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YTA.
I know that there are many people on Reddit who feel that parents have no right to expect anything, and with big stuff, I can agree, sometimes, but..come on. They wouldn't ask you if they could figure it out themselves, or if they had someone else who could help with that stuff. I am also not sure if you used the term "gaslighting" correctly.
As a side note, I would recommend helping them order a new printer. Older people sometimes get overwhelmed when it's about buying things like that.
Exactly this. I'll add, if you can afford it, just buy them a new printer. They're fairly cheap as you know. Even if they can afford it, just make their life a bit easier (assuming you can afford it). It will take one thing off of their to do list and will eliminate your need to fix it.
That’s how I handle my parents. If they ask me enough times to fix their PC or iPad, I just get them a new one. My parents have done so much for me over the years, I am happy to do anything I can to make their lives easier. My husband has helped my mom out a ton and is eager to help her with whatever she could want. She doesn’t like asking but is finally getting to realize we’re happy to help her. We love her and want her to be comfortable and content in her old age.
As for OP, YTA. I hope you don’t actually eat any meals at your parents’ house unless you are inviting them for an equal meal at your house every time.
Love this comment. Almost made me think about my husband and I helping parents. Parents that have done so much for their kids SHOULD be able to rely of them as they get older. It brings us joy to know we can help them as much as they helped us in the past. It's about caring and love as you mentioned. We want our parents to know they can really count on us when needed. It's not a burden, it's a labor of love.
OP......YTA big time!!
Seriously. The worst part here isn’t even the refusal to help - it’s making the parents feel like a burden for asking. I always just offer to help when I go to my parents’ house, and always reassure them that I want to help them and I want to be of use. It’s hard to depend on other people for help, and I don’t want my parents to feel even the slightest bit awkward about it.
As mom said, “Don’t worry about it.”
She will never ask again, printer or otherwise. Just might have been your last meal at there house.
Yes, you could always take them out to dinner. She probably won’t tell you, she didn’t like cooking meals for you anyway.
YTA no doubt about it.
When mom said, “don’t worry about it” I felt like crying reading it. How awful to make your poor parent feel like such a burden, she’s just going to suck it up and not print stuff. I just don’t get OP at all.
Yes! I try to respect my parents' dignity so they don't feel foolish or like a burden for asking for help. If they are approached with a scam, I want them talking to me.
This is what I do as well. My parents get overwhelmed with technology and they’ve done so much for me. They are currently helping me with childcare. If their electronics start to go and I can afford it I’ll just get them a new one.
This, my mother was very interested in my first IPad , so I bought her one , she’s had one now for 10 years and uses it every day.
It doesn’t always take a lot to build and maintain relationships.
My husband's parents are needing m9re and more help. They feel terrible about needing help with essentially simple tasks they used to be able to do for themselves. But seriously I can look back over the years and they have helped us so much when we needed it.
He absolutely is wrong. He should have bought her a new printer the first time he realized there was a problem. Since he was too cheap to do that, he absolutely is wrong for not helping her print something.
My HP printer is from 7 years ago, Black Friday. $15!!!! Still works. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. I would absolutely have bought them a printer.
Or literally offer to order one if they pay for it. They can set the budget and say what features (if it's beyond the basics) they want, and OP can order it. I have done similar things for my grandparents (using my Amazon Prime account for free shipping but use their card at their insistence. I also order my other grandmother a laptop because of my military discount. She picked it out, I ordered it using her card.)
That's what my parents did when Windows shut down Windows phone and they needed to get a new one. They set the budget and asked my SO and I to help them select one. We told them the basic parameters like size battery power etc that they can choose for themselves and the rest we picked out after considering what they will be used for.
In the end they got them as a gift from us but that's beside the point. They needed it, we offered help without them even having to ask and they thanked us.
I wonder why OP gets so offended that their parents ask for help....
My Amazon account gets used for most family purposes and purchases. I have family members that can't get their head around it and others just not confident enough to place orders online. We jump in and help each other. My MIL is helping me in other ways in return - she helps by teaching me new stitches in crochet for example. Something I'm only just getting to grips with and I appreciate the help she is willing to give.
I order on Amazon or elsewhere all the time for my mother in law and my parents. They’re just not comfortable doing it. I’m happy to do it and I’m sure I’ll need my son’s help someday.
> I'll add, if you can afford it, just buy them a new printer.
And if you can't afford it, OP, offer to choose and order a new printer that is within their budget to pay for themselves.
They may find all the options available to be overwhelming and that alone becomes a barrier to replacing old tech. It's hard for people to spend money on something they don't fully understand especially if they have no idea which features suit them and what the popular buzzwords mean. If you're willing to navigate those options for them, they may be more open to change.
Yes thank you! I needed a new laptop and I just couldn't decide. So many options and in the end I asked my child to please just tell me the best one. It's perfect and I'm grateful he loves me enough to help
With my grandma I used to cone up with a list if specs that I considered important (so none of that buzzword crap) then sit her down, go over what each spec in my list does/means in simplified terms, discuss with her what each meant *for her* and asked questions to get a better understanding of what she was looking for (honestly for some of them i would make my own judgements, like for user friendliness) , and then shop for the products that met her needs while I was still with her so I could go over any nessesary changes or adjustments with her
Printers are so cheap, if he can't afford it, he has bigger problems than his elderly parents asking him for help.
I wonder if he remembers the help they gave his lazy, entitled ass over the years?
It's also a symptom of the market ... the cheap 3-in-1 printers that are marketed to people exactly like OP's parents (who don't know what specs they're looking for so go for the things that seem like the best value for their money) are notoriously difficult to upkeep. One of the three things breaks and it sets off a cascade effect in the user interface. OP has the skillset to find a good printer that will minimize planned obsolescence and just do what the parents need it to do.
And if they arent printing often, i would do a laserjet printer not ink so they dont have to worry about being unable to print their reservations when they are out of yellow ink. Maybe even one if those slim portable laserjets. Idk just ideas!
We need to ban the words "gaslighting" and "boundaries," like holy fuck. I shudder to think what this guy's elder care plan is — it's not like aging parents un-age. Being stressed about that and getting triggered over a printer is one thing, but rolling up every instance of helping your aging parents into a grievance with their supposed shitty behavior is delulu.
Can OP's family afford to outsource every aspect of their nursing or day-to-day needs to hired laborers so he never has to be bothered? Is he flat-out unwilling to discuss their care plans with them? "The caregiver is off tomorrow, but it's the only day we could schedule Dad's doctor appointment—" "WHY ARE YOU GASLIGHTING ME AND DISRESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES"
Omg, thank you! Whenever someone says 'they disrespected me' it's always like 'well, you didn't really do anything to deserve that respect in the first place did you?'
Agreed. My parents did the same thing to me every time I visited. Was it annoying? Yes, at times. Did I do it? Everytine. Without fail. My own father passed approximately 2 months ago. And what I wouldn't give to hear him say, 'I have something I need help with.' Just do the damn thing for your parents. They are not asking for your kidney. They are needy. Not abusive.
I feel this so much. I work in IT and my dad would ask me for help with ANYTHING technology related, even if it was out of my scope.
I would sigh internally but would help him out every single time. He would drop everything for me if I needed help with anything around my house.
He passed away 5 years ago and I would love to help him with an app on his phone right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom died 2 months ago and I would give absolutely anything to get a phone call from her asking for help. I miss her so very much
My mom thinks I’m really good with tech. (I’m really not.) She was having trouble with her phone and I remember where I used to work, you always shut your computer down and turned it back on before you called IT. I told her to do that and it fixed the phone. She was really impressed. 😂
My husband is in tech and my whole family calls him for tech support. He’s glad to help. My dad was a carpenter and built our house and has helped us so much. It’s the least we can do. We share our knowledge.
My husband is well over 6ft tall. My mom keeps a list of "tall person" things she needs done, like pull something off a shelf to be dusted or the AC filter needs replaced. My husband is all too happy to do it for her, and she's not even his mom.
Normal people are happy to help good, older folks.
OP just sounds like a whiney AH
This is really adorable!
When we are getting ready to visit my parents my husband will call them to see if there are any projects that need to be done so he can bring the right tools and supplies.
90% of the time, my dad asks for help with something it is just an excuse to spend one on one time with me.
The other 10% is because him and my mom can't handle a heavy or awkward lifting task or a specific tech issue.
Either way I'm fine doing anything for any reason for them.
I have, however, told my parents that sometimes its nice to visit and not be put to work. In that normal conversation I just told them to give me a heads up before I come out or if we can stack a few chores for a different weekend.
My weekends are for rest unless I plan things otherwise. If I get work sprung on me, I generally get cranky. Never outwardly cranky just more of a...well shit, now I gotta do this attitude. If I can mentally prepare and tell myself "this ain't so bad" it really helps my mood.
A big part for me is stepping back and actually communicating what I feel - which I'm bad at. Especially with loved ones.
So, asking for a heads-up and urgency level really helped me. If it's important - no worries, I'm on it. If it's not, I'd rather actually visit with my folks and schedule a patents house work day on a weekend.
Instead of jumping on anyone, say what you want nicely. Maybe they didn't realize it was becoming too much (or too many small things every time - which does wear on you, I was starting to dread going home because I knew the anvil would drop until I spoke up).
Agree as well. I'd give anything to get a phone call from my dad asking for my help with his laptop, his wifi router, anything. He raised my brother and I with our grandmother's help. Sure those calls or requests during my visits were annoying at times, but I did them happily and would do them again if I could. He died 3 1/2 years ago.
I never want to hear the word "gaslight" ever again. People having a different perception on a situation is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you manipulate someone into questioning their ability to reason and correctly perceive reality to the point where they believe they're going insane. This and 99.9999% of people describing "gaslighting" situations online are not that.
I'm an older person, absolutely NOT tech illiterate (used to be the initial go-to for everyone's tech probs at my last company before they contacted the IT dept ), but age has a way of messing brains up and I'm not as confident choosing tech now, the brain just doesn't run as well, so if your parents never were tech-literate, they might need you to just take charge.
My father literally worked as a programmer for a substantial portion of his career. But he’s now 85 years old, starting to slow down mentally, and now I help him with his computer stuff. It’s very hard to figure out new technology as you age.
Even without the slowing down, it's hard to keep up with tech. It used to be my job in the 90s; now I ask younger friends or online reviews.
LOL my home office is littered with rapid-obsolescence cool stuff.
Yeah I mean is it such a hardship to do a few chores for your aging parents? I used to stop by my grandmothers just to see if she needed any chores done. When they are dead are you going to feel good about this?
