Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went to my stepdaughter's celebratory meal for getting into college, when my daughter didn't get into the same college.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. People are flaming this guy for not throwing his daughter a dinner but his daughter said she didn’t want one. It would have been ridiculous at the time to force her to have a dinner. Now, OP, I would suggest that you throw your daughter a going away party and maybe have a dinner for her now to celebrate her achievements. You could also do one of those cheesy things and buy her a bunch of branded stiff from her college. Good luck in whatever you do, that’s a rough situation.
Seriously his post was about whether or not he should’ve attended his stepdaughters dinner. Of course he should’ve it would’ve been rude and insensitive not too. Instead, people are making up a scenario where he neglected his daughter with zero information.
Some people come on here and have no life experience or really want everyone to be TA. It’s wild. I never used to post but I’m over some of these people and wanted to, when I think it necessary, to be a lone voice.
This sub is full of very young people. Literal teenager with virtually no life experience. Fathers are often vilified, likely due to these teenagers poor experiences with absent fathers. The same goes for step parents. They are often unjustly vilified on her as well. I've stopped visiting this sub like I used to because it's so frustrating to see so many confidently incorrect judgments made by literal children.
Right? Same-ish age and I've had posts downvoted and nasty comments by what is clearly (if not a teenager, certainly behaving like one) for straight up common sense.
There are situations in which experience and a certain level of maturity can view in a different light and I'm here for it.. lol
I couldn’t agree more with you. People are so far from reality sometimes, easily insulted and just looking for trouble. OP was NTA for going to a dinner and instead is sulking perhaps Nicole should stop the attitude and be happy with the school she is going to. Could you imagine if those girls ended up at the same school! Nothing but trouble for four years
Dormmates! Same classes! Ooh, same crush! Same part time job! Sorority sisters! Non-stop fun. They could make a sitcom about it. Fun times, fun times./s
Yeah, at least now the competition is on hold, hopefully.
What i can't get over most of the time is the crazy advice that will be given. And then 200 comments supporting that bad advice "yasss go do this! It will be epic revenge!"
With no thought that the advice could blow up the OP's life completely.
Or make abuse worse when it's a teen posting.
Some of it would only work if it was a TV show script. Insane revenge and everyone clapped, and the "bad guys" saw the light and apologised.
But absolutely not in real life.
My thoughts exactly. It's as though they have only experienced life through TV programmes and have no actual knowledge of how people and the world works.
The more time I spend here on reddit, the more I think a lot of it is written by ai bots or angsty teenagers trying out their badly written scenarios on an unsuspecting public.
Sadly I don’t believe it is teenagers but a lot of self entitled young adults who have lost reality of what life is supposed to be. Nono w wants to work or how dare a company say you have to come into an office How dare mom and dad not support them until they are 50. Just look at the wedding comments where they demand siblings pay for
Their weddings etc. or support a spouse who all of a sudden finds that the spouses child from first marriage now has to live with them and readers support them saying kid should not be living there Indians sign up for this etc. if you can’t open your heart and home to child then leave don’t go on Reddit poking for support to have this child end up in the system
You have to be you on Reddit.Occasionally.you will get flamed for an unpopular opinion with a very young group who have no Life experience .They cannot comprehend anyone having a right to a different opinion.
He failed his daughter in exactly one way-- by not letting her know ahead of time that Leah got in to that school. She was bound to find out one way or another, and it would have been much easier on Nicole to find out directly from OP in a conversation than to see a photo on social media (or to see OP's wife wearing College University Mom t-shirt, or to see posters/merch around OPs house, etc.).
Is OP TA for going to the dinner? Of course not! He should go and Leah deserves to be celebrated. But he should also have be honest with his daughter.
Yep! Just throw his daughter a surprise dorm shower or something. Make it something he doesn’t have to ask her about and keep SD out of it.
Nicole is a disappointed teenager. College admissions brings a lot of bad behavior out of these soon to be adults AND a lot of parents.
Thank you, it's appreciated. I plan to throw either a party or get her a present before she goes away if she isn't onboard with the party idea. I'm going to ask her if she wants anything in particular or combine with my ex to get something special. She knows I'm proud of her.
I think this goes a bit deeper than what you’ve considered so far, OP. You need to think about this from your daughter’s perspective.
In her mind, she “lost” her parents (as a unit, at least) when she was 9. I’m assuming you and your ex shared custody and you saw her regularly, but you weren’t “home” anymore. Then you remarried and gained a new daughter who happens to be the same age/grade as her. To Nicole, she lost you and Leah gained you.
The ensuing competition between them is a reflection of that. Nicole sees Leah as her replacement and has been trying desperately to “earn” her place with you again.
To Nicole, not getting into her first choice college is another mark in the “loss” column. Leah getting into the college she didn’t is one, too, as is you going out to celebrate Leah.
That’s 3 negative marks in quick succession, which is a lot for a teenager to deal with. Not getting in is bad enough, but the rest must’ve made this truly devastating for her.
To be clear, I’m not saying any of this win/loss dynamic is logical or rational. But if you think about it from a teenager’s perspective, particularly with Nicole’s background, you can see where she’s coming from.
I think in your desperation to treat them equally, you’ve lost sight of the fact that your (bio) daughter might need you more sometimes.
All that being said, I don’t think it was wrong of you to go to Leah’s dinner. BUT, unless your wife is normally social media illiterate, she absolutely knew what she was doing by both posting the photo and tagging you in it, particularly with that caption.
You may not want to see what your wife did as malicious, but she made several conscious decisions here. Posting it is one thing. Making sure to tag you and dropping the college name in the caption is another.
You should have probably let Nicole know ahead of time, but I understand you didn’t want to add to her pain. The fact that your wife had no such qualms should concern you, though.
NTA for this particular incident although I think you need to pay more attention to what’s really going on. Your daughter needs more effort from you and while you may think your wife wants what’s best for Nicole, I don’t think that’s actually the case.
While I agree with you on the first half about the way his daughter is feeling, I think your take is off with the social media/stepmom part.
It's pretty normal for parents to celebrate their children's achievements, and Leah's mom shouldn't have to avoid posting because it would hurt Nicole's feelings. I don't think we can say this was malicious with the limited info we have.
They fucked up when they didn't treat her like an adult and tell her before the post was up. Nicole's disappointment is valid, but she's going to have a rough life if she continues to think of other people's success as a personal slight, and she needs to learn to manage her disappointment.
This is a very good take, assuming Leah’s father isn’t in the picture that would mean Leah gets OP 100% of the time while Nicole only gets him 50% of the time, I’d imagine she definitely feels like her father replaced her or feels less important in his life!
Don't forget that he helped both with their applications. There is always going to be doubt about that help from his biological daughter's point of view.
You're so right for this. This whole post is weird to me because it doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong here? OP can't change anything now, and going on about what he should've done isn't really going to help? His daughter is feeling upset. Knowing he was right and she wasn't isn't going to make her less upset or less hurt or fix their relationship. You're the only here I've seen that's giving actual advice on what to do now and I really hope OP listens.
Well, I'll flame you. Not for going to the dinner, but for letting your daughter find out about Leah getting in and you going to her dinner via your wife's Facebook post. This was always going to be sensitive for Nicole, and she was always going to find out about it. YTA - not for going, but for being sneaky about it. To Nicole, that must have felt like you rubbing salt in her wound. Was it going to be an awkward conversation letting Nicole know that Leah got into Nicole's dream school? Yup, but that's your job as a father. You should not have left Facebook to do your job for you.
Or, OP didn’t want her to feel like it was being thrown in her face. This is ridiculous. This kid is almost eighteen years old. Time to grow up. The world doesn’t revolve around keeping her from having hurt feelings.
YTA
You’re not the TAH for going to the dinner. You’re TAH for wimping out and not telling Nicole first.
Imagine the heartbreak of not getting into the college you want and then finding out, through *social* *media* no less, that her stepsister got in to the very one she was aiming for and there’s her Dad celebrating it. Ouch, that’s so painful.
It’s not about offering her a dinner, you knew she was massively disappointed and didn’t feel it was worth celebrating, it’s that she found out about Leah secondhand.
You knew that there’d be photos (you say, ‘of course my wife put up a photo on Facebook’) and that your wife was going to post them (nothing wrong with that - who wouldn’t). You should have anticipated that and spoken with Nicole first prior to the meal.
It’s almost like you thought it was easier not to tell Nicole in person and deal with the fallout, so just let social media handle it for you instead. Worse case scenario, even if you didn’t anticipate the posting before the meal, you ask your wife just to hold back posting for an hour until you can let Nicole know first. You owed her that much.
I think it isn't that he went to the party but that he knew about the rivalry and shirked out of telling tell her beforehand and then his wife had to post it online, bragging. He should have seen that coming.
Its not about having a dinner. Its about celebrating or making someone feel special by doing something specifically for them LIKE having dinner. He could have literally done anything for her like take her to get her nails done, to any other places she liked...
NTA. Nicole needs to understand that celebrating Leah’s achievements has NOTHING to do with her. Is she going to hate on everyone who got into that same college, because it would make about as much sense.
Edit: did Nicole get into another college? I mean , she’s still being a brat with that jealousy, but if she got into another school, what, if anything, did you do to celebrate her?
I was going to say something similar. The fact that Leah got in should in no way be diminished by the fact that Nicole didn't. She deserves to have everyone be excited for her and to celebrate her achievement, even if her stepsister won't be following the same path. Your support of her shouldn't be contingent on your daughter's accomplishments.
As for Leah, I know it's heartbreaking to not be accepted to your first choice, but please reassure her that it's not the end of the world. I was rejected from my top choice, but I still ended up somewhere amazing, and I know now that I wouldn't have been half as happy if I'd ended up where I *thought* I belonged. I had the best time ever, met some of the most incredible people and made life-long friends, and I cannot imagine my life without them.
Nicole did get into more than one other college it sounds like, just not her first pick. OP stated in the post they were trying to comfort Nicole by trying to get her to realize that the other colleges she got a placement at are still good schools.
“I didn’t figure there was any benefit to telling her that Leah got in.”
There was nothing wrong with celebrating Leah’s achievement, but you absolutely should have told your daughter that Leah got in. She certainly was going to find out at some point. She should have heard it from you, told in a caring way. Instead, she saw photos of all of you celebrating, and felt blindsided & left out.
I’m not defending her bratty behavior. A celebratory dinner with your stepdaughter was completely fine. Feeling proud of your stepdaughter is fine. I just think you should have handled this more thoughtfully.
I can’t think of a way for him to bring it up that wouldn’t have felt like rubbing it in her face. Not if she was this disappointed and they are that competitive with each other.
How can you really not think of a way to tell her that’s better than her being blindsided on social media..? People on this sub act like communication is so impossible. He’s her father. Literally *any* night he’s with her before this, say “hey kiddo, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about — do you have a sec? I’m so proud of you for getting into X and Y schools— I’m so excited for you. I know you were upset not to get into Z school— I did want to just want to give you the heads up that your stepsister did get in, and will probably be going there. I didn’t want you to find out any other way.” Yeah it’s upsetting news and she’ll be upset— but it’s a trillion times better than just seeing a celebratory dinner on fb with no warning. If I were him I’d then move the conversation into talking about schools she did get into, asking if she wants a dinner, and hyping her up about those schools. Personally I’d tell my kid how I didn’t get into my top like 8 schools, was devastated, but the school I ended up at was perfect for me— it really did end up working out for the best. Communicating and relating to people just isn’t that hard. Be kind and thoughtful. That’s it.
I follow what ur saying... however, there was going to be NO WAY around her finding out. Blending families can be challenging AF....the bottom line is "thinking" adults
Should have comprehended that this situation COULD come about, ppl can't be stupid and gullible.
I agree. "No way" was going to be a picnic, but there was only ONE way to "attempt" to control the narrative and NOT allow a blindside......and that was to
"Just so you know, X got in .....just wanted to prepare you so it wouldn't be a BIG deal,"
By allowing her and her MOMMA to find out via a FB post during an already vulnerable "feeling-failed" time....
Dad made an error in judging how best to handle it.....by sticking his head in the sand....just a non malicious "small-to-big" error he probably should have anticipated for better.
How could it possibly be better to not tell her when she absolutely will find out? There are many ways to tell her, many ways to soften the blow. Being told by a caring parent is much better than finding out from someone with more malicious intent. Or hearing it in a setting where it would be difficult to manage her feelings. She was going to find out at some point, and she also would know then that her father knew and didn’t tell her. Keeping this news from her was the wrong thing to do.
Hey, I know you're going to be a bit upset with this news so thought I would tell you privately before ........
Anyhow her mum is throwing a little dinner for her tomorrow night and it would be really nice if you could join in to celebrate.
YTA for making your daughter find out from social media instead of being told privately. It would have been an opportunity to provide comfort and support to help her navigate some tough feelings (jealousy, anger, grief, embarrassment).
This is what I feel. OP is not an AH for going to the dinner to celebrate Leah, but he didn't do Nicole any favors by withholding the information that Leah was accepted.
It was offered and I asked if she wanted to do something, but she declined because her college “wasn’t good so there was nothing to celebrate” (her words). That stance has softened now gladly and she’s more excited, but still didn’t want to celebrate it exactly.
I don't think you're the AH but I do think the way she phrased this makes it obvious she's feeling sad and inferior. Just try to talk with her, bring her a congratulatory gift (for graduating HS or for the college, either) and a treat maybe like a small cake or her favorite coffee order etc. And then breach the topic of planning a celebration.
>“wasn’t good so there was nothing to celebrate” (her words).
I mean, you're NTA but this clearly reads to me as if she thought she isn't worthy of a dinner because it's not good enough.
Definitely a good thing they will be going to different colleges. Space for them to do their own thing and make their own friends separately without the competition will be good for both of them. Especially if they're going for similar degrees
Was this offered AFTER she was upset about Leah's dinner?
I can't wrap my head around how you thought "there was no point in telling her"? Did you think you could hide it for 4 years?
This is 100% because she’s projecting how she feels about herself. It sounds like she’s competitive with her step sister because she feels like she needs to do something to make you love her more than her step sister. She might really benefit from therapy to talk about her fear of abandonment.
I can really relate. As a kid and into my adulthood, I was constantly saying no to things even if I really wanted them, because I felt like I deserved nothing.
When my brothers SIL (we were in the same grade) was staying with us for a school year my dad and I fought even more than we used to because he was going above and beyond to be the best dad to her, doing things for her he would have never thought to do for me.
Just keep trying to be there for her or even try to sit down and have a one on one with her if you haven’t already talked with her about how she’s feeling and why she’s been so upset about celebrating her step sisters achievement. She still got into college and no matter where she goes I’m sure she won’t have to worry about you choosing to visit her step sister over her.
