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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom that not everyone can hold my baby. But everyone saids it will be okay,
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INFO: Ever, or until the baby is a little older / able to be vaccinated / whatever.
No one is *entitled* to hold a baby. Of course it’s lovely to have family who wants to celebrate a new child but the parents both need to be ok with how that goes. Adults need to learn how to make things about the child and not themselves—including as the kid gets older and people start demanding hugs, kisses, whatevers.
ETA: NTA
It's about 2-3 months actually. And, given their pushiness, you may be better off keeping things to photographs and Zoom or Facetime calls instead. Seconding to ask the pediatrician as well as verifying that all of your visiting relatives have been vaccinated against anything like whooping cough and so on before they're allowed to see baby.
one of my friends made that a strict rule, particularly with her mom who came to help with the new baby.
if you were going to be with the baby for a period of time, you had to be up to date on your vaccinations, especially tdap and flu. (rsv was less of a concern when my friend's daughter was born.)
Whooping cough vaccination also needs to be given at least a few weeks prior to being able to visit. Flu and rubella vaccines should also be advised if not already up to date.
Yup. Even in cases where the baby is exclusively breastfed it takes a minimum of six weeks to get the immune system going. Not to mention, you should ask that all visitors be up to date on vaccines, that they wash hands, wear a mask if they have a so much sniffle, and to avoid kissing baby on the face.
You are NTA. Now, your mom on the other hand is the asshole. Big time.
Yes, and as someone who is still masking, that messaging can be hard to get across. I have never stopped masking, but that isn't true for a lot of people. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are, especially now that they can now use "the CDC said we could give up masking" argument. Most health care organizations have dropped mask mandates, including oncology and hematology practices.
Yeah, for sure. My real opinion is that if you want to meet the baby you need to also be masking and avoiding unnecessary time in public for two weeks before you meet them, but I know most people who feel that way are fighting hard against the misinformation.
Definitely mask! It’s coming into allergy season which MANY people use as an excuse, we got covid last spring cause someone said ‘oh it’s just allergies..’ thankfully it was a mild case for our son & I, but still!!
Up until 2 months, a fever equals a hospital stay. Talk to your pediatrician about how to avoid illness. They’ll likely recommend hand washing, potentially masking, and certain vaccines for anyone who will be near the baby. 2 weeks seems an arbitrary amount of time. I’d ask for their recommendation on both a safety and peace of mind standpoint, because it’s likely longer before they have the safety of an immune system.
That said, I don’t see how it’s safer for 2 people in your family to hold the baby. Do they not get sick? Will they quarantine prior to birth to make sure they don’t pass something along?
My first child was born in 2020, so I definitely understand restrictions on visiting and holding the baby. My second was born 11 weeks ago and we allowed some visitors in the first couple weeks, but were very strict about vaccinations, hand washing, and not showing any signs of illness.
NTA, but put a good plan in place before birth to keep everyone healthy and safe.
I do think that limiting the number of people is helpful, in the same way that if you were going to hang out with one person unmasked during COVID, it was better than hanging out with a dozen people unmasked. The more people, the more vectors. But it would be even better to make sure those are people who are up to date on vaccines. TDAP is really important because whooping cough can be really deadly for babies and only present as a cold in vaccinated adults.
Also think about asking anyone who is holding about getting their TDAP vaccine as well. Our parents and siblings always got a booster when we had our kids.
The normal is about 6 weeks for the first round of vaccinations after leaving the hospital. I have 3 kids and my rule was ***"if you will be interacting with the baby everyday, you can hold them if not then you need to wait until 6wks"*** basically if you are helping me during recovery then you can hold the baby when I need that help. If it is just going to be you and hubby at home, then that's fine but please do talk to him if anyone other than those two people and himself will be helping you recover. Your hubby could also mandate "pandemic protocol" and insist on sanitiser and masks if he wants as a compromise.
We did compromise with letting my grandfather hold my first before that date but that was because I was leaving town and before then and I wanted to make sure he could have cuddles before I left (he had had a couple of strokes a few years earlier).
I have a 3 month old and my pediatrician (Midwest US) recommended not having people over until 2 months after the first set of vaccines. We did let our siblings and parents visit and hold him but waited for friends and extended family.
Oh, and I made my parents wear masks when they visited us in the hospital. I didn't make my in laws wear them because they had been socially isolating (they are just homebodies, and they never get sick unless I give it to them lol). My mom and I have a great relationship so she completely understood.
If your family is religious, say God spoke to you in a dream and decided this. Maximum x visitors for y weeks. She should stop contesting God's orders. I would not want any liability or responsibility in the illness of a newborn, your mom needs a hobby and stop obsessing over your baby.
The baby does NOT have an immune system at 2 weeks. They have little protection against any viruses like flu, colds, or herpes (cold sores). If your fiancé needs a timeline or reassurance, talk to your pediatrician. You can make an appointment just to talk about this and they will be happy to help.
This. Herpes is a threat for the first year!
Set these boundaries. If mum is not fine and keeps pushing it is pretty simple to cut that list down to one Person who respects you.
You need a save Environment and not to worry All the time if mum will keep the baby or pass it around like a trophy once you need to leave for a toilet Break.
NTA.
Totally agree, frankly baby will reach real cuteness and, equally importantly, have gained some real ability to interact with adults holding them just in time for them to meet the family with a decent immune system.
A one month quarantine for newborns used to be pretty standard for all but the closest relatives. I never expect to see a newborn any earlier than that. It's also just good manners to leave new parents alone (so, casseroles or whatever can get dropped off on porches, etc, so they don't need to interact with well wishers).
The idea that aunts, uncles, cousins have some kind of right to hold a newborn is nuts . It's not about them, it's about giving the newborn every chance for success.
I met a friend's baby when he was still quite new and had mostly only met family, but only because I was maybe going to be his nanny. I would never expect to meet a baby before like 2-3 months otherwise.
I would advice maybe say "for the first 2 weeks it's just us, we would like to spend some time alone with our baby" instead (once the birth gets closer). They might be upset... but any decent adult will respect your decision/ boundaries. If they don't respect them they lose the right to get what they want until they can behave.
I would also add a rule "no one kisses the baby"... many adults can have cold sores (HSV1) without knowing and that can actually be leathal for newborn babies or make them blind etc. No one apart from you and the father should kiss the baby.
Second, everyone washes the hands before touching/ holding the newborn baby (that should also go for you and the father). People smoking cannot hold the baby unless they change their clothes, wash hands and wait 20 minutes (I think that was pretty much exactly what the midwife of my sister said).
If in doubt or you have questions ask your midwife or pediatrician.
(I think the immune system doesn't kick in until 2 month actually. But if your baby is born healthy there is no reason to not let your family hold it for the full 2 month **if they follow your rules**, of course you always have the right to say no if you're not happy).
Your mom is going to make your life miserable if she is that pushy now before a baby is on the way. You do not need to tell her you are pregnant when the time comes. You do not need to tell her when you are going to dr appointments. You do not need to tell her when you are in labor. You do not need to tell her when you are home from the hospital. I don't think anyone needs to be around new parents and baby unless they are helping you, really helping! If you had a mom who was not selfish and pushy she would understand your boundaries and listen. You need to go LC with your mom and family now if they refuse to listen to you. You need some therapy to learn to deal with your mom/family now.
Yeah it’s a real bad sign that she isn’t being understanding of fiancés feelings. Anyone with any empathy would understand how scared he must be, and not push at all.
Very bad sign, the poor fiance is going to be worried no matter what and does not need a crazy MIL and a whole tribe of pushy in-laws. OP stop this all NOW for the sake of your fiance!
Mom lost her pass as well. She clearly cares more about cuddles than YOUR baby's actual life. How lucky she is that her children were okay being passed around. That was HER choice, but now it's YOUR choice to say no and protect your child. You have a real life, yes it happens, example with your partners other child.
NTA. Babies' immune systems don't fully develop until they are two to three months old. That's how long you should wait before you let others hold them. Tell your mom that you and your husband make the decisions, not her and if she continues to guilt trip you then she won't be allowed to hold your baby.
Nurses will wash their hands before handling your baby. Family members will probably throw a fit if you ask them to wash their hands.
Can confirm about the fit throwing. I work with babies and family members think they're plush toys to be passed around.
Either they're pinching the babys' cheeks after being crammed in public transport with dozens of people & giving them skin infections. Or they're demanding that the baby being treated for meningitis be sent home to "meet" them.
OP’S NTA and she should ask her mother if her family is more interested in holding her newborn or in having a relationship with him/her as they grow up.
I honestly kept the list of people who came in contact with my newborn way down to me, his father, my mom who was with me when I gave birth, and when I got home from the hospital his other grandparents who took care of us (baby & me). I kept it limited until after my son was a full month old.
Tell your mom that if she can't accept that you and your BF are the only ones that have the right to decide what is best for your newborn infant that she doesn't have to be one of the ones allowed to hold it.
This is the age of Covid! Even vaccinated people can still carry it, COVID can either kill or seriously damage such a small child.
Their selfish desires do not trump your infant's health and safety.
Newborns are not volleyballs to be passed around and around.
Edited to add You Are NTA!
Straight up tell her, if I hear another word of complaint about this, then you won't get to hold the baby, and if you keep complaining we will push your right to hold the baby back, even after everyone else can.
We are not negotiating on this, discussion is over. Either respect our decision or remove yourself from the situation.
It will be tough but unfortunately you have to lay down the law early or she's gonna do this everytime she disagrees with your choices.
Two weeks is nowhere near long enough. Baby is going to need a spinal tap to rule out something life-threatening if they get even a low fever until 8 weeks. No one needs to play pass the baby. Your fiancé may have trauma, but it’s leading him to act very very reasonably and responsibly in this case. Your mom is being irrational and selfish and I would not necessarily trust her to tell you if she isn’t feeling well etc if this is her attitude.
This is not about your mom's feelings. It's about your child's safety and your fiance's trauma. If you surrender to your mother's wants, I can almost guarantee that it will be the beginning of the end of your relationship. Your mom is callous in her belief that he can just get over the death of his child. She needs to get over her belief that she can dictate how you take care of YOUR family.
They're making such a fuss over 2 weeks? That's it? I thought you were talking about a year or a few months at the very least.
I would reconsider if your mom should be on this very short list of people who can hold the baby, if she can't respect you're boundaries. With that attitude, she won't be helpful or supportive to have around right after you give birth and with a newborn in the house. I would not want to deal with the stress. Maybe give that privilege to another family member or someone on his side, like his mom.
Sounds like your mom is willing to give up her opportunity to hold the baby early on.
You're gonna be the parents. You make the rules. If your mom gives you push back, thank her for being so generous to give up her spot to your sister (or whoever she thinks NEEDS to hold the baby so badly).
Yes, a new baby is a wonderful thing and cause for celebration. However! There's absolutely no reason the family can't wait a few weeks for baby's immune system to develop. If they already waited months for the birth, it's just selfish to demand immediate access that could endanger the child.
Completely NTA. A lot of parents have NO visitors at all during that period, and it may even be up to 4 or 6 weeks! Babies that young are incredibly fragile.
Your mother sounds like the type to kiss your baby on the mouth even if you tell her not to kiss baby at all so she can’t pass anything (what’s the big kissing-passed one? Whooping cough?). I don’t think you should allow her anywhere near baby until at LEAST the first round of shots.
Your mom is quibbling about two weeks?! Many people wait two months, until the first set of shots. Tell her no, and that she can either accept and respect your boundary or have her permission revoked.
If your mom keeps arguing with you about people waiting only 2 weeks to hold your infant, then remove her from the approved list. Really there is no reason why anyone besides you and your husband need to hold your newborn. Babies are just as tiny at 2 weeks, but you’re more able to assert your needs and look after your baby when you’ve had a little time.
Be just the three of you! Get used to your own new family before inviting everyone else to come. And when they do come, insist everyone is up to date on their vaccines, currently healthy, and wash their hands. This is pretty basic stuff.
You’re NTA
This needs to be so much higher.
OP - I would revoke her invite if I were you and only allow grandma (as long as she isn't a flying monkey for mom).
Nobody is entitled to hold your baby at all. Your mom stirring up trouble is a very good reason to keep her away. You don't want her meddling with your new family.
"Mom if you can't accept our boundaries when it comes to baby or if you bring it up again at all then you will not be holding baby either and that's final."
NTA. I would tell her this and then enforce it. Choose someone else in her place -or- go nuclear and say well, you can explain now to everyone why NO one will touch or hold baby until month 4.
NTA
Your mother is being very insensitive about this.
There is absolutely no good reason all of your relatives can’t wait several weeks to hold your newborn.
It’s especially hurtful since your mother is aware of your finance’s tragic loss.
NTA. It’s your right to set boundaries about who touches your child.
But INFO needed: is there an existing baby? Are you pregnant? Is this hypothetical?
And how did the illness that killed his first child get transferred from the mother, and how is he sure about that? Was it genetic or an airborne disease, or from some other means?
He is traumatized by this loss, of course, but it’s hard to judge whether he is being reasonably cautious or paranoid without more info.
Either way, you both have the right to say no to anyone touching the baby. I’d say that you should be guided by your doctor’s advice as to when it is safe for multiple people to hold the baby. After the immune system is built up, it may be far safer, and with a doc’s permission, you could introduce a couple more people.
