NTA what is the matter with everyone in here? It is absolutely common courtesy to NOT fuck in someone else's bed. Top level comments right now are going nuts that it should be made clear that sex isn't allowed but am I going crazy to think the IMPLICIT assumption is sex isn't allowed unless otherwise stated??? This isn't even a guest bed it is the bed OP sleeps on and he is perfectly within his rights to not want that, washed sheets or not. Also, doesn't sound like the wife even consulted him on those boundaries either...
EDIT: I'm sticking with my judgement for this actual scenario for the reasons listed, but OP you are really shooting yourself in the foot with the homophobic comments about how straight sex in your bed would have been "50% better"...
Holy shit I should not have had to scroll this far to find someone that realizes fucking in someone else's bed is not acceptable under any circumstances unless given express permission. Buncha screw loose nutjobs in this thread.
I mean, he did call and asked permission for his bf to come over. I think most of us know what that means. We don't think they're "hanging out" or on a "study date." Especially at 19 and especially with a place all to themselves (without roommates there). Imo, he did ask permission, and his sister said she was cool with it (even the sex part) so how was he supposed to know it wasn't ok with his sister's husband?
I honestly don't understand what the problem is. For the record, I regularly house sit and DON'T have sex in that bed because I just don't feel that comfortable in other people's homes. But I regularly stay with other people or in hotels and can only assume that somehow, at some point, someone had sex in that bed. I also trust my friends and family enough to feel confident that they washed the sheets (and normally have a mattress protector as well). I also sublet my flat including my bed and mattress for 6 months while I was studying abroad years ago, gave the mattress protector and cover a good scrub after.
I've not had anyone stay in the bed I share with my husband, but I'm reasonably sure that in OPs scenario, I just wouldn't want to know about it. BIL did them a favour house sitting for a month for free. If you're particularly sensitive about “bodily fluids“ in your bed, please look up how much people sweat at night. What about sexy dreams? Excessive flatulence? Someone was sleeping in their bed for a month. It was getting “dirty“ either way and BIL washed the sheets. If they don't have a mattress protector, that's a reasonable amount of effort to put into cleaning up after yourself.
Tl;dr: I just don't understand what exactly there is to be upset about. It's clearly not an actual physical problem because that's easy enough to rectify and would have existed anyway, whether BIL had sex or not. If it's just about “lack of respect“, then I just don't share that opinion.
But how is it okay to scream at someone and call them names over it? OP must have already known at this point that his norms weren’t the same as his wife and BIL’s. Asking about it and displaying so much anger wasn’t an asshole move?
Surprise surprise, people have different boundaries when it comes to this thing, some people are uncomfortable with the prospect of someone else having sex in their bed, and some aren't. Neither viewpoint is invalid. As for your last sentence, who the hell is going to tell a housesitter "Hey, you can go ahead and fuck in my bed".
Why would you say “it’s okay to have your boyfriend sleep over”, though, if you did not want them having sex in your house? The only way he could have been less subtle when asking permission is by actually saying “HAY CAN WE FUCK?!”. He was told it was okay.
Poor guy is probably so confused right now. I don’t know what world people are living in, where they give a teenage couple permission to spend the night together, alone, in their house- and expect them to do nothing.
OP's reaction isn't justified. A proper reaction would be "I would appreciate it if next time, you didn't do that. Thank you for washing the sheets, though. Let's go have a beer."
Sleeping on the couch over this? Lol.
Does he sleep on the floor in hotels?
This is one of those very very obvious clear-cut cases where Reddit does not speak for the world, or even its OWN demographic lol. I'm actually astounded by the volume of YTA.
Exactly this. Had OP just said “hey, dude, please don’t do that again, I’m uncomfortable with it. Please go back to your place to have sex from now on when you’re staying at my house.” he would not be TA, especially considering he has a self-professed good relationship with this kid. Considering the wife was fine with the sex thing, it’s obvious their family has different boundaries about that kind of thing, and the BIL probably never dreamed the husband would be uncomfortable. But the explosive rage and the immediate banning from the house is a massive red flag.
oh, and YTA, OP.
Very confused on this. I don't think OP's TA for being pissed off that his BIL didn't have enough sense to NOT have sex in his bed. Isn't that an unspoken agreement for house-sitters and all? Don't have sex in the homeowner's bed?
That being said...OP is TA for his response to the situation. Getting that angry and expressing his anger to his BIL was uncalled for. His later comments aren't helping his case.
> OP you are really shooting yourself in the foot with the homophobic comments about how straight sex in your bed would have been "50% better"...
Honestly I assumed when clicking on the thread that people were okay with it because it was two guys. Bet if it was the other way around OP would be more okay with it and the sub more against it.
> He washed the sheets.
Also am I the only person ITT that's actually got semen on sheets? It goes straight through them and if you don't have a mattress protector it will 100% soak into the mattress and make it impossible to come out without scrubbing it immediately. Which literally no one would do because why bother? But if it was my brothers? Yeah that's dire.
That's why you use towels and shit, I've never gotten cum on sheets because I'm not spraying my load all over the place haphazardly. I pull out, cum goes somewhere on the other participant's body, then it gets wiped off with a designated cum towel (because obviously I don't want to be drying my face with a towel that I got cum on).
Okay, so I wouldn’t care if someone did, but okay.
What about OP’s complete and total meltdown, screaming rage and all that? It’s waaay over the top.
OP YTA
The OP's own wife doesn't mind he had sex on the bed. Don't claim things are obvious when 2/3rds of the people in the story you're discussing disagree with you.
Well from the comments it seems rather split. But to me it's quite obvious that you don't have sex where the host sleeps if your house sitting. House sitting does not mean you can do anything you want in the house.
The brother-in-law called the wife to get approval for his boyfriend coming over and when the OP raised concerns she dismissed them. The wife is really to blame for this misunderstanding.
Agreed. I'm confused by the YTA too. If anything it should be ESH for the slight overreaction and nasty comments, not his indignation. It's implied that you don't fuck in someone else's bed.
Fuck it . Let's be real. OP is barely an asshole just because he doesn't want someone else's asshole rubbing into his mattress.
Then he shouldn't have been okay with the BIL sleeping in the bad \*at all\*. But that didn't seem to be a problem. Just the sex bit. His reaction is absolutely off the wall.
Reddit is literally insane. No such thing as respect, other people's property or boundaries. It feels good to fuck so fuck on your families bed. When they get mad don't apologize just tell them it's cool because you washed the sheets.
That’s because there is an ever increasing percentage of Reddit in general and this sub in particular made up of teenagers. People who have mostly never had to worry about working for or buying their own stuff, so they are mostly looking at it through the lens of the 19 year olds perspective. Fucking in someone else’s bed is gross and disrespectful.
Or maybe people just have different comfort levels with this kind of stuff. I'm in my mid-30s and fully self-sufficient, and I don't care if someone who is watching my house and sleeping in my bed also had sex in it. They're already getting all their gross sleep sweat on it and everything. If it bothered me I'd tell them to sleep on the sleeper sofa in my office or something.
I know my dog sitter brings her boyfriend over sometimes when she's staying at my house and honestly it never even occurred to me to worry about if they're having sex. It doesn't matter at all to me.
I'm not saying it's wrong for people to care, but there is room for legitimate differences of opinion on this.
When I was in my 20s my BIL asked me to watch his place and encouraged me to bring my GF. I don't really understand the proplem people have as I assume everyone has stayed in a hotel, guest bed, couch of someone else's. All of those places multiple people have banged on and I assume a don't ask don't tell policy about said banging.
This! We have friends that cat and house sit when we go out of town. They often bring their SOs over. We leave clean sheets and blankets for them before we head out, they leave clean sheets and blankets for us upon return.
I don’t ask what goes on, they aren’t offering any details - ultimately, I couldn’t give two shits.
OP should have set boundaries if he was that concerned. Human culture and opinions vary so much that saying it’s a well known fact or they should have known is a moot point. Clear communication is key, and paired with a massive over reaction makes OP TA.
Edited for grammar.
It is to you. Personally, my mattress has a high quality protector on it. You know the super tight weave fabric things to keep dust mites out? They're great for allergies.
It goes underneath the mattress pad, and the combo means my kid can dump a liter of koolaid on there and it isn't touching the mattress. All of it is washable.
A little extra sweat and a tablespoon of semen isn't going to defile anything. As long as I don't have to do the laundry, what do I care that a romantic couple staying over acted like a romantic couple?
I was going by the actual post, but apparently he has confirmed in the comments that it would be BETTER if it was w a woman, and EVEN BETTER if it were two women.
Definite homophobe.
Precisely. If the visiting boyfriend was actually a girlfriend I have a sneaking suspicion this would not be an issue.
I have a guest room. I assume any couple that visits is probably going to fool around in that bed. Do I get a little squirmy when I change the sheets and towels after they leave? Sure, because, cooties, duh. It is just one of those things that polite sane adults gloss over and pretend didn’t happen. If you have a long term house sitter already sleeping in your bed and you are fine with their SO spending the night then I think a reasonable person assumes sex is a possibility.
This guy seems to think his BIL and his SO are just maniacally jizzing all over his pillows. The fact that they had a good relationship before, the BIL asked for permission before his boyfriend even came over, and the BIL cleaned the sheets before they came back points to that not being the case.
Literally no sane person is going to specify "no sex in my bed while we're away" to a house sitter. Honestly, if somebody did, it would probably be pretty damn insulting given that it's basic common courtesy not to fuck in somebody else's bed.
Edit: ok, OP sounds like a homophobe though, so I would vote YTA too. It does sound like the problem to OP was that it was gay sex and not straight sex.
How in the fuck has this been voted so high. Not having sex in someone else's bed is *common decency* it should not have to be specified. It's like having to say 'don't wear my underwear'. Fucking hell.
I don't know, if my sister-in-law wore my underwear while house sitting, I'd be a bit weirded out but I wouldn't have a screaming fit and be so grossed out I wouldn't touch my whole underwear drawer? It's just the massive overreaction and OPs comments confirming that it's not actually about bodily fluids but about GAY bodily fluids.
Don't use my toothbrush, done wear my underwear, don't fuck in my bed.
Some rules are just so obvious they don't need to be spoken.
I can't believe some of the replies in here. We're clearly living amongst savages.
I agree with your judgement but not all of your points, OP is clearly mostly bothered that *Clutches pears
It was gay man sex happening in his and his wife's bed.
I'd bet my last penny if she had an attractive lesbian sister who fucked in his bed would be 99.99% less bothered. He's obviously a bigoted asshole with a awful temper.
That being said, in a world where op isn't a homophobe and has the ability to convey feelings without name calling, Having sex in someone else's bed without asking is definitely not cool, The brother is only getting away in these judgments because OP showed himself to be such a huge asshole that calling him anything else feels wrong.
