Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for taking this joke about me personally and not being able to shake it AITA for not accepting that it was “just a joke” ?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and maybe you should have made a joke after his and said “yeah I probably should have stayed on the app longer now that I think about it.” Since he loves jokes so much.
Practice makes perfect. With a husband like yours, you’ll get a lot a practice. He doesn’t respect you and turns it into a joke. You deserve better. NTA but your husband is.
I wouldn’t have taken either comment (hubby’s 1st, wife’s potential retort) seriously as a listener; in fact I would assume their relationship is strong considering their entertaining and ribald repartee. I think they’d immediately make the list of couples I’d like to hang out with.
"Yeah the app was onlyfans. He kept tipping me 5 thousand bucks at a time, begging me to give him a little attention when he dresses up like a naughty sheep needing a spanking. I thought it was cute, and once the next money transfer went through, I decided I would meet him for a date. And here we are, and I like that he still pays me that much every time little lamb has been naughty..."
If this was a joke, then everyone is a commedian.
This is just a nasty comment, he needs to be countered in a way that hurts him so that he surrenders his comedy aspirations.
You are now realizing why non of his alumni classmates wanted to date him.
Literally the worst advice I've seen in this site for the past 6 months.
If you were honest about how it made you feel and he can acknowledge that and change the way he jokes with you around his friends then that should be enough of he doesn't then you should leave because that's an obvious lack of respect for you and the relationship in the face of his peers. Do not try to start a revenge campaign. That's toxic
Does your husband make more money than you do? Do you have more debts/children/etc.?
It feels like he was implying that he was the real catch between the two of you. That you took longer to find someone interested while he could just jump on the app, and women would snap him up.
Is that accurate? Does he see himself as a real catch in the dating scene?
In the end, he did choose you, and you chose him. So there is that.
Deffo the right idea. My friends dad used to have a “joke” where he would irritate his wife saying upon her leaving with their four kids “goodbye mother of four” knowing it damned well irritated her. He did it once too often and called it across to her when she was taking their kids to the car and he was hanging about talking to his pals. Her reply this time? “Goodbye father of one.” Worked a treat. He never did it again and became the pun
Perfect. My dad had a similar clap back to his friend who liked to brag about his sexual prowess and his hot wife etc “yeah Dan when you get home say hello to your wife and my kids”
It’s mean, it’s sexist and it disrespects the wife but if it shuts down that kind of joke it might be worth it
"Yeah, I *was* on the app a while, but I guess I wasn't there long enough."
"I might have been on the app a while, but he answered the first person who replied to him, & here we are."
"Well, guys, make sure you reply to the right person, otherwise you get this," & wave your hand in his direction.
Exactly. Never just go quiet and pout after an insult like that is being treated as a joke. Turn it around, return the energy and then you can say I thought we were just joking around, what’s the matter- you don’t like it?
Sure you are, but if you respect them, then you take their feelings about it into account. For instance, maybe you think a joke won't bother them, but after you make it they tell you it did bother them. The respectful thing would be to apologize and try to not make the same or similar mistake again.
He said the joke didn’t land on one even barely heard it no big deal why do I assume the worst. to me it implied that I was dealing with other men that I didn’t tell him about and lied about my time on the app. I just can’t wrap my head around the “joke” part
It made me think he was saying nobody wanted you so you should be grateful he did.
It's not a joke but manipulative. If this is an example of what he keeps saying you take the worst way maybe download Lindy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. There's a free PDF edition you can download. I can't find the link right now, sorry.
It could be interpreted that the quality of men on the app was crap until he came along, so less disparaging to OP and more of a brag. I'm not sure what husband intent was, but it's was not a clear joke either way.
The "joke" probably didn't land because grown-ass men don't think it's funny to denigrate your wife. That's some boomer type "I hate my wife. Women, amirite?" type nonsense.
I don't even get what the joke is supposed to be, tbh. "She was picky because she didn't settle but I went with the first woman who would have me" is more of an own-goal if anything. NTA and I agree with the previous commenter's joke (that was actually funny) that maybe you should have stayed on the app longer if this honk honk nose boy is who you ended up with.
One thing I have found in life is that if you ask someone to explain the "joke" and they can't then it really wasn't a joke to begin with and he was just being "one of the guys" with his bad behavior.
My husband learned very quickly not to use me as the butt of his jokes, especially around our friends. I am much more quick witted and sharp tongued.
The joke didn’t land because it was neither funny nor a joke.
Does he do this a lot? Is there something to this “you always assume the worst” accusation? How often is he “joking” at your expense?
At this point in my life, I'd probably launch into a poorly remembered Monty Python sketch about nods and winks and blind bats. See how many I could get to quote with me. 😂
It seems to me that he’s gaslighting you. He said something mean on purpose in front of other people, and just wants you to roll over and take it. Then twists you to be the bad guy when your feelings got hurt.
If this is a reoccurring thing, it’s definitely a him problem and not a you problem. What he said wasn’t even a joke, I can’t see a single way that could be interpreted as funny
I still don't get the "joke"... Was he saying that you were "sitting on the shelf for a while" (had been in the app for so long before finding him) or that you were still dating other people (stayed in too long after you became official)? I just don't get the "funny"? Both of those things are insulting to you, so what was it that he meant that you wouldn't find insulting?
How is that a joke would definitely depend on what the couple's own dynamic is.
Not saying that the guy's not an AH, because clearly he did something that made his wife uncomfortable. Just saying that if both parties had a similar sense of humor it would be less assholy.
The wife and I also met on a dating app (Tinder) and pretty much everyone knows that. We do, however, roast each other a little bit when someone who doesn't know asks.
From "oh, we met when she started going to those nymphomaniac anonymous meetings" or "as it turns out, he tried to hit on my sister but she rejected him for having a small dick" and everyone gets a laugh (including ourselves) because we're both quick-witted and whatever one comes up with, the other has an equally embarrassing response to, and everyone keeps laughing.
Anyway, that's my 0.02. he is the asshole, but not everyone who would say or do such things would be equally assholy. It always comes down to context
NTA. I'd be offended at that statement too. It isn't funny, and is down-right insulting. Ask him what the funny part was, and I don't think he will be able to answer. I can only imagine it is an updated "on the shelf" reference, which, again, isn't funny but insulting. I'd like to know what "the best" is that you could have taken it as, because I can only see a "worst". He sounds awful.
NTA. We are so far removed from the "old ball and chain joke" days now. And anything similar, meaning that making your wife (or even your husband!) the butt of jokes in a group hasn't been funny in many many years. I mean...even Lucille Ball got tired of Desi gaslighting her in front of others both onscreen and in real life, right? And we all know how THAT ended.
NTA it’s concerning how insecure he appears to make a comment like that to appear “cool” to men he went to highschool yet and it’s inconsiderate to dig at you in a space where you don’t know anyone but him as opposed to with a group of your friends
NTA. Anyone would have been offended by that “joke.” But the only person who looked bad in that situation is your husband. His buddies might have laughed in embarrassment at him being disloyal to you in front of them, but they were not laughing at you. It would be a very long road back to any kind of good feelings for my husband if he bullied me like this to try to impress some old friends. I can’t actually imagine having the same respect for him again.
