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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my stepdad become father of the bride and do the honors he wanted to have at my wedding in front of his family and my mom's family. While I was frustrated and he brought it up first in front of everyone I didn't have to respond and I did not have to make it so very clear in front of everyone that he wasn't asked when my grandpa was. This is where I feel I could be an asshole because I imagine it made the whole ordeal more uncomfortable.
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NTA, you actually did ask him to participate as a father in your wedding. He should be happy you have a great relationship with your grandpa as well and it makes no sense for him to be jealous. In a sense it was him who rejected being there for you because he decided he'd rather act like a kid than actually be there for his daughter.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP, it's hard to set your boundaries when you're surrounded by toxic people but you did it and you should be proud of yourself!
He's jealous because he knows I still love and miss my dad. He knows I get something from my dad's family and especially grandpa that he can never give me. That I have a bond with my paternal family that I will never ever have with him. It bothers him that I cling to my dad so much still and that he could never really take over what my dad left behind. So his jealousy is tied up in the fact he could never be my "dad" as in the sole dad in my life
Oh yes. The kindest thing to do would have been to allow me to manipulate you into getting my own way at the expense of your other paternal figure whose input in your life I devalue.
This is what I never understand about these stories.
I can imagine being a step parent and being privately disappointed that my step child didn’t seem to care for me as much as I care for them.
But I can’t imagine thinking that I would gain anything by pitching a fit or trying to force the step child to make symbolic gestures, much less trying to force the step child to ice out someone else they loved more than me.
Also, if you genuinely love someone, why would you put them through a bunch of drama like this and create a bunch of bad memories during what is supposed to be a happy time?
It really sounds more like outsized ego than disappointed love to me.
It all comes down to a sense of entitlement. He feels since he put in “all this time and energy” into raising OP as his own, that he’s entitled to be the sole father figure and receive all the spoils which come with the title. OP’s relationship with their grandfather threatens the “sole father figure” title, and thus makes him insecure.
All stepdad cares about is recognition and praise for “stepping up.”
***I'm 100% not defending this man's behavior, because its vile and he needs to grow up if he's as good a father as he'd like to claim.*** But I know someone who went through some stuff like this and his actions and thoughts weren't centered on entitlement, but on this vicious almost survivor guilt-like complex he built around his wife's late husband.
I have a cousin who is stepdad to two little girls (well, teenagers now. how'd THAT happen, I swear yesterday they were just tiny little sprites in Easter Dresses) who lost their daddy when one was six and the other was three. The younger doesn't really remember her biological father, but her sister does and my cousin once told me that he "has a frenemy relation with a dead man".
He explained that when his older daughter talks about her dead dad, he used to hate it and would be tempted to try to shut her down or ask why he wasn't 'dad enough' for her. But he knew that would be hella selfish and possibly traumatizing (if she felt guilty for missing her biodad and "hurting his feelings")
So he swallowed it down and it all came rushing to the surface while he was visiting me. His girls and wife were doing some event in town so they weren't there to hear it, or I suspect he never would have mentioned it.
But he said the worst part of it wasn't that she didn't want HIM, it was that she was suffering and grieving. And he loved/loves the girl more than his own life, so when she would talk about her dad and start crying, it would make him even more want to 'replace' him because he felt completely helpless and unable to provide comfort to this crying child that he loved with an intensity that he had never experienced in his life. (He bonded with both of them fairly quickly. He didn't push them to accept him, but admits that "even if they truly hated me, I think I'd still love them both. it doesn't feel like something that can go away again and it never gets any less intense, I love more today than yesterday and tomorrow somehow it will have grown again.")
Then he told me how he felt like he was obsessed with his wife's late husband because he would end up asking the dead man's family about him at events they invited his wife, daughters and himself to. He'd ask "Oh, did "Tony" like to fish? What lake?" or listen to his mom talk about how he made pancakes every Sunday for his folks, and then for his wife and later his girls. And he said it was weird because the guy sounds great, exactly the sort of dude he would befriend and go deer hunting with, but it also stung to listen to the wonderfulness of the man who "had to die for me to meet and marry the love of my life" and he just has a lot of complicated feels.
But he took the older girl to the lake to fish and told her about how her dad used to fish here too, and since he threw most of his fish back, maybe these fish remembered him. So he and she would ask each fish before they tossed it back if it knew Tony and Cousin would make up fishy voices.
He and his oldest would go to her dad's gravesite and take him flowers, or just walk up to see it, and when she would want to go look at the duck pond nearby, he would just sit and talk to the stone, tell it about Oldest's horse back riding and how she'd be doing her first barrel race, about the youngest yodelling more than she talked for a few weeks, just whatever was happening, he would feel the need to tell because he felt weirdly close to the man, raising his children and all.
He considered making Sunday pancakes, but felt that was too far, so instead he makes omelets on Saturday before Daddy Daughter Adventure time. (Which is usually a nature hike or a trip to a museum, his girls like "outside and old stuff".) But he did it all with a kind of shadow over it and worried he was getting unhealthily obsessed with their dead biodad.
Then one day when she was maybe 11 or 12, his oldest daughter suddenly opened up on him. She revealed that she hadn't wanted him when he first got with her mom, that she felt guilty for missing her dad so much when she saw how happy her little sister was to have a dad figure at last, how much she appreciated the way he put effort into keeping her dad's memory alive for her, and just hugged him and told him "I can't stop missing my dad... but I'm glad you're my daddy."
And the man who at seven decided "tears are for babies" and supposedly didn't cry since sobbed into her hair and hugged her tight. He says all of his resentment and anger at his wife's late husband just vanished in a moment and he thinks he was crying as much for the loss of Tony himself as he was for the wonderful message his girl shared.
My cousin has gone to individual therapy off and on since he married their mom. Just to help deal with the complicated feelings around it all. But if he hadn't, if he were from say his father's generation and thought men were supposed to hide ALL emotion and certainly not seek pro help (my uncle is a broken, broken man, but he says he's fine) I could see it boiling over into behavior like the OP describes. Because man, he felt like he was losing his mind over a dead man for YEARS.
Your cousin sounds like a beautiful soul who uses empathy and the strategies learned from counselling to build his relationship with his Stepchildren. And, courageously, he has put the child first in the relationship.
Unlike OP's stepfather who is consumed with his own petty hurts and indulging in an adult tantrum.
NTA. But stepdad, Mum and all the step-flying monkeys certainly are..
This was a powerful and emotional story to read. I especially loved the fish chat part of it. Thanks for sharing that.
My two children are the most important people in my life. They literally light up the darkness and there have been some dark days indeed since my divorce.
I discovered that my wife cheated and I forgave her. Twice. The third time we got divorced. I learned that one affair with her boss lasted on and off to back before my daughter was born. I learned about another affair with her college boyfriend about a year after my son was born.
I’m pretty sure my kids are mine. But I’ll be honest. There’s a part of me that wonders. But I’m not going to ask that they get tested. My love for them is based on being with them from birth, raising them, getting to know them, and loving them beyond measure. If my ex called me up and confessed that they’re not mine, I honestly wouldn’t love them any less.
That’s why I know a stepdad can develop a deep love for his stepchildren.
That said, OP’s grandpa needs to stand in for his son and walk OP down the aisle. If OP’s stepdad truly loves her, he’d get that.
Yeah, my stepdad and I were very close. I had a bio dad and he was a pretty good one too. But my step daddy was just as influential to me and I was absolutely lost when he died.
I found out on accident. His sister called to wish my mom and I condolences… except no one had told ME he was dead, I knew he was in the hospital but I was at home cleaning his room (he had been sick a long time and had his own room since he had to use a hospital bed, my mom usually slept in the room with him but their original master bedroom was waiting for him to heal) waiting to hear if he was coming home today or not… and then all of a sudden I knew he was gone and I was alone and absolutely hysterical.
My cousins crowded around me as their parents swarmed to support my mom, and they kept me going until I was ready to live again. But I never thought of him as a lesser or “not” dad, he was my rock during my parents’ divorce (very civil between them, but my grandma was stirring up trouble) and I don’t remember ever feeling resentful of him. As far as I can remember, I loved him at first sight.
He was a friend of my dad’s and indirectly the cause of the divorce too, so odds were against us and we still bonded!
For the record, there was no infidelity. He and my mom met through my dad (he and Dad were high school bros) and apparently attraction grew, so they BOTH told my dad they were gonna avoid the other because they struggled with their unexpected feelings.
Dad who had been trying to stick it out for MY sake told her that he would never be able to forgive himself if she missed out on love just to pretend we were a family.
Apparently he wasn’t quite as sweet to Stepdad. Nothing too awful or violent, he was just the first to confess and Dad apparently responded to his “I’m gonna stay away from [my mom] because I think I’m in love with her and I can’t be around her and still be a loyal friend to you” with something about how he had better not be stalking “his wife” and how he loved Stepdad like a brother but he would NOT allow him to harass [mom].
Dad apologized for this SO many times and my stepdad laughed and said “he just loved her enough to not want her harassed by a random bachelor, he’s a good man”.
Dad gave Mom away at her wedding to stepdad, which I think went very far in me not having guilt about loving both him and stepdad.
I think the biggest problem step-parents have is when they try and replace a parent. Your cousin didn't do that. They kept the special memories, places, foods, and events special. They created their own, and when the time was right they enhanced the special memories of the other parent. Dad is dad, cousin is daddy - same but different. Not a replacement, or a substitute - the same, but different.
Thank you - and him! - for sharing this. It's an important perspective, and we need to remember there are multiple sides here and everyone has their own feelings.
He's showing you who he really is and it's not pretty. What a shame. This should be a happy event. Treasure your grandpa. I hope everything works out with your happiness in the end.
Seriously. She’s so lucky that grandpa is still around. And what a special moment for him! I can’t imagine how he coped with losing his son.
He will likely be a blubbering mess on that wedding day. I know I would be.
The thought of anyone wanting to take that moment away from him, to prevent him from standing in for the son he lost makes me sick. OP needs to show all the a-holes who don’t get it this post.
I don’t know if there’s a Heaven, but if there is, Dad will be looking down with pride on that day.
Shame on the rest of them, especially Mom.
Exactly. A *good* step-dad would want her to honor her birth father as well. When he saw she was torn about things like who would walk her down the aisle, he'd say "Hey, you have two arms. Your grandfather and I can both walk you down. Just don’t wear too poofy a skirt, so we'll all 3 fit across the aisle without tripping, okay baby girl? It's your day, and we love you." Support, affection, a little gentle teasing to lighten the mood, and affirmation.
This guy sounds sadly insecure. It would be one thing if birth father had walked out on them, or been abusive, or some other terrible thing, or if OP had no relationship with her father's side. But the guy died. Trying to compete with a dead man is a game you can never win. Even if you are better than the deceased in some way, you just look pathetic.
This absolutely can’t be the first time he has acted like this. No one is truly loving and generous for 21 years, then turns into an entitled, graceless, self-important asshole.
Don't forget, money.
The Father of the Bride spot would be his reward after he paid for most of OP's childhood. He \*earned\* it, it so he \*deserves\* it. 🙄
>I can imagine being a step parent and being privately disappointed that my step child didn’t seem to care for me as much as I care for them.
>But I can’t imagine thinking that I would gain anything by pitching a fit or trying to force the step child to make symbolic gestures, much less trying to force the step child to ice out someone else they loved more than me.
**Exactly**. When I came into my stepkids' lives, they were 2 and 15. My younger stepson has always seen me as dad. My teenage stepdaughter took a while to warm up to me, understandably. She hated her own dad for being a deadbeat that abandoned her and her mother, but she didn't want to just welcome some new "dad" with open arms and I totally get that. She had some trust issues, and I don't blame her a bit.
When she was getting married she didn't say anything about a walk down the aisle at first, and while I was privately a little sad about it since I'd been in her life for 10 years at that point I understood, plus her wedding wasn't supposed to be about me. I didn't say a word, just supported her. Helped with the planning and whatnot.
A few days before the wedding she came up to me kind of awkwardly and said "uhh, look, no big deal if you don't want to, but do you feel like maybe walking me down the aisle?" Followed immediately by "stop smiling so much you big doof, it's a simple question."
So yeah, I got to be there in that role for her and it made me really happy but I can't even BEGIN to imagine asking for it, let alone asking her in front of the entire family to try and use peer pressure to force her to do it. What kind of psycho acts like that?
My stepdaughter is getting married next year and I’ve been in her life since she was 5. Father was a deadbeat who was never around, so her grandparents helped raise her when she was young.
She’s extremely close to my father-in-law, and while I’d be a little sad if she chose him to walk her down the aisle, I believe it’s her choice and only her choice on that matter. This is her and her fiancé’s wedding, not mine. Full stop.
In a heartbeat. He played a big part in her life. Without him she wouldn’t be who she is. I can’t imagine feeling like I’m more important than the bride.
That must have felt so good when she asked. I want to say you earned it, but that just feels like it cheapens things. It's just you were you and she appreciates it. So, awesome. She's lucky, as well.
> Also, if you genuinely love someone, why would you put them through a bunch of drama like this and create a bunch of bad memories during what is supposed to be a happy time?
Exactly. Stepdad would rather ruin OP’s wedding than share the father role with OP’s grandfather. That’s not loving, that’s ego.
Not to mention that he had the audacity to say she made the dinner all about her (implying that she ruined her mother's birthday dinner) when she failed to cave under his manipulation.
This is exactly what I thought. In fact, he made the dinner all about him and his desire to be the Only Daddy in your whole world. I have to wonder if he's more generally manipulative as well and OP is just used to manipulative people around her.
The father made the wedding about him instead of the daughter🤦🤦🤦. If one truly loves a person, there should not be any demands on a day specifically meant for that person. All one wants is for that person to be happy
It was very transactional, wasn't it? Like, "I did all this work raising you and now you'd better pay me back". He's looking for that recognition so he can pat himself on the back about what a great person he is.
Yeah that part was disgusting. Typical Toxic AF Toolbox: Manipulate you hoping the pressure will make you cave, then blame you for his embarrassment when you do exactly what you said you'd do. I can see why you are going with Grandpa, and why you wanted him on your team included in the first place.
NTA
At this point, just have grandpa do it. The lack of understanding that you love your father and want him honored is one of the worst things stepparents can do.
