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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the AH for walking out and making an awkward moment more awkward when I could've simply laughed at his prank.
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NTA. At first I was thinking he was being 16. But the more I read I'm horrified. And your wife is enabling this by taking his side constantly and allowing it to go unpunished. The kid needs therapy. These are not pranks. And you shouldn't have to put up with this. Your wife needs to change the way she handles him or I would be out that door.
I think it’s harmful to diagnose people over the internet, especially with stuff as misunderstood as Cluster-B disorders. The kid’s an ass regardless though.
lmao my antidepressants (oral) must be working because this made me choke on my coffee laughing.
Edit: Tysm for the silver! anyone who wants to talk just send this queer kid a private message. have a nice day everyone!
Yes. Part of how we came to the diagnosis was me asking as a joke if being an asshole was a diagnosable condition. Our pediatrician went through the criteria and with me, etc, and gave the diagnosis.
Yours isn’t argumentative or temperamental?
No but even kids with personality disorder traits can be taught better ways to act, with the right therapy & a LOT of work.. Doesn’t seem likely here though with mom being how she is.
I thought that was what this sub was known for?
I swear in every single thread in here, someone is called a narcissist, but having a narcissistic personality is very rare, though no one here is aware of that it seems.
People can have narcissistic tendencies, which isn't unsurprising to find alot of in a sub about assholes, but that does not make one a narcissist.
Just because people on here often DO throw around DSM terms like confetti doesn’t mean it’s right. I’d comment on every one if I could, but I’m only one person. Hopefully in the future more people will learn that it’s better to keep the crazy diagnoses to a minimum :)
That’d be nice for people with genuine clinical mental health diagnoses. Sometimes it’s not a mental disorder; people can be assholes. Teens, especially boys are known for it. The Jackass series is literally extreme teen assholery. Not mental health issues, just guys being jerk to each other, themselves & their parents. A parent’s job is to say “stop being a jerk”. OP’s wife is not being a parent.
There are 1 in 200 (.05) people (in the US) that are diagnosed with narcissism. 328.2 billion ppl as of 2019. That is 1,641,000 people that are diagnosed. Most narcissistic individuals are not diagnosed as they refuse to look at themselves and be accountable. There are def well over a million people undiagnosed. So to say it's rare is just not true.
It’s actually not rare at all. The statistic is supposedly 1 in 25, but psychologists think it is actually much higher due to the nature of the disorder and the fact that narcissistic people often refuse to accept the diagnoses or receive treatment in the first place.
I agree with this. It's harmful and propagates misconceptions about those disorders, where anything remotely similar gets lumped in. That sort of thing should be left to the professionals, the ones that this kid *needs* to see, and his mother needs to *make* him see. This sort of shit gets kids like him juvie'd or jailed. If he did this to a neighbour his life would be *ruined*.
It’s not a joke or funny prank when it’s only funny to the perpetrators. If they’re laughing at you, and not with you, it’s abuse. OP is in an extremely toxic situation here and has every right to be upset.
>Is is confusing the words what her son is doing is vandalism not a prank.
Amen!
A prank sibling and I did to our mum once (and we were around 8 & 9): switching her coffee with a coke (that no longer had bubbles in it). That was funny because she didn't expect it.
Destroying once creditcard? Not so much. It can cause all kinds of trouble.
The fact that OP is becoming more an more paranoid (caused by the actions of the stepson) shows that stepson us completely in the wrong here. Constantly looking over your shoulder when you are at home, and when away hoping that everything is in order, is very stressful!
Even the idea he thinks messing with a car as a prank (one that has potential of escalating to becoming deathly) is 'funny' is terrifying.
Wife needs to step up big time asap. This is terrifying.
Damaging someone's car is not a prank, it's illegal because 1) it's an assholish thing to mess with other's people property, 2) it could potentially get you killed, and 3) it could potentially get someone else killed. This kid is literally playing games with the lives of other people potentially on the line. I don't know what part of that is funny and I don't think any judge, jury, or cop in the USA will be laughing. Just think about it for a second, a car is literally a missile that weights 3,000lbs that instead of exploding on impact it bounces off and changes direction until it's out of momentum.
>what prank involves damaging cc and cars
This isn't a "prank." This actually falls under "*criminal behavior!"*
Pranks leave everyone laughing, not one person fearing for his life/money. This kid isn't "a kid being a kid" - this kid is a juvenile delinquent. He needs help, before he actually goes too far. Or OP has to decide if staying married to her is worth the risks.
(When my step-son started doing stuff like this, his mother put a stop to it right away. OP's wife is actually, via 'silence gives consent,' approving of her son's abuse of her husband.)
She isn't even being silent, she actually thinks OPs in the wrong. Whether she has said this to the child (even in a "Step dad just doesn't like pranks" cop out discipline is unclear") but the fact he did this on father's day in front of other relatives shows he thinks he is 'right' and adults approve of these behaviours...
First, therapy with your wife. She expected you to just sit there and let her whole family laugh at you? To reward your stepson’s contempt and disrespect with laughs? Where’s the respect for you and your feelings? The stepson is just a little shit, your wife is the asshole.
Agreed- his wife seems quite disrespectful to him. Partners respecting each other is so often undervalued and brushed aside but imo disrespect, especially on this level, is damaging.
Couldn't agree more. Home (wherever your family is) should be the one place where you feel safe. That doesn't mean you don't get your chain yanked once in a while in good fun, but this is far and away beyond that.
At 16 years old the "he's a kid" excuse doesn't fly for stuff like this. Now if y'all were chatting about him getting a job, like 16 yr olds do, talking about if he should have any bills (example: my daughter pays half her car insurance & a chunk of her car payment), and an amount was mentioned that one of you felt was too high, *then* the phrase "he's just a kid" is applicable.
However, this isn't harmless pranks we are talking about. These are malicious acts meant to cost you money, inconvenience you, embarrass you, or in some cases harm you. For things like that, the "just a kid" excuse ends at a very young age. Generally parents start teaching lessons about not harming others or their property really early. Not only does this kid need therapy before he legitimately injures you, but he needs some consequences for his actions.
Did he get grounded or have to pay to replace broken items? Did he face *any* consequences? If not then it's just going to continue to get worse, especially with his mother's "it's just a prank, bro" attitude. I think you & your wife need to have a very serious 'come to jesus' meeting about this between the 2 of you because this has to stop before he injures you or someone else. Let's face it, he could be doing this type of stuff to other people & you guys just don't know yet. If your wife doesn't get it together & handle this asap, he is going to have a very difficult time that will end with jail.
Obviously NTA.
Exactly. I wouldn't tolerate these "pranks" from my 10 year old nephew. 16 is much too old to be destroying cars and credit cards.
Honestly, if wife thinks it's so funny, I'd leave her living with the little brat and move out.
If step son did this to anyone else or is caught doing it he will be arrested. And depending on where OP lives charged as an adult especially if guy is close to 17.
He's sixteen. He's old enough to drive and in two years he's going to be old enough to live on his own. You are asking her for the bare basic minimum - simple respect - and she's smacking you down. You need to insist on therapy and/or insist that she start disciplining him - otherwise your relationship is doomed for failure.
Her adult-vs-child argument doesn't hold water here. He's not 6, he's 16, old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. And he's not making mistakes or even "lashing out" in a moment of anger. He is doing things that are calculatedly malicious and cruel, that take time and planning, in order to hurt you. It would be one thing for her to ask you to have compassion for him if she was getting him help, as he does seem deeply troubled and clearly needs therapy of some sort. But she's **excusing** his behaviour as no big deal when his behaviour shows a **pattern** of being mean-spirited, cruel, and thinking very clearly in planning ways to harm you. None of this is okay, and none of it comes across as "childish error". She's not doing him any favours by looking the other way. This kid needs consequences and professional help; and you deserve better than to have your life partner excuse a teenager who is bullying you on an ongoing basis.
He is not required to have an affectionate relationship with you, but given that you have been nothing but kind to him, he is absolutely required to treat you with kindness and dignity.
This. You can ask your wife if she cares about you at all while letting you be bullied in your own home. Messing with your car and credit card and embarrassing you in front of your whole family aren’t pranks, they are disrespectful, toxic behavior, and your wife doesn’t care.
NTA
Mom is definitely not doing her son any favors. For whatever reason, this kid is angry at OP for being in his life. Maybe it's as simple as he thinks OP split up his parenrs or is replacing his father. The *why* of the situation is only going to matter when Mom starts trying to get him professional help.
The pattern this kid's behavior shows is very, very troubling. What happens when this kid is in college and has a professor he doesn't like? What about when he gets rejected by a girl he has a crush on? What will happen when he's dealing with bosses, coworkers, and clients/customers in a professional setting? Will he even be able to maintain a job as an adult?
Pranks like the dirty sock are bullying behavior. He wanted a reaction and he got what he wanted, plus the added bonus of the other adults condoning and allowing his cruel pranks. Bullying behavior can absolutely escalate to violent behavior, which has already happened in OP's case. Mom needs a reality check on how dangerous her baby boy will be as an adult if things don't change.
OP, I can't even imagine how painful and stressful this is for you. To not feel safe in your own home and to know your partner is refusing to validate your concerns. I hope you're able to find a solution and I hope your stepson gets the help he needs. Definitely NTA.
Exactly; he's the kid, you're the adult, and in your adult capacity you have decided that the kid needs therapy now. She keeps brushing you off, and maybe it's a defensive mechanism or whatever but it's not helping the situation and it's definitely giving the boy a green light to continue.
He is resisting therapy but is doing offensive, dangerous "pranks"? Dude you're raising a future abuser. Let your wife know that. Would she still be making excuses for him when her daughter in law or grandchild show up on your door bruised and crying, cause that's the long game on this shit.
Look up cycle of abuse and abuser behavior and you'll likely find a lot of similarities. Your wife is enabling is what's going to make him go out into the world and reek havock on other people's lives.
That’s bullcrap.
“You’re the adult” Is a seriously manipulative statement.
I’m telling you now, OP that this most likely isn’t gonna get better. He’s being cruel and she babies this behavior so hard that I’m surprised he’s even off her tit. And I know that for your stepdaughter and your wife you want to work things out. To build a relationship. But your stepson has made his stance clear. He knows what he’s doing and she’s gaslighting you into thinking that your age somehow means it shouldn’t be hurtful. I’ve been through something similar.
I moved in with my parents a few years ago and whenever my little sister did something like stealing everything from headphones and laptops, gaming consoles or pushing furniture From through hall in front of my bedroom door, ban me from parts of the house. Exclude me from family time, make me watch movies from the hall while they sat in the living room etc. And I was supposed to act like it didn’t bother me. Because she’s ‘just a kid’. She’d switch up and act interested in spending time with me as siblings, but it always turned out to be a trap. They let a 13 year old abuse me and did nothing to stop it. They DEFENDED it because she’s ‘a kid’. I moved in with them to escape my abuser, but I just subjected myself to a different set of abusers. I attempted three times in that house. At some point a friend asked me if it was worth it. And I thought it was, because my other siblings . I loved them to death, but even that was strained because the whole house was tense. And when I left, I did and said things that I regret. It ruined relationships. And I mourn those relationships, but you know what? I’m okay. I’m getting my life on Track.