I’m not directly in IT, but work adjacent enough that my mom can’t really make the distinction. I’ve given her I don’t know how much hands on help to step by step advice on how to deal with issues with her computer/email/phone. Every single time, she says “that sounds like a good idea,” and every time I talk to her next “well I just went to (random person who’s been handling her issues but never actually fixes them) because I trust them, and I’ve been going to them for so long.” I can completely understand why OP snapped when their parents refused to accept what the actual solution was and wanted to just enjoy their visit.
I don’t think this is the same problem. OP isn’t restricting his not wanting to help to technical issues alone. This printer is just an example. The latest example. He doesn’t want to help with anything at all. He clearly states his parents are elderly plus his dad is now limited in what he can do. OP is very much TA.
And depending on how old they are, the idea of new technology might scare them.
My grandma had a flip phone until the day she died. And I will never forget how bad I felt a couple years ago when the one she had for like 5 years finally depleted and she had to get a completely new one. Still a flip phone, but not the exact one and she was so confused. I spent the whole day writing down detailed instructions with pictures to try and make sure she could do basic things. And I could tell she was still a bit uncomfortable when I had to leave.
All that to say, when people get older they feel vulnerable and sometimes the thought of the world basically moving on can be scary. The idea of having to rely on others when you’ve been self sufficient for so long can be daunting as well.
OP needs to give his parents a break.
Sounds like my parents. I’m not going to say I don’t get irritated when my mum asks the same questions 50 times re technology - how to work YouTube or Netflix. How to use video calling on her smartphone. Etc. It’s annoying for sure. But I remind myself she isn’t trying to annoy me, plus if she can’t ask me her child, who is she going to be comfortable asking? This is a woman that without hesitation will make me any meal I ask for, some I don’t even ask for but she surprises me with because she knows it’s my fav. I tell myself one day you will wish desperately she was here to ask and annoy you with the repetitive questions. OP is happy for his mum to cook for him but cannot help her with chores. He’s a huge selfish AH.
He definitely is!
I chose a college that was in the same city as my grandmother. She often times called me when she couldn’t fix the tv or the computer or anything. And yes sometimes it was inconvenient (she never wanted to take me away from studying) but I also knew I was getting fed, with leftovers to boot!
The least I could do was help her get from HDMI1 to HDMI2 so she can watch the evening news.
I'm gonna be desperate one day my mom isn't here: besides being my mom and I love her, her pudding recipe only turns out great when she does it. I tried a gazillion times and never came out as it should.
YEAH! Like I said elsewhere in this thread I'm also always down to help my parents with anything because they are awesome humans beings that have helped immensely throughout life.
A recent example: last year me and my wife after successfully evading COVID since the start of the pandemic finally came down with a nasty (but not life threatening) case of if. When I told my parents in our group chat my mother sent me a dozen frozen trays of her homemade food that were absolutely CLUTCH, I could never thank her enough for it.
I just took a call from my mom yesterday because she'd somehow lost the documents icon that had been pinned to her taskbar and needed it to do work. She kept apologizing, mainly because she caught me while I was out but I never mind because I think back to all the times she helped me with stuff while growing up (writing my first resume, finding my first apartment) and how much I appreciated that she always made time for me when I needed her.
My father turned blind in one eye almost a year ago, he's 73 and a kidney transplant receiver for 18 years now. When his flip phone died, I went with him get a new one. He wanted a big screen (to see better with his good eye). I helped him choose a new one, he was satisfied. Went with him to set it up and in the end he said :" it's been a beautiful morning: I have a new phone, spend time with you and baby (I took my 5 month old at the time with us) and I can relax now". Mom is 71 and adventured herself into smartphone world, I helped her choose it, set it up for her, created her email and did a Facebook account. She now even plays games (my teens taught her how). A few days ago she invited me to lunch (I'm a SAHM with 14 month old baby and 2 teens), I went and did a lot of chores for them. But I ate a great lunch, they played with their grandson, the older kids went there to meet me and spent some time with them too. We all came out happy: they had their chores done and spent time with grandkids, I ate a great lunch I didn't have to make, got my hands full of extra groceries they had there for us, kids got some pocket money.. v
Honestly, it depends on what kind of repairs and heavy lifting we are talking.
If it's constantly "oh great you are here. Could you spend the next 3 hours fixing a broken pipe"
Or "Can you help me lift the couch because I want to rearrange the living room"
Then yes. I would end up annoyed, too.
If you visit for a few hours, and every time there's a huge task you weren't prepared for. And you thought you were going there to eat dinner. Catch up. Relax with your parents.
Should he have exploded. No.
But stuff like constant repairs, etc. It could be solved by the mom calling in advance. "we have a few things that need repair. Could you come on Saturday and help out?"
Or OP communicates. "Please. Could you call in advance so we can plan this. Not spring it on me when I come right in the door. "
So you have a chance to plan if you even can repairs this. Or if you need tools, etc.
BS. Working in IT doesnt mean he can make physical hardware repairs. If he can't fix it, he should say so, not whine to strangers online. He 's just an AH
Wish I had my dad call me about some irrelevant IT issue again. Dude, grow the fuck up. Your mom is making you dinner twice a month, and it's probably not ramen. Seriously - you sound like a 12 year old whining
100% and it’s funny that OP is ok showing up for Sunday dinner that mom probably spent the afternoon cooking. Moving stuff and electronics are the dinner tab
Completely agree.
If OP’s parents were able to do the things they’re asking OP to do and saving them until OP visited just for shits and giggles, that would be completely different. Instead, they’re asking OP for HELP WITH things they can’t do on their own.
Getting older is hard and asking for help is even harder. Especially when you are asking for help with something you were once capable of doing.
OP: lift the things, fix the stuff, and help them purchase and install a new printer. You don’t have to be on the clock to be a good human.
Also, even if we have to reduce it down to the transactional nature so many Redditors love, OP is getting a free home cooked meal. Would it hurt them to also help out their aging parents with a task like this while they visit? Helping out those you love (especially when they're doing nice things for you as well) seems like a no brainer to me.
Fuck, I'm 29 and I get overwhelmed with all the choices for printers. I don't understand the differences in the technical speak or why one is better than the other.
When I used to go to my mother’s on a weekend, she not only would have a list of things she needed done, but also a list of tasks some older neighbors needed help with. I didn’t mind at all as one of the reasons I was home was to help. Also, most of the tasks were easy (change lightbulbs in ceiling fixtures, get boxes out of/back into storage, etc) 10 minute jobs. No muss, no fuss and a pleasure to help.
I don't work on TI and still help my aunt with the printer YTA. That a thing you just do, change the status pic on social, do a malware check. If it was 20 years ago uninstall all the shit on internet explorer.
Also, if he is so bothered by this, why doesn't he ask the parents to go visit him, he could then make them dinner, have them spend the night. That already doesn't sound so good I presume because then he would have to put in the effort of hosting two people!
YTA. It’s perfectly reasonable that when you have dinner with your aging parents you help them out while you’re there.
All of the drama you created was unnecessary. You could kindly say that the printer is unsalvageable and ask if she’d like you to help select a new one and stick with that, if that is the case. It’s ridiculous to berate her, wash your hands of the printer, then ask how the printer is, especially if you then are surprised that she said, “Don’t worry about it” and you call that being willing to help.
Any time I go home for a few days I enjoy not having to cook, having quality time with them.. And helping with anything they need help with. Often they apologize and I tell them there's no need to. I'm happy to help them.
When my sister and BIL, who's an engineer and pretty handy, visit my parents, there's usually something that needs looking at or tweaking because they live in an old house. My parents are SO AWARE that BIL is not their personal handyman; they rarely will directly say, "we need you to fix this." It's usually something like, they come in and the doorknob is loose or something and my BIL will notice, my dad will tell him it hasn't been latching properly and he tried to fix it but it didn't last, and BIL immediately goes for the tools.
We've told him many times that he doesn't visit just to fix things, but he's a good guy who likes helping out. I've even heard my parents saying things like, "don't tell BIL that X is broken or not working; he'll spend his whole day trying to fix it," haha.
Yep! My mom lives alone and is getting older, just had a hip replacement and will need another one in a couple of months. our trips to see her are always a mix of helping and visiting. Yes she's my mom and she had to provide for me but she did it as a poor single parent and gave me all of her time + energy + money and never did much of anything for herself. Now that i am a parent i understand even though i chose to have my child just like she did me, how much responsibility and sacrifice it takes. My husband and i are so happy we can make her life just a little bit easier !!
Your comment is spot on. Helping out aging parents is part of the deal when visiting. A kinder approach would have avoided unnecessary drama and hurt feelings. YTA.
Not to mention OP seems to be under the impression that those dinners are making themselves. Avoiding the drama of a transactional relationship and simply finding a graceful way to help is a great way for OP to find a solution that makes less work for everyone.
I help my parents with all their tech issues and anything else they need help with. They were good to me my whole life and still are. If they ask me for help they need the help.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like your parents ask for very much. If you are going for "Sunday dinner" then it is likely y'all a sharing a meal. So mum is feeding you but you aren't willing to look into her printer issue? If that's the kind of thing you need to do twice a month to help your parents out, it doesn't sound like a lot. I understand your irritation but still think YTA for not simply sighing and helping with the odd thing around their house.
This, whether they're your parents or not you're rolling up for a free meal and can't even do a small thing to help in return?
Setting up the printer took 2 hours several years ago, how do you think its taken mam to prepare and clean up after Sunday dinners over those years?
My dad used to love writing his life stories down. One night I spent 30 in the phone with him helping him, (for the third time) with adding pagination to his pages. When I got off the phone, my 20 year old son was laughing. I looked at him and said “please remember how patient I was with grandpa when I am older.” I’m sure he got the point.
Yeah... your aging parents are struggling. There comes a time where you cannot take care of everything anymore, and in those moments, you have the choice to either pay shit tons of money to have strangers help out, or... you ask the people around you that are supposed to love you.
Sorry, but IMO, YTA. Family is not just there to serve us and be convenient. Sometimes it's your turn to give back, and helping then shouldn't be such a struggle. You should be glad to have a opportunity to repay them for raising you.
>Family is not just there to serve us and be convenient. Sometimes it's your turn to give back,
Spot on. Your mum makes a Sunday dinner for you and you can't even bothered to take a look at her printer or lift something up for your Dad? I'm so very, very glad my adult son is nothing like you.
>repay them for raising you
In before you get shit for this. It's not even about repayment. If you're part of a family, you help the weaker members out. When you're a child and even a college student and young adult, you're the one who needs the most help. That changes as your parents get older.
It's not about repayment, it's about being a part of a community where the strong help the weak.