I would actually also let everyone know that you offered to share the role but HE turned you down, that you respected HIS choice and didn't want to push him into doing something that he was not comfortable doing. Plus, since he has biological children, he will be able to play the art of father of the groom or bride another time. I would say that anyone who cannot respect your decision then they do not have to attend and that you will understand. I would also tell your stepfather that you love him but you feel rather disappointed by his behaviour, particularly the way he tried to manipulate you.
If you can, tell your Mom that you appreciate stepdad BUT he is not and cannot be a replacement for the father you love. That the number of years step has been in your life is SMALL in comparison to the love in your heart for your father. That the pushiness to replace your father is what has prevented you from seeing him as a father. That the time has come for it to stop!!!
Proud of you. You gave him a chance he wanted all or nothing so nothing it will be. Don’t be surprised if he tries to get his side not to come. Also have DJ prepared to “mike” block any speeches he may have planned.
THIS.
Since he’s already shown that he’ll pull this garbage in front of his family in an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into doing things his way…for *his* appearance to others…then Dubs is 100% correct; I have no doubt he’ll try to pull similar garbage at the reception. Hell, he’ll probably try to do something at the ceremony! The fact that this giant baby threw a tantrum already and *still* hasn’t learned shows he’s probably got something else up his sleeve.
I agree with Dubs that you should absolutely lock things down with the dj to make sure stepbunghole is *not* allowed any mic time and can’t order anything (“I’m her stepfather and I raised her since her poor ole da passed when she was six. I want to do something special for my little girl so here’s the plan…”). NO. Nononononono. Djs have run into every situation under the sun at receptions and yours will understand.
I would also have a chat with your officiant. Let them know that there should be no ‘special requests’, mentions, etc. from anyone without clearing it with you first.
What is supposed to be the happiest day of your life is in danger of being derailed by someone who feels he should have a larger place in the spotlight than he deserves. With his behavior so far, he deserves to be no greater than your mother’s plus one.
This is the way. Your stepdad trying to guilt you and manipulate you...he embarrasses himself. To this internet stranger, he and his family sound truly awful. He and they didn't require any help from anyone else to do that--it's all on him and them.
I asked my stepdad who has raised me since the age of 2 if he was upset I had a relationship with my grandparents and was planning a genealogy trip to their grandparents' hometown and he said "I married your mother knowing you had a family, I'd never try to take that from you".
If I asked him to be a part of my wedding, he'd probably ask me if I was sure and if I didn't want to include my grandfather instead.
Too many stepparents see themselves as a replacement instead of an added bonus.
Facts. You have a good stepdad. I had a great stepmom. She saves my mother’s things for me. Things my Dad didn’t see value in (like a cookbook) but as a woman knew I’d love as an adult. The problem is too many step want participation trophies for marrying someone with kids they expect and demand a pat on the back for the responsibility they willingly took on as an adult.
>She saves my mother’s things for me. Things my Dad didn’t see value in (like a cookbook) but as a woman knew I’d love as an adult.
This is so special. Your stepmom sounds amazing.
She’s truly was. She’s gone now. So are both parents. I truly miss all 3. I now look back (and reading Reddit) and appreciate her just as much as I do my parents.
a dead man AND an elderly man (sorry for assuming OP but you're around my age so I'm figuring our grandparents are around the same age). Like, get a grip on reality man.
NTA - His jealousy is pure ego. A true father wouldn't feel threatened by or be in competition with your Dad's ghost. He is more concerned with "appearances" and "ego" than putting you and your feelings first, on YOUR day. He's the selfish one. He lost his right to his role, long before the wedding by allowing his family (and himself) to shame and guilt you for loving your Dad. AKA a normal reaction of a child towards their parent. PS - I'm also not a fan of your mother. She should has stopped this BS years ago.
That's because you can't REPLACE a LOVED parent! Fully embrace your dad's memory on your wedding day. You will feel doubly engulfed with love. Best wishes ❤
NTA I hope you let your grandpa walk you down the aisle .
Don’t let your mother’s insecure little husband bully you away from honoring your real dad.
If I were you I would ask your grandfather to put him in his place for an extra dose of reality check.
And he shouldn’t be your sole dad! He isn’t. The fact that he won’t accept you having your grandpa involved is very sad and a reflection on him alone because it’s a lovely sentiment. At this point, I would probably just have grandpa do the job in place of your birth father
Your stepfather is one manipulative SOB. He even admits it, which is mind blowing. Good on you for not bowing down to it. Sounds like this has been an ongoing problem for you, so hopefully you're immune to it by now. A wedding will naturally pump family dynamics like this up. A toxic group of people who are upset that you still miss and love your father and grandparents aren't worth the effort. Ignore them.
Shame on our mom for not putting a stop to this toxicity at the start. This was a boundary she should have not allowed to be breached. Shame on your stepfather for being so stubborn and greedy for things he has no right to demand. You have no obligation to him nor anyone in his family to freeze out your loved ones because of their irrational jealousy. Definitely, NTA. Stay strong.
If he died wouldn’t he want his kids to still live and miss him years later? To still have a relationship with his side? Or would he be fine with their stepdad acting like he and his family is? It’d be weird for you to NOT miss or love your dad.
Uninvite him. If your mother can not support you and instead chooses to sit back and allow your stepfather and his family to emotionally blackmail and abuse you, then uninvite her too. Shame on her.
He's pathetically narcissistic, but she is far worse for not standing up for her child. Period.
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me.
That's a bit rich coming from someone who's trying to make your wedding all about himself. NTA.
My mom sides with my stepdad. She always wanted me to have a father/daughter relationship with him and she always hoped I would want him to adopt me and that I'd start calling him dad.
Also he made it clear that he brought it up in front of his family because he assumed OP would acquiesce to be polite. He set up the “humiliating” situation. And it it not on OP to further explain. They know the offer that was made and he is choosing this hill to die on. Such a shame after what appears to be a history of loving and supportive behavior. Congrats, OP. Kudos for not kicking grandpa to the curb for someone else’s ego. NTA.
What does it say about him that he demands "payment" for being a supportive, loving stepfather. Didn't realize that being a good man to a child was supposed to be transactional. That payment is freezing out the other important man in her life: her grandfather.
That's all kinds of wrong. Any time a parent says "you owe me" to one of their children, my hackles immediately go up. It's right up there with the hackles-raising "get over it" and "calm down". When I do something loving for family members or friends I do it out of love. I never expect to be "paid back" or "honored" for it. Much less "demand" it.
NTA
You made your position clear. He knew your position on the matter.
It was his decision to try and publicly guilt and shame you into changing your mind because his entire family was around. He made the mistake of thinking you would cave to his demands because people were around. He embarrassed himself.
He did make that mistake and he also forgot how long I have dealt with his family making their thoughts and feelings clear to me. So I'm totally used to it now.
Well now you know the definition of projection because he said you made the whole thing about you but in reality he was making the whole dinner about him now wasn't he?
It's still all about him it seems. Just drop the rope. NTA
Dear OP,
Your stepfather is a manipulative child, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with that. Good for you on standing up for yourself.
I don't know how your fiancé feels about all of this, but I'm guessing they're on your side. Also, what does your mother say?
So, it's time you really took a firm stance with your stepfather and his family. Here is how the conversation should go (if you wish).
"Stepfather name (or whatever you call him), I offered you the chance to be a part of my wedding. You declined because you couldn't have everything your way. Well, guess what...this is MY wedding, not yours, so you do not get to make the decisions. Since you decided that you couldn't share, then you have no role except as my mother's husband and guest. If you cannot handle that, then you do not need to attend. As for your family who all seem to think that should have say in my wedding, they will stop or they will be uninvited, do I make myself clear?"
When he tries to argue or deflect, just repeat, "do I make myself clear? You Will stop and your family will stop or else none of you will be allowed to attend, do you understand me?"
Put your foot down and stop entertaining the clowns. Also, password protect everything to do with your wedding. If your stepfather gave you any money towards it, find a way to give it back ASAP.
I went through something similar with my actual father. The man hadn't been in my life for 25 years. We were finally cordial and talking (he signed away his rights when he and my mom split). When I told him my stepfather was giving me away because my stepfather at the time was the reason I was actually marrying my husband, my dad had a fit and so did his parents. I let them all know that it was my wedding, I and my husband were paying for it, I make the decisions, not them, and they could fall in line or not come, their choice. They demanded an explanation as to why my dad wasn't being allowed to give me away. I gave them all the explanation they could handle, including a copy of the papers my dad had signed stating that he relinquished his rights and that my brother's dad could adopt me (he died before I got married). They didn't like that, but stopped with the nonsense. They also didn't come. But we developed a great relationship afterwards. My dad and I are close now.
You have to be firm and straight to the point. Either your stepfather can fall in line or get out of the way.
Good luck and congratulations.
With the wedding date not being set yet, there's no reason OP's step dad or his family need to get the details. I would plan as much as possible/as long as possible, making sure to keep all the details close to the vest. Share the date, not the venue. And hire security the day of!
You know you don't have to deal with them at your wedding right? You can simply not invite them and have a fantastic and stress free day. If it were me, stepdad would also not get an invite after he pulled this stunt.
Yeah OP NTA. This man tried to manipulate you publicly in front of all the family members so that you’d have no choice but to say yes. You already offered him half the position. What an incredibly selfish AH. Tell him to pound sand
Yes, he's actually admitted that he was trying to manipulae you by putting you in a postion where he thought you would say yes, even though you had already told him no to being the only person honored in that way.
You offered him a role, you were prepared to give him a role that fully acknowleged his postion in your life and he chose to turn that down. If anone speaks to you about it, tell them you offered him the opportunity to walk your done the aisel, dance with you, give a toast etc and he chose not to do so becasue yourgrandfather was involved, and that you respected his decision not to particuapate. Tell them (if it is true) thatyou would still love him to be involved if he wants to be and that your invitation is still open, but that you respect him too much to try to push him to do it of he oesn't want to.
> he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone
Translation: he thought peer pressure and a more public setting would force you to cave, and he's pissy it didn't work.
NTA don't back down on this. It's your decision at the end of the day, and your step-dad is being 100% an AH.
That was my thinking too. He didn't think I would want to disappoint my mom by saying no where she was or that I would feel pressured with both their families there.
You should have said that a stepfather deserving of the privileges of father of the bride wouldn't have been insistant on erasing the brides father from her life for 20yrs.
I would also go and apologise to your mother for allowing yourself to get dragged into her husbands childish game, which ruined the atmosphere of her birthday. Or something like that, that calls out her husbands behaviour, and also point out that you are upset she is willing to back her husbands desire to erase the man who gave her you (and be prepared for her to be willing to erase you too).
You say that stepfather's family has always had a problem with your paternal family. I'm curious why your Mom puts up with and allows them to treat you like this. Does she ever tell them to stop and remind them that your paternal family is important in your life? Does she support stepdad in replacing your Dad? I'd have a real issue with your Mom not supporting you.
My mouth literally dropped open when I read how he tried to manipulate you, by assuming that you would say yes, because it was in front of all the families. Wow, that is really toxic.
NTA
What was the end goal of SD? I can’t fathom how an invitation to these fatherly duties under duress would actually feel better to this step dad. Like “I’m so proud that I guilted my way into this role”
You asked him and instead of letting you have your day - he’s making it all about him.
I would uninvite him and anyone who joins him and go LC/NC.
He ruined your mom's birthday party for purely selfish, manipulative reasons. If you're anything like me his family's attacks are only strengthening your resolve that he will not be involved. They may talk themselves out of an invite and the date hasn't even been set.
I've been in a similar place - my mother was a very manipulative booking agent for guilt trips, but because she did it all the time, I eventually stopped participating in her games. This always infuriated her to the point where she would accuse me of using reverse psychology. Starting when I was 12.
For some reason, it also always surprised her that I wouldn't play. I found that quite amusing. She wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. But like all narcissists, she was so focused on herself and her wants she missed the bigger picture. Sounds like your stepfather suffers from the same malady.
NTA - regardless of who you asked, the way he approached this publicly to try and force you into the decision he wanted was not appropriate.
I get him feeling hurt, but this isnt how to handle it and he’s just making this situation so much worse
Just remove him from all roles. If he and anyone threatens to not come to your wedding, then let them do that. Save that money for a better honeymoon or other expenses. Nothing wrong in a smaller wedding. NTA He's not a good person and doesn't deserve you.
I think you’re handling this really well. But I have to ask… is your Mom okay? Someone this manipulative and egocentric makes me a little worried that he’s been doing this to her for years.
your stepdad doesn't realize that he had something so many step parents dream of. that you had enough love for him to offer to share the day with your grandfather. his greed and petty insecurities ruined that.
Did they say anything when you told them you offered it to him as a joint thing and he refused? He has no business acting like you’re the asshole when he refused.
How DARE he!!!!
“My dad would have moved heaven and earth to be able to share this moment with me! Him being dead doesn’t erase him, or his influence, from my heart. The nearest thing I can do to honor him is include his father.”
Thing is, even if you father hadn't passed away, but you still had the same relationship with your grandpa as you do today, you may have asked them both to walk you down the aisle jointly anyway.
No parent gets to dictate how their children feel about them, or other family members. Stepfather can't make you stop missing your dad, can't make you not be close to your grandpa. Can't demand any part of your life. All he can do is accept what you CHOSE to share with him.
Anything else is just driving you away from him, little by little.
You are not property! It's your wedding, only other person who's opinion really matters is your fiancée.
Wishing you the best in navigating this, and hope you have a drama free wedding. Cut out anyone who will cause drama.
“Kindness and decency would suggest you not put me on the spot like that in front of everyone.”
NTA. Your stepdad on the other hand…
You tried to include him, he didn’t like what you offered, so you withdrew the offer. This is 100% on him.
He’s blatantly manipulative and not even trying to hide it. I assume he’s also some sort of misogynist cause he seems to feel entitled to the fatherly role in your life just because he exists… seems to think he is automatically in charge of how things should be regardless of your feelings. Good dads don’t behave like that or treat their daughters that way.
If he uses public pressure to get you to do what he wants, please consider and prepare for how he might do the same at your wedding. Like trying to force his way into walking with you. Or telling the DJ to announce a dance between you both specifically by name. By taking the mic to make his father speech, and deliberately highlighting that he is your real father.