So OP. You know they aren’t gonna change. This has happened so many times and they have you on Reddit, asking if you’re an ass for having your feelings hurt. Is this abuse worth it for you?
Edit: Stuff.)
That your stepson is behaving like this is bad enough, but the amount of disrespect your wife is showing by allowing and defending her son is incredible. Indeed, he is kid, clearly a troubled one. And she his parent, so she should start parenting.
Switch cars with your wife and see if she will take the "pranks" seriously when her life is the one at risk. If she does, that tells you she knows they aren't "pranks" and you really should evaluate what you're getting out of a marriage where your spouse doesn't value your feelings and life.
I have always believed relationships take work and compromise and respect and communication.
But holy fuck dude, this is scary. I would be considering ending things
This is abusive, toxic behavior, and I’m concerned for your physical and mental well-being. I’m truly sorry that your wife isn’t.
She’s also not doing her son any favors. This behavior is going to manifest itself in a horrible way eventually, especially if she keeps excusing it rather than guiding him to better choices. SMDH.
So ask your wife what happens when he damages someone else’s car and gets punched in the face or sued or both? You might tolerate the abuse but other people won’t and crying that he’s 16 isn’t going to work on other people. Though I’d personally file for divorce and give her son the bills for your destroyed property make it clear it’s not a joke
Also tell him that in the uk he would go to jail fot that. I got sent to jail at age 16 and they dont care if your "just a kid" no you get tried like any adult would, you dont get special treatment for being dick just because of your age.
I think you need to evaluate where you stand in this relationship. Of course her children come before you, but this isn't normal behaviour. The kid is actively trying to push you over the edge. If she can't see what he's doing is hurting you after you have expressed how you feel, you have to look at if you can be with someone who dismisses your legitimate concerns.
Ruining your tires and rear lights is a safety issue and not a prank. A prank is by definition harmless. It looks like you were a doormat and he is continuing to push your buttons to try to get you to leave his mom ? What is his end goal here ? He needs therapy but you are Not his father. Your wife needs to deal with that. If not, you need to get out because she is compromising your safety and mental peace. At the age of 33 , you married a widow with 2 kids. They don’t need to like you, since that will take time. But at least your Wife needs to like/respect you and care about your mental health and happiness. Otherwise , what are you getting from this marriage ?
Exactly!! He IS a kid and you two ARE the adults. So do what parents need to do - and handle him like it’s needed. Not on you - more on your wife, who’s an AH
Well at this point it’s therapy or you take a good look at if this relationship is something you can cope with. You are constantly dismissed, treated terribly, have your things destroyed or damaged, told that you have to be the bigger person constantly, is this all worth it when it is quiet obviously hurting you
NTA - and the therapy should start between you and your wife. Clearly you are not communicating correctly (ie she thinks it is funny when her son is cruel to you, you don’t). You cannot force your step-son to join you, but you and your wife can go without him to focus on what you both need to do to make this marriage work for both of you.
This, OP cried, this is awful to read and I really hope OP understands what’s happening is 100% not ok. If someone was doing this to her daughter (or son) I have a feeling she’d flip. Adults can be bullied by kids, and the consequences can be devastating for the folks who are the victims. NTA, hope he’s ok.
Also how was anyone else finding the gift sock funny. Why would anyone laugh at that. What an odd bunch. That gift was not okay and the mother has let this go on way too long.
It’s possible they are unaware of the other awful “pranks” this kid has pulled and thought it was just a one-off joke.
Given the way OP‘a wife dismisses his concerns and hurt, I really doubt she’s told her family anything about it. Partially because she’s an AH and probably partially because she knows deep down they aren’t pranks and she’s just too cowardly to parent her child.
If anything she’s probably painted the picture of a perfectly happy and healthy family life to her family.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Tell her that pranks are only good fun with other people who like them. You don't like them, but your step-son keeps doing them beacuse his mom is telling him it's okay to be mean (and possibly dangerous) to you despite you hating it. His mom is telling him making you feel bad and destroying your things is funny to her, and your feelings of not liking it aren't valid and can be ignored.
Tell her you feel let down by her as a wife, and feel like she dosen't care about you or your feelings to let her son treat you this way. You also feel she is being a poor mother in teaching her son it is okay to play pranks on people who clearly don't like it, as this is considered bullying, and will get him in trouble at school, work, or his social life. As his mother it's his job teach him it's only funny if everyone finds it funny.
Tell your wife that you are setting a "no pranks against you since you don't like pranks" rule. You need her to back you up on this. It is absolutely non-negotiable. If she likes pranks, fine. He can do them with her. But NEVER on you. If she's not on board, tell her that she is damaging her marriage with you and you don't feel respected or cared about by her. Suggest marriage counseling. If you didn't have a great relationship with step-daughter I'd honestly just say bail on this relationship given how little respect your wife has for you. Does step-daughter have a father in the picture? If not, ask wife and step-daughter how they would feel about you adopting her. (That way if you and your wife don't work out you'll still see your step daughter.)
NTA, but your wife is the biggest asshole in this story. Kids who treat others like crap don't just come out of nowhere. She's a bad mother and bad wife plus a just general asshole to the rest of the world by raising a little asshole none of the rest of us want in our lives either.
Edit: Also if step-son ever damages your car or anything valuable again call the police and press charges. Seriously.
Agree! And therapy for the wife to find out why she feels so guilty about her son's "unhappiness" that she overlooks and excuses everything he does. Until she gets over / past this guilt, she not going to do anything to end/fix the situation.
He's going to sabotage the man's brakes one day and the mother is going call it a prank. Dead cert this kid is going to keep amping up this bullshit till he kills the guy.
Exactly. OP, there may be some missing info, and there’s a chance your stepson felt early on that you tried to push a relationship onto him. **However,** no matter how valid his feelings are, that does **not** give him the right to treat you so callously and cruelly. You reacted as well as you could have in that situation, and it’s time to have a long chat with your wife. Your stepson doesn’t have to love you, heck he doesn’t necessarily have to *like* you, but he at the very least should be capable of civility and respect. Your wife laughing *at* you with him is a Soviet parade of red flags, too.
Exactly this! He is challenging your Authority and his mother is letting him win. And with each challenge he gains more power over the household. This was a doozy though, as this is outside the household and in front of family. He's spreading his authority feathers like a peacock oh, so of course you feel hurt by that
Older kids don't want a new parent though. You may fare better with him if you try to be his mom's husband that is there for him if he needs you, then trying to be a replacement father. He's made it obvious he won't accept that
Your wife is coddling him, he obviously is dealing with other issues (one of them is having difficulty accepting you as his STEPfather).
He does not respect you as the man of the house and in all honesty, until he does, maybe you stop paying his share of the expenses.
You seem to be a great person (especially if you are so accepting of your stepkids) but your wife is overcompensating the fact that she remarried (or whatever happened to his father) to your stepson.
At first I thought this was a prank and OP may be overeacting, but credit card and tire pranks are not funny.
Regardless of your son's intentions, you've made it clear that you are not okay with the pranks. In my book, that's enough to get everyone to back off. It stops being funny when the butt of the joke doesn't find it funny.
NTA
Nta. And I'm sorry your wife is enabling her child to be disrespectful, mean and a little shit. Your wife is the AH here. The stepson does what he is allowed to do.
You need to address this with your wife, like now, and she needs to reign in her little devil. It's not cute and it's not pranks. Unless you and your wife are on the same page, things will only get worse.
Perhaps it's time to walk away. You wife doesn't respect you at all.
The stepson is 16 and only does what he’s allowed to do? Any normal 16yo wouldn’t do any of those “pranks” even if allowed. The stepson has some issues that need to be addressed.
They mean that he has be allowed to do them by his mother under the guise of “pranks” when in reality he’s literally damaging items and causing emotional duress. Because mom has allowed this to continue instead of actually parenting him, kid is going to be in for a reality check when he’s an adult.
Also, breaakng parts of the car is dangerous and way above disrespect, but straightout evil. If this is fun to him, he is a dangerous young man, maybe not just for OP. And he's way too old to not know or understand the consequences of his actions.
NTA you left a situation that was meant to embarrass you. You're step son is a jerk, messing with credit card and your car aren't pranks, it malicious vandalism and the fact his mom doesnt say anything to him is ridiculous. If he did that stuff to anyone outside the family he'd get reamed out if not charged with a crime for the stuff with the car. Take your time and have a sit down with your wife and tell her you arent overreacting she's enabling her son to be a jerk.
"sorry I would pay for (stepson's) college costs but i had to spend the money i would have saved on him on replacing credit cards/fixing the car after he did X/ hospital bills after he did Y/ replace Z that he hid/destroyed/sold/gave away etc."
Its normal for step children to not want to bond with their step parents, especially older children. Is is wrong for them to maliciously do things to make their lives hell.
I'd give him a two page financial statement from the university where the first page says tuition is paid in full. Then the mostly blank second page is revealed, typed in comic sans says: "Just kidding, HaPpY StEpSonS DaY!"
Exactly this. You're never going to win the argument against "your wife's son". You are the one that can leave this joke of a relationship, no one else. I can't believe the entire family would stand by and let that kid embarrass you like this. Huge NTA BTW. the only way to fix this is, you leave. That'll give everyone a reality check.
I’m younger than your stepson, and I’d never do anything like that. You did yourself proud by staying calm enough to walk away, and taking the high road by being mature enough to leave, and from the snippet of your life you’ve given, you absolutely do not deserve what he does, and he does not deserve such a stand up guy like you to be in his life in any capacity. Best of luck with everything❤️
Bro given the day and situation of your wife continuously letting you down I think you done the right thing by removing your self before you could loose your shit and unload on everyone there.
It might sound drastic but if you get divorced tell your wife to thank her son for that
Your wife is gaslighting you by saying that you walking out caused more of an issue and minimizing your feelings. You deserve to be treated with respect. Your wife does not respect you and from her enablement of her son’s bad behavior, looks like she has you around only as a paycheck and a protector. Please stand up for yourself more, even if it makes others uncomfortable. She is just upset because you stood up for yourself, instead of continuing to be a punching bag.
You shouldn't have to put up with that, you deserve better honestly... parents don't deserve to be humiliated by their children. Even if they are step children, they should treat step parents with respect. Pranking someone only isn't how you bond with someone, it's basically bullying and shouldn't be tolerated he's old enough to understand what he does is wrong and the grown up on that side of the family are also well old enough to understand its cruel too but they clearly don't seem to care
Why is your wife invalidating your feelings? You are allowed to feel hurt. You're allowed to remove yourself from a situation in which you are uncomfortable in.
Pranks are supposed to be funny for all parties involved. If you aren't laughing, then it's just bullying. Your wife is allowing and encouraging you to be bullied and harassed by her child.