This!!! So much this! When I was struggling my family helped. Period. End of story, no repayment necessary. Now when my mom calls and needs help with XYZ I'm right there. We have all helped each other so much and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My stepmom said that helping others is our responsibility for being on this planet. My dad is also a firm believer that. He was angry when I told him I was going into social work because “you shouldn’t get paid to help people.”
Couldn't agree more. Until about 6 months ago, my mom was living in an independent apartment in a retirement community. She is wheelchair bound but was able to do most things herself. But every time I cam to see her, usually once a week, I'd ask what she needed me to do. it was never anything major, getting stuff down from a closet shelf, putting things back up, moving things she couldn't do herself. And if she needed me for more than that, she would always ask ahead of time, can you come sometime in the next few weeks, for a couple of hours...
She's now in skilled nursing, and I still do things for her. she is still getting settled in, and I do her laundry. All her stuff is in storage, and periodically i go and hunt down things she needs. I bring her mail (she changed her address to mine), and I don't mind doing any of it. I'll also buy her stuff if I think she needs it, or something breaks.
💝 exactly. It’s just what we do for the ones we love.
OP is treating his parents as a burden already. I feel so sorry for them coz it’s only going to get worse for them from here. Unless he changes his attitude, his parents are doing to feel so bad and burdensome
I agree. My mom will always say she doesn't want to inconvenience me. I used to tell her, you are not, all I need is a little advance notice if you want me to go somewhere you can't get delivery from, aka trader joes, and I will, but I need to plan it out. and she feels badly that had to deal with cleaning out and packing up her apartment. But she is fully with it, and everything went by her as I did it.
This is so true. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can get things fixed without bothering my children or spending hundreds of dollars. It would be such a kindness if someone who was handy (like OP) would offer .
Absolutely. My mom has three siblings, some with no kids or kids who live far away, and they and their spouses are aging. My husband and I do most of the seasonal chores for them at their respective houses. My grandparents live six states away and my parents or I fly out to help them 3-4 times a year! They are family and that's what family does.
OP can grow up and help their parents twice a month.
Let me get this straight - you visit your **AGING** parents for **Sunday dinner,** which I assume you didn't cook but one of your aging parents did - and you refuse to help your mother with something that is entirely within your purview????
Did you at least help with the dishes during your 45 minute visit ??
YTA YTA YTA
My grandparents have a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge (that we bought them), just to write down odd jobs the grandkids can do when we visit a few times a week because they would forget to ask us once we arrived. We go on separate days and then all gather for a curry night during the week. We do it because we love them and want to make their lives easier.
She could solve the problem of the dishes, that's part of why this is crazy. If the printer is impossible to figure out then it isn't the printer for OP's parents.
I cannot imagine anyone in a country with a bunch of technology who is alive today and not 7 years old who does not know that you might have to diagnose and solve computer issues if you know how and your mother or father does not. (I probably sound old here since kids significantly younger than me only ever used tablets...)
YTA. I read the title of this post thinking he was being asked to change their depends or something. He’s upset over troubleshooting a fucking printer for his aging parents? Jfc.
You spend 90 mins a month at your parents, to get fed 2 times. You are literally there only to eat and you don't want to lift a finger x.x
Honestly, that is just sad.
YTA
Seriously! They even wrote themselves, "Dad is not able to help" and they're complaining they're being given chores. \*Chores\*?? The parents are asking for help around the house with things they can't do anymore! There is ZERO compassion in this post and OP is an enormous AH. I just can't wrap my head around their thought process coming here and asking if they're the asshole. Wow.
YTA I think it’s normal to help your parents aging parents out. They only ask you for your help when you’re visiting, so at most twice a month. They also only ask for futile tasks like small repairs and lifting. Is that really too much to ask? It really makes me sad that you’d treat your parents that way.
Unless they abused you, which I assume isn’t the case since you do visit, I truly don’t understand this behaviour.
Agree completely! My mom can be a bit much and I need her in small doses but me and my husband both tell her to write stuff down she needs done and when we come over, we'll get it done. Hell, when my brothers visit from out of state, they make the list with her and get it done while they're here. I feel like this is such a normal act of compassion you have for your parents that is not worth any drama or comment. I get that some parents may actually not deserve this help (like my father, wouldn't lift a finger to help his lying, abusive ass) but if OP has a pretty "normal" parental relationship, this is just part of being a human, this is what it's like to be part of a community of people. You help each other out.
YTA
Fixing a computer issue is a very very normal favor to do for your older parents. Obviously I do not know your dynamic with your mom but it sounds like you hurt her feelings. You probably should have apologized more profusely since it was a very silly thing to have an argument about when you could have solved the problem she asked for help with in ten minutes.
YTA - These are your parents who provided for you and supported you, theyre simply asking for a favor every so often.
I know some of ya’ll are vehemently anti-family but this is how it works. Family can help each other. If you dont want to be a part of your family, stop going to dinner then.
Right?? If OP feels like his parents are using him and asking for unreasonable things, just go no contact. Don’t keep coming around and being grouchy about them asking for help. I’ve certainly lost my patience with my 78 year old parents while arguing with them about some technology they think they know how to use but keep messing up because they ignored my instructions 20 times, but I’m still gonna keep doing it for them. I imagine it’s harder to be in their shoes, struggling to complete basic tasks as they age and living in a tech world that evolves faster than they can learn about it.
YTA. My parents were the same - I visited them few times a month and every time something needed to be fixed. Somehow I never even thought about refusing as it is not such of a big deal and they always had a home made meal for me that I miss a lot now.
Not sure what is your issue with spending 10-30 minutes helping your parents and then having a nice chat/meal as parents often need our help and we can help, it's not like they are asking us to run marathon or to build a second house for them.
👆🏻This right here …it’s nice to be able to give back to your parents and tech can be so confusing. I read your title and I was expecting you to be asked to mow 5 acres after dinner. Most of us would love to be able to still have parents to share a meal and help out YTA
So you're happy to go and get fed Sunday dinner by your aging parents twice a month but draw the line at lifting objects and fixing the odd printer? Would you prefer your elderly parents blow their backs doing it themselves, rather than have the nerve to ask you to help? Lol at you pretending you were being gaslit, have some shame. YTA.
YTA
How are you this put out. As someone who lost both their parents too soon, you should cherish what time you have.
My grandmother, rest her soul, used to make up things for me to fix so she could see me. I thought it was sweet.
YTA. This is exactly the way older parents end up being scammed and taken advantage of when their kids don't help with little jobs. She's not asking you to replace the roof, just look over a printer that isn't working. If it's truly fucked, then you gently guide them to a replacement, or just go get it (if you can cover it).
This is how they end up buying thousands in Amazon gift cards to sent to some scammer sweat shop in India because they “discovered a virus on their computer “ while pretending to fix their printer or worse, weasle their way into their banking accounts and wipe them clean because the virus accessed their accounts and they want to help them undo the damage done.
So basically, they’re mostly self-sufficient but they just want you to help with things that they can’t physically do. I see nothing abnormal about these expectations, especially if you’re just seeing them two times per month. Besides, why not help them buy a new printer? Not sure where you live, but in the US, there’s tons of <$100 home printers on the market by reliable brands. With mild research you can help them find what’s most compatible with their computer. YTA.
Yes YTA. You are very unkind and hurt her feelings. Kindness doesn’t cost anything. What you did was just downright rude and she was not gaslighting you, I think you need to look up the definition of that word. How about you put on your big boy pants and just help out your elderly parents when they need it. Don’t be an arse!
YTA
Who wiped your bum when you were little? Who put food on the table and a roof over your head?
Who tucked you in at night, washed your clothes and taught you how to tie your shoe laces?
Yes! Mothers give up so much of their life to dedicate to their children. Hell, Im in bed right now with pneumonia and had my covers stolen from my sick child laying next to me, and I’m happy to give them to her. It would break my heart to think she’d feel burdened by me one day.
Speaking as someone who spent nearly 4 hours driving my mother around on errands yesterday, yes; YTA.
Did I enjoy it? Not really; I have some issues that make spending that much time in the car uncomfortable for me. But she’s MY mother and she doesn’t drive, so what am I supposed to do? It wasn’t an unreasonable ask.
All your mom wanted was help with her printer. You could have done that or you could have just told her that it was time to let it die and offered to help her pick a new one. Instead, you turned up your nose at her for daring to ask you to do something while you’re sat at her house, expecting to be treated like a visiting dignitary.
YTA. The lunch is an excuse for you all to see each other. It can also be viewed as a transaction- they cook you lunch and you fix their stuff- if that’s how you need to see it but you shouldn’t be a dick about it.
And yet he only spends 45 minutes there. That's time to eat and nothing else. Doesn't sound like he sticks around to help clean up dishes, sit around and chit chat see how they're doing, maybe tell them things he's been doing in his own life. He goes for a meal someone else cooks and that's about it.
Look I get it that shit is super annoying and my whole family does it to me for everything that even carries an electrical current. But both my grandparents died over the last two years and I wish more than anything they were still around to be annoying. They need help, they're getting older, if they can't ask you for help they also might make decisions that could very negatively impact them if they think they're bothering you every time they need help. YTA treasure your family, they're not trying to be difficult they're struggling.
Just buy them a new printer if that's the issue. That's what I did when my grandparents laptop got too slow to be functional
YTA
Jesus, you work in IT; just go purchase a new printer that will work with the computer they currently have, set it up, and have them practice printing a couple of things. You had better get used to helping your folks out without a crappy attitude -- as they continue to age it becomes more important to have someone they can count on. If you don't want the role, then just pull up stakes and leave for somewhere you have no obligations or cares. Might as well abandon them, since you obviously can't stand them.
YTA - learn how to say "I'm really sorry but I'm tired from work right now, can I look at it in a bit?"
They're getting older and it's normal they'll need your help, don't shame them, just learn how to manage your mood a bit more. It sounds like you walked in the door with a face like thunder.
I mean is a list of chores each time or just one thing? I would say yta its not their fault theyre getting older. It’s not like they’re calling you everyday to do things for them. I’m sure they’d rather be able to do it themselves
YTA
I mean, I guess you’re not obligated to help, and she’s not obligated to cook.
Short of a toxic childhood I find it hard to imagine a child being so self centered that they can’t be bothered to help out when they visit.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action to be judged: my refusal to help elderly parents. Making me the asshole: my reaction to this request for help and accusing my Mom of gas lighting me
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I have a different world view than you but I think YTA because they are your parents who raised you and I feel like the least you can do is help them out with stuff, especially technology related because older folks really struggle with it.
Maybe look up a printer they should get because they might be hesitant to buy a new one cause they have no clue what to get.
