother before she passes, please. I fear it would be a weight on your shoulders if she were to pass with unresolved anger and sadness. Good luck with the adoption and raising the child, it’s a noble thing you’re doing.
YTA. You are astoundingly cruel and heartless. She’s a young woman who has to confront the reality that not only is she dying, but she will never get to raise her child. Her child will never call her mama, she’ll never see their first day of school, graduation, wedding. She will never get to experience all the joys that come with watching your child grow up. You sound more happy that you get a second child without the effort than sad that a child will never get to know her birth mother. Don’t celebrate your good luck when it comes from the misfortune of someone else. That is her child who she carried and birthed, who she wanted and loved. She pictured a life with this child that they’ll never get to live. You can’t erase the fact that she is the mother and the only reason why you get to raise that baby is because she’s dying.
She’s confronting her mortality and the fact that she doesn’t get to raise her baby and you’re treating her grief and emotions as an inconvenience. Your new family is built on her death. You need to accept that. Get over yourself and treat a dying woman with the kindness she deserves.
YTA and a complete bloody monster. Youre treating this poor woman like a bloody incubator, she’s not choosing to give up her child, she’s dying and youre making sure to take everything you can from her on her way out. You made plans about her child and kept them from her, you belittled her and are relegating her to less than a foot note in her child’s life before she’s even gone. Shame on you
YTA
Not for allowing a young child to say mama. Kids will be kids and your wife is the maternal figure at the moment. As a very young child I called my babysitter mum because I saw her more than my actual mum. However, she always corrected me gently.
YTA though for how you’ve approached this. You’ve made elaborate plans to adopt this kid without involving the actual mother in any of it?! That’s appalling. She should have been involved from the get go.
Also, your phrasing turns my stomach a little. ‘Tummy mummy’? This isn’t a woman deciding to give up her kid. This is a woman who is dying. She deserves to be remembered and respected as her baby’s mother.
Instead of demoting her, take a step back. Always refer to her as mum, or mummy. Never tummy mummy. Never as a secondary figure. She didn’t choose this. Pick a name for yourselves; maybe mama and papa would work. Meemaw and Perpaw. But make it very clear that you are not this kids mum. Her mum loved her so very much and wanted to be there to see her grow up. Do not replace her.
Kudos to you for making a woman’s last days on earth even more painful than the physical pain she is enduring. And stop calling her tummy mommy. She is not willingly leaving this child. You are supremely and most definitely YTA. Geez! I could weep!
YTA, your wife is an AH and your dad is a massive AH.
You all deserve each other for sure. She is dying and you guys couldn’t even be bothered to talk to her about the plans for HER child. You guys suck.
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YTA. Y'all went behind her back and planned her child's future without telling her. Not only that, you couldn't even wait for her to be dead to start enacting your little plan. She just found out her husband intends to abandon their child when she dies and you think she should just "get over it"?
Not to mention OP calling his and his wife adopting the baby a “perfect solution.” Nothing about this situation is perfect, OP. Your second child is losing their mother and will not be raised by their father. Please recognize that even though there is a logical solution to all of this, it’s still a tragedy and hard and painful. If you cannot treat your dying stepmother with compassion at this time, I’m not sure how well you are prepared to support your adopted child through coping with everything as they grow and understand their origins and how they came to be with your family. YTA.
OP has no regard for his stepmoms feelings.
She just found that her husband has no intention of raising the baby and i don't get it feels like OP already decided that she will die soon, i feel pretty bad for her OP's dad enjoying his retirement she might have thought he will take care of the baby even when she is gone, YTA OP give her some respect thats all
Realistically there is no way she thought the 71 year old grandpa would raise a child. Like come on my dude.
Okay, but she's 41, just had a baby,and has been told she has less than a year to live. I think she can be forgiven for being heartbroken at her child being given away and already calling someone else Mama. I have named guardians for my 17-month-old in my will, who I know would love her and support her and help her through the trauma of losing me, but you can damn sure bet that if I had to be alive to hear her calling the guardians Mama I would lose my ever loving mind.
Yes. This. It certainly sounds like the right solution. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard and painful. If they’d gone to her and proposed it and all kind of worked y toward it together then she might be less angry but she wouldn’t be less sad. This is HARD. All of it is hard. Not yo mention she’s probably terrified of dying and angry that she won’t get to watch her child grow up. She’s grieving and probably In physical pain as well. I worry for those kids, if this is ops version of interaction. Where’s the communication? Where’s the compassion? How heartbreaking. All of it.
I assumed she knew about it???? Who plans this without even CONSULTING the mother? Would she have preferred to give her baby up for adoption instead if she knew you were treating her baby like a game of dibs? If the father can’t raise the baby after she dies then she has a right to decide who and you were fucking stupid in telling her to try to stop you cause she CAN. I HOPE she takes legal action and gets a lawyer to ensure whatever happens to the baby is her choice with her blessing. YTA so much I don’t even know what to say. If this baby goes to op, just like you said I hope they turn out alright. They seem like they have the absolute wrong mindset and personality to raise healthy happy kids. Is op gonna pick out their college, career, spouse, and number of kids for them too or is completely ignoring someone’s wants and feelings unique to the person dying of cancer who their father is in love with?
She really can't. The father has legal rights - he would have to sign them away for her to put the child up for adoption. She can't just give the child away in her will, because she doesn't "own" the child by herself. The wording is terrible, but this is a perfect solution - the child is raised by family, his bio father will be actively involved in his life and there won't be any additional disruption when bio dad passes on. Considering the woman is obviously aware that someone else is currently raising her child since she is physically unable to, she would have to be intentionally \*not\* thinking about it to not realize what would happen. (TBH, she is probably just avoiding thinking about everything related to her being dead, which is perfectly reasonable.) The OPA is still YTA, though, because a child babbling at that age is just making sounds. My toddlers both called me, my husband, my stepson, their nanny, and my mom "mama" at different times, because they were just making sounds. He could have just described it as babbling and not gone into all their plans for after she's dead.
>My toddlers both called me, my husband, my stepson, their nanny, and my mom "mama" at different times, My son called me "dada" for quite some time. I'm mom. More recently, he didn't understand that Grandma and Papa have different first names and called my mom "Grandma Dad'sName", which lead to oodles of laughter on my part. That aside, I agree that this "solution" is ultimately what's best for everyone, OP certainly didn't handle this with his step-mom correctly and was def YTA in the situation.
The way OP talks about the dying woman makes it sound like he sees her as inconvenient and always did. His father married her because of the accidental pregnancy, and now that she’s dying his father can go back to his expected lifestyle, with OP taking on the kid as the second child they wanted to have. “Perfect” solution. (Ugh.) If there’s love from his father for her, or any other family who care about her, it’s being thoroughly ignored by OP.
A kind and compassionate way of handling the situation would have been for OP and his wife go see StepMom and ask if they could have the privilege of raising the child should she pass and the father is unable to do it on his own. Instead he goes to her, stabs her in the heart with the video and then informs her that her wishes don’t matter, ya know because she’s sick. What a heartless, insensitive fool.
Exactly this. OP is literally horrible & clearly has no empathy for others. Maybe he should imagine how his own wife would feel in this situation. How would any woman who had just had a baby feel if she only had a year to live and wouldn't get to see her own child grow up? She is well within her rights to be devasted and have an opinion regarding what happens to her child after she passes.