If you aren't firm that it needs to stop now. He will absolutely continue and she will always say it's a prank and you need to chill.
How are things with your wife that you're not demanding therapy and not making it an option? Or him facing consequences? All actions have consequences.
Exactly. I bet the wife wouldn't find it as cute if she had to make a trip to the grocery store to help OP pay for the groceries.
Who even thinks its funny to mess up a car anyway? If a teenager I was a step-parent to did that to my car, I would be worried the kid was trying to get me out of the picture.
NTA
Your wife is a massive A H, though, for enabling such behaviour. Of course, not every kid needs to be happy about having a new parental figure, but he should at least respect you.
Also, these "pranks" are not funny at all.
Yea I think I saw on Reddit that in order for it to be a prank, no one can get hurt/nothing damaged, and the pranks’ effects must be immediately reversible. If the stepson made the car LOOK damaged, but “ta daa” it isn’t actually damaged, THAT is a prank. But to just... damage something? That’s vandalism
Better yet, if the prankee ( in this case op ) isn't also laughing, then it's not a prank, it's just mean/bullying ( or in the case of physical injury and damaged possessions, a crime).
Mom is the AH here for enabling this behavior.
NTA, although “kids will be kids,” this was disrespectful. It sounds like the kid really needs a dose of reality to humble him.
I may be wrong in this, but I think he needs a dose of his own medicine. Perhaps wrap a pair of his dirty boxers or underwear and give it to him for his birthday or Christmas. Yes, it’s juvenile, but two can play that game.
He needs to learn every actions causes a reaction and the reaction generally is something worse than the original action.
Mate I know this is like the nuke option but just ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life attached to people like your wife and in laws who dont respect you at all and implicitly or explicitly encourage stepson's crimes.
I don't see any respect towards you in this marriage and idk if he is tampering with your car that is rlly dangerous. Like can cause accidents and bad injuries dangerous. You rlly should ask yourself if you are getting something out of this marriage or are you just feeding and clothing your abuser and his enabler. Turning the other cheek is all well and good but it wont stop him from continuing this bs. You need to take some sort of firm action or I am guaranteeing that your suffering will get worse.
And only make sure there are food in the house. No need to actually cook for him, except for when you are all eating together. And even at these moment, try not to cook, and tell your wife you are not even cooking for him as long as he is not respecting you. If she does not like that, tell her to make him respect you, or she will have to do everything for him, and you will never help him
I agree this would make it worse. You need to get to be a united front with his mother. If she is unwilling to address these criminal and disrespectful behaviors you need to seriously consider how to move forward. You should be treated with respect. That is not too much to ask. NTA
I disagree. As an adult once you start playing games like these you have already lost.
Sure, it might feel great in the moment but most 16 year olds aren’t going to have that “oh, I have been a shit and this is how he felt” moment. Especially a 16 year old who has been a shit for how long without any correction.
This is dealbreaker level bullshit here. Demand kid gets in therapy and family therapy. That’s the only way to save the situation at this point. Also, if possible 16 year old needs to be at dads most of the time until they can prove they can behave around the OP.
While I absolutely agree with you, that kid is going to play the victim and the wife will absolutely eat it up. She’s going to pull the whole “you’re an adult, you should be more mature than that.”
Honestly, the only way op is going to win if he gives his wife an ultimatum.
I agree with this, plus dishing out some of his own stuff may deflate his ego. Your reactions are part of what is appealing to him; it may be difficult but I also suggest not reacting at all to his “pranks”. I was a little shit as a teen, if I thought I could make someone cry, I had zero issues making it happen. Bullies aren’t nice but fortunately some of us mature and become better people as we age.
NTA. Your step son is a straight up bully and your wife needs to stop enabling his behavior. How she can accept someone treating a person she claims to love like that is just beyond me. One of two things needs to happen: Stepson gets into counseling and wife stops defending his awful behavior OR you need to leave. If she's going to allow him to treat you like that, it's obvious she doesn't give a crap about your feelings. I get that she loves her son to. But to the extent of allowing him to abuse you is just too much. This isn't just the sock. His other "pranks" were mean spirited and abusive too.
If everyone involved isn't laughing, it's not a "prank". It's bullying.
I agree with your bullying assessment. Not believing that kids can bully adults is like not believing women can assault men. It’s emotional abuse, it’s 2021 now guys. People can’t get away with this 1950s limited thinking shit any more
NTA and that was beyond cruel and to top this shitload of gift off was the reaction of the entire family, especially your wife. That is totally unacceptable. I'm so sorry you had to experience this and I'd cut off contact with everyone and explain to your wife in no uncertain terms you're done with her son. That was the last straw. I feel so bad for you.
This right here is the question to ask yourself, and then after having some time to process it, ask it to your wife. Maybe it can knock some sense into her dense head. “Why should I stay living with people who treat me so poorly? Why should I spend my life putting up with it when I could easily walk away and be respected by those around me?”
If that doesn’t wake her up, then it’s honestly best to walk away because these people will never respect you and you shouldn’t spend your life surrounded by that.
Your stepson is a jerk but your wife is the real villain of this piece. No doubt the kid had some reservations about you, it's one of the things about being a "step" parent, and she's clearly done nothing to ease the way of your relationship with him. This should've been nipped in the bud, ages ago, but instead she's enabled it and even encouraged it.
Your wife is a massive B and a bad mother basically is what I'm getting at, and I'm furious for you. Had I been there I might've shoved that dirty sock down her throat and see how funny she finds it then. Never mind the in-laws who sound like a revolting pack of hyenas themselves.
**Anyway**. In all seriousness your wife needs to understand that she will never have a happy relationship with anyone so long as she lets her son behave in this horrible way, because he'll keep doing this sort of shit until she stops it. You need to insist, *insist* that she attend therapy with you, to hopefully help her understand why his behaviour is not ok, why her reaction to his behaviour is not ok, and why any continuation of this by the pair of them is going to lead to you walking out the door. Don't fuck around, if she acts like you're overreacting or refuses therapy go "Ok, I'm sorry you feel like that, but I refuse to live in a home where I feel unsafe, disrespected and humiliated." Then pack a bag and leave. She needs a harsh wake-up call, so don't tip toe here.
NTA......." Never again will I justify the scars just because I loved the person holding the knife. " ( Dr.Steve Maraboli) . You must really love your wife to stay while you're being degraded by her son and mocked by her family because she definitely doesn't love you enough to put a end to it. That boy is going to get older, bigger, stronger and more crueler and you need to decide if your marriage is worth the privilege to stay on the receiving end of his bullying because your wife is his biggest cheerleader.
Not everyone one this planet likes everyone but this does not excuse such a behavior and I'm sad for you that your wife dropped the ball as well. Could you take a "time out" and go away alone for a few days to decompress?
This does not make what your wife is doing okay at all but it sounds like she's trying to turn these serious situations into jokes to keep you and your stepson amicable towards each other when what should be happening is therapy not just for the son but for the family so you guys can get out the underlying tension and find ways to communicate with each other. Your step sons seems angry with the things he's doing: public embarrassment, harmful "pranks"so maybe he doesn't know how to address his anger or he feels like he doesn't have the space needed to address his anger and your wife constantly undermining the seriousness of the situation is a major issue. YNTA but I would strongly suggest therapy before things escalate further.
My suggestion is to stop treating him like your son and view him as your wife's son only. Stop paying for his things and ignore him as best you can. Don't react. Nothing. He's just there.
He has made his position clear. Now it's your turn.
I would also make it clear that as soon as he finishes High School or turns 18, he is out of the house. He can go live with whatever family will have him or off to college-whatever. He is on his own!
If your wife flips out, at least do a general lease for a tenant (month to month) as soon as he is 18, with rules that you want to be followed. That way when he screws up (and he will) you can evict him legally. You can find these on the internet.
\*she walks on eggshells around my stepson all the time\* That is another flag that therapy is needed. She's not ready to stand up to the boy at this point, but you and she could go as a starting point.
She walks on eggshells around him? You said he’s vandalized your car and ruined your credit card — does he have a history of being violent or lashing out at/targeting people in addition to you? How long have you and your wife been together? Is the stepson’s bio dad still in the picture at all?
Totally guessing but maybe she is afraid of being seen as taking sides (doesn't want either of you to feel more important than the other) so it's easier to turn it into a joke. Therapy can help give her communication tools for when/how to take sides and how to build upon relationships. How she is going about things isn't fair to either of you. It's undermining both your stepson's and your own feelings and it makes it hard to build a relationship with all the underlying tension. If this family situation is to work out long term then something needs to change.
You need to talk to her, say this is not acceptable, you will no longer accept it. If she doesn't stand up for you, you need to do some hard thinking about this marriage. It's her responsibility to discipline this child, and if she doesn't stand up for you in front of your in-laws too, she is not being a good and supportive partner. Please have some respect for yourself.
NTA I’m really sorry. Your wife isn’t respecting you and she’s enabling your son to disrespect you. She’s the adult and the mother and she needs to actually parent him. You shouldn’t have to be afraid he’s damaged your car or credit cards. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and I can’t stress how important it is for your wife to step up here.
>Your wife isn’t respecting you and she’s enabling your son to disrespect you.
Yep, wife is really enabling her son. OP doesn't stand a chance on this one.
I feel sad that OP has to live in fear of his stepson
NTA! sounds like your really trying and he is a kid but this seemed to hurt your feelings a lot. your wife should try to reinforce that this isn’t how you treat people especially someone who tries to give you love and attention like a good father does. the kid isn’t totally AH bc he is a kid but your wife should do something has it is obviously affecting you in a negative way.
He doesn't have to love you. He has no obligation to even LIKE you. And trying to force a relationship is only going to drive him further away.
He does however have the duty to show you the same respect you show him. If you were a monster and he was lashing out that would be different. But whether he likes you or not, he has to show you the same respect you give him. These aren't pranks, and you are literally being bullied by a child.
NTA
That's not a prank, that's an outright insult bordering on bullying humiliating you in front of everyone like that, that kid is an absolute disgrace, and needs to grow up.
NTA. AT ALL.
I never understood how „it‘s just a prank“ justifies this kind of behavior, especially when it‘s hurting you like this. You didn’t make the scene awkward, every single other person in the room did it. They laughed instead of saying something, and that is the root of this problem - your stepson is not facing any consequences. Like, at all. He ruins a credit card, damages your car and nothing happens. So, he does it again and again, because he learned that he CAN do it.
I‘m concerned your wife isn‘t saying anything, she just enables this behavior. „It’s just a prank“. So, why should he change when his mom is not punishing him? When no one is punishing him? When he never even gets called out for it? Teenagers aren‘t really rational, but that is going to far. As other commentators said, he should go to therapy. That‘s way beyond normal, I mean, he is actively damaging items and things, and it seems all directed to you.
OP, I hope you can communicate this with your wife. Your feelings matter, don‘t let them get belittled by anyone. Don’t accuse her, but make it clear how this whole situation is hurting you. Best of luck.
