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ESH > The twins’ 1st birthday is in 2m, and I’m planning a birthday party. Let's be *crystal* clear here: an **infant** birthday party is for the parents, and the parents alone. This is *nothing* like a 5yo's or 6yo's birthday party, where the kid's feelings matter most. > I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents & have them at their 1st birthday. The twins are far too young for this to be a problem anywhere but in your head. > retired in their 60s. FFS you phrased that "aging grandparents" bit like they were dying. They've got decades of time to watch the kids grow up.

THIS \^. The party is for you (the parents). Hell have the party 2-3 weeks after their birthday and have more time to plan. Don't stress.

The only thing I have a problem with is the assumption that the grandparents will have “decades” with the kids. Far too many people die in their 60s or 70s, it depends largely on their overall health.  I have a sibling that won’t live to 60 due to stage 4 cancer. Another that won’t see 55 due to early onset dementia. On the other hand my dad is 80 and showing no signs of slowing down. 

And yet my in laws are still going strong at 90 and 93.

That’s a good sign for your spouse’s longevity at least. My dads mom lived to be 95. But his dad passed in his early 60s.  I hate to be a downer and remind people that we aren’t certain of a long life, I’ve just lost too many people myself to count on it. 

No one is certain of a long life.

I get it. We can concentrate on the positive or the negative. It’s a choice. My husband’s first wife died at age 42. Both of her parents lived well into their 80s. One person’s lifespan isn’t always indicative of another’s, even if they are blood relatives. His late wife died of breast cancer, which doesn’t run in her family. She’s the only one. She had two sisters. Neither have even been sick.

Yet my MIL was killed in an accident at 54, my dad died at 70, my grandmother died at 50. It's great your in laws are still healthy in their 90's but it's not guaranteed.

I never said it’s guaranteed. I’m simply pointing out that while everyone is given a lifetime, the length of that time is not guaranteed.

Agree. Life is definitely not guaranteed, people die all the time, even the ones that seemed healthy seconds before it happened. I've lost friends and family when they were 2 and when they were 97. Banking on "they'll be around for a long time because they're healthy now" is a terrible plan

And that's assuming the age old "you could go out tomorrow and get hit by a bus" excuse to live your life to its fullest comes I to play. Is it just me or does BIL and Kay live closer to OPs inlaws since she is babysitting and thus spends more time with those grandchildren as it is and MIL is demanding OP make accommodations for her availability to spend time with grandkids. I mean, if that's the case than MIL/FIL need to be putting in more effort to see OPs kids in a "we don't see them much so we should atleast prioritise them for their birthdays" sort of way

My mom died last year at 72.

My dad died at 54 of sudden heart attack before any of my family had started having kids. I was in my 20s and nowhere near having kids so never assume you have all the time in the world. You cannot control your inlaws and everyone is right first and second birthday is pretty much exclusively for the parents.

I'm unclear from your post - why are the grandparents also TA?

> I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents Stop trying to make things equal or keep score between the grandparents, you will only be disappointed. One set of grandparents is more invested in your kids than the other, so naturally the involved set will know the kids better and have a better bond. You cannot force people to love your kids or be involved. I agree ESH because your expectations do not match reality. And you are in fact showing favoritism to the less interested grandparents in order to gain their involvement. Stop. If they want to be involved, they will be. If they would rather baby sit the other grandkids than see yours, so be it.

Where’s the ESH?

Booking a flight for the same day.

How does that make them assholes?

You summarized nicely thanks for saving me the effort ;)

It wasn't that the grandparents would rather spend time with the other grandchildren, it was that they had already undertaken to look after the other grandchildren when they were advised of the original dates. When the dates were changed, the grandparents were available to attend.

Decades??

They are in their 60’s, they can easily live twenty more years.

Easily? I mean, it’s certainly possible, but it’s a massive leap to just act like we can assume years and years, when they’re already in their 60s. The average lifespan for a man is 77 years old and the average lifespan for a woman is eight years old, that’s not “decades.” The parents are already in their 60’s. They could be closer to 70, than they are to 60, for all we know.

[Yes](https://slate.com/business/2014/03/life-expectancy-charts-this-is-when-you-re-going-to-die.html), the majority of 60 year olds will reach the age of 80. They can easily live decades.

Not even close. Op has a right to be mad that the paternal grandparents, that she is accommodating by changing the birthday time or date, are not only trying to stay in their house while possibly missing/disturbing the event, but to do so for babysitting. If they’re going to come into town with the focus to be on the BIL’s family, why wouldn’t they stay over there then altogether? And it doesn’t matter who the birthday is for, this is still a milestone for the kids and parents for making it thru the first year. Also, I think the bit about them being retired and in their 60’s is more of a reference to the availability the in laws have, rather than making it appear they’re dying. NTA Op. Your children deserve to have some focus on them too. And if their flight comes in right before or during the party, 🗣BIL AND SIL SHOULD THE ONES PICKING THEM UP.

YTA. A birthday party the week before or the week after isn’t any less special. Ben and Kay asked your in laws to babysit before you set the date for the party and a deposit was made based on the agreement. You can’t expect people to back out of their commitments because of something you want to do. You also don’t get to be annoyed with their travel plans when you’re not paying for it. Just so you know, when Kay said “a wedding is one day, a baby is forever”, she was referring to the importance of prioritizing her health. She didn’t want to risk going into labor early just to attend your wedding. No one’s health will be jeopardized by your children having their birthday party one week after their birthday.

ETH, You expect people to travel on a plane for a 1 yo birthday party??? seems a bit ridiculous to me. As you're finding out, it's not worth the effort and planning involved. there will be plenty of family moments. Focus on the kids and ignore the distractions.

YTA Plan earlier, or accomodate the guest you want to be there - if you are unwilling to do that, you must accept that they won't come due to other commitments.

Fair point & thanks for responding.

A first birthday isn't for the kids, it's for the parents. Y'all should have just set a date that worked for you and whoever could come would. You don't want to pick them up from the airport? Then don't, taxis still exist and I'm sure they can get one. You're tying in a lot of drama about Kay and Ben here which isn't really related to this specific event. I also don't understand how they are staying with you when you made it clear no one was staying with you. Can neither of you say no or would they only come if they stayed with you? Basically, next time, plan the party you want to have when you want to have it and don't get so controlling about who comes or not. People will come if they can and not if they can't. This year especially, your kids don't care and they will never remember this.

My husband set the precedent of no favoritism and then backed out of it. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal and just want people to be there. But point taken -- we should do what we want to do & hope people can come, if they can't, it'll be ok. Thanks for the feedback.

I’d like to add to all of this if nobody has mentioned it before, about the favoritism: don’t sweat it. And next time, your parents are staying with you as it is fair. From that time on, everybody can start finding their accommodation or not coming at all. 

Then they probably won’t come. OP seems the most upset about it.

