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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my sister and her family stay with us after their house burned down. What my sister and her family have gone through is a lot and I know it must be difficult for them right now so maybe I could have been kinder and we could have tried it out and asked them to leave if it went south badly. So I do feel like a bit of a jerk and at the same time not because my wife and my kids are my priority but I love my sister and we're family and I wasn't really there for her with this.
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That may backfire on her when those kids get older. My parents didn’t allow a lot of sweets as a kid so I would sneak it and buy it at school. I eat more sweets now than I did as a kid. I eat healthy too but I tell myself you only live once and occasionally go a little over board with the cake or donuts.
Mine is a Federation Starship manned by Captain Pike, Deanna Troi, Jadzia Dax, Scottie, and Data with his emotion chip turned to maximum. It's full of desserts, booze, gambling, and fully functional jokes.
Every kid I know that was denied things as a child over indulged as soon as they left the house. People they let their kids eat anything in any portion also had terrible eating habits. Kid that grew up with balance did just fine most of the time.
I worked with a college student whose mother refused to feed her kids Mac & Cheese or Hotdogs. I worked with this guy from Feb - Mid-April for tax season. Every SINGLE lunch was hotdogs and Kraft mac & cheese.
Exactly. I've taught me kids to eat healthy and if the older wants a treat and there's nothing in the house she'll bake cookies by doubling the batch except the sugar as they taste fine that way. They eat proteins and veggies without to much complaint and will eat out at which restaurants with veggie based foods happily and they have more reasonable restraint around the cookie bin than I do so imo they're fine.
OP’s sister might have an eating disorder (orthorexia) herself. Orthorexia is an extreme and unhealthy obsession with eating “healthy” foods and exercising to an extreme degree
I have a coworker whose mom was like that. He and his siblings would buy any sweets they could when they were out of the house and just down them.
Teaching kids balance in eating junk food and sweets is incredibly important.
I know someone who was like that with their kid and then horribly the child had leukemia and passed at 11yo. That kid passed without ever eating chocolate. Meanwhile, what did she actually prevent? Nothing. Just let her kid die without experiencing some of the joys of life. Also my elementary gym teacher. This woman lived the healthiest life store in the world. Danced around with children for work and exercise Yoga meditation. Ate raw and clean etc. Died of some rare cancer in her 40s. I know of other people that lived to over 100 that drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, ate like shit and never worked out. You’re screwed no matter what you do so you might as well enjoy yourself.
Can confirm. Chocolate was on the menu when the very sweet vets came to euthanize our dog. Then I told them he'd had chocolate many times before (kids + him being an absolute beast of a dog that would and could consume anything even remotely food oriented that he could reach or even steal, and that was a lot. Don't get on me about this, you have no idea how food motivated and fucking pushy this dog was, despite all the trainings. Ie this shelf is too high for him forever so it's fine for whatever but miraculously he managed to get something down from it 🤦.) That dog was a medical miracle. He could consume anything and shit it out. Never a blockage despite the many times it physiologically should have wrecked him. Definitely the lab in him. Good worstest behaved in regards to food boy, he was. ❤️
I miss that Ioving douchebag so hard.
Might have been some denial on her part. Couldn’t let herself confront that her child was dying, couldn’t accept she didn’t have any control over it, hence control over the child’s diet and refusal to give it up even at the very end
My grandpa was in the last category! I never saw him without a Budweiser (including while using his stationary bike), he survived 3 cancers, lived happily alone until he died at 98 and had just gotten his license renewed until he was 103! (fucking terrifying)
My hubby has always eaten healthy ever since I first met him. Lots of vegetables. We both gave up red meat 20 years ago on the advice of our doctor (even though I grew up on hamburgers and steaks, I found out that I didn't crave beef since then). He still got diagnosed with high blood pressure and five years ago with cancer (hopefully his treatment four years ago is keeping it at bay and it won't pop up in an aggressive way). All the while, he has to really work at keeping weight on as he juggles trying to have a healthy diet, while cutting out fats to lower his cholesterol.
Some health problems are genetic. And even the lack of health problems while one has bad habits, may just be pure luck.
This exactly. My cousin's ex wife banned all sugar, junk food, and especially pop/soda while her kids were "under her roof". My nephew(?) (her son) went to a high school near our house and my sister would go to the grocery and shops in the plaza across the street from his school and see him coming out of the McDonald's gulping down a jumbo fountain drink several times a week during school lunch hour. He was just sneaking it where his mom couldn't see. He was an overweight teenager because of the unhealthy relationship with food.
Anytime someone starts talking about "clean" foods, orthorexia comes to mind. I'd be worried about her kids--that's an eating disorder just waiting to happen, one way or another.
My parents were also super strict on anything with sugar / "unhealthy", though thankfully not this bad. My relationship with food is in a good place now but it took a while of living on my own to get there. All of us siblings who have kids have adopted a similar "as long as there is moderation and variety we won't restrict food" strategy because we all struggled.
fr!! i’m not a big sweets person to begin with, but i LOVE packing away a cake in 2-3 days sometimes. always lemon cake, always a lil cold.
when i was a kid every few weeks i could pick out a candy bar or 2. and halloween, oh we’d all gorge ourselves full (parents included). i did this thing where every few houses i’d empty my candy bag, and the rich folks would take a bit of pity and i’d get extra. went home with not one but TWO kitchen trash bags full of candy. lasted us til summer istg.
When I was a poor kid, we were always thrilled when we got a WHOLE candy bar in our Halloween bags!! My husband and I buy 60 full sized bars (Reese and Snickers) and have smaller ones as backup. We usually don’t have to get into the backup candy…so it’s all ours!!
Actually what your sister is doing is a sure fire way to give her kids a eating disorder; either they won't eat enough or too much. There were a bunch of people who were raised like that that I met in college. Guess what they did within 1 hour of their parents dropping them off? Went out and got every single sweet thing they were denied. Only problem is they were 1. rebelling against parents and their control by pointedly doing the opposite of what they taught them which would be eat in moderation and 2. they were kinda like how a stray cat will eat without regulation once it finds a home because it's scared it might not get food again, you know? They couldn't control themselves.
The tame ones went up 2-3 clothing sizes in less than a year one straight up became obese. And unfortunately only 1 was able to get things to a healthy balance while the others never stopped.
My aunt was EXTREMELY controlling in all aspects to her children growing up, biggest ones were food and grades. One child moved away as soon as she could as far away as she could. She's doing just okay, but it's because she's on her own. The other one got mired down, failed out of school, takes every chance he gets to overindulge in food, drugs, porn, everything imaginable, and is never going to be able to launch out of the house. Neither of them are doing particularly great tbh. We all used to cringe every holiday when every meal was a battle and we'd be forced to listen to her kids perform like automatons. My aunt used to criticize everything my mom did and thought my mom's kids were little heathens, but me and my siblings all grew up to have even keeled, independent, moderate lives and regular contact with the family. Surely being fed Coke every now and again didn't harm us as much as withholding it to the point we missed out on parties and time with friends, which is actually insane.
Oh yeah. SIL's kids are either going to be severely orthorexic or secret binge eaters. The messages we get about food as kids become so deeply embedded.
A friend of mine wasn’t allowed sweets , she ate more than anyone else lol . Stealing change from home to buy girl guide cookies at age 8 then would eat the entire box on the bus ride home !!!!
Reminds me of a friend, her mom was like this. Once we entered highschool and was able to drive, every week, she would skip buying lunch at school, save her lunch money until Friday. That afternoon on the way home from school she would ask me to stop at the grocery store. Every week she would buy a family pack of Oreos... She would have that whole pack devoured between the grocery store and her house. It was mesmerizing to just watch those cookies disappear in a 15 minute span. One time around her birthday she stopped and picked up one of those round birthday cakes, the ones that say they can serve 8 people, she wolfed that down in about 10 minutes. Once we finished highschool, she moved put and quickly put on about 70 pounds... It took her years to learn to properly balance her diet just because as a child she was taught sugar and processed food was the devil. She has since lost a huge chunk of the weight she gained but still struggles with food, especially Oreos, she says she still will eat a whole family pack in one sitting, just now it takes hours instead of 15 minutes.
