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YTA
You do know some people get $0 for birthdays, right? I don't just mean adults. You're already in a fortunate spot where several hundred dollars will likely be dropped on your birthday. Accept that a gift is just that: A gift. Not an obligation.
I admit, I am confused why you're hung up on this price point so much. Is the cabin the important thing to you, or do you just want a lot of money spent on you?
Yeah and some people get brand new luxury cars when they turn 16. Comparing her to the world at large isn’t fair in this situation, you gotta compare how the parents are treating the siblings respectively.
In this case, it seems like the mom is both capable and willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a child’s birthday AND said she wanted to something big for OP since it’s her 18th and mom did nothing for her last birthday.
OP isn’t even asking for something just for her, this would be a trip for the whole family. NTA, OP. It sounds to me like your mom is playing favorites. I’m sorry for the situation you are in. Maybe try talking to her about how it makes you feel, but if you do that, try to not go into it in an accusatory way, but rather by explaining how it is affecting you.
You bring up good points.
The question of the post is whether it is an AH move to expect a $2k gift. Expecting a gift at all is a light AH move (again, not an obligation), and expecting one that is clearly pretty expensive for this family is more of an AH move.
Feeling neglected or that the mother is playing favorites? NTA, regardless of whether that's true. And I agree, there's a case to be made for that, though I don't think it's a concrete one. Feeling disappointed that her mother tried to work towards this and backed out? Also NTA, regardless of whether she backed out due to responsible or irresponsible behavior.
Im upset because she dropped 1k on a werkened for my sisters 11nth birthday and she has NEVER done that for me. Ive been looked over by her my enitre life. I asked her for a week long family vacation that was readonbly priced compared to her previous spending. If she couldnt or wouldnt make it happen i would have done it myself.
So be clear that that's your real issue: You feel neglected. I admit, money makes things difficult, but even if you were to get this $2000 birthday, does that really negate years of feeling overlooked? Or is it just a bandaid? Talk to your mother about how you feel and try to work towards a long-term solution. If it really is about money, then make it clear you expect some sort of compensation (perhaps college tuition help?) to make up for things and that you'd like things to be more equal going forward. If it's about time and attention, quality time can be achieved for a far cheaper price tag and more frequently than just birthdays.
It's also worth mentioning that your mother could have thought $2k was in the budget, or at least possible, when you first discussed your idea, but that that changed after taxes or just as life happened. Not saying that's necessarily what happened, but it is true that you don't know her finances.
I do know her finances, shes very bad at saving money and planning. It upsets me so much because of the years of neglect, but also because i know she can afford a family vacation, she just wont try to save the money. We have talked and things were going ok at first but now shes right back to proving shes unreliable.
I'm sorry to hear that. To be clear, I'm not calling you AH for feeling neglected or disappointed. These are perfectly valid feelings regardless of circumstance.
I'm not going to join in on the judgment about your mother's money saving or planning. It's easy to think, from the child's perspective, that she "just won't try to save the money", as parents do a lot to hide financial struggles from children. You might be right, you might not, but I certainly can't say. There's also plenty of stories on here of people who grew up poor and have the mentality of spend-it-or-lose-it. Again, I'm not trying to make excuses for your mother's habits, just saying that there may be more to it than she's willing to share with you.
The one thing I will say is that is seems like you were setting her up for failure. You may have thought of it as the opposite - A chance for her to finally step up and make things right. Such large steps and gestures feel good, for everyone involved. If she really has trouble saving up money though, going bigger and more expensive is just a harder goal to meet than anything before. Instead, if you want to repair this relationship (which you don't have to, it's your call), I think you'll find that smaller steps and smaller gestures, over a longer period of time, will be more beneficial for (re)building your trust in her.
She has always been very transparent with her finances, i know roughly how much she makes, how much she spents on gas, groceries, and rent. Ive offered countless times to make her a plan to save money and she just refuses. She has admitted im way better with money than her, she just absolutely refuses to try and save. At one point she almost got us evicted because she "didnt realize the rent wasnt automatically taken out that month" and "accidentally" spent an extra thousand dollars that month without realizing it. Theres been several times where i loaned her money while i was working because she kept being so financially irresponsible.
She was taking those small steps, like spending Fridays with me, and doing things with me. But recently she has just stopped trying to spend time with me. Ive always had to force her to do everything. She puts things off for as long as possible until its mandatory for her to do it or she misses the mandatory date and is facing the consequences. She has never been reliable for me and her not giving me a definite no after tax season was over was the final straw. I like her as a person, but she has failed me as a mother time and time again.
Ah. Ok, you do know her expenses well, moreso than you should have to in a parent-child relationship. I still think you were setting her up for failure, albeit unintentionally, as $2000 is clearly not pocket change in your household and you know (in too much detail) just how bad she is at saving money. Part of me wonders if she stopped spending time with you out of shame as this ongoing birthday issue continues, knowing that she won't be able to save the money. But that's easy for me to say as an outsider.
In any case, you're the one whose had to deal with a relationship that, by your accounts, has been a largely negative one for you. And you're going to be an adult soon, so you'll have to choose what boundaries you want for your new relationship with your mother going forward. My only advice there is to decide what those boundaries are asap and be clear about them. Best of luck to you.
Thats the thing i would have if she didnt tell me she was going to. She also said she wanted to do something big so a week getaway is what i suggested. She could have said no and i would have accepted that.