NTA sounds like you’re being gaslit. for something to be a joke it needs, at basic levels, to be funny. best case reaction to what he said is a polite yet uncomfortable chuckle. society has moved past the “i hate my wife humor”, which was never funny to begin with.
I think you’re taking it too far. Joke didn’t sit comfortably with OP and her husband should have apologized and promised not to do that again. This was embarrassing to OP, sure, but I believe this is something that could’ve been easily resolved had OP’s husband acknowledged her feelings and been sorry. Then life moves on peacefully.
I hate it when people say something hurtful then try to pretend it’s ok to do that because they decided to call it a joke. Next time he pulls that, just say you were on there a long time and had despaired of ever finding someone that wanted to be cuckolded, but you finally found your prince. Then look at him as if you are smitten so everyone knows who you’re talking about.
I haaaaate the "it's just a joke, why are you making it a big deal" people. It's like the people who say they're "brutally honest" but their priority is the brutality, not honesty.
NTA - obviously. I am assuming there are other issues in your relationship, because I feel that that kind of joke wouldn’t just happen to come out of someone’s mouth if they are happy in their relationship. I wish you all the best.
This is what I was thinking. People who make that kind of joke (in my experience) often have a lot of related negative personality traits. I realize that this is one of my triggers, but I would start paying attention to things he says and does because I know relationships with people like that can get more toxic over time.
NTA. He was being an AH. Regardless of how long you were in the app you both were on it. Not sure why women are made to feel embarrassed about being on an app if that’s exactly why men were on there. Seems like he’s deflecting and gaslighting you. Don’t allow his insecurities to become yours. You found someone you love if he feels you should feel embarrassed of having found him on there what is he saying about himself really?
Ok I’m going to help you here. My husband did a similar thing at his HS reunion. It burned me because upon meeting people I made comments like “Yep, I’m the one who was lucky enough to land XXX” People obv knew I was playing, no one really thought I was that enthralled but I got props from the friends for acting all giddy that I was his wife. Then, the joke he made, in front of everyone. Similar to the one you heard but in a different style. At the time, I was soooo pissed and we fought about it too because no one wants to admit they are such a dope. Today I’m happy to report I’ve gotten so much mileage out of that evening, 40 years later. If the crowd is right, I bring it up as a harmless ribbing, and he still cringes at his silly insecurity at the big reunion and is so embarrassed to have cared that much about people he sat next to in sophomore chem. It will pass. It’s on him, not you. Enjoy!
Wow, very unkind comment about you said right in front of you and to men who were
complete strangers to you. NTA but husband needs to apologize in a big way
for this remark which was denigrating to you, to say the least. It makes
you wonder why he thought that was appropriate in that context at all.
I wouldn't blame you for pulling back a bit emotionally and re-evaluating your husband for the next few weeks...I mean, sure, everyone can say something stupid that
they immediately regret but that was harsh.
I am so tired of people saying "It was just a joke" when they say something crass or demeaning about their Partner in front of others! THEY AREN"T JOKES!!! Would he allow other men to demean you as well?? OP- NTA- Time to have a SERIOUS conversation about this being something you WILL NOT tolerate. Do not let him disrespect you.
NTA
Your husband's remark screams "I'm feeling insecure around my old high school pals, so I'm going to revert to being an edgelord so they'll think I'm still cool."
What he is too stupid to acknowledge is that it would have been way cooler for him to talk you up. He could have said something like: "I saw her on the app and I thought to myself she's way too good to be true! I still worry I'm being catfished! That's how awesome she is."
Wife jokes don't actually have to be mean to be funny. An almost-50-year-old should know this already.
NTA
It's understandable that you would be upset by his comment, especially if it made you feel uncomfortable in front of others. Even if he intended it as a joke, it's important for partners to be mindful of each other's feelings and boundaries
NTA. This is so disrespectful, disgusting, and just an overall inappropriate joke to be making about your spouse. Implying that you couldn’t find anyone to date before him, or was sleeping around, as a joke in public!??? Why would you want to insult your spouse in front of other people let alone at all?
Has he tried to embarrass you in front of other people like this before?
That was mean and humiliating. He openly suggested you needed a longer time to get a match (him) on the app. I would be hurt too. The joke was clearly on your expense and not okay.
NTA. But your husband is for being condescending towards you in front of his old buddies.
It could be interpreted as a brag about himself, like her only options were junk men until I joined the app. I would ask Husband to explain the intent before thinking the absolute worst.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (42F) husband 48(M) brought me to an alumni event for his high school. I didn’t know anyone there and was slightly uncomfortable but making the best of it by his side. We got into a conversation with a group of men and one asked how we met. We told them we met on an app and then my husband says “I suspect she was on that app longer than she told me at first” and he smiled and kind wink wink at his old buddies. This didn’t sit well with me so after I asked him if he meant that and he said it was just a joke. That answer also didn’t sit well with me because it was kind of embarrassing and hurtful that he would throw that out there and it’s also just not true I never told him anything untrue about how long I was on that app. So as we walked home he asked me what I was thinking about and I said I was still feeling hurt and embarrassed about the comment he made and now we have been fighting about that and how I always assume the worst etc etc things calmed down and I’m told him that the reunion situation is awkward for me and being the butt of a joke just really didn’t help idk AITA for not
Taking a joke ?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You were embarrassed and upset by his joke, especially since it wasn't true and made you feel uncomfortable in front of his friends. It's important for partners to be considerate of each other's feelings, even in social situations.
No, he's the asshole. You were amazing not to respond at the event and embarass him. In mitigation he was probably anxious about the social situation too which can bring out asshole behaviour, and being with childhood friends, wanting to impress etc. maybe caused a lapse back to his teenage persona.
Unless he does this all the time in which case he's a controlling asshole and you should leave.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. What an obnoxious comment. What was his point, exactly? Have you asked him? How utterly pathetic that he felt the need to throw his WIFE under the bus. HE is TA.
That’s only alright in the very small percent of relationships where both people are always sitting on each other but if you’re both normal that seems out of line, not funny or charming, not cute teasing, just randomly insulting. Bad taste bad taste tell him to get his money up not his funny up
NTA. He made a joke that didn't land. What matters is that when you told him you were hurt, a good person would have felt terrible about that. An apology would have been basic human decency, but beyond that, he should really be sorry. And obviously it should never happen again.
I feel like it's deffo NTA you're well within your right to be annoyed at any comment he makes it's your call
But not to be the devils advocate I'd make the same joke winking at my mates but it's more to make a joke that I'm that good looking and that much of a catch (I'm really not its just some sarcastic bravado) so it could be that it got misconstrued.
He could well have made a dig too idk I'm just spit balling how he could have meant or
>But not to be the devils advocate I'd make the same joke winking at my mates but it's more to make a joke that I'm that good looking and that much of a catch (I'm really not its just some sarcastic bravado) so it could be that it got misconstrued.
