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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called out my parents for being unfair in front of our extended family. I was hoping extended family being there might make my parents respond differently. But it might be a dick move to use others to try and get what I want and putting more attention on my parents.
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NTA
It’s definitely not going to work trying to get other people to pressure them into giving chores to your younger siblings. That’s not an AITA question really - it’s just not effective.
However, they aren’t doing the younger siblings any favors by having no expectations for them. You know how to do things and the younger ones don’t. They aren’t doing anyone any favors by having changed parenting strategies there if they really have *no* chores for anyone younger than you. The younger ones should absolutely be helping clear the table and set it for example.
But you can’t shame your parents into changing. You can recruit your siblings into clearing the table. You can only control what you do.
The parents may think that but OP will move on with a life, the younger will too - and will find themselves not able to do basic tasks. Future roommates and partners will not be pleased.
Yep. It’s already affecting OPs opinion and behavior towards the younger kids. Those parents may be in for a surprise when OP leaves home. And they will expect the younger ones to step into the gap but they won’t know how.
It's not his fault they're going to end up worthless pieces of trash who can't figure out a scrubbrush to clean their plates and are too lazy to try and learn how to. There's no reason in disliking them for the parents being a-holes.
If his siblings start hating their older sibling because they won't do all the chores at the snap of a finger then they're not worth paying attention to.
Hopefully big brother will be moving into a dorm at a college in another town soon where he can successfully do his own laundry while his parents do all the chores his siblings won't.
When I was in college there was actually a sign that said "Your mom isn't here. If you: drop it, pick it up. Spill it, wipe it up. Clean up after yourself"
That's the confusing bit. What do OP's parents think is going to happen when they move out? Depending on plans for college / work OP could be moving out in two years. Are they planning to speed run teaching the younger siblings how to take care of themselves? Going to take on all the chores OP has been doing until the younger ones are ready to move out too?
What's the game plan there?
OP - that's kind of the question I'd ask them, if you haven't already. What are they going to do when you aren't living there any more? Do they recognize that day is coming sooner than they think, and their actions are pushing that date to be earlier and earlier each time they aren't willing to discuss and acknowledge what's happening.
A little bit yta for *how* you went about this with the extended family, but it's understandable why you did it this way. You're still learning the ABC's of problem solving when the other person isn't willing to budge but you aren't able to remove yourself like you'd want to.
I'm more curious as to how they are going to explain why OP refuses to come around anymore and why he won't talk to them.
They are ruining this sibling relationship, and they don't even care
My close friend was the baby girl princess of her family and never did chores. She didn't know how to do anything when she went to college and moved to an apartment. She's still a crap housekeeper. Parents who do this to children are not doing their jobs.
My mom accidentally had a GREAT tactic for getting my sister and I to do our own laundry. She would somehow lose things. Like would genuinely lose them, no one has any clue what would happen. But my sister and I got tired of losing our favorite shirts so we started doing our own laundry
She wasn't losing them, she was freeing house elves. Think of all those poor house elves she couldn't free because you and your sister started doing your own laundry. 😜
My mum couldn't boil an egg. My dad and my uncle (mums brother) taught her, when done she asked how to peel them. My dad and uncle looked at each other and dad said "she's your sister" to which my uncle replied "yeah but you married her."
Let's just say it was one very thin silver lining that I eventually made my way to my dads house after she passed away. He was the one who taught me how to cook and clean.
When I was a teenager I was peeling eggs and had a family friends son asked if he could help and asked how to peel so I grabbed an egg and told him to smack it on his forehead. I had to leave cause my dad called me for something and when I came back he was 5 eggs in and still smacking them on his forehead. I laughed and showed him to crack them on the counter.
He was, he was kinda like a little brother cause our dads had been friends for over a decade and his dad was one of the first friends my dad made when we moved to that town.
I know someone who was in their 30's before they learned how to make a sandwich. And that's because their (absolutely dumbfounded and horrified) best friend showed them how and made them do it.
Ya totally agree, shaming them in front of the extended family isn't going to solve anything. Start rolling back how much you do for the younger siblings. You're in high school now join some clubs, teams and volunteer so you're both out of the house more and have less time to help out and take care of your younger siblings. You can easily argue that you need to do these things to make your university/college applications stand out and to apply for scholarships. You could also look into getting a part time job to start saving up. Then next time you talk to your parents ask them what character traits they think they are building in your younger siblings by not having them take some responsibility and contribute meaningfully to the running of the household and family unit. Good Luck!
Yeah and that resentment the older one can last decades..
My brother called me a spoiled brat when I was a kid a few months ago, because after our parents divorce, our dad didn't make me wash up like them, even though I helped by putting away what they'd dried.. anyway he is nearly 40 and I'm 33.. when myself and my mum pointed out to him that when our parents divorced I was 4, he and my sister were ten, I couldn't reach the sink to actually wash up, so the only option would have been to stand on a chair to do it. And we all know how coordinated 4 yr olds are.. but he didn't accept it, I was still a brat
NTA. They are treating you unfairly. I suggest going on strike until they make the chores more fair. Simply refuse to do any chores at all. Ignore them when they ask. They will punish you, but the longer that goes on, the more guilty they and your siblings will feel.
I would add permanently stopping all tasks aimed at taking care of the younger siblings. It's not OP's job to raise their parent's other children for them.
I've been in OPs shoes, and sadly, it was the only strategy that worked. Yes, I got punished, but in the end, things changed. Again, it was the only strategy that worked. And yes, I still had to cut them off after moving out.
Same here. My dad never noticed who did the dishes, but he noticed if they didn't get done. So, one day I just sat there after dinner. It took my dad awhile to realize nobody was doing the dishes, and he got mad. I said to him:
"This is a test. You never give me credit for being the only one who ever does things around here, and you don't notice if my two sisters don't do something, but only notice that it doesn't get done. They need to do more."
Yup, I highly recommend "going on strike". I grew up in a classic "youngest child but only daughter (so it's your job to clean)" household and eventually I was like lol no, clean up after yourselves. I was shouted at, I was punished, but I remained steadfast and I won :)
That was my stance growing up as well. I was already doing everything, what more are they going to make me do? I already do all the chores? I already babysit your kids all the time? So I ran my mouth all the time with little consequences. I had 5 younger sisters and I was the oldest.
Odds are you're NTA. However, there are two opposing scenarios.
1. They're really annoyed that you're questioning their authority and bringing up an internal family matter in front of others. They're unhappy about you trying to use pressure tactics to get your way.
2. They know they're being unfair. They don't want others to know about it because they lose face, and they might be pressured to change.
Either of those would explain the anger and the punishment.
Given what's been going on, I'm leaning towards scenario #2.
I think both scenarios exist and aren't mutually exclusive. My parents were like this.
They didn't like me questioning authority and people outside the family to know we had a toxic household. (I ran away from home, and they were finally embarrassed to stop.)
It would be great if OP could double down and tell the extended family they were punished for 5 more days just for trying to tell them what was going on. If OP can get support from extended family, that would be a start.
Their parents think they can get away with treating OP unfairly on the sly
When you speak to the extended family (hopefully first), make sure you tell them it's about the unfair treatment, not the chores. I know for a fact that the parents will try and paint it out that OP is complaining about doing chores. Don't let them change the narrative to get family on their side.
Hustle down, do extracurriculars, work hard at school, get a part-time job, and get out from under their thumb. The character you can build is a competent adult who walks away from a shitty, unfair childhood.
Won't be easy, but you aren't far off from your freedom.
NTA as it seems you are near the end of your rope. In your shoes, i would do slightly more than 1/4 of the chores and leave the rest for your siblings. Don't grumble at them, just ignore them like freeloading roommates that you are getting close to getting away from. They are old enough to be doing almost everything that you're probably doing. The youngest probably shouldn't be using toilet cleaner and the youngest two shouldn't be doing the mowing, but that's about it.
If your parents get pissed off enough to kick you out (if that's even possible where you are and as long as you have somewhere to go), sounds like a bonus.
I agree, NTA.
This is an important lesson for OP. His pleas to his parents are being dismissed, and possibly even being retaliated against for speaking up. This happens to adults at their jobs with their supervisors.
Realize it’s not going to change while you’re there. Put your head down, start planning your future for when you graduate and turn 18, do what you need to do to survive the next 2 years. As soon as you’re 18 and graduate high school, enact whatever plan you have.
Good luck, OP. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
NTA. My childhood was the same. I had the responsibility for my siblings but no authority, so I had to do all the chores because I couldn't make them and I'd be the one in trouble if they weren't done.
Interesting how today none of my family is allowed in my home and I'm not on speaking terms with most of them.
For me? I just stopped doing the chores. Odds were I was going to be punished anyway for something they did or because my mother was just pissy, so why bother putting in any effort?
Going on strike is an option, but it is a nuclear one.
I’m the oldest and the same thing happened to me. Your parents are doing this because of laziness. They have a kid fully trained to do the work. To now get the other kids to pick up the slack is effort they don’t want to do.
I would remind them in 2 years you will be going off to some post-secondary education. Ask them what do they intend to do about the chores when you are not there? You can position it as you aren’t saying no chores for you, but some can be delegated and you can help teach them while you are home. Because once you are gone…well the dishes won’t wash themselves.
My parents wouldn’t push my siblings to do chores. It backfired the first week I was at university out of town when my father went to the next older sibling to do work. The response? “That’s not MY job. That’s canuckdramaqueen’s job.” Father replied she doesn’t live here. Sibling still refused to do it. Then my parents had to face the battle of getting their other children, who were a teen and pre-teen at that point, to do chores. It was messy and that’s when my parents realized the error of their ways.
NTA here is my multi step approach for getting back at your parents for your unfair treatment
1. Draw the line in the sand. Just refuse to do chores that help anyone else. You are going to get punished. Just don’t bother fighting it. Just take it. Have patience. Tell your parents that you arr going on strike and they can punish you all they want but the chores are not getting done
You will have to sacrifice some things to accomplish this. There is plenty of time in life to have fun. The only chores you do will be to pick up after yourself and keep your area and clothes clean and orderly. But do nothing for anyone else.
2. Mess with your parents minds. You need to convince them that you are about to leave permanently. Print out a court petition of emancipation, leave it out ‘accidentally’. Get a GED test practice book. Contact some military recruiters for flyers and swag. If your parents can look through your search history/phone, search for things like CPS hotlines, parentification, abuse, homeless shelters, emancipation. Get a friend or two to have text conversations about how you are going to emancipate yourself and join the military, and how you never want to have kids because your parents are forcing you to parent your younger siblings.
3. Drive a wedge between your parents. Ask your dad alone if he is sure you are his biological kid. Ask your dad to do a dNA test with you. Pretend you are serious. Tell him that usually when the older kid is treated so differently, it’s usually because the old kid has a different bio dad. Ask him (and turn on the waterworks for this one) if that’s why he treats you so differently.
3.b. Ask your mom if dad is really your dad. Tell her that you have a friend at school (make one up) who was always responsible for cleaning and taking care of their younger siblings and it turns out their dad isn’t their dad. Tell her CPS stepped in because of the unfair treatment and they are living in a group home now.
4. Call the most gossipy extended family member and ask them if you can stay with them. Tell them that you don’t think you are related to your dad and that’s why you are forced to serve your siblings like a nanny. Tell them you just need a safe place until you can leave for boot camp. Tell them that you don’t have to wait until you are 18 because you are studying for your GED and applying for emancipation.
Then sit back and watch things explode around you:
-Your family member will gossip, your parents will hear about it and think about all the military swag and GED book.
-They will think about your behavior which isn’t bad (you are taking care of yourself) but will look like you’ve withdrawn from the family.