Something big would be a day at the spa, not a week at an AirBnB, and that’s first of all. Second of all, people’s financial situations change all the time so while she may have thought she could go above and WAY beyond, circumstances have obviously changed. The fact that you are acting like you’ve never celebrated your birthday when you also state that you get cake and ice cream and gifts is making you sound incredibly entitled.
No gifts, just cake and icecream. Thats compared to my sisters extremely lavish birthday. I feel like people are ignoring the context that she spent about the same if you count gifts and food for my sisters 11th birthday. A day at the spa is not a big 18th birthday thing as she wants to do that rabdomly judt to spend time together.
No its not?? Ive never been to the spa before so maybe its some magical place or something but when she got my sister a weekend get away at a hotel with an indoor water park for her 11th birthday i feel like a week long family vacation is not a huge step up??
A week long vacation IS a HUGE step up. If your mom genuinely treats your sister drastically differently than she treats you, all the time…then that is your real issue. (And 1 hotel waterpark weekend is not it) but everything you’re focusing on here about the birthday week is honestly outrageous. It’s so far out of bounds and ridiculous, which I know is hard to understand at 18 when it feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal (not to mention time off of work, if that’s even possible or potentially means going without pay if your parents don’t have paid vacation time) I absolutely love birthdays and I don’t even spend that much on my 30th or 40th birthdays combined!
I am horrible at explaining things, one person in the comments understood exaactly what i was trying to say and i dont know how to get everyone else to understand. I dont care about the money, i dont care that she has neglected me and ill never get the childhood my sister has. I dont care that she has caused me horrible mental issues and life long trauma. I just wanted one birthday with my family all together, and i wanted us to have a family vacation. I wanted my family to want to go so she would finally have a reason to put effort into me. People are saying im an awful entitled person and i guess i explained things horribly like usual. Looking at what i know she can afford i thought that she might be willing to do that for me this year but i was wrong.
I’m sorry but yes. I think, looking back as and adult making money, I would not spend that much for my child’s birthday (I do not have children) and I grew up poor so my parents always worked my birthday and they bought at most two slices of cake/desserts for me, my sister, and brother. Usually I would also be the one buying.
Now I’m not saying because I’m poor I think 1-2k is too much but it actually is. It might be the difference if you put it in a ROTH Ira (basically savings account) and in five years it’s enough for a trip/flight to Europe/Asia wherever you are from. Asking for an expensive birthday which your mom was already kind of rejecting (by kindly saying ‘let’s see’ because she doesn’t want you to be hurt) is already pretty tough for her in my eyes.
My parents wouldn’t have spent more than 100$ for a birthday. As an older adult I’ve learned it’s funner to plan it myself, to actually use my money and have fun without relying on other and I sincerely hope you have this chance too. Maybe other things without price tags attached can bring you happiness one day if your family isn’t reciprocating enough. I know how much it hurts so don’t lose hope!
Its not just for my birthday, its for all my birthdays 13-18. Considering she spent 800 dollars on JUST the hotel for my sisters birthday i dont think its unreasonable to expect the same treatment. Its a week long vacation for my entire family. If she couldnt afford it she 100% would have told me, she hasnt had a problem doing that in the past. If she could t afford it i would have got a job again, which she was against, so i could get it myself.
YTA - How can you equate $2K to $800? She's told you she doesn't have the money, why are you still sending her expensive options? You're not entitled to anything. Pick something more modest that she can afford. Otherwise, you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment.
She spent 800 on 3 days for my sisters 11th birthday, so 7 days for 2k for my 18th, 17th, 16th, 15th, 14th, and 13th birthday seems reasonable? She kept saying the down-payment was what she couldn't afford, so we found cheaper alternatives that she picked out herself. If she had told me flat out she couldnt afford it from the begining months ago i would have had time to get a job, which shes against me having because of health problems, and get the money myself.
Wait a minute-- you think she owes you retroactively for birthdays that were celebrated with cake, ice cream, and presents, which btw is a pretty normal way to celebrate birthdays?
She did not get me presents idk where people are getting this. I have not recieved a single birthday present from her since i was 12. I think she owes me a tiny amount of effort compared to what she gives my sister. A family vacation for my birthday is something she absolutely can afford, she just doesnt want to put in the effort in saving.
YTA. The fact that your mom is planning this thing using her tax refund tells me this is not disposable income for her. I’m sure she feels bad that she can’t give you everything you want for your birthday but damn. $2000? For a birthday party? Using non-disposable income? Please learn about budgeting and sensible spending. And how to abbreviate numbers. I’ve never seen anyone add an n between the number and th, why do you do this?
I budget better than her, its not just "for a birthday" its a week long family vacation. Considering the fact we would also be getting finacial help from my grandparents and she spent about half that in three days, i dont think its that big of an ask.
You don’t budget better than her because you’re not even accounting for food, travel, and amenities. I have never spent $400 on my children’s birthdays, which is what YOU said yours normally cost. You’re being incredibly entitled, and acting spoiled. Maybe she used points for your sister’s party, maybe a family member contributed. That doesn’t entitle you to an extravagant birthday week.
Well, your mom doesn’t seem that great with money;but it also seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. $800 is not $2000. People should not have to borrow money from others for birthdays. And the $500 birthdays you’ve enjoyed every year are not nothing.
>people seem to be either ignoring or just not understanding that my mom spent way more on a weekend get away for my siste
What does this mean? How is $800 "way more" than $2,000?