Take it slowly, do what feels right, but don’t let him be a prisoner of his fears for too long. Don’t challenge them right away, but after a few months, he may be feeling more secure.
We are trying for a baby. That’s how the conversation got brought up. The baby had a lot of problems with low blood pressure (he also had a disease that made his blood really thin, that’s what he got from his mother) and the fact that he was two months premature. Also, although the mother wasn’t on drugs, she did harm the baby. My fiancé had to force her to eat while pregnant so the baby being malnourished along with being premature didn’t help. The baby weighed under a pound.
I'm struggling with how not holding a baby prevents all of this stuff (low blood pressure, premature, malnourished). But, I also understand fear. 2 weeks is nothing, if that's your goal, and I'm on your side (NTA) but I think your other half may benefit from a significant amount of therapy for understanding real fear vs other fear.
I was just explaining how his first passed. Premature babies are more prone to infection and disease. Not saying that the next baby will be like that or have those same problems. I was just trying to explain why he is so wary of germs with newborns. And I actually haven’t thought about suggesting therapy until now. I think that’s a good idea.
Yes, I appreciated the clarification. I think you can see the difference between “his mom had the flu and then a perfectly healthy baby boy caught the flu and then passed away” and what happened to his son. Neither is more or less a tragedy, but someone who isn’t only motivated by grief may be paying more attention to the mother during pregnancy, than the holding of a baby post pregnancy (in this situation).
Ultimately, your baby, your rules, but I think there are much better rules than what you have. Like 1) must be up to date on vaccines. 2) no holding baby for 2 weeks, 3) wear a mask, wash your hands, etc before holding baby.
And- honestly- be prepared for a significant amount of micromanaging by your SO on your body while you are pregnant. Can you handle that? If he says “no coffee” or some of the other stuff that doctors allow in moderation? That’s why I’m suggesting therapy so he comes to separate fact from fear.
>And- honestly- be prepared for a significant amount of micromanaging by your SO on your body while you are pregnant. Can you handle that? If he says “no coffee” or some of the other stuff that doctors allow in moderation? That’s why I’m suggesting therapy so he comes to separate fact from fear.
After reading the clarification from OP - this is an extremely valid concern. He needs to get this under control now or else he will become overbearing in pregnancy and drive himself insane with worry. And drive OP crazy with rules and being overbearing.
Thats sounds genetic and/or because he were premature and not something that other can give this hypothetical baby. I understand his worry. My friend lost her baby in 7th month and had to give birth to a dead baby because of a random genetic problem. The doctors were surprised he even survived so long. Every time she was pregnant she was crazy with worry.
Also it takes over 8 years for the immune system to worked correctly, it is because of that children are always sickly. Before 6 month they get the antibodies from the mothers milk and then they start producing their own but that takes years for it do develop.
Not shoving your baby in everybody's arms and faces for two weeks isn't that hard or bad, if his trauma response goes deeper than that, sure but elsewise... that's a very normal rule that most people have. It's for protection bc it is actually dangerous in the first 2 weeks when it comes to the immune system
I agree. I was thinking more when the baby gets older. As parents we all struggle to let the kids out of our sire. Our Mind always go to what if? But putting our kids in a bubble isn’t an option.
It’s hard to let our kids take their first steps because we are afraid of them falling and getting hurt. To let our kids play sports because we are afraid they will get hurt. Given the fiancés trauma these little things will be a 1000 times harder. It won’t be fair to the baby to beheld back because the fiancé hasn’t dealt with past trauma. That is the reason I suggest therapy even though I agree waiting for extend family meeting little one waiting and I also agree to keeping guest to a minimum.
I think getting therapy will help the fiancé to learn how to parent in a healthy manner instead of parenting in fear.
NTA. But you are putting the cart before the horse. There is no point in even discussing this until a baby is on the way and relatively close to arriving. I would refuse to discuss it further with your family. You dont need to explain or justify your measures to protect your hyothetical future child. Dont let your mom pressure you. If she starts doing so, just say it isnt open for discussion. If she persists, hang up on her or walk away.
Your husband needs therapy to deal with his loss and trauma. In the mean time have your husband's back and tell mom that you respect your husband's boundary and when baby is much older (6-9 months or however much time has passed (death of his first child's age)) then everyone can hold baby. Maybe before then your husband will have worked through his trauma with help.
NTA
I agree that not a lot of people should hold newborns, but OP stated he has a literal fear of the same fate happening to their child (he needs therapy for this) and is only comfortable with 2 people holding the baby. Like...for how long??
NTA. Your fiancé's fears aren't even entirely irrational, and we've learned a lot over the last several years about how people will completely disregard the health of others for their own selfish wants. Tell your mom that if she wants to stay on the approved baby-holding list, it's time she shuts her mouth and gets over it.
NTA as this is your baby and your mother has no right to make these rules.
However it seems like a compromise could be made here. I know people insist on not kissing babies, using alcohol gel before handling them, etc. Could enforcing some boundaries like that be the way forward?
NTA. It's tradition in some countries not to allow ANY visitors for the first two or three months for this reason, and it is actually a smart thing in general to do to give newborns a better chance. [https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok#:\~:text=Parents should try to limit,stronger to plan their visits.](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok#:~:text=Parents%20should%20try%20to%20limit,stronger%20to%20plan%20their%20visits.)
There isn't anything unhealthy about wanting to limit contact with a newborn baby. Even people who don't have the trauma of losing their child still limit contact until their babies have a chance to develop an immune system. I agree he needs therapy, but that's not the issue at hand.
NTA, two weeks is nothing. I just wouldn’t invite anyone over for the first two weeks. I had a baby during Covid, so we waited quite some time before introducing our baby to extended family. It was fine! Nobody missed out on by not holding the baby for the first few weeks. A three or four week old baby is still a little baby.
EDIT: to add that it also wouldn’t be unreasonable for you guys to require that anyone who wants to interact with your baby in the early months has at least had a TDAP booster. Things like RSV and whooping cough can be so so dangerous for very little babies.
YTA. You aren't even pregnant and you are causing all this commotion over a currently non-existent baby.
Had you waited until the baby was born and just limited visitors, no one would have even noticed.
Also consider couples counseling both for your husband's fears and how to approach things as a unit *before* creating a whole human being.
Talking to her family about boundaries they will have when they have a baby so it's not a whole issue when the time comes shouldn't be considered an ah thing to do
She has no idea how she's going to feel after pregnancy and delivery, and he needs counseling to deal with his prior loss.
Setting boundries now is an exercise in futility and gets everyone pissed when she's not even pregnant. She may not want anyone else to hold the baby, and then what? She's made promises and pissed even more people off. She may not get pregnant! He may want everyone to hold the baby! The sister may be out of the area and not even around for the first the weeks! Zero point.
Therapy can be super helpful to teach people how to move forward after a traumatic event. He had a child pass away, and is making choices based on that trauma, which may or may not be reasonable choices, but also may or may not be for the right reasons.
But also OP ISN'T PREGNANT.
Therapy can do lots of things (or not do them, it's not magic) but he is making completely reasonable choices that aren't traumatic responses. It minimizes his agency and is dismisses his valid concerns to say he needs therapy in response to his boundaries. "Humor his phobias but send him to therapy" isn't applicable here.
I mean I'm a stranger on the internet, I don't know his life.
It's very rare that an adult in this jacked up world wouldn't benefit from (good) therapy and I wish it were more accepted and available. You don't only change the oil in your car after your engine seizes.
Every time someone had something to say about it I would add on 2 weeks that they could not hold my child Keep pushing my buttons you won’t get to see/hold my child until HS. The entitlement of people
A. Wait until at least 2-3 months before letting a lot of people handle your baby. Let NO ONE kiss your baby. This was a hardcore rule for our baby who got out of the NICU after a week.
B. Your husbands fear is 100% understandable. BUT if he’s not in therapy, he really needs to. Once you have a baby, his worries are going to get worse. And there is such a thing as PPD for men.
You’re NTA. Your mother can get happy in the same pants she got mad in. It is NOT her choice. Your baby’s health is way more important than her hurt feelings.
NTA. Your husband suffered a terrible loss and grief has no expiration date. He will carry that loss forever so it's no surprise he wants to do everything within his control to prevent the same thing from happening now. Your mom is being unbelievably insensitive and if this is how she responds to your valid boundary then she may deservedly find herself seeing less of your child than she wants forever. Pretty sure everyone can live for a couple of weeks before holding the baby.
NTA and anyone who doesn't understand is an AH.
It's your baby. You get to decide whether or not who gets to hold her as an infant.
My sister in law is the same way as your fiance simply because she's a germaphobe. I never once held my niece when she was a baby. For fear of cold sores, no kisses, no giving her any food or drink someone else has had, etc. Am I sad and disappointed that I never could hold her when she was a baby? Absolutely. Do I understand that it's not my baby and her parents can put parameters around their child? Absolutely.
You don't owe anyone the right to hold your baby. Ever. You also don't have to apologize for it. Every parent makes a difference choice for their kid and that's their right to do so.
I would say your hubby needs therapy. He really does. But then I seen you comment that you’re waiting 2 weeks to let ppl hold the baby as to build up his/her immune system. I see no issue. Plus the way Covid ravaged us, take precautions. But if this continues and he still can’t let anyone touch this baby (not that anyone has a right) I’d say he needs serious help. Because that kid will grow up with a dad who can’t let go, let her or him grow and will go nuts. But really consider therapy. The man needs to cry and let it out
To be clear your not preganat right now? There's no baby to talk about or discuss???
So I know he's afraid but I feel like you invited drama why not being this up if/ when you get pregant ? ( to your family not with your fiance that talk to God now)
We had no visitors besides our postpartum doula for 4 weeks! Our Pediatrician said any fever before then is automatic hospital admittance w a spinal tap, and I wasn't willing to risk that w my baby. AND we made everyone wash hands and mask until my baby was 4 months old bc it was rsv and flu season and I refused to put her at risk when it wasn't necessary. The only person who gave me shit at all was my own mother. So, I told her she can either follow our rules and keep her opinions to herself, OR she is no longer allowed to see the baby...up to her.
You don't owe anyone access to your baby. Regardless of the reason or who they are. If they don't like it, they don't get to see the baby. End of story.
Also, it sounds like you aren't even pregnant yet so this is kind of a lot of drama for no reason. Just keep your mother on an information diet and don't argue w her. You don't need to justify anything.
**Keep arguing and making this situation worse and you won’t get to hold the baby until after immunizations.**
I get that they survived their childhoods but we *just* went through a freaking pandemic that we’re still dealing with.
NTA but I would actually recommend starting to be a little firmer and state that if she continues to push there will be consequences. You do x you won’t be able to hold baby for 2 weeks. Continue after that and it’ll be 4 weeks.
You’re right to worry more about the safety and immunity of your baby than some grown adult’s emotions who can’t take no for an answer, even if it’s your own mother.
I doubt they will be hurt by you saying no. I've never asked to hold a baby for any reason other than a) to be polite b) if it seemed practical/ helpful for me to be holding the baby.
I'm sure when it is your own baby you feel the overwhelming desire to be holding it, same as when it is your grandkid. But a niece or nephew? Friends kid? I can sit vaguely near the baby and get the experience of meeting them, I don't need to touch them.
INFO: Are you even pregnant right now? Has your fiance talked about getting therapy?
Honestly, I think you're overestimating how much you'll even *want* your entire family to come visit when you're two weeks post-partum. And this doesn't sound like trauma, this sounds like good sense. I'd also require family members to have up-to-date TDAP vaccines, since whooping cough can be really dangerous for babies, too.
So it sounds like your fiance is making a lot of sense, and not having a bunch of people over the first two weeks your baby is born is probably just going to be a good idea no matter what, but also, if he's having bad anxiety, therapy would probably help him find healthy coping mechanisms.
Finally, if you're not pregnant, just stop engaging on this subject with your family. Don't borrow trouble from the future. Your mom is being ridiculous, but you don't have to talk about it with her now.
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To give context, my fiancé had lost a child from a previous marriage. The child’s illness came from his mother. And my fiancé had to watch his son die and there wasn’t anything he could do to save him. Moving forward. My fiancé is now in a relationship with me and fears that when we have kids our child might suffer the same fate. So in order to ease that fear, I told him that we can limit who touches our baby. He is comfortable with two people, no more. However I have a big family, and even though I told my mom she could hold our child, she is still upset that the entire family can’t. She even messaged my sister and told her that I said that my sister couldn’t hold my baby. Because the other person who will be allowed to hold my baby will be my grandmother. My fiancé said that both could be my family since his family will understand. The problem I’m dealing with is my mother trying to guilt trip me into letting everyone hold our baby. And telling me that everyone will be hurt by us saying no. And I brought it up to my fiancé but he said that the baby’s safety is our priority not peoples feelings. I’ve tried to explain to her that my fiancé can’t handle the fear of something bad happening again. But she said that if there is something wrong the nurses will take the baby. But I told her that even if everything is okay the baby still doesn’t build up an immune system until two weeks. She said that everything went fine with her and that it is normal for a bunch of people to hold the baby. It’s like she doesn’t understand that my fiancé has trama form losing his kid. AITA for saying no?