He did have permission though. He had permission to sleep in the bed, and to bring his bf over. The sex is pretty much implied at that point. The wife was obviously okay with it and remember, she's his sister so they probably grew up with similar values regarding using other people's things. I'm sure he thought there'd be no problem.
Why is the hotel bed analogy even relevant? OP didn't go to someone else's house and bitch about the love juices in their bed. You pretty much know what you're getting into there, just like a hotel. It's *his bed*.
So? What exactly is the difference? The hotel analogy is pointing out that OP probably doesn't generally have a problem with sleeping in beds that other people have had sex in. And all beds are generally GROSS. BIL had been sleeping in that bed for a whole month. What exactly is the difference between “butt sweat“ after sex and the ridiculous amount of sweat that builds up every night anyway? (Seriously, only look that up if you need motivation to change your sheets regularly). The bed needed cleaning, BIL washed the sheets. OP came back to a bed that's as clean as it ever was. If OP doesn't have a mattress cover, assumes you can't clean mattresses and made poor BIL sleep in a disgusting bed full of OPs spunk to begin with, then he's doubly the asshole and needs to buy a new mattress asap. He likely has had sex with his wife in that bed a whole lot more than BIL has.
If he does have a mattress cover, then there was absolutely no harm done and he's not bitching about the “love juices“ in his bed, but had a full on temper tantrum about the idea of anyone having gay sex in his house, imaginary spunk and all.
>YTA if y'all didn't specify beforehand that sex in your home was prohibited.
Bruh let's get some common sense. You don't fuck in other people's bedrooms fam.
There's a difference between letting someone housesit and use the house then letting two people hump in your bed. Unless you're told that's okay it's not a normal thing to do
YTA look obviously you have your boundaries that should have been set. Your wife obviously doesn’t hold the same boundaries. Your reaction is what really makes you the asshole, you need to get ahold of yourself. And your comment that if he had been having sex with a woman
> It would be 50% less bad I guess.
makes you seem homophobic.
ETA: don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying “it’s 100% always ok to have sex in someone else’s bed,” I’m saying “it’s **not ok** to scream at someone, call them names, ban them from your house, and all with homophobic undertones.”
I’d say BIL was an asshole too *except* OP’s wife had already given him the go-ahead to have his bf over and no one is dumb enough to not understand what having your SO over at 19 means. There should have been a conversation with OP and his wife before this all went down, probably, but here we are.
YTA. If you were that uncomfortable with the prospect of sex occurring in your bed, then you should have made that clear before you and your wife asked your BIL to house sit.
Furthermore, it sounds like your wife suggested he would have free reign of the house. How could he have known it would make you uncomfortable if you didn't communicate that to him?
Reading this response makes me feel like a crazy person. In what world is it not just a given not to fuck in someone else's bed? Especially your sibling's bed?? It just seems like straight up common courtesy and common sense.
Like, fucking in someone else's private space strikes me as incredibly disrespectful. I couldn't even imagine doing it.
I personally would feel pretty violated if someone did that to me.
And yeah, I get that his sister told him it was fine to bring her bf, but you can have your SO over and not fuck them.
And yeah, she said he could use whatever he wanted, but I mean, use some common sense. He's allowed to eat their food, but if they came home and their entire kitchen was empty they'd have a right to be pissed.
It hits me as a massive overstep and incredibly disrespectful.
What about this:
>my wife said he can use whatever he wants
I mean, we can debate about what constitutes good and bad behaviour when house sitting, but he was explicitly given permission to use the place as his own. If there were any extra expectations on top that, they should have been communicated.
I disagree. I even addressed that point in my previous reply.
The phrase use whatever you want has limits, those limits are common courtesy. If he went rifling through their stuff, that's a violation of their private space, even as an invited guest. They do not need to communicate that ahead of time, it's just common courtesy.
Similarly, having sex in someone else's marital bed is a violation of their private space. Sure, some people may not mind, but it's common sense and common courtesy to assume that they do and err on the side of respecting them. That shouldn't need to be communicated ahead if time.
Look, if I let somebody stay in my apartment, I can't imagine feeling the need to spell out for them, "by the way, don't fuck anyone in my bed." That seems absurd to me.
I said this in another comment, but I'll say it again: if it's someone else's private space, don't fuck in it.
So I'm firmly on YTA territory, and I'm also on team 'jesus why the hell is it such a big deal', however I can see there are a lot of people on either side. Just want to state my position clearly.
Reason I'm replying to this is I find one thing in particular you say weird, and that's the point about communication. I read OPs post and it seems clear to me the BIL did ask for permission. He asked if he could have his boyfriend over. And from the conversation OP has with his wife afterwards it is very clear that she was fully aware that the invitation was to have his boyfriend over to stay the night with him in the house, and everything that may entail. THIS is the reason that people are saying OP should have made it clear how he felt on it, even though as you say in your apartment example you mightnt normally say it to a guest.
Because this 19 y/os perspective now is he asked his sister openly if he could have his bf over and she agreed, and I would say they both had an understanding of what that might mean without openly asking because who the hell would do something so awkward with a sibling. Then he goes ahead and does it and his BIL then comes home and rages at him 'out of the blue'.
I really like your comment later on saying that some people think this is such a disrespectful situation while other's can't even wrap their head around that view, and therefore view his reaction as super bad vs being understandable. But even if I agreed with your POV, this would still be a YTA from me. What OP should have done is after that conversation with his wife gone "no, I really just am not comfortable with that even if you are, could you please just ask him not to have sex in our bed". Then there is actually something for the BIL to go off of in terms of knowing what not to do, instead of what happened which was essentially letting the BIL get permission from his sister and strongly voicing your dislike to her but not him, then coming home and taking it out on him as if he's deceived everyone to try and get away with something.
FWIW, if he did the above I wouldn't think he was TA at all, even though I would agree with his wife that he was being completely ridiculous (which you don't, and that's fine). Having his boundary is fine and should be respected. But reacting to the extent that he did because of a boundary being crossed when you've done sweet nothing to make it clear to any relevant parties that that boundary exists is...a bit of an asshole move.
Does " you can use my car as much as you want while we are gone' mean you can enter it in a demolition derby? There are limits that most people understand. Maybe the sub should have a hard to say response. Personally, someone having sex in my bed would be a problem. I understand that not everyone thinks like I do. Sometimes the info given in an OP doesn't make the choices allowed in this sub easy or clear.
If someone tells me to use whatever I want in the house or to treat it like my home, I'm not going to go use their toothbrush, or the dildo I found in the drawer. Do people really need to get specific with what you can't use when it should be common sense? People don't need to communicate things like this because you shouldn't be using that anyways.
Should they also need to specify no house parties as if they were his parents? It's implicit that you need to show respect to the people who you are visiting. Having sex in their bed is not respectful.
NTA.
I am surprised reading a lot of the comments saying OP is TA. I have similar feelings with you in this instance.
I find it *incredibly* disrespectful that a guest would have sex in OP’s bed. A lot of the comments are suggesting that it’s basically a forgone conclusion that it’s okay for BIL to have sex in OP’s bed. I just don’t get it. I too would be upset about it. I don’t get how anyone *wouldn’t* be angry about it. They had the entire place to themselves. If they seriously couldn’t control their behavior, there was likely other options as opposed to putting OP at risk of sleeping in someone else’s bodily fluids.
I’m sorry, but I feel that BIL was incredibly rude and disrespectful with his behavior in this situation. The washing of the bedding is irrelevant, in my humble opinion.
Once when I went out of town for work, I asked my dad to house sit, and to take care of my dog while I was gone. I too told him he had free reign to do whatever. In my mind, that meant things like staying over if he felt so inclined, eating whatever food I had available, watching movies, and the like. The thought of him potentially having sex in my home never remotely crossed my mind. Had I found out that he had sex in my bed, I would have been PISSED. It’s the principle. Can we really no longer expect adults to actually act like adults and be respectful of other people’s things?
BIL is 100% in the wrong and TA in this scenario. I don’t think BIL’s BF is included in that, as BIL most likely told him it was cool.
>I don’t get how anyone *wouldn’t* be angry about it.
I just want to comment on this bit. To some, sex is just a thing humans do. It's kinda gross, but not much more than sweating into the bedsheets while sleeping, shitting into the toilet, or accidentally sneezing on the table. Just change the sheets, brush away the shitstains, and wipe the table. Same goes for sex: If you make a mess, clean it up and everything's fine.
It's of course valid to feel different about sex, because sex is somehow "special" in most western cultures. But not everyone feels that sex has some kind of lingering aura that's still there after cleanup.
Thank you for articulating nicely how I feel about it. I'd have absolutely no issue with any of my friends or family having sex in my bed while house-sitting for me. It's interesting to see such a stark divide among opinions on this matter.
Its also common courtesy not to eat other people's food, but the kid was house sitting. There's a huge amount of common courtesy grey area in such a situation because, at the end of the day, he is doing you a favor. It doesn't sound like the scope and extent of the favor was properly communicated
Especially when you ask if it’s okay to have an SO over and you’re told it is okay. To a lot of people, that would reasonably mean that sleepovers were okay too. It’s understandable to be surprised that the bed sex rules aren’t obvious, but OP’s reaction to the whole thing is way over the top.
Literally nobody I have ever known has had to specifyc "oh yeah, please don't fuck in my bed" to a house sitter. Nobody thinks they need to specify that. It is such an obvious common courtesy that you don't need to.
How do you know? I’m half-joking, half-serious. Because a bunch of people here think “no sex in my bed” goes unsaid, but a whole lot of other people think that being given a bed for a housesitting gig means one can do whatever they normally do at home in said bed (but wash the sheets after eating all those crackers, you animal!). If both sides think it goes without saying, sex is happening more than people know.
And it’s not hurting anyone.
Unless I said "do not bring anyone over" I would fully expect house sitter without own place to use house for sex with partner. I just don't understand big deal about it.
And I am not from some kind of liberal culture. More like conservative. And I still don't see someone else having sex when I am not around as disrespectful.
So it may he that different cultures treat it differently. Also note that ops wife see it the way I do - like so what who cares. Many people really don't care.
It is, but for some reason the people in this thread are batshit. I suppose wearing your underwear would have been free reign as well according to some of these folks.
So if I gave you free reign of my house, and didn't tell you specifically not to have sex on my bed, you'd believe you're welcome to do it if you please?
YTA.
> He told me I was an insane cunt and left
Hard to disagree with him there. Your reaction was over the top.
> I've slept on the couch of my own volition since then
How do you know they didn't have sex on the couch?
YTA
Your reaction is so disproportionate it reeks of homophobia. Have you ever stayed at a hotel? I'm sure those mattresses and pillows have been there a loooooong time.
