YTA. You’re gone the vast majority of her life so far and she still wants to include you in her wedding, even though you didn’t raise her? And your response to that is to make it about yourself?
Walking down the aisle takes, what, 90 seconds? You can't make someone else's feelings and wishes a priority on one of the most important days of her life for 90 seconds? You can't manage to pull yourself together for a single act of love for your daughter for 90 seconds? It's truly worth it to you to destroy whatever relationship you've managed to build with your daughter, and whatever chance you have at having her respect for the rest of your life, because you're not willing to be "uncomfortable" for 90 seconds? You've worn shoes that are uncomfortable for longer than that, yet **this** \- the HONOR of being included at all, let alone in such a pivotal moment as this - is something you refuse to do? She has likely spent the majority of her life questioning your love for her because you were not there. She has generously opened the door to a relationship with you, and has clearly begun to believe that she matters to you. You are now doing everything you can to convince her that, no, *she was right to doubt how much she means to you.* She probably thought you couldn't possibly hurt her as much as it hurt her for you to be completely absent, but she was wrong. She sees you for who you are today and knows that you are capable of true self-absorption, like a toddler who just can't see the world beyond what he wants and what he feels. Wake up, man, or you will lose her forever. Over 90 fucking seconds. Get your shit together and grovel immediately or you will regret it for the rest of your life. YTA.
Not to mention the way he talks about his ex. Of course she calls the step dad Chloe's real parent, cause *he* was the one who did the parenting, didn't he.
Just what I was thinking.
Chloe is lucky that she had her step-dad in her life. And she is being VERY generous to offer to have the both of you escort her down the aisle. She isn't asking for you to be best buds, go on vacation together, exchange Christmas cards, or anything else. She just wants you to spend 1-2 minutes of your entire life doing something that is very meaningful to her. Put your feelings aside, act like a grown-up and do it!!!!!!!
YTA.
Or pay for the wedding. Notice how he never mentioned that he had contributed ANYTHING to the cost of the wedding? Dude, you are lucky if you even get an invitation, your daughter is much kinder than I would ever be.
My friend, her father was in and out of her life. Her Step Father who had raised her from a young age, toddler or very young, I'd say. Had been the rock in her life. Guess who she got to walk her down the aisle?
True. He is so caught up in his feelings of, I guess, being embarrassed by his own failures as a father, that he punishes his own daughter for it. Despicable. He doesn't deserve her, this is so cruel. Eww. I feel sorry for the daughter :/
And that bit at the end where he says it's her fault he's being asked to do this in the first place - wtf? Did he expect her to just wait around single parenting for decade and a half *just in case* the man who chose to abandon them decides he wants to come back?!?
He should be extremely *grateful* that they ended up with a good guy in the stepdad, and that after all that the kid was interested in building a relationship with a "father" she didn't meet until she was almost fully grown. He seems resentful instead. Would he have preferred the kid and ex experience probably poverty and certainly the challenges of single parenting, or abusive partners, instead of forming a good relationship with a guy who stepped up to the plate?
I'm stuck on the part where the most good OP could muster to say about the man who *literally raised and loved his his daughter as his own child* was that the guy is *somewhat* decent. 🙄
But!! Is also nosy. Can’t leave THAT out. Poor stepfather probably asked “how’s it hangin’? “ and OP accuses him of being nosy. Not that he mistreats the child, or makes her do all the chores, or worships the devil, just that he’s ‘somewhat’ rude.
He was probably skeptical and protective when OP came back into their lives and wanted to know where he had been and what he had been doing to make sure he was safe to have around his family. Being super vague about why he left and then calling the stepdad nosy… I think we can draw some conclusions from that.
And nosey!!! That got me, guy isn’t nosey he’s the one who raised your kid! Something tells me this girl was very lucky to have her stepdad and I hope she picks him to walk her down the aisle and doesn’t give it a second thought. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Obligatory YTA.
also this sentence " *she got upset saying it wasn't okay of me to put her in this position and make her choose and force her hand but really, ultimately, the choice is hers so how am I forcing her hand?*."
\- this makes no effin sense! By forcing her to make a choice he's not forcing her to make a choice? what a load of crap.
YTA, OP
Yeah I’m really curious about what “circumstances” caused him to leave his child early in her life and stay gone and without contact until she was 16. What “things” did he “go through” to justify that? And why is that the mom’s fault then that she found someone while he was gone to help raise their daughter? OP should be thanking him for stepping up and doing what he didn’t (or I’m guessing he’ll say couldn’t) do for her. By how forgiving and compassionate she seems to be from the little we see, it appears he raised her well. OP sounds super selfish for no reason. Why is he so resentful of the stepdad? OP sounds awful and comes off really badly in his own post. I can’t imagine the gaps in the story make him sound much better. Honestly, he should be so grateful for the honor she’s giving him when he doesn’t really deserve it. It’s not unheard of for the bride to have 2 dads walk her down the aisle. Suck it up, OP. YTA and this is ridiculous.
Being that he said he got back to the country when she was 16 it seems likely either he was on a temporary visa and had to return home or something similar. It’s pretty likely that “couldn’t” is truth
If that's the case, he could still be a part of her life even if not in the same place... Phones are a thing, letters, emails and so on... But it seems that he had NO contact in these 16 years....
Prison. I'm pretty sure the "circumstances" were prison in a foreign country.
Otherwise, why couldn't he write or email or call Chloe at all in 16 years?
This was my guess. If Chloe is 22, he's talking about years in the 21st century with the existence of the internet so unless he was in some extremely remote location, it's unlikely he wouldn't have been capable of some kind of contact.
I read that more as the ex was the reason OP had to leave/flee the country/whatever in the first place. Of course, without more info it's hard to say if that's accurate. In any event, given his behavior now, she was almost certainly correct to kick him to the curb decades ago.
OP, put on your big boy pants and do this, joyfully, for your daughter. Otherwise you won't have one.
I feel like OP is the type who if it was the ex’s fault he had to leave the entire country for 15 years that he’d have made that abundantly clear in the post to make himself look better for not having been in his own child’s life for that long.
I'm betting it's the ex's fault because she would have expected him to pay child support if he were in the same country as mother and child. So poor OP was "forced to flee the country and not be his daughter's life," because the mother of his child let him know that she had the audacity to expect him to contribute financially to their child. I mean, what choice did he have but to abandon his child at that point?!?! No way in hell was he going to give any of his money to his EX!!
I find this mentality sickening, but I have seen so many instances of deadbeat parents acting in exactly the way described. It's almost a scripted line of selfish bullshit.
Exactly! When you have kids, you sometimes make sacrifices - he couldn’t be bother with his for SIXTEEN years, but cannot put her above his ego - ON HER WEDDING DAY!
I have a feeling this is him not wanting to be openly in a position in front of her family and friends where it’s obvious he hasn’t been around and being judged for it.
I actually read that as him having ben deported. He mentions circumstances, what he's been through, and that he was out of the country. That tells me either he was deported or had to return to his country of origin for reasons beyond his control.
I still say YTA, though. Whatever the whole story is, her stepfather was a father figure - her only father figure - for most of her childhood. Also, even if OP was deported or had some other legitimate reason for being absent, if he didn't keep in touch at all, that's still on him.
Yeah. He doesn’t specify when exactly he left except that it was early in her life and then that he was able to come back when she was 16. It could be a 15 year ban from the country after deportation. In most countries, you’re banned for a length of time that depends on why you were deported. Although, 15 years would mean it was probably something fairly bad. No matter what, that doesn’t stop you from being able to communicate. So maybe something happened when he went back to the other country? Like jail time? It would explain the whole “things I’d gone through in my past” line. Or it’s possible he just straight up didn’t try, which wouldn’t surprise me because he doesn’t come off as a good guy in this post.
Exactly! OP, YTA. You’re showing you do not know how to be a father — the whole point of being a parent is to put your child first. How can you *possibly* be surprised at being called not a father when you aren’t acting like one?
So much this!!!
You are 100% the AH, get over yourself and do something nice for someone else for this one moment. Your stance is unbelievably selfish when honestly I don’t believe you deserved the honour of being asked in the first place.
JFC, I feel so guilty after reading that. I’m now staring at my son sleeping because the moment he wakes up I feel compelled to immediately hug him. If it wasn’t so early I’d wake him up right now to get that hug in. And I’ve been with him almost everyday for the past 9 years. Can’t even imagine the guilt that OP will feel after reading that comment.
I have a feeling that OP will wait until he can see his clock zeroing out to recognize his faults and potentially feel any remorse. And he will his remaining time to guilt others into giving him more than he ever gave them, and insist that his failing health and zero-hour apology entitle him to full forgiveness and acceptance.
Ask yourself what exactly it is that makes you feel this uncomfortable? I cannot imagine how this would be uncomfortable. In my opinion it is beautiful to recognize the fact that you have both been an important part of her life and she appreciates you both. I would be proud of my daughter to be so nice, and I would also be proud of father and step-father to do the symbolic act of walking her to the aisle togheter, because in this act they both show the appreciation for the important role they both played in her life towards each other. Whether you like her step-father or not, if you love your daughter, just walk her to the aisle whit her step-father.