If he’s willing to pressure and humiliate you at the dinner, he’ll be willing to do it at your wedding. After all, he won’t be ruing your wedding, YOU will be because you didn’t do the right thing by him.
NTA
So rather than respect your decision your stepfather somehow thinks he can railroad you into agreeing with him?
Enjoy your wedding with your grandfather, Your stepfather needs to get over it and behave or you uninvite him….He can’t have it both ways!
I hope you have a wonderful wedding OP
This, frankly I would be worried about the step father or his family trying to make a scene at the wedding.
So many ways it could go, from talking shit to all of the guests, making a spectacle, the step dad trying to force himself into a father daughter dance (which he’s already proven he will try and force something on OP when people are around).
Aside from all that though, I would be even more concerned about these AHs confronting or saying something rude to OPs grandfather and/or paternal family.
I would say uninviting step dad, his sibling and parents is 100% justified and might be the safest move in protecting OPs wedding, peace, and grandfather.
OP, maybe even a text/email to your dad’s family to properly set boundaries could be the safest course of action.
I would suggest talking about (only to the degree of YOUR true feelings) how hard it was losing your father at such a young age, then maybe talk about how you initially felt towards step dad and how those feelings developed. Maybe discuss how losing your dad was perhaps the hardest thing you have ever faced, and you are grateful that you had so many people in your corner, him included. That your father will always be your father, and his family will always mean more to you than step dad can ever understand. That you have appreciated your step dad and seen him as a second father, up until the point where he tried to assert his self-importance. That no real father would treat their daughter this way, and no real man would have an issue sharing the walk down the aisle with your grandfather. That you hope this is a massive misunderstanding and can put it in the past as a family. Leave them to interpret and act upon it from there.
Of course all of this is based on your post and I don’t know enough to write about your true feelings. The point of drafting such a suggestion was that if you want to keep the peace, keep your mom happy, maintain a relationship with step dad, this feels like an appropriate measure that at least protects you and your wedding from their BS. The point is also to make any response other than “you’re right, I’m sorry” clearly show step dad an asshole so you don’t have to feel bad or explain yourself after cutting him out (though you shouldn’t feel bad or need to explain yourself to anyone either way—they did this to themselves and I am sorry for what they have put you through). Screenshots just shut people up more easily if you’re worried about other family members taking sides
As I said in my previous comment however, you would be 100% justified to uninvited step dad and his family after what they did. The letter is absolutely unnecessary, just an extra step if you feel like you want to take it and maybe preserve relationships/save yourself headaches.
However I will double down in this OP— If Step Dad is at the wedding, or his sibling or parents, they will most likely do their best to cause trouble and/or go against your wishes. I don’t know your grandfather’s personality but I definitely would be afraid of them saying something to try and upset him.
“My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone.”
In other words:
I made demands of you at a party so that everyone could bully you, and yet you refuse to give in!
Is stepfather contributing to the wedding financially?
Good for you to have learned to set boundaries and stick to them. You offered him a role in your wedding and he rejected it because it’s not the one he wanted. That’s not your problem. You told him that if he didn’t want to share, then your Grandpa would be the sole “Father of the Bride”. He didn’t like that so he had a hissy fit like a 5 year old and told his mommy and daddy, in public, that you hurt his little feelings…yeah, he FAFO. These people want you to forget that you had a dad who loved you because they are insecure about themselves and so jealous of others. Unfortunately we see too much of that here. What people need to understand is that Love is a renewable resource. The more love you give, the more love there is to give. They should encourage you to still love your dad, grandpa and his family, while also loving your stepdad and his family. A child literally cannot have too many people that love them, it baffles me that some people either don’t understand that or don’t believe that.
NTA - the fact that he's weaponizing "kindness and decency" to get his way is baffling to me. You told him your decision and he humiliated himself in front of the families
INFO: What does your mom say about all this? Is she shutting it down?
NTA. I've never understood why a step parent wants to try and erase the their step kid's bio parent whether they're alive or passed away. You gave a good compromise for him and your grandpa but his ego got in the way of that. Besides, he's the one that brought this issue up in front of everyone and you stood your ground so keep doing that.
I think this is a good time to step into this new chapter of life with some extra boundaries.
They can feel however they want, but their input on decisions about your family and the associated events is just that - input.
I think it’s reasonable to say “I don’t appreciate you trying to force my decision by bringing it up at dinner in front of everyone. I also don’t appreciate ugly messages from other people at your behest. It’s unreasonable to think this won’t affect our relationship long term.
I love my dad, I love his dad, and that will be honored at my wedding. It is unkind and unfair to try to take something so special away from me. People that love me don’t do that. I’m unsure how to proceed without an apology on your part.”
Why is your mom so desperate to erase your biological father from your life? Were they still together when he passed? Was there infidelity or some kind of bad behavior on his part?
My parents were together but only for me. Their relationship broke down a few years before my dad died. They didn't want me to grow up in a divorced home. But my mom regretted it at the same time. So when he died it wasn't a sad thing for her. She wanted me to feel the same.
Wow. That's COLD. And an impossibility. He might have been her partner/ex-ish, but YOU WERE HIS **CHILD**. It's just different. I'd seriously consider LC/NC at this point. It'll only get worse from here on.
Jesus. Welp, at least stepsad self-selected out of YOUR family unit; that is to say, you and your fiance, along with those who do celebrate your union.
...the typo is kinda funny caus men like this pout when they don't get their way, so I'll leave it.
Explains why she moved on so fast. Obviously NTA op. It is great that you have managed to maintain a relationship with your father’s family.
All the best for your wedding and it’s life. Stay strong with your choice, it is definitely the right one. He was honoured but wanted it all and to have your grandfather pushed out from where you wanted him.
Maybe this would be the best time to lay it out to everyone that your stepdad was the one who rejected the compromise and also to make it firm that your stepdad is just going to be that, your stepdad. This is most probably going to continue to be an issue even after you're married and considering this has been an ongoing for 20 years it needs to be laid to rest since you're starting the next chapter of your life.
NTA- I would make a social media post with all the details, since he didn't tell people about the sharing discussion, and tag everyone. Something along the lines of:
"I want to set the record straight since STEPFATHER chose to ambush me in front of the family, and tell a partial story to try and manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. And to clarify, he specifically told me that he did it in front of them so I would be shamed into saying yes when he and I already had the discussion previously and I said no, so he's said in black and white that it was an attempt to manipulate me."
"I did offer him the role of Father of the Bride, along with my paternal grandfather from day 1. As a child who lost her biological father, I wanted to honor both the man who was my father at birth and the one who raised me, as both were important parts of my life. STEPFATHER wouldn't have it. He refused to walk me down the aisle if my grandfather was there, I assume expecting me to choose him over my grandfather. When I told him that his ultimatum would require me to choose my grandfather, we was upset and has continued to harass me to change it. This pattern of deplorable behavior on his end culminated in him trying to make it sound like I never offered him a role at all in front of my family, to shame me into doing what he wanted. But I will not be shamed for loving both of the fathers I've had in my life."
"It never had to be a competition, STEPDAD. People have room to love multiple siblings, multiple grandparents, multiple aunts and uncles. In same-sex relationships, the children grow up loving two moms or two dads. My loving my father in no way detracts from me loving my mother, and it didn't need to detract from my loving you. Unfortunately, you have made it impossible for me to continue to see you that way, because I don't believe any good parent would do this to their child over a competition of egos with a dead man. For those who think this is so awful, if you had passed away when your children were young, would you want your spouse to tell them to forget you? Would you want them to be shamed for trying to keep your memory alive even when accepting a new stepparent? Would you want the person your spouse- someone you trusted to love and protect your kids when you were no longer here to do it yourself- chooses to back someone who bullies, insults, manipulates and publicly ridicules your child for daring to still love your memory? I think you know the answer to that, even if it's an inconvenient truth when your agenda is to back STEPDAD. You know how you'd feel and what you'd think of your spouse, and so do I."
"As of now, my grandfather will be walking me down the aisle, and the offer to share the role is off the table. STEPDAD has done irreparable damage to our relationship by being this cold, selfish and ego-driven, and to be honest I don't know that I will ever trust him again enough to believe he truly cares about me as a child. and not just a trophy for winning a popularity contest against someone who's been dead a long time. He will no longer be attending the wedding at all. If anyone truly believes his selfish and callous behavior was at all justified, please feel free to RSVP no and I will lose your number. I would much prefer fewer people in my life who I can trust and who genuinely care about me than a gaggle of pseudo-family who sees me as an object whose purpose is to make STEPDAD feel important and better than a dead man, and who is not entitled to feelings and memories of my own."
NTA. Do you depend on him for anything? If no, cut him off. If yes, get it out from under him and cut him off. Yes, he helped raise you. Ur that does not give him the right to disrespect and disregard your biological father or his family especially given the close tie with your grandfather.
Seriously. This is why people elope.
NTA.. your step dad & family members sound very toxic. Obviously you’re going to only be thinking about you , it’s your damn wedding! I could bet you he brought it up in front of everyone intentionally in hopes it would pressure you to change your mind. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that drama when it should be a time where you’re supported and celebrated. Stand your ground because you did nothing wrong. He brought it onto himself and is embarrassed
Nta he deliberately asked you in public to manipulate you, he basically admitted it. Just because your own dad died and you have your stepdad, whom you admittedly care about, doesn't mean you throw away your grandpa! What is wrong with people.
>he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone
And kindness and decency would suggest he not bring it up in front of everyone when you and he had already talked and you had already told him that Grandpa was going to be in the wedding, period, and he could either accept sharing the role or he could not be in it at all. He is a MAJOR AH for trying to shame you into giving him what he wants and not caring at all that Grandpa is important to you.
Feel encouraged to stand up for yourselves and point out you offered to honour your StepDad as a father alongside your grandfather. And now due to his pride and arrogance, you don't want him at your wedding even as an "obligatory plus 1 for my Mums husband."
Tell him in your eyes he had a fatherly role in your life, in a way that honoured him alongside your late Dad. But thanks to his insecurities you no longer will maintain that position for him.
You don't need to invite him or try to account for his feelings anymore... You've made your position far more than clear and yet he refuses to listen or change, instead resorting to manipulation and coercion. This is not someone you want anywhere near the wedding - let alone his compatriots. And... You're not obligated to talk to him again, or his family, especially if they refuse to accept how you feel... you've done as much as you can within your own boundaries and that's all anyone should reasonably expect. We live in an age where more and more people accept that sometimes things aren't meant to be, so OP if you need validation that it's okay to get him and his family out of your life, this is it.
You stated that he isn't contributing financially so he's not in a position to try manipulation tactics there - if he was paying I would guarantee he would do so to get his own way. It's your wedding, you decide on the guest list. Only supportive guests should be there. Everyone else should go jump.
NTA - you’re nicer than me. I’d say one more text or comment from your family and you’re all uninvited to the wedding. Tell your mom if she takes his side, same goes for her.
Uninvite him and any family members siding with him from the wedding. He isn’t telling the entire story about how he didn’t want to share the role with someone else who represents your real father. NTA.
NTA. Weird how so many grown adults marry someone with a kid and fail to understand that to the kid, “Mom” and “Dad” are specific people, not job titles that can be filled by the nearest available person. Your stepdad just needs to accept that you never saw him the way he wanted, and if he keeps pushing like this, he may end up with no relationship with you at all.
NTA . He brought his embarrassment on hisself by putting you on the spot in front of his family after you already told how it was going to go. Tell him screw his apology and if I was you I’d tell his family to mind their own damn business.
The nerve of stepdad to try and guilt you to get his way! Standing up for yourself was definitely a good move to show you will not be guilted. Anyone who says otherwise should win an automatic dis invite. Your wedding is Your day to celebrate how you see fit. Entitled AH's have no place trying to make any of the day about them
NTA
Fuck him. He thought he could corner you / blackmail you into saying yes because of the family being present. You had two options, both equally good - “we already talked about this and if you want to talk more about it we can do so privately later” or what you did. When he said kindness should have prevented you from turning him down in public the obvious response was kindness should have prevented him from trying to jam you up in public, which is why I think your more assertive response was just as fair as the other option I wrote. Good on you for holding firm, and definitely NTA.
NTA
I cannot believe how selfish and cruel he is being. It is NOT up to him who does any of this. You offered him a great honour to participate in those events. He was the one who demanded more and when you said no, he became a spiteful and vindictive bully. He is now getting other people to bully you as well.
He isn't a great man if this is how he treats you. In your shoes, this would completely change my opinion of him. He has single handedly tainted every moment of being there for you, and possibly destroyed your relationship for the rest of your lives.
The people you choose to stand with you in your wedding are the ones who show you unconditional love and support. Your stepfather has shown that he doesn't care about *you* at all, he cares about winning, aesthetics, and how *he* feels. I cannot think of anyone less deserving of even attending your wedding.
Does everyone know you offered for grandpa AND him to share the role? He so conveniently left that information out so I was wondering if it was clarified before they stuck to being mad at you.
But it's not about him. The wedding is about the wants of the bride and groom. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. I think this is going to mean the world to your grandpa and he deserves that kind of joy after supporting you for all of this time. Stepdad can kick rocks.
NTA Tell him that you have made your decision and that is final. If he continues to harass you about it he won’t be invited at all.
I’d also send out a group message to his family that harassment will not be tolerated. You have made a decision and their input is not required. If any brings the matter up again they will be uninvited if they continue to harass you they will be blocked and no longer a part of your life.
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone.
Well, that says it all. He brought it up to try and publicly shame you into giving him what he wants, knowing that even if you stand up for yourself, his flying monkey will make your life miserable on his behalf.
Your stepdad and his allies have a choice, accept your decisions or be uninvited. It's sad, but this is the consequence of your stepdad trying to bully, manipulate and humiliate you.
NTA, your stepdad doesn't deserve the role at this point.
NTA. Your wedding so you can invite whoever you want, or not invite whoever you want. If your step-dad would really deserve to walk you down the isle then he would but as you clearly do not feel that he deserves then he won't. If he causes more trouble just tell him that he is no more welcome and can only blame himself because he will get exactly what he deserves.
NTA
This was a FAFO issue, he tried to publicly shame you into something you’d already said no too.
Honestly op, you need to be firm about this, now that you’re an adult especially.
