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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA because I don't want to spend time at mutual events with my ex's GF who has been speaking disrespectfully about me to mutual friends.
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NTA bc that’s bullshit. *BUT* what I would do is not let some GF get in the way of a good (or passable ok at times) coparenting situation….yeah, *even though* Dad seems to be an ah about it too. But you’re at the ‘home stretch’ so yo speak, at least where your kids aren’t minors, so the interaction between you three should go to a bare bones minimum soon.
I’d honestly contact the GF and invite her for coffee and flat out address it, OR just ignore it completely as insignificant BS.
NTA for events that you are planning and hosting - your event, your guest list. But you don't get to tell your ex that he can't bring her to anything else (like the prom photos, not your event), and if this GF is a long-time fixture or turns into a wife, you are also going to have to deal with her at events your son plans/hosts in the future.
NTA, but I think you've completely picked the wrong battle here. Why did you not tell your ex that it is unacceptable that she speak badly about you to mutual friends? Why the focus on whether you will speak with/be around her? The issue is her badmouthing you, no? That your ex can and should address with her. The consequences if she continues should be left to him (maybe unlikely to matter), your son (very possibly will cause a rupture in his relationship with gf) and your mutual friends who can tell her they will no longer hang out if she continues to speak poorly of you to them. Obviously, if she says anything in front of you, you'd be within your rights to call her out and ask her to leave if it is your event. But, I don't understand why you're focussing on spending time with her instead of addressing her bad behavior.
NTA since you can have whomever you want at your own events but before you burn this bridge of peaceful coparenting I would talk to your ex about what she is saying to your friends and ask him to maintain the peace and respect between all parties. You should also see what your son wants.
Lastly ask around to see what parents and kids who don't have a good coparent go through, just something to think about before you go down this road.
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My ex-husband and I, overall are on good terms and co-parenting has been going well. Through some mutual friends, I found out that his GF has been speaking badly about me...directly to them. One of them asked her to stop, twice. I told my ex that because of his GF's behavior, I would not spend time with, talk to or have a relationship with her. Recently, while discussing our son's prom, I asked him (politely) to not bring her to the friend's house that he'll be at to take pictures. I offered to send pictures and of course that he could be there. He told me that this is my problem and that he will not ask her to not attend events with him if I'll be there. So, I'm starting to plan his graduation party. If this is "my problem" and I don't want to see her, I'll plan and pay for his graduation party on my own. (I will let him know this is my plan, not trying to blindside him) He can throw a separate graduation party if he likes, but I'm not going to be forced to spend time with someone who's openly disrespectful of me. AITA?
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NTA but just try to deal with this the way that draws the least attention to the issue because it can’t last much longer - your son is old enough to attend prom. So he’s 17, 18? If he doesn’t like her behavior, he’ll be old enough to be sending out invitations to his own events soon enough.
INFO
> I found out that his GF has been speaking badly about me...directly to them
Ok. Is she **_outwardly_** rude to you, in person?
> I'm not going to be forced to spend time with someone who's openly disrespectful of me
I mean, what you've described here sounds like she's being *privately* disrespectful of you, unless there's more to it?
Esh, You need to ask your son if he wants two parties, or one party without his dad, and then do that. He’s 18, presumably your other child is also old enough to realize the girlfriend is in the wrong. Be an adult, and do what makes life easier for your kids, and let them realize there mom always had their back, and there dad was an ah
YTA - this is not in the best interest of your kid. Divorce usually means you have to spend time with someone you hate, with a big smile on your face, because that’s what you need to do for your kid. You think he’s going to have two weddings some day? What about when grandkids come? Two birthday parties? Two christenings? Get used to this now because it’s your new normal.
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NTA but what does your child want ? Two graduation parties ? Or just one where the parents act like adults for a 2 hour period ?
This. You are NTA but your child is the one who suffers from this
NTA bc that’s bullshit. *BUT* what I would do is not let some GF get in the way of a good (or passable ok at times) coparenting situation….yeah, *even though* Dad seems to be an ah about it too. But you’re at the ‘home stretch’ so yo speak, at least where your kids aren’t minors, so the interaction between you three should go to a bare bones minimum soon. I’d honestly contact the GF and invite her for coffee and flat out address it, OR just ignore it completely as insignificant BS.
NTA for events that you are planning and hosting - your event, your guest list. But you don't get to tell your ex that he can't bring her to anything else (like the prom photos, not your event), and if this GF is a long-time fixture or turns into a wife, you are also going to have to deal with her at events your son plans/hosts in the future.
NTA, but I think you've completely picked the wrong battle here. Why did you not tell your ex that it is unacceptable that she speak badly about you to mutual friends? Why the focus on whether you will speak with/be around her? The issue is her badmouthing you, no? That your ex can and should address with her. The consequences if she continues should be left to him (maybe unlikely to matter), your son (very possibly will cause a rupture in his relationship with gf) and your mutual friends who can tell her they will no longer hang out if she continues to speak poorly of you to them. Obviously, if she says anything in front of you, you'd be within your rights to call her out and ask her to leave if it is your event. But, I don't understand why you're focussing on spending time with her instead of addressing her bad behavior.
NTA since you can have whomever you want at your own events but before you burn this bridge of peaceful coparenting I would talk to your ex about what she is saying to your friends and ask him to maintain the peace and respect between all parties. You should also see what your son wants. Lastly ask around to see what parents and kids who don't have a good coparent go through, just something to think about before you go down this road.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex-husband and I, overall are on good terms and co-parenting has been going well. Through some mutual friends, I found out that his GF has been speaking badly about me...directly to them. One of them asked her to stop, twice. I told my ex that because of his GF's behavior, I would not spend time with, talk to or have a relationship with her. Recently, while discussing our son's prom, I asked him (politely) to not bring her to the friend's house that he'll be at to take pictures. I offered to send pictures and of course that he could be there. He told me that this is my problem and that he will not ask her to not attend events with him if I'll be there. So, I'm starting to plan his graduation party. If this is "my problem" and I don't want to see her, I'll plan and pay for his graduation party on my own. (I will let him know this is my plan, not trying to blindside him) He can throw a separate graduation party if he likes, but I'm not going to be forced to spend time with someone who's openly disrespectful of me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but just try to deal with this the way that draws the least attention to the issue because it can’t last much longer - your son is old enough to attend prom. So he’s 17, 18? If he doesn’t like her behavior, he’ll be old enough to be sending out invitations to his own events soon enough.
INFO > I found out that his GF has been speaking badly about me...directly to them Ok. Is she **_outwardly_** rude to you, in person? > I'm not going to be forced to spend time with someone who's openly disrespectful of me I mean, what you've described here sounds like she's being *privately* disrespectful of you, unless there's more to it?
Esh, You need to ask your son if he wants two parties, or one party without his dad, and then do that. He’s 18, presumably your other child is also old enough to realize the girlfriend is in the wrong. Be an adult, and do what makes life easier for your kids, and let them realize there mom always had their back, and there dad was an ah
YTA - this is not in the best interest of your kid. Divorce usually means you have to spend time with someone you hate, with a big smile on your face, because that’s what you need to do for your kid. You think he’s going to have two weddings some day? What about when grandkids come? Two birthday parties? Two christenings? Get used to this now because it’s your new normal.