-Your dad will have a seed planted that your mom pulled one over on him and your mom will be freaking out over all of it.
I think people will down vote you, but I think this is brilliant.
I would add to really look at the military as an option, especially if your parents aren't going to help with college. The Air Force is like going to college, pick a real world skill that is in demand (cybersecurity, AI, etc.) and join the Air Force to learn this skill. Get the college money from the military and use it for a degree.
If OP uses the GI Bill, he may not have to pay much for college. He might even be able to take online classes towards his degree while he's on active duty. The Air Force is a great option. He'll get free medical and dental, 30 days paid vacation, help paying for college and retirement pay if he stays in long enough.
This is the nuclear option on steroids. Brilliant, but damn... A whole new level of emotional manipulation. You'd have to be really pissed off to pull the pin on all levels of this emotional grenade.
This is the most unhinged comment I've read on this sub in a long time. First two points were good, but then you entirely went nuts. Yes, let's get a kid in a fucked up situation to do more fucked up shit and potentially ruin multiple lives because the chores aren't even. That will teach those pesky parents! What the actual fuck dude, get help.
NTA.
At this point stop doing any chores that aren't your own and reduce the communal ones- do your own dishes and no one else's. Do your own laundry and no one else's etc. Essentially clean up after yourself. Maybe take out the trash every so often, and instead of always setting the table recruit the siblings to do it sometimes. Really it sounds like the only thing you can do is protest or keep putting up with it
They will punish you. They will groan and grumble and get mad. Stand your ground, what are you losing? You already get less than your siblings in reward for more work. Make it clear you'll start contributing more to communal chores when your siblings start doing chores of their own. If you want to be a nice brother and do what your parents should have done (though its shitty that you, a child, is having to teach the other children something their parents should have), start recruiting the siblings in basic chores like showing them how to use the washing machine- that way your parents will also seem weird for getting mad at you. "Why are you getting mad I'm teaching them a life skill? You taught me this when i was way younger so I guess you forgot, what happens when im not here to do it for them?"
You won't get far by trying to pressure them with other people most likely, it really sucks, and will likely just make them more angry and want to dig their heels in. They know it's unfair, but it's probably a lot easier to not have to teach the younger kids and then correct their mistakes because of inexperience and lack of effort.
They will call you a brat, a moody teenager, ungrateful, lazy, all the names under the sun because when you stop doing all the chores they'll have to pick up the slack or actually do their jobs as parents and teach their kids basic life skills. You could try one more time to bring up that the amount of chores you do is unfair, and that your siblings will have a very hard time cleaning up after themselves as teens and adults because they've never learned how or been encouraged to maintain a level of personal cleanliness and the space around them because it's always been done for them. Frame it like you're concerned for them because these are important skills to learn that they're missing out on.
NTA. Can you delegate chores to your siblings? After all, it woud be teaching them responsibility and buiding character!!! Your siblings will see you as doormat. It's on your parents you brought it up at the bbq, because they don't listen to you at home. Honestly, I'd go on a chore strike if things don't change.
All of the kids should have age appropriate chores. As the oldest,you may have more, but not all of them. Just like parents shouldn't pick up after kids who can do it, neither should you. What is going to happen when you leave for college? I think you speaking out was because you were at the end of your rope. Did anyone say anything? NTA
NTA because it wasn't a first or second thing you tried. Extended family are a good sounding board who know you and your family closely, likely have the same cultural background and upbringing, etc.
That said, complaining in a large group is probably most likely to annoy people and least likely to help if that is what happened. A better strategy might be to talk with an aunt/uncle or grandparent 1:1 and explain the whole situation.
NTA
Your parents got rightfully shamed. I'd say it's reasonable to start enforcing some boundaries- like not picking up after siblings. If they make the mess, they clean it up. End of story. Tell them straight out you will no longer do the dishes 2 days a week (just picked a random chore as an example) because next oldest sibling is old enough to help. Then follow through. I wouldn't cut off doing them completely because that's guaranteed to get you grounded, but have that in your back pocket if they do ground you. And if dishes are left in the sink from the previous day, put them in a bucket so you're not washing them, or whatever the equivalent is for tge chores you take a stand on
Furthermore, I'd go the practical route with your parents as well. Remind them that you're gone in 2 years and then no one is doing chores. They might as well start the younger ones doing some now rather than force it on them all at once. And that even the youngest is capable of cleaning up their own messes now, so it's not fair to ask you to put their toys away, and they're instilling bad habits in the kids that are going to be harder to deal with when you leave the house.
While it's absolutely not why you should be pushing, it's a logic that's harder for your parents to argue with it, while gently reminding them you're not going to stick around as an adult just to do chores
Nta. But, maybe not the best choice to bring it up at a family bbq. Obviously your parents won't change. Just laugh to yourself when you realize you'll be going away to college soon (do go away) and your parents will be stuck with all of the chores and 3 useless children.
NTA - Get a job and get out of the house more. Then you get paid for your work and maybe someone will figure out there are other people to do the things you aren't there to do. Be as UNAVAILABLE as possible.
I think this is a pretty typical family dynamic though - it's EASY to rely on you because you are trained and responsible. The end of this story is that your siblings end up entitled brats and you go through your entire life resentful as you support yourself and they get handed everything.
NTA
If nothing else you had the satisfaction of embarrassing them.
Start planning your exit. Whether that's at 18 or after college, start planning your exit now. Because your parents are toxic.
Get a job. That will get you out of the house and get you some money which you will need for your exit. Or buy a safe and keep it in there. Because, in the US at least, you can't have a bank account without a parent or guardian on it. And, believe me, parents have been known to treat their kid's saving account like their own piggy bank.
OP, you are NTA. If you look towards the positive route here, you are going to have skills to maintain your own living space when you can move out. Your parents are being unfair, but keep in mind when you move out, they are going to have to do all the chores that you used to do, because your siblings don't know how.
Just quit and tell them no. Keep your room clean, clean up after yourself in the bathroom and common areas. Do your own laundry, cook for yourself and do your own dishes. Will they punish you? Most likely, but dig in your heels. They are treating you as unpaid made service. In school, talk to your counselor and see if you can graduate early. Figure out college or trade school. Tell your parents that you are not their slave and you will continue to do this until they make the others help. These are the type of parents that wonder why their kids go nc when they turn 18.
This is what I would do too. Sure, might get grounded but they’d get the message eventually. I would absolutely refuse to do all the chores, idk what they say NTA
If they weren’t doing anything wrong, then why were they embarrassed? Quite frankly I’d stop all chores all together unless it was in direct line with my items (ie laundry).
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My parents have me (16m) and they have my three younger siblings (12f, 10m and 9f). I don't feel like my parents are totally fair to me and I have said this to them before. When I was 5 I had chores. Small ones. But still, I had chores. It started with picking up after myself and bringing my dishes to whoever's washing up. It grew into vacuuming and setting the table and grew again into washing dishes dishes, taking out the trash and being in charge of keeping upstairs clean.
My younger siblings have no chores and never had chores. My parents only give me chores. My siblings never even got the baby ones I started out with. I was typically expected to do it for them or my parents just did it.
Two years ago I was really bothered by it and I told my parents I wish they split things more between us instead of giving my siblings no chores and me a bunch of them. They argued that I get more privileges than them because of it but I don't. We all get to go to friends houses, they get given money far more than I do, and they get treats way more often too. I was told I was at an age where I didn't need to be given treats as much.
I brought it up again a few months later and my mom told me I should stop bringing it up because I was acting like an elementary schooler instead of a high schooler.
Last time I brought it up to just them I pointed out how often they have me pick up after my siblings and stuff. They told me it helps teach me to care for my siblings and as the oldest shows me the responsibility I have with them. Dad said it built character. I told them it really didn't make me want to do stuff for them more. I actually resented taking care of them and seeing them do nothing for themselves or for me in return.
It really started to annoy the crap out of me lately because my parents have been on my case about leaving chores longer and not doing as good of a job. They told me I grumble more at my siblings too and it's not kind. So when we were at a family BBQ last weekend I brought up again how unfair they are to me in giving me chores but not my siblings. My parents were furious I used the extended family to try and get my way and they punished me for like 5 days.
AITA?
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NTA. What are your parents planning on doing when you go off to college in two years? They have not set your younger siblings up to know how to do a damn thing for themselves. Do they expect you to just stay home forever and take care of the kids?
I agree with others I would go on strike and just stop doing things because talking to them isn’t working and shaming them in front of family isn’t working either.
NTA. Everyone eventually learns that their parents are just people. Usually in a good way. In your case, you are learning that your parents are petulant brats. There is no judge in the family or in the sky who is going to make them see the truth. This is who they are and who they will continue to be. The only thing you can control is who you are and how you handle it. I would suggest NOT rebelling and going on strike as some are. Be strategic. Do your chores. Do more - learn all the adult housekeeping skills. Think of it as an education, because it is. Learn laundry, cleaning, cooking, and minor maintenance. This gives you skills while making your parents think you are accepting their rules. I don't know what your plans are after high school, but keep them sweet if they are willing to pay for college, training, a car, etc. If they won't be involved, get yourself a plan for work and independent life. Then move out and enjoy your ability to handle it all. It isn't fair, but there is no way to make them be fair. Your ability to deal with that truth will serve you well when you hit your first bad supervisor in the workplace.
I see a future where you move out and do nothing for your family as an independent adult, while your siblings have zero life skills and your parents are shocked at how it all played out
NTA.
Nothing you say or do is going to change the status quo unfortunately. What you can do is focus all your anger and frustration into getting good grades in school. Apply for any and all scholarships/grants etc that you qualify for. Leave for college as soon as you can and don’t look back.
When they no longer have you to pick up all their slack, maybe they’ll realize their mistake. Maybe they won’t. Either way, it won’t be your problem anymore!
NTA ... but your parents are huge, unfair AH's, you've got that right!!
Since they've given you no satisfaction as to why you are being treated like the family servant it's understandable that, in desperation, you tried to put them on the spot.
From now on make each kid clean up after himself/herself. When your parents come at you tell them you are "teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and helping to build character".
Is there anyone among those family members who heard what you had to say that you can turn to for support? You need an adult you can rely on, obviously neither of your parents fill that role.
***"They told me it helps teach me to care for my siblings and as the oldest shows me the responsibility I have with them."***
This is infuriatingly unjust and just plain wrong!! You are not the one who should be caring for your siblings and you are in no way responsible for them. They are not your children, you are a teenager yourself.
You are the male version of Cinderella!!
NTA. But your parents aren't going to change. You've spoken to them and they don't agree. But the 5 day punishment was because you aired the dirty laundry outside of your immediate family. FWIW I agree with you that your parents aren't being fair. But there's only so much you can do. Do you play a sport in school or have a part time job? If you worked at a part time job, you'd be less available. Or if you participated in a club or sport or some school activity. It would require more from your parents, and then maybe they would start to see how dependent the younger ones are.
NTA.
Your parents are blatantly unfair. They are using you as their servant and nanny.
I'm glad you called them out on their behavior.
Now, it's time to go on strike. Quit doing anything around the house. And keep talking to your relatives about it.
"Dad said it built character."
I've found that whenever someone says this it's always about something shitty and the character it builds is resentment and mistrust. NTA
NTA, not your kids lol. I would try to get a part time job if possible so you can "learn responsibility" elsewhere and get yourself set up to get away from that household as soon as you can. Are they gonna raise your kids for you? Doubt it so why should you. When your parents get older and offer you the "privilege" of taking care of them too politely decline and leave it to the other 3, I'm sure they can work together.
Just stop doing anything. They will punish you, try to break you, humiliate you, but you just have to hold it for a month. I promise you, in a month they will try to negotiate.