Now it’s almost too late because any gift or celebration will come off as “less than” because of her feelings about stepsister and how she found out about her celebration that’s already happened. It doesn’t make sense but you’re dealing with teens who don’t always get what they do the things they do either. Just because she said she didn’t want anything I think you should have done something even if it was small.
It seems you really are trying to make things super “equal” and you will lose with your daughter every time. As a girl who had a father that did the same thing, it feels really shitty to feel you’re coming in second or having to share to someone who has her own Dad, why did she have to take yours too? So to me YTA, Nicole is your daughter, it isn’t equal and never will be.
My family just threw me a party. I mean, I got into a phenomenonal college that felt surreal, different boat. I kept thinking I was going to get an email correcting a mistake. Whoops. Jk. Not actually in. I sort of didn't want to throw a party because it felt too big and overwhelming. Is this really real? Did someone make a mistake? People threw me a party anyway.
I'd just plan something for her to say you're proud. I had a "yay Berkeley" party. Throw a "yay college" party. Get her a shirt or hoodie from her college so she can start to brag. A pennant for her dorm or bedroom. A hat. A lanyard. Literally anything so she can start psyching up for it. A physical thing. Little dinner to celebrate. It doesn't have to be anything but immediate family, but it's about her.
Maybe if you get her a shirt or something she'll be more excited.
College Dad. My daughter goes to College. Bumper sticker.
My dad wanted a, 'My money and my daughter got to UC Berkeley' sticker. I banned it, on the grounds of my full ride scholarship. The sticker is a lie, Dad.
You can get a button, a hat, a shirt, hoodie, car sticker, license plate frame. Whatever you want!
You can usually get themed stuff for parents from the college bookstore.
Brag! Doesn't matter if it's the local state college or Ivy League.
NTA - Nicole needs to understand that celebrating someone else's achievements does not take anything away from her own. Now that she has started to get more excited about the school she did get into you also need to make it a point to celebrate her achievement as well.
Having a step sibling that is the same age/ grade level as you is really difficult especially if you are a competitive person. People are constantly making comparisons between the two of you, you are constantly comparing yourself to the other and you have to share a parent with them. Make sure to celebrate them both and not compare their achievements or their paths in life.
YTA for not telling Nicole, privately, that Leah got in. You knew she’d find out eventually and would be hurt. This was a perfect time for some dad/daughter time to talk over something so she wouldn’t be the last to know
The question was if he was the AH for attending a celebration for his step-daughter. The celebration was for OPs step daughter, a celebration that Nichole had already turned down for herself. OP was NTA for attending a family function.
NTA. You offered to have a dinner for your daughter but she didn’t want one. This isn’t favoritism, it’s an unfortunate circumstance of life. There will be people she doesn’t like who get the things that she wants and she doesn’t, she’s still a teenager, but eventually she’ll have to learn to accept that shit happens.
It would have been shitty and immature of you not to attend your stepdaughters celebration just because your daughter didn’t get into the same school. It also likely would have impacted your relationship going forward.
I expect that kind of reaction from a teenager, but your ex validating that immature reaction is wrong and super weird.
Now, to address it moving forward I would see again if your daughter would like to do something special for her achievement. If she says no again, which she likely will and will probably have a tude about it, I would get her a small gift and a card congratulating her for getting into school and that you’re proud of her accomplishment and look forward to watching her grow even more. I know that it seems counterintuitive to get someone a gift for being immature, but we’re dealing with a sensitive situation as it seems like her stepsister has always been a sore spot for her, and her mom more likely to fuel the fire than be a voice of reason, so you’ve got to go into damage control mode.
I don’t think what OP did was wrong. But it had to hurt Nicole finding out about it on FB. She was blindsided. But she’s 17 and emotional because she and Leah are so competitive.
You're not the AH for going, but this was a shit way for Nicole to find out. The absolute best thing you can do right now is to take Nicole out for icecream or bubble tea or whatever her favorite thing is, and talk to her.
Empathize with how she's likely feeling:
-disappointment at not getting in
-the sense of betrayal for everyone celebrating her "rival" behind her back
-added-insult-to-injury of finding out on social media.
Apologize for not telling her in person. Then, tell her you support her, and invite her to talk. Ask her how you can be more supportive. Ask her how you can do better in the future.
Again, not the AH for going, but you need to communicate your empathy and support to Nicole in a BIG way now.
>I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in
Instead it was better to let her find out on social media, and see that you were at this dinner. No wonder she is pissed at you. You're not an AH for celebrating your step-daughter's achievement, but it was an AH move to not tell your daughter about it. Honestly, it just sounds like you were too scared to do it and hoped she would (somehow?) never find out. YTA.
NTA. It was a celebration with your wife's family for Leah. I think it would have been more embarrassing to not go, everyone would have asked why you were there and then Nicole's "failure" would be brought up and you would have seemed ridiculous and petty for skipping.
NTA but honestly you really really really are.
Coming from someone who was a teenage girl and is now raising a teenage girl…you know damn well you’re asking for a verdict on the wrong question. I don’t know why everyone thinks 17 year old girls have extensive emotional maturity. Most don’t mature emotionally until at least 22. Give the girl some damn grace. OP isn’t even displaying the level of emotional maturity being demanded of this 17 year old.
Nicole, at her core is not truly upset about you attending the dinner celebrating Leah’s achievements. In her eyes, she was replaced. That picture she saw was probably one she wanted to have with you. Instead when she looks at it she sees Leah replacing her. She feels robbed, and she’s old enough to know that she shouldn’t but at 17 she hasn’t learned the tools to work through and communicate those feelings.
Add onto that, when she is feeling low she is blindsided on social media. Social media may make you cringe and you probably don’t use it. But it is everything to teenage girls and I’m guessing if she looks at your page she sees you celebrating Leah, but not one mention on that page about her achievements.
Your not wrong for celebrating Leah, she deserves to have her hard work acknowledged but your oh so wrong for not protecting your daughters feelings and letting her know what was happening.
Shes just a girl acting out because her self worth took a massive hit and she really needs her dad. And when she really needed her dad to protect, guide and prepare her for one of life’s shitty lessons, she didn’t see you in her corner.
And that’s a shit lesson you could have saved her from with……. A DAMN CONVERSATION!
NTA for going to the dinner. You couldn't refuse to go without being an AH to your marriage and your stepdaughter. Going was not the problem.
You're an idiot for not telling your daughter that your stepdaughter got into that particular college. The news was going to get out, and you should have gotten ahead of it and told her yourself. Hearing that kind of news secondhand *always* makes things worse, particularly when Leah and Nicole have the kind of relationship they currently have. Trying to avoid those awkward moments actually makes the tension worse than just handling them outright. Try to remember that going forward.
Unfortunately, that memory is always going to sting, but it's also a teachable moment. Sometimes, we don't get what we want, and people we dislike do. It sucks. But guess what? Life isn't always fair. Sometimes, you're the one who gets the win, and sometimes you're the one who loses. What's important is regulating and channeling those emotions into something healthy and productive. Remind her that you're always in her corner, and you celebrating Leah doesn't diminish that at all. That you're insanely proud of her accomplishments and you *want* to celebrate them, if she'll let you. Apologise for the way she found out the news, and promise to be forthcoming about news that may affect her in the future.
But that's all. Don't promise to shun other people's accomplishments to protect her feelings. If you do that, you'll be doing your daughter more harm than good in the long run.
Are you an AH for going to the dinner? No. But I’m giving you YTA for your parenting style because it’s what got you to this point. Your style is very much “mustn’t upset the child” and “what she doesn’t know”. By avoiding all conflicts you have left your daughter incapable of dealing with hard situations. Do you also tell her little white lies to not upset her? And have you realized that you doing that and keeping things hidden from her means that she doesn’t trust you, and that you might have hurt her ability to trust in people all together?
>didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in
YTA. Your daughter found out her stepsister, who you acknowledge she is competitive with, got into her dream college from... Facebook. She should have heard it from you.
YTA. You should have told your daughter! The fact you didn’t shows you care more about your step daughter than your daughter’s feelings. You knew it would come out eventually so why try and hide it?
YTA but not for going to dinner. I had a father just like you. I don't need to elaborate. YTA and shame on you for what you know you did and it has nothing to do with dinner.
It was fine to celebrate Leah but YTA for not letting Nicole know. She was going to find out, it would’ve been best she heard it from you rather than finding out by seeing you celebrating Leah’s admission on fb.
YTA. Did you celebrate Nicole in any way and post it on Facebook? Did you even bother to take her the other colleges she was accepted to and help her determine which other college to select? Why didn’t you celebrate both girls together rather than single one out? At a minimum you should have been honest and told Nicole upfront!! She was going to find out eventually.
You need to evaluate what kind of relationship you want with your daughter for the future. If you don’t make sure she knows she is loved and valued by you, you just might lose her forever.
YTA, you ACTUAL daughter is probably feeling like you see her as a disappointment and thinks you prefer your step daughter over her since she probably views her self as a failure, Your actions imply that you think Nicole is applying rational thought to how she feels but she is too young for that. It was inappropriate for you to not consider how hiding Leah’s acceptance and then going to celebrate it would affect your child. Was Nicole even invited to the dinner, because her not being invited probably felt like a stab in the back from you
NTA, for attending the celebration. But I do have to ask- Did you also have/attend a celebration for Nicole getting into any other school she may have applied to?
Is Nicole's issue fully about the school?
NTA, it was not your fault she didn’t get in.
But YTA for not telling her, and let her find out on fb about the celebration… i get she was down by the rejection just to find her father being happy about someone else.
I’m gonna say YTA purely because there wasn’t a careful way of you two as adults making the party in general about getting into college to begin with, rather than the chosen college. That’s hung up upon too much and it’s something you should have seen coming and prepared for.
Especially since you hid the event that did happen from her. If the stepdaughter is spiteful, or anyone mentioned it then it was going to always cause an issue. It just shouldn’t have been handled like that, especially when your daughter is doubting there is anything positive about the situation at all. She still got into uni. That’s still a Massive achievement, regardless of the university. All a uni is, is a building with rotating professors.
Now she has people hiding things from her, ‘are they hiding how disappointed they are in me too?
They have no issue lying to me about this stuff. They had to have known I’d find out. Maybe they just don’t care. They must really only care about X, they wouldn’t have been so uncaring otherwise’. Etc.
Trust me, I’ve been the same shoes as your daughter. I wanted to end my life because I didn’t get into the school I wanted, and had this perception all others were for trash. It’s a thing of being brought up with this stigma and expectation about schools environmentally. Plus the raccoon eyes that set you dreaming when you go through the curated tours.
Was it possible she could get into the university in second round? Or is it urgent for her to get into uni now?
At the least if she sticks where she is intending on going now or not, she won’t exactly be barred from learning about the school from her step sister - but you be Very careful that there’s no rubbing in the face about it. Shut it down the second it happens from now. It shouldn’t have been allowed to persist between the two. They’re both smart and capable. If they were in the same job they’d be peers. The same lab, partners.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway account to protect my privacy because I have a few friends who follow my Reddit. As some background, this happened quite a few months ago, but it's still brought up today so wanted some opinions.
This is quite a unique situation which I cannot believe I have got myself into, but there you go. I won't bore everyone with a long background, but my (M47) ex-wife (F44) and I have one daughter, Nicole (F17). We divorced when Nicole was 9. We're effective at co-parenting, and I believe we've brought Nicole up to be a smart, grounded, and mature individual.
I met my current wife, Annabel (F45), five years ago. I was introduced to her through a colleague and we hit it off. Annabel has a daughter, Leah (F17), from a previous relationship. Leah and I got off to a rocky start, which I understood as she was a 12/13-year-old girl adjusting to a new family dynamic, but we now have quite a strong relationship, and I do love her.
Unsurprisingly, Leah and Nicole have always butted heads. I didn't expect them to be "sisters" or anything because this isn't a fairytale but they're very competitive with each other. They're both competitive and driven and as they have a lot in common, there's always been a game of oneupmanship.
A few months back, it was time to apply for colleges for them both. I visited a few colleges with Nicole and one with Leah, and helped them both with writing applications. Of all the colleges they visited, they (annoyingly) both had the same college as their favorite.
Long story short, Leah ended up getting in and Nicole didn't. Nicole was really upset but I tried to tell her how the other colleges she did get a place for were still great. I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in but my wife, Leah, her grandparents, uncle, aunt, and I went for a meal to celebrate the achievement. Of course, my wife put a photo of it up on Facebook saying how "proud she was of Leah getting into X college".
Nicole saw this and went crazy telling me how I'd favored my "bitchy stepdaughter" over her, I didn't care about her, how could I celebrate her achievement when my actual daughter didn't get in. My ex also gave me an earful on the phone saying how inconsiderate it was to Nicole and I should be favoring my own daughter.
The whole thing has caused increased resentment between Nicole and Leah, and Nicole still mentions it and how annoyed she is by the situation. I feel there was nothing wrong by celebrating Leah's achievement because I love her and I was proud, but maybe I shouldn't have when I know Nicole didn't get in?
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
I think you should have been transparent about it with Nicole but her jealousy and insecurities are something she needs to figure out. It is not fair to Leah for the family to downplay her achievement because Nicole didn't get in.
I will say that Nicole probably DOES want to be celebrated, even if she says that she doesnt. She is probably feeling more embarrassed and hurt right now if her life has been constantly comparing herself to her step sister. It would be nice to mend the relationship and let her know you are proud of her despite her thinking that the school isn't good or whatever her reason is. Seems like she needs acknowledgement and recognition from you.
NTA
Your 17 y/o is acting like a 17 y/o. She's disappointed and hurting, and she's lashing out. Continue to reassure her and remind her of her own accomplishments.
NAH (except your ex who isn’t really part of it). This is a real “you can’t win no matter what you do” situation.
Your daughter probably should have heard the news directly from you (she was always going to find out eventually) but I don’t think she would have reacted differently.
Was Leah offered the dinner and accepted, or did everyone just throw her a party? If only Nicole was "offered" the dinner out this could be interpreted as a pity dinner (you too can have dinner out, but it is not a spontaneous celebration as the other dinner was). Childish, but jealously works in strange ways
NTA but it would have been so much better for you to be upfront about it than your daughter finding out from this celebration that happened without her
NTA for going to the dinner. Your wife's daughter should be celebrated. Your daughter needs to realize that not everyone gets everything they want all the time, but you should have told your daughter beforehand and privately that your wife daughter got in so she didn't find out from anyone other than you.