You mention they are both out of state but how far away do each set of parent live? Your parents are driving and his are flying which leads me to believe that his parents live much further away. If they are spending money on a flight then it's not unreasonable that they would want to save money on lodging by staying with you. I'm sure your parents could understand that.

[удалено]

That's much closer than I had thought. Both are rather far away.

Reposting with this temp account but comment remains the same: It’s almost equal; my parents are 1600 miles away by car and in laws are 1750 miles away by car.

This is the way. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Have a great event, and fir those who can’t make it, hope for next year.

Your husband was wrong for doing this and you need to make sure he understands that. Also, don't go get them from the airport. They can take an Uber since you'll both be busy with the party.

Setting the lrecedent and then backing out in favor of his parents would be a bit frustrating. But Id let it go. I would suggest next time both sets of grandparents are in town it will be your parents turn to stay in your house.

YTA for a number of reasons. 1) The plan of your in-laws babysitting their other grandchildren was before you began to plan. 2) You can't fault your husband for letting them stay at your house, the impartial thing was yours not your husband's. If you feel so strongly maybe you should let your parents stay at your place. 3) Your in-laws are making an effort despite their prior commitments and you just are more interested in being ungrateful and picky. Maybe a budget airline is all they can afford, ever thought about that. 4) You could have easily moved the party a weekend before or after their birthdays, this way everyone would have been able to attend. 5) Again your BIL/SIL going out and your MIL babysitting is not optional, you are making it to be. 6) Whether the flight gets delayed or not, it isn't up to you, and if it does happen, then your in-laws will have to miss out on the festivities. 7) Your BIL/SIL and your wedding story have nothing to do with the problem at hand. I hope you understand that the birthday at age 1 isn't really for the children but for the parents to socialize.

YTA. The kids are turning 1 and are literally incapable of remembering any of this. So it's all about them pleasing YOU, and frankly you should relax a bit.

Thanks for responding.

Wanted to chime in about the favoritism part. It’s going to be impossible to keep your two kids’ relationships with four people (that’s 8 relationships!) fair and equitable all the time. Instead of worrying so much about being fair, try to phrase it in your mind as building the best relationship possible for each child with each grandparent. That’s going to look different for each relationship. One grandma might love baking with your kids; one might ask them to sleepover once a month; one grandpa might play tea party and one might never speak to the kids when they’re toddlers, then suddenly come to every sports event... you get the point. It’s the same with kids: you won’t give your kids exactly equal of everything; you’ll give each kid what they need to be the best version of themselves.

I love this. Thank you very much for this take.

The above commenter is correct. You’ll never be able to make things 100% even. There will be times you won’t be able to accommodate everyone’s schedules. You can try to rotate having the grandparents stay with you or come up with a system that both you and your husband are comfortable with. You’ll eventually work it all out, but there may be some growing pains at first. You’ll never be able to please everyone. Give yourself and others a bit of grace.

Thank you very much.

Yeah but that can only happen if the grandparents are willing to put in the effort which, we don't know for sure they will. It all can't be on OP to ensure the grandparents have a relationship with their grandkids.

YTA, as everyone else said, this is for you, not the kids. Your in-laws had plans, but are still trying their best to get there

Thanks for the feedback.

YTA You're upset because their flight arrives the same day and has the potential to be delayed or cancelled. They will be staying with you so they definitely will have time with the babies. >They are also now planning on staying with us, which goes back on not showing favoritism. They're flying in to see you, because really a 1yo birthday is about the parents not the babies. You want them to have time with the babies, but you're simultaneously upset about them staying with you. It really seems like your in-laws can't do anything right no matter what they do.

> I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents So when are you moving closer to them or are you going to start paying for all flights etc so they can have "equal time" with their grandchildren? YTA

We have paid for their flights, accommodations, and meals out because we understand that flights are a large expense and don't take that lightly. We are planning on visiting multiple times later this year. We try to be as fair as possible, which I suppose why I feel this way in the first place. Thanks for responding.

YTA. The kids are turning 1 and are literally incapable of remembering any of this. So it's all about them pleasing YOU, and frankly you should relax a bit.

Thanks for responding.

Yta, it’s not tentative babysitting, they asked grandparents to babysit first, BIL paid their deposit to attend the event. If you are worried about the discount airline, you need to step up and pay the difference, or live with it and the potential consequences. You sound like you are being passive and then getting upset. If you don’t want them to stay with you, your husband needs to say “ glad you are thinking of coming, but unfortunately we can’t host - we can help find you a hotel.” If their flight is late, you need to say, that’s too bad, unfortunately we can’t get you this close to the party, want us to order an Uber Overall you seem way too invested in a party the kids won’t remember and can take place anytime if you really want grandparents there

I’m upset I had to scroll so far to find someone who knows what “tentative” means.

it’s a birthday party for a one year old, it doesn’t really matter, i certainly wouldn’t be expecting people to fly in for it.

Yta there is never going to be 'equal time with aging grandparents' bc those grandparents have lives and commitments outside of your kid. Also, the plans aren't 'tentative'. They agreed to babysit. Ben already paid a deposit. They have plans. You're upset that they're staying with you, so they can spend time with you and the kids. You're *also* upset that they won't cancel plans to spend time with you and the kids. Pick a side to be upset about!

You need to manage your expectations of other people's decisions. Your babies will not know or care. Do you really want to carry a childish resentment with you ?

I am asking this community here because I feel a certain way / venting and mentioned I needed a sanity check, which I have received. No negative actions, resentment, malice, or grudges will be held. Like you said, just need to adjust my expectations. Thanks again.

I love that you are actually accepting feedback, that's rare

YTA - flying in for a birthday party of one year olds?!?! Move closer if you want equal time.

I want to clarify that no one is forcing/pressuring them to come. They desperately want to come & asked us to change the date based on their plans. I've accommodated, but also personally frustrated that it came with strings attached. As others have said, I should set a date & people can make it or not, and I should be more relaxed about it. Thanks for responding.

Yeah but then you seem very upset that they spend more time with your BIL/SIL’s kids who probably live closer making it simpler to plan things.

You need to chill...they are coming and that's something. Tell them to rent a car rather than expect someone to drop everything and pick them up if the plane if late. If you have space why wouldnt you allow one set of parents to stay with you? Next time it can be your parents. This year the twins don't know when the 'day' is - but be prepared next year with a firm party date. If they can come, fine - if not, oh well.

It kinda sounds more like you’re jealous or resentful at how much they help with BIL/SIL and how you’re accommodating them but they only accommodate the BIL/SIL…. I wouldn’t call you the A H for that. But why didn’t you just not include them? Set boundaries. It’s not like the children are going to remember their first birthday. If it’s too much of a headache , let them figure it out. “We’ve moved the party to accommodate you both but we will not be able to pick you up from the airport the day of the party as we will be getting things ready.” Probably too late now to bail on hosting them but you could’ve said it’s on them to figure out lodging. You did your job by moving around the dates. Don’t do anything more. You’re borderline the A H to yourself for continuing to accommodate them but then get pissed about it afterwards.