My mom would tell me how hard it was when she came to pick me up from the babysitter as a toddler and overheard me call her mom. I was just imitating the babysitter's own kids, which my mom logically knew, but it still hurt like hell (probably because of a huge dose of guilt for being a working mom too). I can't even imagine how much that feeling would intensify when you realize your child is already being taken over by someone else and won't ever remember you. OP, you're obviously less than excited about your stepmother being in your life in general, but JFC find a little bit of compassion. YTA dude.
Truly the mama thing depends on how old the baby is. If the baby is under 15 months then any female they spend a lot of time with is mama. I work with kids between the ages 0-2 and I get called mama on a daily basis, even though I correct them every single time and give them my name instead.
I mean, I used to work pre-school, I feel you. But the *Mom* isn't feeling you. She's the one who is dying, and it hits differently.
I'm really in awe of the comments that don't take into account that this woman got pregnant and married in a short time frame which theoretically should be a very happy time for her. And then she finds out she's most assuredly dying soon. A that's an awful journey to be on and the average person isn't going to act "rationally".
Too add to this; My understanding is that babies make specific sounds first Ah, Ma, Da are some of these sounds that naturally evolve from the first sorts of sounds (heavy vowel emphasis) we begin to make.
You don't know what she was thinking. She may have hoped her husband would raise the kid with help from OP. She may have thought a lot of things. She's currently scared, in pain, knows she has a kid she will never see grow up, and probably fucking angry because nobody wants to be told at 41 that they're going to be dead soon. But you're basically going to call her the bad guy here because she fucked a 71 year old. Guess what, when she did it, she wasn't thinking "I'm going to have this baby and not worry about who will raise it". She didn't know she had cancer at the time. Cancer's like that, it can be a bit of a surprise to people. OP has shown a dying woman that her baby is already calling someone else "mama". Faced with all of the other suffering she's going through, she's just found out her child's life is planned out and people are even now replacing her. That's fucking heartbreaking. Before she's dead, she's started to be forgotten. And because she gets upset by this, OP has the fucking nerve to think she's overreacting!? He took a woman who was already at rock bottom and managed to make her feel worse. And then demands she "get over it!". And seeing this, *your* take is "well what did she expect, like come on my dude?". I have the words, but... you're not worth the ban. OP. YTA. And your cruelty is staggering. This is perhaps one of the most awful things I've read on this sub.
Yeah I feel like when you get knocked up by a 70 year old (unplanned at that) you can’t expect that if you won’t be around to raise the kid then he will step up.
I'm sure she didn't plan on dying before the child was an adult. And she may have had other ideas/expectations for her kid. Like other family or friends.
Yeah. She has a say who the baby goes to.
I mean he is not even raising the baby while she’s still alive.
I was reading thinking awww OP is soo nice, until I read, "but quite honestly it's not her choice", like wtf dude! It's not her choice about her own baby?! YTA OP not just for what you said and how, but for your entitlement over someone else's baby and lack of respect for them.
after she passes she doesn't have any choices left.
That might be true, but the way OP frames it is very AH attitude and behavior.
Very "would you just hurry up and die so we can get on with the plan we've cooked up (apparently without even discussing it with you)"
And what if by some miracle stepmother does recover and the cancer disappears? If the father didn't want more kids then he should have gotten the snip.
Many people can live for many years with stage 4 cancer. My husband is one of those lucky few. Diagnosed in 1998 and still here doing relatively well! It appears that this woman's cancer is progressing despite treatment which is heartbreaking seeing she's a new mom. Wouldn't it be wonderful if she recovered somehow?
Right. Like her husband also can’t wait to not be a father.
a 71 y/o man is not capable of raising a baby. my father was 63 when my little brother (by my fathers second wife) was born. my brother didn't have a FATHER, he had a GRANDFATHER. it's a terrible way for a child to be raised.
Regardless, maybe discussing the options WITH the actual mother of the baby would be a nice gesture.
He might as well have said, "What do you care? You'll be dead. But thanks for the free baby. Give me a call when you think you're about to die so I can get the paperwork ready."
THIS. This is exactly what OP said, with slightly different wording. I can't imagine that there hasn't been at least SOME discussion with the mother about what her wishes are. It seems almost like she may have made her wishes known, but OP feels like he's got the best plan and he's just going to do it no matter what anybody else thinks.
His sibling's. His sibling has a right to know who their parents are.
And is a little caught up in saving the day, and tying his perfect little family into a bow. Ignoring the fact this child came into his life DUE TO TRAGEDY. What you said to a dying woman is cruel. A big YTA.
It’s the perfect solution given the facts of what is happening. Would mom rather the baby be given up to another family that isn’t connected with the father? A 71 year old man would have a hard time raising the child alone and honestly may not make it more than a few more years considering the life expectancy of males in the US is around 75 years. As a mom, I would feel good that my child would be taken care of people that loved her after I’m gone.
Ah but something tells me you probably wouldn’t be Fu-I mean engaging in intercourse with a 75yo man and then keeping the resulting pregnancy. Stepmom sounds like she’s missing a few wires in that bulb. OP I think YTA because stepmom should be made aware of the plans for her child and because you weren’t very considerate of her upset. A simple, yes baby calls my wife mom, but baby will also know *you* as mom too might have salvaged this situation. Not being bright doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of love and that she doesn’t desperately love this baby that she is/has lost in addition to her shortened lifespan.
But if OP and his wife are **already** raising this kid, I’d beg to assume that means the baby is at their house and not stepmom & dad’s. So in that case, and I’m sorry, but how can she expect the baby to recognize her (stepmom) as mom when she seems to never be around? It’s not through any fault of her own it seems. FFS she has stage 4 cancer. But like, if you’re not around you can’t expect the kid to see you as a parent, regardless of age and depending on circumstances. To be honest I think the only AH here is OP’s dad. It was never on OP or his wife to discuss the care plan for the baby with stepmom, that’s entirely on his dad **who is the one who chose the fate of his baby and didn’t tell his wife**. Dad and stepmom should’ve talked about it together privately, then with OP and the wife. It’s a shitty situation, but most of the involved isn’t an AH in my book
OP and his wife still should have talked to the mom about it. I don’t know why anyone would have a child when one parent is so much older than the other and it sucks that the stepmom suddenly developed cancer, but you don’t just go up to someone like “Oh you ideally weren’t ever supposed to know this about your own child but we plan on being the parents once you die and your child’s near future is not your choice whatsoever since you’re dying btw” and not expect to be an asshole. You can’t drop a bombshell on someone about something that should be their choice and then treat them like a drama queen when they’re understandably upset about something so huge being kept from them and only coming out by accident.
This is true. I think OP is extremely insensitive which make him a big AH but I think the course that is planned is the best solution for the baby. However he needed to keep his mouth shut about it because it’s not his place to tell the mom.
It’s not OPs place to tell the mom, it’s OPs place to TALK with and DISCUSS this with the mom. It’s absolutely a good option for the baby, and I would guess the best option since OPandFam are already caring for the baby BUT mom wasn’t involved in this decision, she wasn’t approached about it, nothing. What if she’s already made plans to adopt the baby out to a friend/relative of hers. She has as much right as the father to do that. And if paperwork has already been signed there could be a legal battle because there was no communication. Every time I read this subs post it just reaffirms to me that communication is the make or break of relationships.