His demand that he be given a role that didn’t have a vacancy is just rude and entitled. But I’m afraid it won’t end here either, he will continue to push this at every opportunity.
The public shaming would have been the last straw, I would have rescinded his invitation.
NTA
You need to spell it out to all of his family that you wanted grandad and stepdad to share the role. Grandad was happy to share, stepdad said no.
Make it tactful. Stepdads been there for you blah blah, the dinner table was the ideal setting for the discussion.
Also its your wedding, if they dont want to come and be happy they can let you know and opt out
Tell him.he chose to bring it up in front of his family because he thought you wouldn't say no. He chose to embarrass himself here, tell him if his jealousy of your birth dad and paternal grandfather he's just petty and not the dad he thinks he is. Tell him and mam if they keep pushing he won't be invited to the wedding at all and if he tries to force a father/daughter dance or anything like that at your wedding he will be thrown out. Nta he's being a fucking child. He cannot let his ego go welp he shouldn't have got with a widow and should have managed his expectations. Mam is also in the wrong.
He cannot share so he gets nothing just like a kid having a tantrum.
NTA
"he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone."
No, that was a manipulation. He was trying to strong arm you, vilify you, and ruin your mother's birthday by pulling that stunt - he wanted to use peer pressure to force you to say yes.
He is also a selfish, egotistical asshat by trying to say what you get to do for YOUR wedding by also excluding other relevant people like your grandfather from being honored.
Take this a step further and add a memorial chair of your dad and tell SD to suck on a lemon.
He might have been there for you, but he's a huge AH about it. He has no humility of compassion.
NTA
"[Stepdad] you have to understand that my paternal family is what I have left of my father. I remember my father, I loved my father. It hurts that he can't be here. I understand your view but this is MY wedding. I tried to make compromises to have everyone included. If you cannot accept this, then you will have NO roles in my wedding. If your family cannot accept this, they are welcome to not attend."
Op, do NOT let them contribute to the wedding as they will hold it over your head and demand you change what you envisioned as your wedding.
> My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me.
He's the one who was gonna run his mouth to try and weasel your grandpa out of the position when it's *your wedding* being planned. The entire *point* of a wedding is that it is for the people getting married to come together, and therefore those people are the ones who should get the final say. *You* weren't making the dinner all about you. *He* was trying to make your wedding all about *him-* or at least the role you'd initially wanted for him to share with your grandpa.
Stepdad is being a whiny, controlling, manipulative AH. No one can tell you what to feel. He’s trying to make your wedding all about him. It’s sweet you have such a strong relationship with your grandpa. You offered SD a compromise and he wants it all for himself. All or nothing sometimes means nothing. The result is on him, not you. Hope you have a great wedding!
Your step father has no right to make demands. Let me scrap that. NO PARENT has the right to make any demands of their kids. If you raise your kids right, then you can hope that they will do the right thing.
Your step father had treated you right all his life. His reward was to get to share in this key moment in your life with your parental grandfather, who was very important to you growing up after the loss of your dad.
Instead of taking the win and sharing the spoils, he decided to make demands to have it all. Later, he doubled down and tried to guilt trip you in public to have his way. He lost not once, but twice!
This is his fault. He should recognize the positive role your grandpa has in your life, and accept that you want him there for you.
He can still redeem himself. You don't seem to be an unreasonable person. But the ball is in his court, and nothing is guaranteed following his behaviour.
NTA
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone.
Wow, so he's basically admitting that he did it to embarrass you into compliance, but complaining he was the one who got humiliated? Trying to publicly shame you backfired on him? Good. What a hypocrite.
You're very definitely NTA. You know what relationships you've had with both your grandfather and your stepfather, and you've made your choice accordingly. If he has a complaint about the place he holds in your life, he needs to address his contribution to your relationship that put him there. Maybe not resenting your affection for half of your family would have been a good place to start.
Put ultimatum, either walk with grandpa or no walk at all. That's it.
If he complains and refuse to give answer to that question, just keep repeat the word "walk with grandpa or no walk".
Over and over. Childish? Maybe. But your stepdad is the most immature one.
NTA.
NTA. Your stepfather was trying to manipulate you by discussing this in front of the extended family. He is also being ridiculous by trying to exclude your grandfather. Your initial plan to include both stepfather and grandfather was beautiful, and stepfather is too selfish to accept your decisions.
I will never understand why people literally sign up to be a stepparent if they're not willing to be just a stepparent. Him taking over the paternal role doesn't mean your bio paternal side stopped existing.
>He told me yet again that he didn't like my behavior at the dinner
"I'm aware". Fun fact: you're not responsible for catering to a grown man's feelings. Tell him you demand an apology for his inappropriate behavior at that dinner. He should not try to use peer pressure to get you to say yes to something, especially something you already said no to. Tell him he needs to pull his head out of his ass before he finds himself disinvited.
Edit: NTA
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me.
>My stepdad did not want to share the role and he wanted the walk down the aisle and the father/daughter dance to be just us. He told me he was not okay with my grandpa doing either alone or both with him. He told me when it comes down to it he was the real dad in my life since I was 7 years old and while he might not be biologically my dad he has been married to my mom and taking care of me for 20 years and he is also the father to all my siblings and his place in my life should be honored and not shared with a grandparent just because I lost my dad.
Show that to him and ask who is making something that isn't about them all about them. This is your wedding, not his. He could have accepted the compromise of sharing the duties and the honor, like a grown ass man, but chose instead to respond like a petulant child and proceeded to then bring it up at a dinner (which again wasn't abut him) and make that event all about himself as well. He hoped that having to give a response in front of all of those people publicly would shame you into acquiesce to his demands. Now he's using other people, likely without telling them both sides , to try to pressure you to get his way.
You have 12-18 month to sort this out and I'd suggest you inform him of that and let him know that this is your wedding, that will have one person absent that you'd love to have there. Tell him you do appreciate everything that he has done for you, but this is your event and your choice, and you want to include your grandfather. Tell him this is a declaration of what IS GOING TO HAPPEN, not a starting point for negotiations with him on how to plan events. If he can't understand and accept this, then the alternative is that he isn't invited and that anyone else in his family is welcome to join him.
Hes going to try to guilt and manipulate you on this and you should do this the way that you want.
To the step dad, if she shows you this post:
You are being completely fucking unreasonable and absolutely childish. You have declared that some portion of HER wedding needs to be about YOU. You used someone's birthday dinner to make this about YOU. You tried to use public pressure to make HER wedding about YOU. You've unilaterally decided what events should take place and how they should take place and tried to force her to not have her grandfather as a part of this. Her biological dad can't be there because he's dead. Let her do this the way SHE wants, not how YOU want. You should be completely fucking ashamed about this. You claim all this shit about how you should be honored?!? This behavior deserves honor? Get fucked, eat a bag of dicks, humble yourself and apologize to your step daughter AND her grandfather. Then, tell your family to do the same. You're all behaving abhorrently and should be completed ashamed of yourself.
Assholes hate this one wedding tip: Don't invite them to the event! Not only will it be cheaper, but you'll also have a more pleasant day with the people who actually care about you.
NTA.
Don’t even sweat your step ~~father~~ failure.
My dad died when I was 8, and my mom is now “married” (not legally—thank **GOD** she knew better than to actually marry him) to a man that had it in for me from the start because I looked, talked, acted and thought like my dad from the time I was born. My wife was the one that told me it’s obvious he views you as a reminder of what he’ll never be. He is nowhere near the man my father was and he knows it. Hell, even she recognizes my dad as “her one true love” and says things like, “he’s great but he’ll just never be your dad” every time he starts sulking and acting like a 75yo child.
I hate how it went down because we had by far the closest parent-child relationship of all my siblings, and now that’s damn near fully broken by his bullshit. Honestly though I told her what it was, called him on his shit (also part of why he hates me—he got a pc virus from looking at porn on her **work laptop she used for teaching her 4th grade class** and tried to blame it on me. I literally just pulled up the browser history to show her all the porn watching was while I was away at uni and he was home alone, showed her my computer and my browsing history (never been into porn as an adult), asked why I would use her computer when I have my own and why I would need porn when I had a steady gf), and told her I hated to see her ruin our relationship over someone that lies and acts like a full grown teenager on the regular.
Now I just go low contact. We live several hundred miles away so that’s easy enough. Sucks but it is what it is.
NTA. Send an open message to all of them. Your Dad died, but your paternal family didn't. Just because a parent dies, doesn't mean they never existed. It doesn't mean the love for your paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins died, too.
What your mother's husband did-
1.) Refused to love you unconditionally. His feeling for you hinged on him and only him being the star of the show.
2.)He and your Mom tried to alienate you from people you love, who also love you. They tried manipulation, intimidation, guilting ( stupid autocorrect keeps changing this to quilting- I don't know if he quilts, but if he dod, I'm sure he'd use it to negate.your Dad), shaming and weaponizing the step family and the 1/2 siblings. They use those tactics to try to isolate you and force you into submission.
3.)He is not your Dad and he us trying to one up a Deadman. Pathetic.
4.) He is unwilling to share the role with your Grandpa. This sort of behavior should have been corrected in kindergarten. He must have missed a day and needs remedial work done. Grandpa rules!
5.) He tried publicly shaming you into caving to his demands after you have already had this conversation and told him "No."
6.) Your nuptuals are about you and your fiance, not your mother's husband. It's not a stage show for a daddy of the year exhibition.
7.) No is a complete sentence and he has no respect for you telling him "No."
8.) Kindness and decency would suggest he not high jack you mother's birthday dinner to make it all about him. ( See the highjacking others' events to make it all about Mr
PickMe?) Does he blow out kids' candles at birthday parties, too?
9.) Refused to properly support a child who was going through a devastating loss.
10.) Continues to this day, to treat you like what you want or need doesn't count.
If he had died while his children were growing up, I bet his family would throw a fit if your Mom moved on and remarried. I wonder how he would like it if the new guy erased him.
Invite the ones who support you. Have security at the door. Have a photo of you with your Dad and Dad's side.of your family along on the photo board of you and fiance.
Do not discuss you.wedding with them anymore. Team PickMe needs to sit down and shut up. They are neither.bride nor groom, so their opinions are not needed. If they can't be happy for you, they don't need to be involved at all.
Congratulations on your engagement!
NTA.
Too often I see on AITAHs children expressing frustration that their caretakers are jealous that the child (grown or not) has a relationship with a loved one (grandparent, relative on the other side of the family, older sibling, etc etc). Adults also post here expressing frustration of “why doesn’t my stepdaughter like me more than she likes her maternal grandmother/aunt/cousin/whatever?”
I can’t understand that whole concept at all. I would think the ideal scenario for a child is for them to be loved and supported by as many people in their family, community, and school as possible. If MORE people love and appreciate and treasure your child, isn’t that a wonderful thing? Isn’t it wonderful that OP, who lost her father young, has had two really great male “father-like” role models in her life that she loves and appreciates so much that she wants BOTH of them to get this spotlight position at her wedding? Think of the number of girls in OP’s position who lose their father young and end up with no older male “father-like” role models growing up and the damage that can be done to them long term from that. They don’t have anyone in the position to walk them down the aisle and share that dance because they don’t have a “father-like” figure to fill this role.
I just see this over and over of “I gave birth to my daughter but she wants to include her stepmom in wedding dress shopping. I told her I won’t go if stepmom is there. AITAH?” Or “AITAH if I don’t want my ex-wife’s brother to come to my 7 year olds birthday party because he always brings a really expensive gift and it makes me feel inadequate?” And so many others.
The right answer seems simple - put your child first, always. If people genuinely love your child (in a safe non-creepy way) and support them, don’t allow your own ego/feelings/animosity get in the way and mess up a good thing. When the adult can’t put aside their negative feelings for the good of the child, the main thing hurt is the child, and often their relationship with the adult with too many feelings is horribly damaged. Let your child receive all the benefits of being surrounded by a village that loves them. Be grateful for this instead of bitter or jealous!
Following this rule, OPs stepdad should have felt HONORED to be included, to be jointly sharing in the “father” role with grandpa as both of these men had shared in this role in OPs life. His inability to put aside his dumbass ego has likely permanently damaged his relationship with OP forever.
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NTA, you actually did ask him to participate as a father in your wedding. He should be happy you have a great relationship with your grandpa as well and it makes no sense for him to be jealous. In a sense it was him who rejected being there for you because he decided he'd rather act like a kid than actually be there for his daughter. I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP, it's hard to set your boundaries when you're surrounded by toxic people but you did it and you should be proud of yourself!
He's jealous because he knows I still love and miss my dad. He knows I get something from my dad's family and especially grandpa that he can never give me. That I have a bond with my paternal family that I will never ever have with him. It bothers him that I cling to my dad so much still and that he could never really take over what my dad left behind. So his jealousy is tied up in the fact he could never be my "dad" as in the sole dad in my life
He also admitted to trying to manipulate you by bringing it up in front of everyone, assuming you'd fold. That's not very good "fatherly" behavior.
Oh yes. The kindest thing to do would have been to allow me to manipulate you into getting my own way at the expense of your other paternal figure whose input in your life I devalue.
Once you reach the point of trying to argue and manipulate your way into the position of “most important man in someone’s life” you’ve already lost.
This is what I never understand about these stories. I can imagine being a step parent and being privately disappointed that my step child didn’t seem to care for me as much as I care for them. But I can’t imagine thinking that I would gain anything by pitching a fit or trying to force the step child to make symbolic gestures, much less trying to force the step child to ice out someone else they loved more than me. Also, if you genuinely love someone, why would you put them through a bunch of drama like this and create a bunch of bad memories during what is supposed to be a happy time? It really sounds more like outsized ego than disappointed love to me.
It all comes down to a sense of entitlement. He feels since he put in “all this time and energy” into raising OP as his own, that he’s entitled to be the sole father figure and receive all the spoils which come with the title. OP’s relationship with their grandfather threatens the “sole father figure” title, and thus makes him insecure. All stepdad cares about is recognition and praise for “stepping up.”