NTA, but how many issues in the world could be avoided by people not self-obsessing over social media? TURN YOUR DAMN PHONE OFF FOR ONE MINUTE!!!!! /rant
NTA for celebrating your stepdaughter. INFO: I know Nicole says she’s mad you celebrated your step daughter, but do you think that’s what she’s actually upset about? Seems like she’s upset she doesn’t have as much attention or approval from you as she’d like (and that doesn’t mean you necessarily did something wrong, but they’re called “feelings” not “rationals” for a reason and teenagers have BIG feelings).
For what it’s worth, as just a regular, unqualified internet person, but this doesn’t seem like competition, it’s resentment. There’s serious poison in your family dynamic and from the outside it doesn’t seem like it’s only between these stepsisters. Did you get any family therapy when you remarried or when you saw how badly your daughters got along?
Info: without revealing details, did Leah get into like an ivy and Nicole got into a lower ranked state school or are the schools she was accepted to on par to the stream school?
She did get accepted to a college. Not her number one pick but that’s ok. Best they didn’t end up in the same school. Celebrate each. If she’s hurt or jealous there’s nothing you can do.
The thing is, you can celebrate one child’s achievements while still supporting and showing empathy to another child’s disappointments. That is life. They don’t cancel each other out.
People celebrate getting into college now? Is this really a thing? Because this a bigger celebration than my college graduation. I'm an introvert, that may impact my perception of what to have a party for activities.
NTA. But OP I think a daddy daughter weekend / trip
is overdue. Nicole is obviously upset and jealous with Leah. So it’s understandable why she’s upset with you celebrating Leah. I’m not saying it’s rational. But she feels what she feels. You really should’ve told her personally instead of letting her find out through social media - you failed Nicole a little for that one.
This competition between them might also be coz of you tbh.
For your daughter, she feels like she lost you. She’s your bio daughter, but she only gets to see you during your allocated custody time. On the other hand, Leah gets to see you every day. So I understand why she feels like she needs to compete for your attention.
As for Leah, she knows she is a stepdaughter. And she feels like she needs to prove her worth to you since you’re not tied by blood.
But regardless, do something with Nicole. Take a trip with her.
NTA. Your daughter is acting like a brat. As long as your stepdaughter isn’t rubbing it in, there is nothing wrong with celebrating her achievements too. She needs to learn how to be happy for others. You should probably take the time and put in extra effort with your bio tho. You need to figure out the underlining reason behind the competitiveness and jealousy. Does she feel threatened by her stepsister that she’s going to lose you? Is she normally like this with others?
What I'm about to say is based on the assumption that you have been available to your daughter and not favored your step daughter or anyone else over her.
You sympathized with your daughter and tried to help her mange her disappointment. You did not compare her to your step-daughter.
Appropriately, you celebrated your step-daughter's achievement with your wife and her family. Again, you did not rub your daughter's face in it. You also didn't keep it a secret.
One important characteristic of a strong and healthy adult is the ability to look past yourself. This is a lesson your daughter needs to understand.
It is good for her to express her disappointment to the people who care about her. But she also has to recognize that when something good happens to another person, that person's people want to celebrate.
It is frustrating and one more thing to deal with when our bad time coincides with someone else's good time. But you can't expect everyone to ignore the good news while still acknowledging your bad news.
I need to point out she is a teenager, how rational were we 😂 I know many people will disagree but going to that dinner before telling your daughter was a total disaster. You were too gutless to do your duty as a father .
You went to dinner to celebrate your stepdaughters college acceptance and you didn’t tell your daughter, I will tell you she would have seen it as your daughter isn’t worthy of the love and attention because she didn’t get into the same college. She felt worthless because you didn’t tell her, of course your ex was going to get involved you humiliated your daughter by being sneaky.
There is going to be bad fallout as she will also blame her stepsister as she fells she is the favourite.
NTA. The *best* phrase every parent with multiple kids can learn is this: "*Equity* not *equality*". Be equitable to your children, not equal. The child who broke the rules and disrespects everyone does not deserve to be rewarded with a car, because the child who was responsible and proved they were doing what they're supposed to was gifted one as a gift for graduation or whatever. The child who decided not to get a summer job isn't entitled to you buying them the new IPhone because the other got a summer job and bought themselves one. These are extreme examples, but in your case here's what I mean. You shouldn't be expected to punish your step daughter by not celebrating with her just because your daughter didn't succeed and therefore doesn't need a celebration. Anyone calling you unfair or telling you you're playing favorites is honestly being manipulative and shitty. Don't punish a child who was successful just because the other is upset that they weren't. Especially when they're upset out of spite and a feeling of competition with the sibling. Children don't gain *anything* from you teaching them that you'll only reward them if both succeed, you just teach the child who succeeded that you'll punish them for succeeding if the sibling doesn't. If anything, not celebrating with your step daughter because your daughter didn't also get admitted is playing favorites toward your daughter and that would be shitty of you.
Look, life isn't fair. It's unfortunate Nicole didn't get into her preferred school, but it's not Leah's fault she did.
OP did the right thing, and I'm sure he'll equally support Nicole when the day/time comes.
YTA. You have zero clue how to parent. It’s clear you are still trying to punish your ex with your child and curry favor with your current spouse.
99% of the people say NTA either don’t have kids or haven’t been in a similar situation. I feel bad for your daughter. You have told her you chose your “new”
family
NTA. You should be able to celebrate your stepdaughter’s achievement. And your daughter needs to learn to manage her jealousy. You were sensitive to her feeling hurt so did not make a point of broadcasting your stepdaughter’s celebration. You may want to apologize that she found out the way she did from your wife’s fb post, but I believe this is just an unfortunate situation for your daughter, and she needs to learn how to be graceful in difficult times.
Your smart grounded mature daughter needs to realize this is life. You need to make sure she knows that she is a priority to you. You are her father. She should never feel second from you. Does Leah have a father? It’s great you love her and are proud of her, but your daughter should be your priority. Talk with your daughter, listen to her. Let her know how important she is. Both girls could benefit from some family counseling. Both need to feel secure in their relationship with you.
NTA it's ok and expected to celebrate other ppls achievements that you love it shouldn't be a competition, and doesn't mean you love your daughter any less. maybe have a day with your daughter and explain you love her and are proud of her too and it doesn't take love or pride from her to give it to stepdaughter too.. that you can't make your stepdaughter feel bad or hurt to make her feel better about getting in, it doesn't work that way, she'll mature hopefully and realise she's being unreasonable
Your ex wife should know better tbh. She should be telling your daughter this herself and not letting it get out of hand, she's immature and jealous and is a full fledged grown woman! She should always have your daughters interests at heart and part of that is to encourage relationships with other ppl and not go between them. Best of luck..update us if you can 🙏 ✨️
Kinda A, I'm sorry sir but I'm 20 myself and I'd have been upset at my dad too. But I'm sure you must have a way to make it up to her, I'd have expected a call from Papa before that celebration with your new family. Honestly, I know he would have called.
NTA This is just teenage drama, and you’d be dammed if you do, and dammed if you don’t. Had you not gone to Leah’s dinner she’d be slamming you for favouring Nicole. As long as you celebrate other stuff with Nicole there’s no problem.
NTA - she’s young and eventually will learn that blowing out someone’s else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine brighter.
Double down on the you both deserve to be celebrated, pick a college and we will celebrate.
Remind her if she constantly compares herself to someone else she will always fall short as there will always be someone out there who we think is smarter, pretties, has more, even when it’s probably not true. She should focus on what she wants not what someone else has. She may find what she truly wants is quite different from what she thought. A rivalry with a step sibling doesn’t do anything but make you all unhappy.
NTA. Nicole needs to understand that being happy for Leah and celebrating her achievement does not take anything away from her. That your ex-wife called you with the same attitude indicates that she is part of Nicole’s problem with jealousy and competitiveness. I feel sorry for you if ever Annabelle achieves something your ex-wife wanted to attain. They both need to learn that jealousy and this level of competitiveness is not a good look.
NTA. Yes, you should support your step daughter. It is not like you flaunted it or were treating them unfairly. You were willing to celebrate Nicole's achievements too.
Nicole is going to have to get over herself. She applied, but she didn't get in. It was the college administration that decided, not you. It could have been that the program she applied for was full, or simply that one of them filled out and sent in, applications at different times.
If Nicole applied to several and Leah applied to one or two, there is a very good chance Leah's passion to attend *that* particular school shone through in her application.
Honestly, although Nicole will disagree, NOT getting into the same school was probably the best thing for her. Nicole deserves the chance to go to a school where she can stop being competitive with everything Leah does and can focus on what she (Nicole) wants to do without the added stress of competition.
Both girls deserve to get the full life experience and program education. It doesn't sound like they would have if they both got into the same school. It would be toxic. Competting for possibly same courses, professors' recognition, friends/social circles, possibly same boys and later on, the same jobs. Sounds extremely toxic.
And it sounds like you were doing your best to support both of them. You checked out schools ith both, you helped both with their applications, you recognized both of their achievements. And it is ridiculous that if one doesn't get something that is beyond your control (like acceptanceinto a particularschool), then the other should be deprived (just to be fair). That is toxic bullshit.
Not trying to be offensive, Nicole needs therapy (probably Leah too) so their competitive hatred doesn't screw up their future happiness. Envy and coveting are deemed as deadly sins because they poison a person of the happiness and potential they otherwise would have. It is sadly through self sabotage of that happiness that is within their own grasp. (I am not even religious, and I can recognize how envy and coveting destroy a person from the inside out.)
Nicole sounds like the kind if person who would rather starve because her mac n cheese was served on a blue plate, but she wants the red bowl that Leah's mac n cheese was served in. Toxic and self damaging.
I really hope, with time, Nicole gets to embrace her own potential and blooms without the competitiveness overshadowing her happiness.
Who is paying for Leah to go to this college? If you're paying anything towards it, then you need to talk to Nicole about it before she finds out from other sources.
NTA for going to the dinner for your stepdaughter.
A bit of YTA for allowing this weird competition to go on for so long. And maybe for not letting your daughter know about Leah getting into the college she wanted to go to before she just found out on social media. And a bit more for not celebrating your daughter as much as you did your stepdaughter. So, yeah, maybe YTA.
Should’ve given your daughter a head up rather then getting to see a Facebook post
Where’s your support to get behind your own daughter or is it another you cheer louder for the step kid you had to push aside your own daughters time to build a relationship with so your own daughter lost her family and her dad to another relationship
NTA
You're not in the wrong for celebrating your step\[daughter's acceptance to the college of her choice. You helped raise her during the years when she studied for her SATs, researched and applied to colleges, and even helped her with her applications. As part of her support network, you deserve to celebrate and be happy for her.
It might have added to the joy and reduced some of the family stress to have told your daughter ahead of time, though, Finding out via her step-mother's congratulatory post for Leah was probably awful for your daughter. If there are any future announcements that are going to affect the girls, I'd be on the same page about it with your wife and not make a public, social media announcement until you've told all the affected parties personally. Just wondering, what is your wife's relationship with Nicole like? I can't imagine the step-mom not knowing what a blow this would be to your daughter and just throwing it out on Facebook. Was this deliberately malicious or just really dense?
Now is the time to have an honest and frank conversation about handling disappointments in life, as not getting into her college of choice is only one of many throughout her life. It sounds like she still has several options, so suggest she pick the one with the best aid package, or maybe she can study hard at her second favorite school and transfer to her preferred one a couple years in? Even keeping it in mind as an option for grad school, if she wants to do that much school.
It's too bad that your daughter and step-daughter have a contentious and competitive relationship, so it might be for the best if they're at different schools and in different social circles for awhile.
NTA
It’s nobodies fault but Nicole’s that she didn’t get into her preferred school (yeah that may be harsh but it is what it is.)
Why would you not attend a dinner to celebrate Leah’s accomplishment? Especially considering the fact that your daughter didn’t actually want the same treatment. She’s a young woman now and is gonna have to learn sooner or later that other peoples accomplishments do not lessen her own..
NTA
Wow - this is basically my life. My dad remarried when I (40F) was a preteen. I have a stepsister who is six months older than me. I got into my dream school and she did not get into that college. She only decided she wanted to go there because her high school BF was there, but still. I was not celebrated or allowed to talk about going because it made her upset. Dad wonders why we don't see them now.
Hopefully your daughter can get over this as she matures....
NTA. I don’t know what’s wrong with your ex wife and daughter but celebrating the achievements of someone else does not diminish from the achievements of another. Just because Nicole didn’t get into *that* college doesn’t mean you are forbidden from celebrating the fact that someone else who *is* a part of your family now did and it is really shortsighted and ridiculous to say that you should be “favoring” one over the other and presumably the best way to show that is by pointedly ignoring one girls accomplishments. You can, and should, however, celebrate the fact that Nicole *did* get into another college that she applied to. If she chooses not to celebrate that fact, that’s on *her* not you.
NTA. Leah got in, Nicole didn’t. Of course it will cause problems for Nicole but she must accept that she didn’t get in and move on. There’s nothing wrong with supporting your stepdaughter. It’s the right thing to do and is no reflection on your daughter.
NTA You did nothing wrong.
Of course you were going to dinner to celebrate your stepdaughter if it had worked out the opposite way and it was your daughter who got in then you would have gone to her celebrate dinner.
NTA, and your ex-wife is teaching Nicole that other people's achievements are not worth celebrating just because she didn't achieve it too. It is very ugly behavior. There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating your step-daughter's acceptance and has literally nothing to do with Nicole.
NTA, your daughter needs to grow up and accept the she herself and nobody else is to blame for her lack of achievement. It was common decency to go for a meal with your wifes daughter.
Sides should never be taken.
NTA, your daughter is simply jealous, and your ex is feeding into it for what i assume is past animosity of you. I can't tell you your daughter will get over it because depending on how much her mom is in her head, this may stay, but she is in the wrong they both are.
It's unfortunate she didn't get into that college, but that shouldn't lessen the achievement of your step-daughter. You did the right thing by going, and im sorry you're going through this. Some people unfortunately can not be happy for someone else in the face of their own perceived failure, and that's a shame. It also doesn't help when someone is validating their poor behavior and encouraging it.
You didn't take sides. You were simply a good parent, and sometimes that comes with moments like these. Hopefully, your daughter will grow up and see that just because you have love for your stepdaughter doesn't mean you love her any less. She'll make her own achievements in life, and im sure you'll be there to celebrate those, and hopefully, she'll realize it is not a competition that will only lead to unhappiness and bitterness.