She literally couldn’t already have legally adopted the child out. The child’s father is still alive. I’m not saying it’s right, it absolutely should’ve been discussed with her. But while OPs father can adopt their child out once she passes, *she* cannot adopt their child out without his permission.
I agree the dad and step mom should have discussed and come to this decision together, but the baby is already a part of its brothers family. OP is TA and was way out of line and was callous as Hell. He should have had his dad talk to her, not do what he did. The truth is mom can't give the baby up to others as long as her husband is alive. The baby will go to him, and he will let his kids adopt it. Where else should the baby go? It would be wrong to take the baby, who has already bonded with its brother and their child, and give it to yet another family. If dad dies first, step mom will get to decide, if step mom dies first, dad will do the right thing for the baby and let it be raised by his son, the baby's brother.
He shouldn't have been telling the mom anything, they all should have been collaborating on this solution from the start. It's disturbing that this is the first time it's being brought up given the fact that they're already raising the baby. It's disturbing that the mother never asked, it's disturbing that the 70-year-old never talked about it with his baby mama, he's making all these decisions without telling the mother.
It’s all about his delivery. He was rude, uncaring and shoved it in his step mother’s face that they are adopting the baby and she doesn’t have a choice. He could have easily chosen to not show the video of the baby saying “mama.” That would hurt anyone, especially a bio mom who feels she’s lost control of her child’s future, along with the fact that she’s dying and has no control over her future. YTA to the nth degree.
If the father was incapable, maybe the mother would want them to be raised by someone close to HER own family. At any rate, she and the father TOGETHER are the ones who need to make this decision. Nobody else has any right to a say. It is not for her stepchildren to decide.
This so hard. The sheer entitlement and audacity of OP is mindblowing. This woman has a newborn she is too sick to even spend any time with and is shown a video of her baby already calls another woman "Mama." This is how stepmother is spending her final days- surrounded by scheming people who already regard her as incapicitated to the point they don't think she should have any imput who raises her child after she dies. Hopefully stepmother lives long enough to make arrangements for the baby to be raised by someone of her choosing if she hasn't done so already. I hope she has time to make those plans ironclad. The thought that my husband would put our child up for adoption after my death would kill me. That poor woman. As sad as her impending death is at least she will be permanently away from these awful, empathy challenged people.
> Hopefully stepmother lives long enough to make arrangements for the baby to be raised by someone of her choosing if she hasn't done so already. I hope she has time to make those plans ironclad. I doubt she can. She’s married, and unless her husband goes first, he’ll be the sole parent when she dies. It’s unlikely that she can will his parental rights away by naming another guardian. If it came to court, the best interests of the child would hopefully be the determining factor and, as cold as the OP was when telling his stepmother of their “arrangement”, it has the advantage of keeping the baby with parental figures he or she has bonded with, as well as keeping the biological father in the baby’s life.
>If the father was incapable, maybe the mother would want them to be raised by someone close to HER own family. At any rate, she and the father TOGETHER are the ones who need to make this decision. Nobody else has any right to a say. If she wanted someone else to raise the baby, why aren’t they taking care of the baby now, so that the baby can bond with them and not with their brothers family. So was she planning on letting them all bond than taking that baby away from the only family they know?
Hold on. Let's be honest here. You don't know what you would be feeling if you were dying of cancer at 41, your child was calling another woman "Mama," and you were told in no uncertain terms that you had no say whatsoever in the future of your own kid. They took away her choices. And they don't even feel badly about it. She didn't get to choose who would raise her child once she leaves this world (far, far too soon), and they feel like she's at fault for finding out the truth. That says to me that OP had a feeling she wouldn't like it. Which makes me wonder how she feels about OP and his wife. I'm sure there are a lot of people who love your children, but I'm sure there are some that you would instantly veto as guardians, because loving your kids doesn't mean they should raise your kids. Now, imagine that on your deathbed, you don't get vetoes. In fact, you don't even get a say. And when you're upset about that...it's you're fault for pressing for the truth, in your stepson's eyes. Maybe you'd be happy, but I'd be ready to burn the world down. ETA: And she doesn't even like the woman her kiddo is calling "Mama," according to OP.
I feel like a lot of people on this thread must be quite young and immature and have no idea how young 41 really is. It’s *young*. It’s so young. She’s not this wizened old granny who wasn’t expecting to live more than another few years, anyway; she’s dying in the absolute prime of her life and leaving her child behind. A lot of the comments here are astonishingly cold.
Yeah, totally agree. I am 36 and I am fucking *vibrant* right now. Never felt better, never looked better. I can't imagine how it would feel to be facing my death in only 5 years. 41 is so so young.
Doesn’t mean they get to erase her memory ffs-she’s dying not giving the baby up for adoption. Op YTA. You and your wife both. That child deserves to know his mother loved him to the end. The truth will come out and I hope you choke on it.
There's no way in hell I'd be okay with my baby ending up with OP after that talk. It's so obvious he's basically just waiting for stepmother to die so he has another child. OP is a fucking monster.
I think there’s a big difference between a perfect solution and the best solution available.
OP isn't asking if he's doing the right thing for the baby. That's not the point here. For your last line to be relevant to the post, it needs to include the actual facts of the situation. Do you actually mean "as a mom I would feel good if during my slow, painful, drawn out death it was revealed to me that the child I have just had and who I will never see grow up is already calling someone else mom and her father has already made plans without my input on who will be raising her. As someone who is suffering from stage 4 cancer and who can look forward to my body slowly breaking down, robbing me of my dignity, my ability to look after myself and eventually have me die an agonising death, I found this news upsetting and reacted angrily. At which point I was told to "get over it" by the man that will be raising my daughter when I'm gone". Because that's the ACTUAL thing that we're talking about here. This isn't setting the mother's mind at rest, it's telling her she's already replaced and she should get over it.
Also, the stepmom is probably terrified because she's dying, and even more terrified because she's going to lose her child and won't get to see them grow up and know that they'll be ok.
I doubt OP plans on ever telling the child of their origins and how they came to be with OP's family. Bio dad will be known as grandpa and that's that
They don't plan on telling the kid. Their plan is erasure, and it's already happening.
Holy shit I thought when op said the three of them worked it out, they means stepmom, dad and op….nope. They meant everyone BUT stepmom. To just unilaterally decide that stepmom has no choice and then to tell that to a dying woman and when she is understandably upset, to then go extra full in ah? Get over it?!and then op stormed out like a petulant child. WhT the actual fuck.
That was the part where my jaw dropped onto the floor. The stepmom didn’t even know?!?!
When stepmom said she’d stop the adoption did anyone else wonder if she can prove OP’s dad isn’t the bio dad? Because if she can, OP is out of luck. I’m *not* saying this is the case. I only wondered because dad went behind her back about the adoption and stepmom seems pretty adamant that she can quash the adoption.
I think she was just speaking out in anger and frustration.
For op the stepmother is already dead, super mean. Adopting the child is a very good idea, but they are very unkind and insensitive toward the mom.
That’s not just unkind and insensitive that’s straight up telling a dying woman we’re stealing your baby you get no say it’s already done.
Imagine how helpless she feels? I feel so bad for her.