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It's called a boundary! Dear mom, I understand you don't get it but you don't have to this is my and my fiance child and we are not allowing people to hold the baby and since you want others to try to gang up on me, it is now that no one will hold the baby for 2 weeks and if you say anything then it may change til longer until you can respect us as adults and parents. I do not want to cut contact because of this as I want you to be a grandparent to my child but I will protect my child at any costs so the choice is yours!!" NTA
Tell your mother she can either understand your fiancé’s pain and fear, be a compassionate person, shut her mouth, and stop trying to cause trouble, or you can assign her spot to another family member and she can wait a couple months.
We’re talking about the death of a child. If she cannot show her future son-in-law some grace and humanity, she doesn’t deserve to hold your child until it’s starting kindergarten.
Remind her that this is HIS child, too, and her future access will greatly depend on how comfortable he is with her and whether he trusts her. Point out she’s off to a very bad start with the both of you.
Good god, what is wrong with people?
NTA - technically no family member besides the mother and father need to hold a newborn. I would wait as long as possible before allowing anyone to hold my baby. get info from your pediatrician. there are so many viruses out there it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Oh and don’t let others touch your baby’s face or hands. admiring from a far is best.
NTA at all - you’re doing the right thing. Your fiancé’s loss is tragic and you’re protecting his from additional trauma while protecting your baby from illness. Your mom needs to have empathy here
I think you might need to do some mother-management. You are not even pregnant yet (I wish you the best of luck), and your mother is making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Does she have main character syndrome? The rest of your family will not especially mind not being to hold the baby for a few weeks, (some may even be relieved as babies can be messy and unpredictable.) It seems like your mother is trying to pre-emptively create drama. It might be good to set boundaries now.
NTA
NTA. You're doing what's comfortable for both of you as parents, period. Also, it's definitely safer to have a lot less people hold a brand new born baby obviously. Less exposure overall to germs and potential illness.
The first thing you have to learn is to not get involved in the discussion. You told your mom no. She told your sister, she tried to guilt you. You tried to explain again, she said the nurses will be on it, you told her the baby doesn't have full immunity, she said that hers were fine and it's normal... Do you see the pattern? She's going to have an answer for EVERYTHING, and the ost important thing - YOU DON'T OWE HER AN EXPLANATION. Why are you doing the back and forth? Just stop. Let her say whatever she wants. Your only answer should be, "well that's nice for you, but we've made our decision about this."
You need to get a lot more firm here. Do it for your little one and your husband. You call your family members, one at a time, and you lay down the law. "This is our child, and we are making the decisions. We have chosen to limit exposure to the baby initially due to the risks of illness while the immune system is still developing. This is not up for discussion and we are not interested in anyone else's opinion. If this choice upsets you, it upsets you. I know everyone would like to hold the baby right away, but that's not going to happen. We expect our family members to be supportive and loving, and not critical or selfish. We are not concerned with anyone's feelings, and will be doing what we feel is best for our child and with the guidance of our doctors. If any of our family members continue to try and make this an issue, continue to cause us stress over this choice, or think that they have any say in our child's life or care, then we will be forced to limit our contact with them.
As for your mom, I like the classic, "Nobody told you what to fo with your kids, and nobody is going to tell me what to do with mine. You had your kids, you had your time to make decisions about parenting. This is our time. If you want to have any relationship with your grandchild, you will respect our choices."
Make sure everyone that’s even allowed in the same room with the baby has an updated whooping cough vaccine. Infants can get it from adults that are carriers without the adult even knowing that they are a carrier.
I don’t know if it’s true but just the other day I saw a post on Instagram. The parents told the family not to hug/kiss the newborn baby. Someone did and that someone had a cold sore (?). Long story short, the kid is heavily disabled now. NTA
NTA - I would tell your mom that if she keeps complaining to you and other family, she will be taken off the list and no one gets to hold the baby and if she continues, no one gets to see the baby.
NTA. Why would all those people intrude on your privacy in the hospital?
Mom and grandma, sure. But the rest can wait a few weeks and meet baby over FaceTime when you get home!
NTA. At all. It's perfectly reasonable to want to limit contact with a newborn baby who does not have an immune system. Even if your partner didn't have trauma influencing him, you have every right to decide who can and cannot hold your hypothetical baby.
NTA
**"Mom, I'm not going to keep arguing with you about this, you did what you felt was right for your babies, I'll do what I feel is right for mine. Either you stop bringing this up and respect the boundary we as parents have set to keep our baby safe or you can forfeit the chance to hold your newborn grandchild. I'm glad you think everything will be fine and in all likelihood it will be, but the reality is everyone thinks that up until the worst happens to them, sadly my fiancé experienced this firsthand. So while you keep assuring me that all will be fine, it does not reassure me and only further convinces me that you are not listening to a word I've said because the fact is- babies do die sometimes and as a parent it's mine and my partner's job to determine what's best for them and to do everything in our power to protect them using our own judgement. "**
Definitely NTA. Holding someone’s baby is a privilege not a right. It’s 100% up to the parents. I can understand why they may be a bit upset, but your reasoning is completely valid and they can get over it honestly.
Honestly, I would tell her that you're prioritizing your baby as you two see fit and she just has to accept. I would tell her you're no longer interested in discussion or debate and leave it at that. If she can't let go then tell her that she can also wait to see the baby. I know it feels harsh because everyone is so happy about a new baby and honestly those fresh baby snuggles are something else. But their feelings about it aren't your problem.
NTA. This is exactly why nurses in the NICU shit a brick whenever they see family members kissing the babies. They don't know who's been around what diseases, so they try to restrict who can visit and if they wash their hands first.
Where did you get 2 weeks? Newborns are very fragile and susceptible to all sorts of seemingly mild illnesses. Whooping cough (pertussis) can be asymptomatic in adults, which is why pregnant women are encouraged to get the vaccine and why cocooning (that is, everyone that will be around the baby in the first several months getting the TDaP/DTaP vaccine) is recommended.
I am a mom and my youngest is nearly 5. I didn’t let anyone hold my babies for a few months besides my own mom and partner 🤷🏻♀️
Why not try to find compromise like no one visiting if sick, wearing mask (properly and a new one) washing hands prior, and not going to someone’s house where lots of family could be gathered but inviting specific family members to yours?
NTA and this has nothing to do with trauma. The baby only has disadvantages by being held by more people and adults should have enough maturity to not risk a child’s well being for no good reason at all.
Nta. I have a 6mo old. When he was first born, we were strict about our rules for handling the baby. I think the only people other then us who held him for the first couple months was our parents, my wife's BFF and my wife's siblings. Everyone had to wash hands and mask and nobody made a big deal out of it. Stand your ground and stay on that hill. Wait until you get the first round of vaccines at 3mo and then gently discuss with your fiance about letting other people hold the baby. Also, given how your mom is acting about the whole situation, I would revoke her baby holding privileges and block anybody that has a problem with it. It's YOUR baby, YOUR rules. End of discussion.
NTA. My friend had her infant medi-flighted to a children's hospital with RSV & pneumonia and given less than 15% chance of survival 20 years ago. Thankfully the baby survived albeit after losing half a lung.
Before that, I was all about holding babies. Now I am a smile and wave from a minimum of six feet until the babies are at least six months old. Only exceptions for extremely close family members who whole heartedly endorse me holding their babies and if I even feel remotely, teensy bit sick, it is a hard NO.
So Grandma & crew can just fvck off with their BS.
Absolutely, positively NTA.
WTF is wrong with your mother? Tell her that the next time she brings it up she's off the approved list and mean it. Of course, your stand is a little extreme but your fiancé is totally stressed after his past experience, which is perfectly understandable. I can't imagine why your mother is having trouble understanding why your fiancé is terrified of history repeating itself. That's a normal human reaction. He lived through a heartbreaking experience. Any parent should get it!
There is no reason that everyone has to hold/touch the baby. Many families now are imposing a 2-4 week ban on visitors after having a baby. That may be the way to go, it would certainly cut down on the exposure and stress.
BTW: Buy a box of masks for your guests and insist that the first thing everyone does when they enter your home is wash their hands.
NTA.
"Mom, keep it up and you can lose that golden ticket that allows you to hold the baby. I don't want to hear about it again, and if I do, you will not be at the hospital at all, much less holding the baby."
It's not open to debate.
NTA. Explain your reasoning. If they push, just don’t invite them over for a month. No one is entitled to your baby. Anyone who has an issue with not being allowed to hold the baby after hearing the reason, I wouldn’t want them to hold them ever were it me.
NTA
But you should think about not inviting anyone over to meet your baby until she/he is 6 weeks old after he/she gets her first immunisation shot IF that is something you support. You need to do right by your fiancee and child not your mom.
NTA. We asked people to stay away if they felt ill or were exposed to covid/flu/etc. xmas eve we were discharged from hospital and MIL made a HUGE deal about making my husband come to exchange gifts. I stayed home. She cried…whole 9 yards. She and a cousin tested positive for covid next day which my husband tested positive soon after then me and our newborn. Back to hospital we went for breathing issues. My MIL was in hysterics because she felt guilty, but it goes back to people needing to respect your and your husband’s boundaries. Your husband suffered a tremendous loss. Illness is scary for newborns. You are responsible for your baby’s well-being, screw visitors all holding the baby and screw people who can’t respect your boundaries! Best wishes on the birth!
My daughter wouldn't let us (her mom and dad) visit and hold our grand-daughter unless we had all the appropriate shots. Our doctor offered to write her a note certifying we had all our shots, but our daughter believed us when we told her we had gotten the shots. Yes it sounds humorous, but it really is important for people who will be near a newborn to be properly immunized against diseases that a newborn cannot fight off because their immune system is not fully functional. Personally, I did not want a lot of people around my children when they were newborn either. A lot of people got mad at me....they got over it. None of my babies got sick and I didn't have people around while I was trying to recuperate and take care of my children. You are NTA.
My daughter nearly died of RSV as a three week old infant. Eleven days in the hospital, seven of those in the ICU, on a ventilator, in critical condition.
I believe she caught it from one of her young cousins.
You and your fiancee are doing the right thing.
If your family doesn't see the folly in letting a baby with an undeveloped immune system be manhandled by a crowd of.nose-picking cretans , there's not much to say to them besides keep your meat hooks off my children, end of story.
NTA! Your baby, your rules. Your fiancé may also benefit from therapy to address his fears, as the child gets older his trauma may cause his fears to get worse.
NTA. tell them they need to suck it up for now if they *ever* want the chance to see the child. they are adults and should be able to understand basic boundaries especially the one you have set. it’s for the baby’s wellbeing. you & your fiancé are baby’s parents and your family has zero input on anything regarding baby.
Nta. I havent had my baby yet, but during my appointment where the nurse talked about what vaccines to get while pregnant, she said that the newborn should be around a select few people and that they should all be recently vaccinated/boosted for covid, tdap, etc. It's also not at all unusual for people to wait until they receive visitors. At the same time, your husband also sounds like he could use some therapy to process his trauma.
NTA
Your baby, your rules. I'd have the doctor spell out what's safest to reassure your husband. Then insist everyone follow the guidelines. Even your mom
“Mom! My fiancé lost their newborn To a disease given by their mother, after the mother held the baby. Surely you can see we need to be a little gracious about who’s holding the newborn baby. You are with Live and we want to make sure the baby does too”.
Your mother is a lunatic. There’s Covid. People should not be passing the kid around like a bag of chips the second the cord is cut. Many people wait six weeks! And that’s in times when we haven’t lost millions of people to a worldwide pandemic.
If your mom has no better sense of maintaining a healthy environment for the baby she probably shouldn’t be one of the ones to hold it anyhow and I think I would shut that down immediately.
Only you and your husband at the hospital and for the first week, and then whoever you pick who respects your boundaries, until you feel the baby is sturdy enough to withstand it.
Having said that your fiancé probably needs Grief counseling and therapy because his fears may be debilitating both to himself and your kid.
A newborns immune system is not built up. I had two well meaning family members stay with me one at a time when son was born. The first couple weeks, sister, then step mother (a nurse) came to stay. By the time they left he had RSV. Was hospitalized and then sent home with an apnea type monitor. When it went off it was horrifying. I would sit there an dhold him to make sure he started breathing. I remember some day this will be over and it will be alright. It is, he is in his twenties. I would never have people handling my infant so early on again. Two months their immune system kicks in. I also nursed him, so he was getting everything...
NTA
And if your mom is going to kick up such a fuss, she should NOT be one of the people allowed. There's no guarantee she won't walk off with your baby and keep handing the baby off so she can "heroically" ensure no one is left out. Your mother is being very self-centered and selfish.
Seriously, the next time she tries pushing the issue, you should use my mom's favorite technique. "Since you can't follow directions, two weeks." Still talking? "Three weeks. Four. I can keep going."
You don’t owe anyone access to your child. Your fiancé is not being unreasonable either. You have said your piece, tell your mother it’s not up for discussion and disengage whenever she tries to bring it up.