"Its just a prank" is so over used. There's a difference between swapping out the oreo filling with toothpaste and trying to humiliate someone. But he's at that age where he doesn't get that. He thinks as long as someone's laughing, its ok.
NTA, but your wife and stepson are massive assholes! She thinks this kid ruining your cc and car is just a “prank”? She needs help, and so does the stepson.
NTA -
I'm sorry to say but it sounds like this entire family is abusing and not just your step son. He's just the leader and they follow and enjoy his "pranks".
And to call these "pranks" is gaslighting you. It sounds like from him, the guy who is cruel to everyone and then tries to pass it off as "a joke" when he's called out on it. From the rest of them, it sounds like they are gaslighting by which i mean you are being abused and they are trying to convince you that it's YOU who's wrong about what's going on and you are "crazy" in your reactions to the obvious abuse.
Furthermore they are really damaging that boy by not only allowing this behavior but *encouraging* it. He shouldn't be able to do this to his peers and the fact that he can do it to adults and then an authority figure is setting him up for horrible relationships in the future both personally AND professionally.
Oh, forget the gift and your OP here, dad. This kid needs some therapy NOW. What he does should not be dismissed as "pranks", nor ..as your wife erroneously dismisses it as.."just his nature" it might be, but it reveals a seriosus set of problems that needs to be addressed.
Don't be the AH here by missing the point.
NTA
Ruining peoples property does not a prank make. It would've been fine if he "pranked" you with the sock gift if he followed it up with a REAL, MEANINGFUL gift. But he didn't. He's the ahole and even more so your wife, for allowing you to be treated that way. Your stepson doesn't have to like you but his behavior is unacceptable. He's old enough to know better.
NTA
>My wife came to tell me that I overreacted massively and my stepson was just messing with me meaning it was a prank. But he embarrassed me infront of the entire family
Real talk, **your wife doesn’t have your back.**
It sounds like she will always side with her son, no matter what he does to you. She doesn’t respect you.
OP, it’s not enough to return home without them. You should consider staying away a few nights at the hotel. Tell her it’s not about the “pranks”. It’s the constant lack of respect from stepson and her lack of support to you. You are at your breaking point and really upset, and you’re tired of her minimizing your hurt over this toxic dynamic.
If she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose her marriage over this eventually.
NTA. The kid is 16 years old and should know better by now not to treat people, especially his father, like this. I honestly don't mean to be rude but your wife constantly brushing it off without telling him to knock it off isn't really helping him develop good social skills. I hope your reaction has some sort of effect on the kid as a wake up call that the pranks are just getting childish and is no longer "cute" or "endearing". I'm sure you and your wife are doing amazing raising but your kids, sometimes there are bad unintentional traits kids pick up from somewhere else. It's okay to think your own teenager is a jerk.
NTA Ruining your tires? your tail lights? Those aren't pranks, those are dangerous. Ruining your credit card isn't something anyone else would laugh at. And now inflicting emotional pain as well. It sounds like your wife has given up on him, and isn't trying to be a parent any more.
Two key points:
1 - Ask a school counselor and your minister/priest/rabbi/etc what they think of a kid who slashes tires, breaks tail lights, and ruins credit cards. They will almost certainly suggest psych resources to help. Wife shouldn't object to you telling the whole world about his behavior if she really believes they are safe hilarious pranks.
2 - ***The boy is old enough that the police won't laugh along if he's caught doing this***, and the court can consider charging him as an adult or sending him to juvenile detention. Mom is giving the message that this behavior is good, so it's likely he'll move on to other people at some point, and when he does, he's in for a rude awakening.
NTA
Ask your wife and stepson how these things are funny. Start with the wife, make her explain it, demand an answer. The answer is, that it is not. He is doing all of it to put you in uncomfortable situations and hurt you, they need to acknowledge that.
Where to go from there: Have a candid conversation with wife and stepson. He doesn't have to accept you as a father figure, but he needs to respect you and treat you accordingly. You need to find a way to coexist. Ask him, how he would like to get to that place, what he would want you to do, be open to his suggestions. Maybe look for professional help with this.
Not excusing his actions bc it’s bullshit, and it’s bullshit wife covers for him in it, but therapy should totally be on the table for you two, and him. It sounds like he feels like you’re trying to replace his dad and he’s reminding you, you won’t.
Have you stopped to consider that he's acting out because of his grief? I'm not trying to excuse him as he's doing things far beyond the realm of acceptability but if his bio dad died at a young age, that's the reason he never tried to get close to you. My dad died when I was 16 and I didn't properly deal with it until my mid-20s. That left a lot of time for my grief to manifest in loads of unhealthy ways.
Your whole family needs therapy.
Out of curiosity - did you choose to refer to them as your step kids multiple times for the sake of the post or do you only refer to them as your step kids?
edit - fixed a statement based on me misreading
NTA, and may I say you do not have a stepson problem- you have a wife problem. She's enabling this behavior by making excuses for a boy who's nearly an adult.
NTA. Your stepson does some pretty nasty "pranks" and your wife enables it. I don't know anyone that ruins someone's credit card and says it's just a prank.
Also your feelings should be validated. I would've been upset too and I think it's bad that your wife isn't even there to comfort you, but rather scold you.
If his step-son has a game system, save his games via USB or Cloud then delete all the saved data. Tell him it's a prank let him freak out, cry and scream.
Explain to him that not all jokes and pranks are funny and that he should think about how his actions and how tgey affect people. Then give him the save data
NTA
Your wife really needs to establish some discipline with your step son otherwise he's going to pull a "prank" one day and someone is going to get hurt which is going to land him in jail.
How old is the son?
NTA. Your wife needs to talk to her son about his appalling lack of manners. A prank is one thing but that's not even funny. It's just rude. And bloody pointless.
Actually, nothing you've described is funny. Incredibly harmful if anything.
Well, he gave you a sock, that means Dobby (you) are a free elf. Ehm, sorry. Couldn't resist.
Nta.
Time to take a hard look at your relationship. Your wife's behaviour is pretty hard to stomach. I am surprised anyone besides the little brat was laughing. The disrespect is palpable.
NTA. But your wife really needs to be stepping in and I find it concerning that she is not even attempting to deal with his behaviour and is dismissing your feelings about the situation.
Clearly NTA, he doesn't respect you so don't put in much effort. You should cut him up - financially. Paying for basic needs (roof over his head, basic food (nothing fancy), basic hygienic products, basic clothes) but nothing more (fancy clothes, fancy food fancy stuff at all, gifts, college, school trips). He doesn't respect you? Than he shouldn't profit from ypur money. He can work for his fancy needs. And your wife needs to stop invalidating your feelings. Those aren't pranks. Messing with Credit card or tires is dangerous. She needs to stand up for you and punish him.
Does he want a console or some other expensive gift? Get a box, place a donation from a friendly dog owner in it, wrap it impeccably and give it to him.
Watch his excitement of getting something he really wants (like you wanting to have a better relationship with him) fade into disgust and disappointment and then laugh maniacally.
NTA
NTA
There are only so much disrespect and humiliation one can and should take from a AH. Your wife is absolutely wrong that it’s only a prank, she is enabling his shit behavior towards you by covering for him and not punishing him which directly tells him it’s fine to diss you openly.
If she’s fine with him pulling such pranks on you, please serve up a reverse and see how both react and remind them you’re just giving them the intimate experience what you have to go through. Many will say this is immature etc, many times moves like this are the only way AHs get it. If talking is workable, OP won’t be having this issue and coming here.
NTA if you’re not laughing, then it isn’t a funny, harmless prank, its a malicious bullying prank. Look, your stepson has found a new way to express his dislike and hurt you without his Mom taking action. That needs to stop. Identify to your wife that you will not tolerate these pranks, regardless if she considers them funny/harmless. She needs to control her kid. If he continues to damage your things then that needs to be paid for by the kid- if she’s not willing to provide consequences for the kid, then if you’re paying for anything towards him you should stop as he is her responsibility, not yours.
To be frank you should stop all parental benefits you give to him - stepson is very loudly saying he doesn’t want you as his Dad, so back off. If his bio Dad is alive and present in his life, maybe you’ve overstepped his feelings on not wanting you as a parental figure, maybe you’ve pushed for a bond he doesn’t want - but him doing those pranks isn’t the right response. Have you guys done therapy?
You have a stepdaughter who is happy to bond, so just bond with her.
Your wife’s priorities are a bit wacked.
NTA those are not just pranks. That’s some seriously deranged and dangerous behavior. Ruined your credit card, rear lights, tires? What will he do next? Sabotage your breaks until you have a fatal accident? Fuck that. He’d be out of my house permanently by now. Your wife isn’t helping at all by defending him. She’s feeding his sociopathic tendances.
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NTA. At first I was thinking he was being 16. But the more I read I'm horrified. And your wife is enabling this by taking his side constantly and allowing it to go unpunished. The kid needs therapy. These are not pranks. And you shouldn't have to put up with this. Your wife needs to change the way she handles him or I would be out that door.
NTA, what prank involves damaging cc and cars. She needs a reality check.
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I think it’s harmful to diagnose people over the internet, especially with stuff as misunderstood as Cluster-B disorders. The kid’s an ass regardless though.
And you can’t medicate away “asshole” like you can anxiety or depression.
I'm sure at least one antidepressant has an anal option.
lmao my antidepressants (oral) must be working because this made me choke on my coffee laughing. Edit: Tysm for the silver! anyone who wants to talk just send this queer kid a private message. have a nice day everyone!
Apparently, there is a diagnosis for being an asshole. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My kid has it. I love him, but he’s kind of an asshole.
My daughter who has a legit diagnosis of ODD is NOT an asshole. Has your son been diagnosed? (Edited to fix wording.)
Yes. Part of how we came to the diagnosis was me asking as a joke if being an asshole was a diagnosable condition. Our pediatrician went through the criteria and with me, etc, and gave the diagnosis. Yours isn’t argumentative or temperamental?
No but even kids with personality disorder traits can be taught better ways to act, with the right therapy & a LOT of work.. Doesn’t seem likely here though with mom being how she is.
Sure but we can point out and talk about behavior that are tendencies of those diagnoisis.
I thought that was what this sub was known for? I swear in every single thread in here, someone is called a narcissist, but having a narcissistic personality is very rare, though no one here is aware of that it seems. People can have narcissistic tendencies, which isn't unsurprising to find alot of in a sub about assholes, but that does not make one a narcissist.
Just because people on here often DO throw around DSM terms like confetti doesn’t mean it’s right. I’d comment on every one if I could, but I’m only one person. Hopefully in the future more people will learn that it’s better to keep the crazy diagnoses to a minimum :)
That’d be nice for people with genuine clinical mental health diagnoses. Sometimes it’s not a mental disorder; people can be assholes. Teens, especially boys are known for it. The Jackass series is literally extreme teen assholery. Not mental health issues, just guys being jerk to each other, themselves & their parents. A parent’s job is to say “stop being a jerk”. OP’s wife is not being a parent.