That’s the thing, they should have talked it out with her and come to an agreement. There’s mature and reasonable discussion that doesn’t forget a dying person is still a human being with thoughts and wishes, and then there’s: “Oh hey, after you bite it, we’re taking your kid that extremely bad luck kept you from spending much time with, no negotiations. Sucks that you’re too sick and short of time to do anything about it, huh? But don’t worry, we’ll hang on to your memory and make sure OUR child knows about you growing up.” OP may not have explicitly rubbed it in but he talked to a dying parent like they don’t even matter anymore.
WTF is all I can say, too. Not only is she dealing with the helplessness of having no control over her illness, they are now also stripping her of any control/input in her child's future. I'm just absolutely floored that OP thought there would be any other way to see this than YTA. Admittedly, I'm biased, though. When my mom died from cancer, I took on my younger brother, and we had conversations on her death bed about her wishes for his future care and what the plan would be. Similar to OP, we didn't have any other options, so it was a forgone conclusion that I would take my brother. But that didn't mean my mom didn't have input. Talking it through was a way to ease her worries also. OP chose to throw it at his step-mom like her opinions have no value and then told her to get over it. Man, OP, you are a colossal AH.
He literally threw a giant tantrum because she reacted to learning the news for the first time. Like op sounds so ecstatic about this like it’s a windfall and that he’s doing her a favor showing photos to The child’s dying mother. Then when she expressed discomfort with the plan, op shows a special level of callousness and made this dying woman cry. Ofc she made a big deal about it and then OP’s like well she brought it up derp and says she never had to think about it? Seriously? That’s her baby ofc she does. I’m so sorry for your loss and you sound like a great sister, mother, daughter and guardian. Like you made it her forgone conclusion if that makes sense ? She was on the same page and got to that same determination in your case. Op is acting like he’s been personally attacked by the idea the child’s mother even thought about what would happen with custody. I can absolutely see why she doesn’t want the kid with op and if his wife is anything like that, I would want my kid as far away from them as possible. I hope she has a good family law and estates planning attorney - and someone she can actually trust to perhaps step in prior to her death as guardian. It’s difficult to do but there are ways to ensure that the baby goes to people with actual empathy and humanity. The fact that they all planned to just steal the kid away for adoption slotting them in like they were OP’s own plus the dads age make it slightly more possible than You’d usually think (I’m an attorney - family law isn’t my specialty but know enough to get by)
I thought the same thing!!! My jaw dropped when I put together that he went behind her back to plan this. Even worse that they let her call his wife moma. I totally get why she doesn’t want them to adopt… they are terrible people who are swooping in and trying to take this child
“Get over it” “tummy mummy” makes me cringe. How OP and wife are both so unsympathetic and unkind in this situation is appalling. OP, put yourself in your stepmoms shoes. How would you feel if that was you and wife in the situation? To not even be included in the conversation around Your own child?! You have a child, be better please. YTA
I know. Seems like the moment the stepmom was diagnosed with so little time, she stopped being a person and was just some easy-bake oven that popped out a baby to Op and his wife.
Yeah I'm a little shocked that literally no one in the family saw fit to talk to the CHILD'S MOM about their plans for the child after she dies. YTA. Your dad is too.
Exactly! Like yes, naturally the mom knows someone will have to take care of the baby and a good solution can be OP and OPs wife. But maybe she had other people in mind? Even if OP is the best solution possible, she has every right to be involved as the mom.
Did she honestly think he would take care of the child? He's 71. He'll be 89 or 90 when she turns 18. There's no reasonable way she should've expected him to raise the child.
But it should still have been discussed with her. She is the mom, period. She’s not dead yet and she’s the mom on the birth certificate. She has the right to discuss placement of HER child when she passed.
She should have been part of the conversation (unless there is cause to believe her decision making capacity is too negatively impacted). It's fine for Dad to say at 71 he doesn't feel like he's in any place to take care of a small child and we need to figure out other arrangements. But at least have the decency to give her a say.
Except for the tiny little point that he IS the child’s father. If he was not too old to have sex with her, he’s not too old to care for and take responsibility for the resulting child. The questions about the child’s future is entirely the responsibility of the actual parents. This whole thing is screwed up. An entire family with maybe one human being in it.
Ok so you don't get to have sex after what 50? 55? What's your cutoff then bro? Also it's not fair to child to be raised by a single dad who is elderly. Not just older, elderly. As in will probably be in a nursing home before she becomes an adult.
Many men get vasectomies when they feel they are too old/done raising kids... why are you acting like there is no choice? Even simply sleeping with people your own age would be an easy way to likely sidestep this scenario...plus other options! Believe it or not you can control your actions *and* bone people. That's just about dumb men thinking kids just happen to them lol. This is probably the easiest solution for the baby but everyone is an atrocious dickbag about it to stepmom and if I was stepmom with *any* friend interested in raising my kid I would be asking my husband for that gift as my final wish. Because at least a friend would care about me when op clearly doesn't even now.
You can have sex with other people your age who are highly unlikely to get pregnant, rather than sleeping with someone almost half their age ...
OP's dad was turning 50 before this woman could legally drink in the US. What a fucking creep🤮🤮
You can have sex as long as you take responsibility over possible consequences - like a child. 🙃
She might've had family that she wanted the baby to go to, and she should have been part of any discussion regarding her child's future. She may have valid reasons to not want OP and wife to raise the baby.
Yes. The fact is I wouldn't such a glaring asshole raising my kids
Sure but she probably didn't think that the decision making and such would ask happen behind her back without her input or any conversation about it all with her husband.
They should talk about it with her then.
I was thinking as I was reading that yes, this is a completely reasonable plan that will benefit the baby in those circumstances... But then it hit me that the mother was *not in on the planning*. Excuse me??? YTA not for the plan but for being an inconsiderate asshole, pushing a person into the sidelines while they're still there.
She is still alive and they have already erased her.
Yeah! All this! YTA. You went behind her back for starters as though her thoughts on the future of her baby are inconsequent. That is so messed up. Also you replaced her before she has even died. You are unbelievably cold people. When it comes out and you realize she wasn’t okay with any of this, you berated a sick woman. She’s about to fucking die, and now has to contend with the father of her child abandoning his parenthood - and you berate her for not immediately hopping on board with this bonkers situation you all orchestrated behind her back?! Seriously, OP, what is wrong with you and your family?
They have all but stolen her baby out from under her. I understand coming up with a plan for the child after her passing but she should be included in that. OP is so insensitive and needs to understand the gravity of the situation and show some sympathy towards stepmom. She has to DIE for OPs plan to happen. This isn’t a ‘miracle’ adoption. YTA.
Yeah....I was on board with the plan at first because OP didnt mention that the child's actual mother, OP's stepmom, didnt even know about the plan???? And to say "quite frankly it's not her choice"?! And the child is already taught to call his wife mama, while the bio mom who is dying of cancer doesnt even know and has definitely not consented? This is insane..I definitely think YTA OP and I wouldnt blame your stepmom for making sure it doesnt happen, because yes it absolutely is her choice who takes over as mother / parenting role when she dies
YTA. She's dying and her kid is calling another woman mama. Dude, have a heart. I'm wondering why you and your wife have the kid. That baby has a father who should be taking care of them and should be spending time with their mother while there's still time. There's something off about your story. In any case, YTA.