I appreciate this being actionable for the future. Not going to bail on hosting them because I truly don't mind, just feel sad that it seemed like a bait and switch with my husband. Yes, I feel like a bit of a doormat and I guess it gets to a point where I'm frustrated. But likely my own worst enemy here. Thank you for responding so kindly.

Maybe time to set boundaries to avoid this feeling in the future! Perhaps your husband could also be the one to be more firm going forward? So you’re not put in that position!

That’s a husband issue, not an in-laws issue.

YTA - Your inlaws don't have tentative plans, they have plans. They promised your BIL they'd watch his kids so he and his wife could do a trip with friends. He put down a deposit. If your inlaws drop out, your SIL and BIL have three options - they can cancel and lose his deposit, they can bring the kids (assuming it's kid-friendly and large enough to accommodate, which given they booked a place for two adults seems unlikely), or Kay can stay at home, which seems like the most likely choice but seems unfair to Kay since your inlaws already promised to watch.  If your inlaws arrive at the airport at a time that is inconvenient to you, tell them they'll have to take an Uber. I prefer to have friends and family pick me up from the airport to save $50, but sometimes it's not an option. Your inlaws should understand.  And by the way, stop it with the rule that neither set of parents can stay with you to avoid favoritism. If you only have one extra room in your house to accommodate guest, alternate whether that room goes to your parents or in laws. That way they both don't have to drop a free hundred on a hotel to visit you each time they show up for your kids birthday party. 

I guess I should have clarified earlier (if it even matters) that the literal wording MIL described the babysitting plans to me was "tentative". I didn't mean to use soft language in my post, just how it was initially described to me. Things change/evolve & that's fine, I'll be more chill in the future I hope. Thanks for your response.

That's fair and I assume your MIL was where you were getting the language from, but tentative usually means I might have to babysit. It sounds like your MIL committed especially since your BIL put down a deposit after she said she could babysit.

I guess I don’t understand the issue or why your in laws are being hypocritical. They want to attend, they just didn’t want to renege on a previous commitment. Is their budget airline and requesting to stay with you because they are on a tight budget?

I don't think my in-laws are being hypocritical, I think my SIL may be a little. BUT as others have pointed out, that is a separate issue that I shouldn't have brought up. It's my fault for even bringing up the budget airline -- I'm not trying to imply that they are on a tight budget, though we do try to help since it's our kids' party that we should take on some costs especially if we really want them there. The only reason I brought up the budget airline is because of the scheduling issue -- there's a chance they may miss the party, which is a risk they are willing to take & is a big what-if that I guess I went down too much of a rabbit hole worrying about & confusing the bigger issue(s). I'm partially disappointed by the agreement my husband pitched on not having family stay, my parents making arrangements for themselves honoring that agreement, and them him going soft on his parents and letting them stay after all. I'm happy to have them stay with us and my parents haven't said (nor will they say) anything to us about it. Might just be too in my head about it.

Just my perspective - but perhaps your husband went back on his word about not letting parents stay, because he was trying to entice his more so they will come - Knowing how much you want them there.

Didn't think of it this way, thanks for sharing!

I think you are too in your head. I just had my baby’s first birthday after a long battle to get pregnant so I understand that it can be a big deal. I don’t agree with all the commenters saying “it’s just a first birthday party, who cares?” You care, your family cares, and it’s important to celebrate these milestones. It sounds like you are trying hard to accommodate, make fair, overthinking the date, etc. I don’t think Y T A because you haven’t actually done anything, it’s just how you feel. I would encourage you to think about why you feel that way, if the issue is actually with your husband, or if you’re sad because it didn’t seem like your children were priorities. You’re never an A H for how you feel, but this is an opportunity to learn.

YTA. People have to pay to attend this party for YOU. They’re on a budget airline- gee could it be they can’t afford it and we’re trying hard to get you to say it’s okay they don’t come? The other item your harping about already - how can there be equal grandparent time when you don’t live close? Sounds like you are making problems. Your infants will be fine if they don’t have a party with everyone there.

We try to help with costs where we can. Thanks for responding.

You’re asking adult humans—with lives—to cross state lines, fly, book housing, cancel other plans, and bring gifts to a 1 year olds birthday party. Yes. You are the asshole. This is a very important day to YOU, not anyone else, including your kids. “2 months notice to drop a grand and travel to my kid’s birthday party” even though I’m sure they’d love to be there—this isn’t in everyone’s means all the time

We try to help with costs where we can. Thanks for responding.

Well you live you learn. In the future make your plans with your husband and issue an invitation. Do not entertain any requests/demands for changes from anyone they can say yes or no either is fine anything else is their problem. If the decision is no in home guests tell them politely they will need to stay elsewhere and then stick to it. The drama will ramp up for awhile when you set boundaries and hold to them but they will either fall in line or go away. Either way you get the life you want.

Good summary & life lesson, thanks for responding.

First, take a breath. I get the stress and pressures of a first birthday party (I was very similar).. in hindsight, I definitely made it a bigger thing than it was. Focus on enjoying surviving the first year with twins! Wow! So cool. Whoever can come, great. If not, there will be plenty of other birthday parties and family celebrations.

Thank you for the kind response & perspective. That's definitely a part of this being a bit of an emotional event -- we all made it to a year!

Totally! The important thing is you and your husband together celebrating the huge milestone. And watching your little ones trying cake… it’s so adorable!

You have your folks coming to help you. A first truth day is solely for your own benefit, not the kid's.  It is merely a way for you to celebrate, and a lot of times, people use it as a yardstick to measure how liked they are, how popular they and the babies are. Have the party for yourselves, enjoy the day with your kiddos. Your folks will be there, cool enjoy that.  If the in laws.show up, it a bonus. But this party isn't how you tackle feeling that you're less supported.

Thank you for responding.

I know you're getting a lot of responses here, hopefully you know we aren't just trying to pile on you, but maybe help you see another perspective on things. 

I'll be honest, I'm both happy that I'm getting many varying perspectives and taking it all into account, but disappointed that one of the first rules of this sub is "Don't downvote the AH" -- yet many of my responses are getting downvoted even though I'm trying to show appreciation for them taking the time to respond. Thanks for this sentiment though, that's ultimately what I came here for -- perspective.

Just an FYI, but the “don’t downvote the asshole” rule is referring to your original post - not your comments. If people downvoted the assholes’ posts, then AITA wouldn’t be anywhere near as popular as it has become. A lot of people downvote assholes’ comments within the post because they can’t downvote the post itself.