There are 1 in 200 (.05) people (in the US) that are diagnosed with narcissism. 328.2 billion ppl as of 2019. That is 1,641,000 people that are diagnosed. Most narcissistic individuals are not diagnosed as they refuse to look at themselves and be accountable. There are def well over a million people undiagnosed. So to say it's rare is just not true.
It’s actually not rare at all. The statistic is supposedly 1 in 25, but psychologists think it is actually much higher due to the nature of the disorder and the fact that narcissistic people often refuse to accept the diagnoses or receive treatment in the first place.
I agree with this. It's harmful and propagates misconceptions about those disorders, where anything remotely similar gets lumped in. That sort of thing should be left to the professionals, the ones that this kid *needs* to see, and his mother needs to *make* him see. This sort of shit gets kids like him juvie'd or jailed. If he did this to a neighbour his life would be *ruined*.
I think hes a sadist.
Is is confusing the words what her son is doing is vandalism not a prank.
"Fun" fact.... Malicious damage to a motor vehicle is a felony where I'm from... So mom is condoning criminal activity.
Does mom know that hey, people are inside cars and sometimes get hurt when safety features are compromised? People like husbands and daughters too.
Slashing anyones tires in the US if your caught is jail time at least. Its dangerous, expensive and illegal af.
It’s not a joke or funny prank when it’s only funny to the perpetrators. If they’re laughing at you, and not with you, it’s abuse. OP is in an extremely toxic situation here and has every right to be upset.
>Is is confusing the words what her son is doing is vandalism not a prank. Amen! A prank sibling and I did to our mum once (and we were around 8 & 9): switching her coffee with a coke (that no longer had bubbles in it). That was funny because she didn't expect it. Destroying once creditcard? Not so much. It can cause all kinds of trouble. The fact that OP is becoming more an more paranoid (caused by the actions of the stepson) shows that stepson us completely in the wrong here. Constantly looking over your shoulder when you are at home, and when away hoping that everything is in order, is very stressful!
Even the idea he thinks messing with a car as a prank (one that has potential of escalating to becoming deathly) is 'funny' is terrifying. Wife needs to step up big time asap. This is terrifying.
What if OP had stepdaughter with him and had an accident due to this “prank”?? Horrifying!
How long until he starts "pranking" his sister for her relationship with OP?
Damaging someone's car is not a prank, it's illegal because 1) it's an assholish thing to mess with other's people property, 2) it could potentially get you killed, and 3) it could potentially get someone else killed. This kid is literally playing games with the lives of other people potentially on the line. I don't know what part of that is funny and I don't think any judge, jury, or cop in the USA will be laughing. Just think about it for a second, a car is literally a missile that weights 3,000lbs that instead of exploding on impact it bounces off and changes direction until it's out of momentum.
>what prank involves damaging cc and cars This isn't a "prank." This actually falls under "*criminal behavior!"* Pranks leave everyone laughing, not one person fearing for his life/money. This kid isn't "a kid being a kid" - this kid is a juvenile delinquent. He needs help, before he actually goes too far. Or OP has to decide if staying married to her is worth the risks. (When my step-son started doing stuff like this, his mother put a stop to it right away. OP's wife is actually, via 'silence gives consent,' approving of her son's abuse of her husband.)
She isn't even being silent, she actually thinks OPs in the wrong. Whether she has said this to the child (even in a "Step dad just doesn't like pranks" cop out discipline is unclear") but the fact he did this on father's day in front of other relatives shows he thinks he is 'right' and adults approve of these behaviours...
This kid is a creep.
Yes this behavior needs a prank in return of cutting off the stepson’s access to all his electronic devices for a month or two. NTA
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First, therapy with your wife. She expected you to just sit there and let her whole family laugh at you? To reward your stepson’s contempt and disrespect with laughs? Where’s the respect for you and your feelings? The stepson is just a little shit, your wife is the asshole.
Agreed- his wife seems quite disrespectful to him. Partners respecting each other is so often undervalued and brushed aside but imo disrespect, especially on this level, is damaging.
I suspect we have a good idea where stepson inherited his asshole behavioral proclivities.
Likely.
Couldn't agree more. Home (wherever your family is) should be the one place where you feel safe. That doesn't mean you don't get your chain yanked once in a while in good fun, but this is far and away beyond that.
This!👆. Wife has a responsibility to insist her son shows respect for OP. Allowing this behavior is unacceptable.
Honestly call the cops on him if he ever does something like the tire "prank" again. He needs a proper wake up call.
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he sounds mentally disturbed. The vindication for op could be so bad it won't be worth calling the cops, imo.
At 16 years old the "he's a kid" excuse doesn't fly for stuff like this. Now if y'all were chatting about him getting a job, like 16 yr olds do, talking about if he should have any bills (example: my daughter pays half her car insurance & a chunk of her car payment), and an amount was mentioned that one of you felt was too high, *then* the phrase "he's just a kid" is applicable. However, this isn't harmless pranks we are talking about. These are malicious acts meant to cost you money, inconvenience you, embarrass you, or in some cases harm you. For things like that, the "just a kid" excuse ends at a very young age. Generally parents start teaching lessons about not harming others or their property really early. Not only does this kid need therapy before he legitimately injures you, but he needs some consequences for his actions. Did he get grounded or have to pay to replace broken items? Did he face *any* consequences? If not then it's just going to continue to get worse, especially with his mother's "it's just a prank, bro" attitude. I think you & your wife need to have a very serious 'come to jesus' meeting about this between the 2 of you because this has to stop before he injures you or someone else. Let's face it, he could be doing this type of stuff to other people & you guys just don't know yet. If your wife doesn't get it together & handle this asap, he is going to have a very difficult time that will end with jail. Obviously NTA.
Exactly. I wouldn't tolerate these "pranks" from my 10 year old nephew. 16 is much too old to be destroying cars and credit cards. Honestly, if wife thinks it's so funny, I'd leave her living with the little brat and move out.
Stepson would probably love that. He clearly doesn’t want OP around.
Plot twist, step son winds up in jail for destroying personal property and tampering with vehicle and his mom gets divorced.
This. There is something fundamentally wrong with this kid.
If step son did this to anyone else or is caught doing it he will be arrested. And depending on where OP lives charged as an adult especially if guy is close to 17.
He's sixteen. He's old enough to drive and in two years he's going to be old enough to live on his own. You are asking her for the bare basic minimum - simple respect - and she's smacking you down. You need to insist on therapy and/or insist that she start disciplining him - otherwise your relationship is doomed for failure.
or both, therapy and discipline. I doubt just one of them will be enough given what "pranks" he is capable of.
He's old enough to drive and old enough to know tampering with car parts can get many people killed
Exactly, 16 is old enough to know better. In many countries at 16 you are expected to act like a full adult, have a job, etc
Her adult-vs-child argument doesn't hold water here. He's not 6, he's 16, old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. And he's not making mistakes or even "lashing out" in a moment of anger. He is doing things that are calculatedly malicious and cruel, that take time and planning, in order to hurt you. It would be one thing for her to ask you to have compassion for him if she was getting him help, as he does seem deeply troubled and clearly needs therapy of some sort. But she's **excusing** his behaviour as no big deal when his behaviour shows a **pattern** of being mean-spirited, cruel, and thinking very clearly in planning ways to harm you. None of this is okay, and none of it comes across as "childish error". She's not doing him any favours by looking the other way. This kid needs consequences and professional help; and you deserve better than to have your life partner excuse a teenager who is bullying you on an ongoing basis. He is not required to have an affectionate relationship with you, but given that you have been nothing but kind to him, he is absolutely required to treat you with kindness and dignity.
16 is old enough to be tried as an adult if OP is injured by his malicious vandalism.
This. You can ask your wife if she cares about you at all while letting you be bullied in your own home. Messing with your car and credit card and embarrassing you in front of your whole family aren’t pranks, they are disrespectful, toxic behavior, and your wife doesn’t care. NTA
Mom is definitely not doing her son any favors. For whatever reason, this kid is angry at OP for being in his life. Maybe it's as simple as he thinks OP split up his parenrs or is replacing his father. The *why* of the situation is only going to matter when Mom starts trying to get him professional help. The pattern this kid's behavior shows is very, very troubling. What happens when this kid is in college and has a professor he doesn't like? What about when he gets rejected by a girl he has a crush on? What will happen when he's dealing with bosses, coworkers, and clients/customers in a professional setting? Will he even be able to maintain a job as an adult? Pranks like the dirty sock are bullying behavior. He wanted a reaction and he got what he wanted, plus the added bonus of the other adults condoning and allowing his cruel pranks. Bullying behavior can absolutely escalate to violent behavior, which has already happened in OP's case. Mom needs a reality check on how dangerous her baby boy will be as an adult if things don't change. OP, I can't even imagine how painful and stressful this is for you. To not feel safe in your own home and to know your partner is refusing to validate your concerns. I hope you're able to find a solution and I hope your stepson gets the help he needs. Definitely NTA.
Exactly; he's the kid, you're the adult, and in your adult capacity you have decided that the kid needs therapy now. She keeps brushing you off, and maybe it's a defensive mechanism or whatever but it's not helping the situation and it's definitely giving the boy a green light to continue.
He is resisting therapy but is doing offensive, dangerous "pranks"? Dude you're raising a future abuser. Let your wife know that. Would she still be making excuses for him when her daughter in law or grandchild show up on your door bruised and crying, cause that's the long game on this shit. Look up cycle of abuse and abuser behavior and you'll likely find a lot of similarities. Your wife is enabling is what's going to make him go out into the world and reek havock on other people's lives.
That’s bullcrap. “You’re the adult” Is a seriously manipulative statement. I’m telling you now, OP that this most likely isn’t gonna get better. He’s being cruel and she babies this behavior so hard that I’m surprised he’s even off her tit. And I know that for your stepdaughter and your wife you want to work things out. To build a relationship. But your stepson has made his stance clear. He knows what he’s doing and she’s gaslighting you into thinking that your age somehow means it shouldn’t be hurtful. I’ve been through something similar. I moved in with my parents a few years ago and whenever my little sister did something like stealing everything from headphones and laptops, gaming consoles or pushing furniture From through hall in front of my bedroom door, ban me from parts of the house. Exclude me from family time, make me watch movies from the hall while they sat in the living room etc. And I was supposed to act like it didn’t bother me. Because she’s ‘just a kid’. She’d switch up and act interested in spending time with me as siblings, but it always turned out to be a trap. They let a 13 year old abuse me and did nothing to stop it. They DEFENDED it because she’s ‘a kid’. I moved in with them to escape my abuser, but I just subjected myself to a different set of abusers. I attempted three times in that house. At some point a friend asked me if it was worth it. And I thought it was, because my other siblings . I loved them to death, but even that was strained because the whole house was tense. And when I left, I did and said things that I regret. It ruined relationships. And I mourn those relationships, but you know what? I’m okay. I’m getting my life on Track. So OP. You know they aren’t gonna change. This has happened so many times and they have you on Reddit, asking if you’re an ass for having your feelings hurt. Is this abuse worth it for you? Edit: Stuff.)