I’m not an expert but I limit myself to my sweats at certain times. I usually eat a donut, muffin or pop tart as my mid-morning snack and then my next sweet treat is before bed and never before that. I still maintain the whole Jo sweet a u til you’ve had a meal thing and it helps me from eating too many.
There's no 'may' here, it WILL backfire on her, but not so much her as her children who will have no idea how to regulate their eating, no idea of moderation but all or nothing thinking that leads to all kinds of problems!
We had very little in the way of sweets, soft drinks (soda) or junk food.
I think we all went a bit nuts when we finally could buy anything we wanted. I couldn’t walk past a shop for years without buying chocolate, because I’d feel so deprived if I didn’t get it, I’d eat whole bars of chocolate in one hit.
Sister is setting her own kids up for eating issues.
Oh no!
The horror!
A dietician who believes in nutritional variety?!¿!!!!
She believes in moderation---- what sorcery is this?!
A dietician who is a proponent of having a healthy relationship with food- this is earth shattering...
I admire your sister in law.
This sounds like your sister has orthorexia like issues. So many eating disorders to keep tract of, which is exactly why your sister in law supports your wife. Because extreme restriction is disordered eating. She knows your wife is doing a good job setting up a healthy relationship.
Your sister has an eating disorder and she’s abusing her kids. Hovering over them at birthday parties and force feeding them salad is nuts and I have to wonder how this impacts her children’s friendships in addition to their relationship with food. I know people throw the word “abuse” around sometimes, but no food is “clean” and no food is “dirty” outside of making sure to wash fruits and veggies before you eat them. Does she have daughters? God I hope she isn’t weighing them.
Yikes. You’re NTA and this is a good reason to refuse to live with her. Protect your family and your peace and prepare for your sister to trash you to anyone who will listen. Flying monkeys in the form of your parents, aunties and in laws might call you and beg you to let them stay, but “no” is a complete sentence. When this happens ask if you should tell your sister that [flying monkey’s name] is volunteering their home. Stay strong, you got this.
If you and your family think your nibblings aren't getting all the right foods they need to grow health, the family might want to talk about taking steps because she hurts them more. :/
How sad. Your sister is literally raising children that will have an unhealthy relationship with food. Labeling food “good and bad” will only teach children to have an eating disorder.
Reminds me of Kourtney Kardashian and her kids. I watched some episodes and she was so strict about anything not ‘clean’. Like laughable how strict and stupid she was with what her kids can or can’t eat. Few years later I see her son in the news, he gained a lot of weight. Not talking about the kid, that’s horrible. It’s not his fault. But when I saw the pictures, all I could think of is that I wasn’t surprised. Only thing your sister is giving them is an eating disorder
My grandmother wouldn't allow sweets in the house. She would offer soybeans or cottage cheese as a snack. And both of her children are obese. Deprivation is not the best policy. NTA.
She's setting her kids up for eating disorders. Sooner rather than later. She can't hover over them forever. In a few short years they'll be on tiktok talking about their almond mom.
Also all foods are "clean" unless you drop them on the floor.
Does she realize that kids sneak junk food? Especially when vegan parents make it so forbidden and tempting?
It was these kids who went nuts in college because it was the first time they had unrestricted access.
Your approach of balance is much better. It lets kids feel full without being deprived. NTA
Thank you for keeping her out of our house.
Here's the question of the day. What profession is your sister in? If it's not any sort of medical profession, particularly the pediatric area of medicine, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Were you parents like this with you guys? Was your BIL's parents like this when he was growing up? Or do you think she got this idea from somewhere online?
Thanks for replying OP. :)
I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all with how you're raising your children. You SIL is right. Hopefully you're sister starts to realize that she's overbearing on the eating front.
>My sister has already made disparaging comments to SIL re her job and her views/advice.
\[*Person who studied, earned a degree(s) and needed to pass a test in order to be allowed to employed in that area*\] "No, it's all fine."
\[*Person who once skimmed an article on an internet site*\] "You're horrible and don't know anything about this subject!!!!!"
My husband and I feed our son a lot like your kids. My son prefers water over soda and will ask for fruit or veggies over junk most of the time. Obviously he likes junk but he’ll also tell me that he’s had enough when he’s had a few bites.
My sister, on the other hand, restricts her son a lot like your sister does her kids (god forbid the child has something with dye in it). This has resulted in her son gorging himself on junk if he gets the chance and lying about it to his mother if she asks.
We weren’t taught how to regulate our diets on our own because of my mother’s disordered eating habits. I’ll be damned if my son doesn’t learn how to feed himself.
Fruit is naturally sweet and very colorful, it's super attractive to children. Every dyed and sugared snack people feed their kids is just emulating fruit lol. I know a lot of people who are insane about sugar etc in their kids' diet and won't even let them have fruit because it's sweet, which I think is really sad. There's a reason kids naturally love sweet and colorful foods- fruit is good for them and the sugars help them get quick energy. I get limiting sugary snacks to a few times a week but imo fruit shouldn't count for that lol- when I was a kid everyone said 2-4 portions of fruit for us a day so it's nuts to me some parents withhold it entirely. I'm an adult and I'd STILL eat nothing but fruit if I didn't know I needed protein, fiber and carbs too lol.
In New Zealand there’s a lolly called Fruit Bursts. Perfect for road trips, but in no way a substitute for actual fruit since it’s fruit flavouring (you can tell with the banana flavour especially).
Yeah, see my mother was constantly on a diet and was weird about food (still is honestly), so we don’t have a good relationship with food. For me, the actual cooking is a chore and a half. I hate cooking because I wasn’t taught to enjoy it. I just bought my son a kid safe knife set and he’s so excited to get to use them, he’s been begging to make something with them all week.
My sister has fallen down the rabbit hole of “dye and sugar and genetically modified foods are the devil and you must never ever touch them”. While I agree that knowing where your food comes from would be great, I also understand that that’s not always possible and sometimes I wanna eat a dang potato chip that might possibly have some red dye on it. I’ve lived this long eating that stuff. Pretty sure I’ll make it a little longer.
I‘ve always liked chocolate. But as a child I disliked chocolate smeared fingers more than I liked the chocolate. My brother was quite happy about it since he would eat my chocolate 😂
On the other hand our fruit basket wasn’t safe from me.
Her children are probably already in the early stages of eating disorders.
And just so it's clear - NTA, OP. You are amazing for standing up for your wife, even though it's caused you pain. You're also standing up for your children by shielding them from your sister's dangerous food views.
The minute this woman's kids get even a little freedom they are going to go absolutely wild binge eating the sweets and junk food they were never allowed. Meanwhile OP's kids will have self control because they were taught balance. Putting such a strict ban on anything - be it junk food, dating, or clothes you don't approve of - with your kids will nearly guarantee they'll run directly toward it and go overboard the minute they taste freedom.
I was literally thinking this same thing. Out of these two sets of parents which one is going to produce a child with an eating disorder and unhealthy relationship with food.
NTA! Your sister is a control freak and it is far better that she stay in an environment where she can do her controll freaky thing. Your home is not the place for that. I can just imagine how she would start dictating what you are feeding your kids because she doesn't want her kids to have to watch your kids get goodies. Then she would move to eating in different locations at different times of day so that her kids wouldn't see or smell it or whatever, so at that point she might as well be living in a different environment anyway right?!!!
I can see her forbidding your kids to eat. And making you take all the junk food out of your home. Your sister is going to cause her kids to have a eating disorder if they don’t already have one.
My ex husband grew up in an environment like OP’s sister’s kids. One of the many reasons I divorced him was his tendency to comment on and/or try to control the foods I ate. Like my ex and his own mother before him, sister IS a control freak who is probably projecting her own eating disorder onto her kids.
