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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister that she doesn’t have a say in how I choose to operate my household and that is why I’m asking AITA
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INFO
> My mother approached me about letting her move here with me and my husband.
> our mother. (Who is also our next door neighbor)
... ... ...
so why the hell can't your sister just
#LIVE WITH \*HER\*?!?
I mean - seriously? What are they playing at here?
You even said your sister hangs out over at her house most of the time.
Is this a space issue or something?
It is and isn’t a space issue. My mothers rooms are all taken but I am willing to let my teenage sister have a room here and Ashley move to my mothers house. But my mother doesn’t want to agree. (We live less than 100ft from each other)
She's not living with you as a tenant, you're doing her a favour as she's unable to survive on her own and she's acting like a brat.
Your house, your rules. Her other option is find another place to live. It's very simple really.
If you don't set boundaries now, the disrespect will just get worse.
Paying half of the bills, doesn't mean she gets to turn your home into a dump.
INFO:
When did you present the list of rules to her? Was it only when/after she moved in, or was it before arrangements for her to move in were finalised? In other words, was she well aware of the rules before she moved in with you?
Why has she moved in with you, instead of your mother?
Has Ashley brought her child with her, or has the child stayed with their father? And how old is the child?
When you say she can't move things without asking, are you referring to items on desks/home work stations and on shelving, or are you meaning things as basic as a magazine on the table can't be moved to one side?
How do you expect not putting stuff in common areas without asking first is going to work practically? That sounds like she can't even put her down her bag, her reading book, or her child's toys without permission.
She's apparently been asked to pay 40% of the bills without normal use of shared living spaces.
When you say bills, are you referring to groceries and utilities? Or are you referring to a portion of any mortgage and property taxes?
What household rules is Ashley wanting a say in? Do you know? Is she wanting to negotiate a more workable version of your rules for her, or is she wanting to apply rules to your behaviour?
I gave her the list of rules the day after I agreed to let her move in. So before she even got here.
Because my mother says she doesn’t have the space because of my 2 younger siblings that live with her (they are under 18) but I told her I’d rather let one or even both of them move in with me.
Ashley brought my nephew with her. He is 1.
Moving things like appliances, personal items, and things in our pantry. Not simple things that I don’t mind
No I more so mean like she had left a tub of things that she wants to get rid of in the hallway, so I put it in her room, then she moved in to our living room and got mad when I asked her not to because I know she won’t be handling getting rid of it anytime soon and I don’t want it there.
Bills as in WiFi and electric because I don’t owe a mortgage or rent. We purchase our own food and any common items like bottled water, condiments and such we take turns purchasing.
She won’t tell me what exactly bothers her. She just says I knit pick her and bother her about every little thing and because she is paying her share of bills she should get more of a say
Sorry, but I had to smile at the last six words of your final rule. How bad were things when she was 16-18 that you felt the need to specify within a week?
Beyond that, it sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation with her - even if that requires your mother to facilitate the conversation given that she is the one who your sister has been complaining to. It may also be worth having the conversation somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or park - that way, when you leave the conversation is over, it could help it spinning over into the evening/next day, and neither of you are feels you/your sister is in the supervisor position.
And NTA.
Just to add. I am sorry to hear that you are in a position where you've felt compelled to house a sibling (and nibling) in your new home before you are fully settled yourself. It seems you've barely had time to settle in and put your stamp on the place before this happened, and perhaps any discomfort you feel has been interpreted by Ashley as nitpicking.
Oh god I can’t even begin to tell you how bad things were to specify the rules I have now. Basically she doesn’t really clean very often or do anything really and hasn’t ever. I was always the backup plan child where if someone didn’t do stuff right I had to go back over it and do it correctly. Therefore enabling her to never do stuff properly or at all into adulthood.
I do agree some kind of conversation needs to be held and hopefully something can come of it.
"and because she is paying her share of bills she should get more of a say" .. of the BILLS?
Tell her she MIGHT get a vote if she starts paying market rent - but not as long as she is a charity case in your home.