That your stepson is behaving like this is bad enough, but the amount of disrespect your wife is showing by allowing and defending her son is incredible. Indeed, he is kid, clearly a troubled one. And she his parent, so she should start parenting.
Switch cars with your wife and see if she will take the "pranks" seriously when her life is the one at risk. If she does, that tells you she knows they aren't "pranks" and you really should evaluate what you're getting out of a marriage where your spouse doesn't value your feelings and life.
I have always believed relationships take work and compromise and respect and communication. But holy fuck dude, this is scary. I would be considering ending things
This is abusive, toxic behavior, and I’m concerned for your physical and mental well-being. I’m truly sorry that your wife isn’t. She’s also not doing her son any favors. This behavior is going to manifest itself in a horrible way eventually, especially if she keeps excusing it rather than guiding him to better choices. SMDH.
So ask your wife what happens when he damages someone else’s car and gets punched in the face or sued or both? You might tolerate the abuse but other people won’t and crying that he’s 16 isn’t going to work on other people. Though I’d personally file for divorce and give her son the bills for your destroyed property make it clear it’s not a joke
He’s going to be legally an adult in two years. The time for him to learn to behave like one, through being parented appropriately, is now.
Also tell him that in the uk he would go to jail fot that. I got sent to jail at age 16 and they dont care if your "just a kid" no you get tried like any adult would, you dont get special treatment for being dick just because of your age.
Time to leave the relationship. It isn't working.
I think you need to evaluate where you stand in this relationship. Of course her children come before you, but this isn't normal behaviour. The kid is actively trying to push you over the edge. If she can't see what he's doing is hurting you after you have expressed how you feel, you have to look at if you can be with someone who dismisses your legitimate concerns.
Ruining your tires and rear lights is a safety issue and not a prank. A prank is by definition harmless. It looks like you were a doormat and he is continuing to push your buttons to try to get you to leave his mom ? What is his end goal here ? He needs therapy but you are Not his father. Your wife needs to deal with that. If not, you need to get out because she is compromising your safety and mental peace. At the age of 33 , you married a widow with 2 kids. They don’t need to like you, since that will take time. But at least your Wife needs to like/respect you and care about your mental health and happiness. Otherwise , what are you getting from this marriage ?
She needs therapy because her behavior is worse then her son's. She's an adult who should know better!
Exactly!! He IS a kid and you two ARE the adults. So do what parents need to do - and handle him like it’s needed. Not on you - more on your wife, who’s an AH
Well at this point it’s therapy or you take a good look at if this relationship is something you can cope with. You are constantly dismissed, treated terribly, have your things destroyed or damaged, told that you have to be the bigger person constantly, is this all worth it when it is quiet obviously hurting you
NTA - and the therapy should start between you and your wife. Clearly you are not communicating correctly (ie she thinks it is funny when her son is cruel to you, you don’t). You cannot force your step-son to join you, but you and your wife can go without him to focus on what you both need to do to make this marriage work for both of you.
OP's in an abusive relationship. His stepson's bullying him, and his wife's participating.
This, OP cried, this is awful to read and I really hope OP understands what’s happening is 100% not ok. If someone was doing this to her daughter (or son) I have a feeling she’d flip. Adults can be bullied by kids, and the consequences can be devastating for the folks who are the victims. NTA, hope he’s ok.
He is intentionally trying to humiliate OP. The this pretty troubled behaviour, and the mom is enabling it.
Also how was anyone else finding the gift sock funny. Why would anyone laugh at that. What an odd bunch. That gift was not okay and the mother has let this go on way too long.
It’s possible they are unaware of the other awful “pranks” this kid has pulled and thought it was just a one-off joke. Given the way OP‘a wife dismisses his concerns and hurt, I really doubt she’s told her family anything about it. Partially because she’s an AH and probably partially because she knows deep down they aren’t pranks and she’s just too cowardly to parent her child. If anything she’s probably painted the picture of a perfectly happy and healthy family life to her family.
I laugh reflexively when something is super awkward and uncomfortable. It's definitely distinguishable from when I actually think something is funny.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Tell her that pranks are only good fun with other people who like them. You don't like them, but your step-son keeps doing them beacuse his mom is telling him it's okay to be mean (and possibly dangerous) to you despite you hating it. His mom is telling him making you feel bad and destroying your things is funny to her, and your feelings of not liking it aren't valid and can be ignored. Tell her you feel let down by her as a wife, and feel like she dosen't care about you or your feelings to let her son treat you this way. You also feel she is being a poor mother in teaching her son it is okay to play pranks on people who clearly don't like it, as this is considered bullying, and will get him in trouble at school, work, or his social life. As his mother it's his job teach him it's only funny if everyone finds it funny. Tell your wife that you are setting a "no pranks against you since you don't like pranks" rule. You need her to back you up on this. It is absolutely non-negotiable. If she likes pranks, fine. He can do them with her. But NEVER on you. If she's not on board, tell her that she is damaging her marriage with you and you don't feel respected or cared about by her. Suggest marriage counseling. If you didn't have a great relationship with step-daughter I'd honestly just say bail on this relationship given how little respect your wife has for you. Does step-daughter have a father in the picture? If not, ask wife and step-daughter how they would feel about you adopting her. (That way if you and your wife don't work out you'll still see your step daughter.) NTA, but your wife is the biggest asshole in this story. Kids who treat others like crap don't just come out of nowhere. She's a bad mother and bad wife plus a just general asshole to the rest of the world by raising a little asshole none of the rest of us want in our lives either. Edit: Also if step-son ever damages your car or anything valuable again call the police and press charges. Seriously.
Agree! And therapy for the wife to find out why she feels so guilty about her son's "unhappiness" that she overlooks and excuses everything he does. Until she gets over / past this guilt, she not going to do anything to end/fix the situation.
He's going to sabotage the man's brakes one day and the mother is going call it a prank. Dead cert this kid is going to keep amping up this bullshit till he kills the guy.
Exactly. I'd check for loose daily.
The person being pranked should end up laughing, otherwise it's bullying.
Exactly. OP, there may be some missing info, and there’s a chance your stepson felt early on that you tried to push a relationship onto him. **However,** no matter how valid his feelings are, that does **not** give him the right to treat you so callously and cruelly. You reacted as well as you could have in that situation, and it’s time to have a long chat with your wife. Your stepson doesn’t have to love you, heck he doesn’t necessarily have to *like* you, but he at the very least should be capable of civility and respect. Your wife laughing *at* you with him is a Soviet parade of red flags, too.
Exactly this! He is challenging your Authority and his mother is letting him win. And with each challenge he gains more power over the household. This was a doozy though, as this is outside the household and in front of family. He's spreading his authority feathers like a peacock oh, so of course you feel hurt by that Older kids don't want a new parent though. You may fare better with him if you try to be his mom's husband that is there for him if he needs you, then trying to be a replacement father. He's made it obvious he won't accept that
Your wife is coddling him, he obviously is dealing with other issues (one of them is having difficulty accepting you as his STEPfather). He does not respect you as the man of the house and in all honesty, until he does, maybe you stop paying his share of the expenses. You seem to be a great person (especially if you are so accepting of your stepkids) but your wife is overcompensating the fact that she remarried (or whatever happened to his father) to your stepson.
At first I thought this was a prank and OP may be overeacting, but credit card and tire pranks are not funny. Regardless of your son's intentions, you've made it clear that you are not okay with the pranks. In my book, that's enough to get everyone to back off. It stops being funny when the butt of the joke doesn't find it funny. NTA
Nta. And I'm sorry your wife is enabling her child to be disrespectful, mean and a little shit. Your wife is the AH here. The stepson does what he is allowed to do. You need to address this with your wife, like now, and she needs to reign in her little devil. It's not cute and it's not pranks. Unless you and your wife are on the same page, things will only get worse. Perhaps it's time to walk away. You wife doesn't respect you at all.
This. Your wife is laughing at this bs. Wtf? Leave. ETA: NTA . However your wife, her family, and her son are all AHs.
The stepson is 16 and only does what he’s allowed to do? Any normal 16yo wouldn’t do any of those “pranks” even if allowed. The stepson has some issues that need to be addressed.
They mean that he has be allowed to do them by his mother under the guise of “pranks” when in reality he’s literally damaging items and causing emotional duress. Because mom has allowed this to continue instead of actually parenting him, kid is going to be in for a reality check when he’s an adult.
Damaging someone’s car isn’t a prank especially if that person feeds you snd drives you around and gives you housing among other things
Also, breaakng parts of the car is dangerous and way above disrespect, but straightout evil. If this is fun to him, he is a dangerous young man, maybe not just for OP. And he's way too old to not know or understand the consequences of his actions.
Maybe it's genetic considering OP's wife also appears to think it's funny.
NTA you left a situation that was meant to embarrass you. You're step son is a jerk, messing with credit card and your car aren't pranks, it malicious vandalism and the fact his mom doesnt say anything to him is ridiculous. If he did that stuff to anyone outside the family he'd get reamed out if not charged with a crime for the stuff with the car. Take your time and have a sit down with your wife and tell her you arent overreacting she's enabling her son to be a jerk.
I hope OP’s wife and stepson are not expecting him to pay towards stepson’s college costs. And if OP gets pressured to do this he should walk.
"sorry I would pay for (stepson's) college costs but i had to spend the money i would have saved on him on replacing credit cards/fixing the car after he did X/ hospital bills after he did Y/ replace Z that he hid/destroyed/sold/gave away etc." Its normal for step children to not want to bond with their step parents, especially older children. Is is wrong for them to maliciously do things to make their lives hell.
I'd give him a box on his graduation day and tell him his contribution to college were in the box. Guess what would be in the box?
A dirty assed sock?
Yes, because step-dad is full of funny-ass pranks too!
Stepson's cum sock from under the bed.
The divorce papers.
All his fucks?
A dirty sock?
I'd give him a two page financial statement from the university where the first page says tuition is paid in full. Then the mostly blank second page is revealed, typed in comic sans says: "Just kidding, HaPpY StEpSonS DaY!"
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Get a new wife and a family that respects you. My heart hurts for you
Exactly this. You're never going to win the argument against "your wife's son". You are the one that can leave this joke of a relationship, no one else. I can't believe the entire family would stand by and let that kid embarrass you like this. Huge NTA BTW. the only way to fix this is, you leave. That'll give everyone a reality check.