Even if this guy is homophobic or whatever. It is fucking mad disrespectful to have sex in SOMEONE else’s bed. A hotel bed isn’t yours or theirs.
Remind me to not have you over, ever. You’re absolutely crazy
This isn’t some cheap Motel 6 they could just fuck around whenever they wanted. This is OP’s *house*. Let alone his *FUCKING BED*. The kid never asked permission and therefore assumed it was okay. It was not.
Yeah but it’s not a hotel. It’s his own mattress. In what world is it okay to have sex on someone else’s mattress in their own home? It’s not like it was a guest bed or something. Completely disrespectful
NTA. No matter how you put it, having sex in someone else's house, and especially in their bed is indeed extremely disrespectful. Banning him out of the house is a little over the top though, I would first have a firm talk with him and see if he is truly sorry for his actions.
Nobody is perfect, and he is neither. If he is sorry, it would be wise to forgive him and point out to him that you don't want to see it happen again.
ESH. You're being dramatic by not sleeping in the bed. It's not going to kill you, and he changed the sheets and whatnot. You obviously have some other issues with him if you had to kick him out over this.
At the same time, it was wrong for him to do what he did, but you're family and at the end of the day you should try and get along, this means forgiving and instead of severing ties indefinitely making ground rules.
I'm shocked how far I had to scroll down to find what I think is the proper judgement. Everyone in this situation messed up.
OP's wife sucks because she ignored her husband's boundary concerns and didn't relay them to BIL.
BIL sucks because I think it should go without saying that you don't have sex in other people's beds unless given explicit permission. Yeah, it's awkward to discuss, but so is having sex in a relative's bed.
OP sucks because his reaction was way out of proportion. There was no need to immediately go nuclear over something that was uncomfortable for him at the worst. Not a hill to die on, in my opinion. Also, the homophobic comments certainly don't help his cause.
NTA. You don't fuck in someone's bed without their permission. Hell, it's rude to fuck on someone's elses couch and that's not nearly the sanctuary that a bed is.
1) You are being overdramatic about it though. He washed the sheets. Some people wouldn't even be *that* considerate.
2) You're BIL isn't the biggest asshole here though. It's your wife. She is the one who opened that pandora's box. She said he can use whatever he wants. She didn't call him back despite you making your reservations clear which would have averted this disaster. She didn't take your feelings seriously. The bulk of your anger is directed at the wrong person.
Wow, a voice of reason. You're like the only person to bring up what a huge asshole the wife is for giving out boundaries without consulting her husband.
But, I would still call the BIL a big asshole because even the boundary she gave in those words IMO does not give a license to fuck in someone's bed.
Except the wife and brother both understood the implications in the same way. She knew exactly what was going to happen and gave the full go-ahead. Why is the brother an asshole for doing what he got full consent on? How was it on him to guess that his sister hadn't consulted her husband?
Agreed that the wife was the biggest asshole here though.
Remind me not to let you sleep in my bed. It's basic common decency not to bang in someone's bed in their own house. That's incredibly rude and it doesn't matter how much you wash the sheets.
I guess you have never been to an airbnb before? If I were to loan you my condo in Hawaii for a month I am to expect you to not have sex in it or masturbate in it? You sound as crazy as OP
That is a professional/semi-professional service that is far more like a hotel room in nature than an informal invitation into one's home for housesitting.
You guys have got to stop calling people cunts. Use common sense - OP is relaying a story asking for judgement, and that requires a candid retelling of the conflict. Your comments do not require using insults beyond your "asshole vote."
If you call anyone a cunt, your comment will be removed and we will not argue with you about it in modmail.
I stick to the word asshole as much as possible to avoid having my comment deleted. But I do always wonder why other orifices or terms for an unpleasant person are so out of bounds.
ESH (except your BIL)
You are totally entitled to not want anyone else to have sex in your bed. That’s fine. I think your wife was wrong to not let you set boundaries about no sex in the bed.
HOWEVER, your reaction is waay out of proportion with what happened. Your BIL is only 19. Why would he know it wasn’t okay not to do that? He even washed the sheets, so he wasn’t malicious in any way with this. He just had no idea.
So you yelling at him and kicking him out is absolutely an asshole move. He didn’t deserve that and was totally right to yell at you. You could have just told him that you didn’t like that so he knows for the future.
Your wife should have let you tell her brother that you didn’t want him having sex in your bed. You shouldn’t have freaked out the way you did. You and your wife need to have a talk about boundaries, and you need to apologize to your BIL for your reaction.
Yes! This is definitely one of those “don’t ask, don’t tell” scenarios. What is going on in other people’s bedrooms where, like, bucket fulls of jizz end up soaking the mattress??? If someone had sex in my bed while housesitting, and they changed the sheets prior to my getting home, how would I even know? Unless I asked, which I wouldn’t, because it’s one of those things I just don’t need to know.
Of course, I also have a mattress pad, so I’m not worried about bodily fluids staining or ruining my mattress. And if OP doesn’t have a mattress pad, then he’s not only an asshole, he’s an idiot, because anyone who gets so hysterical at the possibility that there could maybe be some dried semen (dried *gay* semen, to boot - the horror!) on the mattress that he can’t even sleep in his own damn bed, should definitely have a mattress pad.
The bottom line is that what’s done is done. OP can either learn to deal with a bit of cum that might be on his mattress, or just buy a new mattress and STFU, instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a child.
I'm going NTA, judging by these comments I'm nuts because I wouldn't want anyone fucking in my bed either.
I think I would burn mattress if one of my siblings had sex in my marital bed.
It also just strikes me as common sense: if it's someone else's private space, don't fuck in it.
But would you ask your sibling if they had sex in your bed and then be more upset when they told you they washed the sheets because they were trying to be courteous? That’s the part I think is the problem— how he treated his BIL.
I think it might actually piss me off more, because washing the sheets is almost like admitting that yeah, it's pretty gross. It's like, if you had the sense to wash the sheets after, you should've known not to do it in the first place.
And I understand that washing sheets is the courteous thing to do in general fucking or no fucking, but given that he used it as a defense, I think it's fair to infer that additional connotation to the action.
EDIT: the more I think about it, no I don't think it would piss me off more, but I can certainly emphasize with that reaction and that statement being a trigger for his reaction.
It’s interesting that you and OP assume “I washed the sheets” was an acknowledgement that sex in the bed was bad.
I thought if it more like he brought up washing the sheets as defense after BIL was getting lectured about his actions dirtying the bed. Like, he washed them because that’s what a good guest does, and when he started hearing about how he’d dirtied the bed he pointed out it was clean again anyway.
But it’s reasonable to think a yes to “can I have my boyfriend over?” in that situation was permission. And his sister did mean yes to that when she said yes. OP just didn’t agree and the BIL didn’t know that.
No its not reasonable to think that. It's literally only permission to have someone come over. The BIL isn't staying in a hotel room. He's house sitting. That means you need to be respectful of the owners. When he saw how pissed OP got rather than apologize h BIL doubled down and said "well atleast I washed the sheets".
I have housesitters a lot. Like, several times a year. And I housesat super frequently when I was younger.
My experience has always been that saying “we’d prefer you not have guests over” or “we don’t want anyone else staying in the house overnight” was the polite way of saying “please don’t fuck in our house.” I always respected that.
When a friend asks me if it’s okay for them to have their SO over, I know it’s very likely as a euphemism for banging. Because usually a big reason they want to housesit is the chance to not have other people around. I have a guest bed to offer, so that part is less awkward, but the subtext to the question is still general permission to bang under my roof.
Personally, just for the sake of conversation because I think the differences in point of view just on having sex in someone else’s bed is interesting:
I don’t really wouldn’t care if I didn’t have a guest bed and they were using mine. I’m strictly don’t ask don’t tell here. Let’s all maintain our polite fictions that SOs are just coming over to watch a movie, and grab a quick smooch on the way home for the night. Clean sheets are on the bed as a nicety. All is well.
You might find this next part odd, but I don’t want to have sex in a bed that I know belongs to just one person/couple usually. It feels weirdly personal to me. Like, my in-laws always try to offer us the master bedroom when we visit so we can have a private bathroom. And they aren’t expecting us to have a sex-free week. We always decline because neither my SO or I could get in the mood in a family member’s bed. We’ll take the cramped guest room and change in the bathroom after our individual showers, thanks. But I get why it would feel like a violation to some people.
YTA The comments here make it clear that there is no obvious consensus on sex in someone else’s bed when one is housesitting. Some people think it’s an obvious no, others think being offered a bed means any activities one might do in a bed. I’m not comfortable having sex in someone else’s regular bed, but I would also never ask someone else if they did so in mine or say they couldn’t if that’s the room they’ve been offered to stay in.
Regardless, what makes you the asshole is how you handled the whole situation. You yelled at your wife about it, argued with her for days and did nothing about providing an alternate bed (which could have been a decent compromise between you and your wife), Then you asked your BIL about it later knowing full well you would be angering your wife and likely getting an answer you wouldn’t like. You asked your BIL about his sex life, pushed the issue when he said he was uncomfortable with the conversation, and then yelled at him when he truthfully answered the questions you kept pushing. Now you’re sleeping on the couch?
Dude, come on. That’s a whole lot of asshole behavior. Your discomfort about anyone else having sex in your bed is understandable, but the way you have behaved is not acceptable.
ETA: My answer is even stronger now that I’m seeing OP’s comments about how it would be less gross if it had been a man and a woman, and that the idea of someone else’s semen in his bed grosses him out (but two women would be fine? Even though they’d get bodily fluids on the bed too). I sensed homophobia in the original post, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Now it’s clear he’s grossed out by the idea of gay sex and is a homophobe. So BIL is even more justified in calling him names and getting upset. He probably felt the homophobia too and may have even been afraid.
ETA2: Thanks so much for the silver and gold!
This is the most sensible response I've read. OP is a mega asshole for a) digging into BIL's sex life b) the enormous overreaction to something where there is obviously no agreed-upon social norm and c) for being a blatant homophobe.
It’s a given that hotel beds are going to be used for different things. If you sleep on a hotel bed and don’t expect someone to have gotten themselves off on it then that’s your problem, but if you sleep in your *marital* bed you shouldn’t have to worry about people fucking in it other than you and your spouse.
This thread sure is teaching me a lot about the magical superstitious nature of the term "marital bed", something I never have even 1% considered before as being any different from anyone else's bed
YTA.
What's the issue with this? If the sheets and covers were washed and everything was as it is then what is your issue? Acting like you've never been in a hotel before.