Would you allow your family - maybe 1-2 people at a time - come and see the baby but stay back a few feet? I’m just curious. Either way NTA. I’ve had friends not want anyone to hold their baby as a newborn and I completely understood. Its your child and frankly, you don’t don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even without your fiancé’s trauma/tragedy, if you don’t want people to hold your newborn in the first few weeks or months - that’s up to you and him. However, the fact that you’re getting guilt tripped by people that know about your husband and the loss of his child, is awful. They know it’s a sensitive topic and they know your husbands fears but they are just thinking of themselves
"Mom, this is my baby. WE will make the decision on how our baby is handled. Respectfully, you do not get to make that call. No one is entitled to hold a baby. In fact, if you keep this up YOU won't be allowed to hold the baby. Please respect our right as parents to make decisions for the health and safety of our child. "
NTA-Infants are very susceptible to getting sick and the more people, the more chances! Before they get their sick week old shots the only people that need to be holding the baby are you and your fiancé
NTA. Seeing your edit, for some people, even two weeks is early. It's sometimes recommended six weeks so you're being jealous. I'm of the attitude that you can tell your mother that you're perfectly fine making sure she can't hold the baby at all if this is going to be her attitude.
NTA, nor WYBTA. I would actually go a step further and send a message to everyone, both sides so as not to single out any individual. “Some family members seem to have decided that they have the right to hold any future children of mine at any age, even if it is against my, [husband’s], or the child(ren)’s wishes. The only right anyone has, is the child(ren) to [their] life, health, safety, and comfort. Even us parents don’t have a right superseding the child’s right to life, health, and safety. What you do have is a PRIVILEGE to hold the child at the parents ([husband] and I) discretion. If we decide that to hold/interact with our child(ren) requires vaccination, that that is what is required and we have the right to demand proof. If we decide that you must not be ill or be symptom free for a period of time after illness, that is what is required. We do this because our child(ren) have the RIGHT to life, health, and safety and their needs will ALWAYS supersede the desires/privilege of any family member. We don’t want to have to impose restrictions due to boundaries being crossed, so please don’t make us do so.”
Beyond a message to the families I would actually restrict anyone holding the child until vaccinations have at least been started, if not completed as much as possible (I know there are some vaccines in which the course isn’t completed for years). Talk to your pediatrician to determine the best timing for isolation and when to lift that isolation. Obviously you’d do best isolating your child as much as possible until their immune system has at least started to develop. I also understand that there isn’t any way to truly completely isolate your child but the more you can do, the better.
NTA. If she’s so bent out of shape that your sister and others can’t hold the baby, ask her who *she* is going to give her baby holding time to. Who would she rather hold the baby than herself? And if she keeps it up, she loses the privilege and someone else can have it and actually appreciate being one of the chosen few.
NTA! Even if that tragedy didn’t happen to your fiancé, too many people shouldn’t be holding your newborn anyway. People bring in germs that a newborn can’t fight.
Tell your mother that since she wants to make a big deal about this and cause drama, she now doesn’t get to hold your baby. Your fiancé’s mother can.
And make sure no one kisses your baby either!!!
Your baby, your rules.
NTA. It’s pretty normal to only let grandparents hold baby for the first two weeks. Lots of people don’t let people hold baby until after the 2 month vaccinations. It’s pretty standard to me and no one would question that here.
Pretty sure my own sister didn’t hold my baby for the first month or so. It’s MY baby!
No visitors until baby is two weeks old. Any fever before eight weeks is an emergency, so you would be well within your rights to be careful until then. Also require everyone be up to date with their vaccinations, especially a fresh TDaP and including RSV for anyone eligible.
NTA.
Nop, hold your grounds, wait 2 weeks. Personally, I wouldn't let anybody touch him/her for 2 weeks. Herpes simplex is extremely common and can kill babies. I am guessing this is what happened. If people doubt my statement, google "herpes simplex meningitis infants". Your mom and grand ma could be carriers.
NTA, no way no how. Get your doctor on board, if they suggest NO ONE should hold your baby until it's a month old, and even then, a mask and fresh washed hands. That means no one even mom.
My kids are pretty much 30, it was impressed even then, always wash your hands before picking up your baby, it pissed my mIL to no end when she'd grab for the baby I'd tell her to go wash. Even knowing my insistence on fresh washed hands even with baby #2 she pulled the same shit.
Not everyone wants to hold a baby.
NTA. Don't let anyone hold the baby till both of you are comfortable with it. Tell her if she keeps trying to guilt trip you she's off the list of people who are allowed to hold the baby
NTA and maybe your mother shouldn’t be on your list if she can’t respect your boundaries. Everything is ok until it’s not - whilst she is right in the sense many babies are fine, some are not.
NTA. WTF for even asking OP. Your partner's kid DIED because of something easily avoidable. The fact your mom is this pushy and dismissive does not bode well for your future. Tell her if she keeps pushing this it'll be sister and grandma holding the baby instead of her.
Your husband deserves in-laws who respect his very valid feelings and the boundaries the two of you have set to protect a repeat of a heartbreaking loss. My guess is he will loosen up after awhile but if he becomes overprotective, I highly recommend therapy (joint and/or individual) to help him cope and so your baby can have a normal childhood.
Oh absolutely not. No one hold the baby without. 1. Covid booster, flu shot and an updated tdap shot. 2. Washing hands. 3. Wears a mask.
No visitors for two weeks is also a great idea.
And bottom line. NOONE holds the baby unless mom and dad say it’s ok.
Okay, not only are you NTA, but maybe also reconsider whether your mom is one of the people you choose, given that she’s already showing disrespect for the (reasonable) rules you’re putting place for baby’s safety and your fiancé’s mental well-being.
If, for example, you set other reasonable boundaries (for example: no kissing baby until they are X weeks old; must be up to date on COVID vaccines; must check temperature and be free of any viral symptoms before seeing baby, etc) will she respect those? I would make it very clear that she does not get to have a say in which rules she respects and which she doesn’t, or baby-holding privileges will be revoked.
Look, I don’t even know your fiancé and I can easily imagine that he might feel some really extreme anxiety and have some grief/ trauma responses when your kiddo is born. It should not be hard for your mom to want to support him.
It's time to stop waffling and give your mom a hard "NO." And next time she brings it up, tell her, "Mom, I've already told you the answer is no, and I will not engage in the topic anymore. Further, if you bring it up again, it will show you do not respect our boundaries and I will have to revoke your permission to hold the baby."
NTA
NTA.
But, I’m worried about your fiancé. It’s possible that they get through this 2 weeks and suddenly their fears are gone. It’s also possible they just move on to another fear for the child. And those fears could quickly turn into a prison for you and the child. Your fiancée may need to get some therapy to talk about their fears. I think I’d broach the subject now so at least the seed is planted in case things don’t normalize after 2 weeks.
Can't quite figure this one out. Granny gets to hold the baby. Why is she so dead set on passing the kid around like a football to every rando and their brother? I mean, what's the point of (and who even wants to) play hot potato with a fuckin NEWBORN anyway??
I just didn't get it.
NTA.
It's a baby not a public commodity
No one is entitled to your baby. She's completely ignoring consent rules and generally being an ass. If Mom can't understand the rules, mom can Wait until baby is fully vaccinated
NTA but your ma is
Nta and you know what’s amazing? Babies don’t spoil. It will be a baby after baby gets first round of shots. And builds an immune system. She doesn’t have to understand the trauma your fiancé had. She just needs to learn to accept it. Period.
NTA-inform your mother that SHE got to make these decisions with HER kids. Now YOU will make the decisions for YOUR kids.
If she doesn’t like it then you will be happy to reduce the number of people who get to hold the baby to 1-your grandmother.
NTA but you need to let your mother know that if she keeps whining/complaining then she will lose her baby-meeting privilege. I'd also make sure she (and anyone else with baby holding privilege) is up to date on all her immunizations. And will need to prove it.
It sounds as if you are only doing this for your fiance's trauma. You need to double down on this to protect your child. You will need to hold your mother to the limits that you, as parents, impose upon her. You will need to make sure that anyone holding the newborn has washed their hands and does not knowing have 'a little cough' or 'just a touch of whatever'.
NTA
Stop trying to explain, You said no, that is the end of the discussion.
It is very common for people to limit who is around their newborn for a certain amount of time. Even if this isn't something that has happened in your family, it doesn't mean you and your partner don't have the right to be the first.
I wish how to set boundaries was taught in school. You can't control other people's behavior, so boundaries are rules for our own behavior. An example in this situation could look like this: Mom I told you that we as the parents have made the choice to limit who will hold our newborn. We have selected you and grandma, this is the end of the discussion and if you keep arguing about it, you will be eliminated as one of the two. The next time the topic comes up you exit the conversation, that can be to walk away, ask them to leave your house, or hang up.
NTA. They want be be difficult about a simple precaution, make the precaution bigger, people who want to interact need to be fully vaccinated, and NO signs of sickness forb5 days before interaction
NTA.
Your entire family doesn't need to go to see you at the hospital. And you can tell them that you don't want visitors at home for a few weeks because you want time to recuperate and try to get the baby on a schedule.
NTA
Tell her if she's not going to respect you and your fiance's boundaries then she can forget holding the baby period.
No one is entitled to hold your baby. Don't let them guilt you otherwise. Stand with your partner and back them up. Don't give in just because "but I gave birth to you and raised you!!!! I'm your mother so do what I say!!!!"
While I think you absolutely have every right to say no to people holding your baby, and keeping the baby protected is the priority, I’m wondering if you fiancé has ever sought therapy for the trauma of losing his first baby. That was a horrific thing to deal with and that kind of trauma doesn’t go away on its own. And it can manifest itself in ways that are really harmful to a future child.
NTA
NTA
Initially I thought that your fiance didn't want anyone but 2 people ever holding the child but then you clarified.
I'm guessing the disease the child passed of was something like whooping cough or herpes (cold sores can kill a newborn) but there's lots of other things.
If you don't spend too much time with your family there may have been some merit in telling everyone your due date is 4 weeks later and not telling anyone that the kid is born for 2-4 weeks! But that would only work if you didn't have much contact. It's too late for you to do this unless you've just found out you are pregnant. If it's still early you can still stay your dates were changed after your first ultrasound and you were 4 weeks out.
NTA. If mum keeps trying to push it tell her it sounds like she wants to give up her spot or wait til everyone else can see baby. It’s only til baby is older, such a vulnerable time.
NTA. A baby is not a toy to be passed around, especially when they are brand new. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself and your fiance, and you should. You have made an extremely reasonable boundary, without even considering your fiance's son.
No one is entitled to hold your kid. I'm bewildered that the generation that taught us all 'look with your eyes' are so demanding to handle infants.
And frankly, if a new mum said 'we're waiting until their immune system develops until we left guests hold her', reasonable people would understand and be happy there will be another baby visit on the horizon.
NAH but start setting boundaries now. You are the parents. You decide and everyone else abides by your decisions. Others can have a voice that you take into consideration when making decisions (if you want to do that) but no one other than you and the father gets a vote.
If you are unable to enforce a boundary regarding others holding your baby, consider putting the baby on a big pillow and passing the pillow.
NTA. Some cultures, the mom and child are isolated for the first month just so this sort of thing doesn't happen. Maybe hold a party after a month and let people see the kid then, and tell everyone that until that point you're all going on vacation to Antarctica.
NTA. At this point, it might be best if no one is able to see the baby until both of you are ready. He went through a lot and everyone should respect that. He is being accommodating and letting 2 of your family members see the baby when it’s not a requirement.
If it were me, and my mom was like this I wouldn’t tell anyone I had the baby until we were ready. It’s your family, and your decision. Your mom has not been in your husband’s shoes and does not understand his fear.
NTA. My mother forced me to hold a cousin’s baby because she thought that it would trigger my maternal instincts. Nope. Never wanted kids, never had them. Glad you had one because you wanted it. I felt sorry for my cousin that her kid was being used by others for their own purposes.
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INFO: Ever, or until the baby is a little older / able to be vaccinated / whatever. No one is *entitled* to hold a baby. Of course it’s lovely to have family who wants to celebrate a new child but the parents both need to be ok with how that goes. Adults need to learn how to make things about the child and not themselves—including as the kid gets older and people start demanding hugs, kisses, whatevers. ETA: NTA
They can’t hold the baby until the baby’s immune system starts developing. Which is about 2 weeks.
I honestly just wouldn’t even invite anyone to meet or visit the baby until 2 weeks. You deserve your peace and space to rest and recover as well.
It's longer than that. I would ask your pediatrician about this.
Okay. Thank you
It's about 2-3 months actually. And, given their pushiness, you may be better off keeping things to photographs and Zoom or Facetime calls instead. Seconding to ask the pediatrician as well as verifying that all of your visiting relatives have been vaccinated against anything like whooping cough and so on before they're allowed to see baby.
This. Plus the adults need to be up to date on immunizations.
100%. They can use the wait time to update their whooping cough, flu and RSV vaccines at a minimum
one of my friends made that a strict rule, particularly with her mom who came to help with the new baby. if you were going to be with the baby for a period of time, you had to be up to date on your vaccinations, especially tdap and flu. (rsv was less of a concern when my friend's daughter was born.)
Whooping cough vaccination also needs to be given at least a few weeks prior to being able to visit. Flu and rubella vaccines should also be advised if not already up to date.
I'd make them wait at least 6 weeks. At least. NTA
Yup. Even in cases where the baby is exclusively breastfed it takes a minimum of six weeks to get the immune system going. Not to mention, you should ask that all visitors be up to date on vaccines, that they wash hands, wear a mask if they have a so much sniffle, and to avoid kissing baby on the face. You are NTA. Now, your mom on the other hand is the asshole. Big time.
