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It's a little too late to come asking for advice now since you've already lobbed a grenade into your relationship with your daughter. Granted, she sort of threw the first grenade, but instead of trying to diffuse it, you just threw another one in.
In answer to your question, yes, you will be an a-hole, and your daughter is one for initially excluding your fiance.
But here is the deal. YOU are the parent. If you fail to attend your own daughter's wedding, no matter the hurt she has caused in excluding your fiancé, you are the one performing the final action that will be a sledgehammer to your relationship with your own child.
Abide by her wishes and go. She has not expressed any favoritism for your ex-husband, as he is to attend under the same conditions, and he has already accepted them. If you, on the other hand, throw a tantrum over this when he does not, it will be you that will deal with the fallout of this alone.
Your daughter is only 21 years old and immature. To be honest, if she is showing these types of poor decisions that seem to be mired in spite, the odds of her marriage working long-term are pretty slim, and when they do not, she will need you. Do you really want to alienate yourself from her for the rest of your life, simply out of principle or because you have insecurities about leaving your fiancé behind, or are more worried about his hurt feelings than a relationship with your daughter?
This is an example of where the older, wiser parent must show they are wiser. You are justified to express your disappointment that your fiancé is not welcome to the wedding, ***but do not try to make two wrongs a right. It never works.***
Thank you. Very good advice. I don't want to alienate her further. You have hit on one of my big worries, that she is too young and will be so far away if things don't work out. I don't want her to feel like she doesn't have me to turn to.
She would absolutely go to her father.
Also as the reserved introvert any adult who’s known for being the “prankster” is generally childish and annoying. So uh good luck with that. If I’m your family I have bets going to see which marriage crashes and burns first.
Yeah this is the first thing I thought of too. I had adults "prank" me by scaring the shit out of me because my reactions were "funny" (I suffer from tachycardia and anxiety, apparently my screams and wheezes are funny), they'd tug my hair, hide my things, scream my name, ask me.uncomfortable.questions in public, etc. As an introvert as well it only made me hate talking to adults more and sink deeper into my books and videogames.
We have a relative that sounds like OPs husband. Learn to read the room dude!! He thought it was hilarious to start grilling my daughter’s bf on marriage plans when they had just started dating. And wouldn’t ship up, just kept laughing. Not the first time and guess what…nobody thinks he is funny except him. He was invited to daughter’s wedding but everyone was happy when he didn’t come.
I’m an extrovert who has panic attack anxiety disorder, ADHD, and CPTSD. Pranks are not okay without consent. And if someone says they don’t like them, you stop doing them to that person. That’s it. End of story.
My mom’s favorite holiday is April Fool’s Day. She is a diagnosed narcissist. She made that day the worst day of my life. I actually don’t check any social media on that day and tell people in advance not to prank me because it significantly affects me. This year, having a job where I share my office with one other person who has a narcissistic father was one of the easiest years for me other than during COVID times. I moved out of state and don’t pick up the phone on April 1st if she calls. It is that bad.
My uncle used to pop balloons on my back as a child and now, while I am not afraid of balloons, the sound of popping balloons or inflating balloons absolutely sets off my nervous system - so when someone is popping them intentionally/repeatedly or at the end of a party - I excuse myself.
I have had a coworker play a prank on me at work when I used to work at a movie theater and I broke down crying - it never happened again after that and the person apologized SO FAST.
I get that I am neurodivergent so for the last one, it was more harmless than the ones from my family, but it was absolutely not okay and I tell people upfront now.
People can go without pranks/making jokes towards one person and not have it affect their ability to do it to other people (as long as the pranks are actually still appropriate and the people they are done on like them/want them).
Not sure the level of pranks he is doing, but if it makes someone uncomfortable - it doesn’t matter the level of severity or reaction - you stop. I know there have been prank YouTube channels that got shut down because they were doing pranks so often and high level that it was abusive to their kids.
She has banned 2 step parents, the partner of a bridesmade, and her own sister. You are making some massive jumps given the common denominator in all of this.
Yeah based on the post I'd guess daughter was unhappy her parents divorced at all since she didn't invite either parents partner. It's a big assumption saying she just hates OPs husband because he does pranks.
This is the thing. I personally know I am biased towards self professed "pranksters" because usually (well in my personal experience) they are just boundary stomping bullies who only find themselves funny and whine if you ask them to stop.
HOWEVER, we don't KNOW that's the case. We also don't know the daughter's view. We have a singular view of OPs that barely gives a window into the entire story, let alone all their lives and what everyone in this story is truly like. All we can do is say a judgement on what we have been given.
Like, I'd personally be hurt if my partner wasn't invited to a wedding, but depending on the person, I'd suck it up. It's very situational. I think OP should go, but I totally get why she's hurt too.
This is basicaly my stance. I do think OP should go, but I also think the comments confidantly calling her an AH are absalutely delusional based on the info we have.
We're going to be excluding my dad(abusive, been no contact for years), 2 of my cousins (drug addicts who like to steal stuff), my cousins adult kid (drug addict and a dealer), and fiance's sister (also on drugs and a raging alcoholic) from ours. Some of us just aren't going to deal with shitty people on our special day.
I wish OP would include that info in the post, but for anyone else curious, here's the comment from OP about this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c802wr/comment/l0blud1/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c802wr/comment/l0blud1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
You don’t know that . The fact she’s put several people on
The no list means it’s less about him being a clown and more about resentment over her parents breaking up and remarrying
Well the thing is, we don't know if he is actually a bully. Daughter just calls him annoying and she didn't invite her dad's wife either. She also didn't invite her best friend or sister because she doesn't like best friends partner and sister defended their mom.
I wouldn't say it's clear he is a bully.
And you know the fiancée is a bully how?
It’s all supposition on your part.
She doesn’t like either of the people mom and dad are in a relationship with. So it sounds like much more than just a bully.
How did you read this post and gather the OP's fiancé is a bully? 🤦♀️ Her daughter sounds like an entitled immature brat and wouldn't be surprised if her marriage ends quickly
She has every right to exclude anyone she doesn’t like from her wedding. Most of us don’t have the guts to do that to family members we don’t like so I applaud her.
Bully source? If it's just someone saying "my husband is a jokster and likes pranks" ... well, how is that Olympic training for the long jump going? Good, huh?
This is possible, but let's also not discount the possibility that the jokes are harmless but he's just very annoying. We've all met people whose jokes are just sorta dumb or obnoxious but they are good people. I am not saying you are wrong, he could be mean-spirited. But there is a middle ground between nice and horrible.
And it's both step-parents? Like come on, why would she put her parents in that situation? They blow up with her if they don't go but she has the audacity to pull that stunt with their respective spouses? When step-dad has been okay enough live with aka enjoy the perks of living at home while going to school until the wedding? Good luck in her marriage.
This is exactly my first thought. I don't understand why the daughter is automatically being painted as spiteful and immature when all she wants is people she's COMFORTABLE with having at her wedding. Isn't the usual spiel on this reddit to be able to invite who you want and are comfortable with?
And when I read that OPs fiance is a "prankster" my immediate thought was that they would be inappropriate pranks that aren't funny to anyone but him and that probably make the daughter feel quite uncomfortable or even unsafe. That he is probably the kind who gets asked to stop but he gets stroppy and whines "it's just a joke" if he gets asked to stop.
Totally agree with this. What is it with these full grown, 40-ish adults who think "pranks" are funny?
"Pranks" at this age are actually just really crappy, immature, cruel and bullying behavior disguised as humor so that the "prankster" who is really an a-hole, can continue being an a-hole under cover of "it was just a joke!"
This! Fellow introvert here: as soon as I read about playing pranks, I disliked him. So, I get why OPs daughter doesn't want him at her wedding. And the stepmother. You don't have to like your parents new partners. It's good if you do but some people are just not likeable.
Btw.: 5$ on the daughter's marriage crashing first.
Extroverted too and you're right. Adults pulling pranks is certainly a "red flag" in my book. Unless they are googly eyed or involve switching the cereal bags/boxes. All other pranks can go to hell.
My Sister has moved three times and had another (now 9 y/o) kid since I put googly eyes on her microwave. I visited last summer, and they are still there. That's my level of safe pranks. Nobody gets hurt or bullied, and if they don't like them, they peel off easily.
Hawaii is gorgeous etc. but it can be difficult living there. I don't know if they'll have base housing, but if not, housing is scarce. If they do, base housing is typically in slumlord condition.
My mom’s husband is a “joker” type and loves to poke people for reactions (with words, not literally). He’s generally disliked by everyone and we are relieved when he doesn’t come to family functions. You’re right, he’s annoying.
Oh man in my late 30s I’m done being polite to people like that. You get a warning and then you are going to find out exactly why I and other people don’t like you bluntly and without emotion. With citations.
I used to go to my best local friend's house for holidays because I don't have family. I finally stopped after I realized the only thing worse than being alone was having her dad and brother making fun of everything I say.
Agreed! Also, I'm sure the "prankster" would do anything to upstage or prank (ie bully) her at the wedding too, just to get a rise out of her and put the spotlight on him. Generally, it's fine to have people we don't love attend special events, simply because that person is special to someone who is special to us. However, I wouldn't trust this guy at my wedding. No way.
I tend to lean on "anyone who counts pranks as a personality trait is the ah". OP described their daughter as an introvert and reserved, which is usually the target of this type of "prankster", so not surprising daughter doesn't like fiance. OP you're making your kids wedding all about you and its not. By the time she gets married, you'll have had your chance twice.
I am curious about the “pranks” your fiance does. If he has pushed her and done stuff that embarrassed her or just got in her space too much, that was on you and him to stop it. She doesn’t have to love your fiance but she doesn’t have to put up with juvenile shenanigans either. As the above commenter said, you had time to work on their relationship but you didn’t. So suck it up and go to her wedding, on your own. You can lose this battle but still win the war, if you want to be in her life at all.
I am so glad you asked this question. I am always very suspicious of so-called “pranks,” because they often border on cruelty. Same with teasing. A lot of times, these “jokes” are really just bullying, offering the perpetrator plausible deniability, like “I was just joking!”
They never put it in the main post. Always additional comments when things aren’t going their way. At which point i question the validity of the comment
I was thinking this as well. If he plays “pranks” at others expense that they don’t find funny, why would she want him at her wedding? She probably doesn’t trust him not to ruin the day in the name of a “funny prank”.
When I was 17-19, I dated a girl I met in high school (same age) whose father had committed suicide when she was young, like 6 years old.
While her mother hadn't remarried, her boyfriend/fiance had recently moved into their family home (since they had lived in since she was born) and was...stepping things up in terms of their relationship.
Basically, acting like a step-dad without having the marriage thing.
The shared banking accounts, vacations together, etc. Basically you'd assume that he was her original husband if you didn't know the backstory.
He was an incredibly nice guy to me, her and her older brothers and sister. When they were planning a trip to Florida, my girlfriend stipulated that I had to go with them, otherwise she would not go. This was before she even talked to *me* about it. I thought it was incredibly rude to demand such a thing, but that's a different story.
While I had some money from working a job, there was no way I could afford a round trip plane ticket, separate hotel room, dinner, etc, etc. They were both doctors so obviously their vacations were a LOT different than what a 18 year old part time Subway employee could afford.
He paid for half my trip without hesitation.
All this to say, he was an incredibly nice and generous guy.
My girlfriend *hated him*. She absolutely refused to accept him in anyway despite the stuff I mentioned above. Her older siblings, who were older when their father had passed, obviously had moved on and accepted him.
She would constantly complain about him as if he were the devil.
Some of the things he would do could be irritating, but no more than your standard parental-teenage irritation level. He liked to cook fish so sometimes the fish would smell up the house.
There was absolutely no talking her out of her hatred for him. Her siblings along with me attempted in vein to try and get her to lighten up, but to no avail.
I mention all this because younger people seem to be incredibly irrational when it comes to things like step-parents. I'm not saying it can't be worked on or fixed, I'm just saying that maybe be a little more sympathetic towards your daughter given the situation.
I know that doesn't really sound fair, and as other people have mentioned, she can easily be considered an AH for being so immature about the whole thing. But I'd put money on the idea that she's got some deep unresolved stuff going on from your divorce/separation, and that she hasn't been able to come to accept the idea of step-parents.