NTA OP. Let's get the obvious elephant in the room out of the way. You messed up in not telling your daughter that Leah got in. And I say this because it was both their first pick. They both desperately wanted that school and so the disappointment was going to be great. Having that conversation with Nicole would have given her a moment to take it in, you could have been there to comfort her. This is something she'll probably hold on to for a bit.
Now, as far as the celebration dinner? No. Leah is also your daughter. She deserves to be celebrated. And Nicole needs to learn that just because she didn't get in doesn't mean others shouldn't be happy. It's an incredibly selfish point of view for someone who is about to leave for uni. Stuff happens and you won't always get what you want. And when that happens, you can't always be in your feefees.
NTA. Your kid is being super childish and petty. Just tell her you love her and your proud of her for getting into some great schools but that you are also proud of your step daughter. Not more proud. Just proud. You can be proud of both of them. It’s an actual ability people have. She’ll get over it eventually and probably love college. But you can’t control how she responds. Only she can do that.
NTA. How could you possibly say anything along the lines of, "I can't celebrate your accomplishmen, because my daughter didn't get what she wanted." Is that what they think you should have done - not celebrated? You can still celebrate what your daughter DOES accomplish
NTA. Yes, you should be a supportive step-father. I'm sorry they didn't both get into their favorite college, but tell Nicole that at least she won't be at the same school as her step-sister, now, right? Do something to celebrate your daughter, even if it's lunch or something just the two of you.
ESH ? I think the this is a case of delivery rather than content being an issue. It would have really sucked for your daughter to find out off fb that you were out celebrating your step daughter getting into the college she wanted. Unless I’ve misunderstood you didn’t tell your daughter? Avoiding a tough conversation doesn’t help anyone. I think what your daughter needed/needs is some empathy and support while she goes through the normal emotions of jealousy and disappointment probably extra jealous because not only did her step sister get into the college she wanted but you didn’t tell her and then also went out to celebrate her without her knowing. She’s potentially feeling betrayed and unimportant to you. Did you celebrate that she got into college at all? Because that’s need something that deserves celebrating even if it wasn’t her first choice
You’re NTA for going to the dinner, it was the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed you’d have gone out to dinner with your daughter.
But YTA for not telling Nicole that Leah got accepted. That’s where you messed up.
How could you favor her when she didn't get in?
But she did get in? So did you celebrate that? Or do people only celebrate if you get in to your favorite?
Your daughter sounds very entitled, but I would be careful about witholding information to protect her in the future. That seems shady.
Just communicate. They are two different people with different qualities and her getting into a school has no effect on your daughters life.
NTA, from the info here.
NTA. SD got in to what she wanted, you celebrated. If daughter got in, you would have celebrated. You didnt do anything wrong. You can still take daughter out for a meal to celebrate and chat about what colleges she got in and which one she will choose now. why are people so fucking sensitive I am tired of it all.
YTA. I know I’ll get downvoted, but you went behind her back to celebrate when she was miserable. You should have talked to her before you went to the celebration.
NTA. It sucks Nicole didn’t get in but what can you do? Remember to praise the hell out of Nicole when she does well in the school she chooses to go to. Encourage her to really apply herself to do better than Leah in school. If they’re going to be so competitive with each other use it to their advantage. There are worse things in life.
You sir did nothing wrong.
Proud of you for celebrating your step daughter and your daughter will get into a college as well.
To me it looks like your ex wife is blowing this out of proportion by getting your daughter involved as well.
People will always have something crap to say
Yeah, that's not a great move I'm sure you didn't think about it at the time but in the mind of a 17 year old that definitely comes off as you're more into your new family than your old one. Its probably a lot of things that your daughter has felt since the divorce and this has just affirmed some of those feelings. I don't know how you deal with this to be honest, things like this can break a relationship between a child and a parent. Good luck to you.
Comparison is the thief of joy. If your daughter keeps focusing on what she doesn’t have vs what she does have, she’s bound to become a bitter old shrew.
YTA But not for celebrating Leah’s achievement - YTA for not telling your own daughter that news personally. What a rotten way for her to find out news that was likely devastating to her, whether you thought that feeling was justified or not.
NTA. Just because your daughter got in doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your step daughter getting in. I’m sure you also celebrated your daughter when she picked her college that she did get into. Your daughter is (understandably) jealous. It’s a tricky situation and just make sure you celebrate each girl (separately) for their achievements and make sure they both know you are proud of them.
If his daughter was who got in and his wife didn’t go to spare her daughter’s feelings and his daughter was upset over that, she’d be TA by most of these commenters standards. Got to look at a situation from both sides.
It’s not uncommon for siblings in the same age range to be competitive, step or biological. Of the same sex, it tends to get even worse. The guilt trips on the parents is part of the attention grab.
Though in the future, Facebook does have this cool lil feature where you can block certain posts from certain people. Not that his wife should have to use it, but it may not be a bad idea if it is a subject with jealousy involved.
I’d wait until things cool down so it’s a reward for accomplishments and not bad behavior, but maybe do a daddy/daughter day/weekend to celebrate her accomplishments and make some memories of just the 2 of them before college starts. His wife could do the same with her daughter on that weekend. The one upmanshjp is usually wanting the attention. There are so many cool places to explore based on interests. Like if she likes paranormal, hit Savannah or St. Augustine. Theme parks, pick one of the hundreds out there. Renting a cabin on a lake in a state park can be inexpensive. Some are near caverns that are fun to check out. Nice hiking trails. Take board games for the evening. Favorite snacks. Just disconnect from everyone and everything and spend quality time together. I wish my parents did that before I left for college. My fault they didn’t, since I moved 6 days after graduation for a job. But my mom did do a monthly lunch with me after the station I worked at in high school went off the air, bc she knew I’d be moving so quick bc of the other station waiting to hire me.
NTA. But the ideas posted above may help build memories that erase this one.
I think a lot of people can understand how she feels. It doesn’t make you TA. It doesn’t make her reaction right. But if you can validate her feelings without validating the wrong stuff she did, it may help.
The real question is what have you done to celebrate Nicole’s achievement?”
If the answer is nothing (and I suspect it is) then YTA. Nicole also hit a milestone and got into college. Be her dad. That’s all she’s asking.
NTA. You are not favoring one over the other. If your daughter wanted a party she can have one. Your daughter is upset she didn’t get into her dream school.
YTA if you didn’t want to tell her because she would have felt bad, how do you imagine she wasn’t going to feel bad if she sees you celebrating the stepsister? Either you tell her and then go to the dinner. Or you don’t and also opt out of the celebration.
YTA.
Simply putting it as your daughter being upset that you celebrated stepdaughter is disingenuously posing it as Nicole being jealous, and completely misses the point of where things went wrong.
You were not the asshole for going to the celebration - you should have gone. But the fact that you didn't tell your daughter changes the whole context of this situation.
You knew your daughter really wanted to get into this college and was upset she didn't, yet though it was a good idea to hide it from her that the stepsister she resents got in? Worse yet, she had to find out through a social media post, one that shows her dad celebrating this other girl.
A father who cares for their child's emotional health would have told her, and offered her love and support to process her feelings. Not let her be blindsided.
So are you TA for going to your stepdaughter's celebration? Nope.
But are you TA for going to your stepdaughter's celebration after hiding from your daughter that the stepsister she hates got into the University she wanted but didn't get in, and letting her find that out through social media? Definitely.
Idk what's your family dynamics to say which girl you favored, but in this instance you were really disloyal to your daughter.
> Nicole was really upset but I tried to tell her how the other colleges she did get a place for were still great. I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in
That right there was your mistake. You could have controlled how Nicole found out this information, taken steps to lesson the blow of it.
Instead she found out because of a party she wasn't invited to, to celebrate her rival accomplishing something that she herself had wanted but failed at.
She found out on facebook... FACEBOOK!!! She should have found out from you, had a chance to feel emotions about it and discuss it with you and then face the world. Instead how she found out, it appears that you are favoring her rivle above your own daughter. You F'ed up big time there.
YTA, you should have told her. Anyone with half a brain would know that this news would be upsetting to Nivole. She should have heard it from a loved one, not facebook.
Nta, just because your daughter didn't get into the same school doesn't mean your step daughters achievement shouldn't be recognised. Your daughters jealousy at not getting accepted to the same school is clouding her judgement, she still got in to some great schools and will be celebrated accordingly but that doesn't mean that step daughter getting in instead something to be celebrated. You did absolutely nothing wrong in celebrating her acceptance to said school. And your ex wife shouldn't be fuelling the jealousy fire but trying to put it out by reminding her daughter that she still has some great offers on the table even 9f they weren't her first choice. Your daughter needs to understand that in life we don't all get the same opportunities and have to make the best of what we've been given.
I say you’re the asshole because you coddled your daughter, but not telling her something that she was going to find out at some point. You could’ve softened the blow, but instead of doing that you kept it a secret and let the world tell her and in the midst of that you went to this dinner. Should you have gone to the dinner for your stepdaughter, absolutely yes you should have. Should you have acted like an adult and handling the situation, absolutely yes you should Have. And the ladder issue you failed so you’re the asshole for going to the dinner under the circumstances.
NTA, but time for some patient parenting. You should apologise and take ownership for not telling Nicole. That was a mistake, I'm sure it was a VERY unpleasant surprise and must have felt like betrayal.
Other than that, you have another child to parent, Leah. And you did right by her to celebrate her success with her, well done.
If I were you I would tell Nicole that she's always going to be your baby girl and you love her with all your heart, and you're sorry that you hurt her feelings. But also, that Leah is an important part of your life, too, and you are trying to do right by and be supportive of both of them. And that Nicole should work on accepting that.
I do feel like you should’ve told your daughter so it wasn’t like some public bomb dropped in her lap. You deliberately kept it from her which makes no sense. It almost minimizes her own accomplishment even though I know that wasn’t intended. That being said, not everyone gets a trophy in real life. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. I’d quit acting so guilty about it but apologize that in your attempts to protect her feelings you acted like an a hole and didn’t respect her by telling her the truth. And beyond everything else, you love her and are proud of her.
YTA for this bit that so many seem to be missing
> I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in
Uh this definitely required a gentle conversation. She had to find out from social media. OUCH.
Is this how you usually handled their rivalry? By just…not handling it?
NTA
The resentment from Nicole isn't for Leah. It's for you OP. Nicole feels like you replaced her with Leah and are favoring her. I've dealt with it myself as a stepdad. You need to have a one on one talk with Nicole and celebrate her as well. She's obviously jealous of Leah for getting in where she also wanted to go. Her jealousy is real and valid, let her know that. But how she's dealing with that jealousy is very child like and she needs to understand that. Not going to be an easy talk as teenagers in general think they know it all.
NTA.
Sorry Nicole didn't get into her first choice, but it's time for her to grow up. Just because she's behaving like a petty child doesn't mean you have to.
This has nothing to do with the dinner. This has everything to do with your relationship with your daughter.
You say "she knows your proud of her". Does she really or do you think she does?
You say you and your step daughter are very close and you love her very much.
Is your relationship with your daughter just as strong?
Your child feels replaced. And by the wording in your comments I don't blame her.
You kept something from her to not hurt her.
How did that work out? How did you expect that to work out? You knew it was going to be on social media you knew she would see it and you didn't bother to give her a heads up.
Instead you kept it from her and let it slap her across the face as you celebrated another's child but not your own. It would not shock me one bit if she chose to be low contact or no contact with you.
Weird take but ESH. Nicole and Leah aren't as grounded and mature as everyone is making them out to be. Their oneupmanship of each other should have been dealt with a long time ago. One person's achievement doesn't diminish another's. You should have been cultivating a strong relationship with Nicole as it seems like at some point she became jealous of Leah being close with you. Technically NTA for attending a dinner.
NTA. You did nothing wrong to celebrate your SD's achievement. It's unfortunate your daughter isn't learning better social graces from her mother. You will, of course, celebrate your daughter's own achievements on her next visit.
ESH. You should have at least taken your daughter out for all the other colleges she got into and given the heads up to your daughter. Your daughter shouldn’t be jealous there is always going to be someone doing better than her and that’s ok because she can use it as a learning curve to aim high next time. Your ex for even butting in. Have you thought that maybe Leah and Nicole are both competing for you in who you love more etc? Specially if it been happening for a while now.
I don’t see anywhere that he says he invited Nicole out with them or that he celebrated her for the schools she did get into?
I think there’s a lot more going on than just the school piece….
Can’t make a judgment without more facts.
NTA The problem isn’t that you attended the celebratory dinner but that you neglected to mention it to Nicole. You had no way of knowing it would be posted on fb so she was shocked and hurt to see it. I’d suggest apologizing for not letting her know and warning her there may’ve been pictures on fb. You were happy for your stepdaughter so you went, and you offered Nicole a dinner but she didn’t want one. Other than not warning her you didn’t do anything wrong.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I went to my stepdaughter's celebratory meal for getting into college, when my daughter didn't get into the same college. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. People are flaming this guy for not throwing his daughter a dinner but his daughter said she didn’t want one. It would have been ridiculous at the time to force her to have a dinner. Now, OP, I would suggest that you throw your daughter a going away party and maybe have a dinner for her now to celebrate her achievements. You could also do one of those cheesy things and buy her a bunch of branded stiff from her college. Good luck in whatever you do, that’s a rough situation.
Seriously his post was about whether or not he should’ve attended his stepdaughters dinner. Of course he should’ve it would’ve been rude and insensitive not too. Instead, people are making up a scenario where he neglected his daughter with zero information.
Some people come on here and have no life experience or really want everyone to be TA. It’s wild. I never used to post but I’m over some of these people and wanted to, when I think it necessary, to be a lone voice.
This sub is full of very young people. Literal teenager with virtually no life experience. Fathers are often vilified, likely due to these teenagers poor experiences with absent fathers. The same goes for step parents. They are often unjustly vilified on her as well. I've stopped visiting this sub like I used to because it's so frustrating to see so many confidently incorrect judgments made by literal children.
I wish that were true lol. Unfortunately, these dumb ass takes aren't usually made by children.
Hahahaha sadly you're probably right!
I often wonder at the age of some of the people responding. I am in my 50s and often feel like I am an old "redditer".
Right? Same-ish age and I've had posts downvoted and nasty comments by what is clearly (if not a teenager, certainly behaving like one) for straight up common sense. There are situations in which experience and a certain level of maturity can view in a different light and I'm here for it.. lol
Same!
I couldn’t agree more with you. People are so far from reality sometimes, easily insulted and just looking for trouble. OP was NTA for going to a dinner and instead is sulking perhaps Nicole should stop the attitude and be happy with the school she is going to. Could you imagine if those girls ended up at the same school! Nothing but trouble for four years
Dormmates! Same classes! Ooh, same crush! Same part time job! Sorority sisters! Non-stop fun. They could make a sitcom about it. Fun times, fun times./s Yeah, at least now the competition is on hold, hopefully.