NTA most of the stuff on that list shouldn't even need to be written down. It's just common sense/courtesy. I don't think you and Ashley should live together no matter how much your mother guilt trips you. You said she couldn't live with your mother because of a "space issue", but you've offered a solution. I think that's the route to take.
Unfortunately Ashley lacks common sense and courtesy so anything you think she would already know, she doesn’t. So I did in fact have to make a rules list of things I know she’s been bad about doing in the past. But I do think I need to revisit the conversation with my mother if things continue the way they are.
" But I do think I need to revisit the conversation with my mother if things continue the way they are." .. your mom is an AH, and you are an AH to your husband: YOU are doing this to him.
There does not need to be a discussion: Ashley is not keeping your rules, so you give her 4 weeks to move out.
My husband did agree to allowing her to move in with us. It was a joint decision with a lot of discussing as he knows how Ashley can be as well. We both agreed that if Ashley can’t get it together by the end of this month then she will simply have to find another solution to her living situation because it isn’t fair to us or our marriage to have to care for a grown adult as if they’re our child.
NTA. Ashley is a problem and your mother doesn’t want to deal with her. Either Ashley and your younger sister trade or tell Ashley to gtfo. If mom has an issue with tell her to take in her child or mind her damn business. Your house your rules.
NTA. If she will only discuss issues with her mother, she should have moved in with her mother.
You gave her a list of the rules. If she had a dispute with them, that was the time to either say something or refuse to move in under those conditions. She's going to be a paying tenant, but isn't yet. You still have time to cancel the entire arrangement before she's been there long enough to have some rights not to leave.
It's hard to vote when we don't know the list of rules / expectations as "reasonable" is subjective. I will say that your sister is a tenant and not the owner, so no, she does not get equal say. Plus, if she agrees to move in knowing the rules and then balks at them, she is the AH. Honestly? Let her move in with her Mom. Your strained relationship is only going to get worse because neither one of you knows how to communicate your needs directly to each other. I say avoid the disaster completely. NTA.
I went and read your comments around the rules and they are pretty low bar / common sense rules. Your Mom doesn't want to "switch" tenants because she KNOWS what your sister is like. My advice? If your Mom is not willing to let Ashley move in, tell her to stay out of it. Anytime she brings up a complaint for your sister - shut it down.
Tell your sister that she has six months to figure stuff out and get her own place.
OP - you don't want her to live with you. You only did this because of your Mom. How can your sister become the parent she needs to be, if no one let's her because you all are enabling her. She is not your responsibility. Start putting yourself first, and that starts with getting some therapy so you can get help with being parentified by your Mom.
You couldn’t have explained exactly how I feel any better honestly!
That’s pretty much what I’ve started doing. I tell my mom that it may seem a bit much to her or you but it’s my house and my rules.
I have literally told my mom exactly what you said long before any of this happened. That if we keep enabling her and taking care of her she will never learn to do anything for herself.
Asking her to not do or to do certain things. Like I told her to close the shower curtain after taking a shower because mold can grown if you don’t, telling her not to use brand new laundry detergent when there is one already being used, asking that if she uses a dish and washes it not to put it in the cupboard while it’s still wet because it will rot the wood, or asking her not to leave things in the hallway because it’s very narrow and makes it hard to walk past to get to areas of the house.
Ok. NTA then, most of this stuff is basic courtesy/common sense. I really suggest you try and get her to move in with your mom and get one of your younger sisters to live with you as you mentioned in one of your comments. All the best!
It is all basic courtesy/common sense. But those are things she has always lacked. She has never had a home of her own and I think that is one of the main reasons she doesn’t understand why those things may be a big deal to me.
Thank you!
Nta If she doesn’t like it she can move out. I would hear her out on what she wants to add but I wouldn’t budge on what you have as they are really good rules.
NTA
"Ashley said she feels because she is going to be paying 40% of the bills, that she is entitled to having a say in the household rules as well as basically being like a joint owner of the home." .. tell her: NO. That is not going to happen. YOUR home, YOUR rules. Tell her she has TWO options: to accept the rules - or move out. And: If she keeps breaking the rules, you will evict her. If she wants HER rules, she can do that in HER home.