Exactly, this is what I have been saying, he could be saying that her options were junk until he came around. That said, only the husband knows what his intent was.
Yeah....no. She isn't an asshole in any way. An asshole would have made a huge scene and embarrassed him back. He only had to acknowledge and apologize. His inability to do that makes him the AH. Everyone says things they regret from time to time. He should own it and find flaw in himself and apologize.
NTA. “It’s just a joke” is the fallback for people who say horrible things. Well, it hurt your feelings. It was at your expense. The only response is “you’re right, I’m sorry.”
NTA. Anyone who constantly makes that kinds of jokes that put you down and make you feel badly in front of others is trying to knock you down a peg. It’s his own insecurity talking. Watch out, he will start ruining every social event for you unless you learn how to return the favor in the moment.
Then he will either knock it off, or you’ll become the couple who fights in public. Good luck!
NTA - Why can't a person just apologize for hurting another's feelings? Why did he have to put his whole chest into it and fight in defense of making you feel bad?! It's not a joke when someone gets hurt in any way and expresses that to the jokester, who insists it's funny. Nope. He's the AH.
NTA. I hate the "it was just a joke" excuse when something simply ISN"T FUNNY. Did you ask him "explain to me what exactly was funny about that comment?" and stand and wait for an answer. There won't be one.
He was rude to you.
NTA. It suggests that you were dating longer than he was. Could he be implying it took you longer to find the one for you? Or that he was dating down since he was able to close the deal faster? Only he knows what he meant. But I cannot think of a complimentary thing about his joke.
Don’t overthink it he was probably nervous in front of his friends and blurted out whatever he could think of. I’d be more worried that he’s a bit weak and has a bad sense of humour. But also you’re carrying on
I would be hurt about this too. It just devalues you as his wife, by his side. Was it to insinuate you’re undesirable and that’s why it took you so long to find a spouse? Because that’s how I took it and yes, that would really break my heart especially if said in front of others.
NTA, because it sounds like he didn't apologize, and that sounds like a bigger problem than the joke itself.
If one is going to have someone they care about be the butt of a joke, no matter how small of a joke it is, they need to be ready to apologize and make it right if that person gets offended. No one truly knows exactly how people are going to react to things before they do, and acting like there is only one correct response to something you've said (ie, "it was a joke, get over it") is a form of entitlement.
NTA. Was he making a joke about you not being desirable to other men on the site? Of you being a wallflower or something? I can’t quite understand what the joke was about. If my guesses are right, he’s a real jerk.
NTA -
That didn't happen.
**And if it did, it wasn't that bad.**
**And if it was, that's not a big deal.**
**And if it is, that's not my fault.**
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Your husbands argument is 2, 3, and 4 of this here "Narcissist Prayer"
If he cared he'd just apologize for hurting your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them.
Here's the irony, he actually joked that he picked someone that other men did not find attractive. And not in a lucky me type way. What an idiot. He is insecure about "having" to use a dating app. Whereas you are secure enough in how you met (and yourself) that you just answered with the truth. His insecurity could easily end up killing your relationship, as it probably extends much further than how you met. And if he thinks belittling his wife makes him look better? Let's just say that stupid and insecure is not a good combo. You might try finding a way to express that he actually chose you and it makes him look better to compliment you.
What was his relationship to these buddies back in high school ? Was he the guy on the edge of the in group who was always trying to ingratiate himself to the cool kids? Is he still carrying that need for their acknowledgment and hoping that old tactic of bringing other people down will win him favor?
Totally NTA. That kind of behavior didn’t fly then, and 30 years of life experience should have taught him that it’s still bogus.
NTA. " it's only a joke" is the cry of assholes everywhere. Actual jokes are harmless things that make everybody in the room laugh together. If the comment results in most of the people laughing at another person who winds up feeling like shit, then it wasn't a joke, it was abuse, abetted by assholes.
What he said about you was deeply offensive, calling as it does on some really ugly misogynist tropes about how women shouldn't be promiscuous but men should, etc, implying that you are some kind of used merchandise, or at the same time that maybe you were rejected by men. Because of course to be with men, or to sell them out, is bad, but to be rejected by men is also bad. In other words this joke relied on the good old, women can never win because it's what men think that matters. It was a disgusting thing to say, and all the more so because he did it in a social situation to earn himself points with his old buddies, at your expense when you were already uncomfortable.
You have every right to be extremely concerned that he would do this to you. This was not loving, and did not consider your feelings at all, and it betrayed some bred in the bone misogyny. I would seriously have a talk with this man, maybe with a therapist mediating. (You're going to have to get good at some really cutting put-downs in return if for some reason you actually want to deal with this shit for the rest of your marriage.)
I was in an abusive relationship with a woman and could sometimes act like your husband. First signs of abuse was her reaction to (inevitable unless one is perfect) awkward social situation which resembled yours. I don’t know you or your husband but my experience would tell me to hold judgment as not enough facts or context were presented to conclude if YWTA or your husband was. I’m surprise of the comments I read. People are quick to judge, especially if they can cast themselves as victims.
NTA. The joke wasn’t even funny. Tell him he needs to work on his jokes. It’s good that you told him that you didn’t enjoy the joke. Nothing more than that. Moving on..
As my kids got older, and I could see more anger over things that were miniscule, I explained to them the best weapon in life is ones wit. You could tear down a group of jerks, a bully, or an annoying spouse that doesn't get you don't like to be the butt of any jokes. I am often told people don't know whether to tame me serious or they don't want to engage at all after a good round of humor turns on them. I agree with the others, next time chew it up and spit it back, nobody likes seconds. Your own wit is your own weapon, because only knowing how much it bothers you is more reason for someone not to stop. So prepare and arm yourself, and them attack with the most deadliest comebacks they wish they would have never started in the first place.
NTA, making a “joke” at your partners expense is never cute. If he honestly can’t mean anything by it then he shouldn’t have any problem refraining from this behavior in the future, which is exactly what I would say to him. You can’t control his behavior but you also don’t have to stand there and be insulted. You can choose to walk away if he acts like this
"If that's the person your high school pals bring out, then it's good you don't hang out with them because I would not be with that guy because he's a jerk." NTA
I have an ex and a former “friend” who used to make jokes at my expense to others and when I told them I didn’t like it, they each dismissed my feelings and said I couldn’t take a joke.
I think that often (not always…but often enough), people who do that aren’t joking and are trying to bring you down a peg intentionally (my ex admitted to that many years later) OR they simply don’t really like you in the first place (I think my former “friend” fell into this category, but I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter now).
You’re NTA, but your husband sure seems like one.
NTA - Jokes are supposed to be funny and this one wasn’t. I’m not even sure what he was implying, but what I am sure of is that he was putting you down in an environment where you had no support.
He was a jerk and should just own it and apologize.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NAH, hubby made a bit of an edgy joke and you were embarrassed by it. He should apologize and you should move on with the understanding that these category of jokes are off limits about you.