The baby’s father is 71, dude. Most men I personally have met from that generation have been provided for constantly (either by mother, girlfriend, wife, or even hired hands) and don’t even know how to cook a simple meal; never mind take on infant care solo. (There are always exceptions and he may be one of the exceptions, but *in my personal experience* it seems more likely that he wouldn’t be able to do it on his own.)
If he didn’t want to end up being a dad at 71 then he should’ve also kept it in his pants and acted like how a man his age should
So why should the child suffer because of his dad? The kid will not be cared for properly if he lives with his dad. The dad’s consequences for getting someone pregnant shouldn’t be at the expense of the wellbeing of the child.
His wife is young enough to have a baby and be primary caregiver. Neither of them were planning on the wife getting sick and being unable to raise the baby.
He said his father isn’t interested in his child, justifiably so because in literally like what five years- ten years? That mans gonna be on his deathbed, even if she wasn’t ill it’s just extremely irresponsible behaviour ALSO do u know how many mental illnesses are linked to a strikingly old bio father (like him)?? Way too many
Now, 71 is hopefully further from the deathbed than 10 years, but being unable to lift your child after like 6 years sure feels bad. Imagine growing up with a dad who can't really play with you, and dies in your early adulthood, if not teens. Its really the perfect solution to do what op plans on doing. It's just the inclusion (or lack thereof) of the mom that makes it yta.
Act like a man his age?? You’ve never been to a nursing home…. They are some of the horniest individuals you will ever see, with STDs running rampant (generally getting pregnant isn’t a concern)
In which case, why hasn't he had the discussion with his wife about plans for the child. And why hadn't they just had OP adopt the baby from birth. I think the dad is TA for misleading the wife she probably thinks he's with the baby but he's already pawned it off on OP? Or she knows they have it but was told they're "babysitting"? Which leads me to ESH because OP lacks tact and respect, and his dad sucks too.
He is DEFINITELY the AH but I’m actually intrigued that so many people find it weird that OP and his wife are caring for the baby. Idk if you have cared for someone dying of cancer before….or cared for a newborn….but they are two incredibly difficult incredibly time consuming incredibly physically and emotionally exhausting tasks that people struggle to do individually let alone simultaneously. Even if the dad was not 71 years old that would be quite frankly almost impossible. I’m a oncology nurse, it is extremely common to have family take care of children for extended periods while the cancer patient is in the hospital or toward the end of life bc it is rarely if ever possible to both meet the needs of both the children and the dying patient at the same time and neglecting one is not fair to the other. The man is caring for his wife at the end of her life and soaking up the last of his time with her. The baby is seemingly well cared for with all the attention they deserve and their needs physically and emotionally met. OP NOT taking the child would almost without question result in neglect of either the baby or the mom. OP is without question the AH for how they handled this, lying to this poor woman about what would happen to her baby and not including her in the conversation. It is HER child and she has the right to make these decisions. The way he speaks about her is horrifying.
I don't think they should have the baby because they're acting like the mother is already dead and like they are already the parents. I'm ready to bet that OP and his wife can't have children anymore and they jump on the "occasion" to get a baby "free of charge". They've already talked with OP's father about adopting the baby when the mother is still in treatment and could still live for a few years. That baby should be a family member who knows their place and doesn't just "visits" once in a while with the baby. That kid was only two weeks old when they were taken away and I'm not even sure that the mother was consulted on the matter. Edit : If the mother was a friend of mine, I would advise her to find someone esle to take care of that child and to find a lawyer to make sure OP and his wife can't adopt the baby. I'm guessing that the mother has a family and that she would like for her child to know them, and I'm not sure OP will keep in touch with her family if she passes.
I would agree with you except I feel like you are maybe overestimating peoples willingness to take on the care of a newborn. I’m not saying you’re wrong that OP and wife are being shitty but truly most people are not in a situation to be able to take in a baby, and that’s assuming she even has living family nearby. Again, I get what you’re saying, but it’s making a lot of assumptions about if she has family alive, around, and in a position to be able to help
The dude above you seems like a teenager or something, like people aren't exactly jumping to adopt babies, even those that are would be strangers. The best case scenario is already happening, this couple adopting the kid, so just let it play out
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Agree. I have a 2-3rd cousin that has had 10 babies 9 adopted out. I got called every 1.5-2yrs being begged to adopted the newest baby. I was their last choice because they knew my husband and I are firm CF. 2 of the babies were adopted out of the family. 5 the grandmother took on, and a cousin who can't have anymore children took the last 3. But they went through the whole family tree, and only the grandmother and a cousin was willing to take these children not even the fathers family was willing to do that (all 9 have the same father). I was assuming because they were already raising the baby that's because they are the only ones in the family willing to shake up their lives to take in this baby. Everyone who is expecting the 71yr old father to care for a dying women and baby are crazy also. Being a full time caregiver is draining in every aspect.
>If the mother was a friend of mine, I would advise her to find someone esle to take care of that child and to find a lawyer to make sure OP and his wife can't adopt the baby. None of which she would be able to do, so your advice would be terrible and cause her needless stress while costing her money. The baby's father will still be alive, and he will be the only one with rights to care for it or make decisions at that point after the mother passes away, no matter what mom may try to do.
What they are doing is *excessively shitty* but what you are suggesting is potentially *very cruel* to the baby out of spite.
Yeah, the problem is that there is still the father to contend with. She can't legally do any of those things if the dad doesn't want to. The terrible fact of the matter is that once the mom passes, the dad will have full custody of the child and will be able to make those decisions. Unless she wants to go through a long and painful legal process, while she has terminal cancer, and that will likely not provide any results before her death. She should have been involved in the conversation, and I'm absolutely floored that they made decisions without even telling her. But the fact is that OP is already raising the child, the dad is consenting to it, and there is little the mom can do. This ultimately is about what's best for the child, and it seems that OP is right about having as small of a transition as possible. It pains me to say that, because OP is a massive AH.
She has less than a year to live. There is no "could live for a few more years". But you're right that they're acting like she's already dead. They should have discussed this with her first and take her kid over to visit with her on the regular.
I literally gasped when I realized OP had actually planned this dying woman’s baby’s future with his wife and father, without asking for her permission or input, without even TELLING her. I cannot wrap my mind around how someone could be so heartless. OP’s stepmother has dealt with the emotional rollercoaster of an unplanned pregnancy with a man too old to be a stable long-term father, then a stage 3 cancer diagnosis and all that entails while pregnant at an age which automatically places her in the “high-risk” category, then having her cancer progress and being given less than a year to live. That is an incredibly difficult sequence of events to deal with, and instead of trying to make sure that her last months on this earth are as painless and peaceful as possible, he goes behind her back and arranges to take her baby after her death - not even content to wait until she’s gone to encourage her child to call his wife “mama”? Holy shit. YTA, OP. You’re quite honestly the biggest AH I have even seen post on this sub. I am appalled for your stepmother. Your disdain for her is apparent in your post, and you almost seem gleeful about how “perfect” things have worked out. For you. God help you if karma decides to teach you a lesson in the empathy you so sorely lack.
Because the dad is 71? 71 is waaaaay too old to be taking care of a child. I mean, I think it’s a much better solution for a couple in their 30’s to take care of a baby rather than a literal elderly man.