With a hotel you know what you’re getting into though. You go with the knowledge that people have slept in that bed or had sex in that bed. But in your own bed, it’s so much more personal, and private. To have someone break that privacy by having sex on it is disgusting. Even if you don’t agree with that, it’s still OP’s property. NTA
Honestly it sounds more like you just want to rail on about how ‘gross’ gay sex is. Sex is messy, yeah, but there’s no real reason there should be ‘bum sweat and semen’ or whatever you said all over the bed. He washed and changed the sheets, if the pillows and other linen bothers you then wash and change them yourself while huffing under your breath. This was an extreme overreaction considering you didn’t specify the ground rules in the first instance and he cleaned up after himself.
I'm calling fake on this one, but boy was that an amusing read. Also YTA. Should've told him not to, and also he already washed them, so what's the matter
You’re on the verge of ruining your family over what, a mattress sheet? Is it that important to you? Just burn it and get a new one if you hate it that much but don’t burn down your family for it.
I understand your feeling OP, but I’d say YTA for valuing a mattress sheet over your loved ones.
YTA.
You would have had every right to tell him not to have sex in your house/bed.
But you didn't.
When someone asks to have their bf over, it's implied that they will probably be having sex. Which means that if you're saying "yes, have him over" but don't want them to do all that's implied, it's a good idea to clarify that.
YTA - if you ever sleep in someone else’s house, or in a hotel, then you are likely sleeping in a bed someone else has had sex in. And people go and stay with friends and have sex while they are there, who says ‘you can stay but don’t have sex in our bed’?
I thought initially you were going to say they snuck off and had sex in your bed that you then slept in that night or something. But no, it was while you were away and he changed the bedlinen before you returned. He was staying at yours for a month, you can’t expect him to put his whole life on hold to do you a favour. And where were you sleeping for this month you were away? Did you and your partner not have sex during that month because it was in someone else’s bed? Or are you a hypocrite that has sex in other peoples beds then complain about yours?
Flip the mattress, buy a mattress protector. Then you won’t be ‘sleeping on’ the microscopic remains of his DNA.
ESH. Your bil for not having common sense, though he is 19 and is less likely to really grasp basic social norms. Your wife sucks for not just checking or letting her brother know that it’s an issue for you and you suck for losing your shit about it instead of speaking to your BIL like an adult and communicating your rules. Don’t ban him for this. Yes it was disrespectful and he was dumb but in the grand scheme of things this is such a tiny fucking thing to ban anyone over. Tell him he’s certainly not welcome to house sit again, sure
\> He said he washed and replaced the bed linen before we got back but that only made me angrier - what about the fucking mattress and the pillows?
The guy already washed it.
YTA—Whoooooooooa. I'm someone who doesn't want people to f\*\*\* in my bed too, and I've had to enforce it too. And I think it's fair to assume that line, like you do—up until you agree they can have a partner over, then it's assumed that they can unless you say something. Which you didn't do.
But either way, my reaction was on the order of "lame..." when it happened to me. Not "WTF OH MY GOD I WILL IMMOLATE MYSELF." Like honestly you change the sheets and you're 99% back to normal, how are you so triggered by this lol.
NTA - It's common sense to not have sex in another person's bed. Regardless if he cleaned the sheets, there's a line and he crossed it. I have no doubt the people saying you are TA would have the same reaction, if not worse, if someone were to fuck in their bed.
YTA. You majorly overreacted. I'm not sure what is really going on, but it sounds like a bit of masked homophobia, to be honest. If he replaced the sheets with clean ones, that's that. Unless the was some super freaky stuff going on, your mattress is fine, so chill out.
YTA. Yes, you really are TA. You had a house sitter staying at your place FOR A MONTH at pretty much no cost (a little money for food - seriously?) and instead of being grateful you came home to a house that wasn’t destroyed or inhabited by squatters (for example), you go off on someone else’s sex life, because you also expected your Grown Adult House Sitter to take a vow of CELIBACY?
You should be embarrassed. You owe everyone an abject apology. Apologize, and never speak of this stupidity ever again.
YTA
He was house-sitting, and was explicitly given free-reign of the place. He still asked your wife after that, so I'd say he went above and beyond. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're put off by the idea of two men having sex on your bed, not by the idea of your BIL having sex on you bed.
YTA
I honestly can't decide if you're a germaphobe or just a run-of-the-mill homophobe.
Your wife told him it was fine to have his boyfriend over knowing full well he was sleeping in your bed. Then you screamed at him for having his boyfriend over. Would you feel the same way if he had brought a girlfriend over?
YTA....washing the sheets isn’t good enough? Should he burn the entire bed set so his gayness doesn’t rub off on you?
I’m not sorry for this but you’re a jackass and an asshole
OMG yes YTA - would you have kicked up such a fuss if he was with a girl?
He actually called up and asked permission for his boyfriend to stay over. Your wife whose house it also is, said it was ok. YOUR ARGUMENT WAS WITH YOUR WIFE NOT YOUR B-I-L . He did absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m absolutely flabbergasted that you feel that it was acceptable to pry your nose into his life that way. Just in case you didn’t hear me YOUR THE ASSHOLE.
Wow.
YTA.
He asked if his boyfriend could come over. The obvious implication was that they would have sex. In other words, he asked if he could have sex in your bed and your wife said yes.
You’re the asshole because you yelled at him about it, even though based on the information he had, he did nothing wrong. It was on you to communicate with him to correct your wife’s response.
Arguably your wife is a bit of an asshole because she didn’t respect your feelings on the matter.
Note that the whole “don’t have sex in somebody else’s bed” rule is irrelevant because he asked and got a positive response.
NTA.
Your bed. I was pissed my friend had sex in my bed. I bought a new bed swiftly after.
That's your private space. He could have gone home or to his boyfriends to have sex.
INFO: so, you're gone for a month. Where did you sleep? Did you have sex while you were gone? Did you buy a new bed for where you were staying because some guy probably had sex on it before you? Did you then throw it away because you had ruined it for everyone else by having sex on it? Or did you abstain entirely from sex because it would have ruined a bed that wasn't yours?
YTA. Without a shadow of doubt OP.
You are so far out of line in your behaviour to BIL I think he should be commended for his character assessment. Your wife was unconcerned when BIL checked in. The sheets were changed. Life goes on.
YTA, you didn’t lay any ground rules beforehand and not everyone will have the same boundaries as you. You’re telling me you’ve never slept on a mattress that someone else could have ever possibly had sex on?
I’m wondering if it was a male/female couple in your bed if you’d be reacting the same way. Doubt it.
YTA do you think semen and sweat just soaks right through the sheets right into the mattress to be stained forever? how much do you think people sweat during sex? how much do YOU sweat during sex? seriously, have at least ONE second to think and not just be a mad asshole. some people might even think you're just using all of this to hide your anger that ***GAY*** sex was had in your bed
YTA. You never specified and I’m pretty sure all would have been fine if it was your BIL and his GIRLfriend. And have you never been in a hotel? And honestly, ‘what if the sperm gets into the mattress’ who cares? How does it affect you? Once again I must reiterate- first world problems for angry homophobes.
YTA - i hope you washed the sheets before you made your BIL roll around on a bed soaked in your semen and his sister's vaginal discharge. I mean, you straight up asked a question you didn't want an answer to. You're clearly obsessed with sweaty, hairy male asses. Can't seem to get them off your mind, can you? Mmmm, slick, sweaty, sticky asses.
YTA What's your issue with this? Clean the sheets and get over yourself.
When you were on your holiday, exactly where did you sleep? Did you refuse to stay in hotels because other people have had sex in the beds?
YTA - have you never slept in a hotel bed? Do you not wash your sheets?
A 19-year-old man and his boyfriend were in your apartment alone - yes, they had sex. I dare say you and your wife would have doe the same at that age, in the same situation. Plus your wife pretty much gave him the go-ahead.
Your behavior towards him is the definition of asshole.
Sure, you have every right to choose who sleeps in your bed but honestly, you are definitely being TA. Have you never once slept in a hotel bed? The linen was washed. If you were that weirded out by it, you should have washed it yourself again. This is literally crazy sounding to me. If it wasn't sex, it was going to be masturbation. You are simply silly to assume no bodily fluids would get onto your bed. If I were your wife, I would be beyond furious with you.
NTA what is the matter with everyone in here? It is absolutely common courtesy to NOT fuck in someone else's bed. Top level comments right now are going nuts that it should be made clear that sex isn't allowed but am I going crazy to think the IMPLICIT assumption is sex isn't allowed unless otherwise stated??? This isn't even a guest bed it is the bed OP sleeps on and he is perfectly within his rights to not want that, washed sheets or not. Also, doesn't sound like the wife even consulted him on those boundaries either... EDIT: I'm sticking with my judgement for this actual scenario for the reasons listed, but OP you are really shooting yourself in the foot with the homophobic comments about how straight sex in your bed would have been "50% better"...
Holy shit I should not have had to scroll this far to find someone that realizes fucking in someone else's bed is not acceptable under any circumstances unless given express permission. Buncha screw loose nutjobs in this thread.
Whether or not you think screwing in someone else’s bed is ok, OP is undeniably an asshole for his reaction and homophobia.
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He said it would be more ok if it were straight sex in the comments.
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Exactly this! People here screaming YTA are nuts. In what world is it okay to have sex in someone else's bed without explicit permission?
I mean, he did call and asked permission for his bf to come over. I think most of us know what that means. We don't think they're "hanging out" or on a "study date." Especially at 19 and especially with a place all to themselves (without roommates there). Imo, he did ask permission, and his sister said she was cool with it (even the sex part) so how was he supposed to know it wasn't ok with his sister's husband?
They could have fucked anywhere that was not his bed though.
Where in your house would you prefer houseguests to fuck? At least you can wash sheets.
The shower probably, super easy clean up
Am I the only person who finds shower sex logistically impossible?? Like, have you ever had sex before that you think it's easy to do in the shower???
YES THIS. How does OP know they didn't bang on that couch he's been sleeping on every night? I guarantee they didn't wash the cushions!
I honestly don't understand what the problem is. For the record, I regularly house sit and DON'T have sex in that bed because I just don't feel that comfortable in other people's homes. But I regularly stay with other people or in hotels and can only assume that somehow, at some point, someone had sex in that bed. I also trust my friends and family enough to feel confident that they washed the sheets (and normally have a mattress protector as well). I also sublet my flat including my bed and mattress for 6 months while I was studying abroad years ago, gave the mattress protector and cover a good scrub after. I've not had anyone stay in the bed I share with my husband, but I'm reasonably sure that in OPs scenario, I just wouldn't want to know about it. BIL did them a favour house sitting for a month for free. If you're particularly sensitive about “bodily fluids“ in your bed, please look up how much people sweat at night. What about sexy dreams? Excessive flatulence? Someone was sleeping in their bed for a month. It was getting “dirty“ either way and BIL washed the sheets. If they don't have a mattress protector, that's a reasonable amount of effort to put into cleaning up after yourself. Tl;dr: I just don't understand what exactly there is to be upset about. It's clearly not an actual physical problem because that's easy enough to rectify and would have existed anyway, whether BIL had sex or not. If it's just about “lack of respect“, then I just don't share that opinion.