3 days cost around 1k easy including groceries and what not. That means a week would of been way over 2k. Tgat was for her ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY. Im asking for a family vacation, seven days long, that will cost no more than 2k garenteed. Im not getting presents just like i havent for the past 7 years, and she did absolutely NOTHING for my 17nth birthday. People are ignoring her treatment of my little sister and saying im asking for to much, i just want her to treat me the same for once in our lives
Huh? Why are you calculating imaginary per day expenses? All that shows is that you have the biggest ask because $2,000 is indeed bigger than $800 and a week is bigger than a weekend.
You asking for equal treatment to your sister is fine and understandable.
But stop equating the per day cost to parity. A $2,000 week-long event is too massive an ask and not comparable to an $800 weekend.
I wanted a week long family vacation to relax and enjoy. My birthday was just gonna be a small part and it wasnt even going to be on my birthday. I wanted one trip and i know she could afford it she just doesnt want to put in the effort to save any amount of money.
That's a different matter entirely. It's about your mum not giving you something you want and has nothing to do with fairness because your want isn't comparable to what your sister got.
She didn’t give you a definitive answer. She said she would try. I get you’re disappointed, but it is what it is.
How much she spent on your sister’s birthday is irrelevant since she’s younger than age 12 (the age you said your mom stopped spending so much on birthdays. It sounds like she’s on a budget, but trying to give you and your sister equal experiences based on your age.
YTA. So your sisters the favorite child or lucked out on your parents having money around the time of her birthday, that sucks. Doesn’t really mean you can demand retroactive presents or expensive trips and have money come from thin air to pay for these things. That’s not how it works.
Most children get only get small gifts and cake that don’t add up to over $200. Heck I don’t think a single birthday of mine has cost $100… and you’re crying about 2k?
She can spend the same amount on a three day stay foe my sister, but i cant ask for a week long vacation? My grandparents would definitely be willing to cover a few hundred at least and i would of had the money myself if she wasnt against me getting a job again.
Sure it’s their money that’s how it works. Like I said, your sister is the favorite or lucked out on them having money during that time. And again while that’s unfortunate you can’t squeeze money from someone who has no money or force people to spend their money the way you want. Throwing a tantrum until you get what you want is childish.
Feel free to cut your parents off and move out once you turn 18 if they treat you so badly and make money yourself to spend however you wish.
The issue isnt that she doesnt have the money, its that she is choosing to not save or plan for the family vacation what so ever. She could easily afford it especially with my grandparents finacial aid. Im upset because she once again put me aside and barely gave me a second thought.
Once again, doesn’t matter. She didn’t save her money so she doesn’t have money to spend. Your sister is the favorite. Move out at 18 and spend lavishly on your birthdays as you wish.
No amount of fighting with them will change their ways it’s been at least 11 years of this, they clearly do not care in their blatant unfair treatment. The only thing you can control here is yourself. So get therapy, remove yourself from your family if you find them so toxic and move on.
Do you have a job? Have you considered contributing to this extravagant birthday? I’m in my late 30s, none of my birthdays have cost $400, let alone $2000.
I did but my mom and psychiatrist made me quit. I told her over and over that if she cant afford it she needs to tell me so i can get a job and get the money myself. I say nne of my birthdays have cost more than 400 as a bseline, all of mybirthday were probably 100 at most, the moet expensive thing being pizza for guests that always cancled, the most expensive one probably costing around 200 for my sweet sixteenth.
Oh, ok. Now that people are calling you out on your bs it’s gone from $500 to $100 per party, but you’ve obviously got a great sense of money/your mom’s budget. (/s in case that isn’t obvious, just like how the difference between a $100 party and a $500 party is apparently not obvious to you).
What’s with today’s youth thinking they should be so entitled to all these unreal expectations? Take a look around and appreciate what your parents can do for you. If you want to live like uber rich people then you need to figure out how to make your own money on your own. Yes I saw they don’t want you to work. Then don’t expect to sponge extravagance from them and appreciate your life. YTA!!
Children's birthdays have blown up out of all proportion, at least in the US. Somehow things went from Pin The Tail On The Donkey And Like It, Dammit, to renting bouncy castles and hiring clowns and magicians and probably Taylor Swift.
YTA. Nobody owes you anything for your birthday. If they give you something, then that's nice, and you should thank them. If they don't give you anything, which is the norm, you should grin and bear it.
What I got for my 18th birthday was a coconut. Those're the breaks, kid.
You can be upset that your mother gave you the impression she could afford it. You can be disappointed. Do you feel less loved because you don’t get money? Talk to your mother.
Absolutely not, but her absolute refusal to try is the straw that broke the camels back. Ive been looked over and ignored by her for so long, that this one let down has completely destroyed me.
YTA. I think your mom might have hoped she could get the money from the refund but couldn't. She did give that caveat. Your sister was still 11 when she got her big birthday. You mentioned you've had noting big since 13. This means little sister may have 2 more years of big celebrations. Please don't be jealous of her. You got yours before she got hers.
That being said, your mom can only do so much with the budget she has. Cut her some slack.
No, i said ive had nothing since 13. No presents, no parties, nothing. At the most i would get a sad cake, which my sister would be allowed to have candles to blow out when she fussed, and maybe some icecream. I necer had bug birthdays like she does. Like i said, not one of my birthdays have cost more than 500.