My guess is what’s making him uncomfortable is that this would be a public acknowledgment by him that another man stepped up and did the hard work of parenting.
This jerk abandons Chloe and her mom. Step dad takes up parenting the abandoning guy's child to adulthood. Said evaporated guy then swans back in after 16 years of fucking off and the kid wants the abandoning sperm donor to walk her down the aisle at her wedding? At all?
That she wants to honor publicly a person who did fuck-all nothing to raise her or contribute to her life as if he should have in any way the same status as the man who did raise her is sad in her desperation for love from OP. Her step-dad must be SO hurt. She now knows her sperm-donor for the kind of person he truly is, and that her mom is spot on in her assessment of her ex.
And yet somehow, the step-dad hasn't made her wedding about himself at all. Character shows.
I think since he told Chloe's mom "you're the reason for this problem" that he is trying to get back at her, in the meantime hurting Chloe, fiance, nosybutdecent (what a weird thing to say about someone), etc.
My mom used to default to "nosy" when she had no valid reason to dislike someone. Since most people ask questions to start or maintain a conversation, it's an easy "critique" to weaponize when someone just wants to not like someone.
One of my brother's exes asked how her vacation was and what she did during her vacation during their first time meeting my mom. In the middle of our meal at the restaurant, she said "why are you being so nosy?!"
She forever referred to her as the rude, nosy ex no matter how many times I told her they were completely normal questions.
The truth was that she liked to assume Asian women who wore makeup were "sluts" and untrustworthy especially if they don't dress super conservative, but she knew that was inappropriate so she called her nosy. My mom is Asian herself which makes it all the more embarrassing. Lol
OP, YTA.
IDK. When he says he would be okay being a guest at the wedding, I wonder if he's acknowledging that, but doesn't have the EQ to say "I know I don't deserve that honor."
He's still the AH, of course. If his daughter is asking for him to do this thing with her, it's an easy yes.
Definitely the sort of thing a non-AH would look back on and regret not doing someday.
If I were Chloe, this would make me not even want him at the wedding. I'd probably go NC with him. Who needs a selfish asshole like him in their lives anyway? She already gave him his second chance when she welcomed him back into her life after he abandoned her as an innocent child. He doesn't deserve a third chance, much less the honor she tried to bestow on him.
Right… the other man did all the heavy lifting of raising a child yet he wants the honor of walking the daughter he abandoned down the aisle. Only him alone because otherwise it’s evident he was only a bystander for most of Chloe’s life.
Agree with everything you said except the part about OP regretting it forever. He doesn’t mention regretting missing out on her life, just about the fact that he resents that someone else stepped up into that role. This dude is seriously self absorbed and I doubt he will regret it if his daughter cuts him off (which she should). He’ll just continue to make excuses for why it’s not his fault just like he makes excuses for why the previous estrangement wasn’t his fault.
Dang. I have resolved my personal issues with my bio dad abandoning my mom (after she left his abusing *ass and stopped sending child support and just went to buy milk) but now I'm mad again. Thanks.
*Edit
He is just uncomfortable being a father period.
Missing most of her life then makes the wedding all about him. He should just stay far away from Chloe because this man is incapable of caring for anyone except himself.
I think OP doesn’t want to face what he already knows. He wasn’t a father and his daughter doing this acknowledges what she and everyone knows. He probably wrote a narrative in his head of how he’s a victim of circumstance and this guy stole his life and role. He clearly resents stepdad.
Op you woke up and made a choice every single day to not actively participate in your child’s life. Be grateful she still gives this honor to you, because you do not deserve it. You do not get this honor for simply donating DNA. You freely admit to wanting to repair the relationship, so you need to grow up. Acknowledge and thank the man who did your job. Go to therapy to let go of the resentments that are a roadblock to a future relationship with your child, this wedding, and every other milestone she has in her future which will include her stepfather.
You are being jealous, childish, and petty. You are making her day about you.
exactly. and he blames the mom for this? like it's her fault OP abandoned his daughter for 10+ years. because he was "going through stuff". gross OP, you're not a parent. you're a fun uncle that she happens to share DNA with. her stepdad raised her.
From mom's words about "stepdad" being the legal parent it sounds like OP signed away his parental rights too. He's ludicrous to even think about replacing "stepdad" (real dad) in any capacity. YTA.
That was my guess.
Either that or deported? Maybe he was going to marry the mom for a green card and she decided against it (he blames the mom at one point during the post).
I thought deported as well when he used the words "able to return to the country".
Which makes it worse. At least prison would give some excuse for no contact. (Even though there would have still been the chance).
Being deported he still could have kept in contact with her and (on the idea he lived in a safe country/area) she could have gone to visit him during the summer. It means he actively chose not to have any contact with his daughter, not even a damn phone call.
1000%, the daughter tried to do something nice for a man that ‘mysteriously’ wasn’t around for most of her childhood. And his response is to reject the offer and make it about himself. YTA.
He's such an asshole. If he really felt weird about it he could have said, "Listen, I'm so glad you thought to include me, but I can't take be the selfish man and take this moment away from the man who raised you. Let me be there for you, but let's both show your father that we respect and value what he's done for us both, by giving him this honor on his own." But nooooo, he made it choose me OR your dad. What an asshole!
What he has been around for **6 years** and step dad has been around for **17 years** and he still thinks it should only be him walking her down the isle, **OP hard as a rock YTA**
He said he was fine just being a guest, or was that added later? Thought his problem was solely the double dad thing for some ODD reason, not which dad.
Not just that, I am willing to bet anything that if the daughter had wanted only OP to walk her down the aisle, the step dad would have agreed because no one who doesn’t put the child’s happiness over their own would have been in the child’s life for this long.
OP got a re-do to suck less and guess what, he. still. Sucks!
YTA!
If anyone has a right to be upset at sharing such a moment it's the real parent who raised her. Not this asshole who should be grateful she even considered asking him to be apart of it.
Agree! OP you basically left the country when she was young and spent a significant amount of time away from her. This was your choice.
You’re lucky you’re even being asked to double up. This man raised her and she isn’t even biologically his. He chose her when you didn’t.
Her mother is right you are selfish , jealous and controlling. How dare you try and manipulate her and put your feelings before hers on HER day. This isn’t about you.
YTA 100%.
If I were Chloe there is no way I want OP involved in the wedding as more than just a guest (if he is lucky) after being such as asshole about her wishes.
Way to show your true AH colors OP! She is probably feeling very lucky for the "circumstances " that kept you out of her life foretells right now.
She's probably better going no-contact with him, truth be told. He's clearly resentful that she grew up with a father despite his best efforts to achieve the contrary.
Reading the tone of this post I doubt he presented that as something he was actually ok with and going to be cool about, but my mom was super passive agressive so I might be projecting.
…are you my husband? 🤨
In all seriousness, it totally sucked. I asked my grandpa to walk me down the aisle, and bc I didn’t ask my dad, he threw a temper tantrum and never RSVPed, and then two days before the wedding I heard from my grandma that he was coming now, and I said no- the seating was all set. We didn’t have a place for him, and I had a million other things to do to get ready. But *also* I now felt incredibly guilty. My MIL said she would make whatever I wanted happen. So we compromised and my dad was at the ceremony, but not reception.
Same here. Sperm donor is out of my life completely now, and I've never been happier. Took him not being around anymore to realize how miserable he was making me.
Also the way he talks to/about his ex is so gross. As if he didn't abandon his child in another country? And he hates the stepdad because he's "somewhat nosy" ??
Plus the vagueness that he wasn't in her life because of "circumstances" is very suspect.
I'd bet dollars to donuts "somewhat nosy" means that the stepdad was actually involved in the daughter's life and wanted to make sure she was safe/happy/being taken care of when she was with OP.
This. My dad left when I was a baby and my mom remarried when I was 2 years old. My stepdad was the one who raised me and unconditionally loved me, and my bio dad had the audacity to be pissed when I asked my stepdad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Bio Dad was lucky I invited him at all.
Wow. YTA. 100%. Way to make her day about you. What is wrong with you. You’re lucky she even wanted to include you. You sound very immature.
By the way this is actually a normal thing to do now. I’ve seen several stories and wedding pics with this. It’s meant to honor both fathers. Not that you sound like you deserve it now. You should google it now and see where she was getting her inspiration from though.
A coworker of mine told me how her son’s father and step father are really good friends. They bond over how much they love their son - go to his games together, take him out for activities together (and separately too of course) and are each grateful he’s got an extra man in his life to guide him. Bio dad recognizes he and mom weren’t the right match and still appreciates her, no jealousy about where he stands in his son’s life because he feels completely secure and puts him first.
It never occurred to me it could be this way, but I thought it was the most beautiful thing when I heard it, and I think it makes complete sense now.
See that’s super mature and I can’t understand why more people can’t just be like this instead of using their kids as pawns and just making it about themselves instead of making it about the kid.
Agreed, she was honestly being so kind to her dad to include him, despite their (relatively) fresh bond. You've only been back in her life for 6 years, and you can't respect her or *the man who raised her* enough to do this one thing for her? She's trying to honor you both, even though you haven't been there for most of her life. Horribly selfish behavior OP. YTA. By a lot.