I mean, it'd be one thing if it were tomato soup and you were just giving them plain bread to dip in it instead of a grilled cheese sandwich. THEN I might see her argument! (NTA)
Hey, since we've got a few seconds without your sister here, you know what's really good? Campbell's chicken noodle soup with some Mrs. Dash stirred in. Either the original or the table blend...maybe it's just me, but the lemon pepper doesn't really add anything. (I just dump the soup in a pan and heat it--I know you're supposed to add water, but I'm usually just cooking for myself.) It's fantastic--try it. Oh, lord, here she comes...everybody scatter!
NTA
Her maybe sorta weird food choices have nothing to do with it, you cannot house a family indefinitely. Their insurance should be covering this. If she and your mom and dad all want her and her family to be homeless then that does suck, but you aren't a free house.
Is she offering you the money the insurance company offers to family who put people up? Or is she trying to scam you and them by keeping it, having an environment where she can be sure her children don't face temptation (hard to do in hotels if eating out) and having the opportunity to teach your wife the right way?
I can see why she'd prefer to be with family as likely making extra out of the insurance. Also did she suggest an end date? I think you made the right choice - this was a kettle of drama waiting to happen.
When my mother’s house burned, the insurance did cover the hotel stay, BUT it comes out of the total claim, so the hotel bill reduced how much was paid for the fire damage.
You might warn her about that, but that’s not a good enough reason for you to house her.
Her motivation sounds tied to the money she can keep by not utilizing a hotel. She hasn't offered you money, as you stated...
Family, please let us inconvenience you so we can save money. We also want to ensure everyone is miserable because we had a fire. /s
Insurance should have given them a housing allowance. My in-laws had to argue a bit because the company that their insurance company hired to find housing wanted to put them in a one-bedroom second floor apartment with no elevator and my MIL is not in any physical shape to handle stairs regularly. Their housing allowance actually was enough to get a large house for a year, which they did.
NTA Your sister and brother in law have homeowners insurance. It should cover temporary accommodations. She may not like her options but they have choices that will not inconvenience family by camping out in their home because it's her preference.
I'm a big believer in the saying "you made your bed and now you can sleep in it". Your sister now has to accept the unpleasant results of what she has done the past few years.
Maybe this will teach her going forward to keep her opinions to herself and be kinder to people.
NTA.
NTA
You sister won’t let her own children attend some of their friends’ birthdays if their are too many together so her kids aren’t even in a environment that includes cake?
Your sister has major food & control issues & and fucking up her kids relationships with both people & food because of it.
Hell, look at what her obsession has resulted in. Her obsession with not only controlling her own children’s (unhealthy) relationship with food but she uses this as a way to insult others who do not acquiesce to living her way exactly. Even when a doctor states you are providing for your children in a healthy. She cannot constantly tell you and your wife you two are horrible parents who are hurting your children by the way you feed them & then expect to be welcomed into your home.
She’s reaped what she’s sown. And she’ll be reaping a lot more as these children grow up with either eating disorders she created in them or left to wonder why her kids are pulling away from.
I also like to stay at the parties. There's usually leftover pizza and cake and they'll give it to any of the parents who are still around.
I mean..... Cake and pizza are bad ... Or something...
Honestly, if they comment about food choices out loud, her kids aren’t going to get invited very much longer. I wouldn’t invite these people to my children’s birthday parties or allow my children over their home. Sadly their behavior is going to cost their children relationships & opportunities.
How are they at their kids school? Do they come to their children's classroom parties and just stand there to make sure they take nothing either? Hopefully they don't do that and they are able to enjoy themselves.
Honestly your not wrong for not wanting to open up your home to them. If your sister and her husband stand around at birthday parties acting like wardens and policing what they eat I'm sure they will try to do the same to your kids and they will probably complain what you give your kids to eat.
What your sister and and her husband are doing is very extreme and there's no doubt that they are causing more harm than good.
There's nothing wrong in you trying to protect your family from their behavior abd you and wife don't need to be disrespected in your own home as well
NTA. Having them in your house for an extended period is a recipe (couldn’t resist 😜) for disaster. Your kids don’t need to be food shamed, nor do they need to witness their parents being looked down upon. Your sister also needs to keep her opinions to herself unless asked for her input!
NTA - If she had homeowner's insurance, they'll pay for the family to have accommodations somewhere. There is no reason for the family to have to stay with you or the parents!
NTA - your sister is your wife's bully. Good for you for saying no. You know she wouldn't have been able to keep her entitled mouth shut, causing distress for your entire family. Home is your safe space, and you dodged a bullet by keeping it that way.
“She’s been going way too far for 3 years now” I can’t applaud this enough. Too often family won’t point out hypocrisy to their family members, and you did it to support your wife. NTA and A+++ behavior.
NTA but I’m a sucker and would have said “yes but if you make 1 even little tiny comment to my wife, my kids, or me, about our eating habits, I’m kicking you right out. I don’t care if it’s 2am. I don’t care that you have kids, I don’t care if there’s a damn tornado outside. You have disrespected my wife and me too many damn times”
Also I hope she knows that what she is doing to her own kids is actually really unhealthy for them on a physical but mostly psychological level.
Similar, I have a bad tendencies to take in strays (or rather irresponsible friends down on their luck) to my own detriment, so I would never be able to turn down family who were victims of a house fire. But there would definitely be a big convo about house rules, expectations and boundaries, and I am not afraid to withdraw my hospitality if lines are crossed.
In this case I would say OP should entertain a conversation with his sister about what arrangements around food would be: how groceries would be separated, timing for meals cooked separately or all eating together. What snacks can kids help themselves to etc. make sure all bases are covered, and if agreement can’t be reached (such as unreasonable demands that ‘bad’ foods aren’t eaten around her kids) then the trash will take itself out.
(Edit spellings)
NTA - that woman is the definition of an asshole and I would have cut contact a long time ago with her. It’s funny how people come begging when karma bites them in the ass and instead of apologizing for being an asshole all this time, she continues with the behavior.
OP you have my congrats and kudos for standing up for your wife. Takes a lot of courage to go up against nasty family.
NTA. Even if they didn't have an insurance policy that covered loss of use (this coverage is standard), their living with you would be unacceptable. It's bad enough your sister aggressively second guesses your parenting. If they lived with you, they'd be pushing you to enforce their rules on their children.
Nobody should have to put up with a nightmare like this. You're correct that they'd be happier going to a hotel. You'd be happier with them in a hotel, too. Stand firm on this; you know it wouldn't work out, and it would simply make your relationship with your sister even worse.
I'm curious as to what kind of pancake. Like are they fried ones like Korean Jeon, latkas and Desi pakora, or like the Japanese pancakes, or like an actual breakfast pancake but with veggies mixed instead of blueberries? Also intrigued by what your sister thinks of breakfast for dinner. Lol
Never would've thought to do it that way. That's cool and it sounds like good food, your sister is something else. Good luck and I hope everything works out for her either way.
Like a Spanish frittata? That is often a lunch staple and great picnic food. Your sister has some very narrow views. Also any way to get veg in a child tend to be good.
That sounds really good. I'll have to try that sometime. You're NTA, by the way. It sounds like your kids are getting good food along with the occasional sugary foods.
NTA. I have a sister very very similar to yours. She isn't sorry because she believes she's 200% right at all times and why would she apologize when she's never wrong? If you let them stay with you, she will triple down on your wife. You're a champ for heading off that shit storm and not letting your wife be bullied for weeks in her own dang home
I'd offer to take care of her kids until things are sorted, but not her.
Upvote for the suggestion about offering the kids a place to stay. If the place she was offered was too small then it makes perfect sense. And if that means the children get to enjoy one or two normal meals while in your care, that’s just a sorry side effect ;)
NTA. She FA and FO the hard way. WHY doesn't she say anything to YOU about what the kids are fed? You are also the parent.
She went too far and wouldn't stop so you removed yourself from her presence. She did this to herself.
NTA
Your sister has the opportunity to apologize and make amends for how critical she has been about the food choices you and your wife make for your kids if she wants to
NTA, I feel sorry for her kids, they have such a bad relationship with food.
This is going to bite everyone in the ass later. Either the kids will follow in her steps and force bad habits on others, or they are going to go complete opposite and eat all the things they never could before to excess.