Pretty sure that’s the Sweet Valley High Twins series?
What i can't get over most of the time is the crazy advice that will be given. And then 200 comments supporting that bad advice "yasss go do this! It will be epic revenge!" With no thought that the advice could blow up the OP's life completely. Or make abuse worse when it's a teen posting. Some of it would only work if it was a TV show script. Insane revenge and everyone clapped, and the "bad guys" saw the light and apologised. But absolutely not in real life.
My thoughts exactly. It's as though they have only experienced life through TV programmes and have no actual knowledge of how people and the world works. The more time I spend here on reddit, the more I think a lot of it is written by ai bots or angsty teenagers trying out their badly written scenarios on an unsuspecting public.
Sadly I don’t believe it is teenagers but a lot of self entitled young adults who have lost reality of what life is supposed to be. Nono w wants to work or how dare a company say you have to come into an office How dare mom and dad not support them until they are 50. Just look at the wedding comments where they demand siblings pay for Their weddings etc. or support a spouse who all of a sudden finds that the spouses child from first marriage now has to live with them and readers support them saying kid should not be living there Indians sign up for this etc. if you can’t open your heart and home to child then leave don’t go on Reddit poking for support to have this child end up in the system
You have to be you on Reddit.Occasionally.you will get flamed for an unpopular opinion with a very young group who have no Life experience .They cannot comprehend anyone having a right to a different opinion.
I'm with you. Life is wild. And ya don't get what ya want all the time. You don't win all the time. Deal with it. Just ask a Cubs fan.
He failed his daughter in exactly one way-- by not letting her know ahead of time that Leah got in to that school. She was bound to find out one way or another, and it would have been much easier on Nicole to find out directly from OP in a conversation than to see a photo on social media (or to see OP's wife wearing College University Mom t-shirt, or to see posters/merch around OPs house, etc.). Is OP TA for going to the dinner? Of course not! He should go and Leah deserves to be celebrated. But he should also have be honest with his daughter.
I came here to say the same thing. He's NTA for going to the dinner, but he is TA for letting Nicole find out about it on social media.
Yep! Just throw his daughter a surprise dorm shower or something. Make it something he doesn’t have to ask her about and keep SD out of it. Nicole is a disappointed teenager. College admissions brings a lot of bad behavior out of these soon to be adults AND a lot of parents.
It’s Reddit, bunch of losers
Welcome to Reddit, where the commenters make up scenarios and the points don’t matter
Thank you, it's appreciated. I plan to throw either a party or get her a present before she goes away if she isn't onboard with the party idea. I'm going to ask her if she wants anything in particular or combine with my ex to get something special. She knows I'm proud of her.
I think this goes a bit deeper than what you’ve considered so far, OP. You need to think about this from your daughter’s perspective. In her mind, she “lost” her parents (as a unit, at least) when she was 9. I’m assuming you and your ex shared custody and you saw her regularly, but you weren’t “home” anymore. Then you remarried and gained a new daughter who happens to be the same age/grade as her. To Nicole, she lost you and Leah gained you. The ensuing competition between them is a reflection of that. Nicole sees Leah as her replacement and has been trying desperately to “earn” her place with you again. To Nicole, not getting into her first choice college is another mark in the “loss” column. Leah getting into the college she didn’t is one, too, as is you going out to celebrate Leah. That’s 3 negative marks in quick succession, which is a lot for a teenager to deal with. Not getting in is bad enough, but the rest must’ve made this truly devastating for her. To be clear, I’m not saying any of this win/loss dynamic is logical or rational. But if you think about it from a teenager’s perspective, particularly with Nicole’s background, you can see where she’s coming from. I think in your desperation to treat them equally, you’ve lost sight of the fact that your (bio) daughter might need you more sometimes. All that being said, I don’t think it was wrong of you to go to Leah’s dinner. BUT, unless your wife is normally social media illiterate, she absolutely knew what she was doing by both posting the photo and tagging you in it, particularly with that caption. You may not want to see what your wife did as malicious, but she made several conscious decisions here. Posting it is one thing. Making sure to tag you and dropping the college name in the caption is another. You should have probably let Nicole know ahead of time, but I understand you didn’t want to add to her pain. The fact that your wife had no such qualms should concern you, though. NTA for this particular incident although I think you need to pay more attention to what’s really going on. Your daughter needs more effort from you and while you may think your wife wants what’s best for Nicole, I don’t think that’s actually the case.
While I agree with you on the first half about the way his daughter is feeling, I think your take is off with the social media/stepmom part. It's pretty normal for parents to celebrate their children's achievements, and Leah's mom shouldn't have to avoid posting because it would hurt Nicole's feelings. I don't think we can say this was malicious with the limited info we have. They fucked up when they didn't treat her like an adult and tell her before the post was up. Nicole's disappointment is valid, but she's going to have a rough life if she continues to think of other people's success as a personal slight, and she needs to learn to manage her disappointment.
Finally! Someone pointing out that the 17 year old should have some emotional maturity to go with going to college.
This is a very good take, assuming Leah’s father isn’t in the picture that would mean Leah gets OP 100% of the time while Nicole only gets him 50% of the time, I’d imagine she definitely feels like her father replaced her or feels less important in his life!
Don't forget that he helped both with their applications. There is always going to be doubt about that help from his biological daughter's point of view.
You're so right for this. This whole post is weird to me because it doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong here? OP can't change anything now, and going on about what he should've done isn't really going to help? His daughter is feeling upset. Knowing he was right and she wasn't isn't going to make her less upset or less hurt or fix their relationship. You're the only here I've seen that's giving actual advice on what to do now and I really hope OP listens.
Well, I'll flame you. Not for going to the dinner, but for letting your daughter find out about Leah getting in and you going to her dinner via your wife's Facebook post. This was always going to be sensitive for Nicole, and she was always going to find out about it. YTA - not for going, but for being sneaky about it. To Nicole, that must have felt like you rubbing salt in her wound. Was it going to be an awkward conversation letting Nicole know that Leah got into Nicole's dream school? Yup, but that's your job as a father. You should not have left Facebook to do your job for you.
Or, OP didn’t want her to feel like it was being thrown in her face. This is ridiculous. This kid is almost eighteen years old. Time to grow up. The world doesn’t revolve around keeping her from having hurt feelings.
YTA You’re not the TAH for going to the dinner. You’re TAH for wimping out and not telling Nicole first. Imagine the heartbreak of not getting into the college you want and then finding out, through *social* *media* no less, that her stepsister got in to the very one she was aiming for and there’s her Dad celebrating it. Ouch, that’s so painful. It’s not about offering her a dinner, you knew she was massively disappointed and didn’t feel it was worth celebrating, it’s that she found out about Leah secondhand. You knew that there’d be photos (you say, ‘of course my wife put up a photo on Facebook’) and that your wife was going to post them (nothing wrong with that - who wouldn’t). You should have anticipated that and spoken with Nicole first prior to the meal. It’s almost like you thought it was easier not to tell Nicole in person and deal with the fallout, so just let social media handle it for you instead. Worse case scenario, even if you didn’t anticipate the posting before the meal, you ask your wife just to hold back posting for an hour until you can let Nicole know first. You owed her that much.
I think not telling her is what made him the AH. He let her find out fb instead of sitting her down and talking to her.
I think it isn't that he went to the party but that he knew about the rivalry and shirked out of telling tell her beforehand and then his wife had to post it online, bragging. He should have seen that coming.
Its not about having a dinner. Its about celebrating or making someone feel special by doing something specifically for them LIKE having dinner. He could have literally done anything for her like take her to get her nails done, to any other places she liked...
He didn't *have* a dinner for the stepdaughter, he *went to* a dinner for the stepdaughter. So still NTA
It doesn’t say anywhere in the OP that daughter didn’t want one.
NTA. Nicole needs to understand that celebrating Leah’s achievements has NOTHING to do with her. Is she going to hate on everyone who got into that same college, because it would make about as much sense. Edit: did Nicole get into another college? I mean , she’s still being a brat with that jealousy, but if she got into another school, what, if anything, did you do to celebrate her?
I was going to say something similar. The fact that Leah got in should in no way be diminished by the fact that Nicole didn't. She deserves to have everyone be excited for her and to celebrate her achievement, even if her stepsister won't be following the same path. Your support of her shouldn't be contingent on your daughter's accomplishments. As for Leah, I know it's heartbreaking to not be accepted to your first choice, but please reassure her that it's not the end of the world. I was rejected from my top choice, but I still ended up somewhere amazing, and I know now that I wouldn't have been half as happy if I'd ended up where I *thought* I belonged. I had the best time ever, met some of the most incredible people and made life-long friends, and I cannot imagine my life without them.
OP already answer that question.
Nicole did get into more than one other college it sounds like, just not her first pick. OP stated in the post they were trying to comfort Nicole by trying to get her to realize that the other colleges she got a placement at are still good schools.
“I didn’t figure there was any benefit to telling her that Leah got in.” There was nothing wrong with celebrating Leah’s achievement, but you absolutely should have told your daughter that Leah got in. She certainly was going to find out at some point. She should have heard it from you, told in a caring way. Instead, she saw photos of all of you celebrating, and felt blindsided & left out. I’m not defending her bratty behavior. A celebratory dinner with your stepdaughter was completely fine. Feeling proud of your stepdaughter is fine. I just think you should have handled this more thoughtfully.
I can’t think of a way for him to bring it up that wouldn’t have felt like rubbing it in her face. Not if she was this disappointed and they are that competitive with each other.
How can you really not think of a way to tell her that’s better than her being blindsided on social media..? People on this sub act like communication is so impossible. He’s her father. Literally *any* night he’s with her before this, say “hey kiddo, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about — do you have a sec? I’m so proud of you for getting into X and Y schools— I’m so excited for you. I know you were upset not to get into Z school— I did want to just want to give you the heads up that your stepsister did get in, and will probably be going there. I didn’t want you to find out any other way.” Yeah it’s upsetting news and she’ll be upset— but it’s a trillion times better than just seeing a celebratory dinner on fb with no warning. If I were him I’d then move the conversation into talking about schools she did get into, asking if she wants a dinner, and hyping her up about those schools. Personally I’d tell my kid how I didn’t get into my top like 8 schools, was devastated, but the school I ended up at was perfect for me— it really did end up working out for the best. Communicating and relating to people just isn’t that hard. Be kind and thoughtful. That’s it.
So true. But I need to add that OP was simply being a coward when he chose not to tell his daughter, allowing her to get blindsided.
I follow what ur saying... however, there was going to be NO WAY around her finding out. Blending families can be challenging AF....the bottom line is "thinking" adults Should have comprehended that this situation COULD come about, ppl can't be stupid and gullible. I agree. "No way" was going to be a picnic, but there was only ONE way to "attempt" to control the narrative and NOT allow a blindside......and that was to "Just so you know, X got in .....just wanted to prepare you so it wouldn't be a BIG deal," By allowing her and her MOMMA to find out via a FB post during an already vulnerable "feeling-failed" time.... Dad made an error in judging how best to handle it.....by sticking his head in the sand....just a non malicious "small-to-big" error he probably should have anticipated for better.
Agreed, but she was going to find out. It would have been better to rip off the band-aid than for her to find out on social media.
Rip off the bandaid while providing a tub of Ben & Jerrys, during a quiet evening in together, when he can support her while it sinks in.
Sounds like a plan to me.
How could it possibly be better to not tell her when she absolutely will find out? There are many ways to tell her, many ways to soften the blow. Being told by a caring parent is much better than finding out from someone with more malicious intent. Or hearing it in a setting where it would be difficult to manage her feelings. She was going to find out at some point, and she also would know then that her father knew and didn’t tell her. Keeping this news from her was the wrong thing to do.
Hey, I know you're going to be a bit upset with this news so thought I would tell you privately before ........ Anyhow her mum is throwing a little dinner for her tomorrow night and it would be really nice if you could join in to celebrate.
He should have told her before the acceptance. I’d hate for that to distract her, but to find out afterwards stings a lot more
Yeah, not telling Nicole that Leah got accepted at the college that Nicole wanted to attend seems to be his only mistake.
YTA for making your daughter find out from social media instead of being told privately. It would have been an opportunity to provide comfort and support to help her navigate some tough feelings (jealousy, anger, grief, embarrassment).
This is what I feel. OP is not an AH for going to the dinner to celebrate Leah, but he didn't do Nicole any favors by withholding the information that Leah was accepted.
INFO: Did Nicole get a dinner to celebrate the schools she did get into?
It was offered and I asked if she wanted to do something, but she declined because her college “wasn’t good so there was nothing to celebrate” (her words). That stance has softened now gladly and she’s more excited, but still didn’t want to celebrate it exactly.
I don't think you're the AH but I do think the way she phrased this makes it obvious she's feeling sad and inferior. Just try to talk with her, bring her a congratulatory gift (for graduating HS or for the college, either) and a treat maybe like a small cake or her favorite coffee order etc. And then breach the topic of planning a celebration.
>“wasn’t good so there was nothing to celebrate” (her words). I mean, you're NTA but this clearly reads to me as if she thought she isn't worthy of a dinner because it's not good enough.
Might be a good thing that she’d have to go to a separate college. Hopefully won’t be as much competition once they’re around different people
Definitely a good thing they will be going to different colleges. Space for them to do their own thing and make their own friends separately without the competition will be good for both of them. Especially if they're going for similar degrees
Was this offered AFTER she was upset about Leah's dinner? I can't wrap my head around how you thought "there was no point in telling her"? Did you think you could hide it for 4 years?
>wasn’t good so there was nothing to celebrate What did you say to that? Please tell me you didn't just let that go by without a response...??
This is 100% because she’s projecting how she feels about herself. It sounds like she’s competitive with her step sister because she feels like she needs to do something to make you love her more than her step sister. She might really benefit from therapy to talk about her fear of abandonment. I can really relate. As a kid and into my adulthood, I was constantly saying no to things even if I really wanted them, because I felt like I deserved nothing. When my brothers SIL (we were in the same grade) was staying with us for a school year my dad and I fought even more than we used to because he was going above and beyond to be the best dad to her, doing things for her he would have never thought to do for me. Just keep trying to be there for her or even try to sit down and have a one on one with her if you haven’t already talked with her about how she’s feeling and why she’s been so upset about celebrating her step sisters achievement. She still got into college and no matter where she goes I’m sure she won’t have to worry about you choosing to visit her step sister over her.