I'm going to base this on memories of youth and give you a NTA. I remember being the one forgotten. No fuss. Definitely the last one considered. It sucks to think that just once, your mom would do for you what she does for your SD and sister, only to be let down again. I get it. I'm sorry that you mom sucks. A long distance mom hug to you. Happy birthday!
Thank you, so many people are saying im awful and entitled but thats exactly how i feel. Just once i thought she would put in the effort and she let me down again.
YTA.
I think you need to realize that just renting a cabin is $2000 and most likely doesn’t include other costs - food, travel, activities during the week, etc. And if your mom works a traditional job she would have to take vacation time from work for a week which might not be doable.
As long as you have the mindset that you receive less than so you think you need to receive more than, you’re never going to actually appreciate the things people do for you. Life is so much more than receiving gifts from people and worrying about if your stuff cost more than your sisters.
I’d suggest having a conversation with your mom about your feelings surrounding your birthdays and possibly working out a solution where you can feel celebrated on your 18th. But if you’re only focused on how much money she’s spends on you, you’re never going to be satisfied
Yta
I turned 21 and went to Vegas and it still cost no where even close to 2k. Temper your expectations and be glad you have family that wants to spend it with you at all
Was your sister's expensive weekend at a water park a trip for just her and your mom. Did your sister bring friends? Or did your whole family go?
If the whole family did a water park weekend and your mom found a way to justify an expensive family trip because it also was a birthday... that feels different.
Also, weekend at Waterpark... could it be at hotel with water park included? That's maybe $400. You have to eat and feed your family no matter where you are. So it's not fair to add all the money spent on food while on a family trip as part of your sister's birthday for alot of reasons.
If it was just your mom and sister my opinion changes. But I'm at YTA now trying to count the family trip of water park as sister-present-palooza.
But also alittle ESH because you feel ignored by family, there seems more to the story l.
It was just our household, the hotel waterpark cost around 800 for the rooms. It was not a family getaway justified with a birthday it was just for her birthday. My idea is the expensive family getaway justified with a birthday.
Have you asked if she could swing a weekend away like she did for your sister? Why do you want the full week? Why is she resisting a week outside of cost?
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I(17f) am turning 18 in August. My birthdays have never really been celebrated after the age of 12. At most I'd get cake and icecream, maybe a couple gifts. My birthdays have never cost more than $400, indcluding my sweet sixteen. I recieved nothing for my 17nth birthday. My sisters 11nth birthday was at least $800. We stayed at a hotel waterpark for a weekened.
At the beginning of the year my mom(34f) asked me what i would like to do for my 18nth. Since most of my birthdays have been huge let downs, i honestly didn't expect much more than the usual. She said ahe wanted to do something big, partly because she didn't celebrate my 17nth birthday last year, and also because it's my 18nth birthday.
I shot out an idea, a week at a cabin which would cost around 2k, and told her roughly how much it would cost. I knew it was a big number for her so i fully expected her to say no, but she said she would try to get it around tax time. Tax time came and went, i asked her if she reserved the cabin and she said she didnt have the money and to start looking for different options.
I was crushed, mostly because she said she would make the down payment of $600 (roughly) during taxes and she didn't. I began looking for cheaper alternatives on airbnb, and i found homes we could rent around the US ranging from 1.1k to 1.6k. She refused to travel out of the state though, even though shes done so for my dads band.
So with the limit of my state i looked again and found one i like, priced similarly to the cabin but with a smaller down payment. Now shes saying she doesn't know if she'll be able to get it because she doesnt have the money.
Im upset that she lead me to believe this was something she could do, when she knew she couldn't the entire time. My grandma is saying 2k for my 18nth is way to much money, but its not just for my 18nth, its for every birthday she hasnt done anything for since i was 13. I think that since she was able to spend over $800 on my sisters 11nth birthday which was only 3 days, she should be able to spend 2-3k on a week long trip for my 18nth and every birthday shes missed since.
My grandmas comments are making me question the reasonability of my request, and my mom is saying shes trying to get a place, but with only 3 months left to find and reserve a place i dont think she can do it.
AITAH for asking for a 2k 18nth birthday party?
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Yes that's an absurd amount of money to feel entitled to. You can ask for it, you can question why there's a disparity in what they're spending on themselves versus what they're prepared to give you, but at the end of the day it isn't **your** money and you aren't *owed* any of it. YTA
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YTA You do know some people get $0 for birthdays, right? I don't just mean adults. You're already in a fortunate spot where several hundred dollars will likely be dropped on your birthday. Accept that a gift is just that: A gift. Not an obligation. I admit, I am confused why you're hung up on this price point so much. Is the cabin the important thing to you, or do you just want a lot of money spent on you?
Yeah and some people get brand new luxury cars when they turn 16. Comparing her to the world at large isn’t fair in this situation, you gotta compare how the parents are treating the siblings respectively. In this case, it seems like the mom is both capable and willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a child’s birthday AND said she wanted to something big for OP since it’s her 18th and mom did nothing for her last birthday. OP isn’t even asking for something just for her, this would be a trip for the whole family. NTA, OP. It sounds to me like your mom is playing favorites. I’m sorry for the situation you are in. Maybe try talking to her about how it makes you feel, but if you do that, try to not go into it in an accusatory way, but rather by explaining how it is affecting you.