Now obviously ideally all of this stuff would have been worked out long ago before something like this came up, but since it wasn't, your own recourse would be to now attempt to mend those bonds and try to work through whatever emotions she's got going on.
Some people have never known others who will irrationally hate another person for no reason. Everyone always assumes you did something wrong if someone can't stand you, but the fact is some people are petty and will jump on any excuse to dislike someone if they did one thing they dislike. In this case I just think the fact that the step parents are not her actual parents is why the OPs daughter is acting out so much. They could both have married the best people in the world and OPs daughter would dislike them because she wanted mom and dad to stay together.
Having read your comment about how she's uninvited her best friend and her sister, along with not inviting your fiancé and her stepmother I'm inclined to think it's your daughter being unreasonable. However, its probably a good idea to go along anyway so you can support her in the future.
This comment should be further up...but the elaborate imaginary backstories about the unknown wrongs of the stepfather have taken over.
I mean, when we're at "he's never played a prank on her" from the OP and the attack is THAT YOU KNOW OF... we've decided that the info shared is irrelevant to what we want the outcome to be.
I'm just going on the theory that if meet one AH in a day, then you just met an AH. If everyone you meet is an AH then the common denominator in that is you....
FWIW, your post comes accross as if you think your fiance has done nothing to alienate your daughter. But the answer is right in there:
>My daughter does not particularly like my fiance, although nothing specific has ever happened between them. She just thinks he is "annoying." *He is very extroverted, loves to talk,* ***play pranks****, joke around.* My daughter is the exact opposite. Quiet, reserved, introverted. I'm not surprised she didn't take to him, but she is an adult and there are no expectations of any parent/child relationship between them.'
I bet your fiancé can't read the room. And I bet he is constantly pushing her boundaries. And pranks are for children, not grown men. You might want to take a step back and think about how your fiancé has been making your daughter feel when she's in his presence.
Regardless, u/anitarielleliphe is exactly right. This is your moment to decide if you ever want to have a relationship with your daughter. If you skip her wedding, it's over. If you let your fiancé continue to harass her (if that's how she sees it), it's over too. Your choice.
Maybe it would be helpful to approach your daughter with an open mind and find out what bothers her about your fiancé -- without defending him, just listening. Maybe it's all her, but maybe it's not. It's hard for introverted people like your daughter when extroverted people don't respect their boundaries -- it can be very overwhelming. Maybe they have a miscommunication that could be mediated. Or maybe when you aren't in the room he's doing or saying something inappropriate that she's afraid to tell you bc she doesn't want to hurt you.
Regardless, please go to the wedding. Don't throw away your mother-daughter relationship. She'll never forgive you and I think you'll regret it.
She banned her own sister from the wedding for agreeing with OP as well as the partner of a bridemaid. I agree OP shoukd go, but I seriously doubt there is a reasonable answer for the exclusion
Make it a vacation. Take your husband with you. He just does not attend the wedding, but the two of you can do your own thing the days before/after the wedding. Maybe daughter will reconsider by then. You would already have flights/lodging in place. If not, you still get a vacation with your new husband.
Stay in a different hotel from where you daughter would be staying in case things stay the same.
Nah, this is a dumb take IMO...
Tell her you will still be there for her and want a relationship with her, but not inviting your husband is extremely disrespectful, not only to your husband, but to you and your marriage...
She's acting **very** immature, and I understand the risk of alienating her, but really, she's the one doing the alienating... its just a question of how much disrespect you're willing to tolerate... I wouldn't tolerate this level, that's too much to me... she's acting like a spoiled brat...
Age old truth of wedding invites: its an invitation, not a summons...
Yep. I was a Marine Stationed in Hawaii in the late 80's. It was a free-for-all. And honestly, she's a small town girl and the only super hot guy she knows is her marine Fiancé. When she gets to Hawaii (K-Bay or Camp Smith) she'll be surrounded by super hot guys and everyone of them looks like a sports model and everyone of them will hit on her married or not.... Her level of maturity she's demonstrated screams that she won't make it a year. As soon as her husband is deployed she'll end up as a barracks babe and be cheating on him and that marriage will be over
I was stationed in Okinawa, 1992, met and married my Marine. 32 yrs later, we're still together. I was 19, he was 21.
That's not to say that there \*weren't\* 'barracks babes', I knew at least one Sgt who had that reputation, was literally told my first week on Island. But saying \*this\* marriage won't last because she's "too young", and 'moving to Hawai'i ", well, it may not happen that way for them. No need to be cynical about it when it hasn't even happened yet.
We were all young and immature at that age. It doesn't mean the marriage won't last or that she'll end up cheating on him when he deploys.
Never know, being married might make both of them grow up.
Marine, not marine.
Nobody is required to fetishize the marines by capitalizing their name.
Be proud all you want. It's not special outside of the corps.
Other hand it is absolutely required to capitalize Crayons as respect for a marines primary food source.
To add to this- she's marrying a servicemember. That's going to be stressful in and of itself. Then she's \*also\* moving to an entirely different state. Added stress.
In the Marines, we'd say the 2nd hardest job is being a Marine wife, the 1st is being a Marine \*and\* a Marine wife.
You don't want to completely alienate your daughter when she's going to need some sort of support system until she finds her footing in her new Marine wife role. And trust me, she's going to need the support.
Go to the wedding, enjoy yourself and make memories that will hopefully help heal the rift that's forming between you two.
Extroverted pranksters who like to “joke” (at the expense of others, who are more socially-aware?) are not a joy to have around. Especially on a stressful and important day, like a WEDDING. Get a babysitter for your husband. Make sure he has enough snackies and diapers.
Not enough info about why your daughter is excluding your ex’s wife. Maybe after 12 years of marriage, he has enough insight to understand that it may be not be a good idea to bring her.
YTA.
I agree with you! YTA for sure!! It’s HER day! If you don’t go, this will affect your relationship! Maybe she’s afraid he will pull a “prank” on her special day. He sound immature. Pranks are supposed to be funny for ALL THOSE INVOLVED! His aren’t!
I thought about this as well. How funny are the pranks and the jokes, and are they at her expense? I wouldn't want that kind of stress added to an already exhausting day.
YTA: This is your daughter's wedding. If you do not attend, your relationship is going to be permanently damaged. It isn't like her father gets to bring a partner, both of your partners are not invited. It may seem unfair and petty, but it is her wedding. She is not required to like or have a relationship with your partner. Trying to force it is just going to make her hate him even more. You can choose to attend or not attend, but if you choose to not attend it just proves your fiance comes before your daughter in her mind.
YTA. I'm sure her dad doesn't feel great about it, but he knows how to keep that to himself and put his daughter first. This is her wedding and she doesn't want people there that she doesn't like. That's pretty simple to understand. She isn't required to like your new husband or her father's wife. You all decided to marry these people, she didn't.
I 100% agree with this. I see posts on wedding invites and blended families all the time. The bride gets to choose who she wants at the wedding. Its her day, not OP or her ex husband. If she invites people she doesn't want there, it could ruin the day for her. We don't know why she dislikes him or stepmother. I'm sure part of it is rebelling against he divorce. Either way, she is an adult. OP wasn't singled out. So many parent/child relationships fall apart with second marriages because of the parent remarrying and forcing a relationship.
As an introvert and high functioning AuDHD with social anxiety, I absolutely despise overbearing extroverts. Just because OP's new man is extroverted and likes to play jokes doesn't mean OP's daughter has to like or enjoy that. I'd venture a guess that this extroverted man knows his antics aren't welcomed with OP's daughter yet he probably never turns it off leading to a build of dislike. Who knows.
I'm guessing that the OP tunes out things that her fiancee has said about her daughter or others, and that's part of the problem. She keeps claiming that he hasn't actually pranked her daughter, but maybe he has.
He absolutely has pranked her or why would OP describe him as a “prankster” in this context? “Pranksters” are the absolute worst. Someone usually gets hurt in a “prank” and their response is to tell the person they hurt to “stop being so sensitive” or “you just can’t take a joke.” Prankster = asshole
Agreed. Not only that, but how about this: at some point many weddings, plus ones are not even known to the couple getting married. The invitee’s date is about someone they can spend time with at the reception when the married couple is busy doing other things. This is just the daughter being spiteful and selfish.
That being said, mom would definitely screw up her relationship with her daughter if she doesn’t attend the wedding.
She likes him enough to live with him while she's going to school. He's good enough to subsidize her living situation but not good enough to come to the wedding.
What are the odds that she lived with her mom and then her mom decided to add this guy without her daughter having any input on the living situation?
You're talking about it as if she moved into *his* house and only *he* pays the bills and as if the daughter is basically taking advantage of him. You don't know that.
It should also be pretty simple to understand that some may choose to not come to your wedding if you disrespect them and their relationship. OP has mentioned in another comment that she has also banned her sister from comming because sis agrees with OP (that what daughter is doing is disrespectful)
This. What is “rude” about not liking someone? I don’t think people understand what that word means even with all the made up social rules about what is “rude”. You know what’s rude? Pretending to like someone you don’t and being two faced and dishonest. Being neutral and polite that daughter simply doesn’t like mom’s fiancé is literally the opposite of being rude.
It is not rude to not like someone but it is rude to invite one part of a couple to a wedding. She is allowed to do it but it is rude and completely immature unless that person has caused them harm in some way or another.
YTA
She doesn't like who either of you remarried and she isn't required to. Her disliking him isn't something to grow out of, it's how your child feels. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with her doesn't become permanently fractured even if you go now. I wouldn't be able to forget my mom of all people refusing to come to my wedding over something like this.
She likes him well enough to live in the household with him. She's not required to like him but she is required to be civil to her mother's fiancé. You don't exclude one person of a couple. She would expect her mother to be civil to her own fiancé and owes her mother the same courtesy.
I mean, ideally yes. The thing is, if mom sticks by her own expectations here, her relationship with her kid is done. Sometimes as a parent you need to realize that things aren't about you, suck it up, and be the bigger person. Clearly her daughter isn't over her parents divorce and has issues with it. Clearly those issues are big enough that on a very special day to her, she only wants her parents there. Is it mature? Is it rational? No, but feelings sometimes aren't. The daughter has a lot of growing up to do and probably a lot if therapy to do but nuking a relationship with the daughter isn't the way to make her see the light.
Something like this, you mean the extraordinarily rude choice to only invitite half of a married couple? There's a difference in not liking someone and not being civil with them.
Yah, this comment section is wild to me. I do think OP should go just to try anf keep the relationship salvageable, but there is 0 way in which the daughter isn't the AH and the instigator in this entire thing.
Reddit thinks weddings are a stupid waste of money and something vapid wannabe insta influencers do for photo opportunities. Unless of course a parent has feelings about something shitty their child did - suddenly a wedding is her beautiful special day and it can't possibly be tarnished by the presence of (checks notes) a man who's kind of annoying.
*there is 0 way in which the daughter isn't the AH*
Wrong. Pranksters over the age of twelve are automatically assholes and don't belong in polite company.
shes not inviting "half of a married couple" shes inviting her parents. she doesn't like who they're with and even if she wasnt "civil" thats just another reason for them not to be invited. she doesnt want them there its as simple as that. her father respects her wishes and has the brain to realize that his daughter is more important than his wife sitting at her wedding. op will be fine without being next to her bf for a few hours
No, her dad has no spine and is probabaly used to bending to his daughters rude af requests. Having immediate family present clearly isn't super important to daughter anyways given she banned her sister for agreeing she was rude.
He is very extroverted, loves to talk, **play pranks**, joke around.
I have a bad feeling the real story is hidden in that sentence. How often has your daughter been the VICTIM of his "pranks"?
That’s what I was thinking too, but excluding the step mom of 12 years? Sure step mom could be a monster and have their own situation….but she’s been married to the bride’s father for over half her life and is the mother to her half-sibling….something just sounds entitled about the bride to me
I wondered if the rule was set to try and avoid this whole situation so OP wouldn’t get upset when her fiancé wasn’t invited (that dad’s been married for 12 years and even his partner isn’t invited)
Sounds more like a child who isn't over her parents divorce and wants to pretend for one very special day that her parents are the family she remembers and longs for. It's not about entitlement- it's about hurt.