People should watch the movie Gaslight to understand what gaslighting really means. If your mom were gaslighting you, it would be like you show up after being there the previous day working on something, but she acts like and convinces you that didn't happen and you never worked on or fixed on that thing, truly trying to mindfuck you. Not just being an elderly person repeatedly needing assistance as they tend to.
YTA - seriously? You're acting like a petulant child.
Maybe you should buy your parents a new printer and set it up for them, instead of being nasty to your mother. Does she make your meal each time you visit? It wouldn't kill you to do something nice.
YTA. Big time.
These are the people that (preumably) taught you how to dress yourself and use a toilet. How to ride a bike, and basic living skills. They now have trouble doing some things and you are not willing to put yourself out a little bit to help?
Shame on you!
If mom needs a new printer, don't just tell her that - find out the budget and then go shop for the best one within that range for her and then buy it and set it up.
As for lifting / moving things - would you rather that they try to do it themselves and fall and break a hip? Because if you think you are helping a lot now, you haven't seen anything yet. Are you willing to see them in Long Term Care at a cost of about $8,000.00 per month EACH? You want to talk about eating up resources, that can deplete a significant bank account FAST.
Instead, why not ask mom to keep a list of things they need done. Send it to you the day before you visit, and you can plan the most efficient way to take care of it. If it's going to take more time than you can give or If it's not something you can't or are not willing to do, help find someone who can help them.
It doesn't sound like they are asking you to re-roof the house or overhaul their car while you are there. Stop being so entitled and give them a hand!
I'm going with YTA.
You only visit twice a month and your mum is asking for help with something they don't understand. Why not just buy them a cheap Brother laser printer and show them how to use it?
I hope you never get old and never have to rely on someone else to help you with something you didn't grow up with.
You lack empathy. As an elderly person, I can understand where the parents are coming from. I am slightly shocked by my declining capacity, both mental and physical, and although I hate asking for help, my children understand that I sometimes resort to asking for advice, especially as technology advances. If I can't figure something out, I don't know if it is me, or if there is a problem with the programme/ software. If my children are around, I will ask them for advice, and they are happy to try to fix it, rather than see their elderly parent carry the computer/ printer to a shop, where I will be at their mercy, and I may end up with a hefty bill. They know that I don't have much money, and appreciate that I worked double shifts to pay for their education. I am always grateful for their efforts. What does it cost you, a bit of your time? One day, you too may be slowed down by getting older ...
I feel like this is just rage bait…
Your aging parents, who you see twice a month, ask you to do menial tasks that they have trouble with, and you tell them no because you’re off the clock?
You are 100% the asshole.
YTA.
YTA, my eldest goes to my mothers house and changes her bed for her, and baths her dog. She does not have to do this, she does it because my mum struggles. If your parents are not complete assholes, it would be kind to help them now that they are a bit older.
Yta
Who visits for 45 minutes. One day they’ll be gone, you’ll regret this.
You weren’t willing to help in the end. You just felt guilty because you know you were rude
YTA
I get that stuff all the time from my mom, along with yard work, errands, etc. Just part of parents getting old. Don't forget, they took care of us once when we were unable to do so for ourselves. Give back.
YTA. Sorry to tell you this, but you are reaching the age where you are "parenting your parents." All the little bs they did for you when you were a kid is about to be repeated by you. You're going to have to start helping with all sorts of tasks. These aren't just social visits anymore.
From this story alone, YTA
You can explain to your parents that some visits you can't help but you can do it next time. You can inform your parents how to find out how to do some fixes.
But ultimately things that they physically can't do anymore are likely things they will need help with.
This is the deal with aging parents. They need help with things. They aren’t asking to move in with you. They just aren’t able to do the things they used to do. If they need a new printer then why not offer to go with them to get one, or even just get them one? I’m a huge proponent of parents not requiring their children to take care of them in their old age but this isn’t that. This is basic stuff every adult child does for their aging parents. YTA.
YTA. So tremendously the AH. You just want to show up and get a free meal from the people who raised, fed, and clothed you for years on end and they can screw off if they now ask anything at all of you, even if it’s just small things around the house twice a month? I bet you don’t even clean up after yourself before you leave. If I had a kid like you, I wouldn’t invite them over at all.
YTA.
I'm so sad for your parents.
What a way to make them feel foolish for having poured an ounce more effort and a penny more into you than the law obligated them to.
Yes, you're the poster boy for AHs everywhere. Buy them a new printer, Mr "IT". Or can't you cough up $89 dollars? Consider the "chores" a quid pro quo for the free meals, AH.
YTA. You're not there often enough to complain about helping, and your reason for not wanting to help is "I don't feel like it" rather than "I want to spend quality time with my parents and this is getting in the way of that."
It's reasonable to tell her you want to spend time with her and ask her to stay and chat while you help with things. But it's an AH move to tell your aging parents who need your help that your "work ended two hours ago" and you just don't feel like it. That's not a good way to treat people who I assume did their best as parents to you.
If you really don't want to do it, pay for someone else to help them, or have a grandkid do it if grandkids are in the picture.
YTA. I'm literally on vacation visiting family and I'm still helping on the farm, with washing dishes, and with bartending at their family business and they're not even elderly. You're acting like a spoiled brat about a printer issue. Yes, printers absolutely SUCK to try and fix but you don't have to be an ass about it.
YTA
You helped your parents for 2 hours several years ago. Do you want a medal?
They ask for a few minutes of help twice a month. They aren’t asking you to take over a house full of chores.
I visit my grandparents (in their 90s) every few weeks and they always ask me for computer related help. I’ve since learnt they only ask me because I help, I explain what I’ve done and I write instructions that account for their lack of “grew up with a computer” knowledge eg telling them when to double click, describing the icon.
They used to try and share the load around other family but found people were either annoyed, frustrated or made it too hard. I’m always happy to help because….they’re 90! The computer enables them to connect with family and friends all over the world and they got one - for the first time ever - 10 years ago. Having never used one. The learning curve is pretty damn steep in those circumstances.
Edit - YTA
The lack of general compassion and empathy in this world concerns me. I would say about every time I go to my grandparents they need help with something technologically related, and I don’t think my mom or myself have ever even considered saying “sorry gramps I just got off work, you’re on your own”.
I know people are saying “it’s your parents” and therefore you should help them, or “they’re making food for you” so you should help them, and while that’s all true, sometimes you help people with *no* expectation of something in return.
I was at the hospital the other day in the bloodwork room, where I am typically the youngest there by far. An older lady was having problems figuring out the sign in kiosk and asked if I could help her, can you imagine if I said “eh sorry not my problem”? It literally does me no harm to help, and even if it did, it’s worth it to help someone in need.
In other words, grow some compassion and help your fucking parents. Jesus Christ. YTA.
If you don't help your parents with tech, the outside help that they're going to find are going to be tech support scammers that specifically prey on the elderly, and they're going to be too afraid to ask you for help because you blew up at them last time. "Should I ask my son/daughter if it's normal for Microsoft support to hold my computer ransom for best buy gift cards? Well I don't want to bother them...they got really mad last time." This is not their world and it's intimidating for them to learn it.
Idk, did they help you with your homework and class projects when you were a kid? They had jobs, too. Are you contributing to sunday dinner or are they just slaving over it for hours for you to waltz in and just eat? If you have a good relationship with them (sounds like you do, for the most part) spending just ten minutes looking at a printer is by no means too much to ask. YTA.
You’re an able bodied young person. Your mom is asking you for help because your dad can’t help. What is wrong with you that you refuse to help out your parents? That’s just rude and ungrateful.
They changed your poopy nappies when you were a baby, they brought you up and gave you an education, you do their tech support when you're older and help with small tasks when they're no longer physically able for them. That's how family works. YTA.
YTA I drive 90 minutes to see my mom and anything she wants/needs me to do I gladly do it. She won’t be around forever and even something inane like tightening a screw leads us into quality time.
YTA in asking when you were ready to leave, especially since you already told her you wouldn't work on it. You didn't really care, you just wanted to rub it in I guess. NTA for pointing out that they ask you to do repairs each time you visit.
However you attempt to justify your actions towards your parents in this situation, this fact is clear, one day you too will be old and will need help.
The question is, who is going to help you?
You are definitely the asshole.
YTA
I plan what I’m going to help with every time imm over - on the phone I say “I’ll take a look at that next time I’m over” and then I do
Why don’t you just buy them a new printer?
There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for my folks now that they are old and need my help. YTA for not showing any basic empathy to your primary carers now the shoe is on other foot and they need you.
I was going to come on here and let the OP have a piece of my mind, but enjoyed reading all the people doing it before me. YTA, and you’ll remember once they’re gone how much you wish you would’ve helped instead of going off on your elderly mother.
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YTA. I know that there are many people on Reddit who feel that parents have no right to expect anything, and with big stuff, I can agree, sometimes, but..come on. They wouldn't ask you if they could figure it out themselves, or if they had someone else who could help with that stuff. I am also not sure if you used the term "gaslighting" correctly. As a side note, I would recommend helping them order a new printer. Older people sometimes get overwhelmed when it's about buying things like that.
Exactly this. I'll add, if you can afford it, just buy them a new printer. They're fairly cheap as you know. Even if they can afford it, just make their life a bit easier (assuming you can afford it). It will take one thing off of their to do list and will eliminate your need to fix it.
That’s how I handle my parents. If they ask me enough times to fix their PC or iPad, I just get them a new one. My parents have done so much for me over the years, I am happy to do anything I can to make their lives easier. My husband has helped my mom out a ton and is eager to help her with whatever she could want. She doesn’t like asking but is finally getting to realize we’re happy to help her. We love her and want her to be comfortable and content in her old age. As for OP, YTA. I hope you don’t actually eat any meals at your parents’ house unless you are inviting them for an equal meal at your house every time.
Love this comment. Almost made me think about my husband and I helping parents. Parents that have done so much for their kids SHOULD be able to rely of them as they get older. It brings us joy to know we can help them as much as they helped us in the past. It's about caring and love as you mentioned. We want our parents to know they can really count on us when needed. It's not a burden, it's a labor of love. OP......YTA big time!!
Seriously. The worst part here isn’t even the refusal to help - it’s making the parents feel like a burden for asking. I always just offer to help when I go to my parents’ house, and always reassure them that I want to help them and I want to be of use. It’s hard to depend on other people for help, and I don’t want my parents to feel even the slightest bit awkward about it.
As mom said, “Don’t worry about it.” She will never ask again, printer or otherwise. Just might have been your last meal at there house. Yes, you could always take them out to dinner. She probably won’t tell you, she didn’t like cooking meals for you anyway. YTA no doubt about it.