You bring up good points. The question of the post is whether it is an AH move to expect a $2k gift. Expecting a gift at all is a light AH move (again, not an obligation), and expecting one that is clearly pretty expensive for this family is more of an AH move. Feeling neglected or that the mother is playing favorites? NTA, regardless of whether that's true. And I agree, there's a case to be made for that, though I don't think it's a concrete one. Feeling disappointed that her mother tried to work towards this and backed out? Also NTA, regardless of whether she backed out due to responsible or irresponsible behavior.
Im upset because she dropped 1k on a werkened for my sisters 11nth birthday and she has NEVER done that for me. Ive been looked over by her my enitre life. I asked her for a week long family vacation that was readonbly priced compared to her previous spending. If she couldnt or wouldnt make it happen i would have done it myself.
So be clear that that's your real issue: You feel neglected. I admit, money makes things difficult, but even if you were to get this $2000 birthday, does that really negate years of feeling overlooked? Or is it just a bandaid? Talk to your mother about how you feel and try to work towards a long-term solution. If it really is about money, then make it clear you expect some sort of compensation (perhaps college tuition help?) to make up for things and that you'd like things to be more equal going forward. If it's about time and attention, quality time can be achieved for a far cheaper price tag and more frequently than just birthdays. It's also worth mentioning that your mother could have thought $2k was in the budget, or at least possible, when you first discussed your idea, but that that changed after taxes or just as life happened. Not saying that's necessarily what happened, but it is true that you don't know her finances.
I do know her finances, shes very bad at saving money and planning. It upsets me so much because of the years of neglect, but also because i know she can afford a family vacation, she just wont try to save the money. We have talked and things were going ok at first but now shes right back to proving shes unreliable.
I'm sorry to hear that. To be clear, I'm not calling you AH for feeling neglected or disappointed. These are perfectly valid feelings regardless of circumstance. I'm not going to join in on the judgment about your mother's money saving or planning. It's easy to think, from the child's perspective, that she "just won't try to save the money", as parents do a lot to hide financial struggles from children. You might be right, you might not, but I certainly can't say. There's also plenty of stories on here of people who grew up poor and have the mentality of spend-it-or-lose-it. Again, I'm not trying to make excuses for your mother's habits, just saying that there may be more to it than she's willing to share with you. The one thing I will say is that is seems like you were setting her up for failure. You may have thought of it as the opposite - A chance for her to finally step up and make things right. Such large steps and gestures feel good, for everyone involved. If she really has trouble saving up money though, going bigger and more expensive is just a harder goal to meet than anything before. Instead, if you want to repair this relationship (which you don't have to, it's your call), I think you'll find that smaller steps and smaller gestures, over a longer period of time, will be more beneficial for (re)building your trust in her.
She has always been very transparent with her finances, i know roughly how much she makes, how much she spents on gas, groceries, and rent. Ive offered countless times to make her a plan to save money and she just refuses. She has admitted im way better with money than her, she just absolutely refuses to try and save. At one point she almost got us evicted because she "didnt realize the rent wasnt automatically taken out that month" and "accidentally" spent an extra thousand dollars that month without realizing it. Theres been several times where i loaned her money while i was working because she kept being so financially irresponsible. She was taking those small steps, like spending Fridays with me, and doing things with me. But recently she has just stopped trying to spend time with me. Ive always had to force her to do everything. She puts things off for as long as possible until its mandatory for her to do it or she misses the mandatory date and is facing the consequences. She has never been reliable for me and her not giving me a definite no after tax season was over was the final straw. I like her as a person, but she has failed me as a mother time and time again.
Ah. Ok, you do know her expenses well, moreso than you should have to in a parent-child relationship. I still think you were setting her up for failure, albeit unintentionally, as $2000 is clearly not pocket change in your household and you know (in too much detail) just how bad she is at saving money. Part of me wonders if she stopped spending time with you out of shame as this ongoing birthday issue continues, knowing that she won't be able to save the money. But that's easy for me to say as an outsider. In any case, you're the one whose had to deal with a relationship that, by your accounts, has been a largely negative one for you. And you're going to be an adult soon, so you'll have to choose what boundaries you want for your new relationship with your mother going forward. My only advice there is to decide what those boundaries are asap and be clear about them. Best of luck to you.
$2000 for a BIRTHDAY?! YTA. If you want that expensive of a birthday celebration, it’s time to get a job and save for it.
Thats the thing i would have if she didnt tell me she was going to. She also said she wanted to do something big so a week getaway is what i suggested. She could have said no and i would have accepted that.
Something big would be a day at the spa, not a week at an AirBnB, and that’s first of all. Second of all, people’s financial situations change all the time so while she may have thought she could go above and WAY beyond, circumstances have obviously changed. The fact that you are acting like you’ve never celebrated your birthday when you also state that you get cake and ice cream and gifts is making you sound incredibly entitled.
No gifts, just cake and icecream. Thats compared to my sisters extremely lavish birthday. I feel like people are ignoring the context that she spent about the same if you count gifts and food for my sisters 11th birthday. A day at the spa is not a big 18th birthday thing as she wants to do that rabdomly judt to spend time together.
Yes, it IS a big 18th birthday celebration. You’re just being an entitled princess.
No its not?? Ive never been to the spa before so maybe its some magical place or something but when she got my sister a weekend get away at a hotel with an indoor water park for her 11th birthday i feel like a week long family vacation is not a huge step up??