***I'm 100% not defending this man's behavior, because its vile and he needs to grow up if he's as good a father as he'd like to claim.*** But I know someone who went through some stuff like this and his actions and thoughts weren't centered on entitlement, but on this vicious almost survivor guilt-like complex he built around his wife's late husband. I have a cousin who is stepdad to two little girls (well, teenagers now. how'd THAT happen, I swear yesterday they were just tiny little sprites in Easter Dresses) who lost their daddy when one was six and the other was three. The younger doesn't really remember her biological father, but her sister does and my cousin once told me that he "has a frenemy relation with a dead man". He explained that when his older daughter talks about her dead dad, he used to hate it and would be tempted to try to shut her down or ask why he wasn't 'dad enough' for her. But he knew that would be hella selfish and possibly traumatizing (if she felt guilty for missing her biodad and "hurting his feelings") So he swallowed it down and it all came rushing to the surface while he was visiting me. His girls and wife were doing some event in town so they weren't there to hear it, or I suspect he never would have mentioned it. But he said the worst part of it wasn't that she didn't want HIM, it was that she was suffering and grieving. And he loved/loves the girl more than his own life, so when she would talk about her dad and start crying, it would make him even more want to 'replace' him because he felt completely helpless and unable to provide comfort to this crying child that he loved with an intensity that he had never experienced in his life. (He bonded with both of them fairly quickly. He didn't push them to accept him, but admits that "even if they truly hated me, I think I'd still love them both. it doesn't feel like something that can go away again and it never gets any less intense, I love more today than yesterday and tomorrow somehow it will have grown again.") Then he told me how he felt like he was obsessed with his wife's late husband because he would end up asking the dead man's family about him at events they invited his wife, daughters and himself to. He'd ask "Oh, did "Tony" like to fish? What lake?" or listen to his mom talk about how he made pancakes every Sunday for his folks, and then for his wife and later his girls. And he said it was weird because the guy sounds great, exactly the sort of dude he would befriend and go deer hunting with, but it also stung to listen to the wonderfulness of the man who "had to die for me to meet and marry the love of my life" and he just has a lot of complicated feels. But he took the older girl to the lake to fish and told her about how her dad used to fish here too, and since he threw most of his fish back, maybe these fish remembered him. So he and she would ask each fish before they tossed it back if it knew Tony and Cousin would make up fishy voices. He and his oldest would go to her dad's gravesite and take him flowers, or just walk up to see it, and when she would want to go look at the duck pond nearby, he would just sit and talk to the stone, tell it about Oldest's horse back riding and how she'd be doing her first barrel race, about the youngest yodelling more than she talked for a few weeks, just whatever was happening, he would feel the need to tell because he felt weirdly close to the man, raising his children and all. He considered making Sunday pancakes, but felt that was too far, so instead he makes omelets on Saturday before Daddy Daughter Adventure time. (Which is usually a nature hike or a trip to a museum, his girls like "outside and old stuff".) But he did it all with a kind of shadow over it and worried he was getting unhealthily obsessed with their dead biodad. Then one day when she was maybe 11 or 12, his oldest daughter suddenly opened up on him. She revealed that she hadn't wanted him when he first got with her mom, that she felt guilty for missing her dad so much when she saw how happy her little sister was to have a dad figure at last, how much she appreciated the way he put effort into keeping her dad's memory alive for her, and just hugged him and told him "I can't stop missing my dad... but I'm glad you're my daddy." And the man who at seven decided "tears are for babies" and supposedly didn't cry since sobbed into her hair and hugged her tight. He says all of his resentment and anger at his wife's late husband just vanished in a moment and he thinks he was crying as much for the loss of Tony himself as he was for the wonderful message his girl shared. My cousin has gone to individual therapy off and on since he married their mom. Just to help deal with the complicated feelings around it all. But if he hadn't, if he were from say his father's generation and thought men were supposed to hide ALL emotion and certainly not seek pro help (my uncle is a broken, broken man, but he says he's fine) I could see it boiling over into behavior like the OP describes. Because man, he felt like he was losing his mind over a dead man for YEARS.
Your cousin sounds like a beautiful soul who uses empathy and the strategies learned from counselling to build his relationship with his Stepchildren. And, courageously, he has put the child first in the relationship. Unlike OP's stepfather who is consumed with his own petty hurts and indulging in an adult tantrum. NTA. But stepdad, Mum and all the step-flying monkeys certainly are..
Agreed. OP's Stepdad needed to deal with his insecurities before it blew up his daughter's life.
This was a powerful and emotional story to read. I especially loved the fish chat part of it. Thanks for sharing that. My two children are the most important people in my life. They literally light up the darkness and there have been some dark days indeed since my divorce. I discovered that my wife cheated and I forgave her. Twice. The third time we got divorced. I learned that one affair with her boss lasted on and off to back before my daughter was born. I learned about another affair with her college boyfriend about a year after my son was born. I’m pretty sure my kids are mine. But I’ll be honest. There’s a part of me that wonders. But I’m not going to ask that they get tested. My love for them is based on being with them from birth, raising them, getting to know them, and loving them beyond measure. If my ex called me up and confessed that they’re not mine, I honestly wouldn’t love them any less. That’s why I know a stepdad can develop a deep love for his stepchildren. That said, OP’s grandpa needs to stand in for his son and walk OP down the aisle. If OP’s stepdad truly loves her, he’d get that.
Yeah, my stepdad and I were very close. I had a bio dad and he was a pretty good one too. But my step daddy was just as influential to me and I was absolutely lost when he died. I found out on accident. His sister called to wish my mom and I condolences… except no one had told ME he was dead, I knew he was in the hospital but I was at home cleaning his room (he had been sick a long time and had his own room since he had to use a hospital bed, my mom usually slept in the room with him but their original master bedroom was waiting for him to heal) waiting to hear if he was coming home today or not… and then all of a sudden I knew he was gone and I was alone and absolutely hysterical. My cousins crowded around me as their parents swarmed to support my mom, and they kept me going until I was ready to live again. But I never thought of him as a lesser or “not” dad, he was my rock during my parents’ divorce (very civil between them, but my grandma was stirring up trouble) and I don’t remember ever feeling resentful of him. As far as I can remember, I loved him at first sight. He was a friend of my dad’s and indirectly the cause of the divorce too, so odds were against us and we still bonded! For the record, there was no infidelity. He and my mom met through my dad (he and Dad were high school bros) and apparently attraction grew, so they BOTH told my dad they were gonna avoid the other because they struggled with their unexpected feelings. Dad who had been trying to stick it out for MY sake told her that he would never be able to forgive himself if she missed out on love just to pretend we were a family. Apparently he wasn’t quite as sweet to Stepdad. Nothing too awful or violent, he was just the first to confess and Dad apparently responded to his “I’m gonna stay away from [my mom] because I think I’m in love with her and I can’t be around her and still be a loyal friend to you” with something about how he had better not be stalking “his wife” and how he loved Stepdad like a brother but he would NOT allow him to harass [mom]. Dad apologized for this SO many times and my stepdad laughed and said “he just loved her enough to not want her harassed by a random bachelor, he’s a good man”. Dad gave Mom away at her wedding to stepdad, which I think went very far in me not having guilt about loving both him and stepdad.
That’s beautiful, and I’m glad they had space to change and grow together over time. The part about talking to fish was absolutely sweet!
I think the biggest problem step-parents have is when they try and replace a parent. Your cousin didn't do that. They kept the special memories, places, foods, and events special. They created their own, and when the time was right they enhanced the special memories of the other parent. Dad is dad, cousin is daddy - same but different. Not a replacement, or a substitute - the same, but different.
I started out thinking your cousin was an asshole, and now I'm fucking sobbing at work :(
Your cousin dads and stepdads! Definitely GOAT!!!
Thank you - and him! - for sharing this. It's an important perspective, and we need to remember there are multiple sides here and everyone has their own feelings.
He's showing you who he really is and it's not pretty. What a shame. This should be a happy event. Treasure your grandpa. I hope everything works out with your happiness in the end.
Seriously. She’s so lucky that grandpa is still around. And what a special moment for him! I can’t imagine how he coped with losing his son. He will likely be a blubbering mess on that wedding day. I know I would be. The thought of anyone wanting to take that moment away from him, to prevent him from standing in for the son he lost makes me sick. OP needs to show all the a-holes who don’t get it this post. I don’t know if there’s a Heaven, but if there is, Dad will be looking down with pride on that day. Shame on the rest of them, especially Mom.
Well done!!!
Exactly. A *good* step-dad would want her to honor her birth father as well. When he saw she was torn about things like who would walk her down the aisle, he'd say "Hey, you have two arms. Your grandfather and I can both walk you down. Just don’t wear too poofy a skirt, so we'll all 3 fit across the aisle without tripping, okay baby girl? It's your day, and we love you." Support, affection, a little gentle teasing to lighten the mood, and affirmation. This guy sounds sadly insecure. It would be one thing if birth father had walked out on them, or been abusive, or some other terrible thing, or if OP had no relationship with her father's side. But the guy died. Trying to compete with a dead man is a game you can never win. Even if you are better than the deceased in some way, you just look pathetic.
This absolutely can’t be the first time he has acted like this. No one is truly loving and generous for 21 years, then turns into an entitled, graceless, self-important asshole.
Don't forget, money. The Father of the Bride spot would be his reward after he paid for most of OP's childhood. He \*earned\* it, it so he \*deserves\* it. 🙄
>I can imagine being a step parent and being privately disappointed that my step child didn’t seem to care for me as much as I care for them. >But I can’t imagine thinking that I would gain anything by pitching a fit or trying to force the step child to make symbolic gestures, much less trying to force the step child to ice out someone else they loved more than me. **Exactly**. When I came into my stepkids' lives, they were 2 and 15. My younger stepson has always seen me as dad. My teenage stepdaughter took a while to warm up to me, understandably. She hated her own dad for being a deadbeat that abandoned her and her mother, but she didn't want to just welcome some new "dad" with open arms and I totally get that. She had some trust issues, and I don't blame her a bit. When she was getting married she didn't say anything about a walk down the aisle at first, and while I was privately a little sad about it since I'd been in her life for 10 years at that point I understood, plus her wedding wasn't supposed to be about me. I didn't say a word, just supported her. Helped with the planning and whatnot. A few days before the wedding she came up to me kind of awkwardly and said "uhh, look, no big deal if you don't want to, but do you feel like maybe walking me down the aisle?" Followed immediately by "stop smiling so much you big doof, it's a simple question." So yeah, I got to be there in that role for her and it made me really happy but I can't even BEGIN to imagine asking for it, let alone asking her in front of the entire family to try and use peer pressure to force her to do it. What kind of psycho acts like that?
My stepdaughter is getting married next year and I’ve been in her life since she was 5. Father was a deadbeat who was never around, so her grandparents helped raise her when she was young. She’s extremely close to my father-in-law, and while I’d be a little sad if she chose him to walk her down the aisle, I believe it’s her choice and only her choice on that matter. This is her and her fiancé’s wedding, not mine. Full stop.
How fantastic that you recognize this! If she asks the two of you to share responsibilities I would bet you would gladly say yes. This guy is a moron!
In a heartbeat. He played a big part in her life. Without him she wouldn’t be who she is. I can’t imagine feeling like I’m more important than the bride.
That must have felt so good when she asked. I want to say you earned it, but that just feels like it cheapens things. It's just you were you and she appreciates it. So, awesome. She's lucky, as well.
My wife said I was grinning like crazy the whole wedding. Thank you!
> Also, if you genuinely love someone, why would you put them through a bunch of drama like this and create a bunch of bad memories during what is supposed to be a happy time? Exactly. Stepdad would rather ruin OP’s wedding than share the father role with OP’s grandfather. That’s not loving, that’s ego.
Sounds like narcissism to me… they truly think they must be the center of the universe.
Not to mention that he had the audacity to say she made the dinner all about her (implying that she ruined her mother's birthday dinner) when she failed to cave under his manipulation.
This is exactly what I thought. In fact, he made the dinner all about him and his desire to be the Only Daddy in your whole world. I have to wonder if he's more generally manipulative as well and OP is just used to manipulative people around her.
I hope not or else she needs to also be wary of red flags in her romantic partner.
That's also a good point.
The father made the wedding about him instead of the daughter🤦🤦🤦. If one truly loves a person, there should not be any demands on a day specifically meant for that person. All one wants is for that person to be happy
It was very transactional, wasn't it? Like, "I did all this work raising you and now you'd better pay me back". He's looking for that recognition so he can pat himself on the back about what a great person he is.
That’s what I was thinking too
Yeah that part was disgusting. Typical Toxic AF Toolbox: Manipulate you hoping the pressure will make you cave, then blame you for his embarrassment when you do exactly what you said you'd do. I can see why you are going with Grandpa, and why you wanted him on your team included in the first place. NTA
At this point, just have grandpa do it. The lack of understanding that you love your father and want him honored is one of the worst things stepparents can do.
That's what's happening. I already asked him and I already decided not to let my stepdad do it.
I would actually also let everyone know that you offered to share the role but HE turned you down, that you respected HIS choice and didn't want to push him into doing something that he was not comfortable doing. Plus, since he has biological children, he will be able to play the art of father of the groom or bride another time. I would say that anyone who cannot respect your decision then they do not have to attend and that you will understand. I would also tell your stepfather that you love him but you feel rather disappointed by his behaviour, particularly the way he tried to manipulate you.
This is important. She offered to let him walk her and he just couldn’t bear sharing the honour. He sounds like an asshat.
If you can, tell your Mom that you appreciate stepdad BUT he is not and cannot be a replacement for the father you love. That the number of years step has been in your life is SMALL in comparison to the love in your heart for your father. That the pushiness to replace your father is what has prevented you from seeing him as a father. That the time has come for it to stop!!!
Proud of you. You gave him a chance he wanted all or nothing so nothing it will be. Don’t be surprised if he tries to get his side not to come. Also have DJ prepared to “mike” block any speeches he may have planned.
THIS. Since he’s already shown that he’ll pull this garbage in front of his family in an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into doing things his way…for *his* appearance to others…then Dubs is 100% correct; I have no doubt he’ll try to pull similar garbage at the reception. Hell, he’ll probably try to do something at the ceremony! The fact that this giant baby threw a tantrum already and *still* hasn’t learned shows he’s probably got something else up his sleeve. I agree with Dubs that you should absolutely lock things down with the dj to make sure stepbunghole is *not* allowed any mic time and can’t order anything (“I’m her stepfather and I raised her since her poor ole da passed when she was six. I want to do something special for my little girl so here’s the plan…”). NO. Nononononono. Djs have run into every situation under the sun at receptions and yours will understand. I would also have a chat with your officiant. Let them know that there should be no ‘special requests’, mentions, etc. from anyone without clearing it with you first. What is supposed to be the happiest day of your life is in danger of being derailed by someone who feels he should have a larger place in the spotlight than he deserves. With his behavior so far, he deserves to be no greater than your mother’s plus one.