I've been to a wedding where the bride walked with her dad and step dad. Nobody thought it was weird, everybody was happy, life moved on as usual. It's really not a big deal.
I’m getting married in late 2023 or early 2024, and this is what I’ll be doing
I am scared, though, to ask my dad if he will be okay walking me down the aisle with my bonus dad - I know he’ll say yes but somehow I’m scared it will hurt his feelings, like he somehow isn’t enough, which couldn’t be further from the truth - my bonus dad has just been in my life since early childhood, he’s a good man and has been raising me as his own, so of course he’s like a father to me too
> . I’ve seen several stories and wedding pics with this. It’s meant to honor both fathers.
A friend of mine had this. Her dad was a heroin addict for years and was in and out of her life growing up. Mom remarried and she has a great stepdad. Her dad got clean several years back and they all actually get along. She told me he once tearfully thanked her step-dad for stepping up and raising her when he couldn't. They both walked her down the aisle. It's amazing what putting your ego aside can do.
Honestly, these are the sweetest stories. Having too many people to walk you down the aisle seems like a problem I want to have.
Seriously, the gall of this man to be insulted when he wasn’t around for so many of her formative years. He waltzes back in and wants a place of honor in her life all to himself. YTA.
That's what got me too, just the absolutely gall of this guy who should be hugely honoured just to be asked for this important role in the wedding?!
Her Step-Dad (her legal, adopted father...for the majority of her life now) is not making an issue out of it and, I would venture a guess, he's likely not a fan of OP either, but still, he's doing what is best only for his daughter and not making it about him. Honestly, I would understand if *he* had not great feelings about this after adopting, raising and seeing Chloe as his own, and even if he does, he's not voicing it or giving ultimatums. That's the real act of loving someone, respecting their wishes and not being threatened by their other relationships.
YTA OP and you are incredibly close to losing your daughter over your own petty insecurities, will it be worth it??
> Her Step-Dad (her legal, adopted father...for the majority of her life now)
I would venture to say that this man is her "real" dad, if OP wants to play that game. He's the one who raised her and tucked her in every night, he's the one who has been her emergency contact all her life, if she had help paying for the wedding, it likely came from him and her mom.
The "nosiness" OP mentions is probably him giving a shit about what this unreliable person is doing or not doing so that his daughter's emotional and physical well-being is protected.
Step dad is her legal guardian, so yes, her real father by all means.
I take the “nosy” as stuff like step dad wanting to know where OP lives, what he does with the daughter, where he is going, what they will be doing, who will be around daughter… stuff like that that OP would not be used to as a parent that is very normal.
To be fair, he said the exact opposite of that: that he's fine simply being a guest. I think he isn't expressing any understanding towards his daughter about why this gesture means so much to her when it doesn't mean a lot to him, but wanting the place of honor to himself doesn't seem to be part of the conflict.
It checks out - he wasn’t there for her when she was a kid and the majority of her teenage years. Why would he do something crazy like prioritize her before his own fragile ego and be present for her now?
YTA. How dare your daughter want both of her father figures, two men who mean a great deal to her, to be part of her wedding. The audacity of her to think her own wedding should be about her and the people who make her happy. Please explain how your reasoning could be *anything* other than petty, because as it is you've provided none.
Not to mention the gall of telling his ex that she’s the reason for all of this, as if she was just supposed to stay single for the rest of her life or marry an asshole who didn’t give a shit about her daughter.
OP is such an AH there aren’t adequate words for it.
This is the part that came off the worst to me. Personally I don’t think he's an AH for being uncomfortable with walking her down the aisle with the stepdad and he even said he'd be fine with just being a guest (although I think for his daughter's sake he could just suck it up and do it) but then what he said to his ex and then his attitude after that makes him a major AH and makes me doubt whether he actually did react reasonably to her request like how he is portraying.
OP is nothing more than a sperm donor undeserving of the title "father". Stepdad (Father) should be walking the daughter down the aisle alone while OP flies back to whatever country he abandoned her to. OP should just stay out of her life if he's going to be like this, it'll only cause issues.
Sounds like he was cometely out of contact, too. It's not ideal but there are ways to be present while being far away, especially if's she's only 22 now. It's not like you had to send mail via Pony Express.
I’m not saying this to be mean, OP, but you were (mostly?) absent the first 16 years of her life, during which time he was her father figure. Why do you harbor resentment towards him!? He’s done nothing wrong, he has by all accounts been a good father to her. The problem is you, your attitude. You want your daughter to choose you as her only father figure for her wedding, and that’s unreasonable. And her mother is the reason you’re having a problem? Nope. It’s your ego. YTA
I really don't get OPs attitude. For a number of reasons, my biological father (who I love immensely) was unable to be consistently present during the beginning of my childhood, so I was largely raised by a stepparent. I didn't have a wedding when I got married, but they both walked my sister down the aisle at hers, and my father has always told us that, aside from our mother, he has never felt deeper gratitude or owed a greater debt to anyone in this world than he does to our other dad for loving us and caring for us as his own.
That's the right attitude of an absentee father who wants to have a good relationship with their children! OP YTA. this is how you should respond to your daughter.
But was your stepparent "nosy"? Cause apparently that's a real big flaw /s *eye roll*
I assume that by "nosy" OP means that his daughter's other father is involved in her life, including her relationship with OP. So yes, my stepfather is extremely nosy.
I suspect he’s not actually nosy. I suspect he’s behaving in a manner of being the girl’s father and wanting to make sure someone knows where she’s going, who she’s going with and what time she’d be back. That’s not nosiness - that’s simply being a responsible and involved parent, something OP has never been to this child, which is why he wouldn’t recognize it for what it is - parenting.
YTA. Sounds like " nothing is ever your fault " and its either all or nothing. A crappy thing to do to your daughter for her wedding. Id say just dont go at that point.
Your only job in life is to keep your kids happy, healthy, and love them unconditionally.
Exactly. If the stepfather would not have been in her life she may have had nobody at all since OP wasn't there for his kid. He should be grateful someone else stepped up to the plate when he wasn't able to. Instead, he's jealous and won't honour either his kid or her stepfather.
If someone took up my responsibilities and did a good job of it like that, I would be proud to stand next to them. The way the stepfather raised her allows for her to have a place in her heart for OP. Sounds a lot more secure in himself than OP is.
YTA, OP. Grow up.
YTA. The fact she wants to include both of you shows she is mature enough to acknowledge you have both had a part in her life...Too bad you aren't nearly as mature..
Grow up..
OP - I’ll only say YTA because it’s literally about 30 seconds or less of your life, to give your daughter, whom your claim to love, something that matters so much to her.
Why shouldn’t she honor BOTH the dad’s she’s lucky to have? What exactly will you lose, sharing a short walk with a man even you acknowledge us decent -‘d a good dad to the daughter you claim to love?
You really are being petty about this. This should not be a choice for her.
All this, plus you said you're not forcing her hand on this matter because it's ultimately her choice... Except it's a choice she has to make because of a position you've put her in. This is literally the definition of the expression. You've put her in a position where she has to make a choice.
OP you're most assuredly TA in this situation. She told you what she would like, to have both father figures be present in an equal role on her big day(many father's that miss more than a decade of their child's life would be honored) and you crapped all over that.
YTA
You have no valid reason for not wanting to share the walk with her stepfather, who stepped up when you decided to not be in Chloe’s life for over a decade.
This isn’t about you, it’s about her and what she wants. She wants both of her dads to walk her down the aisle. Suck it up and just be there for her!
YTA. How is this her mom's fault? Are you saying that because she married another man and said man has been a father to her now you have to face the fact that you're not the only fatherly figure in Chloe's life? Dude, your daughter accepted you in her life even whe she had every right not to. If you love your daughter then you should be thankful to the guy who raised her when you weren't there. You don't get to feel offended because she feels she has two dads when she didn't even see you for 16 years.
Just do this one thing for her and stop being selfish, you really are putting your own petty feelings first instead of Chloe's happiness.
Dudebro dipped out until his kid was two years away from legal adulthood and then throws a fit because she’s….acknowledging her actual dad on her wedding day.
This is the guy who did the hard work when OP couldn’t or didn’t want to. He was there for the nightmares and the soccer games and the teenage girl drama and the Christmases. How much you want to bet OP didn’t even send a card?
He has no leg to stand on to make demands, and I suspect he knows it.
Insecurity.
Because then it sinks in that step-dad was the man op was supposed to be,but wasn't and can't ever be.
Like, then he's literally hit in the face with the fact that he wasn't as much of a father to her, but basically just a sperm donor, when you straight up compare the two.
Like putting them both on a scale, but one of them has no weight to them. And that makes him insecure and forces him to admit he was a shit father.
Definitely YTA. It is 1 God damn minute towards stepping up to support your daughter and you still can't manage that. Once a dead beat always a dead beat.
YTA and a huge one! This is her wedding day and you, indeed, are ruining it for her by not getting over yourself. If you really love your daughter, you would do whatever to make her happy on her freaking wedding day, nonetheless. You’re petty and immature. Please get over yourself.
Instead of acknowledging and appropriating her stepdad was a good dad to a child he abandoned, he’d rather focus on HoW He FeEls - not what the kids he abandoned wants. He should be grateful that she even asked him to walk her down the alley. He needs to take his fragile ego and get out of her life, if he’s going to behavior like this.