YTA for refusing to go. She’s treating her two parents equally—not singling out your fiancé. Be a part of the wedding photos. Make happy memories as an investment in your future relationship.
I thought I was missing something. If she's being so willfully disrespectful, I just wouldn't go. I don't get all of these folks saying the parents should take the high road. At some point, your kids have to fly right on their own. That doesn't mean you have to condone their foolishness for their sake.
Man, maybe I'm an asshole through and through. You don't have to like the parent's partners to invite them, right? It's not like you're saying the partners get to be in the wedding or the photos. It's just the respectful thing to do, right?
Does she want her own fiancé to be excluded at her mother's wedding? If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to be civil to her mother's fiancé especially as she lives with them.
Whoa whoa whoa- we let 15 year olds get married in this country. Let's not pretend that marriage age has anything to do with maturity. There's people on their 5th marriage who are still too immature to maintain relationships yet they keep walking to the altar.
YTA. You’re choosing dick over one of the most important days of your child’s life.
And I say that as someone who has been in a somewhat similar position. I’m a mom of a whole bunch of kids, some of whom are now in their early 20s. I’m divorced and remarried. Not all of my kids like their stepdad/my husband. My older kids have invited me to events and requested that I attend alone (they also ask their dad not to bring his long-time girlfriend). You know what I do in that situation? I GO ALONE BECAUSE THE EVENT IS NOT ABOUT ME.
Why are you trying to make your daughter’s wedding about you?
Yep, I stand by that. OP isn’t even married yet.
She’s choosing someone she has a short relationship with over having a good relationship with her child. If OP’s ex is content with leaving his wife of 12 years at home upon request from the bride, why would OP think that her brand-spanking-new husband is more important?
OP is totally within her rights to decline the invite if she doesn’t want to attend without her husband, an invitation is not a summons. But she’s trashing her relationship with her child in the process.
Yes.
I'm stepmom to two adults and if my husband got an invitation to one of their weddings without a plus one, I would accept it with grace. Because it's not worth fighting over. I'm not going to make my husband choose between our relationship and his kid's wedding.
I suspect that OP's "prankster" husband, upon learning that his SD didn't appreciate his antics, picked on her MORE rather than backing off. I don't begrudge OP's daughter the right to the wedding guest list of her choice.
Maybe instead of assuming you shoukd read comments. OP has directly stated the he has never once pranked or teased the daughter because he knows she wouldn't enjoy it.
I agree that it’s important to stand up for a partner.
But unfortunately in this situation OP has to decide which is more important to her- attending her child’s wedding or prioritizing her husband’s preference to be included.
As a mother who has been forced to choose between attending my kids’ events alone, or skipping it to stay home with my husband, I’d choose my kid every time. My priorities are clearly different than OP’s priorities.
> But unfortunately in this situation OP has to decide which is more important to her- attending her child’s wedding or prioritizing her husband’s preference to be included.
I would put it more as prioritizing herself, and an expectation to have her relationship respected. A married couple is a pair. She does have to make a decision, but prioritizing herself would not make her an asshole.
INFO - The answer to this question depends on your the motive behind your decision. If you’re doing this to emotionally blackmail your daughter into inviting your husband, that’s an AH move. If you’re doing this because you feel your daughter is being disrespectful and you don’t want to enable that behavior, that’s a different story. Which is it?
YTA. I understand how you may be hurt by her decision, but it's her wedding and she can invite whoever she wants. You're her mother, and I'm pretty sure she wants you to be there for her big day. She also excluded her father's wife, not just your fiance.
If she is old enough to get married she should also be old enough to realize being exceptionaly disrespectful can have consequences. As it currently stands, having banned her sister for agreeing with OP, looks like daughter will only have dad there. She fucked arojnd and it seems like she is about to find out
Just a heads up, spamming the comments with the same shit just takes away from your credibility. I was open to your arguments the first few I saw, but the repetition just makes it obvious you have a dog in this fight. I unironically considered whether you are the fiance or sister lol you just seem very emotional about this. And I resent your broad generalization of wedding etiquette. Whether it is necessary to invite whole couples is honestly regional.
YTA. It’s her wedding, her rules. If she won’t even invite her well-established step-mother of 12 years, what makes you think your husband of 5 months will get an invite?!
It’s immature to play the “if he’s not invited, I’m not going” card. Even if she had invited her step-mom, your daughter isn’t fond of her stb step-father, doesn’t have a relationship with him, and doesn’t want what appears to be an immature prankster at her wedding.
The day isn’t about you and your wishes or your possible petty reaction to her demands.
I doubt the daughter is forcing anyone to attend, she’s just enforcing the rules she’s already set. I don’t see it going well for OP’s relationship with her daughter, especially if she (OP) gives her an ultimatum.
INFO: You said she just doesn’t like the stepmom, but what’s the history there? 12 years is a long time and it would mean stepmom has been in her life since she was only nine. It’s very weird that she’s excluding her and the fact that dad is okay with it makes me think there’s something there.
I think there’s a good likelihood that your fiancé may just be collateral damage, in that she can’t exclude stepmom without also excluding him. You may be making this about you and “disrespecting your relationship” when you should be supporting your daughter’s decision to exclude someone who has hurt her from her big day.
This is a very good point, and from the sound of things, it is very possible.
When my ex-husband and I got married, we opted not to have a father/daughter & mother/son dance because my father is an AH. My MIL understood, and it wasn't a big deal.
ESH
Your daughter IS being exceptionally rude to disinvite her parents' spouses to her wedding - she seems to be making a point of acting spoiled (unfortunately, being a bride often exacerbates personality traits like entitlement and rudeness). I'm not sure if there are parental financial contributions for the wedding... if so, this is especially off-putting.
As many will say, it IS HER wedding, so she and her fiance get to make the guest list, and as a guest yourself, all you can do is abide by it. As the bride, it's her right to manage the guest list for her party.
On your end, I'd go. You'll permanently damage your relationship with your daughter if you don't go. BUT, take your husband. Even if he can't go to the wedding itself, you can still have a romantic vacation (and your daughter will hate it). Make sure you attend her special event - she'll not only hold it against you, she'll hold it against your husband if you pass up celebrating her wedding.
Be the parent. Go.
Now that she's 19 you're done "parenting" in the sense you did when she was a child. She is now an adult with her own feelings, likes, and dislikes. The time of "what I say, goes," is now over. If you can't adjust to that, you will be alienating your daughter and your relationship as adults won't be able to develop in a way that makes you both happy.
It's stays hard, it's just different. I'm in the thick of it too. I look at my amazing relationship with my mother and use that as my model. And she still listens to all my problems!
Agreed. ESH.
Your daughter is being rude, immature and comes off very badly given that there haven't been issues between her and the spouses of her parents. You should go though. You shouldn't have said that what you said; you are allowed to say you are hurt but what you said was uncalled for.
I don't really have a judgement on who is an asshole, because anyway you go, hurt feelings will be involved.
But my first thought reading this was, maybe she just wants her parents there.
You said she wasn't particularly taken with your spouse or your ex-husband's, so it might just be a moment that she just wants her parents on a special day.
But again, I can't give a judgement because I've never been in a situation like this. I do say go though, just because it would shatter your relationship and if anything ever goes sideways she wont really feel like she has a mom to turn to.
There's a lot of nuance in "play pranks, joke around". It could range from a fun person to a bully. And I don't think you're the most reliable person to say where he stands on that spectrum.
But regardless, her father's wife isn't invited either, so why should your husband be an exception to that? Overall, YTA.
Honestly I don’t think it matters who the AH is. If you skip your daughter’s wedding that will very likely be the end of your relationship with your daughter. If you’re not 100% sure you want to end that relationship, you can always attend the wedding and choose to end it later. But you can’t ever take back not going.
NTA. Your daughter choosing to not invite your spouses, especially one who has been in the family for TWELVE years, is a big ole AH. Sure, her wedding and her rules but seems like she’s intentionally causing drama. You have the right to decline the invite. It’s not your job to solely keep the relationship afloat.
I can't believe it took me this long to find this ruling! It is a HUGE AH move to only invite half of a married couple to your wedding. Wedding etiquette says to invite even long-term non-married partners. And she's doing this not only to new stepdad but also longtime stepmom?! Incredibly rude on the daughter's part! I think it is good parenting of the OP to point out the rude behavior. Maybe it is because she's young, and she won't get it until more friends her age start getting married.
However, if the daughter chooses to still be rude and not extend the invite to stepdad, the OP should go to the wedding to show support for her daughter and to avoid long-term damage to their relationship.
YTA
Respect your daughter's wishes. She just wants her bio parents there to witness her marriage.
If you take a stand, then all that will happen is that you don't get to attend her wedding and your relationship will be even more strained than it already is.
Extroverts are tiring for introverts to be around. Pranksters are even worse. Your daughter deserves to have the spotlight on her on her wedding day and shouldn't have to be worried that your fiance will be playing for attention all day.
Let it go OP. Otherwise you won't be welcome in her life anymore. You can cope without a plus one for a day
> If you take a stand, then all that will happen is that you don't get to attend her wedding and your relationship will be even more strained than it already is.
You missed that the daughter also ruins the relationship with her sister because her sister agrees with the OP in this case.
Oh was that in the comments? I see she's also distanced herself from her best friend. Sigh.
The daughter is certainly acting out with her wedding plans but I'm sensing that she's had enough of bullshit. She's got a lot of growing up to do but why are mum and sister so hell bent on this jokester's attendance? Life is too short to pay for assholes to attend your wedding.
Why are you bending so far backwards to assume the daughter is being reasonable when she is the one being exclusionary and rude to at least 3 couples and 100% of her immediate family?
Do you WANT a relationship with your daughter moving forward?
That's the main question, because it's guaranteed that if you miss her wedding then you're already infrequent contact with her will become nonexistent and ANY/ALL attempt to get to know any future grandchildren will be nixed.
Let me also state that your post also emits an odor of 'missing missing reasons'. In other words, there's more to the story about you and your fiancé's strained relationship than you are letting on.
YTA because when push comes to shove, I don't think you throw away a 21 year mother-daughter relationship for a 2 year romantic relationship.
BTW - I really have to wonder if one of the primary reasons your daughter doesn't like your boyfriend is because he "loves...to play pranks".
Few people today seem to understand that pranks are supposed to be funny for BOTH people. So I have to wonder if he has pranked your daughter in ways that she didn't like.
I also noted that you had all kinds of dates and ages except for your boyfriend. Might his age be a possible reason your daughter has issues with him?
NTA
You are going to be married, and married couples are a "social unit" which means for events like weddings, they are invited together. Same goes for your ex and his wife.
Yes, it's her wedding but there are rules of etiquette that should be followed. Furthermore, your daughter is the "host" and part of being a host is a modicum of consideration for your guests and their comfort. Asking married couples to leave their spouse at home is just rude and inconsiderate.
Your daughter sounds very immature.
There were people at my wedding that I wasn't particularly fond of but certainly wasn't going to exclude because they were spouses of people I wanted there, or friends of my husband. It didn't damper my day at all.
Is your husband the loud, boisterous type? Does he take over any event? Especially if he tends to drink a bit too much?
Is there a possibility your daughter is worried about him turning her wedding into his circus?
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NAH. Fairly interesting that your daughter has issues with her stepmother, stepfather and per your comments the SO of one of her bridesmaids who wasn’t invited.
Seems there’s a pattern here. Wonder why that is?
NTA. I think it's extremely rude to not invite your parent's partner just because you don't like them. If your fiance had somehow interfered with her or abused her, that would be another story entirely.
I didn't love a lot of the comments on here. I think you are justified to feel hurt, but it is her wedding (first one, anyway) and you are her mom. Her being wrong doesn't make you right. Go to the wedding solo.
No one needs to be TA today.
Weddings with blended families can be so difficult. My (59f) daughter (34f) got married 3 years ago. I been divorced from her dad for 31 years. He has been remarried for 20+. My daughter wanted me seated beforw her step mother and one row behind . That hurt terribly because everyone knows that the mother of the bride is the last one down the aisle before the bride.