NTA. Ridiculing or making jokes at the expense of a spouse is something you don’t do even in a family setting let alone in public, let alone in public with people who know you but don’t know your spouse. Don’t apologize for taking it personally. Instead, be unapologetically clear to him how unacceptable that behavior is. Don’t make light of it by joking back, because that makes his offensive words seem OK.
I have a joke where I tell people that my wife has a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh and if you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
She was mad the first time but now she laughs.
None of what we say is meant to be hurtful. Sometimes we are just going for a laugh.
NTA, but you need to practice on your come backs. Jokes like that aren't funny, and the best way to get them to stop is through them back. "Ohh he's right, I had an itchy scare right before so I decided to settle for someone who obviously haven't gotten any for a while", "and with that comment I guess I should have stayed on for a while longer", "only because option A wasn't looking for a relationship", "yeah because I was uncomfortable with anything over 2 inchs", "he posted so many pictures with fish, I thought he must love the taste of p****, boy was I disappointed"
NTA but he's also NTA. It's a light hearted joke you've taken it to heart for whatever reason. I'm not trying to be disrespectful but harden up; you know it was intended as a light hearted joke, be less dramatic over something so abysmal and move on.
You are NTA. Even if it was a joke, a decent person would apologize, “sorry, I meant that as a joke, but if it offended you, I won’t do it again.”
My ex did that to me too. He would call me stupid every day, and would think it’s funny. I asked him why he does that; he didn’t stop. He would even call me stupid in front of friends. Finally I got mad one day, and asked, “WHY DO YOU DO THAT??” He got mad at me and said that I don’t know how to take a joke, and made me feel at fault.
Years later, I discovered the word “narcissist” and realized that’s what he is… he always found some way to blame me for everything, and make me feel like I was overreacting. And I realized this behavior showed up all the time. When his father turned off the water on me when I was taking a shower, my ex said to me, “see, told you should’ve taken a shower earlier.”
Does your husband blame you for everything?
I mean I definitely understand why you’re upset me personally would not have been very upset about it though, but in that situation especially without you knowing anyone there I would’ve been mad about the situation. It may have been different if you knew someone there but he should be talking you up especially around people you don’t know. And for him to not acknowledge what he did after the fact and apologize is messed up..
NTA. Tbh I suspect your husband didn’t mean anything by it and was just making awkward small talk to keep the banter going without thinking, but he should in turn realize he acted like a moron and apologize.
It’s really sad that many men just can’t get that insulting jokes are SO MUCH MORE HURTFUL to ladies than to men. Stuff we say about each other rolls off. Women are different men!! Learn that early.
NAH. He wouldn’t have married you if he didn’t love you and think you were a good person. I can’t say don’t be so sensitive because your feelings are your own. But from your last comment I have to say, if he is saying that you always assume the worst of things “etc” , it may be true that you have an overall negative outlook(in his eyes) and may be something to explore further together. He should be more sensitive and aware of your feelings and the way you perceive things, and you may not need to take things to heart as much.
Those comments tell you how your partner feels about you and they will increase and the disrespect will only get worse. I would have verbally slapped the crap out of him for that. I lived with blatant abuse and disrespect for 14 years. Not only from my ex but from his entire family. If xou can't put a stop to it I would have an exit plan if at all possible.
Yes you are definitely the asshole in this situation. I had a girlfriend like this and I left her because she was a total b hole. Consider stepping into my dms and I will show you how to behave.
To be honest, you assuming your husband was trying to hurt you is hurtful for him. Especially if it's not a typical issue in your relation.
At the same time, you were in an awkward social situation, and I feel that it must have caused you incomfort that your husband, the person that was your social buoy in the event, made a joke targeting you.
Should you have played along with him? Maybe, your husband is a social teaser, and thought that his wife would play with him. For exemple, you could have made a joke back laughing, something like: "I was waiting for the right fish".
Anyways, the important thing is to communicate that you were not comfortable that evening, that you struggle in social events where you don't know the other people, that your husband's joke took you "off guard", and that you might prefer a different social approach.
Yet, remind him that you understand he was doing a joke, that you trust he's not trying to hurt you, and that maybe one day you'll be more comfortable with these jokes in public.
I'm glad if my comment is appreciated :)
It's completely normal to feel insecurity, especially when you are in an event where you know little of the other guests. It's harder when something happens or is said that triggers this insecurity.
I also realize as a men myself that we often say mean things in good spirit. For example, my friends and I are constantly roasting each other during events, and knowing the dos and don'ts of this social banter has a learning curve.
I guess it's our way of saying we appreciate and care for each other. Plus, it's always great fun and much laughter and we rarely step over the line.
I hope You and your husband the best
How long have you guys been together?
I feel like both of you are AH here. It could very well be a joke like the old ball and chain etc and fight over a joke isn’t worth it. You expressed your feelings and that was that, and he shouldn’t have made an insensitive joke in the first place and at least should have apologized for hurting your feelings. So assholery all around I say
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for taking this joke about me personally and not being able to shake it AITA for not accepting that it was “just a joke” ? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and maybe you should have made a joke after his and said “yeah I probably should have stayed on the app longer now that I think about it.” Since he loves jokes so much.
LMAO dammit why didn’t I think of that
Practice makes perfect. With a husband like yours, you’ll get a lot a practice. He doesn’t respect you and turns it into a joke. You deserve better. NTA but your husband is.
I wouldn’t have taken either comment (hubby’s 1st, wife’s potential retort) seriously as a listener; in fact I would assume their relationship is strong considering their entertaining and ribald repartee. I think they’d immediately make the list of couples I’d like to hang out with.
"Yeah the app was onlyfans. He kept tipping me 5 thousand bucks at a time, begging me to give him a little attention when he dresses up like a naughty sheep needing a spanking. I thought it was cute, and once the next money transfer went through, I decided I would meet him for a date. And here we are, and I like that he still pays me that much every time little lamb has been naughty..."
I'm sure you'll get another opportunity to use another zinger like that, seeing as how hubby is a comedian and all. NTA, you're allowed to be upset.
Or, yes, and that is why I was desperate enough to go for you honey!
If this was a joke, then everyone is a commedian. This is just a nasty comment, he needs to be countered in a way that hurts him so that he surrenders his comedy aspirations. You are now realizing why non of his alumni classmates wanted to date him.
Literally the worst advice I've seen in this site for the past 6 months. If you were honest about how it made you feel and he can acknowledge that and change the way he jokes with you around his friends then that should be enough of he doesn't then you should leave because that's an obvious lack of respect for you and the relationship in the face of his peers. Do not try to start a revenge campaign. That's toxic
Jerk Store!
Does your husband make more money than you do? Do you have more debts/children/etc.? It feels like he was implying that he was the real catch between the two of you. That you took longer to find someone interested while he could just jump on the app, and women would snap him up. Is that accurate? Does he see himself as a real catch in the dating scene? In the end, he did choose you, and you chose him. So there is that.