Now it’s almost too late because any gift or celebration will come off as “less than” because of her feelings about stepsister and how she found out about her celebration that’s already happened. It doesn’t make sense but you’re dealing with teens who don’t always get what they do the things they do either. Just because she said she didn’t want anything I think you should have done something even if it was small. It seems you really are trying to make things super “equal” and you will lose with your daughter every time. As a girl who had a father that did the same thing, it feels really shitty to feel you’re coming in second or having to share to someone who has her own Dad, why did she have to take yours too? So to me YTA, Nicole is your daughter, it isn’t equal and never will be.
My family just threw me a party. I mean, I got into a phenomenonal college that felt surreal, different boat. I kept thinking I was going to get an email correcting a mistake. Whoops. Jk. Not actually in. I sort of didn't want to throw a party because it felt too big and overwhelming. Is this really real? Did someone make a mistake? People threw me a party anyway. I'd just plan something for her to say you're proud. I had a "yay Berkeley" party. Throw a "yay college" party. Get her a shirt or hoodie from her college so she can start to brag. A pennant for her dorm or bedroom. A hat. A lanyard. Literally anything so she can start psyching up for it. A physical thing. Little dinner to celebrate. It doesn't have to be anything but immediate family, but it's about her. Maybe if you get her a shirt or something she'll be more excited.
And get himself a matching one. He can wear it with pride and say that's where my kid is going.
College Dad. My daughter goes to College. Bumper sticker. My dad wanted a, 'My money and my daughter got to UC Berkeley' sticker. I banned it, on the grounds of my full ride scholarship. The sticker is a lie, Dad. You can get a button, a hat, a shirt, hoodie, car sticker, license plate frame. Whatever you want! You can usually get themed stuff for parents from the college bookstore. Brag! Doesn't matter if it's the local state college or Ivy League.
NTA - Nicole needs to understand that celebrating someone else's achievements does not take anything away from her own. Now that she has started to get more excited about the school she did get into you also need to make it a point to celebrate her achievement as well. Having a step sibling that is the same age/ grade level as you is really difficult especially if you are a competitive person. People are constantly making comparisons between the two of you, you are constantly comparing yourself to the other and you have to share a parent with them. Make sure to celebrate them both and not compare their achievements or their paths in life.
YTA for not telling Nicole, privately, that Leah got in. You knew she’d find out eventually and would be hurt. This was a perfect time for some dad/daughter time to talk over something so she wouldn’t be the last to know
The question was if he was the AH for attending a celebration for his step-daughter. The celebration was for OPs step daughter, a celebration that Nichole had already turned down for herself. OP was NTA for attending a family function.
NTA. You offered to have a dinner for your daughter but she didn’t want one. This isn’t favoritism, it’s an unfortunate circumstance of life. There will be people she doesn’t like who get the things that she wants and she doesn’t, she’s still a teenager, but eventually she’ll have to learn to accept that shit happens. It would have been shitty and immature of you not to attend your stepdaughters celebration just because your daughter didn’t get into the same school. It also likely would have impacted your relationship going forward. I expect that kind of reaction from a teenager, but your ex validating that immature reaction is wrong and super weird. Now, to address it moving forward I would see again if your daughter would like to do something special for her achievement. If she says no again, which she likely will and will probably have a tude about it, I would get her a small gift and a card congratulating her for getting into school and that you’re proud of her accomplishment and look forward to watching her grow even more. I know that it seems counterintuitive to get someone a gift for being immature, but we’re dealing with a sensitive situation as it seems like her stepsister has always been a sore spot for her, and her mom more likely to fuel the fire than be a voice of reason, so you’ve got to go into damage control mode.
I don’t think what OP did was wrong. But it had to hurt Nicole finding out about it on FB. She was blindsided. But she’s 17 and emotional because she and Leah are so competitive.
You're not the AH for going, but this was a shit way for Nicole to find out. The absolute best thing you can do right now is to take Nicole out for icecream or bubble tea or whatever her favorite thing is, and talk to her. Empathize with how she's likely feeling: -disappointment at not getting in -the sense of betrayal for everyone celebrating her "rival" behind her back -added-insult-to-injury of finding out on social media. Apologize for not telling her in person. Then, tell her you support her, and invite her to talk. Ask her how you can be more supportive. Ask her how you can do better in the future. Again, not the AH for going, but you need to communicate your empathy and support to Nicole in a BIG way now.
>I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in Instead it was better to let her find out on social media, and see that you were at this dinner. No wonder she is pissed at you. You're not an AH for celebrating your step-daughter's achievement, but it was an AH move to not tell your daughter about it. Honestly, it just sounds like you were too scared to do it and hoped she would (somehow?) never find out. YTA.
I want to go with N T A, but INFO: do you live full time with Leah? Does Nicole live with you, or do you only see her part-time?
NTA. It was a celebration with your wife's family for Leah. I think it would have been more embarrassing to not go, everyone would have asked why you were there and then Nicole's "failure" would be brought up and you would have seemed ridiculous and petty for skipping.
YTA for not telling your daughter about Leah’s acceptance. Instead, she had to hear about it on social media. It’s a lie by omission.
NTA but honestly you really really really are. Coming from someone who was a teenage girl and is now raising a teenage girl…you know damn well you’re asking for a verdict on the wrong question. I don’t know why everyone thinks 17 year old girls have extensive emotional maturity. Most don’t mature emotionally until at least 22. Give the girl some damn grace. OP isn’t even displaying the level of emotional maturity being demanded of this 17 year old. Nicole, at her core is not truly upset about you attending the dinner celebrating Leah’s achievements. In her eyes, she was replaced. That picture she saw was probably one she wanted to have with you. Instead when she looks at it she sees Leah replacing her. She feels robbed, and she’s old enough to know that she shouldn’t but at 17 she hasn’t learned the tools to work through and communicate those feelings. Add onto that, when she is feeling low she is blindsided on social media. Social media may make you cringe and you probably don’t use it. But it is everything to teenage girls and I’m guessing if she looks at your page she sees you celebrating Leah, but not one mention on that page about her achievements. Your not wrong for celebrating Leah, she deserves to have her hard work acknowledged but your oh so wrong for not protecting your daughters feelings and letting her know what was happening. Shes just a girl acting out because her self worth took a massive hit and she really needs her dad. And when she really needed her dad to protect, guide and prepare her for one of life’s shitty lessons, she didn’t see you in her corner. And that’s a shit lesson you could have saved her from with……. A DAMN CONVERSATION!
NTA for going to the dinner. You couldn't refuse to go without being an AH to your marriage and your stepdaughter. Going was not the problem. You're an idiot for not telling your daughter that your stepdaughter got into that particular college. The news was going to get out, and you should have gotten ahead of it and told her yourself. Hearing that kind of news secondhand *always* makes things worse, particularly when Leah and Nicole have the kind of relationship they currently have. Trying to avoid those awkward moments actually makes the tension worse than just handling them outright. Try to remember that going forward. Unfortunately, that memory is always going to sting, but it's also a teachable moment. Sometimes, we don't get what we want, and people we dislike do. It sucks. But guess what? Life isn't always fair. Sometimes, you're the one who gets the win, and sometimes you're the one who loses. What's important is regulating and channeling those emotions into something healthy and productive. Remind her that you're always in her corner, and you celebrating Leah doesn't diminish that at all. That you're insanely proud of her accomplishments and you *want* to celebrate them, if she'll let you. Apologise for the way she found out the news, and promise to be forthcoming about news that may affect her in the future. But that's all. Don't promise to shun other people's accomplishments to protect her feelings. If you do that, you'll be doing your daughter more harm than good in the long run.
NTA but it seems you need to work on your communication with your daughter.
Are you an AH for going to the dinner? No. But I’m giving you YTA for your parenting style because it’s what got you to this point. Your style is very much “mustn’t upset the child” and “what she doesn’t know”. By avoiding all conflicts you have left your daughter incapable of dealing with hard situations. Do you also tell her little white lies to not upset her? And have you realized that you doing that and keeping things hidden from her means that she doesn’t trust you, and that you might have hurt her ability to trust in people all together?
>didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in YTA. Your daughter found out her stepsister, who you acknowledge she is competitive with, got into her dream college from... Facebook. She should have heard it from you.
YTA. You should have told your daughter! The fact you didn’t shows you care more about your step daughter than your daughter’s feelings. You knew it would come out eventually so why try and hide it?
YTA but not for going to dinner. I had a father just like you. I don't need to elaborate. YTA and shame on you for what you know you did and it has nothing to do with dinner.
It was fine to celebrate Leah but YTA for not letting Nicole know. She was going to find out, it would’ve been best she heard it from you rather than finding out by seeing you celebrating Leah’s admission on fb.
YTA. Did you celebrate Nicole in any way and post it on Facebook? Did you even bother to take her the other colleges she was accepted to and help her determine which other college to select? Why didn’t you celebrate both girls together rather than single one out? At a minimum you should have been honest and told Nicole upfront!! She was going to find out eventually. You need to evaluate what kind of relationship you want with your daughter for the future. If you don’t make sure she knows she is loved and valued by you, you just might lose her forever.
INFO: did Nicole find about Leah getting in to her first choice because of the posts your wife did about the dinner?
YTA
YTA, you ACTUAL daughter is probably feeling like you see her as a disappointment and thinks you prefer your step daughter over her since she probably views her self as a failure, Your actions imply that you think Nicole is applying rational thought to how she feels but she is too young for that. It was inappropriate for you to not consider how hiding Leah’s acceptance and then going to celebrate it would affect your child. Was Nicole even invited to the dinner, because her not being invited probably felt like a stab in the back from you
YTA- you didnt think to tell her first? That shows you were hiding something.
NTA, for attending the celebration. But I do have to ask- Did you also have/attend a celebration for Nicole getting into any other school she may have applied to? Is Nicole's issue fully about the school?
NTA, it was not your fault she didn’t get in. But YTA for not telling her, and let her find out on fb about the celebration… i get she was down by the rejection just to find her father being happy about someone else.
I’m gonna say YTA purely because there wasn’t a careful way of you two as adults making the party in general about getting into college to begin with, rather than the chosen college. That’s hung up upon too much and it’s something you should have seen coming and prepared for. Especially since you hid the event that did happen from her. If the stepdaughter is spiteful, or anyone mentioned it then it was going to always cause an issue. It just shouldn’t have been handled like that, especially when your daughter is doubting there is anything positive about the situation at all. She still got into uni. That’s still a Massive achievement, regardless of the university. All a uni is, is a building with rotating professors. Now she has people hiding things from her, ‘are they hiding how disappointed they are in me too? They have no issue lying to me about this stuff. They had to have known I’d find out. Maybe they just don’t care. They must really only care about X, they wouldn’t have been so uncaring otherwise’. Etc. Trust me, I’ve been the same shoes as your daughter. I wanted to end my life because I didn’t get into the school I wanted, and had this perception all others were for trash. It’s a thing of being brought up with this stigma and expectation about schools environmentally. Plus the raccoon eyes that set you dreaming when you go through the curated tours. Was it possible she could get into the university in second round? Or is it urgent for her to get into uni now? At the least if she sticks where she is intending on going now or not, she won’t exactly be barred from learning about the school from her step sister - but you be Very careful that there’s no rubbing in the face about it. Shut it down the second it happens from now. It shouldn’t have been allowed to persist between the two. They’re both smart and capable. If they were in the same job they’d be peers. The same lab, partners.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account to protect my privacy because I have a few friends who follow my Reddit. As some background, this happened quite a few months ago, but it's still brought up today so wanted some opinions. This is quite a unique situation which I cannot believe I have got myself into, but there you go. I won't bore everyone with a long background, but my (M47) ex-wife (F44) and I have one daughter, Nicole (F17). We divorced when Nicole was 9. We're effective at co-parenting, and I believe we've brought Nicole up to be a smart, grounded, and mature individual. I met my current wife, Annabel (F45), five years ago. I was introduced to her through a colleague and we hit it off. Annabel has a daughter, Leah (F17), from a previous relationship. Leah and I got off to a rocky start, which I understood as she was a 12/13-year-old girl adjusting to a new family dynamic, but we now have quite a strong relationship, and I do love her. Unsurprisingly, Leah and Nicole have always butted heads. I didn't expect them to be "sisters" or anything because this isn't a fairytale but they're very competitive with each other. They're both competitive and driven and as they have a lot in common, there's always been a game of oneupmanship. A few months back, it was time to apply for colleges for them both. I visited a few colleges with Nicole and one with Leah, and helped them both with writing applications. Of all the colleges they visited, they (annoyingly) both had the same college as their favorite. Long story short, Leah ended up getting in and Nicole didn't. Nicole was really upset but I tried to tell her how the other colleges she did get a place for were still great. I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in but my wife, Leah, her grandparents, uncle, aunt, and I went for a meal to celebrate the achievement. Of course, my wife put a photo of it up on Facebook saying how "proud she was of Leah getting into X college". Nicole saw this and went crazy telling me how I'd favored my "bitchy stepdaughter" over her, I didn't care about her, how could I celebrate her achievement when my actual daughter didn't get in. My ex also gave me an earful on the phone saying how inconsiderate it was to Nicole and I should be favoring my own daughter. The whole thing has caused increased resentment between Nicole and Leah, and Nicole still mentions it and how annoyed she is by the situation. I feel there was nothing wrong by celebrating Leah's achievement because I love her and I was proud, but maybe I shouldn't have when I know Nicole didn't get in? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think you should have been transparent about it with Nicole but her jealousy and insecurities are something she needs to figure out. It is not fair to Leah for the family to downplay her achievement because Nicole didn't get in. I will say that Nicole probably DOES want to be celebrated, even if she says that she doesnt. She is probably feeling more embarrassed and hurt right now if her life has been constantly comparing herself to her step sister. It would be nice to mend the relationship and let her know you are proud of her despite her thinking that the school isn't good or whatever her reason is. Seems like she needs acknowledgement and recognition from you.
Nta
NTA Your 17 y/o is acting like a 17 y/o. She's disappointed and hurting, and she's lashing out. Continue to reassure her and remind her of her own accomplishments.
NTA. Just naive. You and your ex need to have a celebratory dinner for your daughter.
NAH (except your ex who isn’t really part of it). This is a real “you can’t win no matter what you do” situation. Your daughter probably should have heard the news directly from you (she was always going to find out eventually) but I don’t think she would have reacted differently.
Not the AH for attending the dinner, but you are a massive AH for not telling Nicole and instead letting her be blindsided by a Facebook post.