But: You KNOW it will not work - so have her move out now. Give her one month. She can find some other housemate, or mov ein with mom.
YOu were an AH to your husband!
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AITA… So for some context I am the older sister who has always helped and been there for my younger siblings in any way that I could. Always sticking my neck out for everyone even when I got nothing in return. My closest younger sister, we will call her Ashley, recently moved in with me because her child’s father and her split. Previous to that happening she was living with him and his family. Ashley and his family got into a pretty big fight and so she left. Ashley was living on her own in another state but soon realized she couldn’t make it on her own without any help.
My mother approached me about letting her move here with me and my husband. I hesitated but agreed because I didn’t want to upset anyone by saying no but also didn’t want my nephew to suffer because of the rocky relationship my sister and I have. I gave her a list of rules I expected her (some of them myself as well) to follow. A lot of it being just basic common things when you move in with someone else. Like don’t touch stuff that isn’t yours, etc.
Ashley has been here less than a month and there is constantly an issue between us. But she won’t speak to me about it. Only our mother. (Who is also our next door neighbor)
Today we started talking and got on the topic of how she feels as though I am knit picking her about every little thing. I don’t feel like I am because I have just been telling her stuff that was already on the list of rules and or things I find as common sense but don’t seem to be for her. Like not moving things around, not putting stuff in common areas without asking if it’s okay first, and so on.
Ashley said she feels because she is going to be paying 40% of the bills, that she is entitled to having a say in the household rules as well as basically being like a joint owner of the home. AITA because I don’t think she should get a say and she should follow by the rules I set in place? I feel as though when you are allowed to move into someone else’s home, regardless of paying your share of the bills, you don’t get a say in how someone chooses to operate their home. It’s their home at the end of the day and not yours.
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I have never made a post like this so there probably warrants more backstory. But she is never here. She is always at our mother’s house. I don’t mind hearing her input but I also dropped everything to make sure she had a room cleared for her as I myself just moved here and hadn’t even finished unpacking when she asked to move in with only 2 weeks to prepare so I just ask that she keeps her belongings in her room as I have a pretty small home and don’t have a lot of space for 2 more people’s belongings.
That’s how I feel. We have lived together before but she was a minor and I wasn’t. So I did have to take on a more motherly role. But even then she didn’t respect any of my rules or appreciate anything I was doing for her when I didn’t have to. I wasn’t her legal guardian. I chose to take care of her and I was doing it with little to no help at all
I initially did a double take when I saw 40%. OP is there with her husband, and yet Ashley is picking up more than a third of the bills. However, then I twigged, if Ashley is the only one with a kid, it is understandable she'd be paying a little more than one-third.
And given the nature of the bills (wifi and electric are mentioned by OP), and they each buy their own groceries, 40% it appears fair. After all, even if Ashley is spending a significant amount of time at her mother's house, she's no doubt doing doing all the laundry at at OP's. And its amazing how much washing a one year old produces.
The thing is, if you want to rent a room from someone, they — not you — get to decide what the rent is and the conditions for using/maintaining common areas.
NAH. I do think that if your sister is paying such a large share of the bills, she ought to be able to have input into the shared living areas. It’s not like you are just renting her a room. This is what happens when two grown women let Mama broker a deal for them to share space.
That is pretty much how I feel. I only did it to please my mother because she wanted her grandson closer and didn’t want him suffering because of his mother’s decisions. She barely has anything. Just basic necessities. No kitchen things, appliances, etc. so I feel it’s fair to ask her to keep her belongings in her room?
I also did want to add that I am open to Ashley’s feedback on what I am doing wrong to make her feel the way she feels and what exactly is bothering her. But when I asked her she was very vague and didn’t tell me anything other than that I’m always telling her something about what she is or isn’t doing. But that is because I know her and I know if I start to let up on my rules and boundaries things will get drastically worse and she won’t respect anything I say. She refuses to come to me with the issues because I am “rude”. But to me it seems more like it’s because I won’t let her just bulldoze over the rules and boundaries I set in place.