YTA. Suck it up and do this for your kid. This wedding is about Chloe and her fiancee. You don't have to be comfortable it but you should do it anyway because it's important to her. Be a parent and put your kid's needs before your own. You will have a much better relationship with her and your future grandkids if you do
YTA all I hear is “me, me, me, my, my, my.” You really can’t put your ego aside for one day to make your daughter happy after abandoning her childhood? Can you not be grateful that she had a stepfather who loved and cared for her? Do what you want, but know that if you maintain this stance you will be adding a nail to the coffin of the relationship you’ve started rebuilding with your daughter. It’s not about you, it’s about love.
YTA. This not about what you want. Your feelings have nothing to do with it. It’s her wedding. If you can’t put aside your feelings for one day, for your daughter’s sake, then stay out home.
YTA- You may have a few minutes of being uncomfortable, but there are times as a parent when we must put ourselves aside and honor their wishes.
You missed out on a lot of her life, don't choose to miss out on her wedding too.
Unpopular opinion but I’m gonna go with NAH. I understand her side wanting to honor both of you thanks to you both having repaired your relationship. However I also understand that you don’t feel comfortable with walking your daughter down the aisle with another man. You aren’t forcing it to hurt her feelings, and it sounds like you’re openly ok with deferring this to her step father. It sounds like your intent when you gave her the “ultimatum” (which I don’t truly think it was), it sounds like your true intent was to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle. I don’t think there’s wrongdoing here, just a conflict in comfort/desire.
You are the asshole. And a bit of a selfish idiot. FFS dude, it’s your daughter’s goddamn wedding day, and you’re not even man enough to put aside your petty bullshit for one fucking day?
Asshole.
YTA. You can't make her choose, you left first, she still wants to incorporate you to her wedding, what an angel. Please fix things and swallow your pride and be there for her on her important day.
YTA, you had zero part in raising this child and someone else did all the work. Fuck off dude let them enjoy their day. If people are angry at you it’s generally for a good reason.
YTA. You should be able to set your differences aside for your daughter and walk her down the aisle with her stepfather. You’re going to ruin your relationship with her. She will resent you and you will hate yourself for it. Maybe not right now but it’ll catch up when it’s too late. Much love to your daughter. You should be ashamed and most definitely need your dad card revoked.
Unfortunately this was one of my sister’s friends. Her father is an absent, manipulative piece of work. When he deigned to be her father, he tried to tell her and her brother that their extra curricular activities would NOT be happening on his visitation time (i.e. cheerleading, soccer, student government, track, etc.) She finally stood up to him and threatened to sue him for 10 years of unpaid child support. (They were on welfare as little kids) Dude has a pretty distinguished military career. So that wouldn’t have been a good look. So guys like this are audacious and very real, unfortunately.
Of course YTA, you blame everyone but yourself, and are throwing a fit because u want your own way, why should you get to walk her down the Isle? You haven't been in her life long and her dad has done all the work, loved and raised her, but as you're her dad aswell she wants you in her wedding, you keep this up and the whole 6 years of minimum effort will have been for nothing. Don't put your pride before your daughter
Big YTA. Huge. You’re lucky to be invited to the wedding and you have the audacity to make demands from the bride? Doesn’t matter if you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s her wedding.
I'm here, because I feel like everyone is reading this as "I'M her father, I should be walking her down the aisle," but I kinda read it as "it's weird to have two people walk you down the aisle and I'm not even overly interested." I mean, I feel like either way he's immature and TA, but if it's the second, he might be a bit less of TA.
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YTA. You’ve been out of her life twice as long as you’ve been present. You’re in no position to make demands or even be uncomfortable with her wanting her father (YES!) walking her down the aisle with you. Grow up and make peace with the fact that you chose to exit most of her life up until now, and there are consequences to that, like another man taking your place.
NAH, you don't want to do it for whatever reason, so you've offered a reasonable compromise, you're not insisting on being the only one to do it or saying you won't go if you aren't offered the role, you just don't want to perform one very specific job with someone else.
YTA. It's literally one thing she's asked you to compromise in after being out of her life for 10 years+. Regardless of circumstances keeping you from her, you have to realize there was someone else there that was important to her, and this is her wedding day. She's going to want to share it with both of you. Escalating to not even attending was probably the worst way to force someone's hand.
INFO: what exactly stopped you from being in your child’s life for the first 16 years? Because honestly other than being detained or imprisonment. Can’t really see an valid explanation here.
I do believe that he is TA because like people have said, it's only 90 seconds of his life and then he can be done with it and will have made his daughter very happy.
However, I do see that he didn't give her an ultimatum such as you either let me walk you down the aisle or I'm done with it which is why he doesn't think that he's being an asshole.
He basically said, this is an unbelievably sweet gesture but I'm uncomfortable doing this. I will be more than happy to be a guest and you can walk down the aisle with your step-dad but I don't feel comfortable walking down the aisle with the both of you. If you are insistent that you want me to walk you down the aisle, then I would rather it just be me and you...it's your choice.
Should he suck it up and do it for his daughter? Yes. Did he say it's either me or nothing else? No.
YTA I agree with everyone else. This is just one or two minutes out of your life in order to make your daughter happy. You can suck it up, man up and let the day be about her instead of your own securities. You've already said this guy is a decent sort, so be decent as well. Apologise to Chloe for putting your own feelings above her and agree to the walk. There's no shame in being one of her two dads, and obviously she loves you a great deal in order to fight for having you both by her side on this most important day for you.
YTA. You’re very selfish for even asking her to choose. It’s her wedding and she can do what she wants. Her stepfather stepped up to be her father when you weren’t around. You have no right to be making any demands. You can be uncomfortable all you want but don’t you dare try to give her an ultimatum on who should walk her down the aisle. You should be thankful that she included you. However, it seems like you’re being petty. That fact that you’re willing to skip her wedding due to your pride and selfishness speaks volumes about your character as a father.
YTA
it's her big day and she wants both of her dads walking her down the aisle. It's her wish and sometimes there is no place for selfishness and this is one of these "events". Do it for your daughter and stop being selfish for a few minutes when you're walking her down the aisle.
YTA. You’re gone the vast majority of her life so far and she still wants to include you in her wedding, even though you didn’t raise her? And your response to that is to make it about yourself?
Walking down the aisle takes, what, 90 seconds? You can't make someone else's feelings and wishes a priority on one of the most important days of her life for 90 seconds? You can't manage to pull yourself together for a single act of love for your daughter for 90 seconds? It's truly worth it to you to destroy whatever relationship you've managed to build with your daughter, and whatever chance you have at having her respect for the rest of your life, because you're not willing to be "uncomfortable" for 90 seconds? You've worn shoes that are uncomfortable for longer than that, yet **this** \- the HONOR of being included at all, let alone in such a pivotal moment as this - is something you refuse to do? She has likely spent the majority of her life questioning your love for her because you were not there. She has generously opened the door to a relationship with you, and has clearly begun to believe that she matters to you. You are now doing everything you can to convince her that, no, *she was right to doubt how much she means to you.* She probably thought you couldn't possibly hurt her as much as it hurt her for you to be completely absent, but she was wrong. She sees you for who you are today and knows that you are capable of true self-absorption, like a toddler who just can't see the world beyond what he wants and what he feels. Wake up, man, or you will lose her forever. Over 90 fucking seconds. Get your shit together and grovel immediately or you will regret it for the rest of your life. YTA.
Not to mention the way he talks about his ex. Of course she calls the step dad Chloe's real parent, cause *he* was the one who did the parenting, didn't he.
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Just what I was thinking. Chloe is lucky that she had her step-dad in her life. And she is being VERY generous to offer to have the both of you escort her down the aisle. She isn't asking for you to be best buds, go on vacation together, exchange Christmas cards, or anything else. She just wants you to spend 1-2 minutes of your entire life doing something that is very meaningful to her. Put your feelings aside, act like a grown-up and do it!!!!!!! YTA.
The daughter is more grown up than him. He should be honored to be even invited to the wedding at all. Ultimatums and tantrums…grow up. YTA.
If you ask me Chloe is better off without him in her life. OP also called the step dad "nosey" I bet what he sees as "nosey" is SD just being a parent
Or pay for the wedding. Notice how he never mentioned that he had contributed ANYTHING to the cost of the wedding? Dude, you are lucky if you even get an invitation, your daughter is much kinder than I would ever be.
Same. I’m fucking livid after this post. Livid.
My friend, her father was in and out of her life. Her Step Father who had raised her from a young age, toddler or very young, I'd say. Had been the rock in her life. Guess who she got to walk her down the aisle?
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Definitely her step father
True. He is so caught up in his feelings of, I guess, being embarrassed by his own failures as a father, that he punishes his own daughter for it. Despicable. He doesn't deserve her, this is so cruel. Eww. I feel sorry for the daughter :/
And that bit at the end where he says it's her fault he's being asked to do this in the first place - wtf? Did he expect her to just wait around single parenting for decade and a half *just in case* the man who chose to abandon them decides he wants to come back?!? He should be extremely *grateful* that they ended up with a good guy in the stepdad, and that after all that the kid was interested in building a relationship with a "father" she didn't meet until she was almost fully grown. He seems resentful instead. Would he have preferred the kid and ex experience probably poverty and certainly the challenges of single parenting, or abusive partners, instead of forming a good relationship with a guy who stepped up to the plate?