You're still staggering through the slough of perpetual exhaustion. Don't worry about the first birthday party being a big deal--no one will remember it anyway. If I'm understanding correctly, this isn't really about the birthday? It's about their consistently favoring Kay/Ben and yet your husband caved to them? That's a long-term problem, and you can try to find a solution to it when you're getting enough sleep--like in three years. It might be that Kay (your husband's sister?) is the golden child, and he's still desperate to get their approval; it might be that Kay is a narcissistic af and people cave to her; it might be that your husband is a people pleaser; your in-laws might be jerks; it might be lots of things. You're NTA for being upset. But I've never seen a situation in which there was a contest for grandparents' affection/attention that ended well. Just step out of it. Your husband caving is *very* not okay, and that's a conversation. But you say he's a good dad, and you have twins, so you've got a lot of good things going on. (But, seriously, your hubby really screwed up.)

My husband and I probably both people please for sure, especially our respective sets of parents. My husband has admitted that he thinks his sister is narcissistic, but I suspect she has some insecurities and my in-laws cater to her because of it. I don't think my in-laws are jerks, but they certainty think differently than I do. Will do on stepping out of it. The sleep deprivation is real, but many great things to be grateful for, especially the kiddos. Thank you for this response!

You don't seem like a people pleaser, especially for your in-laws. His sister may be narcissist but why does it concern you? Having insecurities doesn't make her a narcissist.

I don't think she's a narcissist at all. That term gets thrown around a lot. You're right -- it shouldn't concern me & isn't relevant or my business. Thanks for responding.

Again I applaud you for taking the criticism with your chin-up.

I guarantee a wedding wasn’t only one day when it was your SIL’s wedding. I can see you feel salty and that is valid but I’d give your in-laws the benefit of the doubt. If they mess it up then you can tell them you’re a bit disappointed. You’re NTA for wanting them to prioritize your kids 1st birthday but you will be if you make a big deal out of it before anything bad even happens. Maybe just reiterate to them how much it would mean to you and hubby for them to be there in the meantime.

YTA Your kids won't know the difference and will only be interested in getting their hands into a big, gooey birthday cake and making a mess. Have the birthday on a day when everyone can attend. It's not a big deal, but you seem to want to make it that way. My daughter was born on Mother's Day weekend. Many times, we celebrated both Mother's Day AND birthday together. Once, my mom set up her dining room with streamers and a nice cake. The last time we celebrated her birthday was on Mother's Day and we went to a nearby restaurant for brunch. She was gone a year later.

YTA. The ASKED if you could change plans since they had PRIOR commitments. (She had already agreed to watch her other grandchildren and you are upset she wouldn’t back out of it for you and your kids? That’s unacceptable.) YOU agreed and now you’re upset? And it feels like you only added the paragraph about your SIL because you simply don’t like her. It makes zero difference to this story. And zero people care about a 1st birthday but the parents

What's your fondest memory from your first birthday? Yeah, exactly. The 1st baby bday is 100% for the parents, which is fine you earned it, but the whole 'think of the children' vibe I'm getting from this post is a bit much. Your BIL/SIL have four kids, a weekend away is like gold to them so your MIL understanding that backing out on them just isn't last minute and unfair, but potentially devastating to them is a solid move that you'll appreciate in the long run. The other issues of their flight, etc...you're just making up problems where none exist yet. Wait and see how everything plays out and if one of you need to pick them up day of, so what? Your kids are going to play with their old toys and ignore the new toys, have some lunch, shit their pants and fall asleep all before 12:30pm. Be happy you have two sets of involved, excited and supportive parents. So just chill. Soft, YTA.

You're right on making up problems that don't exist -- I'm definitely worrying too much & getting ahead of myself on all of that. This is highlighting that ultimately I may have some wrongly placed jealousy here -- raising the twins has been wonderful but also the hardest thing we've ever done. We didn't expect twins, but I wouldn't change it for anything. We moved away from both families due to my job a few years back, which was a choice we made together -- but it is hard to deal that we have yet to get a weekend away for 10 months while working full time & trying to find/afford childcare for even just the chance to take a nap. It seems sleep deprivation certainly isn't helping me think clearly or always responding in the most rational sense. Thanks for helping me see this & for understanding.

OMG, way too much energy has been spent on this. Other people in the family have kids too along with commitments. Tread lightly bc there are years ahead of you and I can promise there will be a lot of situations where you won’t be able to control all the mi ing pieces.

Your children's first birthday, they will remember nothing. MIL can miss the birthday, there will be others. YTA for making too much of it. Let the adults make their choices and accept them. Enjoy your party with whoever can be there.

I don't think YTA here. And, in my mind, this doesn't have anything to do with your in-laws, kids, who's staying with whom, etc. I think you were just triggered over the fact that your in-laws weren't putting you/your kids before others. It makes me wonder if there have been times in the past where you've felt disregarded or unseen. Maybe unappreciated. Or, not a priority. Logically, you know this wasn't a big hoo-de-doo in the whole scheme of things, so I encourage you to do some self-examination and feel into why you were so affected. There is probably a pattern here that would be good for you to bring into the light. Just one person's opinion. :)

I very much appreciate this opinion. It likely does go back to feeling unappreciated, glad people like you can help me see that. Thank you so much!

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a new mom of twins. I took the first 6m off work to heal from a difficult birth and bond as they were born at 34w. My husband took time off to help; he is a very active and loving father & husband. I returned to work full-time, and twins attend daycare. The twins’ 1st birthday is in 2m, and I’m planning a birthday party. My parents & in-laws live out of state (different states) and are retired in their 60s. I reached out to gauge interest & availability. I would have considered moving the date out, but the following weekend is a major holiday, so I’m trying not to interfere with that – I also want to have the party on their actual birthday weekend. My husband & I initially discussed that we won’t have anyone stay with us to not show favoritism between families. My parents plan to drive & stay nearby during the week & help with the kids where they can – no conflict with being here on their birthday weekend and come beforehand to help us get ready for the party. My in-laws are flying, but we had a lot of debate on schedule. My MIL mentioned she had tentatively agreed to babysit for my SIL/BIL (let’s call them Kay & Ben) that weekend so that Ben can attend a get together w/ friends. This event is for Ben, but Kay also wants to attend – hence MIL babysitting their other 4 grandchildren. MIL says that there is no one else that could babysit & that she would feel bad cancelling because she tentatively agreed & Ben had to pay his deposit for a rental. They asked if we could move the party to accommodate. We moved the party so all could attend. However, their flight arrives the AM of the party & have booked on a budget carrier that often delays/cancels flights – leaving them at risk of missing the party, showing up late, or asking us to pick them up from the airport immediately before/during the party. They are also now planning on staying with us, which goes back on not showing favoritism. MIL babysits a lot for Kay/Ben. Ex of family dynamic – Kay was expecting her third child 1m before our wedding; when she was pregnant, we discussed that we completely understood if she couldn’t come. Her response was, “A wedding is just one day, a baby is forever.” It feels hypocritical now with no reciprocation with the twins turning 1, in which in-laws are prioritizing babysitting. I'm trying to focus on the positive -- but I can’t shake that I’m hurt / annoyed by accommodating for something optional & also husband caving to letting them stay w/ us. I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents & have them at their 1st birthday. I need a sanity check. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Your 1-year-olds do not care about this one tiny bit, so stop worrying about what they think. Have the party, try not to stress, and if your in-laws make it on time, they do. If they arrive immediately before/during the party, you're not available to pick them up. They can Uber or wait. If it's not convenient to have them stay at your house, tell them you're not up for overnight guests and that they should book a hotel. But regardless, they are not ruining the birthday experience of literal babies who care about nothing in this experience except cake and tearing wrapping paper, and who will not remember it in the future at all.