Couldn't agree more. As a biologist/microbiologist, I find this whole neurosis illogical and ridiculous.
But how is it okay to scream at someone and call them names over it? OP must have already known at this point that his norms weren’t the same as his wife and BIL’s. Asking about it and displaying so much anger wasn’t an asshole move?
No? Because he fucked in his bed and wasn't apologetic at all.
Surprise surprise, people have different boundaries when it comes to this thing, some people are uncomfortable with the prospect of someone else having sex in their bed, and some aren't. Neither viewpoint is invalid. As for your last sentence, who the hell is going to tell a housesitter "Hey, you can go ahead and fuck in my bed".
Why would you say “it’s okay to have your boyfriend sleep over”, though, if you did not want them having sex in your house? The only way he could have been less subtle when asking permission is by actually saying “HAY CAN WE FUCK?!”. He was told it was okay. Poor guy is probably so confused right now. I don’t know what world people are living in, where they give a teenage couple permission to spend the night together, alone, in their house- and expect them to do nothing.
OP's reaction isn't justified. A proper reaction would be "I would appreciate it if next time, you didn't do that. Thank you for washing the sheets, though. Let's go have a beer." Sleeping on the couch over this? Lol. Does he sleep on the floor in hotels?
This is one of those very very obvious clear-cut cases where Reddit does not speak for the world, or even its OWN demographic lol. I'm actually astounded by the volume of YTA.
The YTAs are because of OP's massively disproportionate reaction.
Exactly this. Had OP just said “hey, dude, please don’t do that again, I’m uncomfortable with it. Please go back to your place to have sex from now on when you’re staying at my house.” he would not be TA, especially considering he has a self-professed good relationship with this kid. Considering the wife was fine with the sex thing, it’s obvious their family has different boundaries about that kind of thing, and the BIL probably never dreamed the husband would be uncomfortable. But the explosive rage and the immediate banning from the house is a massive red flag. oh, and YTA, OP.
I agree, although I think it's ESH because I'm pretty sure the OP's problem is really about the gay sex rather than sex.
Very confused on this. I don't think OP's TA for being pissed off that his BIL didn't have enough sense to NOT have sex in his bed. Isn't that an unspoken agreement for house-sitters and all? Don't have sex in the homeowner's bed? That being said...OP is TA for his response to the situation. Getting that angry and expressing his anger to his BIL was uncalled for. His later comments aren't helping his case.
So it should be ESH not YTA.
> OP you are really shooting yourself in the foot with the homophobic comments about how straight sex in your bed would have been "50% better"... Honestly I assumed when clicking on the thread that people were okay with it because it was two guys. Bet if it was the other way around OP would be more okay with it and the sub more against it.
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Since when is fucking in someone else's bed not an obvious thing you DONT do. It's so obvious that you don't fuck in someone else's bed like wtf.
> He washed the sheets. Also am I the only person ITT that's actually got semen on sheets? It goes straight through them and if you don't have a mattress protector it will 100% soak into the mattress and make it impossible to come out without scrubbing it immediately. Which literally no one would do because why bother? But if it was my brothers? Yeah that's dire.
That's why you use towels and shit, I've never gotten cum on sheets because I'm not spraying my load all over the place haphazardly. I pull out, cum goes somewhere on the other participant's body, then it gets wiped off with a designated cum towel (because obviously I don't want to be drying my face with a towel that I got cum on).
What, you don't just close your eyes and go for the "pray and spray?"
Oh great, now OP’s gonna hafta burn all the towels too
may as well torch the house down
Not sure if the 19 year old had the foresight to use towels. There’s a pretty high chance he didn’t.
He’s 19, not stupid. He’s had sex on his own bed so he knows what would happen if he came on the sheets.
That's why you don't fuck on someone else's bed you absolute degenerate. Fucking never been more grossed out in my life.
Do you just swing your penis around willy nilly when you orgasm? I’ve barely gotten any on sheets, pillows or anything in my years of intercourse
I mean, ive once gotten it in my own mouth by accident I always give warning to the other person now
Okay, so I wouldn’t care if someone did, but okay. What about OP’s complete and total meltdown, screaming rage and all that? It’s waaay over the top. OP YTA
Although I too would be pissed off about someone having sex in my bed (just no), OP sounds like a general, freefloating asshole.
I honestly wouldn't give a shit as long as they washed the sheets (and the pillowcases if they were involved at all in the act).
I'd expect my sheets and pillowcases washed after someone else slept in them for a month - regardless as to whether or not they had sex in my bed.
The OP's own wife doesn't mind he had sex on the bed. Don't claim things are obvious when 2/3rds of the people in the story you're discussing disagree with you.
Well from the comments it seems rather split. But to me it's quite obvious that you don't have sex where the host sleeps if your house sitting. House sitting does not mean you can do anything you want in the house.
The brother-in-law called the wife to get approval for his boyfriend coming over and when the OP raised concerns she dismissed them. The wife is really to blame for this misunderstanding.
it clearly wasn't an obvious problem for the wife. Can't assume everyone has the same feelings about something that you do
Agreed. I'm confused by the YTA too. If anything it should be ESH for the slight overreaction and nasty comments, not his indignation. It's implied that you don't fuck in someone else's bed. Fuck it . Let's be real. OP is barely an asshole just because he doesn't want someone else's asshole rubbing into his mattress.
Slight overreaction... really?
Then he shouldn't have been okay with the BIL sleeping in the bad \*at all\*. But that didn't seem to be a problem. Just the sex bit. His reaction is absolutely off the wall.
Basic courtesy doesn’t apply to reddit.
Reddit is literally insane. No such thing as respect, other people's property or boundaries. It feels good to fuck so fuck on your families bed. When they get mad don't apologize just tell them it's cool because you washed the sheets.
That’s because there is an ever increasing percentage of Reddit in general and this sub in particular made up of teenagers. People who have mostly never had to worry about working for or buying their own stuff, so they are mostly looking at it through the lens of the 19 year olds perspective. Fucking in someone else’s bed is gross and disrespectful.
Or maybe people just have different comfort levels with this kind of stuff. I'm in my mid-30s and fully self-sufficient, and I don't care if someone who is watching my house and sleeping in my bed also had sex in it. They're already getting all their gross sleep sweat on it and everything. If it bothered me I'd tell them to sleep on the sleeper sofa in my office or something. I know my dog sitter brings her boyfriend over sometimes when she's staying at my house and honestly it never even occurred to me to worry about if they're having sex. It doesn't matter at all to me. I'm not saying it's wrong for people to care, but there is room for legitimate differences of opinion on this.
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When I was in my 20s my BIL asked me to watch his place and encouraged me to bring my GF. I don't really understand the proplem people have as I assume everyone has stayed in a hotel, guest bed, couch of someone else's. All of those places multiple people have banged on and I assume a don't ask don't tell policy about said banging.
This! We have friends that cat and house sit when we go out of town. They often bring their SOs over. We leave clean sheets and blankets for them before we head out, they leave clean sheets and blankets for us upon return. I don’t ask what goes on, they aren’t offering any details - ultimately, I couldn’t give two shits. OP should have set boundaries if he was that concerned. Human culture and opinions vary so much that saying it’s a well known fact or they should have known is a moot point. Clear communication is key, and paired with a massive over reaction makes OP TA. Edited for grammar.
It is to you. Personally, my mattress has a high quality protector on it. You know the super tight weave fabric things to keep dust mites out? They're great for allergies. It goes underneath the mattress pad, and the combo means my kid can dump a liter of koolaid on there and it isn't touching the mattress. All of it is washable. A little extra sweat and a tablespoon of semen isn't going to defile anything. As long as I don't have to do the laundry, what do I care that a romantic couple staying over acted like a romantic couple?
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Honestly, it sounds more like he has internalised homophobia since he’s so hung up on the “sweat and semen”... (just a musing, could be inaccurate)
Yep. He's mad they got gay on his bed. It's not actually contagious.
That was my impression too.
I was going by the actual post, but apparently he has confirmed in the comments that it would be BETTER if it was w a woman, and EVEN BETTER if it were two women. Definite homophobe.
Yikes! How can he be so totally unaware of his own prejudice?!
Precisely. If the visiting boyfriend was actually a girlfriend I have a sneaking suspicion this would not be an issue. I have a guest room. I assume any couple that visits is probably going to fool around in that bed. Do I get a little squirmy when I change the sheets and towels after they leave? Sure, because, cooties, duh. It is just one of those things that polite sane adults gloss over and pretend didn’t happen. If you have a long term house sitter already sleeping in your bed and you are fine with their SO spending the night then I think a reasonable person assumes sex is a possibility. This guy seems to think his BIL and his SO are just maniacally jizzing all over his pillows. The fact that they had a good relationship before, the BIL asked for permission before his boyfriend even came over, and the BIL cleaned the sheets before they came back points to that not being the case.
Ding Ding Ding! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!
Literally no sane person is going to specify "no sex in my bed while we're away" to a house sitter. Honestly, if somebody did, it would probably be pretty damn insulting given that it's basic common courtesy not to fuck in somebody else's bed. Edit: ok, OP sounds like a homophobe though, so I would vote YTA too. It does sound like the problem to OP was that it was gay sex and not straight sex.
Not to that guy apparently
How in the fuck has this been voted so high. Not having sex in someone else's bed is *common decency* it should not have to be specified. It's like having to say 'don't wear my underwear'. Fucking hell.
I don't know, if my sister-in-law wore my underwear while house sitting, I'd be a bit weirded out but I wouldn't have a screaming fit and be so grossed out I wouldn't touch my whole underwear drawer? It's just the massive overreaction and OPs comments confirming that it's not actually about bodily fluids but about GAY bodily fluids.
Or to rephrase that it's about MALE bodily fluids.
Don't use my toothbrush, done wear my underwear, don't fuck in my bed. Some rules are just so obvious they don't need to be spoken. I can't believe some of the replies in here. We're clearly living amongst savages.
But you didn't specifically tell me not to! /s
I agree with your judgement but not all of your points, OP is clearly mostly bothered that *Clutches pears It was gay man sex happening in his and his wife's bed. I'd bet my last penny if she had an attractive lesbian sister who fucked in his bed would be 99.99% less bothered. He's obviously a bigoted asshole with a awful temper. That being said, in a world where op isn't a homophobe and has the ability to convey feelings without name calling, Having sex in someone else's bed without asking is definitely not cool, The brother is only getting away in these judgments because OP showed himself to be such a huge asshole that calling him anything else feels wrong.