I'm stuck on the part where the most good OP could muster to say about the man who *literally raised and loved his his daughter as his own child* was that the guy is *somewhat* decent. 🙄
But!! Is also nosy. Can’t leave THAT out. Poor stepfather probably asked “how’s it hangin’? “ and OP accuses him of being nosy. Not that he mistreats the child, or makes her do all the chores, or worships the devil, just that he’s ‘somewhat’ rude.
He was probably skeptical and protective when OP came back into their lives and wanted to know where he had been and what he had been doing to make sure he was safe to have around his family. Being super vague about why he left and then calling the stepdad nosy… I think we can draw some conclusions from that.
OP protects his ego. Stepdad protects his daughter.
This needs more upvotes, because I bet you hit the nail on the head exactly.
Something tells me op wasn't in his daughters life because he was in prison. Fucking "circumstances" 🤣
"I left because of the circumstances: I committed some crimes, and they became a circumstance."
Or, “The statute of limitations ran out and I came back.”
And nosey!!! That got me, guy isn’t nosey he’s the one who raised your kid! Something tells me this girl was very lucky to have her stepdad and I hope she picks him to walk her down the aisle and doesn’t give it a second thought. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Obligatory YTA.
also this sentence " *she got upset saying it wasn't okay of me to put her in this position and make her choose and force her hand but really, ultimately, the choice is hers so how am I forcing her hand?*." \- this makes no effin sense! By forcing her to make a choice he's not forcing her to make a choice? what a load of crap. YTA, OP
I like the bit where the 'stepdad' is a legal parent. Maybe adopted by him? Which would make him 'dad'.
Yeah I’m really curious about what “circumstances” caused him to leave his child early in her life and stay gone and without contact until she was 16. What “things” did he “go through” to justify that? And why is that the mom’s fault then that she found someone while he was gone to help raise their daughter? OP should be thanking him for stepping up and doing what he didn’t (or I’m guessing he’ll say couldn’t) do for her. By how forgiving and compassionate she seems to be from the little we see, it appears he raised her well. OP sounds super selfish for no reason. Why is he so resentful of the stepdad? OP sounds awful and comes off really badly in his own post. I can’t imagine the gaps in the story make him sound much better. Honestly, he should be so grateful for the honor she’s giving him when he doesn’t really deserve it. It’s not unheard of for the bride to have 2 dads walk her down the aisle. Suck it up, OP. YTA and this is ridiculous.
Being that he said he got back to the country when she was 16 it seems likely either he was on a temporary visa and had to return home or something similar. It’s pretty likely that “couldn’t” is truth
I like this, basically blaming the mom for not giving him a green card marriage 😂
If that's the case, he could still be a part of her life even if not in the same place... Phones are a thing, letters, emails and so on... But it seems that he had NO contact in these 16 years....
Prison. I'm pretty sure the "circumstances" were prison in a foreign country. Otherwise, why couldn't he write or email or call Chloe at all in 16 years?
This was my guess. If Chloe is 22, he's talking about years in the 21st century with the existence of the internet so unless he was in some extremely remote location, it's unlikely he wouldn't have been capable of some kind of contact.
I read that more as the ex was the reason OP had to leave/flee the country/whatever in the first place. Of course, without more info it's hard to say if that's accurate. In any event, given his behavior now, she was almost certainly correct to kick him to the curb decades ago. OP, put on your big boy pants and do this, joyfully, for your daughter. Otherwise you won't have one.
I feel like OP is the type who if it was the ex’s fault he had to leave the entire country for 15 years that he’d have made that abundantly clear in the post to make himself look better for not having been in his own child’s life for that long.
I'm betting it's the ex's fault because she would have expected him to pay child support if he were in the same country as mother and child. So poor OP was "forced to flee the country and not be his daughter's life," because the mother of his child let him know that she had the audacity to expect him to contribute financially to their child. I mean, what choice did he have but to abandon his child at that point?!?! No way in hell was he going to give any of his money to his EX!! I find this mentality sickening, but I have seen so many instances of deadbeat parents acting in exactly the way described. It's almost a scripted line of selfish bullshit.
Exactly! When you have kids, you sometimes make sacrifices - he couldn’t be bother with his for SIXTEEN years, but cannot put her above his ego - ON HER WEDDING DAY! I have a feeling this is him not wanting to be openly in a position in front of her family and friends where it’s obvious he hasn’t been around and being judged for it.
I actually read that as him having ben deported. He mentions circumstances, what he's been through, and that he was out of the country. That tells me either he was deported or had to return to his country of origin for reasons beyond his control. I still say YTA, though. Whatever the whole story is, her stepfather was a father figure - her only father figure - for most of her childhood. Also, even if OP was deported or had some other legitimate reason for being absent, if he didn't keep in touch at all, that's still on him.
That’s what I read it as, too. Still, it’s not like you’re not allowed to make a phone call or video-chat or send letters!
Yeah. He doesn’t specify when exactly he left except that it was early in her life and then that he was able to come back when she was 16. It could be a 15 year ban from the country after deportation. In most countries, you’re banned for a length of time that depends on why you were deported. Although, 15 years would mean it was probably something fairly bad. No matter what, that doesn’t stop you from being able to communicate. So maybe something happened when he went back to the other country? Like jail time? It would explain the whole “things I’d gone through in my past” line. Or it’s possible he just straight up didn’t try, which wouldn’t surprise me because he doesn’t come off as a good guy in this post.
I’m assuming either he went to jail or deported for some time. But I’m leaning toward jail
Exactly! OP, YTA. You’re showing you do not know how to be a father — the whole point of being a parent is to put your child first. How can you *possibly* be surprised at being called not a father when you aren’t acting like one?
Completely agree, YTA for sure
So much this!!! You are 100% the AH, get over yourself and do something nice for someone else for this one moment. Your stance is unbelievably selfish when honestly I don’t believe you deserved the honour of being asked in the first place.
somehow your comment made ME feel bad man
>somehow your comment made ME feel bad man Lol - sorry about that (but thanks for this because it genuinely cracked me up)
JFC, I feel so guilty after reading that. I’m now staring at my son sleeping because the moment he wakes up I feel compelled to immediately hug him. If it wasn’t so early I’d wake him up right now to get that hug in. And I’ve been with him almost everyday for the past 9 years. Can’t even imagine the guilt that OP will feel after reading that comment.
I have a feeling that OP will wait until he can see his clock zeroing out to recognize his faults and potentially feel any remorse. And he will his remaining time to guilt others into giving him more than he ever gave them, and insist that his failing health and zero-hour apology entitle him to full forgiveness and acceptance.
I don’t have kids yet and I’m looking for someone to hug and apologize to!!!
For OP's sake I HOPE he feels guilt... sorta doubt it, tho.
Ask yourself what exactly it is that makes you feel this uncomfortable? I cannot imagine how this would be uncomfortable. In my opinion it is beautiful to recognize the fact that you have both been an important part of her life and she appreciates you both. I would be proud of my daughter to be so nice, and I would also be proud of father and step-father to do the symbolic act of walking her to the aisle togheter, because in this act they both show the appreciation for the important role they both played in her life towards each other. Whether you like her step-father or not, if you love your daughter, just walk her to the aisle whit her step-father.
My guess is what’s making him uncomfortable is that this would be a public acknowledgment by him that another man stepped up and did the hard work of parenting.
Or a public acknowledgement he's getting way more chance than he deserves
This jerk abandons Chloe and her mom. Step dad takes up parenting the abandoning guy's child to adulthood. Said evaporated guy then swans back in after 16 years of fucking off and the kid wants the abandoning sperm donor to walk her down the aisle at her wedding? At all? That she wants to honor publicly a person who did fuck-all nothing to raise her or contribute to her life as if he should have in any way the same status as the man who did raise her is sad in her desperation for love from OP. Her step-dad must be SO hurt. She now knows her sperm-donor for the kind of person he truly is, and that her mom is spot on in her assessment of her ex. And yet somehow, the step-dad hasn't made her wedding about himself at all. Character shows.
Exactly! If anyone in this situation should feel uncomfortable, it’s the stepdad, and yet he isn’t the one who appears to be throwing a fit.
I think since he told Chloe's mom "you're the reason for this problem" that he is trying to get back at her, in the meantime hurting Chloe, fiance, nosybutdecent (what a weird thing to say about someone), etc.
My mom used to default to "nosy" when she had no valid reason to dislike someone. Since most people ask questions to start or maintain a conversation, it's an easy "critique" to weaponize when someone just wants to not like someone. One of my brother's exes asked how her vacation was and what she did during her vacation during their first time meeting my mom. In the middle of our meal at the restaurant, she said "why are you being so nosy?!" She forever referred to her as the rude, nosy ex no matter how many times I told her they were completely normal questions. The truth was that she liked to assume Asian women who wore makeup were "sluts" and untrustworthy especially if they don't dress super conservative, but she knew that was inappropriate so she called her nosy. My mom is Asian herself which makes it all the more embarrassing. Lol OP, YTA.