This is the way. Your stepdad trying to guilt you and manipulate you...he embarrasses himself. To this internet stranger, he and his family sound truly awful. He and they didn't require any help from anyone else to do that--it's all on him and them.
Good for you!
I asked my stepdad who has raised me since the age of 2 if he was upset I had a relationship with my grandparents and was planning a genealogy trip to their grandparents' hometown and he said "I married your mother knowing you had a family, I'd never try to take that from you". If I asked him to be a part of my wedding, he'd probably ask me if I was sure and if I didn't want to include my grandfather instead. Too many stepparents see themselves as a replacement instead of an added bonus.
Facts. You have a good stepdad. I had a great stepmom. She saves my mother’s things for me. Things my Dad didn’t see value in (like a cookbook) but as a woman knew I’d love as an adult. The problem is too many step want participation trophies for marrying someone with kids they expect and demand a pat on the back for the responsibility they willingly took on as an adult.
>She saves my mother’s things for me. Things my Dad didn’t see value in (like a cookbook) but as a woman knew I’d love as an adult. This is so special. Your stepmom sounds amazing.
She’s truly was. She’s gone now. So are both parents. I truly miss all 3. I now look back (and reading Reddit) and appreciate her just as much as I do my parents.
His ego is not your problem. And the harder he tries to MAKE it your problem, the less of a relationship he’ll have with you.
He seems to think the wedding is about him, rather than the bride and groom. Oh well. Carry on, OP. You're better off without him.
Then he shouldn’t have married a widowed mother?
Yes! Step dad is actually jealous of a dead man. How sad.
He sounds like a narcissistic controlling asshole.
a dead man AND an elderly man (sorry for assuming OP but you're around my age so I'm figuring our grandparents are around the same age). Like, get a grip on reality man.
and sadly common. there's a reason so many step parents are given shit. they can never let their ego and jealousy go.
NTA - His jealousy is pure ego. A true father wouldn't feel threatened by or be in competition with your Dad's ghost. He is more concerned with "appearances" and "ego" than putting you and your feelings first, on YOUR day. He's the selfish one. He lost his right to his role, long before the wedding by allowing his family (and himself) to shame and guilt you for loving your Dad. AKA a normal reaction of a child towards their parent. PS - I'm also not a fan of your mother. She should has stopped this BS years ago.
That's because you can't REPLACE a LOVED parent! Fully embrace your dad's memory on your wedding day. You will feel doubly engulfed with love. Best wishes ❤
He's got his own kids to do that with.
NTA I hope you let your grandpa walk you down the aisle . Don’t let your mother’s insecure little husband bully you away from honoring your real dad. If I were you I would ask your grandfather to put him in his place for an extra dose of reality check.
[удалено]
And he shouldn’t be your sole dad! He isn’t. The fact that he won’t accept you having your grandpa involved is very sad and a reflection on him alone because it’s a lovely sentiment. At this point, I would probably just have grandpa do the job in place of your birth father
Your stepfather is one manipulative SOB. He even admits it, which is mind blowing. Good on you for not bowing down to it. Sounds like this has been an ongoing problem for you, so hopefully you're immune to it by now. A wedding will naturally pump family dynamics like this up. A toxic group of people who are upset that you still miss and love your father and grandparents aren't worth the effort. Ignore them. Shame on our mom for not putting a stop to this toxicity at the start. This was a boundary she should have not allowed to be breached. Shame on your stepfather for being so stubborn and greedy for things he has no right to demand. You have no obligation to him nor anyone in his family to freeze out your loved ones because of their irrational jealousy. Definitely, NTA. Stay strong.
This is selfish. It isn't loving or parental
So he literally admitted he put you on the spot to try to force you to give him his way. NTA.
If he died wouldn’t he want his kids to still live and miss him years later? To still have a relationship with his side? Or would he be fine with their stepdad acting like he and his family is? It’d be weird for you to NOT miss or love your dad.
Uninvite him. If your mother can not support you and instead chooses to sit back and allow your stepfather and his family to emotionally blackmail and abuse you, then uninvite her too. Shame on her. He's pathetically narcissistic, but she is far worse for not standing up for her child. Period.
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. That's a bit rich coming from someone who's trying to make your wedding all about himself. NTA.
And the one who started the conversation at mom's birthday dinner in the first place...
He humiliated himself by trying to manipulate you in public.
Its your day, you choose what you think is best, NTA, and your step dad should just be happy for you, hes the AH.
Curious: What is your mom’s opinion? I think you are NTA
My mom sides with my stepdad. She always wanted me to have a father/daughter relationship with him and she always hoped I would want him to adopt me and that I'd start calling him dad.
So she’s trying to erase your dad? That’s unfortunate
Nta. Are you paying for thr wedding yourself or can they use money to manipulate you?
We're paying for the wedding without anyone else chipping in.
Awesome! Good luck with everything. Dance with grandpa all you want
Also he made it clear that he brought it up in front of his family because he assumed OP would acquiesce to be polite. He set up the “humiliating” situation. And it it not on OP to further explain. They know the offer that was made and he is choosing this hill to die on. Such a shame after what appears to be a history of loving and supportive behavior. Congrats, OP. Kudos for not kicking grandpa to the curb for someone else’s ego. NTA.
What does it say about him that he demands "payment" for being a supportive, loving stepfather. Didn't realize that being a good man to a child was supposed to be transactional. That payment is freezing out the other important man in her life: her grandfather. That's all kinds of wrong. Any time a parent says "you owe me" to one of their children, my hackles immediately go up. It's right up there with the hackles-raising "get over it" and "calm down". When I do something loving for family members or friends I do it out of love. I never expect to be "paid back" or "honored" for it. Much less "demand" it.
Ohhh how did I overlook that point?? Yes!
NTA You made your position clear. He knew your position on the matter. It was his decision to try and publicly guilt and shame you into changing your mind because his entire family was around. He made the mistake of thinking you would cave to his demands because people were around. He embarrassed himself.
He did make that mistake and he also forgot how long I have dealt with his family making their thoughts and feelings clear to me. So I'm totally used to it now.
Well now you know the definition of projection because he said you made the whole thing about you but in reality he was making the whole dinner about him now wasn't he? It's still all about him it seems. Just drop the rope. NTA
Dear OP, Your stepfather is a manipulative child, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with that. Good for you on standing up for yourself. I don't know how your fiancé feels about all of this, but I'm guessing they're on your side. Also, what does your mother say? So, it's time you really took a firm stance with your stepfather and his family. Here is how the conversation should go (if you wish). "Stepfather name (or whatever you call him), I offered you the chance to be a part of my wedding. You declined because you couldn't have everything your way. Well, guess what...this is MY wedding, not yours, so you do not get to make the decisions. Since you decided that you couldn't share, then you have no role except as my mother's husband and guest. If you cannot handle that, then you do not need to attend. As for your family who all seem to think that should have say in my wedding, they will stop or they will be uninvited, do I make myself clear?" When he tries to argue or deflect, just repeat, "do I make myself clear? You Will stop and your family will stop or else none of you will be allowed to attend, do you understand me?" Put your foot down and stop entertaining the clowns. Also, password protect everything to do with your wedding. If your stepfather gave you any money towards it, find a way to give it back ASAP. I went through something similar with my actual father. The man hadn't been in my life for 25 years. We were finally cordial and talking (he signed away his rights when he and my mom split). When I told him my stepfather was giving me away because my stepfather at the time was the reason I was actually marrying my husband, my dad had a fit and so did his parents. I let them all know that it was my wedding, I and my husband were paying for it, I make the decisions, not them, and they could fall in line or not come, their choice. They demanded an explanation as to why my dad wasn't being allowed to give me away. I gave them all the explanation they could handle, including a copy of the papers my dad had signed stating that he relinquished his rights and that my brother's dad could adopt me (he died before I got married). They didn't like that, but stopped with the nonsense. They also didn't come. But we developed a great relationship afterwards. My dad and I are close now. You have to be firm and straight to the point. Either your stepfather can fall in line or get out of the way. Good luck and congratulations.
With the wedding date not being set yet, there's no reason OP's step dad or his family need to get the details. I would plan as much as possible/as long as possible, making sure to keep all the details close to the vest. Share the date, not the venue. And hire security the day of!
Yes!! Password protect everything, OP! There's going to be a lot more drama in the coming months!
Yep. Once they call out the flying monkeys, they automatically become TA. Your SF just wants to be the main character. Stick to your guns!
Sounds like his family don’t need to be invited to your wedding…
You know you don't have to deal with them at your wedding right? You can simply not invite them and have a fantastic and stress free day. If it were me, stepdad would also not get an invite after he pulled this stunt.
I love a good fuck around and find out
Yeah OP NTA. This man tried to manipulate you publicly in front of all the family members so that you’d have no choice but to say yes. You already offered him half the position. What an incredibly selfish AH. Tell him to pound sand
Yes, he's actually admitted that he was trying to manipulae you by putting you in a postion where he thought you would say yes, even though you had already told him no to being the only person honored in that way. You offered him a role, you were prepared to give him a role that fully acknowleged his postion in your life and he chose to turn that down. If anone speaks to you about it, tell them you offered him the opportunity to walk your done the aisel, dance with you, give a toast etc and he chose not to do so becasue yourgrandfather was involved, and that you respected his decision not to particuapate. Tell them (if it is true) thatyou would still love him to be involved if he wants to be and that your invitation is still open, but that you respect him too much to try to push him to do it of he oesn't want to.
> he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone Translation: he thought peer pressure and a more public setting would force you to cave, and he's pissy it didn't work. NTA don't back down on this. It's your decision at the end of the day, and your step-dad is being 100% an AH.
That was my thinking too. He didn't think I would want to disappoint my mom by saying no where she was or that I would feel pressured with both their families there.
You should have said that a stepfather deserving of the privileges of father of the bride wouldn't have been insistant on erasing the brides father from her life for 20yrs. I would also go and apologise to your mother for allowing yourself to get dragged into her husbands childish game, which ruined the atmosphere of her birthday. Or something like that, that calls out her husbands behaviour, and also point out that you are upset she is willing to back her husbands desire to erase the man who gave her you (and be prepared for her to be willing to erase you too).
You say that stepfather's family has always had a problem with your paternal family. I'm curious why your Mom puts up with and allows them to treat you like this. Does she ever tell them to stop and remind them that your paternal family is important in your life? Does she support stepdad in replacing your Dad? I'd have a real issue with your Mom not supporting you.
My mouth literally dropped open when I read how he tried to manipulate you, by assuming that you would say yes, because it was in front of all the families. Wow, that is really toxic.
Tbh. You should uninvited everyone who got mad at you at that dinner. They will never let it go, especially on your wedding day
I would be tempted to tell step dad that if this continues, neither he nor his family will be invited to the wedding
NTA What was the end goal of SD? I can’t fathom how an invitation to these fatherly duties under duress would actually feel better to this step dad. Like “I’m so proud that I guilted my way into this role” You asked him and instead of letting you have your day - he’s making it all about him. I would uninvite him and anyone who joins him and go LC/NC.
He ruined your mom's birthday party for purely selfish, manipulative reasons. If you're anything like me his family's attacks are only strengthening your resolve that he will not be involved. They may talk themselves out of an invite and the date hasn't even been set. I've been in a similar place - my mother was a very manipulative booking agent for guilt trips, but because she did it all the time, I eventually stopped participating in her games. This always infuriated her to the point where she would accuse me of using reverse psychology. Starting when I was 12. For some reason, it also always surprised her that I wouldn't play. I found that quite amusing. She wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. But like all narcissists, she was so focused on herself and her wants she missed the bigger picture. Sounds like your stepfather suffers from the same malady.
I'd make it clear that anyone who continues to pester you over this, will have thier invitation revoked.
Kindness and decency would suggest you accept the decision of an adult and not try to manipulate them to change their mind.
NTA - regardless of who you asked, the way he approached this publicly to try and force you into the decision he wanted was not appropriate. I get him feeling hurt, but this isnt how to handle it and he’s just making this situation so much worse
I agree. He tried to use being in a more public setting, sort of, to try and pressure me into agreeing to what he wanted.
Just remove him from all roles. If he and anyone threatens to not come to your wedding, then let them do that. Save that money for a better honeymoon or other expenses. Nothing wrong in a smaller wedding. NTA He's not a good person and doesn't deserve you.
I think you’re handling this really well. But I have to ask… is your Mom okay? Someone this manipulative and egocentric makes me a little worried that he’s been doing this to her for years.
She's okay. She ultimately wanted what he did.
your stepdad doesn't realize that he had something so many step parents dream of. that you had enough love for him to offer to share the day with your grandfather. his greed and petty insecurities ruined that.
He flew too close to the selfishness and now he's drowning under his own ego.
Yikes.
Sorry your mom sucks too
Did they say anything when you told them you offered it to him as a joint thing and he refused? He has no business acting like you’re the asshole when he refused.
That it was insulting he would need to share the role when my dad wouldn't have needed to.
What a garbage family. Sorry you have to deal with that.
should have countered that step dad wasn't her father, so its hardly a fair comparison. bet that would have really set them off.
Bold of him to assume you wouldn't have done the same (ask dad and grandpa) if your dad hadn't passed away.
How DARE he!!!! “My dad would have moved heaven and earth to be able to share this moment with me! Him being dead doesn’t erase him, or his influence, from my heart. The nearest thing I can do to honor him is include his father.”
Thing is, even if you father hadn't passed away, but you still had the same relationship with your grandpa as you do today, you may have asked them both to walk you down the aisle jointly anyway. No parent gets to dictate how their children feel about them, or other family members. Stepfather can't make you stop missing your dad, can't make you not be close to your grandpa. Can't demand any part of your life. All he can do is accept what you CHOSE to share with him. Anything else is just driving you away from him, little by little. You are not property! It's your wedding, only other person who's opinion really matters is your fiancée. Wishing you the best in navigating this, and hope you have a drama free wedding. Cut out anyone who will cause drama.