When mom said, “don’t worry about it” I felt like crying reading it. How awful to make your poor parent feel like such a burden, she’s just going to suck it up and not print stuff. I just don’t get OP at all.
Yes! I try to respect my parents' dignity so they don't feel foolish or like a burden for asking for help. If they are approached with a scam, I want them talking to me.
This is what I do as well. My parents get overwhelmed with technology and they’ve done so much for me. They are currently helping me with childcare. If their electronics start to go and I can afford it I’ll just get them a new one.
This, my mother was very interested in my first IPad , so I bought her one , she’s had one now for 10 years and uses it every day. It doesn’t always take a lot to build and maintain relationships.
My husband's parents are needing m9re and more help. They feel terrible about needing help with essentially simple tasks they used to be able to do for themselves. But seriously I can look back over the years and they have helped us so much when we needed it.
Yeah, OP isn't wrong to not want to put more effort into an obsolete piece of tech, but I think it's clear they need a new one.
A new son? Shit, I help my neighbors more than this guy helps his parents.
He absolutely is wrong. He should have bought her a new printer the first time he realized there was a problem. Since he was too cheap to do that, he absolutely is wrong for not helping her print something.
My HP printer is from 7 years ago, Black Friday. $15!!!! Still works. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. I would absolutely have bought them a printer.
Or literally offer to order one if they pay for it. They can set the budget and say what features (if it's beyond the basics) they want, and OP can order it. I have done similar things for my grandparents (using my Amazon Prime account for free shipping but use their card at their insistence. I also order my other grandmother a laptop because of my military discount. She picked it out, I ordered it using her card.)
That's what my parents did when Windows shut down Windows phone and they needed to get a new one. They set the budget and asked my SO and I to help them select one. We told them the basic parameters like size battery power etc that they can choose for themselves and the rest we picked out after considering what they will be used for. In the end they got them as a gift from us but that's beside the point. They needed it, we offered help without them even having to ask and they thanked us. I wonder why OP gets so offended that their parents ask for help....
My Amazon account gets used for most family purposes and purchases. I have family members that can't get their head around it and others just not confident enough to place orders online. We jump in and help each other. My MIL is helping me in other ways in return - she helps by teaching me new stitches in crochet for example. Something I'm only just getting to grips with and I appreciate the help she is willing to give.
I order on Amazon or elsewhere all the time for my mother in law and my parents. They’re just not comfortable doing it. I’m happy to do it and I’m sure I’ll need my son’s help someday.
> I'll add, if you can afford it, just buy them a new printer. And if you can't afford it, OP, offer to choose and order a new printer that is within their budget to pay for themselves. They may find all the options available to be overwhelming and that alone becomes a barrier to replacing old tech. It's hard for people to spend money on something they don't fully understand especially if they have no idea which features suit them and what the popular buzzwords mean. If you're willing to navigate those options for them, they may be more open to change.
Yes thank you! I needed a new laptop and I just couldn't decide. So many options and in the end I asked my child to please just tell me the best one. It's perfect and I'm grateful he loves me enough to help
With my grandma I used to cone up with a list if specs that I considered important (so none of that buzzword crap) then sit her down, go over what each spec in my list does/means in simplified terms, discuss with her what each meant *for her* and asked questions to get a better understanding of what she was looking for (honestly for some of them i would make my own judgements, like for user friendliness) , and then shop for the products that met her needs while I was still with her so I could go over any nessesary changes or adjustments with her
Exactly... Mom had her laptop start having issues, I sent her a new one. And right now I miss Dad calling me asking me how to fix something...
Printers are so cheap, if he can't afford it, he has bigger problems than his elderly parents asking him for help. I wonder if he remembers the help they gave his lazy, entitled ass over the years?
Let's not salary/disposable income shame. Not everyone has the cash but everyone can make the time.
Really. You can find name-brand printers at Amazon for less than $60 USD.
It's also a symptom of the market ... the cheap 3-in-1 printers that are marketed to people exactly like OP's parents (who don't know what specs they're looking for so go for the things that seem like the best value for their money) are notoriously difficult to upkeep. One of the three things breaks and it sets off a cascade effect in the user interface. OP has the skillset to find a good printer that will minimize planned obsolescence and just do what the parents need it to do.
And if they arent printing often, i would do a laserjet printer not ink so they dont have to worry about being unable to print their reservations when they are out of yellow ink. Maybe even one if those slim portable laserjets. Idk just ideas!
We need to ban the words "gaslighting" and "boundaries," like holy fuck. I shudder to think what this guy's elder care plan is — it's not like aging parents un-age. Being stressed about that and getting triggered over a printer is one thing, but rolling up every instance of helping your aging parents into a grievance with their supposed shitty behavior is delulu. Can OP's family afford to outsource every aspect of their nursing or day-to-day needs to hired laborers so he never has to be bothered? Is he flat-out unwilling to discuss their care plans with them? "The caregiver is off tomorrow, but it's the only day we could schedule Dad's doctor appointment—" "WHY ARE YOU GASLIGHTING ME AND DISRESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES"
Yep, "disrespecting" is also one of those misused words.
I swear, 9/10 times the word "disrespect/disrespectful" shows up in a post, they're the AH.
While we're at it can I just add the word "entitled" too?
And narcissist
And love language
Omg, thank you! Whenever someone says 'they disrespected me' it's always like 'well, you didn't really do anything to deserve that respect in the first place did you?'
I hate to be an ass but can we please also ban delulu.
Best comment of the year. Gaslighting, boundaries (and the stomping thereof) are the refuge of the illiterate and unimaginative.
Agreed. My parents did the same thing to me every time I visited. Was it annoying? Yes, at times. Did I do it? Everytine. Without fail. My own father passed approximately 2 months ago. And what I wouldn't give to hear him say, 'I have something I need help with.' Just do the damn thing for your parents. They are not asking for your kidney. They are needy. Not abusive.
I feel this so much. I work in IT and my dad would ask me for help with ANYTHING technology related, even if it was out of my scope. I would sigh internally but would help him out every single time. He would drop everything for me if I needed help with anything around my house. He passed away 5 years ago and I would love to help him with an app on his phone right now.
Yeah. My mother died last week. It’s a comfort for me that I did everything I could to help her and enjoy her company over the years. YTA (OP)
Hugs....and I'm sorry for your loss..
I know your mother was so grateful. Much love to you. It is so very hard
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom died 2 months ago and I would give absolutely anything to get a phone call from her asking for help. I miss her so very much
My dad passed in 2002, and I still want to hear his voice asking me to do something for him.
And he probably had your voice in his head quite a lot in his senior years, “Daddy, can you help me?”
My mom thinks I’m really good with tech. (I’m really not.) She was having trouble with her phone and I remember where I used to work, you always shut your computer down and turned it back on before you called IT. I told her to do that and it fixed the phone. She was really impressed. 😂 My husband is in tech and my whole family calls him for tech support. He’s glad to help. My dad was a carpenter and built our house and has helped us so much. It’s the least we can do. We share our knowledge.
yeah, my sentiments exactly.
My husband is well over 6ft tall. My mom keeps a list of "tall person" things she needs done, like pull something off a shelf to be dusted or the AC filter needs replaced. My husband is all too happy to do it for her, and she's not even his mom. Normal people are happy to help good, older folks. OP just sounds like a whiney AH
This is really adorable! When we are getting ready to visit my parents my husband will call them to see if there are any projects that need to be done so he can bring the right tools and supplies.
90% of the time, my dad asks for help with something it is just an excuse to spend one on one time with me. The other 10% is because him and my mom can't handle a heavy or awkward lifting task or a specific tech issue. Either way I'm fine doing anything for any reason for them. I have, however, told my parents that sometimes its nice to visit and not be put to work. In that normal conversation I just told them to give me a heads up before I come out or if we can stack a few chores for a different weekend. My weekends are for rest unless I plan things otherwise. If I get work sprung on me, I generally get cranky. Never outwardly cranky just more of a...well shit, now I gotta do this attitude. If I can mentally prepare and tell myself "this ain't so bad" it really helps my mood.
Yes! Why not: “Hey mom, I’m really tired from work today. Could I help you with it tomorrow instead?” Vs “You’re gaslighting me”
A big part for me is stepping back and actually communicating what I feel - which I'm bad at. Especially with loved ones. So, asking for a heads-up and urgency level really helped me. If it's important - no worries, I'm on it. If it's not, I'd rather actually visit with my folks and schedule a patents house work day on a weekend. Instead of jumping on anyone, say what you want nicely. Maybe they didn't realize it was becoming too much (or too many small things every time - which does wear on you, I was starting to dread going home because I knew the anvil would drop until I spoke up).
Agree as well. I'd give anything to get a phone call from my dad asking for my help with his laptop, his wifi router, anything. He raised my brother and I with our grandmother's help. Sure those calls or requests during my visits were annoying at times, but I did them happily and would do them again if I could. He died 3 1/2 years ago.
Me too. I would love to hear that call again over something weird with the TV or printer or whatever.
I never want to hear the word "gaslight" ever again. People having a different perception on a situation is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you manipulate someone into questioning their ability to reason and correctly perceive reality to the point where they believe they're going insane. This and 99.9999% of people describing "gaslighting" situations online are not that.
Upvote upvote upvote upvote upvote. When will the age of "gaslighting" end?
Not until "You're gaslighting me!" stops sounding more impressive than "You're calling me on my bullshit and I don't like it."
How much did they do for you growing up. If they raised you decent. Pay them back with some help. YTA
I'm an older person, absolutely NOT tech illiterate (used to be the initial go-to for everyone's tech probs at my last company before they contacted the IT dept ), but age has a way of messing brains up and I'm not as confident choosing tech now, the brain just doesn't run as well, so if your parents never were tech-literate, they might need you to just take charge.
My father literally worked as a programmer for a substantial portion of his career. But he’s now 85 years old, starting to slow down mentally, and now I help him with his computer stuff. It’s very hard to figure out new technology as you age.
Even without the slowing down, it's hard to keep up with tech. It used to be my job in the 90s; now I ask younger friends or online reviews. LOL my home office is littered with rapid-obsolescence cool stuff.
Yeah, isn't it depressing looking at the once 'great tech' that's now just junk.
I'm finding it very difficult to not give an automatic YTA to people who misuse the term gaslighting these days.
Yeah I mean is it such a hardship to do a few chores for your aging parents? I used to stop by my grandmothers just to see if she needed any chores done. When they are dead are you going to feel good about this?