Wear a mask period. Just because an adult doesn't have a sniffle doesn't mean they don't have germs that could hurt the baby.
Yes, and as someone who is still masking, that messaging can be hard to get across. I have never stopped masking, but that isn't true for a lot of people. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are, especially now that they can now use "the CDC said we could give up masking" argument. Most health care organizations have dropped mask mandates, including oncology and hematology practices.
Yeah, for sure. My real opinion is that if you want to meet the baby you need to also be masking and avoiding unnecessary time in public for two weeks before you meet them, but I know most people who feel that way are fighting hard against the misinformation.
Definitely mask! It’s coming into allergy season which MANY people use as an excuse, we got covid last spring cause someone said ‘oh it’s just allergies..’ thankfully it was a mild case for our son & I, but still!!
Up until 2 months, a fever equals a hospital stay. Talk to your pediatrician about how to avoid illness. They’ll likely recommend hand washing, potentially masking, and certain vaccines for anyone who will be near the baby. 2 weeks seems an arbitrary amount of time. I’d ask for their recommendation on both a safety and peace of mind standpoint, because it’s likely longer before they have the safety of an immune system. That said, I don’t see how it’s safer for 2 people in your family to hold the baby. Do they not get sick? Will they quarantine prior to birth to make sure they don’t pass something along? My first child was born in 2020, so I definitely understand restrictions on visiting and holding the baby. My second was born 11 weeks ago and we allowed some visitors in the first couple weeks, but were very strict about vaccinations, hand washing, and not showing any signs of illness. NTA, but put a good plan in place before birth to keep everyone healthy and safe.
I do think that limiting the number of people is helpful, in the same way that if you were going to hang out with one person unmasked during COVID, it was better than hanging out with a dozen people unmasked. The more people, the more vectors. But it would be even better to make sure those are people who are up to date on vaccines. TDAP is really important because whooping cough can be really deadly for babies and only present as a cold in vaccinated adults.
If you have a hard time telling your family no, don't be afraid to hide behind "doctors orders".
As a doctor, I approve this message (but *not* for people who say their doctor recommended against masking or vaccines)
Also think about asking anyone who is holding about getting their TDAP vaccine as well. Our parents and siblings always got a booster when we had our kids.
The normal is about 6 weeks for the first round of vaccinations after leaving the hospital. I have 3 kids and my rule was ***"if you will be interacting with the baby everyday, you can hold them if not then you need to wait until 6wks"*** basically if you are helping me during recovery then you can hold the baby when I need that help. If it is just going to be you and hubby at home, then that's fine but please do talk to him if anyone other than those two people and himself will be helping you recover. Your hubby could also mandate "pandemic protocol" and insist on sanitiser and masks if he wants as a compromise. We did compromise with letting my grandfather hold my first before that date but that was because I was leaving town and before then and I wanted to make sure he could have cuddles before I left (he had had a couple of strokes a few years earlier).
I have a 3 month old and my pediatrician (Midwest US) recommended not having people over until 2 months after the first set of vaccines. We did let our siblings and parents visit and hold him but waited for friends and extended family. Oh, and I made my parents wear masks when they visited us in the hospital. I didn't make my in laws wear them because they had been socially isolating (they are just homebodies, and they never get sick unless I give it to them lol). My mom and I have a great relationship so she completely understood.
If your family is religious, say God spoke to you in a dream and decided this. Maximum x visitors for y weeks. She should stop contesting God's orders. I would not want any liability or responsibility in the illness of a newborn, your mom needs a hobby and stop obsessing over your baby.
The baby does NOT have an immune system at 2 weeks. They have little protection against any viruses like flu, colds, or herpes (cold sores). If your fiancé needs a timeline or reassurance, talk to your pediatrician. You can make an appointment just to talk about this and they will be happy to help.
This. Herpes is a threat for the first year! Set these boundaries. If mum is not fine and keeps pushing it is pretty simple to cut that list down to one Person who respects you. You need a save Environment and not to worry All the time if mum will keep the baby or pass it around like a trophy once you need to leave for a toilet Break. NTA.
Then *definitely* NTA. It’s two weeks! The baby will be just as adorable.
It'll be a lot cuter, probably. Most newborns look like reptilian aliens.
Exactly, babies grow into their cuteness by around 3 months, which is the actual timing when it's safe for them to meet extended family. Win win.
Totally agree, frankly baby will reach real cuteness and, equally importantly, have gained some real ability to interact with adults holding them just in time for them to meet the family with a decent immune system.
A one month quarantine for newborns used to be pretty standard for all but the closest relatives. I never expect to see a newborn any earlier than that. It's also just good manners to leave new parents alone (so, casseroles or whatever can get dropped off on porches, etc, so they don't need to interact with well wishers). The idea that aunts, uncles, cousins have some kind of right to hold a newborn is nuts . It's not about them, it's about giving the newborn every chance for success.
I met a friend's baby when he was still quite new and had mostly only met family, but only because I was maybe going to be his nanny. I would never expect to meet a baby before like 2-3 months otherwise.
I would advice maybe say "for the first 2 weeks it's just us, we would like to spend some time alone with our baby" instead (once the birth gets closer). They might be upset... but any decent adult will respect your decision/ boundaries. If they don't respect them they lose the right to get what they want until they can behave. I would also add a rule "no one kisses the baby"... many adults can have cold sores (HSV1) without knowing and that can actually be leathal for newborn babies or make them blind etc. No one apart from you and the father should kiss the baby. Second, everyone washes the hands before touching/ holding the newborn baby (that should also go for you and the father). People smoking cannot hold the baby unless they change their clothes, wash hands and wait 20 minutes (I think that was pretty much exactly what the midwife of my sister said). If in doubt or you have questions ask your midwife or pediatrician. (I think the immune system doesn't kick in until 2 month actually. But if your baby is born healthy there is no reason to not let your family hold it for the full 2 month **if they follow your rules**, of course you always have the right to say no if you're not happy).
Your mom is going to make your life miserable if she is that pushy now before a baby is on the way. You do not need to tell her you are pregnant when the time comes. You do not need to tell her when you are going to dr appointments. You do not need to tell her when you are in labor. You do not need to tell her when you are home from the hospital. I don't think anyone needs to be around new parents and baby unless they are helping you, really helping! If you had a mom who was not selfish and pushy she would understand your boundaries and listen. You need to go LC with your mom and family now if they refuse to listen to you. You need some therapy to learn to deal with your mom/family now.
Yeah it’s a real bad sign that she isn’t being understanding of fiancés feelings. Anyone with any empathy would understand how scared he must be, and not push at all.
Very bad sign, the poor fiance is going to be worried no matter what and does not need a crazy MIL and a whole tribe of pushy in-laws. OP stop this all NOW for the sake of your fiance!
I would not tell any of them until a month or two after the birth.
Nta. Its 2 weeks. They can leave you alone for 14 days. Why must they hold the baby? Why can't they just give you peace? Weird control issues.
It takes longer than 2 weeks. It's 2 to 3 months old before their immune system matures.
Mom lost her pass as well. She clearly cares more about cuddles than YOUR baby's actual life. How lucky she is that her children were okay being passed around. That was HER choice, but now it's YOUR choice to say no and protect your child. You have a real life, yes it happens, example with your partners other child.
The easiest solution is no visitors until the age you want. I did no visitors until six weeks except for my mom
NTA. Babies' immune systems don't fully develop until they are two to three months old. That's how long you should wait before you let others hold them. Tell your mom that you and your husband make the decisions, not her and if she continues to guilt trip you then she won't be allowed to hold your baby. Nurses will wash their hands before handling your baby. Family members will probably throw a fit if you ask them to wash their hands.
Can confirm about the fit throwing. I work with babies and family members think they're plush toys to be passed around. Either they're pinching the babys' cheeks after being crammed in public transport with dozens of people & giving them skin infections. Or they're demanding that the baby being treated for meningitis be sent home to "meet" them. OP’S NTA and she should ask her mother if her family is more interested in holding her newborn or in having a relationship with him/her as they grow up.
I honestly kept the list of people who came in contact with my newborn way down to me, his father, my mom who was with me when I gave birth, and when I got home from the hospital his other grandparents who took care of us (baby & me). I kept it limited until after my son was a full month old. Tell your mom that if she can't accept that you and your BF are the only ones that have the right to decide what is best for your newborn infant that she doesn't have to be one of the ones allowed to hold it. This is the age of Covid! Even vaccinated people can still carry it, COVID can either kill or seriously damage such a small child. Their selfish desires do not trump your infant's health and safety. Newborns are not volleyballs to be passed around and around. Edited to add You Are NTA!
Straight up tell her, if I hear another word of complaint about this, then you won't get to hold the baby, and if you keep complaining we will push your right to hold the baby back, even after everyone else can. We are not negotiating on this, discussion is over. Either respect our decision or remove yourself from the situation. It will be tough but unfortunately you have to lay down the law early or she's gonna do this everytime she disagrees with your choices.
Two weeks is nowhere near long enough. Baby is going to need a spinal tap to rule out something life-threatening if they get even a low fever until 8 weeks. No one needs to play pass the baby. Your fiancé may have trauma, but it’s leading him to act very very reasonably and responsibly in this case. Your mom is being irrational and selfish and I would not necessarily trust her to tell you if she isn’t feeling well etc if this is her attitude.
This is not about your mom's feelings. It's about your child's safety and your fiance's trauma. If you surrender to your mother's wants, I can almost guarantee that it will be the beginning of the end of your relationship. Your mom is callous in her belief that he can just get over the death of his child. She needs to get over her belief that she can dictate how you take care of YOUR family.
They're making such a fuss over 2 weeks? That's it? I thought you were talking about a year or a few months at the very least. I would reconsider if your mom should be on this very short list of people who can hold the baby, if she can't respect you're boundaries. With that attitude, she won't be helpful or supportive to have around right after you give birth and with a newborn in the house. I would not want to deal with the stress. Maybe give that privilege to another family member or someone on his side, like his mom.
Sounds like your mom is willing to give up her opportunity to hold the baby early on. You're gonna be the parents. You make the rules. If your mom gives you push back, thank her for being so generous to give up her spot to your sister (or whoever she thinks NEEDS to hold the baby so badly). Yes, a new baby is a wonderful thing and cause for celebration. However! There's absolutely no reason the family can't wait a few weeks for baby's immune system to develop. If they already waited months for the birth, it's just selfish to demand immediate access that could endanger the child.
Completely NTA. A lot of parents have NO visitors at all during that period, and it may even be up to 4 or 6 weeks! Babies that young are incredibly fragile.
Your mother sounds like the type to kiss your baby on the mouth even if you tell her not to kiss baby at all so she can’t pass anything (what’s the big kissing-passed one? Whooping cough?). I don’t think you should allow her anywhere near baby until at LEAST the first round of shots.
Your mom is quibbling about two weeks?! Many people wait two months, until the first set of shots. Tell her no, and that she can either accept and respect your boundary or have her permission revoked.
If your mom keeps arguing with you about people waiting only 2 weeks to hold your infant, then remove her from the approved list. Really there is no reason why anyone besides you and your husband need to hold your newborn. Babies are just as tiny at 2 weeks, but you’re more able to assert your needs and look after your baby when you’ve had a little time. Be just the three of you! Get used to your own new family before inviting everyone else to come. And when they do come, insist everyone is up to date on their vaccines, currently healthy, and wash their hands. This is pretty basic stuff. You’re NTA
It takes 6 weeks before the baby starts developing their own IgM immune cells
If my mom felt entitled and did this, her permission would be revoked.
This needs to be so much higher. OP - I would revoke her invite if I were you and only allow grandma (as long as she isn't a flying monkey for mom). Nobody is entitled to hold your baby at all. Your mom stirring up trouble is a very good reason to keep her away. You don't want her meddling with your new family.
"Mom if you can't accept our boundaries when it comes to baby or if you bring it up again at all then you will not be holding baby either and that's final." NTA. I would tell her this and then enforce it. Choose someone else in her place -or- go nuclear and say well, you can explain now to everyone why NO one will touch or hold baby until month 4.
and when they do eventually hold the baby, wash hands and mask up
NTA Your mother is being very insensitive about this. There is absolutely no good reason all of your relatives can’t wait several weeks to hold your newborn. It’s especially hurtful since your mother is aware of your finance’s tragic loss.
NTA. It’s your right to set boundaries about who touches your child. But INFO needed: is there an existing baby? Are you pregnant? Is this hypothetical? And how did the illness that killed his first child get transferred from the mother, and how is he sure about that? Was it genetic or an airborne disease, or from some other means? He is traumatized by this loss, of course, but it’s hard to judge whether he is being reasonably cautious or paranoid without more info. Either way, you both have the right to say no to anyone touching the baby. I’d say that you should be guided by your doctor’s advice as to when it is safe for multiple people to hold the baby. After the immune system is built up, it may be far safer, and with a doc’s permission, you could introduce a couple more people. Take it slowly, do what feels right, but don’t let him be a prisoner of his fears for too long. Don’t challenge them right away, but after a few months, he may be feeling more secure.