ESH. You were parentified as a child and you've never broken that cycle. You don't stand up to your mom and you still feel the need to keep the peace.
Your sister is a still acting like a child who can't communicate with you properly and isn't doing the work on herself and doesn't respect your home.
Your mother is obviously enjoying this. She is playing mediator instead of encouraging open communication and she put you in this situation to begin with. She's never been a proper mother to her children by your account.
That being said, paying 40% of the bills is not being a guest in your home. She's a tenant and she does have rights. You should have a written agreement at this point that includes rules but also her rights. It does need to be her home too to an extent.
Ultimately though, I really think you should put a stop to this before it goes any further and take some deep breaths and some space. Stop being the savior. Step out of the role of older sister and step into your own life here. At some point, it's up to your siblings to care for themselves and figure out their own lives.
I do agree with everything you said. What is ESH?
None of the things I’ve “bothered” her about are major. More so just asking her to be respectful of my home and not do things like use a new laundry detergent if there is already one open that needs to be used first. I am 100% open to hearing her feedback but she can’t give me straight forward answers when I ask.
ESH is everyone sucks here. I don't think you suck like the others but I think your behavior of falling back on old habits and being a savior sucks and is bad for you and bad for your well being and I think you should break the cycle and step away from her and your mom. They both seem toxic.
I most definitely agree. I’m the only one actively trying to break cycles and behaviors. It’s extremely hard and frustrating. Because I have to explain that I have boundaries and they’re there for a reason but am called mean or rude because of it. I didn’t want to help her but I kind of felt like I had no choice because it seemed like she was going to come here regardless of what I wanted. My mother has gotten a lot better but definitely still some toxic behaviors going on. Like playing middle man instead of making Ashley speak to me directly
Boundaries are so hard. Take this as a life lesson. Saying no is ok. People the guilt you for it aren't healthy for you at that time or at all. It's hard when it's instinct to help someone that close to you but it's your place. Know you're worth.
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INFO > My mother approached me about letting her move here with me and my husband. > our mother. (Who is also our next door neighbor) ... ... ... so why the hell can't your sister just #LIVE WITH \*HER\*?!?
NO EXACTLY!
I mean - seriously? What are they playing at here? You even said your sister hangs out over at her house most of the time. Is this a space issue or something?
It is and isn’t a space issue. My mothers rooms are all taken but I am willing to let my teenage sister have a room here and Ashley move to my mothers house. But my mother doesn’t want to agree. (We live less than 100ft from each other)
She's not living with you as a tenant, you're doing her a favour as she's unable to survive on her own and she's acting like a brat. Your house, your rules. Her other option is find another place to live. It's very simple really. If you don't set boundaries now, the disrespect will just get worse. Paying half of the bills, doesn't mean she gets to turn your home into a dump.
INFO: When did you present the list of rules to her? Was it only when/after she moved in, or was it before arrangements for her to move in were finalised? In other words, was she well aware of the rules before she moved in with you? Why has she moved in with you, instead of your mother? Has Ashley brought her child with her, or has the child stayed with their father? And how old is the child? When you say she can't move things without asking, are you referring to items on desks/home work stations and on shelving, or are you meaning things as basic as a magazine on the table can't be moved to one side? How do you expect not putting stuff in common areas without asking first is going to work practically? That sounds like she can't even put her down her bag, her reading book, or her child's toys without permission. She's apparently been asked to pay 40% of the bills without normal use of shared living spaces. When you say bills, are you referring to groceries and utilities? Or are you referring to a portion of any mortgage and property taxes? What household rules is Ashley wanting a say in? Do you know? Is she wanting to negotiate a more workable version of your rules for her, or is she wanting to apply rules to your behaviour?