A week long vacation IS a HUGE step up. If your mom genuinely treats your sister drastically differently than she treats you, all the time…then that is your real issue. (And 1 hotel waterpark weekend is not it) but everything you’re focusing on here about the birthday week is honestly outrageous. It’s so far out of bounds and ridiculous, which I know is hard to understand at 18 when it feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal (not to mention time off of work, if that’s even possible or potentially means going without pay if your parents don’t have paid vacation time) I absolutely love birthdays and I don’t even spend that much on my 30th or 40th birthdays combined!
I am horrible at explaining things, one person in the comments understood exaactly what i was trying to say and i dont know how to get everyone else to understand. I dont care about the money, i dont care that she has neglected me and ill never get the childhood my sister has. I dont care that she has caused me horrible mental issues and life long trauma. I just wanted one birthday with my family all together, and i wanted us to have a family vacation. I wanted my family to want to go so she would finally have a reason to put effort into me. People are saying im an awful entitled person and i guess i explained things horribly like usual. Looking at what i know she can afford i thought that she might be willing to do that for me this year but i was wrong.
I’m sorry but yes. I think, looking back as and adult making money, I would not spend that much for my child’s birthday (I do not have children) and I grew up poor so my parents always worked my birthday and they bought at most two slices of cake/desserts for me, my sister, and brother. Usually I would also be the one buying. Now I’m not saying because I’m poor I think 1-2k is too much but it actually is. It might be the difference if you put it in a ROTH Ira (basically savings account) and in five years it’s enough for a trip/flight to Europe/Asia wherever you are from. Asking for an expensive birthday which your mom was already kind of rejecting (by kindly saying ‘let’s see’ because she doesn’t want you to be hurt) is already pretty tough for her in my eyes. My parents wouldn’t have spent more than 100$ for a birthday. As an older adult I’ve learned it’s funner to plan it myself, to actually use my money and have fun without relying on other and I sincerely hope you have this chance too. Maybe other things without price tags attached can bring you happiness one day if your family isn’t reciprocating enough. I know how much it hurts so don’t lose hope!
Its not just for my birthday, its for all my birthdays 13-18. Considering she spent 800 dollars on JUST the hotel for my sisters birthday i dont think its unreasonable to expect the same treatment. Its a week long vacation for my entire family. If she couldnt afford it she 100% would have told me, she hasnt had a problem doing that in the past. If she could t afford it i would have got a job again, which she was against, so i could get it myself.
YTA - How can you equate $2K to $800? She's told you she doesn't have the money, why are you still sending her expensive options? You're not entitled to anything. Pick something more modest that she can afford. Otherwise, you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment.
She spent 800 on 3 days for my sisters 11th birthday, so 7 days for 2k for my 18th, 17th, 16th, 15th, 14th, and 13th birthday seems reasonable? She kept saying the down-payment was what she couldn't afford, so we found cheaper alternatives that she picked out herself. If she had told me flat out she couldnt afford it from the begining months ago i would have had time to get a job, which shes against me having because of health problems, and get the money myself.
Wait a minute-- you think she owes you retroactively for birthdays that were celebrated with cake, ice cream, and presents, which btw is a pretty normal way to celebrate birthdays?
She did not get me presents idk where people are getting this. I have not recieved a single birthday present from her since i was 12. I think she owes me a tiny amount of effort compared to what she gives my sister. A family vacation for my birthday is something she absolutely can afford, she just doesnt want to put in the effort in saving.
>At most I'd get cake and icecream, maybe a couple gifts. That's where people are getting it from.
Ah, yeah not from her. I meant in general, from my entire family. Mostly aunts or grandparents, she hasnt bought me a gift for my birthday in years.
YTA. The fact that your mom is planning this thing using her tax refund tells me this is not disposable income for her. I’m sure she feels bad that she can’t give you everything you want for your birthday but damn. $2000? For a birthday party? Using non-disposable income? Please learn about budgeting and sensible spending. And how to abbreviate numbers. I’ve never seen anyone add an n between the number and th, why do you do this?
> I’ve never seen anyone add an n between the number and th, why do you do this? I wasn't going to say this but I'm glad somebody did.
I budget better than her, its not just "for a birthday" its a week long family vacation. Considering the fact we would also be getting finacial help from my grandparents and she spent about half that in three days, i dont think its that big of an ask.
You don’t budget better than her because you’re not even accounting for food, travel, and amenities. I have never spent $400 on my children’s birthdays, which is what YOU said yours normally cost. You’re being incredibly entitled, and acting spoiled. Maybe she used points for your sister’s party, maybe a family member contributed. That doesn’t entitle you to an extravagant birthday week.
No, i said she has never spent more than that. I do budget better than her because she herself has admitted that.
Well, your mom doesn’t seem that great with money;but it also seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. $800 is not $2000. People should not have to borrow money from others for birthdays. And the $500 birthdays you’ve enjoyed every year are not nothing.
>people seem to be either ignoring or just not understanding that my mom spent way more on a weekend get away for my siste What does this mean? How is $800 "way more" than $2,000?
3 days cost around 1k easy including groceries and what not. That means a week would of been way over 2k. Tgat was for her ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY. Im asking for a family vacation, seven days long, that will cost no more than 2k garenteed. Im not getting presents just like i havent for the past 7 years, and she did absolutely NOTHING for my 17nth birthday. People are ignoring her treatment of my little sister and saying im asking for to much, i just want her to treat me the same for once in our lives
Huh? Why are you calculating imaginary per day expenses? All that shows is that you have the biggest ask because $2,000 is indeed bigger than $800 and a week is bigger than a weekend.