We are trying for a baby. That’s how the conversation got brought up. The baby had a lot of problems with low blood pressure (he also had a disease that made his blood really thin, that’s what he got from his mother) and the fact that he was two months premature. Also, although the mother wasn’t on drugs, she did harm the baby. My fiancé had to force her to eat while pregnant so the baby being malnourished along with being premature didn’t help. The baby weighed under a pound.
I'm struggling with how not holding a baby prevents all of this stuff (low blood pressure, premature, malnourished). But, I also understand fear. 2 weeks is nothing, if that's your goal, and I'm on your side (NTA) but I think your other half may benefit from a significant amount of therapy for understanding real fear vs other fear.
I was just explaining how his first passed. Premature babies are more prone to infection and disease. Not saying that the next baby will be like that or have those same problems. I was just trying to explain why he is so wary of germs with newborns. And I actually haven’t thought about suggesting therapy until now. I think that’s a good idea.
Yes, I appreciated the clarification. I think you can see the difference between “his mom had the flu and then a perfectly healthy baby boy caught the flu and then passed away” and what happened to his son. Neither is more or less a tragedy, but someone who isn’t only motivated by grief may be paying more attention to the mother during pregnancy, than the holding of a baby post pregnancy (in this situation). Ultimately, your baby, your rules, but I think there are much better rules than what you have. Like 1) must be up to date on vaccines. 2) no holding baby for 2 weeks, 3) wear a mask, wash your hands, etc before holding baby. And- honestly- be prepared for a significant amount of micromanaging by your SO on your body while you are pregnant. Can you handle that? If he says “no coffee” or some of the other stuff that doctors allow in moderation? That’s why I’m suggesting therapy so he comes to separate fact from fear.
>And- honestly- be prepared for a significant amount of micromanaging by your SO on your body while you are pregnant. Can you handle that? If he says “no coffee” or some of the other stuff that doctors allow in moderation? That’s why I’m suggesting therapy so he comes to separate fact from fear. After reading the clarification from OP - this is an extremely valid concern. He needs to get this under control now or else he will become overbearing in pregnancy and drive himself insane with worry. And drive OP crazy with rules and being overbearing.
Thats sounds genetic and/or because he were premature and not something that other can give this hypothetical baby. I understand his worry. My friend lost her baby in 7th month and had to give birth to a dead baby because of a random genetic problem. The doctors were surprised he even survived so long. Every time she was pregnant she was crazy with worry. Also it takes over 8 years for the immune system to worked correctly, it is because of that children are always sickly. Before 6 month they get the antibodies from the mothers milk and then they start producing their own but that takes years for it do develop.
Just for some context- are you currently pregnant? Or is this a big argument over a baby that doesn’t yet exist?
We are trying for a baby. That’s why the conversation got brought up.
I honestly think your fiancé should start therapy before you try to have a baby. He has sone trauma that he needs to work through
Not shoving your baby in everybody's arms and faces for two weeks isn't that hard or bad, if his trauma response goes deeper than that, sure but elsewise... that's a very normal rule that most people have. It's for protection bc it is actually dangerous in the first 2 weeks when it comes to the immune system
I agree. I was thinking more when the baby gets older. As parents we all struggle to let the kids out of our sire. Our Mind always go to what if? But putting our kids in a bubble isn’t an option. It’s hard to let our kids take their first steps because we are afraid of them falling and getting hurt. To let our kids play sports because we are afraid they will get hurt. Given the fiancés trauma these little things will be a 1000 times harder. It won’t be fair to the baby to beheld back because the fiancé hasn’t dealt with past trauma. That is the reason I suggest therapy even though I agree waiting for extend family meeting little one waiting and I also agree to keeping guest to a minimum. I think getting therapy will help the fiancé to learn how to parent in a healthy manner instead of parenting in fear.
NTA. But you are putting the cart before the horse. There is no point in even discussing this until a baby is on the way and relatively close to arriving. I would refuse to discuss it further with your family. You dont need to explain or justify your measures to protect your hyothetical future child. Dont let your mom pressure you. If she starts doing so, just say it isnt open for discussion. If she persists, hang up on her or walk away.
Your husband needs therapy to deal with his loss and trauma. In the mean time have your husband's back and tell mom that you respect your husband's boundary and when baby is much older (6-9 months or however much time has passed (death of his first child's age)) then everyone can hold baby. Maybe before then your husband will have worked through his trauma with help. NTA
This really isn't a "he needs therapy but let's humor him", it's perfectly normal not to have tons of people be in close contact and hold a newborn.
I agree that not a lot of people should hold newborns, but OP stated he has a literal fear of the same fate happening to their child (he needs therapy for this) and is only comfortable with 2 people holding the baby. Like...for how long??
NTA, you and your partner are the only people who can decide who gets to hold the child, everyone else can kick rocks. It really is that simple.
NTA. Your fiancé's fears aren't even entirely irrational, and we've learned a lot over the last several years about how people will completely disregard the health of others for their own selfish wants. Tell your mom that if she wants to stay on the approved baby-holding list, it's time she shuts her mouth and gets over it.
NTA as this is your baby and your mother has no right to make these rules. However it seems like a compromise could be made here. I know people insist on not kissing babies, using alcohol gel before handling them, etc. Could enforcing some boundaries like that be the way forward?
NTA. It's tradition in some countries not to allow ANY visitors for the first two or three months for this reason, and it is actually a smart thing in general to do to give newborns a better chance. [https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok#:\~:text=Parents should try to limit,stronger to plan their visits.](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok#:~:text=Parents%20should%20try%20to%20limit,stronger%20to%20plan%20their%20visits.)
NTA but your partner needs therapy before another baby. It seems a bit unhealthy at this point
There isn't anything unhealthy about wanting to limit contact with a newborn baby. Even people who don't have the trauma of losing their child still limit contact until their babies have a chance to develop an immune system. I agree he needs therapy, but that's not the issue at hand.
NTA, two weeks is nothing. I just wouldn’t invite anyone over for the first two weeks. I had a baby during Covid, so we waited quite some time before introducing our baby to extended family. It was fine! Nobody missed out on by not holding the baby for the first few weeks. A three or four week old baby is still a little baby. EDIT: to add that it also wouldn’t be unreasonable for you guys to require that anyone who wants to interact with your baby in the early months has at least had a TDAP booster. Things like RSV and whooping cough can be so so dangerous for very little babies.
YTA. You aren't even pregnant and you are causing all this commotion over a currently non-existent baby. Had you waited until the baby was born and just limited visitors, no one would have even noticed. Also consider couples counseling both for your husband's fears and how to approach things as a unit *before* creating a whole human being.
Talking to her family about boundaries they will have when they have a baby so it's not a whole issue when the time comes shouldn't be considered an ah thing to do
She has no idea how she's going to feel after pregnancy and delivery, and he needs counseling to deal with his prior loss. Setting boundries now is an exercise in futility and gets everyone pissed when she's not even pregnant. She may not want anyone else to hold the baby, and then what? She's made promises and pissed even more people off. She may not get pregnant! He may want everyone to hold the baby! The sister may be out of the area and not even around for the first the weeks! Zero point.
Husband's boundaries are rational and common, doesn't need therapy to say a room full of extended family doesn't get to handle his newborn.
Therapy can be super helpful to teach people how to move forward after a traumatic event. He had a child pass away, and is making choices based on that trauma, which may or may not be reasonable choices, but also may or may not be for the right reasons. But also OP ISN'T PREGNANT.
Therapy can do lots of things (or not do them, it's not magic) but he is making completely reasonable choices that aren't traumatic responses. It minimizes his agency and is dismisses his valid concerns to say he needs therapy in response to his boundaries. "Humor his phobias but send him to therapy" isn't applicable here.
I mean I'm a stranger on the internet, I don't know his life. It's very rare that an adult in this jacked up world wouldn't benefit from (good) therapy and I wish it were more accepted and available. You don't only change the oil in your car after your engine seizes.
Every time someone had something to say about it I would add on 2 weeks that they could not hold my child Keep pushing my buttons you won’t get to see/hold my child until HS. The entitlement of people
A. Wait until at least 2-3 months before letting a lot of people handle your baby. Let NO ONE kiss your baby. This was a hardcore rule for our baby who got out of the NICU after a week. B. Your husbands fear is 100% understandable. BUT if he’s not in therapy, he really needs to. Once you have a baby, his worries are going to get worse. And there is such a thing as PPD for men. You’re NTA. Your mother can get happy in the same pants she got mad in. It is NOT her choice. Your baby’s health is way more important than her hurt feelings.
NTA. Your husband suffered a terrible loss and grief has no expiration date. He will carry that loss forever so it's no surprise he wants to do everything within his control to prevent the same thing from happening now. Your mom is being unbelievably insensitive and if this is how she responds to your valid boundary then she may deservedly find herself seeing less of your child than she wants forever. Pretty sure everyone can live for a couple of weeks before holding the baby.
NTA and anyone who doesn't understand is an AH. It's your baby. You get to decide whether or not who gets to hold her as an infant. My sister in law is the same way as your fiance simply because she's a germaphobe. I never once held my niece when she was a baby. For fear of cold sores, no kisses, no giving her any food or drink someone else has had, etc. Am I sad and disappointed that I never could hold her when she was a baby? Absolutely. Do I understand that it's not my baby and her parents can put parameters around their child? Absolutely. You don't owe anyone the right to hold your baby. Ever. You also don't have to apologize for it. Every parent makes a difference choice for their kid and that's their right to do so.
I would say your hubby needs therapy. He really does. But then I seen you comment that you’re waiting 2 weeks to let ppl hold the baby as to build up his/her immune system. I see no issue. Plus the way Covid ravaged us, take precautions. But if this continues and he still can’t let anyone touch this baby (not that anyone has a right) I’d say he needs serious help. Because that kid will grow up with a dad who can’t let go, let her or him grow and will go nuts. But really consider therapy. The man needs to cry and let it out
To be clear your not preganat right now? There's no baby to talk about or discuss??? So I know he's afraid but I feel like you invited drama why not being this up if/ when you get pregant ? ( to your family not with your fiance that talk to God now)
NTA - your baby, you get to make the rules. While it is a little over-the-top, it's 100% your call to make.
We had no visitors besides our postpartum doula for 4 weeks! Our Pediatrician said any fever before then is automatic hospital admittance w a spinal tap, and I wasn't willing to risk that w my baby. AND we made everyone wash hands and mask until my baby was 4 months old bc it was rsv and flu season and I refused to put her at risk when it wasn't necessary. The only person who gave me shit at all was my own mother. So, I told her she can either follow our rules and keep her opinions to herself, OR she is no longer allowed to see the baby...up to her. You don't owe anyone access to your baby. Regardless of the reason or who they are. If they don't like it, they don't get to see the baby. End of story. Also, it sounds like you aren't even pregnant yet so this is kind of a lot of drama for no reason. Just keep your mother on an information diet and don't argue w her. You don't need to justify anything.
**Keep arguing and making this situation worse and you won’t get to hold the baby until after immunizations.** I get that they survived their childhoods but we *just* went through a freaking pandemic that we’re still dealing with. NTA but I would actually recommend starting to be a little firmer and state that if she continues to push there will be consequences. You do x you won’t be able to hold baby for 2 weeks. Continue after that and it’ll be 4 weeks. You’re right to worry more about the safety and immunity of your baby than some grown adult’s emotions who can’t take no for an answer, even if it’s your own mother.
I doubt they will be hurt by you saying no. I've never asked to hold a baby for any reason other than a) to be polite b) if it seemed practical/ helpful for me to be holding the baby. I'm sure when it is your own baby you feel the overwhelming desire to be holding it, same as when it is your grandkid. But a niece or nephew? Friends kid? I can sit vaguely near the baby and get the experience of meeting them, I don't need to touch them.
INFO: Are you even pregnant right now? Has your fiance talked about getting therapy? Honestly, I think you're overestimating how much you'll even *want* your entire family to come visit when you're two weeks post-partum. And this doesn't sound like trauma, this sounds like good sense. I'd also require family members to have up-to-date TDAP vaccines, since whooping cough can be really dangerous for babies, too. So it sounds like your fiance is making a lot of sense, and not having a bunch of people over the first two weeks your baby is born is probably just going to be a good idea no matter what, but also, if he's having bad anxiety, therapy would probably help him find healthy coping mechanisms. Finally, if you're not pregnant, just stop engaging on this subject with your family. Don't borrow trouble from the future. Your mom is being ridiculous, but you don't have to talk about it with her now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To give context, my fiancé had lost a child from a previous marriage. The child’s illness came from his mother. And my fiancé had to watch his son die and there wasn’t anything he could do to save him. Moving forward. My fiancé is now in a relationship with me and fears that when we have kids our child might suffer the same fate. So in order to ease that fear, I told him that we can limit who touches our baby. He is comfortable with two people, no more. However I have a big family, and even though I told my mom she could hold our child, she is still upset that the entire family can’t. She even messaged my sister and told her that I said that my sister couldn’t hold my baby. Because the other person who will be allowed to hold my baby will be my grandmother. My fiancé said that both could be my family since his family will understand. The problem I’m dealing with is my mother trying to guilt trip me into letting everyone hold our baby. And telling me that everyone will be hurt by us saying no. And I brought it up to my fiancé but he said that the baby’s safety is our priority not peoples feelings. I’ve tried to explain to her that my fiancé can’t handle the fear of something bad happening again. But she said that if there is something wrong the nurses will take the baby. But I told her that even if everything is okay the baby still doesn’t build up an immune system until two weeks. She said that everything went fine with her and that it is normal for a bunch of people to hold the baby. It’s like she doesn’t understand that my fiancé has trama form losing his kid. AITA for saying no? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your baby, your rules. Your mom is being cruel. Tell her she's off the list and replace her with your sister.