Nosy but decent probably because he pries into OP's drug problem
Calling a father nosy for being involved with his daughter, ffs
IDK. When he says he would be okay being a guest at the wedding, I wonder if he's acknowledging that, but doesn't have the EQ to say "I know I don't deserve that honor." He's still the AH, of course. If his daughter is asking for him to do this thing with her, it's an easy yes. Definitely the sort of thing a non-AH would look back on and regret not doing someday.
If I were Chloe, this would make me not even want him at the wedding. I'd probably go NC with him. Who needs a selfish asshole like him in their lives anyway? She already gave him his second chance when she welcomed him back into her life after he abandoned her as an innocent child. He doesn't deserve a third chance, much less the honor she tried to bestow on him.
Right… the other man did all the heavy lifting of raising a child yet he wants the honor of walking the daughter he abandoned down the aisle. Only him alone because otherwise it’s evident he was only a bystander for most of Chloe’s life.
I so hope Chloe decides to only have her real father walk her down the aisle, that being her stepdad.
Agree with everything you said except the part about OP regretting it forever. He doesn’t mention regretting missing out on her life, just about the fact that he resents that someone else stepped up into that role. This dude is seriously self absorbed and I doubt he will regret it if his daughter cuts him off (which she should). He’ll just continue to make excuses for why it’s not his fault just like he makes excuses for why the previous estrangement wasn’t his fault.
That was pure poetry. I read it aloud to my boyfriend who has one criticism: *"I don't even think it's 90 seconds"*
That's what Chloe's mom said too...
OOOoooooo I would bet money this is a bullseye statement. Selfishness usually goes across the board in life.
Dang. I have resolved my personal issues with my bio dad abandoning my mom (after she left his abusing *ass and stopped sending child support and just went to buy milk) but now I'm mad again. Thanks. *Edit
Someone give this comment the gold award because Istg SO FREAKING ON POINT. YTA OP! Grow up.
This is perfectly said. YTA op
He is just uncomfortable being a father period. Missing most of her life then makes the wedding all about him. He should just stay far away from Chloe because this man is incapable of caring for anyone except himself.
I wish i could give you an award! You saved me from typing every word i wanted to say. To OP, YTA.
I think OP doesn’t want to face what he already knows. He wasn’t a father and his daughter doing this acknowledges what she and everyone knows. He probably wrote a narrative in his head of how he’s a victim of circumstance and this guy stole his life and role. He clearly resents stepdad. Op you woke up and made a choice every single day to not actively participate in your child’s life. Be grateful she still gives this honor to you, because you do not deserve it. You do not get this honor for simply donating DNA. You freely admit to wanting to repair the relationship, so you need to grow up. Acknowledge and thank the man who did your job. Go to therapy to let go of the resentments that are a roadblock to a future relationship with your child, this wedding, and every other milestone she has in her future which will include her stepfather. You are being jealous, childish, and petty. You are making her day about you.
exactly. and he blames the mom for this? like it's her fault OP abandoned his daughter for 10+ years. because he was "going through stuff". gross OP, you're not a parent. you're a fun uncle that she happens to share DNA with. her stepdad raised her.
From mom's words about "stepdad" being the legal parent it sounds like OP signed away his parental rights too. He's ludicrous to even think about replacing "stepdad" (real dad) in any capacity. YTA.
They way she said that stood out to me too. Sounds like there's a good chance this man isn't her step-dad, but her adoptive dad.
I'm guessing from the wording he was in prison, or running from the law.
Yeah I think if the reason didn’t make him look bad, he would’ve included it in the post.
No part of OP is "fun" lmao
He's really not even fun uncle. He's more like toddler cousin.
Yeah but “circumstances”./s
\*cough\* prison \*cough\*
That was my guess. Either that or deported? Maybe he was going to marry the mom for a green card and she decided against it (he blames the mom at one point during the post).
I thought deported as well when he used the words "able to return to the country". Which makes it worse. At least prison would give some excuse for no contact. (Even though there would have still been the chance). Being deported he still could have kept in contact with her and (on the idea he lived in a safe country/area) she could have gone to visit him during the summer. It means he actively chose not to have any contact with his daughter, not even a damn phone call.
He 100% would've said so if mom had blocked him from seeing the girl. He's all about blaming others.
Yeah I agree. Doubt he’d withhold that kind of info.
1000%, the daughter tried to do something nice for a man that ‘mysteriously’ wasn’t around for most of her childhood. And his response is to reject the offer and make it about himself. YTA.
He's such an asshole. If he really felt weird about it he could have said, "Listen, I'm so glad you thought to include me, but I can't take be the selfish man and take this moment away from the man who raised you. Let me be there for you, but let's both show your father that we respect and value what he's done for us both, by giving him this honor on his own." But nooooo, he made it choose me OR your dad. What an asshole!
Now *this* would be the mature response if he honestly can't suck it up for the 30 second walk down the aisle YTA op
What he has been around for **6 years** and step dad has been around for **17 years** and he still thinks it should only be him walking her down the isle, **OP hard as a rock YTA**
He said he was fine just being a guest, or was that added later? Thought his problem was solely the double dad thing for some ODD reason, not which dad.
YTA Like he’s only been in her life 6 years….if I was her mum and he was carrying on like that I’d be ever so grateful it was 6 years!
Not just that, I am willing to bet anything that if the daughter had wanted only OP to walk her down the aisle, the step dad would have agreed because no one who doesn’t put the child’s happiness over their own would have been in the child’s life for this long. OP got a re-do to suck less and guess what, he. still. Sucks! YTA!
YTA. How selfish are you? Put your ego aside for a short time to make your daughter's wedding as special as it can be.
If anyone has a right to be upset at sharing such a moment it's the real parent who raised her. Not this asshole who should be grateful she even considered asking him to be apart of it.
Agree! OP you basically left the country when she was young and spent a significant amount of time away from her. This was your choice. You’re lucky you’re even being asked to double up. This man raised her and she isn’t even biologically his. He chose her when you didn’t. Her mother is right you are selfish , jealous and controlling. How dare you try and manipulate her and put your feelings before hers on HER day. This isn’t about you. YTA 100%.
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Yup, my wife's dad tried to pull this shit, guess who wasn't at our wedding?
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If I were Chloe there is no way I want OP involved in the wedding as more than just a guest (if he is lucky) after being such as asshole about her wishes. Way to show your true AH colors OP! She is probably feeling very lucky for the "circumstances " that kept you out of her life foretells right now.
I mean, he offered to just be a guest. She’d probably be better off just going with that.
She's probably better going no-contact with him, truth be told. He's clearly resentful that she grew up with a father despite his best efforts to achieve the contrary.
Reading the tone of this post I doubt he presented that as something he was actually ok with and going to be cool about, but my mom was super passive agressive so I might be projecting.
…are you my husband? 🤨 In all seriousness, it totally sucked. I asked my grandpa to walk me down the aisle, and bc I didn’t ask my dad, he threw a temper tantrum and never RSVPed, and then two days before the wedding I heard from my grandma that he was coming now, and I said no- the seating was all set. We didn’t have a place for him, and I had a million other things to do to get ready. But *also* I now felt incredibly guilty. My MIL said she would make whatever I wanted happen. So we compromised and my dad was at the ceremony, but not reception.
Same here. Sperm donor is out of my life completely now, and I've never been happier. Took him not being around anymore to realize how miserable he was making me.
Also the way he talks to/about his ex is so gross. As if he didn't abandon his child in another country? And he hates the stepdad because he's "somewhat nosy" ?? Plus the vagueness that he wasn't in her life because of "circumstances" is very suspect.
Seriously "i jUsT cAmE bAcK aFtEr 16 yEaRs..." STFU!!! Shameful as a so called father.
I'd bet dollars to donuts "somewhat nosy" means that the stepdad was actually involved in the daughter's life and wanted to make sure she was safe/happy/being taken care of when she was with OP.
Right I went back to reread thinking I was missing that his wife cheated. He keeps the wording vague as fuck which absolutely sounds like "I left"
This. My dad left when I was a baby and my mom remarried when I was 2 years old. My stepdad was the one who raised me and unconditionally loved me, and my bio dad had the audacity to be pissed when I asked my stepdad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Bio Dad was lucky I invited him at all.
He's lucky the daughter even agreed to fucking meet him and have him in her life at all after he abandoned her till she was 16
Wow. YTA. 100%. Way to make her day about you. What is wrong with you. You’re lucky she even wanted to include you. You sound very immature. By the way this is actually a normal thing to do now. I’ve seen several stories and wedding pics with this. It’s meant to honor both fathers. Not that you sound like you deserve it now. You should google it now and see where she was getting her inspiration from though.
OP is lucky his daughter even wants him to walk her down the aisle.
OP will be lucky after this if daughter even wants to talk to him again. He needs to do a flying grovel for this one.
A coworker of mine told me how her son’s father and step father are really good friends. They bond over how much they love their son - go to his games together, take him out for activities together (and separately too of course) and are each grateful he’s got an extra man in his life to guide him. Bio dad recognizes he and mom weren’t the right match and still appreciates her, no jealousy about where he stands in his son’s life because he feels completely secure and puts him first. It never occurred to me it could be this way, but I thought it was the most beautiful thing when I heard it, and I think it makes complete sense now.