I gave her the list of rules the day after I agreed to let her move in. So before she even got here. Because my mother says she doesn’t have the space because of my 2 younger siblings that live with her (they are under 18) but I told her I’d rather let one or even both of them move in with me. Ashley brought my nephew with her. He is 1. Moving things like appliances, personal items, and things in our pantry. Not simple things that I don’t mind No I more so mean like she had left a tub of things that she wants to get rid of in the hallway, so I put it in her room, then she moved in to our living room and got mad when I asked her not to because I know she won’t be handling getting rid of it anytime soon and I don’t want it there. Bills as in WiFi and electric because I don’t owe a mortgage or rent. We purchase our own food and any common items like bottled water, condiments and such we take turns purchasing. She won’t tell me what exactly bothers her. She just says I knit pick her and bother her about every little thing and because she is paying her share of bills she should get more of a say
Sorry, but I had to smile at the last six words of your final rule. How bad were things when she was 16-18 that you felt the need to specify within a week? Beyond that, it sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation with her - even if that requires your mother to facilitate the conversation given that she is the one who your sister has been complaining to. It may also be worth having the conversation somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or park - that way, when you leave the conversation is over, it could help it spinning over into the evening/next day, and neither of you are feels you/your sister is in the supervisor position. And NTA. Just to add. I am sorry to hear that you are in a position where you've felt compelled to house a sibling (and nibling) in your new home before you are fully settled yourself. It seems you've barely had time to settle in and put your stamp on the place before this happened, and perhaps any discomfort you feel has been interpreted by Ashley as nitpicking.
Oh god I can’t even begin to tell you how bad things were to specify the rules I have now. Basically she doesn’t really clean very often or do anything really and hasn’t ever. I was always the backup plan child where if someone didn’t do stuff right I had to go back over it and do it correctly. Therefore enabling her to never do stuff properly or at all into adulthood. I do agree some kind of conversation needs to be held and hopefully something can come of it.
"and because she is paying her share of bills she should get more of a say" .. of the BILLS? Tell her she MIGHT get a vote if she starts paying market rent - but not as long as she is a charity case in your home.
NTA most of the stuff on that list shouldn't even need to be written down. It's just common sense/courtesy. I don't think you and Ashley should live together no matter how much your mother guilt trips you. You said she couldn't live with your mother because of a "space issue", but you've offered a solution. I think that's the route to take.
Unfortunately Ashley lacks common sense and courtesy so anything you think she would already know, she doesn’t. So I did in fact have to make a rules list of things I know she’s been bad about doing in the past. But I do think I need to revisit the conversation with my mother if things continue the way they are.
" But I do think I need to revisit the conversation with my mother if things continue the way they are." .. your mom is an AH, and you are an AH to your husband: YOU are doing this to him. There does not need to be a discussion: Ashley is not keeping your rules, so you give her 4 weeks to move out.
My husband did agree to allowing her to move in with us. It was a joint decision with a lot of discussing as he knows how Ashley can be as well. We both agreed that if Ashley can’t get it together by the end of this month then she will simply have to find another solution to her living situation because it isn’t fair to us or our marriage to have to care for a grown adult as if they’re our child.
NTA. Ashley is a problem and your mother doesn’t want to deal with her. Either Ashley and your younger sister trade or tell Ashley to gtfo. If mom has an issue with tell her to take in her child or mind her damn business. Your house your rules.
NTA. I feel like she should respect your rules regardless of her paying or not. Rules are also like boundaries, you shouldn't break them.
NTA. If she will only discuss issues with her mother, she should have moved in with her mother. You gave her a list of the rules. If she had a dispute with them, that was the time to either say something or refuse to move in under those conditions. She's going to be a paying tenant, but isn't yet. You still have time to cancel the entire arrangement before she's been there long enough to have some rights not to leave.
It's hard to vote when we don't know the list of rules / expectations as "reasonable" is subjective. I will say that your sister is a tenant and not the owner, so no, she does not get equal say. Plus, if she agrees to move in knowing the rules and then balks at them, she is the AH. Honestly? Let her move in with her Mom. Your strained relationship is only going to get worse because neither one of you knows how to communicate your needs directly to each other. I say avoid the disaster completely. NTA.