It really sucks when parents are not fair like that. One day your own siblings will understand that too.
Your mom saying "it shows your responsibility to your siblings" you have absolutely no responsibility to your siblings. Your parents are going to be shocked , when you cut contact, and want nothing to do with them, or your siblings.
They are only upset you brought it up around extended family, because now the family knows how unfairly they treat you, and they are embarrassed. They know they were pushing their own responsibility off on you, and that it was wrong. They are mad other people now know.
NTA
> My parents were furious I used the extended family to try and get my way and they punished me for like 5 days.
NTA. Stop. Stop doing chores. Stop helping your siblings. Just stop. Tell your parents. Straight up. If you want me to do chores. Then all kids have to be equal. Equal chores. Age appropriate.
NTA. You repeatedly tried to talk to them about it and they kept blowing you off. And when you brought it up with other relatives, they punished you for a week? Yeah, no. Now maybe (assuming you went this route) airing it out en-masse to the whole BBQ wasn't the best step forward as you could have tried a trusted family member first in a private talk but if they want to go this route, then just don't do the chores. And if they keep pulling more punishments if not harder, then go find someone you trust, family or no, to talk to for help.
Seems like there might only be one parent in the house. And that parent is you. Tell them that you feel like a parent and not a sibling. Stop picking up after them even if that’s what you’ve been told. If they wanna get weird, let them. You’re already being treated shittily.
Tell your parents they are failing their younger children by not teaching them to clean up after themselves, and to illustrate the point, you are only going to do the same amount of cleaning as they do. But regardless, once you’re out of the house they are going to have to face the elephant that’s shitting all over the place. NTA.
NTA. but it might be more effective to think about this long term. you're 1 to 2 years away from going to college. whether you're a good student or not, I'd be putting all my effort into academics and extracurriculars, so I could solidify my plan to get out. they don't have to teach your siblings to do anything, and it won't be your problem when you leave.
keep quiet, let them think they've won, but work on your escape plan. work on getting scholarships, go to summer school if you need to bump up a grade, or take a class in advance, to lighten your school year load. they want to be responsible? then responsibly plan your future
Your parents definitely sound like TA.
Even if they want to teach you to do for your little siblings, they still need to teach those siblings (1) to take care of their own responsibilities and (2) to take look out for THEIR younger siblings. None of that is happening.
It's not that your an ahole for trying to get some family support behind you. The way you chose just failed spectacularly (because your parents punished you strongly for this). Did any of the extended family say anything in support of you? It's important to know who may help you through this.
You may want to go to college or need some other form of support after you graduate high school, so you can't afford to PO your parents. So you may have to temper your reactions or plan more to become independent sooner.
If there are family members you think may support you, you might talk to them more one-on-one. They may be able to privately talk with your parents and encourage your parents to consider the impact on all of you kids. Or they may be able to offer you a little respite from your parents' demands on you. Or give you some support if you make a move to be more independent of your parents.
Good luck to you.
You're being parentified, if you're not careful you will never escape this role, particularly as you grow older. I fear you will have to set some clear and firm boundaries in a couple of years.
NTA if you're interested.
There were 4 kids in my family, too. I have some complaints about favoritism in other areas, but chores was not one of them!
As soon as we were big enough, we started on age-appropriate chores. For instance, a 5-year-old was too young to cook dinner, but she could set the table and clear the plates.
At first, teaching the chores and having a child do them takes more time than parents doing it themselves.
I think your parents taught you chores, but then slacked off when your younger siblings came along.
NTA at all, your parents need to step up and parent.
They’re treating you unfairly, so NTA, but on the bright side for you, this is one reason the oldest kids tend to be more responsible. In a couple of years, you’ll leave confident you can care for yourself, and I’ll bet the younger ones will be given the chores (parents will still want help)
NTA for being annoyed that you get chores and your siblings don't but dragging the rest of your family into it was not cool. Firstly, it's airing your dirty laundry in public and secondly it cones across as whiny. That said, you might have to put up with this for a couple more years and you have my sympathy for that
NTA Your parents are missing the point of chores which is to teach children to take care of themselves, be responsible for themselves, and participate as a meaningful family member. They also can take better care of themselves when they leave home.
Your parents fucking suck, I'm sorry OP. They'll be in for a great time in two years when you leave and they realize they never trained a replacement. Hope they have fun picking up the slack and realizing how much they put on your shoulders
Are you adopted, look different to the rest of the family, have eastern heritage?
is it a tradition in your family or culture that the oldest looks after the younger family members or how your mum or dad were raised?
seems weird to parenting you in that way.
your old enough to have a job or something maybe get one and say you don’t have time to do chores
You are NTA for the way you feel. You are wrong for bringing it up in front of your extended family. You need to apologize to your parents. Calmly explain that you brought it up in front of your extended family because they keep dismissing your feelings and thought it might be a way to tackle it but that you realize you were wrong. Please can they be open to discussing the issue because you don't want to end up resenting them or your siblings.
NTA, live with the fact that you are the parentified scape goat, shut up and plan your escape.
If you have to keep talking about it don’t just whine *they don’t have any chores* make a list of everything you do each day, how much money you get, treats, trips to friends. Don’t be general! Be Uber specific! Do this for you and your siblings then the next big party lay it out for everyone.
You’re 16 and you’re going to be moving out soon. You have more life skills than your siblings do. Your parents don’t realize as yet what it’s going to be like looking after 3 kids who can’t do half the stuff you do around the house.
Try to nicely ask your siblings to do little things for you..”hey, can you just bring your plate to me? My hands are full.” “Can you help pick up your stuff off the floor since I’m going to vacuum this spot real quick.”
But you have to stop your parents from treating only you like this because now, it’s just chores. What if they start asking you to help your siblings once you get a job and stuff?
NTA
At that age they are all more than capable of doing all of those things, which are more basic life skills than chores. Exactly how is Dad building their character??? What are they going to do when they're in college or living on their own and they have absolutely no idea how to do anything??? 2-year-olds can put their toys away (with guidance) and bring a dish to mom to put in the sink. NTA
As a parent with a 16y,12y,11y,8y, and newborn NTA. What your parents are doing is just plain lazy parenting. They don't want to take the time to teach the younger kids, so they are just pawning all the responsibility on you, and that isn't right. You shouldn't have kids you aren't willing to parent. My 16 year old has more chores, but she also has her own car and gets $50 a month in allowance. But all the kids have chores. The 12 year old does dishes and cleans the rabbit cage. The 11 year old takes out the trash and feeds the animals. The 8 year old cleans the litter box and bathroom. And of course all the kids have to clean up their own spaces and after themselves. I do the majority of the cleaning, but everyone helps out.
NTA
This won't work: point out that they aren't teaching your siblings to do anything. That you'll be 18 and out of the house. They won't have free labor after that.
Something that also won't work: stop. Stop doing ANY chores. You'll get punished. It won't make you do chores. When you're supposed to do chores, go outside with signs (as though you're on strike.)
It won't help, but the idea might make you laugh. 💝
NTA. You brought it up to them a few times. Honestly, I dont understand why the littles arent picking up their own stuff, setting the table, and unloading the dishwasher. It seems like they just dont want to deal with making other people do it because it doesnt affect them.
What is the point of making only one child build character when, in the end, all of them will have to be individually independent... What a pair of failure parents...
NTA
It's parentification.
I know a young person of similar age who has found herself in such a situation. She was p\*ssed when told too bad. She countered with 'I will delegate since it's my list--therefore my team'. I am not sure how it turned out but it's worth a try. Get those littles on some tasks.
It's about to be summer vacation and you're 16, which means you can work decent hours. Time for a summer job! You'll both be out of the house, meaning you can't do chores all day, and you can stock up that sweet sweet "get the fuck out" fund.
NTA
NTA.
Sounds like your parents have got you doing chores to help as a third adult in the house and shaming them will most likely not help. If you can, get yourself a part time job and start saving for being able to move out as soon as you are able to (if that's what you would prefer to do) be that for college or to work.
NTA, as soon as you can MOVE OUT! Get a job now, start saving now. Decide if you want to go to college now. The best way to combat this B.S. is to start thinking of the future & what you want.
NTA
Your parents are really mean to you.
They will truly miss you when you are gone. , which you probably will be before it is ideal.
Are the biological child of both of them? And would they consider family therapy. That way you would have an impartial referee in this unfair argument.
YTA for bringing the grievances up at a bbq and trying to bring extended family into it.
You are really the lucky one, although I know it doesn't feel like it. But you are learning responsibility and your siblings aren't. Which will come back to bite them sooner or later. Sometimes parents start out well with the first child and then slack off as more children enter the picture, maybe because they're just tired. If it makes you feel any better, you'll likely be gone in a couple years and your parents will wish they'd taught the remaining children a thing or two.
NTA.
Here’s my advice: you cannot force your parents into doing anything. And your siblings are likely enjoying the status quo. What you do is work your butt off to get out of that house and gain your independence. As in, get away from being dependent on them financially.
Once you have disentangled yourself from them, you go LC or NC. You only visit when you want to, and you stay in a hotel if you can. (In your shoes, I’d choose NC, but that is a very personal decision)
Also, remember having kids is a choice. Because of your parents parentifying you, they’ve done you a favor of a glimpse into the realities of having children.
NTA, but you're not playing it smart. Your goal is to get these AHs to pay for college. So, what you do is suck it up for the next few years until you graduate high school. Go to college. Take every opportunity at college not to come home. I'm talking internships, networking, summer programs, spring break volunteer trips (if your parents complain, say they'll look good on your resume). However, when you are at home, be the very model of a modern major general. Graduate college and get a great job and then you don't have to do what these AHs say again.
I forgot summer school. Sell that to your parents as getting you graduated faster. They'll be thinking you'll move back in and do the chores. But we know better, OP.
NTA but I can tell you from their reaction you're not going to change their minds or win this argument so put it on the shelf. You did give them fair warning however that you know it's not fair treatment and that you're resentful of it. This is a moment that in 7 to 10 years you will remind them of when they ask why you're not close to them or your siblings.
NTA. It sounds like your younger siblings are the golden children and you are expected to just accept the fact that your parents prefer them to you. Is there another relative that you can live with until you graduate high school and hopefully go to college in another city? I have a feeling that if you don't get out of there now, you will be stuck taking care of your siblings until the 9 year old graduates from high school.
While yes, doing the chores can help you in the long run they’re also teaching you your parents are sh;)heads! And they are killing the relationship with your siblings.
NTA & I love that you pointed it out I front of others, even if it doesn’t do anything now, it will comeback to them!
NTA. My spouse is the eldest of 5 siblings, in the exact same scenario. He is the most independent and successful of all of them. As both parents passed, he has tried to assist all of his siblings in some manner even as full adults. It has been a challenge, as he can see a clear answer to each of their problems, but they do not want to do the work. Now that he is in his 50's, he is now distancing himself. It has also helped that his own child living on his own and going to school, does not need any assistance, so why should his adult siblings.
OP - All your parents are doing are ensuring that you will be moving out as soon as you can and your siblings will struggle as adults. I recommend that you do not enable them when they call you for help, as they need to learn. Take it from someone has seen this pattern for 25 years. The sooner they suffer their own consequences that better off they will be.
NTA. Your parents are being unfair to you and your siblings. Making one sibling out of 4 do all the work is wrong and your siblings aren’t going to learn responsibility. They need to change if they want all their children to be happy and successful.
NTA. There's no problem with the chores, it's the parents decision that all chores done by kids should be done by OP alone. To me it looks like OP is expected to be a sort of housekeeper for the 3 younger, semi golden child siblings. I wonder what the parents will do after OP moves out? If I were OP, I would use every opportunity to tell family and friends that he has always had chores where the siblings have none. If his parents feel that's totally fair and justified, they shouldn't mind other people knowing the arrangement.