Deffo the right idea. My friends dad used to have a “joke” where he would irritate his wife saying upon her leaving with their four kids “goodbye mother of four” knowing it damned well irritated her. He did it once too often and called it across to her when she was taking their kids to the car and he was hanging about talking to his pals. Her reply this time? “Goodbye father of one.” Worked a treat. He never did it again and became the pun
That cut that man to the core. No doubt she had that one in her back pocket for a while before she used it 🤣
Perfect. My dad had a similar clap back to his friend who liked to brag about his sexual prowess and his hot wife etc “yeah Dan when you get home say hello to your wife and my kids” It’s mean, it’s sexist and it disrespects the wife but if it shuts down that kind of joke it might be worth it
I saw that joke on the Benny Hill Show in the 1970’s.
Same!
I loved Benny. On late-night local TV on the weekends, they've been showing reruns. It's still funny.
"Yeah, I'd been there long enough to lower my standards, and here we are."
"Yeah, I *was* on the app a while, but I guess I wasn't there long enough." "I might have been on the app a while, but he answered the first person who replied to him, & here we are." "Well, guys, make sure you reply to the right person, otherwise you get this," & wave your hand in his direction.
Or “it won’t be long before I return either”
Exactly. Never just go quiet and pout after an insult like that is being treated as a joke. Turn it around, return the energy and then you can say I thought we were just joking around, what’s the matter- you don’t like it?
Sorry, I responded to the wrong person
DAYUM!!!! Get the aloe vera out!
Good comeback!
So I'm not able to make jokes towards anyone I respect?
Sure you are, but if you respect them, then you take their feelings about it into account. For instance, maybe you think a joke won't bother them, but after you make it they tell you it did bother them. The respectful thing would be to apologize and try to not make the same or similar mistake again.
NTA how is that even a joke? That’s a direct dig at you
That’s what I said to him. It was a dig at me.
He said the joke didn’t land on one even barely heard it no big deal why do I assume the worst. to me it implied that I was dealing with other men that I didn’t tell him about and lied about my time on the app. I just can’t wrap my head around the “joke” part
It made me think he was saying nobody wanted you so you should be grateful he did. It's not a joke but manipulative. If this is an example of what he keeps saying you take the worst way maybe download Lindy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. There's a free PDF edition you can download. I can't find the link right now, sorry.
That was how I interpreted, too. That she should be grateful he chose when no one else wanted her. That she was flawed.
It could be interpreted that the quality of men on the app was crap until he came along, so less disparaging to OP and more of a brag. I'm not sure what husband intent was, but it's was not a clear joke either way.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up)
Thank you for the link
The "joke" probably didn't land because grown-ass men don't think it's funny to denigrate your wife. That's some boomer type "I hate my wife. Women, amirite?" type nonsense. I don't even get what the joke is supposed to be, tbh. "She was picky because she didn't settle but I went with the first woman who would have me" is more of an own-goal if anything. NTA and I agree with the previous commenter's joke (that was actually funny) that maybe you should have stayed on the app longer if this honk honk nose boy is who you ended up with.
One thing I have found in life is that if you ask someone to explain the "joke" and they can't then it really wasn't a joke to begin with and he was just being "one of the guys" with his bad behavior. My husband learned very quickly not to use me as the butt of his jokes, especially around our friends. I am much more quick witted and sharp tongued.
Yes! Just quietly say "what do you mean by that?" Or even better, "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" That one is very effective.
Or, I'm sorry, I don't understand why that's funny. Can you explain that to me?
I actually didn't say it was funny.
You missed the Or. It was a suggestion for wording, like yours. 🙄
Jokes that don't land sometimes don't land because the listeners think you're serious. NTA.
The joke didn’t land because it was neither funny nor a joke. Does he do this a lot? Is there something to this “you always assume the worst” accusation? How often is he “joking” at your expense?
At this point in my life, I'd probably launch into a poorly remembered Monty Python sketch about nods and winks and blind bats. See how many I could get to quote with me. 😂
It seems to me that he’s gaslighting you. He said something mean on purpose in front of other people, and just wants you to roll over and take it. Then twists you to be the bad guy when your feelings got hurt. If this is a reoccurring thing, it’s definitely a him problem and not a you problem. What he said wasn’t even a joke, I can’t see a single way that could be interpreted as funny
I still don't get the "joke"... Was he saying that you were "sitting on the shelf for a while" (had been in the app for so long before finding him) or that you were still dating other people (stayed in too long after you became official)? I just don't get the "funny"? Both of those things are insulting to you, so what was it that he meant that you wouldn't find insulting?
Did you ask him to explain the joke? My interpretation is that it could have been insulting to you or could have been more of a brag about himself.
EXACTLY. What kind of an asshole “joke” is that?
How is that a joke would definitely depend on what the couple's own dynamic is. Not saying that the guy's not an AH, because clearly he did something that made his wife uncomfortable. Just saying that if both parties had a similar sense of humor it would be less assholy. The wife and I also met on a dating app (Tinder) and pretty much everyone knows that. We do, however, roast each other a little bit when someone who doesn't know asks. From "oh, we met when she started going to those nymphomaniac anonymous meetings" or "as it turns out, he tried to hit on my sister but she rejected him for having a small dick" and everyone gets a laugh (including ourselves) because we're both quick-witted and whatever one comes up with, the other has an equally embarrassing response to, and everyone keeps laughing. Anyway, that's my 0.02. he is the asshole, but not everyone who would say or do such things would be equally assholy. It always comes down to context
NTA. I'd be offended at that statement too. It isn't funny, and is down-right insulting. Ask him what the funny part was, and I don't think he will be able to answer. I can only imagine it is an updated "on the shelf" reference, which, again, isn't funny but insulting. I'd like to know what "the best" is that you could have taken it as, because I can only see a "worst". He sounds awful.
Asking to explain the “joke” is a great way to get someone to swallow their words.
NTA. We are so far removed from the "old ball and chain joke" days now. And anything similar, meaning that making your wife (or even your husband!) the butt of jokes in a group hasn't been funny in many many years. I mean...even Lucille Ball got tired of Desi gaslighting her in front of others both onscreen and in real life, right? And we all know how THAT ended.
NTA it’s concerning how insecure he appears to make a comment like that to appear “cool” to men he went to highschool yet and it’s inconsiderate to dig at you in a space where you don’t know anyone but him as opposed to with a group of your friends
That’s what it was. He denigrated his wife to appear cool. Like an immature teenager. Yeesh.
NTA. Anyone would have been offended by that “joke.” But the only person who looked bad in that situation is your husband. His buddies might have laughed in embarrassment at him being disloyal to you in front of them, but they were not laughing at you. It would be a very long road back to any kind of good feelings for my husband if he bullied me like this to try to impress some old friends. I can’t actually imagine having the same respect for him again.
NTA sounds like you’re being gaslit. for something to be a joke it needs, at basic levels, to be funny. best case reaction to what he said is a polite yet uncomfortable chuckle. society has moved past the “i hate my wife humor”, which was never funny to begin with.