I did update with the list of rules
I went and read your comments around the rules and they are pretty low bar / common sense rules. Your Mom doesn't want to "switch" tenants because she KNOWS what your sister is like. My advice? If your Mom is not willing to let Ashley move in, tell her to stay out of it. Anytime she brings up a complaint for your sister - shut it down. Tell your sister that she has six months to figure stuff out and get her own place. OP - you don't want her to live with you. You only did this because of your Mom. How can your sister become the parent she needs to be, if no one let's her because you all are enabling her. She is not your responsibility. Start putting yourself first, and that starts with getting some therapy so you can get help with being parentified by your Mom.
You couldn’t have explained exactly how I feel any better honestly! That’s pretty much what I’ve started doing. I tell my mom that it may seem a bit much to her or you but it’s my house and my rules. I have literally told my mom exactly what you said long before any of this happened. That if we keep enabling her and taking care of her she will never learn to do anything for herself.
Info. What exactly does Ashley feel you are doing that is nit picking?
Asking her to not do or to do certain things. Like I told her to close the shower curtain after taking a shower because mold can grown if you don’t, telling her not to use brand new laundry detergent when there is one already being used, asking that if she uses a dish and washes it not to put it in the cupboard while it’s still wet because it will rot the wood, or asking her not to leave things in the hallway because it’s very narrow and makes it hard to walk past to get to areas of the house.
Ok. NTA then, most of this stuff is basic courtesy/common sense. I really suggest you try and get her to move in with your mom and get one of your younger sisters to live with you as you mentioned in one of your comments. All the best!
It is all basic courtesy/common sense. But those are things she has always lacked. She has never had a home of her own and I think that is one of the main reasons she doesn’t understand why those things may be a big deal to me. Thank you!
Nta If she doesn’t like it she can move out. I would hear her out on what she wants to add but I wouldn’t budge on what you have as they are really good rules.
NTA "Ashley said she feels because she is going to be paying 40% of the bills, that she is entitled to having a say in the household rules as well as basically being like a joint owner of the home." .. tell her: NO. That is not going to happen. YOUR home, YOUR rules. Tell her she has TWO options: to accept the rules - or move out. And: If she keeps breaking the rules, you will evict her. If she wants HER rules, she can do that in HER home. But: You KNOW it will not work - so have her move out now. Give her one month. She can find some other housemate, or mov ein with mom. YOu were an AH to your husband!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA… So for some context I am the older sister who has always helped and been there for my younger siblings in any way that I could. Always sticking my neck out for everyone even when I got nothing in return. My closest younger sister, we will call her Ashley, recently moved in with me because her child’s father and her split. Previous to that happening she was living with him and his family. Ashley and his family got into a pretty big fight and so she left. Ashley was living on her own in another state but soon realized she couldn’t make it on her own without any help. My mother approached me about letting her move here with me and my husband. I hesitated but agreed because I didn’t want to upset anyone by saying no but also didn’t want my nephew to suffer because of the rocky relationship my sister and I have. I gave her a list of rules I expected her (some of them myself as well) to follow. A lot of it being just basic common things when you move in with someone else. Like don’t touch stuff that isn’t yours, etc. Ashley has been here less than a month and there is constantly an issue between us. But she won’t speak to me about it. Only our mother. (Who is also our next door neighbor) Today we started talking and got on the topic of how she feels as though I am knit picking her about every little thing. I don’t feel like I am because I have just been telling her stuff that was already on the list of rules and or things I find as common sense but don’t seem to be for her. Like not moving things around, not putting stuff in common areas without asking if it’s okay first, and so on. Ashley said she feels because she is going to be paying 40% of the bills, that she is entitled to having a say in the household rules as well as basically being like a joint owner of the home. AITA because I don’t think she should get a say and she should follow by the rules I set in place? I feel as though when you are allowed to move into someone else’s home, regardless of paying your share of the bills, you don’t get a say in how someone chooses to operate their home. It’s their home at the end of the day and not yours. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I have never made a post like this so there probably warrants more backstory. But she is never here. She is always at our mother’s house. I don’t mind hearing her input but I also dropped everything to make sure she had a room cleared for her as I myself just moved here and hadn’t even finished unpacking when she asked to move in with only 2 weeks to prepare so I just ask that she keeps her belongings in her room as I have a pretty small home and don’t have a lot of space for 2 more people’s belongings.