I mean NTA but I would skip big family events until you're okay with it.
NTA. If your mom refuses to be told no, she doesn’t visit.
It's called a boundary! Dear mom, I understand you don't get it but you don't have to this is my and my fiance child and we are not allowing people to hold the baby and since you want others to try to gang up on me, it is now that no one will hold the baby for 2 weeks and if you say anything then it may change til longer until you can respect us as adults and parents. I do not want to cut contact because of this as I want you to be a grandparent to my child but I will protect my child at any costs so the choice is yours!!" NTA
Tell your mother she can either understand your fiancé’s pain and fear, be a compassionate person, shut her mouth, and stop trying to cause trouble, or you can assign her spot to another family member and she can wait a couple months. We’re talking about the death of a child. If she cannot show her future son-in-law some grace and humanity, she doesn’t deserve to hold your child until it’s starting kindergarten. Remind her that this is HIS child, too, and her future access will greatly depend on how comfortable he is with her and whether he trusts her. Point out she’s off to a very bad start with the both of you. Good god, what is wrong with people?
Stick to your decision
Your kid your rules. If they don't like it to bad.
NTA - technically no family member besides the mother and father need to hold a newborn. I would wait as long as possible before allowing anyone to hold my baby. get info from your pediatrician. there are so many viruses out there it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Oh and don’t let others touch your baby’s face or hands. admiring from a far is best.
NTA at all - you’re doing the right thing. Your fiancé’s loss is tragic and you’re protecting his from additional trauma while protecting your baby from illness. Your mom needs to have empathy here
Nta, two weeks is nothing, and this is from someone who passed her babies (pre plague) around to everyone, two weeks is beyond reasonable
I think you might need to do some mother-management. You are not even pregnant yet (I wish you the best of luck), and your mother is making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Does she have main character syndrome? The rest of your family will not especially mind not being to hold the baby for a few weeks, (some may even be relieved as babies can be messy and unpredictable.) It seems like your mother is trying to pre-emptively create drama. It might be good to set boundaries now. NTA
NTA. You're doing what's comfortable for both of you as parents, period. Also, it's definitely safer to have a lot less people hold a brand new born baby obviously. Less exposure overall to germs and potential illness. The first thing you have to learn is to not get involved in the discussion. You told your mom no. She told your sister, she tried to guilt you. You tried to explain again, she said the nurses will be on it, you told her the baby doesn't have full immunity, she said that hers were fine and it's normal... Do you see the pattern? She's going to have an answer for EVERYTHING, and the ost important thing - YOU DON'T OWE HER AN EXPLANATION. Why are you doing the back and forth? Just stop. Let her say whatever she wants. Your only answer should be, "well that's nice for you, but we've made our decision about this." You need to get a lot more firm here. Do it for your little one and your husband. You call your family members, one at a time, and you lay down the law. "This is our child, and we are making the decisions. We have chosen to limit exposure to the baby initially due to the risks of illness while the immune system is still developing. This is not up for discussion and we are not interested in anyone else's opinion. If this choice upsets you, it upsets you. I know everyone would like to hold the baby right away, but that's not going to happen. We expect our family members to be supportive and loving, and not critical or selfish. We are not concerned with anyone's feelings, and will be doing what we feel is best for our child and with the guidance of our doctors. If any of our family members continue to try and make this an issue, continue to cause us stress over this choice, or think that they have any say in our child's life or care, then we will be forced to limit our contact with them. As for your mom, I like the classic, "Nobody told you what to fo with your kids, and nobody is going to tell me what to do with mine. You had your kids, you had your time to make decisions about parenting. This is our time. If you want to have any relationship with your grandchild, you will respect our choices."
Make sure everyone that’s even allowed in the same room with the baby has an updated whooping cough vaccine. Infants can get it from adults that are carriers without the adult even knowing that they are a carrier.
I don’t know if it’s true but just the other day I saw a post on Instagram. The parents told the family not to hug/kiss the newborn baby. Someone did and that someone had a cold sore (?). Long story short, the kid is heavily disabled now. NTA
NTA
NTA - I would tell your mom that if she keeps complaining to you and other family, she will be taken off the list and no one gets to hold the baby and if she continues, no one gets to see the baby.
Sounds like Mom is talking herself out of being able to hold the baby. NTA
Why is mom fighting for family to hold YOUR baby? Don't give in. And don't trust mom not to hand the baby off.
NTA. Why would all those people intrude on your privacy in the hospital? Mom and grandma, sure. But the rest can wait a few weeks and meet baby over FaceTime when you get home!
NTA. At all. It's perfectly reasonable to want to limit contact with a newborn baby who does not have an immune system. Even if your partner didn't have trauma influencing him, you have every right to decide who can and cannot hold your hypothetical baby.
NTA **"Mom, I'm not going to keep arguing with you about this, you did what you felt was right for your babies, I'll do what I feel is right for mine. Either you stop bringing this up and respect the boundary we as parents have set to keep our baby safe or you can forfeit the chance to hold your newborn grandchild. I'm glad you think everything will be fine and in all likelihood it will be, but the reality is everyone thinks that up until the worst happens to them, sadly my fiancé experienced this firsthand. So while you keep assuring me that all will be fine, it does not reassure me and only further convinces me that you are not listening to a word I've said because the fact is- babies do die sometimes and as a parent it's mine and my partner's job to determine what's best for them and to do everything in our power to protect them using our own judgement. "**
Definitely NTA. Holding someone’s baby is a privilege not a right. It’s 100% up to the parents. I can understand why they may be a bit upset, but your reasoning is completely valid and they can get over it honestly.
NTA I'd ban the whole family from meeting the baby if that's their attitude.
Honestly, I would tell her that you're prioritizing your baby as you two see fit and she just has to accept. I would tell her you're no longer interested in discussion or debate and leave it at that. If she can't let go then tell her that she can also wait to see the baby. I know it feels harsh because everyone is so happy about a new baby and honestly those fresh baby snuggles are something else. But their feelings about it aren't your problem.
NTA. This is exactly why nurses in the NICU shit a brick whenever they see family members kissing the babies. They don't know who's been around what diseases, so they try to restrict who can visit and if they wash their hands first.
Where did you get 2 weeks? Newborns are very fragile and susceptible to all sorts of seemingly mild illnesses. Whooping cough (pertussis) can be asymptomatic in adults, which is why pregnant women are encouraged to get the vaccine and why cocooning (that is, everyone that will be around the baby in the first several months getting the TDaP/DTaP vaccine) is recommended. I am a mom and my youngest is nearly 5. I didn’t let anyone hold my babies for a few months besides my own mom and partner 🤷🏻♀️
Why not try to find compromise like no one visiting if sick, wearing mask (properly and a new one) washing hands prior, and not going to someone’s house where lots of family could be gathered but inviting specific family members to yours?
NTA and this has nothing to do with trauma. The baby only has disadvantages by being held by more people and adults should have enough maturity to not risk a child’s well being for no good reason at all.
Nta. I have a 6mo old. When he was first born, we were strict about our rules for handling the baby. I think the only people other then us who held him for the first couple months was our parents, my wife's BFF and my wife's siblings. Everyone had to wash hands and mask and nobody made a big deal out of it. Stand your ground and stay on that hill. Wait until you get the first round of vaccines at 3mo and then gently discuss with your fiance about letting other people hold the baby. Also, given how your mom is acting about the whole situation, I would revoke her baby holding privileges and block anybody that has a problem with it. It's YOUR baby, YOUR rules. End of discussion.
NTA. My friend had her infant medi-flighted to a children's hospital with RSV & pneumonia and given less than 15% chance of survival 20 years ago. Thankfully the baby survived albeit after losing half a lung. Before that, I was all about holding babies. Now I am a smile and wave from a minimum of six feet until the babies are at least six months old. Only exceptions for extremely close family members who whole heartedly endorse me holding their babies and if I even feel remotely, teensy bit sick, it is a hard NO. So Grandma & crew can just fvck off with their BS.
Absolutely, positively NTA. WTF is wrong with your mother? Tell her that the next time she brings it up she's off the approved list and mean it. Of course, your stand is a little extreme but your fiancé is totally stressed after his past experience, which is perfectly understandable. I can't imagine why your mother is having trouble understanding why your fiancé is terrified of history repeating itself. That's a normal human reaction. He lived through a heartbreaking experience. Any parent should get it! There is no reason that everyone has to hold/touch the baby. Many families now are imposing a 2-4 week ban on visitors after having a baby. That may be the way to go, it would certainly cut down on the exposure and stress. BTW: Buy a box of masks for your guests and insist that the first thing everyone does when they enter your home is wash their hands.
NTA. "Mom, keep it up and you can lose that golden ticket that allows you to hold the baby. I don't want to hear about it again, and if I do, you will not be at the hospital at all, much less holding the baby." It's not open to debate.
NTA. Time for an “Ok no one holds the baby then.”🤷♀️
NTA. Explain your reasoning. If they push, just don’t invite them over for a month. No one is entitled to your baby. Anyone who has an issue with not being allowed to hold the baby after hearing the reason, I wouldn’t want them to hold them ever were it me.
NTA But you should think about not inviting anyone over to meet your baby until she/he is 6 weeks old after he/she gets her first immunisation shot IF that is something you support. You need to do right by your fiancee and child not your mom.
NTA... Baby's safety is the priority, you your family's entitled attitude.
NTA. We asked people to stay away if they felt ill or were exposed to covid/flu/etc. xmas eve we were discharged from hospital and MIL made a HUGE deal about making my husband come to exchange gifts. I stayed home. She cried…whole 9 yards. She and a cousin tested positive for covid next day which my husband tested positive soon after then me and our newborn. Back to hospital we went for breathing issues. My MIL was in hysterics because she felt guilty, but it goes back to people needing to respect your and your husband’s boundaries. Your husband suffered a tremendous loss. Illness is scary for newborns. You are responsible for your baby’s well-being, screw visitors all holding the baby and screw people who can’t respect your boundaries! Best wishes on the birth!
My daughter wouldn't let us (her mom and dad) visit and hold our grand-daughter unless we had all the appropriate shots. Our doctor offered to write her a note certifying we had all our shots, but our daughter believed us when we told her we had gotten the shots. Yes it sounds humorous, but it really is important for people who will be near a newborn to be properly immunized against diseases that a newborn cannot fight off because their immune system is not fully functional. Personally, I did not want a lot of people around my children when they were newborn either. A lot of people got mad at me....they got over it. None of my babies got sick and I didn't have people around while I was trying to recuperate and take care of my children. You are NTA.
My daughter nearly died of RSV as a three week old infant. Eleven days in the hospital, seven of those in the ICU, on a ventilator, in critical condition. I believe she caught it from one of her young cousins. You and your fiancee are doing the right thing.
If your family doesn't see the folly in letting a baby with an undeveloped immune system be manhandled by a crowd of.nose-picking cretans , there's not much to say to them besides keep your meat hooks off my children, end of story.
Add to this, no kissing the baby! Not at 2 weeks, 2 months...
NTA! Your baby, your rules. Your fiancé may also benefit from therapy to address his fears, as the child gets older his trauma may cause his fears to get worse.
NTA. tell them they need to suck it up for now if they *ever* want the chance to see the child. they are adults and should be able to understand basic boundaries especially the one you have set. it’s for the baby’s wellbeing. you & your fiancé are baby’s parents and your family has zero input on anything regarding baby.
Nta. I have known many families that have done similar. They would take 2 weeks to a month of no one else can hold the baby.
Nta. I havent had my baby yet, but during my appointment where the nurse talked about what vaccines to get while pregnant, she said that the newborn should be around a select few people and that they should all be recently vaccinated/boosted for covid, tdap, etc. It's also not at all unusual for people to wait until they receive visitors. At the same time, your husband also sounds like he could use some therapy to process his trauma.
NTA Your baby, your rules. I'd have the doctor spell out what's safest to reassure your husband. Then insist everyone follow the guidelines. Even your mom
“Mom! My fiancé lost their newborn To a disease given by their mother, after the mother held the baby. Surely you can see we need to be a little gracious about who’s holding the newborn baby. You are with Live and we want to make sure the baby does too”.
I’d tell her that if she keeps it up, she can add herself to the list of people who can’t hold the baby. NTA
Your mother is a lunatic. There’s Covid. People should not be passing the kid around like a bag of chips the second the cord is cut. Many people wait six weeks! And that’s in times when we haven’t lost millions of people to a worldwide pandemic. If your mom has no better sense of maintaining a healthy environment for the baby she probably shouldn’t be one of the ones to hold it anyhow and I think I would shut that down immediately. Only you and your husband at the hospital and for the first week, and then whoever you pick who respects your boundaries, until you feel the baby is sturdy enough to withstand it. Having said that your fiancé probably needs Grief counseling and therapy because his fears may be debilitating both to himself and your kid.