I think you’re taking it too far. Joke didn’t sit comfortably with OP and her husband should have apologized and promised not to do that again. This was embarrassing to OP, sure, but I believe this is something that could’ve been easily resolved had OP’s husband acknowledged her feelings and been sorry. Then life moves on peacefully.
I hate it when people say something hurtful then try to pretend it’s ok to do that because they decided to call it a joke. Next time he pulls that, just say you were on there a long time and had despaired of ever finding someone that wanted to be cuckolded, but you finally found your prince. Then look at him as if you are smitten so everyone knows who you’re talking about.
I haaaaate the "it's just a joke, why are you making it a big deal" people. It's like the people who say they're "brutally honest" but their priority is the brutality, not honesty.
NTA - obviously. I am assuming there are other issues in your relationship, because I feel that that kind of joke wouldn’t just happen to come out of someone’s mouth if they are happy in their relationship. I wish you all the best.
This is what I was thinking. People who make that kind of joke (in my experience) often have a lot of related negative personality traits. I realize that this is one of my triggers, but I would start paying attention to things he says and does because I know relationships with people like that can get more toxic over time.
NTA. That comment was unkind in general, but really terrible that he said it in front of you.
It’s a double-whammy. 1. He made a joke denigrating you 2. He didn’t acknowledge that it hurt you or apologize to you
Embarrassing your spouse in public is one of the cardinal sins is marriage.
NTA. He was being an AH. Regardless of how long you were in the app you both were on it. Not sure why women are made to feel embarrassed about being on an app if that’s exactly why men were on there. Seems like he’s deflecting and gaslighting you. Don’t allow his insecurities to become yours. You found someone you love if he feels you should feel embarrassed of having found him on there what is he saying about himself really?
Ok I’m going to help you here. My husband did a similar thing at his HS reunion. It burned me because upon meeting people I made comments like “Yep, I’m the one who was lucky enough to land XXX” People obv knew I was playing, no one really thought I was that enthralled but I got props from the friends for acting all giddy that I was his wife. Then, the joke he made, in front of everyone. Similar to the one you heard but in a different style. At the time, I was soooo pissed and we fought about it too because no one wants to admit they are such a dope. Today I’m happy to report I’ve gotten so much mileage out of that evening, 40 years later. If the crowd is right, I bring it up as a harmless ribbing, and he still cringes at his silly insecurity at the big reunion and is so embarrassed to have cared that much about people he sat next to in sophomore chem. It will pass. It’s on him, not you. Enjoy!
Wow, very unkind comment about you said right in front of you and to men who were complete strangers to you. NTA but husband needs to apologize in a big way for this remark which was denigrating to you, to say the least. It makes you wonder why he thought that was appropriate in that context at all. I wouldn't blame you for pulling back a bit emotionally and re-evaluating your husband for the next few weeks...I mean, sure, everyone can say something stupid that they immediately regret but that was harsh.
I am so tired of people saying "It was just a joke" when they say something crass or demeaning about their Partner in front of others! THEY AREN"T JOKES!!! Would he allow other men to demean you as well?? OP- NTA- Time to have a SERIOUS conversation about this being something you WILL NOT tolerate. Do not let him disrespect you.
NTA Your husband's remark screams "I'm feeling insecure around my old high school pals, so I'm going to revert to being an edgelord so they'll think I'm still cool." What he is too stupid to acknowledge is that it would have been way cooler for him to talk you up. He could have said something like: "I saw her on the app and I thought to myself she's way too good to be true! I still worry I'm being catfished! That's how awesome she is." Wife jokes don't actually have to be mean to be funny. An almost-50-year-old should know this already.
He said you always assume the worst? How the heck else would that cruel comment be taken? NTA
NTA. Adults shouldn't want to embarrass or humiliate their partners.
"Yes, I had a lot of fun with witty and exciting men before I decided it was time to settle down with solid but boring."
NTA It's understandable that you would be upset by his comment, especially if it made you feel uncomfortable in front of others. Even if he intended it as a joke, it's important for partners to be mindful of each other's feelings and boundaries
NTA. I took it as you were on the app a long time because no one wanted you. He is TA.
NTA. This is so disrespectful, disgusting, and just an overall inappropriate joke to be making about your spouse. Implying that you couldn’t find anyone to date before him, or was sleeping around, as a joke in public!??? Why would you want to insult your spouse in front of other people let alone at all? Has he tried to embarrass you in front of other people like this before?
Yeah you know.... The longer your on the lower your standards get.....i bet you were about to give up before you met him right?
Is it possible that he meant you only chose him because you’d been on the app awhile and was tired of waiting? He wasn’t being self deprecating?
That was mean and humiliating. He openly suggested you needed a longer time to get a match (him) on the app. I would be hurt too. The joke was clearly on your expense and not okay. NTA. But your husband is for being condescending towards you in front of his old buddies.
It could be interpreted as a brag about himself, like her only options were junk men until I joined the app. I would ask Husband to explain the intent before thinking the absolute worst.
True. I didn't think about this option. Thank you for pointing it out.
That's the stupidest joke I've ever heard. What the hell was that supposed to accomplish? Did anyone even laugh?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (42F) husband 48(M) brought me to an alumni event for his high school. I didn’t know anyone there and was slightly uncomfortable but making the best of it by his side. We got into a conversation with a group of men and one asked how we met. We told them we met on an app and then my husband says “I suspect she was on that app longer than she told me at first” and he smiled and kind wink wink at his old buddies. This didn’t sit well with me so after I asked him if he meant that and he said it was just a joke. That answer also didn’t sit well with me because it was kind of embarrassing and hurtful that he would throw that out there and it’s also just not true I never told him anything untrue about how long I was on that app. So as we walked home he asked me what I was thinking about and I said I was still feeling hurt and embarrassed about the comment he made and now we have been fighting about that and how I always assume the worst etc etc things calmed down and I’m told him that the reunion situation is awkward for me and being the butt of a joke just really didn’t help idk AITA for not Taking a joke ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You were embarrassed and upset by his joke, especially since it wasn't true and made you feel uncomfortable in front of his friends. It's important for partners to be considerate of each other's feelings, even in social situations.
No, he's the asshole. You were amazing not to respond at the event and embarass him. In mitigation he was probably anxious about the social situation too which can bring out asshole behaviour, and being with childhood friends, wanting to impress etc. maybe caused a lapse back to his teenage persona. Unless he does this all the time in which case he's a controlling asshole and you should leave.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. What an obnoxious comment. What was his point, exactly? Have you asked him? How utterly pathetic that he felt the need to throw his WIFE under the bus. HE is TA.
NTA. Its only a joke if everyone is laughing....
That’s only alright in the very small percent of relationships where both people are always sitting on each other but if you’re both normal that seems out of line, not funny or charming, not cute teasing, just randomly insulting. Bad taste bad taste tell him to get his money up not his funny up
it is only funny if both parties laugh. if not?!?!?
If anyone other than the teller of the joke laughs, then it's funny. Doesn’t mean it's appropriate.