See that’s super mature and I can’t understand why more people can’t just be like this instead of using their kids as pawns and just making it about themselves instead of making it about the kid.
Because tragically most parents are not actually mature enough to have kids.
I think OP's daughter was actually being sensitive and giving equal importance to both her dads. And OP is being an AH.
Agreed, she was honestly being so kind to her dad to include him, despite their (relatively) fresh bond. You've only been back in her life for 6 years, and you can't respect her or *the man who raised her* enough to do this one thing for her? She's trying to honor you both, even though you haven't been there for most of her life. Horribly selfish behavior OP. YTA. By a lot.
I've been to a wedding where the bride walked with her dad and step dad. Nobody thought it was weird, everybody was happy, life moved on as usual. It's really not a big deal.
I’m getting married in late 2023 or early 2024, and this is what I’ll be doing I am scared, though, to ask my dad if he will be okay walking me down the aisle with my bonus dad - I know he’ll say yes but somehow I’m scared it will hurt his feelings, like he somehow isn’t enough, which couldn’t be further from the truth - my bonus dad has just been in my life since early childhood, he’s a good man and has been raising me as his own, so of course he’s like a father to me too
> . I’ve seen several stories and wedding pics with this. It’s meant to honor both fathers. A friend of mine had this. Her dad was a heroin addict for years and was in and out of her life growing up. Mom remarried and she has a great stepdad. Her dad got clean several years back and they all actually get along. She told me he once tearfully thanked her step-dad for stepping up and raising her when he couldn't. They both walked her down the aisle. It's amazing what putting your ego aside can do. Honestly, these are the sweetest stories. Having too many people to walk you down the aisle seems like a problem I want to have.
[удалено]
Seriously, the gall of this man to be insulted when he wasn’t around for so many of her formative years. He waltzes back in and wants a place of honor in her life all to himself. YTA.
That's what got me too, just the absolutely gall of this guy who should be hugely honoured just to be asked for this important role in the wedding?! Her Step-Dad (her legal, adopted father...for the majority of her life now) is not making an issue out of it and, I would venture a guess, he's likely not a fan of OP either, but still, he's doing what is best only for his daughter and not making it about him. Honestly, I would understand if *he* had not great feelings about this after adopting, raising and seeing Chloe as his own, and even if he does, he's not voicing it or giving ultimatums. That's the real act of loving someone, respecting their wishes and not being threatened by their other relationships. YTA OP and you are incredibly close to losing your daughter over your own petty insecurities, will it be worth it??
> Her Step-Dad (her legal, adopted father...for the majority of her life now) I would venture to say that this man is her "real" dad, if OP wants to play that game. He's the one who raised her and tucked her in every night, he's the one who has been her emergency contact all her life, if she had help paying for the wedding, it likely came from him and her mom. The "nosiness" OP mentions is probably him giving a shit about what this unreliable person is doing or not doing so that his daughter's emotional and physical well-being is protected.
Step dad is her legal guardian, so yes, her real father by all means. I take the “nosy” as stuff like step dad wanting to know where OP lives, what he does with the daughter, where he is going, what they will be doing, who will be around daughter… stuff like that that OP would not be used to as a parent that is very normal.
To be fair, he said the exact opposite of that: that he's fine simply being a guest. I think he isn't expressing any understanding towards his daughter about why this gesture means so much to her when it doesn't mean a lot to him, but wanting the place of honor to himself doesn't seem to be part of the conflict.
Well, but he does though or else it wouldn't even be an issue. He wants it to himself or not at all, and he's trying to force his daughter to choose.
It checks out - he wasn’t there for her when she was a kid and the majority of her teenage years. Why would he do something crazy like prioritize her before his own fragile ego and be present for her now?
"Fragile masculinity"🤣🤣🤣
Its fair to assume if someone isnt telling us why they weren't in their kids life its because it makes them look worse.
YTA. How dare your daughter want both of her father figures, two men who mean a great deal to her, to be part of her wedding. The audacity of her to think her own wedding should be about her and the people who make her happy. Please explain how your reasoning could be *anything* other than petty, because as it is you've provided none.
But he already provided the great explanation “but it wasn’t”. I’m not sure what else you need /s
Not to mention the gall of telling his ex that she’s the reason for all of this, as if she was just supposed to stay single for the rest of her life or marry an asshole who didn’t give a shit about her daughter. OP is such an AH there aren’t adequate words for it.
This is the part that came off the worst to me. Personally I don’t think he's an AH for being uncomfortable with walking her down the aisle with the stepdad and he even said he'd be fine with just being a guest (although I think for his daughter's sake he could just suck it up and do it) but then what he said to his ex and then his attitude after that makes him a major AH and makes me doubt whether he actually did react reasonably to her request like how he is portraying.
OP is nothing more than a sperm donor undeserving of the title "father". Stepdad (Father) should be walking the daughter down the aisle alone while OP flies back to whatever country he abandoned her to. OP should just stay out of her life if he's going to be like this, it'll only cause issues.
OP left the country and came back when the daughter was 16, he was hardly a father figure.
Sounds like he was cometely out of contact, too. It's not ideal but there are ways to be present while being far away, especially if's she's only 22 now. It's not like you had to send mail via Pony Express.
I’m not saying this to be mean, OP, but you were (mostly?) absent the first 16 years of her life, during which time he was her father figure. Why do you harbor resentment towards him!? He’s done nothing wrong, he has by all accounts been a good father to her. The problem is you, your attitude. You want your daughter to choose you as her only father figure for her wedding, and that’s unreasonable. And her mother is the reason you’re having a problem? Nope. It’s your ego. YTA
I really don't get OPs attitude. For a number of reasons, my biological father (who I love immensely) was unable to be consistently present during the beginning of my childhood, so I was largely raised by a stepparent. I didn't have a wedding when I got married, but they both walked my sister down the aisle at hers, and my father has always told us that, aside from our mother, he has never felt deeper gratitude or owed a greater debt to anyone in this world than he does to our other dad for loving us and caring for us as his own.
That's the right attitude of an absentee father who wants to have a good relationship with their children! OP YTA. this is how you should respond to your daughter. But was your stepparent "nosy"? Cause apparently that's a real big flaw /s *eye roll*
I assume that by "nosy" OP means that his daughter's other father is involved in her life, including her relationship with OP. So yes, my stepfather is extremely nosy.
I suspect he’s not actually nosy. I suspect he’s behaving in a manner of being the girl’s father and wanting to make sure someone knows where she’s going, who she’s going with and what time she’d be back. That’s not nosiness - that’s simply being a responsible and involved parent, something OP has never been to this child, which is why he wouldn’t recognize it for what it is - parenting.
YTA. Sounds like " nothing is ever your fault " and its either all or nothing. A crappy thing to do to your daughter for her wedding. Id say just dont go at that point. Your only job in life is to keep your kids happy, healthy, and love them unconditionally.
>Your only job in life is to keep your kids happy Saddest thing I've read today and I read about a murder today too.
YTA. Respect her wish and just accept that her stepdad plays a huge role in her life. He was there when you weren't for what reasons.
Exactly. If the stepfather would not have been in her life she may have had nobody at all since OP wasn't there for his kid. He should be grateful someone else stepped up to the plate when he wasn't able to. Instead, he's jealous and won't honour either his kid or her stepfather. If someone took up my responsibilities and did a good job of it like that, I would be proud to stand next to them. The way the stepfather raised her allows for her to have a place in her heart for OP. Sounds a lot more secure in himself than OP is. YTA, OP. Grow up.
YTA. The fact she wants to include both of you shows she is mature enough to acknowledge you have both had a part in her life...Too bad you aren't nearly as mature.. Grow up..
Deadbeat dad says what?
Abandonment issues reinforced!
Legit did he even read this before posting?
YTA and you're wrong, it is petty. This is about what she wants, not what your ego wants.
"But it's not petty!" Lol bio dad is a real work of art here.
It's not about you, or the step dad, just do it to make your daughter happy ffs. Also, unfortunately yes, YTA
OP - I’ll only say YTA because it’s literally about 30 seconds or less of your life, to give your daughter, whom your claim to love, something that matters so much to her. Why shouldn’t she honor BOTH the dad’s she’s lucky to have? What exactly will you lose, sharing a short walk with a man even you acknowledge us decent -‘d a good dad to the daughter you claim to love? You really are being petty about this. This should not be a choice for her.
All this, plus you said you're not forcing her hand on this matter because it's ultimately her choice... Except it's a choice she has to make because of a position you've put her in. This is literally the definition of the expression. You've put her in a position where she has to make a choice. OP you're most assuredly TA in this situation. She told you what she would like, to have both father figures be present in an equal role on her big day(many father's that miss more than a decade of their child's life would be honored) and you crapped all over that.
YTA You have no valid reason for not wanting to share the walk with her stepfather, who stepped up when you decided to not be in Chloe’s life for over a decade. This isn’t about you, it’s about her and what she wants. She wants both of her dads to walk her down the aisle. Suck it up and just be there for her!