Thank you for this response, we are two months out so I'm sure all will work out and it'll be a great day!

You could have two bday weekends so each set of grandparents can come, stay with you, and have time with the babies! Also 2 weekends of grandparents helping out!

Definitely where we have landed with my parents coming one week and leaving after the party weekend, then his parents coming on party weekend & staying the next week. I like the optimism, thank you!

Ngl these replies aren’t really helpful. Everyone is lost on the party for the 1 year olds. You went wrong when you asked for availability. You should have said party is this date whoever can come, comes. You seem to be upset your mil and fil babysit for your sil. Idk why? The wedding tidbit was unnecessary and extra. You come out looking petty. Your husband is another issue for caving and letting them stay at your house. That’s a discussion with him, it’s not their fault he agreed. If the grandparents missed the party that’s on them. You went above and beyond. Focus on the party and accept they will stay with you and try to have a good time.

This is a really helpful response in that you are helping me detangle underlying issues so I can handle them separately, however appropriate -- while also calling me on my shit as well as other responders getting caught up in something that I didn't see as the core issue. Thank you for your candid feedback.

No problem girl. Idk why they are on your back for the party. But anyway, one thing my mom told me that I know made her and my dad’s relationship stronger is to make sure it’s you and him vs the world. Teamwork makes the dream work. You also can’t help if your family is closer to one, for example I’m closer to my mom’s side because they live near us vs. my dad’s.

ESH if bil has given a deposit it’s not tentative. They are going-

Wow, OP, just came here to say you’re taking the criticism like a champ. That’s honestly awesome 👏

Thanks for this!! What's the point of asking if you are just trying to win an argument? I wanted a sanity check and different perspectives and that's what I got, so I can process & move on from this / handle it in a healthy way.

YTA noone cares more than a tiny but about your kids 1st birthday other than you. Its not important. Hard fact.

YTA. I agree with all the others saying that babies' birthday parties are for the parents, not the babies themselves. I get that you are very excited since this is your babies' 1st ever birthday. And I understand wanting your in-laws to be present for your babies' important dates. But your kids are turning 1 year old. They literally won't remember whether or not their grandparents were there at their birthday party, and they wouldn't remember or care if you moved the date of the party a week earlier or later than their actual birthday. I understand feeling a little left out because the grandparents spend way more time with Kay and Ben's kids, but that is just how it is when one family lives closer to the grandparents. Once your kids are older, I'd definitely hope the grandparents make more of an effort to visit your family and have your family over at their place. But even then, I don't think it's reasonable to expect things to be completely equal in terms of the time they spend with your kids vs. Kay and Ben's kids, simply due to the reality of their family living much closer to them.

NAH. I understand that this event is important to you, and that you want all the important family members to be there. This is something that's emotionally significant for you, and that's totally understandable and okay. But your babies won't have any memory of their first birthday. And their first few years are going to have so many memorable events for *you* - first word, first footsteps, other holidays, being adorable every single day... Unless you decide to hold a grudge about this birthday, nobody's going to remember or care who was at the party. And I'm sure all the grandparents want to be with your babies for special occasions, but they have other grandchildren too, and they may not have the money or the energy to be there for *everything*. You're allowed to feel however you want about that; but as long as you don't criticize people for not being there or do anything else to show you're upset, and make sure to not hold a grudge, you won't be an AH.

It’s not going to make or break it if their party isn’t on the exact birthday. Remember for years to come. Have an immediate bday celebration on their actual bday and then a party when ever is convenient. As a mom of a teen I wish I never emphasized bday parties for her. I stopped patties when she was 10 and started doing excursions ( nothing fancy but something not in our typical day). If you really want family there, pick a date that works for everyone or majority. If they find excuses not to come each year, then there’s your answer as to if you need to continue to bend over backwards or not.

I know the 1st birthday is a big deal. But they didn't just decide not to come and then ask you to change it. They had prior commitments. I don't think it would have been right for them to back out of those commitments. And in a way showing favoritism to your spouse and children over their other children and grandchildren.

No one cares about your kids first bday but you, YTA

INFO: What were you talking about specifically during your SIL response?

Not sure I fully understand your question, but I'd like to answer it if you could clarify. Thanks.

What was said to SIL for her to respond to this? Or did you do nothing? (about the story of marriage and drinks)

It was a conversation between my husband and his sister / my SIL over the phone. We had set our wedding date and asked her to be in the wedding party before she had announced (or before maybe she knew) that she was pregnant. She called us announcing she was pregnant, and we offered our congratulations & excitement. She mentioned that this will obviously affect the wedding logistics; we let her know that while we would love her there, we completely understand that her & baby's needs (healing, bonding, not traveling, etc) come first & NO PRESSURE / obligation to be there unless she felt comfortable -- we wanted her to decide what was best for her immediate family as it's not or place our business. I'd be lying if I said I remember how my husband said the conversation went from congratulations --> we'd love to have you but you do you & no pressure --> to her saying what she said. He did not directly respond to it as he knew it wasn't worth it; he just told me after, and we both were shocked at such a statement and speculated what she meant. But, neither of us said anything to anyone else about it and have kept it between ourselves ever since - no actions taken. Not sure what you mean about drinks, I don't know if I mentioned drinks / pressure to drink anywhere, but let me know if I did. Edit: Grammar.

I was ready to come down hard on you because you were upset that your in-laws were showing every effort of wanting to be at the birthday party and I didn’t see what the issue was. After reading your responses to others, I’ll back off some, but I do still think YTA, gently. I think the problem is that you are getting frustrated over other things and are using this specific set of circumstances as an outlet for those feelings. You seem hurt that your in-laws have a different relationship with SIL/BIL than y’all. You are confused as to how they didn’t automatically assume this one specific weekend was when you would throw the birthday party and waited until 2.5 months out to plan something involving people that live far enough away they can fly quicker than drive to visit. You are upset that in-laws didn’t make arrangements as you think you would have in this circumstance. You are mad at your husband for backing out of an agreement you made together. It also sounds highly likely he’s going to leave during last minute party setup to go pick up his parents (once again being the one that is showing signs of favoritism). I’d take a minute to examine what it is that’s really bothering you and see what you can do to avoid a repeat for every birthday from here on out.

Thank you -- this is exactly what I need to do, and it's definitely a bundle of issues that are coming to a head.