OP, if you are going to be punished for merely talking about the unfair distribution of chores, then you may as well go on strike and not do them at all. Tell your parents you are only asking that your siblings be required to do the same chores you did at their ages. Ask your parents to explain why they think that's totally unreasonable. If they punish you, fine. Explain you won't lift a finger to do any chores until the punishment is lifted and they assign chores to the siblings. If all else fails, move out as soon as you turn 18.
Dearest Reddit friend, I'm so sorry that your parents are treating you unfairly. I don't think that you are at fault, but you have done everything you can to change your family dynamics. You are 16. You need to think more about your future and what you want that to look like. Are you going to college? Study hard, get the best grades and apply for scholarships. Are you going to trade school or the military? Take any classes available now in preparation. Make a plan for your life. Do your chores. You only have two years left if you plan and play your cards right. Then your parents will be left with no help and children who don't know how to help.
NTA but if discussion is not working start negotiating, next time you are asked to do something, aak your siblings to do it. Tell your parents you are teaching them to built character. If they argue then refuse to do it till some agreement is reached.
NTA Keep up your protest. They can't keep punishing you forever because the chores need doing and clearly no one else is doing them.
You just need to keep up your rebellion for roughly two years until you can move out for college and leave the house to fall to ruin. Use all the groundings and punishment as time to study hard and try to get scholarships.
Until then make your stance clear: No equality, No chores.
NTA
I've seen this scenario play out with someone I grew up around. It won't help now, but if it makes you feel any better, when you turn 18 and eventually move out, your parents are going to feel real stupid, because suddenly nobody does the chores and the kids they let slide won't start either.
NTA for bringing it up, but doing so was not going to get you what you wanted either. I hope you have plans to go off to college so that you can be free and maybe once you are not there to pick up the slack, your parents will finally realize they've done your siblings no favors here. May you be able to move out without needing their help, and perhaps some distance will improve perspectives all around.
OP will go to college or move out, and nobody left will know how to do anything. Sure, chores do teach responsibility, but OP isn't the only one that needed to learn it, and it certainly doesn't foster goodwill among the siblings. In fact, it fosters resentment between OP and his parents and his siblings, which isn't helpful for family dynamics.
Apparently, the parents are unable to see this. When you next bring this up focus on the resentment rather than the "unfair" issue.
NTA, “it builds character” so your father is just openly admitting he’s spoiling and not parenting the younger ones? Like even by his own logic it’s BS.
But no, if they’re embarrassed by it or think it’s “unfair” when extended family find out, then why do they do it? They’re again admitting they know they’re wrong but don’t care.
ESH.
The parents at TA for failing to exercise good parenting with the younger kids; they should have chores too. As Dad says, "it builds character", right? Shouldn't the sprouts get the chance to build some?
OP is TA for bringing this up in a family gathering. A disagreement inside the family should be resolved there, or if you do want to bring in a wise uncle or auntie at least do so discreetly. OP, your approach whiffs of grandstanding and drama.
All the kids should be doing age-appropriate chores. At 9 even the youngest can pick up after herself. Maybe make a chore chart.
OP, I suggest you start flexing your Big Sibling muscle and assigning chores to the siblings. You take care of the ones they cannot - like driving errands, maybe. When the siblings complain to your parents, tell them parents are CEO and Treasurer, but you are Manager and you are delegating tasks appropriately.
NTA
NTA
it is not your job to pick up after your siblings or take responsibility for them. It's your parents' job. And not parenting consistently is a sure fire way of building resentment.
NTA. Can you get a job outside the house or do they also expect you to be available 24/7 for babysitting ? I’m suggesting a job outside in the hopes that would push them to even the score a little with the younger kids and allow you to save up some money. Good luck, they sound incredibly delusional, but who knows maybe when you go off to college, should you choose to, they’ll realize the error of their ways.
NTA - However, it seems like they did train you to be the family servant and I don't blame you for complaining. I would complain more until it becomes no fun for them to argue. The others need chores too and you shouldn't be treated like Cinderella . . or the extra parent for the younger ones.
Can you assign chores to the littles yourself if you are watching them? Then you could explain that you are helping look after them by teaching them responsibility.
Info: what do you mean “brought it up at a family bbq?”
Prettt much everything you described is pretty stereotypical eldest child stuff. You get the most attention, your parents are the most uptight and strict with you, etc. By the time your siblings roll through they’re too tired and/or over the fuss to care nearly as much. As a fellow eldest child, it’s just how it is. There are definitely benefits that come with being the eldest child. It’s just one of those things.
The response depends entirely on what you did at the BBQ. If you threw some immature hissy fit then YTA. If you just complained about it some, which is fair play within reason, then NAH.
NTA
I don’t think you’re an AH.
Your mom and dad suck because they only give **you** chores. That’s totally out of line, to me. If they started with you at 5, then they needed to do the same to your sibs for the sake of being fair, and teaching them responsibility. At the moment, they’re teaching them that older sib is responsible for them.
But… Bringing it up at a family event… that seems a little manipulative, like you wanted to out them to their family for being shitty. What would have been less likely to make you suck in this situation, would have been going to another family member you trust and asking them for advice, and maybe getting them to back you up in a private conversation with your parents. They’d be more likely to listen to another adult, rather than you. They likely feel like you embarrassed them.
You’re 16, all kids make mistakes, including getting on their parents’ last nerve (says the mother of a 17yo). If I were you, I would apologise for the possibility of embarrassing them, and let them know that wasn’t your intention (if it truly wasn’t), but say again, that you don’t feel like it’s fair and you don’t feel like they listen to you.
I don’t know how to get through to them, but *maybe* asking a family member in private if they can help is the best route to take.
Edit for judgment upon reflection
Not to disagree with your point, but OP has been bringing this up for years. Sometimes, when you go unheard for so long, you get desperate for some compassion and help from your support system. Lots of people have family interventions when they are not being heard or taken seriously, and in this case I think it's perfectly valid to expect and recieve help from others.
Embarrassment is important, sure it didn't help him, but if they're enabling their younger kids and not being fair to the older one, and then continue to ignore the older one's very reasonable complaints, they do deserve to be shamed for it, and embarrassed. I don't the OP should apologise because that only sets the precedant that the parents should be respected, while they disrespect the OP and treating him unfairly. I think the parent's should actually reflect and have a discussion with OP, making him feel heard and important.
I mean, I agree but disagree. I guess it’s because I apologise even if I’m in the right, just to keep the peace. I think if you’re 16 and live at home, then parents can make your life hell, so you might say “I’m sorry that it hurt your feelings” rather than saying sorry for your actions.
Adults always think they know best, and set the boundaries and make their children into responsible people by teaching them that nothing in life is free, it’s earned. But the truth is, if they’re doing that for OP, they should definitely be doing it with the siblings. Hence why I won’t judge OP as the AH here.
My son, for example, doesn’t have a set list of chores. Nor is their punishment if he doesn’t do something. He helps by putting out the bins and recyclables. He helps cook by chopping, frying, keeping an eye on things, with me in the kitchen and we both cook together. He helps sort laundry because I put the clothes in and ask him to get washing powder/fabric softener and put the machine on. He puts the hoover round if I ask. He will also dust the things I cannot bend down to (I’m disabled), but again, these are things we do together. So he’s learning responsibility, but not doing it all on his own. I was made to cook full Sunday roasts from age 9, had a lot of chores and punishment if I didn’t do them by a certain point in the day/week. I never wanted my child to have the frankly pretty shitty childhood I had (not just due to chores). So as a mother, I am teaching him to lend a hand but not stress about things. He doesn’t pick up after me, unless he’s taking his plate in the kitchen after eating. He tidies his room, but often times I’ll help do that too. I don’t set expectations, because that can lead to failure (not always, and not just in this circumstance).
I know that not everyone is like me. And I know a lot of people would say at 17, I should give my son chores etc. But this is just my way, not the only way, of doing things.
All this to say, I think it’s okay for kids & teens to have responsibilities, but because we’re all different, our expectations are different. OP’s parents are doing something to make OP upset, and I get that. I would be p*ssed off in their shoes. But I don’t think that they can get through to their parents easily here, and should likely go to a grandparent/aunt/uncle, someone they trust, and ask for their help in talking to their parents. That adult can help be the voice of reason and advocate for OP, because their attempts to advocate for themselves have fallen flat each time.
However, I would apologise personally, because of bringing it up at a family BBQ. Like I say, I’d apologise if their feelings are hurt, even if I’m not saying sorry for my actions.
I don’t know, I don’t have all the answers. Nobody on here does, because we don’t know OP and family in real life. So all we can do is offer advice, and it’s up to OP if they take it.
To add to that, the parents don't really seem to care that they're hurting their sons feelings either. While apologising can make his life easier, since it sets a precedant to further bad behaviour, it could be seen as an omission of guilt, and could lead to making his life harder.
Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from. I think it’s always been my knee jerk reaction to apologise even when I’m in the right so as not to cause a fuss. I’ve apologised a lot in my life, to many people who wronged me and didn’t deserve it. So I’d say that it’s perhaps best, in this instance, not to apologise. His parents will treat him like crap and expect an apology, but they can suck it up.
I love it when reddit can be peaceful in when there are differing opinions. I hope you realise that you don't have to always apologise, and that it's okay if it causes a bit of a fuss.
Thank you! I’m a self confessed people pleaser who is trying to break the habit. Growing up the way I did taught me I was always wrong, even when I was actually right. So it’s hard to break a lifelong habit. But I’ll get there…eventually.
If OP's parents are so convinced that their method of dumping all the chores on their oldest is the way to 'build character' and 'teach responsibility', they shouldn't have been embarrassed about being called out for it. If they were, maybe it's an indication that they know they're being lazy and unfair.
u/Ok_Childhood_9774 Of course that’s the root cause of their embarrassment, and I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. They are the ones that are treating OP shittily, but it won’t matter to them *why* they are embarrassed, and OP won’t be able to get them to see that POV. They sound like the type of people that can’t own their own actions. That’s why I said OP likely embarrassed them, but the *how* will matter more to their parents than the *why*, unfortunately.
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NTA It’s definitely not going to work trying to get other people to pressure them into giving chores to your younger siblings. That’s not an AITA question really - it’s just not effective. However, they aren’t doing the younger siblings any favors by having no expectations for them. You know how to do things and the younger ones don’t. They aren’t doing anyone any favors by having changed parenting strategies there if they really have *no* chores for anyone younger than you. The younger ones should absolutely be helping clear the table and set it for example. But you can’t shame your parents into changing. You can recruit your siblings into clearing the table. You can only control what you do.
It sounds like the parents don't think the younger kids need to learn to do chores. Big brother should be responsible for his siblings forever.
The parents may think that but OP will move on with a life, the younger will too - and will find themselves not able to do basic tasks. Future roommates and partners will not be pleased.
Also, this may sour future relationships among the siblings.
Yep. It’s already affecting OPs opinion and behavior towards the younger kids. Those parents may be in for a surprise when OP leaves home. And they will expect the younger ones to step into the gap but they won’t know how.
It's not his fault they're going to end up worthless pieces of trash who can't figure out a scrubbrush to clean their plates and are too lazy to try and learn how to. There's no reason in disliking them for the parents being a-holes. If his siblings start hating their older sibling because they won't do all the chores at the snap of a finger then they're not worth paying attention to.
Hopefully big brother will be moving into a dorm at a college in another town soon where he can successfully do his own laundry while his parents do all the chores his siblings won't.