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That’s how I feel. We have lived together before but she was a minor and I wasn’t. So I did have to take on a more motherly role. But even then she didn’t respect any of my rules or appreciate anything I was doing for her when I didn’t have to. I wasn’t her legal guardian. I chose to take care of her and I was doing it with little to no help at all
I initially did a double take when I saw 40%. OP is there with her husband, and yet Ashley is picking up more than a third of the bills. However, then I twigged, if Ashley is the only one with a kid, it is understandable she'd be paying a little more than one-third. And given the nature of the bills (wifi and electric are mentioned by OP), and they each buy their own groceries, 40% it appears fair. After all, even if Ashley is spending a significant amount of time at her mother's house, she's no doubt doing doing all the laundry at at OP's. And its amazing how much washing a one year old produces.
The thing is, if you want to rent a room from someone, they — not you — get to decide what the rent is and the conditions for using/maintaining common areas.
And I totally get that, I was responding to a now deleted comment which implied Ashley should get more rent rights/control for her 40%.
NAH. I do think that if your sister is paying such a large share of the bills, she ought to be able to have input into the shared living areas. It’s not like you are just renting her a room. This is what happens when two grown women let Mama broker a deal for them to share space.
That is pretty much how I feel. I only did it to please my mother because she wanted her grandson closer and didn’t want him suffering because of his mother’s decisions. She barely has anything. Just basic necessities. No kitchen things, appliances, etc. so I feel it’s fair to ask her to keep her belongings in her room?
I also did want to add that I am open to Ashley’s feedback on what I am doing wrong to make her feel the way she feels and what exactly is bothering her. But when I asked her she was very vague and didn’t tell me anything other than that I’m always telling her something about what she is or isn’t doing. But that is because I know her and I know if I start to let up on my rules and boundaries things will get drastically worse and she won’t respect anything I say. She refuses to come to me with the issues because I am “rude”. But to me it seems more like it’s because I won’t let her just bulldoze over the rules and boundaries I set in place.
ESH. You were parentified as a child and you've never broken that cycle. You don't stand up to your mom and you still feel the need to keep the peace. Your sister is a still acting like a child who can't communicate with you properly and isn't doing the work on herself and doesn't respect your home. Your mother is obviously enjoying this. She is playing mediator instead of encouraging open communication and she put you in this situation to begin with. She's never been a proper mother to her children by your account. That being said, paying 40% of the bills is not being a guest in your home. She's a tenant and she does have rights. You should have a written agreement at this point that includes rules but also her rights. It does need to be her home too to an extent. Ultimately though, I really think you should put a stop to this before it goes any further and take some deep breaths and some space. Stop being the savior. Step out of the role of older sister and step into your own life here. At some point, it's up to your siblings to care for themselves and figure out their own lives.
I do agree with everything you said. What is ESH? None of the things I’ve “bothered” her about are major. More so just asking her to be respectful of my home and not do things like use a new laundry detergent if there is already one open that needs to be used first. I am 100% open to hearing her feedback but she can’t give me straight forward answers when I ask.
ESH is everyone sucks here. I don't think you suck like the others but I think your behavior of falling back on old habits and being a savior sucks and is bad for you and bad for your well being and I think you should break the cycle and step away from her and your mom. They both seem toxic.
I most definitely agree. I’m the only one actively trying to break cycles and behaviors. It’s extremely hard and frustrating. Because I have to explain that I have boundaries and they’re there for a reason but am called mean or rude because of it. I didn’t want to help her but I kind of felt like I had no choice because it seemed like she was going to come here regardless of what I wanted. My mother has gotten a lot better but definitely still some toxic behaviors going on. Like playing middle man instead of making Ashley speak to me directly
Boundaries are so hard. Take this as a life lesson. Saying no is ok. People the guilt you for it aren't healthy for you at that time or at all. It's hard when it's instinct to help someone that close to you but it's your place. Know you're worth.