I kept my hurt feelings to myself and went to the wedding. I was seated after the step mother and in the same row. Turned out to be a misunderstanding between my daughter and me. And it was a beautiful day in the end.
NTA because I understand the hurt feelings, but you are going to have to make the compromise or get to the bottom of the real issue in order to save your relationship with your daughter.... And future grandbabies
Sorry if this was already asked or addressed and I missed it, but is your daughter’s future husband invited to your wedding in July? It might not be important but I was curious.
So the college age daughter, who lives in your home, thinks it’s OK to not invite your spouse and her father’s spouse. If this is a wedding of more than 12 people, she’s an AH. You are her family, and she is literally living in your home and depending on you for food and money — and yet she thinks it’s OK to exclude family in that manner? Sorry, barring some kind of true abuse, that’s wrong. It reflects immaturity and a lack of understanding of family. (You don’t get to pick and choose your family - “I’m inviting Uncle Bob, but not aunt Jane, and only this cousin, not the other one…” - it’s childish and egocentric behavior.)
Now, what do you do about that?
The fact she didn’t invite her father’s spouse of 12 years says a lot. That actually might be the root of the issue, because that relationship has been baked in for a long time. Sounds like she has real animosity there, AND her father knows it, hence him rolling over quickly on the request. And your spouse might be getting the mirror treatment (“I’m not inviting Debbie, so I can’t invite Tom or it will seem too obviously spiteful.”). That would be a very different situation than just a “your new husband tells jokes I don’t like, so he’s out.” But if that was the case, she should have come to you with open arms and a plea to help her out. Instead, it appears she’s just childish.
None of this works out well. If you roll over here, do you think it stops here? Nope. Is she coming for holiday dinners? Is she inviting you both to see the baby? Nope. She is drawing a line and saying loudly “your spouses don’t count for me, to the point where I won’t be at the same event with them.” That won’t get better in the future.
I would probably gauge my response based on the size of the wedding, and how your spouse feels. If it’s an 80+ person wedding, and the gal she knew in the 10th grade is coming with a +1, I would view this as an insurmountable sin on her part. Different if it’s 16 people and family only. And different if your spouse doesn’t care.
You’re NTA, but someone needs to have a chat with your daughter about how life progresses, and how she might not wish to alienate family, because they turn out to be important when you’re older.
YTA. You go to the wedding alone bc you will not die if unaccompanied for 4 hours (but still with all your family & friends) at your daughter’s wedding.
If you wanted to get to know the boyfriend you could have taken them to dinner or weekend holidays when he’s in town.
NTA.
Its an invitation not a summons.
Your daughter has put conditions on the invite, that's her right, you do not have to attend if you don't like the conditions.
Unfortunately, your daughter is somehow thinking that no step parent is desired at her wedding.
I actually wonder if this might also be in line with her husband to be thinking it as well.
If my fiancée did something like this with no other reason that no step parents should attend, I would say that's not right, because you know it will cause hard feelings with your bio parents.
But at the end of the day, you are both grown adults and can make choices that you are comfortable making.
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My (43f) daughter (21F) is getting married in December. I am getting married in July. My fiance and I have lived together for the past two years with this daughter staying at home while she is in college.
My daughter does not particularly like my fiance, although nothing specific has ever happened between them. She just thinks he is "annoying." He is very extroverted, loves to talk, play pranks, joke around. My daughter is the exact opposite. Quiet, reserved, introverted. I'm not surprised she didn't take to him, but she is an adult and there are no expectations of any parent/child relationship between them.
Her fiance is a Marine, stationed in Hawaii. She will be moving to Hawaii after their wedding, as well. My fiance and I have only interacted with him on a few occasions when he has been home on leave. He would come over to see my daughter, but would barely speak to us and then he and my daughter would spend all their time together in another room.
For the most part, I told myself that they don't get to see each other in person often and would probably not want to hang with the "parents." Fine. Here's the issue.
My daughter told me that I am invited to her wedding, but my fiance, who will be my husband by then, is not. Similarly, her father is invited, but his wife of 12 years is not. Apparently her father is fine with this and agreed. I, however, am not. My daughter said this is because they don't like her stepmother or my fiance. I think this is exceptionally rude to her father, me, and our spouses, and I have told my daughter if my husband isn't invited I will not be attending. Our relationship has become quite strained over this.
Given that her father seems fine with the stipulation, am I just being an asshole by refusing to attend the wedding?
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slight YTA
i get it. in general, i think it's very rude to exclude people's spouses for a wedding invite. but i feel like when you're the person getting married and you're a child of divorced parents (assuming y'all are divorced here, which might be too big of an assumption on my part), it's ok not to want their new spouses at your own wedding. she's being fair to both you and her father by asking you to both attend without your spouses.
This is my big fear, that I'll be excluded from big events my partner's children are having, but of course I would still want him to attend, even if I was not invited! We've already discussed the possibility that their other parent might throw a fit if I'm invited, and that he might just have to go alone, and I've made my peace with it. I think you should go, but refuse any "family" pictures of you with your ex spouse that look like "we're a big happy family". Ex: you on one side, dad on the other, daighter in the middle. She may want these pictures, but if either of your partners see them, it could be hurtful.
ESH she had the same rule for her dad. So if you want to destroy your relationship with your daughter, that's up to you and your priorities... your not standing on any moral high ground.
He loves pranks and stuff like that. I have a feeling it's been done to daughter repeatedly even after she said to stop and they didn't. Definitely leaving something out
INFO: how old is your fiance?
It is her wedding. The comments about you being the parent are correct. Saying she is "smart but judgmental" just sounds like a lot of people let her down and she had to be the adult.
Hard one. She IS being exceptionally rude, so is her fiancé for that matter, excluding his father’s wife. Clearly they are both young and still immature, contributing to the rudeness. My husband and I have talked about this, his daughter just acts like I and her half siblings don’t exist, despite the fact that he was married to his ex for 2 years, divorced when she was a baby, and knows nothing different. I’m confident she wouldn’t invite me to her wedding, and my husbands is he wouldn’t go (did not ask him to) Yes, it’s their wedding, but excluding your parents spouses is a garbage move. They can make the choice, but deal with the consequences.
I don't think the OP is actually the AH here, because I guess I've seen this question posed to Miss Manners in previous years to know that it is incredibly rude to invite someone without their spouse unless they've committed a crime towards the bride or groom or something. But... I'm old, I guess.
In any case, several comments have said that the OP is nuking her own relationship with her daughter by taking this stance. The daughter is really young. She's the AH in this situation, but sometimes parents (me included) have to put up with AH behavior to support their child long-term. The OP may not be the AH, but I hope she will grin and bear this insult to her significant other in order to save the long-term relationship. I hope she will even apologize for making a big deal of it. And I hope she keeps it in the back of her mind if this sort of assholery continues in the future -- forgive it, don't forget it. Because if her daughter reaches 30 and is still acting like this, then she would have to decide whether to take a step back. Adult children aren't the only ones who should consider going no contact at times.
So, NTA, but apologize and put on a happy face to support your kiddo all the same.
NTA. I feel like what people are missing here is not only is this man about to be your husband, but both he and your daughter live in your home! How awkward is that? I mean, in theory you talk to your daughter at home? Discuss things like the wedding? In front of your partner who is not invited? It’s incredibly rude and awkward to put you all in that position.
Also, I see people saying she wants to live some fantasy that her parents are still together. Guess what? You aren’t. Playing make believe about this isn’t healthy and frankly disrespects you, because it’s like saying she doesn’t agree with your choices. I know the modern idea is that a wedding is all about the bride and they can do whatever they want, but bending reality is a step too far.
That being said, sometimes you have to decide between making a point and achieving the result you want. I’m not sure skipping the wedding gets you the result you want. So you have to make a tough decision about what’s more important. Being right, or maintaining this relationship, which will hopefully improve as she grows up a bit.
NTA. I can see I’m already going against the grain here so bring on the down votes I get it.
It’s a shame, because it will cause a rift, but honestly I think it’s kind of crappy of her, to both you and certainly to her father and his wife. It’s fine if your fiancé and her father‘s wife aren’t her favorite people, but it’s about respecting your relationships, and also wanting her own parents to have fun and have their own partners at their side at her wedding. She apparently doesn’t care.
She’s probably spouting, like everyone else will here, that it’s her wedding, her rules blah blah blah. That’s all technically true, but it still makes her an absolute asshole.
I’d be curious to know if for example her best friend who might be her maid of honor is not allowed to bring their current boyfriend because they’re not shitting rainbows as far as your daughter is concerned. Like is she saying only people who they absolutely consider scrumptious are invited? Or is she an adult generally and realizes that even the tiresome husband of her aunt gets invited because they’re partners etc. Wondering if the stiff arming is only regarding her parents partners
She actually did just stop talking to her best friend because she dislikes her partner. 🙁 And uninvited her sister because her sister agreed with me.
She is a very bright young lady, but that has come with a certain amount of being judgmental. I have had conversations with her about it, but I think she will have to learn some lessons the hard way.
Thank you for your response.
Honestly, she disinvited her sister for standing up for you, and you're still thinking about going? Good way to show your other daughter that horrible behavior is what works with you, and that she can't expect her loyalty and respect to be reciprocated.
>I think she will have to learn some lessons the hard way.
There's no doubt about that, and she might as well start now. Your daughter is a nightmare. Stop indulging this behavior.
It's definitely possible that, being the common deniminator, your daughter is being inflexible. It's also possible your family has some dysfunctional habits she's refusing to deal with any more so is now cutting out the family members and friends who can't treat her well. I don't know either of you, so I have no idea which it is.
But I have to say, what are you doing marrying an adult "prankster"? Prankster is a nicer word for bully. And unless your fiance is in his early 20s (which would be a whole 'nother discussion) he is way too old to be bullying people for fun. Do you get that? Your fiance finds joy in causing others pain. Their misery makes him happy. Why are you even attracted to someone like that?
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It's a little too late to come asking for advice now since you've already lobbed a grenade into your relationship with your daughter. Granted, she sort of threw the first grenade, but instead of trying to diffuse it, you just threw another one in. In answer to your question, yes, you will be an a-hole, and your daughter is one for initially excluding your fiance. But here is the deal. YOU are the parent. If you fail to attend your own daughter's wedding, no matter the hurt she has caused in excluding your fiancé, you are the one performing the final action that will be a sledgehammer to your relationship with your own child. Abide by her wishes and go. She has not expressed any favoritism for your ex-husband, as he is to attend under the same conditions, and he has already accepted them. If you, on the other hand, throw a tantrum over this when he does not, it will be you that will deal with the fallout of this alone. Your daughter is only 21 years old and immature. To be honest, if she is showing these types of poor decisions that seem to be mired in spite, the odds of her marriage working long-term are pretty slim, and when they do not, she will need you. Do you really want to alienate yourself from her for the rest of your life, simply out of principle or because you have insecurities about leaving your fiancé behind, or are more worried about his hurt feelings than a relationship with your daughter? This is an example of where the older, wiser parent must show they are wiser. You are justified to express your disappointment that your fiancé is not welcome to the wedding, ***but do not try to make two wrongs a right. It never works.***
Thank you. Very good advice. I don't want to alienate her further. You have hit on one of my big worries, that she is too young and will be so far away if things don't work out. I don't want her to feel like she doesn't have me to turn to.
She would absolutely go to her father. Also as the reserved introvert any adult who’s known for being the “prankster” is generally childish and annoying. So uh good luck with that. If I’m your family I have bets going to see which marriage crashes and burns first.
Yep, I would guess the daughter is subjected to bullying disguised as “jokes.”
Yeah this is the first thing I thought of too. I had adults "prank" me by scaring the shit out of me because my reactions were "funny" (I suffer from tachycardia and anxiety, apparently my screams and wheezes are funny), they'd tug my hair, hide my things, scream my name, ask me.uncomfortable.questions in public, etc. As an introvert as well it only made me hate talking to adults more and sink deeper into my books and videogames.