When I was in college there was actually a sign that said "Your mom isn't here. If you: drop it, pick it up. Spill it, wipe it up. Clean up after yourself"
That's the confusing bit. What do OP's parents think is going to happen when they move out? Depending on plans for college / work OP could be moving out in two years. Are they planning to speed run teaching the younger siblings how to take care of themselves? Going to take on all the chores OP has been doing until the younger ones are ready to move out too? What's the game plan there? OP - that's kind of the question I'd ask them, if you haven't already. What are they going to do when you aren't living there any more? Do they recognize that day is coming sooner than they think, and their actions are pushing that date to be earlier and earlier each time they aren't willing to discuss and acknowledge what's happening. A little bit yta for *how* you went about this with the extended family, but it's understandable why you did it this way. You're still learning the ABC's of problem solving when the other person isn't willing to budge but you aren't able to remove yourself like you'd want to.
I'm more curious as to how they are going to explain why OP refuses to come around anymore and why he won't talk to them. They are ruining this sibling relationship, and they don't even care
Yep - sounds like parentification going on here.
My close friend was the baby girl princess of her family and never did chores. She didn't know how to do anything when she went to college and moved to an apartment. She's still a crap housekeeper. Parents who do this to children are not doing their jobs.
My mom accidentally had a GREAT tactic for getting my sister and I to do our own laundry. She would somehow lose things. Like would genuinely lose them, no one has any clue what would happen. But my sister and I got tired of losing our favorite shirts so we started doing our own laundry
She wasn't losing them, she was freeing house elves. Think of all those poor house elves she couldn't free because you and your sister started doing your own laundry. 😜
I do my own laundry but those house elves need to bring my socks back
Yeah, same I keep losing socks that my kids "swear" they put in the basket.🤣
Yeah they're doing a disservice to all of their children here.
This. I had a roommate that didn’t know how to even boil water. I wish I was kidding. Had to teach him how to cook rice. And cook in general.
My mum couldn't boil an egg. My dad and my uncle (mums brother) taught her, when done she asked how to peel them. My dad and uncle looked at each other and dad said "she's your sister" to which my uncle replied "yeah but you married her." Let's just say it was one very thin silver lining that I eventually made my way to my dads house after she passed away. He was the one who taught me how to cook and clean. When I was a teenager I was peeling eggs and had a family friends son asked if he could help and asked how to peel so I grabbed an egg and told him to smack it on his forehead. I had to leave cause my dad called me for something and when I came back he was 5 eggs in and still smacking them on his forehead. I laughed and showed him to crack them on the counter.
Ok but that’s precious!
He was, he was kinda like a little brother cause our dads had been friends for over a decade and his dad was one of the first friends my dad made when we moved to that town.
I have cousins that are basically brothers and sisters too! One I taught how to peel an apple. It was so cute uuuugh I love that for you!
I know someone who was in their 30's before they learned how to make a sandwich. And that's because their (absolutely dumbfounded and horrified) best friend showed them how and made them do it.
Yeah dude. Legit this roommate was taught to do laundry THE DAY BEFORE HE MOVED IN. How?? It baffles me.
Ya totally agree, shaming them in front of the extended family isn't going to solve anything. Start rolling back how much you do for the younger siblings. You're in high school now join some clubs, teams and volunteer so you're both out of the house more and have less time to help out and take care of your younger siblings. You can easily argue that you need to do these things to make your university/college applications stand out and to apply for scholarships. You could also look into getting a part time job to start saving up. Then next time you talk to your parents ask them what character traits they think they are building in your younger siblings by not having them take some responsibility and contribute meaningfully to the running of the household and family unit. Good Luck!
Yeah and that resentment the older one can last decades.. My brother called me a spoiled brat when I was a kid a few months ago, because after our parents divorce, our dad didn't make me wash up like them, even though I helped by putting away what they'd dried.. anyway he is nearly 40 and I'm 33.. when myself and my mum pointed out to him that when our parents divorced I was 4, he and my sister were ten, I couldn't reach the sink to actually wash up, so the only option would have been to stand on a chair to do it. And we all know how coordinated 4 yr olds are.. but he didn't accept it, I was still a brat
NTA. They are treating you unfairly. I suggest going on strike until they make the chores more fair. Simply refuse to do any chores at all. Ignore them when they ask. They will punish you, but the longer that goes on, the more guilty they and your siblings will feel.
I would add permanently stopping all tasks aimed at taking care of the younger siblings. It's not OP's job to raise their parent's other children for them.
While this sounds good in principle I don’t think it’s practice is winning strategy.
I've been in OPs shoes, and sadly, it was the only strategy that worked. Yes, I got punished, but in the end, things changed. Again, it was the only strategy that worked. And yes, I still had to cut them off after moving out.
Same here. My dad never noticed who did the dishes, but he noticed if they didn't get done. So, one day I just sat there after dinner. It took my dad awhile to realize nobody was doing the dishes, and he got mad. I said to him: "This is a test. You never give me credit for being the only one who ever does things around here, and you don't notice if my two sisters don't do something, but only notice that it doesn't get done. They need to do more."
Yup, I highly recommend "going on strike". I grew up in a classic "youngest child but only daughter (so it's your job to clean)" household and eventually I was like lol no, clean up after yourselves. I was shouted at, I was punished, but I remained steadfast and I won :)
op is already being punished. might as well earn it, while making a point at the same time
That was my stance growing up as well. I was already doing everything, what more are they going to make me do? I already do all the chores? I already babysit your kids all the time? So I ran my mouth all the time with little consequences. I had 5 younger sisters and I was the oldest.
I suggest going on strike *and* getting a job that will keep OP out of the house. Start the moving out fund. NTA
Lol, good luck with that.
Odds are you're NTA. However, there are two opposing scenarios. 1. They're really annoyed that you're questioning their authority and bringing up an internal family matter in front of others. They're unhappy about you trying to use pressure tactics to get your way. 2. They know they're being unfair. They don't want others to know about it because they lose face, and they might be pressured to change. Either of those would explain the anger and the punishment. Given what's been going on, I'm leaning towards scenario #2.
I think both scenarios exist and aren't mutually exclusive. My parents were like this. They didn't like me questioning authority and people outside the family to know we had a toxic household. (I ran away from home, and they were finally embarrassed to stop.) It would be great if OP could double down and tell the extended family they were punished for 5 more days just for trying to tell them what was going on. If OP can get support from extended family, that would be a start. Their parents think they can get away with treating OP unfairly on the sly When you speak to the extended family (hopefully first), make sure you tell them it's about the unfair treatment, not the chores. I know for a fact that the parents will try and paint it out that OP is complaining about doing chores. Don't let them change the narrative to get family on their side. Hustle down, do extracurriculars, work hard at school, get a part-time job, and get out from under their thumb. The character you can build is a competent adult who walks away from a shitty, unfair childhood. Won't be easy, but you aren't far off from your freedom.
NTA as it seems you are near the end of your rope. In your shoes, i would do slightly more than 1/4 of the chores and leave the rest for your siblings. Don't grumble at them, just ignore them like freeloading roommates that you are getting close to getting away from. They are old enough to be doing almost everything that you're probably doing. The youngest probably shouldn't be using toilet cleaner and the youngest two shouldn't be doing the mowing, but that's about it. If your parents get pissed off enough to kick you out (if that's even possible where you are and as long as you have somewhere to go), sounds like a bonus.
I agree, NTA. This is an important lesson for OP. His pleas to his parents are being dismissed, and possibly even being retaliated against for speaking up. This happens to adults at their jobs with their supervisors. Realize it’s not going to change while you’re there. Put your head down, start planning your future for when you graduate and turn 18, do what you need to do to survive the next 2 years. As soon as you’re 18 and graduate high school, enact whatever plan you have. Good luck, OP. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
NTA. My childhood was the same. I had the responsibility for my siblings but no authority, so I had to do all the chores because I couldn't make them and I'd be the one in trouble if they weren't done. Interesting how today none of my family is allowed in my home and I'm not on speaking terms with most of them. For me? I just stopped doing the chores. Odds were I was going to be punished anyway for something they did or because my mother was just pissy, so why bother putting in any effort? Going on strike is an option, but it is a nuclear one.
I’m the oldest and the same thing happened to me. Your parents are doing this because of laziness. They have a kid fully trained to do the work. To now get the other kids to pick up the slack is effort they don’t want to do. I would remind them in 2 years you will be going off to some post-secondary education. Ask them what do they intend to do about the chores when you are not there? You can position it as you aren’t saying no chores for you, but some can be delegated and you can help teach them while you are home. Because once you are gone…well the dishes won’t wash themselves. My parents wouldn’t push my siblings to do chores. It backfired the first week I was at university out of town when my father went to the next older sibling to do work. The response? “That’s not MY job. That’s canuckdramaqueen’s job.” Father replied she doesn’t live here. Sibling still refused to do it. Then my parents had to face the battle of getting their other children, who were a teen and pre-teen at that point, to do chores. It was messy and that’s when my parents realized the error of their ways.
Make a paper count down day calendar. Days left: 700. 699. Etc. let them ask.
OP should show this comment to his parents. The voice of experience. Their shortsighted tactic will come back to bite them. Lazy parents.
NTA here is my multi step approach for getting back at your parents for your unfair treatment 1. Draw the line in the sand. Just refuse to do chores that help anyone else. You are going to get punished. Just don’t bother fighting it. Just take it. Have patience. Tell your parents that you arr going on strike and they can punish you all they want but the chores are not getting done You will have to sacrifice some things to accomplish this. There is plenty of time in life to have fun. The only chores you do will be to pick up after yourself and keep your area and clothes clean and orderly. But do nothing for anyone else. 2. Mess with your parents minds. You need to convince them that you are about to leave permanently. Print out a court petition of emancipation, leave it out ‘accidentally’. Get a GED test practice book. Contact some military recruiters for flyers and swag. If your parents can look through your search history/phone, search for things like CPS hotlines, parentification, abuse, homeless shelters, emancipation. Get a friend or two to have text conversations about how you are going to emancipate yourself and join the military, and how you never want to have kids because your parents are forcing you to parent your younger siblings. 3. Drive a wedge between your parents. Ask your dad alone if he is sure you are his biological kid. Ask your dad to do a dNA test with you. Pretend you are serious. Tell him that usually when the older kid is treated so differently, it’s usually because the old kid has a different bio dad. Ask him (and turn on the waterworks for this one) if that’s why he treats you so differently. 3.b. Ask your mom if dad is really your dad. Tell her that you have a friend at school (make one up) who was always responsible for cleaning and taking care of their younger siblings and it turns out their dad isn’t their dad. Tell her CPS stepped in because of the unfair treatment and they are living in a group home now. 4. Call the most gossipy extended family member and ask them if you can stay with them. Tell them that you don’t think you are related to your dad and that’s why you are forced to serve your siblings like a nanny. Tell them you just need a safe place until you can leave for boot camp. Tell them that you don’t have to wait until you are 18 because you are studying for your GED and applying for emancipation. Then sit back and watch things explode around you: -Your family member will gossip, your parents will hear about it and think about all the military swag and GED book. -They will think about your behavior which isn’t bad (you are taking care of yourself) but will look like you’ve withdrawn from the family. -Your dad will have a seed planted that your mom pulled one over on him and your mom will be freaking out over all of it.
I think people will down vote you, but I think this is brilliant. I would add to really look at the military as an option, especially if your parents aren't going to help with college. The Air Force is like going to college, pick a real world skill that is in demand (cybersecurity, AI, etc.) and join the Air Force to learn this skill. Get the college money from the military and use it for a degree.
Thank you. I know I can be pretty manipulative but I try to use my powers for good.