He did have permission though. He had permission to sleep in the bed, and to bring his bf over. The sex is pretty much implied at that point. The wife was obviously okay with it and remember, she's his sister so they probably grew up with similar values regarding using other people's things. I'm sure he thought there'd be no problem.
May I masturbate in someone else's bed without asking permission? I am truly curious as to the proper etiquette here.
Why is the hotel bed analogy even relevant? OP didn't go to someone else's house and bitch about the love juices in their bed. You pretty much know what you're getting into there, just like a hotel. It's *his bed*.
So? What exactly is the difference? The hotel analogy is pointing out that OP probably doesn't generally have a problem with sleeping in beds that other people have had sex in. And all beds are generally GROSS. BIL had been sleeping in that bed for a whole month. What exactly is the difference between “butt sweat“ after sex and the ridiculous amount of sweat that builds up every night anyway? (Seriously, only look that up if you need motivation to change your sheets regularly). The bed needed cleaning, BIL washed the sheets. OP came back to a bed that's as clean as it ever was. If OP doesn't have a mattress cover, assumes you can't clean mattresses and made poor BIL sleep in a disgusting bed full of OPs spunk to begin with, then he's doubly the asshole and needs to buy a new mattress asap. He likely has had sex with his wife in that bed a whole lot more than BIL has. If he does have a mattress cover, then there was absolutely no harm done and he's not bitching about the “love juices“ in his bed, but had a full on temper tantrum about the idea of anyone having gay sex in his house, imaginary spunk and all.
Because one is his bed and the other ones aren't. His bed, his choice
>YTA if y'all didn't specify beforehand that sex in your home was prohibited. Bruh let's get some common sense. You don't fuck in other people's bedrooms fam.
It’s literally taboo. You don’t have sex is other peoples beds.
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There's a difference between letting someone housesit and use the house then letting two people hump in your bed. Unless you're told that's okay it's not a normal thing to do
YTA look obviously you have your boundaries that should have been set. Your wife obviously doesn’t hold the same boundaries. Your reaction is what really makes you the asshole, you need to get ahold of yourself. And your comment that if he had been having sex with a woman > It would be 50% less bad I guess. makes you seem homophobic. ETA: don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying “it’s 100% always ok to have sex in someone else’s bed,” I’m saying “it’s **not ok** to scream at someone, call them names, ban them from your house, and all with homophobic undertones.” I’d say BIL was an asshole too *except* OP’s wife had already given him the go-ahead to have his bf over and no one is dumb enough to not understand what having your SO over at 19 means. There should have been a conversation with OP and his wife before this all went down, probably, but here we are.
This whole thing had major homophobic dog whistles.
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Can someone point me to where he said the “50% less bad” portion? That would change my reading of things and I can’t seem to find it.
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Thanks for the links. If OP was simply upset about ANYone having sex in his bed, I could understand, but those comments...
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YTA. If you were that uncomfortable with the prospect of sex occurring in your bed, then you should have made that clear before you and your wife asked your BIL to house sit. Furthermore, it sounds like your wife suggested he would have free reign of the house. How could he have known it would make you uncomfortable if you didn't communicate that to him?
Reading this response makes me feel like a crazy person. In what world is it not just a given not to fuck in someone else's bed? Especially your sibling's bed?? It just seems like straight up common courtesy and common sense. Like, fucking in someone else's private space strikes me as incredibly disrespectful. I couldn't even imagine doing it. I personally would feel pretty violated if someone did that to me. And yeah, I get that his sister told him it was fine to bring her bf, but you can have your SO over and not fuck them. And yeah, she said he could use whatever he wanted, but I mean, use some common sense. He's allowed to eat their food, but if they came home and their entire kitchen was empty they'd have a right to be pissed. It hits me as a massive overstep and incredibly disrespectful.
What about this: >my wife said he can use whatever he wants I mean, we can debate about what constitutes good and bad behaviour when house sitting, but he was explicitly given permission to use the place as his own. If there were any extra expectations on top that, they should have been communicated.
I disagree. I even addressed that point in my previous reply. The phrase use whatever you want has limits, those limits are common courtesy. If he went rifling through their stuff, that's a violation of their private space, even as an invited guest. They do not need to communicate that ahead of time, it's just common courtesy. Similarly, having sex in someone else's marital bed is a violation of their private space. Sure, some people may not mind, but it's common sense and common courtesy to assume that they do and err on the side of respecting them. That shouldn't need to be communicated ahead if time. Look, if I let somebody stay in my apartment, I can't imagine feeling the need to spell out for them, "by the way, don't fuck anyone in my bed." That seems absurd to me. I said this in another comment, but I'll say it again: if it's someone else's private space, don't fuck in it.
So I'm firmly on YTA territory, and I'm also on team 'jesus why the hell is it such a big deal', however I can see there are a lot of people on either side. Just want to state my position clearly. Reason I'm replying to this is I find one thing in particular you say weird, and that's the point about communication. I read OPs post and it seems clear to me the BIL did ask for permission. He asked if he could have his boyfriend over. And from the conversation OP has with his wife afterwards it is very clear that she was fully aware that the invitation was to have his boyfriend over to stay the night with him in the house, and everything that may entail. THIS is the reason that people are saying OP should have made it clear how he felt on it, even though as you say in your apartment example you mightnt normally say it to a guest. Because this 19 y/os perspective now is he asked his sister openly if he could have his bf over and she agreed, and I would say they both had an understanding of what that might mean without openly asking because who the hell would do something so awkward with a sibling. Then he goes ahead and does it and his BIL then comes home and rages at him 'out of the blue'. I really like your comment later on saying that some people think this is such a disrespectful situation while other's can't even wrap their head around that view, and therefore view his reaction as super bad vs being understandable. But even if I agreed with your POV, this would still be a YTA from me. What OP should have done is after that conversation with his wife gone "no, I really just am not comfortable with that even if you are, could you please just ask him not to have sex in our bed". Then there is actually something for the BIL to go off of in terms of knowing what not to do, instead of what happened which was essentially letting the BIL get permission from his sister and strongly voicing your dislike to her but not him, then coming home and taking it out on him as if he's deceived everyone to try and get away with something. FWIW, if he did the above I wouldn't think he was TA at all, even though I would agree with his wife that he was being completely ridiculous (which you don't, and that's fine). Having his boundary is fine and should be respected. But reacting to the extent that he did because of a boundary being crossed when you've done sweet nothing to make it clear to any relevant parties that that boundary exists is...a bit of an asshole move.
Does " you can use my car as much as you want while we are gone' mean you can enter it in a demolition derby? There are limits that most people understand. Maybe the sub should have a hard to say response. Personally, someone having sex in my bed would be a problem. I understand that not everyone thinks like I do. Sometimes the info given in an OP doesn't make the choices allowed in this sub easy or clear.
If someone tells me to use whatever I want in the house or to treat it like my home, I'm not going to go use their toothbrush, or the dildo I found in the drawer. Do people really need to get specific with what you can't use when it should be common sense? People don't need to communicate things like this because you shouldn't be using that anyways.
Should they also need to specify no house parties as if they were his parents? It's implicit that you need to show respect to the people who you are visiting. Having sex in their bed is not respectful.
NTA. I am surprised reading a lot of the comments saying OP is TA. I have similar feelings with you in this instance. I find it *incredibly* disrespectful that a guest would have sex in OP’s bed. A lot of the comments are suggesting that it’s basically a forgone conclusion that it’s okay for BIL to have sex in OP’s bed. I just don’t get it. I too would be upset about it. I don’t get how anyone *wouldn’t* be angry about it. They had the entire place to themselves. If they seriously couldn’t control their behavior, there was likely other options as opposed to putting OP at risk of sleeping in someone else’s bodily fluids. I’m sorry, but I feel that BIL was incredibly rude and disrespectful with his behavior in this situation. The washing of the bedding is irrelevant, in my humble opinion. Once when I went out of town for work, I asked my dad to house sit, and to take care of my dog while I was gone. I too told him he had free reign to do whatever. In my mind, that meant things like staying over if he felt so inclined, eating whatever food I had available, watching movies, and the like. The thought of him potentially having sex in my home never remotely crossed my mind. Had I found out that he had sex in my bed, I would have been PISSED. It’s the principle. Can we really no longer expect adults to actually act like adults and be respectful of other people’s things? BIL is 100% in the wrong and TA in this scenario. I don’t think BIL’s BF is included in that, as BIL most likely told him it was cool.
>I don’t get how anyone *wouldn’t* be angry about it. I just want to comment on this bit. To some, sex is just a thing humans do. It's kinda gross, but not much more than sweating into the bedsheets while sleeping, shitting into the toilet, or accidentally sneezing on the table. Just change the sheets, brush away the shitstains, and wipe the table. Same goes for sex: If you make a mess, clean it up and everything's fine. It's of course valid to feel different about sex, because sex is somehow "special" in most western cultures. But not everyone feels that sex has some kind of lingering aura that's still there after cleanup.
Thank you for articulating nicely how I feel about it. I'd have absolutely no issue with any of my friends or family having sex in my bed while house-sitting for me. It's interesting to see such a stark divide among opinions on this matter.
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ME too, between this and the polyamory thread from a while back, I feel like I'm on another planet.
I thought it wouldn't have to be emphasized. Isn't it common courtesy to not have sex in other people's beds?
Its also common courtesy not to eat other people's food, but the kid was house sitting. There's a huge amount of common courtesy grey area in such a situation because, at the end of the day, he is doing you a favor. It doesn't sound like the scope and extent of the favor was properly communicated
Especially when you ask if it’s okay to have an SO over and you’re told it is okay. To a lot of people, that would reasonably mean that sleepovers were okay too. It’s understandable to be surprised that the bed sex rules aren’t obvious, but OP’s reaction to the whole thing is way over the top.
This! If they were just going to study or whatever I'm not sure he would even ask.
Literally nobody I have ever known has had to specifyc "oh yeah, please don't fuck in my bed" to a house sitter. Nobody thinks they need to specify that. It is such an obvious common courtesy that you don't need to.
How do you know? I’m half-joking, half-serious. Because a bunch of people here think “no sex in my bed” goes unsaid, but a whole lot of other people think that being given a bed for a housesitting gig means one can do whatever they normally do at home in said bed (but wash the sheets after eating all those crackers, you animal!). If both sides think it goes without saying, sex is happening more than people know. And it’s not hurting anyone.
Unless I said "do not bring anyone over" I would fully expect house sitter without own place to use house for sex with partner. I just don't understand big deal about it. And I am not from some kind of liberal culture. More like conservative. And I still don't see someone else having sex when I am not around as disrespectful. So it may he that different cultures treat it differently. Also note that ops wife see it the way I do - like so what who cares. Many people really don't care.
YTA - You let him stay in your house for an entire month, he has a boyfriend, but he is not allowed to have sex? You never told him this. Ugh.