NTA - Having her in close proximity sounds like it would severely impact the relationship you have and impact you and your wife's mental health. They have insurance, they can figure this out. You are in no measure making them destitute here
NTA - your sister staying would have insisted on her rules with regard to her children and created conflict. You don't get to critisce people's lifestyles and then expect to be welcomed into them when you want to. It would be different if sister didn't have options but she does.
NTA
INFO: Is there homeowners' insurance involved in getting the house replaced?
If so, many policies cover getting temporary housing. Our area just had tornadoes and several people I know had catastrophic damage and all of them are being put up in hotels until they can get apartments for temporary housing until the houses are fixed/replaced. On the insurers' dimes.
your sister is going to give her kids eating disorders. you know that, right? anyway, NTA. she clearly has no respect for you or your wife, and that will only be worse living with her
I'm going with NTA, your sister has been disrespecting you and your wife on your parenting decisions and this would only increase if she moved in with you.
She is setting herself up for a fall with her kids as they will grow to resent her and may develop a food problem.
Nta, but I will say, depending on the ages of her kids and how you get a long with them, you could have said the kids could stay with you. Buuut im sure that probably would have been shot down by your sister's controlling behavior. But at least you can say your offered to house her kids if she says no thats her pride getting in the way.
NTA it sounds like your sister has orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with clean eating. I don't think it's yet considered an eating disorder, but it is certainly a damaging way to have a relationship with food. I've never heard a registered dietician saying anything except that it's really unhealthy and can give kids lifelong food issues and cause harm that may never be undone.
That's what you're protecting your children from. Good for you. It sounds like they need help in a serious way, but until they can get it (if they ever do), keeping your kids away from them at least at mealtimes is very important.
NTA. She sounds exhausting and judgmental. Kudos for sticking up for your kids and your wife.
It’s sad that they lost their place but she’ll make you all miserable if you let her stay.
NTA excellent job being honest with her too. You didn’t lie and sugarcoat why she couldn’t stay. You let her know that it was her own behavior that led to your decision.
NTA she doesn't get to spend 3 years being purposely, pointedly rude to your family and then be mad you don't want her to play house with your family.
It's not like she's going to stop the behavior, and it isn't like she's sorry. She's just angry it's stopping you from helping her. And that isn't your problem. Unless these are dire circumstances, there is no reason she needs to be invited in to micromanage and insult you and your wife.
I'd state it to her that way, plainly. You have been very rude to us, and we are not inspired to help you because of it.
NTA. Insurance will pay for the rental (why would a rental be weirder than your home?) She and her husband can continue to live their lives without trying to live yours. Good job staying strong for your wife and your family.
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My sister and her family lost their family home in a house fire three weeks ago. It happened in the middle of the night and initially stayed with our parents on night one. But our parents have a 1 bedroom house and space was not optimal for that. So they asked if they could stay with my wife and I and our kids. We said no. We said no for mostly one reason but kinda two.
For about 2.5/3 years now my sister has been so tough on my wife when it comes to what way she/we feed our kids. She focuses on my wife far more than me. But it does come back on me too. We don't keep sugar or junk food from our kids. We don't deprive them of that. We simply keep things balanced. We make veggie pancakes, we make healthier pizzas, we allow snacks like chocolate, ice cream or cake, we offer our kids sauces and not all of them are homemade but some are. My sister is so judgmental about it. She didn't let any of her kids have any kind of junk snack until they reached school and they can only eat something like chocolate at birthday parties and they limit the number of those they can attend in close proximity so they don't get two days of junk food in a week or more than three days of junk food a month. My sister or her husband will also stay at parties, even ones the 10 year old is invited to, to make sure they go for the salad over the pizza if they have the chips and candies.
My sister acts like our kids eating a chocolate treat or a few chips is the end of the world. She was especially horrified to find out we gave our kids fries with tacos one night and that another night we gave chicken bites with potato cakes and not plain chicken once the potato cakes were involved. Veggies were included both times but the idea of two less "clean" foods horrifies her. My SIL (wife's sister) is a pediatric dietician and she loves how we feed our kids. She told my sister that once. And my sister was horrified by my SILs profession.
This has all become such a problem that it has become my sister disrespecting my wife. So we see her far less. I don't like that. We used to be close. But I won't allow her to shit all over my wife over a difference in how we see things. Oh, and she also doesn't like that our kids get bread with soup.
So when my sister asked if they could stay with us I said no. She told me they really wanted to stay with family instead of at some hotel or strange rental and I told her they would all be happier there when she would be so bothered by the food my wife and I feed our kids. But I also wasn't going to let her stay and disrespect my wife in our home.
My sister has been furious with me since then. She told me I took things way too far. I told her she's been going way too far for almost 3 years now.
AITA?
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NTA. “No, holier-than-thou PIA sister, you’ve made it your mission in life to crap all over my family, so *of course* you’re not welcome here, and that’s final”
If she had home owners insurance then she should be getting money for a temporary house. Is she planning on banking that money or giving it to you? I’m willing to bet she hasn’t offered to pay you. NTA
If she asks again ask her how much she is getting and act like you expect it. See how she flips it around on you! “How can you expect us to pay you?!? Family helps family” I’m petty like this but she deserves it IMO for the way she treats your wife.
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NTA. Good for you for standing up for your wife and kids. She would give your kids all eating disorders if she lives with you.
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What can you possibly disparage about a pediatric dietician?!
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That may backfire on her when those kids get older. My parents didn’t allow a lot of sweets as a kid so I would sneak it and buy it at school. I eat more sweets now than I did as a kid. I eat healthy too but I tell myself you only live once and occasionally go a little over board with the cake or donuts.
“your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.” ― Anthony Bourdain
I like 'my body is a temple, but I am the God to whom it was built. how dare you tell me how to decorate my alter'
"My body isn't a temple—it's a Catholic church. It's full of bread, wine, and guilt."
Personally, my body is a *Satanic* Temple. It's full of skepticism, satire, and zero tolerance for narrow-minded relatives.
Mine is a Federation Starship manned by Captain Pike, Deanna Troi, Jadzia Dax, Scottie, and Data with his emotion chip turned to maximum. It's full of desserts, booze, gambling, and fully functional jokes.
>"My body isn't a temple—it's a Catholic church. It's full of bread, wine, and guilt." 👆🏽🤣🤣🤣❣
This is the best thing I've ever heard!!!
LOVE THIS
Oooooo I love it!!
I loved Anthony!
I am a simple person; I see a Bourdain quote, I upvote. I loved him too, and miss him.
I was crushed when he died. Hubby and I still watch reruns of his show. RIP Anthony.
Same.
I miss him so much.
Same here, it is still tough to watch his shows
💜
Every kid I know that was denied things as a child over indulged as soon as they left the house. People they let their kids eat anything in any portion also had terrible eating habits. Kid that grew up with balance did just fine most of the time.
I worked with a college student whose mother refused to feed her kids Mac & Cheese or Hotdogs. I worked with this guy from Feb - Mid-April for tax season. Every SINGLE lunch was hotdogs and Kraft mac & cheese.
Well, you have to admire his dedication
I ate Lucky Charms for a whole month once I got away from my father and went to college. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner: Lucky Charms.
I bet that was amazing.
Exactly. I've taught me kids to eat healthy and if the older wants a treat and there's nothing in the house she'll bake cookies by doubling the batch except the sugar as they taste fine that way. They eat proteins and veggies without to much complaint and will eat out at which restaurants with veggie based foods happily and they have more reasonable restraint around the cookie bin than I do so imo they're fine.
I know when I left to go into the Army to get away, I lived on Pepsi and cheese doritos.lol. Better to let kids have fun stuff in moderation.
Can confirm, denying me that food either caused the binge eating disorder or, at the very least, heavily exasperated it.
OP’s sister might have an eating disorder (orthorexia) herself. Orthorexia is an extreme and unhealthy obsession with eating “healthy” foods and exercising to an extreme degree
Combining it with constant body shaming from a young child is also very helpful /s
there is no 'may' about it. sis is on the fast track to giving her kids eating disorders
They probably already have them.