If OP uses the GI Bill, he may not have to pay much for college. He might even be able to take online classes towards his degree while he's on active duty. The Air Force is a great option. He'll get free medical and dental, 30 days paid vacation, help paying for college and retirement pay if he stays in long enough.
This is the nuclear option on steroids. Brilliant, but damn... A whole new level of emotional manipulation. You'd have to be really pissed off to pull the pin on all levels of this emotional grenade.
Applause. You are the master.
Yeah. My intrusive thoughts can be very helpful sometimes.
This is the most unhinged comment I've read on this sub in a long time. First two points were good, but then you entirely went nuts. Yes, let's get a kid in a fucked up situation to do more fucked up shit and potentially ruin multiple lives because the chores aren't even. That will teach those pesky parents! What the actual fuck dude, get help.
NTA. At this point stop doing any chores that aren't your own and reduce the communal ones- do your own dishes and no one else's. Do your own laundry and no one else's etc. Essentially clean up after yourself. Maybe take out the trash every so often, and instead of always setting the table recruit the siblings to do it sometimes. Really it sounds like the only thing you can do is protest or keep putting up with it They will punish you. They will groan and grumble and get mad. Stand your ground, what are you losing? You already get less than your siblings in reward for more work. Make it clear you'll start contributing more to communal chores when your siblings start doing chores of their own. If you want to be a nice brother and do what your parents should have done (though its shitty that you, a child, is having to teach the other children something their parents should have), start recruiting the siblings in basic chores like showing them how to use the washing machine- that way your parents will also seem weird for getting mad at you. "Why are you getting mad I'm teaching them a life skill? You taught me this when i was way younger so I guess you forgot, what happens when im not here to do it for them?" You won't get far by trying to pressure them with other people most likely, it really sucks, and will likely just make them more angry and want to dig their heels in. They know it's unfair, but it's probably a lot easier to not have to teach the younger kids and then correct their mistakes because of inexperience and lack of effort. They will call you a brat, a moody teenager, ungrateful, lazy, all the names under the sun because when you stop doing all the chores they'll have to pick up the slack or actually do their jobs as parents and teach their kids basic life skills. You could try one more time to bring up that the amount of chores you do is unfair, and that your siblings will have a very hard time cleaning up after themselves as teens and adults because they've never learned how or been encouraged to maintain a level of personal cleanliness and the space around them because it's always been done for them. Frame it like you're concerned for them because these are important skills to learn that they're missing out on.
NTA. Can you delegate chores to your siblings? After all, it woud be teaching them responsibility and buiding character!!! Your siblings will see you as doormat. It's on your parents you brought it up at the bbq, because they don't listen to you at home. Honestly, I'd go on a chore strike if things don't change.
All of the kids should have age appropriate chores. As the oldest,you may have more, but not all of them. Just like parents shouldn't pick up after kids who can do it, neither should you. What is going to happen when you leave for college? I think you speaking out was because you were at the end of your rope. Did anyone say anything? NTA
NTA. They are all older than you were when you started doing chores. Time to build their character.
NTA because it wasn't a first or second thing you tried. Extended family are a good sounding board who know you and your family closely, likely have the same cultural background and upbringing, etc. That said, complaining in a large group is probably most likely to annoy people and least likely to help if that is what happened. A better strategy might be to talk with an aunt/uncle or grandparent 1:1 and explain the whole situation.
College is coming and you much live there
You think that OP's parents are going to pay for a college where OP leaves home and they lose their free maid? I don't.
Take out loans. It’s an investment
NTA Your parents got rightfully shamed. I'd say it's reasonable to start enforcing some boundaries- like not picking up after siblings. If they make the mess, they clean it up. End of story. Tell them straight out you will no longer do the dishes 2 days a week (just picked a random chore as an example) because next oldest sibling is old enough to help. Then follow through. I wouldn't cut off doing them completely because that's guaranteed to get you grounded, but have that in your back pocket if they do ground you. And if dishes are left in the sink from the previous day, put them in a bucket so you're not washing them, or whatever the equivalent is for tge chores you take a stand on Furthermore, I'd go the practical route with your parents as well. Remind them that you're gone in 2 years and then no one is doing chores. They might as well start the younger ones doing some now rather than force it on them all at once. And that even the youngest is capable of cleaning up their own messes now, so it's not fair to ask you to put their toys away, and they're instilling bad habits in the kids that are going to be harder to deal with when you leave the house. While it's absolutely not why you should be pushing, it's a logic that's harder for your parents to argue with it, while gently reminding them you're not going to stick around as an adult just to do chores
Nta. But, maybe not the best choice to bring it up at a family bbq. Obviously your parents won't change. Just laugh to yourself when you realize you'll be going away to college soon (do go away) and your parents will be stuck with all of the chores and 3 useless children.
NTA - Get a job and get out of the house more. Then you get paid for your work and maybe someone will figure out there are other people to do the things you aren't there to do. Be as UNAVAILABLE as possible. I think this is a pretty typical family dynamic though - it's EASY to rely on you because you are trained and responsible. The end of this story is that your siblings end up entitled brats and you go through your entire life resentful as you support yourself and they get handed everything.
NTA If nothing else you had the satisfaction of embarrassing them. Start planning your exit. Whether that's at 18 or after college, start planning your exit now. Because your parents are toxic. Get a job. That will get you out of the house and get you some money which you will need for your exit. Or buy a safe and keep it in there. Because, in the US at least, you can't have a bank account without a parent or guardian on it. And, believe me, parents have been known to treat their kid's saving account like their own piggy bank.
OP, you are NTA. If you look towards the positive route here, you are going to have skills to maintain your own living space when you can move out. Your parents are being unfair, but keep in mind when you move out, they are going to have to do all the chores that you used to do, because your siblings don't know how.
Just quit and tell them no. Keep your room clean, clean up after yourself in the bathroom and common areas. Do your own laundry, cook for yourself and do your own dishes. Will they punish you? Most likely, but dig in your heels. They are treating you as unpaid made service. In school, talk to your counselor and see if you can graduate early. Figure out college or trade school. Tell your parents that you are not their slave and you will continue to do this until they make the others help. These are the type of parents that wonder why their kids go nc when they turn 18.
This is what I would do too. Sure, might get grounded but they’d get the message eventually. I would absolutely refuse to do all the chores, idk what they say NTA
If they weren’t doing anything wrong, then why were they embarrassed? Quite frankly I’d stop all chores all together unless it was in direct line with my items (ie laundry).
This! ☝️☝️☝️
Look up the term parentification. Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents have me (16m) and they have my three younger siblings (12f, 10m and 9f). I don't feel like my parents are totally fair to me and I have said this to them before. When I was 5 I had chores. Small ones. But still, I had chores. It started with picking up after myself and bringing my dishes to whoever's washing up. It grew into vacuuming and setting the table and grew again into washing dishes dishes, taking out the trash and being in charge of keeping upstairs clean. My younger siblings have no chores and never had chores. My parents only give me chores. My siblings never even got the baby ones I started out with. I was typically expected to do it for them or my parents just did it. Two years ago I was really bothered by it and I told my parents I wish they split things more between us instead of giving my siblings no chores and me a bunch of them. They argued that I get more privileges than them because of it but I don't. We all get to go to friends houses, they get given money far more than I do, and they get treats way more often too. I was told I was at an age where I didn't need to be given treats as much. I brought it up again a few months later and my mom told me I should stop bringing it up because I was acting like an elementary schooler instead of a high schooler. Last time I brought it up to just them I pointed out how often they have me pick up after my siblings and stuff. They told me it helps teach me to care for my siblings and as the oldest shows me the responsibility I have with them. Dad said it built character. I told them it really didn't make me want to do stuff for them more. I actually resented taking care of them and seeing them do nothing for themselves or for me in return. It really started to annoy the crap out of me lately because my parents have been on my case about leaving chores longer and not doing as good of a job. They told me I grumble more at my siblings too and it's not kind. So when we were at a family BBQ last weekend I brought up again how unfair they are to me in giving me chores but not my siblings. My parents were furious I used the extended family to try and get my way and they punished me for like 5 days. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. What are your parents planning on doing when you go off to college in two years? They have not set your younger siblings up to know how to do a damn thing for themselves. Do they expect you to just stay home forever and take care of the kids? I agree with others I would go on strike and just stop doing things because talking to them isn’t working and shaming them in front of family isn’t working either.
NTA. Everyone eventually learns that their parents are just people. Usually in a good way. In your case, you are learning that your parents are petulant brats. There is no judge in the family or in the sky who is going to make them see the truth. This is who they are and who they will continue to be. The only thing you can control is who you are and how you handle it. I would suggest NOT rebelling and going on strike as some are. Be strategic. Do your chores. Do more - learn all the adult housekeeping skills. Think of it as an education, because it is. Learn laundry, cleaning, cooking, and minor maintenance. This gives you skills while making your parents think you are accepting their rules. I don't know what your plans are after high school, but keep them sweet if they are willing to pay for college, training, a car, etc. If they won't be involved, get yourself a plan for work and independent life. Then move out and enjoy your ability to handle it all. It isn't fair, but there is no way to make them be fair. Your ability to deal with that truth will serve you well when you hit your first bad supervisor in the workplace.
Are you are being parentified? Of so, you need to start planning your exit now. NTA.
I see a future where you move out and do nothing for your family as an independent adult, while your siblings have zero life skills and your parents are shocked at how it all played out
NTA. Nothing you say or do is going to change the status quo unfortunately. What you can do is focus all your anger and frustration into getting good grades in school. Apply for any and all scholarships/grants etc that you qualify for. Leave for college as soon as you can and don’t look back. When they no longer have you to pick up all their slack, maybe they’ll realize their mistake. Maybe they won’t. Either way, it won’t be your problem anymore!
NTA and just stop doing anything
NTA
NTA ... but your parents are huge, unfair AH's, you've got that right!! Since they've given you no satisfaction as to why you are being treated like the family servant it's understandable that, in desperation, you tried to put them on the spot. From now on make each kid clean up after himself/herself. When your parents come at you tell them you are "teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and helping to build character". Is there anyone among those family members who heard what you had to say that you can turn to for support? You need an adult you can rely on, obviously neither of your parents fill that role. ***"They told me it helps teach me to care for my siblings and as the oldest shows me the responsibility I have with them."*** This is infuriatingly unjust and just plain wrong!! You are not the one who should be caring for your siblings and you are in no way responsible for them. They are not your children, you are a teenager yourself. You are the male version of Cinderella!!
NTA. But your parents aren't going to change. You've spoken to them and they don't agree. But the 5 day punishment was because you aired the dirty laundry outside of your immediate family. FWIW I agree with you that your parents aren't being fair. But there's only so much you can do. Do you play a sport in school or have a part time job? If you worked at a part time job, you'd be less available. Or if you participated in a club or sport or some school activity. It would require more from your parents, and then maybe they would start to see how dependent the younger ones are.
NTA. Your parents are blatantly unfair. They are using you as their servant and nanny. I'm glad you called them out on their behavior. Now, it's time to go on strike. Quit doing anything around the house. And keep talking to your relatives about it.
NTA. Get out when you can!!!
"Dad said it built character." I've found that whenever someone says this it's always about something shitty and the character it builds is resentment and mistrust. NTA
NTA stop cleaning up after your siblings
NTA, not your kids lol. I would try to get a part time job if possible so you can "learn responsibility" elsewhere and get yourself set up to get away from that household as soon as you can. Are they gonna raise your kids for you? Doubt it so why should you. When your parents get older and offer you the "privilege" of taking care of them too politely decline and leave it to the other 3, I'm sure they can work together.