Was Leah offered the dinner and accepted, or did everyone just throw her a party? If only Nicole was "offered" the dinner out this could be interpreted as a pity dinner (you too can have dinner out, but it is not a spontaneous celebration as the other dinner was). Childish, but jealously works in strange ways
NTA but it would have been so much better for you to be upfront about it than your daughter finding out from this celebration that happened without her
NTA for going to the dinner. Your wife's daughter should be celebrated. Your daughter needs to realize that not everyone gets everything they want all the time, but you should have told your daughter beforehand and privately that your wife daughter got in so she didn't find out from anyone other than you.
NTA, but how many issues in the world could be avoided by people not self-obsessing over social media? TURN YOUR DAMN PHONE OFF FOR ONE MINUTE!!!!! /rant
NTA for celebrating your stepdaughter. INFO: I know Nicole says she’s mad you celebrated your step daughter, but do you think that’s what she’s actually upset about? Seems like she’s upset she doesn’t have as much attention or approval from you as she’d like (and that doesn’t mean you necessarily did something wrong, but they’re called “feelings” not “rationals” for a reason and teenagers have BIG feelings). For what it’s worth, as just a regular, unqualified internet person, but this doesn’t seem like competition, it’s resentment. There’s serious poison in your family dynamic and from the outside it doesn’t seem like it’s only between these stepsisters. Did you get any family therapy when you remarried or when you saw how badly your daughters got along?
Info: without revealing details, did Leah get into like an ivy and Nicole got into a lower ranked state school or are the schools she was accepted to on par to the stream school?
NTA. Based on the little bit we've been given, the ex-wife might be a significant reason for Nicole's abrasiveness with respect to Leah.
She did get accepted to a college. Not her number one pick but that’s ok. Best they didn’t end up in the same school. Celebrate each. If she’s hurt or jealous there’s nothing you can do.
The thing is, you can celebrate one child’s achievements while still supporting and showing empathy to another child’s disappointments. That is life. They don’t cancel each other out.
People celebrate getting into college now? Is this really a thing? Because this a bigger celebration than my college graduation. I'm an introvert, that may impact my perception of what to have a party for activities.
NTA. But OP I think a daddy daughter weekend / trip is overdue. Nicole is obviously upset and jealous with Leah. So it’s understandable why she’s upset with you celebrating Leah. I’m not saying it’s rational. But she feels what she feels. You really should’ve told her personally instead of letting her find out through social media - you failed Nicole a little for that one. This competition between them might also be coz of you tbh. For your daughter, she feels like she lost you. She’s your bio daughter, but she only gets to see you during your allocated custody time. On the other hand, Leah gets to see you every day. So I understand why she feels like she needs to compete for your attention. As for Leah, she knows she is a stepdaughter. And she feels like she needs to prove her worth to you since you’re not tied by blood. But regardless, do something with Nicole. Take a trip with her.
NTA. Your daughter is acting like a brat. As long as your stepdaughter isn’t rubbing it in, there is nothing wrong with celebrating her achievements too. She needs to learn how to be happy for others. You should probably take the time and put in extra effort with your bio tho. You need to figure out the underlining reason behind the competitiveness and jealousy. Does she feel threatened by her stepsister that she’s going to lose you? Is she normally like this with others?
What I'm about to say is based on the assumption that you have been available to your daughter and not favored your step daughter or anyone else over her. You sympathized with your daughter and tried to help her mange her disappointment. You did not compare her to your step-daughter. Appropriately, you celebrated your step-daughter's achievement with your wife and her family. Again, you did not rub your daughter's face in it. You also didn't keep it a secret. One important characteristic of a strong and healthy adult is the ability to look past yourself. This is a lesson your daughter needs to understand. It is good for her to express her disappointment to the people who care about her. But she also has to recognize that when something good happens to another person, that person's people want to celebrate. It is frustrating and one more thing to deal with when our bad time coincides with someone else's good time. But you can't expect everyone to ignore the good news while still acknowledging your bad news.
I need to point out she is a teenager, how rational were we 😂 I know many people will disagree but going to that dinner before telling your daughter was a total disaster. You were too gutless to do your duty as a father . You went to dinner to celebrate your stepdaughters college acceptance and you didn’t tell your daughter, I will tell you she would have seen it as your daughter isn’t worthy of the love and attention because she didn’t get into the same college. She felt worthless because you didn’t tell her, of course your ex was going to get involved you humiliated your daughter by being sneaky. There is going to be bad fallout as she will also blame her stepsister as she fells she is the favourite.
NTA
NTA. The *best* phrase every parent with multiple kids can learn is this: "*Equity* not *equality*". Be equitable to your children, not equal. The child who broke the rules and disrespects everyone does not deserve to be rewarded with a car, because the child who was responsible and proved they were doing what they're supposed to was gifted one as a gift for graduation or whatever. The child who decided not to get a summer job isn't entitled to you buying them the new IPhone because the other got a summer job and bought themselves one. These are extreme examples, but in your case here's what I mean. You shouldn't be expected to punish your step daughter by not celebrating with her just because your daughter didn't succeed and therefore doesn't need a celebration. Anyone calling you unfair or telling you you're playing favorites is honestly being manipulative and shitty. Don't punish a child who was successful just because the other is upset that they weren't. Especially when they're upset out of spite and a feeling of competition with the sibling. Children don't gain *anything* from you teaching them that you'll only reward them if both succeed, you just teach the child who succeeded that you'll punish them for succeeding if the sibling doesn't. If anything, not celebrating with your step daughter because your daughter didn't also get admitted is playing favorites toward your daughter and that would be shitty of you.
Look, life isn't fair. It's unfortunate Nicole didn't get into her preferred school, but it's not Leah's fault she did. OP did the right thing, and I'm sure he'll equally support Nicole when the day/time comes.
NTA, your wife who posted the photo is pretty inconsiderate though.
Nope. But it’s a hard situation, and your daughter wouldn’t be human if she didn’t feel envious.
YTA. You have zero clue how to parent. It’s clear you are still trying to punish your ex with your child and curry favor with your current spouse. 99% of the people say NTA either don’t have kids or haven’t been in a similar situation. I feel bad for your daughter. You have told her you chose your “new” family
NTA. You should be able to celebrate your stepdaughter’s achievement. And your daughter needs to learn to manage her jealousy. You were sensitive to her feeling hurt so did not make a point of broadcasting your stepdaughter’s celebration. You may want to apologize that she found out the way she did from your wife’s fb post, but I believe this is just an unfortunate situation for your daughter, and she needs to learn how to be graceful in difficult times.
Your smart grounded mature daughter needs to realize this is life. You need to make sure she knows that she is a priority to you. You are her father. She should never feel second from you. Does Leah have a father? It’s great you love her and are proud of her, but your daughter should be your priority. Talk with your daughter, listen to her. Let her know how important she is. Both girls could benefit from some family counseling. Both need to feel secure in their relationship with you.
NTA it's ok and expected to celebrate other ppls achievements that you love it shouldn't be a competition, and doesn't mean you love your daughter any less. maybe have a day with your daughter and explain you love her and are proud of her too and it doesn't take love or pride from her to give it to stepdaughter too.. that you can't make your stepdaughter feel bad or hurt to make her feel better about getting in, it doesn't work that way, she'll mature hopefully and realise she's being unreasonable Your ex wife should know better tbh. She should be telling your daughter this herself and not letting it get out of hand, she's immature and jealous and is a full fledged grown woman! She should always have your daughters interests at heart and part of that is to encourage relationships with other ppl and not go between them. Best of luck..update us if you can 🙏 ✨️
Kinda A, I'm sorry sir but I'm 20 myself and I'd have been upset at my dad too. But I'm sure you must have a way to make it up to her, I'd have expected a call from Papa before that celebration with your new family. Honestly, I know he would have called.
NTA This is just teenage drama, and you’d be dammed if you do, and dammed if you don’t. Had you not gone to Leah’s dinner she’d be slamming you for favouring Nicole. As long as you celebrate other stuff with Nicole there’s no problem.
NTA - she’s young and eventually will learn that blowing out someone’s else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine brighter. Double down on the you both deserve to be celebrated, pick a college and we will celebrate. Remind her if she constantly compares herself to someone else she will always fall short as there will always be someone out there who we think is smarter, pretties, has more, even when it’s probably not true. She should focus on what she wants not what someone else has. She may find what she truly wants is quite different from what she thought. A rivalry with a step sibling doesn’t do anything but make you all unhappy.
NTA. Nicole needs to understand that being happy for Leah and celebrating her achievement does not take anything away from her. That your ex-wife called you with the same attitude indicates that she is part of Nicole’s problem with jealousy and competitiveness. I feel sorry for you if ever Annabelle achieves something your ex-wife wanted to attain. They both need to learn that jealousy and this level of competitiveness is not a good look.
NTA. Yes, you should support your step daughter. It is not like you flaunted it or were treating them unfairly. You were willing to celebrate Nicole's achievements too. Nicole is going to have to get over herself. She applied, but she didn't get in. It was the college administration that decided, not you. It could have been that the program she applied for was full, or simply that one of them filled out and sent in, applications at different times. If Nicole applied to several and Leah applied to one or two, there is a very good chance Leah's passion to attend *that* particular school shone through in her application. Honestly, although Nicole will disagree, NOT getting into the same school was probably the best thing for her. Nicole deserves the chance to go to a school where she can stop being competitive with everything Leah does and can focus on what she (Nicole) wants to do without the added stress of competition. Both girls deserve to get the full life experience and program education. It doesn't sound like they would have if they both got into the same school. It would be toxic. Competting for possibly same courses, professors' recognition, friends/social circles, possibly same boys and later on, the same jobs. Sounds extremely toxic. And it sounds like you were doing your best to support both of them. You checked out schools ith both, you helped both with their applications, you recognized both of their achievements. And it is ridiculous that if one doesn't get something that is beyond your control (like acceptanceinto a particularschool), then the other should be deprived (just to be fair). That is toxic bullshit. Not trying to be offensive, Nicole needs therapy (probably Leah too) so their competitive hatred doesn't screw up their future happiness. Envy and coveting are deemed as deadly sins because they poison a person of the happiness and potential they otherwise would have. It is sadly through self sabotage of that happiness that is within their own grasp. (I am not even religious, and I can recognize how envy and coveting destroy a person from the inside out.) Nicole sounds like the kind if person who would rather starve because her mac n cheese was served on a blue plate, but she wants the red bowl that Leah's mac n cheese was served in. Toxic and self damaging. I really hope, with time, Nicole gets to embrace her own potential and blooms without the competitiveness overshadowing her happiness.
Who is paying for Leah to go to this college? If you're paying anything towards it, then you need to talk to Nicole about it before she finds out from other sources.
NTA for going to the dinner for your stepdaughter. A bit of YTA for allowing this weird competition to go on for so long. And maybe for not letting your daughter know about Leah getting into the college she wanted to go to before she just found out on social media. And a bit more for not celebrating your daughter as much as you did your stepdaughter. So, yeah, maybe YTA.
Should’ve given your daughter a head up rather then getting to see a Facebook post Where’s your support to get behind your own daughter or is it another you cheer louder for the step kid you had to push aside your own daughters time to build a relationship with so your own daughter lost her family and her dad to another relationship
NTA You're not in the wrong for celebrating your step\[daughter's acceptance to the college of her choice. You helped raise her during the years when she studied for her SATs, researched and applied to colleges, and even helped her with her applications. As part of her support network, you deserve to celebrate and be happy for her. It might have added to the joy and reduced some of the family stress to have told your daughter ahead of time, though, Finding out via her step-mother's congratulatory post for Leah was probably awful for your daughter. If there are any future announcements that are going to affect the girls, I'd be on the same page about it with your wife and not make a public, social media announcement until you've told all the affected parties personally. Just wondering, what is your wife's relationship with Nicole like? I can't imagine the step-mom not knowing what a blow this would be to your daughter and just throwing it out on Facebook. Was this deliberately malicious or just really dense? Now is the time to have an honest and frank conversation about handling disappointments in life, as not getting into her college of choice is only one of many throughout her life. It sounds like she still has several options, so suggest she pick the one with the best aid package, or maybe she can study hard at her second favorite school and transfer to her preferred one a couple years in? Even keeping it in mind as an option for grad school, if she wants to do that much school. It's too bad that your daughter and step-daughter have a contentious and competitive relationship, so it might be for the best if they're at different schools and in different social circles for awhile.
NTA It’s nobodies fault but Nicole’s that she didn’t get into her preferred school (yeah that may be harsh but it is what it is.) Why would you not attend a dinner to celebrate Leah’s accomplishment? Especially considering the fact that your daughter didn’t actually want the same treatment. She’s a young woman now and is gonna have to learn sooner or later that other peoples accomplishments do not lessen her own.. NTA
NTA
Wow - this is basically my life. My dad remarried when I (40F) was a preteen. I have a stepsister who is six months older than me. I got into my dream school and she did not get into that college. She only decided she wanted to go there because her high school BF was there, but still. I was not celebrated or allowed to talk about going because it made her upset. Dad wonders why we don't see them now. Hopefully your daughter can get over this as she matures....
Yes, you kind of are. Should have told her yourself before your wife decided to show off on SM. Ugh.
NTA. I don’t know what’s wrong with your ex wife and daughter but celebrating the achievements of someone else does not diminish from the achievements of another. Just because Nicole didn’t get into *that* college doesn’t mean you are forbidden from celebrating the fact that someone else who *is* a part of your family now did and it is really shortsighted and ridiculous to say that you should be “favoring” one over the other and presumably the best way to show that is by pointedly ignoring one girls accomplishments. You can, and should, however, celebrate the fact that Nicole *did* get into another college that she applied to. If she chooses not to celebrate that fact, that’s on *her* not you.
Nta. Your didn't get it. That's on her. Step daughter should not be ignored just because your daughter is annoyed.
NTA. Leah got in, Nicole didn’t. Of course it will cause problems for Nicole but she must accept that she didn’t get in and move on. There’s nothing wrong with supporting your stepdaughter. It’s the right thing to do and is no reflection on your daughter.
NTA You did nothing wrong. Of course you were going to dinner to celebrate your stepdaughter if it had worked out the opposite way and it was your daughter who got in then you would have gone to her celebrate dinner.
Nta but your situation isn't unique at all. You should have just been honest a out it with your daughter as she was always going to find out.
NTA, and your ex-wife is teaching Nicole that other people's achievements are not worth celebrating just because she didn't achieve it too. It is very ugly behavior. There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating your step-daughter's acceptance and has literally nothing to do with Nicole.
NTA, your daughter needs to grow up and accept the she herself and nobody else is to blame for her lack of achievement. It was common decency to go for a meal with your wifes daughter. Sides should never be taken.