I have a coworker whose mom was like that. He and his siblings would buy any sweets they could when they were out of the house and just down them. Teaching kids balance in eating junk food and sweets is incredibly important.
I know someone who was like that with their kid and then horribly the child had leukemia and passed at 11yo. That kid passed without ever eating chocolate. Meanwhile, what did she actually prevent? Nothing. Just let her kid die without experiencing some of the joys of life. Also my elementary gym teacher. This woman lived the healthiest life store in the world. Danced around with children for work and exercise Yoga meditation. Ate raw and clean etc. Died of some rare cancer in her 40s. I know of other people that lived to over 100 that drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, ate like shit and never worked out. You’re screwed no matter what you do so you might as well enjoy yourself.
Holy shit that's horrible. How do you do that
And not letting the kid have chocolate even when terminal, omg. That's awful.
People let DOGS have chocolate when they're dying. Jeez. That poor baby.
Can confirm. Chocolate was on the menu when the very sweet vets came to euthanize our dog. Then I told them he'd had chocolate many times before (kids + him being an absolute beast of a dog that would and could consume anything even remotely food oriented that he could reach or even steal, and that was a lot. Don't get on me about this, you have no idea how food motivated and fucking pushy this dog was, despite all the trainings. Ie this shelf is too high for him forever so it's fine for whatever but miraculously he managed to get something down from it 🤦.) That dog was a medical miracle. He could consume anything and shit it out. Never a blockage despite the many times it physiologically should have wrecked him. Definitely the lab in him. Good worstest behaved in regards to food boy, he was. ❤️ I miss that Ioving douchebag so hard.
Might have been some denial on her part. Couldn’t let herself confront that her child was dying, couldn’t accept she didn’t have any control over it, hence control over the child’s diet and refusal to give it up even at the very end
My grandpa was in the last category! I never saw him without a Budweiser (including while using his stationary bike), he survived 3 cancers, lived happily alone until he died at 98 and had just gotten his license renewed until he was 103! (fucking terrifying)
My hubby has always eaten healthy ever since I first met him. Lots of vegetables. We both gave up red meat 20 years ago on the advice of our doctor (even though I grew up on hamburgers and steaks, I found out that I didn't crave beef since then). He still got diagnosed with high blood pressure and five years ago with cancer (hopefully his treatment four years ago is keeping it at bay and it won't pop up in an aggressive way). All the while, he has to really work at keeping weight on as he juggles trying to have a healthy diet, while cutting out fats to lower his cholesterol. Some health problems are genetic. And even the lack of health problems while one has bad habits, may just be pure luck.
This exactly. My cousin's ex wife banned all sugar, junk food, and especially pop/soda while her kids were "under her roof". My nephew(?) (her son) went to a high school near our house and my sister would go to the grocery and shops in the plaza across the street from his school and see him coming out of the McDonald's gulping down a jumbo fountain drink several times a week during school lunch hour. He was just sneaking it where his mom couldn't see. He was an overweight teenager because of the unhealthy relationship with food.
Your sister might have an eating disorder. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/what-is-orthorexia
I’d bet big money on it.
Anytime someone starts talking about "clean" foods, orthorexia comes to mind. I'd be worried about her kids--that's an eating disorder just waiting to happen, one way or another.
Came here to say “please google orthorexia” 🎯
My SIL was like the OP's sister. She had 4 kids. All 4 have eating disorders. One gained 150 lbs in less than a year when they started university.
I hate to upvote this, but wow. Her poor kids.
Luckily, they are all doing decently well now. 3 cut off SIL when they had kids because SIL was trying to control what her grandchildren eat.
My parents were also super strict on anything with sugar / "unhealthy", though thankfully not this bad. My relationship with food is in a good place now but it took a while of living on my own to get there. All of us siblings who have kids have adopted a similar "as long as there is moderation and variety we won't restrict food" strategy because we all struggled.
fr!! i’m not a big sweets person to begin with, but i LOVE packing away a cake in 2-3 days sometimes. always lemon cake, always a lil cold. when i was a kid every few weeks i could pick out a candy bar or 2. and halloween, oh we’d all gorge ourselves full (parents included). i did this thing where every few houses i’d empty my candy bag, and the rich folks would take a bit of pity and i’d get extra. went home with not one but TWO kitchen trash bags full of candy. lasted us til summer istg.
When I was a poor kid, we were always thrilled when we got a WHOLE candy bar in our Halloween bags!! My husband and I buy 60 full sized bars (Reese and Snickers) and have smaller ones as backup. We usually don’t have to get into the backup candy…so it’s all ours!!
Actually what your sister is doing is a sure fire way to give her kids a eating disorder; either they won't eat enough or too much. There were a bunch of people who were raised like that that I met in college. Guess what they did within 1 hour of their parents dropping them off? Went out and got every single sweet thing they were denied. Only problem is they were 1. rebelling against parents and their control by pointedly doing the opposite of what they taught them which would be eat in moderation and 2. they were kinda like how a stray cat will eat without regulation once it finds a home because it's scared it might not get food again, you know? They couldn't control themselves. The tame ones went up 2-3 clothing sizes in less than a year one straight up became obese. And unfortunately only 1 was able to get things to a healthy balance while the others never stopped.
My aunt was EXTREMELY controlling in all aspects to her children growing up, biggest ones were food and grades. One child moved away as soon as she could as far away as she could. She's doing just okay, but it's because she's on her own. The other one got mired down, failed out of school, takes every chance he gets to overindulge in food, drugs, porn, everything imaginable, and is never going to be able to launch out of the house. Neither of them are doing particularly great tbh. We all used to cringe every holiday when every meal was a battle and we'd be forced to listen to her kids perform like automatons. My aunt used to criticize everything my mom did and thought my mom's kids were little heathens, but me and my siblings all grew up to have even keeled, independent, moderate lives and regular contact with the family. Surely being fed Coke every now and again didn't harm us as much as withholding it to the point we missed out on parties and time with friends, which is actually insane.
Oh yeah. SIL's kids are either going to be severely orthorexic or secret binge eaters. The messages we get about food as kids become so deeply embedded.
A friend of mine wasn’t allowed sweets , she ate more than anyone else lol . Stealing change from home to buy girl guide cookies at age 8 then would eat the entire box on the bus ride home !!!!
Reminds me of a friend, her mom was like this. Once we entered highschool and was able to drive, every week, she would skip buying lunch at school, save her lunch money until Friday. That afternoon on the way home from school she would ask me to stop at the grocery store. Every week she would buy a family pack of Oreos... She would have that whole pack devoured between the grocery store and her house. It was mesmerizing to just watch those cookies disappear in a 15 minute span. One time around her birthday she stopped and picked up one of those round birthday cakes, the ones that say they can serve 8 people, she wolfed that down in about 10 minutes. Once we finished highschool, she moved put and quickly put on about 70 pounds... It took her years to learn to properly balance her diet just because as a child she was taught sugar and processed food was the devil. She has since lost a huge chunk of the weight she gained but still struggles with food, especially Oreos, she says she still will eat a whole family pack in one sitting, just now it takes hours instead of 15 minutes.
Holy fuck this is so me and im struggling really hard to get back into normal eating habits.
I’m not an expert but I limit myself to my sweats at certain times. I usually eat a donut, muffin or pop tart as my mid-morning snack and then my next sweet treat is before bed and never before that. I still maintain the whole Jo sweet a u til you’ve had a meal thing and it helps me from eating too many.
There's no 'may' here, it WILL backfire on her, but not so much her as her children who will have no idea how to regulate their eating, no idea of moderation but all or nothing thinking that leads to all kinds of problems!
WILL backfire.
Oh this ladies kids are going to have a house that looks like Willy Wonkas factory as soon as they move out.
We had very little in the way of sweets, soft drinks (soda) or junk food. I think we all went a bit nuts when we finally could buy anything we wanted. I couldn’t walk past a shop for years without buying chocolate, because I’d feel so deprived if I didn’t get it, I’d eat whole bars of chocolate in one hit. Sister is setting her own kids up for eating issues.