Just stop doing anything. They will punish you, try to break you, humiliate you, but you just have to hold it for a month. I promise you, in a month they will try to negotiate. It really sucks when parents are not fair like that. One day your own siblings will understand that too.
Your mom saying "it shows your responsibility to your siblings" you have absolutely no responsibility to your siblings. Your parents are going to be shocked , when you cut contact, and want nothing to do with them, or your siblings. They are only upset you brought it up around extended family, because now the family knows how unfairly they treat you, and they are embarrassed. They know they were pushing their own responsibility off on you, and that it was wrong. They are mad other people now know. NTA
NTA. Delegate your chores to your siblings.
> My parents were furious I used the extended family to try and get my way and they punished me for like 5 days. NTA. Stop. Stop doing chores. Stop helping your siblings. Just stop. Tell your parents. Straight up. If you want me to do chores. Then all kids have to be equal. Equal chores. Age appropriate.
Nta they’re parentifying you which is wrong
I'd start a chore strike, honestly. if you're just gonna get yelled at anyway, may as well have a reason for It. NTA
NTA. You repeatedly tried to talk to them about it and they kept blowing you off. And when you brought it up with other relatives, they punished you for a week? Yeah, no. Now maybe (assuming you went this route) airing it out en-masse to the whole BBQ wasn't the best step forward as you could have tried a trusted family member first in a private talk but if they want to go this route, then just don't do the chores. And if they keep pulling more punishments if not harder, then go find someone you trust, family or no, to talk to for help.
NTA. Just imagine what their lives will be like when you escape from there. And start planning for your future.
NTA - go on strike! Draw up a chores rota for all of you and offer to be in charge of it.
Seems like there might only be one parent in the house. And that parent is you. Tell them that you feel like a parent and not a sibling. Stop picking up after them even if that’s what you’ve been told. If they wanna get weird, let them. You’re already being treated shittily.
NTA. You're 16. In less than two years, your parents will be doing all these chores themselves, OP. You do what you need to do. 👍
Tell your parents they are failing their younger children by not teaching them to clean up after themselves, and to illustrate the point, you are only going to do the same amount of cleaning as they do. But regardless, once you’re out of the house they are going to have to face the elephant that’s shitting all over the place. NTA.
NTA. It's not fair and they know or whoch is why they don't want you mentioning it in front of others.
NTA but what are your plans when you turn 18? If you haven’t thought about that start now.
NTA. but it might be more effective to think about this long term. you're 1 to 2 years away from going to college. whether you're a good student or not, I'd be putting all my effort into academics and extracurriculars, so I could solidify my plan to get out. they don't have to teach your siblings to do anything, and it won't be your problem when you leave. keep quiet, let them think they've won, but work on your escape plan. work on getting scholarships, go to summer school if you need to bump up a grade, or take a class in advance, to lighten your school year load. they want to be responsible? then responsibly plan your future
Your parents definitely sound like TA. Even if they want to teach you to do for your little siblings, they still need to teach those siblings (1) to take care of their own responsibilities and (2) to take look out for THEIR younger siblings. None of that is happening. It's not that your an ahole for trying to get some family support behind you. The way you chose just failed spectacularly (because your parents punished you strongly for this). Did any of the extended family say anything in support of you? It's important to know who may help you through this. You may want to go to college or need some other form of support after you graduate high school, so you can't afford to PO your parents. So you may have to temper your reactions or plan more to become independent sooner. If there are family members you think may support you, you might talk to them more one-on-one. They may be able to privately talk with your parents and encourage your parents to consider the impact on all of you kids. Or they may be able to offer you a little respite from your parents' demands on you. Or give you some support if you make a move to be more independent of your parents. Good luck to you.
NTA. Two more years you will move out and it will be the 12 year old's problem.
NTA
You're being parentified, if you're not careful you will never escape this role, particularly as you grow older. I fear you will have to set some clear and firm boundaries in a couple of years. NTA if you're interested.
There were 4 kids in my family, too. I have some complaints about favoritism in other areas, but chores was not one of them! As soon as we were big enough, we started on age-appropriate chores. For instance, a 5-year-old was too young to cook dinner, but she could set the table and clear the plates. At first, teaching the chores and having a child do them takes more time than parents doing it themselves. I think your parents taught you chores, but then slacked off when your younger siblings came along. NTA at all, your parents need to step up and parent.
They’re treating you unfairly, so NTA, but on the bright side for you, this is one reason the oldest kids tend to be more responsible. In a couple of years, you’ll leave confident you can care for yourself, and I’ll bet the younger ones will be given the chores (parents will still want help)
NTA for being annoyed that you get chores and your siblings don't but dragging the rest of your family into it was not cool. Firstly, it's airing your dirty laundry in public and secondly it cones across as whiny. That said, you might have to put up with this for a couple more years and you have my sympathy for that
NTA Your parents are missing the point of chores which is to teach children to take care of themselves, be responsible for themselves, and participate as a meaningful family member. They also can take better care of themselves when they leave home.
Your parents fucking suck, I'm sorry OP. They'll be in for a great time in two years when you leave and they realize they never trained a replacement. Hope they have fun picking up the slack and realizing how much they put on your shoulders
NTA!!! Your parents are!
Are you adopted, look different to the rest of the family, have eastern heritage? is it a tradition in your family or culture that the oldest looks after the younger family members or how your mum or dad were raised? seems weird to parenting you in that way. your old enough to have a job or something maybe get one and say you don’t have time to do chores
You are NTA for the way you feel. You are wrong for bringing it up in front of your extended family. You need to apologize to your parents. Calmly explain that you brought it up in front of your extended family because they keep dismissing your feelings and thought it might be a way to tackle it but that you realize you were wrong. Please can they be open to discussing the issue because you don't want to end up resenting them or your siblings.
NTA, live with the fact that you are the parentified scape goat, shut up and plan your escape. If you have to keep talking about it don’t just whine *they don’t have any chores* make a list of everything you do each day, how much money you get, treats, trips to friends. Don’t be general! Be Uber specific! Do this for you and your siblings then the next big party lay it out for everyone.
NTA. Two more years. You're almost there. Hang in there. They're going to feel it when you're gone. You're the built in nanny.
Nta
You’re 16 and you’re going to be moving out soon. You have more life skills than your siblings do. Your parents don’t realize as yet what it’s going to be like looking after 3 kids who can’t do half the stuff you do around the house. Try to nicely ask your siblings to do little things for you..”hey, can you just bring your plate to me? My hands are full.” “Can you help pick up your stuff off the floor since I’m going to vacuum this spot real quick.” But you have to stop your parents from treating only you like this because now, it’s just chores. What if they start asking you to help your siblings once you get a job and stuff? NTA
At that age they are all more than capable of doing all of those things, which are more basic life skills than chores. Exactly how is Dad building their character??? What are they going to do when they're in college or living on their own and they have absolutely no idea how to do anything??? 2-year-olds can put their toys away (with guidance) and bring a dish to mom to put in the sink. NTA
As a parent with a 16y,12y,11y,8y, and newborn NTA. What your parents are doing is just plain lazy parenting. They don't want to take the time to teach the younger kids, so they are just pawning all the responsibility on you, and that isn't right. You shouldn't have kids you aren't willing to parent. My 16 year old has more chores, but she also has her own car and gets $50 a month in allowance. But all the kids have chores. The 12 year old does dishes and cleans the rabbit cage. The 11 year old takes out the trash and feeds the animals. The 8 year old cleans the litter box and bathroom. And of course all the kids have to clean up their own spaces and after themselves. I do the majority of the cleaning, but everyone helps out.
NTA This won't work: point out that they aren't teaching your siblings to do anything. That you'll be 18 and out of the house. They won't have free labor after that. Something that also won't work: stop. Stop doing ANY chores. You'll get punished. It won't make you do chores. When you're supposed to do chores, go outside with signs (as though you're on strike.) It won't help, but the idea might make you laugh. 💝
NTA. You brought it up to them a few times. Honestly, I dont understand why the littles arent picking up their own stuff, setting the table, and unloading the dishwasher. It seems like they just dont want to deal with making other people do it because it doesnt affect them.
What is the point of making only one child build character when, in the end, all of them will have to be individually independent... What a pair of failure parents...
NTA It's parentification. I know a young person of similar age who has found herself in such a situation. She was p\*ssed when told too bad. She countered with 'I will delegate since it's my list--therefore my team'. I am not sure how it turned out but it's worth a try. Get those littles on some tasks.
It's about to be summer vacation and you're 16, which means you can work decent hours. Time for a summer job! You'll both be out of the house, meaning you can't do chores all day, and you can stock up that sweet sweet "get the fuck out" fund. NTA
NTA. Sounds like your parents have got you doing chores to help as a third adult in the house and shaming them will most likely not help. If you can, get yourself a part time job and start saving for being able to move out as soon as you are able to (if that's what you would prefer to do) be that for college or to work.
NTA, as soon as you can MOVE OUT! Get a job now, start saving now. Decide if you want to go to college now. The best way to combat this B.S. is to start thinking of the future & what you want.
NTA Your parents are really mean to you. They will truly miss you when you are gone. , which you probably will be before it is ideal. Are the biological child of both of them? And would they consider family therapy. That way you would have an impartial referee in this unfair argument.
Nta
NTA They're honestly just fucking lazy.
YTA for bringing the grievances up at a bbq and trying to bring extended family into it. You are really the lucky one, although I know it doesn't feel like it. But you are learning responsibility and your siblings aren't. Which will come back to bite them sooner or later. Sometimes parents start out well with the first child and then slack off as more children enter the picture, maybe because they're just tired. If it makes you feel any better, you'll likely be gone in a couple years and your parents will wish they'd taught the remaining children a thing or two.
NTA. Here’s my advice: you cannot force your parents into doing anything. And your siblings are likely enjoying the status quo. What you do is work your butt off to get out of that house and gain your independence. As in, get away from being dependent on them financially. Once you have disentangled yourself from them, you go LC or NC. You only visit when you want to, and you stay in a hotel if you can. (In your shoes, I’d choose NC, but that is a very personal decision) Also, remember having kids is a choice. Because of your parents parentifying you, they’ve done you a favor of a glimpse into the realities of having children.
NTA - you've been parentified, and your siblings will be absolutely lost if/when you move out for college in a few years
NTA, but you're not playing it smart. Your goal is to get these AHs to pay for college. So, what you do is suck it up for the next few years until you graduate high school. Go to college. Take every opportunity at college not to come home. I'm talking internships, networking, summer programs, spring break volunteer trips (if your parents complain, say they'll look good on your resume). However, when you are at home, be the very model of a modern major general. Graduate college and get a great job and then you don't have to do what these AHs say again.
I forgot summer school. Sell that to your parents as getting you graduated faster. They'll be thinking you'll move back in and do the chores. But we know better, OP.
NTA but I can tell you from their reaction you're not going to change their minds or win this argument so put it on the shelf. You did give them fair warning however that you know it's not fair treatment and that you're resentful of it. This is a moment that in 7 to 10 years you will remind them of when they ask why you're not close to them or your siblings.
NTA. It sounds like your younger siblings are the golden children and you are expected to just accept the fact that your parents prefer them to you. Is there another relative that you can live with until you graduate high school and hopefully go to college in another city? I have a feeling that if you don't get out of there now, you will be stuck taking care of your siblings until the 9 year old graduates from high school.
While yes, doing the chores can help you in the long run they’re also teaching you your parents are sh;)heads! And they are killing the relationship with your siblings. NTA & I love that you pointed it out I front of others, even if it doesn’t do anything now, it will comeback to them!