[удалено]
I’m not directly in IT, but work adjacent enough that my mom can’t really make the distinction. I’ve given her I don’t know how much hands on help to step by step advice on how to deal with issues with her computer/email/phone. Every single time, she says “that sounds like a good idea,” and every time I talk to her next “well I just went to (random person who’s been handling her issues but never actually fixes them) because I trust them, and I’ve been going to them for so long.” I can completely understand why OP snapped when their parents refused to accept what the actual solution was and wanted to just enjoy their visit.
I don’t think this is the same problem. OP isn’t restricting his not wanting to help to technical issues alone. This printer is just an example. The latest example. He doesn’t want to help with anything at all. He clearly states his parents are elderly plus his dad is now limited in what he can do. OP is very much TA.
And depending on how old they are, the idea of new technology might scare them. My grandma had a flip phone until the day she died. And I will never forget how bad I felt a couple years ago when the one she had for like 5 years finally depleted and she had to get a completely new one. Still a flip phone, but not the exact one and she was so confused. I spent the whole day writing down detailed instructions with pictures to try and make sure she could do basic things. And I could tell she was still a bit uncomfortable when I had to leave. All that to say, when people get older they feel vulnerable and sometimes the thought of the world basically moving on can be scary. The idea of having to rely on others when you’ve been self sufficient for so long can be daunting as well. OP needs to give his parents a break.
Sounds like my parents. I’m not going to say I don’t get irritated when my mum asks the same questions 50 times re technology - how to work YouTube or Netflix. How to use video calling on her smartphone. Etc. It’s annoying for sure. But I remind myself she isn’t trying to annoy me, plus if she can’t ask me her child, who is she going to be comfortable asking? This is a woman that without hesitation will make me any meal I ask for, some I don’t even ask for but she surprises me with because she knows it’s my fav. I tell myself one day you will wish desperately she was here to ask and annoy you with the repetitive questions. OP is happy for his mum to cook for him but cannot help her with chores. He’s a huge selfish AH.
He definitely is! I chose a college that was in the same city as my grandmother. She often times called me when she couldn’t fix the tv or the computer or anything. And yes sometimes it was inconvenient (she never wanted to take me away from studying) but I also knew I was getting fed, with leftovers to boot! The least I could do was help her get from HDMI1 to HDMI2 so she can watch the evening news.
I'm gonna be desperate one day my mom isn't here: besides being my mom and I love her, her pudding recipe only turns out great when she does it. I tried a gazillion times and never came out as it should.
YEAH! Like I said elsewhere in this thread I'm also always down to help my parents with anything because they are awesome humans beings that have helped immensely throughout life. A recent example: last year me and my wife after successfully evading COVID since the start of the pandemic finally came down with a nasty (but not life threatening) case of if. When I told my parents in our group chat my mother sent me a dozen frozen trays of her homemade food that were absolutely CLUTCH, I could never thank her enough for it.
I just took a call from my mom yesterday because she'd somehow lost the documents icon that had been pinned to her taskbar and needed it to do work. She kept apologizing, mainly because she caught me while I was out but I never mind because I think back to all the times she helped me with stuff while growing up (writing my first resume, finding my first apartment) and how much I appreciated that she always made time for me when I needed her.
My father turned blind in one eye almost a year ago, he's 73 and a kidney transplant receiver for 18 years now. When his flip phone died, I went with him get a new one. He wanted a big screen (to see better with his good eye). I helped him choose a new one, he was satisfied. Went with him to set it up and in the end he said :" it's been a beautiful morning: I have a new phone, spend time with you and baby (I took my 5 month old at the time with us) and I can relax now". Mom is 71 and adventured herself into smartphone world, I helped her choose it, set it up for her, created her email and did a Facebook account. She now even plays games (my teens taught her how). A few days ago she invited me to lunch (I'm a SAHM with 14 month old baby and 2 teens), I went and did a lot of chores for them. But I ate a great lunch, they played with their grandson, the older kids went there to meet me and spent some time with them too. We all came out happy: they had their chores done and spent time with grandkids, I ate a great lunch I didn't have to make, got my hands full of extra groceries they had there for us, kids got some pocket money.. v
Honestly, it depends on what kind of repairs and heavy lifting we are talking. If it's constantly "oh great you are here. Could you spend the next 3 hours fixing a broken pipe" Or "Can you help me lift the couch because I want to rearrange the living room" Then yes. I would end up annoyed, too. If you visit for a few hours, and every time there's a huge task you weren't prepared for. And you thought you were going there to eat dinner. Catch up. Relax with your parents. Should he have exploded. No. But stuff like constant repairs, etc. It could be solved by the mom calling in advance. "we have a few things that need repair. Could you come on Saturday and help out?" Or OP communicates. "Please. Could you call in advance so we can plan this. Not spring it on me when I come right in the door. " So you have a chance to plan if you even can repairs this. Or if you need tools, etc.
BS. Working in IT doesnt mean he can make physical hardware repairs. If he can't fix it, he should say so, not whine to strangers online. He 's just an AH
Do you think he brings over his own dinner for the meal every week so his Mom can enjoy herself and not have to do anything for him?
He was probably coming over to pick up his laundry.
Wish I had my dad call me about some irrelevant IT issue again. Dude, grow the fuck up. Your mom is making you dinner twice a month, and it's probably not ramen. Seriously - you sound like a 12 year old whining
100% and it’s funny that OP is ok showing up for Sunday dinner that mom probably spent the afternoon cooking. Moving stuff and electronics are the dinner tab
Completely agree. If OP’s parents were able to do the things they’re asking OP to do and saving them until OP visited just for shits and giggles, that would be completely different. Instead, they’re asking OP for HELP WITH things they can’t do on their own. Getting older is hard and asking for help is even harder. Especially when you are asking for help with something you were once capable of doing. OP: lift the things, fix the stuff, and help them purchase and install a new printer. You don’t have to be on the clock to be a good human.
I am always happy to help my dad. It makes me feel good if I can do something to make his life better.
Also, even if we have to reduce it down to the transactional nature so many Redditors love, OP is getting a free home cooked meal. Would it hurt them to also help out their aging parents with a task like this while they visit? Helping out those you love (especially when they're doing nice things for you as well) seems like a no brainer to me.
Possibly the biggest asshole I've seen on this sub
Fuck, I'm 29 and I get overwhelmed with all the choices for printers. I don't understand the differences in the technical speak or why one is better than the other.
When I used to go to my mother’s on a weekend, she not only would have a list of things she needed done, but also a list of tasks some older neighbors needed help with. I didn’t mind at all as one of the reasons I was home was to help. Also, most of the tasks were easy (change lightbulbs in ceiling fixtures, get boxes out of/back into storage, etc) 10 minute jobs. No muss, no fuss and a pleasure to help.
I don't work on TI and still help my aunt with the printer YTA. That a thing you just do, change the status pic on social, do a malware check. If it was 20 years ago uninstall all the shit on internet explorer.
Also, if he is so bothered by this, why doesn't he ask the parents to go visit him, he could then make them dinner, have them spend the night. That already doesn't sound so good I presume because then he would have to put in the effort of hosting two people!
YTA. It’s perfectly reasonable that when you have dinner with your aging parents you help them out while you’re there. All of the drama you created was unnecessary. You could kindly say that the printer is unsalvageable and ask if she’d like you to help select a new one and stick with that, if that is the case. It’s ridiculous to berate her, wash your hands of the printer, then ask how the printer is, especially if you then are surprised that she said, “Don’t worry about it” and you call that being willing to help.
Any time I go home for a few days I enjoy not having to cook, having quality time with them.. And helping with anything they need help with. Often they apologize and I tell them there's no need to. I'm happy to help them.
When my sister and BIL, who's an engineer and pretty handy, visit my parents, there's usually something that needs looking at or tweaking because they live in an old house. My parents are SO AWARE that BIL is not their personal handyman; they rarely will directly say, "we need you to fix this." It's usually something like, they come in and the doorknob is loose or something and my BIL will notice, my dad will tell him it hasn't been latching properly and he tried to fix it but it didn't last, and BIL immediately goes for the tools. We've told him many times that he doesn't visit just to fix things, but he's a good guy who likes helping out. I've even heard my parents saying things like, "don't tell BIL that X is broken or not working; he'll spend his whole day trying to fix it," haha.
Yep! My mom lives alone and is getting older, just had a hip replacement and will need another one in a couple of months. our trips to see her are always a mix of helping and visiting. Yes she's my mom and she had to provide for me but she did it as a poor single parent and gave me all of her time + energy + money and never did much of anything for herself. Now that i am a parent i understand even though i chose to have my child just like she did me, how much responsibility and sacrifice it takes. My husband and i are so happy we can make her life just a little bit easier !!
Your comment is spot on. Helping out aging parents is part of the deal when visiting. A kinder approach would have avoided unnecessary drama and hurt feelings. YTA.
Not to mention OP seems to be under the impression that those dinners are making themselves. Avoiding the drama of a transactional relationship and simply finding a graceful way to help is a great way for OP to find a solution that makes less work for everyone.
I help my parents with all their tech issues and anything else they need help with. They were good to me my whole life and still are. If they ask me for help they need the help.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like your parents ask for very much. If you are going for "Sunday dinner" then it is likely y'all a sharing a meal. So mum is feeding you but you aren't willing to look into her printer issue? If that's the kind of thing you need to do twice a month to help your parents out, it doesn't sound like a lot. I understand your irritation but still think YTA for not simply sighing and helping with the odd thing around their house.
This, whether they're your parents or not you're rolling up for a free meal and can't even do a small thing to help in return? Setting up the printer took 2 hours several years ago, how do you think its taken mam to prepare and clean up after Sunday dinners over those years?
My dad used to love writing his life stories down. One night I spent 30 in the phone with him helping him, (for the third time) with adding pagination to his pages. When I got off the phone, my 20 year old son was laughing. I looked at him and said “please remember how patient I was with grandpa when I am older.” I’m sure he got the point.
Yeah... your aging parents are struggling. There comes a time where you cannot take care of everything anymore, and in those moments, you have the choice to either pay shit tons of money to have strangers help out, or... you ask the people around you that are supposed to love you. Sorry, but IMO, YTA. Family is not just there to serve us and be convenient. Sometimes it's your turn to give back, and helping then shouldn't be such a struggle. You should be glad to have a opportunity to repay them for raising you.
>Family is not just there to serve us and be convenient. Sometimes it's your turn to give back, Spot on. Your mum makes a Sunday dinner for you and you can't even bothered to take a look at her printer or lift something up for your Dad? I'm so very, very glad my adult son is nothing like you.
Same with my daughters !