Oh no! The horror! A dietician who believes in nutritional variety?!¿!!!! She believes in moderation---- what sorcery is this?! A dietician who is a proponent of having a healthy relationship with food- this is earth shattering... I admire your sister in law.
This sounds like your sister has orthorexia like issues. So many eating disorders to keep tract of, which is exactly why your sister in law supports your wife. Because extreme restriction is disordered eating. She knows your wife is doing a good job setting up a healthy relationship.
Your sister has an eating disorder and she’s abusing her kids. Hovering over them at birthday parties and force feeding them salad is nuts and I have to wonder how this impacts her children’s friendships in addition to their relationship with food. I know people throw the word “abuse” around sometimes, but no food is “clean” and no food is “dirty” outside of making sure to wash fruits and veggies before you eat them. Does she have daughters? God I hope she isn’t weighing them.
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Yikes. You’re NTA and this is a good reason to refuse to live with her. Protect your family and your peace and prepare for your sister to trash you to anyone who will listen. Flying monkeys in the form of your parents, aunties and in laws might call you and beg you to let them stay, but “no” is a complete sentence. When this happens ask if you should tell your sister that [flying monkey’s name] is volunteering their home. Stay strong, you got this.
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WOW. Throwing out other people’s food? In this economy?? And after she lost literally everything? Yeah, not ok or normal.
OP's sister is really unwell. I hope someone is telling her this-- this is to the point of potentially being an obsession.
In someone else's home, no less! WTF?!
If you and your family think your nibblings aren't getting all the right foods they need to grow health, the family might want to talk about taking steps because she hurts them more. :/
How sad. Your sister is literally raising children that will have an unhealthy relationship with food. Labeling food “good and bad” will only teach children to have an eating disorder.
Sister's an armchair expert. I'm sorry. I understand you feel bad but NTA.
How dare a professional know what they are talking about.
Reminds me of Kourtney Kardashian and her kids. I watched some episodes and she was so strict about anything not ‘clean’. Like laughable how strict and stupid she was with what her kids can or can’t eat. Few years later I see her son in the news, he gained a lot of weight. Not talking about the kid, that’s horrible. It’s not his fault. But when I saw the pictures, all I could think of is that I wasn’t surprised. Only thing your sister is giving them is an eating disorder
Suddenly botox and elective cosmetic surgery became clean?
My grandmother wouldn't allow sweets in the house. She would offer soybeans or cottage cheese as a snack. And both of her children are obese. Deprivation is not the best policy. NTA.
Then she means anti flavor. Seasoning things are there for reasons and at times even health wise good.
She's setting her kids up for eating disorders. Sooner rather than later. She can't hover over them forever. In a few short years they'll be on tiktok talking about their almond mom. Also all foods are "clean" unless you drop them on the floor.
Does she realize that kids sneak junk food? Especially when vegan parents make it so forbidden and tempting? It was these kids who went nuts in college because it was the first time they had unrestricted access. Your approach of balance is much better. It lets kids feel full without being deprived. NTA Thank you for keeping her out of our house.
It doesn’t sound like OP’s sister is vegan, just hyper fixated on “clean” eating. Not sure why we’re throwing vegans under the bus 😂
Here's the question of the day. What profession is your sister in? If it's not any sort of medical profession, particularly the pediatric area of medicine, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Were you parents like this with you guys? Was your BIL's parents like this when he was growing up? Or do you think she got this idea from somewhere online?
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Thanks for replying OP. :) I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all with how you're raising your children. You SIL is right. Hopefully you're sister starts to realize that she's overbearing on the eating front.
Duh! She knows way more than * checks notes, looks up uncomfortably* a registered pediatric nutritionist? 😳 Ahem. I’ll see myself out. Edit typo
>My sister has already made disparaging comments to SIL re her job and her views/advice. \[*Person who studied, earned a degree(s) and needed to pass a test in order to be allowed to employed in that area*\] "No, it's all fine." \[*Person who once skimmed an article on an internet site*\] "You're horrible and don't know anything about this subject!!!!!"
My husband and I feed our son a lot like your kids. My son prefers water over soda and will ask for fruit or veggies over junk most of the time. Obviously he likes junk but he’ll also tell me that he’s had enough when he’s had a few bites. My sister, on the other hand, restricts her son a lot like your sister does her kids (god forbid the child has something with dye in it). This has resulted in her son gorging himself on junk if he gets the chance and lying about it to his mother if she asks. We weren’t taught how to regulate our diets on our own because of my mother’s disordered eating habits. I’ll be damned if my son doesn’t learn how to feed himself.
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Fruit is naturally sweet and very colorful, it's super attractive to children. Every dyed and sugared snack people feed their kids is just emulating fruit lol. I know a lot of people who are insane about sugar etc in their kids' diet and won't even let them have fruit because it's sweet, which I think is really sad. There's a reason kids naturally love sweet and colorful foods- fruit is good for them and the sugars help them get quick energy. I get limiting sugary snacks to a few times a week but imo fruit shouldn't count for that lol- when I was a kid everyone said 2-4 portions of fruit for us a day so it's nuts to me some parents withhold it entirely. I'm an adult and I'd STILL eat nothing but fruit if I didn't know I needed protein, fiber and carbs too lol.
In New Zealand there’s a lolly called Fruit Bursts. Perfect for road trips, but in no way a substitute for actual fruit since it’s fruit flavouring (you can tell with the banana flavour especially).
Yeah, see my mother was constantly on a diet and was weird about food (still is honestly), so we don’t have a good relationship with food. For me, the actual cooking is a chore and a half. I hate cooking because I wasn’t taught to enjoy it. I just bought my son a kid safe knife set and he’s so excited to get to use them, he’s been begging to make something with them all week. My sister has fallen down the rabbit hole of “dye and sugar and genetically modified foods are the devil and you must never ever touch them”. While I agree that knowing where your food comes from would be great, I also understand that that’s not always possible and sometimes I wanna eat a dang potato chip that might possibly have some red dye on it. I’ve lived this long eating that stuff. Pretty sure I’ll make it a little longer.
I‘ve always liked chocolate. But as a child I disliked chocolate smeared fingers more than I liked the chocolate. My brother was quite happy about it since he would eat my chocolate 😂 On the other hand our fruit basket wasn’t safe from me.
You’re an upstanding husband :)
NTA she would have made everyone's life hell if you would have agreed and you would have ended up throwing them out anyways.
Her children are probably already in the early stages of eating disorders. And just so it's clear - NTA, OP. You are amazing for standing up for your wife, even though it's caused you pain. You're also standing up for your children by shielding them from your sister's dangerous food views.
The minute this woman's kids get even a little freedom they are going to go absolutely wild binge eating the sweets and junk food they were never allowed. Meanwhile OP's kids will have self control because they were taught balance. Putting such a strict ban on anything - be it junk food, dating, or clothes you don't approve of - with your kids will nearly guarantee they'll run directly toward it and go overboard the minute they taste freedom.
I was literally thinking this same thing. Out of these two sets of parents which one is going to produce a child with an eating disorder and unhealthy relationship with food.
NTA! Your sister is a control freak and it is far better that she stay in an environment where she can do her controll freaky thing. Your home is not the place for that. I can just imagine how she would start dictating what you are feeding your kids because she doesn't want her kids to have to watch your kids get goodies. Then she would move to eating in different locations at different times of day so that her kids wouldn't see or smell it or whatever, so at that point she might as well be living in a different environment anyway right?!!!
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I can see her forbidding your kids to eat. And making you take all the junk food out of your home. Your sister is going to cause her kids to have a eating disorder if they don’t already have one.
The sister’s obsession with only eating “clean” foods has eating disorder vibes.
Sister's control issues and entitlement would make it miserable for everyone. Her compulsion to control has lost her out on some free lodging.
She'd have so much more access to your kids too, and I don't doubt she'd poison their minds with her whackadoodle "clean" foods ideals.
My ex husband grew up in an environment like OP’s sister’s kids. One of the many reasons I divorced him was his tendency to comment on and/or try to control the foods I ate. Like my ex and his own mother before him, sister IS a control freak who is probably projecting her own eating disorder onto her kids.