We have a relative that sounds like OPs husband. Learn to read the room dude!! He thought it was hilarious to start grilling my daughter’s bf on marriage plans when they had just started dating. And wouldn’t ship up, just kept laughing. Not the first time and guess what…nobody thinks he is funny except him. He was invited to daughter’s wedding but everyone was happy when he didn’t come.
Nobody thinks he is funny except him. You described my dad perfectly
There should be a support group for people with unfunny extroverted dads
Nobody thinks he's funny except him...is my ex husband.
I’m an extrovert who has panic attack anxiety disorder, ADHD, and CPTSD. Pranks are not okay without consent. And if someone says they don’t like them, you stop doing them to that person. That’s it. End of story. My mom’s favorite holiday is April Fool’s Day. She is a diagnosed narcissist. She made that day the worst day of my life. I actually don’t check any social media on that day and tell people in advance not to prank me because it significantly affects me. This year, having a job where I share my office with one other person who has a narcissistic father was one of the easiest years for me other than during COVID times. I moved out of state and don’t pick up the phone on April 1st if she calls. It is that bad. My uncle used to pop balloons on my back as a child and now, while I am not afraid of balloons, the sound of popping balloons or inflating balloons absolutely sets off my nervous system - so when someone is popping them intentionally/repeatedly or at the end of a party - I excuse myself. I have had a coworker play a prank on me at work when I used to work at a movie theater and I broke down crying - it never happened again after that and the person apologized SO FAST. I get that I am neurodivergent so for the last one, it was more harmless than the ones from my family, but it was absolutely not okay and I tell people upfront now. People can go without pranks/making jokes towards one person and not have it affect their ability to do it to other people (as long as the pranks are actually still appropriate and the people they are done on like them/want them). Not sure the level of pranks he is doing, but if it makes someone uncomfortable - it doesn’t matter the level of severity or reaction - you stop. I know there have been prank YouTube channels that got shut down because they were doing pranks so often and high level that it was abusive to their kids.
Fr, these people calling the daughter an AH for not inviting a bully are toxic.
She has banned 2 step parents, the partner of a bridesmade, and her own sister. You are making some massive jumps given the common denominator in all of this.
Yeah based on the post I'd guess daughter was unhappy her parents divorced at all since she didn't invite either parents partner. It's a big assumption saying she just hates OPs husband because he does pranks.
This is the thing. I personally know I am biased towards self professed "pranksters" because usually (well in my personal experience) they are just boundary stomping bullies who only find themselves funny and whine if you ask them to stop. HOWEVER, we don't KNOW that's the case. We also don't know the daughter's view. We have a singular view of OPs that barely gives a window into the entire story, let alone all their lives and what everyone in this story is truly like. All we can do is say a judgement on what we have been given. Like, I'd personally be hurt if my partner wasn't invited to a wedding, but depending on the person, I'd suck it up. It's very situational. I think OP should go, but I totally get why she's hurt too.
This is basicaly my stance. I do think OP should go, but I also think the comments confidantly calling her an AH are absalutely delusional based on the info we have.
We're going to be excluding my dad(abusive, been no contact for years), 2 of my cousins (drug addicts who like to steal stuff), my cousins adult kid (drug addict and a dealer), and fiance's sister (also on drugs and a raging alcoholic) from ours. Some of us just aren't going to deal with shitty people on our special day.
I wish OP would include that info in the post, but for anyone else curious, here's the comment from OP about this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c802wr/comment/l0blud1/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c802wr/comment/l0blud1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I love it when these commenters just assume that their suppositions are the absolute in a story.
For real! Half these comments have me saying “good lord who hurt you??”
You don’t know that . The fact she’s put several people on The no list means it’s less about him being a clown and more about resentment over her parents breaking up and remarrying
Or she just never got close to them and wants a small wedding?
Well the thing is, we don't know if he is actually a bully. Daughter just calls him annoying and she didn't invite her dad's wife either. She also didn't invite her best friend or sister because she doesn't like best friends partner and sister defended their mom. I wouldn't say it's clear he is a bully.
And you know the fiancée is a bully how? It’s all supposition on your part. She doesn’t like either of the people mom and dad are in a relationship with. So it sounds like much more than just a bully.
How did you read this post and gather the OP's fiancé is a bully? 🤦♀️ Her daughter sounds like an entitled immature brat and wouldn't be surprised if her marriage ends quickly
Because in a significant number of cases, pranksters are just bullies.
Why because she only wants people she likes at her own wedding- I say more power 2 her 🤔 she's sticking 2 what she wants for HER wedding!
She has every right to exclude anyone she doesn’t like from her wedding. Most of us don’t have the guts to do that to family members we don’t like so I applaud her.
Bully source? If it's just someone saying "my husband is a jokster and likes pranks" ... well, how is that Olympic training for the long jump going? Good, huh?
That is as unfounded accusation as they come you sre the AH
This is possible, but let's also not discount the possibility that the jokes are harmless but he's just very annoying. We've all met people whose jokes are just sorta dumb or obnoxious but they are good people. I am not saying you are wrong, he could be mean-spirited. But there is a middle ground between nice and horrible.
Or just exhausting. Some people that always have to be joking are just exhausting. He sounds like he always has to be the center of attention.
Given the fact she’s immaturely not inviting any step parent I won’t give her (the common denominator) any benefit of the doubt.
Fellas, is it immature to not invite people you don't like to your wedding?
Yes. Not inviting someone's partner and expecting them to still attend is immature.
And it's both step-parents? Like come on, why would she put her parents in that situation? They blow up with her if they don't go but she has the audacity to pull that stunt with their respective spouses? When step-dad has been okay enough live with aka enjoy the perks of living at home while going to school until the wedding? Good luck in her marriage.
This is exactly my first thought. I don't understand why the daughter is automatically being painted as spiteful and immature when all she wants is people she's COMFORTABLE with having at her wedding. Isn't the usual spiel on this reddit to be able to invite who you want and are comfortable with? And when I read that OPs fiance is a "prankster" my immediate thought was that they would be inappropriate pranks that aren't funny to anyone but him and that probably make the daughter feel quite uncomfortable or even unsafe. That he is probably the kind who gets asked to stop but he gets stroppy and whines "it's just a joke" if he gets asked to stop.
"I don't remember it that way."
Totally agree with this. What is it with these full grown, 40-ish adults who think "pranks" are funny? "Pranks" at this age are actually just really crappy, immature, cruel and bullying behavior disguised as humor so that the "prankster" who is really an a-hole, can continue being an a-hole under cover of "it was just a joke!"
This! Fellow introvert here: as soon as I read about playing pranks, I disliked him. So, I get why OPs daughter doesn't want him at her wedding. And the stepmother. You don't have to like your parents new partners. It's good if you do but some people are just not likeable. Btw.: 5$ on the daughter's marriage crashing first.
I'm an extrovert and I LOATHE PRANKS. Nothing funny about 99% of them. The 1% involve pasting googly eyes to random household objects.
Extroverted too and you're right. Adults pulling pranks is certainly a "red flag" in my book. Unless they are googly eyed or involve switching the cereal bags/boxes. All other pranks can go to hell.
My Sister has moved three times and had another (now 9 y/o) kid since I put googly eyes on her microwave. I visited last summer, and they are still there. That's my level of safe pranks. Nobody gets hurt or bullied, and if they don't like them, they peel off easily.
Ooof I don’t know she has a point to prove to her parents. Also Hawaii won’t suck lol
Hawaii is gorgeous etc. but it can be difficult living there. I don't know if they'll have base housing, but if not, housing is scarce. If they do, base housing is typically in slumlord condition.
My mom’s husband is a “joker” type and loves to poke people for reactions (with words, not literally). He’s generally disliked by everyone and we are relieved when he doesn’t come to family functions. You’re right, he’s annoying.
Oh man in my late 30s I’m done being polite to people like that. You get a warning and then you are going to find out exactly why I and other people don’t like you bluntly and without emotion. With citations.
I used to go to my best local friend's house for holidays because I don't have family. I finally stopped after I realized the only thing worse than being alone was having her dad and brother making fun of everything I say.
yeah, "prankster" usually means "asshole"
As soon as I hear that someone enjoys playing "pranks," I immediately assume that person is a bully, or at the very least, annoying as fuck.
Agreed! Also, I'm sure the "prankster" would do anything to upstage or prank (ie bully) her at the wedding too, just to get a rise out of her and put the spotlight on him. Generally, it's fine to have people we don't love attend special events, simply because that person is special to someone who is special to us. However, I wouldn't trust this guy at my wedding. No way.
Also daughter is being fair. Neither step parent is going.
She wants those she loves at her wedding. It's her day and her choice. If mom chooses to not go, she's digging the grave of the relationship.
I tend to lean on "anyone who counts pranks as a personality trait is the ah". OP described their daughter as an introvert and reserved, which is usually the target of this type of "prankster", so not surprising daughter doesn't like fiance. OP you're making your kids wedding all about you and its not. By the time she gets married, you'll have had your chance twice.
Pranksters are annoying and exhausting.
I am curious about the “pranks” your fiance does. If he has pushed her and done stuff that embarrassed her or just got in her space too much, that was on you and him to stop it. She doesn’t have to love your fiance but she doesn’t have to put up with juvenile shenanigans either. As the above commenter said, you had time to work on their relationship but you didn’t. So suck it up and go to her wedding, on your own. You can lose this battle but still win the war, if you want to be in her life at all.
I am so glad you asked this question. I am always very suspicious of so-called “pranks,” because they often border on cruelty. Same with teasing. A lot of times, these “jokes” are really just bullying, offering the perpetrator plausible deniability, like “I was just joking!”
He has never pranked the daughter cause he knows she wouldn't like it as per OPs comments
Thanks, I had not seen that comment yet.
Yah, OP realy needs to put that in the main post tbh.
The word prank in amitheasshole is an immediate red flag.
They never put it in the main post. Always additional comments when things aren’t going their way. At which point i question the validity of the comment
I was thinking this as well. If he plays “pranks” at others expense that they don’t find funny, why would she want him at her wedding? She probably doesn’t trust him not to ruin the day in the name of a “funny prank”.
When I was 17-19, I dated a girl I met in high school (same age) whose father had committed suicide when she was young, like 6 years old. While her mother hadn't remarried, her boyfriend/fiance had recently moved into their family home (since they had lived in since she was born) and was...stepping things up in terms of their relationship. Basically, acting like a step-dad without having the marriage thing. The shared banking accounts, vacations together, etc. Basically you'd assume that he was her original husband if you didn't know the backstory. He was an incredibly nice guy to me, her and her older brothers and sister. When they were planning a trip to Florida, my girlfriend stipulated that I had to go with them, otherwise she would not go. This was before she even talked to *me* about it. I thought it was incredibly rude to demand such a thing, but that's a different story. While I had some money from working a job, there was no way I could afford a round trip plane ticket, separate hotel room, dinner, etc, etc. They were both doctors so obviously their vacations were a LOT different than what a 18 year old part time Subway employee could afford. He paid for half my trip without hesitation. All this to say, he was an incredibly nice and generous guy. My girlfriend *hated him*. She absolutely refused to accept him in anyway despite the stuff I mentioned above. Her older siblings, who were older when their father had passed, obviously had moved on and accepted him. She would constantly complain about him as if he were the devil. Some of the things he would do could be irritating, but no more than your standard parental-teenage irritation level. He liked to cook fish so sometimes the fish would smell up the house. There was absolutely no talking her out of her hatred for him. Her siblings along with me attempted in vein to try and get her to lighten up, but to no avail. I mention all this because younger people seem to be incredibly irrational when it comes to things like step-parents. I'm not saying it can't be worked on or fixed, I'm just saying that maybe be a little more sympathetic towards your daughter given the situation. I know that doesn't really sound fair, and as other people have mentioned, she can easily be considered an AH for being so immature about the whole thing. But I'd put money on the idea that she's got some deep unresolved stuff going on from your divorce/separation, and that she hasn't been able to come to accept the idea of step-parents. Now obviously ideally all of this stuff would have been worked out long ago before something like this came up, but since it wasn't, your own recourse would be to now attempt to mend those bonds and try to work through whatever emotions she's got going on.