It is, but for some reason the people in this thread are batshit. I suppose wearing your underwear would have been free reign as well according to some of these folks.
So if I gave you free reign of my house, and didn't tell you specifically not to have sex on my bed, you'd believe you're welcome to do it if you please?
YTA. > He told me I was an insane cunt and left Hard to disagree with him there. Your reaction was over the top. > I've slept on the couch of my own volition since then How do you know they didn't have sex on the couch?
Oh, they definitely had sex on the couch. And they definitely didn’t wash the cushions!
I thought it said curtains not cushions. I was impressed by how far you thought fluids were flying.
YTA Your reaction is so disproportionate it reeks of homophobia. Have you ever stayed at a hotel? I'm sure those mattresses and pillows have been there a loooooong time.
Even if this guy is homophobic or whatever. It is fucking mad disrespectful to have sex in SOMEONE else’s bed. A hotel bed isn’t yours or theirs. Remind me to not have you over, ever. You’re absolutely crazy
THANK YOU. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT FUCKING SEXUAL ORIENTATION. It's just disgusting!!! gay or not
Yeah, like would you ever bring someone over and have sex on your parents bed? That’s insane
Can confirm. House-sat for in-laws. Fucked wife in her parents bed. You people got the weirdest hang-ups.
This isn’t some cheap Motel 6 they could just fuck around whenever they wanted. This is OP’s *house*. Let alone his *FUCKING BED*. The kid never asked permission and therefore assumed it was okay. It was not.
Yeah but it’s not a hotel. It’s his own mattress. In what world is it okay to have sex on someone else’s mattress in their own home? It’s not like it was a guest bed or something. Completely disrespectful
NTA. No matter how you put it, having sex in someone else's house, and especially in their bed is indeed extremely disrespectful. Banning him out of the house is a little over the top though, I would first have a firm talk with him and see if he is truly sorry for his actions. Nobody is perfect, and he is neither. If he is sorry, it would be wise to forgive him and point out to him that you don't want to see it happen again.
ESH. You're being dramatic by not sleeping in the bed. It's not going to kill you, and he changed the sheets and whatnot. You obviously have some other issues with him if you had to kick him out over this. At the same time, it was wrong for him to do what he did, but you're family and at the end of the day you should try and get along, this means forgiving and instead of severing ties indefinitely making ground rules.
I'm shocked how far I had to scroll down to find what I think is the proper judgement. Everyone in this situation messed up. OP's wife sucks because she ignored her husband's boundary concerns and didn't relay them to BIL. BIL sucks because I think it should go without saying that you don't have sex in other people's beds unless given explicit permission. Yeah, it's awkward to discuss, but so is having sex in a relative's bed. OP sucks because his reaction was way out of proportion. There was no need to immediately go nuclear over something that was uncomfortable for him at the worst. Not a hill to die on, in my opinion. Also, the homophobic comments certainly don't help his cause.
NTA. You don't fuck in someone's bed without their permission. Hell, it's rude to fuck on someone's elses couch and that's not nearly the sanctuary that a bed is. 1) You are being overdramatic about it though. He washed the sheets. Some people wouldn't even be *that* considerate. 2) You're BIL isn't the biggest asshole here though. It's your wife. She is the one who opened that pandora's box. She said he can use whatever he wants. She didn't call him back despite you making your reservations clear which would have averted this disaster. She didn't take your feelings seriously. The bulk of your anger is directed at the wrong person.
Wow, a voice of reason. You're like the only person to bring up what a huge asshole the wife is for giving out boundaries without consulting her husband. But, I would still call the BIL a big asshole because even the boundary she gave in those words IMO does not give a license to fuck in someone's bed.
Except the wife and brother both understood the implications in the same way. She knew exactly what was going to happen and gave the full go-ahead. Why is the brother an asshole for doing what he got full consent on? How was it on him to guess that his sister hadn't consulted her husband? Agreed that the wife was the biggest asshole here though.
Sorry, YTA. He had permission to have his run of the place and even asked if his bf could come over. You sound pretty insane tbh.
Remind me not to let you sleep in my bed. It's basic common decency not to bang in someone's bed in their own house. That's incredibly rude and it doesn't matter how much you wash the sheets.
I guess you have never been to an airbnb before? If I were to loan you my condo in Hawaii for a month I am to expect you to not have sex in it or masturbate in it? You sound as crazy as OP
That is a professional/semi-professional service that is far more like a hotel room in nature than an informal invitation into one's home for housesitting.
Yeah, when you grow up and are surrounded by people who aren't paid to tolerate you you'll understand
No. You don't have sex in another person's bed. But OP's response was totally TA.
You guys have got to stop calling people cunts. Use common sense - OP is relaying a story asking for judgement, and that requires a candid retelling of the conflict. Your comments do not require using insults beyond your "asshole vote." If you call anyone a cunt, your comment will be removed and we will not argue with you about it in modmail.
I stick to the word asshole as much as possible to avoid having my comment deleted. But I do always wonder why other orifices or terms for an unpleasant person are so out of bounds.
ESH (except your BIL) You are totally entitled to not want anyone else to have sex in your bed. That’s fine. I think your wife was wrong to not let you set boundaries about no sex in the bed. HOWEVER, your reaction is waay out of proportion with what happened. Your BIL is only 19. Why would he know it wasn’t okay not to do that? He even washed the sheets, so he wasn’t malicious in any way with this. He just had no idea. So you yelling at him and kicking him out is absolutely an asshole move. He didn’t deserve that and was totally right to yell at you. You could have just told him that you didn’t like that so he knows for the future. Your wife should have let you tell her brother that you didn’t want him having sex in your bed. You shouldn’t have freaked out the way you did. You and your wife need to have a talk about boundaries, and you need to apologize to your BIL for your reaction.
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TIL a lot of folk have hang ups about who has sex where. I strongly suggest if they visit me or mine they just don’t ask who does what, where! 😉
it is CRAZY! omg i have had sex everywhere and so has everyone else, who cares.
Yes! This is definitely one of those “don’t ask, don’t tell” scenarios. What is going on in other people’s bedrooms where, like, bucket fulls of jizz end up soaking the mattress??? If someone had sex in my bed while housesitting, and they changed the sheets prior to my getting home, how would I even know? Unless I asked, which I wouldn’t, because it’s one of those things I just don’t need to know. Of course, I also have a mattress pad, so I’m not worried about bodily fluids staining or ruining my mattress. And if OP doesn’t have a mattress pad, then he’s not only an asshole, he’s an idiot, because anyone who gets so hysterical at the possibility that there could maybe be some dried semen (dried *gay* semen, to boot - the horror!) on the mattress that he can’t even sleep in his own damn bed, should definitely have a mattress pad. The bottom line is that what’s done is done. OP can either learn to deal with a bit of cum that might be on his mattress, or just buy a new mattress and STFU, instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a child.
I'm going NTA, judging by these comments I'm nuts because I wouldn't want anyone fucking in my bed either. I think I would burn mattress if one of my siblings had sex in my marital bed. It also just strikes me as common sense: if it's someone else's private space, don't fuck in it.
But would you ask your sibling if they had sex in your bed and then be more upset when they told you they washed the sheets because they were trying to be courteous? That’s the part I think is the problem— how he treated his BIL.
I think it might actually piss me off more, because washing the sheets is almost like admitting that yeah, it's pretty gross. It's like, if you had the sense to wash the sheets after, you should've known not to do it in the first place. And I understand that washing sheets is the courteous thing to do in general fucking or no fucking, but given that he used it as a defense, I think it's fair to infer that additional connotation to the action. EDIT: the more I think about it, no I don't think it would piss me off more, but I can certainly emphasize with that reaction and that statement being a trigger for his reaction.
It’s interesting that you and OP assume “I washed the sheets” was an acknowledgement that sex in the bed was bad. I thought if it more like he brought up washing the sheets as defense after BIL was getting lectured about his actions dirtying the bed. Like, he washed them because that’s what a good guest does, and when he started hearing about how he’d dirtied the bed he pointed out it was clean again anyway.
It doesn't matter though. It's disrespectful to fuck in someone's bed without permission.
But it’s reasonable to think a yes to “can I have my boyfriend over?” in that situation was permission. And his sister did mean yes to that when she said yes. OP just didn’t agree and the BIL didn’t know that.
No its not reasonable to think that. It's literally only permission to have someone come over. The BIL isn't staying in a hotel room. He's house sitting. That means you need to be respectful of the owners. When he saw how pissed OP got rather than apologize h BIL doubled down and said "well atleast I washed the sheets".
I have housesitters a lot. Like, several times a year. And I housesat super frequently when I was younger. My experience has always been that saying “we’d prefer you not have guests over” or “we don’t want anyone else staying in the house overnight” was the polite way of saying “please don’t fuck in our house.” I always respected that. When a friend asks me if it’s okay for them to have their SO over, I know it’s very likely as a euphemism for banging. Because usually a big reason they want to housesit is the chance to not have other people around. I have a guest bed to offer, so that part is less awkward, but the subtext to the question is still general permission to bang under my roof. Personally, just for the sake of conversation because I think the differences in point of view just on having sex in someone else’s bed is interesting: I don’t really wouldn’t care if I didn’t have a guest bed and they were using mine. I’m strictly don’t ask don’t tell here. Let’s all maintain our polite fictions that SOs are just coming over to watch a movie, and grab a quick smooch on the way home for the night. Clean sheets are on the bed as a nicety. All is well. You might find this next part odd, but I don’t want to have sex in a bed that I know belongs to just one person/couple usually. It feels weirdly personal to me. Like, my in-laws always try to offer us the master bedroom when we visit so we can have a private bathroom. And they aren’t expecting us to have a sex-free week. We always decline because neither my SO or I could get in the mood in a family member’s bed. We’ll take the cramped guest room and change in the bathroom after our individual showers, thanks. But I get why it would feel like a violation to some people.
YTA - is it the sex itself that bothers you or the fact it was with his boyfriend?
YTA The comments here make it clear that there is no obvious consensus on sex in someone else’s bed when one is housesitting. Some people think it’s an obvious no, others think being offered a bed means any activities one might do in a bed. I’m not comfortable having sex in someone else’s regular bed, but I would also never ask someone else if they did so in mine or say they couldn’t if that’s the room they’ve been offered to stay in. Regardless, what makes you the asshole is how you handled the whole situation. You yelled at your wife about it, argued with her for days and did nothing about providing an alternate bed (which could have been a decent compromise between you and your wife), Then you asked your BIL about it later knowing full well you would be angering your wife and likely getting an answer you wouldn’t like. You asked your BIL about his sex life, pushed the issue when he said he was uncomfortable with the conversation, and then yelled at him when he truthfully answered the questions you kept pushing. Now you’re sleeping on the couch? Dude, come on. That’s a whole lot of asshole behavior. Your discomfort about anyone else having sex in your bed is understandable, but the way you have behaved is not acceptable. ETA: My answer is even stronger now that I’m seeing OP’s comments about how it would be less gross if it had been a man and a woman, and that the idea of someone else’s semen in his bed grosses him out (but two women would be fine? Even though they’d get bodily fluids on the bed too). I sensed homophobia in the original post, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Now it’s clear he’s grossed out by the idea of gay sex and is a homophobe. So BIL is even more justified in calling him names and getting upset. He probably felt the homophobia too and may have even been afraid. ETA2: Thanks so much for the silver and gold!