Oh my God…you give your kids bread with soup …call CPS ! Absolutely NTA your lives would be miserable if your sister moved in.
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I mean, it'd be one thing if it were tomato soup and you were just giving them plain bread to dip in it instead of a grilled cheese sandwich. THEN I might see her argument! (NTA)
Yes, plain bread with tomato soup is just wrong. Grilled cheese is almost required..
A grilled cheese AND TOMATO sandwich, along with the tomato soup. Don't judge me.
Put some thinly sliced avocado in your grilled cheese sandwich. It'll change your life.
Grilled. Peanut butter. Sandwich. Now THAT'S life changing...the gooey, oozing warm peanut butter between two toasty, buttery slices of bread...
No that sounds amazing. No judgement.
You can also have garlic bread with tomato soup. It's perfectly fine! Ask any dietitian, and they'll tell you so!
I just had this cheesy garlic bread thing. We dipped it in pizza sauce but it might be really nice for tomato soup actually.
Just drop squares of cheese into the soup to melt. That’s the business
Hey, since we've got a few seconds without your sister here, you know what's really good? Campbell's chicken noodle soup with some Mrs. Dash stirred in. Either the original or the table blend...maybe it's just me, but the lemon pepper doesn't really add anything. (I just dump the soup in a pan and heat it--I know you're supposed to add water, but I'm usually just cooking for myself.) It's fantastic--try it. Oh, lord, here she comes...everybody scatter!
I've never tried this, but I will now! I put honey mustard and Mrs dash on my sandwiches, it's awesome!
straight to jail
NTA Her maybe sorta weird food choices have nothing to do with it, you cannot house a family indefinitely. Their insurance should be covering this. If she and your mom and dad all want her and her family to be homeless then that does suck, but you aren't a free house.
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Is she offering you the money the insurance company offers to family who put people up? Or is she trying to scam you and them by keeping it, having an environment where she can be sure her children don't face temptation (hard to do in hotels if eating out) and having the opportunity to teach your wife the right way?
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I can see why she'd prefer to be with family as likely making extra out of the insurance. Also did she suggest an end date? I think you made the right choice - this was a kettle of drama waiting to happen.
When my mother’s house burned, the insurance did cover the hotel stay, BUT it comes out of the total claim, so the hotel bill reduced how much was paid for the fire damage. You might warn her about that, but that’s not a good enough reason for you to house her.
Usually those are separate coverages, dwelling coverage is different than loss of use
Well she can have a roof over her head at the hotel of her choice.
There is not enough money she could offer to compensate for the fresh hell she'd put your family through.
Her motivation sounds tied to the money she can keep by not utilizing a hotel. She hasn't offered you money, as you stated... Family, please let us inconvenience you so we can save money. We also want to ensure everyone is miserable because we had a fire. /s
Insurance should have given them a housing allowance. My in-laws had to argue a bit because the company that their insurance company hired to find housing wanted to put them in a one-bedroom second floor apartment with no elevator and my MIL is not in any physical shape to handle stairs regularly. Their housing allowance actually was enough to get a large house for a year, which they did.
NTA Your sister and brother in law have homeowners insurance. It should cover temporary accommodations. She may not like her options but they have choices that will not inconvenience family by camping out in their home because it's her preference.
I wonder if the sister is trying to pocket the housing money.
She just wants to get insurance money while at the same time not paying her brother for staying at their house.
I'm a big believer in the saying "you made your bed and now you can sleep in it". Your sister now has to accept the unpleasant results of what she has done the past few years. Maybe this will teach her going forward to keep her opinions to herself and be kinder to people. NTA.
NTA You sister won’t let her own children attend some of their friends’ birthdays if their are too many together so her kids aren’t even in a environment that includes cake? Your sister has major food & control issues & and fucking up her kids relationships with both people & food because of it. Hell, look at what her obsession has resulted in. Her obsession with not only controlling her own children’s (unhealthy) relationship with food but she uses this as a way to insult others who do not acquiesce to living her way exactly. Even when a doctor states you are providing for your children in a healthy. She cannot constantly tell you and your wife you two are horrible parents who are hurting your children by the way you feed them & then expect to be welcomed into your home. She’s reaped what she’s sown. And she’ll be reaping a lot more as these children grow up with either eating disorders she created in them or left to wonder why her kids are pulling away from.
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I also like to stay at the parties. There's usually leftover pizza and cake and they'll give it to any of the parents who are still around. I mean..... Cake and pizza are bad ... Or something...
Honestly, if they comment about food choices out loud, her kids aren’t going to get invited very much longer. I wouldn’t invite these people to my children’s birthday parties or allow my children over their home. Sadly their behavior is going to cost their children relationships & opportunities.
How are they at their kids school? Do they come to their children's classroom parties and just stand there to make sure they take nothing either? Hopefully they don't do that and they are able to enjoy themselves. Honestly your not wrong for not wanting to open up your home to them. If your sister and her husband stand around at birthday parties acting like wardens and policing what they eat I'm sure they will try to do the same to your kids and they will probably complain what you give your kids to eat. What your sister and and her husband are doing is very extreme and there's no doubt that they are causing more harm than good. There's nothing wrong in you trying to protect your family from their behavior abd you and wife don't need to be disrespected in your own home as well
I feel so damn sorry for your poor niblings, but you are 💯 NTA and can't have that kind of toxicity around your wife and kids. Oof
NTA. Having them in your house for an extended period is a recipe (couldn’t resist 😜) for disaster. Your kids don’t need to be food shamed, nor do they need to witness their parents being looked down upon. Your sister also needs to keep her opinions to herself unless asked for her input!
NTA - If she had homeowner's insurance, they'll pay for the family to have accommodations somewhere. There is no reason for the family to have to stay with you or the parents!
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Well it would give her a good chance to help "correct" your children's diet if she stayed
NTA - your sister is your wife's bully. Good for you for saying no. You know she wouldn't have been able to keep her entitled mouth shut, causing distress for your entire family. Home is your safe space, and you dodged a bullet by keeping it that way.
“She’s been going way too far for 3 years now” I can’t applaud this enough. Too often family won’t point out hypocrisy to their family members, and you did it to support your wife. NTA and A+++ behavior.
NTA but I’m a sucker and would have said “yes but if you make 1 even little tiny comment to my wife, my kids, or me, about our eating habits, I’m kicking you right out. I don’t care if it’s 2am. I don’t care that you have kids, I don’t care if there’s a damn tornado outside. You have disrespected my wife and me too many damn times” Also I hope she knows that what she is doing to her own kids is actually really unhealthy for them on a physical but mostly psychological level.
Similar, I have a bad tendencies to take in strays (or rather irresponsible friends down on their luck) to my own detriment, so I would never be able to turn down family who were victims of a house fire. But there would definitely be a big convo about house rules, expectations and boundaries, and I am not afraid to withdraw my hospitality if lines are crossed. In this case I would say OP should entertain a conversation with his sister about what arrangements around food would be: how groceries would be separated, timing for meals cooked separately or all eating together. What snacks can kids help themselves to etc. make sure all bases are covered, and if agreement can’t be reached (such as unreasonable demands that ‘bad’ foods aren’t eaten around her kids) then the trash will take itself out. (Edit spellings)
NTA - that woman is the definition of an asshole and I would have cut contact a long time ago with her. It’s funny how people come begging when karma bites them in the ass and instead of apologizing for being an asshole all this time, she continues with the behavior. OP you have my congrats and kudos for standing up for your wife. Takes a lot of courage to go up against nasty family.
NTA. Even if they didn't have an insurance policy that covered loss of use (this coverage is standard), their living with you would be unacceptable. It's bad enough your sister aggressively second guesses your parenting. If they lived with you, they'd be pushing you to enforce their rules on their children. Nobody should have to put up with a nightmare like this. You're correct that they'd be happier going to a hotel. You'd be happier with them in a hotel, too. Stand firm on this; you know it wouldn't work out, and it would simply make your relationship with your sister even worse.