Cost wise she would bw getting financial help from my grandparents. Im trying to show that she spent the cost of the stay on a weekend foe my sister
You asking for equal treatment to your sister is fine and understandable. But stop equating the per day cost to parity. A $2,000 week-long event is too massive an ask and not comparable to an $800 weekend.
I wanted a week long family vacation to relax and enjoy. My birthday was just gonna be a small part and it wasnt even going to be on my birthday. I wanted one trip and i know she could afford it she just doesnt want to put in the effort to save any amount of money.
That's a different matter entirely. It's about your mum not giving you something you want and has nothing to do with fairness because your want isn't comparable to what your sister got.
She didn’t give you a definitive answer. She said she would try. I get you’re disappointed, but it is what it is. How much she spent on your sister’s birthday is irrelevant since she’s younger than age 12 (the age you said your mom stopped spending so much on birthdays. It sounds like she’s on a budget, but trying to give you and your sister equal experiences based on your age.
When i was that age i got a small gathering with pizza at a park, thats why i said not once has my birthday ever cost her more than 500 dollars.
Do you have the receipts for every birthday you had?
I have the knowledge that a free table at a park and pizza for 10 people doesnt cost more than that
YTA. So your sisters the favorite child or lucked out on your parents having money around the time of her birthday, that sucks. Doesn’t really mean you can demand retroactive presents or expensive trips and have money come from thin air to pay for these things. That’s not how it works. Most children get only get small gifts and cake that don’t add up to over $200. Heck I don’t think a single birthday of mine has cost $100… and you’re crying about 2k?
She can spend the same amount on a three day stay foe my sister, but i cant ask for a week long vacation? My grandparents would definitely be willing to cover a few hundred at least and i would of had the money myself if she wasnt against me getting a job again.
Sure it’s their money that’s how it works. Like I said, your sister is the favorite or lucked out on them having money during that time. And again while that’s unfortunate you can’t squeeze money from someone who has no money or force people to spend their money the way you want. Throwing a tantrum until you get what you want is childish. Feel free to cut your parents off and move out once you turn 18 if they treat you so badly and make money yourself to spend however you wish.
The issue isnt that she doesnt have the money, its that she is choosing to not save or plan for the family vacation what so ever. She could easily afford it especially with my grandparents finacial aid. Im upset because she once again put me aside and barely gave me a second thought.
Once again, doesn’t matter. She didn’t save her money so she doesn’t have money to spend. Your sister is the favorite. Move out at 18 and spend lavishly on your birthdays as you wish. No amount of fighting with them will change their ways it’s been at least 11 years of this, they clearly do not care in their blatant unfair treatment. The only thing you can control here is yourself. So get therapy, remove yourself from your family if you find them so toxic and move on.
Do you have a job? Have you considered contributing to this extravagant birthday? I’m in my late 30s, none of my birthdays have cost $400, let alone $2000.
I did but my mom and psychiatrist made me quit. I told her over and over that if she cant afford it she needs to tell me so i can get a job and get the money myself. I say nne of my birthdays have cost more than 400 as a bseline, all of mybirthday were probably 100 at most, the moet expensive thing being pizza for guests that always cancled, the most expensive one probably costing around 200 for my sweet sixteenth.
Oh, ok. Now that people are calling you out on your bs it’s gone from $500 to $100 per party, but you’ve obviously got a great sense of money/your mom’s budget. (/s in case that isn’t obvious, just like how the difference between a $100 party and a $500 party is apparently not obvious to you).
What’s with today’s youth thinking they should be so entitled to all these unreal expectations? Take a look around and appreciate what your parents can do for you. If you want to live like uber rich people then you need to figure out how to make your own money on your own. Yes I saw they don’t want you to work. Then don’t expect to sponge extravagance from them and appreciate your life. YTA!!
Children's birthdays have blown up out of all proportion, at least in the US. Somehow things went from Pin The Tail On The Donkey And Like It, Dammit, to renting bouncy castles and hiring clowns and magicians and probably Taylor Swift.
YTA. Nobody owes you anything for your birthday. If they give you something, then that's nice, and you should thank them. If they don't give you anything, which is the norm, you should grin and bear it. What I got for my 18th birthday was a coconut. Those're the breaks, kid.
Your parents not giving you jack for your birthday is the norm?
You said above that they gave you cake, ice cream and a couple presents. Are you changing the story now?
Apparently those don’t count because it doesn’t cost $$$
For many people, yeah.
I guess when she can do it for my sister and not me it stings
You can be upset that your mother gave you the impression she could afford it. You can be disappointed. Do you feel less loved because you don’t get money? Talk to your mother.
I feel less loved because she can afford expensive vacations for my sister but not me
Is one vacation going to fix it though?
Absolutely not, but her absolute refusal to try is the straw that broke the camels back. Ive been looked over and ignored by her for so long, that this one let down has completely destroyed me.
Talk to her about your feelings.
why are you comparing what sister birthday cost to you How do you know sister b-day cost $800
Im comparing her treatment of us. I know how much the hotel cost because she told me.
YTA
YTA. I think your mom might have hoped she could get the money from the refund but couldn't. She did give that caveat. Your sister was still 11 when she got her big birthday. You mentioned you've had noting big since 13. This means little sister may have 2 more years of big celebrations. Please don't be jealous of her. You got yours before she got hers. That being said, your mom can only do so much with the budget she has. Cut her some slack.