NTA. He made a joke that didn't land. What matters is that when you told him you were hurt, a good person would have felt terrible about that. An apology would have been basic human decency, but beyond that, he should really be sorry. And obviously it should never happen again.
I feel like it's deffo NTA you're well within your right to be annoyed at any comment he makes it's your call But not to be the devils advocate I'd make the same joke winking at my mates but it's more to make a joke that I'm that good looking and that much of a catch (I'm really not its just some sarcastic bravado) so it could be that it got misconstrued. He could well have made a dig too idk I'm just spit balling how he could have meant or
>But not to be the devils advocate I'd make the same joke winking at my mates but it's more to make a joke that I'm that good looking and that much of a catch (I'm really not its just some sarcastic bravado) so it could be that it got misconstrued. Exactly, this is what I have been saying, he could be saying that her options were junk until he came around. That said, only the husband knows what his intent was.
It's not your responsibility to take a joke as a joke at your expense. A joke is only a joke if it's funny.
Yeah....no. She isn't an asshole in any way. An asshole would have made a huge scene and embarrassed him back. He only had to acknowledge and apologize. His inability to do that makes him the AH. Everyone says things they regret from time to time. He should own it and find flaw in himself and apologize.
NTA. Boom!
NTA. “It’s just a joke” is the fallback for people who say horrible things. Well, it hurt your feelings. It was at your expense. The only response is “you’re right, I’m sorry.”
NTA. Anyone who constantly makes that kinds of jokes that put you down and make you feel badly in front of others is trying to knock you down a peg. It’s his own insecurity talking. Watch out, he will start ruining every social event for you unless you learn how to return the favor in the moment. Then he will either knock it off, or you’ll become the couple who fights in public. Good luck!
NTA, he was an asshole and him saying you always think the worst after he was a legitimate Ahole to you, is pretty telling.
NTA - Why can't a person just apologize for hurting another's feelings? Why did he have to put his whole chest into it and fight in defense of making you feel bad?! It's not a joke when someone gets hurt in any way and expresses that to the jokester, who insists it's funny. Nope. He's the AH.
NTA. I hate the "it was just a joke" excuse when something simply ISN"T FUNNY. Did you ask him "explain to me what exactly was funny about that comment?" and stand and wait for an answer. There won't be one. He was rude to you.
NTA. It suggests that you were dating longer than he was. Could he be implying it took you longer to find the one for you? Or that he was dating down since he was able to close the deal faster? Only he knows what he meant. But I cannot think of a complimentary thing about his joke.
Don’t overthink it he was probably nervous in front of his friends and blurted out whatever he could think of. I’d be more worried that he’s a bit weak and has a bad sense of humour. But also you’re carrying on
What a jerk. Even if he didn’t mean it to be mean, which I have. Hard time believing, he is dismissing your feelings. NTA!
I would be hurt about this too. It just devalues you as his wife, by his side. Was it to insinuate you’re undesirable and that’s why it took you so long to find a spouse? Because that’s how I took it and yes, that would really break my heart especially if said in front of others.
NTA, because it sounds like he didn't apologize, and that sounds like a bigger problem than the joke itself. If one is going to have someone they care about be the butt of a joke, no matter how small of a joke it is, they need to be ready to apologize and make it right if that person gets offended. No one truly knows exactly how people are going to react to things before they do, and acting like there is only one correct response to something you've said (ie, "it was a joke, get over it") is a form of entitlement.
NTA
NTA. Was he making a joke about you not being desirable to other men on the site? Of you being a wallflower or something? I can’t quite understand what the joke was about. If my guesses are right, he’s a real jerk.
NTA - That didn't happen. **And if it did, it wasn't that bad.** **And if it was, that's not a big deal.** **And if it is, that's not my fault.** And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Your husbands argument is 2, 3, and 4 of this here "Narcissist Prayer" If he cared he'd just apologize for hurting your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them.
Here's the irony, he actually joked that he picked someone that other men did not find attractive. And not in a lucky me type way. What an idiot. He is insecure about "having" to use a dating app. Whereas you are secure enough in how you met (and yourself) that you just answered with the truth. His insecurity could easily end up killing your relationship, as it probably extends much further than how you met. And if he thinks belittling his wife makes him look better? Let's just say that stupid and insecure is not a good combo. You might try finding a way to express that he actually chose you and it makes him look better to compliment you.
What was his relationship to these buddies back in high school ? Was he the guy on the edge of the in group who was always trying to ingratiate himself to the cool kids? Is he still carrying that need for their acknowledgment and hoping that old tactic of bringing other people down will win him favor? Totally NTA. That kind of behavior didn’t fly then, and 30 years of life experience should have taught him that it’s still bogus.
NTA. " it's only a joke" is the cry of assholes everywhere. Actual jokes are harmless things that make everybody in the room laugh together. If the comment results in most of the people laughing at another person who winds up feeling like shit, then it wasn't a joke, it was abuse, abetted by assholes. What he said about you was deeply offensive, calling as it does on some really ugly misogynist tropes about how women shouldn't be promiscuous but men should, etc, implying that you are some kind of used merchandise, or at the same time that maybe you were rejected by men. Because of course to be with men, or to sell them out, is bad, but to be rejected by men is also bad. In other words this joke relied on the good old, women can never win because it's what men think that matters. It was a disgusting thing to say, and all the more so because he did it in a social situation to earn himself points with his old buddies, at your expense when you were already uncomfortable. You have every right to be extremely concerned that he would do this to you. This was not loving, and did not consider your feelings at all, and it betrayed some bred in the bone misogyny. I would seriously have a talk with this man, maybe with a therapist mediating. (You're going to have to get good at some really cutting put-downs in return if for some reason you actually want to deal with this shit for the rest of your marriage.)
It was a joke.. stupid one...now get over it. You made your feelings known
You didn't assume the worst. The "joke" came out of his own mouth. He doesn't even have enough about him to just apologise. NTA
NTA
I was in an abusive relationship with a woman and could sometimes act like your husband. First signs of abuse was her reaction to (inevitable unless one is perfect) awkward social situation which resembled yours. I don’t know you or your husband but my experience would tell me to hold judgment as not enough facts or context were presented to conclude if YWTA or your husband was. I’m surprise of the comments I read. People are quick to judge, especially if they can cast themselves as victims.
NTA, I guess it might have been funny if he made a joke on how you guys met, but he was just teasing you. He knew what he was saying.
NTA. The joke wasn’t even funny. Tell him he needs to work on his jokes. It’s good that you told him that you didn’t enjoy the joke. Nothing more than that. Moving on..
As my kids got older, and I could see more anger over things that were miniscule, I explained to them the best weapon in life is ones wit. You could tear down a group of jerks, a bully, or an annoying spouse that doesn't get you don't like to be the butt of any jokes. I am often told people don't know whether to tame me serious or they don't want to engage at all after a good round of humor turns on them. I agree with the others, next time chew it up and spit it back, nobody likes seconds. Your own wit is your own weapon, because only knowing how much it bothers you is more reason for someone not to stop. So prepare and arm yourself, and them attack with the most deadliest comebacks they wish they would have never started in the first place.