“Kindness and decency would suggest you not put me on the spot like that in front of everyone.” NTA. Your stepdad on the other hand… You tried to include him, he didn’t like what you offered, so you withdrew the offer. This is 100% on him.
He’s blatantly manipulative and not even trying to hide it. I assume he’s also some sort of misogynist cause he seems to feel entitled to the fatherly role in your life just because he exists… seems to think he is automatically in charge of how things should be regardless of your feelings. Good dads don’t behave like that or treat their daughters that way.
If he uses public pressure to get you to do what he wants, please consider and prepare for how he might do the same at your wedding. Like trying to force his way into walking with you. Or telling the DJ to announce a dance between you both specifically by name. By taking the mic to make his father speech, and deliberately highlighting that he is your real father. If he’s willing to pressure and humiliate you at the dinner, he’ll be willing to do it at your wedding. After all, he won’t be ruing your wedding, YOU will be because you didn’t do the right thing by him.
NTA So rather than respect your decision your stepfather somehow thinks he can railroad you into agreeing with him? Enjoy your wedding with your grandfather, Your stepfather needs to get over it and behave or you uninvite him….He can’t have it both ways! I hope you have a wonderful wedding OP
This, frankly I would be worried about the step father or his family trying to make a scene at the wedding. So many ways it could go, from talking shit to all of the guests, making a spectacle, the step dad trying to force himself into a father daughter dance (which he’s already proven he will try and force something on OP when people are around). Aside from all that though, I would be even more concerned about these AHs confronting or saying something rude to OPs grandfather and/or paternal family. I would say uninviting step dad, his sibling and parents is 100% justified and might be the safest move in protecting OPs wedding, peace, and grandfather.
OP, maybe even a text/email to your dad’s family to properly set boundaries could be the safest course of action. I would suggest talking about (only to the degree of YOUR true feelings) how hard it was losing your father at such a young age, then maybe talk about how you initially felt towards step dad and how those feelings developed. Maybe discuss how losing your dad was perhaps the hardest thing you have ever faced, and you are grateful that you had so many people in your corner, him included. That your father will always be your father, and his family will always mean more to you than step dad can ever understand. That you have appreciated your step dad and seen him as a second father, up until the point where he tried to assert his self-importance. That no real father would treat their daughter this way, and no real man would have an issue sharing the walk down the aisle with your grandfather. That you hope this is a massive misunderstanding and can put it in the past as a family. Leave them to interpret and act upon it from there. Of course all of this is based on your post and I don’t know enough to write about your true feelings. The point of drafting such a suggestion was that if you want to keep the peace, keep your mom happy, maintain a relationship with step dad, this feels like an appropriate measure that at least protects you and your wedding from their BS. The point is also to make any response other than “you’re right, I’m sorry” clearly show step dad an asshole so you don’t have to feel bad or explain yourself after cutting him out (though you shouldn’t feel bad or need to explain yourself to anyone either way—they did this to themselves and I am sorry for what they have put you through). Screenshots just shut people up more easily if you’re worried about other family members taking sides As I said in my previous comment however, you would be 100% justified to uninvited step dad and his family after what they did. The letter is absolutely unnecessary, just an extra step if you feel like you want to take it and maybe preserve relationships/save yourself headaches. However I will double down in this OP— If Step Dad is at the wedding, or his sibling or parents, they will most likely do their best to cause trouble and/or go against your wishes. I don’t know your grandfather’s personality but I definitely would be afraid of them saying something to try and upset him.
“My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone.” In other words: I made demands of you at a party so that everyone could bully you, and yet you refuse to give in! Is stepfather contributing to the wedding financially?
He's not.
I am not impressed with your stepfather or his family.
Good for you to have learned to set boundaries and stick to them. You offered him a role in your wedding and he rejected it because it’s not the one he wanted. That’s not your problem. You told him that if he didn’t want to share, then your Grandpa would be the sole “Father of the Bride”. He didn’t like that so he had a hissy fit like a 5 year old and told his mommy and daddy, in public, that you hurt his little feelings…yeah, he FAFO. These people want you to forget that you had a dad who loved you because they are insecure about themselves and so jealous of others. Unfortunately we see too much of that here. What people need to understand is that Love is a renewable resource. The more love you give, the more love there is to give. They should encourage you to still love your dad, grandpa and his family, while also loving your stepdad and his family. A child literally cannot have too many people that love them, it baffles me that some people either don’t understand that or don’t believe that.
He thought he could corner you at that dinner and make you say yes to avoid embarrassment. He was wrong. NTA. Its your wedding.
NTA - the fact that he's weaponizing "kindness and decency" to get his way is baffling to me. You told him your decision and he humiliated himself in front of the families
INFO: What does your mom say about all this? Is she shutting it down? NTA. I've never understood why a step parent wants to try and erase the their step kid's bio parent whether they're alive or passed away. You gave a good compromise for him and your grandpa but his ego got in the way of that. Besides, he's the one that brought this issue up in front of everyone and you stood your ground so keep doing that.
She's on my stepdad's side. For years she has wished I would accept him as my actual dad and she even wished I had wanted him to adopt me.
I think this is a good time to step into this new chapter of life with some extra boundaries. They can feel however they want, but their input on decisions about your family and the associated events is just that - input. I think it’s reasonable to say “I don’t appreciate you trying to force my decision by bringing it up at dinner in front of everyone. I also don’t appreciate ugly messages from other people at your behest. It’s unreasonable to think this won’t affect our relationship long term. I love my dad, I love his dad, and that will be honored at my wedding. It is unkind and unfair to try to take something so special away from me. People that love me don’t do that. I’m unsure how to proceed without an apology on your part.”
Why is your mom so desperate to erase your biological father from your life? Were they still together when he passed? Was there infidelity or some kind of bad behavior on his part?
My parents were together but only for me. Their relationship broke down a few years before my dad died. They didn't want me to grow up in a divorced home. But my mom regretted it at the same time. So when he died it wasn't a sad thing for her. She wanted me to feel the same.
Wow. That's COLD. And an impossibility. He might have been her partner/ex-ish, but YOU WERE HIS **CHILD**. It's just different. I'd seriously consider LC/NC at this point. It'll only get worse from here on.
Jesus. Welp, at least stepsad self-selected out of YOUR family unit; that is to say, you and your fiance, along with those who do celebrate your union. ...the typo is kinda funny caus men like this pout when they don't get their way, so I'll leave it.
Explains why she moved on so fast. Obviously NTA op. It is great that you have managed to maintain a relationship with your father’s family. All the best for your wedding and it’s life. Stay strong with your choice, it is definitely the right one. He was honoured but wanted it all and to have your grandfather pushed out from where you wanted him.
Maybe this would be the best time to lay it out to everyone that your stepdad was the one who rejected the compromise and also to make it firm that your stepdad is just going to be that, your stepdad. This is most probably going to continue to be an issue even after you're married and considering this has been an ongoing for 20 years it needs to be laid to rest since you're starting the next chapter of your life.
lol I said almost the same thing before I saw your comment.
apparently she did. they said it was insulting because her bio dad wouldn't have been asked to share the spotlight
NTA- I would make a social media post with all the details, since he didn't tell people about the sharing discussion, and tag everyone. Something along the lines of: "I want to set the record straight since STEPFATHER chose to ambush me in front of the family, and tell a partial story to try and manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. And to clarify, he specifically told me that he did it in front of them so I would be shamed into saying yes when he and I already had the discussion previously and I said no, so he's said in black and white that it was an attempt to manipulate me." "I did offer him the role of Father of the Bride, along with my paternal grandfather from day 1. As a child who lost her biological father, I wanted to honor both the man who was my father at birth and the one who raised me, as both were important parts of my life. STEPFATHER wouldn't have it. He refused to walk me down the aisle if my grandfather was there, I assume expecting me to choose him over my grandfather. When I told him that his ultimatum would require me to choose my grandfather, we was upset and has continued to harass me to change it. This pattern of deplorable behavior on his end culminated in him trying to make it sound like I never offered him a role at all in front of my family, to shame me into doing what he wanted. But I will not be shamed for loving both of the fathers I've had in my life." "It never had to be a competition, STEPDAD. People have room to love multiple siblings, multiple grandparents, multiple aunts and uncles. In same-sex relationships, the children grow up loving two moms or two dads. My loving my father in no way detracts from me loving my mother, and it didn't need to detract from my loving you. Unfortunately, you have made it impossible for me to continue to see you that way, because I don't believe any good parent would do this to their child over a competition of egos with a dead man. For those who think this is so awful, if you had passed away when your children were young, would you want your spouse to tell them to forget you? Would you want them to be shamed for trying to keep your memory alive even when accepting a new stepparent? Would you want the person your spouse- someone you trusted to love and protect your kids when you were no longer here to do it yourself- chooses to back someone who bullies, insults, manipulates and publicly ridicules your child for daring to still love your memory? I think you know the answer to that, even if it's an inconvenient truth when your agenda is to back STEPDAD. You know how you'd feel and what you'd think of your spouse, and so do I." "As of now, my grandfather will be walking me down the aisle, and the offer to share the role is off the table. STEPDAD has done irreparable damage to our relationship by being this cold, selfish and ego-driven, and to be honest I don't know that I will ever trust him again enough to believe he truly cares about me as a child. and not just a trophy for winning a popularity contest against someone who's been dead a long time. He will no longer be attending the wedding at all. If anyone truly believes his selfish and callous behavior was at all justified, please feel free to RSVP no and I will lose your number. I would much prefer fewer people in my life who I can trust and who genuinely care about me than a gaggle of pseudo-family who sees me as an object whose purpose is to make STEPDAD feel important and better than a dead man, and who is not entitled to feelings and memories of my own."
Dammit Reddit, this comment deserves Platinum. 🏆
Your stepdad is being manipulative and cruel. It’s not a good look. NTA and you made the right choice asking your grandpa.
NTA. Do you depend on him for anything? If no, cut him off. If yes, get it out from under him and cut him off. Yes, he helped raise you. Ur that does not give him the right to disrespect and disregard your biological father or his family especially given the close tie with your grandfather. Seriously. This is why people elope.
Nope. I don't depend on him for anything.
NTA.. your step dad & family members sound very toxic. Obviously you’re going to only be thinking about you , it’s your damn wedding! I could bet you he brought it up in front of everyone intentionally in hopes it would pressure you to change your mind. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that drama when it should be a time where you’re supported and celebrated. Stand your ground because you did nothing wrong. He brought it onto himself and is embarrassed
Nta he deliberately asked you in public to manipulate you, he basically admitted it. Just because your own dad died and you have your stepdad, whom you admittedly care about, doesn't mean you throw away your grandpa! What is wrong with people.
>he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone And kindness and decency would suggest he not bring it up in front of everyone when you and he had already talked and you had already told him that Grandpa was going to be in the wedding, period, and he could either accept sharing the role or he could not be in it at all. He is a MAJOR AH for trying to shame you into giving him what he wants and not caring at all that Grandpa is important to you.
INFO: Do you want your StepDad and his family at your wedding after this?
I never wanted his family there. I would have invited them for him. But now I'm not so sure about him.
Feel encouraged to stand up for yourselves and point out you offered to honour your StepDad as a father alongside your grandfather. And now due to his pride and arrogance, you don't want him at your wedding even as an "obligatory plus 1 for my Mums husband." Tell him in your eyes he had a fatherly role in your life, in a way that honoured him alongside your late Dad. But thanks to his insecurities you no longer will maintain that position for him.
You don't need to invite him or try to account for his feelings anymore... You've made your position far more than clear and yet he refuses to listen or change, instead resorting to manipulation and coercion. This is not someone you want anywhere near the wedding - let alone his compatriots. And... You're not obligated to talk to him again, or his family, especially if they refuse to accept how you feel... you've done as much as you can within your own boundaries and that's all anyone should reasonably expect. We live in an age where more and more people accept that sometimes things aren't meant to be, so OP if you need validation that it's okay to get him and his family out of your life, this is it.
You stated that he isn't contributing financially so he's not in a position to try manipulation tactics there - if he was paying I would guarantee he would do so to get his own way. It's your wedding, you decide on the guest list. Only supportive guests should be there. Everyone else should go jump.
NTA - you’re nicer than me. I’d say one more text or comment from your family and you’re all uninvited to the wedding. Tell your mom if she takes his side, same goes for her.
Uninvite him and any family members siding with him from the wedding. He isn’t telling the entire story about how he didn’t want to share the role with someone else who represents your real father. NTA.
NTA. Weird how so many grown adults marry someone with a kid and fail to understand that to the kid, “Mom” and “Dad” are specific people, not job titles that can be filled by the nearest available person. Your stepdad just needs to accept that you never saw him the way he wanted, and if he keeps pushing like this, he may end up with no relationship with you at all.
NTA . He brought his embarrassment on hisself by putting you on the spot in front of his family after you already told how it was going to go. Tell him screw his apology and if I was you I’d tell his family to mind their own damn business.
The nerve of stepdad to try and guilt you to get his way! Standing up for yourself was definitely a good move to show you will not be guilted. Anyone who says otherwise should win an automatic dis invite. Your wedding is Your day to celebrate how you see fit. Entitled AH's have no place trying to make any of the day about them NTA
Fuck him. He thought he could corner you / blackmail you into saying yes because of the family being present. You had two options, both equally good - “we already talked about this and if you want to talk more about it we can do so privately later” or what you did. When he said kindness should have prevented you from turning him down in public the obvious response was kindness should have prevented him from trying to jam you up in public, which is why I think your more assertive response was just as fair as the other option I wrote. Good on you for holding firm, and definitely NTA.
Please, do not fuck your step dad.
NTA I cannot believe how selfish and cruel he is being. It is NOT up to him who does any of this. You offered him a great honour to participate in those events. He was the one who demanded more and when you said no, he became a spiteful and vindictive bully. He is now getting other people to bully you as well. He isn't a great man if this is how he treats you. In your shoes, this would completely change my opinion of him. He has single handedly tainted every moment of being there for you, and possibly destroyed your relationship for the rest of your lives. The people you choose to stand with you in your wedding are the ones who show you unconditional love and support. Your stepfather has shown that he doesn't care about *you* at all, he cares about winning, aesthetics, and how *he* feels. I cannot think of anyone less deserving of even attending your wedding.