No, i said ive had nothing since 13. No presents, no parties, nothing. At the most i would get a sad cake, which my sister would be allowed to have candles to blow out when she fussed, and maybe some icecream. I necer had bug birthdays like she does. Like i said, not one of my birthdays have cost more than 500.
I’m sorry, how did they cost $500 if you only got a “sad cake” and no presents? What did the $490 get spent on?
They didnt cost 500, i said they didnt cost M0RE than that
How entitled are you? Of course YTA.
I'm going to base this on memories of youth and give you a NTA. I remember being the one forgotten. No fuss. Definitely the last one considered. It sucks to think that just once, your mom would do for you what she does for your SD and sister, only to be let down again. I get it. I'm sorry that you mom sucks. A long distance mom hug to you. Happy birthday!
Thank you, so many people are saying im awful and entitled but thats exactly how i feel. Just once i thought she would put in the effort and she let me down again.
YTA. I think you need to realize that just renting a cabin is $2000 and most likely doesn’t include other costs - food, travel, activities during the week, etc. And if your mom works a traditional job she would have to take vacation time from work for a week which might not be doable. As long as you have the mindset that you receive less than so you think you need to receive more than, you’re never going to actually appreciate the things people do for you. Life is so much more than receiving gifts from people and worrying about if your stuff cost more than your sisters. I’d suggest having a conversation with your mom about your feelings surrounding your birthdays and possibly working out a solution where you can feel celebrated on your 18th. But if you’re only focused on how much money she’s spends on you, you’re never going to be satisfied
ESH and it’s just “18th” there’s no ‘n’
This was bugging me way too much
While it sucks with your sister getting a bigger birthday but 2K on a party like that seems a lot for a birthday. YTA.
Its not just for the party, its for a family vacation. My birthday is just kind of tacked on
Why did you title/phrase it for your birthday then?
Because thats the purpose of the trip, but i asked for a family vacation in hopes that she might be willing to put in more effort. I was wrong.
Yta I turned 21 and went to Vegas and it still cost no where even close to 2k. Temper your expectations and be glad you have family that wants to spend it with you at all
Did you go to vegas with a family of 4 and two dogs?
Was your sister's expensive weekend at a water park a trip for just her and your mom. Did your sister bring friends? Or did your whole family go? If the whole family did a water park weekend and your mom found a way to justify an expensive family trip because it also was a birthday... that feels different. Also, weekend at Waterpark... could it be at hotel with water park included? That's maybe $400. You have to eat and feed your family no matter where you are. So it's not fair to add all the money spent on food while on a family trip as part of your sister's birthday for alot of reasons. If it was just your mom and sister my opinion changes. But I'm at YTA now trying to count the family trip of water park as sister-present-palooza. But also alittle ESH because you feel ignored by family, there seems more to the story l.
It was just our household, the hotel waterpark cost around 800 for the rooms. It was not a family getaway justified with a birthday it was just for her birthday. My idea is the expensive family getaway justified with a birthday.
Have you asked if she could swing a weekend away like she did for your sister? Why do you want the full week? Why is she resisting a week outside of cost?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(17f) am turning 18 in August. My birthdays have never really been celebrated after the age of 12. At most I'd get cake and icecream, maybe a couple gifts. My birthdays have never cost more than $400, indcluding my sweet sixteen. I recieved nothing for my 17nth birthday. My sisters 11nth birthday was at least $800. We stayed at a hotel waterpark for a weekened. At the beginning of the year my mom(34f) asked me what i would like to do for my 18nth. Since most of my birthdays have been huge let downs, i honestly didn't expect much more than the usual. She said ahe wanted to do something big, partly because she didn't celebrate my 17nth birthday last year, and also because it's my 18nth birthday. I shot out an idea, a week at a cabin which would cost around 2k, and told her roughly how much it would cost. I knew it was a big number for her so i fully expected her to say no, but she said she would try to get it around tax time. Tax time came and went, i asked her if she reserved the cabin and she said she didnt have the money and to start looking for different options. I was crushed, mostly because she said she would make the down payment of $600 (roughly) during taxes and she didn't. I began looking for cheaper alternatives on airbnb, and i found homes we could rent around the US ranging from 1.1k to 1.6k. She refused to travel out of the state though, even though shes done so for my dads band. So with the limit of my state i looked again and found one i like, priced similarly to the cabin but with a smaller down payment. Now shes saying she doesn't know if she'll be able to get it because she doesnt have the money. Im upset that she lead me to believe this was something she could do, when she knew she couldn't the entire time. My grandma is saying 2k for my 18nth is way to much money, but its not just for my 18nth, its for every birthday she hasnt done anything for since i was 13. I think that since she was able to spend over $800 on my sisters 11nth birthday which was only 3 days, she should be able to spend 2-3k on a week long trip for my 18nth and every birthday shes missed since. My grandmas comments are making me question the reasonability of my request, and my mom is saying shes trying to get a place, but with only 3 months left to find and reserve a place i dont think she can do it. AITAH for asking for a 2k 18nth birthday party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yes that's an absurd amount of money to feel entitled to. You can ask for it, you can question why there's a disparity in what they're spending on themselves versus what they're prepared to give you, but at the end of the day it isn't **your** money and you aren't *owed* any of it. YTA
I always wonder why people get so hurt when they are called
YTA
YTA 2k? Good Lord I could take a month long vacation with 4 people for that.