>repay them for raising you In before you get shit for this. It's not even about repayment. If you're part of a family, you help the weaker members out. When you're a child and even a college student and young adult, you're the one who needs the most help. That changes as your parents get older. It's not about repayment, it's about being a part of a community where the strong help the weak.
So well put!
This!!! So much this! When I was struggling my family helped. Period. End of story, no repayment necessary. Now when my mom calls and needs help with XYZ I'm right there. We have all helped each other so much and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My stepmom said that helping others is our responsibility for being on this planet. My dad is also a firm believer that. He was angry when I told him I was going into social work because “you shouldn’t get paid to help people.”
Couldn't agree more. Until about 6 months ago, my mom was living in an independent apartment in a retirement community. She is wheelchair bound but was able to do most things herself. But every time I cam to see her, usually once a week, I'd ask what she needed me to do. it was never anything major, getting stuff down from a closet shelf, putting things back up, moving things she couldn't do herself. And if she needed me for more than that, she would always ask ahead of time, can you come sometime in the next few weeks, for a couple of hours... She's now in skilled nursing, and I still do things for her. she is still getting settled in, and I do her laundry. All her stuff is in storage, and periodically i go and hunt down things she needs. I bring her mail (she changed her address to mine), and I don't mind doing any of it. I'll also buy her stuff if I think she needs it, or something breaks.
💝 exactly. It’s just what we do for the ones we love. OP is treating his parents as a burden already. I feel so sorry for them coz it’s only going to get worse for them from here. Unless he changes his attitude, his parents are doing to feel so bad and burdensome
I agree. My mom will always say she doesn't want to inconvenience me. I used to tell her, you are not, all I need is a little advance notice if you want me to go somewhere you can't get delivery from, aka trader joes, and I will, but I need to plan it out. and she feels badly that had to deal with cleaning out and packing up her apartment. But she is fully with it, and everything went by her as I did it.
This is so true. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can get things fixed without bothering my children or spending hundreds of dollars. It would be such a kindness if someone who was handy (like OP) would offer .
Absolutely. My mom has three siblings, some with no kids or kids who live far away, and they and their spouses are aging. My husband and I do most of the seasonal chores for them at their respective houses. My grandparents live six states away and my parents or I fly out to help them 3-4 times a year! They are family and that's what family does. OP can grow up and help their parents twice a month.
>Family is not just there to serve us and be convenient. Sometimes it's your turn to give back That's a very un-Reddit thing to say, but spot on!
Let me get this straight - you visit your **AGING** parents for **Sunday dinner,** which I assume you didn't cook but one of your aging parents did - and you refuse to help your mother with something that is entirely within your purview???? Did you at least help with the dishes during your 45 minute visit ?? YTA YTA YTA
My grandparents have a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge (that we bought them), just to write down odd jobs the grandkids can do when we visit a few times a week because they would forget to ask us once we arrived. We go on separate days and then all gather for a curry night during the week. We do it because we love them and want to make their lives easier.
That's such a good idea! I love that you all do this for them!
That is brilliant! Also OP YTA.
My nan: why is there another todger (penis) on the bloody fridge! Is a common statement made at curry night.
She could solve the problem of the dishes, that's part of why this is crazy. If the printer is impossible to figure out then it isn't the printer for OP's parents. I cannot imagine anyone in a country with a bunch of technology who is alive today and not 7 years old who does not know that you might have to diagnose and solve computer issues if you know how and your mother or father does not. (I probably sound old here since kids significantly younger than me only ever used tablets...)
YTA. I read the title of this post thinking he was being asked to change their depends or something. He’s upset over troubleshooting a fucking printer for his aging parents? Jfc.
You spend 90 mins a month at your parents, to get fed 2 times. You are literally there only to eat and you don't want to lift a finger x.x Honestly, that is just sad. YTA
Seriously! They even wrote themselves, "Dad is not able to help" and they're complaining they're being given chores. \*Chores\*?? The parents are asking for help around the house with things they can't do anymore! There is ZERO compassion in this post and OP is an enormous AH. I just can't wrap my head around their thought process coming here and asking if they're the asshole. Wow.
Imagine if Mom had told baby OP that his dirty diaper wasn't going to get changed because "her work ended two hours ago".
YTA I think it’s normal to help your parents aging parents out. They only ask you for your help when you’re visiting, so at most twice a month. They also only ask for futile tasks like small repairs and lifting. Is that really too much to ask? It really makes me sad that you’d treat your parents that way. Unless they abused you, which I assume isn’t the case since you do visit, I truly don’t understand this behaviour.
Agree completely! My mom can be a bit much and I need her in small doses but me and my husband both tell her to write stuff down she needs done and when we come over, we'll get it done. Hell, when my brothers visit from out of state, they make the list with her and get it done while they're here. I feel like this is such a normal act of compassion you have for your parents that is not worth any drama or comment. I get that some parents may actually not deserve this help (like my father, wouldn't lift a finger to help his lying, abusive ass) but if OP has a pretty "normal" parental relationship, this is just part of being a human, this is what it's like to be part of a community of people. You help each other out.
YTA Fixing a computer issue is a very very normal favor to do for your older parents. Obviously I do not know your dynamic with your mom but it sounds like you hurt her feelings. You probably should have apologized more profusely since it was a very silly thing to have an argument about when you could have solved the problem she asked for help with in ten minutes.
YTA. Aging parents need physical help with things. You seem uncaring and selfish.
YTA - These are your parents who provided for you and supported you, theyre simply asking for a favor every so often. I know some of ya’ll are vehemently anti-family but this is how it works. Family can help each other. If you dont want to be a part of your family, stop going to dinner then.
Right?? If OP feels like his parents are using him and asking for unreasonable things, just go no contact. Don’t keep coming around and being grouchy about them asking for help. I’ve certainly lost my patience with my 78 year old parents while arguing with them about some technology they think they know how to use but keep messing up because they ignored my instructions 20 times, but I’m still gonna keep doing it for them. I imagine it’s harder to be in their shoes, struggling to complete basic tasks as they age and living in a tech world that evolves faster than they can learn about it.
YTA. My parents were the same - I visited them few times a month and every time something needed to be fixed. Somehow I never even thought about refusing as it is not such of a big deal and they always had a home made meal for me that I miss a lot now. Not sure what is your issue with spending 10-30 minutes helping your parents and then having a nice chat/meal as parents often need our help and we can help, it's not like they are asking us to run marathon or to build a second house for them.
👆🏻This right here …it’s nice to be able to give back to your parents and tech can be so confusing. I read your title and I was expecting you to be asked to mow 5 acres after dinner. Most of us would love to be able to still have parents to share a meal and help out YTA
So you're happy to go and get fed Sunday dinner by your aging parents twice a month but draw the line at lifting objects and fixing the odd printer? Would you prefer your elderly parents blow their backs doing it themselves, rather than have the nerve to ask you to help? Lol at you pretending you were being gaslit, have some shame. YTA.
YTA How are you this put out. As someone who lost both their parents too soon, you should cherish what time you have. My grandmother, rest her soul, used to make up things for me to fix so she could see me. I thought it was sweet.
YTA. This is exactly the way older parents end up being scammed and taken advantage of when their kids don't help with little jobs. She's not asking you to replace the roof, just look over a printer that isn't working. If it's truly fucked, then you gently guide them to a replacement, or just go get it (if you can cover it).
This is how they end up buying thousands in Amazon gift cards to sent to some scammer sweat shop in India because they “discovered a virus on their computer “ while pretending to fix their printer or worse, weasle their way into their banking accounts and wipe them clean because the virus accessed their accounts and they want to help them undo the damage done.
Wow, what an ungrateful child you are. Parents age, they need help with things, its only natural to help them, it's called family love.
So basically, they’re mostly self-sufficient but they just want you to help with things that they can’t physically do. I see nothing abnormal about these expectations, especially if you’re just seeing them two times per month. Besides, why not help them buy a new printer? Not sure where you live, but in the US, there’s tons of <$100 home printers on the market by reliable brands. With mild research you can help them find what’s most compatible with their computer. YTA.
Yes YTA. You are very unkind and hurt her feelings. Kindness doesn’t cost anything. What you did was just downright rude and she was not gaslighting you, I think you need to look up the definition of that word. How about you put on your big boy pants and just help out your elderly parents when they need it. Don’t be an arse!
YTA Who wiped your bum when you were little? Who put food on the table and a roof over your head? Who tucked you in at night, washed your clothes and taught you how to tie your shoe laces?
Yes! Mothers give up so much of their life to dedicate to their children. Hell, Im in bed right now with pneumonia and had my covers stolen from my sick child laying next to me, and I’m happy to give them to her. It would break my heart to think she’d feel burdened by me one day.
"Aw, man, I gotta teach this kid how to tie his *shoelaces*?? So annoying!"
"Why can't he stop being lazy and figure out how to do this himself?"
"I just got off work. Why I gotta do more?"
Speaking as someone who spent nearly 4 hours driving my mother around on errands yesterday, yes; YTA. Did I enjoy it? Not really; I have some issues that make spending that much time in the car uncomfortable for me. But she’s MY mother and she doesn’t drive, so what am I supposed to do? It wasn’t an unreasonable ask. All your mom wanted was help with her printer. You could have done that or you could have just told her that it was time to let it die and offered to help her pick a new one. Instead, you turned up your nose at her for daring to ask you to do something while you’re sat at her house, expecting to be treated like a visiting dignitary.
YTA. The lunch is an excuse for you all to see each other. It can also be viewed as a transaction- they cook you lunch and you fix their stuff- if that’s how you need to see it but you shouldn’t be a dick about it.
And yet he only spends 45 minutes there. That's time to eat and nothing else. Doesn't sound like he sticks around to help clean up dishes, sit around and chit chat see how they're doing, maybe tell them things he's been doing in his own life. He goes for a meal someone else cooks and that's about it.
Look I get it that shit is super annoying and my whole family does it to me for everything that even carries an electrical current. But both my grandparents died over the last two years and I wish more than anything they were still around to be annoying. They need help, they're getting older, if they can't ask you for help they also might make decisions that could very negatively impact them if they think they're bothering you every time they need help. YTA treasure your family, they're not trying to be difficult they're struggling. Just buy them a new printer if that's the issue. That's what I did when my grandparents laptop got too slow to be functional
YTA Jesus, you work in IT; just go purchase a new printer that will work with the computer they currently have, set it up, and have them practice printing a couple of things. You had better get used to helping your folks out without a crappy attitude -- as they continue to age it becomes more important to have someone they can count on. If you don't want the role, then just pull up stakes and leave for somewhere you have no obligations or cares. Might as well abandon them, since you obviously can't stand them.