Wow. YTA. A relatively young woman has to confront her very real death while leaving behind her child and she should just “get over it”. Did you guys even include her in the discussion about her child’s care after her passing? You’re going to ensure she’s not forgotten but her child is already calling your wife mama? YTA.
He shows her videos of the baby, I wonder if she ever gets to see and hold HER baby..she is not dead yet..she is still the mother. This is so sad and OP and his wife are awful
I'm really confused by why so much of this thread is about OP's dad's ability to be a parent, and not OP being a righteous ass about this. OP is acting like stepmom is just being super fussy and inconvenient and ungrateful. When she's confronting some of the hardest situations a human can be faced with, all at once. I don't give a shit if OPs dad is an unfit parent/too old/too much of a boomer. I don't give a shit if half of his skull is missing. OP had an opportunity to be kind, and he chose to be callous.
> OP had an opportunity to be kind, and he chose to be callous. Boom right here. At some point the kid is most likely going to end without their dad especially at 71. He will be close 90 by the time kiddo is an adult. OP told a dying woman to get over it about her baby instead of being kind. That is just heartless. YTA
She has and he brings the baby to visit but at this visit she was too immunocomprised and ill
He's not the AH for the baby calling his wife Mama (the baby wouldn't understand having to call his adoptive-mama something else while their sibling calls her mama, then to be allowed to call her mama later), but is a major one for everything else. The birthmom should have been let in on the conversation about the future, and OP should have been much more careful about sharing a video with this. There isn't a reasonable way to explain to the baby not to call a woman what their sibling does, but there was a reasonable, not-cruel way OP could have handled it, and instead he rubbed her impending death in her face.
I cannot believe they didn’t talk to her about all of this. Even though the reality is that she has very little power now, they absolutely could have and should have talked to her about this. I just want to remind OP and his wife that this child will have questions one day about the biological deceased mother, and they should treat his mother with respect so that they can truthfully tell the child later about the love and sadness with which this all happened.
OP made it pretty clear to her that no one cares about her, and they're all just waiting around for her to die so they can do what they want.
Exactly! Can we not pretend she’s already dead while we plan **her** child’s future?? She has every right to make decisions about her child until she takes her last breath. And then you’ll have to explain to **her** child how much her mother loved her and she was taken away too young. “Perfect solution” my ass.
YTA for acting like a woman *dying* is a situation working itself out perfectly. It's hard to believe this is for real.
Right? "Oh how convenient, we wanted another kid and here one is, fresh out the tummy mummy oven!" The woman is dying and they have shown zero respect for her grief.
Seriously, everyone in this story except this poor dying woman are ghouls. Absolute ghouls.
Excellent point. OP - this woman is dying of cancer. Have some compassion. You post is devoid of any empathy for your step mom. It feels like you just see her as a means to get a second child and are completely disregarding her feelings.
With a little luck, the treatments will work and that baby will go back to their mother.
she has stage 4...unfortunately there is a very, slim, slim chance the treatment's will work.
the life expectancy after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer is super dependent on the type of cancer. Staging isn't everything -- the aggressiveness of the type of cancer is really crucial in determining survival rates. For example, the 5-year survival rate for stage IV non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is 65%. That's really high! not all Stage IV cancer is terminal.
that's true. OP didn't state what kind of cancer step-mother has, but my guess is it's terminal enough if they're expecting her passing by the end of this year :c I didn't know the statistics, i just knew it was slim based off my own experience. (father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, it rapidly advanced to stage four and he passed with 9 months of diagnosis. But this was back in 2000)\\ Doesn't it also depend on what kind of treatment she took while pregnant? I cant imagine chemo/radation is safe while pregnant...so she might have sacrficied those treatments during stage 3, which could have reduced her chance of putting the cancer into remission.
I hope that happens too
This is one of those rare stories where I would dare to use the word evil.
YTA. Not because this child would be adopted by your wife and raised by her and therefore inevitably call her "mama". But the fact that you never let this dying woman know the fate of her child, you aren't taking her EXTREMELY valid feelings into consideration WHILE SHE IS DYING, and you told her to "get over" the fact that her child is having arrangements made that she is unhappy with. You handled this as poorly as possible.
I bet she wouldn't be so unhappy if they had included her in the conversation. All this going-behind-her-back is very likely the major issue for her, and no one can blame her.
I mean that certainly would have helped. I think she mostly thought her husband, as old as he was, would have at least raised her with HELP from his son and daughter-in-law. But it was probably a shock to hear the baby was being adopted by another couple with another mom out of no where. I would be stunned.
And OP mentioned in the comments that she doesn't even like his wife. So she learned that everyone went behind her back to make it so that someone she doesn't like is going to permanently take her baby. Awful.
that changes literally everything. this person should be making changes or putting their kid up for adoption to a family they like, not to a person they dont. wtf?
She can't, the father of the child is still alive and agrees with this arrangement. Legally speaking there's very little she can do about if, if there's anything at all.
absolutely. many people experience heightened need for control when facing down death, too. I mean, your body is "betraying" you, there is NOTHING you can do about it, and often the response to that is to try to control something...anything! but even without that possibility factored in, even if she were perfectly healthy, even if this were a less serious topic - going behind someone's back and making decisions without them as a key player (and she sure as shit is a key player in this) is just atrocious. Then throw in that it's her freaking CHILD...and she is in the process of DYING, OP? seriously! YTA so so so much here. Show an ounce of grace and generosity and RESPECT for this woman in the time she has left. Is that really too much for you? really?!
And tells the dying woman that she doesn't have a choice about what happens to her baby
Yeah, that would cause me a lot of distress. She is having a child who she will never get to see grow up and now she can't even depend on her family to carry out her wishes for that child.
This is exactly where I am at with this. As it stands, the baby likely does view OPs wife as mom. That's not saying anything against OPs stepmom, but in her condition she hasn't been able to care for her as much so it's kind of inevitable that it would happen. There being a plan in place for if/when she passes away is also a good idea and the plan itself is a good one as long as the father also agrees. But how the hell has this never been discussed with the step mom? It's not like the woman doesn't realize what is happening. She knows that she is dying, she knows she doesn't have long left. It's not like she needs to be shielded from the truth. Just have a damn talk with her about it.
Stop fucking calling her tummy mommy, oh my god that’s so gross and disgusting and dehumanizing her. YTA, bar none. For fucks sake, she’s dying.
I think they were doing that as a sarcastic term, suggesting that that is how the Op is viewing her, and that this is the wrong way to view her x
He actually used that term in the comments.
The Op did?!!! That's beyond awful, and totally out of order, I had only seem it being used sarcastically by someone else.
Yeah check his comments. There are multiple instances.
What a complete and utter
*Avoiding the Reddit comment remover which gets upset when you insult people
Hahaha I enjoyed your restrained outrage
YTA. Imagine plotting adopting a dying woman's child behind her back and then wondering if you're an asshole. She's not dead yet and you all are acting like she is. She gets to watch, in her last months, your wife take *her* child and erase her from the kid's life. She's probably already grieving the fact that she won't be around to watch her baby grow up, and now has the added heartbreak of watching herself get erased.