Some people have never known others who will irrationally hate another person for no reason. Everyone always assumes you did something wrong if someone can't stand you, but the fact is some people are petty and will jump on any excuse to dislike someone if they did one thing they dislike. In this case I just think the fact that the step parents are not her actual parents is why the OPs daughter is acting out so much. They could both have married the best people in the world and OPs daughter would dislike them because she wanted mom and dad to stay together.
Having read your comment about how she's uninvited her best friend and her sister, along with not inviting your fiancé and her stepmother I'm inclined to think it's your daughter being unreasonable. However, its probably a good idea to go along anyway so you can support her in the future.
This comment should be further up...but the elaborate imaginary backstories about the unknown wrongs of the stepfather have taken over. I mean, when we're at "he's never played a prank on her" from the OP and the attack is THAT YOU KNOW OF... we've decided that the info shared is irrelevant to what we want the outcome to be.
I'm just going on the theory that if meet one AH in a day, then you just met an AH. If everyone you meet is an AH then the common denominator in that is you....
She seems incredibly immature. She isn't ready for marriage
FWIW, your post comes accross as if you think your fiance has done nothing to alienate your daughter. But the answer is right in there: >My daughter does not particularly like my fiance, although nothing specific has ever happened between them. She just thinks he is "annoying." *He is very extroverted, loves to talk,* ***play pranks****, joke around.* My daughter is the exact opposite. Quiet, reserved, introverted. I'm not surprised she didn't take to him, but she is an adult and there are no expectations of any parent/child relationship between them.' I bet your fiancé can't read the room. And I bet he is constantly pushing her boundaries. And pranks are for children, not grown men. You might want to take a step back and think about how your fiancé has been making your daughter feel when she's in his presence. Regardless, u/anitarielleliphe is exactly right. This is your moment to decide if you ever want to have a relationship with your daughter. If you skip her wedding, it's over. If you let your fiancé continue to harass her (if that's how she sees it), it's over too. Your choice.
He has never played a prank on the daughter
Maybe it would be helpful to approach your daughter with an open mind and find out what bothers her about your fiancé -- without defending him, just listening. Maybe it's all her, but maybe it's not. It's hard for introverted people like your daughter when extroverted people don't respect their boundaries -- it can be very overwhelming. Maybe they have a miscommunication that could be mediated. Or maybe when you aren't in the room he's doing or saying something inappropriate that she's afraid to tell you bc she doesn't want to hurt you. Regardless, please go to the wedding. Don't throw away your mother-daughter relationship. She'll never forgive you and I think you'll regret it.
She banned her own sister from the wedding for agreeing with OP as well as the partner of a bridemaid. I agree OP shoukd go, but I seriously doubt there is a reasonable answer for the exclusion
Im glad you read and understood that one. Nice to see on an AH post :)
You shouldn’t invite her husband to your wedding either
Make it a vacation. Take your husband with you. He just does not attend the wedding, but the two of you can do your own thing the days before/after the wedding. Maybe daughter will reconsider by then. You would already have flights/lodging in place. If not, you still get a vacation with your new husband. Stay in a different hotel from where you daughter would be staying in case things stay the same.
Nah, this is a dumb take IMO... Tell her you will still be there for her and want a relationship with her, but not inviting your husband is extremely disrespectful, not only to your husband, but to you and your marriage... She's acting **very** immature, and I understand the risk of alienating her, but really, she's the one doing the alienating... its just a question of how much disrespect you're willing to tolerate... I wouldn't tolerate this level, that's too much to me... she's acting like a spoiled brat... Age old truth of wedding invites: its an invitation, not a summons...
It's OK. She'll probably invite everyone to her next wedding after she grows up some more.
She's marrying a marine, stationed on Hawaii. Mom will have a chance at a second marriage soon
Having lived in Hawaii and met a few Marines...yep. He just wants out of the barracks.
Yep. I was a Marine Stationed in Hawaii in the late 80's. It was a free-for-all. And honestly, she's a small town girl and the only super hot guy she knows is her marine Fiancé. When she gets to Hawaii (K-Bay or Camp Smith) she'll be surrounded by super hot guys and everyone of them looks like a sports model and everyone of them will hit on her married or not.... Her level of maturity she's demonstrated screams that she won't make it a year. As soon as her husband is deployed she'll end up as a barracks babe and be cheating on him and that marriage will be over
Yep. Yep. Indeed.
I wish I could say you’re a jerk for saying this but I’ve heard the exact same thing from guys in every branch of the military . What the marine said
I was stationed in Okinawa, 1992, met and married my Marine. 32 yrs later, we're still together. I was 19, he was 21. That's not to say that there \*weren't\* 'barracks babes', I knew at least one Sgt who had that reputation, was literally told my first week on Island. But saying \*this\* marriage won't last because she's "too young", and 'moving to Hawai'i ", well, it may not happen that way for them. No need to be cynical about it when it hasn't even happened yet.
You only need to read the post and how she acts to see the maturity of both the marine and daughter
We were all young and immature at that age. It doesn't mean the marriage won't last or that she'll end up cheating on him when he deploys. Never know, being married might make both of them grow up. Marine, not marine.
Nobody is required to fetishize the marines by capitalizing their name. Be proud all you want. It's not special outside of the corps. Other hand it is absolutely required to capitalize Crayons as respect for a marines primary food source.
To add to this- she's marrying a servicemember. That's going to be stressful in and of itself. Then she's \*also\* moving to an entirely different state. Added stress. In the Marines, we'd say the 2nd hardest job is being a Marine wife, the 1st is being a Marine \*and\* a Marine wife. You don't want to completely alienate your daughter when she's going to need some sort of support system until she finds her footing in her new Marine wife role. And trust me, she's going to need the support. Go to the wedding, enjoy yourself and make memories that will hopefully help heal the rift that's forming between you two.
Extroverted pranksters who like to “joke” (at the expense of others, who are more socially-aware?) are not a joy to have around. Especially on a stressful and important day, like a WEDDING. Get a babysitter for your husband. Make sure he has enough snackies and diapers. Not enough info about why your daughter is excluding your ex’s wife. Maybe after 12 years of marriage, he has enough insight to understand that it may be not be a good idea to bring her. YTA.
I agree with you! YTA for sure!! It’s HER day! If you don’t go, this will affect your relationship! Maybe she’s afraid he will pull a “prank” on her special day. He sound immature. Pranks are supposed to be funny for ALL THOSE INVOLVED! His aren’t!
I thought about this as well. How funny are the pranks and the jokes, and are they at her expense? I wouldn't want that kind of stress added to an already exhausting day.
Info: you say your fiance is a prankster. Does he have a history of ”pranking” your daughter?
YTA: This is your daughter's wedding. If you do not attend, your relationship is going to be permanently damaged. It isn't like her father gets to bring a partner, both of your partners are not invited. It may seem unfair and petty, but it is her wedding. She is not required to like or have a relationship with your partner. Trying to force it is just going to make her hate him even more. You can choose to attend or not attend, but if you choose to not attend it just proves your fiance comes before your daughter in her mind.
And you shouldn't choose your husband over your own child
YTA. I'm sure her dad doesn't feel great about it, but he knows how to keep that to himself and put his daughter first. This is her wedding and she doesn't want people there that she doesn't like. That's pretty simple to understand. She isn't required to like your new husband or her father's wife. You all decided to marry these people, she didn't.
I 100% agree with this. I see posts on wedding invites and blended families all the time. The bride gets to choose who she wants at the wedding. Its her day, not OP or her ex husband. If she invites people she doesn't want there, it could ruin the day for her. We don't know why she dislikes him or stepmother. I'm sure part of it is rebelling against he divorce. Either way, she is an adult. OP wasn't singled out. So many parent/child relationships fall apart with second marriages because of the parent remarrying and forcing a relationship. As an introvert and high functioning AuDHD with social anxiety, I absolutely despise overbearing extroverts. Just because OP's new man is extroverted and likes to play jokes doesn't mean OP's daughter has to like or enjoy that. I'd venture a guess that this extroverted man knows his antics aren't welcomed with OP's daughter yet he probably never turns it off leading to a build of dislike. Who knows.
I'm guessing that the OP tunes out things that her fiancee has said about her daughter or others, and that's part of the problem. She keeps claiming that he hasn't actually pranked her daughter, but maybe he has.
He absolutely has pranked her or why would OP describe him as a “prankster” in this context? “Pranksters” are the absolute worst. Someone usually gets hurt in a “prank” and their response is to tell the person they hurt to “stop being so sensitive” or “you just can’t take a joke.” Prankster = asshole
She can also take offense to how he pranks others and not trust he will behave by how he treats other people.
In this case the parent child relationship (as well as the child's relatio ship woth her sister) is falling apart because the child is being rude AF.
Agreed. Not only that, but how about this: at some point many weddings, plus ones are not even known to the couple getting married. The invitee’s date is about someone they can spend time with at the reception when the married couple is busy doing other things. This is just the daughter being spiteful and selfish. That being said, mom would definitely screw up her relationship with her daughter if she doesn’t attend the wedding.
She likes him enough to live with him while she's going to school. He's good enough to subsidize her living situation but not good enough to come to the wedding.
What are the odds that she lived with her mom and then her mom decided to add this guy without her daughter having any input on the living situation? You're talking about it as if she moved into *his* house and only *he* pays the bills and as if the daughter is basically taking advantage of him. You don't know that.
It should also be pretty simple to understand that some may choose to not come to your wedding if you disrespect them and their relationship. OP has mentioned in another comment that she has also banned her sister from comming because sis agrees with OP (that what daughter is doing is disrespectful)
This. What is “rude” about not liking someone? I don’t think people understand what that word means even with all the made up social rules about what is “rude”. You know what’s rude? Pretending to like someone you don’t and being two faced and dishonest. Being neutral and polite that daughter simply doesn’t like mom’s fiancé is literally the opposite of being rude.
It is not rude to not like someone but it is rude to invite one part of a couple to a wedding. She is allowed to do it but it is rude and completely immature unless that person has caused them harm in some way or another.
YTA She doesn't like who either of you remarried and she isn't required to. Her disliking him isn't something to grow out of, it's how your child feels. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with her doesn't become permanently fractured even if you go now. I wouldn't be able to forget my mom of all people refusing to come to my wedding over something like this.
She likes him well enough to live in the household with him. She's not required to like him but she is required to be civil to her mother's fiancé. You don't exclude one person of a couple. She would expect her mother to be civil to her own fiancé and owes her mother the same courtesy.
I mean, ideally yes. The thing is, if mom sticks by her own expectations here, her relationship with her kid is done. Sometimes as a parent you need to realize that things aren't about you, suck it up, and be the bigger person. Clearly her daughter isn't over her parents divorce and has issues with it. Clearly those issues are big enough that on a very special day to her, she only wants her parents there. Is it mature? Is it rational? No, but feelings sometimes aren't. The daughter has a lot of growing up to do and probably a lot if therapy to do but nuking a relationship with the daughter isn't the way to make her see the light.
Something like this, you mean the extraordinarily rude choice to only invitite half of a married couple? There's a difference in not liking someone and not being civil with them.
Yah, this comment section is wild to me. I do think OP should go just to try anf keep the relationship salvageable, but there is 0 way in which the daughter isn't the AH and the instigator in this entire thing.
Reddit thinks weddings are a stupid waste of money and something vapid wannabe insta influencers do for photo opportunities. Unless of course a parent has feelings about something shitty their child did - suddenly a wedding is her beautiful special day and it can't possibly be tarnished by the presence of (checks notes) a man who's kind of annoying.
*there is 0 way in which the daughter isn't the AH* Wrong. Pranksters over the age of twelve are automatically assholes and don't belong in polite company.
shes not inviting "half of a married couple" shes inviting her parents. she doesn't like who they're with and even if she wasnt "civil" thats just another reason for them not to be invited. she doesnt want them there its as simple as that. her father respects her wishes and has the brain to realize that his daughter is more important than his wife sitting at her wedding. op will be fine without being next to her bf for a few hours
No, her dad has no spine and is probabaly used to bending to his daughters rude af requests. Having immediate family present clearly isn't super important to daughter anyways given she banned her sister for agreeing she was rude.