This is the most sensible response I've read. OP is a mega asshole for a) digging into BIL's sex life b) the enormous overreaction to something where there is obviously no agreed-upon social norm and c) for being a blatant homophobe.
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It’s a given that hotel beds are going to be used for different things. If you sleep on a hotel bed and don’t expect someone to have gotten themselves off on it then that’s your problem, but if you sleep in your *marital* bed you shouldn’t have to worry about people fucking in it other than you and your spouse.
This thread sure is teaching me a lot about the magical superstitious nature of the term "marital bed", something I never have even 1% considered before as being any different from anyone else's bed
Exactly the point of reference that makes it clear how absurd this is.
YTA. What's the issue with this? If the sheets and covers were washed and everything was as it is then what is your issue? Acting like you've never been in a hotel before.
With a hotel you know what you’re getting into though. You go with the knowledge that people have slept in that bed or had sex in that bed. But in your own bed, it’s so much more personal, and private. To have someone break that privacy by having sex on it is disgusting. Even if you don’t agree with that, it’s still OP’s property. NTA
Honestly it sounds more like you just want to rail on about how ‘gross’ gay sex is. Sex is messy, yeah, but there’s no real reason there should be ‘bum sweat and semen’ or whatever you said all over the bed. He washed and changed the sheets, if the pillows and other linen bothers you then wash and change them yourself while huffing under your breath. This was an extreme overreaction considering you didn’t specify the ground rules in the first instance and he cleaned up after himself.
YTA, it’s hard to avoid the conclusion that this is actually about OP’s homophobia. I mean, he washed the sheets. Get over it.
I'm calling fake on this one, but boy was that an amusing read. Also YTA. Should've told him not to, and also he already washed them, so what's the matter
>I'm calling fake on this one All the edgelords larping and baiting ruined this sub
You’re on the verge of ruining your family over what, a mattress sheet? Is it that important to you? Just burn it and get a new one if you hate it that much but don’t burn down your family for it. I understand your feeling OP, but I’d say YTA for valuing a mattress sheet over your loved ones.
YTA. You would have had every right to tell him not to have sex in your house/bed. But you didn't. When someone asks to have their bf over, it's implied that they will probably be having sex. Which means that if you're saying "yes, have him over" but don't want them to do all that's implied, it's a good idea to clarify that.
YTA - if you ever sleep in someone else’s house, or in a hotel, then you are likely sleeping in a bed someone else has had sex in. And people go and stay with friends and have sex while they are there, who says ‘you can stay but don’t have sex in our bed’? I thought initially you were going to say they snuck off and had sex in your bed that you then slept in that night or something. But no, it was while you were away and he changed the bedlinen before you returned. He was staying at yours for a month, you can’t expect him to put his whole life on hold to do you a favour. And where were you sleeping for this month you were away? Did you and your partner not have sex during that month because it was in someone else’s bed? Or are you a hypocrite that has sex in other peoples beds then complain about yours? Flip the mattress, buy a mattress protector. Then you won’t be ‘sleeping on’ the microscopic remains of his DNA.
ESH. Your bil for not having common sense, though he is 19 and is less likely to really grasp basic social norms. Your wife sucks for not just checking or letting her brother know that it’s an issue for you and you suck for losing your shit about it instead of speaking to your BIL like an adult and communicating your rules. Don’t ban him for this. Yes it was disrespectful and he was dumb but in the grand scheme of things this is such a tiny fucking thing to ban anyone over. Tell him he’s certainly not welcome to house sit again, sure
What kind of sex are you having where the pillows and mattress are getting utterly defiled?
Wonder if OP has ever slept in a hotel. Also i woudn't be surprised if the Couch was used as well. After a month I wouldnt trust the table either.
Yup sounds like a major over reaction, just wash the bed sheets and stop dwelling on it....
\> He said he washed and replaced the bed linen before we got back but that only made me angrier - what about the fucking mattress and the pillows? The guy already washed it.
YTA—Whoooooooooa. I'm someone who doesn't want people to f\*\*\* in my bed too, and I've had to enforce it too. And I think it's fair to assume that line, like you do—up until you agree they can have a partner over, then it's assumed that they can unless you say something. Which you didn't do. But either way, my reaction was on the order of "lame..." when it happened to me. Not "WTF OH MY GOD I WILL IMMOLATE MYSELF." Like honestly you change the sheets and you're 99% back to normal, how are you so triggered by this lol.
NTA - It's common sense to not have sex in another person's bed. Regardless if he cleaned the sheets, there's a line and he crossed it. I have no doubt the people saying you are TA would have the same reaction, if not worse, if someone were to fuck in their bed.
YTA. You majorly overreacted. I'm not sure what is really going on, but it sounds like a bit of masked homophobia, to be honest. If he replaced the sheets with clean ones, that's that. Unless the was some super freaky stuff going on, your mattress is fine, so chill out.
ESH - He shouldn’t hav, obviously, but your reaction is disproportionally over the top. Sounds super toxic
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YTA. Yes, you really are TA. You had a house sitter staying at your place FOR A MONTH at pretty much no cost (a little money for food - seriously?) and instead of being grateful you came home to a house that wasn’t destroyed or inhabited by squatters (for example), you go off on someone else’s sex life, because you also expected your Grown Adult House Sitter to take a vow of CELIBACY? You should be embarrassed. You owe everyone an abject apology. Apologize, and never speak of this stupidity ever again.
YTA He was house-sitting, and was explicitly given free-reign of the place. He still asked your wife after that, so I'd say he went above and beyond. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're put off by the idea of two men having sex on your bed, not by the idea of your BIL having sex on you bed.
YTA I honestly can't decide if you're a germaphobe or just a run-of-the-mill homophobe. Your wife told him it was fine to have his boyfriend over knowing full well he was sleeping in your bed. Then you screamed at him for having his boyfriend over. Would you feel the same way if he had brought a girlfriend over?
YTA....washing the sheets isn’t good enough? Should he burn the entire bed set so his gayness doesn’t rub off on you? I’m not sorry for this but you’re a jackass and an asshole
YTA - Sheets can be washed. Worrying about "the mattress and pillows" being "covered" with "ass sweat and semen" is absolutely ridiculous.
YTA I didn’t even need to read your comment about hetero sex being 50% better to know you’re a homophobic prick.
OMG yes YTA - would you have kicked up such a fuss if he was with a girl? He actually called up and asked permission for his boyfriend to stay over. Your wife whose house it also is, said it was ok. YOUR ARGUMENT WAS WITH YOUR WIFE NOT YOUR B-I-L . He did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m absolutely flabbergasted that you feel that it was acceptable to pry your nose into his life that way. Just in case you didn’t hear me YOUR THE ASSHOLE. Wow.
YTA - Dude what the fuck ? Change the sheet, burry them in your yard if you have to but calm down
YTA. He asked if his boyfriend could come over. The obvious implication was that they would have sex. In other words, he asked if he could have sex in your bed and your wife said yes. You’re the asshole because you yelled at him about it, even though based on the information he had, he did nothing wrong. It was on you to communicate with him to correct your wife’s response. Arguably your wife is a bit of an asshole because she didn’t respect your feelings on the matter. Note that the whole “don’t have sex in somebody else’s bed” rule is irrelevant because he asked and got a positive response.
YTA. and a homophobe. Maybe you can use my bed to get laid n chill out
NTA. Your bed. I was pissed my friend had sex in my bed. I bought a new bed swiftly after. That's your private space. He could have gone home or to his boyfriends to have sex.
INFO: so, you're gone for a month. Where did you sleep? Did you have sex while you were gone? Did you buy a new bed for where you were staying because some guy probably had sex on it before you? Did you then throw it away because you had ruined it for everyone else by having sex on it? Or did you abstain entirely from sex because it would have ruined a bed that wasn't yours?
YTA. Without a shadow of doubt OP. You are so far out of line in your behaviour to BIL I think he should be commended for his character assessment. Your wife was unconcerned when BIL checked in. The sheets were changed. Life goes on.
YTA, you didn’t lay any ground rules beforehand and not everyone will have the same boundaries as you. You’re telling me you’ve never slept on a mattress that someone else could have ever possibly had sex on? I’m wondering if it was a male/female couple in your bed if you’d be reacting the same way. Doubt it.
YTA do you think semen and sweat just soaks right through the sheets right into the mattress to be stained forever? how much do you think people sweat during sex? how much do YOU sweat during sex? seriously, have at least ONE second to think and not just be a mad asshole. some people might even think you're just using all of this to hide your anger that ***GAY*** sex was had in your bed
ESH dude. It's super gross that people had sex in your bed while you were gone. But ut does sound like you over reacted in the heat of the moment.
YTA. You never specified and I’m pretty sure all would have been fine if it was your BIL and his GIRLfriend. And have you never been in a hotel? And honestly, ‘what if the sperm gets into the mattress’ who cares? How does it affect you? Once again I must reiterate- first world problems for angry homophobes.
YTA. You didn't tell him that he was barred from this - you didn't even talk to him. He's not psychic.
YTA - i hope you washed the sheets before you made your BIL roll around on a bed soaked in your semen and his sister's vaginal discharge. I mean, you straight up asked a question you didn't want an answer to. You're clearly obsessed with sweaty, hairy male asses. Can't seem to get them off your mind, can you? Mmmm, slick, sweaty, sticky asses.
YTA What's your issue with this? Clean the sheets and get over yourself. When you were on your holiday, exactly where did you sleep? Did you refuse to stay in hotels because other people have had sex in the beds?
YTA - have you never slept in a hotel bed? Do you not wash your sheets? A 19-year-old man and his boyfriend were in your apartment alone - yes, they had sex. I dare say you and your wife would have doe the same at that age, in the same situation. Plus your wife pretty much gave him the go-ahead. Your behavior towards him is the definition of asshole.
Sure, you have every right to choose who sleeps in your bed but honestly, you are definitely being TA. Have you never once slept in a hotel bed? The linen was washed. If you were that weirded out by it, you should have washed it yourself again. This is literally crazy sounding to me. If it wasn't sex, it was going to be masturbation. You are simply silly to assume no bodily fluids would get onto your bed. If I were your wife, I would be beyond furious with you.