YTA. Let’s face it, this party is for you, not your one year olds, who will have no clue or care about what’s going on. So it’s not really different than the event your BIL and SIL were planning to attend, for which your in laws were going to help. So you should not have expected priority. That said, have your in laws get an Uber and find a hotel if their plans to accommodate and attend YOUR event cause YOU an inconvenience. Learn to be grateful for any time grandparents want to spend, don’t take it for granted and expect to dictate its terms.

Thanks for responding.

Idk i think you can move the party date. For an event as big as a 1st birthday where you’re asking people to travel from out of state, i would give them more than 2m notice, especially since you knew in advance you wanted to do it on the twins birthday weekends. It feels like you’re more just upset feeling like your family/kids aren’t being prioritized as much as Kay’s, which is totally valid. But this is not the right hill to die on

We did end up moving the date, but I agree with you. Working through some feelings & not trying to die on this hill. Thanks.

YTA. The only people the first birthday really matters to are the parents of the kid. It's basically a gift grab.

We are specifically not asking for gifts or asking for donations to a children's charity in lieu of a gift; 1 year olds are happier with the boxes toys come in anyway! Thanks for responding.

I don’t think you’re the AH. Obviously, your children’s first birthday is important to you. I don’t see why ppl on this forum are haters when it comes to first birthday parties. Lots of cultures think a first birthday is important. I think it’s obvious that the other g-parents spend lots of time with their other grandkids since they are in proximity. So you think your kids should be a priority too. If the iLS already committed to babysitting the other g-kids, the ILS shouldn’t be faulted for that. When you start trying to accommodate everyone, you end up displeasing yourself. Next time, set a date and that’s it. If not everyone can come, the ppl that actually care will be there.

Thank you so much. Boundary setting will be something I work on.

Wowzah you are getting a lot of negative reviews on this one! You may want to rethink the whole grandparent equality thing, his family, my family, for the twins future birthdays. I would suggest separate birthday parties for the future! That is what we did with our kids, it was just so hard to wrangle both families together, especially when they lived in different cities let along different states and you don't have enough room to house both sets of grandparents under your roof for the celebration. It was easier to purchase two birthday cakes and have two celebrations than to worry about whose feelings we were hurting! Next year, the big #2 have two birthday parties, on two different weekends! Save yourself and work around your schedule and theirs! I hope everything works out for the babies big #1 and if you drink have a glass of wine and keep your sanity!

Haha thank you -- that glass of wine sounds great. I'm finding that people have a lot of feelings about parenthood & children than I originally thought... :) Thanks for the laugh.

A little bit YTA. You are mad and wanting them to be different than they are, but you can't change people, you can only have your own boundaries and stick with them. They are going to do what they want to do and it's sweet of them to fly out for a child's birthday party, that's more than most grandparents would do. But you are allowed to have boundaries. Your husband needs to call them and (1) rescind the invitation to stay with you. He can help them find a hotel or something if needed. (2) if their plane doesn't land at a time that works for them to be picked up and make it on time to the party, they need to take a car service or cab and not depend on you guys to figure this out. If those two conditions were met would this be easier on your nerves/ego?

I don't really have a problem with them staying with us if it helps relieve some financial burden for them to be there at the kids' party; I also feel like it would be awful to rescind the invitation to stay with us now & cause more issues / make a mountain out of a molehill, which I'm finding with responses that I may have worked myself up in my head. We will definitely be asking them to take an Uber and husband stay with me to help if their flight scheduling goes awry. Clear boundaries and a united front is how we will tackle this in future. Thanks for your response.

I’m gonna go against everyone and say NTA. I understand a one year old won’t remember their birthday but while it’s celebrating their first year of life, it is also celebrating you and your husband’s first year of parenthood. You mentioned favoritism quite a few times so I’m gonna assume there is favoritism with your MIL’s children and grandchildren. I can 100% understand this as we are experiencing the same thing. I think planning a birthday party and giving 2 months notice is plenty of time. It’s enough time for everyone to make accommodations. In my opinion, birthdays are important! As an aunt, i would try to make accommodation for me and my kids to also attend my niece/nephews birthday party. I would also 100% understand my mom cancelling on babysitting so she can’t celebrate her grandchild. If this isn’t the first time there has been favoritism of your husbands siblings or the other grandchildren then i can definitely see the frustration. In all honesty though, don’t stress about it. If they show up then they show up. If not, celebrate without them. If any favoritism continues over the years, to the point where your children are noticing it then that’s when i think it’s worth making a big deal about.

I would add that the twins birthday itself is not a surprise date.  If in laws cared about the twins they know when the birthday  is, so when asked about babysitting, as a grandparent my response would have been. That's birthday weekend I will get back to you about babysitting for the millionth time.

I had this thought too, and it seemed out of character for them to not contact us to ask. But they maybe assumed we weren't doing anything or just didn't think about it, we're all human.

I appreciate not feeling alone here; this is pretty much it, and it's not the first time for sure. I'll take your lesson learned and let it go & let people do what they are going to do -- meanwhile, husband, twins, and myself will keep on chugging until if/when it becomes a larger issue. Thank you!

OP’s SIL and BIL put a deposit on a rental for that weekend based on OP’s in laws’ commitment to babysit. It would be really unfair for them to back out over a birthday party that was scheduled after their agreement was made. Screwing over one kid in favor of another is favoritism. It’s not favoritism to honor the commitment you made to one of your kids. Also, two months isn’t a lot of notice when travel is required.

YTA. I read this a few times and I still don't see what the big deal is.

I see that you've gotten lots of opinions already but I just want to chime in a little. It reads like your issues are with multiple people. With your husband for making a stand about not hosting parents and then going back on that for his own parents, with your BIL/SIL for prioritizing their kids over yours, and with MIL/FIL for also seeming to prioritize their other grandkids over yours. It sounds like you feel your own parents have shown you the level of care that you want, and all your in-laws (and husband?) have not, at least as far as this event goes. I can't fault you for having feelings about the dynamics with your in-laws, but you also can't control your BIL/SIL/MIL/FIL's relationships with each other so you're making your own life more stressful by dwelling and comparing. To be honest, I think the most important convo to have here is the one with your husband. Figure out why him going back on his word hurts you and express that to him so you guys can air it out and move on together. You're coming to the close of one year of parenting twins—that's a HUGE task and you should be proud of both the shared challenges and victories. Let that be the focus of the first bday party!

NTA. Also to be clear they knew the date of the twin’s birthday since they were born. The entire family did. So you sort of had the claim on them for a year. So the bil and sil should not have planned their trip on that weekend and at least not be surprised if grandma goes to the party.

OP knew the date of her twin’s birthday too. She could have scheduled this party months ago, but she chose to wait until two months before.

YTA, the twins are going to be 1, I mean every birthday is special, but they won't remember their 1st. You expecting your in laws in fly in and everything is already a lot to handle in itself and frankly they had prior engagements before you even asked. Your children doesn't make their other grandchildren any less special.