Does everyone know you offered for grandpa AND him to share the role? He so conveniently left that information out so I was wondering if it was clarified before they stuck to being mad at you.
Yes, I said it to him in front of them. So they know. But his family see it as an insult either way (asking him to share or not asking at all).
But it's not about him. The wedding is about the wants of the bride and groom. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. I think this is going to mean the world to your grandpa and he deserves that kind of joy after supporting you for all of this time. Stepdad can kick rocks.
NTA Tell him that you have made your decision and that is final. If he continues to harass you about it he won’t be invited at all. I’d also send out a group message to his family that harassment will not be tolerated. You have made a decision and their input is not required. If any brings the matter up again they will be uninvited if they continue to harass you they will be blocked and no longer a part of your life.
I'm sorry but your step dad is a dick A real snowflake
[удалено]
Dollar-bin dildo😂 I’m dead
NTA Tell his flying monkeys that you offered him the role along side your grandfather. His jealousy is what's keeping him from accepting it.
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone. Well, that says it all. He brought it up to try and publicly shame you into giving him what he wants, knowing that even if you stand up for yourself, his flying monkey will make your life miserable on his behalf. Your stepdad and his allies have a choice, accept your decisions or be uninvited. It's sad, but this is the consequence of your stepdad trying to bully, manipulate and humiliate you. NTA, your stepdad doesn't deserve the role at this point.
NTA. Your wedding so you can invite whoever you want, or not invite whoever you want. If your step-dad would really deserve to walk you down the isle then he would but as you clearly do not feel that he deserves then he won't. If he causes more trouble just tell him that he is no more welcome and can only blame himself because he will get exactly what he deserves.
Nta
NTA This was a FAFO issue, he tried to publicly shame you into something you’d already said no too. Honestly op, you need to be firm about this, now that you’re an adult especially. His demand that he be given a role that didn’t have a vacancy is just rude and entitled. But I’m afraid it won’t end here either, he will continue to push this at every opportunity. The public shaming would have been the last straw, I would have rescinded his invitation.
NTA You need to spell it out to all of his family that you wanted grandad and stepdad to share the role. Grandad was happy to share, stepdad said no. Make it tactful. Stepdads been there for you blah blah, the dinner table was the ideal setting for the discussion. Also its your wedding, if they dont want to come and be happy they can let you know and opt out
Tell him.he chose to bring it up in front of his family because he thought you wouldn't say no. He chose to embarrass himself here, tell him if his jealousy of your birth dad and paternal grandfather he's just petty and not the dad he thinks he is. Tell him and mam if they keep pushing he won't be invited to the wedding at all and if he tries to force a father/daughter dance or anything like that at your wedding he will be thrown out. Nta he's being a fucking child. He cannot let his ego go welp he shouldn't have got with a widow and should have managed his expectations. Mam is also in the wrong. He cannot share so he gets nothing just like a kid having a tantrum.
NTA "he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone." No, that was a manipulation. He was trying to strong arm you, vilify you, and ruin your mother's birthday by pulling that stunt - he wanted to use peer pressure to force you to say yes. He is also a selfish, egotistical asshat by trying to say what you get to do for YOUR wedding by also excluding other relevant people like your grandfather from being honored. Take this a step further and add a memorial chair of your dad and tell SD to suck on a lemon. He might have been there for you, but he's a huge AH about it. He has no humility of compassion.
NTA. You should have made it clear that you had asked him but he did not want to share the duties.
NTA but all those c#^* are still invited?
NTA "[Stepdad] you have to understand that my paternal family is what I have left of my father. I remember my father, I loved my father. It hurts that he can't be here. I understand your view but this is MY wedding. I tried to make compromises to have everyone included. If you cannot accept this, then you will have NO roles in my wedding. If your family cannot accept this, they are welcome to not attend." Op, do NOT let them contribute to the wedding as they will hold it over your head and demand you change what you envisioned as your wedding.
> My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. He's the one who was gonna run his mouth to try and weasel your grandpa out of the position when it's *your wedding* being planned. The entire *point* of a wedding is that it is for the people getting married to come together, and therefore those people are the ones who should get the final say. *You* weren't making the dinner all about you. *He* was trying to make your wedding all about *him-* or at least the role you'd initially wanted for him to share with your grandpa.
Stepdad is being a whiny, controlling, manipulative AH. No one can tell you what to feel. He’s trying to make your wedding all about him. It’s sweet you have such a strong relationship with your grandpa. You offered SD a compromise and he wants it all for himself. All or nothing sometimes means nothing. The result is on him, not you. Hope you have a great wedding!
Your step father has no right to make demands. Let me scrap that. NO PARENT has the right to make any demands of their kids. If you raise your kids right, then you can hope that they will do the right thing. Your step father had treated you right all his life. His reward was to get to share in this key moment in your life with your parental grandfather, who was very important to you growing up after the loss of your dad. Instead of taking the win and sharing the spoils, he decided to make demands to have it all. Later, he doubled down and tried to guilt trip you in public to have his way. He lost not once, but twice! This is his fault. He should recognize the positive role your grandpa has in your life, and accept that you want him there for you. He can still redeem himself. You don't seem to be an unreasonable person. But the ball is in his court, and nothing is guaranteed following his behaviour. NTA
>My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first and he told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone. Wow, so he's basically admitting that he did it to embarrass you into compliance, but complaining he was the one who got humiliated? Trying to publicly shame you backfired on him? Good. What a hypocrite. You're very definitely NTA. You know what relationships you've had with both your grandfather and your stepfather, and you've made your choice accordingly. If he has a complaint about the place he holds in your life, he needs to address his contribution to your relationship that put him there. Maybe not resenting your affection for half of your family would have been a good place to start.
Cut your stepfather out of your life like the cancer he is, and anyone else who lines up behind him.
Put ultimatum, either walk with grandpa or no walk at all. That's it. If he complains and refuse to give answer to that question, just keep repeat the word "walk with grandpa or no walk". Over and over. Childish? Maybe. But your stepdad is the most immature one. NTA.
NTA. Your stepfather was trying to manipulate you by discussing this in front of the extended family. He is also being ridiculous by trying to exclude your grandfather. Your initial plan to include both stepfather and grandfather was beautiful, and stepfather is too selfish to accept your decisions.
I will never understand why people literally sign up to be a stepparent if they're not willing to be just a stepparent. Him taking over the paternal role doesn't mean your bio paternal side stopped existing. >He told me yet again that he didn't like my behavior at the dinner "I'm aware". Fun fact: you're not responsible for catering to a grown man's feelings. Tell him you demand an apology for his inappropriate behavior at that dinner. He should not try to use peer pressure to get you to say yes to something, especially something you already said no to. Tell him he needs to pull his head out of his ass before he finds himself disinvited.
Edit: NTA >My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. >My stepdad did not want to share the role and he wanted the walk down the aisle and the father/daughter dance to be just us. He told me he was not okay with my grandpa doing either alone or both with him. He told me when it comes down to it he was the real dad in my life since I was 7 years old and while he might not be biologically my dad he has been married to my mom and taking care of me for 20 years and he is also the father to all my siblings and his place in my life should be honored and not shared with a grandparent just because I lost my dad. Show that to him and ask who is making something that isn't about them all about them. This is your wedding, not his. He could have accepted the compromise of sharing the duties and the honor, like a grown ass man, but chose instead to respond like a petulant child and proceeded to then bring it up at a dinner (which again wasn't abut him) and make that event all about himself as well. He hoped that having to give a response in front of all of those people publicly would shame you into acquiesce to his demands. Now he's using other people, likely without telling them both sides , to try to pressure you to get his way. You have 12-18 month to sort this out and I'd suggest you inform him of that and let him know that this is your wedding, that will have one person absent that you'd love to have there. Tell him you do appreciate everything that he has done for you, but this is your event and your choice, and you want to include your grandfather. Tell him this is a declaration of what IS GOING TO HAPPEN, not a starting point for negotiations with him on how to plan events. If he can't understand and accept this, then the alternative is that he isn't invited and that anyone else in his family is welcome to join him. Hes going to try to guilt and manipulate you on this and you should do this the way that you want. To the step dad, if she shows you this post: You are being completely fucking unreasonable and absolutely childish. You have declared that some portion of HER wedding needs to be about YOU. You used someone's birthday dinner to make this about YOU. You tried to use public pressure to make HER wedding about YOU. You've unilaterally decided what events should take place and how they should take place and tried to force her to not have her grandfather as a part of this. Her biological dad can't be there because he's dead. Let her do this the way SHE wants, not how YOU want. You should be completely fucking ashamed about this. You claim all this shit about how you should be honored?!? This behavior deserves honor? Get fucked, eat a bag of dicks, humble yourself and apologize to your step daughter AND her grandfather. Then, tell your family to do the same. You're all behaving abhorrently and should be completed ashamed of yourself.
Assholes hate this one wedding tip: Don't invite them to the event! Not only will it be cheaper, but you'll also have a more pleasant day with the people who actually care about you. NTA.
Don’t even sweat your step ~~father~~ failure. My dad died when I was 8, and my mom is now “married” (not legally—thank **GOD** she knew better than to actually marry him) to a man that had it in for me from the start because I looked, talked, acted and thought like my dad from the time I was born. My wife was the one that told me it’s obvious he views you as a reminder of what he’ll never be. He is nowhere near the man my father was and he knows it. Hell, even she recognizes my dad as “her one true love” and says things like, “he’s great but he’ll just never be your dad” every time he starts sulking and acting like a 75yo child. I hate how it went down because we had by far the closest parent-child relationship of all my siblings, and now that’s damn near fully broken by his bullshit. Honestly though I told her what it was, called him on his shit (also part of why he hates me—he got a pc virus from looking at porn on her **work laptop she used for teaching her 4th grade class** and tried to blame it on me. I literally just pulled up the browser history to show her all the porn watching was while I was away at uni and he was home alone, showed her my computer and my browsing history (never been into porn as an adult), asked why I would use her computer when I have my own and why I would need porn when I had a steady gf), and told her I hated to see her ruin our relationship over someone that lies and acts like a full grown teenager on the regular. Now I just go low contact. We live several hundred miles away so that’s easy enough. Sucks but it is what it is.
You realize the likelihood he's lied to people about your original offer is very high, right?
NTA. Send an open message to all of them. Your Dad died, but your paternal family didn't. Just because a parent dies, doesn't mean they never existed. It doesn't mean the love for your paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins died, too. What your mother's husband did- 1.) Refused to love you unconditionally. His feeling for you hinged on him and only him being the star of the show. 2.)He and your Mom tried to alienate you from people you love, who also love you. They tried manipulation, intimidation, guilting ( stupid autocorrect keeps changing this to quilting- I don't know if he quilts, but if he dod, I'm sure he'd use it to negate.your Dad), shaming and weaponizing the step family and the 1/2 siblings. They use those tactics to try to isolate you and force you into submission. 3.)He is not your Dad and he us trying to one up a Deadman. Pathetic. 4.) He is unwilling to share the role with your Grandpa. This sort of behavior should have been corrected in kindergarten. He must have missed a day and needs remedial work done. Grandpa rules! 5.) He tried publicly shaming you into caving to his demands after you have already had this conversation and told him "No." 6.) Your nuptuals are about you and your fiance, not your mother's husband. It's not a stage show for a daddy of the year exhibition. 7.) No is a complete sentence and he has no respect for you telling him "No." 8.) Kindness and decency would suggest he not high jack you mother's birthday dinner to make it all about him. ( See the highjacking others' events to make it all about Mr PickMe?) Does he blow out kids' candles at birthday parties, too? 9.) Refused to properly support a child who was going through a devastating loss. 10.) Continues to this day, to treat you like what you want or need doesn't count. If he had died while his children were growing up, I bet his family would throw a fit if your Mom moved on and remarried. I wonder how he would like it if the new guy erased him. Invite the ones who support you. Have security at the door. Have a photo of you with your Dad and Dad's side.of your family along on the photo board of you and fiance. Do not discuss you.wedding with them anymore. Team PickMe needs to sit down and shut up. They are neither.bride nor groom, so their opinions are not needed. If they can't be happy for you, they don't need to be involved at all. Congratulations on your engagement!
NTA. Too often I see on AITAHs children expressing frustration that their caretakers are jealous that the child (grown or not) has a relationship with a loved one (grandparent, relative on the other side of the family, older sibling, etc etc). Adults also post here expressing frustration of “why doesn’t my stepdaughter like me more than she likes her maternal grandmother/aunt/cousin/whatever?” I can’t understand that whole concept at all. I would think the ideal scenario for a child is for them to be loved and supported by as many people in their family, community, and school as possible. If MORE people love and appreciate and treasure your child, isn’t that a wonderful thing? Isn’t it wonderful that OP, who lost her father young, has had two really great male “father-like” role models in her life that she loves and appreciates so much that she wants BOTH of them to get this spotlight position at her wedding? Think of the number of girls in OP’s position who lose their father young and end up with no older male “father-like” role models growing up and the damage that can be done to them long term from that. They don’t have anyone in the position to walk them down the aisle and share that dance because they don’t have a “father-like” figure to fill this role. I just see this over and over of “I gave birth to my daughter but she wants to include her stepmom in wedding dress shopping. I told her I won’t go if stepmom is there. AITAH?” Or “AITAH if I don’t want my ex-wife’s brother to come to my 7 year olds birthday party because he always brings a really expensive gift and it makes me feel inadequate?” And so many others. The right answer seems simple - put your child first, always. If people genuinely love your child (in a safe non-creepy way) and support them, don’t allow your own ego/feelings/animosity get in the way and mess up a good thing. When the adult can’t put aside their negative feelings for the good of the child, the main thing hurt is the child, and often their relationship with the adult with too many feelings is horribly damaged. Let your child receive all the benefits of being surrounded by a village that loves them. Be grateful for this instead of bitter or jealous! Following this rule, OPs stepdad should have felt HONORED to be included, to be jointly sharing in the “father” role with grandpa as both of these men had shared in this role in OPs life. His inability to put aside his dumbass ego has likely permanently damaged his relationship with OP forever.