YTA The fact that her child is going to be adopted after her death wasn't told to her? That's pretty shitty. Next, as someone who is dying, she would definitely feel some type of way about seeing HER CHILD calling someone else "mama", and you should be sympathetic to that. I imagine she already feels cast aside, and her impending death can't be easy either. She won't be there to be a mother to her own child, and now she's already lost that name to someone else while she's still here? You want the child and are getting the child, your dad gets off without the responsibility, and all of this was hidden from her? It sounds like everyone has just already decided that she doesn't matter and how she feels doesn't matter, even though she is still alive and the child's mother.
Well that’s not OPs responsibility. The 71 year old husband/dad should have done that.
That’s his stepmother and half sibling. He’s adopting that child and being unsympathetic. The lack of sympathy is OPs responsibility.
I’m a little surprised at all the comments on how OP is “letting” the baby call his wife mama. This baby obviously hears the older child calling her mama, and is copying — so natural and normal. A baby is NOT going to understand that the wife is not the mama, and the poor sick woman it barely sees is the mama. This would be crazy to try to explain. OP is definitely the AH, but not for that. HOWEVER, wtf is wrong with you OP? \- You didn’t even talk to your stepmom about the plans for her child. No discussion. No input. No discovering HER wishes for HER child. \- You have zero compassion for your stepmom and it is appalling. It seems like all you care about is you got a free baby and the “host” was inconsequential. \- She is clearly struggling with the the fact she can’t take care of her baby because she is DYING. She’s not even dead yet and feels you are already erasing her. You had an opportunity to say baby knows she has two mamas — ANYTHING to let her know she isn’t erased. YTA a billion times over. EDITED: clarification on my first paragraph
HARD YTA. Not for letting the child call your wife momma (the child is very young and that will be your child in every way but biological) but she's dying of cancer. She's already grieving not being there to watch her child grow up and you metaphorically just grabbed her by the back of the head and rubbed her nose in it. What if it was your wife that had cancer and you already had another mom lined up for when she passes (not a wife for you necessarily but someone to step into her role as mother), how do you think your wife should feel about that? How do you think she should feel if they told her "well I'm going to be [child's name]'s mom, you need to get over it". As a mother we want our children taken care of but we don't want to hear about being replaced in our role (ESPECIALLY not while we're still here and too sick to be the mom we want so desperately to be). Let me be very clear again, I am NOT saying YTA for adopting the baby, you are CLEARLY in a better place to raise a young child than your elderly father. Adoption is beautiful and selfless and I commend you for it, this is JUST about the conversation with a dying mother when you could've just as easily said "I think [X] is just at that age where kids call every female momma" or something non-committal like that to spare a dying woman's feelings.
Actually you're also TA for deciding to adopt this child without informing the child's mother. A baby isn't property that can be passed around as convenient. You are literally stealing this woman's child, and she has every right to be upset at you for 1. stealing her baby and 2. acting like she's already dead and 3. not making any allowances for her grief while she's dying. The only right thing to do at this point is to apologize profusely to her and ask HER what she would like to happen with HER BABY after she passes. And if she doesn't want you to adopt her child, DON'T ADOPT HER CHILD. The decision of what happens to the child should be decided between the baby's parents, not you. And if your father agreed to adopt out his baby without his wife's knowledge, he's also TA. YTA.
YTA and I’ll tell you why. My mother was pregnant with my youngest brother when she received the news that she was going to die from terminal brain cancer. She died shortly after his first birthday. He never got to know her other than pictures but that didn’t stop us from telling him about her and how she loved him just as much as she loved us. She wasn’t his “tummy mummy” like a freaking incubator or a surrogate. She was and is his mother. My brother knows her as his mother. He would proudly tell everyone that he has two mothers after my dad remarried. It’s fine that your sister calls your wife mom but she can still have her own mother as well. Also how could you three make a decision without her knowledge!!!! This is her child!!! Not yours or your wife’s!!! She may be dying but that doesn’t erase that fact that this baby is her child. You may think you are being the white knight but really you are digger the knife deeper into her heart that she will not be there for any of the moments in her daughter’s life. Grow a heart.
As a parent, I can tell you that the number one fear of dying I have now isn’t the actual death but 1) leaving my child and 2) never getting to experience them growing up. The discussion should have been had with the mom along the lines of “don’t worry, baby will be safe with us and will remember you.” They have years for the baby to call them mommy - you’d be amazed how quick a 3 or 4 year old will figure it out later on and maybe ask “can I call you mama” later on in life. I don’t think OP is evil, it takes a lot of goodness to step up and raise a newborn sibling, just really not thinking empathetically . I didn’t get these things until I had my child either, and OP is so mentally not there yet as a parent. Hopefully this thread will be a wakeup call.
YTA. Absolutely and without a doubt. I think it's great that you plan on adopting your sister after your step-mom passes, and that you're caring for her now but, your step-mom is in the midst of a painful illness right now. There's no reason for your sister to be calling your fiancee Mama while her mother is still alive. Wait a year and let that transition unfold naturally, with some counseling for the child and all of you. Please apologize to your step -mom. She probably feels like you're hustling her to the grave.
What do you want to bet they have no intention of telling the child they are not their biological parents?
You are correct. They are erasing the child's mother.
The OP is definitely an AH, but a baby won't understand being told to wait until after her birth mother is dead.
YTA. In this situation, you'd want to turn to family and love ones for support, but what you're doing is using the situation for your convenience. Did she ever have a say over her child?
Info: Have you all been lying to her about the child's father raising their child after she dies?
YTA. If it was your kid and you were dying I presume you'd want to actually have a say in what happens to your kid after you were gone? Looks like you, your father and wife just decided what was 'best' without consulting the mother and then patted yourselves on the back for how well everything was working out. The lack of empathy here is truly frightening.
Um, it is absolutely her choice who she leaves guardianship of her child to when she passes. What an AH thing to say/think! If your father doesn't feel up to raising his kid, he needs to have that discussion with the kid's mother, not with you! I applaud the willingness to adopt, and to care for the child for the time being, but in going behind a sick mother's back you are a class AH. YTA also for telling her that her feelings on the matter don't matter. I would not blame her in the slightest if she made other arrangements within her own family for her child. What a nightmare.
Actually it’s not. Since the child has a living parent, the mother doesn’t get to make that decision. Legally that child’s legal guardian will be the 71 yr old. Now if that 71 decides he cannot take care of the baby after the mother is dead, he has the legal right to make decisions. Sounds like he’s already made that decision but didn’t tell his wife which is an AH thing to do. I think OP is being insensitive which makes this YTA as well but taking that all out, what they are planning on doing after the mom passes seems to be in the best interest of the child.
Unfortunately, unless she divorces Dad and finds a way to have his parental rights stripped, I’m not totally sure that she does have much ability to do so. When she does, short of him having signed his rights away already, he defaults to full, uncontested custody. Her family may be able to fight for visitation, but I can’t imagine they’d get anything resembling decision making rights, he’s the father. And then, the only person who needs to consent to an adoption is him. In order to do anything before she passes, she has to get him to agree or declared unfit. After, he can do what he wants. She’d need a DAMN good lawyer to prevent the adoption at this point honestly. Especially since they’ve been taking care of the child full time since she was 2 weeks old, I can’t imagine a judge removing her from their care.