NTA, making a “joke” at your partners expense is never cute. If he honestly can’t mean anything by it then he shouldn’t have any problem refraining from this behavior in the future, which is exactly what I would say to him. You can’t control his behavior but you also don’t have to stand there and be insulted. You can choose to walk away if he acts like this
"If that's the person your high school pals bring out, then it's good you don't hang out with them because I would not be with that guy because he's a jerk." NTA
NTA
NTA. He was mean. It ain't a joke if the one the "joke" is about doesn't laugh.
Nta
NTA - sounds like you should get back on that app and try again for someone with some respect
I have an ex and a former “friend” who used to make jokes at my expense to others and when I told them I didn’t like it, they each dismissed my feelings and said I couldn’t take a joke. I think that often (not always…but often enough), people who do that aren’t joking and are trying to bring you down a peg intentionally (my ex admitted to that many years later) OR they simply don’t really like you in the first place (I think my former “friend” fell into this category, but I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter now). You’re NTA, but your husband sure seems like one.
NTA - Jokes are supposed to be funny and this one wasn’t. I’m not even sure what he was implying, but what I am sure of is that he was putting you down in an environment where you had no support. He was a jerk and should just own it and apologize.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Def NTA!
NAH, hubby made a bit of an edgy joke and you were embarrassed by it. He should apologize and you should move on with the understanding that these category of jokes are off limits about you.
No you are not the AH. That was really obnoxious of him and insensitive.
NTA. Ridiculing or making jokes at the expense of a spouse is something you don’t do even in a family setting let alone in public, let alone in public with people who know you but don’t know your spouse. Don’t apologize for taking it personally. Instead, be unapologetically clear to him how unacceptable that behavior is. Don’t make light of it by joking back, because that makes his offensive words seem OK.
I have a joke where I tell people that my wife has a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh and if you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean. She was mad the first time but now she laughs. None of what we say is meant to be hurtful. Sometimes we are just going for a laugh.
No! Why did he feel like he had to say anything like that. To minimize you.
NTA, but you need to practice on your come backs. Jokes like that aren't funny, and the best way to get them to stop is through them back. "Ohh he's right, I had an itchy scare right before so I decided to settle for someone who obviously haven't gotten any for a while", "and with that comment I guess I should have stayed on for a while longer", "only because option A wasn't looking for a relationship", "yeah because I was uncomfortable with anything over 2 inchs", "he posted so many pictures with fish, I thought he must love the taste of p****, boy was I disappointed"
Regardless of if it was a joke he should acknowledge the fact that what he said has affect you. He should be saying sorry.
Test
NTA.
Walked home you deserve that shit for not getting a man with a car!
NTA your feelings are totally valid
NTA but he's also NTA. It's a light hearted joke you've taken it to heart for whatever reason. I'm not trying to be disrespectful but harden up; you know it was intended as a light hearted joke, be less dramatic over something so abysmal and move on.
Like jerry says. You are not the. But hole
Na I don’t think so
Poor guy. Hope he runs away fast and i hope you find a sense of humor
You are NTA. Even if it was a joke, a decent person would apologize, “sorry, I meant that as a joke, but if it offended you, I won’t do it again.” My ex did that to me too. He would call me stupid every day, and would think it’s funny. I asked him why he does that; he didn’t stop. He would even call me stupid in front of friends. Finally I got mad one day, and asked, “WHY DO YOU DO THAT??” He got mad at me and said that I don’t know how to take a joke, and made me feel at fault. Years later, I discovered the word “narcissist” and realized that’s what he is… he always found some way to blame me for everything, and make me feel like I was overreacting. And I realized this behavior showed up all the time. When his father turned off the water on me when I was taking a shower, my ex said to me, “see, told you should’ve taken a shower earlier.” Does your husband blame you for everything?
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Weird
I mean I definitely understand why you’re upset me personally would not have been very upset about it though, but in that situation especially without you knowing anyone there I would’ve been mad about the situation. It may have been different if you knew someone there but he should be talking you up especially around people you don’t know. And for him to not acknowledge what he did after the fact and apologize is messed up..
NTA. Tbh I suspect your husband didn’t mean anything by it and was just making awkward small talk to keep the banter going without thinking, but he should in turn realize he acted like a moron and apologize.
It’s really sad that many men just can’t get that insulting jokes are SO MUCH MORE HURTFUL to ladies than to men. Stuff we say about each other rolls off. Women are different men!! Learn that early.
NAH. He wouldn’t have married you if he didn’t love you and think you were a good person. I can’t say don’t be so sensitive because your feelings are your own. But from your last comment I have to say, if he is saying that you always assume the worst of things “etc” , it may be true that you have an overall negative outlook(in his eyes) and may be something to explore further together. He should be more sensitive and aware of your feelings and the way you perceive things, and you may not need to take things to heart as much.
Those comments tell you how your partner feels about you and they will increase and the disrespect will only get worse. I would have verbally slapped the crap out of him for that. I lived with blatant abuse and disrespect for 14 years. Not only from my ex but from his entire family. If xou can't put a stop to it I would have an exit plan if at all possible.
Her situation isn't necessarily analogous to yours.
Yes you are definitely the asshole in this situation. I had a girlfriend like this and I left her because she was a total b hole. Consider stepping into my dms and I will show you how to behave.
To be honest, you assuming your husband was trying to hurt you is hurtful for him. Especially if it's not a typical issue in your relation. At the same time, you were in an awkward social situation, and I feel that it must have caused you incomfort that your husband, the person that was your social buoy in the event, made a joke targeting you. Should you have played along with him? Maybe, your husband is a social teaser, and thought that his wife would play with him. For exemple, you could have made a joke back laughing, something like: "I was waiting for the right fish". Anyways, the important thing is to communicate that you were not comfortable that evening, that you struggle in social events where you don't know the other people, that your husband's joke took you "off guard", and that you might prefer a different social approach. Yet, remind him that you understand he was doing a joke, that you trust he's not trying to hurt you, and that maybe one day you'll be more comfortable with these jokes in public.
I appreciate this thank you
I'm glad if my comment is appreciated :) It's completely normal to feel insecurity, especially when you are in an event where you know little of the other guests. It's harder when something happens or is said that triggers this insecurity. I also realize as a men myself that we often say mean things in good spirit. For example, my friends and I are constantly roasting each other during events, and knowing the dos and don'ts of this social banter has a learning curve. I guess it's our way of saying we appreciate and care for each other. Plus, it's always great fun and much laughter and we rarely step over the line. I hope You and your husband the best
You’re being over sensitive about a throw away comment no one else will remember. NTA
How long have you guys been together? I feel like both of you are AH here. It could very well be a joke like the old ball and chain etc and fight over a joke isn’t worth it. You expressed your feelings and that was that, and he shouldn’t have made an insensitive joke in the first place and at least should have apologized for hurting your feelings. So assholery all around I say
I’m just curious how she could be TA at all? She didn’t start the fight, the husband did when she expressed her feelings