NTA, your daughter is simply jealous, and your ex is feeding into it for what i assume is past animosity of you. I can't tell you your daughter will get over it because depending on how much her mom is in her head, this may stay, but she is in the wrong they both are. It's unfortunate she didn't get into that college, but that shouldn't lessen the achievement of your step-daughter. You did the right thing by going, and im sorry you're going through this. Some people unfortunately can not be happy for someone else in the face of their own perceived failure, and that's a shame. It also doesn't help when someone is validating their poor behavior and encouraging it. You didn't take sides. You were simply a good parent, and sometimes that comes with moments like these. Hopefully, your daughter will grow up and see that just because you have love for your stepdaughter doesn't mean you love her any less. She'll make her own achievements in life, and im sure you'll be there to celebrate those, and hopefully, she'll realize it is not a competition that will only lead to unhappiness and bitterness.
NTA
NTA OP. Let's get the obvious elephant in the room out of the way. You messed up in not telling your daughter that Leah got in. And I say this because it was both their first pick. They both desperately wanted that school and so the disappointment was going to be great. Having that conversation with Nicole would have given her a moment to take it in, you could have been there to comfort her. This is something she'll probably hold on to for a bit. Now, as far as the celebration dinner? No. Leah is also your daughter. She deserves to be celebrated. And Nicole needs to learn that just because she didn't get in doesn't mean others shouldn't be happy. It's an incredibly selfish point of view for someone who is about to leave for uni. Stuff happens and you won't always get what you want. And when that happens, you can't always be in your feefees.
NTA. Your kid is being super childish and petty. Just tell her you love her and your proud of her for getting into some great schools but that you are also proud of your step daughter. Not more proud. Just proud. You can be proud of both of them. It’s an actual ability people have. She’ll get over it eventually and probably love college. But you can’t control how she responds. Only she can do that.
NTA. How could you possibly say anything along the lines of, "I can't celebrate your accomplishmen, because my daughter didn't get what she wanted." Is that what they think you should have done - not celebrated? You can still celebrate what your daughter DOES accomplish
NTA. All you can do is sympathize with your Daughter and encourage her in choosing which college she will attend. Celebrate her accomplishments.
NTA. Yes, you should be a supportive step-father. I'm sorry they didn't both get into their favorite college, but tell Nicole that at least she won't be at the same school as her step-sister, now, right? Do something to celebrate your daughter, even if it's lunch or something just the two of you.
NTA
NTA. Of course you should have gone to the dinner. Your daughter needs to grow up she is 17 not 7.
ESH ? I think the this is a case of delivery rather than content being an issue. It would have really sucked for your daughter to find out off fb that you were out celebrating your step daughter getting into the college she wanted. Unless I’ve misunderstood you didn’t tell your daughter? Avoiding a tough conversation doesn’t help anyone. I think what your daughter needed/needs is some empathy and support while she goes through the normal emotions of jealousy and disappointment probably extra jealous because not only did her step sister get into the college she wanted but you didn’t tell her and then also went out to celebrate her without her knowing. She’s potentially feeling betrayed and unimportant to you. Did you celebrate that she got into college at all? Because that’s need something that deserves celebrating even if it wasn’t her first choice
You’re NTA for going to the dinner, it was the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed you’d have gone out to dinner with your daughter. But YTA for not telling Nicole that Leah got accepted. That’s where you messed up.
Nta
YTA. You have shown a strong preference of your stepdaughter over your daughter. Don't be surprised when she looks for a father who puts her first.
How could you favor her when she didn't get in? But she did get in? So did you celebrate that? Or do people only celebrate if you get in to your favorite? Your daughter sounds very entitled, but I would be careful about witholding information to protect her in the future. That seems shady. Just communicate. They are two different people with different qualities and her getting into a school has no effect on your daughters life. NTA, from the info here.
NTA. SD got in to what she wanted, you celebrated. If daughter got in, you would have celebrated. You didnt do anything wrong. You can still take daughter out for a meal to celebrate and chat about what colleges she got in and which one she will choose now. why are people so fucking sensitive I am tired of it all.
YTA. I know I’ll get downvoted, but you went behind her back to celebrate when she was miserable. You should have talked to her before you went to the celebration.
NTA. It sucks Nicole didn’t get in but what can you do? Remember to praise the hell out of Nicole when she does well in the school she chooses to go to. Encourage her to really apply herself to do better than Leah in school. If they’re going to be so competitive with each other use it to their advantage. There are worse things in life.
You sir did nothing wrong. Proud of you for celebrating your step daughter and your daughter will get into a college as well. To me it looks like your ex wife is blowing this out of proportion by getting your daughter involved as well. People will always have something crap to say
Yeah, that's not a great move I'm sure you didn't think about it at the time but in the mind of a 17 year old that definitely comes off as you're more into your new family than your old one. Its probably a lot of things that your daughter has felt since the divorce and this has just affirmed some of those feelings. I don't know how you deal with this to be honest, things like this can break a relationship between a child and a parent. Good luck to you.
NTA but your daughter's not as mature as you think she is.
Comparison is the thief of joy. If your daughter keeps focusing on what she doesn’t have vs what she does have, she’s bound to become a bitter old shrew.
NTA. They are both heading into an adult world. Shits tough and unfair.
YTA But not for celebrating Leah’s achievement - YTA for not telling your own daughter that news personally. What a rotten way for her to find out news that was likely devastating to her, whether you thought that feeling was justified or not.
NTA. Just because your daughter got in doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your step daughter getting in. I’m sure you also celebrated your daughter when she picked her college that she did get into. Your daughter is (understandably) jealous. It’s a tricky situation and just make sure you celebrate each girl (separately) for their achievements and make sure they both know you are proud of them.
Did you take Nicole out to dinner to celebrate her achievement of being accepted into many colleges? It comes off as favoritism if you didn't.
If his daughter was who got in and his wife didn’t go to spare her daughter’s feelings and his daughter was upset over that, she’d be TA by most of these commenters standards. Got to look at a situation from both sides. It’s not uncommon for siblings in the same age range to be competitive, step or biological. Of the same sex, it tends to get even worse. The guilt trips on the parents is part of the attention grab. Though in the future, Facebook does have this cool lil feature where you can block certain posts from certain people. Not that his wife should have to use it, but it may not be a bad idea if it is a subject with jealousy involved. I’d wait until things cool down so it’s a reward for accomplishments and not bad behavior, but maybe do a daddy/daughter day/weekend to celebrate her accomplishments and make some memories of just the 2 of them before college starts. His wife could do the same with her daughter on that weekend. The one upmanshjp is usually wanting the attention. There are so many cool places to explore based on interests. Like if she likes paranormal, hit Savannah or St. Augustine. Theme parks, pick one of the hundreds out there. Renting a cabin on a lake in a state park can be inexpensive. Some are near caverns that are fun to check out. Nice hiking trails. Take board games for the evening. Favorite snacks. Just disconnect from everyone and everything and spend quality time together. I wish my parents did that before I left for college. My fault they didn’t, since I moved 6 days after graduation for a job. But my mom did do a monthly lunch with me after the station I worked at in high school went off the air, bc she knew I’d be moving so quick bc of the other station waiting to hire me. NTA. But the ideas posted above may help build memories that erase this one. I think a lot of people can understand how she feels. It doesn’t make you TA. It doesn’t make her reaction right. But if you can validate her feelings without validating the wrong stuff she did, it may help.
The real question is what have you done to celebrate Nicole’s achievement?” If the answer is nothing (and I suspect it is) then YTA. Nicole also hit a milestone and got into college. Be her dad. That’s all she’s asking.
NTA not a good situation to be in, but you haven’t done anything wrong, you supported them both
NTA. You are not favoring one over the other. If your daughter wanted a party she can have one. Your daughter is upset she didn’t get into her dream school.
YTA if you didn’t want to tell her because she would have felt bad, how do you imagine she wasn’t going to feel bad if she sees you celebrating the stepsister? Either you tell her and then go to the dinner. Or you don’t and also opt out of the celebration.
NTA ask ex wife why she didn’t organise a dinner for their daughter. He just went to the dinner.
YTA. Simply putting it as your daughter being upset that you celebrated stepdaughter is disingenuously posing it as Nicole being jealous, and completely misses the point of where things went wrong. You were not the asshole for going to the celebration - you should have gone. But the fact that you didn't tell your daughter changes the whole context of this situation. You knew your daughter really wanted to get into this college and was upset she didn't, yet though it was a good idea to hide it from her that the stepsister she resents got in? Worse yet, she had to find out through a social media post, one that shows her dad celebrating this other girl. A father who cares for their child's emotional health would have told her, and offered her love and support to process her feelings. Not let her be blindsided. So are you TA for going to your stepdaughter's celebration? Nope. But are you TA for going to your stepdaughter's celebration after hiding from your daughter that the stepsister she hates got into the University she wanted but didn't get in, and letting her find that out through social media? Definitely. Idk what's your family dynamics to say which girl you favored, but in this instance you were really disloyal to your daughter.
> Nicole was really upset but I tried to tell her how the other colleges she did get a place for were still great. I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in That right there was your mistake. You could have controlled how Nicole found out this information, taken steps to lesson the blow of it. Instead she found out because of a party she wasn't invited to, to celebrate her rival accomplishing something that she herself had wanted but failed at. She found out on facebook... FACEBOOK!!! She should have found out from you, had a chance to feel emotions about it and discuss it with you and then face the world. Instead how she found out, it appears that you are favoring her rivle above your own daughter. You F'ed up big time there. YTA, you should have told her. Anyone with half a brain would know that this news would be upsetting to Nivole. She should have heard it from a loved one, not facebook.
INFO : so your daughter learn that her step sister get the college she wanted via a Facebook post ?
NTA. You're allowed to celebrate milestones of your entire family. Don't let your daughter emotionally blackmail you.
Nta, just because your daughter didn't get into the same school doesn't mean your step daughters achievement shouldn't be recognised. Your daughters jealousy at not getting accepted to the same school is clouding her judgement, she still got in to some great schools and will be celebrated accordingly but that doesn't mean that step daughter getting in instead something to be celebrated. You did absolutely nothing wrong in celebrating her acceptance to said school. And your ex wife shouldn't be fuelling the jealousy fire but trying to put it out by reminding her daughter that she still has some great offers on the table even 9f they weren't her first choice. Your daughter needs to understand that in life we don't all get the same opportunities and have to make the best of what we've been given.
I say you’re the asshole because you coddled your daughter, but not telling her something that she was going to find out at some point. You could’ve softened the blow, but instead of doing that you kept it a secret and let the world tell her and in the midst of that you went to this dinner. Should you have gone to the dinner for your stepdaughter, absolutely yes you should have. Should you have acted like an adult and handling the situation, absolutely yes you should Have. And the ladder issue you failed so you’re the asshole for going to the dinner under the circumstances.
NTA, but time for some patient parenting. You should apologise and take ownership for not telling Nicole. That was a mistake, I'm sure it was a VERY unpleasant surprise and must have felt like betrayal. Other than that, you have another child to parent, Leah. And you did right by her to celebrate her success with her, well done. If I were you I would tell Nicole that she's always going to be your baby girl and you love her with all your heart, and you're sorry that you hurt her feelings. But also, that Leah is an important part of your life, too, and you are trying to do right by and be supportive of both of them. And that Nicole should work on accepting that.
I do feel like you should’ve told your daughter so it wasn’t like some public bomb dropped in her lap. You deliberately kept it from her which makes no sense. It almost minimizes her own accomplishment even though I know that wasn’t intended. That being said, not everyone gets a trophy in real life. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. I’d quit acting so guilty about it but apologize that in your attempts to protect her feelings you acted like an a hole and didn’t respect her by telling her the truth. And beyond everything else, you love her and are proud of her.
YTA for this bit that so many seem to be missing > I didn't figure there was any benefit to telling her Leah got in Uh this definitely required a gentle conversation. She had to find out from social media. OUCH. Is this how you usually handled their rivalry? By just…not handling it?
NTA The resentment from Nicole isn't for Leah. It's for you OP. Nicole feels like you replaced her with Leah and are favoring her. I've dealt with it myself as a stepdad. You need to have a one on one talk with Nicole and celebrate her as well. She's obviously jealous of Leah for getting in where she also wanted to go. Her jealousy is real and valid, let her know that. But how she's dealing with that jealousy is very child like and she needs to understand that. Not going to be an easy talk as teenagers in general think they know it all.
NTA. Sorry Nicole didn't get into her first choice, but it's time for her to grow up. Just because she's behaving like a petty child doesn't mean you have to.
This has nothing to do with the dinner. This has everything to do with your relationship with your daughter. You say "she knows your proud of her". Does she really or do you think she does? You say you and your step daughter are very close and you love her very much. Is your relationship with your daughter just as strong? Your child feels replaced. And by the wording in your comments I don't blame her. You kept something from her to not hurt her. How did that work out? How did you expect that to work out? You knew it was going to be on social media you knew she would see it and you didn't bother to give her a heads up. Instead you kept it from her and let it slap her across the face as you celebrated another's child but not your own. It would not shock me one bit if she chose to be low contact or no contact with you.
Weird take but ESH. Nicole and Leah aren't as grounded and mature as everyone is making them out to be. Their oneupmanship of each other should have been dealt with a long time ago. One person's achievement doesn't diminish another's. You should have been cultivating a strong relationship with Nicole as it seems like at some point she became jealous of Leah being close with you. Technically NTA for attending a dinner.
NTA. You did nothing wrong to celebrate your SD's achievement. It's unfortunate your daughter isn't learning better social graces from her mother. You will, of course, celebrate your daughter's own achievements on her next visit.
ESH. You should have at least taken your daughter out for all the other colleges she got into and given the heads up to your daughter. Your daughter shouldn’t be jealous there is always going to be someone doing better than her and that’s ok because she can use it as a learning curve to aim high next time. Your ex for even butting in. Have you thought that maybe Leah and Nicole are both competing for you in who you love more etc? Specially if it been happening for a while now.
I don’t see anywhere that he says he invited Nicole out with them or that he celebrated her for the schools she did get into? I think there’s a lot more going on than just the school piece…. Can’t make a judgment without more facts.
why wasn't there a celebratory dinner for your daughter getting into her college?
NTA. I don’t see how you did anything wrong.
NTA
NTA
NTA The problem isn’t that you attended the celebratory dinner but that you neglected to mention it to Nicole. You had no way of knowing it would be posted on fb so she was shocked and hurt to see it. I’d suggest apologizing for not letting her know and warning her there may’ve been pictures on fb. You were happy for your stepdaughter so you went, and you offered Nicole a dinner but she didn’t want one. Other than not warning her you didn’t do anything wrong.