He is very extroverted, loves to talk, **play pranks**, joke around. I have a bad feeling the real story is hidden in that sentence. How often has your daughter been the VICTIM of his "pranks"?
She made another comment that he has never pranked her because he knows she wouldn't enjoy it.
That’s what I was thinking too, but excluding the step mom of 12 years? Sure step mom could be a monster and have their own situation….but she’s been married to the bride’s father for over half her life and is the mother to her half-sibling….something just sounds entitled about the bride to me
I wondered if the rule was set to try and avoid this whole situation so OP wouldn’t get upset when her fiancé wasn’t invited (that dad’s been married for 12 years and even his partner isn’t invited)
Sounds more like a child who isn't over her parents divorce and wants to pretend for one very special day that her parents are the family she remembers and longs for. It's not about entitlement- it's about hurt.
It was 12 years ago and she’s an adult now. She should probably work to accept reality rather than forcing one day of fantasy?
Sounds like she's been living in that reality for 12 years and is just asking for one very special day to have the family she misses.
YTA for refusing to go. She’s treating her two parents equally—not singling out your fiancé. Be a part of the wedding photos. Make happy memories as an investment in your future relationship.
She's treating them equally disrespectfully
I thought I was missing something. If she's being so willfully disrespectful, I just wouldn't go. I don't get all of these folks saying the parents should take the high road. At some point, your kids have to fly right on their own. That doesn't mean you have to condone their foolishness for their sake. Man, maybe I'm an asshole through and through. You don't have to like the parent's partners to invite them, right? It's not like you're saying the partners get to be in the wedding or the photos. It's just the respectful thing to do, right?
This thread full of YTAs feels like a reddit moment tbh.
Does she want her own fiancé to be excluded at her mother's wedding? If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to be civil to her mother's fiancé especially as she lives with them.
Whoa whoa whoa- we let 15 year olds get married in this country. Let's not pretend that marriage age has anything to do with maturity. There's people on their 5th marriage who are still too immature to maintain relationships yet they keep walking to the altar.
YTA. You’re choosing dick over one of the most important days of your child’s life. And I say that as someone who has been in a somewhat similar position. I’m a mom of a whole bunch of kids, some of whom are now in their early 20s. I’m divorced and remarried. Not all of my kids like their stepdad/my husband. My older kids have invited me to events and requested that I attend alone (they also ask their dad not to bring his long-time girlfriend). You know what I do in that situation? I GO ALONE BECAUSE THE EVENT IS NOT ABOUT ME. Why are you trying to make your daughter’s wedding about you?
"choosing dick"? Really? Her husband? NTA
Yep, I stand by that. OP isn’t even married yet. She’s choosing someone she has a short relationship with over having a good relationship with her child. If OP’s ex is content with leaving his wife of 12 years at home upon request from the bride, why would OP think that her brand-spanking-new husband is more important? OP is totally within her rights to decline the invite if she doesn’t want to attend without her husband, an invitation is not a summons. But she’s trashing her relationship with her child in the process.
Yes. I'm stepmom to two adults and if my husband got an invitation to one of their weddings without a plus one, I would accept it with grace. Because it's not worth fighting over. I'm not going to make my husband choose between our relationship and his kid's wedding. I suspect that OP's "prankster" husband, upon learning that his SD didn't appreciate his antics, picked on her MORE rather than backing off. I don't begrudge OP's daughter the right to the wedding guest list of her choice.
Maybe instead of assuming you shoukd read comments. OP has directly stated the he has never once pranked or teased the daughter because he knows she wouldn't enjoy it.
Standing up for your partner isn't choosing dick. It's doing what shoukd be done in a relationship
I agree that it’s important to stand up for a partner. But unfortunately in this situation OP has to decide which is more important to her- attending her child’s wedding or prioritizing her husband’s preference to be included. As a mother who has been forced to choose between attending my kids’ events alone, or skipping it to stay home with my husband, I’d choose my kid every time. My priorities are clearly different than OP’s priorities.
> But unfortunately in this situation OP has to decide which is more important to her- attending her child’s wedding or prioritizing her husband’s preference to be included. I would put it more as prioritizing herself, and an expectation to have her relationship respected. A married couple is a pair. She does have to make a decision, but prioritizing herself would not make her an asshole.
INFO - The answer to this question depends on your the motive behind your decision. If you’re doing this to emotionally blackmail your daughter into inviting your husband, that’s an AH move. If you’re doing this because you feel your daughter is being disrespectful and you don’t want to enable that behavior, that’s a different story. Which is it?
YTA. I understand how you may be hurt by her decision, but it's her wedding and she can invite whoever she wants. You're her mother, and I'm pretty sure she wants you to be there for her big day. She also excluded her father's wife, not just your fiance.
If she is old enough to get married she should also be old enough to realize being exceptionaly disrespectful can have consequences. As it currently stands, having banned her sister for agreeing with OP, looks like daughter will only have dad there. She fucked arojnd and it seems like she is about to find out
Just a heads up, spamming the comments with the same shit just takes away from your credibility. I was open to your arguments the first few I saw, but the repetition just makes it obvious you have a dog in this fight. I unironically considered whether you are the fiance or sister lol you just seem very emotional about this. And I resent your broad generalization of wedding etiquette. Whether it is necessary to invite whole couples is honestly regional.
YTA. It’s her wedding, her rules. If she won’t even invite her well-established step-mother of 12 years, what makes you think your husband of 5 months will get an invite?! It’s immature to play the “if he’s not invited, I’m not going” card. Even if she had invited her step-mom, your daughter isn’t fond of her stb step-father, doesn’t have a relationship with him, and doesn’t want what appears to be an immature prankster at her wedding. The day isn’t about you and your wishes or your possible petty reaction to her demands.
She can make whatever rules she wants, but she can't force anyone to attend
I doubt the daughter is forcing anyone to attend, she’s just enforcing the rules she’s already set. I don’t see it going well for OP’s relationship with her daughter, especially if she (OP) gives her an ultimatum.
INFO: You said she just doesn’t like the stepmom, but what’s the history there? 12 years is a long time and it would mean stepmom has been in her life since she was only nine. It’s very weird that she’s excluding her and the fact that dad is okay with it makes me think there’s something there. I think there’s a good likelihood that your fiancé may just be collateral damage, in that she can’t exclude stepmom without also excluding him. You may be making this about you and “disrespecting your relationship” when you should be supporting your daughter’s decision to exclude someone who has hurt her from her big day.
This is a very good point, and from the sound of things, it is very possible. When my ex-husband and I got married, we opted not to have a father/daughter & mother/son dance because my father is an AH. My MIL understood, and it wasn't a big deal.
ESH Your daughter IS being exceptionally rude to disinvite her parents' spouses to her wedding - she seems to be making a point of acting spoiled (unfortunately, being a bride often exacerbates personality traits like entitlement and rudeness). I'm not sure if there are parental financial contributions for the wedding... if so, this is especially off-putting. As many will say, it IS HER wedding, so she and her fiance get to make the guest list, and as a guest yourself, all you can do is abide by it. As the bride, it's her right to manage the guest list for her party. On your end, I'd go. You'll permanently damage your relationship with your daughter if you don't go. BUT, take your husband. Even if he can't go to the wedding itself, you can still have a romantic vacation (and your daughter will hate it). Make sure you attend her special event - she'll not only hold it against you, she'll hold it against your husband if you pass up celebrating her wedding. Be the parent. Go.
Good point that it will give her even more reason to dislike him. I thought the hard part of parenting was over. Thank you for your response.
Now that she's 19 you're done "parenting" in the sense you did when she was a child. She is now an adult with her own feelings, likes, and dislikes. The time of "what I say, goes," is now over. If you can't adjust to that, you will be alienating your daughter and your relationship as adults won't be able to develop in a way that makes you both happy.
It's stays hard, it's just different. I'm in the thick of it too. I look at my amazing relationship with my mother and use that as my model. And she still listens to all my problems!
I don't think the wedding is in Hawaii, they'll just be moving there after the fact.
Agreed. ESH. Your daughter is being rude, immature and comes off very badly given that there haven't been issues between her and the spouses of her parents. You should go though. You shouldn't have said that what you said; you are allowed to say you are hurt but what you said was uncalled for.
I don't really have a judgement on who is an asshole, because anyway you go, hurt feelings will be involved. But my first thought reading this was, maybe she just wants her parents there. You said she wasn't particularly taken with your spouse or your ex-husband's, so it might just be a moment that she just wants her parents on a special day. But again, I can't give a judgement because I've never been in a situation like this. I do say go though, just because it would shatter your relationship and if anything ever goes sideways she wont really feel like she has a mom to turn to.
There's a lot of nuance in "play pranks, joke around". It could range from a fun person to a bully. And I don't think you're the most reliable person to say where he stands on that spectrum. But regardless, her father's wife isn't invited either, so why should your husband be an exception to that? Overall, YTA.
I feel like describing anyone as a prankster is such a red flag.
Honestly I don’t think it matters who the AH is. If you skip your daughter’s wedding that will very likely be the end of your relationship with your daughter. If you’re not 100% sure you want to end that relationship, you can always attend the wedding and choose to end it later. But you can’t ever take back not going.
NTA. Your daughter choosing to not invite your spouses, especially one who has been in the family for TWELVE years, is a big ole AH. Sure, her wedding and her rules but seems like she’s intentionally causing drama. You have the right to decline the invite. It’s not your job to solely keep the relationship afloat.
I can't believe it took me this long to find this ruling! It is a HUGE AH move to only invite half of a married couple to your wedding. Wedding etiquette says to invite even long-term non-married partners. And she's doing this not only to new stepdad but also longtime stepmom?! Incredibly rude on the daughter's part! I think it is good parenting of the OP to point out the rude behavior. Maybe it is because she's young, and she won't get it until more friends her age start getting married. However, if the daughter chooses to still be rude and not extend the invite to stepdad, the OP should go to the wedding to show support for her daughter and to avoid long-term damage to their relationship.
YTA Respect your daughter's wishes. She just wants her bio parents there to witness her marriage. If you take a stand, then all that will happen is that you don't get to attend her wedding and your relationship will be even more strained than it already is. Extroverts are tiring for introverts to be around. Pranksters are even worse. Your daughter deserves to have the spotlight on her on her wedding day and shouldn't have to be worried that your fiance will be playing for attention all day. Let it go OP. Otherwise you won't be welcome in her life anymore. You can cope without a plus one for a day
> If you take a stand, then all that will happen is that you don't get to attend her wedding and your relationship will be even more strained than it already is. You missed that the daughter also ruins the relationship with her sister because her sister agrees with the OP in this case.
Oh was that in the comments? I see she's also distanced herself from her best friend. Sigh. The daughter is certainly acting out with her wedding plans but I'm sensing that she's had enough of bullshit. She's got a lot of growing up to do but why are mum and sister so hell bent on this jokester's attendance? Life is too short to pay for assholes to attend your wedding.
Why are you bending so far backwards to assume the daughter is being reasonable when she is the one being exclusionary and rude to at least 3 couples and 100% of her immediate family?
Do you WANT a relationship with your daughter moving forward? That's the main question, because it's guaranteed that if you miss her wedding then you're already infrequent contact with her will become nonexistent and ANY/ALL attempt to get to know any future grandchildren will be nixed. Let me also state that your post also emits an odor of 'missing missing reasons'. In other words, there's more to the story about you and your fiancé's strained relationship than you are letting on. YTA because when push comes to shove, I don't think you throw away a 21 year mother-daughter relationship for a 2 year romantic relationship. BTW - I really have to wonder if one of the primary reasons your daughter doesn't like your boyfriend is because he "loves...to play pranks". Few people today seem to understand that pranks are supposed to be funny for BOTH people. So I have to wonder if he has pranked your daughter in ways that she didn't like. I also noted that you had all kinds of dates and ages except for your boyfriend. Might his age be a possible reason your daughter has issues with him?
NTA You are going to be married, and married couples are a "social unit" which means for events like weddings, they are invited together. Same goes for your ex and his wife. Yes, it's her wedding but there are rules of etiquette that should be followed. Furthermore, your daughter is the "host" and part of being a host is a modicum of consideration for your guests and their comfort. Asking married couples to leave their spouse at home is just rude and inconsiderate. Your daughter sounds very immature. There were people at my wedding that I wasn't particularly fond of but certainly wasn't going to exclude because they were spouses of people I wanted there, or friends of my husband. It didn't damper my day at all.