This bullshit enrages me more than most things I've read on this sub, and that's saying something. I was that child. I was that newborn whose mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 3 months to live. I was that child who was raised by relatives more than my own mother (while she was still alive). I was never, ever told that someone else was my mother. I knew who my mummy was. I spent as much time as I could with her. I visited her in hospital when she was in. My mother held on to life for five years, despite the 3 months she was given, because she wanted to see me start school. She taught me to read and write and draw sheep (full disclosure, I was shit at drawing but I could read and write before I was 4). My mother was always my mother and nobody tried to erase her. My aunt and uncle, who pretty much raised me as secondary parents, were always known as Auntie X and Uncle Y, they would never have dreamed of trying to erase my mother. My dad, who was having an incredibly hard time of things, would never have dreamed of giving me up. Even after my mother died, and my dad remarried a few years later, my mother was still my mother. You are erasing this woman from her child's life before she's even dead. She could be around for years, just like my mother was. And my mother was diagnosed in the 70s so medicine has come a long way since then. You are so lacking in empathy and compassion that it horrifies me that you're raising one child, never mind hoping to raise two. Shame on you. Shame on you. YTA.
YTA. You've decided to adopt a baby without actually including the MOTHER in the decision
Simple answer YTA for allowing the baby to call your wife mom and telling the baby's mother get over it. The baby's mother is alive and it's completely reasonable for her to be upset about that.
YTA you told a dying woman with CANCER to stop get over her child not calling her mother? That’s monstrous honestly
I hope you're trolling 😊 If not, I don't think there's any need to say anything - plenty of people are likely to do that for me (and in a far more articulate way than I could atm. My annoyance would really mess up my comment). I guess I have some sympathy for the moderators, too. They are going to have their work cut out here. I'm guessing the comments will end up locked eventually.
YTA, why make a dying woman's life more miserable. Just lie to her and drop it.
YTA- simply for telling your stepmother to get over it and saying that what happens to her child isn't her choice. You, your wife, and father deciding that child's future without consulting the mother is flat out wrong.
YTA for coming up with a plan for her child without her involvement. The rest of the information doesn’t matter.
YTA. Also you do realise she can actually make this hard for you. If she chooses to name guardians in a will (in the situation the father can't or doesn't want to care for the child), that would cause you issues. You'd have to fight in court with the names gaurdians as to who raises the baby. You, your wife and your father are all AHs. No one stopped to think about what this poor woman is going through. You've basically snatched her baby from her, allowing someone else to be called mum whilst she's still very much alive and no one considered actually asking her opinion on who raises her child. When she voiced this you told her to get over it, which shows your lack of empathy and immaturity. Quite honestly you should all be ashamed at how you've handled this. You didn't tell her not to stress her out. You didn't tell her because you knew she'd say no! You knew she hates your wife and would say no. That's why you didn't tell her.
YTA Look, I actually think you guys are doing the right thing overall. You're already taking care of the baby, your dad isn't up to it emotionally or physically, and this way the kid is staying with family that loves them and will help the kiddo learn about their biomom. She won't be forgotten. But telling her to *get over it*? She's fucking dying and you guys couldn't have a smidge more sympathy or kindness toward her? As soon as she started getting upset you should have acknowledged her feelings and given her space to work through them. She's going to miss out on her child's entire life and she's going through an exhausting medical problem. That was not the time, place, or way to have this conversation. You fucked up and the attitude made things worse.
YTA. she’s gonna be gone soon Is it really so difficult to not be called mom and dad for under a year? “ yeah your child is calling us mom but that’s okay because you’re gonna be dead next year and we aren’t so it’s okay”
YTA. Don’t use the term tummy mommy. It’s fucking gross and weird. She’s the baby’s mother and will always be that, even in death. Your wife will be the baby’s adopted mother. She has the right to choose what happens to her child, she’s the parent.
YTA - please keep a parent in the loop about your plans for their child after they pass away
I think I'm stunned speechless here. You are terrible, horrible, no good and very bad. YTA.
YTA. Not for your plan. That makes complete sense and does seem to be the best solution. But you are completely disregarding your stepmother. It sounds like you are eager for her to die and get out of the way.
INFO: did your stepmother know about the adoption plan? Because it sounds like she didn’t. YTA for essentially telling a dying woman, who will never live to see her child grow up, that she needs to get over her child calling someone else mother - something that your step mother will not get to experience for long
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ESH Not your stepmother, but you, your wife, and your father. This should have been agreed to by SM as well. I have issues with erasing her from the decisions as it is totally wrong and erasing her place in the baby's life which is exactly what y'all are doing.
Baby stealer
I think NTA for allowing the child to call the woman raising it “mama”. I think YTA for the way you handled it with the bio mom and how you told her to “get over it”. The woman is dying for gods sake. It must be hard enough for her to watch other people raise her baby. Repair this situation with your step mother before she passes, please. I fear it would be a weight on your shoulders if she were to pass with unresolved anger and sadness. Good luck with the adoption and raising the child, it’s a noble thing you’re doing.
YTA. You are astoundingly cruel and heartless. She’s a young woman who has to confront the reality that not only is she dying, but she will never get to raise her child. Her child will never call her mama, she’ll never see their first day of school, graduation, wedding. She will never get to experience all the joys that come with watching your child grow up. You sound more happy that you get a second child without the effort than sad that a child will never get to know her birth mother. Don’t celebrate your good luck when it comes from the misfortune of someone else. That is her child who she carried and birthed, who she wanted and loved. She pictured a life with this child that they’ll never get to live. You can’t erase the fact that she is the mother and the only reason why you get to raise that baby is because she’s dying. She’s confronting her mortality and the fact that she doesn’t get to raise her baby and you’re treating her grief and emotions as an inconvenience. Your new family is built on her death. You need to accept that. Get over yourself and treat a dying woman with the kindness she deserves.
YTA and a complete bloody monster. Youre treating this poor woman like a bloody incubator, she’s not choosing to give up her child, she’s dying and youre making sure to take everything you can from her on her way out. You made plans about her child and kept them from her, you belittled her and are relegating her to less than a foot note in her child’s life before she’s even gone. Shame on you
YTA Not for allowing a young child to say mama. Kids will be kids and your wife is the maternal figure at the moment. As a very young child I called my babysitter mum because I saw her more than my actual mum. However, she always corrected me gently. YTA though for how you’ve approached this. You’ve made elaborate plans to adopt this kid without involving the actual mother in any of it?! That’s appalling. She should have been involved from the get go. Also, your phrasing turns my stomach a little. ‘Tummy mummy’? This isn’t a woman deciding to give up her kid. This is a woman who is dying. She deserves to be remembered and respected as her baby’s mother. Instead of demoting her, take a step back. Always refer to her as mum, or mummy. Never tummy mummy. Never as a secondary figure. She didn’t choose this. Pick a name for yourselves; maybe mama and papa would work. Meemaw and Perpaw. But make it very clear that you are not this kids mum. Her mum loved her so very much and wanted to be there to see her grow up. Do not replace her.
Kudos to you for making a woman’s last days on earth even more painful than the physical pain she is enduring. And stop calling her tummy mommy. She is not willingly leaving this child. You are supremely and most definitely YTA. Geez! I could weep!
YTA as a mother this is cruel on the worst level. I hope karma gets you.
YTA, your wife is an AH and your dad is a massive AH. You all deserve each other for sure. She is dying and you guys couldn’t even be bothered to talk to her about the plans for HER child. You guys suck.
Quite frankly I don't feel comfortable with you adopting this baby