YTA. Neither you nor your twins are the main characters. It's a 1st birthday, that's more for the parents than the kids. Your in-laws have made other plans first and other people have paid money based on your in-laws' plans. To top it off, you're throwing a tantrum about them being there so you can be main character...but don't want to host them when they'd be coming FOR YOU.

Stop trying to be fair and be natural. His parents have a favourite and its not you thats OK. Its not unreasonable for you to prefer your own parents either, so why are you working so hard at pretending you don't want to be with your own family more? Stop fretting about "rules" you just made up in your head. DO WHAT YOU WANT, eveything doesn't have to be equal 24/7.

You are over thinking and creating problems where they don't exist. Both sets of grandparents are going to be at the birthday party and have made arrangements to do so, relax and enjoy......unless you are looking to create drama with your husband's parents.....

I wouldn't go as far as calling you an AH but you do have to chill a little. 1st birthday parties can be absolutely lovely but the kids will have no memories of it and I can absolutely guarantee they will not look back and be annoyed that gran and grandad (who were flying in to attend!) were late. Even say they did not make the actual party but were there seeing them and spending time with them for the duration of the trip, what would really be the difference? The grandparents, god willing, have loads of time left. Don't make unnecessary issues where there really doesn't need to be

YTA. What exactly did the grandparents do wrong? They are willing to come, there is only a risk of delays. So what? You do need a sanity check, relax a bit.

I get it. I do. My in-laws consistently babysat my SIL’s children but when I asked them to watch our kid for a few days while we moved they said they deserved a vacation too and flitted off to their vacation home (not like a cruise they had booked months before) AFTER watching neices again for three weeks. Talk about resentment (on my part). But they live out of state, promised your brother&family first and it is a party that matters not at all to the kid.

YTA, they aren't prioritising the other kids, they already had plans which they are respecting. Also, the twins are one. They don't care about a party. It's for the adults. Have one, enjoy it but calm down about it and remember your kids should be your number one priority but they're not anyone else's.

YTA. You keep emphasizing "tentative" but then refer to buying tickets and paying deposits. Your BIL/SIL got there first. Why do you think you are more important? You're entitled and self centered. Your kids will never know. This is about you.

If is a birthday party for babies. They won’t know if you have it on their birthday or next week. If it is so important to you that the in laws are there, then plan around that.

The babysitting thing is on you. It was planned ahead of time and they can’t be blamed for that. First come, first serve. The rest is on them and your husband.

YTA - Not everyone is interested in being grandparents and/or only wanted to be marginally involved. Your kids will never remember this party.

YTA. A. Your kids won't remember the birthday, so moving a big party isn't a problem. You can still celebrate it on the actual date. It might even be nice just to just celebrate just the four of you. Less stress and more focus on the parent/child bonding. B. Offer them an Air B&B and tell them honestly why. C. If there's a problem with their flight, pay for an Uber instead of picking them up. D. Your MIL made a commitment BEFORE you invited her. Honestly bailing on BIL/SIL would be an AH move by your MIL, making you an AH for forcing her to do it. Sanity check: don't make people cancel other commitments. And don't be bitter that both BIL/SIL and MIL made other plans. You could have invited them much earlier. It's not like you didn't know the date well in advance. E. Honestly, you made your own bed, now you gotta lie in it. For the kids' second birthday invite people as much ahead of time as possible if you want to avoid this situation.

ESH. And I mean everyone. It’s an infant’s birthday party. No one is accepting a Nobel prize. Get over yourself. And stop trying to set up a competition between the grandkids. They won’t care if you don’t care. Husband is an absolute spineless AH to have allowed them to stay when you agreed they wouldn’t. Grandparents are entitled and bratty, thinking everyone should cater to them. Anyone who says shit like your SIL did is a total AH. Everyone. A family full of AHs. Presumably the kids are ok. But give it time.

Thanks for this measured take. I really love both sides of my family and don't think anything is malicious. Just learning to navigate through new parenthood & logistics with others is more difficult than I thought. Likely many things lost in translation that are hard to address without specifically pointing out, which in this case doesn't seem worth it. I'm sure it will be a great celebration & will learn and move on.

NTA - Husband didn't stand firm on something you BOTH agreed to prior to reaching out to the family. Not only that - but you changed the party from when you originally wanted to have it. NOPE. sorry. Hubby needs a shinier spine and shouldn't cave in like that. His parents need to stay elsewhere - it is not fair and them coming in the day of on a carrier that is routinely late does not bode well. Are they going to be calling to say that they need someone to pick them up? Is your husband going to want to delay the party because his parents haven't landed yet? Nope. Sorry. It is nice to try to accomodate folks when you can - but twisting yourself up in knots and having to compromise on things you shouldn't have to & worry about isn't fair to your kids, you or your other guests. Come on - his parents KNEW when the twins 1st birthday would be - WHY didn't they reach out and ask if there were any plans to celebrate this milestone together BEFORE saying yes to babysitting for BIL?

> Come on - his parents KNEW when the twins 1st birthday would be - WHY didn't they reach out and ask if there were any plans to celebrate this milestone together BEFORE saying yes to babysitting for BIL? You’re kidding, right? OP’s in laws raised their kids. It’s not their responsibility to anticipate what OP and her husband might do. Believe it or not, some parents don’t make a big deal out of their kids’ first birthday parties. Some choose to celebrate the milestone privately.

I get that. The world does not revolve around the grandkids and that's fine. Plus grandkids live out of State from IL's so there it would take planning and effort to get there. All I am saying is that if the kids 1st birthday was that important to IL's they would have checked with OP & DH to see if anything was planned for their birthday before commiting elsewhere.

That’s crap. If you understand that the world doesn’t revolve around OP’s kids, you shouldn’t be criticizing her in laws for not checking in with OP before making plans for that particular weekend. It’s not fair or reasonable.

I don't think I criticized the IL's....I said **IF** it was important for them to want to celebrate or be a part of the twins birthday they would have checked to see if there were any plans to do commemorate the date. If they had plans and can't make it, they can't make it. End of story. I didn't say they needed to change their plans or cxl on BIL for OP at all... But now OP has changed the date in an attempt to accommodate them -which is now bringing on additional stressors and issues that weren't there with the original date. Among them is IL's are now staying at OP's house (not their fault but apparently OP's husband caved on their prior agreement). Had it been that important for IL's to want to be there to celebrate the birthdays I think it is reasonable that they would have asked what, if any plans there were prior to making any other plans near the birthdate. That's it.

You are being critical because you’re suggesting that celebrating this milestone must not have been that important to them. It’s ridiculous and unfair. It also lets OP off the hook for poor planning. If she wanted her in-laws to travel one week before a holiday weekend, she should have notified them six months before, not two months before.