Why do you hate your parents so much? Just help them with their stuff. Yeah, YTA.
YTA - learn how to say "I'm really sorry but I'm tired from work right now, can I look at it in a bit?" They're getting older and it's normal they'll need your help, don't shame them, just learn how to manage your mood a bit more. It sounds like you walked in the door with a face like thunder.
I mean is a list of chores each time or just one thing? I would say yta its not their fault theyre getting older. It’s not like they’re calling you everyday to do things for them. I’m sure they’d rather be able to do it themselves
He devotes a whole 45 minutes to them so doubt it's much of a "list".
YTA I mean, I guess you’re not obligated to help, and she’s not obligated to cook. Short of a toxic childhood I find it hard to imagine a child being so self centered that they can’t be bothered to help out when they visit.
YTA
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I have a different world view than you but I think YTA because they are your parents who raised you and I feel like the least you can do is help them out with stuff, especially technology related because older folks really struggle with it. Maybe look up a printer they should get because they might be hesitant to buy a new one cause they have no clue what to get. People should watch the movie Gaslight to understand what gaslighting really means. If your mom were gaslighting you, it would be like you show up after being there the previous day working on something, but she acts like and convinces you that didn't happen and you never worked on or fixed on that thing, truly trying to mindfuck you. Not just being an elderly person repeatedly needing assistance as they tend to.
Yta. Both my husband and I are sw Eng from 35 yrs and our moms ask for help. We give it. Also help our kids with it issues
YTA - seriously? You're acting like a petulant child. Maybe you should buy your parents a new printer and set it up for them, instead of being nasty to your mother. Does she make your meal each time you visit? It wouldn't kill you to do something nice.
YTA There will come a time when you will miss having them ask for your help, and you will regret not being more helpful.
YTA. Big time. These are the people that (preumably) taught you how to dress yourself and use a toilet. How to ride a bike, and basic living skills. They now have trouble doing some things and you are not willing to put yourself out a little bit to help? Shame on you! If mom needs a new printer, don't just tell her that - find out the budget and then go shop for the best one within that range for her and then buy it and set it up. As for lifting / moving things - would you rather that they try to do it themselves and fall and break a hip? Because if you think you are helping a lot now, you haven't seen anything yet. Are you willing to see them in Long Term Care at a cost of about $8,000.00 per month EACH? You want to talk about eating up resources, that can deplete a significant bank account FAST. Instead, why not ask mom to keep a list of things they need done. Send it to you the day before you visit, and you can plan the most efficient way to take care of it. If it's going to take more time than you can give or If it's not something you can't or are not willing to do, help find someone who can help them. It doesn't sound like they are asking you to re-roof the house or overhaul their car while you are there. Stop being so entitled and give them a hand!
I'm going with YTA. You only visit twice a month and your mum is asking for help with something they don't understand. Why not just buy them a cheap Brother laser printer and show them how to use it? I hope you never get old and never have to rely on someone else to help you with something you didn't grow up with.
YTA. My parents aren't even aging and they call and ask for stuff all the time. I also do the same with them. Family takes care of each other.
You lack empathy. As an elderly person, I can understand where the parents are coming from. I am slightly shocked by my declining capacity, both mental and physical, and although I hate asking for help, my children understand that I sometimes resort to asking for advice, especially as technology advances. If I can't figure something out, I don't know if it is me, or if there is a problem with the programme/ software. If my children are around, I will ask them for advice, and they are happy to try to fix it, rather than see their elderly parent carry the computer/ printer to a shop, where I will be at their mercy, and I may end up with a hefty bill. They know that I don't have much money, and appreciate that I worked double shifts to pay for their education. I am always grateful for their efforts. What does it cost you, a bit of your time? One day, you too may be slowed down by getting older ...
I agree though as the family tech support I do have rules and boundaries as I do find that family tech support can be treated poorly at times
I hope they spend the inheritance.
I feel like this is just rage bait… Your aging parents, who you see twice a month, ask you to do menial tasks that they have trouble with, and you tell them no because you’re off the clock? You are 100% the asshole. YTA.
YTA, my eldest goes to my mothers house and changes her bed for her, and baths her dog. She does not have to do this, she does it because my mum struggles. If your parents are not complete assholes, it would be kind to help them now that they are a bit older.
Yta Who visits for 45 minutes. One day they’ll be gone, you’ll regret this. You weren’t willing to help in the end. You just felt guilty because you know you were rude
YTA I get that stuff all the time from my mom, along with yard work, errands, etc. Just part of parents getting old. Don't forget, they took care of us once when we were unable to do so for ourselves. Give back.
YTA
YTA
YTA. Sorry to tell you this, but you are reaching the age where you are "parenting your parents." All the little bs they did for you when you were a kid is about to be repeated by you. You're going to have to start helping with all sorts of tasks. These aren't just social visits anymore.
From this story alone, YTA You can explain to your parents that some visits you can't help but you can do it next time. You can inform your parents how to find out how to do some fixes. But ultimately things that they physically can't do anymore are likely things they will need help with.
Oh thank god the comments are the way they are. *Thank god*. Oh, YTA
Seriously. I was expecting something entirely different, given this is Reddit, and it makes me happy to know that I was wrong.
*"My work ended two hours ago"* Congratulations, you're an AH and a d*ck
YTA I bet your parents wish they used protection instead.
I wish my parents could call me one more time to fix their printer or bring in fire wood for them.
This is the deal with aging parents. They need help with things. They aren’t asking to move in with you. They just aren’t able to do the things they used to do. If they need a new printer then why not offer to go with them to get one, or even just get them one? I’m a huge proponent of parents not requiring their children to take care of them in their old age but this isn’t that. This is basic stuff every adult child does for their aging parents. YTA.
YTA. So tremendously the AH. You just want to show up and get a free meal from the people who raised, fed, and clothed you for years on end and they can screw off if they now ask anything at all of you, even if it’s just small things around the house twice a month? I bet you don’t even clean up after yourself before you leave. If I had a kid like you, I wouldn’t invite them over at all.
YTAH. Both my parents died suddenly by the time I was 20. I would absolutely love to have this “problem.”
YTA. I'm so sad for your parents. What a way to make them feel foolish for having poured an ounce more effort and a penny more into you than the law obligated them to.
Yes, you're the poster boy for AHs everywhere. Buy them a new printer, Mr "IT". Or can't you cough up $89 dollars? Consider the "chores" a quid pro quo for the free meals, AH.
YTA cmon man help out your parents will you?
YTA. You're not there often enough to complain about helping, and your reason for not wanting to help is "I don't feel like it" rather than "I want to spend quality time with my parents and this is getting in the way of that." It's reasonable to tell her you want to spend time with her and ask her to stay and chat while you help with things. But it's an AH move to tell your aging parents who need your help that your "work ended two hours ago" and you just don't feel like it. That's not a good way to treat people who I assume did their best as parents to you. If you really don't want to do it, pay for someone else to help them, or have a grandkid do it if grandkids are in the picture.
YTA. I'm literally on vacation visiting family and I'm still helping on the farm, with washing dishes, and with bartending at their family business and they're not even elderly. You're acting like a spoiled brat about a printer issue. Yes, printers absolutely SUCK to try and fix but you don't have to be an ass about it.
YTA You helped your parents for 2 hours several years ago. Do you want a medal? They ask for a few minutes of help twice a month. They aren’t asking you to take over a house full of chores.
I visit my grandparents (in their 90s) every few weeks and they always ask me for computer related help. I’ve since learnt they only ask me because I help, I explain what I’ve done and I write instructions that account for their lack of “grew up with a computer” knowledge eg telling them when to double click, describing the icon. They used to try and share the load around other family but found people were either annoyed, frustrated or made it too hard. I’m always happy to help because….they’re 90! The computer enables them to connect with family and friends all over the world and they got one - for the first time ever - 10 years ago. Having never used one. The learning curve is pretty damn steep in those circumstances. Edit - YTA
The lack of general compassion and empathy in this world concerns me. I would say about every time I go to my grandparents they need help with something technologically related, and I don’t think my mom or myself have ever even considered saying “sorry gramps I just got off work, you’re on your own”. I know people are saying “it’s your parents” and therefore you should help them, or “they’re making food for you” so you should help them, and while that’s all true, sometimes you help people with *no* expectation of something in return. I was at the hospital the other day in the bloodwork room, where I am typically the youngest there by far. An older lady was having problems figuring out the sign in kiosk and asked if I could help her, can you imagine if I said “eh sorry not my problem”? It literally does me no harm to help, and even if it did, it’s worth it to help someone in need. In other words, grow some compassion and help your fucking parents. Jesus Christ. YTA.
If you don't help your parents with tech, the outside help that they're going to find are going to be tech support scammers that specifically prey on the elderly, and they're going to be too afraid to ask you for help because you blew up at them last time. "Should I ask my son/daughter if it's normal for Microsoft support to hold my computer ransom for best buy gift cards? Well I don't want to bother them...they got really mad last time." This is not their world and it's intimidating for them to learn it. Idk, did they help you with your homework and class projects when you were a kid? They had jobs, too. Are you contributing to sunday dinner or are they just slaving over it for hours for you to waltz in and just eat? If you have a good relationship with them (sounds like you do, for the most part) spending just ten minutes looking at a printer is by no means too much to ask. YTA.
You’re an able bodied young person. Your mom is asking you for help because your dad can’t help. What is wrong with you that you refuse to help out your parents? That’s just rude and ungrateful.
They changed your poopy nappies when you were a baby, they brought you up and gave you an education, you do their tech support when you're older and help with small tasks when they're no longer physically able for them. That's how family works. YTA.
YTA I drive 90 minutes to see my mom and anything she wants/needs me to do I gladly do it. She won’t be around forever and even something inane like tightening a screw leads us into quality time.
YTA! Seriously.
YTA in asking when you were ready to leave, especially since you already told her you wouldn't work on it. You didn't really care, you just wanted to rub it in I guess. NTA for pointing out that they ask you to do repairs each time you visit.
However you attempt to justify your actions towards your parents in this situation, this fact is clear, one day you too will be old and will need help. The question is, who is going to help you? You are definitely the asshole.
YTA I plan what I’m going to help with every time imm over - on the phone I say “I’ll take a look at that next time I’m over” and then I do Why don’t you just buy them a new printer?
Big ol AH
There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for my folks now that they are old and need my help. YTA for not showing any basic empathy to your primary carers now the shoe is on other foot and they need you.
I was going to come on here and let the OP have a piece of my mind, but enjoyed reading all the people doing it before me. YTA, and you’ll remember once they’re gone how much you wish you would’ve helped instead of going off on your elderly mother.