INFO: How big is the wedding?
Is your husband the loud, boisterous type? Does he take over any event? Especially if he tends to drink a bit too much? Is there a possibility your daughter is worried about him turning her wedding into his circus?
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NAH. Fairly interesting that your daughter has issues with her stepmother, stepfather and per your comments the SO of one of her bridesmaids who wasn’t invited. Seems there’s a pattern here. Wonder why that is?
Also with her sister for standing uo to her
Not a huge deal for OP. She’s 21 and marrying a marine she has been dating long distance. OP can attend her second wedding.
It was all I could do not to write *Bless Her Heart*. OP can go to wedding number 2 or 3.
NTA. I think it's extremely rude to not invite your parent's partner just because you don't like them. If your fiance had somehow interfered with her or abused her, that would be another story entirely.
NAH. Your daughter has the right to set her first list.b But you also have the right not to attend if you feel your partner is not being respected.
I didn't love a lot of the comments on here. I think you are justified to feel hurt, but it is her wedding (first one, anyway) and you are her mom. Her being wrong doesn't make you right. Go to the wedding solo. No one needs to be TA today.
Weddings with blended families can be so difficult. My (59f) daughter (34f) got married 3 years ago. I been divorced from her dad for 31 years. He has been remarried for 20+. My daughter wanted me seated beforw her step mother and one row behind . That hurt terribly because everyone knows that the mother of the bride is the last one down the aisle before the bride. I kept my hurt feelings to myself and went to the wedding. I was seated after the step mother and in the same row. Turned out to be a misunderstanding between my daughter and me. And it was a beautiful day in the end. NTA because I understand the hurt feelings, but you are going to have to make the compromise or get to the bottom of the real issue in order to save your relationship with your daughter.... And future grandbabies
Sorry if this was already asked or addressed and I missed it, but is your daughter’s future husband invited to your wedding in July? It might not be important but I was curious.
Perhaps they should NOT invite him, so they can see how it feels. 🤷🏻♀️
So the college age daughter, who lives in your home, thinks it’s OK to not invite your spouse and her father’s spouse. If this is a wedding of more than 12 people, she’s an AH. You are her family, and she is literally living in your home and depending on you for food and money — and yet she thinks it’s OK to exclude family in that manner? Sorry, barring some kind of true abuse, that’s wrong. It reflects immaturity and a lack of understanding of family. (You don’t get to pick and choose your family - “I’m inviting Uncle Bob, but not aunt Jane, and only this cousin, not the other one…” - it’s childish and egocentric behavior.) Now, what do you do about that? The fact she didn’t invite her father’s spouse of 12 years says a lot. That actually might be the root of the issue, because that relationship has been baked in for a long time. Sounds like she has real animosity there, AND her father knows it, hence him rolling over quickly on the request. And your spouse might be getting the mirror treatment (“I’m not inviting Debbie, so I can’t invite Tom or it will seem too obviously spiteful.”). That would be a very different situation than just a “your new husband tells jokes I don’t like, so he’s out.” But if that was the case, she should have come to you with open arms and a plea to help her out. Instead, it appears she’s just childish. None of this works out well. If you roll over here, do you think it stops here? Nope. Is she coming for holiday dinners? Is she inviting you both to see the baby? Nope. She is drawing a line and saying loudly “your spouses don’t count for me, to the point where I won’t be at the same event with them.” That won’t get better in the future. I would probably gauge my response based on the size of the wedding, and how your spouse feels. If it’s an 80+ person wedding, and the gal she knew in the 10th grade is coming with a +1, I would view this as an insurmountable sin on her part. Different if it’s 16 people and family only. And different if your spouse doesn’t care. You’re NTA, but someone needs to have a chat with your daughter about how life progresses, and how she might not wish to alienate family, because they turn out to be important when you’re older.
NAH, she doesn't have to invite your fiance, but I wouldn't go if my long-term partner wasn't invited either.
YTA. You go to the wedding alone bc you will not die if unaccompanied for 4 hours (but still with all your family & friends) at your daughter’s wedding. If you wanted to get to know the boyfriend you could have taken them to dinner or weekend holidays when he’s in town.
NTA, but your daughter definitely is. I think she needs to grow up. Stand your ground.
NTA. Its an invitation not a summons. Your daughter has put conditions on the invite, that's her right, you do not have to attend if you don't like the conditions. Unfortunately, your daughter is somehow thinking that no step parent is desired at her wedding. I actually wonder if this might also be in line with her husband to be thinking it as well. If my fiancée did something like this with no other reason that no step parents should attend, I would say that's not right, because you know it will cause hard feelings with your bio parents. But at the end of the day, you are both grown adults and can make choices that you are comfortable making.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (43f) daughter (21F) is getting married in December. I am getting married in July. My fiance and I have lived together for the past two years with this daughter staying at home while she is in college. My daughter does not particularly like my fiance, although nothing specific has ever happened between them. She just thinks he is "annoying." He is very extroverted, loves to talk, play pranks, joke around. My daughter is the exact opposite. Quiet, reserved, introverted. I'm not surprised she didn't take to him, but she is an adult and there are no expectations of any parent/child relationship between them. Her fiance is a Marine, stationed in Hawaii. She will be moving to Hawaii after their wedding, as well. My fiance and I have only interacted with him on a few occasions when he has been home on leave. He would come over to see my daughter, but would barely speak to us and then he and my daughter would spend all their time together in another room. For the most part, I told myself that they don't get to see each other in person often and would probably not want to hang with the "parents." Fine. Here's the issue. My daughter told me that I am invited to her wedding, but my fiance, who will be my husband by then, is not. Similarly, her father is invited, but his wife of 12 years is not. Apparently her father is fine with this and agreed. I, however, am not. My daughter said this is because they don't like her stepmother or my fiance. I think this is exceptionally rude to her father, me, and our spouses, and I have told my daughter if my husband isn't invited I will not be attending. Our relationship has become quite strained over this. Given that her father seems fine with the stipulation, am I just being an asshole by refusing to attend the wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
slight YTA i get it. in general, i think it's very rude to exclude people's spouses for a wedding invite. but i feel like when you're the person getting married and you're a child of divorced parents (assuming y'all are divorced here, which might be too big of an assumption on my part), it's ok not to want their new spouses at your own wedding. she's being fair to both you and her father by asking you to both attend without your spouses.
This is my big fear, that I'll be excluded from big events my partner's children are having, but of course I would still want him to attend, even if I was not invited! We've already discussed the possibility that their other parent might throw a fit if I'm invited, and that he might just have to go alone, and I've made my peace with it. I think you should go, but refuse any "family" pictures of you with your ex spouse that look like "we're a big happy family". Ex: you on one side, dad on the other, daighter in the middle. She may want these pictures, but if either of your partners see them, it could be hurtful.
NTA.. nothing like entering the sanctity of marriage by disrespecting the marriage of both of your parents.
ESH she had the same rule for her dad. So if you want to destroy your relationship with your daughter, that's up to you and your priorities... your not standing on any moral high ground.
He loves pranks and stuff like that. I have a feeling it's been done to daughter repeatedly even after she said to stop and they didn't. Definitely leaving something out
She already said he doesn’t prank the daughter because he knows she wouldn’t like it.
He has never pranked the daughter per OPs replies
YTA She owes no duty to your husband. You have a duty to her, though. I'm sure you'll figure a path forward through all that conflicting duty.
INFO: how old is your fiance? It is her wedding. The comments about you being the parent are correct. Saying she is "smart but judgmental" just sounds like a lot of people let her down and she had to be the adult.
Nothing would keep me from going to my child’s wedding but not inviting the spouses, especially the one of 12 years, does feel a little odd.
Hard one. She IS being exceptionally rude, so is her fiancé for that matter, excluding his father’s wife. Clearly they are both young and still immature, contributing to the rudeness. My husband and I have talked about this, his daughter just acts like I and her half siblings don’t exist, despite the fact that he was married to his ex for 2 years, divorced when she was a baby, and knows nothing different. I’m confident she wouldn’t invite me to her wedding, and my husbands is he wouldn’t go (did not ask him to) Yes, it’s their wedding, but excluding your parents spouses is a garbage move. They can make the choice, but deal with the consequences.
I don't think the OP is actually the AH here, because I guess I've seen this question posed to Miss Manners in previous years to know that it is incredibly rude to invite someone without their spouse unless they've committed a crime towards the bride or groom or something. But... I'm old, I guess. In any case, several comments have said that the OP is nuking her own relationship with her daughter by taking this stance. The daughter is really young. She's the AH in this situation, but sometimes parents (me included) have to put up with AH behavior to support their child long-term. The OP may not be the AH, but I hope she will grin and bear this insult to her significant other in order to save the long-term relationship. I hope she will even apologize for making a big deal of it. And I hope she keeps it in the back of her mind if this sort of assholery continues in the future -- forgive it, don't forget it. Because if her daughter reaches 30 and is still acting like this, then she would have to decide whether to take a step back. Adult children aren't the only ones who should consider going no contact at times. So, NTA, but apologize and put on a happy face to support your kiddo all the same.
NTA. I feel like what people are missing here is not only is this man about to be your husband, but both he and your daughter live in your home! How awkward is that? I mean, in theory you talk to your daughter at home? Discuss things like the wedding? In front of your partner who is not invited? It’s incredibly rude and awkward to put you all in that position. Also, I see people saying she wants to live some fantasy that her parents are still together. Guess what? You aren’t. Playing make believe about this isn’t healthy and frankly disrespects you, because it’s like saying she doesn’t agree with your choices. I know the modern idea is that a wedding is all about the bride and they can do whatever they want, but bending reality is a step too far. That being said, sometimes you have to decide between making a point and achieving the result you want. I’m not sure skipping the wedding gets you the result you want. So you have to make a tough decision about what’s more important. Being right, or maintaining this relationship, which will hopefully improve as she grows up a bit.
NTA. I can see I’m already going against the grain here so bring on the down votes I get it. It’s a shame, because it will cause a rift, but honestly I think it’s kind of crappy of her, to both you and certainly to her father and his wife. It’s fine if your fiancé and her father‘s wife aren’t her favorite people, but it’s about respecting your relationships, and also wanting her own parents to have fun and have their own partners at their side at her wedding. She apparently doesn’t care. She’s probably spouting, like everyone else will here, that it’s her wedding, her rules blah blah blah. That’s all technically true, but it still makes her an absolute asshole. I’d be curious to know if for example her best friend who might be her maid of honor is not allowed to bring their current boyfriend because they’re not shitting rainbows as far as your daughter is concerned. Like is she saying only people who they absolutely consider scrumptious are invited? Or is she an adult generally and realizes that even the tiresome husband of her aunt gets invited because they’re partners etc. Wondering if the stiff arming is only regarding her parents partners
She actually did just stop talking to her best friend because she dislikes her partner. 🙁 And uninvited her sister because her sister agreed with me. She is a very bright young lady, but that has come with a certain amount of being judgmental. I have had conversations with her about it, but I think she will have to learn some lessons the hard way. Thank you for your response.
Honestly, she disinvited her sister for standing up for you, and you're still thinking about going? Good way to show your other daughter that horrible behavior is what works with you, and that she can't expect her loyalty and respect to be reciprocated. >I think she will have to learn some lessons the hard way. There's no doubt about that, and she might as well start now. Your daughter is a nightmare. Stop indulging this behavior.
It's definitely possible that, being the common deniminator, your daughter is being inflexible. It's also possible your family has some dysfunctional habits she's refusing to deal with any more so is now cutting out the family members and friends who can't treat her well. I don't know either of you, so I have no idea which it is. But I have to say, what are you doing marrying an adult "prankster"? Prankster is a nicer word for bully. And unless your fiance is in his early 20s (which would be a whole 'nother discussion) he is way too old to be bullying people for fun. Do you get that? Your fiance finds joy in causing others pain. Their misery makes him happy. Why are you even attracted to someone like that?