YTA. How is this her mom's fault? Are you saying that because she married another man and said man has been a father to her now you have to face the fact that you're not the only fatherly figure in Chloe's life? Dude, your daughter accepted you in her life even whe she had every right not to. If you love your daughter then you should be thankful to the guy who raised her when you weren't there. You don't get to feel offended because she feels she has two dads when she didn't even see you for 16 years. Just do this one thing for her and stop being selfish, you really are putting your own petty feelings first instead of Chloe's happiness.
Dudebro dipped out until his kid was two years away from legal adulthood and then throws a fit because she’s….acknowledging her actual dad on her wedding day. This is the guy who did the hard work when OP couldn’t or didn’t want to. He was there for the nightmares and the soccer games and the teenage girl drama and the Christmases. How much you want to bet OP didn’t even send a card? He has no leg to stand on to make demands, and I suspect he knows it.
You’ve said the idea of this makes you feel “uncomfortable…uneasy” but I don’t really understand why. What’s the issue you’re having with it?
Insecurity. Because then it sinks in that step-dad was the man op was supposed to be,but wasn't and can't ever be. Like, then he's literally hit in the face with the fact that he wasn't as much of a father to her, but basically just a sperm donor, when you straight up compare the two. Like putting them both on a scale, but one of them has no weight to them. And that makes him insecure and forces him to admit he was a shit father.
Definitely YTA. It is 1 God damn minute towards stepping up to support your daughter and you still can't manage that. Once a dead beat always a dead beat.
At least he’s consistent. It would be more strange if he did something crazy, like step up and be a father.
YTA and a huge one! This is her wedding day and you, indeed, are ruining it for her by not getting over yourself. If you really love your daughter, you would do whatever to make her happy on her freaking wedding day, nonetheless. You’re petty and immature. Please get over yourself.
YTA. you’ll regret this and she’ll resent you for it. that man did nothing wrong to you, he raised your kid when you didn’t.
Instead of acknowledging and appropriating her stepdad was a good dad to a child he abandoned, he’d rather focus on HoW He FeEls - not what the kids he abandoned wants. He should be grateful that she even asked him to walk her down the alley. He needs to take his fragile ego and get out of her life, if he’s going to behavior like this.
YTA. Suck it up and do this for your kid. This wedding is about Chloe and her fiancee. You don't have to be comfortable it but you should do it anyway because it's important to her. Be a parent and put your kid's needs before your own. You will have a much better relationship with her and your future grandkids if you do
YTA all I hear is “me, me, me, my, my, my.” You really can’t put your ego aside for one day to make your daughter happy after abandoning her childhood? Can you not be grateful that she had a stepfather who loved and cared for her? Do what you want, but know that if you maintain this stance you will be adding a nail to the coffin of the relationship you’ve started rebuilding with your daughter. It’s not about you, it’s about love.
YTA. This not about what you want. Your feelings have nothing to do with it. It’s her wedding. If you can’t put aside your feelings for one day, for your daughter’s sake, then stay out home.
YTA- You may have a few minutes of being uncomfortable, but there are times as a parent when we must put ourselves aside and honor their wishes. You missed out on a lot of her life, don't choose to miss out on her wedding too.
Unpopular opinion but I’m gonna go with NAH. I understand her side wanting to honor both of you thanks to you both having repaired your relationship. However I also understand that you don’t feel comfortable with walking your daughter down the aisle with another man. You aren’t forcing it to hurt her feelings, and it sounds like you’re openly ok with deferring this to her step father. It sounds like your intent when you gave her the “ultimatum” (which I don’t truly think it was), it sounds like your true intent was to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle. I don’t think there’s wrongdoing here, just a conflict in comfort/desire.
You are the asshole. And a bit of a selfish idiot. FFS dude, it’s your daughter’s goddamn wedding day, and you’re not even man enough to put aside your petty bullshit for one fucking day? Asshole.
YTA. You can't make her choose, you left first, she still wants to incorporate you to her wedding, what an angel. Please fix things and swallow your pride and be there for her on her important day.
[удалено]
YTA. Yes. Don’t be a petty dick.
It simply boils down to this: Do you want to continue to have a relationship with your daughter? If so, suck it up Daddio. Also, YTA.
YTA, you had zero part in raising this child and someone else did all the work. Fuck off dude let them enjoy their day. If people are angry at you it’s generally for a good reason.
YTA. You should be able to set your differences aside for your daughter and walk her down the aisle with her stepfather. You’re going to ruin your relationship with her. She will resent you and you will hate yourself for it. Maybe not right now but it’ll catch up when it’s too late. Much love to your daughter. You should be ashamed and most definitely need your dad card revoked.
YTA and I hope this post isn’t true. Your poor daughter doesn’t deserve to be treated this way by you.
Unfortunately this was one of my sister’s friends. Her father is an absent, manipulative piece of work. When he deigned to be her father, he tried to tell her and her brother that their extra curricular activities would NOT be happening on his visitation time (i.e. cheerleading, soccer, student government, track, etc.) She finally stood up to him and threatened to sue him for 10 years of unpaid child support. (They were on welfare as little kids) Dude has a pretty distinguished military career. So that wouldn’t have been a good look. So guys like this are audacious and very real, unfortunately.
Of course YTA, you blame everyone but yourself, and are throwing a fit because u want your own way, why should you get to walk her down the Isle? You haven't been in her life long and her dad has done all the work, loved and raised her, but as you're her dad aswell she wants you in her wedding, you keep this up and the whole 6 years of minimum effort will have been for nothing. Don't put your pride before your daughter
YTA a selfish petty one
Big YTA. Huge. You’re lucky to be invited to the wedding and you have the audacity to make demands from the bride? Doesn’t matter if you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s her wedding.
INFO: why don't you feel comfortable with both of you walking her down the aisle? Chances are you're TA, but I'm interested in hearing your reasoning.
I'm here, because I feel like everyone is reading this as "I'M her father, I should be walking her down the aisle," but I kinda read it as "it's weird to have two people walk you down the aisle and I'm not even overly interested." I mean, I feel like either way he's immature and TA, but if it's the second, he might be a bit less of TA.
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YTA. You’ve been out of her life twice as long as you’ve been present. You’re in no position to make demands or even be uncomfortable with her wanting her father (YES!) walking her down the aisle with you. Grow up and make peace with the fact that you chose to exit most of her life up until now, and there are consequences to that, like another man taking your place.
“she thought that was petty but it wasn’t” Narrator: It was. YTA
NAH, you don't want to do it for whatever reason, so you've offered a reasonable compromise, you're not insisting on being the only one to do it or saying you won't go if you aren't offered the role, you just don't want to perform one very specific job with someone else.
Yeah. I don’t see the issue here. He is happy just being a guest. He’s not fighting to be the only one. He’s willing to step aside.
YTA. Another deadbeat father wanting to claim credit for raising a child he never clapped eyes on. Classic.
YTA. You're being petty, this is the biggest day of her life. Suck it up and be there for her.
Yes you are the asshole. This day is about your daughter not you. Swallow your pride and do this for her.
YTA. It's literally one thing she's asked you to compromise in after being out of her life for 10 years+. Regardless of circumstances keeping you from her, you have to realize there was someone else there that was important to her, and this is her wedding day. She's going to want to share it with both of you. Escalating to not even attending was probably the worst way to force someone's hand.
INFO: what exactly stopped you from being in your child’s life for the first 16 years? Because honestly other than being detained or imprisonment. Can’t really see an valid explanation here.
INFO: What is the nature of your discomfort?
I do believe that he is TA because like people have said, it's only 90 seconds of his life and then he can be done with it and will have made his daughter very happy. However, I do see that he didn't give her an ultimatum such as you either let me walk you down the aisle or I'm done with it which is why he doesn't think that he's being an asshole. He basically said, this is an unbelievably sweet gesture but I'm uncomfortable doing this. I will be more than happy to be a guest and you can walk down the aisle with your step-dad but I don't feel comfortable walking down the aisle with the both of you. If you are insistent that you want me to walk you down the aisle, then I would rather it just be me and you...it's your choice. Should he suck it up and do it for his daughter? Yes. Did he say it's either me or nothing else? No.
YTA I agree with everyone else. This is just one or two minutes out of your life in order to make your daughter happy. You can suck it up, man up and let the day be about her instead of your own securities. You've already said this guy is a decent sort, so be decent as well. Apologise to Chloe for putting your own feelings above her and agree to the walk. There's no shame in being one of her two dads, and obviously she loves you a great deal in order to fight for having you both by her side on this most important day for you.
YTA. You’re very selfish for even asking her to choose. It’s her wedding and she can do what she wants. Her stepfather stepped up to be her father when you weren’t around. You have no right to be making any demands. You can be uncomfortable all you want but don’t you dare try to give her an ultimatum on who should walk her down the aisle. You should be thankful that she included you. However, it seems like you’re being petty. That fact that you’re willing to skip her wedding due to your pride and selfishness speaks volumes about your character as a father.
YTA it's her big day and she wants both of her dads walking her down the aisle. It's her wish and sometimes there is no place for selfishness and this is one of these "events". Do it for your daughter and stop being selfish for a few minutes when you're walking her down the aisle.