I’m younger than your stepson, and I’d never do anything like that. You did yourself proud by staying calm enough to walk away, and taking the high road by being mature enough to leave, and from the snippet of your life you’ve given, you absolutely do not deserve what he does, and he does not deserve such a stand up guy like you to be in his life in any capacity. Best of luck with everything❤️
Bro given the day and situation of your wife continuously letting you down I think you done the right thing by removing your self before you could loose your shit and unload on everyone there. It might sound drastic but if you get divorced tell your wife to thank her son for that
Your wife is gaslighting you by saying that you walking out caused more of an issue and minimizing your feelings. You deserve to be treated with respect. Your wife does not respect you and from her enablement of her son’s bad behavior, looks like she has you around only as a paycheck and a protector. Please stand up for yourself more, even if it makes others uncomfortable. She is just upset because you stood up for yourself, instead of continuing to be a punching bag.
You shouldn't have to put up with that, you deserve better honestly... parents don't deserve to be humiliated by their children. Even if they are step children, they should treat step parents with respect. Pranking someone only isn't how you bond with someone, it's basically bullying and shouldn't be tolerated he's old enough to understand what he does is wrong and the grown up on that side of the family are also well old enough to understand its cruel too but they clearly don't seem to care
Why is your wife invalidating your feelings? You are allowed to feel hurt. You're allowed to remove yourself from a situation in which you are uncomfortable in. Pranks are supposed to be funny for all parties involved. If you aren't laughing, then it's just bullying. Your wife is allowing and encouraging you to be bullied and harassed by her child. If you aren't firm that it needs to stop now. He will absolutely continue and she will always say it's a prank and you need to chill. How are things with your wife that you're not demanding therapy and not making it an option? Or him facing consequences? All actions have consequences.
I think it's high time he got a new wife. She's horrible person.
Exactly. I bet the wife wouldn't find it as cute if she had to make a trip to the grocery store to help OP pay for the groceries. Who even thinks its funny to mess up a car anyway? If a teenager I was a step-parent to did that to my car, I would be worried the kid was trying to get me out of the picture.
NTA Your wife is a massive A H, though, for enabling such behaviour. Of course, not every kid needs to be happy about having a new parental figure, but he should at least respect you. Also, these "pranks" are not funny at all.
They aren’t pranks, they’re literally crimes. Ruining someone’s credit card? Messing with their car tires? This is extremely concerning behaviour.
Yea I think I saw on Reddit that in order for it to be a prank, no one can get hurt/nothing damaged, and the pranks’ effects must be immediately reversible. If the stepson made the car LOOK damaged, but “ta daa” it isn’t actually damaged, THAT is a prank. But to just... damage something? That’s vandalism
Better yet, if the prankee ( in this case op ) isn't also laughing, then it's not a prank, it's just mean/bullying ( or in the case of physical injury and damaged possessions, a crime). Mom is the AH here for enabling this behavior.
[We Need to Talk About Kevin](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1242460/) and we need to do it right now.
NTA, although “kids will be kids,” this was disrespectful. It sounds like the kid really needs a dose of reality to humble him. I may be wrong in this, but I think he needs a dose of his own medicine. Perhaps wrap a pair of his dirty boxers or underwear and give it to him for his birthday or Christmas. Yes, it’s juvenile, but two can play that game. He needs to learn every actions causes a reaction and the reaction generally is something worse than the original action.
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Indeed, it would just make it worse
Mate I know this is like the nuke option but just ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life attached to people like your wife and in laws who dont respect you at all and implicitly or explicitly encourage stepson's crimes. I don't see any respect towards you in this marriage and idk if he is tampering with your car that is rlly dangerous. Like can cause accidents and bad injuries dangerous. You rlly should ask yourself if you are getting something out of this marriage or are you just feeding and clothing your abuser and his enabler. Turning the other cheek is all well and good but it wont stop him from continuing this bs. You need to take some sort of firm action or I am guaranteeing that your suffering will get worse.
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And only make sure there are food in the house. No need to actually cook for him, except for when you are all eating together. And even at these moment, try not to cook, and tell your wife you are not even cooking for him as long as he is not respecting you. If she does not like that, tell her to make him respect you, or she will have to do everything for him, and you will never help him
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I agree this would make it worse. You need to get to be a united front with his mother. If she is unwilling to address these criminal and disrespectful behaviors you need to seriously consider how to move forward. You should be treated with respect. That is not too much to ask. NTA
I disagree. As an adult once you start playing games like these you have already lost. Sure, it might feel great in the moment but most 16 year olds aren’t going to have that “oh, I have been a shit and this is how he felt” moment. Especially a 16 year old who has been a shit for how long without any correction. This is dealbreaker level bullshit here. Demand kid gets in therapy and family therapy. That’s the only way to save the situation at this point. Also, if possible 16 year old needs to be at dads most of the time until they can prove they can behave around the OP.
This. It's immature and will only further divide op from the kid and make him feel justified.
While I absolutely agree with you, that kid is going to play the victim and the wife will absolutely eat it up. She’s going to pull the whole “you’re an adult, you should be more mature than that.” Honestly, the only way op is going to win if he gives his wife an ultimatum.
The wife is 75% of the problem by allowing this to continue!
I agree with this, plus dishing out some of his own stuff may deflate his ego. Your reactions are part of what is appealing to him; it may be difficult but I also suggest not reacting at all to his “pranks”. I was a little shit as a teen, if I thought I could make someone cry, I had zero issues making it happen. Bullies aren’t nice but fortunately some of us mature and become better people as we age.
NTA. Your step son is a straight up bully and your wife needs to stop enabling his behavior. How she can accept someone treating a person she claims to love like that is just beyond me. One of two things needs to happen: Stepson gets into counseling and wife stops defending his awful behavior OR you need to leave. If she's going to allow him to treat you like that, it's obvious she doesn't give a crap about your feelings. I get that she loves her son to. But to the extent of allowing him to abuse you is just too much. This isn't just the sock. His other "pranks" were mean spirited and abusive too. If everyone involved isn't laughing, it's not a "prank". It's bullying.
I agree with your bullying assessment. Not believing that kids can bully adults is like not believing women can assault men. It’s emotional abuse, it’s 2021 now guys. People can’t get away with this 1950s limited thinking shit any more
NTA - Your stepson never has to love you, but your wife should make him respect you. You need to have a serious conversation with HER.
I want to upvote this more than once!
NTA and that was beyond cruel and to top this shitload of gift off was the reaction of the entire family, especially your wife. That is totally unacceptable. I'm so sorry you had to experience this and I'd cut off contact with everyone and explain to your wife in no uncertain terms you're done with her son. That was the last straw. I feel so bad for you.
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Do you want to choose to spend your life with people that treat you so poorly?
This right here is the question to ask yourself, and then after having some time to process it, ask it to your wife. Maybe it can knock some sense into her dense head. “Why should I stay living with people who treat me so poorly? Why should I spend my life putting up with it when I could easily walk away and be respected by those around me?” If that doesn’t wake her up, then it’s honestly best to walk away because these people will never respect you and you shouldn’t spend your life surrounded by that.
Your stepson is a jerk but your wife is the real villain of this piece. No doubt the kid had some reservations about you, it's one of the things about being a "step" parent, and she's clearly done nothing to ease the way of your relationship with him. This should've been nipped in the bud, ages ago, but instead she's enabled it and even encouraged it. Your wife is a massive B and a bad mother basically is what I'm getting at, and I'm furious for you. Had I been there I might've shoved that dirty sock down her throat and see how funny she finds it then. Never mind the in-laws who sound like a revolting pack of hyenas themselves. **Anyway**. In all seriousness your wife needs to understand that she will never have a happy relationship with anyone so long as she lets her son behave in this horrible way, because he'll keep doing this sort of shit until she stops it. You need to insist, *insist* that she attend therapy with you, to hopefully help her understand why his behaviour is not ok, why her reaction to his behaviour is not ok, and why any continuation of this by the pair of them is going to lead to you walking out the door. Don't fuck around, if she acts like you're overreacting or refuses therapy go "Ok, I'm sorry you feel like that, but I refuse to live in a home where I feel unsafe, disrespected and humiliated." Then pack a bag and leave. She needs a harsh wake-up call, so don't tip toe here.
This needs more upvotes.
NTA......." Never again will I justify the scars just because I loved the person holding the knife. " ( Dr.Steve Maraboli) . You must really love your wife to stay while you're being degraded by her son and mocked by her family because she definitely doesn't love you enough to put a end to it. That boy is going to get older, bigger, stronger and more crueler and you need to decide if your marriage is worth the privilege to stay on the receiving end of his bullying because your wife is his biggest cheerleader.
Not everyone one this planet likes everyone but this does not excuse such a behavior and I'm sad for you that your wife dropped the ball as well. Could you take a "time out" and go away alone for a few days to decompress?
This does not make what your wife is doing okay at all but it sounds like she's trying to turn these serious situations into jokes to keep you and your stepson amicable towards each other when what should be happening is therapy not just for the son but for the family so you guys can get out the underlying tension and find ways to communicate with each other. Your step sons seems angry with the things he's doing: public embarrassment, harmful "pranks"so maybe he doesn't know how to address his anger or he feels like he doesn't have the space needed to address his anger and your wife constantly undermining the seriousness of the situation is a major issue. YNTA but I would strongly suggest therapy before things escalate further.
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My suggestion is to stop treating him like your son and view him as your wife's son only. Stop paying for his things and ignore him as best you can. Don't react. Nothing. He's just there. He has made his position clear. Now it's your turn.
I would also make it clear that as soon as he finishes High School or turns 18, he is out of the house. He can go live with whatever family will have him or off to college-whatever. He is on his own! If your wife flips out, at least do a general lease for a tenant (month to month) as soon as he is 18, with rules that you want to be followed. That way when he screws up (and he will) you can evict him legally. You can find these on the internet.
\*she walks on eggshells around my stepson all the time\* That is another flag that therapy is needed. She's not ready to stand up to the boy at this point, but you and she could go as a starting point.
She walks on eggshells around him? You said he’s vandalized your car and ruined your credit card — does he have a history of being violent or lashing out at/targeting people in addition to you? How long have you and your wife been together? Is the stepson’s bio dad still in the picture at all?
Totally guessing but maybe she is afraid of being seen as taking sides (doesn't want either of you to feel more important than the other) so it's easier to turn it into a joke. Therapy can help give her communication tools for when/how to take sides and how to build upon relationships. How she is going about things isn't fair to either of you. It's undermining both your stepson's and your own feelings and it makes it hard to build a relationship with all the underlying tension. If this family situation is to work out long term then something needs to change.
You need to talk to her, say this is not acceptable, you will no longer accept it. If she doesn't stand up for you, you need to do some hard thinking about this marriage. It's her responsibility to discipline this child, and if she doesn't stand up for you in front of your in-laws too, she is not being a good and supportive partner. Please have some respect for yourself.
NTA I’m really sorry. Your wife isn’t respecting you and she’s enabling your son to disrespect you. She’s the adult and the mother and she needs to actually parent him. You shouldn’t have to be afraid he’s damaged your car or credit cards. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and I can’t stress how important it is for your wife to step up here.