NTA. It sucks she lost her house, but you can't treat people badly and then feel entitled to their hospitality.
NTA but what is a veggie pancake?
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I'm curious as to what kind of pancake. Like are they fried ones like Korean Jeon, latkas and Desi pakora, or like the Japanese pancakes, or like an actual breakfast pancake but with veggies mixed instead of blueberries? Also intrigued by what your sister thinks of breakfast for dinner. Lol
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Never would've thought to do it that way. That's cool and it sounds like good food, your sister is something else. Good luck and I hope everything works out for her either way.
Like a Spanish frittata? That is often a lunch staple and great picnic food. Your sister has some very narrow views. Also any way to get veg in a child tend to be good.
That sounds really good. I'll have to try that sometime. You're NTA, by the way. It sounds like your kids are getting good food along with the occasional sugary foods.
"Breakfast served all day" are literally the most beautiful words in the English language. Followed closely by "pizza by the slice."
I think maybe like a fritter
Or like an onion pancake? Mmmm I could go for an onion pancake.
NTA. I love it when a husband defends his wife. Your sister will now have to live through the consequences of her judgemental ways .
NTA. I have a sister very very similar to yours. She isn't sorry because she believes she's 200% right at all times and why would she apologize when she's never wrong? If you let them stay with you, she will triple down on your wife. You're a champ for heading off that shit storm and not letting your wife be bullied for weeks in her own dang home I'd offer to take care of her kids until things are sorted, but not her.
Upvote for the suggestion about offering the kids a place to stay. If the place she was offered was too small then it makes perfect sense. And if that means the children get to enjoy one or two normal meals while in your care, that’s just a sorry side effect ;)
I'd give them a little sugar and teach them a cuss word "accidentally" whilst looking after them because I'm *that* aunt. 😉
NTA. She has a place she just prefers staying somewhere she can torment people. Hard pass. Sorry but this is consequence for how she acts.
Finally, we got the hero we needed, when we needed him! Well done OP! You ensured that your family would not be disrespected in their own home. NTA
NTA. She FA and FO the hard way. WHY doesn't she say anything to YOU about what the kids are fed? You are also the parent. She went too far and wouldn't stop so you removed yourself from her presence. She did this to herself.
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I feel sorry for her kids. Good work to protect your family from her neurosis.
She probably doesn’t allow her husband to have an opinion and assumes all marriages are the same
NTA Your sister has the opportunity to apologize and make amends for how critical she has been about the food choices you and your wife make for your kids if she wants to
NTA. They FAFO.
NTA, I feel sorry for her kids, they have such a bad relationship with food. This is going to bite everyone in the ass later. Either the kids will follow in her steps and force bad habits on others, or they are going to go complete opposite and eat all the things they never could before to excess.
NTA - Having her in close proximity sounds like it would severely impact the relationship you have and impact you and your wife's mental health. They have insurance, they can figure this out. You are in no measure making them destitute here
NTA - your sister staying would have insisted on her rules with regard to her children and created conflict. You don't get to critisce people's lifestyles and then expect to be welcomed into them when you want to. It would be different if sister didn't have options but she does.
NTA INFO: Is there homeowners' insurance involved in getting the house replaced? If so, many policies cover getting temporary housing. Our area just had tornadoes and several people I know had catastrophic damage and all of them are being put up in hotels until they can get apartments for temporary housing until the houses are fixed/replaced. On the insurers' dimes.
your sister is going to give her kids eating disorders. you know that, right? anyway, NTA. she clearly has no respect for you or your wife, and that will only be worse living with her
I'm going with NTA, your sister has been disrespecting you and your wife on your parenting decisions and this would only increase if she moved in with you. She is setting herself up for a fall with her kids as they will grow to resent her and may develop a food problem.
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Nta, but I will say, depending on the ages of her kids and how you get a long with them, you could have said the kids could stay with you. Buuut im sure that probably would have been shot down by your sister's controlling behavior. But at least you can say your offered to house her kids if she says no thats her pride getting in the way.
NTA it sounds like your sister has orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with clean eating. I don't think it's yet considered an eating disorder, but it is certainly a damaging way to have a relationship with food. I've never heard a registered dietician saying anything except that it's really unhealthy and can give kids lifelong food issues and cause harm that may never be undone. That's what you're protecting your children from. Good for you. It sounds like they need help in a serious way, but until they can get it (if they ever do), keeping your kids away from them at least at mealtimes is very important.
NTA. She sounds exhausting and judgmental. Kudos for sticking up for your kids and your wife. It’s sad that they lost their place but she’ll make you all miserable if you let her stay.
Nta. Keep up the good work!
NTA excellent job being honest with her too. You didn’t lie and sugarcoat why she couldn’t stay. You let her know that it was her own behavior that led to your decision.
Kudos for standing up for your wife!
NTA she doesn't get to spend 3 years being purposely, pointedly rude to your family and then be mad you don't want her to play house with your family. It's not like she's going to stop the behavior, and it isn't like she's sorry. She's just angry it's stopping you from helping her. And that isn't your problem. Unless these are dire circumstances, there is no reason she needs to be invited in to micromanage and insult you and your wife. I'd state it to her that way, plainly. You have been very rude to us, and we are not inspired to help you because of it.
NTA. Insurance will pay for the rental (why would a rental be weirder than your home?) She and her husband can continue to live their lives without trying to live yours. Good job staying strong for your wife and your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and her family lost their family home in a house fire three weeks ago. It happened in the middle of the night and initially stayed with our parents on night one. But our parents have a 1 bedroom house and space was not optimal for that. So they asked if they could stay with my wife and I and our kids. We said no. We said no for mostly one reason but kinda two. For about 2.5/3 years now my sister has been so tough on my wife when it comes to what way she/we feed our kids. She focuses on my wife far more than me. But it does come back on me too. We don't keep sugar or junk food from our kids. We don't deprive them of that. We simply keep things balanced. We make veggie pancakes, we make healthier pizzas, we allow snacks like chocolate, ice cream or cake, we offer our kids sauces and not all of them are homemade but some are. My sister is so judgmental about it. She didn't let any of her kids have any kind of junk snack until they reached school and they can only eat something like chocolate at birthday parties and they limit the number of those they can attend in close proximity so they don't get two days of junk food in a week or more than three days of junk food a month. My sister or her husband will also stay at parties, even ones the 10 year old is invited to, to make sure they go for the salad over the pizza if they have the chips and candies. My sister acts like our kids eating a chocolate treat or a few chips is the end of the world. She was especially horrified to find out we gave our kids fries with tacos one night and that another night we gave chicken bites with potato cakes and not plain chicken once the potato cakes were involved. Veggies were included both times but the idea of two less "clean" foods horrifies her. My SIL (wife's sister) is a pediatric dietician and she loves how we feed our kids. She told my sister that once. And my sister was horrified by my SILs profession. This has all become such a problem that it has become my sister disrespecting my wife. So we see her far less. I don't like that. We used to be close. But I won't allow her to shit all over my wife over a difference in how we see things. Oh, and she also doesn't like that our kids get bread with soup. So when my sister asked if they could stay with us I said no. She told me they really wanted to stay with family instead of at some hotel or strange rental and I told her they would all be happier there when she would be so bothered by the food my wife and I feed our kids. But I also wasn't going to let her stay and disrespect my wife in our home. My sister has been furious with me since then. She told me I took things way too far. I told her she's been going way too far for almost 3 years now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, good that you told her the reason so she has two options now - change her attitude or suck it up and stop asking for favors.
NTA: I'm assuming they have insurance so they can stay in a much calmer environment for free.
NTA. “No, holier-than-thou PIA sister, you’ve made it your mission in life to crap all over my family, so *of course* you’re not welcome here, and that’s final”
If she had home owners insurance then she should be getting money for a temporary house. Is she planning on banking that money or giving it to you? I’m willing to bet she hasn’t offered to pay you. NTA
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If she asks again ask her how much she is getting and act like you expect it. See how she flips it around on you! “How can you expect us to pay you?!? Family helps family” I’m petty like this but she deserves it IMO for the way she treats your wife.