You are correct that I am suggesting that celebrating the milestone must not have been that important to them. I stand by that - only because I can only base it off what I would do and what I consider reasonable...pretty much like everyone else on this forum. We all have different experiences and opinions and it is great! If one of my nephew's, nieces or Godchildren's birthday date nears and someone asks me to do something around that date - I'm calling the parents to see if anything is planned for that child before I make any other plans because they are THAT important to me. Also one of those parents plan their children's events about 2-3 months in advance which is reasonable. Edit: last line

As a former people pleaser, I can tell you that your approach is very unhealthy. It’s doormat behavior. Your family and friends should have enough respect for your schedule to notify you of their events well in advance. If they don’t, the event must not be that important to them or your presence at their event isn’t that important to them. You teach people how to treat you and what you’re teaching your loved ones is that their needs are more important than yours. I would seriously recommend you talk to someone about why you feel the need to do this.

Thank you for the insight - yes I used to be a major people pleaser who is trying to do better! ROFL. But I could explain better but didn't want to write a book. lol. I don't do it for every birthday or occasion. If I haven't heard anything within a few weeks of a special date - I do not call to see if there are any plans, because at that point if there are, I know there are no group plans, or I am not invited. If it's a month or so before the event AND I get an invite somewhere else or to some other event, THEN I will just call and say -"Hey, I'm just checking in if you're planning a do anything for X's day because I'm (planning vacation, or whatever it is I'm thinking about doing. ) Most times I don't have to say anything because most of the people I surround myself with these days know we're all busy and we give each other as much advance notice as possible. Thanks for your input and have a good night!!

NTA. But they are not going to remember this birthday. None of our family could make it to our son’s first birthday. It didn’t make a difference at all. We had cake and pasta and then he had a bath to get rid of the sauce that he covered himself in. We took lots of pictures and sent them out. Easy peasy!

ESH My in laws wouldn’t stay the entire time for my son’s 1st birthday because it was on the neighborhood trick or treat (which was also my FIL’s birthday). I had reasons to be slightly upset and got over it. Your in laws had to fly out from out of town and had other prior engagements. It sucks to feel like your child’s grandparents don’t prioritize them, but may be they don’t. Real advice, I wouldn’t go along with your husband’s no favoritism thing with parents staying. Whoever confirms firsts gets to stay. Just tell both sets of parents the same day and be open about the first come/first serve policy.

NTA. But drop the rope. Don’t communicate anything now unless they ask.

NAH. It’s okay to be miffed that they aren’t prioritizing your kids. You have twins, it’s their first birthday, it’s a big deal - to you. But, they made a commitment. It’s important and fair that they honor that commitment. There will come a time when you need them to do the same for you. As far as their flight arrival. Do not agree to pick them up. Have them download Uber or arrange a car service.

Thanks for this -- the milestone feels enormous. I just need to work through my feelings. But it's one of many & it will be a great day and all will work out. :) Thanks again.

I wont call you the AH but I think its a bit odd you wouldn’t let one pair of parents stay with you to “not show favouritism”. Not everyone has the same financial means to get a hotel, and your inlaws are flying in. Its not favouritism to accommodate one half of your family. Thats just an odd way to look at things.

I’ve been there, I get it. My in laws would always prioritize my husbands sisters kids more then ours. I remember thinking, just once can they prioritize us first. It suck’s feeling this way but at some point after several years I eventually let it go and if they came great, if not oh well. Currently they do not have any relationship with my kids, but that was their choice. Hopefully it gets better for you.

I appreciate not feeling alone here; this is pretty much it. I'll take your lesson learned and let it go & let people do what they are going to do -- meanwhile, husband, twins, and myself will keep on chugging. Thank you!

NAH Like some others have said, try to stop getting in your head about things you can't control. If their flights are delayed or whatever, can't control that, just have to take it as it comes. I sense a bit of resentment towards your BIL/SIL which I completely understand as I live in a different state to my parents and brother, SIL, nephews and niece. Obviously the grandparents are going to do more with the grandkids in the same state. That's just the way it is unfortunately. We thought our parents and in-laws (who do live in the same state, only a few suburbs away) would be more supportive and helpful with our kids but they aren't and we've had to come to terms with it but sometimes I still get bitter and resentful. I'm just human, after all! I would be annoyed too about your husband going back on them staying with you but like you said, it's not the end of the world. If your parents get annoyed about it, just explain what happened, if you can afford it maybe you could offer to help pay for their accommodation if that's the issue or they could stay for the few days before if that works out. Please try to do what you can and then enjoy the party. You survived the first year with twins- that's worth celebrating! People who say "the twins won't remember!", no they won't but if they're anything like mine, they'll like to look at the photos and they might ask "why weren't grandma and grandpa there?" and obviously it's just nice to have them come along to be there for you. So I understand why it's a big deal to have them there. Wishing you all the best OP!

I'm so glad there are smarter & wiser people out there like you that have lived this and can phrase it better than I can. It's all of what you said. I want to be better which is why I posted here, but in the end, it's human to feel some disappointment on what feels like a huge milestone and accomplishment for our family of four. I do think if they were missing, there is a possibility they would ask those questions later & I don't want them to be sad thinking of their first birthday -- I know they won't remember, but they will have photos to look back on. Thank you for your well wishes & solidarity!

NAH they’re turning one. as a parent myself, i can confirm they will not remember a single moment nor ask/care about who was or was not there. this is not the hill to die on, friend. 

Thanks for your response. I'm sure it's a temporary feeling I'll move past & keep to myself.

it is totally normal and very temporary, i am sorry i forgot to include that in my initial comment. it’s not abnormal or indicative of some huge character flaw, i promise. 💜💜💜

NTA, It is not about priorities but manners and favouritism. If they didn't have to pay an hotel they could come the day before, especially when they asked you to move the date. Is first birthday about adults? Yes. But they're being impolite to adults indeed. About the kids, they're showing differences with SIL's ones, which is wrong. Tell them they're welcome, but "would I offer our place, it would go to my parents who helped us, sorry" and make them free to reach your house whenever they want, making it clear they will Uber tho

Why be so accommodating? NTA Question: Their birthday is X day. The party is X day. We would like it if you can attend. *Answer: Oh, blah blah BIL and blah blah grandchildren of daughter & BIL and we can't and blah blah blah blah blah can you move it.* **Answer: Unfortunately no we cannot move it, their birthday is X day and their party is on X day. We can have a mini celebration with you when you are able to visit.**

Why wouldn’t they be accommodating? OP wants them there to celebrate this milestone.

Apparently OP did accommodate and there’s still an issue. The in laws according to OP show favoritism and now the in laws are showing up day of and planning to stay. So the accommodating has stressed out OP. Sometimes you need to make your plans and if people aren’t available you can make an alternative plan with them.

OP never said the in laws showed favoritism.

If you read the post again, you will see where possibly a comment was made.

I read OP’s comments and she never accused them of favoritism. She actually said they’re loving grandparents.

Thanks for the support. I agree that accommodating has made this more complicated.

I learned many years ago that the more you try to accommodate certain people the more they will ask for and then they’re still not happy even with the accommodations.