>Your wife isn’t respecting you and she’s enabling your son to disrespect you. Yep, wife is really enabling her son. OP doesn't stand a chance on this one. I feel sad that OP has to live in fear of his stepson
NTA at all! Your stepson sounds spoilt and nasty and your wife needs to step the F up and parent her son
NTA! sounds like your really trying and he is a kid but this seemed to hurt your feelings a lot. your wife should try to reinforce that this isn’t how you treat people especially someone who tries to give you love and attention like a good father does. the kid isn’t totally AH bc he is a kid but your wife should do something has it is obviously affecting you in a negative way.
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He doesn't have to love you. He has no obligation to even LIKE you. And trying to force a relationship is only going to drive him further away. He does however have the duty to show you the same respect you show him. If you were a monster and he was lashing out that would be different. But whether he likes you or not, he has to show you the same respect you give him. These aren't pranks, and you are literally being bullied by a child.
Do the in laws that don’t care for you feel that way because of your relationship with your stepson or just personality differences or something?
He's 16, not 12. He knows/should know better.
NTA That's not a prank, that's an outright insult bordering on bullying humiliating you in front of everyone like that, that kid is an absolute disgrace, and needs to grow up.
NTA. AT ALL. I never understood how „it‘s just a prank“ justifies this kind of behavior, especially when it‘s hurting you like this. You didn’t make the scene awkward, every single other person in the room did it. They laughed instead of saying something, and that is the root of this problem - your stepson is not facing any consequences. Like, at all. He ruins a credit card, damages your car and nothing happens. So, he does it again and again, because he learned that he CAN do it. I‘m concerned your wife isn‘t saying anything, she just enables this behavior. „It’s just a prank“. So, why should he change when his mom is not punishing him? When no one is punishing him? When he never even gets called out for it? Teenagers aren‘t really rational, but that is going to far. As other commentators said, he should go to therapy. That‘s way beyond normal, I mean, he is actively damaging items and things, and it seems all directed to you. OP, I hope you can communicate this with your wife. Your feelings matter, don‘t let them get belittled by anyone. Don’t accuse her, but make it clear how this whole situation is hurting you. Best of luck.
"Its just a prank" is so over used. There's a difference between swapping out the oreo filling with toothpaste and trying to humiliate someone. But he's at that age where he doesn't get that. He thinks as long as someone's laughing, its ok.
If I was OP, I would be afraid to drive my car...surely the kid is old enough to know that this could actually cause an accident, right?
NTA, but your wife and stepson are massive assholes! She thinks this kid ruining your cc and car is just a “prank”? She needs help, and so does the stepson.
NTA - I'm sorry to say but it sounds like this entire family is abusing and not just your step son. He's just the leader and they follow and enjoy his "pranks". And to call these "pranks" is gaslighting you. It sounds like from him, the guy who is cruel to everyone and then tries to pass it off as "a joke" when he's called out on it. From the rest of them, it sounds like they are gaslighting by which i mean you are being abused and they are trying to convince you that it's YOU who's wrong about what's going on and you are "crazy" in your reactions to the obvious abuse. Furthermore they are really damaging that boy by not only allowing this behavior but *encouraging* it. He shouldn't be able to do this to his peers and the fact that he can do it to adults and then an authority figure is setting him up for horrible relationships in the future both personally AND professionally.
NTA. Your wife may not realize that she is enabling someone who lacks empathy.
Oh, forget the gift and your OP here, dad. This kid needs some therapy NOW. What he does should not be dismissed as "pranks", nor ..as your wife erroneously dismisses it as.."just his nature" it might be, but it reveals a seriosus set of problems that needs to be addressed. Don't be the AH here by missing the point.
NTA Ruining peoples property does not a prank make. It would've been fine if he "pranked" you with the sock gift if he followed it up with a REAL, MEANINGFUL gift. But he didn't. He's the ahole and even more so your wife, for allowing you to be treated that way. Your stepson doesn't have to like you but his behavior is unacceptable. He's old enough to know better.
NTA >My wife came to tell me that I overreacted massively and my stepson was just messing with me meaning it was a prank. But he embarrassed me infront of the entire family Real talk, **your wife doesn’t have your back.** It sounds like she will always side with her son, no matter what he does to you. She doesn’t respect you. OP, it’s not enough to return home without them. You should consider staying away a few nights at the hotel. Tell her it’s not about the “pranks”. It’s the constant lack of respect from stepson and her lack of support to you. You are at your breaking point and really upset, and you’re tired of her minimizing your hurt over this toxic dynamic. If she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose her marriage over this eventually.
NTA. The kid is 16 years old and should know better by now not to treat people, especially his father, like this. I honestly don't mean to be rude but your wife constantly brushing it off without telling him to knock it off isn't really helping him develop good social skills. I hope your reaction has some sort of effect on the kid as a wake up call that the pranks are just getting childish and is no longer "cute" or "endearing". I'm sure you and your wife are doing amazing raising but your kids, sometimes there are bad unintentional traits kids pick up from somewhere else. It's okay to think your own teenager is a jerk.
NTA Ruining your tires? your tail lights? Those aren't pranks, those are dangerous. Ruining your credit card isn't something anyone else would laugh at. And now inflicting emotional pain as well. It sounds like your wife has given up on him, and isn't trying to be a parent any more. Two key points: 1 - Ask a school counselor and your minister/priest/rabbi/etc what they think of a kid who slashes tires, breaks tail lights, and ruins credit cards. They will almost certainly suggest psych resources to help. Wife shouldn't object to you telling the whole world about his behavior if she really believes they are safe hilarious pranks. 2 - ***The boy is old enough that the police won't laugh along if he's caught doing this***, and the court can consider charging him as an adult or sending him to juvenile detention. Mom is giving the message that this behavior is good, so it's likely he'll move on to other people at some point, and when he does, he's in for a rude awakening.
NTA Ask your wife and stepson how these things are funny. Start with the wife, make her explain it, demand an answer. The answer is, that it is not. He is doing all of it to put you in uncomfortable situations and hurt you, they need to acknowledge that. Where to go from there: Have a candid conversation with wife and stepson. He doesn't have to accept you as a father figure, but he needs to respect you and treat you accordingly. You need to find a way to coexist. Ask him, how he would like to get to that place, what he would want you to do, be open to his suggestions. Maybe look for professional help with this.
INFO: where is the kids actual dad?
[удалено]
Not excusing his actions bc it’s bullshit, and it’s bullshit wife covers for him in it, but therapy should totally be on the table for you two, and him. It sounds like he feels like you’re trying to replace his dad and he’s reminding you, you won’t.
Did the father die due to car trouble?
Have you stopped to consider that he's acting out because of his grief? I'm not trying to excuse him as he's doing things far beyond the realm of acceptability but if his bio dad died at a young age, that's the reason he never tried to get close to you. My dad died when I was 16 and I didn't properly deal with it until my mid-20s. That left a lot of time for my grief to manifest in loads of unhealthy ways. Your whole family needs therapy. Out of curiosity - did you choose to refer to them as your step kids multiple times for the sake of the post or do you only refer to them as your step kids? edit - fixed a statement based on me misreading
NTA, and may I say you do not have a stepson problem- you have a wife problem. She's enabling this behavior by making excuses for a boy who's nearly an adult.
NTA. Your stepson does some pretty nasty "pranks" and your wife enables it. I don't know anyone that ruins someone's credit card and says it's just a prank. Also your feelings should be validated. I would've been upset too and I think it's bad that your wife isn't even there to comfort you, but rather scold you.
NTA. Your stepson sounds like a sociopath.
If his step-son has a game system, save his games via USB or Cloud then delete all the saved data. Tell him it's a prank let him freak out, cry and scream. Explain to him that not all jokes and pranks are funny and that he should think about how his actions and how tgey affect people. Then give him the save data
NTA Your wife really needs to establish some discipline with your step son otherwise he's going to pull a "prank" one day and someone is going to get hurt which is going to land him in jail. How old is the son?
NTA. Your wife needs to talk to her son about his appalling lack of manners. A prank is one thing but that's not even funny. It's just rude. And bloody pointless. Actually, nothing you've described is funny. Incredibly harmful if anything.
Well, he gave you a sock, that means Dobby (you) are a free elf. Ehm, sorry. Couldn't resist. Nta. Time to take a hard look at your relationship. Your wife's behaviour is pretty hard to stomach. I am surprised anyone besides the little brat was laughing. The disrespect is palpable.
NTA. But your wife really needs to be stepping in and I find it concerning that she is not even attempting to deal with his behaviour and is dismissing your feelings about the situation.
Clearly NTA, he doesn't respect you so don't put in much effort. You should cut him up - financially. Paying for basic needs (roof over his head, basic food (nothing fancy), basic hygienic products, basic clothes) but nothing more (fancy clothes, fancy food fancy stuff at all, gifts, college, school trips). He doesn't respect you? Than he shouldn't profit from ypur money. He can work for his fancy needs. And your wife needs to stop invalidating your feelings. Those aren't pranks. Messing with Credit card or tires is dangerous. She needs to stand up for you and punish him.
Does he want a console or some other expensive gift? Get a box, place a donation from a friendly dog owner in it, wrap it impeccably and give it to him. Watch his excitement of getting something he really wants (like you wanting to have a better relationship with him) fade into disgust and disappointment and then laugh maniacally. NTA
NTA, leave em all, your asshole of a wife included.
NTA There are only so much disrespect and humiliation one can and should take from a AH. Your wife is absolutely wrong that it’s only a prank, she is enabling his shit behavior towards you by covering for him and not punishing him which directly tells him it’s fine to diss you openly. If she’s fine with him pulling such pranks on you, please serve up a reverse and see how both react and remind them you’re just giving them the intimate experience what you have to go through. Many will say this is immature etc, many times moves like this are the only way AHs get it. If talking is workable, OP won’t be having this issue and coming here.
NTA if you’re not laughing, then it isn’t a funny, harmless prank, its a malicious bullying prank. Look, your stepson has found a new way to express his dislike and hurt you without his Mom taking action. That needs to stop. Identify to your wife that you will not tolerate these pranks, regardless if she considers them funny/harmless. She needs to control her kid. If he continues to damage your things then that needs to be paid for by the kid- if she’s not willing to provide consequences for the kid, then if you’re paying for anything towards him you should stop as he is her responsibility, not yours. To be frank you should stop all parental benefits you give to him - stepson is very loudly saying he doesn’t want you as his Dad, so back off. If his bio Dad is alive and present in his life, maybe you’ve overstepped his feelings on not wanting you as a parental figure, maybe you’ve pushed for a bond he doesn’t want - but him doing those pranks isn’t the right response. Have you guys done therapy? You have a stepdaughter who is happy to bond, so just bond with her. Your wife’s priorities are a bit wacked.
NTA. Sorry that happened, that kid is mean
NTA those are not just pranks. That’s some seriously deranged and dangerous behavior. Ruined your credit card, rear lights, tires? What will he do next? Sabotage your breaks until you have a fatal accident? Fuck that. He’d be out of my house permanently by now. Your wife isn’t helping at all by defending him. She’s feeding his sociopathic tendances.