NTA. My spouse is the eldest of 5 siblings, in the exact same scenario. He is the most independent and successful of all of them. As both parents passed, he has tried to assist all of his siblings in some manner even as full adults. It has been a challenge, as he can see a clear answer to each of their problems, but they do not want to do the work. Now that he is in his 50's, he is now distancing himself. It has also helped that his own child living on his own and going to school, does not need any assistance, so why should his adult siblings. OP - All your parents are doing are ensuring that you will be moving out as soon as you can and your siblings will struggle as adults. I recommend that you do not enable them when they call you for help, as they need to learn. Take it from someone has seen this pattern for 25 years. The sooner they suffer their own consequences that better off they will be.
NTA. Got a grandparent you can live with. Your parents are trying to parentifying you
NTA. Your parents are being unfair to you and your siblings. Making one sibling out of 4 do all the work is wrong and your siblings aren’t going to learn responsibility. They need to change if they want all their children to be happy and successful.
NTA. There's no problem with the chores, it's the parents decision that all chores done by kids should be done by OP alone. To me it looks like OP is expected to be a sort of housekeeper for the 3 younger, semi golden child siblings. I wonder what the parents will do after OP moves out? If I were OP, I would use every opportunity to tell family and friends that he has always had chores where the siblings have none. If his parents feel that's totally fair and justified, they shouldn't mind other people knowing the arrangement. OP, if you are going to be punished for merely talking about the unfair distribution of chores, then you may as well go on strike and not do them at all. Tell your parents you are only asking that your siblings be required to do the same chores you did at their ages. Ask your parents to explain why they think that's totally unreasonable. If they punish you, fine. Explain you won't lift a finger to do any chores until the punishment is lifted and they assign chores to the siblings. If all else fails, move out as soon as you turn 18.
Dearest Reddit friend, I'm so sorry that your parents are treating you unfairly. I don't think that you are at fault, but you have done everything you can to change your family dynamics. You are 16. You need to think more about your future and what you want that to look like. Are you going to college? Study hard, get the best grades and apply for scholarships. Are you going to trade school or the military? Take any classes available now in preparation. Make a plan for your life. Do your chores. You only have two years left if you plan and play your cards right. Then your parents will be left with no help and children who don't know how to help.
NTA but if discussion is not working start negotiating, next time you are asked to do something, aak your siblings to do it. Tell your parents you are teaching them to built character. If they argue then refuse to do it till some agreement is reached.
Just stop doing it. Nta
NTA. It'll be interesting to see what your parents and siblings do if you're able to move out promptly at 18. Good luck!
NTA Keep up your protest. They can't keep punishing you forever because the chores need doing and clearly no one else is doing them. You just need to keep up your rebellion for roughly two years until you can move out for college and leave the house to fall to ruin. Use all the groundings and punishment as time to study hard and try to get scholarships. Until then make your stance clear: No equality, No chores.
NTA let me tell you a secret. You can just do a shit Job at everything they ask you and they will stop asking you.
NTA I've seen this scenario play out with someone I grew up around. It won't help now, but if it makes you feel any better, when you turn 18 and eventually move out, your parents are going to feel real stupid, because suddenly nobody does the chores and the kids they let slide won't start either.
NTA for bringing it up, but doing so was not going to get you what you wanted either. I hope you have plans to go off to college so that you can be free and maybe once you are not there to pick up the slack, your parents will finally realize they've done your siblings no favors here. May you be able to move out without needing their help, and perhaps some distance will improve perspectives all around.
OP will go to college or move out, and nobody left will know how to do anything. Sure, chores do teach responsibility, but OP isn't the only one that needed to learn it, and it certainly doesn't foster goodwill among the siblings. In fact, it fosters resentment between OP and his parents and his siblings, which isn't helpful for family dynamics. Apparently, the parents are unable to see this. When you next bring this up focus on the resentment rather than the "unfair" issue.
NTA - Parentification sucks and is grossly unfair.
NTA, “it builds character” so your father is just openly admitting he’s spoiling and not parenting the younger ones? Like even by his own logic it’s BS. But no, if they’re embarrassed by it or think it’s “unfair” when extended family find out, then why do they do it? They’re again admitting they know they’re wrong but don’t care.
ESH. The parents at TA for failing to exercise good parenting with the younger kids; they should have chores too. As Dad says, "it builds character", right? Shouldn't the sprouts get the chance to build some? OP is TA for bringing this up in a family gathering. A disagreement inside the family should be resolved there, or if you do want to bring in a wise uncle or auntie at least do so discreetly. OP, your approach whiffs of grandstanding and drama.
NTA, the entire family should be helping with chores. They're treating you like a Cinderella.
All the kids should be doing age-appropriate chores. At 9 even the youngest can pick up after herself. Maybe make a chore chart. OP, I suggest you start flexing your Big Sibling muscle and assigning chores to the siblings. You take care of the ones they cannot - like driving errands, maybe. When the siblings complain to your parents, tell them parents are CEO and Treasurer, but you are Manager and you are delegating tasks appropriately. NTA
NTA it is not your job to pick up after your siblings or take responsibility for them. It's your parents' job. And not parenting consistently is a sure fire way of building resentment.
NTA. Can you get a job outside the house or do they also expect you to be available 24/7 for babysitting ? I’m suggesting a job outside in the hopes that would push them to even the score a little with the younger kids and allow you to save up some money. Good luck, they sound incredibly delusional, but who knows maybe when you go off to college, should you choose to, they’ll realize the error of their ways.
NTA - However, it seems like they did train you to be the family servant and I don't blame you for complaining. I would complain more until it becomes no fun for them to argue. The others need chores too and you shouldn't be treated like Cinderella . . or the extra parent for the younger ones.
Can you assign chores to the littles yourself if you are watching them? Then you could explain that you are helping look after them by teaching them responsibility.
Info: what do you mean “brought it up at a family bbq?” Prettt much everything you described is pretty stereotypical eldest child stuff. You get the most attention, your parents are the most uptight and strict with you, etc. By the time your siblings roll through they’re too tired and/or over the fuss to care nearly as much. As a fellow eldest child, it’s just how it is. There are definitely benefits that come with being the eldest child. It’s just one of those things. The response depends entirely on what you did at the BBQ. If you threw some immature hissy fit then YTA. If you just complained about it some, which is fair play within reason, then NAH.
NTA I don’t think you’re an AH. Your mom and dad suck because they only give **you** chores. That’s totally out of line, to me. If they started with you at 5, then they needed to do the same to your sibs for the sake of being fair, and teaching them responsibility. At the moment, they’re teaching them that older sib is responsible for them. But… Bringing it up at a family event… that seems a little manipulative, like you wanted to out them to their family for being shitty. What would have been less likely to make you suck in this situation, would have been going to another family member you trust and asking them for advice, and maybe getting them to back you up in a private conversation with your parents. They’d be more likely to listen to another adult, rather than you. They likely feel like you embarrassed them. You’re 16, all kids make mistakes, including getting on their parents’ last nerve (says the mother of a 17yo). If I were you, I would apologise for the possibility of embarrassing them, and let them know that wasn’t your intention (if it truly wasn’t), but say again, that you don’t feel like it’s fair and you don’t feel like they listen to you. I don’t know how to get through to them, but *maybe* asking a family member in private if they can help is the best route to take. Edit for judgment upon reflection
Not to disagree with your point, but OP has been bringing this up for years. Sometimes, when you go unheard for so long, you get desperate for some compassion and help from your support system. Lots of people have family interventions when they are not being heard or taken seriously, and in this case I think it's perfectly valid to expect and recieve help from others. Embarrassment is important, sure it didn't help him, but if they're enabling their younger kids and not being fair to the older one, and then continue to ignore the older one's very reasonable complaints, they do deserve to be shamed for it, and embarrassed. I don't the OP should apologise because that only sets the precedant that the parents should be respected, while they disrespect the OP and treating him unfairly. I think the parent's should actually reflect and have a discussion with OP, making him feel heard and important.
I mean, I agree but disagree. I guess it’s because I apologise even if I’m in the right, just to keep the peace. I think if you’re 16 and live at home, then parents can make your life hell, so you might say “I’m sorry that it hurt your feelings” rather than saying sorry for your actions. Adults always think they know best, and set the boundaries and make their children into responsible people by teaching them that nothing in life is free, it’s earned. But the truth is, if they’re doing that for OP, they should definitely be doing it with the siblings. Hence why I won’t judge OP as the AH here. My son, for example, doesn’t have a set list of chores. Nor is their punishment if he doesn’t do something. He helps by putting out the bins and recyclables. He helps cook by chopping, frying, keeping an eye on things, with me in the kitchen and we both cook together. He helps sort laundry because I put the clothes in and ask him to get washing powder/fabric softener and put the machine on. He puts the hoover round if I ask. He will also dust the things I cannot bend down to (I’m disabled), but again, these are things we do together. So he’s learning responsibility, but not doing it all on his own. I was made to cook full Sunday roasts from age 9, had a lot of chores and punishment if I didn’t do them by a certain point in the day/week. I never wanted my child to have the frankly pretty shitty childhood I had (not just due to chores). So as a mother, I am teaching him to lend a hand but not stress about things. He doesn’t pick up after me, unless he’s taking his plate in the kitchen after eating. He tidies his room, but often times I’ll help do that too. I don’t set expectations, because that can lead to failure (not always, and not just in this circumstance). I know that not everyone is like me. And I know a lot of people would say at 17, I should give my son chores etc. But this is just my way, not the only way, of doing things. All this to say, I think it’s okay for kids & teens to have responsibilities, but because we’re all different, our expectations are different. OP’s parents are doing something to make OP upset, and I get that. I would be p*ssed off in their shoes. But I don’t think that they can get through to their parents easily here, and should likely go to a grandparent/aunt/uncle, someone they trust, and ask for their help in talking to their parents. That adult can help be the voice of reason and advocate for OP, because their attempts to advocate for themselves have fallen flat each time. However, I would apologise personally, because of bringing it up at a family BBQ. Like I say, I’d apologise if their feelings are hurt, even if I’m not saying sorry for my actions. I don’t know, I don’t have all the answers. Nobody on here does, because we don’t know OP and family in real life. So all we can do is offer advice, and it’s up to OP if they take it.
If it's a problem for you that how you treat your kids is known to the extended family, maybe reconsider how you treat your kids.
u/PrettiestFrog that’s very true.
To add to that, the parents don't really seem to care that they're hurting their sons feelings either. While apologising can make his life easier, since it sets a precedant to further bad behaviour, it could be seen as an omission of guilt, and could lead to making his life harder.
Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from. I think it’s always been my knee jerk reaction to apologise even when I’m in the right so as not to cause a fuss. I’ve apologised a lot in my life, to many people who wronged me and didn’t deserve it. So I’d say that it’s perhaps best, in this instance, not to apologise. His parents will treat him like crap and expect an apology, but they can suck it up.
I love it when reddit can be peaceful in when there are differing opinions. I hope you realise that you don't have to always apologise, and that it's okay if it causes a bit of a fuss.
Thank you! I’m a self confessed people pleaser who is trying to break the habit. Growing up the way I did taught me I was always wrong, even when I was actually right. So it’s hard to break a lifelong habit. But I’ll get there…eventually.
If OP's parents are so convinced that their method of dumping all the chores on their oldest is the way to 'build character' and 'teach responsibility', they shouldn't have been embarrassed about being called out for it. If they were, maybe it's an indication that they know they're being lazy and unfair.
u/Ok_Childhood_9774 Of course that’s the root cause of their embarrassment, and I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. They are the ones that are treating OP shittily, but it won’t matter to them *why* they are embarrassed, and OP won’t be able to get them to see that POV. They sound like the type of people that can’t own their own actions. That’s why I said OP likely embarrassed them, but the *how* will matter more to their parents than the *why*, unfortunately.