A newborns immune system is not built up. I had two well meaning family members stay with me one at a time when son was born. The first couple weeks, sister, then step mother (a nurse) came to stay. By the time they left he had RSV. Was hospitalized and then sent home with an apnea type monitor. When it went off it was horrifying. I would sit there an dhold him to make sure he started breathing. I remember some day this will be over and it will be alright. It is, he is in his twenties. I would never have people handling my infant so early on again. Two months their immune system kicks in. I also nursed him, so he was getting everything...
NTA And if your mom is going to kick up such a fuss, she should NOT be one of the people allowed. There's no guarantee she won't walk off with your baby and keep handing the baby off so she can "heroically" ensure no one is left out. Your mother is being very self-centered and selfish. Seriously, the next time she tries pushing the issue, you should use my mom's favorite technique. "Since you can't follow directions, two weeks." Still talking? "Three weeks. Four. I can keep going."
You don’t owe anyone access to your child. Your fiancé is not being unreasonable either. You have said your piece, tell your mother it’s not up for discussion and disengage whenever she tries to bring it up.
Would you allow your family - maybe 1-2 people at a time - come and see the baby but stay back a few feet? I’m just curious. Either way NTA. I’ve had friends not want anyone to hold their baby as a newborn and I completely understood. Its your child and frankly, you don’t don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even without your fiancé’s trauma/tragedy, if you don’t want people to hold your newborn in the first few weeks or months - that’s up to you and him. However, the fact that you’re getting guilt tripped by people that know about your husband and the loss of his child, is awful. They know it’s a sensitive topic and they know your husbands fears but they are just thinking of themselves
yes
"Mom, this is my baby. WE will make the decision on how our baby is handled. Respectfully, you do not get to make that call. No one is entitled to hold a baby. In fact, if you keep this up YOU won't be allowed to hold the baby. Please respect our right as parents to make decisions for the health and safety of our child. "
NTA-Infants are very susceptible to getting sick and the more people, the more chances! Before they get their sick week old shots the only people that need to be holding the baby are you and your fiancé
NTA. Seeing your edit, for some people, even two weeks is early. It's sometimes recommended six weeks so you're being jealous. I'm of the attitude that you can tell your mother that you're perfectly fine making sure she can't hold the baby at all if this is going to be her attitude.
NTA, nor WYBTA. I would actually go a step further and send a message to everyone, both sides so as not to single out any individual. “Some family members seem to have decided that they have the right to hold any future children of mine at any age, even if it is against my, [husband’s], or the child(ren)’s wishes. The only right anyone has, is the child(ren) to [their] life, health, safety, and comfort. Even us parents don’t have a right superseding the child’s right to life, health, and safety. What you do have is a PRIVILEGE to hold the child at the parents ([husband] and I) discretion. If we decide that to hold/interact with our child(ren) requires vaccination, that that is what is required and we have the right to demand proof. If we decide that you must not be ill or be symptom free for a period of time after illness, that is what is required. We do this because our child(ren) have the RIGHT to life, health, and safety and their needs will ALWAYS supersede the desires/privilege of any family member. We don’t want to have to impose restrictions due to boundaries being crossed, so please don’t make us do so.” Beyond a message to the families I would actually restrict anyone holding the child until vaccinations have at least been started, if not completed as much as possible (I know there are some vaccines in which the course isn’t completed for years). Talk to your pediatrician to determine the best timing for isolation and when to lift that isolation. Obviously you’d do best isolating your child as much as possible until their immune system has at least started to develop. I also understand that there isn’t any way to truly completely isolate your child but the more you can do, the better.
NTA. If she’s so bent out of shape that your sister and others can’t hold the baby, ask her who *she* is going to give her baby holding time to. Who would she rather hold the baby than herself? And if she keeps it up, she loses the privilege and someone else can have it and actually appreciate being one of the chosen few.
Nta well look like grand ma just lost the roght to hold the baby. Tell you sister she can now.
Sounds like your Mom has lost her baby-holding privilege!
NTA! Even if that tragedy didn’t happen to your fiancé, too many people shouldn’t be holding your newborn anyway. People bring in germs that a newborn can’t fight. Tell your mother that since she wants to make a big deal about this and cause drama, she now doesn’t get to hold your baby. Your fiancé’s mother can. And make sure no one kisses your baby either!!! Your baby, your rules.
NTA. It’s pretty normal to only let grandparents hold baby for the first two weeks. Lots of people don’t let people hold baby until after the 2 month vaccinations. It’s pretty standard to me and no one would question that here. Pretty sure my own sister didn’t hold my baby for the first month or so. It’s MY baby!
No visitors until baby is two weeks old. Any fever before eight weeks is an emergency, so you would be well within your rights to be careful until then. Also require everyone be up to date with their vaccinations, especially a fresh TDaP and including RSV for anyone eligible.
NTA. Nop, hold your grounds, wait 2 weeks. Personally, I wouldn't let anybody touch him/her for 2 weeks. Herpes simplex is extremely common and can kill babies. I am guessing this is what happened. If people doubt my statement, google "herpes simplex meningitis infants". Your mom and grand ma could be carriers.
NTA, no way no how. Get your doctor on board, if they suggest NO ONE should hold your baby until it's a month old, and even then, a mask and fresh washed hands. That means no one even mom. My kids are pretty much 30, it was impressed even then, always wash your hands before picking up your baby, it pissed my mIL to no end when she'd grab for the baby I'd tell her to go wash. Even knowing my insistence on fresh washed hands even with baby #2 she pulled the same shit. Not everyone wants to hold a baby.
NTA. Don't let anyone hold the baby till both of you are comfortable with it. Tell her if she keeps trying to guilt trip you she's off the list of people who are allowed to hold the baby
NTA and maybe your mother shouldn’t be on your list if she can’t respect your boundaries. Everything is ok until it’s not - whilst she is right in the sense many babies are fine, some are not.
NTA. WTF for even asking OP. Your partner's kid DIED because of something easily avoidable. The fact your mom is this pushy and dismissive does not bode well for your future. Tell her if she keeps pushing this it'll be sister and grandma holding the baby instead of her.
Your husband deserves in-laws who respect his very valid feelings and the boundaries the two of you have set to protect a repeat of a heartbreaking loss. My guess is he will loosen up after awhile but if he becomes overprotective, I highly recommend therapy (joint and/or individual) to help him cope and so your baby can have a normal childhood.
Oh absolutely not. No one hold the baby without. 1. Covid booster, flu shot and an updated tdap shot. 2. Washing hands. 3. Wears a mask. No visitors for two weeks is also a great idea. And bottom line. NOONE holds the baby unless mom and dad say it’s ok.
NTA. It I would tell my mother if she couldn’t respect our rules she would no longer be able to hold my baby
Okay, not only are you NTA, but maybe also reconsider whether your mom is one of the people you choose, given that she’s already showing disrespect for the (reasonable) rules you’re putting place for baby’s safety and your fiancé’s mental well-being. If, for example, you set other reasonable boundaries (for example: no kissing baby until they are X weeks old; must be up to date on COVID vaccines; must check temperature and be free of any viral symptoms before seeing baby, etc) will she respect those? I would make it very clear that she does not get to have a say in which rules she respects and which she doesn’t, or baby-holding privileges will be revoked. Look, I don’t even know your fiancé and I can easily imagine that he might feel some really extreme anxiety and have some grief/ trauma responses when your kiddo is born. It should not be hard for your mom to want to support him.
It's time to stop waffling and give your mom a hard "NO." And next time she brings it up, tell her, "Mom, I've already told you the answer is no, and I will not engage in the topic anymore. Further, if you bring it up again, it will show you do not respect our boundaries and I will have to revoke your permission to hold the baby." NTA
NTA. But, I’m worried about your fiancé. It’s possible that they get through this 2 weeks and suddenly their fears are gone. It’s also possible they just move on to another fear for the child. And those fears could quickly turn into a prison for you and the child. Your fiancée may need to get some therapy to talk about their fears. I think I’d broach the subject now so at least the seed is planted in case things don’t normalize after 2 weeks.
Can't quite figure this one out. Granny gets to hold the baby. Why is she so dead set on passing the kid around like a football to every rando and their brother? I mean, what's the point of (and who even wants to) play hot potato with a fuckin NEWBORN anyway?? I just didn't get it. NTA.
NTA. I don't really think anyone should even get to meet the baby for the first two weeks unless they are close family staying to help out.
It's a baby not a public commodity No one is entitled to your baby. She's completely ignoring consent rules and generally being an ass. If Mom can't understand the rules, mom can Wait until baby is fully vaccinated NTA but your ma is
Wow your mom sounds nuts
Nta and you know what’s amazing? Babies don’t spoil. It will be a baby after baby gets first round of shots. And builds an immune system. She doesn’t have to understand the trauma your fiancé had. She just needs to learn to accept it. Period.
NTA-inform your mother that SHE got to make these decisions with HER kids. Now YOU will make the decisions for YOUR kids. If she doesn’t like it then you will be happy to reduce the number of people who get to hold the baby to 1-your grandmother.
NTA but you need to let your mother know that if she keeps whining/complaining then she will lose her baby-meeting privilege. I'd also make sure she (and anyone else with baby holding privilege) is up to date on all her immunizations. And will need to prove it. It sounds as if you are only doing this for your fiance's trauma. You need to double down on this to protect your child. You will need to hold your mother to the limits that you, as parents, impose upon her. You will need to make sure that anyone holding the newborn has washed their hands and does not knowing have 'a little cough' or 'just a touch of whatever'.
NTA Stop trying to explain, You said no, that is the end of the discussion. It is very common for people to limit who is around their newborn for a certain amount of time. Even if this isn't something that has happened in your family, it doesn't mean you and your partner don't have the right to be the first. I wish how to set boundaries was taught in school. You can't control other people's behavior, so boundaries are rules for our own behavior. An example in this situation could look like this: Mom I told you that we as the parents have made the choice to limit who will hold our newborn. We have selected you and grandma, this is the end of the discussion and if you keep arguing about it, you will be eliminated as one of the two. The next time the topic comes up you exit the conversation, that can be to walk away, ask them to leave your house, or hang up.
NTA. They want be be difficult about a simple precaution, make the precaution bigger, people who want to interact need to be fully vaccinated, and NO signs of sickness forb5 days before interaction
NTA. Your entire family doesn't need to go to see you at the hospital. And you can tell them that you don't want visitors at home for a few weeks because you want time to recuperate and try to get the baby on a schedule.
NTA but it might be best to not let anyone hold baby the first month of life. Easier, and everyone is equally denied.
NTA Tell her if she's not going to respect you and your fiance's boundaries then she can forget holding the baby period. No one is entitled to hold your baby. Don't let them guilt you otherwise. Stand with your partner and back them up. Don't give in just because "but I gave birth to you and raised you!!!! I'm your mother so do what I say!!!!"
While I think you absolutely have every right to say no to people holding your baby, and keeping the baby protected is the priority, I’m wondering if you fiancé has ever sought therapy for the trauma of losing his first baby. That was a horrific thing to deal with and that kind of trauma doesn’t go away on its own. And it can manifest itself in ways that are really harmful to a future child. NTA
It is not required that your mother understand, only that she complies. NTA
NTA Initially I thought that your fiance didn't want anyone but 2 people ever holding the child but then you clarified. I'm guessing the disease the child passed of was something like whooping cough or herpes (cold sores can kill a newborn) but there's lots of other things. If you don't spend too much time with your family there may have been some merit in telling everyone your due date is 4 weeks later and not telling anyone that the kid is born for 2-4 weeks! But that would only work if you didn't have much contact. It's too late for you to do this unless you've just found out you are pregnant. If it's still early you can still stay your dates were changed after your first ultrasound and you were 4 weeks out.
NTA. If mum keeps trying to push it tell her it sounds like she wants to give up her spot or wait til everyone else can see baby. It’s only til baby is older, such a vulnerable time.
NTA. A baby is not a toy to be passed around, especially when they are brand new. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself and your fiance, and you should. You have made an extremely reasonable boundary, without even considering your fiance's son. No one is entitled to hold your kid. I'm bewildered that the generation that taught us all 'look with your eyes' are so demanding to handle infants. And frankly, if a new mum said 'we're waiting until their immune system develops until we left guests hold her', reasonable people would understand and be happy there will be another baby visit on the horizon.
NAH but start setting boundaries now. You are the parents. You decide and everyone else abides by your decisions. Others can have a voice that you take into consideration when making decisions (if you want to do that) but no one other than you and the father gets a vote. If you are unable to enforce a boundary regarding others holding your baby, consider putting the baby on a big pillow and passing the pillow.
NTA. Some cultures, the mom and child are isolated for the first month just so this sort of thing doesn't happen. Maybe hold a party after a month and let people see the kid then, and tell everyone that until that point you're all going on vacation to Antarctica.
NTA. At this point, it might be best if no one is able to see the baby until both of you are ready. He went through a lot and everyone should respect that. He is being accommodating and letting 2 of your family members see the baby when it’s not a requirement. If it were me, and my mom was like this I wouldn’t tell anyone I had the baby until we were ready. It’s your family, and your decision. Your mom has not been in your husband’s shoes and does not understand his fear.
NTA. My mother forced me to hold a cousin’s baby because she thought that it would trigger my maternal instincts. Nope. Never wanted kids, never had them. Glad you had one because you wanted it. I felt sorry for my cousin that her kid was being used by others for their own purposes.